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00:00who wants fresh baked banana bread oh me me me me smells great day oh yeah it's steve's
00:14secret recipe oh who's steve oh he's my mom's special friend he would make it for me whenever
00:21he and my mom went upstairs to do their taxes how often would they do their taxes i don't know a
00:28couple times a week do you really want to pull that thread calvin as soon as i got my oven fixed
00:37this is the first thing i made no what was wrong with it no idea man came over went straight to
00:42the breaker box worked his magic and now we're eating banana bread it wasn't magic dave did you
00:48really just pay somebody to flip your circuit breaker no it was free with the protection plan
00:56that i bought oh so it wasn't free it's actually 250 a year that's very not free well it was free
01:04today and it gives me peace of mind look i always check the box for the extended warranty
01:10see that's how they get you i don't check any of those boxes as soon as that cashier turns that
01:16screen towards me i'll turn it right back on her and i'll tell her i ain't the one
01:22speaking of one that's your last one well look if you don't check the box you just end up paying
01:31a man dave you are the man right but a real man knows how to delegate that right jemma absolutely
01:41although i gotta say growing up in hickory corners my grandpa fixed everything himself he put a new roof
01:47on the barn when he was 82. jemma he felt his death with a hammer in his hand that's how a real man goes out
01:57welcome to the block welcome to the neighborhood welcome to the hood
02:10malcolm i can't read the draft of your book with you staring at me okay my bad
02:14okay here's daphne fresh out of the bath thank you mrs b oh she is slippery
02:33she's slippery marty oh uh mom remember we said we only want to use water-based products on daphne so
02:40no vaseline everybody knows babies should be greasy uh yes that common phrase
02:49uh what happened to the outfit that i laid out for her oh you wanted her in that thing
02:55it was a gift from my grandma oh oh let me check the rag box
02:59i'm gonna go try to degrease her oh my god she is like and feel
03:08oh that's crazy huh can you get back to my book please i'm sorry marty i'm just anxious to know if
03:14i'm capturing the romance novel vibe okay okay okay okay so derek grasped her heaving bosom
03:21what's wrong well bosom and heaving and i don't love grasps what it's a romance novel marty is supposed
03:30to be seductive yeah well i'm not feeling seduced i'm not trying to seduce you why'd you ask me to
03:34read it because i wanted your opinion this could have been an email oh man
03:40these books are just not in my wheelhouse you know i wish i knew somebody who read them who could be my uh
03:46my smart consultant well we could get mama back up in here mama no no no no no anyone else
03:55jimma you think so she does love those books remember she was reading pride and prejudice
04:00and then the fake cover slipped off and it was 50 shades of gray yeah yeah she was all like how did
04:05that get in here yeah then she ran away screaming don't judge me
04:08in case you're wondering who's gonna hook this baby up uh you're looking at him real man congratulations
04:23you know i spent all night watching how-to videos on youtube and uh got this whoa
04:30uh bathroom is in the house my friend yeah i imagine so uh excuse me uh so are you not gonna
04:40bring it in oh no you just signed up for standard delivery that means that i leave this on the
04:47premises and your lawn is the premises if you wanted it brought into the house you should have checked the
04:53box for white glove service but uh my friend says those boxes are uh how they get you well you didn't
05:04get got it have a nice day well hold uh don't go can i check the box now nah you have to do it at the
05:12time of the purchase have a nice day i am not going to have a nice day oh hey oh she's still a little
05:28greasy i know there she is there's my little everything hi you want to know what gamma got you
05:42is that a dress oh yes it is oh so i see so many colors right you know what would make that outfit pop
05:54earrings when are you getting our ears pierced not sure yet but not right now oh she would look so cute
06:01yeah she would so you know what it is i just i get a little squeamish when it comes to piercings
06:11but thanks so much for the dress love well i'm glad you like it i bought her a sweater with the exact
06:19same pattern can't wait to see it okay now i hate lying to your mom yeah i know that dress looks like
06:29someone threw up a box of crayons and the whole piercing thing i really feel like we need to wait
