Acts of Love

Beachy Bird Movies ,Clips, Songs & Dances

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Transcript

00:00:00.

00:00:30It started for me a year ago when I moved to Mexico City for work.

00:00:52You told me you'd lived there your whole life.

00:00:55We'd been chatting on a dating application and had agreed to meet a few days later at

00:01:00an art opening.

00:01:03I'd already been thinking about sleeping with you.

00:01:07I googled you, and I found out you were born 30 years before me.

00:01:13I'd had fantasies about older men since I was a teenager.

00:01:18And now, far from home, I decided I was finally ready to let myself fall in love with one.

00:01:23It took me a moment to find you even though you're tall.

00:01:32We kissed outside the gallery.

00:01:34It was awkward that first time.

00:01:36I'd had to stand on my tiptoes.

00:01:41I touched your chest, and you invited me to your place.

00:01:51Your touch was electric.

00:01:52Your hands on my back, neck, thighs, ass.

00:01:57My lips around your tongue.

00:01:59My fingers in your soft, thick hair.

00:02:02Your eyes locked on mine.

00:02:06The whole night, under me, around me, inside me.

00:02:14You disappeared, and came back a few minutes later to slip a piece of cheese into my eager

00:02:19mouth.

00:02:26A few weeks later, I stopped paying rent at my apartment, and I moved in with you.

00:02:33One morning I was brushing my teeth when you pointed out the hair I have on my upper arms.

00:02:40I started shaving them.

00:02:44You told me to start exercising since I'd only be this age once.

00:02:49I wondered which birthday would be the one where you'd decide that I'd gotten too old

00:02:52for you.

00:02:59Now it's summer.

00:03:00You're traveling, and so am I.

00:03:04You made no promises about seeing me again.

00:03:09But I can't stop thinking about you.

00:03:14Once I got to Chicago, I started thinking about a film.

00:03:20I wrote an announcement on my dating profile, inviting men to an audition.

00:03:26Come to my studio and be on camera for a half hour.

00:03:29You'll receive something in exchange.

00:03:32It could be sex, or something else.

00:03:38The guys who came in have agreed to act in a film with me.

00:03:43They don't know what it'll be about.

00:03:46And neither do I.

00:03:51Maybe I'm making it in spite of you.

00:03:56Or maybe it's for you.

00:03:58So what specifically is this for?

00:04:13Well, I'm a filmmaker.

00:04:17So there's no specific purpose.

00:04:20It's just I make films, and I'm interested.

00:04:23I'll talk in a second.

00:04:24I'm just going to have to concentrate.

00:04:27I'm just going to frame this.

00:04:31OK.

00:04:34Looks good.

00:04:36Great.

00:04:37And I'm going to check on this one.

00:04:40And I'm going to shift this over a little bit.

00:04:43All right.

00:04:44Cool.

00:04:45Let's see if we can solve this as we could.

00:04:52OK.

00:04:53Well, welcome.

00:04:55Thanks for coming in.

00:04:58So let's see.

00:04:59Well, in terms of Grindr, I've been on Grindr for a while.

00:05:02I met my husband on Grindr, surprisingly.

00:05:08Because it's not really where you see.

00:05:10And it's changed over the years.

00:05:11You see a lot more people on there looking for a relationship.

00:05:15I'm like, dude, it's Grindr.

00:05:17But it can happen.

00:05:19But that wasn't the purpose.

00:05:22And recently, I've shifted.

00:05:24I've gotten a little older, and my libido's not what it used to be.

00:05:28So I'm not really horny all the time, like I was at your age

00:05:33when we didn't have Grindr.

00:05:36So I actually am interested in meeting people.

00:05:40Sort of just to talk with them and meet new people.

00:05:43We've lost that kind of like the art of the cruise,

00:05:47walking around, eyeing a guy, brushing up against him,

00:05:50you know, in a discreet or not so discreet kind of way.

00:05:54We don't do that because we've got these apps.

00:05:57I don't know if you know Jackhammer.

00:05:58I don't.

00:06:00It's a bar, like, just a bar.

00:06:04Jackhammer has a basement.

00:06:06They call it The Hole, of course.

00:06:10And it's pretty raunchy.

00:06:11I mean, it's exactly what you'd expect.

00:06:13But those are things that I had never experienced

00:06:17and kind of had always been a little wary of.

00:06:20So a friend of mine was just like, we've got to go.

00:06:26And had that friend been to those kinds of places?

00:06:28Oh, yeah.

00:06:29Oh, yeah.

00:06:29That's like his thing.

00:06:33But it's interesting to see, like, just kind of demeanors

00:06:39and like seeing people change, like as they come down

00:06:42through a room and strip, you know,

00:06:47like seeing how people kind of come alive in those situations.

00:06:52Did you want to do this interview in acting?

00:06:55No.

00:06:56Um, I'm really like, I'm, you know, I mean, if you want to,

00:07:02we can just, just hang out and talk.

00:07:05That's all up to you.

00:07:06I mean, if you want to, I'm more than like, I'm comfortable doing it.

00:07:10Yeah, let's go for it.

00:07:11Okay, all right.

00:07:14All right, now we're naked.

00:07:26Now we're naked.

00:07:27Have you ever done these like this before?

00:07:29Nope.

00:07:30You were the, I did, um, I did two on Tuesday and I've done three so far today.

00:07:37Um, and I've got one afterwards, um, and we've been in clothes for each of them.

00:07:44Is it awkward for you to be naked or?

00:07:47No, I mean, there's definitely like a tension right now that is different than the tension

00:07:52with the other ones.

00:07:53Like, what kind of tension do you think there's?

00:07:58Sorry, I keep staring.

00:08:00It's almost like I want to touch it.

00:08:03Just kind of like, yeah, I don't know how well he would take that if I'm like, can I touch it?

00:08:12That's all up to you.

00:08:13I think I'd feel uncomfortable.

