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00:00:30明镜与点点栏目
00:01:00明镜与点点栏目
00:01:30明镜与点点栏目
00:01:59明镜与点点栏目
00:02:29I've recently I've been put in charge of all family gatherings anything that requires a family to get together in bulk
00:02:36I make it happen family reunions functions dinners it all goes to me
00:02:40I would be a liar if I told you guys that it wasn't annoying because it can be
00:02:44my nephew just came to me and he said oh I got something I want to tell the family
00:02:48but they can only hear from me can you help me get the family together in the same room
00:02:51I said I got you I go call the family we all get together we go to a restaurant
00:02:55I got a private room at the restaurant
00:02:57when we walk into the private room my nephew stands up he goes I bought y'all hair because I want y'all to know that I'm gay
00:03:02it was quick
00:03:03it was quick he didn't even let us sit down and eat it was fucking quick
00:03:09and when he said it nobody said nothing everybody was quiet
00:03:13I said fuck somebody's got to say something somebody's got to break the ice
00:03:17because I'm now in charge I got to be the one to say something
00:03:21I said nephew listen I think I can speak for the entire family
00:03:26wee right yeah all of us when I say that we as a family
00:03:33um
00:03:37it say look listen
00:03:40I think it's safe to say that we um
00:03:44that that we know like nobody's shocked
00:03:49nobody's shocked by this information
00:03:53like when he said it he had on a halter top like a little tube top
00:03:57it said my booty hold brown that's what it said
00:04:02yeah of course you're fucking gay
00:04:05alright
00:04:06we don't give a shit we're family we love you
00:04:10my aunt tried to ride that same wave
00:04:13my aunt stood up she said look since we being honest with each other
00:04:15I want y'all to know that I've been struggling with my weight
00:04:17I feel like I'm suffering from obesity
00:04:19again it's quiet nobody says nothing it's quiet
00:04:23I'm like fuck I got to break the ice again I got to say something again
00:04:28I said Pat sit your fat ass down
00:04:31and I said that
00:04:33and I did I said that
00:04:35sit your fat ass down Pat
00:04:37that's not a new fat Pat that's the same fucking fat
00:04:41Pat been fat since I was 12 that's the same
00:04:45fucking fat Pat
00:04:47sit your big ass down ain't no fucking obesity
00:04:52it's tough keeping a family together
00:04:57a lot of work
00:04:58a lot of work you gotta have a lot of patience man
00:05:01you know even in your household
00:05:02I'm a father of four
00:05:03I've talked about my kids throughout my career
00:05:05a lot of pressure on me as a celebrity father
00:05:08I gotta be honest
00:05:09I feel like I put the pressure on myself though
00:05:11I do
00:05:12you know why
00:05:13because I feel like
00:05:14I feel like at least one of my kids
00:05:16has to make it
00:05:17right
00:05:17I'm not expecting to go four for four
00:05:19I'm not
00:05:21I'm not
00:05:22I think any parents in here that has four more kids
00:05:24like you know
00:05:25the kids that are going to make it
00:05:26and the ones that aren't
00:05:27like you know
00:05:29you can tell
00:05:30hey look this nigga right here
00:05:31hey
00:05:33get the bail money ready for this one
00:05:35I don't know
00:05:38I just you know what it is man
00:05:39I don't want to pitch a dud
00:05:41I don't want to be one of those celebrities
00:05:43that pitch the dud
00:05:45a lot of these celebrities have kids
00:05:46these kids grow up
00:05:47but don't do shit with these resources
00:05:49that they have available at their fingertips
00:05:51I don't want that to happen to my kids
00:05:52I want them to take advantage
00:05:53of the opportunities that they have in front of them
00:05:55I don't want to pitch a fucking dud
00:05:57I can tell you
00:05:58some celebrities that have pitched a dud
00:06:00you don't think about it the way I do
00:06:01I think about it
00:06:02I can tell you
00:06:03I don't give a shit
00:06:04I'll be honest
00:06:04this is one of the reasons
00:06:05why I took your phones
00:06:07so I can be fucking honest
00:06:10so I can be honest
00:06:11say how I fucking feel
00:06:14if you tell anybody
00:06:15I'll deny it
00:06:15I'll fucking deny it
00:06:20I'ma tell you who I feel
00:06:21pitched a dud
00:06:22I'ma tell you
00:06:26Michael Jordan
00:06:27Michael Jordan
00:06:28kitch the fucking dud
00:06:32I don't care what you say
00:06:33Michael knows it
00:06:34I know he fucking knows it
00:06:35if you don't think
00:06:36Michael Jordan gets an attitude
00:06:38every time he sees
00:06:39Dell Curry
00:06:39celebrating on the sideline
00:06:41with Steph Curry
00:06:42and Seth Curry
00:06:43you ever see
00:06:43Dell Curry
00:06:44watch again
00:06:46Dell Curry
00:06:47like look at my sons
00:06:48and it'd be
00:06:50Michael just gotta look down
00:06:51on the other end of the couch
00:06:52at Marcus and Jeffrey
00:06:54look at you two
00:06:55aint shit niggas
00:06:57just sitting here
00:06:58coming up with
00:06:59different color Jordan
00:07:00combinations
00:07:01and playing fortnight
00:07:02every fucking day
00:07:03look at you
00:07:07this is also a good time
00:07:08to tell y'all
00:07:08like
00:07:09me and Michael Jordan
00:07:10don't really get along
00:07:11so a lot of this stuff
00:07:12is
00:07:12comes from a weird
00:07:15place man
00:07:15Michael's had a attitude
00:07:16with me for years
00:07:18years Michael's been
00:07:19pissed at me
00:07:20cause I hosted
00:07:20a celebrity event
00:07:21for him years ago
00:07:22and he came in late
00:07:23he walked in late
00:07:24during the event
00:07:25and I had two in the chamber
00:07:26I don't know
00:07:26where they came from
00:07:27but I saw him
00:07:28hit him with a quick one
00:07:29pap
00:07:29it was quick
00:07:30but it was all in fun
00:07:31everybody knows
00:07:32Michael Jordan's a horrible
00:07:33dresser
00:07:33horrible dresser
00:07:36some of the worst jeans
00:07:36Ive ever seen in my life
00:07:37have been worn
00:07:38by michael jordan
00:07:39huge back pockets
00:07:41really big back pockets
00:07:43you can put a Dell
00:07:44computer in his back pocket
00:07:47God damn Mike
00:07:48is that a fucking Dell
00:07:49computer in your back pocket
00:07:50God damn Mike
00:07:54that a fucking motor
00:07:55bead me up
00:07:55God damn
00:07:57he came in late
00:07:58I hit him with one quick
00:08:00I said Michael Jordan
00:08:01dresses like a pregnant lesbian
00:08:02I don't know where it came from
00:08:05cause he had his pants up
00:08:06real high
00:08:06covering his chest
00:08:07he had that little fat thing
00:08:09that little food pie thing
00:08:09sticking out
00:08:11I haven't talked to him since
00:08:12I haven't talked to him since then
00:08:15I don't really give a shit
00:08:17I don't really care
00:08:18who likes me or who doesn't
00:08:19I'm at a point in my life
00:08:20where it's very hard
00:08:21to irritate me
00:08:2245 years old man
00:08:23older you get
00:08:24the less fucks you give
00:08:25it's a true statement
00:08:27it's a true statement
00:08:30the older you get
00:08:31the less fucks you give
00:08:33it was not about my family
00:08:34or forward progression
00:08:35in my life
00:08:35it doesn't get any
00:08:36in my time or attention
00:08:38honestly
00:08:39i'm not the same man
00:08:39that i used to be
00:08:40me and my friends
00:08:41we've all changed
00:08:42God i remember back in the day
00:08:44how we were
00:08:44we used to talk about
00:08:45the same shit
00:08:46every day all day
00:08:47we're the bitches
00:08:47we're the clubs
00:08:48we're the drinks
00:08:49we're the bitches
00:08:49we're the clubs
