- 10 hours ago
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00:00How lucky we are to be here boys, on a final day of the decade, the 1970s, and what a decade.
00:22Disco, Kojak, and the mighty Ford Capri. Any questions?
00:26Sir, why were you coming out of Miss Shaw's charlay this morning?
00:30We were planning your New Year's Eve party for tonight.
00:33But it's already planned. You told us all about it yesterday.
00:36Right, Simon. I never kiss and tell. And I certainly never make love and tell.
00:40Yes, well, thank you for that fascinating interjection, Mr. Mammoth.
00:46Now, if I could just continue with the safety talk...
00:49Safety talk, Roger. You're not evil, kind of evil, jumping over buses.
00:53Skiing. Point your skis down the slope. Hope for the best. I'll go first.
00:57But you've never skied. What if something happens?
01:03Then, in that case, I would like you to always wear this tremendously bad.
01:10You're not funny.
01:12You know what? I will need that back. It's my lucky necklace.
01:15Okay, boys. Watch this.
01:16Not that one, Mammoth. It's a black run.
01:20I don't believe in segregation. I believe we're all the same.
01:24That's not what that means!
01:27All right, everyone. Now, in the unlikely event of the avalanche alarm sounding...
01:33Sir?
01:35What's that?
01:36The avalanche alarm sounding...
01:39Mama!
01:40Mama!
01:40Mama!
01:41Mama!
01:42Mama!
01:42Mama!
01:43Mama!
01:44Mama!
01:44Mama!
01:44Mama!
01:45Mama!
01:45Mama!
01:46Mama!
01:47Mama!
01:47Mama!
01:48Mama!
01:49Mama!
01:50Mama!
01:51Mama!
01:52Mama!
01:53Mama!
01:54Mama!
01:55Mama!
01:56Mama!
01:57Mama!
01:58Mama!
01:59Mama!
02:00Mama!
02:01Mama!
02:02Mama!
02:03Mama!
02:04Mama!
02:05Mama!
02:06Mama!
02:07Mama!
02:08Mama!
02:08Mama! Mama!
02:09Oh, thank you.
02:17Oh, that was close.
02:20I would like to buy you a drink at the New Year's Eve party later on to say thank you.
02:28I haven't been up for that long, have I? It is still New Year's Eve.
02:32What is the date?
02:35Attendez.
02:36Talk in the phone.
02:42What is the date?
02:44It's Monday the 1st of January, 2024.
02:57Mr. Mammoth!
02:59Mr. Mammoth told reporters, thank God for this global warming thing or I might never have been found.
03:09Mr. Mammoth!
03:12Mr. Mammoth!
03:15You need direction, yeah, you need a name.
03:17When you stand at the crossroads behind what you're saying.
03:21After a while you get to recognise the signs.
03:25So if you get it wrong you get it right next time.
03:28Tony, what's the story about you and Ann Robinson?
03:30Hello mate, can I interest you in a subscription to the Animal Rescue Hotel?
03:34Come on mate, it won't take long.
03:36Let's go!
03:38No.
03:41That was a liar, yeah, life is a cheat, it'll lead you one of her own.
03:44Mr. Mammoth, you've done my English? It's just on my way now.
03:48No, he's complaining, don't you worry, don't you worry, don't you worry.
03:50Because if you get it wrong, you'll get it right next time.
03:53Whoa!
03:55Tony Mammoth.
03:59Can I just take a quick picture?
04:01Oh, yeah.
04:02Of course you can.
04:03Just...
04:04He shot to fame as the...
04:34Iceman, but this woolly Mammoth
04:35is glad his favourite pub didn't go extinct.
04:39Yeah, yeah, I couldn't believe my luck, to be honest.
04:41I mean, this place hasn't changed at all since the 1970s.
04:43Oh, bit of an exaggeration, Mammoth.
04:47You do a flavour of crisps, though.
04:49This is Barry, same great landlord.
04:51Roger, same great best mate.
04:54Cheers, boys.
04:55There we go.
05:04So, what's next?