00:08:15Um, but, yeah.

00:08:20Are you from Chicago?

00:08:21No, originally from Alabama.

00:08:23What part of Alabama?

00:08:24Small little town in the southeast corner.

00:08:27That's a part of Alabama I do not know.

00:08:29I grew up in Atlanta.

00:08:30Oh, okay.

00:08:31It's like, it's a 15-hour drive.

00:08:33I do that if I take the dog.

00:08:34You have a dog?

00:08:35Mm-hmm.

00:08:36What kind of dog do you have?

00:08:37English Bull Boston Terrier mix.

00:08:38Whoa, that sounds great.

00:08:40Yeah.

00:08:41I love dogs.

00:08:42Oh, he's a big goofball.

00:08:43What's his name?

00:08:44Uh, fat boy.

00:08:45And he's still got his tail so it's out there and wags.

00:08:47Oh, he's got like a full tail?

00:08:48Yeah.

00:08:49Oh, that's nice.

00:08:50Eh, let him keep his tail.

00:08:51That's why I haven't even neutered him.

00:08:52He's five and a half.

00:08:54Okay.

00:08:55Does that cause any problems?

00:08:56Really?

00:08:57He's a little bit more aggressive than normal.

00:08:59Okay.

00:09:00Nah.

00:09:03What part of town do you live in?

00:09:05Rogers Park.

00:09:06Okay.

00:09:07What about you?

00:09:08Uh, in the West Loop.

00:09:09It's like a 20-minute walk.

00:09:11I just have a sublet, like a small sublet that's close, not far.

00:09:14Right.

00:09:15Um, so, well, um, you don't have to get dressed again, but you might feel a little bit uncomfortable

00:09:23going out.

00:09:24Yeah.

00:09:25Yeah.

00:09:26I've got someone coming in at nine.

00:09:40Uh-huh.

00:09:41Could I have you sit right here?

00:09:42Uh-huh.

00:09:43Um, and you're taller than the last guy you came in, so I'm gonna, let's see.

00:09:59Uh-huh.

00:10:00I mean, I think it's actually, no, that actually works.

00:10:02Yeah.

00:10:03Six, four.

00:10:04Do you have anything you're itching to ask, itching to say?

00:10:22You don't necessarily have to say anything.

00:10:23You should be able to, like, well, that's why we have the hanky code in the leather

00:10:26community.

00:10:27Oh, I'm not familiar with this.

00:10:28Okay.

00:10:29That's like a whole other conversation, but I can totally teach you all about the hanky

00:10:32code, too.

00:10:33There's like a big leather convention in Chicago?

00:10:35Yeah, you missed it.

00:10:36It was IML.

00:10:37I stayed with four of the pups, which are men who wear dog masks with tails, usually as dildos

00:10:43and tails.

00:10:44So it's a dildo that gets a tail, and they kind of walk around on chains often.

00:10:47Do they speak if they're pups?

00:10:49The pups, yes and no.

00:10:50I mean, they roof a lot.

00:10:52Okay.

00:10:53Someone asked me, like, how could you ever be a pup?

00:10:55I said, well, like, I'm not a pup, but, like, the idea that you maybe would never have to

00:11:00make a decision for yourself is maybe sort of refreshing.

00:11:04Yeah, like, you'd never have to make a decision.

00:11:07Like, I need to go pee.

00:11:10Okay, go pee.

00:11:11Or, like, I'm hungry.

00:11:12Okay, there's food.

00:11:13Like, everything is done for you.

00:11:16You know?

00:11:17And it's like, that's sort of, like, euphoric and sounds like really like, oh, you're just

00:11:20a lazy bastard.

00:11:21But no, like, think about that.

00:11:22You're taking care of it.

00:11:23You know what I mean?

00:11:24Like, you're taking care of it.

00:11:25Yeah, I can see that.

00:11:26It's sort of amazing.

00:11:29For the longest, I've been into scruffy white guys.

00:11:32So, you know, my scruff is just my scruff.

00:11:34It always, it has, like, a really adorable sort of, like, SAI student getting his MFA,

00:11:41just moved here, be different than the guy beside you, I'm cerebral and smiley, like all

00:11:45of these things, right?

00:11:47But you know, I have, like, a shirtless photo with a really goofy-ass hat on, and, like,

00:11:52I have my thumbs up, and, like, it's great.

00:11:54But, like, it didn't stop statements, like, come rape me, or I'd like you to come over,

00:12:01but you might scare the kids, or, like, give me that nigga dick now from white people.

00:12:07And so, like, I had changed my profile for a while to say something like, hey, white men,

00:12:10please stop asking me to rape you and stop offering money to sleep with you, and the comments

00:12:15stopped.

00:12:16People are like, oh, yeah, I know it's bad, and then they, like, they see it, and they're

00:12:19like, oh, it's horrible, right?

00:12:21But then what do you do?

00:12:22I mean, as an artist, I can't, I really can't just be like, okay, they said this to me,

00:12:26I'm going to blow them up and put them in a gallery.

00:12:27Like, you have to make work about it.

00:12:29You still have to fix it for yourself, too.

00:12:31Like, there's ways, I think, as an artist, you have to sort of, like, come to a space where

00:12:35you can make work about something so tense to you.

00:12:38I would like to make a film based on this conversation.

00:12:43It's a fiction that I'll write based on a transcript, and I'll contact you soon about when to shoot

00:12:51that if you're willing to participate.

00:12:53You don't have to.

00:12:54Okay, sure.

00:12:54Okay.

00:12:56All right.

00:12:57You're welcome.

00:12:58Oh, I don't know how to turn this thing off.

00:13:04Man, I wish I knew how to use this.

00:13:07Right here.

00:13:08So I just stopped recording, and then to turn it off, it's, do you care about learning,

00:13:12or?

00:13:13No, teach.

00:13:13Uh, so it's this toggle, and you just switch it to the middle.

