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Reality Realm US
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Short filmTranscript
00:00Merry, merry, merry Christmas to John Foreman and Ella Hooper.
00:09Thank you very much.
00:13Now, in this time of giving and receiving things of little to no worth,
00:17what better time to think of the things that are important.
00:20Not important, perhaps, to you and I, but to others.
00:22Not friends and loved ones, but people like our guests.
00:25The first of whom is either Luke McGregor or Steph Tisdall.
00:28I want it to be a surprise.
00:31Would you please welcome comedian, actor and writer
00:33either Steph Tisdall or Luke McGregor?
00:39Holes, holes, decamoy carly, shopping malls with new Jack Charlie.
00:43Tis the season of sheer falling.
00:46You'll tag down the front seat.
00:48Do you like a rat on a stick?
00:51I already had one backstage.
00:53A bit full, thank you. Are they real rats?
00:56Yes, they're real rats.
00:57Oh, right.
00:58Everything very authentic here.
00:59It's Christmas Eve.
01:00It is Christmas and I too love to have rats at Christmas.
01:05Do you have a lovely Christmas or rat story?
01:07I used to have a pet rat.
01:09Yes.
01:10Until it died.
01:11It's actually the second one down.
01:14I believed in Santa for ages.
01:19Because when I was little I saw a shooting star and I'm like,
01:22that's Santa.
01:23And so well into my very early teens I was still like,
01:28people were like, Santa's not real.
01:29And I'd be like, yeah.
01:30But I knew in my head he was real because I'd seen him outside.
01:33I know he's not real now.
01:35It's Christmas Eve.
01:36Because he crashed.
01:38That is a beautiful story and well told.
01:44It's probably my best story of all time.
01:46Yeah, it's my favourite.
01:48We did peak early, didn't we?
01:50But it is Christmas Eve and you're going on holiday.
01:53This is the premise of the show.
01:54Yes, yes.
01:55You're going on holiday.
01:56Yes.
01:57And you've decided to Airbnb your house.
01:58Yes.
01:59While you're away.
02:00And like most people at Airbnb, you've got this little cupboard
02:02where you put all of your possessions inside the cupboard
02:04and you lock it so that people can't steal stuff.
02:06Yeah, yeah.
02:07Unfortunately the lock is broken.
02:08Oh no Luke, the lock is broken.
02:10It means that people can come in and ransack all your possessions.
02:12They're just coming up the driveway.
02:14Well they'll never be able to steal that excellent story I just told.
02:17So that's good.
02:18That's good.
02:19That's safe.
02:20That's safe.
02:21That's in the car.
02:22Your friends are safe, your loved ones are safe and your photographs,
02:24they're all safe.
02:25Yep.
02:26But two possessions I'm after that you can rescue from inevitable ransacking.
02:29What would they be, Luke McGregor?
02:31Um, obviously my collection of condoms.
02:34I'm kidding.
02:35Sorry.
02:36I apologise.
02:37I apologise.
02:38Well that's how Jesus was born.
02:40I've got a...
02:43I might as well just say it.
02:46I don't want to be embarrassed about it.
02:47I'm a bit of a fan of Ghostbusters.
02:48Really?
02:49And so...
02:50I did not know that.
02:51I just...
02:52Look, I didn't want to make any assumptions when you came in.
02:53No, no.
02:54Yeah, it's just...
02:55I just thought you might be insane.
02:56No, no.
02:57It's just a laundry day.
02:58Alright.
02:59Um, so...
03:00Um, and I've...
03:01In my adulthood spent quite a lot of money on buying Ghostbusters props.
03:03Mm-hmm.
03:04So I would save my PK meter, my Ghostbusters PK meter from Ghostbusters 1 and um...
03:09Yeah alright, nerd.
03:11What's the...
03:12What's the...
03:13What's the...
03:14No, no, no.
03:15What's the second...
03:16What's the second item?
03:17There's a VHS tape of the first thing I ever made.
03:18Ever.
03:19Um...
03:20Directed, starred in.
03:21Um...
03:22And it's on VHS, uh, that I made for my friend's 21st, so I would take that too.
03:26Alright, those two things sound good.
03:27Let's bring them on.
03:28He's got a list and if your name's on it don't matter where you come from, as long as you
03:35are good and kind, you'll get things at Christmas time.
03:39Would you please thank Dominic and Taylor, our elves, for this evening.
03:44Wow.
03:45This is more than, uh, you said.
03:48Is that...
03:49This is, uh...
03:50This is...
03:51This is...
03:52You actually got the...
03:53Yeah, the...
03:54I...
03:55That's not yours.
03:56No, full disclosure.
03:57And I'm like, well, as long as someone else packs it.
03:59And they said, no, you've got to pack it.
04:00So I was too scared to send it, because I was worried it would break.
04:04But this is...
04:05You like that?
04:06Can I...
04:07No, you can't have it.
04:08Oh...
04:09That's the, uh, Neutrona wand, isn't it?
04:10Yes.
04:11So we won't talk about the Neutrona wand.
04:12Um...
04:13Stop...
04:14Stop coveting it, alright?
04:15And the proton pack, that's not yours.
04:17Can we...
04:18Can we turn it on, at least?
04:19Or...
04:20No, we're not going to turn it on.
04:21We're not going to have any fun with it at all.
04:23Did you have a chance to bring yours down?
04:25And you refused.
04:26I couldn't.
04:27I didn't...
04:28I didn't want to pack it.
04:29I was too scared.
04:30It was...
04:31It was a custom-made prop.
04:32How much did you spend getting it made?
