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00:00was engulfed by an avalanche perfectly preserved under the snow he was found
00:06and miraculously brought back to life over 40 years later
00:12incredible right lunch another three hours of mind
00:30i thought it raised some very interesting issues about modern culture and that you were asleep the
00:37whole film it's three hours long for you i can't be expected to hold in oh my god oh my god
00:47what's going on it's out we isolated it for the kitchen oh nice one boys my lovely house
00:54did you do this i'm perfectly safe thank you for asking because if you did mama i swear to god
00:59no i don't think it was granddad what i mean what don't i lit a scented candle this morning
01:08and i just don't know if i put it out oh theo that's so careless you could have killed us all
01:16mystery solved boys the kid did it just hope to god he's learned his lesson
01:20i'm sorry for jumping to conclusions i got thick skin no in a way i blame myself you know you grew up
01:26without a dad inevitably not to become a proper parent
01:29i'm a very good parent thank you
01:32but i'm back now
01:34and that's the most important thing
01:35and you and you can turn this around
01:37oh my baby
01:40can i have one of the big hose boys
01:43yeah
01:44yeah
01:45excuse me
01:46it's heavy isn't it
01:49yeah
01:50yeah
01:53yeah
01:54yeah
01:59alright
02:01ya
02:03yeah
02:04y
02:07ya
02:12yeah
02:15You can stay here as long as you like.
02:30My house is your house.
02:31Yay!
02:33I've always wanted my house to be like a 1970s shag pad.
02:37Well, what do you think?
02:38Yeah, do I have to sleep on a waterbed?
02:40It's just very bouncy.
02:42It is very bouncy, Theo.
02:43It does half the work for you, if you know what I mean.
02:46See the calendar?
02:46Yeah, made me a bit uncomfortable, Grandad.
02:48What? Why?
02:50It's just art.
02:51All right, July's a little bit spicy.
02:54Just get rid of it, Theo.
02:55Right, best get going.
02:57Bloody gorgeous, Mel.
02:59Oh, thank you.
03:00Where are you going, tupperware party?
03:01No, just start with a friend.
03:03Oh, a friend, eh?
03:05A couple of pretty girls on the town, footloose and fancy-free.
03:08Right, have fun, boys.
03:10Don't look at or touch anything at Grandad's house.
03:12I can't hear you.
03:13Yeah.
03:14Oi.
03:17No.
03:19Fair enough.
03:26Oh, they're both brilliant.
03:31Matthew!
03:32Wow.
03:33You look really good, Mel.
03:34Really great outfit.
03:36It's a weird way of saying it, but thank you.
03:39I love your shirt.
03:41Oh, thanks.
03:42It's from Fat Face.
03:43Oh.
03:44So where are we going?
03:45I think maybe some tapas.
03:48Tapas!
03:48Wow!
03:49Oh, that sounds excellent, Mel.
03:51Really excellent.
03:53These are for you.
03:54Oh.
03:55Shall we go, then?
03:56Um, time for tapas.
03:58Ooh!
04:00You look with your eyes, sunshine.
04:02What are you doing?
04:03Get off him!
04:04What exactly are your intentions with my daughter?
04:06We're going on a date.
04:07Bacon, you bet.
04:08Please.
04:09I don't like him, Mel.
04:10I couldn't care less.
04:11Hi, Matthew.
04:12Nice to meet you.
04:14Fine.
04:16Matthew.
04:17Tony Mammoth.
04:19I might have been a bit out of order there.
04:21You did have your wandering hands all over my daughter.
04:24I'm so sorry.
04:26Could we try for a drink before you go?
04:27Oh, that's such a nice offer.
04:29I'm driving, Tony.
04:30Have you got any alcohol-free beer?
04:33No.
04:35You want some milk?
04:36I love the house, Tony.
04:38So retro.
04:39Matthew's actually a bit of a 70s head.
04:42Well, really?
04:42That's the best decade, wasn't it?
04:43The music, the films, not the tacky, fancy-dressed stuff,
04:47you know, the curly wigs and all that,
04:48but the proper 70s, you know.