00:08:50we're the drinks
00:08:51we're the drinks
00:08:51we're the clubs
00:08:52we're the bitches
00:08:52we're the bitches
00:08:52we're the bitches
00:08:53we're the clubs
00:08:53everyday
00:08:5645 is different
00:08:57all we talk about now
00:08:58is injuries and medicine
00:09:00this is real shit
00:09:01it's real shit
00:09:03after 40 you stay hurt
00:09:05i don't know what it is man
00:09:07you stay hurt
00:09:07but you just don't know
00:09:08how it happened
00:09:10every conversation you have
00:09:11starts off with a question
00:09:12about an injury
00:09:13that you don't know
00:09:13how it got there
00:09:14i fucked my goddamn neck up today
00:09:17i don't know what i did to my goddamn neck
00:09:20everybody cares about your injury after 40
00:09:22everybody want to help
00:09:23what you think you did
00:09:24i don't know what the fuck i did to my neck
00:09:26i think i'm looking at the signs
00:09:27on the highway too long
00:09:28because i'm doing this
00:09:29but then i'm like
00:09:30tracing it back like this
00:09:32everybody want to tell you what you need
00:09:34after 40
00:09:34everybody think they're a doctor
00:09:36you got to get you some turmeric
00:09:37get some turmeric
00:09:38some fish oil
00:09:39rub some fish oil on your neck
00:09:41take a tablespoon of garlic bite of onion
00:09:43put your left foot in a bucket of hot water
00:09:45stand there for 10 minutes
00:09:47what the fuck you think i'm a vampire
00:09:48what the fuck are you talking about
00:09:52you stay hurt after 40
00:09:54here's the crazy thing about getting injured after 40
00:09:56you never make it back to 100
00:09:59you lose a piece of yourself with every single injury
00:10:01you do not make it back to 100
00:10:04here's proof
00:10:05look at this arm
00:10:06all the way up
00:10:07see that
00:10:08right there
00:10:08all the way
00:10:09not this side
00:10:10there it is
00:10:11right there
00:10:12right there
00:10:14showed the doctor
00:10:14you know what the doctor said
00:10:15he said just use the other side
00:10:17i said
00:10:17bitch fix it
00:10:20got me out here uneven
00:10:22fucking fix it
00:10:25i'm so envious to this younger generation
00:10:28these younger kids get hurt
00:10:29they bounce right back
00:10:31i was playing basketball with these kids man
00:10:33one of the kids twisted his ankle
00:10:34his fucking ankle hit the fucking floor
00:10:36i saw it
00:10:37twisted his ankle
00:10:38his ankle was on the fucking court
00:10:39bow
00:10:40i said oh shit
00:10:41that's got to be broke
00:10:42he broke that bitch
00:10:43i know he broke it
00:10:45you know what he did
00:10:46you know how he fixed it in real time
00:10:47he bent down
00:10:48tied his shoe up tight
00:10:50jumped up
00:10:51he said i'm good
00:10:55i said i'm good i'm good i'm gonna finish the game
00:10:57i said finish the game
00:11:02you can't do no shit like that after 40
00:11:06you twist your fucking ankle
00:11:07your ankle hit that goddamn court
00:11:08the next day you in that boot
00:11:10you got that fucking boot on
00:11:14what's up y'all
00:11:15what's up
00:11:17goddamn joe
00:11:18i thought you twisted your ankle
00:11:20so did i
00:11:23turns out it's my meniscus and my achilles
00:11:27that started my sciatica
00:11:28they say i'm out for eight months
00:11:30eight months
00:11:33eight months goddamn joe
00:11:35they say i sat down too fast
00:11:48y'all gotta stop sitting down so fast
00:11:50and y'all go out there
00:11:51y'all gotta slow down
00:11:52goddamn joe
00:11:56it's too easy to get hurt
00:11:59i don't think people understand
00:12:00how easy it is to get hurt
00:12:02i was walking down the stairs the other day
00:12:04i slipped down the last three steps
00:12:07i didn't fall
00:12:07i healed it
00:12:09you know that shit when you do that
00:12:11you know what i'm talking about
00:12:13like oh no
00:12:14like that shit right there
00:12:16scared the fuck out of myself
00:12:19by the way i would much rather fall
00:12:21i would much rather fall
00:12:23cause if you fall it's over with
00:12:26this shit right here
00:12:27you thinking about
00:12:29you thinking about how bad it's gonna be
00:12:31when you finally go down
00:12:34i'm about to fuck my head up
00:12:35on the goddamn step
00:12:41you end up hurting people
00:12:42poor lady in front of me
00:12:43i pushed this old bitch down the stairs
00:12:47i panicked
00:12:50all i heard was
00:12:51ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
00:13:00stairs are dangerous
00:13:03i don't know why we need so many
00:13:06so many fucking stairs everywhere you go
00:13:09going up them is fine
00:13:10going down is the problem
00:13:12order you get it gets scary
00:13:14i was with my son the other day
00:13:15my son was going down the steps
00:13:16i've never seen anything like it
00:13:17this nigga was skipping stairs
00:13:19going down
00:13:23this gotta be a fucking avenger
00:13:24i ain't never seen nobody needs
00:13:27what kind of needs does my son have
00:13:31i go down the stairs sideways
00:13:33oh do you get the change right here
00:13:37go ahead you in the rush
00:13:38go around go around
00:13:40am i gonna hurt myself
00:13:42fucking with y'all go ahead
00:13:43to easy to get hurt
00:13:50i stepped in the shower the other day
00:13:51my leg got away from me
00:13:53oh my god
00:13:55scared the shit out of me
00:13:56got a lot of distance
00:13:57in between my fucking legs
00:13:59i ain't never had that much distance
00:14:01in between my fucking legs before
00:14:03oh my god
00:14:06you don't respect all that shit
00:14:08that you can grab onto in the shower
00:14:09until you need it
00:14:10you don't respect that
00:14:12all those bars
00:14:13cause you don't know why
00:14:14them bars are there in the shower
00:14:15until you fucking need it
00:14:17let me tell you something
00:14:17i slipped
00:14:18almost cracked my fucking head
00:14:20grabbed that little bar
00:14:21i said thank you
00:14:22save a little nigga life bar
00:14:25yeah
00:14:27that's what that is
00:14:29that's to save a little
00:14:30nigga life
00:14:32here's the funny part
00:14:34i missed the big one
00:14:35i tried to grab the big one
00:14:37i missed that bitch
00:14:38had to grab the
00:14:40the fucking little one
00:14:42oh my god
00:14:44i never knew
00:14:44that's why the two bars were there
00:14:48i got a fear
00:14:49of falling in the shower
00:14:51i think that's probably
00:14:52like one of the worst injuries
00:14:53that you can fucking get
00:14:54falling in the shower
00:14:55oh my god
00:14:57here's my fear
00:14:58falling and hurting myself
00:14:59to the point where i can't move
00:15:00but i fall
00:15:01underneath the shower head
00:15:02and the water
00:15:03the water
00:15:05the water keep coming down
00:15:07and i gotta sit there
00:15:08and fight for my life
00:15:09for six hours
00:15:12for six hours
00:15:13and i'm like
00:15:25that's how they find me
00:15:27with a little dick
00:15:30cause i've been in the
00:15:30fucking water for six hours
00:15:34oh my god
00:15:35can you imagine
00:15:38you about to die
00:15:38the last thing you hear
00:15:39somebody say is
00:15:40eeww look at this dick
00:15:41eeww
00:15:43oh my fucking god
00:15:46shoot me man
00:15:49why does dick look like that
00:15:51eeww
00:15:51wash rags sticking out your ass
00:15:56cause it's the last thing you washed
00:15:58little piece of shit on the rags
00:16:01eeww
00:16:02there's shit on that rag
00:16:04little shitty button
00:16:05little dick man
00:16:06i ain't touching him
00:16:08fucking diet
00:16:13you know why i think like this
00:16:15because of my last injury
00:16:17my last injury
00:16:17fucked me up real bad man
00:16:19i basically broke my dick
