- 1 hour ago
Mammoth - Season 2 Episode 1
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00was engulfed by an avalanche perfectly preserved under the snow he was found
00:06and miraculously brought back to life over 40 years later is this some kind of
00:13joke I'll tell you right now you cannot make tiny mammoth look stupid I did know
00:17the yellow lines there it wasn't a crematorium back in 1979 if anything I
00:21thought the capri had a touch of color and clasped what could have otherwise
00:24been a very very sad day yeah are you listening to a word I say a parking
00:29enforcement please press 5 please press 5 I'm on the phone please press 5 I said
00:36I'm on the phone wait hang on a second I'm sorry I don't recognize that I don't
00:41block your attitude pal put me through to your manager please press 5 oh for
00:47Christ's sake please press 5 yes I can't press 5 can I you dick the phone's in
00:54house I'm outside try speaking the number 5 5 5 5
01:02I'm sorry I don't recognize that number thank you you have selected 2 recycling
01:07Uh huh
01:10you
01:14you
01:16you
01:19you
01:20Now, I don't want to overly worry you,
01:48but this panic attack really should act as a wake-up call.
01:51I have to stop you there, Doctor.
01:53I don't panic, and I never have.
01:55A big drought, 76, everyone else panicking.
01:57I just put my Speedos on and my shades and make some pina coladas.
02:01And how many units of alcohol do you think you drink a week now?
02:0630.
02:0730? That's 15 pints.
02:10Oh, is it? Well, in that case, 60, then.
02:1260! You really do need to start looking after yourself better.
02:16More fruit and vegetables, a lot less alcohol, regular exercise.
02:20Doctor, an avalanche couldn't kill me.
02:22I'm sure a few pints won't make a difference.
02:24Just in case, I want to give you one of these.
02:27What's this?
02:28A referral for free personal training sessions at the local leisure centre.
02:32You really should start thinking about making changes to your lifestyle.
02:36Is it worth getting a second opinion?
02:38No.
02:39Fair enough.
02:39Thank you, Doctor.
02:42The new Tony Mammoth starts today.
02:45Mmm.
02:47Lovely.
02:49Please, Mum, not again.
02:50I'm just saying.
02:52Your university application won't stand out if you've got no work experience.
02:56Will it, Mammoth?
02:58Absolutely.
02:59Never a borrower nor a lender be.
03:01Yeah.
03:03Brilliant.
03:04It's totally your decision, but don't blame me if you don't get into uni.
03:08Hmm.
03:09I mean, it's going to be all the fun of the fair, isn't it?
03:11When you're hanging out round car parks with your mates, smoking wacky-backy.
03:15Next thing you know, you'll be down an alleyway injecting spice into your eyeballs.
03:19Why is it always spice in the eyeballs, Mum?
03:22Fine, I'll start looking for a job.
03:24Great.
03:25I'll start looking for one, too.
03:26Yep.
03:26Can you both look for one in a different room?
03:29You've already got a job.
03:31Yeah.
03:32And I've got a new boss who's an absolute arse owner.
03:35Turned me down for a raise.
03:37Oh, but he gave your weird little mate Nathan a raise.
03:39Nathan's not weird, Maura.
03:41He's 18 and he still plays with Lego.
03:42Yes.
03:43With me.
03:44And it's not Lego, it's Lego Technics.
03:46It's not the point.
03:47Why does he get a raise and I don't?
03:50I'll let you down answer that one.
03:52And I say this out of love.
03:54You're being weak.
03:55Well, you're not weak.
03:56You're a mammoth.
03:57Oh, thanks.
03:58I've been in your position.
03:59A boss taking liberties.
04:01Did I put up with it?
04:01No.
04:02I marched in there and I said you pay me what I'm worth or I walk.
04:06And it worked?
04:08More or less.
04:10Are you joining the gym?
04:11What, some jobs you're a doctor said I needed to?
04:13I said me, a PE teacher, doesn't get any fitter than this.
04:17I think you should join a gym.
04:18What are you trying to say?
04:19Nothing.
04:20It just wouldn't do you any harm, would it?
04:21To get a bit fitter.
04:22For me.
04:23And Theo.
04:25Theo's kids.
04:26Yeah, I don't think Lego Boy's having kids any time soon.
04:32Fine.
04:33Yeah.
04:33I'll join a gym.
04:34For you.
04:35For Theo.
