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00:00In 1979 on a school skiing trip, PE teacher Tony Mammoth was engulfed by an avalanche.
00:07Perfectly preserved under the snow, he was found and miraculously brought back to life over 40 years later.
00:16Is this some kind of joke? I'll tell you right now, you cannot make Tony Mammoth look stupid.
00:21I did know the yellow lines there. It wasn't a crematorium back in 1979.
00:25If anything, I thought the Capri had had a touch of colour and clasped what could have otherwise been a very, very sad day.
00:31Are you listening to a word I say?
00:33For parking enforcement, please press 5.
00:36Please press 5.
00:38I'm on the phone.
00:40Please press 5.
00:41I said I'm on the phone! Hang on a second.
00:43I'm sorry, I don't recognise that number.
00:46Don't block your attitude, pal. Put me through to your manager.
00:49Please press 5.
00:51Oh, for Christ's sake!
00:54Please press 5.
00:56I guess I can't press 5, can I, you dick? The phone's in the house, I'm outside.
01:00Try speaking the number.
01:025!
01:035!
01:045!
01:055!
01:065!
01:075!
01:085!
01:095!
01:105!
01:115!
01:126!
01:136!
01:146!
01:155!
01:166!
01:176!
01:186!
01:196!
01:206!
01:217!
01:226!
01:237!
01:248!
01:257!
01:277!
01:288!
01:298!
01:308!
01:319!
01:329!
01:339!
01:349!
01:358!
01:3610!
01:3720!
01:38Now, I don't want to overly worry you,
01:53but this panic attack really should act as a wake-up call.
01:56Have to stop you there, Doctor.
01:58I don't panic, and I never have.
02:00A big drought, 76, everyone else panicking.
02:02I just put my Speedos on and my shades and make some pina coladas.
02:06And how many units of alcohol do you think you drink a week now?
02:1130.
02:1230? That's 15 pints.
02:15Oh, is it? Well, in that case, 60, then.
02:1760. You really do need to start looking after yourself better.
02:21More fruit and vegetables, a lot less alcohol, regular exercise...
02:25Doctor, an avalanche couldn't kill me.
02:27I'm sure a few pints won't make a difference.
02:29Just in case, I want to give you one of these.
02:32What's this?
02:32A referral for free personal training sessions at the local leisure centre.
02:37You really should start thinking about making changes to your lifestyle.
02:41Is it worth getting a second opinion?
02:43No.
02:44Fair enough.
02:46Thank you, Doctor.
02:47The new Tony Mammoth starts today.
02:51Love one.
02:54Please, Mum, not again.
02:55I'm just saying.
02:56Your university application won't stand out if you've got no work experience.
03:00Will it, Mummoth?
03:03Absolutely.
03:04Never a borrower nor a lender be.
03:07Yeah.
03:08Brilliant.
03:09It's totally your decision, but don't blame me if you don't get into uni.
03:13Hmm.
03:14I mean, it's going to be all the fun of the fair, isn't it?
03:16When you're hanging out round car parks with your mates, smoking wacky-backy.
03:20Next thing you know, you'll be down an alleyway injecting spice into your eyeballs.
03:23Why is it always spice in the eyeballs, Mum?
03:27Fine, I'll start looking for a job.
03:29Great.
03:29I'll start looking for one, too.
03:31Yep.
03:31Can you both look for one in a different room?
03:34You've already got a job.
03:36Yeah.
03:37And I've got a new boss who's an absolute arsehole.
03:40Turned me down for a raise.
03:42Oh, but he gave your weird little mate Nathan a raise.
03:44Nathan's not weird, Maureen.
03:46He's 18 and he still plays with Lego.
03:47Yes.
03:48With me.
03:49And it's not Lego, it's Lego Technics.
03:51It's not the point.
03:52Why does he get a raise and I don't?
03:55Lay it down to that one.
03:57And I say this out of love.
03:59You've been weak.
04:00And you're not weak.
04:01You're a mammoth.
04:02Oh, thanks.
04:03I've been in your position.
04:04A boss taking liberties.
04:06Did I put up with it?
04:06No.
04:07I marched in there and I said, you pay me what I'm worth or I walk.
04:10And it worked?
04:13More or less.
04:15Are you joining the gym?
04:16What, some jobs where the doctor said I needed to?
04:18I said, me, a PE teacher.
04:20It doesn't get any fitter than this.
04:21I think you should join a gym.
04:23What are you trying to say?
04:24Nothing.
04:25It just wouldn't do you any harm, would it?
04:26To get a bit fitter.
04:27For me.
04:28And Theo.
