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Short filmTranscript
00:00Oh
00:02Yeah, right you put a door stop there till he sometimes lift lifts it all
00:14You've not broke anything have you nose
00:23Her flabbers have been gassed you want some of this
00:30Oh, no, there's a controversial statement the gravy
00:36Yeah, yeah, do you like this music no not particularly so suck on that
00:44Don't ever take me to a restaurant like that no chance you oh
00:49Yes, look at that. He's had an absolute feast
00:53Whoa for a banana. This is insane
00:57Well, thank God that sounds like what a day one. It is like putting chicken in a vodka to make this
01:04That's very modern isn't enough you know I saw that coming
01:07No in the week Rachel's budget got revealed a bit too early. We enjoyed lots of great telly
01:15We went back to the 80s for one last time on Netflix
01:18Well last time strange things route I were pregnant with Ezra maybe it's time to have another baby
01:32Whenever there's a new stranger things series things that we're going bump in the night at your house, and it's not the demagogans
01:38There was a big sing-along on BBC one
01:42I said wherever you may be we are the team from the West Country
01:54And we'll fight you all wherever you may be and we'll fight you all in the West Country
02:00Okay
02:01What's the way Bristol Rovers? I'm not a supporter or anything
02:05And Jack Whitehall was being a bit creepy on Prime Video
02:11I could kill you right now if I wanted
02:14But I'm not going to do that
02:16Because I want you to suffer
02:20Just like I did
02:23Do you know what I could have quite easily held a lot of grudges with you you know biting a chunk of me hair out
02:29Smacking me around the head with a washing line pole when we're playing Javeston in the garden
02:34Spitting chewing gum in me hair the night before prom you know, but I haven't
02:38Listen
02:38And you smacked me head off the kitchen side one morning
02:41Yeah
02:41Must saw me lip open
02:42Because you were being an arsehole
02:44And mum went right get in the car
02:47My face was hanging off here
02:50And I was wearing a lovely cream coat with a fur trim from Woolworths
02:54Felt the dog's bollocks
02:55In Wiltshire
03:03So just to put you in the picture
03:05I got up at six
03:06And I had been working for five hours 55 minutes
03:10When you came into the room
03:12As you know I personally handle everything myself with absolutely no help
03:18Giles and his wife Mary
03:20And then you came in
03:22And when you said your room needs to sort out
03:27Hmm
03:27That was enough to actually make me want to kill you
03:32Oh dear
03:32And just as well they have gun laws here
03:34That's the thing about marriage Nutty
03:35Is that tomorrow you won't even remember
03:37Yes but when you do something
03:38Because there'll be a new crisis tomorrow
03:40And that's the nature of marriage
03:41Well you'll find the nature of marriage is different from what you think
03:45Relationship
03:46Relationship goals
03:48Well you're going to the shed
03:49Relationship
03:50You're going to live in the shed you horrible horrible man
03:53On Saturday night the remaining Strictly stars have made the annual trip up north
03:59For this
04:00It's bloody Blackpool week Padders
04:01This is only down road
04:02I know I drove past the vans this morning
04:04Oh
04:05Oh
04:05Oh
04:06Oh
04:06Well here watch
04:08Cheers
04:12Wow
04:14I'm on one tonight
04:17Look at me
04:19If we can't go out
04:20We stay in in
04:25Hey, I'll tell you who's on tonight page. We're telling me steps. Oh
04:30You've done some black points on I have many times
04:34I've danced in blackpool many times at the ballroom
04:40Who've we got here look at all these ones these are the professionals
04:44That's actually a group called steps there. I thought they'd like died years ago. Why would they die?
05:00Oh, I like her. I know you do God. It's got a bit energy in it. Yeah, I was gonna say that in it
05:06I
05:09It's bringing it back to the noughties with them white suits. I want a steps makeover what a where is steps?
05:171960s loving
05:25I mean seriously bangers of you bangers that's a traditional banger and we're gonna go into a steps medley
05:32They can't just be doing summer or love I need more
05:36Oh
05:39Transition to a new step banger. Oh, yes. I love a transition
05:46There she is fresh from Dubai. He's Lisa. This is Lisa is about to sing. Yes, but they're big boots on my place
05:54My thigh highs behind there. Did you ever have a penis?
05:56No, no, no, no
05:58No, no, no, no
06:00Oh
06:02A little bit of filth
06:04I don't like those weird movements they're doing there. What do they signify?
06:08I thought we had it made
06:12Is it dead wood? I don't think so he wasn't in steps. They still all look good though though. They do
06:18He's nearly 50. Oh
06:21Is he? Yes
06:23I must run like a stranger
06:25Oh, I love it of that
06:29I can do that
06:31Mary, see everything I can do
06:33I can do it really fast as well
06:35Look how fast it can be
06:37Oh
06:41Oh, I bid a bongos get the judges in
06:45Look at this lot. They look sharp as well the judges
06:53It's one for sorrow. Oh, I love one for sorrow
06:55One for sorrow
06:57One for sorrow
06:5982, too bad
07:03Breaking some white of things
07:05Ansel looks like he should be serving canapes
07:07Ha ha ha ha
07:09Would you take my love where you are
07:11Oh, look at Graham
07:13Oh, it's fucking Graham
07:15Oh, I don't know, what's his name? Graham
07:17I thought was Graham
07:19Great
07:21One for sorrow
07:23I think you do have a look at classes. That's about you
07:25Stunning
07:27She's pretty
07:29I haven't conceived
07:35That will you know
07:39Oh forget
07:41I feel as I want to get up and dance one
07:43Well, you don't want to do that love
07:53Do you know what?
07:55I bloody love Blackpool
07:57Hey, I bet you didn't know this but the actual ballroom in Blackpool, it's got a sprung floor that
08:01Yes, you could play squash on it
08:03I
08:05I
08:11I think I know this one
08:13This is what everyone came for
08:15This is what people came for
08:17Now tragedy
08:19When the feeling's gone, you can't go on, it's tragedy
08:23They've saved the best till last, haven't they?