04:36And for Theo's kids.
04:38She's definitely going to have.
04:39Hey guys, what can I do for you today?
04:47I am here for a personal training session with her.
04:51No, Grandad, she doesn't work here.
04:53She's a model.
04:54I see she's a model.
04:55Why did you let her go?
04:57You know, a bloke's leaving in droves.
04:58Are you both looking to join?
05:02No.
05:03Mum and her niece said I had to come just to make sure we actually went through with it.
05:06You still looking for a lifeguard?
05:07Because he's after a job.
05:08Are you lifeguard trained?
05:09Just say yes, then I'll never check.
05:10Oh, no, I actually am.
05:11Oh.
05:12Mum made me do it before we went to Centre Parks, you know.
05:15Walter is a great servant, but a terrible master.
05:17She's a bit full on.
05:18She's a bit.
05:19Right, well, no-one's applied yet, so I can take you up to see the manager if you want.
05:22Oh.
05:24Okay.
05:24Cool.
05:25Right, er, I'll be back in a minute and we can do your induction.
05:30Come on, mate.
05:31Induction, yeah.
05:33I think I'm all the gym works, pal.
05:38Such a pity.
05:3830 seconds.
05:39Start now.
05:40Let's go.
05:45Oh, I'm so sorry.
05:48Oh, I'm so sorry.
06:16Well, they said I could start straight away.
06:18I used to be a lifeguard once.
06:21Most boring job in the world.
06:23Kept falling asleep.
06:24Until I discovered dexedrine.
06:26What?
06:27Drugs.
06:27Not drugs.
06:28Uppers.
06:29You inject drugs.
06:30My old man, Stanley Mammoth, swore by dexedrine.
06:34Said in the war one time, he said it for four days straight on him.
06:38Drove a tank all the way to Libya.
06:39In one go.
06:41While the rest of the unit were in Egypt.
06:44Got a right bollock in when he got back.
06:46You weren't even a tank driver.
06:48Oh, yes.
06:49They don't make a nice dummy Mammoth anymore.
06:52I think I'm going to be fine, Grandad.
06:55I'm actually much more worried about people not listening to me.
06:58I'm not much of a shouter.
06:59I was exactly like you once.
07:02Obviously, better looking, stronger, filled with confidence.
07:06But I wasn't much of a shouter.
07:08Until I found out you don't have to be.
07:11If you've got a trusty whistle.
07:14Well, let's have a look over there.
07:20Feet.
07:20Off the table.
07:21Now.
07:23It's as simple as that.
07:26Well, I never.
07:28Tony Mammoth.
07:30It is you.
07:33Terry King.
07:34I can't believe it.
07:36You're looking so well.
07:38What a treat.
07:40I'm here doing a spot of football with a few other oldies.
07:43Good to keep active at my age.
07:44We couldn't believe it when we heard you were still alive.
07:48I bet you couldn't, Terry.
07:49I bet you couldn't.
07:51Oh, listen.
07:51I'd better run.
07:52About to start the second half.
07:54Oh, it's so good to see you.
07:56Let's have a proper catch-up soon, eh?
07:59Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you, Terry?
08:00You'd like that a lot.
08:01Oh, yes.
08:02I would.
08:03I bet you would.
08:04Yes.
08:05I would.
08:06A lot.
08:08Hi, Mel.
08:20Everything OK?
08:21Yeah, yeah.
08:21It's great.
08:22It's never better.
08:24I love working here.
08:24I love it.
08:25So, er...
08:26Just wanted to say that.
08:29That is really great,
08:31but I really should get on.
08:34Actually, ignore what I just said,
08:36because, er...
08:37Well, it's not all right.
08:40Well, it's a bit shit.
08:42Well, not shit.
08:44Just...
08:45To be honest, I feel very undervalued.
08:47And I am a valuable cog
08:49in this...
08:51cog machine.
08:53And I demand to be treated as such.
08:57Sorry, I didn't know you felt like this.
08:58Yeah, yeah.
08:59Well, I do.
09:00Buddy.
09:02Buddy-o.
09:03So, I would like a pay rise,
09:05or I will walk.
09:07No ifs or buts.
09:09Sorry, but a pay rise is out of the question.
09:12Not really.
09:14OK.
09:15Yeah.
09:17Mind games, I see.
09:20Then I resign.
09:23Sorry to hear that.
09:24OK, I formally accept your resignation.
