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00:00Oh-hole, oh, oh-hoo.
00:02It's a lie on me.
00:04Oh-ho, oh-ho.
00:06Oh-ho.
00:21Ooh!
00:23Cheers.
00:30Hello, hello and welcome to The Blame Game,
00:37the show that has more laughs than Nigel Farage has people talking to him
00:42at a school reunion.
00:45I'm Tim McGarry and our regular panellists are Colin Murphy,
00:49Diona Doherty and Neil Delamere.
00:52And our special guest tonight is a uniquely brilliant comedian
01:00known for his superb one-liners, his surreal flights of fancy
01:04and his inability to comb his hair.
01:07You'll know him from Mock the Week and loads of other TV shows,
01:10but it's his first time on The Blame Game,
01:12so please give a lovely warm welcome to the fabulous Milton Jones!
01:22Some English guests turn up on The Blame Game without knowing much
01:25about Northern Ireland, but fear not,
01:27for we have now introduced The Blame Game
01:29English Guest Induction Kit.
01:32Last week we sent Milton a box of Tito Cheese and Onion,
01:35a bottle of Buckfast and ten episodes of Give My Head Peace.
01:40Milton now knows the difference between a flag and a flag.
01:44He knows that a peeler has nothing to do with potatoes
01:47and that this show will be judged as a success
01:50if it passes off peacefully.
01:53So what is our first question tonight?
01:55Our first question tonight is asked by Josh from Bangor.
01:58Hi Josh.
01:59Hi there.
02:00Who's The Blame for spending our money?
02:02Yes, it was Budget Week.
02:04Over in Britain they debated tax thresholds,
02:06cash ISA limits and pension contributions.
02:09In Northern Ireland we simply asked,
02:11how much did we squeeze out of the Brits this time?
02:15And the answer is we got an extra 370 million quid
02:19and half of Northern Ireland went,
02:21yo, that's Casement Park sorted.
02:26In the budget the two child cap was lifted.
02:29Good to see Rachel Reeves looking after the Catholics.
02:34But there was consternation in North Downe
02:36with the introduction of a mansion tax
02:38for properties worth over two million pounds.
02:40Yes, many residents of Coltrou are worried sick
02:43that their houses might not be worth that much.
02:49But who can we blame for spending our money?
02:52Yeah, can you believe so?
02:53Rachel Reeves announced the budget and just before she did it,
02:55like you said, the OBR leaked it.
02:57So somebody accidentally published that too early.
03:00I hope there's an investigation.
03:01There's a young lad in a room somewhere.
03:03I didn't mean to do it.
03:04I press the button.
03:05It says in your CV you worked in Northern Ireland
03:07before you were here.
03:08Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
03:09What did you do in Northern Ireland?
03:10I was responsible for the database
03:12with all the police names and addresses.
03:19So there's good news and bad news.
03:20So the good news is that they've frozen the fuel duty,
03:23the duty on fuel.
03:24If there's anybody from South Armagh in the audience,
03:27fuel duty is what other people pay on diesel.
03:34OK?
03:35So that's kind of good news.
03:36Bad news is there's still a demographic time bomb
03:37because there's too many pensioners
03:38and there's not enough workers to pay the pensions
03:40of pensioners.
03:41And Rachel Reeves said,
03:42oh, well, we've taken all the hard decisions
03:44and they haven't really because it's fairly easy
03:46to cut the number of pensioners if you really want to.
03:48All you have to do is make electric cars quieter.
03:53You can't deny that's not funny halfway through.
03:58You can't go, ha, ha, oh, actually, no, my God.
04:02No, no, I mean, that would solve the issue.
04:05But it's...
04:06No, so that's one of the things they could do.
04:07Now, what was weird is she didn't take a drink.
04:09Did you see this?
04:10You know you were allowed...
04:11Yeah, yeah.
04:12The only time that you were allowed drink
04:14on the floor of the House of Commons
04:15is when you were the Chancellor given the budget, right?
04:17Really?
04:18Yes!
04:19I just think it would be very interesting
04:20to watch her slowly get pissed as...
04:22She starts off,
04:23We have lifted 400,000 children out of child poverty.
04:25And then, like, an hour later...
04:27And then another thing!
04:29Yeah, I'm going to take the two-child-cap benefit that's gone,
04:33or the TAG tax, as I like to call it.
04:36So I suppose another win for Boris Johnson the prick!
04:41It would just be amazing to watch her do that.
04:43What I didn't enjoy was...
04:45Cammie Bade not gotten this run,
04:47and then when she would say...
