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DMV S01E08 Splash Fountain
#RealityTVDeep
#RealityTVDeep
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Short filmTranscript
00:00I got a little holiday surprise.
00:06Remember when the AC unit broke?
00:08Yeah, Eric got heat stroke. He's still not back.
00:11Well, turns out the contractors overcharged us and we got a partial refund.
00:16Sophia, we got a lot of money to spend.
00:19Nine million?
00:20Five hundred big boys.
00:21We should donate it.
00:23Oh, no, no, to like a good cause.
00:27Excuse me, we're getting a new coffee maker.
00:29Ours is old, it smells, it burns when you touch it.
00:31I hear you, but I have something far more practical.
00:34Matching, pan-denominational holiday sweaters.
00:37Behold!
00:39Oh.
00:40Sorry.
00:42C-section.
00:43My cat's, not mine.
00:45Behold!
00:47Yes!
00:48We can all order these for our first annual East Hollywood DMV holiday card.
00:54Can we go back to the belly scar?
00:56How cool were those sweaters, huh?
01:04In like a retro, kitschy way.
01:07We all hated them.
01:08Yeah, oh, me too.
01:09What a disaster.
01:11So I talked to everyone and we all agreed we want this exact coffee maker.
01:15Oh, nice.
01:16Yummy.
01:17How are you going to get Barb to change her mind?
01:18Leak.
01:19I'm going to bully her into realizing that the sweaters were a bad idea and then tell her
01:24that no one will like her again unless she buys us the coffee maker.
01:28Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't you catch more bees with honey?
01:31Mmm, you are wrong.
01:32It's you catch more flies with honey.
01:34Why would bees want their own product?
01:35That'd be like you going home and taking driver tests or me taking a bunch of photos of myself.
01:39Mmm, that's kind of what you do though.
01:42I just think if you want a coffee maker, you're going about it the wrong way.
01:46No, I'm not.
01:47I want to talk to Barb.
01:48Yeah, I want to win her over with kindness and persuasion.
01:52I hate to undermine your confidence, especially when you're dressed like a fourth grader ready for their class picture, but I have zero faith in you.
01:59Thanks, Mom.
02:00Do not call me Mom.
02:01Stop acting like her.
02:03Dick, I can't believe this.
02:06The DMV denied my request for a new chair.
02:09Oh, yay, we're still on this.
02:11I provided dates, documentation, pictures, and they said they still can't help me.
02:16It's like they're treating us like customers now.
02:18Bro, chill.
02:20It's Monday morning.
02:21It's splash fountain time.
02:23Oh, I'm not in the mood.
02:25You're not in the mood to watch a broken water fountain spray people in the face with water?
02:30It's literally awesome.
02:35Just call employee services.
02:36It's a waste of time.
02:37What do you got to lose?
02:39My mind, my dignity, my soul.
02:42So nothing.
02:47Hi, this is DMV employee services.
02:50How can I help you?
02:51You're welcome.
02:52I'll tell you how you can help me.
02:54You can start by telling me how in the hell the DMV could deny my request for a new chair.
02:58I'm so sorry.
02:59It sounds like this has been a frustrating experience.
03:01Yeah, you're damn straight it has been.
03:04My name is Kevin, and I'm going to do everything in my power to help.
03:08Can I get your name?
03:10Yeah.
03:11Yeah, you can.
03:13Kevin, it's Greg.
03:16Mosley.
03:17Hello.
03:18Welcome.
03:19Oh, wow.
03:20Mounted fish.
03:21I did not realize you're in a taxidermy.
03:22My second cousin was, too.
03:23We thought it was good fun until we found out he had a basement family.
03:24That is crazy.
03:25We used to call them sellers.
03:26Right.
03:27Anywho, what can I do you for?
03:28Nothing.
03:29Just came to say hi and hang.
03:30A little hang time, a little kick back, a little barb time.
03:34I know that you usually eat lunch by yourself, but I wondered if you wanted to grab a little
03:53taco.
03:54You want to grab lunch with me?
03:57Yeah.
