- 52 minutes ago
Category
๐ฅ
Short filmTranscript
00:00:00The tropical places, you know, that's the go-to.
00:00:30Get your white sands and your blue water and your fucking guava trees and whatever.
00:00:35And it makes a beautiful postcard, but I burn.
00:00:39And I can't, you know, it's just not, it's not relaxing to me.
00:00:42If I got my Mai Tai and my pina umbrella, whatever thing, and I forget to put on my SPF Infinity sweater and a bottle.
00:00:49And then the next day I can't wipe my own ass without discomfort, exceptional discomfort.
00:00:54And then I gotta stay out of the sun and deal with all that bullshit.
00:00:58And what's the point of being in the tropics if you gotta act like some fucking nerd on summer break reading a Hobbit book in his bedroom?
00:01:06So, a more temperate climate.
00:01:10That's what I'm looking for from this.
00:01:13From a getaway standpoint.
00:01:15What about you?
00:01:16It'd be nice to meet somebody.
00:01:21What?
00:01:22You know, just somebody new.
00:01:24Get unstuck.
00:01:26That's kind of a lot to pin on it.
00:01:29I'm just saying I was talking about a more temperate climate and you're talking about some measure of human emotion.
00:01:34One of which, by the way, you can find on the map.
00:01:37We're just talking here, right?
00:01:39Sure.
00:01:39Well, you're going off like we just pulled some Master Diamond heist.
00:01:42I'm just saying eventually.
00:01:43Haven't even found a place.
00:01:44We're looking.
00:01:46Right?
00:01:47There's the jet caching place we talked about.
00:01:51That's a rough crowd.
00:01:53Something goes wrong.
00:01:53It goes all the way wrong.
00:01:57The flower shop.
00:01:58No, she's nice.
00:01:59And I met her daughter that one time, so that makes it really...
00:02:02You shouldn't have been shopping there.
00:02:04I was casing the joint.
00:02:05You could have cased the fucking Louvre the amount of time you spent there.
00:02:07She has nice eyes and she found her passion in flowers and I don't want to rob her.
00:02:11Some people have no idea what they want to do with their lives and she's...
00:02:13Fine, fine.
00:02:14I get it.
00:02:15Besides, I found the place.
00:02:18I found the flower shop.
00:02:19No, I mean the place.
00:02:23Yeah?
00:02:24Yeah.
00:02:24It's perfect.
00:02:27Unexpected.
00:02:29Is it this place?
00:02:31What?
00:02:32Oh, man, yeah.
00:02:33This is like Pulp Fiction.
00:02:34What shitty part of Pulp Fiction would this possibly be like?
00:02:37You know, the opening part with Honey Bunny and Pumpkin and any of you fucking pricks move?
00:02:42I'm going to execute every motherfucking last one of you.
00:02:46Jesus.
00:02:47Yeah.
00:02:47Yeah, I'm into it.
00:02:48Let's do it.
00:02:49What are we going to rob the diner with?
00:02:50Our fucking coffee spoons?
00:02:53We should at least order the steak and eggs first so we have knives.
00:02:56You guys ready to order?
00:02:58Yeah, I'll have the steak and eggs.
00:03:00What is the finest item on your menu?
00:03:05Oh, my favorite is the chocolate chip pancakes.
00:03:08Super tasty.
00:03:10Yeah.
00:03:11You don't like pancakes?
00:03:13No, it's just my ex-fiancee's favorite.
00:03:17So it's kind of a loaded menu option for me.
00:03:22It's a Denver omelet.
00:03:24Thanks.
00:03:28Wow.
00:03:29What?
00:03:30I don't want chocolate chip pancakes.
00:03:32So what?
00:03:33It's breakfast, not dessert.
00:03:35Perfect.
00:03:36Say that.
00:03:36Do you want to hear about the place or do you want to be my fucking life coach?
00:03:42It's a house.
00:03:44I know how to get in.
00:03:45I know there's valuable jewelry.
00:03:47And I know that they're gone all week.
00:03:50Which week?
00:03:51This week, now.
00:03:56Holy shit, this is real.
00:03:57This is really real.
00:03:59There is one part.
00:04:02It's in a gated community.
00:04:04So there's a guard and a gate and a fence around the whole thing.
00:04:09So I know how to get in the house.
00:04:12I just don't know how to get to the house.
00:04:18Well, I do.
00:04:19I know how to get in the house.
00:04:20I know how to get in the house.
00:04:20I know how to get in the house.
00:04:21I know how to get in the house.
00:04:21I know how to get in the house.
00:04:22I know how to get in the house.
00:04:23I know how to get in the house.
00:04:24I know how to get in the house.
00:04:25I know how to get in the house.
00:04:26I know how to get in the house.
00:04:27I know how to get in the house.
00:04:28I know how to get in the house.
00:04:29I know how to get in the house.
00:04:30I know how to get in the house.
00:04:31I know how to get in the house.
00:04:32I know how to get in the house.
00:04:33I know how to get in the house.
00:04:34I know how to get in the house.
00:04:35I know how to get in the house.
00:04:36I know how to get in the house.
00:05:07We'd like to order a pizza, please.
00:05:15For here to go.
00:05:17For delivery.
00:05:37We're here.
00:05:53And that's how you do it.
00:05:54This is for you, my good man.
00:06:10Dude.
00:06:12You get the other half when you pick us up.
00:06:15Oh, this is bullshit.
00:06:16At least pay for the pizza, man.
00:06:18This is all the way the hell out here.
00:06:20How am I going to account for this from the books?
00:06:23Fine.
00:06:26Now, remember, this address plus a sausage, mushroom, and anchovy pizza.
00:06:34That's the code to come pick us up.
00:06:35Yeah, the address is fine.
00:06:37I mean, no one's going to come...
00:06:38Whoa, let's not get our signals crossed here, okay?
00:06:42Just stick to the plan.
00:06:44Whatever.
00:06:47Whoa, whoa.
00:06:48Yeah.
00:06:49Since we paid for it...
00:06:53What if there's no hide-a-rock?
00:06:58There is.
00:07:00How do you know?
00:07:01Because I know.
00:07:02We wouldn't be here if there wasn't a hide-a-rock.
00:07:04Then why haven't you found it?
00:07:05Because it looks like a fucking rock.
00:07:07That's the beauty of its design.
00:07:09I've got no bars.
00:07:14How would you pay all this money to live up in a place with no bars?
00:07:18I'll have to call the pizza guy from inside, I guess.
00:07:22That'll actually make it seem more legit.
00:07:24Yeah.
00:07:25The caller ID shows this address.
00:07:28The guy picks us up.
00:07:30Nothing funny about that.
00:07:32Nothing to pin it to us.
00:07:34It's almost too perfect.
00:07:35Leo.
00:07:39Yeah?
00:07:39I was saying we have to call the pizza guy from inside.
00:07:41I heard you.
00:07:44Hear that?
00:07:51What was that?
00:07:52Don't move.
00:07:54It's an alarm.
00:07:56Shit!
00:07:57I didn't know about the alarm.
00:07:59It's okay.
00:08:00Just there might be motion detectors.
00:08:02Like lasers?
00:08:03Maybe.
00:08:04Or infrared.
00:08:07You know, everything gives off infrared heat, even ice.
00:08:09That's fucking fascinating.
00:08:11Do you know what you're doing there?
00:08:12Yeah.
00:08:14I'm getting it.
00:08:15What does that mean, you're getting it?
00:08:17I've established a pattern,
00:08:19and I'm working within the confines of that pattern
00:08:22to decipher the...
00:08:24Incorrect.
00:08:25System armed.
00:08:27Armed?
00:08:28You just armed it?
00:08:29So now we have to break out of the house that we just broke into?
00:08:34I mean, if anything, it proves that the pattern was right.
00:08:36I just went in the wrong direction with it.
00:08:38Right?
00:08:40If I reverse it...
00:08:41No, don't touch it!
00:08:42It's fucking armed.
00:08:44I know.
00:08:44I'm going to unarm it.
00:08:45No, you're not.
00:08:46You're going to set it off,
00:08:47and then the guard's going to be here in six seconds.
00:08:49Cops are going to be right behind him,
00:08:51and then we're going to be stuck here with nowhere to go
00:08:53because we're in the middle of a giant gate fenced-in cage.
