- 7 months ago
Words that wound, lines that linger! Join us as we count down our picks for the most savage burns and comebacks ever uttered on the small screen. From Sherlock's IQ takedowns to Al Bundy's endless roasts, these verbal smackdowns have us rolling on the floor. Which TV character had the sharpest tongue of all?
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00:00I'm ready to be judged.
00:02Welcome to WatchMojo, and today we're counting down our picks for the most hilarious comebacks and put-downs from television
00:07shows.
00:10Jane, you ignorant slut.
00:12Number 20. Yearly Insults. Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt.
00:16The eponymous Kimmy Schmidt is most often characterized by her unfailingly positive attitude and her disconnection from pop culture.
00:23However, when she does decide to deliver an insult, the gap between her perkiness and her sarcasm only makes her
00:29lines hit even harder.
00:32When Xanthippe, the obnoxious elder sister of the boy Kimmy Nannies, goes for the old insert-you're-here-called joke
00:38to mock her wardrobe,
00:42Kimmy claps back with a future version that leaves Xan speechless and us breathless with laughter.
00:48His aunt? 2090 called. You're dead and you wasted your time on Earth.
00:52It's true what they say. Beware the nice ones.
00:55Number 19. Spicy Remark. Bob's Burgers.
00:58Louise Belcher can frequently be quick-witted and attention-seeking, being the youngest will do that.
01:03However, she's not exactly enthusiastic about interacting with girls her own age.
01:07So when her mother Linda springs a slumber party on her with some of her classmates, Louise is less than
01:12thrilled.
01:13As in, hardly ever shut her mouth.
01:16Louise, what are your ten favorite colors of dogs?
01:18Mine are red, brown spots, black, white, orange spots, kind of brown, kind of black, brown spots, black spots, red
01:22spots, red stripes.
01:24As the party begins, Louise goes through and lists each of the guests' various faults.
01:28While being too chatty, obsessed with braids, and a germaphobe are all understandable turn-offs,
01:33Louise saves the most devastating one-two-punch burn for Jessica, who is boring,
01:38and manages to describe being dull in the most creative way possible, twice.
01:43Jessica! Bland! Boring Jessica! If she was a spice, she'd be flour!
01:48If she were a book, she'd be too booked.
01:50Number 18. Any House Insult.
01:52House.
01:53The caustic, sarcastic, and sardonic doctor who gives the show its name simply has too many good insults to choose
01:59just one.
02:00We've got rectal bleeding.
02:02What, all of you?
02:04Dr. Gregory House is never afraid to mock anyone, whether it's his patients, his staff, his bosses, or other authority
02:12figures.
02:13I'm 4'1. That's 1.5 canes in metric.
02:17You don't look a day over four feet.
02:20House refuses to suffer fools, and the sheer number of devastating barbs he delivers throughout the show may even exceed
02:26his correct diagnoses.
02:28And considering how brilliant he is, that's saying something.
02:30He swallowed a magnet. We gotta cut it out.
02:33How old are you?
02:34Eight.
02:35And he swallowed something stuck to a fridge.
02:38Darwin says let him die.
02:40Although there's no one we trust more with our treatment, if it meant having to endure his brutal disrespect, we
02:45might consider alternative physicians.
02:47Number 17. IQ.
02:49Sherlock.
02:49In this modern update on the world-famous detective, Sherlock Holmes is especially abrasive, socially clueless, and as sharp-tongued
02:57as he is sharp.
02:58One of his most frequent targets is Anderson, a police investigator whose insights are decidedly not valued by Sherlock.
03:05She could be trying to tell us something.
03:07Yes, thank you for your input.
03:08From asking Anderson to face the other way because he's putting him off, to pedantically correcting him that he's a
03:13sociopath, not a psychopath, Sherlock has zero time for him.
03:17However, his most devastating takedown consists of Sherlock claiming that Anderson's IQ lowers the average intelligence for all of Baker
03:25Street.
03:25So we can read her emails, so what?
03:27Anderson, don't talk out loud. You lower the IQ of the whole street.
03:30Ouch.
03:31Number 16. Alphabetical Insults.
03:34Two and a half men.
03:35Although this long-running sitcom has no shortage of insults, this scene is arguably the most creative, if not the
03:41funniest.
03:42You are a lush.
03:44You are a leech.
03:45You are a misogynist.
03:47You are a mistake.
03:49Brothers Alan and Charlie Harper return home after a day with Alan's son.
03:54Despite bickering all day, they turn their verbal abuse into a word game, insulting each other in turn, by each
04:00using a derogatory word starting with a new letter of the alphabet.
04:03You are a Nancy boy.
04:06You are old.
04:09While the individual barbs aren't always the funniest, the inventiveness of the scene overall is enormously entertaining.
04:15We're just sorry we don't get to hear every letter.
04:16You are a parasite.