00:13:17I think you should have fun with this project.

00:13:20Don't try to define it.

00:13:21Let it define yourself.

00:13:22Don't let it define itself?

00:13:24No, let it define itself.

00:13:25Oh, okay.

00:13:25Don't try to define it.

00:13:43Could you put that, I guess, just, like, on the inside, like, right here, um, and just

00:14:06string it through wherever it's, like, convenient for you?

00:14:08Yeah.

00:14:09When was the last time you came?

00:14:11This morning.

00:14:13You want me to come?

00:14:19If that happens, it would be worth it to stay together.

00:14:23Is that the line?

00:14:24Okay.

00:14:24If that happens, it's worth it to stay together.

00:14:27Okay.

00:14:28All right.

00:14:29One more time?

00:14:35Do you want closer than that?

00:14:36Let's do one like that.

00:14:39Do you want me to move up and down as well?

00:14:42No.

00:14:43Chest faces?

00:14:43Yep.

00:14:44Okay.

00:14:44All right.

00:14:45What's the last time you came?

00:14:48I think Saturday.

00:14:48It's been a lot longer than Saturday for me.

00:14:49What?

00:14:50It's been a lot longer than Saturday for me.

00:15:01You want to get naked?

00:15:03You want to get naked?

00:15:04I think it's a lot longer than Saturday for me.

00:15:05I think it's a lot longer than Saturday for me.

00:15:10I think it's a lot longer than Saturday for me.

00:15:11It's been a lot longer than Saturday for me.

00:15:12It's been a lot longer than Saturday for me.

00:15:14It's been a lot longer than Saturday for me.

00:15:15You want to get naked?

00:15:16I think it's a lot longer than Saturday for me.

00:15:17I think it's a lot longer than Saturday for me.

00:15:19You want to get naked?

00:15:49You want to get naked?

00:15:59You want to get naked?

00:16:05You want to get naked?

00:16:11You want that?

00:16:27I'm sort of scared.

00:16:29Why?

00:16:32I don't know.

00:16:41You want me to do anything else?

00:16:57No.

00:16:58I'm going to suck it.

00:17:01I think I'm done.

00:17:02Yeah.

00:17:06Finish this beard.

00:17:11Are you going to have yourself be in all your films?

00:17:17I don't know.

00:17:18Oh, okay.

00:17:19Just wondering.

00:17:20It seems, I wouldn't say odd.

00:17:24It is unusual.

00:17:27And part of it is, even as an artist, I am fairly prided.

00:17:33Yeah.

00:17:34I would hate for anyone to see me in a film like that.

00:17:38But I think, I think you can also consider, like, I am an actor.

00:17:49That what?

00:17:50Yeah, but I also think the minute you are there and using your name, everybody's going

00:18:01to read everything as autobiographical.

00:18:03Because people do that anyway.

00:18:05Even if you had a different character and had an actor and named the person Bob.

00:18:11I think you are looking for ways of backing out.

00:18:14I was not backing out because I was never again.

00:18:18I don't know if you understand how absolutely skin-crawly the whole thing makes me feel.

00:18:38Anyway, just regardless of what we talk about, I do enjoy talking to you.

00:18:45I love, I love you, Mom.

00:18:49Also, now I feel suspicious every time you say it.

00:18:54You're just saying that to try to get on my good side and be personable.

00:19:01But I do love you.

00:19:04I love you, Mom.

00:19:06Okay, bye-bye.

00:19:07Bye.

00:19:08Bye-bye.

00:19:09Talk to you soon.

00:19:10Bye.

00:19:11It was just hilarious because it was like 60-40 this time.

00:19:30What do you do?

00:19:37I'm an artist.

00:19:38What kind of artist?

00:19:40A visual artist.

00:19:42Are you being evasive?

00:19:44You think so?

00:19:45I don't know.

00:19:46Why?

00:19:46You're giving me these almost monosyllabic answers.

00:19:50Alright, what do you want to know?

00:19:52What kind of artist are you?

00:19:54I'm an artist.

00:19:56I make artwork.

00:19:57Whoa, that face.

00:19:59I make photography.

00:20:00You're going to tell me what your art's about?

00:20:08My art deals with visibility.

00:20:14Visibility of what?

00:20:17People.

00:20:20All people?

00:20:23Very specific types of people.

00:20:27Alright.

00:20:28Alright.

00:20:28I think it's all people.

00:20:32Really.

00:20:32But specifically the way certain types of people are seen.

00:20:36Or certain types of people have the right to see.

00:20:40Who's texting?

00:20:41Who's texting?

00:20:42Uh...

00:20:43Some dude.

00:20:47Yeah?

00:20:55I'd like to see your photos.

00:20:58Maybe I'll take you to my place sometime.

00:21:00No.

00:21:01Okay.

00:21:09Not bad?

00:21:10You get out of this.

00:21:17Could you get undressed for me?

00:21:20Boxers too.

00:21:20Stop. Bow your head first. Down. Perfect. Can you get it wrecked?

00:21:49I don't think I can get hard. Maybe a different pose will help.

00:22:06Okay. Put these on. Stop.

00:22:18Keep going. Stop.

00:22:31What do you think you'll gain by not listening?

00:22:44Do you think I'm not listening?

00:22:46You kept going. I said stop. So there must be a miscommunication.

00:23:03You look great. Okay. Try again.

00:23:20I don't think I can get hard. I'm done shooting. I'm sorry. It doesn't really matter anyway.

00:23:42You're leaving. You're leaving.

00:23:46You're leaving.

00:24:01Where are you going?

00:24:20Does it matter?

00:24:24Why are you...

00:24:24I'm going to go get some coffee.

00:24:54We had dinner with your ex in the spring.

00:25:25You went to the bathroom and he asked how we'd met.

00:25:30Online, I answered.

00:25:33He leaned in and said that you were an inveterate flirt.

