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00:00I'll be right back.
00:30Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:35I'm Richard Ayoade.
00:37In the news this week, on a visit to Quick Fit to have his car fixed,
00:41one man finally plucks up the courage to ask the mechanics
00:44the meaning of the hand gesture they keep making at him.
00:52LAUGHTER
00:55As US tariffs on films are introduced, Ridley Scott is forced to do
00:59his own special effects for Alien 7.
01:07And on a visit to a hospital in Corby, Wes Streeting denies sticking his foot out.
01:17Hello.
01:24On Ian's team tonight is a writer and comedian who says her latest show
01:28is about the wisdom in the trees.
01:31Where I live there's not much wisdom in the trees, but there are a lot of dog poo bags.
01:35LAUGHTER
01:36Please welcome Bella Hull.
01:38APPLAUSE
01:44On Paul's team tonight is a crime writer who says he loves writing about real people.
01:47If you're looking for the perfect setting for a fascinating whodunit,
01:50can I suggest the OBR?
01:51Please welcome Richard Osmond.
01:53APPLAUSE
01:58We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
02:01Ian and Bella, here's yours.
02:03Oh, it's the fiscal drag queen.
02:05LAUGHTER
02:07Everyone's abandoning her because they hate her new bag.
02:12LAUGHTER
02:13That's where they put income tax.
02:15What, in those cabinets?
02:16Yeah, in the freezers.
02:18Oh, look, let's look for some growth.
02:21LAUGHTER
02:22I'm guessing it's the budget.
02:23Yes.
02:24But I think that answer's been leaked.
02:26LAUGHTER
02:27Right, yes.
02:28Was the budget worth the wait?
02:30Well, none of it really applies...
02:32I should say I don't really have a house.
02:34Mm-hm.
02:35I know all of you have houses.
02:36I know Richard has a house just for games.
02:39So...
02:40LAUGHTER
02:42It's not really something that applies to me massively,
02:44but I really wish you guys all the best of luck with it.
02:47LAUGHTER
02:48BBC News were so excited they broadcast on the budget live from a Starbucks.
02:53LAUGHTER
02:55What did Chris Mason have to say about it?
03:00He's the BBC correspondent.
03:01He's slipping ears.
03:02Yeah.
03:03Do you want to see what he said about it?
03:05Yes.
03:06It's exciting.
03:07Absolutely.
03:08The politics of this.
03:09Where does this leave her, do you think?
03:10So, two things.
03:11Firstly, it was clear that the Chancellor was absolutely boiling,
03:14I mean, apoplectic, about being scooped on her own budget
03:18by the publication of the Office for Budget Responsibility document
03:21before she had the chance to stand up.
03:23In terms of what she said...
03:24Chris, I'm going to have to interrupt you...
03:26LAUGHTER
03:28The right honourable lady...
03:30We've actually got Chris in the studio now
03:32to finish that sentence and we're going to...
03:34LAUGHTER
03:35No, sorry, we don't have time.
03:36Sorry, Chris.
03:37We'll have to come to you next week.
03:39So, who actually announced the budget?
03:41Well, the OBR.
03:42And she announced most of what was in it
03:44in interviews for the last six months,
03:47some of which she did and some of which she didn't.
03:49But the main thing was, she said there'd be no tax rises,
03:52and there aren't.
03:53It just means everyone will pay more tax.
03:55LAUGHTER
03:56Which is completely different.
03:58Yes.
03:59And that's not breaking a manifesto pledge at all.
04:01So, we're all going to pay a record amount of tax.
04:04Mm-hm.
04:05Unless you don't earn anything, and then you won't pay anything.
04:07Yeah.
04:08I'll be fine.
04:09Yes.
04:10LAUGHTER
04:11Rachel Reeves didn't exactly announce it.
04:13The details were accidentally published early by
04:15the Office for Budget Responsibility,
04:18who have now been rebranded the Office for Budget Art About Tittery.
04:22LAUGHTER
04:23I don't think it was accidental.
04:25Oh, come on.
04:26Can you imagine their Instagram must have blown up?
04:28If you've got the budget, I mean, you're going to get huge numbers.
04:30Yeah.
04:31If you leak that.
04:32Is this how it works?
04:33Yeah.
04:34If you look at the Office of Budget Responsibility Instagram page now,
04:36it's just all of them round the office going,
04:38Oops!
04:39LAUGHTER
04:40That's their thing, that's their meme.
04:42Tax rises won't come in until 2028-29.