04:33Four grand.
04:34Four grand to get this made?
04:35This only cost us, like, a hundred dollars.
04:38Alright, anyway, we're not talking about that.
04:40Okay.
04:41Not talking about the Neutrona wand, or the proton pack, or this, uh, this uniform here.
04:45We're talking about this PKE meter.
04:48And what's a PKE meter?
04:49It detects ghosts, um...
04:50Well, it doesn't really detect ghosts.
04:51Well, it detects, um, the...
04:52Psychokinetic energy.
04:53Psychokinetic energy.
04:54Apologies.
04:55You should know this.
04:56I know...
04:57You're dressed as a ghost buster.
04:58I really...
04:59I really just, um...
05:00Like, it's a...
05:01The job interview was very easy.
05:02What else have you got?
05:03I mean, apart from...
05:04You've got all this, obviously.
05:05You've got all this.
05:06All this happening.
05:07I've got this, that, that, and then I've got all the video games and I've got the trap.
05:20What about where they are stored in the...
05:22The containment unit.
05:23Do you have a containment unit?
05:24No, I've got, like, a laundry, um...
05:27So I can, like, pretend I'm putting it in the containment unit, but it's just a...
05:31It's just a washing machine.
05:32All right.
05:33But this...
05:34Can I take it out?
05:35Yeah, absolutely.
05:36Take that out.
05:37So this is, um...
05:38One of the first props I bought, um...
05:39When did you get that?
05:40About five years ago.
05:41Five years ago?
05:42I thought this...
05:43Oh, this was a childhood thing.
05:44No, no, no.
05:45I couldn't...
05:46I couldn't afford any of this stuff as a kid.
05:47I had to wait till I was an adult.
05:48All right.
05:49How much was that?
05:50This was a couple of hundred bucks.
05:52Wow.
05:53Okay.
05:54But if you paid a hundred bucks for this, um...
05:56I think we should...
05:57Can we turn it on?
05:58Can we just turn it on?
05:59Can we just flip this off?
06:00I'll tell you what.
06:01I'll tell you what.
06:02We'll just turn it on now.
06:03And you act like you're impressed.
06:04That's...
06:05That's the...
06:06Oh.
06:07It does work!
06:08Okay.
06:09No, no.
06:10Leave it alone.
06:11Leave it alone.
06:12We'll turn it off.
06:13All right.
06:14You're not to touch it, all right?
06:15Okay.
06:16Did you know that this is related to a film called Ghostbusters?
06:17What was that?
06:18I haven't seen it.
06:19Have you seen the film?
06:20You have seen the film?
06:21You have seen the film?
06:22I have seen it.
06:23Yeah, many times.
06:24Now, when did it come out?
06:251980...
06:26I think?
06:27Probably a bit later, right?
06:2881?
06:2982.
06:3082?
06:31And when were you born?
06:3282.
06:33Okay.
06:34So you saw it when you were one year old?
06:35I saw it when I was about ten, but I...
06:37Still pretty young.
06:38No, earlier I was...
06:39But it was good, because I used to be scared of ghosts, any sort of monster.
06:53I used to struggle to go to the toilet by myself.
06:55Hang on, hang on, hang on.
06:57So before Ghostbusters, were you scared of ghosts?
07:00Yes.
07:01Why were you scared of ghosts?
07:03Well, you know the film It with Stephen King?
07:08By Stephen King?
07:09Yeah, the one with the clown that eats children.
07:11So this is the Tim Curry version?
07:12Yeah.
07:13This is a mini-series?
07:14Yeah, so I watched that.
07:15Hang on, how old were you when you watched that?
07:17I was very young, but I'd seen...
07:20Mum and Dad were watching some horror film.
07:21It wasn't It, but it was like Poltergeist or something.
07:24I can't remember, but...
07:25Oh, The Exorcist?
07:26So I'd sort of...
07:27So how old were you when you watched The Exorcist?
07:30I only saw a little bit, I was young.
07:33I was like...
07:34Mum and Dad weren't very attentive that I was in the background.
07:38I don't want to be judgemental, but your mother and father sound like terrible parents.
07:43They weren't great.
07:45So they let you watch It?
07:46They let you watch Poltergeist?
07:48Yeah.
07:49They just didn't stop me.
07:50So I would sort of wander into the background and they'd be like...
07:53That's fine.
07:55So...
07:56I got very scared of going to the toilet by myself, but when Ghostbusters came out...
07:59Why were you scared of going to the toilet?
08:01Well, it lives in the toilet, but also...
08:02Who lives in the toilet?
08:03The clown lives in the toilet.
08:05Well, he doesn't live in the toilet, he lives in The Swords, but he has access to the toilet.
08:07Okay, so Tim Curry lives in the toilet.
08:09Tim Curry...
08:11Yes.
08:12You thought that he lived in the toilet.
08:14That's difficult for a young boy.
08:16How old are you? Nine, ten years old?
08:17I didn't think the actor lived in the toilet, but I did think there was a clown that ate
08:21children who had access to toilets.
08:23Okay, so you thought Pennywise lived in your toilet?
08:25I thought Pennywise was living in my toilet.
08:28Alright.
08:29Now, did seeing Ghostbusters make that...
08:30Which makes you wonder, what's he doing in the downtime?
08:34That's the first thing I was thinking when you were telling that story.
08:38Did Ghostbusters help?
08:39Because that's got...that's pretty scary to do.
08:41Well, yeah, because they used science to capture the ghosts.
08:44So all these things I was afraid of, I could just point this thing at them and trap them.
08:50It's not easy doing a number two wearing a proton pack.
