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Carry On Adventures (1978) is a lighthearted comedy film filled with humorous situations, playful characters, and entertaining misadventures. Following a group of quirky individuals, the story delivers laughter, clever gags, and fun-filled escapades that keep audiences smiling from start to finish.
With classic comedic timing, charming performances, and a cheerful storyline, Carry On Adventures is perfect for fans of family-friendly humor, vintage British comedy, and feel-good entertainment that can be enjoyed by viewers of all ages.
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With classic comedic timing, charming performances, and a cheerful storyline, Carry On Adventures is perfect for fans of family-friendly humor, vintage British comedy, and feel-good entertainment that can be enjoyed by viewers of all ages.
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00:00:00There's no bad man in my life who doesn't care for a thing
00:00:29She don't want to go out dancing, she just loves to stay in
00:00:33She just cares about good love and never leaves me alone
00:00:37If I'm not prepared for action, she goes out on her own
00:00:42The woman is love-raising, she's loving all night
00:00:46The woman is love-raising, won't stop for a bite
00:00:50The woman is love-raising, she's out on her own
00:00:54Sometimes I work so hard, I wish she'd leave me alone
00:00:58The woman is love-raising, she's loving all night
00:01:02The woman is love-raising, won't stop for a bite
00:01:06The woman is love-raising, she's out on her own
00:01:10Sometimes it gets so hard, I just don't want to
00:01:14If the feeling ever takes her, she don't care where we are
00:01:18It's good lovin' in the disco, it's good lovin' in the car
00:01:22Madam? Champagne?
00:01:27Or is there anything madam would...
00:01:28Stuart? Stuart? Stuart? Stuart, are you coming?
00:01:42Hard there
00:01:45Hard there
00:01:47I wish the woman liked dancing
00:01:49I wish she played the guitar
00:01:51I like to DJ a new game
00:01:54I feel a bit on the far
00:01:55I wish she played piano
00:01:57Before my knees hit the floor
00:01:59I got to get her to slow down
00:02:02Slow down
00:02:02I think I've had it for sure
00:02:03The woman is love-raising, she's loving all night
00:02:27The woman is love-raising, won't stop for a bite
00:02:31The woman is love-raising, she's out on her own
00:02:35Sometimes I work so hard, I wish she'd leave
00:02:38The woman is love-raising, she's loving all night
00:02:43The woman is love-raising, won't stop for a bite
00:02:47The woman is love-raising, she's out on her own
00:02:51Sometimes it gets so hard, I just don't want to
00:02:54Who want to go home?
00:02:56The woman is love-raising, she's loving all night
00:02:59The woman is not crazy, won't stop pulling back.
00:03:04The woman is not crazy, she's out on her own.
00:03:08Sometimes I work so hard, I wish she'd leave it alone.
00:03:12Oh, excuse me, I'm sorry.
00:03:15I thought he was vacant.
00:03:18Oh, my God.
00:03:21I think I'd better go.
00:03:26How'd you do?
00:03:27How'd you do? Yes, my name's Theodore Valentine.
00:03:31Yes.
00:03:34You know when the flight's over, you must come and have tea with me.
00:03:37You'd love Mother.
00:03:39She'd love you.
00:03:41She's very...
00:03:43Mother makes me wear them.
00:03:48Oh, my glasses.
00:03:54Oh, Christ!
00:03:57Oh, my God.
00:04:02Mommy.
00:04:06Oh, my God.
00:04:22What's the problem?
00:04:22what is the purpose of your visit to the united kingdom i beg your pardon i'm still deaf on the
00:04:32flying we are having to be very careful who we are letting into this country you know
00:04:37how did you get in oh blimey i'm totally british may i ask the question again please
00:04:43what is the purpose of your visit to the united kingdom to make the friends with the british is
00:04:51the purpose of your visit business of pleasure pleasure definitely ah then you are here as a
00:04:57tourist i'm being reunited with my husband after a long separation what is your husband now he's
00:05:06probably in the bath no no i mean is he already in the united kingdom oh yes for a long time and
00:05:13how long you intend to stay with my husband no in our united kingdom does it matter i am an eec citizen
00:05:24what are you going to be doing here a little bit of this and a little bit of that oh please
00:05:31you must not be doing that you are giving me naughty thoughts
00:05:35good uh will you be seeking employment i hope not what is your husband's occupation i am oh dearie me
00:05:45how does he earn his living oh oui in the service of his country could you be more explicit please
00:05:52oh oui monsieur i can be very explicit about your husband he is a very how you say
00:06:02i am a man is he important not impotent he has other interests what is his position
00:06:13it varies what is his profession or calling please he is ambassador
00:06:19oh yes i am definitely developing my ribs are wippling my pectons are positively popping and my thorax
00:06:34is throbbing oh oh oh oh i must get some stronger elastic
00:06:40oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
00:07:10Can I help you?
00:07:12I am your mistress.
00:07:14Oh, my God!
00:07:18You should catch up with me one day.
00:07:20It's my own fault.
00:07:22Wait a minute. What am I talking about?
00:07:24I haven't got a mistress.
00:07:30I don't have a mistress.
00:07:32You have now.
00:07:33I repeat, how can I help you?
00:07:35Well, to begin with, you can tell the ambassador that his wife is here.
00:07:40Where?
00:07:41Here. I am here.
00:07:43Are you sure?
00:07:45I'm positive, I'm sure.
00:07:47I didn't know the ambassador had a wife.
00:07:49Now, you know.
00:07:53Madam.
00:07:58Emmanuel! What a wonderful surprise!
00:08:01I was not expecting you today.
00:08:03Otherwise, I would have been at the airport to meet you.
00:08:06Oh, you must forgive my masculine order.
00:08:11I have been pumping iron.
00:08:13What is that?
00:08:14The waitlisting!
00:08:16Still the same athletic, Emile.
00:08:19We're flabby ambassador with a derriere in pleats.
00:08:23There's no advertisement for his country.
00:08:25But you!
00:08:26You!
00:08:27You!
00:08:28You haven't changed!
00:08:29I flew Concorde to surprise you!
00:08:30Oh, la belle Concorde!
00:08:32Oh, I love that long nose!
00:08:34So phallic!
00:08:35So franco-phallic!
00:08:38Oh, this reminds me.
00:08:39You have not met my wonderful English butler, Loins.
00:08:42Loins is my wife Emmanuel.
00:08:44She has been travelling all around the world and other places.
00:08:47Cherie, Loins.
00:08:49His Excellency meant lions, madam.
00:08:52My name is Lyons.
00:08:56I prefer Loins.
00:08:59Likewise, madam.
00:09:02May I take your coat?
00:09:04Come.
00:09:05Now I need to show you all over the houses.
00:09:11Ah, Emmanuel, you are knackered.
00:09:14Sacrois bleu!
00:09:15I forgot I wasn't wearing a dress.
00:09:28You're a naughty butler, Loins.
00:09:30Yeah.
00:09:31Yes, ma'am.
00:09:32Yes, I think this is my favorite.
00:09:35For the rank of an impression.
00:09:37Oh!
00:09:43Who was that, Lyons?
00:09:44That, Mrs. Dangle, is the new mistress.
00:09:47Oh, fancy!
00:09:49Things might start looking up.
00:09:52I shouldn't be at all surprised.
00:09:54Hey, who was that?
00:09:56Richmond, that was the new mistress.
00:09:59Fancy that!
00:10:00Things ought to start looking up.
00:10:12I have missed you, Emile.
00:10:14And I, you, my love.
00:10:17But don't forget our little arrangement still stands.
00:10:20As long as you don't object to my body-building, I don't object to you finding your pleasures elsewhere.
00:10:26And what if I should seek my pleasures with you?
00:10:32Oh, no, I can't spare a drop of adrenaline. You must think of me as a last resort.
00:10:37Don't you want me just a little bit?
00:10:38Yes, just a little bit.
00:10:39Yes, just a little bit.
00:10:41Show me how good you are at weightlifting.
00:10:44Lift me over your shoulders and carry me over to the bed.
00:10:47Are you mad?
00:10:48I've not yet learned how to do a snatch and press.
00:10:51Oh, besides, I have a meeting with the foreign minister shortly.
00:10:56And I have a meeting with the ambassador, now.
00:10:59I have an appointment.
00:11:00We haven't made love since Paris, before you were boosted here.