06:34until daphne is old enough to make that choice for herself totally agree but it would be so hard to tell
06:40your mom that totally agree so how do you do it do what disagree with her oh no i don't i don't i learned
06:51that years ago come on no it's true really i used to think my favorite color was blue but then my mom
06:58told me it was green and it turns out she was right
07:01mayday mayday this is not a drill what do you need date just a quick favor i need you to help me
07:12pop that bad boy into the house that bad boy is a bathtub why didn't you have the delivery guys do
07:20it well i didn't choose the white glove service because the little calvin on my shoulder told me
07:25not to check any boxes well regular size calvin says you're an idiot you don't check the box for
07:34loyalty service you don't check the box for travel protection but you always check the box for white
07:41glove service especially for stuff as big as a bathtub including a bathtub everybody knows that
07:49well i didn't know that look calvin please i can't have jemma come home and see that i couldn't do this
07:54how am i supposed to feel like the man of the house if i can't even be a man
08:02you knew that was gonna get me didn't you you knew it come on dave i mean a bathtub
08:09maybe you're right i guess i'm not gonna die like jemma's grandpa probably die like my grandpa at a
08:16puppet show i got so many questions
08:26all right come on i'll help you okay calvin thank you and i'll tell you what once this bad boy is in
08:35you get the honor of taking the very first bath
08:39hey this would be the last time that i ever touch your bathtub
08:51calvin these buddy straps were a great investment instead of spending 95 on white
08:56glove service i spent 60 on these straps and i get to keep them forever calvin imagine the things
09:03we can lift yeah let's just get this up the stairs dave okay now calvin remember lift with your legs
09:09i've lifted things before here we go one two three look okay all right i think we got it here we go
09:18right foot left foot right foot left foot you're doing it right foot left foot right foot left foot
09:25i know how to walk dave
09:30heaving bosom i am taking that part out i would i am
09:37i'm taking it out jimma okay it's gone
09:41look here's the thing malcolm you're a terrific writer
09:45but the intimate moments they're lacking a certain
09:52well can you help me out i don't give me an example yes oh okay and you highlighted passages
09:58for me yeah for you okay look at this one his hand traced her softness claiming her body with every
10:09breath she trembled like a fawn in the path of his undeniable ardor
10:18okay so so you're saying that's oh yeah okay here here's another good example
10:25uh uh jimma this is a biography of steve jobs no it's not
10:36calvin slow down you're pushing i'm not pushing you're pulling well i can't see you're my eyes
10:40guys calvin i don't know what you want to do you're pushing me into the door i'm gonna die okay
10:45down down down okay that was so hard
10:53it's not gonna fit calvin yes it will no it's too wide it's not gonna fit we won't know unless
10:59we try well my eyes know let's just try and then we'll know for sure okay one two three yeah all
11:07right okay and now we know
11:12oh hey oh hey there's my daphne thank you mama doesn't she look pretty oh yeah she always looks
11:24pretty doesn't she look extra pretty god no
11:31you got her ears pierced yeah don't worry i did a video she was crying it was so cute
11:42mom quinnys gonna flip out wait why she just told me that she was too squeamish to take daphne
11:47herself this is what good grandmas do that is what she said the truth is she wanted to wait until
11:53daphne was old enough to make the decision for herself what wait wait wait i don't understand
11:58like why wouldn't she just be honest with me i could take it i'm the most easy going person in the
12:02world look i know you think that but sometimes you could be a little a little what marty
12:16go ahead spit it out you think i'm pushy
12:20that's that's what malcolm says
12:22okay good you've got seraphina and derek in the boathouse it's go time yeah all right how do they
12:32go they just go she throws them on the bed but there's no bed in the boathouse then she throws
12:40them in a boat jimma you've been telling me to slow things down yes malcolm but now you've got them ready
12:48derek has been watching seraphina put on her suntan lotion on the veranda she admired his muscles
12:55when he hauled in his crab traps and she has needs reginald hasn't touched her in weeks
13:00hey this this is a pressure cooker that's about to explode okay uh seraphina clawed hungrily
13:10at derek's belt she pushed him down in the dirty dinghy she can't get his pants off fast enough
13:20yes that is so nasty
