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The Last Leg Season 33 Episode 7
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FunTranscript
00:00Thank you for lettin' us be ourselves
00:02So don't mind me if I repeat myself
00:04These simple lines be good for your health
00:06Keep them crime rhymes on the shelf
00:08Live love life like you just don't care
00:10Five thousand leaders never scared
00:12Rating noise is the moment they fear
00:16Get up, you're still a beautiful idea
00:18Get up, throw your hands in the air
00:20Get up, get up, get up
00:22Get up, get up, get up
00:24Get up, get up, get up
00:26Get up, get up
00:28Gather your working families
00:34Hold in your squeeze middle and hope
00:36You don't freeze your assets off, it's Friday
00:38We're live and it's time for the last leg
00:42Tonight on the show, Labour ploughs on
00:44With their budget
00:46We check in on the growth of AI
00:48And we'll plant a seed for the Deaflympics
00:50Plus we'll be joined by actor Rose Ayling-Ellis
00:52And comedians Chris McCausland and Adam Buxton
00:56On the show that sometimes likes to dump on the news
01:08G'day, I'm Adam Hills
01:10Welcome to The Last Leg
01:12The show that doesn't care about Black Friday
01:14Cause we're always 30% off
01:16With me as always with the pride of Dartmoor, Josh Whittacombe
01:18And the man who thought the bond market was where 007 buys his eggs
01:22Alex Brooker
01:28Loads to get through tonight
01:30But we want to start by recapping a couple of awkward moments
01:32We had this week
01:34Firstly, if you saw last week's show
01:36You might have seen this moment
01:38Who's next to the UK's tallest Tory
01:40James McAlpine
01:42He's seven foot two
01:44Although
01:46Are we still ruling out these three school kids in a suit?
01:50Alex, your daughter had an interesting observation
01:54Yeah, I showed the girls that the photo on Saturday morning
01:57And my youngest pointed at Josh and went
02:00Is he a grown-up?
02:05But um, yeah, the best part of it always
02:07I promise them you'll come around for a play date next week
02:11We're going to dare to air
02:12I can't believe we got through the whole week
02:14Without calling him the never-ending Tory
02:16Oh, how did we miss that?
02:18How did we miss that?
02:19Thank God we brought it back
02:21But yeah, we are working together now
02:23We're bringing out our own version of Russian Dolls for Christmas
02:27And my embarrassing moment this week
02:29So, it actually happened last week
02:31I was at Speaker's House in Parliament
02:33For Disability History Month
02:35And I went straight from, you know, working on the last leg
02:38So, I hadn't really had dinner
02:40So I scoffed about three protein bars
02:42Such an athlete
02:43Oh, always, always
02:44I forgot that you were Sylvester Stallone
02:48And look, it was amazing
02:49There was a speech from Paralympian Steph Reid
02:51There were disabled MPs
02:52Dr. Marie Tidbull was there
02:54Here's a couple of photos that I took on the night
02:56It was a pretty guy, it was amazing
02:57I love, I love Osis
02:58Yeah
02:59Getting a photo with a big Ben in the background
03:01You're still a tourist, didn't you?
03:02Oh, absolutely
03:03The problem was, halfway through the night
03:05The protein bars started to kick in
03:07And it was a crowded room
03:08Like Popeye
03:09Well, it wasn't my eye that was popping
03:12Er...
03:14I...
03:15I got quite farty
03:16Did you?
03:17I got quite farty
03:18Squeaker's House?
03:19At Speaker's House?
03:20No, I said Squeaker's House
03:21It's good gear
03:23I thought, you know what?
03:25It's a crowded room
03:26I'm probably okay
03:27Yeah, yeah
03:28You know, loads of talking
03:29There were people here
03:30Yeah
03:31And look, I let a few out
03:32And, um, you know
03:33They weren't noxious
03:34And I thought, I'm fine
03:35I'm getting away with this
03:36And five minutes later
03:37I turned around
03:38And there was a person in a wheelchair
03:39Right behind me
03:40Oh!
03:41And this
03:43This is why we make you sit behind the desk
03:46And you know the worst thing is
03:48What? Yeah, go on
03:49You're like this
03:50Not often you see somebody in Parliament
03:52Following through on something
03:53Oh!
03:54Oh!
03:55Yes
03:56You know, another person in Parliament
03:57Shitting on the disabled
03:58Am I right?
03:59Oh!
04:00Blimey!
04:01Are we on Radio 4?
04:02What's going on?
04:04Ah!
04:05Forget it
04:06The worst thing is
04:07The next night I was at Downing Street
04:08For another function
04:09Oh no
04:10Browning Street
04:11Sorry
04:12It was a short stature
04:13Browning squeak
04:14I've lost it
04:15It was a short statured guy
04:16Behind me for the whole night
04:17Oh no
04:18I've never clenched my buttcheeks harder
04:19In my entire life
04:20Look, we are live on your telly right now
04:22You can send us any questions
04:23You want to ask us about the news
04:24Messages on Instagram
04:25The hashtags
04:26Is it okay?
04:27Whatsapp
04:28The number is 07956175908
04:30Or you can scan the QR code on the screen
04:32For example
04:33Is it okay that Russian scientists this week
04:35Have reportedly fitted transmitters
04:37Into the brains of pigeons
04:39So they can be flown remotely on spy missions?
04:42Hmm
04:43Is it okay that Vladimir Putin uses them to take over a country?
04:46It'll be known as a military coup
04:48Oh
04:50Oh come on
04:51Come on
04:52It's a pigeon pun
04:53What else are you here for?
04:55This is channel 4 on a Friday night
04:59Puns about pigeons
05:01We've got a photo
05:02We've got a photo
05:03We have a striking image of one of the pigeons here
05:05I'll tell you what
05:06I now know what I want for Christmas
05:08Well didn't you
05:10If your wife turned around to Christmas Day
05:12You've got a remote control pigeon
05:14Yep
05:15That would be the greatest
05:16Imagine just like flying it around
05:18It's got a GoPro on it
05:19You can see where it's going
05:20Like shitting on people
05:22And then you find out your mates have also got one
05:24You'll meet up in Trafalgar Square
05:26Just edging forward to some geezer on a bench nicking his chips
05:31I'd give it a year until Adam is running that show with us two on remote control
05:37We also have exclusive images of the KGB agent in charge of the operation
05:42All right, let's jump foot first into the news now
05:48And Gareth said
05:49Is it okay that the budget got leaked ahead of the announcement?