00:11:04Oh, surely it's not that long.
00:11:07It's long enough.
00:11:09Come, bury your head in my bosom.
00:11:12No, no, I should have to keep coming up for air.
00:11:15I am in a mood for playing games.
00:11:18Well, try badminton hockey. Bowls.
00:11:20Bowls?
00:11:21Yes, bowls. The English are mad about bowls.
00:11:23Tennis bowl, volleyball, football, all kinds of bo...
00:11:27Excuse me, sir. I hope I'm not intruding.
00:11:31No, no, no. We were just discussing bowls.
00:11:34Bowls?
00:11:36I was having a work up. I mean, I was getting worked out.
00:11:39Having a work out.
00:11:41Yes. Will there be only 14 guests for dinner this evening, sir?
00:11:45Fourteen, yes. That is correct.
00:11:47Then I shall inform Mrs. Dangle.
00:11:51Come and lie with me indeed.
00:11:53No, I must finish my exercises.
00:11:57I can give you much nicer exercises.
00:11:59No.
00:12:05I am all hot for you.
00:12:07We'll have a cold shower.
00:12:08That's what you said last time, and look what happened.
00:12:11Oh, yes. I couldn't find this top cock.
00:12:14I caught you.
00:12:15I caught you.
00:12:18It is not nice to peep through keyholes.
00:12:21Sorry?
00:12:22You are very rude.
00:12:26Gordon Bennett.
00:12:28They're having a phonographic orgy.
00:12:31Now, lift up your arms.
00:12:32What for?
00:12:34But I don't understand. Why should I lift the...
00:12:36There. That didn't hurt, did it?
00:12:39No, no, no.
00:12:40Don't be shy, sherry.
00:12:42I'm not shy. I'm circumspect.
00:12:43Come on and make a male of it. It's my turn.
00:12:47Yes, but you are trembling.
00:12:48Yes, of course. I'm cold.
00:12:50I will warm you out.
00:12:51Oh, but why me?
00:12:52You can have Tom, Dick or Harry.
00:12:54I don't want Tom or Harry.
00:12:56Oh, oh.
00:12:58She's got him in a leg lock.
00:13:00Well, I used to do that when Henry was alive.
00:13:03I'm sure he didn't do it after he was dead.
00:13:05Here.
00:13:07What's he doing?
00:13:09Heavy breathing.
00:13:11Oh, Richmond, yes.
00:13:12I think you should have a look at this.
00:13:14Do you think he ought to at his age?
00:13:17You might jog his memory.
00:13:18Here. What am I going to say?
00:13:20Well, it certainly won't be the Muppet Show.
00:13:22Oh, oh, oh. Is it, er, is it Starsky or much?
00:13:25If you ask me, it's more like Starkers and Crutch.
00:13:27Hello, hello, hello. What's all this thing?
00:13:42It's what the butler saw.
00:13:43Here, here.
00:13:44The racket.
00:13:45What?
00:13:47Here, hold me out.
00:13:48Come on, get off.
00:13:49Oh, come on, boy.
00:13:51Son of a...
00:13:52No, no, I don't like.
00:13:53Me, I am a woman.
00:13:55Yes, so I've noticed.
00:13:56I am your wife.
00:13:57You should not hide anything from me.
00:13:58There's not much to hide.
00:14:01Snow White meets the incredible shrink in man.
00:14:05I will make you love me if it's the last thing I do.
00:14:10I think she's knackered him.
00:14:13Come on, back on her job.
00:14:15Get off!
00:14:16What is the matter of you?
00:14:17You've broken it.
00:14:18Oh, la, la. Turn over and let me have a look.
00:14:21No, no, not that. My back.
00:14:23I can't move.
00:14:24It's probably just crime.
00:14:25No, no.
00:14:26I'm in agony.
00:14:29Straighten your legs.
00:14:30I can't straighten anything.
00:14:32I'm completely bent.
00:14:33Bend back your toes.
00:14:34I can't.
00:14:36Panic.
00:14:37I can't panic either.
00:14:38Just life still.
00:14:40What else do you think I'm doing, you stupid great fool?
00:14:43I give up.
00:14:44I'm going to get changed and I'm going out.
00:14:46What for?
00:14:47I will blame you to drive me around London.
00:14:49But what about me?
00:14:50Don't worry, my dear.
00:14:51I'm sure you'll soon be feeling yourself again.
00:14:54Oh!
00:14:55That you, Theodore?
00:14:56Who are you expecting?
00:14:57General Amin.
00:14:58I've warmed your slippers.
00:14:59They're in the oven.
00:15:01I've warmed them.
00:15:02You've roasted them.
00:15:03Oh, Mother.
00:15:04I do wish you wouldn't fuss over me so.
00:15:05No trouble at all.
00:15:06I'd do it for your arthritis.
00:15:07I've never had arthritis.
00:15:08Well, there you are.
00:15:09It works.
00:15:10Have you had your vitamin c tablet this morning?
00:15:11Yes, Mother.
00:15:12Anne, I have a Alyssa.
00:15:13Okay.
00:15:15Talk about your fat tissue.
00:15:17That you, Theodore?
00:15:19Who are you expecting?
00:15:20General Amin.
00:15:21I've warmed your slippers.
00:15:22They're in the oven.
00:15:24I've warmed you, our slippers.
00:15:25They're in the oven.
00:15:27Oh!
00:15:28util Lanka!
00:15:30drying.
00:15:31شي.
00:15:32external multiplying one thing you
00:15:35And your vitamin B tablet?
00:15:37Yes, Mother.
00:15:38And your halibut oil capsule?
00:15:40Yes, Mother. I've had so many pills, I'll soon need a stomach pump.
00:15:44Prevention is better than cure.
00:15:46Dr Jones said to me, Mrs Valentine, your son, Theodore, is very delicate.
00:15:54With respect, Mother, when he said it, I was six months old.
00:15:56You've been a very clever doctor, Dr Jones.
00:15:58If you were at death's door, he'd pull you through.
00:16:02That's what I'm afraid of.
00:16:03Theodore, you're sickening for something.
00:16:09Mother, come and sit down. I want to talk to you.
00:16:13If you were.
00:16:16Now then, what shall we talk about?
00:16:20Mother, I've met someone that's very dear to me.
00:16:24Was it your Auntie Hilda, dear?
00:16:25No, Mother.
00:16:28I've met this girl. This wonderful girl.
00:16:31Don't be silly. There's no such thing.
00:16:33I think I'm in love.
00:16:34Oh, nonsense. You're far too young.
00:16:37I'm 34 and a half.
00:16:39Well, you've got your whole life in front of you.
00:16:41You don't want to fritter it away on some slip of a girl.
00:16:45But, Mother, she's exquisite.
00:16:48I know you'd like her.
00:16:50I wouldn't count on it, dear.
00:16:52I'm going to marry her.
00:16:54Nonsense.
00:16:55I'll never give you my permission.
00:16:57I don't need your permission, Mother.
00:17:00You're just like your father.
00:17:01He went off with some slip of a girl,
00:17:04and he never got my permission either.
00:17:06This your first time in London, is it?
00:17:35Well, keep your ears peeled,
00:17:36because little old Leyland here is going to give you the grand tour.
00:17:39Aye, yes, indeedy.
00:17:40And why not? After all, I've lived here all my life.
00:17:44Even before I was born.
00:17:46And believe me, no one knows better than I do.
00:17:49This is the greatest city in the world.
00:17:52If you're feeling lonely, why don't you come up here, eh?
00:17:56Huh?
00:17:58Oh, well, thank you, Paul Street.
00:18:01Now, up here, you see, is Oxford Street.
00:18:04That's where all the tourists come to do the shoplifting.
00:18:16Laugh a minute Leyland, they call me, up the mall.
00:18:20Look, love, you can see a lot better from up here.
00:18:22Eh?
00:18:26Oh, well, perhaps I should put it on automatic pilot
00:18:28and come back here with you.
00:18:30Because I'm driving you now, you know,
00:18:32in a Daimler pervertible.
00:18:34Ha, ha, the hood doesn't go down, but the chauffeur does.
00:18:45Well, we're, uh, heading for Downing Street now, number 10.
00:18:49You've heard of that, eh?
00:18:51Because not many people know that, uh, number 12 Downing Street
00:18:54is the office of the government whips.
