- 5 weeks ago
Best White Mom Max Amini Standup Comedy
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Nick, where are you? You mixed background, yeah?
00:02Just white?
00:04Is that what your mom told you?
00:10She said German, Cuban.
00:12She never told you you got some Cuban in you, did you?
00:14Just a little bit.
00:16It's nice you come out with your mom. I like that.
00:18Mom, you're single or are you dating anybody
00:20or are you with someone? Married.
00:22Married? Not to his dad, though.
00:24His dad? You didn't know your dad is Cuban?
00:28Okay, white family,
00:30you guys want to talk with each other?
00:32White people, don't give a shit.
00:34He just found out
00:36he's Cuban.
00:38You have a girlfriend?
00:40Yeah, you have a girlfriend too?
00:42Mom goes like, why?
00:44Why did you go like that?
00:46It's a lot?
00:48She's fat?
00:50What about her is a lot?
00:52She's adorable.
00:54They're in his room a lot.
00:56Mom, get it off your chest.
00:58I'm gonna help you tonight.
01:00You bring her home to your parents' home,
01:02you take her to your room,
01:04and you do a lot?
01:06Where's she from?
01:08They don't even know.
01:10They have such white guilt,
01:12he's scared to even ask.
01:14It's okay, you can ask her,
01:16what's your culture, what's your background?
01:18Mom knows he doesn't know.
01:20What is she?
01:22She's Latino.
01:23You didn't know.
01:24Now you know.
01:26Nick, come on, bro.
01:28I mean, you gotta ask her,
01:30so you learn about her culture,
01:32you can do things that she likes, yeah?
01:34You learn a couple of Spanish words,
01:36amor, amor.
01:38Buenas noches.
01:40You say a couple of Spanish words,
01:42she's like, oh my God, hey?
01:44Mom doesn't like that.
01:46No buenas noches, no amor.
01:48No amor.
01:50You just say goodbye,
01:52get the f*** out, yeah?
01:54How cool is that white kids
01:56can bring their girlfriends to their home
01:58and go to the room and do things?
02:00Look at the faces of all these brown people.
02:04You know this shit never happens,
02:06you understand?
02:08There are people here in their 40s, yeah?
02:10They can't, they're their parents,
02:12they got married,
02:14they got married,
02:16they got married,
02:18they got married,
02:19they got married,
02:20they got married.
02:22What are you doing with the wife?
02:24Nothing, nothing,
02:25she has her own room,
02:26I have my own room.
02:28You live in the same house?
02:30No, no, I mean,
02:31she has her own apartment,
02:32I have my own apartment.
02:33We just wave at each other, huh?
02:36You're very lucky that you can just
02:38bring your girlfriend home,
02:39you know these Arab guys here,
02:40the Persians and the Indians,
02:41none of us can do that.
02:42You think me growing up,
02:44I could just call my girlfriend,
02:46like come over,
02:47and then when she comes over,
02:48hi, come let's go to my room.
02:49My father,
02:51where are you going?
02:53What are you going in the bedroom?
02:55No, no, no, no, no,
02:57I come inside too.
02:59My father will sit there,
03:01okay, you touch,
03:03please touch.
03:05Tell her about your Iranian heritage.
03:07Who's your mother?
03:09Who's your father?
03:11My father will be interrogating the girl
03:13until she leaves the house.
03:15You're so lucky, man.
03:17That's so good.
03:18I'm very proud of your family,
03:19first of all.
03:20Listen, this is how cool this family is.
03:23They're so respectful to their kids' choices.
03:27Even Nick, at age 20,
03:29brings this girl,
03:31goes to the room,
03:33and the wife is in this room.
03:35The mom and dad sit outside,
03:37respectfully listening to this shit.
03:41And then when she leaves,
03:43mom goes,
03:44Nick, what were you guys doing?
03:45Nothing, we're playing video games.
03:49Ah, okay, that was a video game.
03:52Good.
03:53Yeah?
03:54This is how incredible these people are.
03:57And then you ask yourselves,
03:59why they grow up to be more outspoken
04:01and more confident?
04:03And our people,
04:04we have to hide everything.
04:05Huh?
04:06Respect your kids,
04:07give them love,
04:08try to change their choices
04:10by talking to them,
04:12by making friends,
04:13coming to a comedy show,
04:14allowing the comedian to say,
04:16Nick, get the fuck out of this situation.
04:19She's Latina.
04:20You understand what happens?
04:21She's gonna get pregnant in two months.