00:08:58Okay, yeah, it's not ideal.
00:09:01But it's not a problem.
00:09:03There's a code,
00:09:05and it's written down somewhere in this house.
00:09:07Maybe on their computer in an email from the security company
00:09:10or something like that.
00:09:12We just take our time,
00:09:14find the code while we rob the place,
00:09:16and then skedaddle.
00:09:19Clean and easy.
00:09:20What about the motion detectors?
00:09:34No motion detectors.
00:09:44Good find.
00:09:46Huh?
00:09:48This place is swanky.
00:09:50It's okay.
00:09:53Okay?
00:09:54Look at this.
00:09:57What is it?
00:09:58This is art.
00:10:00They have art hanging on the walls.
00:10:02That's some ritzy people's shit.
00:10:04We're going to score you doing this job.
00:10:16What are you doing?
00:10:17Stealing this.
00:10:18It looks expensive.
00:10:19We're not going to steal a bowl.
00:10:21We need small things that we can fit in our bags.
00:10:24Or in a pizza box, right?
00:10:26We can put a painting in here.
00:10:28Let's eat this fast so the box doesn't get all sweaty.
00:10:31Here.
00:10:31What the fuck?
00:10:36What?
00:10:36You just ruined that rug.
00:10:38Look at that.
00:10:39Show some respect.
00:10:41We are robbing this place.
00:10:43We don't have to rub their faces in it.
00:10:45I mean, shit.
00:10:48It's a nice rug.
00:10:51Okay.
00:10:51I don't know.
00:10:52I'm sorry.
00:10:52I don't know what's going on right now.
00:11:01Yeah, it's ruined.
00:11:02Bingo.
00:11:15What?
00:11:16Office.
00:11:17Where would you keep a code?
00:11:19I don't know.
00:11:19I don't have an office.
00:11:21A computer.
00:11:24Maybe it's in a drawer or something.
00:11:26Hey, why don't we just go out the window?
00:11:28No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:11:31Censor.
00:11:31My sister has one of these get-ups at her house.
00:11:34Trying to smoke a little weed at the end of a stressful day with the family.
00:11:38Suddenly, the little damn neighborhood's awake and they have questions about your life's decisions.
00:11:45Oh.
00:11:46Where are you going?
00:11:4711-11.
00:11:48No, come on.
00:11:49We have to find a...
00:11:54Hand me that phone.
00:11:56You can't just skip this one?
00:11:57It takes a minute.
00:12:00It's 11-11.
00:12:01Time for the impossible question.
00:12:03You guys know the deal, but it's fun to say it.
00:12:05$104,800.
00:12:07That's what we're up to.
00:12:08It's been 524 days since a good soul has won.
00:12:12Twice a day, every day at 11-11, we pose the impossible question.
00:12:16And the generous folks at black bear markets add another $100 to the kitty.
00:12:20You call with a correct answer within 22 seconds and you win it all.
00:12:25It would be so simple.
00:12:26If it weren't impossible.
00:12:32So phone's ready.
00:12:34Here it comes.
00:12:36What the fuck?
00:12:37Shh.
00:12:37What were the last words of the first man to commit suicide by jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge?
00:12:46Oh, come on.
00:12:48That's just...
00:12:48Oh, wait.
00:12:49You don't want to hear the answer?
00:12:50Some asshole is going to win and then the next day I'm going to know the answer and then only win $100.
00:12:55$100 damn dollars.
00:12:57I believe I'd take to a clock tower.
00:13:00Wonder how cold that water is.
00:13:03Huh?
00:13:03Those would be cool last words.
00:13:05You say, I wonder how cold that water is.
00:13:09And then...
00:13:09Come on.
00:13:13Let's rob this place.
00:13:14Let's go.
00:13:15Let's go.
00:13:32Let's go.
00:13:33Who the fuck is that?
00:14:00I don't know.
00:14:00You said no one was here.
00:14:01She's not the person who lives here.
00:14:02How do you know?
00:14:04Because I did my research.
00:14:05Then why wasn't she in your research?
00:14:06She doesn't leave here.
00:14:08Who the fuck is that?
00:14:09I don't know.
00:14:10Fuck.
00:14:12We gotta cut bait.
00:14:14Just get out of here.
00:14:15Out of where?
00:14:16Out of the house.
00:14:16Just go.
00:14:17Problem solved.
00:14:18We can't.
00:14:19The alarm.
00:14:21Ah.
00:14:23We take a chair and we shove it under the doorknob.
00:14:26And then what?
00:14:27She's stuck.
00:14:28So she'll call for help.
00:14:30Like on the phone or out the window?
00:14:32What does that matter?
00:14:34Okay.
00:14:36Ah.
00:14:38Hmm.
00:14:39We have to tie her up.
00:14:41What?
00:14:43Look, we need time.
00:14:45We don't have time if she finds us.
00:14:48If she wakes up, she's going to find us.
00:14:51So, we have to tie her up.
00:14:54Here we go.
00:15:08Yeah, okay.
00:15:20We'll use that.
00:15:21What about our faces?
00:15:23She can't see our faces.
00:15:24Okay, we wrap her in the sheet and just take the shit out of her.
00:15:31Why are we wrapping her in the sheet?
00:15:32It's duct tape, man.
00:15:34So?
00:15:34So it's going to rip her fucking skin off.
00:15:36We're burglars, not assholes.
00:15:38Fine.
00:15:39You go high, I go low.
00:15:40Sorry.
00:15:44Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:15:46Sorry, sorry.
00:15:47Shut up.
00:15:48Help.
00:15:49It's okay.
00:15:50We're just taping you.
00:15:51Help.
00:15:52Shut up.
00:15:53No one can hear you.
00:15:54Don't be a dick about it.
00:15:55But he's right.
00:15:56No one can hear you.
00:16:00You good?
00:16:01Yeah.
00:16:04What the hell?
00:16:06Ah, my leg.
00:16:07What?
00:16:07You take my leg.
00:16:08Cut me loose.
00:16:09Okay.
00:16:10Would you hold still?
00:16:11I'm not doing anything.
00:16:13He's...
00:16:13I'm trying to kick free.
00:16:14You can't kick free.
00:16:15I have to cut.
00:16:17Yeah.
00:16:17Ha-ha.
00:16:18Don't hurt me.
00:16:19Don't hurt me.
00:16:20What?
00:16:20Oh, we're not going to hurt you.
00:16:22We're just going to steal some stuff and then we're going to...
00:16:25Oh, shit.
00:16:26What?
00:16:27My mask.
00:16:27I told you not to hog the saran wrap.
00:16:29I didn't see anything.
00:16:30Look at yours.
00:16:31Still on.
00:16:31I didn't hog it.
00:16:32It just wasn't enough to go around my...
00:16:34Oh, shit.
00:16:35You're wrapping your head like you're shipping it overseas.
00:16:37I didn't see your face.
00:16:38Just take whatever you want.
00:16:39I don't care.
00:16:40I'm just a house sitter.
00:16:41Yes, you did see my face.
00:16:42You were looking right at me.
00:16:43I don't remember.
00:16:43Just vaguely Chinese.
00:16:44That's all.
00:16:45Chinese?
00:16:46Dude!
00:16:47Turn around, Doug!
00:16:50Whatever you're looking for, it's all in a secret hiding spot.
00:16:53I know that.
00:16:54All the valuables.
00:16:55A computer.
00:16:57Just everything.
00:17:00Where?
00:17:01I don't know.
00:17:02I just heard them talking.
00:17:04Okay.
00:17:05You stay here.
00:17:07Let's go.
00:17:07We should put her back on the bed.
00:17:09I'm fine.
00:17:10She's fine.
00:17:11No, come on.
00:17:11It's...
00:17:12We might be a while.
00:17:13Really, I'm fine.
00:17:15What's your name?
00:17:17Darcy.
00:17:18Darcy, there's really no reason for you to be uncomfortable.
00:17:22Come on.
00:17:23Jesus Christ.
00:17:25Good?
00:17:31Yeah.
00:17:33Shout if you need anything.
00:17:34But be fucking quiet about it.
00:17:42What are you, the concierge?
00:17:44She saw my face.
00:17:45She can identify me, so I want her to feel as good as she possibly can about this whole experience.
00:17:50Why are you calling me by my middle name in there?