00:18:56If you like that sort of thing.
00:19:01I'm feeling very hot.
00:19:03Yeah.
00:19:04I'm getting a bit warm myself.
00:19:07Ah, no, there's a sight to warm the cockles.
00:19:10Trafalgar Square.
00:19:11And there it is, an inspiration to mankind.
00:19:16Nelson's Column.
00:19:17Lady Hamilton had it built to remember him by.
00:19:23Mind you, with a column like that,
00:19:26how could she forget him?
00:19:27Ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:19:28It never fails.
00:19:42Next time round, I think I'll start here.
00:19:44Thank you, Lady Hamilton.
00:19:48I want to see the guards getting changed.
00:20:20They are very sexy, these guards.
00:20:25When they get a butcher's at you, love,
00:20:27you'd better be on guard.
00:20:33What is the matter with them?
00:20:34They never even looked at me.
00:20:36Well, they're not allowed to.
00:20:38Not on duty.
00:20:39Do you know, you could strip off in front of one of them guards
00:20:42and he wouldn't bat an eyelid.
00:20:45We shall see about that.
00:20:46Drive me to St. James's Palace, Leland.
00:20:50The woman is love-crazy.
00:20:53She's lovin' all night.
00:20:55The woman is love-crazy.
00:20:57Won't stop for a bite.
00:20:59The woman is love-crazy.
00:21:01She's out on her own.
00:21:03Sometimes I work so hard,
00:21:05I'll wish she'd leave me alone.
00:21:07The woman is love-crazy.
00:21:09She's loving all night
00:21:11The woman is love crazy
00:21:13Won't stop her up out here
00:21:15The woman is love crazy
00:21:17She's out on her own
00:21:19Sometimes it gets so hard
00:21:21I just don't want her home
00:21:23If the feeling ever takes her
00:21:26She don't care where we are
00:21:27It's good loving in the disco
00:21:29It's good loving in the car
00:21:31But if I don't keep her happy
00:21:34She would leave me, she would
00:21:35So I got to hang on in there
00:21:38If it can't be cool
00:21:40The woman is love crazy
00:21:42She's loving all night
00:21:43The woman is love crazy
00:21:46Won't stop her up here
00:21:48The woman is love crazy
00:21:50She's out on her own
00:21:52Sometimes I work so hard
00:21:54I wish you'd leave me alone
00:21:56The woman is love crazy
00:21:58She's loving all night
00:22:00The woman is love crazy
00:22:02Won't stop her up here
00:22:04The woman is love crazy
00:22:06She's out on the phone
00:22:08Hello there, ducky.
00:22:33Who?
00:22:34Emmanuel!
00:22:34Emmanuel, I hope you're going to wear something under that dress.
00:22:38Oh, yes.
00:22:39Charnel number five.
00:22:40No, no.
00:22:41Tonight you must be respectable.
00:22:43You must be on your best behavior.
00:22:45Everything you say and do will reflect on our beloved Republic.
00:22:49But this is the latest from Paris.
00:22:51It shows style.
00:22:52It shows more than that.
00:22:53It shows everything you've got.
00:22:54Well, almost everything.
00:22:56What is so terrible about that?
00:22:57It's not nice.
00:22:59How would you like it if men were to walk about in see-through trousers?
00:23:02Oh, I would like this very much.
00:23:05There is nothing wrong with a human body.
00:23:07There is no need to flash it all over the place.
00:23:09I think we should all go around without any clothes on.
00:23:12We don't be much healthier.
00:23:13We'd all be in bed with the flu.
00:23:15Nudity is perfectly natural.
00:23:16No, no.
00:23:17Even Adam and Eve had a fig leaf.
00:23:19Besides, you must rest in a way that is befitting for the wife of an ambassador,
00:23:23especially in view of our distinguished guests.
00:23:27The Prime Minister.
00:23:31The Metropolitan Commissioner of Police.
00:23:34The Ambassador for the United States of America.
00:23:40Field Marshal Hume, Chief of Staff.
00:23:44The Arabian Ambassador.
00:23:46The Lord Chief, Justice of the Appeals Court, and Master of the Roys.
00:23:54Admiral, sojourn hard enough.
00:23:56Not mention all their distinguished wives.
00:24:00How do you do?
00:24:01Not very often, I'm afraid.
00:24:03Too much bench, not enough wench.
00:24:07I will say, my wife is a better diplomat than I am.
00:24:12Yes, I have it off with everybody.
00:24:18Hit it off.
00:24:19She means she hit it off with everybody.
00:24:23Oh, yes.
00:24:24And what were you doing in the Far East, my dear?
00:24:27Nothing much.
00:24:28Sleeping around, mostly.
00:24:30She means sleeping around in many parts of the world.
00:24:38Has it ever occurred to you, my dear,
00:24:39how easy it would be at an occasion such as this?
00:24:42To assassinate your husband.
00:24:45Assassinate my husband?
00:24:47Who would want to do that?
00:24:49It's not the motive that would concern me, but the method.
00:24:52But how could anyone do such a thing?
00:24:56Here, at the table.
00:24:57Easily.
00:24:58A weapon could be concealed in a man's belt,
00:25:01or in a holster strapped to his leg.
00:25:03A lady could have a gun under her skirt.
00:25:06Merde.
00:25:10Assassinate my husband.
00:25:11That is not appropriate.
00:25:18Oh, I've dropped my earring.
00:25:20May I help, my dear?
00:25:21No.
00:25:22Oh, no, no.
00:25:23It's okay.
00:25:24I can manage.
00:25:27The cost of living must be brought down.
00:25:40Oh, I agree.
00:25:41Everything's going up these days.
00:25:43I'm so right.
00:25:49The wheel has, uh, turned full circle in my country.
00:25:53Now there's a, uh, definite trend towards the swing against the backlash.
00:26:09I didn't say anything.
00:26:11In my country, it is the duty of women to give pleasure to men.
00:26:19Tell me, uh, admiral, how do you enjoy the, uh, navi?
00:26:33Frankly, I can't stand the scene.
00:26:43It makes me bloody sick.
00:26:45Anything wrong?
00:27:05Oh, my goodness, what are you doing here?
00:27:22I'm looking for a weapon.
00:27:24Oh, you won't find one here.
00:27:26I'm trying to protect you.
00:27:27Protect me.
00:27:28Oh, my goodness.
00:27:29Oh, my goodness.
00:27:30Oh, my goodness.
00:27:31Oh, my goodness.
00:27:40After that, I decided to get to know my husband's friends a little.
00:27:44How you might say, better.
00:27:56How you might say, better.
00:29:26None of them had a weapon to worry about.
00:29:28These have arrived for you, madam?
00:29:44Oh, they're lovely.
00:29:47They may certainly are, madam.
00:29:49To my darling, adorable Emmanuel, with all my love, dear girl.
00:30:01I don't know any Theodos.
00:30:11Oh, well.
00:30:13I always forget their names, long before I forget the important things.
00:30:19Tell me, Lawrence, do you, uh, believe in free love?
00:30:26Anything free appeals to me, madam.
00:30:29And do I appeal to you?
00:30:33Yes, madam.
00:30:36Oh, Lawrence, you English are so frigid.
00:30:40Perhaps not so.
00:30:42After all, they do say the proof of the pudding is in the eating.
00:30:46In the eating?
00:30:49Yes, madam.
00:30:50Are you Andre Lines?
00:30:55I think I could manage a little nibble.
00:31:01Coffee?
00:31:02Pardon?
00:31:03You for coffee?
00:31:04No, thanks.
00:31:05I'm staying here.
00:31:06I'd like some coffee.
00:31:07Yeah.
00:31:09He's in a world of his own, you know.
00:31:10He hasn't been the same since he looked through that keyhole.
00:31:13I think it's disgusting.
00:31:15What?
00:31:16Having it off?
00:31:17Oh, don't be so crude.
00:31:18You men are all the same.
00:31:20Sex mad.
00:31:20Yeah, I'm proud of it.
00:31:22Hey, Richmond?
00:31:23Pardon?
00:31:24Sex.
00:31:24No, thanks.
00:31:25I'd rather have some coffee.
00:31:27Ah, coffee.
00:31:28Oh, here we are.
00:31:30Here.
00:31:31Me and Mrs. Dangle, we've just been talking about having it off.
00:31:35Rather you than me.
00:31:36Eh?