04:23You're gonna have five kids.
04:25Look at the moms.
04:26Thank you for saying this.
04:30Mom, I know if it happened,
04:32you're gonna have to babysit.
04:33I get it.
04:37Nick, just pull out.
04:39Would you?
04:40I didn't know this show
04:41was gonna turn into a science class.
04:42Yeah?
04:43You know,
04:44you have to wear protection.
04:45Yeah?
04:46And it doesn't matter
04:47what race the person is.
04:48That was just a joke.
04:49But in reality,
04:50Latinos can get pregnant by blowjobs.
04:52Did you know that?
04:54It's the only race in the world
04:56that can get pregnant
04:57by sometimes whispering in their ears.
05:00Like, amor, I love you.
05:02And she's like,
05:03Oh my God.
05:04Oh my God.
05:05Oh my God.
05:06It's a twin.
05:09It's over, bro.
05:12I want you to be a happy man
05:13and I want you to get somebody pregnant
05:15by choice, by marriage,
05:16by something appropriate
05:17because even her life
05:18is gonna be at jeopardy, yeah?
05:20You're a young man.
05:21You're gonna wrap this shit up, yeah?
05:23You have to help the community
05:24one person at a time.
05:25Give Nick a big round of applause.
05:27This kid is awesome.
05:32I love you, Mexico.
05:33What about Africans?
05:35Africans?
05:36Wait, it's not your turn yet.
05:39I'm going around the globe, okay?
05:41Africa is far away.
05:43If I go past the Arabs and the Armenians,
05:45they'll be f***ed.
05:47The Indians were,
05:48I would go in Europe,
05:49the Indians,
05:50I could hear India, India,
05:51mother much India.
05:52I know the order, okay?
05:54I'd first go to Europe
05:56because the Europeans wouldn't say sh**.
05:57Europe.
05:59So I get them out of the way
06:01and then I go to India
06:02because Indians are fast.
06:03I'm like,
06:04I'm a f***er,
06:05I'm a f***er,
06:06I'm a f***er.
06:07Indians are IT.
06:08They're like,
06:09Mother f***er,
06:10Google is mother of me.
06:11We didn't bring our names up,
06:12we're f***er,
06:13right now.
06:14All of a sudden,
06:15my ranking in Google tanks.
06:19Then I have to go to Arabs
06:20because the Arabs are dangerous,
06:21they're sensitive.
06:22I flew from Michigan
06:23to mother f***er,
06:24this guy by the theater can't send the show in the middle of the show they
06:30purchased the building they can't send the show we have to go home
06:36Africa you guys are nice you wait a little bit
06:40Africans are nice Latinos are nice Latinos you see the Latinos didn't say
06:44anything I'm sure there are Asians here the Asians are not saying anything
06:48some cultures are very kind and very calm and very patient some cultures
06:53you came by yourself who he bought you a VIP tickets it's your birthday gift he's
07:06just your friend huh what a nice friend you have he thinks so much ahead for your
07:14birthday he buys VIP tickets to Maximini front row in the middle right this
07:20ticket is the hottest ticket in the house he bought it for his friend look at
07:27me my friend my friend look at me what's your name
07:33Mesa I'm honest to God you're not trying to
07:40you're just a friend she's perfect that's not what I asked
07:47she's perfect you're not trying to be perfect yes or no Mesa you adore her but
07:56you don't love her and you're not trying to so anyway she goes Mesa that was the best
08:03show ever would you like to come upstairs and you're like yes no problem I come
08:08upstairs and then you go upstairs and she's like takes her clothes off she's in
08:12lingerie it's like Mesa I know you're my friend but tonight I need you what do you
08:26say no I am just your friend sorry goodbye is that what's gonna happen he says no he
08:38said no yeah really I've been waiting for this moment who knows I am ready baby he
08:47wouldn't even open it he just go ah not your friend
08:52let me go to Africa Africans Morandi Morandi Morandi oh I know all about Morandi he didn't say
09:05every morning I wake up I go watch the pictures of Morandi first
09:10B B I know I want to see if he knows
09:16honestly I didn't know I I'm really grateful that you came to my show so I can learn about your country
09:23so it's Moroombi Morandi
09:26okay what's your name honey
09:31my life man
09:35did you just hear what she said my mom is Pakistani my dad is from India
09:48mom Pakistani dad Indian dad mom
09:55you were born and raised in Africa what a life you had huh your parents married each other one's from
10:07Pakistan one's from India and when their families found out
10:11they're like oh my god we need to go far away
10:19we have to go to a country in Africa that nobody finds us
10:25let's go to Borumbi
10:29the Pakistan was a hundred Spanish and I am Indian I'm spelling bee champion
10:36it starts with B