00:17:53You know how much I hate that.
00:17:54What are you talking about?
00:17:56You called me Doug.
00:17:57I didn't know that was your middle name.
00:17:59Yes, you did.
00:18:00I told you that...
00:18:03Wait.
00:18:03Okay, now that I look at it, I may have over applied.
00:18:29So, we have a hostage now.
00:18:39Yeah, I know.
00:18:40It is not ideal, her being here.
00:18:44No, it's not ideal.
00:18:46No.
00:18:47It is a problem.
00:18:49But she solves our two other problems.
00:18:51How?
00:18:52She knows the code.
00:18:54That's true.
00:18:55And we know all the great stuff is at a secret hiding spot we wouldn't be looking for otherwise.
00:19:01So, all we have to do is find the spot, steal the stuff, get the code, and order our pizza.
00:19:10We can do that.
00:19:11Hell, yes, we can do that.
00:19:34What are you doing?
00:19:35I could be one of those Scooby-Doo deals, or the whole thing.
00:19:39You know.
00:19:39This is too much stuff.
00:20:03I'll start over here.
00:20:04I'll start over here.
00:20:09Why in the hell would someone keep a box of blankets in the garage?
00:20:34What's the practical use in that?
00:20:35You're in bed, you're cold, you come out to the even colder garage to get a blanket?
00:20:41I don't know.
00:20:42I know you don't know.
00:20:43Because you wouldn't do that.
00:20:45Because it's a stupid thing to do.
00:20:47That's the 1% in action right there.
00:20:51This is why our country's in the shitter.
00:20:58Hey, now.
00:21:01That's not a secret hiding spot.
00:21:03Ah.
00:21:05No, it's locked.
00:21:08Exactly.
00:21:09Because there's valuable stuff in here.
00:21:12Oh, no.
00:21:14What?
00:21:15You're going to break everything inside.
00:21:16But it's locked.
00:21:18So we'll find the key.
00:21:22We just found this.
00:21:24Perfect.
00:21:25So we're on a roll.
00:21:26This house is just too damn big.
00:21:36That's the real problem.
00:21:37Yeah, if you're robbing it.
00:21:39But if you're living here, it's probably pretty nice.
00:21:41It's ostentatious.
00:21:43I mean, if they were just a little more humble, we wouldn't have so many rooms to look through.
00:21:47I mean, what is this?
00:21:49The fucking parlor room or conservatory?
00:21:52It's like Clue.
00:22:10Niagara Falls.
00:22:11Yeah.
00:22:13Did you know Niagara Falls is actually three different falls?
00:22:15Horseshoe Falls, Bridal Veil.
00:22:17Did you move anything here?
00:22:19What?
00:22:20Was there any other stuff?
00:22:22No, I just turned it on.
00:22:26Did you put it there, though?
00:22:28In the center, like that?
00:22:31No, it was just there.
00:22:33By itself?
00:22:34Yeah.
00:22:36And then I turned it on.
00:22:37What's your deal?
00:22:38What are you doing?
00:22:54I'm taking this.
00:22:54We haven't found shit.
00:22:55This fits in my bag.
00:22:56It's got to be worth something.
00:22:57It's just a lamp.
00:22:59Yeah, but it's old and cool.
00:23:01You've seen those shows where people find weird stuff and it turns out to be worth a bundle?
00:23:05I saw this one where this guy had an old spittoon.
00:23:09Turned out to belong to some famous cowboy or something.
00:23:14$100,000.
00:23:16Cowboys didn't have lamps.
00:23:17It doesn't have to be a cowboy.
00:23:19That's not the important part.
00:23:20It's just that generally old things are, you know, can be, um...
00:23:25I don't know all the specific rules.
00:23:27But this is old and funky and you never know.
00:23:31Oh, I do.
00:23:32I'm telling you, it's worth a couple hundred bucks.
00:23:37Maybe three by now.
00:23:38Maybe.
00:23:39Well, we'll see.
00:23:40It is.
00:23:42You say.
00:23:43I don't say.
00:23:44I know.
00:23:45How?
00:23:55Because I bought it.
00:23:58Do you have one of these?
00:23:59I haven't seen it.
00:24:00No, this one.
00:24:02I bought it.
00:24:04And we can't take it.
00:24:13Why would a lamp that you bought be in a house that we're robbing?
00:24:22Whose house is this?
00:24:23Jessica's.
00:24:28Oh, you have got to let it go!
00:24:36Oh!
00:24:41So what, you've been stalking her?
00:24:42No.
00:24:43But you know where she lives.
00:24:45Well, that's just Facebook.
00:24:47You're still Facebook friends with her?
00:24:49So you've just been stalking her online.
00:24:51That's not stalking.
00:24:52That's what Facebook is for.
00:24:55How did you know where the key was?
00:24:57We used to live together.
00:24:59She loves to hide a rock.
00:25:00She used to give it to everyone.
00:25:02Every housewarming gift ever.
00:25:05Hide a rock.
00:25:05She thinks it's the height of human innovation.
00:25:10So what exactly was your plan here?
00:25:13To rob the place.
00:25:15Why?
00:25:16Why?
00:25:18We've been talking about it forever.
00:25:21So I found a good place.
00:25:23No, you found a terrible place.
00:25:24I wanted to rob someplace cool,
00:25:26not your ex-fiancรฉ's new fiancรฉ's house.
00:25:29It's a good place.
00:25:31There's jewelry.
00:25:36Diamonds.
00:25:38Diamonds.
00:25:39She has diamonds.
00:25:41A diamond, for sure.
00:25:43Wait, are we just here to steal back your engagement ring?
00:25:46She shouldn't have kept it.
00:25:47Holy shit.
00:25:48She shouldn't have, and she knows it.
00:25:49Why did you just ask for it back?
00:25:51There was a lot going on.
00:25:53We both wanted the Cuisinart
00:25:54to get a big argument about
00:25:56who put down the security deposit.
00:25:58You've got to be kidding me.
00:26:00Neither of us even thought about the ring.
00:26:02And then I did.
00:26:04And then I thought,
00:26:06well, if I realize it,
00:26:07then she realizes it,
00:26:08and she'll bring it back soon.
00:26:11And then she didn't.
00:26:13And then I thought,
00:26:15well, maybe that means something.
00:26:17Maybe she's not ready to let go.
00:26:20And then she got engaged.
00:26:27And then...
00:26:29that was the last straw.
00:26:34This is the saddest heist
00:26:36in the long-storied history of crime.
00:26:37No, it's not.
00:26:38It's the perfect crime.
00:26:40I get my ring back.
00:26:41You get to steal his stupid rich guy stuff.
00:26:43Except that.
00:26:44That's not his.
00:26:45That's hers.
00:26:46I gave that to her.
00:26:47Even better.
00:26:47You get it back, too.
00:26:48No, look.
00:26:50She kept it.
00:26:51Here.
00:26:52In her house.
00:26:53With her fiancรฉ.
00:26:55On a table.
00:26:56All by itself.
00:26:58Don't you see?
00:27:00I'm still here.
00:27:03She still has a thing for me.
00:27:05She doesn't have a thing for you.
00:27:07She has a thing for this thing.
00:27:09This thing is nice.
00:27:10I'm nice.
00:27:12She's engaged to another guy.
00:27:14She can still change her mind.
00:27:16I know this.
00:27:20So she kept your ring.
00:27:22And she kept your lamp.
00:27:24So she's going to get back together with you?
00:27:26Maybe.
00:27:28Maybe.
00:27:31What about the girl up there?
00:27:33Who?
00:27:34The girl we just taped up.
00:27:36The house sitter.
00:27:38I don't know.
00:27:38What about her?
00:27:39She's a friend.
00:27:41And she's seen your face.
00:27:43So you and Jessica are going to get back together.
00:27:46And you're going to run into her.
00:27:47And she's going to be like,
00:27:48Oh, do you know Leo?
00:27:50Oh, yeah.
00:27:51He tied me up in your bedroom that one time.
00:27:56Guys?
00:27:58She's not the quiet type.
00:28:01Hey, guys?
00:28:03Come on.
00:28:07Guys!
00:28:08That's not quiet shouting.
00:28:10That's regular, loud shouting.
00:28:13Sorry, I really have to go to the bathroom.
00:28:17Could you stop it?