09:27I'll talk to HR.
09:29You can leave immediately.
09:31OK.
09:33OK, I will leave immediately.
09:35Yeah, I am gone.
09:37Just watch me go.
09:40I'm going.
09:41Hestle of Easter, baby.
09:42All the best in the future.
09:44Happy to give you a reference.
09:45What?
09:51What?
09:53I didn't say anything.
09:58Are you going, Auntie Mel?
10:02Yeah.
10:05I think I am, Nathan.
10:13Can I have a parking space?
10:15And he just sat there and let me resign.
10:18What did you do that for?
10:19Because you told me to!
10:21I didn't think I'd get the sack!
10:22The man's got a business to run, Mel.
10:24Kind of a mutiny on his hands, can't he?
10:25You didn't give him any choice!
10:27No, I haven't got a bloody job.
10:28Even Theo's got a job.
10:30Depending on how it works out, isn't it?
10:31You lose your job the same day Theo gets one.
10:34Mad old world.
10:35What am I going to do?
10:37Why didn't you, um...
10:40Maybe open, like, a car dealership?
10:41Well, make him a professional minder or something.
10:46Maybe.
10:46Maybe it could be a good thing.
10:49You know, a fresh start.
10:50Follow my dream.
10:51Do something that I've always wanted to do, like, um...
10:54What are you saying?
10:56Pottery.
10:59Have you always wanted to do pottery?
11:01It's just that that's literally the first time I've ever heard you say that.
11:03Yes.
11:04Yeah, yeah, I think I'd be really good at it.
11:07You know, leave the corporate rat race once and for all.
11:10Make pots with my hands.
11:12Great.
11:13Grandad, who was that man you saw at the gym earlier?
11:16That man, you even call him a man, is Terry Keane.
11:29And he is a right piece of work.
11:32Really?
11:33He seemed nice.
11:35Why don't you like him?
11:36He did something awful to me.
11:38Something unspeakable.
11:41Something I can never, ever forgive him for.
11:43Are you OK, Marmoth?
11:44No, really, Mel, no.
11:47There are some wounds that time simply cannot heal.
11:50Was he hell?
11:51What did this man do to you?
11:54I swore he'd take it to my grave.
11:57But what the hell?
11:59I wish I'd get it off my chest.
12:02It was a dark, dark day.
12:04October the 15th, 1978.
12:10Hey!
12:11Terry!
12:11Oh, boys!
12:12How are you doing, all right?
12:13So are we, aren't it?
12:14Oh, is that your new car at the front, Marmoth?
12:17The yellow Capri?
12:19Certainly is, Terry.
12:19My pride and joy.
12:21Why are you being, uh, admiring it?
12:22No, it's nothing like that.
12:24It's, uh, just parked in a bit of an angle.
12:26You might want to straighten it up a bit, mate.
12:29Oh!
12:30Hello.
12:30Oh, Terry, what a guy, yeah?
12:33Oh, Terry.
12:34What a guy, yeah?
12:37Hi, Grant.
12:38See you, that was it?
12:45Sorry, was that the end of the story?
12:48Yeah.
12:48Did you miss out the part of the story where he did anything bad?
12:51Were you two listening?
12:53Oh, you might want to try to straighten it up a bit, mate.
12:55For Christ's sake, man.
12:59Forcing those words down Terry Keane's throat.
13:01It was the only thing that kept me going under the ice.
13:05Revenge is a dish best served cold.
13:06Revenge?
13:07You didn't do anything.
13:09And how are you going to get revenge on an old man?
13:11Tony, how's it going?
13:21Oh, I'll tell you how it's going, Terry.
13:23It's going well.
13:24It's going very well.
13:26Good?
13:26Oh, it's good, all right, Terry.
13:28It's very good.
13:30You see, I followed your example.
13:32Signed up for a team in the over-70s football league.
13:34I don't think you're counting as over-70.
13:37The date of birth doesn't lie, Terry, old mate.
13:431935.
13:45Read it and weep.
13:46Oh, guess what?
13:48My team's playing your team tomorrow.
13:50Oh, great!
13:52Oh, that'll be fun!
13:53Oh, it'll be fun for one of us, Terry.
13:55It'll be fun for one of us.
13:57All the fun of the fair, Terry.
13:59All the fun of the fair!
14:03See you tomorrow.
14:04See you tomorrow!
14:07All right, lads!
