Why You Should Get ANGRY!

Stefan Molyneux

Stefan Molyneux digs into the tricky side of anger, weighing how it can shield someone against how it might wreck connections with others. He talks about finding a middle ground in dealing with it, drawing from his own background with a short-tempered parent and the fallout from being overlooked as a kid. Molyneux stresses drawing clear lines with people and warns against chasing understanding from those who can't give it emotionally. In the end, he pushes for seeing anger as a cue to guard yourself, and urges building better awareness around handling feelings.  GET FREEDOMAIN MERCH! https://shop.freedomain.com/  SUBSCRIBE TO ME ON X! https://x.com/StefanMolyneux  Follow me on Youtube! https://www.youtube.com/@freedomain1  GET MY NEW BOOK 'PEACEFUL PARENTING', THE INTERACTIVE PEACEFUL PARENTING AI, AND THE FULL AUDIOBOOK! https://peacefulparenting.com/  Join the PREMIUM philosophy community on the web for free!  Subscribers get 12 HOURS on the "Truth About the French Revolution," multiple interactive multi-lingual philosophy AIs trained on thousands of hours of my material - as well as AIs for Real-Time Relationships, Bitcoin, Peaceful Parenting, and Call-In Shows!  You also receive private livestreams, HUNDREDS of exclusive premium shows, early release podcasts, the 22 Part History of Philosophers series and much more!  See you soon! https://freedomain.locals.com/support/promo/UPB2025

Transcript

00:00Hey, hey, everybody, Stefan Molyneux from Freedom Man, hope you're doing well.

00:04So, I had a call this morning, and with the permission of the listener, I'm going to tell

00:10you a good theme that came out of it. So, the question was around anger and the purpose of

00:18anger. So, this has nothing to do with this person's life, but it is an important principle

00:25that came out of it, so we're going to talk about that. So, the big question with anger

00:32is, what's the purpose of anger? Like, why do we have anger, and what is the purpose of

00:38anger? How does it help us? How does it serve us? When is it too much? When is it too little?

00:43When is it inappropriate? Blah, blah, blah. So, let me sort of make a case here and tell

00:49you what I think is the most important aspects of anger that need to be thought about when

00:56dealing with it. Because, you know, you don't want to go through life with no anger. You

00:59also don't want to go through life with sort of chronic perpetual irritation and so on.

01:04So, let's see if we can find the old Aristotelian mean, right? Too little anger means that you

01:10are too easy to push around. Too much anger means that quality people don't want to spend

01:15time with you and you can only ever have, you know, victim types in your life. So, let's

01:22say you grew up with an angry father, an irascible, irritable, angry father. Could be mother, just

01:29going to go son father. Now, can you call your father out on his anger? Can you say, dad, you

01:37know, it's kind of uncomfortable. You seem to spend a lot of time angry or pissed off and tense

01:43and frustrated and kind of awkward and I feel a little tense or quite a bit tense around

01:49you and, you know, boy, could we really try and sort this out. I would really appreciate

01:55that if we could have a conversation about it, if there's something I'm doing or something

01:59that comes from you and so on, right? Because angry people tend to be either in your face

02:06or avoidance. So, if your father is not getting along with your mother, then, you know, there's

02:13a sort of man cave, you know, the garage or the shed or someplace that they go where they

02:19do incomprehensible manly things in the deep testosterone of their perpetual avoidance. And

02:28if that's the case, of course, then you either get explicit disapproval from your angry father

02:33because he's yelling at you or mad at you or upset with you or criticizing you or something

02:39like that. You either get that explicit disapproval or, yay, alternatively, you get the implicit

02:47disapproval. Of course, the implicit disapproval is he's avoiding you. He's gone to his man cave

02:54somewhere and he's kind of avoiding you. And so, you put in this, you know, it's a horrible

03:00position when you're a kid, right? So, you put in this position where you have to deeply

03:06believe, it's, this belief is sort of inflicted upon you. You sort of have to deeply believe