00:28:19Does it look okay?
00:28:21It's fine.
00:28:22Okay.
00:28:24She has to go to the bathroom.
00:28:26How bad?
00:28:27Pretty bad.
00:28:27Okay, let's tear a little hole in the sheet around her.
00:28:33I'm not doing that.
00:28:34That's super rapey.
00:28:35It's not rapey.
00:28:37It's we're being courteous.
00:28:40Okay.
00:28:40You have to go to the bathroom.
00:28:42That's no one's fault.
00:28:44We appreciate that you didn't soil the bed.
00:28:47That shows a lot of respect.
00:28:48Not towards us specifically, but just, you know, general respect towards humankind and societal norms.
00:28:58So that's a good trust-building move.
00:29:00Am I right?
00:29:01Sure.
00:29:02Okay.
00:29:02So, you showed some respect.
00:29:06We will do likewise and untape you, okay?
00:29:10Yes, please.
00:29:11But just to go to the bathroom.
00:29:13That's it.
00:29:14So you can tend to your needs.
00:29:16Then, we'll tape you back up.
00:29:19I understand.
00:29:22Okay.
00:29:24Doug, let's...
00:29:25Let's...
00:29:27Oh, it's tearing the sheet a little here.
00:29:34See?
00:29:36Sheets were my idea.
00:29:37Didn't want to tear up your skin.
00:29:41It was nothing.
00:29:43Anyone would have...
00:29:44I mean, he didn't.
00:29:45Hey!
00:29:45But really, anyone.
00:29:47Whoa!
00:29:48What?
00:29:49I'm not dressed.
00:29:50You're not undressed.
00:29:52You're wearing underwear.
00:29:53Well, still, that's not the...
00:29:54We've already seen you.
00:29:55Well, I'd prefer that you did not see me again.
00:29:58I don't know if this helps,
00:30:00but you really shouldn't have any body shame.
00:30:03What?
00:30:04I'm just saying your overall fitness seems high.
00:30:07Whatever work you're doing is really paying off.
00:30:10You should be super proud of the...
00:30:12Okay!
00:30:13...results.
00:30:13That's enough.
00:30:16You're in your underwear.
00:30:17You have to go to the bathroom.
00:30:19Those are just two facts.
00:30:20Deal with them.
00:30:21We don't care.
00:30:23We're not perverts.
00:30:24We're thieves.
00:30:25Okay?
00:30:26Now, let's go.
00:30:37There's a window, so we're going in with you.
00:30:40Why?
00:30:41So you don't run away.
00:30:43I'm not going to run away.
00:30:44I'm in my underwear.
00:30:44Who cares?
00:30:45Cindy Birdsong jumped out of a moving vehicle
00:30:47on the Long Beach Freeway to avoid capture.
00:30:50A little panty dash is nothing.
00:30:51Who is Cindy Birdsong?
00:30:52One of the Supremes.
00:30:54Why do you know that?
00:30:54Because I'm an educated person.
00:30:57Come on.
00:30:58Both of you?
00:31:00Fine.
00:31:01I'll go.
00:31:02Okay, because I have to go number two.
00:31:05Fine.
00:31:06I'll flip for it.
00:31:07Heads.
00:31:08You can have a little bit of dignity, anyhow.
00:31:24Let's see what else.
00:31:33That'll help a little, but you've got to give me the mercy flush.
00:31:38What?
00:31:39Just as soon as it, you know, hits the water, just get rid of it.
00:31:44Flush it.
00:31:44Now, it's not the time for water conservation.
00:31:49Okay.
00:31:50Let's see.
00:31:51She normally has a lavender.
00:31:56People have lavender spray.
00:31:59So, you do that, and I'll use these.
00:32:05And that'll mask any of, maybe turn on the shower.
00:32:13Why?
00:32:15Just to cover up any noises.
00:32:22Okay.
00:32:24Good.
00:32:26Do you feel good?
00:32:27Yeah.
00:32:28Okay.
00:32:29Um.
00:32:31Then get to it, I guess.
00:32:34My name's not Doug, just so you know.
00:32:46Doesn't matter what my real name is, I just don't like Doug.
00:32:51Don't want you thinking of me as a Doug.
00:32:57We actually probably have stuff in common.
00:33:01Friends, maybe, even, like, the point is, it's a small world.
00:33:11That's all I'm saying.
00:33:16Hey, the system's working well, though, isn't it?
00:33:19I haven't, I wouldn't even know.
00:33:21Yeah.
00:33:25You guys okay in there?
00:33:28Arlan.
00:33:29Arlan.
00:33:31Stay there.
00:33:33Don't hurt him.
00:33:33You fuckers are letting me go.
00:33:35Okay, yes, just stay calm.
00:33:36I am calm.
00:33:37I will calmly choke your friend to death.
00:33:40No, no, no, don't, no, look, look, he's fading.
00:33:42He's just, just let us out, and then we'll go away.
00:33:45It'll be like, this never happened.
00:33:46Okay, all right, just let me go.
00:33:48Okay, yes, just let us out.
00:33:50Okay.
00:33:51Wait, what?
00:33:52Let you out?
00:33:52What are you talking about?
00:33:53The alarm.
00:33:54Just let us out, and we'll be fucking gone.
00:33:56The alarm's off.
00:33:57No, we armed it.
00:33:58It was an accident, so just type in the code, and we'll be gone, and that's that.
00:34:02I swear.
00:34:05Come on, come on, come on.
00:34:07Oh, I saw, I saw clouds.
00:34:09People made of clouds, and they were gone.
00:34:12It's okay.
00:34:13It's okay.
00:34:13You're all right.
00:34:14You're all right.
00:34:14We're getting out of here.
00:34:16You armed it?
00:34:17I was establishing a pattern.
00:34:23What's wrong?
00:34:25I don't know the code.
00:34:27Why not?
00:34:31I'm not the house sitter.
00:34:38Why would a pet need a taxi?
00:34:40It's a thing, okay?
00:34:41People want to get their dogs to the groomers, or off to the kennel before they go away.
00:34:46One percenters, man.
00:34:47Yeah.
00:34:48They will throw down for their pets.
00:34:50It's crazy.
00:34:51I don't mean that like a figure of speech.
00:34:52I mean like...
00:34:53I've seen a dog with a collar that cost 500 bucks.
00:34:57Can you believe that shit?
00:34:59500 American for a dog collar.
00:35:03So you pick up the dog and take it to the kennel.
00:35:05Why would they give you a key?
00:35:07They didn't.
00:35:08Hide a rock?
00:35:10What?
00:35:11How did you get in?
00:35:12I picked the lock.
00:35:15You okay?
00:35:18Sorry, it's just...
00:35:20It's really cool.
00:35:25What's your deal?
00:35:28She has a dog.
00:35:31I've always wanted a dog, but she wouldn't let us.
00:35:34Now, fucking dog?
00:35:37Wait.
00:35:39Do you guys know these people?
00:35:40His ex-fiance.
00:35:41Shut up.
00:35:42That is crazier than a $500 dog collar.
00:35:48No, it's not.
00:35:50I'm just here to get back my engagement ring.
00:35:52Wait, she kept the ring?
00:35:55What a cunt.
00:35:56Hey, whoa, no.
00:35:58She is not a cunt.
00:35:59Are you sure about that?
00:36:00Because that's a straight up cunt move.
00:36:02Yes, I'm sure.
00:36:04Pretty sure.
00:36:05Okay, so don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not really getting a master cat burglar vibe from you guys.
00:36:11You don't know us.
00:36:13I know that you turned on the security system somehow.
00:36:17I was establishing a pattern.
00:36:20How did you know it wasn't armed in the first place, huh?
00:36:22You just waltz in, pick the lock.
00:36:24That's reckless.
00:36:25Because I saw them not arm it.
00:36:28I came to pick up the dog.
00:36:29They were hustling about.
00:36:31He was like, uh, do you need to put anything in the spot?
00:36:33And she was like, um, my laptop.
00:36:35And then he was like, uh, it's already in there.
00:36:37And then they left, locked the door, no alarm.
00:36:40Something I look for.
00:36:43Something you look for?
00:36:44Yeah.
00:36:45Why?
00:36:46So I don't get arrested.
00:36:48Wait, this is like a thing you do?
00:36:51Yeah.