08:53It did help me go from my room to the toilet without fear with my Ghostbusters toys.
09:01Who did you relate to in Ghostbusters?
09:03When you saw it as a nine-year-old, I imagine there would have been characters that you would
09:06have associated with more than others.
09:07Oh, Egon.
09:08Egon Spengler, yes?
09:09Just because he has glasses and I'm also short-sighted.
09:12He invented the...
09:13He invented the stuff.
09:14He came up with it.
09:15So he took a fear that he had and then turned it into something he could deal with.
09:20So him and Ray...
09:21Ray was the Dan Aykroyd character?
09:22Yeah.
09:23Ray really loved his job and was really curious.
09:25I think I'm curious.
09:26And then Egon was a really good inventor.
09:28Not that I can invent anything, but I'd like to think that we'd be mates.
09:32What about the comedy aspect?
09:34Because it's actually a comedy film as well.
09:36Have you picked up that?
09:37Yes, I have chuckled.
09:38Did you see anything that helped inspire you to become a comedian?
09:41Because you're a comedian, aren't you?
09:42Yeah, I think so.
09:43They used humour a lot in that film.
09:45And I tend to use humour when I'm in dire straits.
09:48Like when I was growing up and I was bullied, I thought if I could make the bully laugh,
09:53maybe he won't hit me or hit me as hard.
09:55So that was a good...
09:56God, it's really sad.
09:57So that was really good.
09:59So comedy was...
10:00It's like my go-to.
10:02I definitely will do therapy eventually.
10:05But for the moment...
10:07What about Tim Curry?
10:08Have you come to terms with his other roles?
10:10After I saw him at Home Alone...
10:12Oh, he's in Home Alone 2, aren't you?
10:13He's in Home Alone 2.
10:14Along with Donald Trump, I think?
10:15So it's Donald Trump, yeah.
10:18It spoils it, doesn't it?
10:20It does.
10:21Looking back...
10:22He had a small supporting role in Hunt for Red October.
10:24Have you seen that?
10:25Donald Trump did.
10:26No, no, no.
10:27No, no.
10:28If we know anything about Donald Trump, we know that he doesn't like submarines.
10:32We know that.
10:34But have you considered that Tim Curry, who of course played a clown...
10:37Yeah.
10:38...in It may well have inspired you to become, in a way, many ways, a clown?
10:42I don't think so.
10:43It made me hate clowns.
10:45But I do like eating children.
10:47So that's...
10:48Yeah.
10:49I like the fact that you like Egon Spengler, because he's of course played by Harold Ramis.
10:54Yeah.
10:55Who became a film director.
10:56That leads us very neatly onto this item here.
10:58Oh, yeah.
10:59Yeah.
11:00Which is your first film that you would have ever directed.
11:02I haven't seen this in a long time, because I don't have a VHS player.
11:05It's been about maybe 20 years or something.
11:07How long ago did you make it?
11:0820 years ago.
11:09I'm 42 now.
11:10I was 21 when I made it, so...
11:12And you made it for...
11:13My friend Mikaela used to buy me these weird gifts every year,
11:17and I never knew what to buy her, so I thought I'll make a video of all the embarrassing
11:21situations they've got me into.
11:22Have you seen it yet?
11:23I thank you for sending it in.
11:25And I did watch it.
11:27I don't say anything racist or...
11:29You don't say anything racist, but there is a lot of things that will embarrass you
11:33about it.
11:34Okay.
11:35Do you remember how long it is?
11:36Is it under 10 minutes?
11:37It's under 10 minutes.
11:38It's seven minutes of the most boring content I've ever seen.
11:42But, now you've explained the context of it, because what you're doing is celebrating
11:46you and Mikaela have been giving each other crappy presents.
11:49Yeah.
11:50This is the apotheosis of a crappy gift to give your friend.
11:54Yeah.
11:55That was the logic behind it, wasn't it?
11:56Yeah.
11:57But my wife's indigenous, and my wife said, look, you're a 21-year-old white man back
12:03then, you should probably pre-watch it before you put it on TV.
12:06And I didn't.
12:07So...
12:08Well, you don't trust me, because we digitised it.
12:11Yeah.
12:12Which I suspect is the reason you've wanted it in the first place, so the ABC would digitise
12:17it so you could see it.
12:18Yeah.
12:19When was to get a free proton pack in to get that digitised?
12:21Well, we...
12:22And then some free wrap.
12:23I cut it down a little bit...
12:24Oh, please.
12:25...to one frame.
12:26This is you introducing it.
12:29This is a picture of you introducing it.
12:31Alright.
12:32And you've got a Christmas tree there, so I'm assuming Mikaela's birthday was around about
12:35Christmas time.
12:36Yeah, December 20th.
12:37That's nice.
12:38Isn't that nice?
12:39Yeah.
12:40What a coincidence.
12:41But we thought that'd be a bit dull just showing one frame, so I managed to pad it out
12:45to four seconds.
12:47This involves the frog.
12:48Do you remember the frog as a gift that you were given by Mikaela?
12:51I was given a frog that whenever you moved it, it made a freddup sound.
12:56A what?
12:57A freddup.
12:58Freddup?
12:59You mean ribbit.
13:00Oh, ribbit!
13:01Did I combine freddup and ribbit?
13:06Who's to say who's wrong or right?
13:07It's Christmas.
13:08Well, I'm pretty sure it's me, but this particular frog goes freddup.
13:14And so I had it in my school bag walking home, and I grew up in kind of a rough neighbourhood.