08:27When the feeling's gone and you can't go on, it's tragedy.
08:31Tragedy! Me too, there's butchering me.
08:35We're going nowhere.
08:39This is the working man's YMCA, this.
08:43It is.
08:49Oh!
08:51Oh, my tits went through.
08:55That's a tragedy.
08:59Piss off.
09:03In the Cotswolds.
09:05Darling, I've got a surprise that I brought back from my very brief trip to Mexico.
09:09What is in there?
09:11Our friends have had something done for us.
09:13Oh, God.
09:14Andrew and his husband Alfie.
09:16I have a great unveil.
09:23What is that?
09:24Perkins, what do you think?
09:26Luckily...
09:27Perkins looks startled.
09:28Lucky he can't speak.
09:30Well, darling, it's not bad of me.
09:32I think it's...
09:33Well, I'm glad you look all right.
09:35I mean...
09:36I mean, you look a bit unshaven.
09:38What?
09:39I think it's done from a photo.
09:41I mean, he's very kind.
09:42Um, I wonder where it should go.
09:45Downstairs cupboard.
09:46On Friday, the BBC brought us news to get us all in the mood.
09:51Is it, do you want apple crumble overnight oats or banoffee overnight wheat bisques?
09:57Banoffee overnight wheat bisques.
09:59Well, I wanted that one.
10:00The last Friday before Black Friday, even though all the deals have already begun.
10:05Yeah.
10:06Page the tip was saying that it's Black Friday today and it ain't.
10:08No, it's next week.
10:09No.
10:10She's going, you know, I need the credit card because it's Black Friday.
10:14Nice try.
10:15Yeah.
10:16Very good.
10:19Good afternoon.
10:20Welcome to the BBC News at One.
10:22Oh, gosh.
10:23She looks like Olivia Newton-John.
10:26Now, we ask her every year, how soon is too soon for the tinsel?
10:30Now's too soon.
10:31I'm fucking sick of it.
10:33Never too soon for me.
10:34Never too soon for me.
10:36It's not soon enough, sweetheart.
10:38Oh, no.
10:39I've pulled the trigger.
10:40My decks are up.
10:41For some, thoughts turn to the tree as soon as Guy Fawkes has cooled off.
10:45No, I won't go that far.
10:46No, no, no, no, no, no.
10:48But for others, digging out the decks too soon can spoil the big day.
10:52Well, does it really matter?
10:55I was sitting on a loo in an airport in fucking September
10:58and they're playing Jingle Bells.
11:00I love it that people tree-jaculate and put it up early
11:03because do you know what?
11:05Winter's miserable enough.
11:06Stick some fucking festive lights on it and have a nice time.
11:09Anna White has been asking shoppers in Hull whether their build-up has started.
11:13I feel we could do with a bit of a cull this year.
11:16I disagree.
11:17I think we need more decorations.
11:18No, no.
11:19It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.
11:23Oh, no.
11:24Oh, no.
11:26That's cute.
11:28Well, it certainly is at the garden centre.
11:31Orncy garden centre.
11:32And you had seen them fucking three things before.
11:35I've been to that garden centre.
11:37Is it too early to be decked up for Christmas?
11:40Is it mollocks?
11:41Next question.
11:42No, I don't think so.
11:43You're good on your girl.
11:45See, that old lady said she doesn't think so.
11:48Oh, well then we'll go with her, shall we?
11:50I agree.
11:51Do you think we're going earlier?
11:52Yeah, I think we are because it's old in the shops earlier, isn't it?
11:55Yeah.
11:56So I think that puts you in the mood.
11:58I think it's too early.
11:59They've got the Christmas tree up in the hairdressers already.
12:02And I was offered a mince pie and a Bailey's.
12:05That was last week.
12:06You look like you're dressed to go on Santa's sleigh.
12:09That's a bit bloody rude.
12:10What are you dressed like, dear?
12:11Can I say you look magnificent?
12:13Oh, thank you.
12:14Oh, thank you.
12:15Yeah.
12:16But I've seen them in the gardens already.
12:18Can't be done with coloured lights.
12:19No.
12:20I don't like coloured lights.
12:21No.
12:22Just keep it chic.
12:23Just keep it classy.
12:24Yeah, you see, I always veer though, I want to keep it chic and classy and then I start
12:28putting tinsel over paintings.
12:29No.
12:30My wife, two kids.
12:32It's definitely a Christmasy household but I'm a bit of a Scrooge, so.
12:36What we want to be asking is a Fiat 500 driver that's got an eggnog latte in her
12:41playing around.
12:42Yeah.
12:43Then we'll see if it's too early.
12:44Whatever the reason, is it ever too early?
12:47Yes.
12:48No.
12:49Amanda White, BBC News, in a surprisingly festive haunt sea.
12:54Do whatever makes you happy, that's what I say.
12:56Oh, I love Christmasy.
12:58I don't want anything.
12:59Wow, it's look incisively Christmassy behind you already.
13:01What are you crying for?
13:02Cos I just love it.
13:03It's a happy time, Jenny.
13:04I know it is, I know, I just love it.
13:06Oh, I just love it.
13:16In Leeds.
13:17Well, you'll be pleased to know that I've treated myself to a new bra.
13:21Oh, yeah.
13:22Sisters Ellie and Izzy.
13:24Because I needed a new black bra so that my tits weren't all in a jumble for my Christmas
13:29works, Christmas do.
13:30Finally.
13:31Yeah.
13:32Anyway, and you told me that I were a 36 back, didn't you, from looking at my other
13:36bras.
13:37So, I just went into the supermarket, found the black bras, got the cup, put it up against
13:44my boob like that.
13:45Over my clothes.
13:46In the middle of the supermarket?
13:47Yeah, I'm like this.
13:49In the supermarket.
13:51And I thought, that'll do.