00:36:52I mean, they're gone.
00:36:53My apartment's a dump.
00:36:54And they've got laundry and HBO.
00:36:57It's like a fucking resort in these places.
00:37:01Relaxing.
00:37:08Until now.
00:37:09Now it's all stressful.
00:37:11Now I need a drink.
00:37:13Where are you going?
00:37:15Wine.
00:37:15Wait, uh, we need to figure out how we're going to get out.
00:37:18Okay, they're not going to be home for a couple of days.
00:37:20I believe I have time for a glass of wine.
00:37:24In the old days, that alarm code, it would have been our anniversary.
00:37:33Did you guys have an alarm in that shitty apartment?
00:37:35God, no.
00:37:36But she used our anniversary for everything.
00:37:39It was her pin number, her bank password.
00:37:41If we hadn't broken up, I could have gotten us out of here.
00:37:46If you hadn't broken up, we wouldn't be here.
00:37:48Even better.
00:37:50It's like she's still finding new ways to hurt me.
00:37:54What are you looking for?
00:37:55The dusty ones.
00:37:57They've been keeping those the longest, so that means they're good.
00:38:01Then you just pack out the bottle.
00:38:03They assume that they drank it and forgot.
00:38:05I mean, that's the beauty of booze.
00:38:06Makes things fuzzy.
00:38:10What'd you get?
00:38:12Zinfandel.
00:38:12Ah, Primitivo.
00:38:14That's its other name.
00:38:15You learn.
00:38:20Sangiovese.
00:38:21Sangiovese.
00:38:22Blood of Jove.
00:38:24It's the only grape named after a god.
00:38:28That's good.
00:38:29Come on, let us go be gods.
00:38:40I stole money from the collection plate at church.
00:38:43I told a guy that I was pregnant and let him believe it for three days.
00:38:49I kissed my stepmom.
00:38:52She was asleep.
00:38:54Did she wake up?
00:38:55Yeah.
00:38:57Okay, you win.
00:38:59Do I, though?
00:38:59No.
00:39:02Oh!
00:39:03Hey!
00:39:06Mmm.
00:39:07Mmm.
00:39:09This is tasty.
00:39:10Which?
00:39:11Ah, le poufle puff.
00:39:12The, uh, French.
00:39:13Oh, uh, sorry.
00:39:18What's your name?
00:39:19Marlon.
00:39:20Marlon.
00:39:21It's the other one.
00:39:23Wait, Marlon?
00:39:24Yeah.
00:39:25Like the fish?
00:39:26No, like Marlon Brando.
00:39:28Oh.
00:39:29That's funny.
00:39:30I never think of the fish with him.
00:39:32I guess because it's never just Marlon.
00:39:33It's Marlon Brando.
00:39:36What's your last name?
00:39:38It's, uh...
00:39:38Don't tell her your last name.
00:39:40You shouldn't have told her your first name.
00:39:42I told you mine.
00:39:43Did you?
00:39:44Yes, it's Darcy.
00:39:45Is it?
00:39:46The fuck, dude?
00:39:47Yes.
00:39:48Why would I lie about that?
00:39:49Because you're a liar.
00:39:50Because you break into people's houses.
00:39:52That's not trustworthy behavior.
00:39:54You guys broke in.
00:39:55No, we used the key.
00:39:58You're robbing the place.
00:39:59Not yet.
00:40:00We haven't taken anything yet.
00:40:02Clearly you intend to.
00:40:04You're going to take that lamp.
00:40:05You've been carrying it around with you from room to room.
00:40:07It's as good as gone.
00:40:08No, we're not taking it.
00:40:10I'm carrying it around to keep him from taking it,
00:40:12so that just goes to show what you know.
00:40:18Did you know Niagara Falls is actually three separate falls?
00:40:21Bridal Veil.
00:40:22Stop it.
00:40:23Jesus.
00:40:24You lug around for all this useless trivia.
00:40:27And for what?
00:40:28Hold on.
00:40:29At least I know real stuff.
00:40:31You're the world's leading expert
00:40:33and a woman that doesn't even love you anymore.
00:40:35So when are you going to put that to good use?
00:40:37When we're back together.
00:40:38Pfft.
00:40:42It's a cool lamp, though.
00:40:47Yeah.
00:40:50Have you ever been?
00:40:52Niagara Falls?
00:40:54It's a lot of water.
00:40:58An impossible amount of water.
00:41:00It's inevitable.
00:41:02It just keeps coming and coming.
00:41:07And the noise.
00:41:09It...
00:41:10You don't even hear it.
00:41:15It's not like something else anymore.
00:41:20It's just...
00:41:23It's the only thing there is.
00:41:32It's terrifying.
00:41:33It's terrifying.
00:41:33And someone holds your hand.
00:41:45And your skin...
00:41:47And the air...
00:41:50And this noise...
00:41:54It's everything.
00:41:58You know everything.
00:42:03You've got it all in your hand.
00:42:13It's the happiest we ever were.
00:42:15And she's kept me here.
00:42:21With her.
00:42:22You see?
00:42:24So I'm staying.
00:42:29The lamp stays.
00:42:30I'm going to look for that key.
00:42:44I'm going to look for that key.
00:42:44So I'm...
00:42:45I'm going to look for that key.
00:42:49Oh my God.
00:42:50Oh my God.
00:42:54I'm going to look for that key.
00:42:54You're all in my hand.
00:42:54You're all in my hand.
00:42:55You're all in my hand.
00:42:56You're all in my hand.
00:42:56Marlon Jackson. The Jackson Five.
00:43:02That's, uh, not.
00:43:05Michael, Jermaine, Tito, Jackie.
00:43:09Michael, Jermaine, Tito, Jackie.
00:43:13Marlon.
00:43:19You should never tell anybody that ever again.
00:43:26We all know what we already know.
00:43:43We all know what we already know.
00:43:50We all know what we already know.
00:44:00We all know what we already know.
00:44:12We all know what we already know.
00:44:18Hey, hey.
00:44:19Hey, hey.
00:44:24Hey, hey, hey.
00:44:33We all know what we already know.
00:44:40Hey.
00:44:41Hey, hey.
00:44:47I was just trying it on.
00:45:01What?
00:45:02What?
00:45:04It's nice. I...
00:45:06It's just...
00:45:08Is it Jessica's?
00:45:10I don't care.
00:45:12You should take it.
00:45:14Looks nice on you.
00:45:20Did you find anything?
00:45:22No.
00:45:24I just thought
00:45:26five years we were together,
00:45:28maybe there'd be one picture of me.
00:45:32Maybe he's the jealous type.
00:45:34I mean, dudes don't really want to see photos of ex-boyfriends
00:45:36lying around.
00:45:38Ex-fiance. Even worse.
00:45:42She's pretty.
00:45:46Look at this guy.
00:45:48His face is too big
00:45:50for his head.
00:45:52So yeah, he definitely doesn't
00:45:54want to see photos of you.
00:45:58That's the kind of guy who names his dog Fido.
00:46:02What?
00:46:04Yeah, they named their dog Fido.
00:46:06No shit.
00:46:08Like straight out of a comic book or something.
00:46:10That was my name.
00:46:12Wait, so it's not Doug?
00:46:14That's what I was gonna name our dog.
00:46:16She wouldn't let us get. I always told her.
00:46:18Wouldn't that be funny?
00:46:20It's like, everyone thinks of that as a dog's name,
00:46:22but no one actually names their dog that.
00:46:24Here, Fido.
00:46:26I'm curious.
00:46:30It'd be a unique cliche.
00:46:32In canine form.
00:46:34See?
00:46:36You get it.
00:46:38You get it.
00:46:40You get it.
00:47:02Hello, beautiful.
00:47:04That motherfucker's got a dog named Fido,
00:47:06and he doesn't even know why.
00:47:08Dumb shit.
00:47:09Yeah.
00:47:10Oh, maybe you don't have any pictures of me in your house,
00:47:12but you're running around saying,
00:47:14here, Fido. Come, Fido.
00:47:16Might as well be balls deep in your old lady, man.
00:47:20He's your cuckold.
00:47:22What's that?
00:47:23It's where one guy watches the other guy have sex with his girl
00:47:26and likes it.
00:47:28That's a thing?
00:47:29Yeah.
00:47:30Ugh.
00:47:31Mmm.