05:08What's next for Tony Mammoth,
05:10now that the world has moved on
05:11and your 15 minutes of fame is over?
05:13Yeah, and thank God for that.
05:15Who'd want to be famous now?
05:17Like it was back in the day, is it?
05:18What would you rather do?
05:19Go on the pistol of Oliver Reed
05:20or hit kangaroo's balls in the jungle?
05:23Not that he's done either of those things.
05:25No, I'm going back to do what I was born to do.
05:31This might seem an unusual appointment
05:34as Mr Mammoth is technically in his 90s.
05:37But Mr Freeman is currently indisposed
05:39and Mr Mammoth is fully qualified.
05:42Also, the council insisted we had to rehire him
05:45as it would be ages not to.
05:48Great, moving on.
05:50Just one thing, Mr Cowley.
05:52Have you lost your mind?
05:53He hasn't taught for half a century.
05:56Leave this to me, Pete.
05:58I know this school.
06:00Every room.
06:01Every corridor.
06:03Every cock and ball
06:04scratched into a desk with a compass.
06:06They knocked down the old school.
06:07It was full of asbestos.
06:10The point is...
06:11I died for this school.
06:14Can you say that?
06:15Can you?
06:16Can you?
06:18Can you say that?
06:21I never hit a kid.
06:23Even when everyone was doing it.
06:27Also, if Mr Mammoth joins the staff,
06:30I won't be the worst dressed teacher then.
06:31Very good.
06:36What's your name?
06:37Mr Evans, Carl Evans.
06:38Good job, Carl.
06:40Very funny.
06:44Now, in the first instance,
06:46it'll be a trial period of a term.
06:48Then we'll see where we are.
06:50Oh, and while I've got you all here,
06:52good luck to everyone for parents' evening this Thursday.
06:55Parents' evening this Thursday?
06:56Ha-ha!
06:57Brilliant.
06:58Best night of the year.
06:59I can't wait.
06:59I can't wait.
07:00Where do we go for drinks first?
07:01Ha!
07:02Good one.
07:03Chance will be a fine thing, Mr Mammoth.
07:05Now, unless anyone has any more questions?
07:08No?
07:08Great.
07:08Good meeting, everyone.
07:10What?
07:13I suppose you'd better come with me, then.
07:14Yeah, I should go and meet the head of pee first,
07:16if you want to just take me to him.
07:17I am the head of pee.
07:19Ha-ha!
07:19Yeah, of course you are.
07:21What's next?
07:21Go and get me a tin of tartan paint from the woodwork department.
07:24There is no woodwork department.
07:27What do you do with the thick kids?
07:32Come here, you.
07:33I'll be late.
07:34You can't go in with your hair all scruffy.
07:36What will the girls think?
07:38Or the boys?
07:39You know I don't mind if you're gay.
07:41Yes.
07:41I know, Mum.
07:42You've said it loads.
07:43And as I keep telling you,
07:44I'm not gay.
07:46It's fine.
07:47If you are.
07:48Whatever you want to be.
07:49As long as you're practising safe sex.
07:51I'm not practising any sex.
07:52No, but if you are,
07:53I just want you to be safe.
07:56Hmm.
07:57It's cool.
07:58We can talk about this.
07:59You and me.
08:00Chatting about sex stuff.
08:02Just bodies at the end of the day, isn't it?
08:04OK, well, I'm going to leave the country now
08:06so this is the last time we're ever going to see each other.
08:09Come on.
08:09Give us a kiss.
08:10Just ignore them.
08:13Rise above it.
08:14Don't let them bother you
08:15because they don't bother me.
08:16Hey!
08:17If you scratch my car,
08:19you'll be breathing out your ear,
08:20all you little shit.
08:21Bye, Mum.
08:21Bye, love.
08:24So, these are your schemes of work folders.
08:27Yeah.
08:28Not really a folder sort of bloke.
08:32Well, you are now.
08:36Hey, you can't smoke in here.
08:38I'm not going to walk back to the staff room for a smoke, am I?