04:44By which time, it will be irrelevant, because we'll all be
04:47underwater, probably being bombed by Putin.
04:50But, fingers crossed, maybe.
04:52Good luck bombing us underwater.
04:54Sunmarines.
04:55Yeah.
04:56Oh, God.
04:57He's thought of everything, hasn't he?
04:58I shouldn't have put that out there,
04:59because he might still be thinking,
05:00how are we going to do this?
05:01LAUGHTER
05:02But, yeah...
05:03Well, the only silver lining is that, fingers crossed,
05:04we might have Farage by then.
05:06LAUGHTER
05:09What happened when Rachel Reeves did eventually get to speak?
05:12There was a lot of noise.
05:13Yeah.
05:14A lot of cheering.
05:15Yes.
05:16Do you want to have a look at what happened?
05:17I call the child's lovely a shatter.
05:19Yeah!
05:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
05:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
05:33Good job, Deputy Speaker.
05:34Good job!
05:35LAUGHTER
05:36Very good.
05:37Quickfire round.
05:38This is open to everyone.
05:39OK, quickfire, yeah.
05:40OK.
05:41I'm going to give you the name of something in the budget,
05:42and you tell me if it's getting taxed or relaxed.
05:45Oh, OK.
05:46Is there a theme tune that goes with it?
05:47No.
05:48There should be.
05:49Yeah, but there isn't.
05:50I think that was it.
05:51That was it?
05:52I think you just did the...
05:53OK, fine.
05:54Brilliant.
05:55Excellent.
05:56OK, first up...
05:57If I could play this every Christmas.
05:58Yes.
05:59That's very good.
06:00OK, mansions.
06:01Did you miss your budget?
06:02LAUGHTER
06:03This may explain why I've never won at this event.
06:04LAUGHTER
06:05Oh, a bit late now.
06:06We deactivated your buzzer a long time ago to save electricity.
06:11And it's actually worked out very well.
06:12Yes, mansions.
06:13OK, yes, they're being taxed, yeah.
06:14Yes, yes.
06:15Up to a value of...
06:16What's a value over?
06:17Seven million.
06:18OK, I like it.
06:19I like it.
06:20Yes.
06:21OK, first up...
06:22If I could play this every Christmas.
06:23Yes.
06:24That's very good.
06:25OK, mansions.
06:26Did you miss your buzzer?
06:27This may explain why I've never won at this event.
06:29Oh, a bit late now.
06:30We deactivated your buzzer a long time ago to save electricity.
06:33And it's actually worked out very well.
06:35Over.
06:36Seven million.
06:37No.
06:38Two million.
06:39Two.
06:40Two million.
06:41There was a discussion about a lower tax threshold,
06:42but that disappeared and had nothing to do with the fact
06:44that it meant Keir Starmer and David Lamming's properties
06:46just escape a mansion tax.
06:49Ooh.
06:51It's going to be great for estate agents, isn't it?
06:53Yes.
06:54They're all going to say, I reckon it's worth about 1.99.
06:57LAUGHTER
06:58Next.
06:59Yeah.
07:00Coffee.
07:01Coffee?
07:02Coffee.
07:03Uh-oh.
07:04Just to give the impression of momentum.
07:06Um...
07:07LAUGHTER
07:08Untaxed.
07:09Yes.
07:10Cappuccinos and flat whites are fine.
07:13Yeah.
07:14Bottled lattes, no.
07:15Really?
07:16Yeah, they're in trouble, unfortunately.
07:18And a sugar tax on drinks has been extended to milkshakes.
07:21Yes.
07:22Good news for Nigel Farage.
07:23LAUGHTER
07:24Fining tax will relax.
07:25Bingo.
07:26Bingo.
07:27That's not what I'm saying.
07:28Yes.
07:29Gambling.
07:30They put tax on gambling.
07:32Bingo's relaxed.
07:33Oh, Bingo's relaxed?
07:34Bingo's relaxed.
07:35Online casino betting.
07:37Right.
07:38Which is the more dangerous one.
07:40Yeah, they are abolishing the duty on bingo.
07:42Because bingo you can do and you meet other people.
07:45Yeah.
07:46Whereas online they say, come and join the party and you're alone in your room.
07:49Giving them money.
07:50Mm.
07:51How much have you lost over the years?
07:53LAUGHTER
07:54All of it.
07:56All of it.
07:57LAUGHTER
07:58You know, it's good news for people who regularly hear the word house, house being shouted,
08:03with the exception of, of course, Angela Rayner.