04:49Jerry Rafferty, Dirty Harry.
04:51No, you're talking.
04:53Theo, go and get Matthew another milk.
04:54I'll come with you, just in case.
04:56I'm not going to burn down every kitchen I go into.
05:00Oh, the professionals.
05:02Is this the one where Keith Barron plays a terrorist?
05:05Who's a biochemist?
05:05Whose name is...
05:06Nesbitt.
05:09Theo, what did I say to you?
05:12Didn't I say this is the one where Keith Barron is a terrorist,
05:14who's also a biochemist, whose name is Nesbitt?
05:16You did, and I still don't know who Keith Barron is.
05:18As much as I'd like to stand here and talk about Keith Barron again,
05:21shall we make a move?
05:22No, no, no.
05:23Look, me and Matthew are just getting started.
05:24Yes, well, me and Matthew are going for tapas, so bye.
05:26It's been so nice to meet you, Tony.
05:27Listen, have a great night.
05:29Make sure you come back here later for a proper drink.
05:31Right, we're going.
05:32All right.
05:34I'll see you soon, Max.
05:36See you, Tony.
05:37No, take those with you.
05:39Yeah, take them with you.
05:40OK.
05:41Cheers.
05:42Thanks.
05:48Stop rolling around like a Spaniard and kick him back!
05:50Mr. Mammoth!
05:52Skipper, if it's about the loser bib again, I am not getting rid of it.
05:55It's a tremendous motivator for the boys.
05:57I'm open.
06:01No, I just shared from Miss Mansford.
06:04There's been a family emergency, and she's not going to be in for a few days.
06:08I need you to cover for her.
06:12Let's head of PE.
06:13Well, it's more just covering her lessons and...
06:17As head of PE.
06:17So, like an audition.
06:19Prove I can do the job, and then it's all mine.
06:21No, definitely not.
06:23Gotcha.
06:24Makes a lot more sense, having Mr. Mammoth as head of department.
06:28I mean, at the moment, you've got a lion taking orders from a gazelle.
06:31A capable gazelle, possibly, but a gazelle nonetheless.
06:34And a lion would not take orders from a gazelle.
06:36You couldn't expect it to.
06:37A big tiger, maybe.
06:40Possibly a bear.
06:42But I don't really know what a bear would be doing in the middle of the African savannah.
06:47Unless someone had opened a zoo.
06:49Okay, okay, but it really is just for the week.
06:53Nobody is expecting you to...
06:54To dot the I's, cross the T's.
06:57Yes, I think I'd better go home and change it to something a little more befitting,
07:00a head of department.
07:05Thank you, Skipper.
07:05New referee, lads.
07:08Tag the loser till I get back.
07:10Get him, boys.
07:11Get him!
07:21Sorry.
07:22My fault, Theo.
07:23After you.
07:24Oh, look who it is.
07:26Why is everyone being so weird?
07:29Everyone's afraid of you now.
07:30They think you're dangerous.
07:32They think you've burned down your own house.
07:34It's been going around the whole school.
07:36I don't want everyone thinking I'm crazy.
07:38You're Theo, yeah?
07:40I'm Amber.
07:43Oh?
07:43Yeah, I know.
07:45I...
07:45I...
07:46Watched your maths.
07:48Not watched you.
07:50Watched you.
07:50I sit behind you.
07:51If anything, I've actually been looking the other way, so...
07:55Did you really set fire to your own house?
08:00Because you felt that no-one understood you?
08:03What?
08:04Well, of course I...
08:07I...
08:09I did.
08:12Yeah, I did.
08:13I...
08:15I just want to watch the world burn.
08:18You're the man, Theo.
08:32Now, I think the only place to start is with the recent safeguarding issues.
08:37First things first, please, Mr Cowley.
08:39As you all know, I am Tony Mammoth, head of P.E.
08:43Well, no, that's not...
08:44And as head of P.E., things are going to change, starting with funding.