13:34what keep going go go go go check us out well oiled machine
13:43yeah yeah yeah we got this thank goodness we have the double doors back here
13:48all right all we gotta do is just get it over to the bathroom and we're done
13:57you mean up what do you mean up well it's going in our bathroom upstairs
14:03what about the bathroom down here well that's a half bath yeah we put the tub in there then it's a full
14:08bath now come on calvin let's strap back up let's take it up david i'm not going upstairs
14:15your porch is only four steps and it almost killed us you know what maybe you're right you know jem is
14:22just gonna have to accept that she's not married to the rock i'm just a pebble dave the pebble johnson
14:33dave you are not a pebble
14:34look calvin it's not just about the bath look look i know man you lost your job but
14:43that doesn't make you less of a man
14:48calvin this is not easy to say but
14:52jemma and i in the bedroom okay whoa whoa pump your brakes
14:56it's not what you think okay look we haven't been having sex that's exactly what i thought
15:08and now i know
15:13well it's great at least that i have someone i can share everything with well not everything
15:17look david you're my friend so let's just take care of this tub situation and
15:27the other thing it'll uh be up and running in no time
15:32we'll go find her some help thanks man don't you cry don't you do it
15:48there she is mommy's home hello hello courtney oh marty you have to listen to this amazing
15:56nine-part podcast about the helium shortage i swear it's definitely has her ears pierced
16:03oh my god did your mother do this look i will not sell out my own mother but yes yes she did
16:09i don't believe this that woman has no right this is me it is so nice to see you oh cut the crap
16:22you know damn well it's not nice to see me excuse me oh come on after what i did
16:28you need to stop being so polite and start being real with me hold on you're mad at me
16:33you're the one who pierced my baby's ears that's because you were too respectful to tell me not to
16:39and stuff like this is gonna keep happening unless you start telling me how you really feel because
16:44honey i'm in my 50s and i ain't changing okay you did overstep look i get that you're the
16:56grandmother but i am the mother uh-uh still too nice if you want to respect me stop being so damn
17:04respectful okay okay truth is sometimes it's like the concept of boundaries is completely alien to
17:14you that's good okay better keep going well sometimes you barrel over me like your opinion
17:24is the only opinion okay okay now swing harder say it with your chest stay in your lane woman
17:34okay miss tina ma'am respectfully okay see now had you been blunt like that with me yesterday
17:51my grandbaby would not have holes in her ears okay fair all right so now that we're being honest
17:58do you like the dress that i gave daphne oh wait uh
18:04what dress she's the moment courtney i hate it it looks like a rainbow stepped on a landmine
18:11i already shrunk it in the dryer on purpose i kept the receipt i mean i could have returned it but you
18:17know what thank you for your honesty mommy my favorite color is blue boy shut up it's green look at your
18:26sweater oh hey everybody i need your help to move dave's bathtub what why his bathtub got stuck on the
18:37ground in the front yard but then come to find out oh oh no poor jemma i mean that is my worst nightmare me
18:48too good thing that ain't us excuse me do you really think you're being subtle
19:01all right everybody bathtub is in now we'll just go take a quick water break and then pop back up
19:06and hook up the plumbing oh well you know i think i left something on the stove yeah and i just need
19:10to change daphne well i gotta go help courtney they're not coming back are they nope
19:18well you're with me right david i've been doing manual labor man work all day i'm going home and i'm
19:27taking me a bubble bath
19:41well malcolm this is
19:45wait wait really really okay so i didn't go too far with the uh the beads of sweat and the wet
19:52flimsy shirt clinging to his chest no oh yes okay so the next time seraphina and derrick get together
20:02is after the gala so do you think i got it dave you gotta work i gotta go okay uh jimmy you forgot your purse
20:09keep it
20:25oh hey baby sorry i'm such a mess that's a mess i can get into
20:32what jemma yeah you okay yeah just
20:39look at you you're you're all sweaty what happened
20:43you know sometimes when a man installs a whole damn bathtub you're a little sweaty
20:51come on well where are we going i'm taking you to the boat house
20:55the bathtub the bathtub the bathtub
21:09so
21:20the
21:24you
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