00:16:20i don't know a better way to explain it
00:16:23be very honest tonight
00:16:24it's a show full of transparency
00:16:26i injured myself during the foot race
00:16:29not on the track
00:16:30not where you run through a ribbon
00:16:32and you get an award at the end of the race
00:16:34no
00:16:35two drunk niggas in the middle of the street
00:16:362am
00:16:38i raced an ex nfl running back for no reason
00:16:42it was an impromptu run
00:16:44we was at a cookout
00:16:45over heard him talking at the bar
00:16:47he was talking about football
00:16:48he was like man
00:16:49i swear i missed the game of football
00:16:51life ain't the same without football
00:16:53swear to god man
00:16:54i would do anything to get back out there on that field
00:16:55i feel like i lost a piece of myself
00:16:57when i stopped playing football
00:16:58i missed the game
00:16:59for no reason
00:17:00i said
00:17:00bitch i'll smoke your ass in the foot race right now
00:17:05he said what
00:17:07he said kevin are you serious you want to race
00:17:08i said yeah i want to race
00:17:09bitch let's go
00:17:12he said kevin you want to race we can race
00:17:13there were so many signs that i ignored
00:17:19i said kevin don't go through with this race
00:17:22the first signs that i ignored was how he was stretching versus how i was stretching
00:17:27he had so many stretches he was doing like some deep
00:17:29fucking hip bends like this
00:17:31he had some like groin shit he was doing
00:17:34he was doing knees i call them ice cream scoops i don't even know what the fuck these are
00:17:38s doing some butt kicks he had like five minutes of stretches
00:17:42i went out that bitch and shook my legs twice bow bow let's go
00:17:47let's go
00:17:51the worst things you can have after 40 are friends the same age
00:17:54friends 40 and above are horrible because no matter what dumbass decision you decide to make
00:17:58they're going to support you and ride with you regardless
00:18:01when i shook my legs twice i said bow bow my friends was like yeah
00:18:08get him cat
00:18:11about to smoke his ass
00:18:18i told him out the gate i said look man you're a professional athlete
00:18:21so i know you got technique
00:18:23and because of your technique you probably feel like you got advantage but you don't
00:18:27because of my raw talent and my natural ability to run i will catch your ass
00:18:32here's my secret when i run my secret is that i keep my fingers real close together like this and i
00:18:37and i chuck through the fucking wind like
00:18:52i treat the wind like a piece of cake when i fucking run i chop
00:18:57everybody get a piece of cake when i fucking run
00:18:58everybody else running with their fingers open look you're getting all that wind look at that all that
00:19:04fucking wind all that wind not me not me look at that look at that
00:19:11we sent the little boy down the other end of the block little boy had to hold his arms up like this
00:19:14when the boy dropped his arms down that meant it was time to race
00:19:18we on starting line just like i thought he had technique i knew he had technique
00:19:22he had one hand down like this he had this arm up like this he had his head like that
00:19:28i had what i like to refer to as a street nigger star it's when you don't you don't have no
00:19:33just trying to get a little jump on him that's all
00:19:39oh my god
00:19:41l boy was down the other end of the block on your mark he said he dropped his hands bow it's time to go
00:19:46he got out the gates on me now when i run i start off with my head down right start off with my head
00:19:51down and then i eventually pick my head up every time i pick my head up we're either side by side
00:19:57or i'm in front of you by a little bit it's never failed i've never had a race where we haven't
00:20:00been side by side or i've been in front of you by a little bit but the first time ever i pick my head
00:20:05up i saw the back of his head oh my god i'm fucking losing oh my god something's off something's got
00:20:12to be wrong there's no way i'm fucking losing something's wrong i look at my fingers they
00:20:17was open a little bit i didn't have my fingers closed up all the way i had to close them up
00:20:24older you get the more noise you make when you run yeah
00:20:32my friends they yelling from the side come on cav get it up get your knees up cab extend
00:20:37heal the toe extend i'm trying i can't catch him eight steps left in the race guys i'm talking to myself
00:20:46come on cav get your knees up man turn it over cav come on second to last step i felt it just like
00:20:53that i felt it you know what it felt like it felt like my dick flew off my body and went in a bush
00:21:02it felt like my dick left my body and went in a bush
00:21:06i stopped running immediately ah ah i made that dumb ass face people make when they get hurt and
00:21:15they make eye contact with somebody
00:21:27my trainer knew right away my trainer said can you good absolutely not i'm up man
00:21:31you can tell how hurt you are by who you asked for after the injury all my friends are standing
00:21:37right there i said go get my wife right now where y'all go get my wife
00:21:41when you ask for your wife that mean you want to get your life affairs in order you want to sign
00:21:44paperwork the family trust the will i don't give a fuck what it is my dick is in the bush i don't
00:21:49want to live anymore i'm not living without a dick my dick is in the bush
00:21:53they went to go get my wife my wife came out hot had an attitude
00:22:01head bobbing side to side as soon as she saw me she said what the
00:22:05the fuck your stupid ass done did now
00:22:26i need you to do me a favor and go look in that bush and see if you see my dick
00:22:29what go look in the bush and see if you see my dick
00:22:37your dick ain't in no bush my dick is in the bush
00:22:41because i'm small she grabbed me right away come here come in that's your dick right there i feel
00:22:46your dick right there impossible that's all balls what you just felt is all balls
00:22:53my dick is in the bush i'm not arguing with you about where my dick is i'm calling a doctor right now
00:23:00i called my doctor doc this is bad i can't walk doc there's a chance that my dick is in the bush i
00:23:06took a picture of the bush just in case we got to come back to get it because my wife won't help me
00:23:09look for it i'm coming to the hospital doc and i'm coming through the back i don't want nobody to
00:23:14see me like this get a gurney get a stretcher i can't walk he said kevin i got you true story people
00:23:20my friends picked me up put me in the passenger seat we pull up at the hospital this is my worst nightmare
00:23:25it's like an episode of one of those really bad hospital tv shows they
00:23:28fucking show up they got the gurney they put me on the gurney they start rushing me through the
00:23:31hospital they're cutting my pants from the bottom saying those weird hospital sentences that don't
00:23:36make sense give me three tce's with eight suvs i don't know what the they're saying
00:23:41i don't know what they're saying
00:23:44somebody yells out we got to give him an mri give him an mri so we can see what's going on
00:23:49i don't know what it is about the mri machine but i can't take it but i'm never honest about it i lie
00:23:54every time they put me in the mri machine my doctor came out he's like can you good to go
00:23:58absolutely doc let it rip he closed the door i start hearing the beeps beep-bop boop boop boop
00:24:04i lost it i put my hands on the glass i said they're trying to take my dna
00:24:14i fucking lost it they had to put me to sleep