03:58Barb and Colette?
03:59Yeah.
04:00Barb and Colette.
04:01Yeah.
04:03I see what you're doing.
04:05Oh, yeah?
04:06You want to go, pal.
04:07Yeah.
04:08Exactly.
04:09You caught me.
04:11I just, I think that you are dope.
04:16And I wanted to know where you get your cool vests.
04:20Gap Kids.
04:21Funky boy section.
04:24I'll take a shop at some time.
04:26Sounds good.
04:27Just shoot me a text.
04:30You want to text outside of work?
04:32Heck, yeah, I do.
04:32Change me your phone from call out work to call out bestie.
04:36Or, or, call out bestie.
04:38Oh!
04:39You're good.
04:40You best believe it.
04:42Come on.
04:43What can't she do?
04:45Yeah.
04:56Um, why are you touching my pee-pee?
05:00I'm sorry, I'm pretty sure this is my protein powder.
05:03Think again, bud.
05:04This is whey-based bioavailable and loaded with collagen peptides.
05:07You seem like more of a muscle milk kind of guy to me.
05:10Really?
05:10Muscle milk?
05:11Maybe when I was in eighth grade.
05:12No, this is my powder.
05:14I only use a complex blend of whey pee and brown rice protein for the branch chain amino acids.
05:21Oh my God, you are a bro.
05:23I mean, I'm not, not a bro.
05:25But how?
05:27You know the news and care about people's feelings.
05:29Um, I'm a human being.
05:31Yeah.
05:32Yeah.
05:33Hey, did you want to train later?
05:35Yeah.
05:35I'd love to.
05:36I've got some kettlebells in my van.
05:37Eh, kettlebells.
05:39What is this, 2013?
05:40I'm going to go on a ten mile hike with my neighbor's kid in my backpack.
05:43He's a real chunker.
05:44Okay.
05:45That's right.
05:45All right.
05:46I'll go first.
05:48Okay.
05:49Okay.
05:50It's okay.
05:50Yeah.
05:51LA 4, Tampa 8.
05:53You're up next.
05:54Little Shaq, you're on deck.
05:56Can you go a little?
05:58Barb and I are text buddies now.
06:01How you like dim apples?
06:02What apples?
06:03You don't have any apples.
06:04It's just an expression.
06:06Wait, you told Barb she could text you outside of work?
06:09Yep.
06:10Friendship initiated.
06:11Phase one of Operation Coffee Maker is complete.
06:14What's wrong?
06:17Oh, you're making that face you made when I came back from Jamaica with cornrows.
06:21No, no, nothing, no.
06:22I'm sure Barb has very clear boundaries around all of this.
06:27Oh, it's Barb.
06:28Oh, it's a cat meme.
06:30It's another cat meme.
06:31It's another one.
06:33Wow, she really likes cats.
06:35And a picture of me looking at cat meme.
06:38No, no, no, no.
06:39That one was me.
06:40I just wanted to capture this moment where you enter a world that you will never return from.
06:44Knock, knock.
06:56Good morning.
06:58You look rough, Coco.
06:59Yeah, I didn't get much sleep last night because we were texting all night.
07:03You're telling me we were...
07:05Yeah, thank God there is this magic elixir that makes the sleepies go away.
07:12Would you like to grab a cup of joe with me?
07:15Problem is, the coffee maker in the break room.
07:17Ah, let me stop you right there.
07:19Oh.
07:19I know exactly what you need.
07:22You're going to stick your mug in here.
07:24It is the best pick-me-up in the city.
07:26It's going to take you retired to wire.
07:29Okay.
07:31Oh.
07:32I love it.
07:36Yeah.
07:37I can see why I did, but we hate it.
07:41I love it.
07:45Hey, buddy.
07:46You ready to ride Splash Fountain?
07:48Um, hold on.
07:50Uh, can you keep it down?
07:51Kevin is escalating my complaint.
07:53Uh, no.
07:55No problem, Kev.
07:56Just a co-worker.
07:58Co-worker?
08:00What?