13:21And as I was walking home, there were these, some kids from another school were hearing
13:25my backpack go, ribbit, ribbit.
13:27And so I recreated that with the magic of film.
13:30Well, let's have a look at this wonderful clip from a VHS tape.
13:35Why have you got it?
13:36Didn't you give it to her?
13:37Isn't it impressive?
13:38Oh, you had two?
13:39I got two, yeah.
13:40She has one?
13:41Yep.
13:42Does she like it?
13:43There's a reason you cut it down to four seconds.
13:47Let's have a look at this beautiful gift to Michaela some 20 years ago.
13:52Cut down to four seconds.
14:03Fantastic.
14:05That's great.
14:06I'll be signing them out the back if you want to buy a copy.
14:11Now, you tell us about Michaela, because she was obviously a good friend of yours.
14:15And is she still a good friend of yours?
14:16We're not that close anymore.
14:17We sort of parted ways.
14:19I'm starting to wonder if maybe because of the quality of the thing I gave her as a
14:24present.
14:25We grew up together, but we didn't have a really good work close.
14:27But you lived together though, didn't you?
14:28Yeah, we lived together.
14:29It was really weird.
14:30We were both introverts and so we'd both sort of retreat to our rooms.
14:35And then, like, I'd have someone around and they'd say, oh, where's your housemate?
14:39I'm like, I don't know.
14:40We were both very private and both very introverted.
14:43So it was kind of perfect.
14:44So it was a platonic friendship?
14:45It was a platonic friendship.
14:46Never any chance or any opportunity or any desire to make it a romantic?
14:50No, we never were that close.
14:52It was never romantic.
14:53It was a strange relationship of just two people who started buying each other dumb gifts,
14:57but then it just didn't stop.
14:59I think I invited her to one of my birthdays and she bought me something silly.
15:02So then I bought her something silly.
15:04And then once a year we would do this thing for each other.
15:06Was it a bit like, you know, you did that, remember that thing you did, that Rosehaven
15:09show?
15:10Remember that?
15:11I do remember it.
15:12Do you remember that?
15:13Yeah, yeah.
15:14That relationship you have with Celia's character is a platonic friendship.
15:16You don't often see that explored in television.
15:17No.
15:18Well, Celia and I are besties in real life.
15:19So that was, um, we were gonna kiss in the first season, but then we delayed it.
15:23And then we told ABC we'd kiss at the end of the second season and then we still didn't.
15:27And then by the third season people were kind of on board that we were never gonna kiss.
15:30Mm-hmm.
15:31But we have kissed in real life once at a comedy after party and people were daring to kiss
15:38each other.
15:39And Celia's and I kissed, but I don't remember it.
15:41Celia's told me that that's what happened.
15:42Did you black out?
15:43No, I was just pretty drunk.
15:45So she remembers the kiss, but you don't?
15:47That's very interesting.
15:48Yeah.
15:49Real power play, right?
15:50Yeah.
15:51What did she tell you about the kiss?
15:52Was she moved by the kiss?
15:54No, it was pretty run-of-the-mill.
15:55Was it just a peck on the cheek?
15:57I think it was lip-locked, but no tongue.
15:59Why do you think that?
16:00Well, I would have had Invisalign at the time.
16:02It would have prohibited some of the bigger moves.
16:07So in a way you've gone further with Celia than you ever did with Michaela.
16:12Are you making anything more with Celia?
16:14We've started writing something new.
16:16Not Rosehaven?
16:17No, Ghostbusters 4.
16:19Look forward to it.
16:21The original pitch for Rosehaven, we ended up changing it with these two real estate agents
16:26who only sold haunted houses.
16:29They'd be showing people through and going, the walls bleed but it only happens at midnight
16:33and it'll be gone by the morning.
16:35Like it was a fun sketch, but we couldn't work it out into that many seasons.
16:39But that was the original pitch.
16:41My mum sold a murderous house once and...
16:46OK, hang on a sec.
16:48So this wasn't a house that you and your parents and family lived in?
16:54No, mum was a real estate agent.
16:55Oh, I see.
16:56Sorry, I should have said that first.
16:58And the murderer asked mum if...
17:02Hang on a minute, she was acting on behalf of the murderer?
17:05Yeah.
17:06Anyway, the murderer asked mum if they could help get rid of my stuff.
17:08Because I can't use it anymore, I'm in jail.
17:10And the PlayStation that we had growing up, I found out years later was the murderous PlayStation.
17:15It's OK, I didn't play the same video games as them, so I'm not going to murder anyone.
17:22Did you use the PKE meter to detect anything in the PlayStation?
17:27Yes, there was a finger of one of their victims.
17:30No.
17:31The PlayStation was...
17:32I don't want to be ghoulish about this.
17:33No, no, no.
17:34Because it's Christmas Eve.
17:35Yes.
17:36How did the person get murdered?
17:37I think they were hit over the head with a PlayStation.
17:42I'm not sure.
17:43No, I don't know.
17:44I don't know how the murderer murdered.
17:46I just knew that that PlayStation was the former murderer's PlayStation.
17:49Like, I like to separate the PlayStation from the murderer.
17:53Look, you've come a long, long way from being scared of Tim Curry in your toilet.
17:58Don't get me wrong, if I found a clown in the toilet, they would scar me for life.
18:01I'd be ruined.
18:02OK.
18:03No, no, that's all right.
18:05If you want to use the toilet here at the ABC, I can assure you that there is no clown
18:09in it.
18:10That's something that someone would say that's organised a bunch of clowns in the toilet.
18:15Well, Merry Christmas.
18:16It's going to be a surprise.