00:25:36You were unreliable, lascivious, unfaithful.

00:25:40You'd fuck anything that moved.

00:25:43You'd never change.

00:25:44I believed that you could, that you would, for me.

00:25:50You came back and picked up the check.

00:25:57We kissed your ex goodbye on the cheek.

00:26:00But I couldn't look him in the eye.

00:26:01Later that night, I told you I loved you.

00:26:09I didn't know how you'd react.

00:26:10I sort of mumbled it.

00:26:11You looked uncomfortable.

00:26:16I felt ashamed.

00:26:18And we fell asleep.

00:26:19In the middle of the night, we had sex.

00:26:25Fast.

00:26:27You didn't look me in the eyes.

00:26:30Restrained my hands.

00:26:32Turned my body away from you.

00:26:33I felt your affection again when we fell back asleep.

00:26:41Your heart beating under my ear.

00:26:43I tried to match our breathing.

00:26:45But yours was too fast.

00:26:46Who's the island or a sweet water?

00:26:56Uh, we can drink whatever.

00:26:58I don't care.

00:26:59Alright.

00:27:02I can chug beer, but I can't chug wine.

00:27:06Tried that once.

00:27:08Not a good ending.

00:27:10Yeah.

00:27:16And you're out in the most interesting thing that this.

00:27:28And this was the shirt.

00:27:30The shirt that came home from a rocking.

00:27:34One, two, three.

00:27:44Someone's been in the Navy.

00:27:45The two pictures I have in there.

00:27:48That's pictures of my classes that I taught at.

00:27:51The first class.

00:27:54The one where we're all wearing the blue.

00:27:56They're prior students.

00:27:58Doing both mounted and mounted patrols.

00:28:03And when you were in Iraq, you were in Korma?

00:28:07Yeah.

00:28:07Are you going to be mad if, like, we don't?

00:28:16No.

00:28:18Okay.

00:28:19No.

00:28:21Just in case.

00:28:22This reciprocated never comes.

00:28:27Why?

00:28:30Would you sing for me?

00:28:37You're going to get naked for me?

00:28:39The only word from the moment that we had

00:28:47So way down in my mind where you belong

00:28:52I'd go hungry, I'd go blind for you

00:28:59I'd go crawling down the avenue

00:29:05Make you happy, make your dreams come true

00:29:12To make you feel my love

00:29:20Well, and I would also say that unless it's an ironic title

00:29:35I don't think it has anything to do about love

00:29:38What do you think it has to do with?

00:29:39Um

00:29:43Just a series of encounters that don't seem to have much meaning

00:29:57Which I think you could say is part of the way that I'm looking at love

00:30:03Well, I don't think that's love

00:30:06I mean, it's so sad, it almost makes me cry

00:30:09It's like you don't want to know details about your parents' sexual life

00:30:15And you don't want to know details about your children's sexual life

00:30:19But I would go even further

00:30:23Basically, I don't really want to know details of anybody's sexual life

00:30:28I consider it kind of the least interesting part of anybody's life

00:30:31By my life

00:30:37Or maybe it's an kitchen

00:30:39That says, Teddy, if you pick me up

00:30:40If you try to enjoy things about your children'sHey

00:30:44Like you see, the children's like

00:30:45What are characters?

00:30:45Why would it be the、、 here?

00:30:46Why would they be the children?

00:30:47I don't know

00:30:49If you don't want to know

00:30:49Toarten

00:30:50That was 2 years

00:30:51Maybe

00:30:52My child was a young child

00:30:53And a mom

00:30:54My child's like

00:30:56Thisgged

00:30:56The baby

00:30:57Is

00:30:58We're going to go out and go out and see the cutters.

00:31:03This is the one we're going to do and then we're going to go out and see the cutters.

00:31:10Okay.

00:31:11Here we go.

00:31:14Here we go.

00:31:17Here we go.

00:31:20Here we go.

00:31:53You woke me up.

00:31:55Did you wake him up then, boy?

00:31:57Oh, yes.

00:31:59Uh-oh.

00:32:01Yeah, let's put him up while we eat.

00:32:03Cause if not, he won't leave us alone.

00:32:05Ain't that like, Sam and Joe is still a little puppy?

00:32:09I guess I am.

00:32:23How'd you sleep last night?

00:32:25Pretty well.

00:32:35I knew you lied to me.

00:32:37What?

00:32:49Are you dating someone this time?

00:32:55Yeah, because you were dating someone, right?

00:32:57You guys were like in a semi-pseudo relationship or something?

00:32:59Yeah.

00:33:01It's complicated cause we're very rarely in the same place.

00:33:05He's in Mexico City.

00:33:07Are you in a relationship?

00:33:09Mm-mm.

00:33:10Nah.

00:33:11I was, then it ended.

00:33:13It was a week before I'd leave for Chicago.

00:33:17You were downstairs making breakfast.

00:33:19It was a week before I'd leave for Chicago.

00:33:23You were downstairs making breakfast, a Sunday morning.

00:33:44you were downstairs making breakfast a Sunday morning your phone was on the

00:33:53counter and it was still buzzing when I got out of the shower I picked it up and

00:34:00saw dozens of messages from someone begging to have sex with you again you'd

00:34:06been texting at dinner the night before with fire in your eyes you hadn't looked

00:34:13at me like that in a while and it hurt to remember when it had been for me I came

00:34:24downstairs in my underwear and gave you your phone you said it had just been a

00:34:30fling you could barely remember him you'd just been playing around there was no

00:34:36emotion in it your throat had tightened and your voice was soft you were kinder

00:34:47than I'd ever seen you

00:34:51you said you'd ended your last relationship because your ex had been

00:34:55cheating on you a week later you told me you cheated on your ex before that for

00:35:02about a year that's when I started seeing other men

00:35:07you

00:35:10you

00:35:12you

00:35:14you

00:35:18you

00:35:22you

00:35:24you

00:35:28you

00:35:30and so our agreement is I don't bring anybody back to the house and I don't take away time