00:31:36No, not together, you burke.
00:31:38You've been a long time just taking up a bunch of flowers.
00:31:42What have you been up to?
00:31:44Er, nothing at all, really.
00:31:45Just a little intelligent conversation here.
00:31:48Lawrence, you've forgotten these.
00:31:49Oh, you randy old retainer.
00:31:53Could I have a cup of coffee?
00:31:54You can have anything you want, madam.
00:32:00Aye, aye.
00:32:01You've stopped his motor running.
00:32:04Steady on, Richmond.
00:32:06It's not proper you being down here below stairs.
00:32:11Why not?
00:32:11We are all human beings.
00:32:13There should be no class distinction.
00:32:15I believe in brotherly love.
00:32:17Yeah, that's incest.
00:32:19Love is the most important thing in the world.
00:32:22Not to me, it isn't.
00:32:23That's because you've forgotten what it's like to be loved by a man.
00:32:26To feel the warmth of his body next to yours.
00:32:31To feel his hot kisses on your lips.
00:32:34You've started him off again.
00:32:38We'll have to start putting bromide in his coffee.
00:32:41Making love is wonderful.
00:32:44You cannot be angry when you're making love.
00:32:48Look, can't we talk about something else?
00:32:50Oh, no.
00:32:51It's good to talk about it.
00:32:52It's important to get things off your breast.
00:32:54Now, I will tell you what we are going to do.
00:32:58We will all describe our most unusual, amorous experience.
00:33:05I couldn't possibly do that.
00:33:06Oh, yes, you can.
00:33:07It will release your repressions.
00:33:09Who is going first?
00:33:11Oh, I'll go first.
00:33:14Leyland.
00:33:15Very well then, Leyland.
00:33:16You have the floor.
00:33:17Face down, I hope.
00:33:19My most unusual experience occurred one warm, balmy evening last spring, when this young
00:33:26man's fancy likely turned to forks of lust.
00:33:29Oh, you fancy young men, do you?
00:33:32Mrs. Dangle.
00:33:35Feeling in the need of company, I transported myself to me favourite pub, the Tit and Sparrow,
00:33:40up Camden Passage.
00:33:41It took me but a point to make contact with the beauty of the female gender, what would
00:33:50turn any civilised man into a beast.
00:33:54Despite my natural, shy reluctance, she was insistent to the point of desperation.
00:34:06She whisked me off to her luxury flat in Mayfair.
00:34:11Where to say her intentions were dishonourable would be an understatement.
00:34:18No sooner did we reach her lavishly furnished penthouse, with the chandelier poised gracefully
00:34:26over the nuptial gudge.
00:34:29And she removes my garmentation in a flash.
00:34:41Whisked me between her sheets.
00:34:55I was about to satisfy herself of my irresistible best, and then let her win.
00:34:59Ah!
00:35:00Oh!
00:35:01Me husband!
00:35:02Her husband.
00:35:02Her husband.
00:35:25I can't tell you exactly what happened
00:35:44when she joined me in the closet.
00:35:48The details are too pornographic even for you lot.
00:35:52Suffice to say that, despite the cramped confines,
00:35:56we achieve mutual satisfaction.
00:36:11Oh, me hangers!
00:36:16It seems the lady had an unusual hang-up.
00:36:19She could only make love in a closet, standing up.
00:36:23She always arranged it that way.
00:36:25I found out later she was known locally
00:36:27as the closet queen of Camden Town.
00:36:29Richmond?
00:36:30Yeah?
00:36:31You can go next.
00:36:32Oh, thanks.
00:36:33After all, he never gets a worded edgewise.
00:36:36He'd be lucky to get anything in, edgewise or otherwise, if you ask me.
00:36:39We didn't.
00:36:41Richmond?
00:36:42Yeah.
00:36:43I...
00:36:44Oh.
00:36:45I'm not sure that I can remember all the details.
00:36:48Oh, come on.
00:36:49Tell us your most amorous escapade.
00:36:52It's that far back.
00:36:53He won't remember.
00:36:54Oh, yes, I do.
00:36:56It was during the war when I was in the army.
00:37:00Oh, those were dark days.
00:37:03He never knew which minute was going to be your last.
00:37:10To live dangerously.
00:37:16Make every moment count.
00:37:18I went to France to fight the enemy.
00:37:36Ah!
00:37:37I surrender!
00:37:38Eh?
00:37:39What?
00:37:40I think it was.
00:37:41Oh, come on.
00:37:42Oh, come on.
00:37:46Oh, it's never like this in Putney.
00:37:52Oh!
00:37:53Oh, what the hell?
00:37:54Oh!
00:37:55Oh, I surrender again!
00:37:56Oh!
00:37:57Oh!
00:38:01Shh!
00:38:02Come on.
00:38:11Hands hoch!
00:38:14In the name of Reich!
00:38:17Not you, Fräulein.
00:38:18The British soldier!
00:38:20Cut!
00:38:21Take the prisoner away!
00:38:32Now, Fräulein.
00:38:34You are quite safe.
00:38:36Oh, thank you.
00:38:37You are a fine-looking woman.
00:38:39Oh!
00:38:40Naughty, naughty!
00:38:41I like you!
00:38:42Ratschikis!
00:38:43I am going to have you!
00:38:45No, no, no!
00:38:46Yes, I am!
00:38:47No, no, no!
00:38:48I need to caress the beautiful woman!
00:38:49You don't have a hell of a shock if you do!
00:38:52Come!
00:38:53I want to have you!
00:38:57Gott in Himmel!
00:38:58Yes, my daughter.
00:38:59The shabbos are out to me, father.
00:39:01Oh, dear.
00:39:02Oh, don't worry, my child.
00:39:03You can stay here for as long as you like.
00:39:04Yes, well, but then where will I sleep?
00:39:07Oh, I'm sure my niece won't mind you sharing her bedroom.
00:39:08Your niece...
00:39:09Corlette!
00:39:10Yes, my daughter?
00:39:17The shabbas are after me, father.
00:39:18Oh, dear.
00:39:19Oh, don't worry, my child.
00:39:21You can stick here for as long as you like.
00:39:23Yes, sir.
00:39:23Then where will I sleep?
00:39:25Oh, I'm sure my niece won't mind you sharing her bedroom.
00:39:27Your niece, but...
00:39:27Corvette!
00:39:30No, it's impossible.
00:39:31Possibly.
00:39:32Come along, my child.
00:39:36What I am about to receive.
00:39:40Thanks.
00:39:40And I stayed there till 1953.
00:39:47Just a minute.
00:39:49The war ended in 1945.
00:39:52I was in no hurry.
00:39:56Lines, now it's your turn.
00:39:59Well, my most unusual Amherst experience, believe it or not, took place at the London Zoo.
00:40:05Went to see his relatives.
00:40:06Come on, Lines.
00:40:10Tell us about the zoo.
00:40:12Well, it was a lovely day.
00:40:14And all around me, there was evidence that spring was in the end.
00:40:24And all around me, there was a lot of fun.
00:40:26Oh, my God.
00:40:56Oh, my God.
00:41:26What's the matter?
00:41:29Oh, my dear, darling.
00:41:35Let me out!
00:41:38Help!
00:41:39Help!
00:41:40Help!
00:41:41Help!
00:41:42Help!
00:41:46Help!
00:41:47Help!
00:41:48Help!
00:41:49Help!
00:41:50Help!
00:41:51Help!
00:41:52Help!
00:41:53Help!
00:41:54Help!
00:41:55Help!
00:41:56Help!
00:41:57Help!
00:41:58Help!
00:41:59Help!
00:42:00Help!
00:42:01Help!
00:42:02Help!
00:42:03Help!
00:42:04Help!
00:42:05Help!
00:42:06Help!
00:42:07Help!
00:42:08Help!
00:42:09Help!
00:42:10Help!
00:42:11Help!
00:42:12Help!
00:42:13Help!
00:42:14Help!
00:42:15Help!
00:42:16Here.
00:42:17Did you get anything?
00:42:18Pneumonia.
00:42:19Mr. Stangen, your turn.
00:42:20Very well.
00:42:21I shall reveal everything.
00:42:22Well, if you've got a strip, I'm going.
00:42:23Sit down.
00:42:24My most unusual experience happened in a laundrette.
00:42:25As anyone knows, laundrettes are better than pubs if you're after a pick-up.