00:24:18they put me to sleep i came to my doctor was very honest with me he said kevin that's exactly
00:24:24what you thought it was you messed yourself up pretty bad kevin he said kevin you tore both your
00:24:29adductors i tore both of them tears real tears instantly i'm crying i'm a fucking mess
00:24:41the reason why i was crying is because i had no idea what that was i've never heard that before
00:24:45i've never heard it so i assumed the worst what are you saying doc i don't have ovaries
00:24:50did you take my ovaries you son of a did you take my ovaries from me
00:25:00it was a sad day i got a wheelchair that day i was in a wheelchair for six weeks people
00:25:08they gave me the hospital wheelchair which is possibly the worst wheelchair that money can buy
00:25:12it's the one that you gotta fold you gotta fold it but you gotta be strong as
00:25:18shit you gotta really the only way you get it flat you gotta punch the seat
00:25:25the brakes are behind the wheels you gotta step on the brakes real hard
00:25:31i have so much more respect for people in wheelchairs after being in a wheelchair
00:25:35you know as i said more i've always had respect for people in wheelchairs
00:25:38i just have more respect now you know what it is it's all about the wheelchair handler
00:25:44you get a bad wheelchair handler life in a wheelchair can be shit you need a good wheelchair handler
00:25:51my handle was horrible horrible my first handler horrible my first handler was my wife what a
00:25:58bitch out the gate i'm gonna say it is what it is i'm being honest day one in the wheelchair i get home
00:26:04she rolled me in front of the window locked the back brakes said i'll be back seven hours left me
00:26:10in front of that window seven hours i don't know the last time you looked out a window for seven hours
00:26:16but i saw everything that day it was like a black episode of misery i don't know what the
00:26:22was going on pissing and shitting on myself nobody changed me what the is this
00:26:28life in a wheelchair was tough man i didn't want my wife anymore i said you know what i want my son
00:26:35now i want to use my son my son is going to be a better handler my son was no better he played too
00:26:43much my son would do like push your wheelchair out in front of him real far to hear run jump on the back
00:26:49make my pop up let me tell you something there's no greater fear than the fear of somebody
00:26:54push you in a wheelchair letting you go and you see traffic hey hey that's how i found out why
00:27:04they wore gloves i never knew why people in wheelchairs wore gloves i thought it was because
00:27:09they had an attitude they were sick of people that day i saw traffic i panicked i tried to stop the
00:27:15wheels with my bare hands i burnt a hole in my palm i burnt the hole in my palm when it happened there
00:27:21was another man in the wheelchair across the street soon as i happened he looked at me he said you
00:27:24better get you some gloves little man i went home told my wife i gotta get some gloves look out there
00:27:31in my palm i burnt the hole in my palm i gotta get some gloves she said i don't got no gloves i got
00:27:35some mittens upstairs you can use those mittens i get the mittens we go outside later that night
00:27:41he's rolling i see the same man in the wheelchair that told me to get the gloves i tried to show him
00:27:45gloves i said hey man i appreciate you looking out for me telling me to protect my hands like this
00:27:50means the world that we fucking sticking together like this man apparently this is disrespectful
00:27:55in the wheelchair community this means something he got mad he said you ain't gonna put your thumb
00:28:00in nobody's ass over here what the are you talking about anybody trying to put their thumb
00:28:06in your ass i'm saying thank you for the love i'm saying thank you he said you think it's a game
00:28:13bitch he charged me it's my first wheelchair fight i've never been in the wheelchair fight
00:28:21so i didn't know what to do and i couldn't move because my son had my back brakes locked so i had
00:28:25i had to brace for impact i was we we was looking at each other and ah
00:28:33fucking knocked me out the chair oh my god i got up i'm pissed i'm like oh man who the
00:28:37fuck you ramming like that people were watching somebody yelled out he thinking he can move his leg
00:28:42he said i'm not faking i'm not faking i got abducted i don't have ovaries they took my ovaries
00:28:53you don't know what it's like to not have ovaries i don't have any ovaries
00:29:01you guys are laughing but this is my life
00:29:02i started walking again in six and a half weeks walking because we're being honest
00:29:15very transparent tonight i had a thought when i was walking i realized that over
00:29:19the last six weeks that my dick didn't get hard one time this is a true story
00:29:23oh my god what if this is life now oh my god what if this is now my new norm what if my wife
00:29:30what the fuck and i can't because my dick don't work oh my god here's the thing about me i don't
00:29:35have anxiety but when i get it i got it i felt like i had it right so i started to spiral a little
00:29:42bit i'm fucking spiraling i went out i got a dick pill true story there's no shame in my game about
00:29:49admitting that i took a dick pill before i feel like every man should take a dick pill at some point
00:29:54time in their life and hit their lady with a piece of dick to dick i really do feel that way
00:29:58i don't think you should tell her don't tell her when you take a dick pill
00:30:03my wife has no idea that i took a dick pill i mean she will once she sees this set of course but as
00:30:09of right now she doesn't know it's all about understanding the rules all about understanding
00:30:14the context behind the dick pill you get the right dick pill you can get three good days out of a dick
00:30:18pill rule number one is that you can't believe the hype make sure you understand that fellas don't
00:30:25believe the hype that's not you it's the dick pill you understand that it's not you it's the dick pill
00:30:32don't try to merge your regular dick after your dick pill dick those are two different versions of
00:30:37dick you're gonna get your feelings hurt she gonna with your self-esteem
00:30:43you gotta know how to break the days down day one on a dick pill is all about setting the tone
00:30:48setting the foundation you know seeing system she don't you gotta talk
00:30:52shit you keep walking around here stomping your goddamn feet you're gonna get what you asking for
00:30:59because you must have forgot who the i am and what i'm capable of i'm about to toss your ass up in
00:31:03here you keep playing with me you won't get a goddamn blast from the past whatever kevin whatever
00:31:10you always talking shit whatever you always talking shit
00:31:17in the day one you do exactly what you said you're gonna do you give out the best pizza dick pill dick
00:31:20that you've ever given in your life day two is all about the follow through what i tell you i was
00:31:26gonna do didn't i tell you i was gonna do that i can do that whenever i want it's like a light switch
00:31:30i can flick it on flick it off the reason why you don't get that dick all the time is because
00:31:34you don't know how to act that's why you don't get that dick all the time you start acting right
00:31:39you'll get that dick more often i don't act right i don't act right i don't act right
00:31:46tell me what i gotta do to act right you can start by shutting the up
00:31:52you're a different man with a dick pill in your system you're not the same version of yourself that
00:32:05you are without your trash talk is even different you're saying shit you didn't even know you were