13:53Take that.
13:54I haven't even tried it on yet.
13:55You better hope it's alright.
13:56You better try it on tonight.
13:58Put it on tonight.
13:59Well, I mean, what's worse that can happen?
14:01This week, we went back to the upside-down world with the long-awaited return of this
14:07on Netflix.
14:08I've waited all year for this now, and I didn't really want to watch it with you, but you're
14:13here, so, shut up.
14:14Now, Dad, what you have to remember is that when this series started, the kids were like
14:1912 years old.
14:20Right.
14:21They're about 32 now.
14:22Okay.
14:23So, you'll have to suspend disbelief a little bit.
14:25Yeah.
14:26I've even got Stranger Things pyjamas.
14:31Have you?
14:32I'm that much of a super fan, yeah?
14:33Have you?
14:34Bloody hell.
14:35You know, every time I see a Christmas lights now, I can't look at it the same.
14:38Yeah!
14:39I just think of Stranger Things.
14:40Will!
14:41Will!
14:42Will!
14:43Is that you?
14:44Will!
14:45Send me a message!
14:46So, that's Mike and Nancy's little sister, the baby that is no longer a baby, Holly.
14:53I want her outfit.
14:54It's cute.
14:55What's she saying there?
14:56Who's she waving to?
14:57What is that?
14:58There's a shadow.
14:59Holly!
15:00Who's that ass?
15:01Holly!
15:02Christ!
15:03I've been calling you!
15:04I'm sorry.
15:05Nobody's there.
15:06Who's she waving at?
15:07I don't know.
15:08Right.
15:09This is creepy already, Ellie.
15:10Turn it off.
15:11Playtime's over.
15:12Come on.
15:13She spotted someone again.
15:14I wonder what she's seeing.
15:15Who's Holly talking to?
15:16Who's Holly talking to?
15:17She knows them, she's not scared of them.
15:18Oh, yeah.
15:19No one.
15:20No one.
15:21No one.
15:22No one.
15:23No one.
15:24She's not talking to anyone.
15:25Oh, you do that all the time.
15:26Yeah, I do.
15:27I'm all right in that world.
15:28That's them.
15:29I'm standing there talking to nobody.
15:29Well, she's hardly the first child to have an imaginary friend.
15:31I'm glad you're there.
15:32And that's somebody.
15:33That's somebody.
15:34I don't know.
15:35And you're shopping.
15:36Hi.
15:37Who's Holly talking to?
15:38She knows them?
15:39She's not scared of them.
15:40Is there one more thing to go?
15:42I don't know.
15:43Oh, yeah.
15:44Miss Harrison.
15:45No one!
15:46She's not talking to anyone!
15:47Oh, you do that all the time.
15:49Yeah, I do am all right in that world.
15:50At Finn!
15:51I'm standing there, talking to nobody.
15:52Well, she's hardly the first child to have an imaginary friend.
15:56to have an imaginary friend.
15:58I wouldn't need to worry if she was five years old...
16:00Oh, the parents are arguing about her being weird.
16:03It's causing a kerfuffle.
16:08Oh, she's real upset, look.
16:10What's Holly crying for?
16:11Well, she's had a bit of a tough day.
16:13She's talking to people and they're not even there.
16:19Oh, you know, it's always the lights!
16:21It's the lights when they flick off.
16:23That's the sign the demigorgon's coming for their house, is it?
16:25Oh, for fuck's sake, I don't like this.
16:31Oh, shit!
16:32Oh, it's got to go under the ceiling!
16:34See, see, see, see...
16:40Oh, my God!
16:42Oh, it's one of them.
16:43It's a demigorgon.
16:44Oh, whatever.
16:48Oh, no!
16:49Oh, my God!
16:50Oh, it's throwing me off of the shop!
16:52Oh, my God!
16:55She's pissed and going in the bathroom. Oh, look at her. I mean, this is a vibe though, isn't it?
17:06Never mind your bubble bath pet. Your kids getting hit and dragged down the bedroom by the demagogue.
17:11Oh, baby, what are you doing? What's wrong? There's a monster.
17:15Slow down. Listen to the girl, man, you silly cow.
17:19Mom, please. You've got to believe me.
17:23You've got blood or not? Blood. There you go.
17:25There you go. Thank you. Take her seriously.
17:29What the heck?
17:30Mr. Weirder, get the shotgun.
17:37Oh! Oh, here we go.
17:40Oh, my God.
17:43Where have they gone? In the suds, aren't they?
17:50Oh, they're going to die. Are they just holding their breath?
17:53Oh, wow. How long could you hold your breath for, though?
17:56That is a very good question.
17:58Whilst panicking?
17:59Yeah.
18:05It's Ted! It's Ted with a golf club. Thank God.
18:11Oh, shit. There it is.
18:13I don't have a good feeling about this.
18:14Ted's dead.
18:15Stay back.
18:16Stay back!
18:17Stay back!
18:19Swipe him, you silly cow.
18:24Oh, bloody hell.
18:28Oh, he's killed him.
18:29Oh!
18:30You see what happened when you face it?
18:32Forget that.
18:35Oh!
18:35Oh, she's shit, eh?
18:38You never run when you faint of wet.
18:42Oh, come on, get up!
18:44Oh, leave her.
18:44Please, please, please, don't leave, it's her mother.
18:49Oh, right, here he is.
18:53Yes!
18:54Oh, she's got a ball in.
18:57Oh, straight in the kisser.
19:01Yes!
19:01The Calvary's coming.
19:03Turn off.
19:03She got the shotty.
19:04That's as hard, this is a five.
19:07Oh, my God.
19:10What's she seeing?
19:11What's she seeing?
19:11Oh, no, it's her mum!
19:18God, Karen's dead, isn't it?
19:19Fucking joking, she's dead.
19:20She's dead, isn't it?
19:24She's still alive.
19:25No.
19:25It's going to be fine.
19:27You're going to be fine.