18:17Would you please thank Luke McGregor?
18:22And we'll be back right after this.
18:25Coming up tonight, a feeling of listlessness, followed by nausea and vomiting from the producers
18:31of murder in paradise and difficulty sleeping with Michael Portillo.
18:36Well, welcome back.
18:37Like most presents on Christmas Day, you save the best one to open last.
18:41You weigh them up, shake them, feel their shape as best you can to find out whether it's rubbish
18:46or not.
18:47That's all we've done here tonight.
18:49Got the cheap stocking filler out of the way first, so we can enjoy the thrill of tearing
18:53the wrapping off the gift that we really want.
18:56Would you please welcome comedian, actor and writer, Steph Tisdall.
19:00Hey, hey, very, very ding-dong, ho, ho, ho, ho.
19:06Everybody sings on egg and nog and racers.
19:09Cheers!
19:11Yes!
19:12Are they actually rats?
19:13Yes, they're actually rats.
19:14We had them flown in.
19:15You don't want one now?
19:16Maybe a little bit later.
19:17You're going off.
19:18Alright, alright.
19:19Reject the one bit of kindness I offer you.
19:20I'm very sorry.
19:21They look lovely.
19:22Are they actually real food?
19:23Oh, they are real food.
19:25They are real food.
19:26Rat is an actual food.
19:27Wow.
19:28Traditional in some countries, isn't it, Luke?
19:30Yes.
19:31Can I ask you, is that a Christmas gift for me, that lovely wrapped ribbon on your finger?
19:37Well, it's just, it's called a finger cot, but it looks like a tiny condom.
19:41To cover that up.
19:42It's not that tiny.
19:45Sorry, it looks like an average sized condom.
19:47Sure, that's better.
19:48So, to try and make it nicer, we've put a bow on it, but...
19:52What have you done to your finger?
19:54I chopped the top of my finger off.
19:55What?
19:56Yes.
19:57Was it cooking or practising with a sword?
19:59It was cooking.
20:00I was actually trying to do a really nice gesture for my partner.
20:03She went for her height.
20:04Was the gesture this?
20:05That's a nice thing to do.
20:09Was it vegetarian, largely, up until that point?
20:12Yeah, exactly, yeah.
20:13And then I made blood pudding, so...
20:16Hey, I hear Little Bird tells me that it's Christmas Eve.
20:20Yes.
20:21But it's not just Christmas Eve.
20:22No, it's not just Christmas Eve, thank you.
20:24What is this?
20:25A very special day for you, isn't it?
20:26It's my birthday.
20:27It's your birthday.
20:28It's your birthday.
20:30I have a present for you.
20:31Thank you so much.
20:32I have a present for you.
20:33Happy birthday.
20:34Wow, thank you so much.
20:35I haven't got a present for you because it's not your birthday.
20:37No.
20:38And I do want to give everybody Christmas presents.
20:40But Steph, I suspect, probably ends up having a bit of difficulty...
20:44Thank you so much.
20:47It's the Ghostbusters original motion.
20:49That's right.
20:50That is for you.
20:52That is the 2016 version.
20:53I will listen to them.
20:54Will you?
20:55Yeah, like I genuinely will.
20:56That's nice.
20:57Yeah.
20:58Isn't that lovely, Luke?
20:59Lovely present.
21:00That's a great gift.
21:01Is that a problem for you?
21:02I'm sort of assuming that you kind of get the raw end of the pumpkin...
21:05Yeah.
21:06...as they never say about when it comes to Christmas and your birthday.
21:09Yes, actually.
21:10Yes.
21:11And I remember when I was 10, I got given a present from somebody that said,
21:15Merry birthday.
21:16And it was 10 bucks.
21:18So I got 5 bucks for birthday, 5 bucks for Christmas.
21:20So it was a single $10 note.
21:22Yep.
21:23And you were expected to interpret that as being $5 for each of the days.
21:27Well, it said Merry birthday.
21:29Right.
21:30I'm angry on your behalf.
21:31Thank you so much.
21:32Who did this to you?
21:33I'll speak to them.
21:34Stupid mum and dad.
21:35And you know what?
21:36When I was born, I got strangled by the umbilical cord and then got jaundice.
21:41And so I had to stay overnight in the humidity crib.
21:43And so when they went in to get me on Christmas day, the nurses had wrapped me in Christmas paper.
21:48That's lovely.
21:49Yeah.
21:50Well that is very interesting that you are then presented by the nursing staff of this hospital
21:57as a Christmas present.
21:58Yeah.
21:59For your mother and father.
22:00I know.
22:01And they spend the rest of their lives short changing you on your birthday.
22:03Yeah.
22:04I know.
22:05All right.
22:06Okay.
22:07Now you two have entered the short term housing market.
22:09Yes.
22:10Like Luke.
22:11You've got all your possessions.
22:12You're putting them in a cupboard.
22:13Unfortunately, like Luke, the cupboard is broken, can't be locked.
22:15Oh no.
22:16Yeah.
22:17So which two items do you save because they're just coming up the driveway and they're going
22:20to come back.
22:21Other than that CD that you just got.
22:22Yeah.
22:23Keep that.
22:24That's all right.
22:25That's safe.
22:26That's safe.
22:27Okay.
22:28Look Sean, I'm going to save my theory board and my gluggle jug.
22:29I don't know what they are but I want to see it.
22:30You weren't returned on Boxing Day were you?
22:45I actually don't know.
22:46I don't remember Sean.
22:47Really?
22:48Okay.
22:49Now tell me about this thing.
22:50What's it called?
22:51It's called a theory board.