08:52P.E. has been woefully underfunded for years.
08:55Well, no longer.
08:57And on my watch, I'll personally be overseeing construction of...
09:01A P.E. relaxation area...
09:04A P.E. solarium...
09:09And a P.E. rollerball arena.
09:13How are we going to fund all of this?
09:15I've taken the liberty of compiling a list of measures,
09:18which are sadly absolutely necessary.
09:21Chemistry, biology and physics.
09:24Hands up, please.
09:25That is one subject.
09:27Science.
09:27Not three.
09:28There will be layoffs and job shares.
09:31German and French.
09:32Hands up, please.
09:34Interesting.
09:34You understood English.
09:36As do we all.
09:37You'll be reassigned to the P.E. department or offered redundancy.
09:40Well, thank you, Mr Mammoth.
09:42Yes.
09:45Plenty to think about there.
09:47Now, getting back to the safeguarding issues.
09:50Would anybody like to...
09:52Obviously, we all feel that with the current safeguarding issues...
09:55Do I have to listen to this?
09:56Yes.
09:57Fair enough.
09:58Carry on.
09:59We could take further action...
10:00Oh, I've just remembered.
10:02Got to go and give blood.
10:04Yeah.
10:04Just want to make some notes for me.
10:08I'll read those later.
10:09Look forward to that.
10:11Bye, everyone.
10:17My parents are away this weekend, if you want to hang out.
10:20Unless you've got plans.
10:22I never make plans.
10:24You know, what's the point?
10:25It all just goes to shit.
10:29This weekend.
10:31Yeah.
10:32Yeah, cool.
10:34I'll do it on you.
10:39Well, well, well.
10:40Some mammoth genes in you after all.
10:42Good lad.
10:43Grandad, is it okay to pretend to be someone you're not just to keep a girl interested?
10:49Of course it is.
10:51Well, it's just that Amber only likes me because she thinks I'm a bad boy.
10:54The whole school does.
10:56Should I own up?
10:57Theo, don't be such a fanny.
11:01You've got a reputation, oh, that's good.
11:03That's why I spread those rumours in the first place.
11:06Women love a bad boy.
11:08See you later.
11:12Wow.
11:15Oh, Matthew.
11:17Oh, wow, Mel.
11:18Another brilliant outfit.
11:21Yeah, thanks.
11:22Didn't expect to see you here.
11:24I invited him over.
11:26Oh, great.
11:27Without telling me, first.
11:29We're having a Gene Hackman night.
11:31We just watched the French Connection.
11:33Took me back to Marseille.
11:35The time's out there.
11:36What times have you had in Marseille?
11:39Booze cruise with Roger?
11:40No, on a rugby trip to Spain.
11:42Marseille's not in Spain.
11:44Driver was pissed.
11:46Different times.
11:47Another spellbinding anecdote.
11:48You're not going to keep talking, are you?
11:51I'm sorry.
11:52Would you rather have left so you and Matthew can watch your film in peace?
11:55If you wouldn't mind, thanks.
11:58Well, I'm going for a shower, but I'm going because I want to, not because you told me.
12:02Have a great shower, Mel.
12:03Oh, thanks.
12:04You saw the gold back, girl.
12:08Make sure you treat her right.
12:09Oh, absolutely, Tony.
12:10Don't get me wrong.
12:11You're a bloke, and a good-looking bloke, with a fabulous moustache.
12:15Probably fighting the girls off with a shitty stick.
12:17Used to play in the field, but not anymore.
12:20Not only with my daughter.
12:21No, I've never been into playing the field.
12:23I respect women too much.
12:25It's okay.
12:26She can't hear you.
12:26I know some blokes jump from bed to bed, but honestly, I couldn't look at myself in the mirror.
12:33Bloody hell, you're good.
12:35I would not want to play you in poker.
12:38Any plans for tomorrow?
12:39I was just going to see Mel for lunch.
12:41Sack it off.
12:42I've got two free lessons.
12:43I'm supposed to be covering geography, but I don't even like geography.