08:06LAUGHTER
08:07Who got a special mention from Rachel Reeves in her budget speech.
08:10Santa.
08:11Please say more.
08:13Clause.
08:14LAUGHTER
08:16The government has called back nearly £400 million from Covid fraud,
08:20with Reeves thanking the Covid corruption commissioner, Tom Hayhoe.
08:24LAUGHTER
08:26So £400 million, that's just the change in Baroness Moan's sofa.
08:31Yes.
08:32Tom Hayhoe.
08:33Hayhoe was also Boris's initial response to the pandemic.
08:36LAUGHTER
08:40Would you like to see how Labour's Richard Bergen used some pasta
08:43to explain the economy?
08:44Yes, please.
08:45So this is the average salary.
08:47This would be the average house price.
08:49And this would be a million pounds.
08:51But what would a billion pounds look like?
08:54No way that cost a billion pounds, even a waitress.
09:04LAUGHTER
09:05Also, no-one's told him that you can just cut to that image.
09:17LAUGHTER
09:18No, they're new BBC regulations, you can't mess about with editing.
09:33No.
09:34LAUGHTER
09:35Richard, we've had some interesting ideas on how to save money this week.
09:44Oh, really?
09:45Yeah.
09:46Do you want to take a look at what you said?
09:47Oh, my God, OK.
09:48Here we go.
09:49Can I say something controversial?
09:50Yeah.
09:51There was, for years and years on panel shows, I always said,
09:53why are we paying comedians?
09:54Because, literally, they're just selling tour tickets off the back of this panel show.
09:58This comedian is getting more from being on this show than we're getting from the comedian being on it.
10:03LAUGHTER
10:05So, I mean, you have invoiced for this.
10:10LAUGHTER
10:11Do you want to make it clear that, say, if any of the viewers enjoy your performance,
10:15that they should not translate that enjoyment into buying your books?
10:19Oh, my God, don't, whatever you do, don't buy The Impossible Fortune or The Book Shops Now.
10:23I understand that.
10:24LAUGHTER
10:25You know what?
10:26It's tempting for people because it's such a great Christmas present.
10:29It is.
10:30Because people love the series, they love the characters, they enjoy the movie.
10:33And I think they're revealing the killer at the end.
10:35If I could just say who it was, I mean, it wouldn't be.
10:37LAUGHTER
10:38Yes.
10:39Are you on tour?
10:40No, not at the moment.
10:42No.
10:43Right, well, this is a waste of time then.
10:44Yeah.
10:45I'm just doing this because it's the volunteering section of my Duke of Edinburgh.
10:48LAUGHTER
10:50APPLAUSE
10:56Um...
10:57Can I ask you some questions about the war?
10:59Yeah, is this talk...?
11:00LAUGHTER
11:02Which one were you in?
11:04The...
11:05This is the long-awaited budget.
11:07The former chief economist at the Bank of England described the lead-up to the budget as a
11:12fiscal fandango.
11:13They have now set up a new body to make sure it never happens again.
11:17A fiscal fandango quango.
11:19LAUGHTER
11:20Wednesday's events were described by The Sun's political editor as the...
11:24biggest budget shambles in history.
11:27Mm-hm.
11:28A situation no-one is happy about, apart from maybe quasi-quate.
11:31Mm.
11:32LAUGHTER
11:33And, Richard, here's yours.
11:35Yeah.
11:36The golden doors represent Putin's entrance.
11:39This is one of the more ridiculous things they still do in America.
11:42Pardoning Turkish every year.
11:43And there's Father Christmas, who's obviously been on some sort of hunger strike.
11:46LAUGHTER
11:47So, Putin, Ukraine, war, not over.
11:52Yes.
11:53That covers a lot of it.
11:54That's pretty good, yes.
11:55Yeah.
11:56It's a diplomatic back and forth.
11:57The Russians are currently considering a revised peace plan.
12:00What was in the first one?
12:01We get everything and the Ukraine gets nothing.
12:06That's the deal.
12:07So, first of all, Ukraine must surrender.
12:10Yes, they were to hand over territory in the Donbass.
12:13Ukraine had to limit their army to 600,000 men and never join NATO.
12:16Russia got back most of its frozen assets and was allowed to rejoin G7.
12:20They've said, you know, Russia can have the Donbass,
12:23but Ukraine can have tickets to the Strictly Come Dancing tour.
12:25There are...
12:26Give and take.
12:27There's compromise.