04:18Not your turn.
04:19Hello?
04:20Number 15. Godhood One-Upsmanship.
04:23Rick and Morty.
04:24The titular Rick is a bitter, sarcastic old scientist who delivers more vicious one-liners than he does alcohol to
04:31his stomach.
04:31Although his efforts to prove his grandchildren are pieces of crap mathematically are savage.
04:36So in conclusion, you're both equally mercurial, overly sensitive, clingy, hysterical bird brain humunculi.
04:43And I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height
04:47or age.
04:47I go by amount of pain in my ass, which makes you both identical.
04:50Our pick goes to his shouting and crafting match with Zeep Zandflorp.
04:54Stuck in a miniature universe inside a miniature universe inside yet another small universe that he powers his car with,
05:01Rick lobs hastily MacGyvered weapons and insults at Zeep, the scientist who created the second universe, in a neighboring cave.
05:07Zeep's attempts to flex are ineffective, as Rick goes a step further and gets Zeep's mom involved, or at least
05:14the elements of her reproductive organs.
05:16I crafted the guy that created the planet you're standing on.
05:19Yeah, and I made the stars that became the carbon in your mother's ovaries.
05:23Number 14. And Hugh Jackman.
05:25Scrubs.
05:26Dr. Perry Cox is fond of sarcasm, insults, rants, and sarcastic insulting rants.
05:32Yes, m'lady.
05:34So?
05:35You feeling all like...
05:37That depends. Does blah mean confused and incredibly annoyed?
05:41When the protagonist, Dr. John J.D. Dorian, asked him if he has any thoughts on J.D.'s final week
05:46of residency under him,
05:47Dr. Cox replies with an all-timer rant.
05:50I suppose I could riff a list of things that I care as little about as our last week together.
05:55Let me see.
05:56He proceeds to list all the things he holds in just as low regard, including dozens of then-current fads,
06:03trends,
06:03low-carb diets,
06:05pop culture figures,
06:06Michael Moore,
06:07buzzwords,
06:08Kabbalah,
06:09and political material.
06:10Hotspots, the OC, the UN recycling, getting punked in, he cans, the Latin Grammys, the real Grammys.
06:15And he caps it off by taking a pot shot at Wolverine himself.
06:18And Hugh Jackman.
06:21Hugh Jackman's Wolverine.
06:22Dr. Cox may aim low at that last one, but we can't help but admire his dedication to the bit.
06:28Number 13.
06:28Basically all of Niles and CeCe's conversations.
06:32The Nanny.
06:32Butler characters on TV are often known for being sassy and sarcastic.
06:37And Niles from The Nanny is among the kings of throwing shade.
06:40We can't use this china, the pattern is hideous.
06:43That's not the pattern, it's your reflection.
06:47His favorite sparring partner is CeCe Babcock, his employer's business partner.
06:52We'd like to say CeCe gives as good as she gets, but unlike her hips, we can't lie.
06:56We don't need some old crone running around the house.
06:59Yes, we are crone heavy, sir.
07:05Although with two, we'd have a set.
07:09Niles gives her a thrashing every time.
07:12Still, she certainly sets herself up to be the butt of the joke quite well.
07:15The duo's bickering and Niles' one-liners are all so bitingly entertaining that we couldn't choose just one.
07:21I would be caught dead in that dress.
07:24You'd have to be dead six months to fit into it.
07:27Number 12.
07:29Liz is your mom joke.
07:3030 Rock.
07:31Given how witty the writing is, there's no shortage of put-downs to choose from in 30 Rock.
07:35Although Jack Donaghy's iconic description of Liz Lemon's breath was a close contender,
07:40Good God, Lemon, your breath.
07:42When did you find time to eat a diaper that you found on the beach?
07:47Our pick goes to an insult from Liz herself.
07:49At her high school reunion, Liz discovers that, far from being the social outcast she believed herself to be,
07:55she was instead perceived as an antisocial bully whose mockery drove everyone away.
07:59Her most vicious comeback happens when Kelsey genuinely asks about her astronomy project,
08:05only to get hit with a brutal, your mom remark on her mother's substance abuse.
08:09Hey Liz, how's the telescope?
08:11I don't know, Kelsey, how's your mom's pill addiction?
08:14Good God, Lemon, indeed.
08:16Number 11.
08:17Not Just a Bad Father.
08:19The Simpsons.
08:19Given how long it's been running, narrowing down the funniest insult in The Simpsons
08:24is like finding Homer doing actual work.
08:26Almost impossible.
08:28Still, we have a soft spot for this one.
08:30Patty!
08:31Tell him, what a pleasure to pray.
08:33What do you know?
08:34He's wearing pants.
08:36I owe you a lunch.
08:37Homer bombs a quiz about his kids, realizing he knows nothing about what his son Bart likes.