10:38B Borumbi
10:41believe it or not I'm right I'm always right
10:46you're amazing girl that's wonderful well first of all I'm so glad you shared about
10:52Borumbi now tell us tell this audience something very special about the country you were born in
10:58it's one of the poorest countries in the world
11:00sometimes the meaning of special is misunderstood
11:10I said say something special she said it's the poorest country in the world
11:16how are you feeling
11:18you have a place to stay tonight
11:22you feel so rich tonight
11:26did you rob somebody outside
11:28think about something positive I come back to you yeah positive
11:34being the poorest is not the positive yeah
11:37maybe they have something special about the country maybe they import something
11:41maybe there is some sort of
11:43they have the best tea and coffee
11:45they have the best tea and coffee so does every other country
11:47so does Sri Lanka India Iran we all have tea okay Japanese Chinese we have good tea we have good tea everywhere yeah
11:56coffee Vietnamese known for their coffee they have the cats eat it then shed it and they make it it's fantastic
12:01something special about something grows there that it doesn't grow anywhere else or maybe they have a building that is you know Jesus was born there and then one of the prophets may be there yeah maybe Abraham was there I don't know it's something special yeah
12:14god damn it girl don't ever come to my shows again
12:20go back to Burundi
12:25I like that guy what's your name buddy
12:27Dimitri
12:29you're you're a third wheel tonight
12:31you came out with the married couple yeah
12:34they're neighbors neighbors we're neighbors okay I got it
12:39that's not the way you pick up somebody we are neighbors we are neighbors how about a better like hand gesture like we're neighbors something like that you know
12:48Dimitri what do you do
12:50I'm a musician
12:51you're a musician what kind of musician
12:53I play guitar
12:54oh great so you're homeless
12:55nice nice
12:57Nick do you know about Ramadan
13:03no you don't
13:05don't lie to me
13:07I'm gonna quiz you and you're like uh you don't know where Cuba is
13:10you know about Ramadan
13:12really a little bit no I'll tell you the whole thing
13:14Ramadan it's a holy month where Muslims they don't eat from sunrise to sunset
13:18they're not allowed to have sex
13:20they don't have sex
13:21can you imagine you like can you imagine
13:23your mom wants you to convert to Islam tonight
13:27it's gonna save the whole family a few babies you know
13:35are you circumcised because when you convert you got to cut that dick
13:39mom's like yes cut his dick
13:43cut the whole thing off
13:45are you are you Christian Catholic what are you
13:51he doesn't even know you're so cute
13:54it's like mom what are we uh
13:56was it Jesus or was it Moses
13:58I could forget mom
14:00which one are you
14:01Catholic okay so for example
14:03ex-Catholic okay ex-Catholic
14:06and let me tell you why
14:07because it also has to do with halal and haram
14:10you know what halal and haram is
14:12no okay I'll tell you
14:14I want you to come to my show and have fun
14:16laugh and learn something and go
14:18okay what a crazy night that was
14:20yeah
14:20see when you go to the Catholic church
14:23the priest that's very like appropriate with the boys
14:27he's a halal priest
14:29the priest that goes Nick come here sit here
14:33let me baptize you
14:35ooh you're so cute
14:36that's a haram priest
14:38see I'm teaching him well yeah
14:42Professor Maximini's class
14:45what about Macedonian
14:51Macedonians
14:52what is your music like
14:54is it good
14:56really good
14:57really
14:58yes
14:58can you google Macedonian song
15:00give me your best song
15:03Shakira
15:05this lady goes Shakira
15:07do you have an authentic awesome Macedonian song
15:12yes
15:12what's it called
15:13oh yeah that one
15:17I love how Jose on this computer
15:20that one
15:28I love that song
15:30awesome
15:43I love that song
15:44I love that song
15:45I love that song
15:46I love that song
15:47I love that song
15:48I love that song
15:49I love that song
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15:53I love that song
15:54I love that song
15:55I love that song
15:56I love that song
15:57I love that song
15:58I love that song
15:59I love that song
16:00I love that song
16:01I love that song
16:02I love that song
16:03I love that song
16:04I love that song
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16:06I love that song
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16:08I love that song
16:09I love that song
16:10I love that song
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