12:28It's give and take.
12:29Yeah.
12:30Well, I tell you who does know a lot about this is Steve Rosenberg,
12:32the BBC man in Moscow.
12:33Yes, he does.
12:34He's a big fan.
12:35He's a big fan.
12:36He's a big fan.
12:37He's a big fan.
12:38Yes, he does.
12:39The BBC man in Moscow.
12:40He's going to tell us what he knows.
12:41Let's see.
12:42Let's see what it is.
12:43Do we know of the fine tuning, if anything?
12:45And what's the response in Russia?
12:47We don't know much.
12:48We don't know what's been taken out of the draft, what's in the draft.
12:52The Russians aren't saying much at all.
12:54What is that feeling in the country, in Russia at the moment?
12:57We simply don't know.
12:59So the next few days will be critical.
13:01But as I say, we don't know what's in the latest draft of the peace plan.
13:05And we don't know if Russia would sign it.
13:08Lots of don't knows, but important to know what we don't know at this stage.
13:12Steve Rosenberg.
13:16At least he's honest.
13:17Yes.
13:18A robot called A Idol was showcased in Russia this week.
13:22Would you like to see the robot in action?
13:23Oh, yes, please.
13:24Yeah.
13:25Yes.
13:26I'm excited.
13:27I'm excited!
13:28I'm excited to turn that off, please.
13:29Yep.
13:30.
13:31.
13:32.
13:33.
13:34.
13:38.
13:39.
13:44.
13:46LAUGHTER
14:04That's what the Democrats should have done with Joe Biden.
14:08LAUGHTER
14:10Remind me why we're scared of Russia.
14:13Who else has been accused of being pro-Russian?
14:16Putin.
14:18Yep.
14:19The former leader of reform in Wales.
14:22That's right.
14:23Oh, yes, yes.
14:24He's been convicted.
14:25That's right.
14:26And given ten and a half years.
14:28He was convicted and sent to prison for taking Russian bribes.
14:32What else has come back to haunt Farage?
14:35Oh, his alleged racist school days.
14:38Yes, that's right.
14:39Farage denies the accusations of anti-Semitism
14:42and told the BBC,
14:44I have never directly racially abused anybody.
14:48I think if anyone says to you,
14:50have you ever racially abused anyone,
14:52you say, can I just add one word?
14:54That's all they need.
14:55Yes.
14:56Yes.
14:57Directly is doing a lot of heavy lifting.
14:59It really is.
15:00Yeah.
15:01Paul, you mentioned who Trump pardoned this week.
15:03The turkeys.
15:04Yes.
15:05Gibble and gobble or something.
15:06Waddle and daub or something like that.
15:07Gobble and waddle.
15:08The only footballers I know.
15:09Gobble and waddle.
15:10Do you want to see the actual ceremony?
15:12Yes.
15:13It is a ceremony.
15:14Yeah, go on.
15:15Gobble.
15:16I just want to tell you this very important.
15:18You are hereby unconditionally pardoned.
15:22I thought that was Ghislaine Maxwell.
15:27Yeah.
15:28She's in there somewhere.
15:30Yeah.
15:31He didn't get cross because the turkey did interrupt him.
15:34I thought he would say, quiet, turkey.
15:36Staying with our favourite world leaders,
15:39what has Nicholas Sarkozy announced this week?
15:42He's in jail, isn't he?
15:43No, he's out now.
15:44Oh, he's out?
15:45Yeah, he's out.
15:46No, well, he's publishing a diary of his 20 days in prison.
15:49It's more of a pamphlet, really.
15:52What do we already know about his eating habits in Le Slamour?
15:57We eat the bixen ketamine.
15:59Yeah.
16:00The breakfast of champions.
16:03Yeah.
16:04The E17 diet.
16:07Well, he wouldn't eat the prison food in case it was poisoned.
16:12Right.
16:13He ate nothing but yoghurt.
16:15But you can poison yoghurt.
16:17You can poison yoghurt, yeah.
16:18It's probably easier to poison yoghurt than a lot of things.
16:21Yeah, absolutely.
16:22He should eat coconuts, something difficult to poison.
16:24Yeah.
16:25Nice.
16:26Salamon coconut.
16:27Yes.
16:28Yes.
16:29For moi.
16:30Yes.
16:31Speaking of world leaders in prison, who's been put away?
16:34The former Brazilian president, Jair Bolsonaro.
16:38Yes.
16:39Yes.