00:42:28I didn't know that.
00:42:29If you ever get around to washing your clothes, you'll find out.
00:42:31Now, this particular day, the place was full.
00:42:33Unattached people.
00:42:34Of course, you get all types in there.
00:42:35But then I prefer all types to other types.
00:42:36Through long experience.
00:42:37And if there's been an unusual experience, it happened in a laundrette.
00:42:40As anyone knows, laundrettes are better than pubs if you're after a pick-up.
00:42:43I didn't know that.
00:42:44If you ever get around to washing your clothes, you'll find out.
00:42:47Now, this particular day, the place was full.
00:42:51Unattached people.
00:42:54Of course, you get all types in there.
00:42:58But then I prefer all types to other types.
00:43:01Through long experience.
00:43:03And if there's one thing I've had more than anything else, it's experience.
00:43:07All you do, if you're on the make, is you say something like,
00:43:11Excuse me, dear, can I borrow some of your suds?
00:43:19And if that doesn't work, you say,
00:43:21My, but you've got some saucy underpants.
00:43:24But despite my unusual attractiveness and highly reclaimed sex appeal,
00:43:32that day didn't get off to a very promising start.
00:43:36But sometimes, when you least expect it,
00:43:40you see a stranger across a crowded laundrette.
00:43:46The End
00:43:48The End
00:44:50I knew when I first laid my eyes on his wife, Franks, I knew.
00:45:02But he was the one.
00:45:32Thank you, Mrs. Dangle, for a most unbelievable experience.
00:45:51And now I think it's time for you, madam.
00:45:53Here, here.
00:45:54Here, here.
00:45:56Well, I fear, in comparison, mine may seem rather dull.
00:46:00I really don't have your imagination.
00:46:03Why, don't you believe it, darling?
00:46:05One day they'll be queuing up for the film rights of yours.
00:46:07Well, all right.
00:46:09My most unusual, amorous affair, you may find it hard to believe, was with my husband.
00:46:19He has not always been the man you know.
00:46:22Not very long ago, he was one of the dashing young sons of La Belle France, with an appetite
00:46:27for the exotic amor, almost equal to my own.
00:46:32We made love in wild, crazy places, beautifully, elementally, in the air.
00:46:40It was all so wonderful, so dangerous.
00:47:10Hemingway said, to make love beautifully is to die a little each time.
00:47:30Unfortunately, Emile very soon saw the point.
00:47:40But now I think we all understand the master's shortcomings.
00:48:10The woman is love, crazy, she's loving all night.
00:48:18The woman is love, crazy, won't stop for a fight.
00:48:22The woman is love, crazy, she's down on the home.
00:48:27Don't try to get the heart out, but she's new to the moment.
00:48:31Pardon me, madam, there's a young man who wishes to see you.
00:48:34Does he have a name?
00:48:36I believe he said Theodore Valentine.
00:48:38Oh, yes, I remember him.
00:48:41He's the one I don't remember.
00:48:44Quite, madam.
00:48:45Oh, well, better keep him waiting a moment while I make myself respectable.
00:48:59There, that should do.
00:49:01I do wish you wouldn't lie about in this abandoned fashion.
00:49:08It's not good for the servants to see you, topless.
00:49:11I've had no complaints.
00:49:12Oh, you are bold.
00:49:14I have never seen anyone so bold.
00:49:17Why don't you stay here?
00:49:19And we can be bold together.
00:49:21No, I haven't time.
00:49:22I have a meeting with the Minister of Foreign Affairs.
00:49:25Oh, him?
00:49:26He doesn't have any affairs.
00:49:28That's his problem.
00:49:29Unlike you, I don't judge everybody by the amount of dilly-dallying they get up to.
00:49:33You're always too busy to do the things I like.
00:49:36I'm sure you don't need me to help you to do the things you like.
00:49:40I like doing the things I like with you, as well as with others I like.
00:49:44Sooner or later, Emmanuel, you are going to ruin our marriage
00:49:46if you insist on trying to drag me into your silly amours.
00:49:51Well, for goodness sake, cover yourself up.
00:49:53Tell her to cover herself up.
00:50:05Oh!
00:50:06Oh!
00:50:10Emmanuel?
00:50:11Oui, monsieur.
00:50:13It's me, Theodore.
00:50:16Don't you remember me?
00:50:19No.
00:50:20But you haven't looked at me yet.
00:50:22I don't recognise your voice.
00:50:23Look at me!
00:50:28Well?
00:50:30You look familiar.
00:50:32The Concorde.
00:50:33Oh, oui!
00:50:34Oh, yes!
00:50:36That was very funny.
00:50:38I didn't think so.
00:50:40Didn't you?
00:50:41Well, I mean, wasn't it good?
00:50:44Well, it was...
00:50:46Different.
00:50:50Didn't it mean anything to you?
00:50:52Oh, yes!
00:50:53I will always fly Concorde in future.
00:50:55Oh, since a wonderful night.
00:50:57I haven't slept.
00:50:58Or eaten.
00:50:59Or even cleaned my teeth.
00:51:01Well, you don't need to clean your teeth if you haven't eaten.
00:51:04I have fallen in love.
00:51:06Oh, you poor boy.
00:51:08Who is?
00:51:08Who do you think?
00:51:09Is it anyone I know?
00:51:11It's you, of course.
00:51:14I say, I've never felt like this about anyone before.
00:51:17Not even...
00:51:19Not even my own mother.
00:51:23Emmanuel, I want to marry you.
00:51:25Oh, I'm done.
00:51:27Shower time.
00:51:27Oh, no.
00:51:36You may I tell, Monsieur Concorde.
00:51:46Oh.
00:51:47Did you hear what I said?
00:51:52I want to marry you.
00:51:54If you want to marry me, you will have to ask my husband.
00:51:57But I don't want to marry a husband.
00:51:59I should hope not.
00:52:00Do you love him?
00:52:02Sometimes.
00:52:02You don't sound sure.
00:52:04Oh, yes.
00:52:05I'm sure I love him sometimes.
00:52:07Well, will you be prepared to leave him for me?
00:52:09Certainly not.
00:52:10Not for you or anyone.
00:52:12Well, why did you give yourself to me like that in the Concorde?
00:52:14You mustn't think that because I'm at love to you in the Concorde
00:52:17that you're entitled to any landing, right?
00:52:20I think I'd better go.
00:52:21Oh, you can stay if you wish.
00:52:23I have a free morning.
00:52:25My towel, please.
00:52:39Now, look.
00:52:40I shall never make love to you again
00:52:42until you promise your undying love for me.
00:52:45I wouldn't be too sure about that.
00:52:47Oh.
00:52:48You can't tempt me again.
00:52:50No.
00:52:51Oh.
00:52:52Keep away from me.
00:52:53You said you'll love me.
00:52:54Yes, but I do.
00:52:56Show me.
00:52:57Teodor.
00:53:02Oh, Teodor.
00:53:04You have wet yourself.
00:53:06There we are, darling.
00:53:07All tucked in, nice and thin.
00:53:10Night-night.
00:53:11Night-night, Mummy.
00:53:12What are we going to dream about tonight, darling?
00:53:16Oh.
00:53:16Not her.
00:53:17Why not?
00:53:19Well, she'll only bring you trouble.
00:53:21Yes.
00:53:22Have you dreamt about her before?
00:53:23Yes, often.
00:53:25Night and day.
00:53:25Oh, you are in a state.
00:53:28I dreamt about her last night.
00:53:29Did you?
00:53:30No, she wouldn't let me.
00:53:33I must ring Dr. Jones.
00:53:35What can he do?
00:53:37Well, he can give you an injection or something.
00:53:40What for?
00:53:40For whatever you've got.
00:53:42I like what I've got.
00:53:44Well, I don't.
00:53:45I'm going to do something about it.
00:53:47Night-night, darling.
00:53:51Now it's time for your afternoon bodybuilding session with Harry Hernier.
00:54:12Now, this afternoon, I'm going to show you how to build up your stomach muscle.
00:54:18I don't think I got any.
00:54:20Are you ready?
00:54:21I'm all yours, Harry.
00:54:28Do that again.
00:54:30So is he.
00:54:31Now, first of all, let's all lie down on the floor.
00:54:34Oh, there you are.
00:54:37Now, rise your legs in the air.
00:54:40Oh, nice.