00:32:09capable of saying what's my goddamn name kevin no no what's my full name the way it is on my birth
00:32:18certificate kevin darnell heart kevin darnell heart kevin darnell heart yeah yeah
00:32:30what's my social security number what i don't think i don't even know what's my social security
00:32:36number you better say it before i take this dick out no i take this dick out oh god
00:32:43one seven four three two two two one yeah yeah raise your hand if you loving this dick
00:32:57you can't follow that with your regular dick you will get your feelings hurt
00:33:02right out the gate she will hit you with a gut punch as soon as you put it in
00:33:08is it hard all the way it don't feel like it did yesterday
00:33:11bitch what you just say to me
00:33:15bitch what you just say it don't feel like it did yesterday it don't feel like it's got the same
00:33:19amount of blood in it that it had in me yesterday you said if i act right i can get that dick whenever i
00:33:25want and i've been acting right here let me help you let me help you get more blood in it kevin darnell heart
00:33:32kevin darnell heart kevin darnell heart can't stop saying my full fucking name
00:33:39the fuck you saying my full name for like that one seven four three two two two
00:33:45bitch stop saying my social security number you wearing a wire who the
00:33:49fuck you work for i want that thing i want that thing put your fucking hand down
00:33:56now it's went in reverse now you're soft oh my god you just went soft in the session with the
00:34:06woman you love holy this is bad this is bad as it gets this is ground zero level 10 stage of panic
00:34:14you got to do what you can to save the session as you gotta hit your lady with the squeeze and squish
00:34:18so you know what the squeeze and squish is the squeeze and squish is your last resort that's your last
00:34:24resort and saving the session that's when you gotta squeeze the base with everything you got
00:34:28try to get enough blood at the top so you can pop the seal that's when you turn into a transformer
00:34:36just looking for a little reaction
00:34:41what's happening shut up shut up throwing me off
00:34:49every man in this room knows what i'm talking about you just didn't know what to call it
00:34:52it's to squeeze and squish you're welcome
00:34:56women are gonna go home tonight are you squeezing squishing me that feels very squeezing squishes
00:35:09you know what my problem was i think i think my problem was my dick pill provider
00:35:15my problem was where i was getting the dick pills from because i didn't want to go to the doctor i didn't
00:35:20want to get a prescription for dick pills i felt that was too aggressive getting a prescription for
00:35:25dick pills jesus christ i mean god what happens when he cancels your subscription like you you can't do
00:35:31it anymore you no longer get a prescription because the doctor canceled it that's embarrassing what's
00:35:36that conversation like no i know i know i know doc i'm not even like that no more i swear to god this
00:35:44this is it this is gonna be my last time don't leave me out there like that i just can't see
00:35:50myself in that situation i was getting my dick pills from the gas station um i was it didn't happen
00:35:58on purpose it was an impromptu purchase i went to go get some gas went inside to get some chips they
00:36:04had the dick pills right next to the chips i said it i took it right there
00:36:07i drank a c4 energy drink felt it right away
00:36:16my problem was the gas station clerk i had so many questions for the gas station clerk
00:36:20i told you guys i got a little anxiety i was treating the gas station clerk like a doctor i had
00:36:24so much i wanted to know i said excuse me excuse me can you tell me the difference between the rhino xl
00:36:31and the silverback 45 pro what's the difference of those two oh okay so you like the rhino okay okay
00:36:38i'm allergic to shellfish anything i need to worry about no i'll be fine okay
00:36:45how do your customers feel do you feel like you get repeat customers do they come back and buy more
00:36:49after they buy it do they say they love it and come back and get it again he told me flat out
00:36:53he said i got one guy that comes in here buys every dick pill we have he leaves with him in his
00:36:57back pocket i said there's only one back pocket big enough to fit that many dick pills
00:37:04michael jordan you son of a b**ch michael dick pill jordan you son of a b**ch
00:37:19mike gonna kill me when you see this set i can't wait you're gonna f**king kill me
00:37:22y'all gonna read about me and mike fighting in the streets i'm just gonna keep punching him
00:37:27in his back pocket f**k you mike f**k you man i know where the computer is
00:37:36i really am afraid of being addicted to pills that's a real fear of mine the reason why is because
00:37:42i'm a 45 year old black man this is where health and wellness comes into play man take care of
00:37:46yourselves people take care of yourselves while you can make the choice do not wait until you
00:37:52don't have a choice let that sink in take care of yourself while you can make the f**king choice
00:37:57health and wellness is very serious it is it is
00:38:04the reason why i'm so big while taking care of myself is because a lot of s**t is in my family
00:38:09a lot of s**t my family's f**ked up man name it they got it diabetes f**king cancer high blood
00:38:16pressure hypertension gout i mean strokes left and right you name it they're f**king battling it i don't
00:38:23want to be that guy so i'm trying to f**king prevent it i'm trying to change myself now so i don't have
00:38:27to do it later that's what i'm trying to do that's the goal uh i'll i'll say to my friends my friends are
00:38:37probably the dumbest people in the world when it comes to understanding health and wellness my
00:38:41friends have no respect for health and wellness actually spank may be the dumbest when it comes
00:38:46to understanding health and wellness we're at dinner this is like a month ago spank drank a glass of wine
00:38:50right after he got done with wine he said goddamn every time i drink wine i get dizzy as s**t my
00:38:56eyes get blurry i can't feel my hand the left side of my face feel like it get long my arm is numb
00:39:02i can't feel my leg my foot feel like it's got spikes coming in it i said b**ch you're having a
00:39:08stroke this is a stroke he said i'm all right i'm just gonna go home and lay down and drink some ginger
00:39:14ale i said what i'm gonna lay down and drink some ginger ale i really want to meet the person
00:39:21responsible for convincing black people that ginger ale is medicine i want to meet you i want to meet you so i
00:39:27i can punch you in the f**king throat it's not medicine it's f**king soda it's soda you want to know
00:39:35it's not in ginger ale ginger how about we start there people f**king ginger people got f**king small
00:39:42bottles of ginger ale in their medicine cabinet you f**king idiots it's soda my friends swear by ginger ale
00:39:50they swear by it my friend harry his knee's been messed up for over 10 years i know it's his meniscus i know
00:39:57it is as harry was wrong with his knee he goes i slept wrong i just gotta let it loosen up spank goes you
00:40:04gotta drink some ginger ale harry goes word this is a true story harry goes word he said i'm telling you
00:40:09drink some ginger ale harry orders the ginger ale drinks it stands up he goes oh s**t yeah yeah yeah yeah
00:40:15yeah yeah i feel that you lying b**ch telling me you feel bubbles in your f**king knee you don't feel s**t