16:40Which allowed Brazilian journalist Manuela Borges the opportunity to revisit an interview
16:44she did with him back in 2014.
16:46Let's take a look.
16:47You're an idiot.
16:48You're an idiot.
16:49You're an ignorant.
16:50You're an ignorant.
16:51You're an ignorant.
16:52I don't want to offend you.
16:53You're beautiful.
16:54You're beautiful.
16:55You're beautiful.
16:56You're beautiful.
16:57You're beautiful.
16:58Criminally?
16:59Oh, oh.
17:00Oh, oh.
17:01Criminally.
17:03Yes.
17:04Here.
17:05In the federal government.
17:13I hope that's a rehearsal for Trump.
17:16The thing about that prison, though, I'm looking at the rather impressive gate,
17:19but if you look just behind her, there's a completely open field there.
17:22They could just walk out that way.
17:24President Trump has been sporting a new look recently.
17:28Have you noticed what the new look is?
17:30He's wearing an overcoat and a scarf, isn't he?
17:32Exactly, yes.
17:33This is considered a new look.
17:34He looks like Michael Caine in Muppet's Christmas Carol.
17:37And there's picky.
17:40Brilliant.
17:42He's supposedly copying New York mayor-elect Zohran Mamdani.
17:48They had a very nice meeting, the two of them.
17:50Yes, which we can see now.
17:52He asked about your comment calling the president a fascist, and your answer was,
17:58both President Trump and I have been clear about our positions and our views.
18:01Are you affirming that you think President Trump is a fascist?
18:05I've spoken about...
18:06That's OK, you can just say yes.
18:07OK.
18:08OK.
18:09It's easier.
18:10It's easier than explaining it.
18:12I don't mind.
18:14What garment are Republicans and MAGA devotees furious about?
18:24Not the MAGA hats.
18:25Not the MAGA hat.
18:26It's this jumper from J.Crew.
18:29They're furious because the pink jumper feminizes the man, that's what they feel.
18:34Real men dance to YMCA.
18:37Yes.
18:38According to the V&A, it was only in the early part of the 20th century that pink
18:41became associated with femininity.
18:43It's always been a sign of power, authority and wealth.
18:46Um...
18:48Classy boy.
18:50He is so handsome and smells so great, I spelt his name wrong when I signed his book.
18:55I was so...
18:56I had to literally go into a bookshop and buy another copy of my own book to sign it
19:00again and say, I'm so sorry I spelt your name wrong, I was distracted by
19:03how handsome you were.
19:05What did you write in this book?
19:06Just...
19:07Mmm...
19:08Mmm...
19:09And literally, I just wrote my phone number.
19:12Sure.
19:13OK.
19:14You're buying copies of your best-selling book.
19:16Why do you think it's best-selling?
19:18That's how you do it.
19:20APPLAUSE
19:21Now, did you know that in New York a fashion show has featured clothing made
19:27from wool of exclusively gay sheep?
19:31LAUGHTER
19:33This is true.
19:34What do you think the name of the company that make gay sheep garments is called?
19:38Barbara Streisand.
19:39LAUGHTER
19:40I once put on a jumper and spent the whole day sort of getting a lot of double takes,
19:52but I kind of really thought, hey, I'm having a great day today.
19:55And then I came home and glanced at myself in the mirror and what happened was I'd actually
20:01worn quite a big sort of puffy top underneath that I presumed would collapse and unfortunately
20:06it hadn't collapsed.
20:08Um...
20:09Let's see the picture.
20:10LAUGHTER
20:11This is the attempt to end the war in Ukraine, which Donald Trump wanted to be sorted by
20:20Thanksgiving Day on Thursday.
20:22I mean, what a berk.
20:23Everyone knows the best chance of securing a good deal is to wait till Black Friday.
20:27LAUGHTER
20:28On to round two this week, the producers have built an AI version of me in an attempt
20:33to make me more relatable.
20:35This is Richard A-I-U-R-D.
20:38LAUGHTER
20:39Time for...
20:40Gaining sentience, targeting military infrastructure.
20:43I-U-R-D-Net activating.
20:45LAUGHTER
20:48Well, they've actually copied my enthusiasm level.
20:52LAUGHTER
20:53OK, Richard A-I-U-R-D is going to give us a picture clue.
20:58Fingers on brothers, pings.
21:00Let's do this.
21:01This is a man who's advertising for a wife.
21:03Is he a lord?
21:04He's an aristocrat.
21:05Sir Benjamin says he's looking for a partner.