05:52Yes, the Chancellor Rachel Reeves delivered the budget on Wednesday
05:55After several weeks of teasing and leaks
05:57It was like the build-up to the new series of Stranger Things, wasn't it?
06:01Yeah, I was hoping for the Lily Allen album to come out about it as well
06:06Puts a mansion tax on the Pussy Palace
06:08The lead-up to the budget took so long
06:11We even made up our own advent calendar for it
06:13But, as you can see here
06:15When we opened the calendar the day before the budget
06:18We got the budget
06:20Because the Office for Budget Responsibility
06:22Accidentally uploaded the entire budget
06:2440 minutes before it was delivered to Parliament
06:27I got it the day before
06:28Did you?
06:29Because I'm on Rachel Reeves' Patreon
06:34It just meant people weren't interested in it twice
06:37I think what happened, you know when you're talking about somebody
06:43Yeah
06:44And you accidentally text them
06:45Yeah, that's what's happened
06:46That's what happened
06:47The Chancellor began her speech by slagging off the opposition
06:49And bigging up Labour
06:51So it was like the political equivalent of 8 Mile
06:53If Eminem's rap had been released 40 minutes before the battle
06:56Or to put it another way
06:57Her palms were sweaty
06:58Growth weak
06:59Forecast heavy
07:00The OBR released the details of the budget already
07:02Thank you very much
07:04Yeah
07:05Yeah
07:06You get an applause
07:10But the bad news is they've introduced a midlife crisis tax
07:13So
07:14Listen
07:15I've been playing rugby league for 8 years
07:17I've been paying that tax for a while
07:19Each party used different food analogies to describe the budget this week
07:23Rachel Reeves warned that it wouldn't be a pick and mix
07:25While Kemi Badernot called it a smorgasbord of misery
07:28It was like they both used foods they knew their voters would relate to
07:31Like pick and mix and smorgasbord
07:33I'm surprised the Green Party didn't call it a kale salad of confusion
07:36The main takeaway from the budget seems to be that the Chancellor is going to take more in tax
07:41To fund more in public spending
07:43And it's up to you whether you think that's a good thing or a bad thing
07:46The Mirror took a positive tone with their impactful front page
07:49Calling it a budget with a Labour heart
07:51The Sun carried a more damning headline of the benefit street budget
07:55While The Sun also today featured an interview with Rachel Reeves' uncle
07:59And ran with the poetic headline
08:01Fleeced by my niece
08:03Who's an uncle? Dr. Seuss?
08:05Yeah, rejected headlines were
08:07Dad thought it was bad, Mum was glum and her cousin wasn't buzzing
08:11Things haven't improved with my cousin twice removed
08:15The biggest announcement
08:17Just to be clear that's not me saying she's my cousin twice
08:23That was me suggesting a headline
08:25The biggest announcement was the end of the two-child benefits cap
08:29Which meant families on benefits could only claim for their first two children
08:32That's now been gotten rid of, is that okay?
08:35Yeah, but there was a big thing that people criticising it
08:38And there's generally I saw people on and going
08:40Well, that just means those are people just gonna have more babies now
08:43I don't think that's what people were waiting for
08:47You know, I don't think anybody was kind of sat there
08:49Like waiting for their third child
08:51And what Rachel Reeves had said
08:52Then sidling up to Mrs going
08:54Tell you what love, should we budget and chill tonight, shall we?
08:56Yeah
08:58As soon as that leaked report came out
09:00I'd had sex before the budget even started
09:03It's unbelievable
09:04Like that is just this wild idea
09:06That it's this kind of welfare kind of scam
09:10Where you're gonna have a kid so that you can
09:13I think the current is that the first kid you get 25 pounds a week
09:16You get 17th a second
09:17Right
09:18Have you bought a fucking magazine for a child?
09:20It's about 60 quid
09:22Like, it's just wild and it's kind of
09:24It's just wild and it's bringing people out of poverty is a good thing
09:28Well, yeah, so the lifting of the two child benefit cap
09:30Is estimated to bring around 4,000
09:32Sorry, 450,000 children out of poverty
09:35But the question is who's gonna pay for it?
09:37So the freezing of the tax threshold
09:39Means that an extra 800,000 people will now be dragged into paying tax for the first time
09:43And they are not high earners
09:45Kate said is it okay that disabled people are losing motability cars
09:48And still can't rely on accessible public transport
09:51Now, luxury vehicles are being removed from the motability scheme
09:55But Alex has got a point to make on it
09:57Well, yeah, because the big thing is
09:59I think Rachel, who's the word she used was
10:01She wanted to reduce generous taxpayer subsidies from the motability scheme
10:06Yeah
10:07It makes it sound like you're scrounging if you get a luxury car
10:10But basically the way the motability scheme works is
10:12You give over a proportion
10:14You give over the mobility component of your benefit
10:17Which you get you just give them the money
10:18You just don't take the money
10:19Yeah
10:20That goes towards the car
10:21The luxury cars and other cars are basically
10:23It's a down payment that you make yourself
10:26So the government don't
10:27If you go oh by the way can I have a Merc
10:29Yeah
10:30The government don't go yeah we'll do that
10:31You pay it yourself
10:33So it doesn't save them any money either way
10:36And I think it was bowing down
10:38You have like little you know
10:40There's a lot of people that wanted to criticise the idea
10:42Of someone getting something for free
10:44Yeah
10:45It's not for free
10:46It's something that somebody's entitled to first of all
10:47Yeah
10:48Then you've got all these whiff merchants like Lee Anderson
10:50Gobbing off going oh we should go back to what it's like in the 60s
10:52And stuff like that
10:54And I just think this was bowing down to them
10:56Because honestly if you look on the motability website today
10:59Yeah
11:00There's still cars
11:01The way you make a down payment
11:02There was a Volkswagen on there
11:03I looked
11:04£7,900 a down payment
11:06Which was more than what you would have paid for a Merc anyway
11:08So it's just an
11:09It was an aesthetic thing I think to please
11:11People who want to like shit on disabled people
11:14The idea that they're getting something I don't
11:16And yeah I just um
11:18I just think it was whiff
11:19If I'm honest
11:20To give you the political term
11:22It was just
11:23It was just bollocks
11:24Just to kind of have a little jab
11:25At disabled people
11:26Yeah boy
11:27I
11:28I
11:33I disagree
11:36There's a
11:37After I've said that there's a little fly that's just flown on me
11:40And I don't know if you've got remote control flies in government now
11:43Because it's literally
11:44It's staring right at me
11:45Oh yeah he's there
11:46I'm going to move on because we're on television
11:47Sorry mate
11:48Look at that
11:49I'm like Dr. Doolittle over here look at this
11:51I get it
11:52I'm going to point out the cameras though
11:53Yeah no worries though
11:54Yeah carry on
11:55If you're watching in HD that bit was great
11:56Carry on with the rest of the budget
11:57One question being raised this week is where the Labor has broken a manifesto pledge to not raise taxes for working people
12:03Rachel Reeves' response to that was to say they only promised not to raise tax rates for working people
12:07Which is the equivalent of saying look I'm terrible
12:09This informative table was released yesterday that seems to show that the richest people in society are the ones that will be affected the most by the budget
12:25But Josh you've got an issue with it right
12:27Well it's just that obviously that is true but I
12:30The richest 10% there a lot of those people in the richest 10% are the top end of that
12:35Yeah
12:36That 709 pounds isn't going to mean much to Mike Ashley who's in the richest 10%
12:41Whereas all the kind of the middle level the minus 342 pounds minus 230 pounds
12:47That's people where that is a real hit to their actual finances
12:51Yeah
12:52It looks like the top people are paying a lot more
12:54But they're not actually paying a lot more in comparison a lot of them in that 10% to what actually they earn
13:00So once again it feels like the super rich aren't being hit that hard
13:04So are we taxing the wrong people?