03:12that either something's wrong with him or something's wrong with you. I mean, you could

03:18say or both, but kids don't tend to work that way. And, of course, it's not really a real

03:24way to work, right? Because you can't really say, well, when it comes to the father and the

03:29child, the father and the son, both parties are equally at fault, like that doesn't really

03:33make any sense because that would be to say that the kid is born wrong, born bad, born

03:39dysfunctional, born selfish, whatever it is, right? And, of course, if you're born that

03:43way, then you can't really be criticized for that. You know, nobody really nags at me about

03:48being blue-eyed or blonde because that's just how I was born. You can't sort of say, so,

03:54oh, so, the kid is born not wrong and the father, therefore, it must be the father who's

03:59wrong. And the father can't claim excuse of, well, I had a bad childhood because he's an

04:05adult and he's holding the child accountable and so on, right? So, if you've got an ill-tempered

04:11father, he's either aggressive or avoidant and either you are then explicitly criticized

04:17or implicitly criticized. And the implicit criticism, this is why I consider neglect far,

04:23far worse than verbal abuse because the implicit criticism is much, much tougher to deal with

04:29than the explicit criticism. Because if somebody says, you know, you're a selfish a-hole, you

04:34know, and repeatedly, then at least you have something to work with. You can say, oh, okay,

04:38so that's the criticism. Am I a selfish a-hole? And you say, well, no, at times when I've been

04:44pretty kind and generous and thoughtful and, you know, blah, blah, blah. So, you can push back

04:49against a specific criticism, but neglect and avoidance where your father just goes off and

04:53does other things, that's a whole different situation, right? It's a whole different situation

04:59because your father's criticism is never made explicit and therefore you can make up any number

05:06of things that you are deficient in. I'm not manly enough. I'm not sporty enough. I'm too loud.

05:12I'm too quiet. I'm too selfish. I'm not selfish enough. I'm like, whatever you're coming up with,

05:17you get to invent it all on your own, which means it's a buffet, right? You served a meal,

05:23you can like or not like the meal, but if it's a buffet, things you don't like are kind of on you.

05:28And so, neglect produces a near infinite variety of self-attack. If you're called a selfish a-hole

05:35or, you know, you just, you don't think or, you know, then at least you have something

05:39specific to work with. Okay, this is what my father doesn't like and is this true? Is this false?

05:43You have something specific to work with. But if your father's just avoiding you, then you don't

05:47know, right? It's, I mean, you're getting ghosted in your own home and ghosting makes people crazy

05:52because they don't know what's going on. They don't know what the situation is or why they're

05:58being ghosted. So, they tend to go kind of crazy and make up all of these things.

06:02It could be any number of things. So, you get to pick from an infinite buffet of self-criticism

06:09if you are neglected or if your father avoids you. So, something's wrong with you or something's

06:16wrong with him. Again, it can't be equally both. Now, as a kid, if you say, well, there's something

06:22wrong with my father, then you would get angry, right? If something is wrong with you, we tend

06:28not to get angry. That's the example I've given in the past is if you are supposed to

06:33meet your friend at 7 o'clock and he's not there and he's not there and then he shows

06:39up at 8 and you're angry and you say, we're supposed to be here at 7. You say, no, no,

06:42no, you said 8. And then you, he shows you the text message where you said 8 and you got

06:46your wires crossed so you wouldn't be angry with him anymore. You say, oh, man, I'm so

06:49sorry. Like, sorry. I must have really, you might be annoyed at yourself or whatever, but

06:53you wouldn't be angry at him. If you texted him and meet you at 8, you show up at

06:577, he gets there at 8 and you're mad at him and then he shows, right? So, it

07:01wouldn't be, wouldn't be just. And nobody would continue. Well, you should have

07:05known. You should know what I meant, not what I said, right? So, the anger, if your

07:11father is neglecting you, avoiding you, if he's not present, then, sorry, I didn't need

07:19to say that three times, then you would be angry at him. If you would experience as a

07:25child being angry at him, you'd say, hey, hey, bro, bro, what are you doing? What are

07:29you doing? You come home, you spend a couple hours in the man cave, and then you pass out

07:34in front of the TV. Like, I'm not getting any parenting here. Like, you need to step

07:38up. You need to actually be a parent. Like, this is not right. You need to sort of do right

07:43by me. You need to do your job. Do your damn job, you know? Rage Against the Breast, Tom

07:50Cruise, Magnolia style. You got to do your job. Do your job. So, can you say that, right?