08:40Well, you can't smoke in the building.
08:42In any building.
08:47Who's that in the photo?
08:48Your sister?
08:51No, that's my partner, Susie.
08:53Business partner?
08:54Nope.
08:54My girlfriend.
09:01Good for you.
09:08Hey, that Billie Jean King, eh?
09:09What a tennis player.
09:11Remember, I got to see Billie Jean King in 1975 Wimbledon.
09:14Sent to court, just after Jimmy Connors.
09:16I didn't see all the Billie Jean King match, obviously,
09:18but, um, I remember thinking to myself,
09:20hmm, that Billie Jean...
09:21Can you stop talking about Billie Jean King?
09:23I've got loads of parenting and prep to do.
09:27Best night of the year, isn't it?
09:28Oh, those mums.
09:31I know you've seen someone, but always go to our plan B,
09:33in case you and, uh, thingy-bob don't work out.
09:37Oh, thank God for that.
09:39Can you just go teach a lesson?
09:41And try to remember it's not the 1970s.
09:44Two words.
09:47British Bulldog.
09:48Perfect test of speed, strength and stamina.
09:52It's supposed to be badminton, sir.
09:53Badminton.
09:54It's a PE lesson, not a holiday of pontins.
09:57Right, it's just that Mr Freeman says...
09:59Yeah, but Mr Freeman's not here, is he?
10:00Because Mr Freeman's had a nervous breakdown,
10:02and I haven't.
10:03OK?
10:04I haven't got a line-up.
10:06And don't mention the breakdown.
10:07It's confidential.
10:10What's this?
10:11It's a note.
10:11Please excuse Theo from P.E. as he is, what?
10:16Carpal tunnel syndrome, sir.
10:18I play a lot of video games.
10:19Do you know e-sports?
10:20No, I don't.
10:21And I don't want to know.
10:22We're doing real sport today.
10:23So put that away, go and line up.
10:25But my wrist is really sore.
10:26You're a teenage boy.
10:27Of course your wrist is really sore.
10:29Put that away, go and line up.
10:30But, sir, I haven't even got any kit.
10:32I will get you some kit.
10:34Or would you rather I sent you to maths?
10:37Yes, yes, I would.
10:38I like maths.
10:39Really?
10:40Yeah.
10:41So I'm on my way back.
10:44And I know you've asked me not to come into the school again after that swimming lesson.
10:47But I only jumped in because I thought you were in trouble.
10:50Anyway, the weather is awful.
10:53And I don't want you getting cold.
10:54So I'll literally drop your coat off and go.
10:56Love you.
10:57What the hell's going on?
11:16Thea wasn't even supposed to be doing P.E.
11:22And yet I come along and find him getting assaulted.
11:25He got distracted because she interrupted my lesson.
11:27I wouldn't even call that a shit show.
11:29I just saw a lesson.
11:30And what do you know?
11:31About teaching?
11:31Hmm.
11:32Well, quite a bit, actually.
11:33Oh, yeah?
11:33My mum was a teacher.
11:34My mum was a housewife.
11:35Doesn't mean like an eye on a shirt.
11:36You shouldn't have been there.
11:37Simple as that.
11:38It was an emergency.
11:39Theo forgot his big coat.
11:40He could have frozen to death.
11:43I doubt it.
11:44And what do you know?
11:45About freezing to death.
11:46Well, quite a bit, actually.
11:47I froze to death.
11:48Right, well, I think that's all settled then.
11:52No?
11:52No.
11:53My son was excused on medical grounds.
11:55What are you going to do about it?
11:57I want him sacked.
11:58Mr. Mammoth made a mistake, but sacking is extreme.
12:01An ageist.
12:02Ageist?
12:03Yes.
12:03Me?
12:04Yes.
12:04I ran a 10K for age concern, thank you very much.
12:07You dropped out the week before.
12:09Yes, but I trained for it.
12:11You're not helping, Theo.
12:12Well, I'm sure Mr. Mammoth has learned his lesson,
12:14and this won't happen again.
12:17Hmm.