13:06Well I think like what Josh was saying there
13:09It's the people in the middle that get squeezed
13:11Yeah
13:12Squeezed a lot more
13:13So I think it's you know obviously it's helping the most vulnerable as you can see from the top end of that graph
13:18But it is always with these budgets
13:20It's the people in the middle the majority of people where if you move up
13:23You know with the fact that the the tax brackets and stuff like that you know
13:27That's all been changed now
13:29And if you move up one and you start paying more tax all of a sudden
13:32You know you lose kind of free childcare the hours of free childcare
13:35Obviously you want to progress in your life and earn more
13:37But it can bring you back down
13:38I feel people are getting squeezed energy bills and stuff like that
13:41Whereas like Josh said the richest
13:43There's there's a fear
13:45Yeah
13:46To tax the richest people in the country
13:48Yeah
13:49There is a fear within the government because of the media
13:51Because of the narrative of that to tax the richest people in the country
13:54I am incredibly lucky right
13:56I for basically a hobby get paid quite a lot of money so I'm in that top level
14:02Yeah
14:03I pay a lot of tax it's a fucking privilege because I get that
14:06I get a nice house I get a good wage for doing something I like
14:10And then you're like well what's this money going towards?
14:13You've just said it
14:14450,000 children being bought out of poverty
14:17Yeah
14:18Is that a good use of people's money?
14:19Of course it fucking is
14:20If it's not what is wrong with your head?
14:23Yeah agreed
14:29And so you know there's a worry that if the government start taxing you know the super rich
14:34They'll leave the country
14:35But should we be worried that a billionaire might leave the country if they get taxed a little bit more?
14:39Surely the best thing about being a billionaire
14:42Yeah
14:43I don't know
14:44But the best thing about being a billionaire is you can do what you fucking want
14:47You can live wherever you want
14:48Yeah
14:49You can do what you...
14:50Imagine being a billionaire
14:51You've got one life
14:52What are you going to do?
14:53I'm going to move because I'm worried about 2% tax on my assets
14:56You're a fucking billionaire mate
14:58Enjoy your life
14:59I think if Labour are worried about...
15:01Unless Paul McCartney decides to move in which case I'm voting reform
15:04If Labour are worried about the reaction to taxing the super rich maybe they could do it by stealth
15:09You know just tax things that only the super rich have like I don't know double barrelled names
15:14Yes
15:15Hyphens
15:16Yes
15:17Red trousers
15:18Or if they want to get to the tech bros maybe a tax on protein shakes
15:234am cold plungers and the Wim Hof Method
15:26Er...
15:27Yeah?
15:28Games of soggy biscuit?
15:29If you really... if you really want to target the super rich
15:33Yep
15:34You tax anyone who is worried about the release of the Epstein file
15:38So our poll tonight is this
15:47What could we tax that only the super rich would feel?
15:50Messages via WhatsApp or on socials use the hashtag tax the super rich
15:53And look on top of everything else Hannah said is it okay that there is a tax on milkshakes?
15:57Well no but the thing is so they've brought just brought out
16:00450,000 children out of poverty
16:03Yeah
16:04And if you're into Nesquik they're going straight back into it
16:06Yeah we've had an absolute touch but my kids into your zoo were fucked
16:11So between smorgasbords, milkshakes and pick and mixers
16:16Er... there was a lot of food being used to describe the budget this week
16:19So we're going to use a lot of food to demonstrate the budget
16:22Alright
16:23Are you ready for this?
16:24Yeah I think so
16:25So the budget began with a tax on pre-packaged lattes
16:28So I'm just going to tip that in there right now
16:30And included a freeze on income tax thresholds
16:33Hence the ice cream
16:34Yeah I'm alright
16:35Have I given you the right job there?
16:36No it's alright you're alright
16:37Don't worry this goes on channel 4 plus 1
16:39Okay
16:40Do you want a couple of scoops boy?
16:42Yeah it's Keir Starmer's favourite flavour, vanilla
16:44There you go
16:45Er... there's also a mansion tax which is why I'm going to put some of this gingerbread house in as well
16:50Er... and an increased duty on alcohol
16:52Oh
16:53There you go
16:54There you go
16:55I'll do the honour of that
16:56There we go
16:57Get that in there
16:58Okay
16:59The big announcement though was the scrapping of the two child benefit cap
17:02That's why those eggs are going in as well
17:04Watch your fingers for that blender eh?
17:06Yep
17:07Now despite saying it wasn't a pick and mix some Labour MPs still had problems with it so it kind of was a bit of a pick and mix
17:13Er... and all in all some commentators were right when they described the budget as a smorgasbord
17:19Mustard?
17:20Yep
17:22And the salmon
17:23Oh my...