00:35:44when my husband is home because he's gone from Monday to Thursday so I don't fuck around on

00:35:49Friday to Sunday so but there are times it would be nice to have a friend and so my friend with

00:36:00benefits is also a good thing sometimes though that's something I'm still happy to work out in

00:36:04my head okay if we're friends and we're fucking how is that not an affair the way I was thinking

00:36:13about it if the intention and intention I think does matter if the intention is we're just going

00:36:20to be friends who once in a while suck each other's dicks that's fine

00:36:24it was a surprise seeing you the first time

00:36:30where'd it go is that a good thing or a bad thing I'm not sure that's a good or bad thing

00:36:38you were the first guy who came in to whom I was attracted sexually let the suck the dick

00:36:44I need the other I'm sorry

00:36:47we can be friends who once in a while suck each other yeah I know what it is

00:36:57okay

00:36:59okay again I need to look at you two as I say this and get over the embarrassment of saying it

00:37:07with straight boys in the room okay we're just going to be friends I can't say in front of them

00:37:13we're just going to be friends who once in a while suck each other's dicks

00:37:16okay we're just going to be friends who once in a while suck each other's dicks

00:37:22you were the first guy who came in to whom I was attracted sexually

00:37:40and I thought well so there was a mutual attraction I'm a little confused and it felt the same a long time

00:37:51I mean a long time I miss your age long time so it's been a while

00:37:58I mean I love my husband a lot and we have a great life together and so what I'm feeling for you

00:38:05I don't know that I want to have sex with you but I do want to know you

00:38:10does that make sense?

00:38:14yeah I mean it's it's it's mute

00:38:17I bet you I do want to have sex with you

00:38:20I don't know

00:38:28I don't know

00:38:29I don't know

00:38:34What we're doing here, well, what I'm doing here is such a betrayal.

00:39:04So how often do you come out here?

00:39:13I try to get it at least once a month, sometimes twice.

00:39:19I'm trying to get it ready to sell, that's why I'm painting the outside, although it needed

00:39:23it regardless.

00:39:25And yeah, so just trying to get it sold, get rid of it.

00:39:32What made you want to come out here with me?

00:40:01What made you want to come out here with me?

00:40:08What made you want to come out here with me?

00:40:14Do you ever let your beard grow out?

00:40:21Yes.

00:40:22But last time I did there was a lot of gray in it.

00:40:28Do you ever let your beard grow out?

00:40:35Some people say, but last time I did there was a lot of gray in it.

00:41:16You haven't texted in weeks.

00:41:24I call you and explain what I've been doing in Chicago.

00:41:29I chatted online with 900 men, met 12 in person, and I'm filming with a few of them.

00:41:39Some of them want to have sex with me.

00:41:42I thought it'd feel good to be able to give them what they want.

00:41:46But I still can't sleep.

00:41:48I'm not eating.

00:41:49I don't feel right about what I'm doing.

00:41:53I stop talking.

00:41:58You seem distracted.

00:41:59It looks like you're answering emails.

00:42:03You keep typing.

00:42:08You tell me I'm crazy and laugh.

00:42:12I want your attention.

00:42:13I want you to tell me to stop.

00:42:18So, uh, my husband, he'll be back in a few minutes.

00:42:37Do I need to leave?

00:42:38Not in the apartment.

00:42:50Okay.

00:42:51For you.

00:42:56Oh.

00:43:00For you.

00:43:02For you.

00:43:04To be honest,

00:43:08but to be really bluntly honest,

00:43:10this is kind of just, like, completely narcissistic, you know.

00:43:15And these are the guys I went out with,

00:43:17and aren't I special?

00:43:20You know,

00:43:20because in the film,

00:43:21you're a monster.

00:43:22Really.

00:43:25There's a real sense of you using people

00:43:28when you make films.

00:43:29Why not just write a script

00:43:31and hire actors?

00:43:33That's not a real normal thing to do in life.

00:43:37It's like,

00:43:37my personal life is of great interest to me,

00:43:40so it must be of great interest to everybody else,

00:43:43so here it is.

00:43:44It's almost like a comedy.

00:43:46For me,

00:43:46it is a comedy.

00:43:48Huh?

00:43:49It is a comedy.

00:43:51Yeah,

00:43:52I'm not sure people will get it.

00:43:54So,

00:43:55you remember Miranda.

00:43:57Yeah.

00:43:58So,

00:43:58Miranda had an uncle

00:43:59who,

00:44:02I think,

00:44:05I think he,

00:44:06he died of AIDS

00:44:07just before she was born,

00:44:08and he was going to be her godfather.

00:44:10And he gave her a stuffed animal,

00:44:15I think,

00:44:16and wrote her a letter

00:44:17basically saying that he,

00:44:23he loved her without knowing her

00:44:25before she was born.

00:44:29And

00:44:30I think there's something of,

00:44:34of that

00:44:35when

00:44:37you kind of blindly

00:44:39want to put together something

00:44:45that can be meaningful for people

00:44:47that you don't know.

00:44:49You're supremely aware of, like,

00:44:51what image making is.

00:44:53Yeah.

00:44:53and, like,

00:44:55how it can be

00:44:56a betrayal,

00:44:59but how it can also be

00:45:01a gift.

00:45:13A gift to whom?

00:45:14I wanted to say

00:45:19that I'm sorry.

00:45:25I was, like,

00:45:26not performative

00:45:27sexually.

00:45:29Um,

00:45:30I think I wish I,

00:45:31I really wish

00:45:32that I had been into it.

00:45:33Um,

00:45:34because I really like you,

00:45:35and I wish

00:45:35there was a possibility

00:45:36of something on my end.

00:45:37I think there was something

00:45:38fucked up about me

00:45:39that, like,

00:45:39prevented that from happening.