00:40:28health and wellness all comes down to what you can eat versus what you can't
00:40:32there's the battle people lose every day some people understand it some people don't
00:40:36what can you eat versus what you can't old people don't give a f**k
00:40:40old people do not give a f**k you ever try to correct the old person well you know the s**t they
00:40:45can't have come on grandpop you know you can't eat that salt mother f**ker i know
00:40:51they don't give a f**k about you or the doctor
00:40:54they don't give a f**k
00:40:56i already know what i can have and i know what i can't
00:40:59i love the spicy chicken sandwich from chick-fil-a i can't eat it though i love it i think it's the best
00:41:04sandwich in the world but i can't eat it the sandwich is undefeated it's never lost the battle to my body
00:41:09never every time i eat that sandwich it comes out my ass like a buckshot one shot one shot there it is
00:41:18there it is i don't even look back i know it's a mess i know it's a f**king mess back there
00:41:27you know what pisses me off about that sandwich i know i chew it i chew the f**k out that sandwich
00:41:32somehow that b**ch put itself back together and comes out my a** whole
00:41:37the bun be on the back of the toilet seat the chicken patty on the goddamn floor
00:41:43i gotta put the b**ch back together and put it in the toilet
00:41:47f**k that sandwich it's an a** fire it's a walking a** fire
00:41:50the older you get the less you can have your stomach f**king weakens the older you get you can't eat s**t no
00:42:02more if you really want to laugh go to dinner with old people go to dinner with old people so you can
00:42:07hear old people tell the waiters the s**t they can't have that be the simplest s**t excuse me is it
00:42:12lemon in that water uh-uh get it out of here i eat that lemon it's over for me for the month
00:42:19i'll be shitting for days i eat that lemon
00:42:25lemon make you s**t
00:42:29is it sesame seeds on that bun uh-uh get it out of here
00:42:34i eat a sesame seed i'm f**ked up for the year what for the year
00:42:39getting old is fun i can't wait to get like to the other side of old age it's all about knowing
00:42:50the version of old that you want to be i know the version of old that i want to be and i know the
00:42:54version that i do not want to be i've already had a talk with my family if i get to a certain level of
00:42:58old i don't want to live no more i don't want to be here i don't want to get to this point where where
00:43:03i'm like oh oh oh well you always look like somebody called you oh oh oh i don't want to
00:43:21f**king live if i get there you got to remind me all the s**t that i used to like
00:43:27grandpa you want some pancakes i want no goddamn pancakes but you love pancakes oh
00:43:33oh that's right i do love pancakes take me out back shoot me in the f**king head
00:43:45i ain't gonna be owing people to death oh oh
00:43:51somebody gonna lay that n***** down
00:43:55i don't want to get to that to that space where i need that pill box i don't want that either
00:44:00that long ass pill box with the days of the week on it i'd rather f**king die
00:44:05i'd rather die than pull that out my pocket at f**king dinner
00:44:10oh boy oh anybody know what day it is
00:44:17Thursday oh no i thought it was Tuesday huh shoot me
00:44:23i don't want to f**king be here
00:44:30if i can't blow out my birthday candles on my birthday cake i don't want to f**king be here
00:44:36that's the worst s**t that you can do to an old person
00:44:38old people turn 83 85 years old you get these big ass birthday cakes with all these f**king candles on it
00:44:45you got 85 candles on a birthday cake you come out happy birthday grandma blow out the candles
00:44:50you can do it grandma no she can't
00:45:03been here 45 minutes waiting on this b**t to blow these f**king candles out
00:45:07gotta go to work
00:45:12you can do it grandma
00:45:16i don't want to f**king be here
00:45:21i just want to get to that age where i can say whatever the f**k is on my mind
00:45:25that's the old that i want to be there's a certain level of old where you just start saying s**t you
00:45:29you don't care you're on the other side of f**king life some old people have done it right
00:45:34you know who did it right the legend quincy jones rest in peace to the legend himself
00:45:40quincy f**king jones
00:45:43oh my god man quincy got old just start saying s**t
00:45:50you want some comedy go watch quincy jones's last four or five interviews
00:45:54he just start saying s**t s**t that had nothing to do with the goddamn questions being asked
00:45:58quincy was on his own time he was doing his own s**t
00:46:03i watched the interview they said quincy tell us what music means to you he said i
00:46:07f**ked all the supremes hold on wait what jesus christ quincy wait i don't give a f**k
00:46:16you know what supreme stand for supreme p**sy i don't give a f**k
00:46:21i've been doing cocaine for 60 years oh s**t
00:46:24quincy stop stop talking
00:46:32think i give a f**k i got s**t that people need to know
00:46:36i know stuff
00:46:39here's a big one stevie wonder not blind he's been faking
00:46:45he's been faking this whole time stevie asked me years ago how can i compete with ray charles i said
00:46:51be better at being blind you know what stevie did that's what he did
00:46:54he can see them keys he can see them keys
00:47:12he's been faking
00:47:15joe that's enough no more joe no more
00:47:18i'm the one who told joe jackson to whoop them kids wait whoa
00:47:24he didn't miss a day he didn't miss a day
00:47:33i'm the one that bleached michael's skin i did it
00:47:51i did it he said he wanted to go solo i said you ain't gonna make it like that bleach i did
00:48:00that's a different level of old age i want to get there
00:48:19where you just start saying what the f**k you want i'm getting close
00:48:22you know this was a this was a joke i didn't know if i was gonna keep it or not but i'll tell you i'll
00:48:29i'll f**king put it in so remember the dinner that i told you guys about uh that i had with my family
00:48:35for my nephew right so at that dinner we got done eating the waiter comes out true story waiter comes
00:48:41out he goes hey you guys want dessert my family goes ham hell you want dessert give me the sweet
00:48:45potato pie i want the lemon meringue pie give me the triple air chocolate cake oh give me the red velvet
00:48:50cupcake oh f**k that give me that god damn that apple pie i'ma taste that yeah i'll taste a little
00:48:54bit of yours get the root beer float with extra float he said mr hart what about you you want
00:48:57something i said no i'm good i don't eat sweets my uncle got mad he said look at little hollywood
00:49:07look at little hollywood
00:49:11are you too good to eat some goddamn sweets with your f**king family
00:49:13because you mr perfect give me one reason why you can't eat no goddamn sweets with your f**king
00:49:19family why can't you enjoy dessert with your f**king family i said i don't know maybe because
00:49:26there's only a bunch of left feet under the table how about i start there huh think about it think about it
00:49:34you get it it's a diabetes joke it's a it's a diabetes joke so in black families when they get diabetes the
00:49:42the first thing they lose is their foot so i'm saying if you look under the table it's only a
00:49:47bunch of left feet because everybody got their right foot cut off you get it yeah
00:49:54see the beauty of the joke isn't the joke the joke is actually finding the white person
00:49:58that's confused after i say it
00:50:03the f**k are they cutting off this goddamn family's feet for
00:50:06she was so confused what what what