17:24Wow
17:25Er... but it also contained a whole bunch of leeks
17:28So...
17:29Oh my god no
17:30Mix all that up
17:31Serve it all up to Parliament and find out which one of us is going to have to drink it
17:43Oh god
17:44Short straw
17:45Oh!
17:46Yes!
17:47Yes!
17:52There you go
17:53Hang on
17:55There's a bucket down there right?
17:56Do you want a sweet Brooker?
17:57Yeah I'll take one on yeah cheers mate
17:59You alright?
18:00How are you getting on?
18:01Oh...
18:03Do you want me to...
18:04You alright?
18:05Do you want me to?
18:06You're doing the next bit?
18:07Yeah okay then
18:08Alright let's welcome tonight's guests
18:09Two Strictly winners
18:10And one comedy legend
18:11Please welcome
18:12Rose Haley Ellis
18:13Chris McCawson
18:14And Adam Buxton
18:15And Adam Buxton
18:16Oh
18:17Oh
18:18That was a great comedy
18:19Oh gosh it's the second time this week you've made a bad smell in front of disabled people
18:36Ah right welcome everyone
18:40Who would like to start with their thoughts on the budget?
18:43Rose? OK, hello.
18:45Erm, yeah, I was thinking it's just so frustrating and annoying
18:50and everyone, the government always say,
18:53well, we have to go through the tough time,
18:55but it always seems to be disabled people going through the tough time.
18:58Yeah. But is it tell at all as Tony Blair?
19:01Sorry?
19:02It tell at all as Tony Blair.
19:05Adam, thoughts?
19:07Erm, I mean, I am known at home by my wife as the fiscal creep.
19:13So it all seems quite familiar to me.
19:17I'm happy that train fares aren't going up for the time being.
19:21Yeah.
19:22I think good tax those gamblers.
19:26Mm-hm.
19:27I approve of all that.
19:30And I guess I like the freezing of the threshold
19:34because it puts off a problem for a while.
19:37And I like to deal with things sometime in the nebulous future.
19:43Can I just ask before we go any further?
19:45Can you all scooch up?
19:46Because Rose doesn't have a back to where she's sitting on the chair.
19:48No, I need a bow back, Rose.
19:49Which way?
19:50This way?
19:51That's it, perfect.
19:52Yeah, fancy.
19:53No, sorry, to the left, Chris.
19:54LAUGHTER
19:56This is the problem we have more than one disabled person on.
20:01LAUGHTER
20:02So you can't see Rose's signer, Rose can't hear, so she's got a signer.
20:08Yeah, how are you feeling, Adam? A little bit outnumbered?
20:11Er, she's deaf, he's blind, I'm stupid.
20:14LAUGHTER
20:15Well, at least we're not a fiscal creep.
20:18LAUGHTER
20:19Er, Chris, what are your thoughts on the budget?
20:21It's a tough gig, innit?
20:22Mm?
20:23You're watching her doing that, and honestly, like, it's...
20:25Like, I've done New Year's Eve gigs in Nottingham
20:28that were, like, that were easier than that.
20:30LAUGHTER
20:31It's a tough gig, but it's...
20:33Do you know what? They're all the same.
20:35All of them, doesn't matter whether it's Labour or Tory,
20:37it's all about hiding the tax.
20:41It's about spreading it out so that you don't realise
20:44how much you're being taxed.
20:45Yeah.
20:46You know, it's little bits here, little bits there.
20:49I mean, the bloody house thing now is just a hidden inheritance tax,
20:53isn't it?
20:54Cos, oh, you can defer it, which means we can have more
20:56of your house when you die.
20:58It's mad that you can give money to dogs for free,
21:02but you can't give money to your own kids.
21:04LAUGHTER
21:05What products do you think should be taxed to, er...
21:07Two people like that!
21:09LAUGHTER
21:10Yeah!
21:11Two people!
21:13APPLAUSE
21:15Nah, they were the dog owners.
21:17We like dogs!
21:19LAUGHTER
21:20We thought the blind man would like dogs, come on!
21:23LAUGHTER
21:30What products do you think should be taxed to, um,
21:32affect the super rich?
21:33Go on.
21:34Paddle.
21:36Paddle!
21:37Oh!
21:38Oh, spicy!
21:39Because there's only rich, a lot of rich people play paddle,
21:42and it's so expensive to book a court-y day.
21:44It is, you're right.
21:45Yeah!
21:46Is that Asia Creek for one hour?
21:48Yeah!
21:49It'd be nice if people played it and didn't post about it
21:51on social media, didn't it?
21:52LAUGHTER
21:53Yeah!
21:54I don't, I don't, I don't...
21:55Obviously I can't play it, but I assume you just get extra points
21:57for putting it on Instagram.
21:58LAUGHTER
21:59Well, it wasn't for politicians though, would it?
22:01Because they're usually up Sheck Creek without one.
22:04LAUGHTER
22:05Please!
22:06APPLAUSE
22:07In more political news, Simon says, oh, Simon says,
22:11um, is it OK for Starmer to lead children into the 6-7 dance
22:15while visiting a school?
22:16Yeah, so this week, the Prime Minister inadvertently
22:19led a whole bunch of school kids in a brain-rock trend.
22:21Uh, here is the butt-clenchingly awkward footage he posted.
22:25We're looking at page 6-7.
22:28Oh, it's not on the page.
22:296-7.
22:306-7.
22:31Yeah.
22:326-7.
22:33Everybody...
22:346-7.
22:35Are you doing page 6-7?
22:36We're not over that yet.
22:37We're not over that.
22:38It's not...
22:40Still very much a thing.
22:41That's a bit wild.
22:42...for that lovely 6-7.
22:44You know children get into trouble today in Latinx school?
22:47Oh, do they?
22:48LAUGHTER
22:49LAUGHTER
22:50So, yeah.
22:51They're lovely children in the year.
22:52Yeah, there they are.
22:53Sorry about that.
22:54No, no, it's absolutely fine.
22:56Uh-huh.
22:57It's fine.
22:58I didn't start it, miss.
22:59LAUGHTER
23:00They were OK with a 6-7.
23:02It was him writing Nigel is a wanker on the desk,
23:04they didn't have him.
23:05LAUGHTER
23:07Thank God it was Keir Starmer.