04:48She went,
04:49Taxes!
04:50And the Tories behind her went,
04:51Up!
04:52And then she said,
04:53Government spending!
04:54And they went,
04:55Up!
04:56And then everything she said they went,
04:57Up!
04:58And then she did the same for Down!
04:59So it was a bit like,
05:00It was welfare!
05:01Up!
05:02Unemployment!
05:03Up!
05:04When I point to you,
05:05I want you to go down.
05:06Right?
05:07Because this is what they did yesterday.
05:08She went,
05:09Growth!
05:10Down!
05:11Wow, they're good, aren't they?
05:12Okay, investment!
05:13Down!
05:14Credibility of the Chancellor!
05:16Down!
05:17The best type of duvet!
05:18Down!
05:22Depressed people feel!
05:23Down!
05:24Snobs that live in North!
05:26Down!
05:27The best way you could earn a few bob if you're here, by the way,
05:33is if you are a Protestant, you can apply for a job in the zoo.
05:36Yes!
05:37So, now they'll take anybody, but they're underrepresented,
05:40and they want Protestants males.
05:42To apply?
05:44To apply.
05:45Yeah, well, I didn't mean to be in the zoo.
05:48Do you have to prove your, how do you prove you're Protestant in the interview?
05:51Do you just have to be like,
05:52Yeah, absolutely, my favourite song is simply the best,
05:54and there is a photograph of my toaster in the cupboard.
05:59And like, you know, I think that obviously there's never been,
06:02there's not hardly that many Protestant men must enter the zoo at all,
06:05that they probably do keep one of them in a cage now,
06:07for us all to go have a wee juquette.
06:09Press a wee button and you just hear David Attenborough there like,
06:12Here lies a rarely spotted Protestant male with his eyes just that little bit too far apart.
06:19These creatures work terrifically well together throughout the entire sunny month of July.
06:28These note the nasal in sound, aye, that only the other males understand.
06:34And observe his strong calves from decades of marching down the sandy road.
06:41The houses thing now, the £2 million, I was intrigued by that too.
06:45Right. I thought, do we have property here that qualifies for this, right?
06:48And I look it up, and right now, you can do it at home.
06:52If you look up the Property News website, any of them,
06:54and there are nine houses here that are priced over 2 million squid.
06:59Is that all? Nine. And they're all in Coltrac.
07:01One of them is right on the sea.
07:03One of them is right down in Belfast Loch, Milton and it's right there.
07:05And a beautiful view over Belfast Loch to Carrickfergus.
07:12Seriously, if you're buying a house for 2.9 million,
07:15that's what this one's on at, 2.9 million,
07:17you do not want to be looking at Carrickfergus and a Stenna Ferry.
07:20Look at this beautiful view here, this is amazing, look, there's a...
07:24What's that guy? Oh, he's mooning from the...
07:26Oh, yeah, from the ferry.
07:28Oh!
07:31I always think, though, finances are very difficult to understand.
07:34Like, my whole name is Milton 79 Heathfield Road, Jones.
07:38Because my dad thought you could save tax
07:40by putting your house in your son's name.
07:51You know, you were saying Stenna Line there,
07:53my stepson years ago was doing, like, a wee bio on himself in school,
07:57like, your favourite food, your favourite country, whatever,
08:00and he had to write his favourite song and he had written the word
08:03Stenna Line beside it.
08:04And I was like, mate, that's a boat.
08:06And he was like, it's a song.
08:07And I was like, prove it then.
08:08And he went, ugh.
08:09Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, Stenna Line.
08:12Tarek Fergus is concerned about itself, though, because the councillors
08:21have voted to change the name of one of their streets, Prince Andrew Way,
08:27and they decided we'd better change this, and they've changed it to Savile Row.