00:50:15i don't know if i can keep it though i don't know if i can keep the joke because my uncle my uncle
00:50:21really does have one foot he does i know i'm gonna have to see him again he's gonna have attitude
00:50:27oh you're a real funny nigger ain't you kevin
00:50:34you're a real funny nigger ain't you kevin
00:50:38give me one reason why i should come over there and put my goddamn foot in your ass right now
00:50:42he just got his leg cut off it just happened
00:50:57i can tell him he hasn't fully processed it yet
00:51:00because he still says a lot of two-legged s**t he does
00:51:04he be slipping up the comedian in me can't let it slide i can't f**king let it slide
00:51:09we was leaving the house the other day we all got in the car closed the car doors he was like
00:51:13f**k it's cold out here open the door i'm gonna run inside get my coat i said
00:51:24you can hop in there and get your f**king coat you ain't running nowhere
00:51:35it's a great opportunity to make sure that you guys all understand
00:51:38the through line of connectivity through the set
00:51:40i decided to title the set acting my age
00:51:43because i wanted to draw attention back to the f**king important side of old age
00:51:47i feel like we're in a time now where everybody's trying to get younger everybody's trying to turn
00:51:51back the hand of time nobody's celebrating the other side
00:51:54old age let me tell you what it is it's a definition of life lived experience and wisdom
00:51:59without those things you don't have the w in life that's the w in life
00:52:04also understand old age is a f**king blessing it's a it's a unbelievable blessing
00:52:13because you don't have to get there you don't have to get there so when you get to 50
00:52:1860 70 80 understand guys that s**t ain't promised you're one of the few the fortunate
00:52:24and the in-between so stand on the pedestal and celebrate your f**king life correctly when you
00:52:29reach those monumental numbers okay
00:52:31and don't be afraid to stay in your lane when you get old as f**k stay in your old-ass lane don't swerve
00:52:42stop swerving that's how you get hurt that's how i broke my d**k swerving swerving
00:52:50i had no business racing that man no business messed up my whole summer with that f**king wrist
00:52:57threw my whole summer in the trash me and my family we're supposed to take vacations all summer
00:53:02we only took one vacation because i injured myself we went to rwanda wanted to take the family to
00:53:08rwanda because i wanted the new experience something that we could all hold on to something
00:53:12that could give us a little goddamn culture right an understanding of another environment when we go
00:53:17on vacation the word no never exists we embrace it all as soon as we get to rwanda the first thing
00:53:22he suggested and said you guys have to go gorilla trekking you have to go gorilla trekking for those
00:53:29people here tonight who do not know what gorilla trekking is i'll do my best to explain to you
00:53:33gorilla trekking is when you basically go to the jungle and you discover what seems to be
00:53:39gorilla footprints only to follow those footprints to land you in a natural habitat of real gorillas
00:53:46when they said it i said f**k it i don't care i'll do it the reason why is because in my mind i was
00:53:51like there has to be glass right there has to be glass i've never been around gorillas and there hasn't
00:54:00been glass there has to be glass they said kevin your younger kids can't go so it's me and my wife
00:54:07my two teenagers we're now with two other groups it's one white family of four and it's another white
00:54:13group of friends of four it's a total of 12 of us to get to the jungle you got to hike through the park
00:54:18the park turns in to the jungle this is a true story when we arrive at the jungle soldiers join us they got
00:54:25ak-47s machine guns they're wearing tactical gear they had the motherf**king handguns strapped to
00:54:30their legs naturally when i see this i have questions excuse me excuse me what's going on why are they
00:54:39here what's about to happen he said oh they're here just in case the gorillas get out of line and we got
00:54:44to put them down
00:54:45when you say like what do they do do they do they smack the glass what do they do can they break the
00:54:56glass nobody answers me so i assume the things that i'm saying are correct we're now joined by our tour
00:55:03guide tour guide's name was antois antois is a man that's dedicated his life to understanding gorillas
00:55:11he knows gorillas inside and out top to bottom antois is a black man that i do not want white
00:55:16people to find out about antois was the closest thing to a human gorilla i've ever seen in my
00:55:22f**king life now when i say it it sounds crazy at first but i'll explain why antois is responsible
00:55:28for telling us what we need to do when we encounter the actual gorilla this is antois exact words this is
00:55:34exactly what he said to us he goes okay listen up rule number one rule number one you must not
00:55:41look the gorilla in the eye if the gorilla looks at you you look down you submit you submit to the
00:55:48gorilla because you have no power the gorilla has the power you have no power you are powerless compared
00:55:54to the gorilla you look down show the gorilla that he has the power and that you have no power
00:55:59You are powerless
00:56:01Rule number two
00:56:04You must become one with the gorilla
00:56:07You must do what the gorilla does
00:56:10He starts morphing into a fucking gorilla in real time
00:56:14I can't believe what the fuck I'm witnessing right now
00:56:26I'm getting irritated because this black man is acting like a gorilla
00:56:30In front of these fucking white people
00:56:31I'm getting pissed
00:56:31And the white people were taking notes
00:56:35They were writing shit down
00:56:36I got mad
00:56:38I was like bitch what the fuck you writing down
00:56:39She shushed me
00:56:41Shh
00:56:41Pay attention
00:56:42Bitch I'll knock your ass out
00:56:43Don't tell me fucking pay attention
00:56:44The fuck you writing down in that book
00:56:46Antuac keeps going
00:56:48He's jumping up and down
00:56:52Smacking the ground
00:56:53Bow
00:56:53Bow
00:56:54When he gets done he looks at my son
00:56:56He goes now you try
00:56:57I said he will do no such fucking thing
00:57:03I'm not about to have my son act like no goddamn gorilla
00:57:08Out here in front of these white people
00:57:09So he can fuck up his life
00:57:11Like they did them Jordan boys
00:57:12You're not gonna do that to my goddamn son
00:57:14You're not gonna do that to my goddamn son
00:57:18He said suit yourself
00:57:22Suit yourself
00:57:23He runs to a tree
00:57:25Bites the bark off the tree
00:57:27Ahhh
00:57:28Ahhh
00:57:29He starts licking the sugar underneath
00:57:31Ahhh
00:57:32Ahhh
00:57:33He says the gorillas love sugar
00:57:34You too must love sugar
00:57:36He grabs a scoop of eucalyptus out of the bushes
00:57:38He starts rubbing eucalyptus all over his body
00:57:41He says the gorillas love the smell of eucalyptus
00:57:43You too must smell like eucalyptus
00:57:45Now we trek
00:57:47He takes off runs in the fucking jungle
00:57:50Fuck
00:57:55Cause we gotta follow him
00:57:58We gotta fucking follow him
00:58:00We're trekking in the jungle
00:58:03Hand on the bible
00:58:04And this is a true story
00:58:05Fifteen twenty minutes into the trek
00:58:07Fifteen twenty minutes into the trek
00:58:09He stops
00:58:10He gonna stop
00:58:11His exact words
00:58:12They're here
00:58:13I said
00:58:25Where's the glass?
00:58:27Where do I get behind the glass?
00:58:29Where's the glass?