19:29Holly, where's Holly?
19:31Oh, shit, yeah, where's Holly?
19:36It took Holly.
19:37It took her.
19:37Oh, he's taken her to the Upside Down.
19:39Jesus Christ, man.
19:43I just like how realistic it all is.
19:46Oh, it puts stuff in your head.
19:48There's no wonder these kids can't go to sleep.
19:50All the shape they watch.
19:55In Solihull...
19:57Close your eyes.
19:58Where are you?
19:58Keep your eyes closed.
20:00I'm in the kitchen.
20:01Open your eyes.
20:03Theresa and her wife, Anita.
20:05Oh, yeah.
20:06Oh, my God!
20:07What do you reckon?
20:15We're going to have a different colour every night of the week.
20:18Yeah, and look, a mixture.
20:20Oh, lovely.
20:22I'm very, very, very happy.
20:26Are you?
20:26No.
20:27On Sunday, it was a countdown of the best hymns that took us down memory lane on BBC One.
20:34I love school assembly sing-along.
20:36I've been getting warmed up.
20:37Me and Bobby have been going to mass, haven't we?
20:39This is the big school assembly sing-along.
20:42Oh, it's Ali.
20:43Oh, Ali did get his face in anyway.
20:44What's it, Ali?
20:45Singing.
20:46Is there singing in the rain?
20:47No.
20:49Ali Jones, they always wheel him out for old singing, don't they?
20:52There'll be riots if Shine Jesus Shine isn't in the top three.
20:57There'll be riots from me if Lord of the Dance isn't in it.
20:59Oh.
21:00That was our wedding song.
21:01It was our wedding song.
21:02The apples are ripe, the plums are red.
21:06The broad bees are sleeping in a blanket-y bed.
21:09Hey, listen, we don't remember that.
21:16No.
21:17I can now reveal that number two is a traditional hymn.
21:20Oh, number two.
21:21If this isn't, give me oil in my lamp, keep me burning, switch it off.
21:25It is, of course, give me oil in my lamp.
21:29Give me oil in my lamp.
21:31This is a tune, man.
21:33Give me oil in my lamp, keep me burning.
21:40Give me oil in my lamp, I pray.
21:44I pray.
21:45Give me oil in my lamp, keep me burning.
21:48Give me oil in my lamp, I pray.
21:51Is that meant to be me?
21:52Yes.
21:53Oil in my lamp, keep me burning.
21:56Keep me burning till the break of day.
22:01Sing.
22:02Oh, remember this one now.
22:03Sing, hosanna.
22:05Sing, hosanna to the king of kings.
22:09Sing, hosanna.
22:11Sing, hosanna.
22:13Sing, hosanna to the king.
22:16God, this is the most undiverse programme I think I've ever watched.
22:19Oh, my God.
22:20Sing, joy in my heart, keep me singing.
22:24I'm kind of over it after the first verse of everything.
22:27Are you? Yes.
22:28You feel I've done that, been there.
22:30Right, let's move on.
22:30Look at that face.
22:37That's like, oh, you were brought up with girls like that, weren't you?
22:40With faces like that, yes.
22:43Normal people.
22:44Normal.
22:45Sing, hosanna.
22:47Sing, hosanna.
22:50Sing, hosanna to the king of kings.
22:53Sing, hosanna.
22:55Sing, hosanna.
22:57Sing, hosanna to the king of kings.
23:01Oh, wow.
23:03You went all sister act then.
23:05Whoa.
23:06Sing, hosanna.
23:09Sing, hosanna to the king.
23:11Sing.
23:12Sing.
23:13That was a right old him-ho-down, isn't it?
23:17Yeah.
23:18I actually feel like I've just been in assembly with my father.
23:22Yeah.
23:23I tell you what, bollocks to your Oasis tickets at 450 quid a pop.
23:27Get me in there.
23:28Yeah, that's my Oasis.
23:29Isn't it funny?
23:30You forget what you've had for breakfast, but you never forget them words.
23:34What did you offer breakfast?
23:35I don't know.
23:44In Blackpool.
23:45I tell you what, the kids, they're so much like me and Paige.
23:49Jimmy's like me, whereas Eva, 100 mile an hour, always wanting to be doing something.
23:54I like Paige.
23:55She comes alive at night.
23:56Pete and his little sister Sophie.
23:59Eva is like you in some respects, though, because remember when Mum gave her 50p for the charity bucket
24:04and everyone else put their money in and then we looked at Eva's hand
24:08and her knuckles were almost white, clinging on to a 50p piece.
24:13Well, she's not daft, is she?
24:15Apple never falls far from the tree.
24:18On Friday night, animals were getting up to all sorts on Discovery.
24:23Drunk animals are quite funny.
24:25I know it's not right.
24:26That's because of the generation you were born into.
24:30Because you had the PG tips monkeys.
24:32Yeah, smoking monkeys.
24:34Smoking monkeys.
24:34That's not okay.
24:35It's not okay.
24:40Drunk beards.
24:41It's happening.
24:42I've seen drunk monkeys.
24:44They get drunk.
24:44Yeah, I've seen monkeys taking away a bottle.
24:47Oh, do you remember that friend of us?
24:49The monkey was taking booze out of our house the whole time.
24:52And her toothpaste.
24:52And the toothpaste.
24:53Probably to get rid of the smell of the booze so nobody else knew.
24:56In the program, we met wildlife expert Forrest off to meet a bear.
25:01And now we're pulling into Bowser's Peace Sanctuary, which is where the guy named Stanton,
25:06who was apparently an alcoholic, has a bear that was also an alcoholic.
25:11What?
25:11How does a bear get a corkscrew?
25:13Like...
25:14And the two helped each other overcome their addictions.
25:19Boy, it's just like an AA meeting.
25:21In the woods.
25:23An AA meeting in the woods between a bear and a man.
25:25I hear that you have a bear.
25:28Woof, woof.