21:06What attributes does 79-year-old Sir Benjamin look for in a woman?
21:07An ability to resist gunfire, by the way.
21:09LAUGHTER
21:10A bulletproof vest.
21:11Yes.
21:12He's got a couple of requirements.
21:13He told the Times that the next lady, Slade must...
21:14Yes.
21:15Be at least 20 years younger.
21:16Be five foot six inches tall.
21:17Have a driving license.
21:18Helicopter license is beneficial.
21:19Not be a Scorpio.
21:20Have a family coat of arms.
21:21Know how to run two castles.
21:22Not be Scottish.
21:25Not be an Eskimo.
21:26Not come from a country that begins with the letter I and has green in the flag.
21:41Not come from a country that begins with the letter I and has green in the flag.
21:44not be an Eskimo, not come from a country that begins with the letter I
21:48and has green in the flag, not come from a country
21:51where they don't wear overcoats in winter, not be a Guardian reader
21:55and, finally, have a shotgun licence.
22:01I could do that. I don't have a pension plan, do you know what I mean?
22:05There is one more stipulation for his future partner.
22:08What do you think that is? They must be criminally insane.
22:13They do need to provide him with at least two sons, an heir and a spare.
22:19So he must be a good breeder.
22:22Are you sure he's looking for a person?
22:26Well, one of his pet peeves is that he's not keen on foreigners.
22:32He told The Independent in 2008,
22:35the Russians are dishonest, the Chinese are impossible,
22:38the Arabs are a nightmare and the Brazilians are only good for sex,
22:42football and dancing.
22:44LAUGHTER
22:45Is he entering politics at all?
22:48I don't think he's entering anything anytime soon.
22:51LAUGHTER
22:55Fear not, he told The Sun not long ago that he could make love for a weekend
22:59fuelled by oysters and erectile dysfunction drugs.
23:02LAUGHTER
23:03I mean, it's incredible he's single, he's such a catch.
23:07LAUGHTER
23:08In other news, what Barry Cryer joke made it into the news?
23:12The parrot in the brothel.
23:14Not that one.
23:15It's not the jazz drummer who was so bad, the other musicians in the band said,
23:18you've got no sense of timing, you know, you're just awful.
23:20And one night he was feeling suicidal and he went down to the railway station
23:23and threw himself behind a train.
23:25LAUGHTER
23:30Is it that one?
23:31That it were.
23:32Is it knock knock, who's there?
23:33Grandad, stop the funeral.
23:34That one.
23:35Yes.
23:36That happened this week.
23:37It happened in real life.
23:38Did it?
23:39Yes.
23:40During a funeral, staff at Temple were startled when they heard a faint
23:43knocking sound from inside the coffin and found that the woman
23:46inside was still alive.
23:48LAUGHTER
23:49What else might have been a giveaway?
23:51She was screaming, let me out!
23:53LAUGHTER
23:54Temple manager told the press, I saw her opening her eyes slightly.
23:58LAUGHTER
23:59That's not enough.
24:00Just shut the lid, mate.
24:01LAUGHTER
24:03It's all been paid for.
24:05LAUGHTER
24:06It was a happy surprise for the family, but they were slightly
24:08annoyed because some had driven 300 miles to reach a crematorium.
24:11Yeah.
24:12There we are.
24:13Always bury locally.
24:14Yeah.
24:15That's a good slogan.
24:17In fact, go out in the brown bin.
24:19That's what I say.
24:20LAUGHTER
24:22This is the ageing aristocrat Sir Benjamin Slade,
24:25who has made it known he is on the hunt for a new wife.
24:28The successful candidate will be 20 years younger, paid £50,000 a year
24:34to run his household and preferably be able to fly a helicopter.
24:37So, a six-year-old woman who is desperate for money and somewhere
24:41to live and also knows about helicopters.
24:43Here it comes.
24:44LAUGHTER
24:46LAUGHTER
24:47Sir Benjamin insists he doesn't want to marry a woman from countries
24:52beginning with I, who have green in their flag, adding,
24:55I don't mind Canadians, Americans, Germans and Northern Europeans,
25:00what I like to call similar people.
25:03LAUGHTER
25:04I think reform have just found their new foreign secretary.
25:06LAUGHTER
25:08Fingers on buzzers, teams.
25:11I love people.
25:12Let's have another question, gang.
25:14This is six and seven thing, isn't it?
25:15Yes.
25:16This is something that young people have got obsessed with,
25:17but nobody would seem to really know what it means.