14:14Guys, can we please watch out for others?
14:23I said cut it out!
14:24So this is a totally fresh start for me.
14:34I think this might actually be my big break, you know, something that's just mine.
14:38I've been watching shed loads of pottery throw-downs, so I am all set.
14:42I think I might sell online.
14:45Clay by mail.
14:46Maybe something a little bit cheeky, you know, like Copperfield.
14:50Right.
14:50Well, er, thank you for that.
14:53So, if you could all set your clay on your wheels.
14:55Let's pick up from last week.
14:56Oh, it's heavy, isn't it?
15:03Oh.
15:07Not so easy, eh, ghost?
15:09I think Leanne could use her hand.
15:10It's all right, Leanne, we're all beginners here.
15:13Sorry, I thought your name was Leanne.
15:15No, it's Mel.
15:18What part of Clay by mail didn't you get?
15:20Er, let's, er, start again, shall we?
15:23All right.
15:25Morning!
15:26Hello!
15:28Morning!
15:29Bonjour!
15:29Welcome to my cafe.
15:31Would you like to take a little seat, monjour?
15:33You all right?
15:33Yeah, great.
15:34Oui, oui.
15:35Yeah.
15:36Sit down.
15:36I've prepared a special breakfast for us all.
15:38Oh, I could see you.
15:40Ta-da!
15:41Oh!
15:42Coffee?
15:43Yes, please.
15:43Oh, there you go.
15:46Leaking a little bit.
15:47Oh.
15:49Match and saucer.
15:51Wow.
15:52How's your cereal, Theo?
15:53Great.
15:54Well, I suppose you're both wondering where I got my snazzy new crockery from.
15:57No idea, Mum.
15:58You know what?
15:59It must have been really expensive.
16:01I made it.
16:02I made all of it.
16:03Wow.
16:04What do you think?
16:04It's really good.
16:06I'm going to sell it.
16:07It's my new business.
16:08What do you think?
16:10Honestly, Mel?
16:10I think it's poor.
16:14I think it's really poor.
16:16I think it's probably the worst thing I've ever seen.
16:18Ever.
16:19I think what Gwyneth's saying is just that it's early days, you know?
16:22Yeah.
16:22But the colours are great.
16:25I had to disagree with you there, Theo.
16:26I find what little colour there is to be childish.
16:31Just a really poor effort all round.
16:33Disappointing.
16:36Oh, God.
16:38I've quit my job for this.
16:42What am I going to do?
16:43God knows.
16:44Right, come on.
16:46We've got to rock and roll.
16:47Got to pick Roger up.
16:48He's getting me in shape for the big match.
16:51I'll see you later.
17:10You might want to straighten it up a bit, Nate.
17:12You might want to straighten it up a bit, Nate.
17:33You might want to straighten it up a bit, Nate.
17:35Oh, God.
17:37You might want to straighten it up a bit, Nate.
17:52You might want to straighten it up a bit, Nate.
18:03You might want to straighten it up a bit, Nate.
18:07That way we can really increase the reach on our socials.
18:25Hey, guys.
18:26Everyone OK?
18:28I've brought some prezzies for everyone, you know, just to say no hard feelings.
18:32Hola!
18:34Authentic tapas bowl.
18:36Ba-da-da-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.
18:39What are you doing here, ma'am?
18:41How about a nifty little Greek bowl?
18:44Yum-ass!
18:45Don't smash that one.
18:46Can I have my job back?
18:51I'm sorry, Mel, but I've already filled your position.
18:53Already?
18:54How?
18:56Who?
18:57No hard feelings, Mrs Davies.
18:59Mrs Davies?
19:02What happened to Auntie Mel?
19:04I have known you since you were six years old, Nathan.
19:07Auntie Mel, we're in the middle of something, so if you wouldn't mind, just leave it.
19:11I am telling your mum about this.
19:15Not having my plates.
19:19Brought.
19:24Sorry, we won't do it again.
19:31No, you won't.
19:33Ouch!
19:41No bombing!
19:42I wasn't!
19:43Yeah, you were about to.
19:45Ouch!
19:46Fifty years married next week.
19:49It gets easier, Maureen.
19:50Trust me.
19:51He's in a better place.
19:53Oh, God.
19:54No petting!
19:55I don't know what I'm going to do with myself.
19:59No petting!
20:02No petting!
20:05Am I talking to my sitting self?