23:08If that had been Boris Johnson,
23:096-7 would have been the number of kids he thinks he has.
23:12LAUGHTER
23:14Uh, are you aware of the 6-7 trend?
23:16Do you...
23:17Nah.
23:18No-one over...
23:19Chris?
23:20My son told me about it.
23:21I asked him about it the other day.
23:23He's 21 years old.
23:25LAUGHTER
23:26He rolled his eyes at me and he looked very sad.
23:29And he said...
23:30I was like, when do you do it?
23:31What does it mean?
23:32And he said, oh, God.
23:34Uh, you just say it, like, to wind people up.
23:38Like, if an adult asks you a question...
23:40Yeah.
23:41..you just say 6-7.
23:43And it can work for anything that you're asked at all.
23:46And the more you talk about it, the more they think
23:48you look like an idiot.
23:49Yes.
23:50But, I've got to say, I think Keir Starmer
23:51actually looked alright from that clip.
23:52Yeah.
23:53And, in fact, I think he needs to get involved
23:54in some more online trends.
23:56For example, there's a trend in which you ask someone
23:57to recite an innocent list, and then you pretend
23:59it's a list of things they've put up their bum.
24:01This is unfair.
24:02This was unfair.
24:03We did one for the show last week.
24:04This was unfair.
24:05We asked Josh what's in his bag,
24:07and then we made it look like he was talking about,
24:10OK, this is what it looked like.
24:12Things that Josh and I have stuck up our bums.
24:15Me, nothing but Josh.
24:17A book about the 90s.
24:18An inhaler.
24:20Some pills, i.e.
24:22for headaches, rather than getting off my face.
24:25Um, an apple charger.
24:29Because I just think the other ones,
24:30they don't charge fast enough.
24:32Let's be honest.
24:33Paying the money is worth it.
24:35And, um, uh, I've got a pretty stick in there,
24:40but I don't know how it got in there.
24:48Bullying!
24:49It's bullying!
24:50So, with apologies to the Prime Minister,
24:52we are doing this purely to make you look better
24:54on social media.
24:55This is for Keir Starmer.
24:57Things that I've put up my bum.
25:00Me, nothing.
25:02Keir Starmer...
25:03Bills.
25:04Season tickets at Arsenal.
25:05The Whip.
25:06Each and every Tory leaflet.
25:08Hand sanitiser.
25:09Carpet, somehow.
25:10A guitar that was lent by my good friend John.
25:13Fish.
25:14An olive branch.
25:15Bendy bananas.
25:16And, you know,
25:18taking out a chainsaw isn't quite my style.
25:22Happy with that?
25:24Happy with that?
25:30We'll have more last week for you after the break.
25:32We'll look at the future of AI eyes.
25:34Plus, we want to know,
25:35what should we tax that would only affect the super rich?
25:37Message us via WhatsApp or on socials
25:39using the hashtag tax the super rich.
25:41We'll see you in a little bit.
25:42APPLAUSE
25:57Welcome back to The Last Leg.
25:58We're joined by Rose Ailing Ellis, Chris McCausland and Adam Buxton.
26:02Chris has got an autobiography out.
26:05It's called Keep Laughing.
26:06I'm holding it up to the camera now, Chris, just letting you know.
26:09What was it like writing your autobiography?
26:11Do you know what?
26:12It was actually easier than I thought it was going to be.
26:16It was aided by the fact that Penguin put it on sale
26:20and told me it was going to be out in seven months' time.
26:23LAUGHTER
26:24And so I got cracking with it.
26:26But, like, I think doing Strictly, it was...
26:28It opened me up in a way that, like,
26:30I think if I'd have written a year ago,
26:32I just would have wrote all the funny stuff, you know?
26:34Yeah.
26:35But I was able...
26:36Once you've cried on the telly in front of 10 million people,
26:38you feel a lot more open about your emotions.
26:40LAUGHTER
26:41And so I wrote all the funny stuff,
26:42but then there was a little bit more depth to it
26:45than there would have otherwise been, you know,
26:47and a little bit more letting people in that I wouldn't have done,
26:49cos I'm a scouser who digs a hole and buries his shit
26:52in the hole and builds a car park on top of it, usually, you know?
26:55LAUGHTER
26:56So it starts right back at your birth, was it nostalgic?
26:58Yeah, I mean, like, when you're writing an autobiography,
27:01who starts as a baby? What's the point?
27:03You can't remember it, can you?
27:04LAUGHTER
27:05But because I lost me sight from birth over 25 years,
27:08what I didn't want to do was be going all the way through the book
27:11and now this is what was happening with the deterioration of me sight.
27:14So I thought, I'll nail it all at the beginning
27:16and get it out of the way in a funny way at the beginning,
27:19and then I can tell all the funny stories
27:21that happened about losing your sight and growing up
27:24and, you know, playing in the streets in Liverpool
27:26and losing your sight over 25 years
27:28without having to get bogged down in it, you know?
27:30Yeah.
27:31It was good, I loved writing it, really,
27:33and all the nostalgic stuff about being a kid
27:36and, you know, the mayhem you get up to on the streets
27:38before we all had computers and, you know,
27:40the games we used to play.
27:41We used to put each other in a bin
27:43so that one of us got the mange bin juice on them.
27:46And then they'd have to chase you around the streets
27:49until they could rub their bin juice on somebody else.
27:52And then there'd be two of them and then they'd...
27:54You'd have to carry on until there was only one kid
27:56who didn't have the bin juice on him.
27:58And, um, oh, the laughter we had.
28:04Well, here's the question for you.
28:05Did you record an audiobook version of it?
28:08So I did, I did, I did the audiobook.
28:10It's mad, how does a blind guy read a book out loud?
28:13And I'll tell you, there's quite a lot of people in Penguin
28:16who are going to be having considerable therapy
28:18for quite some time.
28:19Um, I did, I...
28:21So I do it where I listen to my own text in one ear
28:25and it was 122,000 words of this book
28:28and I'm listening to it while I'm performing it, you know.
28:31Oh, wow.
28:32And, um, we'd start at, like, 10 in the morning
28:35and we booked in 10 till 5,
28:37but every day we'd get to half past three and my brain
28:39would be like porridge and we were like,
28:41yeah, should we just call it quits
28:42and then start again tomorrow?
28:44But it sounds great and you wouldn't know that that's...