00:47:32Don't judge.
00:47:33It's too easy.
00:47:34You know,
00:47:35you find something that makes you feel good,
00:47:37that's hard to come by.
00:47:42When you choked me.
00:47:44Yeah, I'm sorry about that.
00:47:46I was just...
00:47:47It's okay.
00:47:48I just, um...
00:47:54Right at the end there,
00:47:57just as I was starting to black out.
00:48:04It was the most euphoric thing I've ever felt in my life.
00:48:27God damn.
00:48:28You found the computer.
00:48:29I did.
00:48:34Why are you wearing a robe?
00:48:35You found the computer.
00:48:52I did.
00:48:53Why are you wearing a robe?
00:48:56Because Jessica's fiance has terrible toilet aim.
00:48:59I can't find the code, by the way.
00:49:01I've been looking for hours.
00:49:03I found a lot of other stuff, but no alarm code.
00:49:09What have you been up to?
00:49:11Fell asleep.
00:49:13The wine.
00:49:14You know, is this all the jewelry you found?
00:49:17Why, do you want to add it to the jewelry you found?
00:49:20No, it's just, um, my ring's not here.
00:49:24Maybe she got rid of it.
00:49:27What's that mean?
00:49:28You know, sold it, gave it away, threw it in the ocean.
00:49:32Why, why, what's this?
00:49:40Diary.
00:49:41Jessica's?
00:49:42Yeah.
00:49:44How do you know?
00:49:45Did you read it?
00:49:46I'm looking for the code.
00:49:50Morning.
00:49:52Morning.
00:49:52Anyone want breakfast?
00:49:54I'm buying.
00:49:55I'm not in here at all.
00:50:00I noticed that.
00:50:03I mean, I didn't expect to be on every page, but maybe one mention would be nice.
00:50:07Oh, I thought of Leo today.
00:50:09In passing.
00:50:10He's a person that I remember.
00:50:14Yep.
00:50:15Some people just aren't much for history.
00:50:18Hold on.
00:50:20There's got to be at least one.
00:50:21One.
00:50:21You look stressed.
00:50:27You want some tomato juice?
00:50:28Yeah.
00:50:30Did I tell you that?
00:50:31Tell me what?
00:50:32That tomato juice calms me down.
00:50:35Come on, man.
00:50:38Oh.
00:50:401111.
00:50:40$104,900.
00:50:49That's what we're up to.
00:50:50It's been 525 days since our last winner.
00:50:54Twice a day, every day at 1111.
00:50:56We pose the impossible question.
00:50:58And the good, kind folks at Black Bear Market.
00:51:01Add another $100 to the kitty.
00:51:03Call with the answer within 22 seconds, and that kitty's all yours.
00:51:07It would be so simple, if it weren't impossible.
00:51:11So, phones at the ready, here it comes.
00:51:15Other than Elvis Presley, who outlived it?
00:51:18Turn it off!
00:51:20Turn it off!
00:51:21Turn it off!
00:51:22What the fuck?
00:51:23What the fuck is wrong with you people?
00:51:2610 seconds left.
00:51:27Other than Elvis Presley, who outlived his twin brother at childbirth,
00:51:31and went on to have four number one singles in one calendar year?
00:51:35Marlon Jackson.
00:51:35It's Marlon Jackson!
00:51:37It's ringing!
00:51:42And time's up!
00:51:44Fuck!
00:51:45Oh!
00:51:46The answer?
00:51:47Marlon Jackson of the Jackson 5.
00:51:50Oh, shit!
00:51:52Marlon's twin brother, Brandon, died at childbirth,
00:51:54and the Jackson 5 had four number one hits in 1970.
00:51:57I want you back, ABC, the love you say,
00:52:01and I'll be there.
00:52:03They're coming home.
00:52:07They're coming home.
00:52:13Where are they now?
00:52:14I don't know.
00:52:15She posted this an hour ago.
00:52:16Headed home early.
00:52:18I wonder what happened.
00:52:19Who cares?
00:52:20Why are you creeping on her Facebook like that?
00:52:23I'm not cre...
00:52:24That's irrelevant to the situation, okay?
00:52:27They're coming home.
00:52:27They're coming home.
00:52:28Here, now.
00:52:30Where were they?
00:52:31I don't know.
00:52:32Hawaii.
00:52:33Creeper.
00:52:34Don't!
00:52:35All right.
00:52:36You're the creeper.
00:52:37Always breaking into houses, trying on people's lives,
00:52:41because you don't like your own.
00:52:43My life is fine.
00:52:45I just do it for the thrill.
00:52:49Well, I had a real life once,
00:52:52and it was pretty fucking thrilling.
00:52:57Okay.
00:52:58Look.
00:52:59Hawaii is a long flight.
00:53:01They have to get their baggage.
00:53:03There's the cab ride.
00:53:04We've got some time.
00:53:06To do what?
00:53:07We either get caught by her,
00:53:08or we trip the alarm and get caught by the cops.
00:53:10I choose the cops.
00:53:12Are you serious?
00:53:14If we get caught by her,
00:53:15she's going to call the cops.
00:53:16It all ends in cops.
00:53:18Not if we talk our way out of it.
00:53:19How am I going to talk my way out of it?
00:53:21She knows me, intimately.
00:53:23Oh, so am I like,
00:53:24hey, Jessica, what are you doing here?
00:53:26We're just trying to rob this place.
00:53:28Small world after all, huh?
00:53:30Okay, so we hide you,
00:53:31and the fish and I do the talking.
00:53:33Actually, she knows me, too.
00:53:38She hates me.
00:53:40Okay, so we hide both of you.
00:53:44Fine.
00:53:45So, say that you spin a real silver-tongued yarn,
00:53:48and they let you go.
00:53:50How do we get out?
00:53:53I don't care.
00:54:01She is not a good person.
00:54:02I mean, I know it's not easy to be a good person
00:54:05when times are tough,
00:54:06but that's how you know
00:54:07if you're a good person in the first place, you know?
00:54:11Yeah, I do.
00:54:13That, I used to say...
00:54:15I know exactly what you mean.
00:54:19Let's go make a plan.
00:54:22We dig.
00:54:23Under and out.
00:54:23I don't think we have that kind of time.
00:54:27Okay.
00:54:30We set a fire.
00:54:31Where?
00:54:32In the house.
00:54:33In the fireplace?
00:54:34No, we set the house on fire.
00:54:37Lots of smoke, confusion,
00:54:39and then we slip away under the cover of chaos.
00:54:43Or we die in a terrible house fire.
00:54:48Okay.
00:54:48Then same idea, no fire.
00:54:54What's a fireless fire?
00:54:55We just go.
00:54:57Trip the alarm and hide in the trees.
00:55:00Okay.
00:55:01Cops come, look around,
00:55:03think it's a false alarm,
00:55:04and then we get out of here.
00:55:07All right, that's progress,
00:55:08but we're still inside the gate.
00:55:10The whole community is fenced in.
00:55:13We're like zoo animals.
00:55:15So we just climb the fence.
00:55:19Okay, uh, if we can,
00:55:21that would put us
00:55:23inside another gated community.
00:55:27Ah, I,
00:55:28who are these people
00:55:30trying to protect themselves from?
00:55:32Each other?
00:55:33Are there marauding gangs
00:55:34of Volvo drivers
00:55:36we don't know about?
00:55:37You need the code.
00:55:39I've looked everywhere.
00:55:40Well, maybe it's in the garage,
00:55:42that lockbox.
00:55:42No.
00:55:44You found the key?
00:55:46No, it wasn't,
00:55:48um,
00:55:49with the other keys.
00:55:51I haven't seen it,
00:55:52so probably just,
00:55:52you know.
00:55:54Just what?
00:55:58Um,
00:55:59well,
00:56:02might as well look for it.
00:56:03It might be our only hope.
00:56:05Yeah.
00:56:06Okay.
00:56:07What are you doing?
00:56:15If we open the doors
00:56:16of the rooms we've already searched,
00:56:18then we know we've already been there.
00:56:19We're looking for a tiny key
00:56:21or a four-digit code.
00:56:22Do you think you searched
00:56:23these rooms well enough
00:56:24to just walk away?
00:56:24I'm working in broad strokes.
00:56:26Okay, fine.
00:56:27I don't...