04:30Theo's kids.
04:31Yeah.
04:32I don't think Lego Boy's having kids any time soon.
04:37Fine.
04:38Yeah.
04:38I'll join a gym.
04:39For you.
04:40For Theo.
04:41And for Theo's kids.
04:43Which he's definitely going to have.
04:44Hey guys, what can I do for you today?
04:52I am here for a personal training session with her.
04:56Oh, no.
04:57Grandad, she doesn't work here.
04:58She's a model.
04:59I see she's a model.
05:00Why'd you let her go?
05:02You know, a bloke's leaving in droves.
05:05Are you both looking to join?
05:07No.
05:07Mum only said I had to come just to make sure we actually went through with it.
05:11You still looking for a lifeguard?
05:12Because he's after a job.
05:13Are you lifeguard trained?
05:14Just say yes, then I'll have a check.
05:15Oh, no, I actually am.
05:16Oh.
05:17More made me do it before we went to centre parks, you know.
05:20Walter is a great servant, but a terrible master.
05:22She's a bit full on.
05:23She's a bit.
05:23Right, well, no one's applied yet, so I can take you up to see the manager if you want.
05:27Oh.
05:28Okay.
05:29Cool.
05:30Right, er, I'll be back in a minute and we can do your induction.
05:35Come on, mate.
05:36Induction, yeah.
05:37I think I'm all a gym works, pal.
05:41Such a pity.
05:4330 seconds.
05:44Start now.
05:45Let's go.
05:50Oh, oh, sorry.
05:51Oh.
05:52Oh.
05:53Oh.
05:53Well, they said I could start straight away.
06:23I used to be a lifeguard once.
06:25The most boring job in the world.
06:28Kept falling asleep until I discovered dexedrine.
06:31What?
06:32Drugs.
06:32Not drugs.
06:33Uppers.
06:34You inject drugs.
06:35My old man, Stanley Mammoth, swore by dexedrine.
06:39Said in the war one time, he said it for four days straight on him.
06:43Drove a tank all the way to Libya in one go.
06:46All the rest of the unit were in Egypt.
06:49Got a right bollock in when he got back.
06:51He wasn't even a tank driver.
06:53Oh, yes.
06:54They don't make him like Stanley Mammoth anymore.
06:57I think I'm going to be fine, Grandad.
07:00I'm actually much more worried about people not listening to me.
07:03I'm not much of a shouter.
07:05I was exactly like you once.
07:07Obviously, better looking, stronger, filled with confidence.
07:11But I wasn't much of a shouter.
07:13Until I found out you don't have to be.
07:15If you've got a trusty whistle.
07:21It's that book over there.
07:22Feet, off the table, now.
07:28It's as simple as that.
07:31Well, I never.
07:33Tony Mammoth, it is you.
07:38Terry King.
07:39I can't believe it.
07:41You're looking so well.
07:43What a treat.
07:45I'm here doing a spot of football with a few other oldies.
07:48Got to keep active at my age.
07:49We couldn't believe it when we heard you were still alive.
07:53I bet you couldn't, Terry.
07:54I bet you couldn't.
07:56Oh, listen.
07:56I'd better run.
07:57About to start the second half.
07:59Oh, it's so good to see you.
08:01Let's have a proper catch-up soon, eh?
08:04Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you, Terry?
08:05You'd like that a lot.
08:06Oh, yes.
08:07I would.
08:08I bet you would.
08:09Yes.
08:10I would.
08:11A lot.
08:19Hi, man.
08:25Everything OK?
08:26Yeah, yeah.
08:26It's great.
08:27It's never better.
08:28I love working here.
08:29I love it.
08:30So, er...
08:31Just wanted to say that.
08:34That is really great, but I really should get on.
08:39Actually, ignore what I just said.
08:41Because, erm...
08:42Well, it's not all right.
08:45Well, it's a bit shit.
08:47Well, not shit.
08:48Just, to be honest, I feel very undervalued.
08:52And I am a valuable cog in this cog machine.
08:58And I demand to be treated as such.
09:02Sorry I didn't know you felt like this.
09:03Yeah, yeah.
09:04Well, I do.
09:05Buddy.
09:07Buddy-o.
09:07So, I would like a pay rise.
09:11Or I will walk.
09:12No ifs or buts.
09:14Sorry, but a pay rise out of the question.
09:17Oh, really?
09:19OK.
09:20Yeah.
09:22Mind games, I see.
09:25Then I resign.
09:28Sorry to hear that.
09:30OK, I formally accept your resignation.
09:32I'll talk to HR.