22:52Never heard of a theory board in my life.
22:53Yes.
22:54Yeah.
22:55Well that's because you're old.
22:56So it's...
22:57She's right.
22:58I'm sorry.
22:59Alright.
23:00So what sort of thing is this?
23:01It's like a MIDI keyboard.
23:02It's like an interface for the computer.
23:03And what's a MIDI keyboard?
23:04I don't really know.
23:05It's like an interface for music for the computer.
23:08Excuse me.
23:09John, what's a MIDI keyboard?
23:10It's like an interface for music.
23:12I don't know how to describe it.
23:17Is it a kind of predictive text for chords and things like that?
23:20Is that how it works?
23:21Yes actually, yes it is.
23:22So it's for production of music.
23:23It's not about me.
23:28So it's like a...
23:29It's for producing music.
23:30So I've got a very easily distractible brain and I find it really hard to write.
23:35Like when I'm writing shows and when I was writing my book and all that, it was like,
23:38I could get easily distracted and I'd go, oh no, I'm going to get writer's block.
23:42And I listened to this podcast once that said that we always think that creativity comes in waves of motivation and it doesn't.
23:49It's a muscle like anything else you need to...
23:51I did not know that.
23:52Yeah.
23:53You can train your brain to be creative.
23:55And so when you're really, really stuck, the best thing to do is to consume creativity and to learn something that is so far out of your normal world that it starts those synapses firing.
24:05And so I got into making music on my phone on GarageBand.
24:10Can you actually play an instrument though?
24:12I can sort of play the piano but that's about it.
24:15Right.
24:16I have very basic understanding of music theory because my mum played the piano when we were growing up so she taught all of us.
24:22You grew up with a piano in the house?
24:23Yes.
24:24Yes, we did.
24:25And your mother plays?
24:26Yeah, she plays very well.
24:27Do you have siblings?
24:28Yes, I've got three older brothers.
24:29Do they play anything?
24:30My oldest brother is a proper musical genius, like just one of those like prodigies, can pick up anything and just play it.
24:38You don't have that ability?
24:39No, I don't.
24:40Okay.
24:41Hence why I got the theory board.
24:42So I have this basic understanding of music but I get too confused too easily, I can't remember everything.
24:49So I was watching a whole bunch of YouTube videos about production and people taking weird samples of things and trying to turn them into songs, you know.
24:58And I just thought if I could see patterns in music, like I just understood how complex it was and how, you know, we kind of go, oh, well, music's really gone to shit, you know.
25:08What about real music?
25:09And you're like, man, this stuff's really hard because you're taking things, you're cutting them down, you're spinning them backwards and pieces.
25:16It's like art, it's like the painting version.
25:19Like a collage?
25:20Yeah, that's actually the perfect way.
25:22I think it's like a collage.
25:25It's not about me.
25:27And so I wanted to learn but I kept on getting confused over which chords were which.
25:32And so I found this thing, it's called a theory board and it was a crowdfunded project where they were trying to get people who weren't great at music theory.
25:40So this is not available in the shops, you can't buy it?
25:42No.
25:43So I told my family for my 30th birthday that I have, like, all I want for my birthday or Christmas.
25:48I just, it's really expensive, it's from the US.
25:51I think it was like 600 or 700 bucks.
25:54That's a lot of money.
25:55Yeah, it's a lot of money.
25:56Okay.
25:57I don't know.
25:58Yeah, yeah.
25:59That's good.
26:00That's impressive.
26:01But I, um, but it was such a big deal for me to ask because I knew it was a lot of money.
26:11And they all got together and they all split it across them to get me this.
26:15And it was so lovely because it was from this crowdfunded thing, like I don't think it was that easy to get a hold of.
26:20And so the gesture of it meant a lot.
26:22And I have, like, just spent days when I'm really lost in other things or feeling overwhelmed, just focusing on, like, just putting together little songs.
26:33Right.
26:34You're tricking these muscles that you've been talking about, giving them a bit of a rest, and then you turn around and say, well, it's your turn, let's write something.
26:40Yes.
26:41Can you play us something?
26:42I mean, sure.
26:43I don't really, it's more like, because the way that it works, right, is you have a program on the computer.
26:48Producing is more about the program, which I suck at computers, so I'm not very good at it.
26:51So you can't play a musical instrument and you're no good at computers?
26:54No.
26:55No, look, I'm not good at most things if I'm honest about it, but, um, so, so what it does,
27:00right?
27:01Luke, did you want to check whether there's any psychokinetic energy?
27:04Because of the PlayStation thing.
27:06Yeah.
27:07It's clean.
27:08It's clean.
27:09It is weird because my mum actually sold this murderer's house.
27:14So what it does is these are all single notes.
27:20And they're sort of done in, in octaves.
27:25Um, and then on this side, it pre-programs in, um, all of the notes play at the same time
27:30for that.
27:31Okay, so if you pick a note then, the chords are suggested that would likely follow that
27:34particular.
27:35Yeah, pretty much.
27:36So at the moment I've set it on the major G chord.
27:39And so when I press this, it's saying that's G.
27:42That's happy.
27:43That sounds like a Christmas song.
27:44Already.
27:45Yes.
27:46Let's go.
27:47Oh, D minor.
27:48Oh, it's getting a bit minor, a bit sad now.
27:50A bit sad.
27:51Oh, no, I'm depressed.
27:52Oh, A diminished.
27:54Oh.
27:55Why?
27:56I hope.
27:57Um, now I'm, I'm confused now.
28:00I don't know what to feel.
28:01You know what?