00:56:28Oh, what the fuck?
00:56:31Watch the door.
00:56:32What the fuck is going on?
00:56:34Who did this?
00:56:35No, no, no, no.
00:56:35How did they get in here?
00:56:36No, no, no.
00:56:37What the fuck is going on here?
00:56:39Just leave it.
00:56:40Leave me.
00:56:40We're not gonna leave you.
00:56:41I'll be fine.
00:56:42Just worry about yourself.
00:56:43Who did this?
00:56:43How did they get in?
00:56:44Nobody.
00:56:45Who?
00:56:45How many?
00:56:46Nobody did it.
00:56:46There's nobody here.
00:56:48There's nobody here.
00:56:51No.
00:56:54Then who tied you up?
00:56:55I did.
00:57:03So you were just gonna
00:57:05sell us up the river.
00:57:07Don't get pissed off at me
00:57:08just because I had a plan.
00:57:09How'd you tie yourself up like that?
00:57:11That's not the point, Marlon.
00:57:12She picks locks.
00:57:14She ties herself up
00:57:14in elaborate knots.
00:57:16You don't find that
00:57:16a curious skill set
00:57:17for a dog walker?
00:57:18I'm not a dog walker.
00:57:20See?
00:57:20They show up.
00:57:21You're gagged and bound.
00:57:23So you're just a fellow victim
00:57:25of this senseless crime.
00:57:27You're the ones
00:57:27who locked us in.
00:57:28I'm just looking for a way out.
00:57:31Devious.
00:57:32Very, very devious.
00:57:34Why are your clothes off?
00:57:36Look, it was just one idea.
00:57:37Probably not the best one.
00:57:38Can we just move on?
00:57:40Why are they ripped?
00:57:41Again, the clock is ticking.
00:57:43Let's not waste time
00:57:43reliving past mistakes.
00:57:50If I needed to
00:57:51and only if they were not
00:57:53buying my story,
00:57:54I might have had to go
00:57:55with more of a
00:57:57kind of a sexual assault angle.
00:58:01What?
00:58:03Devious.
00:58:04Dirty little.
00:58:05Looking at it
00:58:06from your perspective,
00:58:07I can see how
00:58:08that was probably too far.
00:58:10Probably.
00:58:12Definitely.
00:58:13Definitely too far.
00:58:14And I'm so glad
00:58:15it didn't come to that.
00:58:16You know,
00:58:16there are always like
00:58:17a couple clunkers
00:58:18when you're brainstorming.
00:58:19What?
00:58:19We weren't brainstorming.
00:58:20You were setting us up
00:58:21for charges of kidnapping,
00:58:23assault and battery,
00:58:25and rape.
00:58:26And burglary.
00:58:27That doesn't concern me right now.
00:58:28Well, that's where
00:58:29we're back to.
00:58:30Burglary.
00:58:31I haven't taken anything,
00:58:32so breaking and entering,
00:58:35maybe.
00:58:36We didn't break anything.
00:58:37We used the key.
00:58:39We did stay in the rug,
00:58:40but that's not technically broken.
00:58:42The point is
00:58:42we're in trouble.
00:58:46But trouble
00:58:47is just an opportunity
00:58:48that got turned around.
00:58:49Am I right?
00:58:50Yeah.
00:58:51What kind of fortune cookie
00:58:52bullshit is that?
00:58:54That's not bullshit.
00:58:55That is solid,
00:58:57deep thinking.
00:58:59Hey, Fish.
00:59:00You know where you found
00:59:01everything else?
00:59:03What about it?
00:59:04Are you sure
00:59:06you didn't miss anything?
00:59:07Yes, I'm sure
00:59:08I didn't miss anything.
00:59:09I don't need
00:59:10the accusations.
00:59:12Thank you very much.
00:59:13Worth looking at, though.
00:59:15Why are you taking her side?
00:59:17I'm not taking anyone's side.
00:59:18I'm just saying
00:59:19it's worth double checking.
00:59:22Ugh.
00:59:23That's fucked up.
00:59:30I can't feel anything.
00:59:32Told you.
00:59:32Get way back in there.
00:59:34I am.
00:59:35Maybe we should get a flashlight.
00:59:36Is there a flashlight?
00:59:37What is this?
00:59:40Nothing.
00:59:41Nothing.
00:59:41It's not what you think it is.
00:59:43What do I think it is?
00:59:43I don't know.
00:59:44Eric.
00:59:45Fuck.
00:59:45Fuck.
00:59:55I just didn't think
00:59:56you needed a distraction.
01:00:00We're trying to get out of here,
01:00:02you know,
01:00:02so I...
01:00:02holy shit.
01:00:11Sometimes I wake up
01:00:15and think Leo is there
01:00:16in the bed beside me
01:00:17and my heart sinks
01:00:18when I realize
01:00:19he used to say
01:00:22trouble is just an opportunity
01:00:23that got turned around,
01:00:24but I don't know
01:00:25if I'll ever get turned back around.
01:00:26Poor Carl walked in on me
01:00:28crying during a documentary
01:00:29about Niagara Falls.
01:00:31Everything,
01:00:31every feeling
01:00:32was still right there.
01:00:33I wish I could just have
01:00:34a tomato juice
01:00:35and calm down.
01:00:36It worked for Leo.
01:00:37I'd have to drink it
01:00:38by the gallon.
01:00:39Things got tough
01:00:41with Leo
01:00:42and I wasn't a good person.
01:00:44So maybe I was never
01:00:45a good person
01:00:45in the first place.
01:00:47I know that now.
01:00:48Why would she cut out
01:00:57the pages of her own?
01:01:01All that time
01:01:02with Jessica,
01:01:03I never...
01:01:07She dumped you.
01:01:09Left.
01:01:11But I'm still here,
01:01:12always.
01:01:15We've been talking
01:01:16about this heist
01:01:17for forever
01:01:18and, you know,
01:01:19a little bit of excitement,
01:01:21doing our own thing,
01:01:22some teamwork,
01:01:23but now it's just
01:01:26the same shit.
01:01:27You had Jessica,
01:01:28now you have her.
01:01:30Her?
01:01:31She's going to tell the cops
01:01:32that I raped her.
01:01:33I believe I apologized.
01:01:36This is the whole reason
01:01:37that we broke in here.
01:01:39No, it's the whole reason
01:01:40you broke in here.
01:01:41This is crazy.
01:01:42This changes everything.
01:01:44She's...
01:01:45I know the code.
01:01:51What?
01:01:54I know the code.
01:01:55It's our anniversary.
01:01:57No, you don't know.
01:01:58No, I know.
01:01:59No, you don't know.
01:02:01You're going to fuck around
01:02:01and get us all arrested
01:02:02just because you read
01:02:03some cotton candy thoughts
01:02:05in her little girl diary.
01:02:06But you don't know the code.
01:02:07Okay.
01:02:09Now,
01:02:11we haven't been at our best,
01:02:12any of us.
01:02:13And maybe someday
01:02:14we'll all sit down,
01:02:16break bread,
01:02:17and have our apologies
01:02:19and tender moments
01:02:20and whatnot,
01:02:20and that'll be nice,
01:02:21I'm sure.
01:02:22But right now,
01:02:24this is over.
01:02:24I'm getting us out of here
01:02:27because I know.
01:02:40There.
01:02:43Now let's go.
01:02:45Fuck!
01:02:46That can't be...
01:02:49Let's go!
01:02:50We've got to run!
01:02:51Hide in the bushes!
01:02:51I don't understand.
01:02:52We're fucked!
01:02:53We run!
01:02:54Let's go!
01:02:54Wait!
01:02:55We have to stay!
01:02:57What are you, nuts?
01:02:58No, there's only one way out!
01:03:00Yeah, the door!
01:03:01Let's go!
01:03:02No, it's not the door!
01:03:04It's him.
01:03:06He's right!
01:03:06He knows.
01:03:08He knows.
01:03:09Hello?
01:03:33Hello?
01:03:39This is the police!
01:03:50Everybody okay?
01:03:51Oh!
01:04:09Oh!
01:04:10Oh, thank God.
01:04:11Honey!
01:04:12Honey,
01:04:12the security guard's here!
01:04:15Oh, I'm so sorry.
01:04:17What?
01:04:18I'm so sorry
01:04:19about this.
01:04:20Kill the alarm!