08:42Who is your son's hero?
08:44Steve McQueen.
08:45That's your hero.
08:46His attempt to prove Marge wrong only ends up with him realizing that Bart has hobbies after all.
08:51As he laments his terrible fatherhood, Marge's sisters Patty and Selma are there to kick him
08:56when he's down by mocking his weight.
08:59I'm a bad father.
09:01You're also fat.
09:03I'm also fat.
09:06Homer agreeing with them only makes it funnier.
09:09Number 10.
09:10The Opposite.
09:11Community.
09:12Abed is a guy who takes TV shows much more seriously than most.
09:15So, when one of his favorite shows is delayed, his friend Britta tries to cheer him up by
09:20introducing him to a new show.
09:21Better than nothing.
09:23Thanks, Britta.
09:24However, when Abed reaches the end of the show, he goes into a catatonic state, leaving his
09:29best friend Troy furious with Britta.
09:31You are human tennis elbow.
09:33You are a pizza burn on the roof of the world's mouth.
09:36You are the opposite of Batman.
09:37Troy unleashes a verbal tirade, referring to her as not only Human Tennis Elbow and a
09:42pizza burn on the roof of the world's mouth, but also the opposite of Batman.
09:46We're not entirely sure what that means, and neither is Britta, as shown by her failed
09:51attempt to use the insult.
09:52You're racist, manfiles!
09:54You're the opposites of Batman!
09:55You don't know what that means!
09:56But, it's still a very creative and hilarious jab.
10:00Number 9.
10:01Sarcasm Binge
10:02Friends.
10:04Easily the most sarcastic and arguably the funniest member of the group of six friends,
10:08Chandler Bing is always ready with a witty or biting remark.
10:12In fact, I'll bet you 50 bucks you can't go the whole year without making fun of us.
10:16You know what?
10:16Better yet, a week.
10:17However, some of his funniest insults actually happen when he's denied the ability to dole
10:22them out.
10:22A New Year's bet with Ross forces Chandler to refrain from insulting his friends for
10:26a week, which proves physically painful for him, since all of them provide him so much
10:30ammo, especially Ross.
10:32At last, when Chandler can't take it anymore, he hands over the money, and lets out a week's
10:37worth of insults in hilarious fashion.
10:39Pheebs, flying a jet?
10:41Better make it a spaceship so you can get back to your home planet.
10:45And Ross, phone call for you today.
10:47Tom Jones, he wants his pants back.
10:50And Hornswoggle, what are you, dating a character from Fraggle Rock?
10:57Number 8.
10:58Like a Temple, the Golden Girls.
11:00The four main cast members of the show may be golden, but their tongues are barbed.
11:05So what?
11:06I'm old.
11:06I'm supposed to be colorful.
11:07An impossibly large number of wicked insults are delivered throughout the series, to the
11:12point where it's tough to narrow it down.
11:13But this is without a doubt among our favorites.
11:15When the promiscuous Blanche boasts that she doesn't have to worry about getting sick,
11:19since she treats her body like a temple, Sophia takes the comparison a little further.
11:24I treat my body like a temple.
11:26Yeah, it opens to everyone, day or night.
11:30Ouch.
11:31Blanche's self-care is going to need to include an ice pack.
11:33Number 7.
11:35Embarrassment.
11:35Brooklyn Nine-Nine.
11:37Captain Raymond Holt is usually an unflappably serious man.
11:40But around his nemesis, Madeline Wunsch, he spits pure venom.
11:44The shriveled husk of Raymond Holt.
11:46Look, Gina, is that a talking raisin?
11:49Their endless bickering has given us ample material over the seasons.
11:52But while Holt calling Wunsch a talking raisin was amazing, arguably his best put-down was
11:57just plain honest.
11:59On one of the rare occasions when Holt apologizes to Wunsch, albeit to help his station, Wunsch
12:03lists off the reasons she dislikes him, including that Wunsch supposedly embarrassed her
12:07in front of a baseball legend, Derek Jeter.
12:10Holt's reply is delivered so convincingly, and Wunsch looks so guilty, that we can't
12:14help but feel it's actually true.
12:16You embarrassed me in front of Derek Jeter.
12:18You embarrassed yourself in front of Derek Jeter.
12:24That's a tactical strike right there.
12:26Number 6.
12:27Wrong Order.
12:28Arrested Development.
12:29The Bluth family is seriously dysfunctional, and so they frequently take shots at one another.
12:34However, our pick for one of the funniest jibes in Arrested Development stands out from the
12:39crowd for having been delivered by the comparatively nice Michael.
12:42Like most of his family, Michael is baffled by his son George Michael's interest in Ann
12:47Veal, whom they all find to be painfully dull.
12:49This opinion is accidentally conveyed to his son when he tells him that it's clear that
12:53he and Ann care for each other, although his bungling of a common phrase makes his real
12:57feelings about her pretty clear.