12:47Me and you, man's day.
12:48A couple of points, a game of snooker.
12:49I'm dreadful at snooker, Tony.
12:50What darts, then?
12:51I'm not much better at the old arrows, either, to be honest.
12:53Well, what does this, then, for a couple of stallions to do?
13:09Ever and ever, forever and ever, you'll be the one
13:17That shines on me like the morning sun
13:25Take me far beyond the imagination
13:32You're my dream come true
13:37Like oscillation
13:41Ever and ever, forever and ever, forever and ever, you'll be the one
13:50That shines in me like the morning sun
13:58Ever and ever, forever and ever, you'll be the one
14:03Just in me will follow you eternally
14:12And then me and Matthew just hung out, you know, talked about stuff
14:22Is that why you cancelled our lunch yesterday?
14:24To be fair to him, I told him you'd have cancelled it
14:26Why would you even do that?
14:28As I was saying, I think one of the care home staff might be stealing from me
14:32But I can't put my...
14:33Matthew is brilliant
14:34And no offence, Rog, it's so nice to have a friend
14:36Who can actually do stuff, cos they're not old
14:38Yes, why bother seeing me at all?
14:41I don't know, really
14:42Sense loyalty, I suppose
14:43Duty even
14:44Another great thing about Matthew, he loves the 70s
14:47He's gonna make a fantastic son-in-law
14:49See you later
14:50Er, Theo!
14:51Make-up!
14:53Oh, I love it
14:54Now, you can be whoever you want to be and I will always be proud
14:59I'm an ally
15:02Yeah, Mum, it's not what you think
15:04It's for girly fantasies in school
15:05What?
15:07Work for Mark Bolan
15:09Now, when you see Matthew later, send him my love
15:13Actually, tell him I said hi
15:14Tell him, tell him Mammoth says hello
15:16Actually, I'm thinking of breaking up with him
15:19What?
15:20Are you out of your mind?
15:21You'll never do better than Matthew, Mel
15:23He's the total package
15:24I'm just not feeling it
15:25You can't finish with Matthew
15:27He's my best friend
15:28Thank you very much
15:30Mel
15:32Matthew's in love with you
15:36He's not in love with me
15:39We've only been on a few dates
15:40He said he's got it real bad
15:42He said, and he'll kill me for this
15:45He said he can't imagine his world without you in it
15:48Really?
15:51Oh, I've not been getting that vibe at all
15:53He's putting up a wall, Mel
15:54He's done it ever since his...
15:58Wife died
16:00His wife?
16:02Dead
16:02Oh, that's so sad
16:04I mean, why didn't he tell me?
16:06I didn't even know he'd been married
16:08Don't want to upset you
16:09Go through all that hurt again
16:10When are you getting over tonight for a meal?
16:13Oh, no
16:14For God's sake, Mel
16:15Have a heart
16:16All right, I suppose so
16:20Thank you
16:21Don't mention the dead wife
16:23Well, now you're finally ready
16:27Can you drive me to this hospital appointment?
16:29Oh, I can't now, Rog
16:32Tell you what
16:33Let me pay for your taxi
16:35Actually, thinking about it
16:37You get a free bus pass nowadays, don't you?
16:39You lucky sod
16:40I'll see you later
16:42Marvellous
16:45Mel wants me to come over for dinner, but
16:48I don't know
16:49To be honest, I'm thinking about calling things off
16:51I mean, talking to you about the places you've been
16:54It's inspired me
16:55I want to see the world
16:56The world's rubbish
16:57Just told you about the good bits
16:59Everything you need is right here
17:02What about Mel?
17:04I think she just sees me as a friend
17:06Couldn't be more wrong
17:07She'll kill me for this
17:09She told me
17:11She loves you
17:13She loves me?
17:15Hmm
17:15Well, that's even more reason to call it off
17:18It's not right to be with a woman
17:20If you're not emotionally on the same wavelength
17:22Can you please be serious for one second?
17:25Just give dinner tonight a chance, will you?