00:45:41Who do you think it was?

00:45:42I think it's something,

00:45:52I think it's because

00:45:52you're young.

00:45:54And I think I'm,

00:45:55I'm intimidated by people

00:45:56who are

00:45:57my age,

00:45:58sexually.

00:45:59Not, like,

00:46:00in terms of friendship,

00:46:01but.

00:46:02Interesting.

00:46:03Um,

00:46:07and, like,

00:46:08as much as I want that,

00:46:10it,

00:46:10my body's not doing that.

00:46:14Okay.

00:46:15So if you thought about that,

00:46:16that's kind of interesting,

00:46:17why you'd be

00:46:18intimidated by someone

00:46:19who's more your age

00:46:20and someone

00:46:21who is less your age.

00:46:25Or,

00:46:25more than your age.

00:46:30It's okay.

00:46:31I mean,

00:46:31this guy's in for a good night.

00:46:32I sleep older, too.

00:46:33So,

00:46:33it's,

00:46:34it's,

00:46:35it's,

00:46:36it's,

00:46:37it's,

00:46:38it's,

00:46:39it's,

00:46:40well,

00:46:40there's someone here

00:46:41I don't know.

00:46:41I'd love to hear

00:46:42why you're attracted to him

00:46:43as well.

00:46:46You're thinking too long.

00:46:47Am I thinking too long?

00:46:48Yeah, you are.

00:46:49Okay.

00:46:50Um,

00:46:50one of the things you said

00:46:54to me when we first met

00:46:54was,

00:46:55uh,

00:46:55I try not to have

00:46:56expectations.

00:46:57I have granola in my hair.

00:46:59Um,

00:47:00I try not to have

00:47:00any expectations

00:47:01because expectations

00:47:02create frustration

00:47:03and lead to disappointment.

00:47:05Um,

00:47:05which struck me

00:47:06as like incredibly wise

00:47:08and I was like,

00:47:08oh wow,

00:47:09like you're really wise

00:47:10and then you came out

00:47:12with like all

00:47:13of these expectations

00:47:13and I disappointed you

00:47:17and I'm confused

00:47:18about like what's

00:47:20between us now.

00:47:24What,

00:47:24what was it

00:47:25that you wanted?

00:47:26I wanted him.

00:47:28Um,

00:47:29and I think you

00:47:33being explicit about it

00:47:34made me not want it.

00:47:38And maybe that was fair.

00:47:40I mean,

00:47:40you know,

00:47:41just because I want it

00:47:42doesn't mean you want it.

00:47:44But then I'm still curious

00:47:45why you give a shit now.

00:47:46Why you want to work

00:47:47this out now.

00:47:48If you didn't want it,

00:47:49I didn't force it on you

00:47:51like you didn't force us

00:47:52to be here.

00:47:53Why do you want,

00:47:54what is this?

00:47:59I think part of the truth

00:48:03in his being obtuse

00:48:04is like the same thing

00:48:05that goes on

00:48:05in the artist's mind.

00:48:06That's like you make something

00:48:08and then you try

00:48:08to figure it out later.

00:48:12You,

00:48:13I think,

00:48:14like the idea

00:48:15of not having

00:48:17a script.

00:48:22You create scripts

00:48:23but you like

00:48:24not having a script.

00:48:25Because I think

00:48:25there is this

00:48:27artistic persona

00:48:30that I find

00:48:32bothersome

00:48:32that, you know,

00:48:34that's finding meaning

00:48:35after the fact.

00:48:38Well,

00:48:38there had to,

00:48:39there might be meaning

00:48:40after the fact

00:48:41but there had to be

00:48:42some impetus.

00:48:43We don't do things

00:48:44without impetus.

00:48:45that I think

00:48:58like this.

00:48:59I think

00:48:59has to be

00:49:01a little

00:49:02good point.

00:49:02Woosh!

00:49:03Woosh!

00:49:04Woosh!

00:49:05Woosh!

00:49:07Woosh!

00:49:09Woosh!

00:49:13Woosh!

00:49:14As soon as I'm alone again, you creep back into my thoughts.

00:49:36I ask you to visit me in Chicago.

00:49:39You come for a few days.

00:49:42Book us a hotel.

00:49:44I'm excited to see you again, but you're texting the whole time.

00:49:52We get to the room, though, and it all comes back.

00:49:57I can't control myself.

00:49:59I need you.

00:50:01I'll do anything for you.

00:50:07The morning you're flying back out, I wake up and I see you on your phone.

00:50:11You're making plans to see someone in Mexico City tonight after you land.

00:50:18I can't wait to taste you again.

00:50:25You go to shower and I read other messages you've written him.

00:50:28I can't stop thinking about you.

00:50:32Stay the night.

00:50:34I'll make you breakfast tomorrow.

00:50:36I copy your message thread and email it to myself.

00:50:45You kiss me, leave the hotel room, and fly back to Mexico.

00:50:51And I read your messages over and over, my face tightening so hard I can't cry.

00:51:38It's the boy you want to talk to him.

00:51:41It's the child you want to talk to him.

00:51:42Too busy to talk?

00:51:49No, no, no, not at all, huh?

00:51:51Oh, okay.

00:51:52Here she is.

00:51:54Thanks, Dad.

00:51:56Hola?

00:51:57Hey, Mom. How's it going?

00:52:00Okay, and you?

00:52:01I'm doing all right.

00:52:03It's hot.

00:52:05Do you remember the guy who is married?

00:52:09No.

00:52:10Okay, in the film.

00:52:12Not really, but it's a lot, yeah.

00:52:17Okay.

00:52:17Well, he sent me yesterday.

00:52:22Like, basically, anyway, there's something.

00:52:25He sent me this message yesterday that was really bizarre, but also maybe...

00:52:35It felt calculated.

00:52:39It was...

00:52:40I don't have time for your project anymore.