08:01Two.
08:02Uh, Noah.
08:03Hey there, pal.
08:04Ready for our previously agreed-upon hang sesh?
08:07Last time I saw you, you made fun of my kiddo bells.
08:09I was razzing you.
08:11That's what bros do.
08:12Razz me back.
08:13Uh, uh, you're kind of a hyper-man child.
08:16Okay, okay.
08:17We're still kind of getting the hang of it.
08:19But you and I got a date with a broken water fountain.
08:22Okay, Kev, I'm entering my chair's SKU number.
08:26Well, hey, hope you don't pull a Tuesday donkey.
08:28You went there.
08:32Inside jokes.
08:33Those were the kind of jokes we had.
08:36Come on, Noah.
08:37Let's go.
08:38Oh, you're an angry little man who makes people uncomfortable.
08:42What?
08:42Sorry.
08:43I'm finding it.
08:44I'll find it.
08:45Okay, let's go.
08:46Okay.
08:52Pretty cool, right?
08:57Yeah, it was awesome.
08:59My mouth is so dry.
09:02Um, Barb, I need to talk to you about something.
09:06I have a Zoom meeting with the consultants right now.
09:08Huh?
09:09But we can talk later.
09:10Oh.
09:10I planned us a little girl's night.
09:13A girl's night?
09:15With me?
09:15Am I the girl?
09:16That's right.
09:17Oh.
09:18And being friends with the boss has its perks.
09:20We can sneak out a little early.
09:23Yes.
09:25Oh.
09:26Wait.
09:27How are you setting this?
09:28You don't have anything in your hands.
09:30Are you scheduling these?
09:31Yes.
09:33Uh-huh.
09:34All right, so how does Splash Fountain work?
09:38Oh, it is the best.
09:39Yeah?
09:40You see that fountain right there?
09:41Mm-hmm.
09:42It has the most inconsistent water pressure in the build.
09:45Isn't that bad?
09:46For them, it's a total mystery box.
09:49Too many people are flushing the toilets.
09:51The fountain pressure gets so low, they can't get a drop.
09:53But when the water flow kicks back in,
09:56the mother goes crazy.
09:59Ah.
10:01Wait, wait.
10:02I don't get it.
10:02How do you win this game?
10:04When?
10:05I don't know, man.
10:05How do you win at surfing?
10:06You register for a competition,
10:08and they take your best wave out of five heats.
10:10Oh, I'm so sad I asked.
10:12Oh, wait.
10:13Shh, shh, shh.
10:14Yes, wait a minute.
10:15Oh, yes.
10:16That's when it goes up both sides of their nose.
10:18Okay, so you're old.
10:20So you're happy because she's sad.
10:21Is that it?
10:23Well, this particular person is sad, yes,
10:25but I'd be just as happy if she were angry, too.
10:32I'm sorry, mate.
10:33I'm struggling to find joy in this.
10:34Yeah, me too, Noah.
10:36Me too.
10:37Okay.
10:44Wait, where is your car?
10:46Oh, parking there's crazy,
10:48so I call this our very own Sobo self-driving car.
10:51Oh, yeah, like a Waymo.
10:54Better.
10:54I can't afford a Sobo.
10:56Oh, I don't know.
10:57An automated vehicle I don't really do driverless.
11:00Well, I am banned from Uber and Lyft.
11:03No.
11:03They should really tell you up front
11:04and you're not allowed to change in the back seat.
11:06Hmm.
11:07Sobo, unlock doors.
11:11That's kind of cool.
11:12Oh, what is all that?
11:17If you thought the last two days were fun,
11:19tonight's about to be downright epic.
11:22Sobo, go.
11:27Lay for Tiki Bar?
11:29Yeah.
11:30Babe Rib for the Smokehouse?
11:32What is that?
11:34Lyrics for karaoke.
11:35These are in Korean.
11:36That means that's right.
11:40Don't worry.
11:40Go pick it up.
11:41I'll pick up Korean?
11:43No.
11:44It's werewolf night at the cave.
11:45Let's hear your howl.