28:47That's the thing with disability sometimes is,
28:49you have to take different routes to get somewhere
28:51and it can take twice as much work,
28:52but if the product at the end is good,
28:55then it's worth all the effort, innit?
28:57Yeah.
28:58You know, and, as you say, it's out now
29:00and, um, it's Black Friday, it's on Amazon
29:02on a discount, innit?
29:04And it's quite fat, innit?
29:05Adam, it wraps up well, you know.
29:07Whenever there's a day to buy a book by a blind guy,
29:09it's Black Friday.
29:11LAUGHTER
29:14Uh, and look, you've just had a new show go to air
29:16on the BBC.
29:17Yeah.
29:18You've demonstrated...
29:19I find this fascinating.
29:20You've demonstrated how AI helps you get dressed.
29:22Well, I mean...
29:23LAUGHTER
29:24It makes it sound like I've got a robot going,
29:26come on, one-legged!
29:27LAUGHTER
29:28LAUGHTER
29:29I have, he's called Josh.
29:31LAUGHTER
29:33Are you on your phone, Josh?
29:35No, no, I was getting my phone out
29:36cos we're doing this AI.
29:37Oh, OK, yes, good point, good point, good point.
29:39LAUGHTER
29:40Sorry.
29:41So, yeah, explain how this works, Chris.
29:42So, like, a lot of people use AI for, like, you know,
29:45creating images.
29:46That's what you hear of being used for a lot,
29:48making videos and stuff.
29:49I use it the other way round,
29:50I use it for interpreting images and videos.
29:52And you can switch it on on the phone
29:54and ask it things like you've got a person with you
29:57and ask it, like, does this, is this shirt clean?
30:00Does this need iron?
30:02So...
30:03What T-shirt's this, you know?
30:04I've got it here.
30:05So, I've got AI on my phone, so I can...
30:07I'm looking at Brooker.
30:09Yeah, AI, can you help me with something?
30:14Yeah, absolutely.
30:15I'm here to help.
30:16If you want me to take a look at what someone's wearing
30:18or just let you know something what's OK, just point it out.
30:21What does this guy look like, who I'm looking at?
30:26Yeah, sure.
30:27So, the guy you're looking at has kind of a neat beard
30:29and a short haircut
30:31and he's wearing a casual jacket over a T-shirt.
30:33He looks pretty relaxed, just kind of sitting there.
30:36So, overall, kind of a casual and friendly look.
30:39And what...
30:40What do you make of his hands?
30:44Yeah, so, I do notice that he's got a prosthetic arm
30:47or kind of a unique limb situation going on there.
30:50A unique limb situation?
30:56Of what situation?
30:57A unique limb situation.
31:00I'll tell you what.
31:01Thank you, AI.
31:03You are one of the nicest people on Earth.
31:05Well...
31:06I mean, I've never wanted to start a band,
31:08but unique limb situation.
31:15We'll be going on tour next year.
31:16If nothing else, mate, you've just had your autobiography name for you.
31:20I can't believe they programmed AI with awkwardness.
31:27All right, let's cover some disability sport now.
31:29Yvonne said,
31:30Is it okay that deaf athletes have to self-fund?
31:32Yeah, so, the Deaflympics wrapped up in Tokyo this week,
31:34and for a whole bunch of reasons, very few people heard about it.
31:37Japan won 51 medals.
31:39There you go.
31:40There it is.
31:41There it is.
31:42Japan won 51 medals.
31:43GB took home five gold, three silver and four bronze.
31:45And let's congratulate GB with a deaf round of applause,
31:48which has hands in the air, waggle your fingers.
31:51This is a unique limb situation.
31:55I always worry when I do this,
31:56that deaf people think I'm doing it sarcastically.
32:03Why do deaf people do this?
32:04Because, like, it's visual, but so is that.
32:07That's visual.
32:08I don't know why I asked that question.
32:10You can still see people clapping their hands.
32:11I know.
32:12Oh, yeah, good point.
32:13I know, I don't know.
32:14Don't ask me!
32:15I think we should have more disabled people turning on each other on here.
32:22What's the deal with fucking Australians with one leg as well?
32:25That's my...
32:26Look, for some reason,
32:27the Deaf Olympics don't get anywhere near the attention
32:29that the Paralympics do,
32:30which is weird,
32:31because they started 24 years before the first Paralympic Games
32:33at Stoke Mandeville.
32:34So why aren't they part of the Paralympics?
32:36Well, according to the International Deaf Sports Committee,
32:38many deaf people don't consider themselves disabled,
32:41and some consider themselves to be part of a cultural
32:44and linguistic minority.
32:45Now, I don't know if that's why, but, Rose,
32:48you sent a message to the Deaf Olympics GB team.
32:50Were you disappointed they weren't covered on TV?
32:53Yeah, because, um...
32:55I feel like, at least, it could be somewhere
32:58at eight in the morning, at least something,
33:00but there's nothing out there.
33:01So I am a bit disappointed,
33:02but I know some people could say,
33:04well, there isn't enough people watching it,
33:06but they all said the same thing about Paralympics,
33:09and then look what the Paralympics done.
33:11Yeah, exactly, exactly.
33:12And the thing is, it's sad to miss out,
33:14because of those medals, seven of them were won by a girl
33:18who was 15 years old who swam.
33:20Wow!
33:21And she won three off a gold medal,
33:23and that would be such a sad opportunity to miss out.
33:26And I'm sure everyone would love to watch stories like that.
33:29Yeah. Absolutely.
33:30And look, you know, we're going to have more Last Legs for you
33:32after the break,
33:33but since we often celebrate the end of the Paralympics
33:35with a montage of some of the best moments of the Games,
33:37tonight we thought we'd do the same for the Deaf Olympics.
33:40So here it is.
33:41We'll see you in a little bit.
34:00We'll see you next time.
34:30Welcome back to Last Leg. We're joined by Rose Ailing Ellis, Chris McCausland and Adam Buxton.
34:35The drink I had earlier has hit my stomach and it's not happy about it at all.
34:39Let's move on, though. Adam, you've got an album out.
34:42I do. I have it right here. Tell us about it.
34:45It's called Buckle Up.
34:47I mean, it seems amazing and wrong that I have produced an album
34:51when there are so many talented musicians out in the world without record contracts.
34:57But I have a podcast and I do jingles in the podcast that I make myself.