00:52:43Good luck and safe travels.

00:52:45I was only in it to fuck you again, and since that's not happening, my interest has dried up.

00:52:50I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I'm still thinking about it.

00:53:05Well, I guess it's only to be expected.

00:53:12We're trying to use real people.

00:53:14I mean, real people do unexpected things.

00:53:16I don't know.

00:53:28I don't know.

00:53:32I don't know.

00:53:33I know.

00:53:35Whether you're on camera, off camera, there's always a certain level of manipulation.

00:54:05In any type of relationship regardless, whether it be intentional, non-intentional, or just to protect.

00:54:16Because it's funny, it's like, I don't care if I get making friends, I don't care.

00:54:23It does not bother me one bit, but I won't put myself out there that much.

00:54:29Because, I mean, when you kind of throw it out there all on the table, sometimes people get burned, so to speak.

00:54:37I think there is something there between the two of us.

00:54:45Definitely sexual tension, along this day, from the moment.

00:54:50But I think there is some attraction between us.

00:54:55Where that attraction's at, I'm not sure if it's just curiosity for what it is.

00:55:00I think there is something more than just sex.

00:55:03Does that feel like it's key for you?

00:55:05No, not really.

00:55:07But, I mean, it's like the icing on the cake, so to speak.

00:55:11You know, if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen.

00:55:15You know, it's not going to be like, oh my God, don't ever talk to me ever again.

00:55:18But, if it does happen, more than, you know, more, you know, just more the merrier, so to speak.

00:55:27Hey, you've been here for what, about 30 minutes and we still both have our clothes on?

00:55:35It's a record.

00:55:40Hmm?

00:55:47Yeah.

00:55:48Hey, fat boy.

00:55:50Hey, fat boy.

00:55:51Oh.

00:55:52Oh.

00:55:54Oh.

00:55:55Yeah, boy.

00:55:58Mm.

00:55:59Mm.

00:56:01Ah.

00:56:04No.

00:56:05Fat boy.

00:56:08Ah.

00:56:10Ah.

00:56:12Ah.

00:56:16Ah.

00:56:16Oh, you see a little bit over there.

00:56:32Yeah.

00:56:33Then I've got one where I almost cut off my knuckle.

00:56:36Which knuckle was that?

00:56:38Oh, here also?

00:56:40Opening beer bottles, when I used to bartend.

00:56:44I fell directly on my chin, and it was cold, so I didn't notice.

00:56:50And either my parents or my friends or someone said, are you hurt?

00:56:57And I looked behind me, and I just left a stream of blood on the ice.

00:57:03Me and my brother, so we're fighting.

00:57:05He smacked me.

00:57:07I didn't actually need to spit this blood, been having money, so we just cleaned it out

00:57:11really well, and went from there.

00:57:14We were playing in the barn, and I slipped off the hay bale, and had a piece of wood

00:57:19and went in my leg.

00:57:20Oh, man.

00:57:21Yeah.

00:57:22Yeah.

00:57:23How'd you pull it out?

00:57:26We just pulled it out, and then my mom had to dig it out and actually cut it a little bit

00:57:30more to get all the wood out.

00:57:42So you're going back?

00:57:43No.

00:57:44I didn't know if you were...

00:57:46I'm leaving on Saturday.

00:58:03We're同じ.

00:58:08We're staying here.

00:58:10We're staying here.

00:58:15We're staying here.

00:58:16Yeah, I'm sure you see some of the weird parts in this scene.

00:58:30Well, actually that's part of the charm.

00:58:34I feel that.

00:58:36I get to see different parts.

00:58:38I don't know.

00:58:40I don't know.

00:58:43I'm not from Chicago.

00:58:44I don't know.

00:58:45I don't know.

00:58:46Basically, it's okay, north and west of the city, but right there on the border.

00:58:54Got you.

00:58:55Marlon Avenue.

00:58:56Okay.

00:58:57Okay.

00:58:58Yeah, I see you.

00:59:00Thanks.

00:59:01I'm not from Chicago.

00:59:02No, I'm not from Chicago.

00:59:03I'm not from Chicago.

00:59:04No, I see you.

00:59:05No, I'm not from Chicago.

00:59:06I see you.

00:59:07Oh

00:59:37Wait, Ale! Wait, Ale!

00:59:41Somebody tried to put it in me.

00:59:49It's like that quiet, intense, lurking.

00:59:57Somebody's over there behind you.

01:00:01Somebody's off in the shadows.

01:00:07It's interesting how hard it is to eat this.

01:00:11Mmm. Mmm.

01:00:15Mmm.

01:00:21Show me my turn.

01:00:23Show me my turn.

01:00:25I'm gonna go like finally to the sky.

01:00:27I'm trying to scream.

01:00:29No matter what he says to me.

01:00:31I'm trying to make me feel the one who will never die.

01:00:35Today's my birthday.

01:00:37I'm gonna go to the sky.

01:00:39You're a shooting star, I see.

01:00:41A vision of ecstasy.

01:00:43I'm gonna go to the sky.

01:00:45I saw my life inside.

01:00:49I'm gonna go to the sky.

01:00:51I'm gonna go to the sky.

01:00:53I've just boarded a plane to Paris where I'll be teaching in the fall.

01:01:09You text me.

01:01:15Ask me to spend New Year's with you.

01:01:19It's too late.

01:01:23I've already made plans to spend it with another man.

01:01:27A moment passes.

01:01:37You write me.

01:01:391877.

01:01:41I'm not seeing anyone.

01:01:45I'm crying.

01:01:471877.

01:01:51You write again.

01:01:53That's the number of attachments we've sent each other since I got a new phone.

01:01:571877.

01:01:59I just checked.

01:02:01You keep writing.

01:02:03Why did you talk to me every day?

01:02:05Why did we keep having sex?

01:02:07Why did you give me hope?

01:02:091877 attachments.