25:30Shit.
25:33Lupin.
25:33It's a bear.
25:34You want to come and meet him and share some time with him and you'll experience the stuff I can't explain.
25:40Meet the who?
25:41Is he talking about come and meet the bear?
25:42He must be joking.
25:44What, you want me to go in there with him?
25:47An angry, recovering, alcoholic bear?
25:50So, guys, we are going in with a live bear here, okay?
25:53Your energy and your body language is super important.
25:56Very calm, very smooth, very gentle.
25:59That's how we want to be with him.
26:00Got it?
26:00How about I just record you from...
26:02A distance.
26:03From a distance, yeah.
26:05Hey, hey, hey, bear.
26:07Hey, buddy, hi.
26:09Jesus Christ, he's brave, isn't he?
26:12To be fair, no, no, he looks like a nice bear.
26:14He's a changed bear.
26:16Yeah.
26:17Sobriety has done him a lot of good.
26:19He's done wonders of good for the bear.
26:21Boris, you can give him a treat just right.
26:23Oh, look at that.
26:23I thought he might take your finger off.
26:25Or another finger off.
26:26Oh, he's got one finger gone already.
26:28He's missing a finger.
26:30Index, index is gone.
26:32No, that was a different, different day.
26:35Different day?
26:37I heard that you had a problem with addiction and depression
26:40and that he had a problem with addiction.
26:42Can you clarify that for me?
26:44Oh, look.
26:45He's having a coffee.
26:46Somewhere along there, Bowser came
26:48and showed me a whole different life
26:50that I didn't even know was possible.
26:53Oh, my God.
26:55He's just giving you a hug.
26:56Is that sweet or is he trying to kill him?
26:58No, no, he's having a hug.
26:59Oh, my God.
27:00That bear's getting a bit rough in it.
27:02He's getting a bit chokeholdy, that bear.
27:04And I met Bowser.
27:05And what that turned into was an understanding how...
27:09Look, I mean, he's got his head right by his mouth.
27:12How that connection can help us.
27:14Wrong.
27:16And he's showing off,
27:17so I'm going to have to be a daddy.
27:18Oh, I'm not liking this, Chase, sir.
27:25Yeah, yeah.
27:25Easy.
27:26Shh.
27:27Come here.
27:27Talk me through what you're doing.
27:29He's wrestling a bear.
27:30Oh, my God.
27:31What I'm actually doing here is grappling with a bear.
27:37I'm trying to see him fucking like...
27:38I'm laying him down.
27:40Yeah.
27:40If I can get to his belly...
27:42Yeah.
27:42He's going to be in his belly in a minute.
27:44Jesus.
27:45No, this ain't real.
27:46This ain't real.
27:48I'm going to show him his boss.
27:49Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle.
27:53Shh.
27:54No, easy.
27:56This is getting a bit fucking silly now.
27:59Oh, here it goes.
28:00He's trying to eat your head.
28:01It's just a word of warning.
28:03He's trying to eat your head.
28:07He's got his head in his mouth.
28:08No.
28:09This is our love.
28:10Okay.
28:11It's fucking brushing him now.
28:13This is how he...
28:14This is how he communicates.
28:16Get out of there now, because it's too much.
28:18I don't want anything to love me that much to you.
28:20No.
28:21I mean, it's meant that he's only ever bitten one of Stanton's fingers off.
28:26Yeah.
28:26You know, that's only really what he's done.
28:28But that is a small price to pay for love.
28:33In South East London...
28:35Do you know, I love you in that black T-shirt.
28:38You look quite sexy with that.
28:40Under your shirt.
28:41All right.
28:42Yeah.
28:42Annie and her husband, Ronnie.
28:45It reminds me of the days.
28:46We're reminiscing a bit there, aren't we?
28:48I know.
28:49You ain't forgot.
28:51You used to have a black T-shirt and you used to have your love beads around it.
28:56That's it.
28:57Except your hair was down your back.
28:59Yeah, well...
28:59Instead of...
29:00Not now, is it?
29:01No.
29:02Your hair's just not there.
29:05I can't even get it to go down my ears, let alone anything else.
29:09On Monday, more con artists were up to no good on BBC One.
29:14Until the boys changed my privacy settings on Facebook, I was getting lots of messages.
29:19Oh, were you?
29:20From American soldiers.
29:21Wanted to chat with me.
29:26You're off your head.
29:31This isn't any old scam interceptors, Pedders.
29:34This is celebrity scam interceptors.
29:36They do have the celebrity version of everything now, don't they?
29:39Well, celebrities, you know, they don't discriminate.
29:41They can be scammed as well.
29:43What I do is I go on my online banking and think I've been scammed,
29:47then I look at the transactions and realise they're all me.
29:51Today in the Glasgow Scam Hub...
29:53Glasgow Scam Hub?
29:54Yeah.
29:54Wow.
29:55I didn't know there was one there.
29:56There's a new member of the team.
29:59Celebrity scam interceptor Amanda Holden.
30:02Amanda Holden!
30:04What's Mandy doing here?
30:06Scammers have been using her image to trick people out of money.
30:10Oh!
30:11Yes, I've read that.
30:13Identity for all.
30:15Yes!
30:15I can't stand injustice.
30:18And my family and friends say I'm always up for a fight.
30:21She looks like she's always up for a fight, doesn't she?
30:24She's like you, Mary.
30:25She likes to catch culprits.
30:27Yeah.
30:27So I put your name in to see where are these profiles lurking.
30:30I was amazed at how many other profiles were actually there.
30:33There were hundreds.
30:34Are these Amanda Holden?
30:35Yeah.
30:36Fucking hell.
30:37So I'd like to ask you if you recognise this picture at all.
30:41Well, yes, that's me.
30:42It was in Dubai.
30:43Oh!
30:44Pick that one up!
30:45That was one of the pictures that one of the scammers were using.
30:48Wow.
30:48But I said, can you please send me a video to verify your identity?