00:54:41Who's he got in there?
00:54:43I don't know.
00:54:44I can't see.
00:54:45No.
00:54:46Come.
00:54:49Lane.
00:54:50Ah.
00:54:51What are you doing?
00:54:52Oh, I was just tying my shoelace, madam.
00:54:56Yes, and I was healthy.
00:54:58Yes.
00:54:59But, Lane, your shoes have no laces.
00:55:02Oh, I...
00:55:03I'm back.
00:55:12Ah, yes, dear.
00:55:16It's warm out.
00:55:17You don't care what I do.
00:55:22You don't care what I do.
00:55:22Today, today, I made love to 14 soldiers, 21 sailors, and 16 airmen.
00:55:33Well, the Prime Minister announced that the morale of the Defense Forces has never been higher.
00:55:38Well, what do you say?
00:55:40Well, what do you say?
00:55:42Nothing.
00:55:46Why wouldn't you mussels develop like that?
00:55:47Oh, they will, eventually.
00:55:50You'll never match that gorgeous, hon.
00:55:51Well, I don't expect to match him.
00:55:54That's Harry Hernier.
00:55:56He has the most highly developed rectus femurus in the whole of Britain.
00:56:02Has he?
00:56:02Bye-bye this afternoon.
00:56:09And don't forget your exercises.
00:56:12Tonight, I'm going to proclaim him Mr. Super Muscle.
00:56:18Do you know him?
00:56:19Of course.
00:56:21Yes, I have lessons from him in pumping iron.
00:56:24I think I would like to meet him.
00:56:27Whatever for.
00:56:29Bodybuilding?
00:56:32Where do you sleep?
00:56:46On the mat.
00:56:50Where do you sit?
00:56:51Ah, sitting's bad for the posture.
00:56:53You either stand, squat, or lie down.
00:56:55Mind if I squat?
00:56:56Surely.
00:56:59What's something?
00:57:00Depends what you have in mind.
00:57:02Oh, drink, maybe?
00:57:05Maybe.
00:57:06Okay.
00:57:11Oxo or Barbara?
00:57:12Don't you have something else?
00:57:14Sure.
00:57:15How about a glass of milk?
00:57:17No, thank you.
00:57:18What do you want to do?
00:57:34Depends what you have in mind.
00:57:36A workout, maybe?
00:57:38A workout?
00:57:39Sure.
00:57:40What do you want me to do first?
00:57:42Now, come on, lady.
00:57:43Let's take your climbs off.
00:57:44Oh, can you help me with the zip?
00:57:51Why, sure.
00:57:53Now, let me get my things off.
00:57:56Can I help you?
00:57:58I can manage.
00:58:01Take a look at this.
00:58:04It's a beaut, eh?
00:58:05What do you think of that?
00:58:08Uncriable.
00:58:09I've never seen anything that big.
00:58:14Now, let's have a look at you.
00:58:15Well, what's the verdict?
00:58:24You definitely need more exercises.
00:58:27How about making love?
00:58:29Very good exercise.
00:58:31Builds up your lumbar
00:58:32and your rectus abdominis.
00:58:35Yeah, but it's off my training program at the moment.
00:58:37Oh, that's a pity.
00:58:38Sorry, darling.
00:58:39It's the Mr. Muscles contest
00:58:40and I want to win that title again before I retire.
00:58:43That'll make it a hat trick.
00:58:45I'm determined to go out with a bang.
00:58:49That's exactly what I had in mind.
00:58:54Ambassador's resident?
00:58:57I'm sure that madam is asleep right now.
00:59:01Very well, sir.
00:59:02Are you sure it's urgent?
00:59:05Yes, sir.
00:59:06Just hold on, my man, please.
00:59:07Madam.
00:59:32Madam.
00:59:32Madam.
00:59:37Wake up, madam. There is a call for you.
00:59:45Madam, wake up, please. He says it's urgent.
00:59:47Who is that?
00:59:50Oh, Loins.
00:59:53What is it?
00:59:55A phone call. I believe it's a gentleman, friend.
00:59:59Tell him I'm out.
01:00:01He already knows that you're in, madam.
01:00:04Take a message.
01:00:05I did.
01:00:06What was it?
01:00:07He says that he wants to speak to you.
01:00:13Hello.
01:00:15Who is this?
01:00:17It's me, Theodore.
01:00:19Are you alone?
01:00:20I'm in bed.
01:00:22Yes, but are you alone?
01:00:23What do you want?
01:00:25I had to ring you.
01:00:26Why?
01:00:27Because I want to tell you that I love you.
01:00:31You love me?
01:00:32Oh, Loins.
01:00:34Pardon? What did you say?
01:00:35Oh, nothing.
01:00:36I love you.
01:00:38Theodore, you don't fall in love with someone like me.
01:00:41Why not?
01:00:43It's out of character.
01:00:45Oh, oh.
01:00:47Oh, Loins.
01:00:49Loins? You called me Loins.
01:00:51I didn't call you Loins.
01:00:52I called Loins, Loins.
01:00:55Is Loins, is Lyons in bed with you?
01:00:58Oh, no.
01:00:59He's just a butler.
01:01:00Don't be silly.
01:01:01He brought me a cup of tea.
01:01:02Emmanuel, I want you to promise me to give up all those men and come and live with me.
01:01:10And mother.
01:01:11He wants me to promise to give up all those other men and come and live with him.
01:01:17And mother.
01:01:17I don't think that's a very good idea.
01:01:24Why not?
01:01:25I'm happy where I am.
01:01:27How can you say that?
01:01:30Nobody loves you like I do.
01:01:32You're not in a position to refuse.
01:01:34I'm in a position to do anything I want.
01:01:37If you don't do what I ask, I should be forced to do something drastic.
01:01:44Now you're laughing at me again.
01:01:47Goodbye, Teodoro.
01:01:49Don't call us.
01:01:51We'll call you.
01:01:55Oh, come on, Loins.
01:01:57It's time to get up.
01:01:58There you are, madam.
01:02:03Emmanuel, come along.
01:02:08You know that...
01:02:09Emmanuel, what on earth are you wearing?
01:02:11You're the one who's always complaining about me walking around uncovered.
01:02:16I was hoping you would be ready.
01:02:18I am, Charest.
01:02:20I'm always ready.
01:02:22Let's go into the library.
01:02:23I don't go to the library to read books.
01:02:26Neither do I.
01:02:27We're supposed to be attending an official function.
01:02:30I don't want to go to your function.
01:02:32I do not like your functions.
01:02:34They're all boring.
01:02:35It's a football match.
01:02:37I am to present a cup.
01:02:39A football match?
01:02:41With all those young, healthy men.
01:02:44With big thighs.
01:02:45But if you don't want to go, I can't make you.
01:02:47Give me time to get changed.
01:02:57What kept you?
01:02:58What kept you?
01:03:00What kept you?
01:03:02Come on.
01:03:32Come on.
01:04:02Come on.
01:04:32Come on.
01:04:42Come on.
01:04:44Come on.
01:04:45Come on.
01:04:55Come on.
01:05:05Come on.
01:05:15Come on.
01:05:27Come on.
01:05:37Come on.
01:05:39Come on.
01:05:43Come on.
01:05:47Come on.
01:05:55Come on.
01:05:57Come on.
01:06:05Come on.
01:06:07Come on.
01:06:17Come on.
01:06:19Come on.
01:06:21Hello.
01:06:22Hello.
01:06:23Harry Hernia here.
01:06:25Remember the other night?
01:06:27Well, my trainer says it's okay until Friday.
01:06:29So how about it?
01:06:31Well, I am.
01:06:32I'll meet you in ten minutes.
01:06:34Outside your garden gate.
01:06:37Here we are.
01:06:38I'll meet you in the third party.
01:06:39How about it?
01:06:40You have to meet you in the third party.
01:06:42You have to meet you in the first party.
01:06:43I'm...
01:06:44I'm...
01:06:45I'm...
01:06:46I'm...
01:06:47I'm...
01:06:48I'm...
01:06:49I know you are a big man, but this is ridiculous.
01:07:00Move.
01:07:01Must I? It's very nice like this.
01:07:03Get in.
01:07:16Start the car.
01:07:17Theodore, what is this all about?
01:07:21How do you know it's me?
01:07:25Start the car.