01:02:11I didn't feel the need to find someone else.

01:02:13I'm destroyed.

01:02:151877 staples I now have to tear off my heart.

01:02:17Our bodies are so good together.

01:02:19I can't imagine life without you.

01:02:21I can't imagine life without you.

01:02:22Call me.

01:02:23Please.

01:02:24I love you.

01:02:251877.

01:02:26I love you.

01:02:281877.

01:02:29I didn't feel the need to find someone else.

01:02:30I'm destroyed.

01:02:31I'm destroyed.

01:02:321877 staples I now have to tear off my heart.

01:02:34Our bodies are so good together.

01:02:36I can't imagine life without you.

01:02:39Call me.

01:02:40Please.

01:02:41I love you.

01:02:441877.

01:02:46I love you.

01:02:48If a person is unared,

01:02:49I've noticed a man has been noises and has theindung.

01:02:51So I accidently don't have a body.

01:02:53It's cause you're too tired and fibres to keep it around.

01:02:55I don't even let it amanite.

01:02:56I don't even know what I know.

01:02:57It keeps going in.

01:02:58It's not as bad as simple as I can be able to go about it.

01:02:59Be그 form your body from your body.

01:03:00When you looke in or tear a body of my body.

01:03:03All right.

01:03:04All right.

01:03:05Pyram, I'm freaked out.

01:03:06At all.

01:03:07877.

01:03:08Abyss.

01:03:09After seeing.

01:03:10suppliers three differents out and come przy요.

01:03:11About your nose.

01:03:12Thanks.

01:03:13Harmony.

01:03:14Don't need to know that all right.

01:03:45You're still typing when my flight takes off and I lose service.

01:04:07At one point recently, you said you would really like somebody that you formed a long-term relationship with

01:04:14and had somebody to live with, and that's not a thrill-a-minute proposition.

01:04:21The thrill-a-minute stuff, you kind of get out of your system when you're a teenager or, you know...

01:04:27In your 20s?

01:04:29Pardon?

01:04:30In your 20s.

01:04:32Well, yeah, you know, I think a lot of people don't get what they want because they're looking for something dramatic like in the movies.

01:04:42It's not an all-the-time thing that works constantly.

01:04:49And to be honest, one time when I left for a dad, I thought about it for a good three or four months, trying to decide whether to go back.

01:04:57And I finally decided, and the deciding factor was, that I like traveling with dad more than I like traveling with anybody else I've gone traveling with.

01:05:10I love that.

01:05:16We're compatible on the road.

01:05:18I mean, it's great.

01:05:20Yeah.

01:05:20You know?

01:05:23And to fill in her life.

01:05:25I want you to do whatever you have to do.

01:05:29Don't do anything because you want...

01:05:31want to please me or actually anybody else.

01:05:40Just think long and hard about what you're doing and what the consequences are going to be and will you be happy with them.

01:05:48I really appreciate you saying that, Mom.

01:05:53I know.

01:05:54I mean, it sort of crystallizes a lot of how you raised me and I'm grateful for that.

01:06:01Well, and, um, yeah, whatever.

01:06:27I fly to Mexico for work.

01:06:31I want to see you again.

01:06:36And you do, too.

01:06:40I'm exhausted but full of adrenaline.

01:06:44You open the door, tall and quiet.

01:06:49Gentle.

01:06:50You say it's a surprise seeing me.

01:06:58Your beard has grown out.

01:07:00You know I like that.

01:07:04We walk up the steps.

01:07:06You try to take one of my bags.

01:07:09But it's easier to let me carry it.

01:07:10Your house and your body.

01:07:18The same but different.

01:07:22A new clearing in the garden.

01:07:25An unfamiliar painting in your bedroom.

01:07:30You wear a white cardigan I've never seen before.

01:07:32You taste the same.

01:07:43We use your phone to film each other.

01:07:47And we make love better than ever before.

01:07:49You know my body.

01:07:59How it moves.

01:08:02What I like.

01:08:03Dislike.

01:08:05What I hate.

01:08:08What I love.

01:08:09You show me what you recorded.

01:08:22And I ask you to send it to me.

01:08:27Eighteen hundred and seventy-eight.

01:08:39You put my hair down before.

01:08:49And that's all.

01:08:54You have chosen a cicatron.

01:08:57And that's it.

01:08:59Three or four.

01:09:01fishing wreak.

01:09:02I'm doing a walk with you.

01:09:04I have chosen an love.

01:09:06I have chosen one.

01:09:07T'étais pas né

01:09:09A la station balnéaire

01:09:14Tu t'es pas fait prier

01:09:17J'étais camp de crin, j'ai zé

01:09:19Pour un peu je trempais

01:09:22Histoire d'eau

01:09:24La nuit je mens, je prends des trains à travers la plaine

01:09:33La nuit je mens, je m'enlève les mains

01:09:37J'ai dans les bottes et montagnes de questions

01:09:42Où subsiste encore ton égo ?

01:09:46Où subsiste encore ton égo ?

01:09:51J'ai fait la saison dans cette boîte crânienne

01:09:58Tes pensées, je les faisais miennes

01:10:03T'accaparer seulement, t'accaparer

01:10:07D'astrade en estrade, j'ai fait danser

01:10:13Tant de malentendus, des kilomètres de vie en rose

01:10:18Un jour au cirque, un autre à chercher à te plaire

01:10:23Dresseuse de l'eau, dynamiteuse d'acaduc

01:10:26La nuit je mens, je prends des trains à travers la plaine

01:10:33La nuit je mens, effrontément

01:10:37J'ai dans les bottes et montagnes de questions

01:10:43Où subsiste encore ton égo ?

01:10:48Où subsiste encore ton égo ?

01:10:53On m'a vue dans le vert corps, sautée à l'élastique

01:11:01Bôleuse d'enfants au fond des criques

01:11:06Sous-titrage Société Radio-Canada

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