07:58Can you say that to your father? You need to step up and do your job, right? Like, if

08:03your dad's an entrepreneur, right? Let's say he sells boilers, hot water boilers, right?

08:10And if a customer has a big problem at the boiler that he installed, the customer's going

08:16to call him up and say, hey, this boiler's not working, or the boiler is leaking like

08:20crazy, or the, you know, the boiler is overheating, or, you know, the boiler is on fire, like some

08:25bad thing is happening to the boiler, right? So, he would be used to customers saying to

08:31him, something's wrong with the boiler. I'm not a happy customer, and you need to come

08:36and fix the boiler, right? Because they're the customer, right? So, if you, as a child, are

08:42not getting the services that you want or need from your father, then you would, of

08:47course, in a sort of rational universe, you'd say to your dad, hey, like, I'm not, I'm not

08:53satisfied with the quality of the service I'm receiving from you as a parent. That is

08:58not, uh, that is not good. That is bad, bad stuff. You are a bad provider of services, or

09:05the services you provide are bad, or whatever, right? You'd lodge a complaint, put them in the

09:09suggestion bars. Dad, uh, I miss you, uh, you know, we're not spending enough time together,

09:15uh, we don't really having any, any positive interactions, uh, and I'm getting kind of jumpy

09:20because, you know, it's not much fun for me if, when you come home, you just avoid me, or

09:26sit on your phone, or sit on the computer, or go to the man cave, or, like, I feel bad because I

09:32feel like I'm not interesting. And, you know, I know it's not my job to be super interesting and

09:37entertain you as, you know, I'm just a little kid, but, you know, you gotta, you gotta fix

09:43this. You gotta, you gotta sort this out. Like, this is, this is bad for you, it's bad

09:46for me, and, you know, you've decided to be a father, or at least keep the kid, keep

09:53me, so you, you gotta do your job. You know, if you had an employee who just sat around on

10:00his phone all day, or played on the computer, or did some hobby, uh, you know, built ping-pong

10:06tables, or something, you would say, well, no, you're not, you're not doing your job,

10:10you're doing other things, but you're not doing your job. And then, if your employee

10:14then, you know, spent the morning doom scrolling, or brain rot scrolling on Insta, and then spent

10:22the afternoon building a ping-pong table, which is not his job, and then took a nap, you would

10:28feel like, well, this person isn't doing their job, and you would be upset with them, you'd

10:31be angry with them, and you'd say, you need to do your job. And if they refuse to do their

10:35job, you'd fire them, right? So, you have a job called parenting, which you're not doing,

10:42you are avoiding, and that's bad. And you wouldn't accept this from your employee, so

10:47why would I accept it from you? Your employee is providing services to you, he's not providing

10:51those services, he's a bad employee, you gotta get him to change, or you're gonna fire him.