08:32A great way of earning some extra money too is to be a PSNI officer at the minute because
08:43a report came out this week saying that there's loads of them have earned so much overtime some
08:47of them have earned up to like 50-55 grand a year because they're doing loads of overtime
08:52I think they love it do you know what I mean like a wee call comes in for like a riot and they're
08:57like oh no oh what are we gonna deny and then they just like log it as new conservatory like
09:04they're buzzing they're standing on the outskirts of a parade like don't you boys be rioting or we'll
09:09be here all day but you would think it's because there's not enough police officers they're they're
09:15spread fun but you would think with the success of blue lights it would like encourage people
09:19that's not the joke the joke is to let anybody into blue light
09:29sorry not anybody Tim oh yeah I think the police could have as much money as they want they do
09:48an incredible job I mean they hold terrorists indefinitely which is a very long hug and are they
09:58king penguins at Belfast Zoo because I saw David Attenborough do a piece about how they marched
10:04right across the Arctic so presumably all of them are Protestants and also seals as well because they
10:13sound like Ian paisley
10:22seen that induction course work didn't I
10:31here talking about the cops I've only the funniest thing I've ever seen involving the Guards a what's that I was out walking the dog near Mountjoy prison and
10:37Joy prison and the guards were arresting a fella who'd flown his drone into a tree
10:43and there was drugs underneath the drone in a pouch 25 feet stuck up in the
10:46tree the drone was there's one guard here he's been arresting the young fella
10:50and there's another guard here and for the next 25 minutes I watched this guard
10:53kicking a football trying to knock a drone out of a tree. It was magnificent. He took off the
11:02stab vest he turned off the radio licked his finger to judge the distance
11:05he threw a bit of grass in the air probably shouldn't have been carrying that on him to be honest
11:09borrowed a football from a young lad because a crowd had gathered he balloons the ball up misses the
11:15tree bow right he's brutal he misses the tree about about seven times he's so bad with the football
11:19when we arrived me the dog there was a squirrel sitting in the middle of the tree and after six
11:23shots the squirrel ran out along the tree bow and sat on the drone because the squirrel had
11:30calculated that the safest place to sit in the tree was on it it was amazing so what is our next
11:42question tonight our next question tonight is asked by Jennifer from West Belfast hi Jennifer
11:46hiya who do you blame for dredging up history well I hope this isn't about my history and dredging that up
11:53the time I went on a ballooning holiday and put on four stone I think this is to do with a watch that
12:06was found on the wreck of the Titanic that was just auctioned for 1.7 million pounds you know the
12:13Titanic yeah the big ocean liner named after the hotel in Belfast and yeah well this watch was engraved
12:27by a mr. Strauss it said be lucky in the film Titanic Strauss and his wife are in it and they're holding
12:37hands as the boat goes down it's a very unfortunate superglue accident only a few minutes before they'd
12:47been playing games on the deck with other passengers and mrs. Strauss had said I spy with my little eyes
12:53something beginning with I they were going Ibex Italy Ian and then it hit them
13:03the watch was found by a submarine called HMS Nando's when it put up its peri periscope
13:16but years ago I was offered a shipyard apprenticeship but I really didn't want to be a shipyard I think if I
13:31was on the in the band that went down with the ship and I was playing the cello I was looking at
13:39all the people in the water I'd probably played the jaws music so it might be that history being dredged up although the
13:50other thing that could possibly be with the dredging up of the history is lots of people want Irish
13:55passports at the moment I know I do you know what it's like one DNA test Bob's your uncle
14:02it turns out I have an aunt who's almost Irish her name's Iris
14:14thank you thank you very much for that yes indeed talks are taking place to finally end the war in
14:30Ukraine whatever the outcome Vladimir Putin has made it clear that Russia will continue to hold
14:35on to the territories it currently occupies the territories in question being Mar-a-Lago and the
14:41White House and our next question tonight is asked by Amber from Newry hi Amber what's your question
14:50I am who's to blame for men behaving badly who do you blame for men behaving badly there are two main
14:57differences between Westminster and Stormont firstly when they take holidays at Westminster the breaks
15:02are usually less than two to three years secondly at Westminster they're currently debating the big
15:09question namely can Rachel Reeves budget balance the books and at the same time stimulate economic growth
15:14meanwhile at Stormont the big question is who's flooded the bogs again yes there have been a series of
15:22flooding incidents at Stormont in an area that requires a special pass so suspicion is falling
15:28on someone who works at Stormont or if not someone who works at Stormont possibly an MLA
15:33meanwhile the new Irish language commissioner clearly thinks kneecap behave badly and he doesn't
15:44think they promote the Irish language in the right way he may have a point mind you when I was at school
15:49they promoted the Irish language through dull poetry about bog lands in Donegal and vicious beatings