09:34You can leave immediately.
09:36OK.
09:38OK, I will leave immediately.
09:40Yeah, I am gone.
09:42Just watch me go.
09:45I'm going.
09:46He's still of Easter, baby.
09:47All the best in the future.
09:49Happy to give you a reference.
09:55What?
09:56What?
09:58I didn't say anything.
10:03Where are you going, Auntie Mel?
10:04Yeah.
10:05I think I am, Nathan.
10:11Can I have your parking space?
10:19And he just sat there and let me resign.
10:23What did you do that for?
10:24Because you told me to!
10:26I didn't think I'd get the sack!
10:27The man's got a business to run, Mel.
10:29Kind of a mutiny on his hands, can't he?
10:30You didn't give him any choice.
10:31No, I haven't got a bloody job.
10:33Even Theo's got a job.
10:35Funny how it works out, isn't it?
10:36You lose your job the same day Theo gets one.
10:39Mad old world.
10:40What am I going to do?
10:42Why didn't you, um...
10:43Maybe open, like, a car dealership?
10:47Well, become a professional minder or something.
10:50But maybe.
10:51Maybe it could be a good thing.
10:54You know, a fresh start.
10:55Follow my dream.
10:56Do something that I've always wanted to do, like, um...
10:59What are you saying?
11:01Pottery.
11:03Have you always wanted to do pottery?
11:06It's just that that's literally the first time I've ever heard you say that.
11:08Yes.
11:09Yeah, yeah, yeah.
11:09I think I'd be really good at it.
11:11You know, leave the corporate rat race once and for all.
11:15Make pots with my hands.
11:17Great.
11:18Grandad, who was that man you saw at the gym earlier?
11:28That man, you even call him a man, was Terry Keane.
11:32And he is a right piece of work.
11:37Really?
11:38He seemed nice.
11:39Why don't you like him?
11:41He did something awful to me.
11:43Something unspeakable.
11:46Something I could never, ever forgive him for.
11:48Are you OK, Mammoth?
11:50No, really, Mel, no.
11:52There are some wounds that time simply cannot heal.
11:55What does he yell?
11:56What did this man do to you?
11:59I swore he'd take it to my grave.
12:01But what the hell?
12:04I wish I'd get it off my chest.
12:07It was a dark, dark day.
12:09It's over the 15th, 1978.
12:14Hey!
12:16Terry!
12:16Oh, boys!
12:17How are we?
12:17All right?
12:18So are we, aren't it?
12:19Oh, is that your new car at the front, Mammoth?
12:22The yellow Capri?
12:22It certainly is, Terry.
12:24My pride and joy.
12:26Why are you being a marionette?
12:27No, it's nothing like that.
12:29It's just parked in a bit of an angle.
12:31You might want to straighten it up a bit, mate.
12:34Oh!
12:34Hello.
12:38Oh, Terry.
12:39What a guy, yeah?
12:40Sorry, was that the end of the story?
12:52Yeah.
12:53Did you miss out the part of the story where he did anything bad?
12:56Were you two listening?
12:58Oh, you might want to try to straighten it up a bit, mate.
13:00For Christ's sake, man.
13:04Forcing those words down Terry Keane's throat.
13:06It was the only thing that kept me going under the ice.
13:09Revenge is a dish best served cold.
13:11Revenge?
13:12You didn't do anything.
13:14And how are you going to get revenge on an old man?
13:24Tony!
13:25How's it going?
13:26Oh, I'll tell you how it's going, Terry.
13:28It's going well.
13:29It's going very well.
13:31Good?
13:31Oh, it's good, all right, Terry.
13:33It's very good.
13:35You see, I followed your example.
13:37Signed up for a team in the over-70s football league.
13:39I don't think you're counting as over-70.
13:45Date of birth doesn't lie, Terry, old mate.
13:481935.
13:50Read it and weep.
13:51Oh, guess what?
13:53My team's playing your team tomorrow.
13:55Oh, great!
13:57Oh, that'll be fun!
13:58Oh, it'll be fun for one of us, Terry.
14:00It'll be fun for one of us.
14:02All the fun of the fair, Terry.
14:04All the fun of the fair!
14:08See you tomorrow.
14:09See you tomorrow!
14:10All right, lads!
14:13Guys, can we please watch out for others?
14:21I said, come on out!
14:36So this is a totally fresh start for me.
14:38I think this might actually be my big break, you know, something that's just mine.
14:44I've been watching Shed Loves of Pottery Throwdown, so I am all set.
14:47I think I might sell online.
14:50Clay by mail.