17:27For Mel
17:28For little Theo
17:29He always sees you as a father figure
17:32Really?
17:33Yeah
17:34He'll kill me for this
17:36He told me you're his rock
17:38I don't think we've ever spoken
17:39It's unspoken bond
17:40He said if he went away
17:42He doesn't know what he'd do
17:43He said
17:43He'd probably burn down another house
17:46Or something
17:47But if you're happy with that in your conscience
17:48I really don't want that
17:50I'll give dinner a go
17:51Shall I get this?
17:52No, no, you put your money away
17:53You're a good man
17:55Thanks, Mayneth
17:59Nice bag
18:01Be a shame if someone got on no
18:04Set fire to it
18:05Hey
18:10Hey
18:11You alright?
18:13Miss Weaver's been like such a bitch
18:15She totally had a go on me
18:16Just because I told her
18:17I think her English lessons are pointless
18:18And I don't respect her as a person
18:19Cool
18:20I mean, some English skills are useful for everyday life
18:25I mean, cool
18:28Just want to totally teach her a lesson
18:30Oh, yeah, me too
18:32I am raging on your behalf
18:34Great
18:35In your work, I count on you to do it
18:37Always
18:38Sorry, to do what?
18:42Set fire to a car
18:43We'll do it after school
18:45That'll show her
18:47You're awesome
18:52Deal
18:52What am I going to do?
19:02Grandad, I can't set fire to a car
19:04Don't have to set fire to anything
19:06Just make her think that you are
19:07But as you're about to
19:08Head of P.E.
19:10Tony Mammoth turns up
19:11And puts a stop to it
19:12You still look like a bad boy
19:13You still get the girl
19:15And
19:15You lose your virginity
19:17This weekend
19:18Well, who says I'm a virgin?
19:303.30, South Car Park?
19:32Yeah
19:32Thanks
19:33This better be good, Skipper
19:44As you can see, I'm up to my eyeballs in head of P.E. work
19:47Well, as you're covering, Miss Mansford
19:50I just wondered if you filled in that teacher performance form yet
19:53Peter, please
19:54I'm trying to focus all my energies on being the best head of P.E. I can be
19:58You simply cannot keep pile of work on me
20:00As I said, it's more of a temporary arrangement
20:03And don't forget
20:04You're on the road to supervise detention today
20:06I've already done it
20:08Took about a lesson this afternoon
20:09Detention isn't really a punishment if it's during school time
20:13Yeah, but detention after school is punishing me, isn't it?
20:16And I haven't done anything wrong
20:16Now, if there's nothing else, I read I've got a lot on
20:20Great
20:26I can't believe you're actually doing this for me
20:32It's so cool
20:34Yeah, well, you know
20:35Starting fires
20:37Breaking rules
20:38That is just what I do, baby
20:40I find it's the only way I can really feel
20:43You know
20:44Er, what, what, what time is it?
20:49And here's another for when you get home, Tony
20:52And Gem Roly-Poly and Custard
20:54Oh, who loves you, baby?
20:55Eh?
20:57Kojak
20:57Tell me you've never seen Kojak, Irene
21:00No, Kojak
21:02What's it about?
21:03Telly Savalas
21:04Playing a hard-hitting detective on the streets of 1970s Manhattan
21:07Oh, 1970s Manhattan
21:10Fancy
21:11Jelly, Tony
21:12Yeah, go on
21:14Okay, quick
21:21Before someone comes
21:22Yeah
21:23You know, of course
21:24Oh, oh, you know what might be an even colder way of getting Miss Weaver back?
21:30Like, an e-petition
21:31I think it might shit her right up, you know
21:33Come on, what are you waiting for?
21:35So Kojak's got the hostages out, right?
21:39But Harvey can tell
21:40They've still got him
21:41Then one of his goons says
21:42Kill you's gonna give me great satisfaction
21:44Then guess what happened?
21:46He shoots their faces off
21:47Jesus Christ
21:48No, Irene, no
21:49Kojak's cool
21:50He just picks up Calvary's body
21:52And walks out of there
21:53It takes more than a gun
21:54To scare Kojak
21:56Oh, bollocks
21:57You're gonna do it or not?