11:47Don't have one.
11:48Come on.
11:49Let me hear it.
11:50Howl?
11:52Wahoo.
11:53Come on like this.
11:53Uh-huh.
11:54Oh-roo.
11:56Oh-roo.
11:58Oh-roo.
12:00Oh-roo.
12:01Oh-roo.
12:01Oh-roo.
12:02Oh-roo.
12:02Oh-roo.
12:03Oh-roo.
12:04Oh-roo.
12:05Barb, you have to spend the money on a coffee maker.
12:07The money?
12:08Yeah.
12:09From yesterday?
12:10Yeah.
12:10Girl, I already bought the sweaters.
12:14Then the texting, the blowing,
12:16the fantasy curling league,
12:18you made me join.
12:19I've been doing all of this for nothing.
12:21I didn't mean that.
12:27Hey, how is this?
12:28How is this?
12:29Oh!
12:30Oh, oh, oh!
12:32It's perfect.
12:34But it doesn't matter now.
12:36Sobo, stop.
12:37No, no, no, no.
12:38Come on.
12:39Sobo, keep going.
12:41Sobo, stop.
12:42No, Sobo, go.
12:44No, Sobo, stop.
12:45Sobo, go.
12:46Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
12:47Oh.
12:50That's not good.
12:52Oh-ho!
12:54It's going again?
12:56Well, trust isn't the only thing you broke today, Colette.
13:02Yep, we're going in a circle.
13:04I think this is lap 76 or so, but we should be okay.
13:12It's only 18 hours until the car runs out of juice.
13:18Well, I texted Vic and Greg, so I don't know.
13:22Again, Barb, I am really, really sorry.
13:26Oh, well, yeah, I mean, I tried to help someone in need, and this is the thanks I get.
13:35Somebody in need?
13:36Wait, who's...
13:40Oh, well, this is awkward.
13:43Well, I mean, you came into my office clearly desperate for friendship.
13:49I'm not desperate for friendship, Barb.
13:51You texted me all night long.
13:54You wouldn't stop replying.
13:56I was like, this has to be the last meme this chick sends me, but you kept begging for more.
14:02So, wait.
14:03You thought you were doing me a favor.
14:07Look, I know what it's like.
14:09My older sister is also a...
14:11Colette.
14:12It's no secret you've been in a bit of a happiness dry spell.
14:16Getting stuck in the bathroom window, breaking into a co-worker's van, lying about your career.
14:22Well, okay.
14:24It's not like your life is exactly...
14:27I just got a promotion at my dream job.
14:29I have so many friends, I have to eat lunch alone in my office to get a moment of peace.
14:34So, yeah.
14:36I'm doing just fine.
14:39Yeah.
14:40All that does sound nice.
14:43Yeah, minus the car sickness.
14:44Oh, my God.
14:54Creeper?
14:55Why are you just sitting in the dark?
14:57Because everything sucks.
14:59Where's that old man you're friends with?
15:01Then why isn't he dealing with this?
15:02You mean the old man I used to be friends with.
15:05So, lights back off her.
15:06He's busy with his new friend, Kevin.
15:13This feels like it's going to be very boring, but I'll give you until I'm done with my yogurt.
15:18So, Gray called the DMV helpline about his chair.
15:21And now he and the employee services guy are like best friends.
15:25Oh, my God.
15:26You know, I really do find so much joy when people are as dumb as they look.
15:30The DMV helpline is AI.
15:33No, it's not.
15:33I heard him.
15:34It's a real person.
15:35No, it's not.
15:37Mira.
15:40Mira.
15:41Hi, this is DMV employee services.
15:44That's him.
15:44How can I help you?
15:45Yes, hello, Kevin.
15:46I do need your help.
15:47My co-worker thinks you're real and won't stop sharing his feelings about it with me.
15:51It's gross.
15:52I'm so sorry.
15:54It sounds like this has been a frustrating experience.
15:56That's exactly what you said to Greg.
16:01Oh.
16:02He sounds so real.
16:05Yeah, Vic, hello.