12:18Fine.
12:19OK.
12:20No P.E. for Theo.
12:21Got it.
12:22Lovely to meet you.
12:23Bye.
12:30I've got to go, too, actually, yet.
12:33Trying to get me sacked on parents' evening week.
12:37In the middle of my longest ever drive spell.
12:39That one was Linda.
12:41Lovely Linda.
12:43Died of a broken heart.
12:44Congenital heart failure.
12:45That's the same thing.
12:46Billie Jean King's still alive.
12:49She's 80.
12:50Oh, bit of good news.
12:51Can we, uh, get rid of the board of death now?
12:55Mr. Prez and the regulars.
12:57Barry, we are the regulars.
12:58I want to turn it back into a cocktail board so that I can serve exotic drinks from around the world,
13:05like, uh, gin and tonic, vodka and tonic, rum and tonic.
13:11Drink up, Roger.
13:12You're two points behind.
13:12I'll go at my own pace.
13:15Gin and lemonade.
13:16Well, pick up the pace tomorrow night because...
13:18Rum and lemonade.
13:20I have fixed it for you.
13:21It shall come with me.
13:22It's a pair of...
13:22No, no, my mouth.
13:23Oh, really?
13:24Oh, nothing.
13:25Do not write his name on there.
13:28Gin and water.
13:30Vodka and water.
13:32Rum and water.
13:33All right, Barry.
13:34Tomorrow then, eh?
13:35Me and you.
13:35Like old times?
13:36I don't even work there anymore.
13:38Haven't for 20 years.
13:39Don't worry about it.
13:41I'll get you in.
13:41It's not a nightclub, Mammoth.
13:43You've changed.
13:44Do you know that?
13:45You got really boring.
13:46No.
13:47I've just got old.
13:48Barry's old.
13:50He's not boring, though, is he?
13:51I could rebrand the old place and call it Barry's Cocktail Bar and Pub.
13:59See?
14:00He's still got a dream.
14:01He hasn't given up.
14:02Where's the Roger who could drink a pint in five seconds?
14:05Where's five seconds, Roger?
14:06Long gone, Mammoth.
14:07In fact, I'm five-minute Roger these days
14:11because that's how long it takes me to have a piss.
14:14I'm going home.
14:16I'm tired and I want to have a nap for an hour
14:18because it's bingo night.
14:21I love bingo.
14:23So thoughtless.
14:25Bingo.
14:26What a lot of balls.
14:27A lot of people like it, Mammoth.
14:29No, Barry, I'm saying bingo.
14:31What a lot of balls.
14:33But a lot of people do like it.
14:39Thoughtless me.
14:41Can you believe Roger called me that?
14:42I don't know who Roger is.
14:44Blade of the horn!
14:49Bugger.
14:50Do me a favour.
14:51Go back to my desk.
14:52Get my tobacco.
14:53There's a good lad.
14:54Come on.
15:00Penalty.
15:00Wait for me.
15:05Oh, bollocks.
15:06Oh, bugger.
15:07It's okay, boys.
15:18It's not dented.
15:18I mean, you're all right, though, aren't you?
15:21It's nothing bad, is it?
15:23You hit me with a car.
15:24Clipped you with a car.
15:25Should be using the green cross code.
15:26I wasn't expecting a lot of traffic on the school football pitch.
15:29Too big to look on your bloody cordless phone.
15:31A phone should not be on a football pitch.
15:33Neither should a car.
15:33All right.
15:35Hands up.
15:36I'm not entirely blameless.
15:37But keep this out a little secret, okay?
15:38I think it's broken.
15:39Can you wiggle it?
15:42Your phone.
15:43Is that all you're worried about?
15:44It's new.
15:44I'll buy you another phone.
15:46On one condition.
15:47Do not tell your mother about this.
15:48I cannot lose my job.
15:50Not this close to parents' evening.
15:51Right.
15:51And what will I say when my mum asks what happened?
15:54Tell her a kid kicked you.
15:55Pick out any kid you like.
15:56I'll back you up.