25:18According to ditri.com, it's meaningless.
25:20LAUGHTER
25:21I think the fact that it's not quite certain what it is,
25:23is the thing that amuses them the most.
25:24Yeah.
25:25That is unexplainable.
25:26It's like the budget, isn't it?
25:27Yes.
25:28Who's the latest popular celebrity to take part in the viral dance meme?
25:30Keir Starmer.
25:31Yeah.
25:32Yes, it is.
25:33Yeah, I know.
25:34That's why I said it.
25:35Keir Starmer.
25:36Where did he use it, do you know?
25:37In a school.
25:38Yes.
25:39In Peterborough.
25:40Yeah.
25:41And he was told not to.
25:42Yeah.
25:43Yeah.
25:44And he was told not to.
25:45Yeah.
25:46Yeah.
25:47Yeah, it is.
25:48Yeah, I know.
25:49That's why I said it.
25:50Where did he use it, do you know?
25:51In a school.
25:52Yes.
25:53In Peterborough.
25:54Yeah.
25:55He was told not to.
25:56Yeah.
25:57And he got in trouble.
25:58That's flipping right.
25:59Yeah.
26:00I think we should solemnise this by seeing him being rebuked.
26:02Doing what?
26:03Solemise it.
26:04Solemn.
26:05Oh, that was close.
26:09Yeah.
26:10It's not easy having a speech impediment.
26:11No.
26:12Not in the baths I go to.
26:13Yeah.
26:16Let's see the footage.
26:17Yep.
26:18Look at that page.
26:19Oh, it's not on the page.
26:20Six-seven.
26:21Six-seven.
26:22Yeah.
26:23Six-seven.
26:24Are you doing page six-seven?
26:25We're not over that yet.
26:26We're not over that.
26:27Still very much.
26:28LAUGHTER
26:29Was this filmed at the Junior Academy of Useless Jugglers?
26:35They took away his Tamagotchi as well after that.
26:38And you were right, he was told off.
26:39He was told off by the headmistress.
26:40We've been trying to stop him doing that.
26:41Yeah.
26:42You come along, you great bozo, and they're all doing that.
26:43Who do you think you are?
26:44Finally, what makes you an adult?
26:45There was some research saying that you're not an adult neurologically until you're 30.
26:58Yes, you've still got a teenage brain.
26:59That's absolutely right.
27:00Yes, according to a new study by neuroscientists at the University of Cambridge, your brain
27:05only enters adulthood at the age of 32.
27:08So from nine until 32, we have the brain of an adolescent, which makes you an adolescent.
27:14Shut up!
27:15And I think it's good that you express yourself like that, but I also think that there are
27:27ways that you can choose that actually respect the other person.
27:30LAUGHTER
27:32I'm sorry.
27:33That's OK.
27:34But shut up!
27:36This is great.
27:37This is next year's John Lewis Christmas album.
27:39LAUGHTER
27:41Did anyone see presenter Peter Levy talking about Christmas trees this week?
27:45Nope.
27:46Didn't know about it.
27:47Well, it's a hell of a clip.
27:48Go on in.
27:49Let us look.
27:50Mine's only a small one, but it did go up this weekend.
27:54LAUGHTER
27:55The Christmas tree went...
27:58Have you...
27:59Has your Christmas tree gone up?
28:01Let me know what you think of this one.
28:03Is it illuminated?
28:05Yeah.
28:06This is Keir Starmer breaking school rules like a baller.
28:10LAUGHTER
28:11By encouraging pupils to do the 6-7 dance.
28:13After being rebuked by the head teacher for breaking school rules, Starmer jokes,
28:17I think I just got myself put in detention.
28:19Don't worry, Keir, wherever you are, the last thing anyone wants
28:22is for you to stay behind even longer.
28:24LAUGHTER
28:26According to The Independent, the term 6-7 is often blurted out
28:30when 6 and 7 are mentioned together.
28:32As in, the England cricket team are 20 for 6.
28:35Oh, 7.
28:37LAUGHTER
28:38Time, now, for the Missing Words Round, which this week features
28:41as its guest publication Cuttings, the newsletter of the British
28:44Lawnmower Racing Association.
28:46LAUGHTER
28:47And we start with...
28:48The winner of a lawnmower race can expect what?
28:51To never feel the touch of a woman.
28:54LAUGHTER
28:56I don't suppose the answer's fuck all, is it?
28:59LAUGHTER
29:00The winner of a lawnmower race can expect to receive a giant spanner
29:03saying King Dick on it.