14:51Maybe something a little bit cheeky, you know, like Copperfield.
14:54Right, well, er, thank you for that.
14:58So, if you could all set your clay on your wheels.
15:00Let's pick up from last week.
15:03Oh, it's heavy, isn't it?
15:04Not so easy, eh, ghost?
15:13I think Leanne could use her hand.
15:15It's all right, Leanne, we're all beginners here.
15:18Sorry, I thought your name was Leanne.
15:21No, it's Mel.
15:23What part of Clay by Mel didn't you get?
15:25Er, let's, er, start again, shall we?
15:28All right.
15:30Morning!
15:31Hello?
15:32Morning!
15:33Bonjour, welcome to my cafe.
15:36Would you like to take a little seat, monjour?
15:38You all right?
15:38Yeah, great.
15:39Oui, oui.
15:40Sit down.
15:41I've prepared a special breakfast for us all.
15:43Oh, good to see you.
15:45Ta-da!
15:46Oh!
15:47Coffee?
15:48Yes, please.
15:49Here you go.
15:51Leaking a little bit.
15:52Oh.
15:53Matching saucer.
15:56Wow.
15:57How's your cereal, Theo?
15:58Great.
15:59Well, I suppose you're both wondering where I got my snazzy new crockery from.
16:02No idea, Mum.
16:03You know what?
16:04It must have been really expensive.
16:06I made it.
16:07Oh.
16:07I made all of it.
16:08Wow.
16:09What do you think?
16:09It's really good.
16:11I'm going to sell it.
16:12It's my new business.
16:13What do you think?
16:15Honestly, Mel?
16:15I think it's poor.
16:19I think it's really poor.
16:21I think it's probably the worst thing I've ever seen.
16:23Ever.
16:23I think what Gondon's saying is just that it's early days, you know?
16:27Yeah.
16:27But the colours are great.
16:30I had to disagree with you there, Theo.
16:31I find what little colour there is to be childish.
16:36Just a really poor effort all round.
16:38Disappointing.
16:40Oh, God.
16:43I've quit my job for this.
16:47What am I going to do?
16:48God knows.
16:49Right, come on.
16:51We've got to rock and roll.
16:52I've got to pick Roger up.
16:53He's getting me in shape for the big match.
16:56I'll see you later.
17:15You might want to straighten it up a bit, mate.
17:19You might want to straighten it up a bit, mate.
17:38You might want to straighten it up a bit, mate.
17:40Oh.
17:49You might want to straighten it up a bit, mate.
18:10You might want to straighten it up a bit, mate.
18:12That way we can really increase the reach on our socials.
18:30Hey, guys.
18:31Everyone OK?
18:33I've brought some prezzies for everyone, you know, just to say no hard feelings.
18:36Oh, my friends.
18:37Hola!
18:39Authentic tapas bowl.
18:42What are you doing here, Mel?
18:45How about a nifty little Greek bowl?
18:49Yum-ass!
18:50Don't smash that one.
18:53Can I have my job back?
18:56I'm sorry, Mel, but I've already filled your position.
18:58Already?
18:59How?
19:00Who?
19:01No hard feelings, Mrs Davies.
19:04Mrs Davies?
19:07What happened to Auntie Mel?
19:09I have known you since you were six years old, Nathan.
19:12Auntie Mel, we're in the middle of something, so if you wouldn't mind, just leave it.
19:17I am telling your mum about this.
19:20Not having my plates.
19:24Rude.
19:24Sorry, we won't do it again.
19:36No, you won't.
19:38Out!
19:46No bombing!
19:47I wasn't!
19:48Yeah, you were about to.
19:50Out!
19:51Fifty years married next week.
19:53It gets easier, Maureen.
19:55Trust me.
19:56He's in a better place.
19:57Oh, no.
19:59No petting!
20:00I don't know what I'm going to do with myself.
20:03No petting!
20:07No petting!
20:09Am I talking to my shitting self?
20:13Theo!
20:15A word.
20:16Now.
20:17Now.
20:23Time to straighten you up a bit, Terry, old son.
20:25I have a tiger, Maureen.
20:26Oh, yeah.
20:27Do the talking on the pitch.
20:28Oh, yeah.
20:30Jesus Christ, Margie.
20:31Was that tea?
20:32No.
20:34Hey, my little girl.
20:36I knew be here to support me.
20:38I can't believe you're actually doing this.
20:40It's unhinged.
20:41You're supposed to be here to get fit.
20:42Not assault a pensioner.
20:43Don't worry about it.
20:45It's all going to be perfectly legal.
20:47It's taking every ounce of my strength not to go over there.