15:57No.
15:58A member of staff, then?
16:00What about that Mr Evans?
16:01One who thinks he's funny.
16:03Tell your mum, you bent down, you pinched your bum and you fell over.
16:07Just make up any lie and I'll buy you a new phone.
16:09Deal?
16:21Cent'emillion.
16:31Very nice.
16:34What did I say sorry for before?
16:36I think subconsciously maybe I still blame you for not finding me in the snow.
16:39Mammoth!
16:39I dug and dug and dug in that snow for six days and nights.
16:44Not even a week.
16:46Still, it's not about Blaine.
16:48My oldest friend.
16:49Literally.
16:49You need to start tricking you better.
16:58Really?
16:58I know you can't come tonight, but I thought a couple of pre-parents used to be enlivening us, like we used to.
17:04There you are.
17:06Don't be shy.
17:06Don't be shy.
17:07Don't be shy.
17:08Come on.
17:09There we are.
17:10Nice.
17:15Do you want to do that first?
17:18There you go.
17:19There we go.
17:22There's a good lad.
17:24Yes.
17:31Listen, before you have that, would you mind, drop me into the do?
17:36I would drive myself, but I've already had two glasses of wine and I don't drink in a drive.
17:40It's not fashionable these days.
17:41I see.
17:43And I suppose you want me to pick you up later.
17:45That's very kind of you.
17:46Yeah.
17:46Cheers, Rog.
17:50Right, let's go.
17:51It's showtime.
17:55It's showtime.
17:55It's showtime.
18:12I'm crazy.
18:12I'm crazy like a fool
18:17What about Daddy Cool?
18:22Daddy, Daddy Cool
18:24Daddy, Daddy Cool
18:28Daddy, Daddy Cool
18:32Daddy, Daddy Cool
18:36Daddy, Daddy Cool
18:40Daddy, Daddy Cool
18:44Cut to get rid of fine car
18:46Someone's lost my tires
18:47The bastards, that's awful
18:50Good luck everyone
18:53Daddy, Daddy Cool
18:57Yeah, Elmo Combo Club, Toronto, 1977
19:01Surprise gig
19:02Got to hang out with Mick and Keith afterwards
19:05You a Stones fan?
19:07Yeah, so I know Tom fell behind last year
19:10Yeah, yeah, they're good guys
19:11Got all this stuff on vinyl
19:12Maybe call over one night when Tom's dad's gone in for the weekend
19:15Pina colada
19:17Sorry to interrupt, Miss Taylor
19:20I just need to speak to Mr. Mum
19:22Excuse me
19:23What the hell are you doing?
19:27I was in there
19:28You can't hit on all the mums
19:29Not just the single ones
19:31Trying to make up women?
19:32On parents even?
19:33Do you know how inappropriate this?
19:34That's very appropriate
19:36Mum gets me, the kid gets a positive father figure
19:38Fit, I'm active, got a good job
19:40I can even take them to school every day
19:42I mean, everyone's a winner
19:43No
19:44Mammoth, don't do it again
19:46Do you understand?
19:52Jason's told me all about his fun new PE teacher
19:54My reputation precedes me, Mrs...
19:57Miss Mason
19:57Miss?
19:59Interesting
19:59He does sometimes make stuff up though
20:01He said you let him drive your car round the field
20:03What an imagination
20:05No, he's a good lad, Miss Mason
20:08Just like in a strong male role model
20:10Yeah, well, there's not many of them, Roger
20:12Sometimes they can be right under your nose
20:14Can't they?
20:19Here's 10p, Jason
20:20Go and get yourself a meritor for the tuck shot
20:22Pick him back, please
20:25Next
20:27So there I was, nine strikes in a row
20:30In the next lane, Mr. Roger Moore, 007
20:33Couldn't believe his eyes
20:34Lovely fellow, by the way
20:35Owner came over and said to me
20:36Excuse me, you need to wear proper bowling shoes
20:38I said, my friend, these are proper bowling shoes
20:40These are Italian, handmade, snakeskin leather bowling shoes
20:43Excuse me, at least, my man
20:45I guess who's in the other lane
20:54Billy Jean King
20:56Next
20:57You'd be willing to do that?