10:56In the same way, if you install a boiler, and the boiler is bad, then you have to go fix

11:01it, and so on, right? So, so you need to do your job, you need to do your job, you need to parent,

11:08right? Well, I mean, what would happen? Well, your parent would get annoyed, and angry, and

11:13whatever, right? So, your anger, so you're hurt, right? Hey, daddy, I miss you, right? You're a little

11:22kid, daddy, I miss you, I love you. You're hurt. So, of course, because you're hurt, right? You

11:29express that you're hurt. Now, when does the anger come in? Well, the anger comes in when you express

11:36that you're hurt, but the behavior doesn't change, right? You express that you're hurt, but the

11:42behavior doesn't change. So, if you've ever had a friend, usually we've all had one friend like this,

11:47who just drives too damn fast. He just drives too damn fast. And you say to your friend,

11:55listen, can you, can you slow down? Like, why are you going 90 into 70? I don't, like, please,

12:01slow down. Now, if your friend is like, oh, yeah, sorry, I mean, sorry, I've got a bit of a lead

12:06foot, I don't mean to make you uncomfortable, I will slow down, right? Let's say I'm talking miles

12:11an hour to make it even worse. So, if your friend, on the other hand, speeds up, then you're angry

12:19because you've made a reasonable request, which is don't go 20 miles over the speed limit,

12:24which is like going 130 in a 100 zone in the kilometer system. So, it's too far, especially if

12:34the road conditions aren't great, like it's wet or slippery or icy or snowy or something like that.

12:39Slow down. I'm not comfortable.

12:41And if the person, if your friend just turns and smiles at you and hits the gas or doesn't slow

12:45down, then you're going to get angry because you're frightened of dying. He's in control of

12:50your life. I had a guy, actually, we were working together and we were at a corporate retreat in

12:59the Rockies and he was driving me up there from Vancouver and was just way too fast around those

13:03hairpin turns. And I'm like, you gotta, you gotta stop, man. Like, you gotta slow the hell down.

13:08It almost got us killed at one point. You're like on two wheels on a hairpin turn.

13:12And if your friend doesn't slow down, doesn't acknowledge or acknowledges but doesn't slow

13:18down or in fact speeds up, then you get angry. Well, why do you get angry? Because the person

13:23is doing something that is upsetting or fearful or hurtful or dangerous or whatever,

13:29and they are not listening, right? Like if you have a friend who likes pulling out an air horn

13:36and blasting it in your ear, which can damage your hearing and you say, I need you to stop doing

13:41that and then he does it even more, then you've got a situation, you've got a sadist on your hands.

13:47You've got a cruel person, you've got a narcissist, a selfish person, a hierarchy person, a status

13:52person, whatever it is, but they sure as hell, I'm a good friend. So anger is when hurt or upset,

13:59when a negative emotion that you're experiencing is not enough to get someone to change his or her

14:06behavior, they either maintain or escalate the negative behavior, then your hurt is not enough

14:13to change their behavior. Because you want empathy, right? I mean, and you're not getting it. In fact,

14:20you're getting the opposite, perhaps. Because once you ask for empathy, there's no neutral situation

14:24anymore. You either get your empathy or you get sadism. It's sort of like if you've got an uncle

14:32who play wrestles with you, like say you're eight or nine years old and you've got an uncle who play

14:37wrestles you and he does something that really hurts you and you say, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, ah, that hurt,

14:45right? And then he just does it again. Well, now you're in a situation where it's not play,

14:48you're in danger. You've got a sadist on your hand. You've got a cruel a-hole on your hand who's

14:53now hurting you and not doing it by accident. Whereas if he says, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry,

14:58blah, blah, blah. I'll make sure I never do that again. Let's stop for a bit. And I'm so sorry,

15:02right? I mean, I remember when I was in, I was maybe 14 or 15 and a friend of mine had a pool

15:07and somebody left going over there and there was a priest who was in his 40s back then who, you know,

15:12was wrestling with the kids in the pool, but way too hard, like pinning your arms,

15:16half popping your shoulders out. And people were like, whoa. And, but he just kept doing it. So we

15:21just avoided him, right? It's just a weird ass, just a very strange fella. He was doing some,

15:26I'm stronger than you, I'm bigger than you. Maybe this is how you pop people's shoulders out and

15:32bring them closer to God. I don't know. It was just a weird, a weird afternoon. Hey, how come you

15:37kids aren't swimming? It's a weird muscular John Cena tentacle priest in the pool. So we are not

15:44doing that, right? So someone does something that upsets you, you tell them, and you know,

15:51it's, if it's reasonable, right? If it's reasonable. It's not like, uh, you use the word flugelhorn,

15:57which my father used when he beat me. Okay. Well, maybe even then you can avoid the word flugelhorn

16:02or something like that, but you know, assuming it's reasonable. And if the person doesn't change

16:06their behavior, well, now you're in a situation of anger because they've revealed themselves to be

16:10selfish a-holes, narcissists, whatever. It may be a sociopath, maybe a psychopath, whatever, right?