30:51Ah, this is where they get caught out because they can't send a video, can they?
30:54And they did.
30:55What?
30:56Oh, he's got one.
30:57I am Amanda Holden.
31:01Obviously, I am real.
31:03Wow!
31:04They've made a video, eh?
31:06The photo run.
31:06That's crazy, isn't it?
31:08Isn't it crazy?
31:10And I am shocked you would not believe this is true.
31:13Don't sound out like it.
31:14Uncle Barry's at it all the time on Bloody AI, turning pictures into videos.
31:20Have you not seen him, do we?
31:21Yeah, I have.
31:22Making Auntie Margaret, riding horses and stuff like that.
31:24Yeah.
31:25And we've got something now that we're going to show you, Amanda, because Amanda, it's time
31:28for you to meet, Scamander.
31:30Scamander Holden.
31:32Scamander.
31:33Why are you making it sound sexy?
31:34I don't know.
31:36I've got one little treat for you, and I have this guy on WhatsApp.
31:40What?
31:40No.
31:41Oh, call him.
31:43Taking on the role of superfan Stephen, I message the scammer.
31:48Oh, here we go.
31:49This is so cool.
31:51Here we go.
31:52What?
31:53Reply straight away.
31:54Oh, keyed.
31:56You can use a voice note if you want to say something today.
31:59So you need to say, I'm in the bank now.
32:01You see, that will get him to chat.
32:03Yes, Amanda, let's talk.
32:05That will get him to chat.
32:07Hey, Amanda, I don't know what to do with this money.
32:11I don't know where it go.
32:12Can you just call me, babe?
32:13Babe.
32:14Can you call me?
32:15He's a superfan.
32:16He's pretending.
32:17He's scamming the scammer.
32:18He's scamming Scamander.
32:19Will you talk to my manager because I'm busy and can't take calls now?
32:23To be honest with you, that probably would be something Amanda would say as well.
32:26Imagine if it really is Amanda's manager.
32:29My heart is racing.
32:32This is how I feel just before the thing goes back on Britain's Got Talent.
32:35Oh, she always has to get something, doesn't she?
32:37Amanda, is that your manager?
32:39Is that your manager?
32:40Oh, right.
32:41This is brilliant, isn't it?
32:42Is Amanda there?
32:44I've got her money.
32:44Yeah, okay, you've got money.
32:47This is the instruction.
32:48We're going to send you an address right now.
32:50Imagine that.
32:51So straightforward.
32:52Not even like lower lines.
32:54Oh, like, yeah, I'll guide you through it.
32:56Whatever.
32:56Yeah, this is the instruction.
32:59I've got the bank staff here.
33:01They're just going to check the address.
33:03Amanda's talking to him now.
33:05What's she going to do?
33:06She's going to pretend to be the bank manager.
33:08Oh, my God.
33:09Hello, good afternoon.
33:11I just want to check the amount of money that Amanda needs.
33:15Look at Amanda.
33:15She sounds like a cashier, doesn't she, in the bank?
33:18Yeah, yeah.
33:19She needs about £10,000 for the investment.
33:21How much?
33:22£10,000?
33:24Okay, sir.
33:26Can I let you know my name so you know who you're dealing with?
33:30Yeah, let me know your name.
33:31Yeah, go on, go on.
33:33Drum roll.
33:34Dun, dun, dun.
33:36My name is Amanda Holden.
33:37Oh, shit!
33:40You little fucker.
33:42I know everything about you.
33:44Oh, he's ungold.
33:45He's ungold.
33:46Bah!
33:47And just like that, the scam's over.
33:49Yeah.
33:51Yes!
33:52Look at her face!
33:53Look at her face!
33:54Look at her face!
33:55She's absolutely steaming!
33:58Oh, you little...
34:00That says, you little shit.
34:02I know everything about you!
34:05Well done, Amanda.
34:06Good girl.
34:07All's he'll do now is shut that account down and pop up as Alicia Dixon.
34:11Yeah.
34:20In Hall...
34:21I think you've done real well, Lee, in a week.
34:23It's good.
34:24What are you looking at?
34:25You must ask.
34:26Best friends Jenny and Lee.
34:28Do you know something?
34:28I keep forgetting I've got it.
34:30Do you?
34:30I was talking to somebody yesterday in the cabinet.
34:32You're not like staring at me.
34:33But what are you looking at?
34:35No, it's grown.
34:36That's when you said, oh, he looked like an 80s porn star.
34:39Really?
34:41I won't go that far.
34:43This week, it was a surprising all-star turnout for a brand new drama on Prime Video.
34:50Because you've got to tell who's in this and all.
34:52It's David Duchovny out of the X-Files.
34:55Remember him?
34:57No, I can't.
34:58With Gillian Anderson.
35:00I don't know her.
35:00She was iconic, didn't she?
35:01Was she?
35:02Well, I can remember.
35:03You don't take anything in, do you, at all?
35:05But I don't even remember watching it.
35:11There's Jack.
35:11Aye.
35:12I remember him now.
35:14I hope they made Jack Whitehall look really sexy.
35:19Everybody's looking sexy at the moment.
35:21I think it's the testosterone gel.
35:22It's worrying.
35:23You need to just monitor that, Mum.
35:28Oh, US Customs.
35:30Nobody wants to go through US Customs.
35:31Have you done your rest?
35:32Come with me, please, sir.
35:35Sure.
35:36Oh, Jesus.
35:37He's only just arrived.
35:38Hopefully they don't get the old glove out.
35:41My name's Nikki Delgado.
35:42I'm an agent with the Department of Homeland Security.
35:44Oh, this sounds a bit ominous.
35:46Do you know the Tanner family?
35:48And a man called Jamie Tanner.
35:50Yes.
35:50Yes, he knows him.
35:51He's a bit too calm for me.
35:53I spent the last month working for him and living in his house.
35:56OK, what's happened to Jamie Tanner?