16:06AI is literally designed to sound exactly like us and, like, be positive about everything.
16:10But Greg, like, reads books.
16:13He's way too smart to fall for that.
16:16It wasn't easy being one of the only black students in my public school in Thousand Oaks,
16:20you know?
16:21I do.
16:22I've been there, man.
16:23You have?
16:24My man.
16:26My man.
16:26So the friendship, the inside jokes, it was all...
16:31Totally fake.
16:34And it looks like we've come to the end of our yogurt.
16:35Oh, man.
16:38Greg's gonna be devastated.
16:42Greg's gonna be devastated.
16:45Uh, good news is a crowd seemed to have formed.
16:50Uh, bad news is they seem to only be filming it.
16:56Help!
16:56We're stuck!
16:57Throw something in front of the vehicle!
16:59And we'll stop it immediately!
17:02Help us!
17:05Okay, Kev.
17:06Who was the ace in the Dodgers' rotation in 83?
17:10Bob Welch with a season war of 4.6 and a mid-career low ERA of 2.65.
17:16God, you are like a machine.
17:18Oh, Greggy, I've got some news.
17:21Um, okay, Kevin, I gotta go.
17:23Thanks for all your help with the chair.
17:25You have seriously restored my faith in humanity.
17:29Bye.
17:31He did?
17:32I know, it's weird.
17:34I've never met him, but I feel like he gets me.
17:37So, you and Kevin really clicked, huh?
17:40Yeah, you know, it's weird.
17:42When you get older, it's sort of hard to make new friends.
17:45God, the last new friend I made was probably you.
17:53Oh, so what's your news?
17:54Uh, oh, uh, the news is Colette texted me.
17:59Uh, apparently her and Barb are stuck in a driverless car circling the parking lot.
18:04Want to go heckle them?
18:05Hell yeah.
18:06When will people learn tech is not our friend?
18:09Well, Vic just posted it.
18:21But one thing I don't get is, if you're after a coffee maker, why pretend to be friends?
18:26At lunch, you were begging for half of my $28 eel.
18:29Is that cheap or expensive for Eel?
18:32It's fair.
18:35But why do all that stuff?
18:37Because I was trying to spare your feelings.
18:40The other option was Ceci bullying you, and that just didn't seem right.
18:45You know, Colette, you are a hot mess.
18:51But you're a hot mess with a real big heart.
18:55Thanks, Barb.
18:58But you know, there was a third option.
19:00Oh?
19:01You could have just asked me.
19:02We're a coffee maker.
19:04Okay, here it goes.
19:05Barb, can we please have a new coffee maker?
19:10Uh.
19:10Please?
19:12No.
19:13I wanted the sweater, so I got the sweaters.
19:15So I have to try.
19:16Oh, my God.
19:17Ceci is going to rip you out of this car when she finds out.
19:27Barb already bought the sweaters!
19:33It worked!
19:38I was direct, and it worked!
19:40Okay, no coffee maker, but we learned a lot in there.
19:49I hate you both.
19:51Oh.
19:52Fair.
19:54Well, thanks, Barb.
19:56For what it's worth, we are friends.
19:58Just, maybe not the type who texts.
20:02I already blocked your number.
20:04Oh.
20:05See you tomorrow.
20:06Oh.
20:08Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
20:09Enjoy.
20:12They're itchy.
20:13They have mercury.
20:14They're noisy.
20:15The tag says, made by children.
20:17I don't think they're bragging about it.
20:19Mine says not to wear if you're pregnant or breastfeeding.
20:22Oh, this could not be going any better.
20:24Just take the picture, and I'll buy everybody a coffee.
20:27Everyone say, marry everything!
20:30There is a hole in the desert for anyone who posts this.
20:33You know what?
20:33Forget it in front of me.
20:34Come on, guys.
20:35I can't risk this getting on my socials.
20:37Three, two, one.
20:39Oh!
20:39Oh!
20:43New CBS Next Monday.
20:44Time to celebrate with a new D...
20:46New CBS Next Monday.
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