35:01And there was someone at Decca Records who was a fan and she was like,
35:06you should do an album. You do great jingles.
35:09That's how they're making albums these days.
35:12You find people who can do jingles and they say, oh, yeah, just do an album.
35:16It's the same. And it took me...
35:18I think they thought I would just do it in, like, three months.
35:21They could have it out for Christmas. It took me five years.
35:23Right. So one thing Justin Hawkins from the Darkness
35:27start with an Ikea advert as well.
35:29There you go. So you never know, mate.
35:30You could be playing Glastonbury next.
35:32Oh, yeah. All musical geniuses start with jingles, I think.
35:36And I worked with a guy called Joe Mount,
35:39who is the frontman of the band Metronomy.
35:42Yep.
35:42And he produced the record and encouraged me to turn my,
35:46I'm going to say, half-formed song ideas into actual,
35:50well, sort of adjacent, music-adjacent songs.
35:53Did you have feedback along the way?
35:55Yes. I mean, one of the first things I did was write a song
36:00called Pizza Time about my teenage son,
36:04the phase that he was going through,
36:06which was basically just eating pizza
36:08and wearing, like, a bathrobe
36:10and acting like the dude in The Big Lebowski.
36:13Oh, awesome.
36:14And I wrote it,
36:15and it was one of the first songs I'd written on a guitar.
36:18And I thought, oh, this is cool.
36:19I think I've written kind of an important, brilliant song here.
36:22It was late at night, and I'd had some wine.
36:26And...
36:26LAUGHTER
36:27I had met Johnny Greenwood of Radiohead
36:30at a gig a few months before.
36:33I told him I was doing a record,
36:35and he's like, you should send me some stuff.
36:37I'll give you some feedback any time.
36:39I think he was being polite.
36:40But I took him at his word...
36:42LAUGHTER
36:42..and I sent him my demo of Pizza Time.
36:46Didn't hear back immediately.
36:50And, in fact, it was two weeks before I got a reply,
36:53and then it was... I don't know, it was...
36:55See what you think.
36:55This is some of the stuff he said.
36:57I think you're double-tracking the main vocal.
37:00I sang it twice to try and beef up my very weak vocals.
37:03I'm not sure that helps, he says.
37:05Feels like you're trying to hide one voice
37:07behind the other same voice.
37:10LAUGHTER
37:11There's no need.
37:13And then he says, lyrically,
37:14it feels a bit like you're in the uncanny valley
37:16between funny and sincere.
37:18I'm not sure anyone's ever made that work.
37:20LAUGHTER
37:21LAUGHTER
37:22I hope this is more motivational than not.
37:26You did ask.
37:27LAUGHTER
37:28LAUGHTER
37:29LAUGHTER
37:30APPLAUSE
37:31LAUGHTER
37:32APPLAUSE
37:33You're performing a song called Shorts at the end of the show.
37:39What was the inspiration for that?
37:40Yes, well, as you can see, I like shorts,
37:43even in the depth of winter.
37:46I was invited to the Riyadh...
37:48You've got shorts on?
37:48I've got shorts, yeah.
37:49How did you just find this out?
37:51LAUGHTER
37:52Short shorts and...
37:54How short?
37:55LAUGHTER
37:56You feel that knee.
37:58Check out the knee.
37:59You're on the telling.
38:00Yeah.
38:00LAUGHTER
38:01LAUGHTER
38:02LAUGHTER
38:03LAUGHTER
38:04Yeah.
38:05You've got the full knee.
38:06I was going to go and do the Riyadh Comedy Festival
38:09and I was willing to overlook the human rights abuses.
38:11LAUGHTER
38:12But when I found out you can't show your knees...
38:14LAUGHTER
38:15..that's where I draw the line.
38:18LAUGHTER
38:19I'm not going out to that...
38:21You're going to sing shorts at the end of the show.
38:23Um, but right now we're going to bring on this week's mystery guest.
38:25So Chris Rose and Adam have to work out how this person
38:27is connected to the news.
38:28Can we have this week's mystery guest, please?
38:30MUSIC PLAYS
38:40Welcome, Josh, Alex, who is the mystery guest?
38:42Hey, this is Malcolm.
38:43Malcolm has been in the news this week, but why?
38:46Can we have the dramatic lighting change, please?
38:48MUSIC PLAYS
38:49Is it because...
38:51A. His car fell in a sinkhole in the road and he couldn't get it out
38:55as the council put a fence around it for health and safety?
38:58B. His car is stuck until January as he parked it in town overnight
39:03and a full Christmas market was built around it.
39:05LAUGHTER
39:06Or C. His car is stuck in a car park as his dog ate the key a week ago
39:11and he's still waiting for it to shit it out.
39:13LAUGHTER
39:14Uh, now, um, Chris, I mean, visuals help.
39:18Oh, yeah, sorry. So, he's not... Chris, he's not wearing shorts
39:21and he has a standard limb situation.
39:24LAUGHTER
39:26Oh, dear, I knew he was going to come.
39:35LAUGHTER
39:36We will reveal the mystery guest after the break.
39:40Adam Buxton's going to close the show with a song about shorts.
39:43We'll see you in a little bit.
39:44APPLAUSE
39:46Welcome back to Last Leg.
40:00We're joined by Rose Ailing-Ellis, Chris McCausland and Adam Buxton.
40:03Logan messages to say, reminded us to wish a happy 100th birthday
40:06to Dick Van Dyke today.
40:08Aw, happy birthday.
40:10APPLAUSE
40:12Before the break, we challenged our guest to work out
40:14how this person was connected to the news.
40:15Can we have the options again, please?
40:16Yes, this is Malcolm.
40:17Was he in the news because his car fell in the sinkhole in the road
40:23and he couldn't get it out, so council had put a fence around it
40:26for safety.
40:27Was it because his car's stuck until January as he parked it in town
40:30overnight and the full Christmas market was built around it?
40:33Or is it because his car's stuck in the car park as his dog ate the key
40:36a week ago and he's still waiting for it to shit it out?
40:39Erm, what do you think?
40:41Rose?
40:42I was thinking maybe the dog ate the key.
40:44Nick?
40:45Yeah? Rose?
40:46That's insane, isn't it?
40:47I don't think the key that dog ate that would make the news.
40:51And I think if it falls in a sinkhole,
40:53you've got bigger problems than a fence.