35:59Well.
35:59What's she showing him?
36:02Jamie Tanner, is he dead?
36:04This is horrible.
36:05What's horrible?
36:06Think someone's toast, Paris.
36:08But in a way, I'm not surprised.
36:10Why am I not surprised?
36:12Well, what is it?
36:12That's a strange comment, isn't it?
36:14Jamie Tanner was not a very nice man.
36:17Oh.
36:17Oh, neither was Elsie Tanner in Coronation Street.
36:21She was a bugger.
36:28Malice.
36:28Is it not a name?
36:30No.
36:32Malice is a type of meaning.
36:34Like a palace.
36:36No.
36:41Oh, now that looks nice.
36:43Don't forget we've gone back in time now.
36:45Oh, no.
36:46Hang on a minute.
36:48What?
36:48I'm going back in time.
36:49Look at that bud.
36:54He's got a six-pack and everything.
36:57Well, I can get to that very easily.
36:59Go on, then.
37:01Hi.
37:02You must be Jamie.
37:03Yeah.
37:04Adam.
37:04So nice to meet you.
37:06What an amazing place this is.
37:07How long have you had it?
37:08Ten or twelve years.
37:10Already bad vibes.
37:11You're here to tutor Millie?
37:12Yeah, just a bit.
37:14A tutor.
37:15Oh, I had a couple of them.
37:17They didn't do much for you, did they?
37:19Maths, English, French.
37:23Waste of time.
37:24A bit later, and Jack had picked up a couple of octopuses for dinner.
37:31Oh.
37:32Oh, my God.
37:33He's unhinged.
37:34Daniel, I don't like him.
37:35He's scaring me.
37:36He's really giving me the eebie-jeebs.
37:42That's an octopus.
37:43Oh.
37:46Gross.
37:47Very gross.
37:48Yeah.
37:48Love to fucking gut you and hang you on a line.
37:50What?
37:51What the fucking hell?
37:54Is he a psychopath?
37:57That's not normal.
37:59Oh, really?
38:00Oh, yeah.
38:01I'm out.
38:02Get me out of here.
38:03Get me out of here.
38:04Travelodge.
38:04Travelodge.
38:05Literally.
38:05Travelodge.
38:07I think if we're able to shake off Damien for the night,
38:10maybe we should try out that place.
38:11Oh.
38:13Your kind of establishment?
38:18Oh, it's CD.
38:20Oh, is it a strip club?
38:21I knew it.
38:25Dirty bar.
38:26Do you know they do lessons in that now?
38:28Night school.
38:30I was going to, yeah, I was going to join.
38:32What?
38:33Two years ago.
38:34I was.
38:34Two Sambucas, please.
38:36Sambuca.
38:37Oh, no.
38:37Yamas.
38:39Yamas.
38:41Yamas.
38:42Yasso.
38:45Pouring his away, getting him pissed.
38:47Why is he doing it?
38:48Why is he trying to get Jamie pissed?
38:50And I used to do that at all.
38:51Oh, you lying.
38:52I've never seen you tip a drink out.
38:54We've all been there.
39:01I've crawled down my drive a few times, but not all the way home.
39:04You always crawl.
39:09Yeah, in fact, I do crawl a lot when I'm drunk.
39:11Yeah.
39:11Oh, no, this is creepy.
39:16Jack's got him where he wants him, Natty.
39:19What does Jack want to do to him?
39:24This is Nat tomorrow night when I get him from Christmas do, waiting for me to go up to bed.
39:28I could kill you right now if I wanted.
39:31Oh, no.
39:32A what?
39:32But why does he even consider that?
39:35But I'm not going to do that.
39:37Oh, well, what are you going to do then, you weirdo?
39:40What a nasty piece of work he's turned out to be.
39:43The cosy manny.
39:44Because I want you to suffer.
39:46Oh, hello, what?
39:48Now, this sounds revengeful, doesn't it?
39:52Just like I did.
39:54It's a vendetta.
39:56Ooh, for what?
39:59Oh, frigging hell.
40:00Now I've got to sit here all night, working out, oh, oh, oh, oh.
40:05And what's the connection?
40:06And what's the connection?
40:07It's very unlikely that Jack Whitehall be a serial killer.
40:12I mean, it makes it rather unpleasant to watch.
40:15Beggars belief, it's almost as if you had Queen Elizabeth II being a psycho killer.
40:21You know, Jack Whitehall?
40:24Of course not.
40:25It's unlikely, isn't it?
40:28In Leeds.
40:29Have you seen her of Aunty Margaret since she's been back off her halls?
40:33So, she called round last night.
40:35She didn't come in, she just stood at the door.
40:37Because she'd been sorting out our case.
40:40Sisters Ellie and Izzy.
40:42Margaret didn't have a right lot to say.
40:44I can't believe, since Margaret's come back off holiday,
40:47none of us have heard anything off her.
40:50Where's she been?
40:51Been to Selby with Barry.
40:52Yeah, bloody...
40:53Her and Barry being out for a drive.
40:55God, you'd think she'd have had enough of him after spending 11 nights with him.
40:59I think I'd want to strangle Toby after 11 nights on holiday with him just us two.
41:04Never mind, go for a drive to Selby.
41:06I know.
41:08Bloody hell, Margaret.
41:10Put Barry down.
41:11She can't get enough of him.
41:13This week, the world's sexiest man was putting us to sleep on the BBC.
41:18I'm keeping the remote.
41:19I know.
41:19Why are you keeping the remote?
41:20Because you won't let me watch it.
41:22Oh, God.
41:23Will you sit still?
41:25Oh, goodness.
41:28CBeebies Bedtime Story.
41:30We're watching C-fucking-Beebies.
41:32Hello.
41:33I'm Jonathan.
41:34Oh, hello.
41:36Jonathan.
41:37I know who you are.
41:38Oh, calm down.
41:39I'm not calming down.
41:41It's bedtime.