01:07:26I will not. I'm going to have dinner with my husband and the foreign secretary.
01:07:30They can wait. I'm kidnapping you.
01:07:32That's crazy. My husband wouldn't give you one franc to get me back.
01:07:36Not for ransom. I'm making you my prisoner. I'm going to keep you to myself.
01:07:41That's ridiculous.
01:07:42I warn you. I'm desperate. Start the car.
01:07:46No.
01:07:48Why not?
01:07:49I can't drive.
01:07:51Oh, God. Why didn't you tell me?
01:07:53You didn't ask me.
01:07:54Change over.
01:07:55Come on.
01:07:56Oh, God.
01:07:57This is worse than the Concorde.
01:07:59If you wanted to kidnap me properly, you should have sneaked into my bedroom in the middle of the night,
01:08:14Clara for me and carried me over your back to the car in a sack.
01:08:19I thought of that. Only I've got a bad back.
01:08:29You can't drive with one hand.
01:08:31Yes, I can.
01:08:32There you are.
01:08:34You're not going to kidnap me.
01:08:37I am.
01:08:38I don't think so.
01:08:41I can't drive lying down.
01:08:43You've been talking about driving.
01:08:45No, don't.
01:08:46Stop.
01:08:47Don't.
01:08:48Stop.
01:08:49Don't.
01:08:50Stop.
01:08:51Don't.
01:08:52Oh, don't stop.
01:08:54Oh, Manuel.
01:08:55You're making it very hard for me.
01:09:14Manuel, I may have to do something totally ruthless to bring you to your senses.
01:09:20My editor won't be interested unless all this is authentic, you know.
01:09:23It's authentic, all right.
01:09:25I've got the pictures here to prove it.
01:09:26Well, now, what else has this broad been up to?
01:09:30It's all down there.
01:09:34What's that?
01:09:35Blimey, is that what it means?
01:09:37And that was with a chauffeur, right?
01:09:38Yeah, that's right.
01:09:42You'll have to have proper substantiation before we can run this, you know.
01:09:44I've told you I've got everything.
01:09:46Photographs, names, places, dates, and all on affidavits.
01:09:49Foreplay with the butler.
01:09:52By the way, did you use a wide-angle lens on this?
01:09:55I certainly did.
01:09:57Ah-ha.
01:09:58Ménage à trois with a Soviet ambassador and a KGB man at the Soviet Embassy.
01:10:02Sounds like a case of reds on the bed.
01:10:04Ultra-liner with the Minister of Sport.
01:10:11What's that?
01:10:13Ultra-light-liner.
01:10:17Spanking!
01:10:19You should know about that, you old devil.
01:10:21When it used to happen to me, I didn't know you were supposed to enjoy it.
01:10:26Theodore, what does coitus interruptus with the Prime Minister mean?
01:10:31It means, Mother, that the Prime Minister's a very busy man.
01:10:35Pygmalionism?
01:10:37Amorous attraction directed towards a statue.
01:10:41Stone of pigeons!
01:10:43Whoop!
01:10:45Accepted her punishment from the Lord Chief Justice.
01:10:49A bit of habeas corpus with the police commissioner.
01:10:53Played strip monopoly with the chairman of the Bank of England.
01:10:56And got herself in a very United State with the American Ambassador.
01:11:00Let me have a look.
01:11:04I haven't got me glasses.
01:11:07Aphrodite Gallipicus with the guest conductor of the Royal Symphony Orchestra.
01:11:12Aphrodite Gallipicus.
01:11:14It's all Greek to me.
01:11:16It says scropophilia is the more urgent form of voyeurism.
01:11:21Hm?
01:11:23The need to watch others undress.
01:11:25Blimey, I've had that for years.
01:11:27Not with an entire football team.
01:11:30No, I'm a rugby man, mate.
01:11:31Different shape balls.
01:11:33Because of his wife's alleged misconduct in high places, the President of the Republic has indicated that the Ambassador may be recalled and dismissed.
01:11:40Because of the allegations, the Soviet Ambassador today sought political asylum in the Soviet Union.
01:11:46I beg your pardon, that should be the Soviet Ambassador today was sent to a political asylum in the Soviet Union.
01:11:52The Prime Minister said today, there's nothing to deny.
01:11:56What good is proof, if you haven't got the evidence?
01:11:59The American Ambassador said, why the **** don't you **** off and mind your own **** business?
01:12:03Will you all stand back?
01:12:04Will you all stand back?
01:12:05Will you all stand back?
01:12:06Will you all stand back?
01:12:07Will you all stand back?
01:12:08Will you all stand back?
01:12:09Thank you very much.
01:12:10Where's the Ambassador?
01:12:11Where's Emmanuel?
01:12:12Can we have a statement?
01:12:13The Ambassador and his lady wife have asked me to tell you they are not at home.
01:12:18And even if they were, the answer would be, no comment.
01:12:21Hey, butler.
01:12:22You're the butler.
01:12:23You must have seen something.
01:12:24Yeah, tell us what the butler saw.
01:12:26No comment.
01:12:27Is it true that the Ambassador's wife had an affair with all the domestic staff except you? Is that true?
01:12:33That, sir, is quite untrue.
01:12:36Ah, then the butler did do it.
01:12:39No comment.
01:12:43Don't like Harold Hunt, can't stand him.
01:12:45That's funny, he can't stand you either.
01:12:48Please be quiet and listen.
01:12:50Hello, good evening, good night, and welcome.
01:12:53Not since the Keele affair, or Watergate, has public interest been so aroused in the affairs of state.
01:13:00I refer, of course, to the case of Madame Emmanuelle Prevert.
01:13:06Now, Madame Prevert has consented, and I use the word advisedly, to be interviewed for the very first time.
01:13:21Madame Prevert.
01:13:22Madame Prevert.
01:13:23I beg your pardon.
01:13:29Madame Prevert, thank you for allowing me to set the record straight for our viewers.
01:13:34Not at all.
01:13:36Will you now take this opportunity to deny the allegations that have been made against you?
01:13:41No.
01:13:43You won't take the opportunity, or you won't deny them?
01:13:45Which?
01:13:46Both.
01:13:47He won't catch Madame!
01:13:48Quite, yeah!
01:13:49Do you deny the allegations that have been made against you?
01:13:53No.
01:13:55Don't you mean, yes?
01:13:56No.
01:13:57I mean, no.
01:13:59You don't deny the allegations at all?
01:14:01No.
01:14:02Apart from a little embellishment, they are substantially true.
01:14:05You mean, you're not going to deny the allegations?
01:14:09Why should I?
01:14:10Everybody else has.
01:14:11Well, that's their problem.
01:14:12That's challenging, girl!
01:14:14Do it, Madame!
01:14:15Shh!
01:14:16Now, wait a minute.
01:14:19Let's get this straight.
01:14:21Is it true or false that you actually had an affectionate encounter with the Prime Minister?
01:14:28True.
01:14:29I remember it quite well.
01:14:30Really?
01:14:31I don't always remember everyone I have an affair with, but I remember him.
01:14:35It was very charming.
01:14:36He sandwiched me in between a cabinet meeting and a visit from the unions.
01:14:40Of course, he was a little distracted.
01:14:43I bet he was!
01:14:44Oh, please!
01:14:46So would I be.
01:14:48Do you mind?
01:14:50What about the other people mentioned in the press?
01:14:53Oh, they were all a bit distracted.
01:14:55Busy people usually are.
01:14:57Uh, really?
01:14:58That is why, on occasions, I have to resort to variations.
01:15:03Do you realize what you're admitting?
01:15:06Yes.
01:15:07Then would you like to take this opportunity to express your regrets over these affairs?
01:15:12No.
01:15:13You don't deny them and you don't regret them?
01:15:16Yes, I don't.
01:15:18Do you have a sense of right and wrong?
01:15:20Oh, yes.
01:15:21Then you'll admit you did wrong?
01:15:23No.
01:15:24Don't you have any qualms about the fact that your actions seem likely to bring down the government?
01:15:29That's very unlikely.
01:15:30Really?
01:15:31The papers admitted to mention I'd give an equal time to the leader of the opposition.
01:15:36He sandwiched me between a meeting of the Shadow Cabinet and a game of golf.
01:15:41How did he get his eye on the ball?
01:15:44Must be the only man who got a hole in one on the 19th.
01:15:49But why?