00:58:32People I turn to my goddamn left
00:58:37About seven to nine female gorillas
00:58:40Come out the goddamn bushes
00:58:41They on two legs
00:58:42These motherfuckers is walking
00:58:43They walking out
00:58:45I ain't never seen no shit like it
00:58:47Immediately
00:58:48I submit it
00:58:49I put my hand up
00:58:50I hit the ground
00:58:51I submit
00:58:52I submit
00:58:54And so I tried to pick me up
00:58:55He said Kevin get up
00:58:56Get up get up get up
00:58:57I said no
00:58:58Get the fuck off me
00:58:59I have no power
00:59:00They have the power
00:59:01I have no power
00:59:02I am powerless
00:59:04They have the power
00:59:05I look this way
00:59:08My wife
00:59:09My wife dumbass got the phone out
00:59:11With the flash on
00:59:12She trying to get video
00:59:13She trying to get footage
00:59:15I hit her
00:59:16Bitch get that
00:59:17Get that
00:59:18Submit
00:59:19We have no power
00:59:20They have the power
00:59:21We are powerless
00:59:22Now it's like fifteen of them
00:59:25It's like fucking fifteen
00:59:27A whole goddamn family
00:59:28Bunch of nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles
00:59:30These motherfuckers walking around
00:59:32We in the middle
00:59:33We in the middle of it
00:59:34It's all happening so fast
00:59:35One of the gorillas touched my forehead
00:59:37He didn't hit me
00:59:39But he pulled my forehead back
00:59:40And made my eyes open up wider
00:59:42Than they ever have in my life
00:59:43Like
00:59:44I had so much fucking white in my eyes
00:59:46And when I
00:59:47When I did it
00:59:48I could see the soldier
00:59:49The soldier was right here
00:59:50I said
00:59:51Shoot it
00:59:52Like what the fuck are you doing man
00:59:54Shoot it
00:59:56This is clearly a fucking attack
01:00:00It's an attack
01:00:01He's trying to fucking rip my forehead off
01:00:04I don't know what he's doing
01:00:07All the gorillas keep playing
01:00:09They roughhousing the shit
01:00:10We're watching it
01:00:11For no reason
01:00:12They all get up at the same time
01:00:13They run in the jungle
01:00:14Antoine stands up
01:00:15He's so excited
01:00:16He goes
01:00:17Isn't it beautiful
01:00:18Isn't it beautiful
01:00:19The lights of the gorilla live in person
01:00:22Now we track the gorilla
01:00:24So we can see the way the gorilla lives
01:00:26We follow the gorilla
01:00:27I said fuck you man no
01:00:31I'm not following them fucking gorillas
01:00:34No
01:00:35I'm going back
01:00:36Me and my family
01:00:37Are going back
01:00:38And I want to take a soldier with me
01:00:39That's not afraid to do his job
01:00:40Unlike this bitch
01:00:42You're a bitch
01:00:43Yes you are
01:00:44You're a bitch
01:00:45He tried to rip my fucking forehead off
01:00:49He says Kevin no
01:00:50You must finish the track
01:00:52You must finish the track
01:00:53I said no
01:00:54I'm going back
01:00:55He goes oh no
01:00:56The boss
01:00:57I said good
01:00:58I want to talk to you fucking boss
01:00:59I don't like the way you've been treating us
01:01:00Since we've been here
01:01:02Hand on the bible people
01:01:03I turn to my left
01:01:04A real life silverback gorilla
01:01:06Appears from the same goddamn bushes
01:01:08Oh my god
01:01:09When I say a real life silverback gorilla
01:01:11I'm talking about a real nigga
01:01:13All chest no legs
01:01:14All chest
01:01:15No legs
01:01:17This gorilla ain't ever did legs
01:01:20All chest
01:01:21If a gorilla went to the penitentiary
01:01:24He would look like this
01:01:26I ain't never seen no shit like this
01:01:28He came out touched a tree
01:01:30The tree just fell
01:01:31Tree's on the ground
01:01:33People
01:01:34I can't believe
01:01:35That I'm in arms distance
01:01:36Of a real life silverback gorilla
01:01:38I'm actually in awe
01:01:39Of the fucking moment
01:01:41Everybody else
01:01:42Everybody else is on the ground
01:01:43Everybody else is submitted
01:01:44I'm the only one standing up
01:01:45Looking at the fucking silverback
01:01:47Only thing that snapped me out of it
01:01:48Was my son
01:01:49My son tapped my leg twice
01:01:51I turn around
01:01:52My son said
01:01:53Bye dad
01:01:55Bye dad
01:01:56I said what the
01:01:59The fuck you mean bye dad
01:02:01What
01:02:02Oh my god
01:02:03Oh my god
01:02:05It dawned on me
01:02:06I'm breaking rule number one
01:02:08Rule number one
01:02:09Was do not look the silverback in the eye
01:02:11I'm looking this silverback dead in the fucking eye
01:02:15Now I'm scared
01:02:17I'm scared
01:02:18I don't know what to do
01:02:19I don't know what to fucking do
01:02:20So I turn around and talk to Antoine
01:02:21So Antoine can tell me what to do
01:02:22When I turn around and talk to Antoine
01:02:24Antoine was gone
01:02:25Antoine
01:02:26Antoine
01:02:27Antoine was running with the best form I've ever seen in my fucking life
01:02:31He had his fingers closed up to perfection
01:02:33This motherfucker was hitting that bitch
01:02:37He was chopping that wind like a piece of cake
01:02:39You hear me?
01:02:42At this point I don't know what to do
01:02:43At this point it is what it is
01:02:45I'm looking at the silverback
01:02:46Silverback is looking at me
01:02:47Let me tell you something
01:02:48I've never been a bitch
01:02:49I'm not gonna start being a bitch today
01:02:51It is what the fuck it is
01:02:53While I'm looking at the silverback
01:02:54He decided to bang on me
01:02:56He said
01:02:58Let me tell you what this means
01:03:00When the silverback hit their chest like that
01:03:01That's their way to let you know how strong they are
01:03:03That's how they gauge who's stronger before they fight
01:03:06Here's another piece of information
01:03:08When silverbacks fight
01:03:09Whatever silverback loses the fight
01:03:11Loses everything
01:03:12You lose your wife and your kids
01:03:14If you lose a fight as a silverback
01:03:16You just gotta walk in the jungle with nothing
01:03:18You gotta figure fucking life out
01:03:20You don't have anything
01:03:21Right
01:03:22That's why he has so many fucking kids
01:03:23And all them goddamn wives
01:03:24He done whoop that many silverbacks ass
01:03:26Right
01:03:27He done did it
01:03:28Now this is a question
01:03:29It's a question for y'all
01:03:30Don't answer it now
01:03:31Answer it later on in your own time
01:03:32Is that really a loss?
01:03:34Like if we fight
01:03:35Right
01:03:36Listen
01:03:37If we fight and I lose
01:03:38You're saying
01:03:39That you gotta take my wife and my kids
01:03:41And you go that way
01:03:42And I get to go this way
01:03:43For free
01:03:44Is that what you're saying?
01:03:45Cause it doesn't sound like a loss
01:03:47Okay
01:03:48So
01:03:49I'm looking at the silverback
01:03:50He's looking at me
01:03:51It is what the fuck it is
01:03:52I'm like okay
01:03:53I'm not gonna bang on my chest back
01:03:54If I do
01:03:55He gonna know I'm a bitch
01:03:56I'm not about to do that
01:03:57So I did what any other man in this room would do
01:03:59If they were in my shoes
01:04:00There's not a man in this room
01:04:01That wouldn't have did exactly what I did
01:04:03If you were in my position
01:04:04I looked that silverback dead in the eye
01:04:06And I did everything Antoine said
01:04:07I said
01:04:08Oh
01:04:09Oh
01:04:10Oh
01:04:11Oh
01:04:12Oh
01:04:13I jumped up
01:04:14I smacked the ground
01:04:15I grabbed the eucalyptus
01:04:16Rubbed it in my ass
01:04:17The only reason why I'm telling all this
01:04:19Is because I know for a fact
01:04:20That them white people take the whole thing
01:04:22They got it all on tape
01:04:24And it's a matter of time
01:04:25Before this shit hits the internet
01:04:26But I wanted y'all to hear it from me first
01:04:28So you can understand that I did what the fuck I had to do
01:04:30To save my family
01:04:32And I learned a valuable lesson that day
01:04:34And that lesson that I learned
01:04:35Is that I should have took the other dick pill
01:04:37I should have went with the silverback 45 pro
01:04:39It's a stronger dick pill
01:04:41And Miami you guys are a strong crowd
01:04:43Thank you so much
01:04:44For enjoying me
01:04:45My name is Kevin Hart
01:04:47And I love you
01:04:48Good night
01:04:49晚安
01:05:19阿弥陀佛
01:05:49阿弥陀佛
01:06:19阿弥陀佛
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