41:42Do you love magic?
41:43Oh, yeah.
41:44I love magic, Jonathan.
41:45He's just been crowned the most sexiest man in 2025.
41:49Christ almighty.
41:50I'm dying to watch this then, Julie.
41:52Yeah, me too.
41:53Oh, he's doing this for the mums, isn't he?
41:56Is he?
41:57Well, I'm so glad.
41:59I'd love to be able to cast spells like witches and wizards.
42:02Oh, he's got a lovely voice.
42:03He has got a nice voice, hasn't he?
42:04It's a rather smoothie verb.
42:06It'd be good for telephone sex if you went into that.
42:09And if I was magical, do you know what I'd do right now?
42:13What?
42:13I think you're magical, Jonathan.
42:15Oh, please, can you get a grip?
42:17You know, if I was magical, you won't be fucking sat in there.
42:21You won't be telling bedtime stories.
42:23Of course, yeah.
42:24I'd conjure up a cute, cuddly little friend to sit here with me while I read you a bedtime story.
42:30I bet you would.
42:32That's me.
42:33I'm cute.
42:34I'm cuddly.
42:35I'm the one you want.
42:39There he is.
42:41Ladies.
42:43Maybe I am magic after all.
42:45I think you are.
42:46No, I see.
42:46I can't cope with this.
42:47Oh.
42:48What are you talking about?
42:50Is he?
42:50Look at Jonathan's bulge.
42:52Bloody hell.
42:54I love a jeans bulge.
42:56Do you?
42:58Now, we're ready for a magical bedtime.
43:02Oh.
43:03So, snuggle up and get ready for an exciting adventure.
43:07Okay.
43:08Snuggle up.
43:08I'm getting snuggled, Jonathan.
43:11I think you should go home and watch this.
43:13It's called Room on the Broom.
43:14Room on the Broom.
43:16Room on the Broom.
43:17Oh.
43:18Room on my broom, mate.
43:19Oh, for fuck's sake.
43:21And it was written by Julia Donaldson.
43:24Julia Donaldson.
43:25One of my favourite actual authors, that.
43:27Julia Donaldson.
43:29She writes kids about.
43:30Yeah.
43:31With illustrations by Axel Scheffler.
43:33Say Axel Scheffler, Steve.
43:36Axel Scheffler.
43:38Not bad.
43:39The witch had a cat, and a very tall hat, and long ginger hair, which she wore in a plait.
43:47The witch is ginger like me.
43:49Yeah, she looks a bit like you.
43:50And how the cat spat.
43:51That's insulting.
43:53How the cat purred.
43:56Oh.
43:58Purred.
43:59What is going on here?
44:00You know, this is definitely not bedtime story.
44:03And how the witch grinned.
44:05I'm lost and transfixed by this.
44:07He could be reading the Bible, for all I know.
44:10Then, out of the bushes, on thundering paws.
44:14You don't have to look at the pictures.
44:16You just listen to his voice.
44:17The dog with the hat in his jaws.
44:19He dropped it, politely, then eagerly said...
44:24Bent over and pick it up.
44:27Banana.
44:28I am a dog, as keen as can be.
44:32Is there room on the broom for a dog like me?
44:34Are you attracted to him?
44:36Well, I think he's quite entertaining.
44:38You wouldn't throw him out.
44:39That tells him not the right age group to go out with him.
44:42However, my only thing I have against this is I'm dreading it ending.
44:49She dropped it, politely, and bent her head low.
44:53Go on.
44:54Then said, as the witch tied her plait in a bow...
44:57I am a bird.
44:58I'm a bird.
45:00As green as can be.
45:02Is there room on the broom for a bird like me?
45:04Yes.
45:05Is there room on your broom for a bird like me?
45:07They shut through the sky to the back of beyond.
45:13The witch clutched her bow, but let go of her wand.
45:18So now the wand's gone now, so who's going to find the wand now?
45:22You two are invested in it.
45:24Then, all of a sudden, from out of a pond,
45:28leapt a dripping wet frog with a dripping wet wand.
45:33A dripping wet wand?
45:35Oh, for God's sake.
45:37That's a bit much.
45:39I'll tell you what, you'd be paying £2.50 a minute if this were on Babes station.
45:44Over the moors and the mountains they flew,
45:47the frog jumped for joy and...
45:50Oh!
45:51What's that?
45:53The broom snapped in two.
45:54Oh, my days.
45:56Oh, the last thing you want to do is snap your broom mid-flight.
45:59LAUGHTER
45:59The witch was so kind to let the dog, the bird and the frog
46:04join her and the cat on the broom.
46:06Yeah.
46:07I wonder if there's room on the broom for a Jonathan like me.
46:11Good night.
46:12I don't think so.
46:15Oh!
46:16Turn it off!
46:18Night-night, Lee.
46:19Night-night.
46:19Well, Sandy's doing the Riviera by rail.
46:27Toxvig takes the train tomorrow at five past eight.
46:30And we've got new drama, a true story from the Troubles.
46:34Maxine Peake and Lola Petticrew in Say Nothing beginning Monday at nine.
46:39Stay with us here on Channel 4.
46:40The Last Leg is on the way next.
46:42The Last Leg is on the way next week.
46:43The Last Leg is on the way next week.
46:44The Last Leg is on the way next week.
46:45The Last Leg is on the way next week.
46:46The Last Leg is on the way next week.
46:47The Last Leg is on the way next week.
46:48The Last Leg is on the way next week.
46:49The Last Leg is on the way next week.
46:50The Last Leg is on the way next week.
46:51The Last Leg is on the way next week.
46:52The Last Leg is on the way next week.
46:53The Last Leg is on the way next week.
46:54The Last Leg is on the way next week.
46:55The Last Leg is on the way next week.
46:56The Last Leg is on the way next week.
46:57The Last Leg is on the way next week.
46:58The Last Leg is on the way next week.
46:59The Last Leg is on the way next week.
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