20:50Just fill him in right now.
20:52Wipe that stupid smile on his face.
20:53Yeah?
20:54Yeah.
20:54Go on.
20:55Chet.
20:56Captains.
20:57Yeah.
20:57Time for talking is over.
20:58Oh, no.
21:20Oh, no.
21:22Oh, no.
21:23Oh.
21:24Up!
21:26Yeah!
21:31Nice finish! Well done, Tony!
21:34Well, I've not finished yet, Terry, old son.
21:36Not finished by a long way.
21:54Oh, my God, your ankle!
22:06I'll get help!
22:08You'll do no such thing. I'm playing on.
22:10Well, my ankle!
22:12It's fine. I've had worse.
22:14Mammoth, this is ridiculous!
22:16Stop the game! Stop the game!
22:18Don't you dare throw that towel in, Roger.
22:20I've waited 50 years for this.
22:22Help me up, old friend!
22:24Ah!
22:25Ah!
22:26Ah!
22:27Ah!
22:28Ah!
22:29Ah!
22:30Trotting off.
22:31What are you doing?
22:33Oh, no.
22:35Back off!
22:37What are you doing here?
22:38I've been fired.
22:40Why?
22:41I shouted at an old lady and made her pee herself.
22:44Oh, what do you do that for?
22:46Just... I pull my rules, yeah?
22:48Well, never mind.
22:50Now, neither of us have got a job.
22:51Maybe we could hang out, spend some more time together.
22:53Two amigos!
22:54Great!
22:56I think your grandad's broke his ankle.
22:58And he's thrown up again.
23:02Oh, Tony!
23:04I admire your courage, but...
23:06you need to go to hospital!
23:08I'm final, son.
23:10It's you...
23:11that's gonna need to go to hospital!
23:13Oh!
23:14Mamad?
23:15Mamad?
23:16Mamad?
23:17Mamad?
23:18Mamad?
23:19Mamad?
23:20Mamad?
23:21Mamad?
23:22What happened?
23:23It's over.
23:24Terry's team won.
23:252-1.
23:26Terry scored both goals.
23:27Oh.
23:28Oh.
23:29Bye-bye, champ.
23:30Ah!
23:31This is the worst day of my life.
23:32Nobody look at me.
23:33I'm a failure.
23:34So, I just spoke to Nathan, and they're gonna let you come back to work.
23:36So, I've got my old job back?
23:37Nathan's old job.
23:38Technically, you're gonna be under him now.
23:39So, a demotion, then?
23:40Beggars can't be choosers, ma'am.
23:41I think he's mad taking you back in the first place, if you ask me.
23:43Yeah, well, I'm not asking you.
23:44Oh.
23:45Here he comes, look.
23:46Probably trying to stick yet another knife in my back if he can find the room.
23:48Don't be so stupid.
23:49He's actually been very worried about you.
23:50All right, Tony.
23:51Ho-ho!
23:52Soon have you, as you do.
23:53Soon have you, as you do.
23:54Oh.
23:55Soon have you, as you do.
23:56Oh.
23:57Oh.
23:58Oh.
23:59Oh.
24:00Oh.
24:01Oh.
24:02Oh.
24:03Oh.
24:04Oh.
24:05Oh.
24:06Oh.
24:07Oh.
24:08Oh.
24:09Oh.
24:10Oh.
24:11Oh.
24:12Soon have you, as right as rain again.
24:14Do you want to leave me a key so I can take the car back to your house for you?
24:17The car stays there.
24:19The only person who drives that car is me.
24:23And a young lad called Ben I teach, who goes to the off-licence for me, but he looks 17,
24:29so that's fine.
24:30Only as blocking the gate.
24:32Do you want me to at least straighten it up a bit, mate?
24:35You sick bastard!
24:39Yes, please, Terry.
24:40That would be really helpful.
24:42You are pure evil.
24:43You're a despicable human being.
24:44Oh.
24:45You're the lowest of the low.
24:46I can't stand you, Terry.
24:47I never could.
24:48While you aren't near the last of this, Terry King, Tony Barber always has the last.
24:54Take that, Tony.
24:55Open the door.
24:56Take the straps off and let me out the car.
24:57Get down, leader down.
24:58Down, down, leader down.
24:59Down, down, leader down.
25:00Down, down, leader down.
25:01Get down, leader down.
25:02I want all the world to see.
25:03To see you laughing and you laughing at me.
25:14I can take it all from you.
25:18I want all the world to see
25:22To see you're laughing and you're laughing at me
25:28I can take it all from you
25:33Again, again, again, again
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