40:55LAUGHTER
40:56But with Finney, how did you get into a hole in the first place
40:59when there's a fence already been built around it?
41:01It's a sinkhole.
41:03Oh.
41:04Oh, yeah.
41:05No, no, um, uh, if that was the right answer,
41:09which is not.
41:10LAUGHTER
41:12They built... put the fence around after the car had gone in the hole.
41:15They built it after, OK.
41:17And the dogs take... how long did they take to poo?
41:21They can't take one week to poo.
41:22Depends what they've been eating.
41:25You have steak, you never know.
41:26Yeah, also depends what kind of key.
41:29Yeah. And you should...
41:30Only takes me three days to pass a car key.
41:33LAUGHTER
41:35So what do you think the answer is? Which one?
41:36I would pick the Christmas market.
41:38The Christmas market, Chris?
41:39Oh, the Christmas market?
41:40Yeah. Adam?
41:41I'm sticking with the key.
41:42I like the... I like the idea of the dog going...
41:44Oh, oh!
41:45OK, so, Malcolm...
41:47LAUGHTER
41:49Was it a Rover?
41:50Oh, shut up!
41:53LAUGHTER
41:55Malcolm, what's... what's the answer?
41:57LAUGHTER
41:58Malcolm and my car fell in a mine shaft.
42:00Oh!
42:01Oh!
42:02That was none of the options!
42:04That was the sinkhole!
42:06The sinkhole!
42:07The sinkhole's not mentioned of a mine shaft!
42:08The sinkhole!
42:09The sinkhole!
42:10The sinkhole!
42:11We haven't full-septitised it to you, it's a sinkhole, mate.
42:13We have a photo of the car in the sinkhole.
42:15Yeah, this is it.
42:17Ooh, yeah.
42:18So, the sinkhole.
42:20And there is also one with the fence to prove it.
42:23That's the fence that doesn't happen.
42:24LAUGHTER
42:25I mean, I thought they were out of order giving it a parking ticket, but...
42:28LAUGHTER
42:29So, is there any chance that a Christmas market
42:31was erected around the sinkhole?
42:32LAUGHTER
42:33So, what happened?
42:34Like, when you got up and you...
42:36So, did you just get up one day, see your car's in the hole?
42:39Like, what's the first thing you think?
42:41Cos I'd think that someone's... that's a prank, but...
42:44I didn't really know what to think.
42:45I just walked out, saw it in a hole,
42:47and had to wait for the police to turn up and close the area off.
42:50Make sure everything's safe.
42:51So, is the car... did you get the...
42:53Like, did they get the car... car out?
42:55Like, how... how...
42:57So, the council wouldn't let me get the car out,
42:59but the recovery company weren't told that by my insurance company,
43:02and he let himself in and took it out anyway.
43:04LAUGHTER
43:08Malcolm, thank you so much for coming on the show.
43:10A round of applause for Malcolm.
43:12Welcome, Malcolm.
43:13APPLAUSE
43:16Ah, shouldn't go for that one.
43:19All right, we asked you what we should tax to affect the super-rich.
43:22Ah, someone from Canada said flat whites with oat milk.
43:25Ah, other suggestions included, ah, underfloor heating,
43:29sleeveless gilets,
43:31ah, buying the Telegraph, not the paper, the entire country.
43:34LAUGHTER
43:35Ah, let's see, salmon pink trousers, we said that one.
43:38Sleeveless gilets...
43:39We should tax the posh instead of the rich.
43:42LAUGHTER
43:43Anyone that still says Mummy and Daddy after they're 18 years old,
43:47thousands of times.
43:48The problem with the sleeveless gilets is they still look long on me.
43:51LAUGHTER
43:52All right, Adam Buxton is about to close the show with a song about shorts,
43:55but before he does that, would you please thank our guests?
43:58Rose Ayling-Ellis and her interpreter, Toby!
44:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:03Chris McCausland...
44:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:06Adam Buxton...
44:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:08..and my co-host Joss Whittacombe and Alex Brooker.
44:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:14We'll be back next week with actor Guz Khan and comedian Amy Gledhill.
44:17Right now, though, this is Adam Buxton with his song, Shorts.
44:21Thanks for watching The Last League.
44:22My name's Adam Hills. See you next week for The Next League.
44:24APPLAUSE
44:26Oh, I'm wearing shorts.
44:31I wear them when the weather's warmer.
44:36Oh, for sports.
44:38I like to feel the breeze
44:42on my shins and knees.
44:45Shorts. Shorts. Shorts. Shorts. Shorts.
44:50Not everybody likes my shorts.
44:53Not everybody wants to see my middle-aged man legs.
44:57Shorts.
45:01You're not a schoolboy now.
45:04It's time you've got yourself a pedal on trousers.
45:08A pair of man pants.
45:11But I'm wearing shorts.
45:14Like summer holidaying people.
45:18In resorts.
45:21And I'll wear shorts whatever the season.
45:24I just like shorts. I don't need a reason.
45:27Shorts. Shorts. Shorts. Shorts. Shorts.
45:32Shorts. Baby boy.
45:35Teen boy.
45:37Grown man boy.
45:40Old boy.
45:42Short boy. Short boy.
45:44I wear my shorts to the meeting.
45:46I wear my shorts on a date.
45:49I wear my shorts to the wedding.
45:51I believe my shorts look great.
45:54Cargo. Shorts. Shorts. Shorts. Shorts.
45:56Hiking. Shorts. Shorts.
45:57Cut off. Shorts. Shorts.
45:59Biking shorts.
46:00Bermuda. Shorts. Shorts.
46:01Shorts. Boyfriend. Shorts.
46:03Combat. Jungle shorts.
46:06I'm wearing shorts.
46:08Shorts.
46:10Oh, because they feel so nice.
46:13Shorts.
46:15Shorts.
46:16Shorts.
46:17But they don't want them in the snooty arms.
46:20Law courts.
46:21Fancy restaurants.
46:24Shorts.
46:26Here's my dream.
46:28Oh, I love your shorts.
46:42Look at the freedom around your groin.
46:53You and me, living free, being who we want to be, wearing shorts eternally.
47:05Legs, no legs, whatever your state, life's too long to wait to wear your shorts.
47:15Shorts.
47:21Shorts.
47:22Shorts.
47:23Thank you!
47:24Thank you!
47:25Thank you!
47:25Thank you!
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