15:54administered by Christian brothers still never did me one bit of harm but who can we blame for men behaving badly I will take this one thank you
16:06the new Irish language commissioner as you mentioned he's not a fan of kneecap he doesn't want to he doesn't want to work with kneecap he says they're not promoting the Irish language in the way he would like listen have you heard the way we even speak English do you mean like people in dairy are calling kids weans guilty people in Belfast are calling Kirby cribby we're all arguing about how you even pronounce the letter H like we bastardize the English language we may as well ruin the Irish
16:12one as well
16:41the amount of people according to the London Irish Centre the amount of people that now want to learn Irish is like soaring there's a part of London Irish Centre has like 2,000 people on a waiting list who want to learn the Irish language and most of them are English and I just love the idea of English people being like oh my god can you believe they've made up their own language
17:00how creative
17:03my absolute favourite man behaving badly this week was a story about a guy called Sir Benjamin right this aristocrat he was 79 years old and he put out the best wanted ad of all time he was looking for he's looking for a new wife right but he's got very strict criteria the first one being he said she needs to be a good breeder
17:22a queer breeder yeah a queer breeder not all them shite breeders that'll give you a ginger a queer breeder
17:28a queer breeder he wants a good breeder and also there's a height restriction she has to be over five foot six
17:33right so you have to be this high to ride the Sir Benjamin roller coaster loads and loads of criteria
17:39he uh if this woman will also get like 50 grand and she'll get like two castles to look after he said she also can't be over 60 you can swing your bus pass holding hook
17:49hook if you're over 60 right the reason he wants her to be young is he said that she would be easier to insure
17:57like she's a John Deere tractor he's going fully comp on her like isn't that ridiculous
18:03first thing I've got two questions one in what world are we living in where this old man thinks that he can list off criteria for a woman like he's choosing her out of a catalogue it's sexist it's demeaning it's disgusting
18:14and second of all where can I apply
18:20going back to Stormont
18:24toilets aren't straightforward at all my wife's always saying to me you left the lid up you've left the lid up and I say yeah but what if it's a man the next
18:31person to use the toilet goes it's a pedal bin
18:34thank you for that yes indeed the Stormont toilets have been flooded six times this year and this is how far we've sunk in Northern Ireland
18:47a few years ago news from Stormont involved bomb scares a spy ring and an unwanted visit from Michael Stone
18:54now oh no a sink's been blocked
19:00so what is our next question tonight our next question tonight is asked by Stella who says she's from lovely Lurgan lovely Lurgan there's two words you never hear in the same sentence
19:11what's your question Stella
19:13who's to blame for breaking the rules
19:16thank you Stella who do you blame for breaking the rules yes
19:19buskers and preachers in Belfast have been breaking noise pollution rules so new bylaws being introduced buskers will have to keep the noise down
19:28preachers will not be able to go above 70 decibels 70 decibels is roughly equivalent to the sound of a washing machine or an old money half an Ian Paisley
19:36and charges were dropped over damage caused to a painting in City Hall alleged to have been caused by a Sinn Féiner
19:45Michelle O'Neill was asked if she would name the alleged culprit
19:49she replied the PPS have made their views known and I respect their position
19:55just to translate that for Milton Michelle said I'm not a tout
20:02but who can we blame for breaking the rules
20:05yes I think this is the best idea Belfast City Council has ever come up with
20:10yep
20:11and I'm not the only one because you know where people get really really annoyed here about dog muck or dog dirt
20:19and they're always ringing in and there's dog dirt everywhere
20:22there was 1400 sorry 4000 complaints about dog dirt in five years to Belfast City Council right
20:28and when consultation went out for this idea that they were going to fine
20:32um uh uh buskers if they go over a certain volume there were 18,000 people responded
20:3818,000 people went yes do it now do it immediately
20:42when you go down Royal Avenue and you go into the city centre of Belfast
20:44it's not just one person with a guitar do you know what I mean it used to be
20:47used to be in the old days there used to be a guy used to stand there with a banjo and he had four strings
20:52and then as he got older there were three strings then there were two strings
20:55and then there was one string and then there was just a man with a banjo right
20:58that's all it was right now you go in and it's a full-on gig
21:02there's roadies there's uh there's dry ice there's good evening Arthur Street
21:08you know what I mean it's just it's humbly
21:13people with lighters in there going I love this one what I love this one
21:17it's not sort of it's not sort of it's none of that such a
21:21like in the old days there was no amplification with buskers in Belfast City Centre right
21:26and they were competing with the troubles do you know what I mean
21:30nowadays you go there could be a bomb go off on Royal Avenue tomorrow right
21:37and you wouldn't hear it over Wonderwall that's all you would hear
21:43but busker is actually a Spanish word I was really intrigued about where the word busker came from