20:59Come round and give him home tutoring?
21:01Anything to get him through his O-levels
21:03What an O-level?
21:04Sorry, I couldn't get parked
21:06What did I miss?
21:08Nothing
21:09We're done
21:10They're my own teeth
21:12I struggle to get shirts to fit
21:14On the sleeves
21:15What are your thoughts on Brute 33?
21:18Pina colada?
21:19I can do this one
21:19I can do that one
21:21I can do both
21:22Next
21:24Next
21:24Next
21:25Poor you
21:28Mum
21:28Can we go?
21:30Dean, I'm having an interesting chat with Mr Mammoth
21:33Shut up, Dean
21:34Nights are the worst, you know
21:36The darkness
21:37Remind me of being under the snow
21:40On my own
21:40It will get easier, believe me
21:42I know all about lonely nights since Dean's, um
21:45Dad left
21:47He just had seen two walking out on you
21:49Do you fancy getting a drink after this?
21:52I could drop Dean off at my mum's
21:54And, er, you could meet me after you finish
21:56No need
21:57I have finished
21:58I'll come with you right now
21:59And
22:00My mate Roger can pick us up
22:01Just give me two minutes
22:02Sorry everyone
22:03I've got to leave
22:04Er, good kid
22:06Tall kid
22:06Nice kid
22:07Not all there
22:08Surprisingly sporty
22:09Okay, let's, er
22:10You ran over my son
22:12No, no, no
22:13Let's not do this now
22:14Let's talk about this tomorrow
22:15No, no, no
22:15We can't talk about this tomorrow
22:16Cos you ran over my son
22:17You ran over her son
22:18No, I didn't run him over
22:19I just clipped him
22:20And the car is absolutely fine
22:22Brilliant
22:23Oh, thanks very much
22:25Yeah
22:26And we had a deal, Theo
22:27I'll have that phone back, please
22:28Get away from him
22:29Did you think you could buy my son silence?
22:31For £700, yes
22:32Well, you can't
22:33Because Theo tells me everything, everything
22:35We're like, we're like best friends
22:37Mum, calm down
22:38I am very calm
22:39Are you staring at me?
22:42No, no, no
22:42Where'd you get that necklace from?
22:44Not that it's any of your business
22:46But it was my mum's
22:47Always wear this to remember me
22:50You're not funny
22:54No, and I will need that back
22:55That's my lucky necklace
22:56Okay, watch me
22:59Linda Shaw
23:01Yeah
23:03How did you know?
23:05That's my lucky necklace
23:06The USA gave me that
23:07I gave that to Linda Shaw
23:08New Year's Eve, 1979
23:10Well, you can't have
23:11Cos my dad gave it to her
23:12The day he died
23:13No, he didn't, I
23:14What?
23:15Everything okay here?
23:17Oh, yeah, great
23:18Mr. Mammoth ran over my son
23:19And now he's calling my dead mum a liar
23:21If you don't sack him
23:22I will be suing the school
23:24Great
23:25Carry on
23:26What?
23:29You're not going to get me set
23:30Oh, really?
23:31And why's that?
23:33Because I'm pretty sure
23:34I'm your dad
23:35No, you can't be
23:44Don't even know your name
23:45It's Melanie
23:47Well, Mel
23:49We've got a lot of catching up to do
23:51But right now
23:54I really need that lucky necklace back
23:56Because I'm dying on my arse over there
23:57I'm a freak out
23:59Look free, say she
24:02Free girl
24:03I'm a freak out
24:07Look free, say she
24:10Freak out
24:11Oh, yeah
24:11I'm a freak out
24:15Oh, yeah
24:16I'm a freak out
24:19You're a freak, say she
24:22Freak out
24:23Oh, freak out
24:27Le freak, c'est chic
24:30Freak out
24:31Oh, freak out
24:35Le freak, c'est chic
24:38Freak out
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