16:15But they, they are not moved by empathy in the right direction. They're either not moved by empathy

16:20or they're moved in the wrong direction. So then you get angry. Why do you get angry? Because your

16:25anger is trying to keep you safe. And you recognize that you're in a situation where somebody is

16:29being cruel to you. And neglect is one of the biggest forms of cruelty. I mean, it's like starving

16:35someone, right? Emotionally, it is starving someone, particularly a child, particularly if

16:40you're, God help you, an only child. So you go from, I'm upset, hurt, sad, whatever, scared to

16:49requesting a change in behavior so that you don't feel sad, bad, scared, right? And if the behavior

16:56doesn't change or escalates, then you get angry and you get angry for a one-two strategy. So the first

17:04strategy is, look, I said, stop blowing your horn in my ear. Stop it. I mean it. Don't do it. So

17:14then maybe they'll stop blowing their horn in your ear because you're angry. Maybe. At least it gets

17:21the horn out of your ear. It doesn't bode well for the friendship in the long term, but at least it gets

17:25the horn out of your ear, right? So you're protected. Now, if they still don't get their horn out of your

17:32ear, like you said, hey, like it really hurts when you blow that horn in my ear and then they do it

17:36again. You're like, will you stop? Stop it. Stop blowing that horn in my ear. I mean it. Like, seriously,

17:41do not do that again. And if they do it again, what is your impulse? To get away, to leave, to get out of

17:48the situation. I mean, maybe you want to beat the guy up or whatever. I don't know. But your anger is

17:52like, this cannot be fixed. And so you need to get away, right? If you keep play fighting with

17:59someone and they keep full-on clocking you in the face and you, hey, that hurt. And then they do it

18:04again. Well, you play more carefully, for God's sakes. Pull your punches. Know your strength,

18:09right? And if they do it again and again, you're like, you're really angry and you're peace out.

18:15You're done. You're out. You're out. You're not doing that anymore with the guy. You're not doing

18:19that anymore with the guy, right? That's what the anger is for. I'm hurt. I'm upset. I'm bad. I'm scared.

18:25Whatever. I feel bad. And if the behavior continues or escalates, then you get angry,

18:30which is an attempt to stop the behavior. And if the behavior continues, the anger turns to

18:35exasperation, which is a combination of significant anger and hopelessness. In other words, my anger

18:41cannot change the situation. Sorry. My anger cannot change the person. Therefore, my anger is telling

18:47me to leave the situation. Does that make sense? Fear, sad, bad. Ask for a change of behavior. If it

18:54doesn't come, you get angry in the hopes that you can stop the behavior. If the behavior

18:58continues, you get more angry and leave, right? So the guy's blowing the horn in your ear. It

19:05hurts. It's uncomfortable. It's unpleasant. And you say, stop. Like, that really is annoying.