20:08Theo!
20:09A word!
20:11Now!
20:18Time to straighten you up a bit, Terry, old son.
20:20I have a tiger, Maureen.
20:22Do the talking on the pitch.
20:23Oh, yeah.
20:25Jesus Christ, Roger, is that tea?
20:27No.
20:30Hey, my little girl.
20:32I knew you'd be able to support me.
20:33I can't believe you're actually doing this.
20:35It's unhinged.
20:36You're supposed to be here to get fit.
20:37Not assault a pensioner.
20:39Don't worry about it.
20:40It's all going to be perfectly legal.
20:42I've taken every ounce of my strength not to go over there.
20:45Just fill him in right now.
20:47Wipe that stupid smile on his face.
20:48Yeah?
20:49Yeah.
20:49Go on!
20:50Chant!
20:51Captain!
20:51Time for talking is over!
20:53Time for talking is over!
20:54Time for talking is over!
20:55Oh, my God.
21:26Nice finish! Well done, Tony!
21:29Well, I've not finished yet, Terry, old son.
21:31Not finished by a long way.
21:33Come on, Bert. Come on! Come on, Bert!
21:54Ow!
21:55Oh, come on!
21:58Oh, my God, your ankle!
22:01I'll get help!
22:03You'll do no such thing. I'm playing on.
22:06Oh, my ankle!
22:07It's fine. I've had worse.
22:09Mama, this is ridiculous!
22:11Stop the game! Stop the game!
22:13Don't you dare throw that towel in, Roger!
22:15I've waited 50 years for this.
22:17Help me up, old friend!
22:19Ah! Ah! Ah!
22:22Ah! Ah!
22:24Just trot it off.
22:26Oh, no!
22:28Oh, no!
22:30Back off!
22:32What are you doing here?
22:33I've been fired.
22:35Why?
22:36I shouted at an old lady and made her pee herself.
22:38Oh, what do you do that for?
22:41Just...
22:42I pull my rules, you know?
22:43Well, never mind.
22:45Now, neither of us have got a job.
22:46Maybe we could hang out, spend some more time together.
22:48Two amigos!
22:49I think your grandad's broke his uncle.
22:53And he's thrown up again.
22:57Oh, Tony!
22:59I admire your courage, but you need to go to hospital.
23:03I'm fine, old son.
23:05It's you that's going to need to go to hospital.
23:12Mamad?
23:13Mamad?
23:15Mamad?
23:17Mamad?
23:18Mamad?
23:18Mamad?
23:20What happened?
23:21It's over.
23:22Terry's team won.
23:232-1.
23:24Terry scored both goals.
23:26Oh.
23:28Bye-bye, champ.
23:30Ah!
23:31This is the worst day of my life.
23:34Nobody look at me.
23:35I'm a failure.
23:36So, I just spoke to Nathan, and they're going to let you come back to work.
23:40So I've got my old job back?
23:42Nathan's old job.
23:43Technically, you're going to be under him now.
23:45So a demotion, then?
23:47Beggars can't be choosers, man.
23:49I think he's mad taking you back in the first place, if you ask me.
23:53Yeah, well, I'm not asking you.
23:55Oh, here he comes, look.
23:57Probably trying to stick yet another knife in my back if he can find the room.
24:01Don't be so stupid.
24:02He's actually been very worried about you.
24:05All right, Tony.
24:06Oh, soon have you as right as rain again.
24:09Do you want to leave me a key so I can take the car back to your house for you?
24:13The car stays there.
24:14Yeah, the only person who drives that car is me.
24:19And a young lad called Ben I teach, who goes to the off license for me, but he looks 17, so that's fine.
24:26Only as blocking the gate.
24:28Do you want me to at least straighten it up a bit, mate?
24:33You sick bastard.
24:35Yes, please, Terry.
24:36That'd be really helpful.
24:38You are pure evil.
24:39You're a despicable human being.
24:41You're the lowest of the low.
24:44Can't stand you, Terry.
24:45I never could.
24:46Well, you aren't yet the last of this, Terry King.
24:49Tony Barber always has the last.
24:52Take care, Tony.
24:54Open the door.
25:00Take your straps off and let me out the car.
25:02Get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down.
25:13I want all the world to see.
25:18I do see you're laughing and you're laughing at me.
25:24I can take it all from you.
25:28Again, again, again, again, again, again.
Be the first to comment