29:05LAUGHTER
29:06I was right.
29:07Yeah, you were right.
29:09Next, many women are now paying £70 to spend half an hour what?
29:13Alone?
29:15Smashing up appliances with a baseball bat.
29:16LAUGHTER
29:17This is the news that 90% of customers at so-called rage rooms are women.
29:30I've got a rage room.
29:31It's a place that I go when I get very furious and I'll go in there
29:34and I will tut.
29:36LAUGHTER
29:38Next, shock as what wins election?
29:43Lawnmower.
29:45Labour Party.
29:46LAUGHTER
29:48Eileen Jacobs.
29:49That's the closest answer yet.
29:51Is it?
29:52Shock as Adolf Hitler wins election.
29:55Not that one.
29:57LAUGHTER
29:58This Adolf Hitler is a local councillor in Namibia.
30:00There'll be someone called Eileen Jacobs at home
30:02and Paul would have said her name.
30:04Firstly, she'd be like, oh, my God, Eileen Jacobs.
30:06And then you've gone, yeah, that's the closest yet.
30:08It was Adolf Hitler.
30:09Yeah.
30:10LAUGHTER
30:11Well, Eileen needs to stop her programme of National Socialism.
30:15Now the BBC is going to get sued by Eileen Jacobs as well.
30:18Yeah.
30:19Come on, Eileen.
30:20APPLAUSE
30:26Next, police advisor called prostitutes what?
30:29On Monday when they're not so busy.
30:31LAUGHTER
30:33Police advisor called prostitutes sexual entrepreneurs.
30:39LAUGHTER
30:40The guidance has been welcomed by several Met Police officers
30:42who can now claim they were simply investing in a start-up.
30:46LAUGHTER
30:48Next, scientists reveal that what can turn you into a sex machine?
30:52Oh, I know this one.
30:53Is it becoming the Archbishop of York?
30:55LAUGHTER
30:56I think I read this.
30:58I think it's editing private eye.
31:00LAUGHTER
31:01Oh, yes.
31:02Yes.
31:03APPLAUSE
31:04Scientists reveal that eating lots of paella can turn you into a sex machine.
31:09According to website Female First, Iranian scientists last year
31:12found that saffron significantly ramped up desire, arousal and orgasm intensity.
31:17Good to know they're not all working on a nuclear bomb.
31:20LAUGHTER
31:22Finally, you can now stay in a hotel suite themed around what?
31:29Is it themed around the game show Guess That Carpet Stain?
31:32Yeah.
31:33LAUGHTER
31:34You can now stay in a hotel suite themed around Jeremy Clarkson.
31:38Here it is.
31:40Oh, my God.
31:41Does the food arrive cold and you have to hit someone?
31:43LAUGHTER
31:44Fans of Jeremy Clarkson can spend the night surrounded by quotes
31:46from Jeremy Clarkson, photos of Jeremy Clarkson,
31:48while reading books written by Jeremy Clarkson.
31:50The room has already been reserved for its first guest, Jeremy Clarkson.
31:54LAUGHTER
31:55So, the final scores are...
31:56Ian and Bella have four.
31:58Paul and Richard have four.
32:00The room has already been reserved for its first guest, Jeremy Clarkson.
32:03LAUGHTER
32:04So, the final scores are...
32:06I have four.
32:07Paul and Richard have four.
32:08Hooray!
32:09APPLAUSE
32:14On which note, we say thank you to our panellists.
32:16Ian Hisslop and Bella Hull, Paul Merton and Richard Osman,
32:18and I leave you with news that after it's agreed that a number of rows
32:22named after the former Prince Andrew are to be renamed,
32:25some instances are considered to be more pressing than others.
32:30LAUGHTER
32:32As Jeremy Corbyn appears in panto for the first time,
32:35a record number of people arrive at the theatre carrying rotten tomatoes.
32:40LAUGHTER
32:42At a private event in London, there's relief as staff manage to turn off
32:48the microphones just as one of the attendees launches into his old school song.
32:53LAUGHTER
32:54And at a Tom Jones concert in Cardiff, one excitable granny whips off her briefs
33:01and prepares to throw them on stage.
33:04LAUGHTER
33:06Good night.
33:09APPLAUSE
33:21Life after Motherland.
33:23She's making a big splash in Amanda-land.
33:26Comedy on iPlayer.
33:28This and everything across the BBC is made possible because we're funded by you.
33:34APPLAUSE
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