19:10Like, sorry, this is bad, right? And then they do it again. Hey, stop that. And if they do it

19:15again, I'm out. I'm leaving. Hey, man, I'll stop. And it's like, but then that's a game,

19:19right? So your anger, the first part of the anger is to change the other person's behavior

19:26with recognition that that person's empathy and your negative emotion is not enough to change that

19:33person's behavior. So then you try to change that person's behavior through anger, right? And then if

19:40it doesn't change, your anger is where we're at. And so the analogy in the workplace is someone's not

19:46doing their job, you say, listen, man, it's really bothering me that you're not doing your job. It's

19:50upsetting me. It's having a negative effect on the other workers. It looks bad on me. And, you know,

19:57please, can you just do your job, right? You're sort of being vulnerable. You're saying how it affects

20:01you and something, right? And if the person doesn't do their job, then you say, okay, so this is a

20:07performance review. I'm putting a black mark in your file. You have to do your job or you won't be

20:12working here for very long, right? And then hopefully they'll change and you don't have to

20:16go through the hassle of hiring someone new. But if they still don't, then you just fire them if

20:21they still didn't do their job, right? So the first is being vulnerable about what you need and honest

20:25about your negative experience. The second is saying you need to change from an assertiveness

20:30anger standpoint. And the third is if your negative emotions are not enough for that person to change,

20:36the fact that they're upsetting or harming you or making you feel something negative, if that's not

20:40enough for them to change, then you get angry. If that's not enough for them to change, then you

20:45peace out, right? You're angry. Your anger turns into exasperation. So a lot of people get stuck

20:51in the second part where they expect their anger to change someone. When you have to get angry at

20:57someone in order for him or her to change, the relationship is almost certainly doomed because

21:02it's not happening because of empathy. The relationship is almost certainly doomed if you have to resort

21:07to anger to get someone to treat you decently, right? So your anger cannot fix anyone, right?

21:17Your anger cannot fix anyone at all. It's really important to understand. If the person does not

21:24respond to upsetting you in an empathetic way, if the person does not respond to upsetting you in an

21:30empathetic way, then that person has no empathy, which means they have to substitute cruelty or power

21:36or mockery or something like that. And you can't fix that person. You cannot fix somebody who has no

21:42empathy. You cannot fix someone who's addicted to status or who mocks you or, oh, don't be so

21:47sensitive. You know, that kind of, you can't fix those people. You cannot fix those people. You cannot

21:51fix those people. And trying will paralyze you, will wreck you, will ruin you because then you're

22:00taking the obligation on to say that, well, my anger or my upset or whatever it is, my pleas

22:05can fix someone, can make someone better. Your feelings cannot fix people. Nobody can fix a lack

22:14of empathy. It's sad but true. This is why you've got to treat your kids as best as you can, as best as

22:19they need to develop empathy when they're young. Because you cannot petition the Lord with prayer.

22:26You cannot fix people who don't have empathy. Nobody knows how to do it. Otherwise, we wouldn't

22:30have prisons. Therapists would know how to fix people who were, say, narcissists or something

22:38like that. You can't fix them. If you try, what happens is you say you end up with despair,

22:45right? You end up with despair. Despair is when your anger feels useless, futile, pointless. That's

22:53despair. And you don't want to end up in a situation where your anger is useless and pointless and

22:59helpless and you just end up permanently irritated, frustrated, tense, negative. And that's going to

23:08entirely condition the people who you can end up having in your life. So, do not imagine that your

23:15anger can fix people who lack empathy. That you might, your anger at best can get them to stop

23:20doing negative actions in the short term. Your anger can do that temporarily, but it cannot fix

23:29them. It cannot give them empathy. It cannot make them be empathetic. So, your anger in general exists

23:35to get you away from people who lack empathy and who are maybe, in fact, actively cruel. And usually

23:42people who lack empathy are almost always cruel. Because when you don't have empathy, all you have is

23:48status. And in order to have status, you have to put other people down in order to have a higher

23:52status, right? A status is the opposite of empathy. Empathy is win-win. Status is win-lose. So, I hope

23:58this makes sense. And I really do appreciate your empathy. Empathy, my friends, towards freedomain.com

24:05slash donate to help out the show. Shop.freedomain.com for your merch. And freedomain.com slash books

24:12for all of the lovely new print versions of the novels. I hope to talk to you soon. I appreciate

24:19your time, thoughts, care, and attention in this most essential conversation.

24:24Lots of love, my friends. I'll talk to you soon.

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