01:04:23I'm on the scene.
01:04:25Hold the backup.
01:04:26Stand by.
01:04:29Oh.
01:04:30Oh, God.
01:04:32I'm sorry.
01:04:33I misplaced a little slip of paper
01:04:37that my sister wrote the code on for me.
01:04:40So, God, that alarm is such a pain sometimes.
01:04:44Yeah.
01:04:46Sometimes.
01:04:46You said Ms. Deavers is your sister?
01:04:52That's right.
01:04:53That's right.
01:04:53That's me.
01:04:56And, uh, my sister, Jessica, the homeowner, with our younger sister, Carla, and Mom and Dad.
01:05:05It's a Virginia city.
01:05:07Have you ever been?
01:05:09Nope.
01:05:10Oh, it's a thing to see.
01:05:12Just like you'd have pictured the Old West have been.
01:05:15Like, it's a lot of fun.
01:05:16Well, I'll have to check that out sometime.
01:05:20You'll have to take me.
01:05:21God, he talks about it all the time, but we've never gone.
01:05:25You know, you get busy.
01:05:29I've met your folks before.
01:05:32Yeah, your dad.
01:05:35Randy.
01:05:36Yeah.
01:05:37Randy.
01:05:39He helped me out.
01:05:40I was having some trouble with the gate.
01:05:43Oh, I bet he loved that.
01:05:45He's so good with those sorts of things.
01:05:48He should have been a mechanic or maybe a surgeon, even.
01:05:52Anything but insurance.
01:05:54Yeah.
01:05:54Well, yeah, he fixed it right up, so.
01:05:57And your mom made these, uh...
01:05:59I hope it was the lemon bars.
01:06:01Yeah, that's right.
01:06:02Lucky that those are the only things she knows how to make.
01:06:06Well, they were good, so.
01:06:08You dodged a bullet.
01:06:10Seriously.
01:06:11I've never seen a woman make more of a disaster of snickerdoodles.
01:06:15It's terrible, but you have to eat them.
01:06:18I don't remember you folks coming in.
01:06:21Oh, you know, I think the, uh, the other gentleman was working.
01:06:26Leslie?
01:06:27Oh, I don't...
01:06:29Um...
01:06:29Yeah, he did work the day shift.
01:06:34Normally he lets me know if we have visitors.
01:06:36Yeah.
01:06:37Well, well, if there's some paperwork they were supposed to fill out or something, we'd be happy to do it.
01:06:41And...
01:06:41No, you know, just normally people let us know if they're gonna have guests while they're away.
01:06:46Well, Jessica, details aren't really her thing.
01:06:50But she just told us to get out of the city for a couple days and, you know, spend some quiet time together.
01:06:57We just got engaged.
01:07:00Well, congratulations!
01:07:02Yeah, thank you.
01:07:02That's fantastic.
01:07:03Thanks.
01:07:04Phone's ready.
01:07:05Here it comes.
01:07:07What is the only varietal of grape that is actually named after a god?
01:07:12Can we get you something to eat?
01:07:20Oh, God, I'd offer you some soup, but, oh, God, that darn alarm went off and, God, it surprised me.
01:07:27Uh, maybe some pretzels or chips or ravioli?
01:07:34Some people don't like eating it out of the can, but it reminds me of growing up.
01:07:38Uh, no, I'm good.
01:07:41Oh, I'm told we have a caller and just in time.
01:07:44Hello?
01:07:45Are you ready to reveal the impossible?
01:07:48Yes.
01:07:49It's Sangio Facy.
01:07:50Uh, I'm sorry, you need to speak up, please.
01:07:54It's Sangio Facy.
01:07:56That's correct.
01:07:58Whoa!
01:07:59Whoa!
01:08:01Oh, that is...
01:08:03Some people have all the luck, huh?
01:08:08Man, I bet that guy's partying hard wherever he is.
01:08:13Huh, no doubt.
01:08:15Congratulations, you've just won $105,000.
01:08:18What's your name?
01:08:20Marlon.
01:08:21Like the fish?
01:08:24Yeah.
01:08:25Yeah, I like the fish.
01:08:26Oh, well, apologies again for causing all the ruckus, you know?
01:08:36No problem at all.
01:08:38Happens all the time.
01:08:39These alarms are more trouble than they're worth.
01:08:42I mean, to be honest, it's kind of a letdown.
01:08:44Just once I want to come in, guns a-blazin', have it out with some scumbags.
01:08:49We can dream, though, right?
01:08:51You have a good night.
01:08:53Oh, shit.
01:08:55Sorry, guys.
01:08:58I just got to go by the book with this kind of stuff.
01:09:01Of course.
01:09:03I just need you to tell me the safe word.
01:09:06Rutavega.
01:09:07Sorry, that's our safe word.
01:09:10Ah, sorry, overshare.
01:09:11Honey.
01:09:14Safe word?
01:09:16Yeah, you know, the word you're supposed to know when you're in the house.
01:09:20Just clears that you're actually allowed to be here.
01:09:22Mm-hmm.
01:09:25You can call your sister if you need to.
01:09:28That's fine.
01:09:38One word you say.
01:09:42Yeah.
01:09:49Honey.
01:09:53You know.
01:09:53You know.
01:10:08Niagara.
01:10:09That's the one.
01:10:15You guys have a good night.
01:10:17Oh, you too.
01:10:18Oh, hey.
01:10:18Um, you can leave that open.
01:10:20We're going to head to the store in a second.
01:10:22Start over with that soup.
01:10:24The soup, yeah.
01:10:25Sounds good to me.
01:10:27Let's get the fuck out of here.
01:10:50Fish!
01:10:51Did you hear that shit?
01:10:53Let's go.
01:10:53Four hundred and five thousand dollars.
01:10:55Congratulations.
01:10:56Let's go.
01:10:57Let's load these up.
01:10:58No time.
01:10:59What about the pizza?
01:11:00What?
01:11:00Our ride?
01:11:01I have my car.
01:11:02Go, go, go.
01:11:03Go.
01:11:03Go.
01:11:03Go.
01:11:11Hold on.
01:11:13Let me make room for you.
01:11:14Can you leave anything there?
01:11:20No.
01:11:22No, wait.
01:11:23Ow.
01:11:23Ow.
01:11:23Goodbye.
01:11:43Bye.
01:11:44Bye.
01:11:45Bye.
01:11:46Bye.
01:11:49Bye.
01:11:53chocolate chip pancakes those sound amazing yeah people like them you know what we might be one
01:12:14percenters almost you know collectively our forces combined but with this kind of seed money
01:12:21we could plan a proper job you know we're experienced now we can go big something with
01:12:27grappling hooks or go all db cooper fucking legends maybe we could just get a little breakfast
01:12:34first and then see yeah yeah of course um breakfast is on me by the way
01:12:39i should give this to that guy i'll get this one
01:12:45i owe darcy a breakfast anyhow
01:12:49okay so now that we're all um it's actually kate my name
01:12:58devious
01:13:02where are you gonna put that lamp craigslist
01:13:06it's our only score from the job
01:13:10well and this what that's crazy man do they have celebration items on a breakfast menu
01:13:20what would that be like a an enormous pile of bacon
01:13:23we're going places i'll tell you that non-tropical places i'm standing my ground on that issue but
01:13:30everything else is open because you got to keep yourself open to new things keep it fresh
01:13:34otherwise you get stuck i mean you can't make a plan to know about something that you don't already
01:13:40know about hold up that's fucking wisdom right there yeah i just know it
01:13:48exactly
01:13:50you
01:13:54you
01:13:58so
01:14:00you
01:14:08you
01:14:09you
01:14:12you
01:14:15Me and my friends are doing fine
01:14:22Me and my friends are doing fine
01:14:29Just like the water falling
01:14:35Down to the rocks, it never stops
01:14:39The falling water never stops
01:14:43The falling water never stops
01:15:13The falling water never stops
01:15:43And every day the same mistakes
01:15:48And every day the same mistakes
01:15:52The same mistakes and then a break
01:15:56Me and my friends are doing fine
01:16:03Me and my friends are doing fine
01:16:10Just like the water falling
01:16:16Down to the rocks, it never stops
01:16:20The falling water never stops
01:16:24The fall down to the rocks, it neverใใ
01:16:30Down to the rocks
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