22:05I can't do it
22:07I'm not that guy
22:08The fire at the house, it wasn't deliberate
22:12I forgot to put out a candle
22:14A scented candle
22:16This isn't me
22:17But you know what?
22:26This is
22:28So, what do you say?
22:33Do you want to take a chance on the real me?
22:38No
22:39Right, fair enough
22:43Where the hell were you?
22:48I look like an idiot
22:49Amber's gone
22:50You were meant to stop me
22:52I know it looks like
22:55I let you down
22:56And, er
22:58I will kill myself for saying this
23:01I was over there
23:03The whole time
23:05Watching you
23:06Wanted you to learn a lesson
23:07About, you know
23:09Being true to yourself
23:10Rubbish
23:11You were in the canteen
23:12That's a hell of a thing to say
23:13You're on Grandad Theo
23:14A hell of a thing
23:15Jam Rory Polian custard?
23:19No
23:19Actually, yes
23:22Mr. Mammoth
23:23Great
23:24Glad I caught you before you went home
23:26Here's the paperwork you need to do for tomorrow's government
23:29No, no, no, Skipper
23:30I'm sorry to do this
23:31I know it's gonna break your heart
23:32But I have to turn down the position
23:35Of Head of P
23:36I cannot emphasise enough
23:39It was never on the table
23:41Yeah, well I'm taking it off the table
23:42It's too much
23:43The pressure
23:45The hours
23:45The endless paperwork
23:46Almost cost me the most important thing in my life
23:51My best mate
23:53Matthew
23:55I won't be needing this anymore
23:59Let's go, Theo
24:06Great
24:09That is perfectly cooked
24:13Right, I'll give you 50 quid
24:15Call Matthew dad
24:16I'm not calling him dad
24:17I've got a dad
24:18I've got to make everything about you
24:19Hey, hey
24:24Matthew
24:25You look great
24:27You smell amazing
24:30Why is that?
24:32Nothing
24:32I haven't put anything on
24:34Hi, Theo
24:37My favourite little guy
24:39Say hello to Matthew
24:41Hello
24:42He's a bit shy
24:44Me and Matthew have got something really important we need to talk to you about
24:48Before that, though
24:48First course, prawn cocktail
24:51Main course, roast beef
24:53And in the fridge for dessert, angel delight
24:56Both flavours, blue and pink
24:58Matt, Matthew, you might want to take a seat
25:00Come on
25:02Now, Tony
25:09This has nothing to do with you
25:10You're a great guy
25:12But Mel and I have decided to
25:14Break up
25:15What?
25:20Why?
25:21Was it Theo?
25:23We just see each other as friends
25:25Lots of couples start up as friends
25:27Just give it five or six years
25:30Please, don't make this harder than it needs to be
25:32It's over, Tony
25:34Fine
25:38Whatever
25:39We're all adults
25:41You can make your own mind up
25:43It's nothing to do with me
25:44I don't know what I was thinking of anyway
25:47Oh, and a cracking young bloke like you
25:50Who want to spend time with her
25:51A crazy old dreamer like me for
25:54Goodnight
25:56Good riddance to bad rubbish
26:13That's what I say
26:14That Matthew
26:15Absolute time waster
26:17Nothing like you, old mate
26:18So
26:19I set up a hidden camera at the care home
26:22To see if someone was stealing from me
26:24And guess what?
26:25Modern men like Matthew
26:26They're nothing like us
26:26Two blokes who've been through so much together
26:29Two blokes who take a bullet for each other
26:31Inseparable
26:32I don't know what we do without each other
26:36No
26:36I'd love to find out
26:39It's a heartache
26:46Nothing but a heartache
26:50Hit you when it's too late
26:54Hit you when you're down
26:58It's a foolish game
27:02Nothing but a foolish game
27:07Standing in the cold rain
27:11Feeling like a cloud
27:14I don't know what it's over
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