01:15:50Why did you, an ambassador's wife, do all this?
01:15:54Can you think of any better way of winning friends for your country?
01:16:02Do you share the philosophy of certain other ladies who have said that by making love to many people, they are expanding the frontiers of human relationship?
01:16:12No. This is, how you say, bullshit.
01:16:20What about your husband?
01:16:21Well, he thinks it's bullshit, too.
01:16:30What are you doing?
01:16:31You talk too much.
01:16:34Well, cut it there, okay?
01:16:36It's live?
01:16:38What bloody idea was that?
01:16:40At least cut it off the one for the states, okay?
01:16:41It's going out now.
01:16:42Oh, satellite.
01:16:44Worldwide with instant translations.
01:16:46Good night.
01:16:50Good night.
01:16:52Good night, everybody.
01:16:56Cut it! Cut it!
01:16:58What are you doing?
01:17:00Cut to the commercial.
01:17:01Cut it!
01:17:02Cut it!
01:17:03Cut it!
01:17:04Cut it!
01:17:05Cut it!
01:17:06Cut!
01:17:07Cut it!
01:17:08Cut it!
01:17:09Oh...
01:17:10At least it won't hurt the ratings.
01:17:11Cut it!
01:17:12Cut it!
01:17:13Cut it!
01:17:14Cut it!
01:17:15Theodore! Theodore!
01:17:21What are you doing?
01:17:22Nothing, Mother.
01:17:24You're not doing anything naughty to yourself, are you?
01:17:27Like that disgusting boy in that novel.
01:17:30No, Mother.
01:17:32Well, I've got some lovely steamed chicken
01:17:35and mashed potatoes with butter and parsley and herbs for you.
01:17:41I'm not hungry, Mother.
01:17:43But you haven't eaten for days.
01:17:46You're not on hunger strike, are you?
01:17:48Yes, Mother.
01:17:50Because of that dreadful girl?
01:17:52Yes, Mother.
01:17:54Then half the country must be starving.
01:17:57Don't you understand? I love the Manuel.
01:18:00I mean, I can't live without her.
01:18:02But...
01:18:03I can't do anything right.
01:18:04I'm going to shoot myself.
01:18:16Oh, no, no, darling.
01:18:19I must.
01:18:20I'm a failure.
01:18:22You're all that Mummy's got now that Daddy's gone.
01:18:25I'm a complete failure.
01:18:29No!
01:18:31Oh!
01:18:34Told you I was a failure.
01:18:36I missed.
01:18:38But this little Teddy...
01:18:40Teddy!
01:18:41Teddy!
01:18:42No!
01:18:43So!
01:18:44Ninety nine.
01:18:45Ninety nine.
01:18:46Ninety nine.
01:18:47Ninety nine.
01:18:48Say, ninety-nine.
01:18:50Ninety nine.
01:18:51Ninety-nine.
01:18:52No!
01:18:53Let me see, this stems from the unfortunate accident with the church spi-
01:18:58Yes, you got the point.
01:19:00Oh, you got the point?
01:19:03Oh.
01:19:04And you're finding it difficult to make love to your wife?
01:19:07Yes, can you help me?
01:19:09You want me to make love to your wife?
01:19:11Ah, no, certainly not.
01:19:13I want you to help me to do it.
01:19:15Hmm, jolly good.
01:19:16Please drop your trousers.
01:19:18Hmm, I'm quite sure your condition is psychological, not pathological.
01:19:26There's absolutely no reason why you cannot enjoy a perfectly normal relationship with the wife.
01:19:33But I've tried and tried.
01:19:37And you can't raise any enthusiasm?
01:19:40I can't raise anything.
01:19:42Hmm, you seem to have the right equipment.
01:19:46You're very kind.
01:19:48Oh!
01:19:49Doctor, your hands are very cold.
01:19:52Sorry.
01:19:56Cough?
01:19:58Yes, as I thought.
01:20:00Is all in your mind?
01:20:02Are you sure?
01:20:04I'll prove it.
01:20:05Nurse!
01:20:06Oh, wait a minute.
01:20:07I've got nothing on.
01:20:08I'm not decent.
01:20:09She's a nurse.
01:20:10She's used to seeing things like that.
01:20:13Open your coat, please, nurse.
01:20:14Thank you, nurse.
01:20:15You see, there's nothing wrong with you.
01:20:29You're making a fuss about such a little thing.
01:20:32I would not say that.
01:20:34You will catch a cold in your eye.
01:20:45It is incredible.
01:20:46What is?
01:20:47She must be in a very bad way.
01:20:49What is it?
01:20:50Who's she got in bed now?
01:20:51You'll never believe me when I tell you.
01:20:53The ambassador.
01:20:54Which one?
01:20:55Her husband.
01:20:56Oh!
01:20:57Well, I suppose a change is as good as a rest.
01:21:01That was wonderful, darling.
01:21:06I think nothing of it.
01:21:08It's good exercise.
01:21:10It builds up the lumbar.
01:21:12And your ectus abdominis.
01:21:14And I'll tell you something else.
01:21:15What?
01:21:16It's a lot better than pumping iron.
01:21:19I've never stopped taking my pills since...
01:21:24Since I left school.
01:21:26Well, the pill is only 99.99% safe, you know.
01:21:32I'm afraid you are the unlucky .001.
01:21:36I've never heard of that before.
01:21:38I mean, I don't mind becoming a mother,
01:21:41so long as it doesn't interrupt with my love life too long.
01:21:44I will respectfully suggest that a few months' layoff might do you a world of good.
01:21:51It might do the world a world of good too.
01:21:56Well, that's it then.
01:21:58I think we should celebrate.
01:22:00Why not?
01:22:01Let's go behind the screen.
01:22:02For why?
01:22:03To celebrate.
01:22:04I'll be reading all about how naughty you are.
01:22:07And I'm thinking we both can be naughty together.
01:22:10How dare you?
01:22:11I am a married lady.
01:22:13Nurse.
01:22:18Coming, doctor.
01:22:21Emile, I have some news for you.
01:22:23Yes, what is it, Daddy?
01:22:24What would you say to an addition to the household?
01:22:26Oh, no, no, no, no.
01:22:27We already have the inflation.
01:22:28Everything's going up.
01:22:30With Loins, Mrs. Dangle, Leyland, even all richmen's at the rise.
01:22:35I am talking about a baby.
01:22:37I am pregnant.
01:22:39Oh, I feel faint.
01:22:40I must sit down.
01:22:41Oh, I've come over queer. I'm going to be a father.
01:22:46You don't mind?
01:22:47Oh, mind. I think it's wonderful.
01:22:49So do I. But I don't understand how I get a baby on the pill.
01:22:53I have a confession to make to you.
01:22:55I wanted to be the only man in your life, and I thought motherhood.
01:23:00Motherhood?
01:23:01A devoted mother doesn't have time to deli.
01:23:05What are you telling me?
01:23:06One night, when you were asleep, I took your pills away.
01:23:10Oh, but you can't have.
01:23:11I haven't stopped taking them.
01:23:12You thought you were taking them,
01:23:14but I got a chemist friend of mine to make up a substitute
01:23:16and slotted them into your packet.
01:23:18Oh, la, la.
01:23:19You're angry?
01:23:21No.
01:23:22So all the time I've been taking some harmless pills.
01:23:26They weren't exactly harmless.
01:23:28What were they?
01:23:29They were fertility pills.
01:23:35Hooray! Hooray! Hooray!
01:23:39Hooray! Hooray!
01:23:40Hooray!
01:23:41Hooray!
01:23:41Hooray!
01:23:42Hooray!
01:23:42Don't they look like their father?
01:23:44The woman is love-raising, she's lovin' all night.
01:23:48The woman is love-raising, won't stop for a bite.
01:23:52The woman is love-raising, she's down on a home.
01:23:57Sometimes I get too hard, I wish she'd leave me alone.
01:24:01The woman is love-raising, she's lovin' all night.
01:24:04The woman is love-raising, she's lovin' all night.
01:24:08The woman is love-raising, she's down on a home.
01:24:13Sometimes it gets so hard, I just don't wanna go home.
01:24:17The woman is love-raising, she's lovin' all night.
01:24:21The woman is love-raising, won't stop for a bite.
01:24:25The woman is love-raising, she's lovin' all night.
01:24:27The woman is love-raising, she's lovin' all night.
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