28:02I'm just going to change it up here and see if this gets any happier.
28:05Be careful.
28:06One of them could be the brown note.
28:07Yeah.
28:10Oh, what is wrong with that?
28:16I mean, I don't know enough about music.
28:18You clearly know nothing about music.
28:20That's true.
28:21I want to ask John.
28:22John, is this the way of the future, do you think?
28:24Well, I certainly hope not.
28:27What would you give that performance out of ten?
28:29Oh, me?
28:30A good sort of nine for originality.
28:33Thank you so much.
28:34That's nice.
28:35That's a great score.
28:36Congratulations.
28:37Wow, thank you.
28:38It's better than we've got.
28:39I mostly talked about going to the toilet.
28:41Speaking of going to the toilet, let's move on to your second item here.
28:46This is, this is, what is this again?
28:48This is called a gluggle jug.
28:49Okay, gluggle jug.
28:50What kind of thing is that?
28:51It's a jug that goes gluggle.
28:53Okay.
28:54When you pour water out of it.
28:55That's nice.
28:56You're not using it as a jug though, you're using it as a vase.
28:58I am using it as a vase.
28:59Is that right?
29:00Where is this in your home?
29:01This is actually at my partner's home.
29:02Right at the beginning of our relationship, we got addicted to this show called The Great
29:07Pottery Throwdown.
29:08Has anybody seen it?
29:09Has anybody seen The Great Pottery Throwdown?
29:12Nobody has.
29:13No.
29:14That's alright.
29:15But it involves making pots.
29:17Pottery, yeah.
29:18But there's this guy on it, the judge, and he's, he cries in like every episode because
29:23he's like, there's just so much love in this pot.
29:26And it's...
29:27When you got this, did you weep?
29:30I actually did.
29:31I cried a lot when I got this.
29:32How did you get this?
29:33We were watching this show together and they had this week where the challenge was to make
29:37a gluggle jug.
29:38And we just thought it was so funny, what is a gluggle jug?
29:40And the way that they tested, the judges tested it was to see if it gluggled.
29:45And they were like, oh that's got a good gluggle.
29:47And we just, we just thought it was the silliest thing ever.
29:50And so it became this like, inside joke for us.
29:53So we'd been talking for ages about, oh we should get one.
29:56And then I completely forgot about it.
29:57And then on Valentine's Day, our first Valentine's Day together, she got me this gluggle jug.
30:01That's lovely.
30:02Valentine's Day, which of course commemorates the famous massacre in 1925 in Chicago.
30:06Of course.
30:07Given the beautiful music you played on this earlier, I would like to hear the beautiful
30:11glugging of this, would you like to hear this jug make a noise?
30:16Alright, you go back.
30:18I'll just, I'll chuck that.
30:21Is this stuck there?
30:23No.
30:24Oh, it's got water in it.
30:26Yeah, it's got to make a noise, you've got to put water in it.
30:29Of course.
30:30Alright.
30:31Yes, Luke.
30:32Sorry.
30:33I was going to say, you could have put that water in the jug.
30:34Yeah, we need to pour into it, so I thought we'd pour into it.
30:35Hang on just a sec.
30:36What sort of gluggle, is it a convincing gluggle?
30:37Is it a good gluggle?
30:38Have you?
30:39I have no idea.
30:40The whole time we've been going, what is a gluggle even?
30:42I still don't know.
30:43I don't know if it gluggles.
30:44Like a fribbit.
30:45Like a fribbit.
30:46What a wonderful voyage of discovery we're going on together, Steph.
30:50Alright, here we go.
30:51Everyone quiet.
30:52It's supposed to be now, when it goes back in.
30:58Does anybody know anything about gluggle jugs?
31:00Well, one would have thought you might, but I will put this back in.
31:04Luke, if you could, off camera, make the noise of a gluggle jug, just so we got the
31:09end of the segment.
31:11Glug, glug, glug, glug.
31:13Still sizzle.
31:14That's great.
31:15What a lovely gift.
31:16What did you, John?
31:18Ella, what did you get out of ten, that beautiful noise?
31:21Oh, the sound effect is a good 8.73.
31:24That's great.
31:25That's great.
31:26I thoroughly enjoyed that.
31:27I also think we had one of those jugs at home growing up.
31:31I have a memory.
31:32Really?
31:33Also used it as a vase, never gluggled it.
31:34I mean, they are truly weird.
31:36It's just a fish-shaped jug.
31:37How much did that cost?
31:38Yeah.
31:39I had no idea.
31:40I didn't get it.
31:41Why is it shaped like a fish?
31:42Because normally fish are in water rather than having water in them.
31:45No, I have no idea.
31:47Everything about it is strange, but there was one factory in the UK that did them, right?
31:54And so when you have an authentic one, this obviously isn't authentic, and I will be speaking
31:57to Jessie about that.
31:58Yeah, no, absolutely.
31:59I'd break up with her.
32:00Yeah, yeah, I might.
32:01I think I'm going to break up with her.
32:02I'll get that up there.
32:03Um, so then this factory shut down because nobody was buying gluggled jugs, and then
32:07there was like randomly like a huge rise in like supporting this particular ceramic
32:12thing, and then somebody bought it because they had these beautiful memories of gluggled
32:16jugs, and there was a little resurgence of gluggled jugs.
32:19Yeah, but on the strength of what you said and what Ella said, gluggled jugs are just
32:23shit.
32:24It means something to you.
32:27But the vase...
32:28The vase is beautiful.
32:29For some reason, it feels very representative of our relationship, so we could not be more
32:33different.