12:59You think we really do?
13:00The father can tell, okay?
13:02It's his aunt as a nose on a plane's face.
13:05Wow.
13:06Number 5.
13:07Under a Microscope.
13:08Frasier.
13:09This Cheers spin-off series has a whole host of witty insults, many of them delivered by
13:13Frasier's brother, Niles.
13:15His burn of Frasier's agent is a perfect example.
13:17Give him some sound brotherly advice.
13:19She's the devil, Frasier.
13:20Run fast, run far.
13:23However, our pick goes to the titular radio psychiatrist himself.
13:27In one episode, Frasier takes a call in which the caller asks for help on what to name his
13:32new boat.
13:32In response, Frasier describes in detail a powerful microscope capable of examining atoms.
13:38Call it the Intrepid.
13:39So what do you think it should be called?
13:41Lulubel or the Intrepid?
13:45Roger.
13:47At Cornell University, they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the
13:53Tunneling Electron Microscope.
13:55For a moment, he seems about to deliver a powerful life lesson.
13:58But actually, he's just explaining how little he cares about the caller's dilemma.
14:02Roger, if I were using that microscope right now, I still wouldn't be able to locate my
14:08interest in your problem.
14:10Number 4.
14:11Neck Growth.
14:12The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
14:13Will Smith's character on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air is pretty much the embodiment of
14:17cool.
14:17Make ready to contact the spirits.
14:22Seemed like somebody made contact with one too many spirits.
14:25No.
14:26However, his character's cousin, Carlton, is a huge, lovable dork.
14:31And more often than not, this means that he winds up serving as the butt of the joke.
14:35When the entire family is cursed by spiritualists in this Halloween episode, Carlton once again
14:39gets it worse than most.
14:41Ending up with his hair dyed an obnoxious shade of yellow.
14:43Will rubs it in when he feigns spotting something hideous growing from Carlton's neck.
14:47Carlton, what is that hideous thing growing out of your neck?
14:50What?
14:51What?
14:51Where?
14:52Where?
14:55Oh, never mind.
14:58It's just your head.
15:01Immature?
15:02Sure.
15:02It's all in good fun.
15:04Number 3.
15:05That's Your Brain.
15:06That 70s Show.
15:07Practically everyone in the show delivers a good burn at some point, but the undisputed
15:11king of put-downs is definitely Red Foreman.
15:14He may not like it.
15:15He may not thank you for it.
15:17He may do impressions of you behind your back.
15:22The Foreman family patriarch is always ready with a cutting remark or creative threat regarding
15:27his foot and someone else's backside.
15:29His most frequent target is his son, Eric.
15:32Following a Christmas rager, Eric is left incredibly drunk, causing him to mock Red and vomit all
15:37over his shoes.
15:38As he lays recovering from a hangover on the couch and complaining that his head hurts,
15:43Red provides him with a cutting explanation.
15:44My head hurts.
15:47That's your brain trying to comprehend its own stupidity.
15:50Number 2.
15:51Every Al Bundy Insult.
15:53Married with Children.
15:55Sometimes, it's not about the quality so much as the quantity.
15:58And you are going to sell me a five if I have to sit here all night.
16:03So because you're mad at me, you're going to take it out on a perfectly innocent chair.
16:08Al Bundy takes out his dissatisfaction with his lot in life on basically everyone he meets.
16:12This includes his customers, his neighbors, and especially his family.
16:17Question 2.
16:18Who would you rather spend the night with?
16:20A, your wife, or B...
16:22B.
16:26His dry, sardonic wit is seemingly bottomless, with a sheer number of gut-busting, haymaker
16:32lines being truly impressive all these years later.
16:34While life may often get the better of Al, his wicked remarks are usually more than enough
16:38to get one up on everyone around him.
16:40It's a wonder he isn't constantly being accosted by firefighters, with the number of
16:44burns he delivers.
16:46How dare you say that to my face!
16:49Well, I'd say it behind your back, but my car's only got half a tank again!
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17:09Number 1.
17:11Jerk Store
17:11Seinfeld
17:13There are TV show insults, and then there's Jerk Store.
17:16George Costanza rarely gets the better of those around him, as his inherently selfish nature
17:21usually gets in the way of his success.
17:29When a co-worker mocks him during a meeting, George is angry that by the time he's come
17:34up with a comeback, the man has been transferred.
17:36His fanatical devotion to the insult is such that he goes to extreme lengths in order to
17:41use it, only for his target to fire back.
17:43Well, the Jerk Store called.
17:46They're running out of you.
17:49What's the difference?
17:50You're their all-time bestseller!
17:53While his friends may not find it funny, we think that it's iconically hilarious.
18:06Is there a gut-busting TV comeback we forgot?
18:08Spice up the comments with your favorites.
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