21:47and it comes from the Spanish apparently busker and yeah which is which which is
21:53Spanish for em you're awful
21:58in Irish it's brush car and no kneecap fans in then and
22:06thought that was good yeah and yeah yeah and but there is there's a hierarchy in show business
22:11and you know what I mean buskers are not really you know they're not the bottom in fairness
22:15you know we all know this you know the the the hierarchy goes mime artists jugglers human statues
22:20human statues human statues are slightly above jugglers because they stay still
22:24then buskers then magicians then pub singers then priests then ventriloquists then comedians
22:28actors and strippers that that's the hierarchy
22:32have you seen the ones with the contactless payments oh my good god
22:36oh yeah all the arrogance and audacity of the busker that has a contactless payment
22:40that is what you can do a direct debit if you want you can
22:44I could insert that flute somewhere fella
22:48it's uh it is but the drummer the lamb beg drummer you uh you mentioned that there was a guy uh last month
22:54I think uh it was uh north antrum or antrum some council in antrum um he was served with a noise notice
23:02abatement notice noise abatement notice five grand they were fining him and the pearl man was doing
23:06nothing he was doing do you know what he was doing 5 000 pounds he was uh he was fined 5 000 pounds
23:12for uh 10 minutes every night seven nights a week five you know practicing his lambeg drum that's all he was doing
23:18right a lambeg drum do you know how loud a lambeg drum is 120 decibels right that's the equivalent of
23:24an aircraft a jet aircraft taken off that's what that sounds like it's I wouldn't be on that airplane
23:30if I heard that noise we're going to something wrong with that engine
23:34we've got a bow in 1690 taken off that's what it sounds like
23:38ladies and gentlemen we'll be flying the traditional route
23:42it is it's phenomenally loud there was a brilliant report on
23:46it was so brilliant on x uh an mla your man's local mla was outraged
23:52that a constituent uh had been cannot bang his drum cannot bang his drum in the privacy of his own garden
23:58and um that does that does sound like so without being well close
24:02and uh yeah so uh yeah he he made a wee uh video because they're all all uh all the politicians now
24:08they're all they're all on the tick tock and all i'm on the x and the tick tock and the instagram boys
24:12and so they're all making wee videos of themselves won't you you know you video me and i'll stand beside him
24:18right so the wee video that they made right was uh your man with his lambeg drum
24:24right and the mla's standing here and right beside the drum 120 decibels and then the man stops and then the mla's looking at it but he's like as he's you know i'm appreciating the drumming and uh and then he turns to the camera and he starts to speak
24:40my constitution
24:52you know all he can hear is
24:56that's why all he can hear is
25:00but you're right noise is really scary for people people don't like noise i lost my dog recently and i was shouting his name and i could see people getting really worried
25:10unfortunately he is called death to the west
25:14i saw an amazing street performer the other day he was dressed as a policeman he was kicking
25:32a ball into a tree
25:44he was amazing by the way he tried for about half an hour and he couldn't get it down he had
25:48he had he had to go and knock on the door of the guy who owned on the on the tree the tree was in his yard
25:54because we were now in an irish folk song because there was drugs in the drone the drone the tree the tree in the yard
26:02i swear the drunkest man i've ever seen it was christmas it was christmas week and he was buckled right
26:08and then the little man walks out of the outside and he goes jesus two guards identical twins both joined the guard d
26:14there's one guard in front of you
26:16and the guard go and he goes jesus what's the story with the metal drone
26:20and he goes there's a drone stuck in the tree we're gonna need to poke it down
26:24what's the longest thing you have in the house the guard says
26:26lord of the rings
26:36and it is he got it down eventually and it's my dying wish that i should my regret forever i didn't go up to that guard
26:42i should have gone up to him i only thought of it afterwards
26:44i should have gone up what are you doing what are you doing trying to knock stuff down out of trees like this
26:48surely there should be an elite unit in the guard to try and get stuff down out of trees
26:52he'll be like who special ranch
26:56thank you thank you very much for that just time for a quickfire round i will read you various newspaper headlines and i want you to be faster than tara hunter mla going to the loo
27:12standards falling in fertility clinic one star review on snip advisor
27:18don't pull the plug my grandmother's last words
27:26the royal nutcracker charles reveals what he's gonna do to andrew
27:32prehistoric man could be brought back to life first question have they finished the a5 yet
27:38why the saber-toothed tiger died out because despite hunting everywhere it couldn't find an nhs dentist
27:52do you love camper vans i prefer manlier ones
28:00and finally crabs migrate annually annually sorry
28:16that's it ladies and gentlemen that's the end of the show please show your appreciation to our panel colin murphy
28:30milton jones diana doherty and neil delamere
28:34and i'm tim mcgarry until next week don't blame yourselves blame each other goodbye
28:48i'm
28:50i'm
29:04no
29:08i'm
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