32:34Like we are proper opposites attract kind, right?
32:36She's quiet.
32:37She works in a bookshop.
32:38She sometimes goes in a bookshop with skates on.
32:40Like she's literally the cutest little girl next door.
32:43And I'm like...
32:45You know?
32:46And...
32:47Sorry.
32:48That's alright.
32:49That's alright.
32:50But you don't move together?
32:51Are you?
32:52No, no, but we're going to move in together soon, right?
32:54We have really different tastes in like, you know, what looks good in the home.
32:58You want that?
32:59Yeah, I want that.
33:00And she's like, no, I want to have some class.
33:03But for some reason...
33:05For some reason, we both love this.
33:09And it's just like this thing that it just...
33:12While we were getting close, we were watching this show and, you know, it kind of started
33:16with a little arm around the shoulder.
33:17You know what I mean?
33:18And it's just somehow really representative of this way that something that doesn't really
33:22make any sense.
33:23You and your partner are this fish.
33:25We are the Glossy Choke.
33:26You're hugging...
33:27The fish is hugging itself.
33:28Yes, that's right.
33:29And I think that's a very beautiful thing.
33:30Yeah.
33:31I made it sweet.
33:33It's also choking her death on flowers.
33:34I don't know.
33:35Sorry.
33:36Sure.
33:37But they're flowers.
33:38They're beautiful roses.
33:39True.
33:40And that reminds us of Valentine's Day?
33:41Yeah.
33:42It does.
33:43That's right.
33:44You behave yourself or I'll get Steph to play some more on this.
33:46You know what?
33:47Let me help this situation out.
33:50Thank you very much indeed.
33:51Let's play together, you and I.
33:54John Eller.
33:55You can scat, Ella.
33:56John, just play one if you like.
33:58Here we go.
33:59A one, two and a one, two, three.
34:00What a beautiful delegation of the human spirit.
34:11Would you please name Steph Tisdall, ladies and gentlemen.
34:14Merry Christmas.
34:15Now that sounds like that's the end of the show, but unfortunately Christmas is a time
34:21for giving and our guests feel obliged to leave one of their items behind as a present
34:26for their house guests.
34:27And so you're only going to rescue one of your two chosen items.
34:31Luke.
34:32I would like to give away Steph's jug.
34:34I did leave it open-ended.
34:39You're giving away Steph's jug.
34:41Which of Luke McGregor's things would you like to...
34:44No, you can have them both.
34:48Alright, well, okay.
34:50You can say which one you want to keep, because you're looking sad.
34:52Don't do that.
34:53Just score him a bit.
34:54Which one do you want to save?
34:55Which one do you want to give away?
34:56I mean, I can re-buy this, but I'll still keep the PK meter.
34:59You're going to give away this, the beautiful Michaela VHS.
35:04It's not a very good movie.
35:06That's okay.
35:07And Steph, if you had the choice between your two items, which one would you leave behind?
35:10I know it's hard.
35:11It's really hard, because this feels like it's really representative of my family.
35:14Yeah, they loved you so much, they pitched in and spent quite a bit of money on this.
35:18Yeah, but this is for my girlfriend and I and we're going to move in together soon and, you know, maybe have babies.
35:24So, this is on TV, you know?
35:26Yeah.
35:27And so, my family's going to be like, you bitch.
35:29And my girlfriend's going to be like, you bitch.
35:31Yeah, but that's only if they're watching.
35:33That's true.
35:34It's the ABC.
35:35That is true.
35:37So, which one really could you do without, I suppose, is the way to look at it?
35:41I could probably do without the gluggle jug.
35:44She's going to kill you!
35:47But fortunately, Steph, fortunately, there is a Christmas miracle in the offing
35:52and John Foreman and Ella Hooper happen to be passing by and can rescue one of the left-behind items.
35:57John and Ella, which item would you save of the two?
36:00We think we'll save the vase.
36:01We'll save the gluggle jug.
36:02Yeah.
36:03Okay, right.
36:04Well, the video's going then.
36:05Now, usually, that would mean we destroy the video in some outlandish fashion.
36:10But, in keeping with the Christmas spirit, we'll instead be sprinkling magic snowflakes
36:14from Santa's North Pole workshop over it to destroy it instead.
36:18Okay, this is a special effect we're going to do in post.
36:22This will take a week to do.
36:24So, you've got to act.
36:25You're both actors.
36:26You both get...
36:27That's great, Steph.
36:28That's fantastic.
36:29I felt it, yeah.
36:31Luke, you're not going to get another series that we see earlier
36:35if that's the level of your acting.
36:37Okay, well, there we go.
36:38Look at that.
36:39It's a frost.
36:40Isn't that amazing?
36:41Wow.
36:42That's very expensive.
36:43I'm so sorry.
36:44It's fine.
36:45It's magic.
36:46Please thank our guests, Steph Tisdall and Luke McGregor, ladies and gentlemen.
36:51The very talented John Foreman.
36:54We thank you so much, John, for taking the time.
36:57So, I've just realised it's Christmas Eve.
36:58I've got a more important gig to get to, I promise.
37:00Yeah.
37:01Thanks, John.
37:02We must also thank the wonderful Ella Hubert.
37:05Ella, thank you so...
37:06See ya.
37:07Yep, okay.
37:08She's going.
37:09Until next time, if there is one, keep yourself safe and your stuff safer.
37:14We're next.
37:15We are on the Christmas Eve of destruction.
37:17Children laughing, parents snoring, too much noise on Christmas morning.
37:27Christmas carols never bore us.
37:30Even ones without that chorus.
37:37Wow!
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