00:00Jordan and I talked about divorce a lot over the last four years.
00:04There were moments I almost filed.
00:06There were moments I really felt like that was going to happen.
00:08But I have two kids and I was always just really scared.
00:11And Jordan also kind of made it clear that that wasn't an option.
00:14So I just always kind of felt like I was stuck.
00:17And I want to make it clear that I am not condoning what I did.
00:20Like I am not trying to give it a reason or an excuse.
00:23I shouldn't have done it.
00:25But looking back, I think it was a subconscious cry for help.
00:28Like if I do this thing, maybe I can get out of it.
00:31Like if I do something so intense and serious, maybe I'll have no choice and a divorce will happen.
00:36I didn't do it thinking that.
00:37But looking back, I think I felt like that was the only way I could get out of what I was in.
00:42I wouldn't say I was in love with him.
00:43It only lasted about two weeks.
00:45So it was quick.
00:47But I will say I confided in him a lot.
00:49The dynamic with Jordan and I that I had in my marriage, I hadn't really talked to anyone about it.
00:55But my family and friends had been aware because they'd seen things.
00:58But I tried to be like, everything's fine.
01:00So I actually did confide in Marciano about how Jordan treated me.
01:04So I did feel a connection to him in that sense because he was there for me.
01:09And he made me feel special.
01:11Like Jordan would put me down a lot.
01:13So Marciano told me how pretty and cool and fun I was.
01:15So I felt like there was a connection there because he was giving me something I was lacking.
01:19But I wouldn't say I was in love with him.
01:20Jordan found out.
01:22He went through my phone and not put an end to it.
01:25But it was a blessing in disguise because it needed to end.
01:28And I knew that.
01:29Like I did not want to carry this on for months or years.
01:31Like I didn't know how to get out of it.
01:33So it was good that it happened because it was able to like shut down quickly.
01:37I, in the moment, I was just like really apologetic because he found out in a traumatic way of like my phone.
01:43And so I just felt so bad that I was like, let's work on this.
01:46Like I'm so sorry.
01:48But then over time, the six months in between him finding out and the show starting to film and Layla finding out, that was really hard because there was a lot of tumultuous behavior.
01:59And in those six months, I thought about leaving him a lot.
02:03But I had this secret and I was like, if I leave him, this secret is going to come out.
02:07Like it was just, I was in such a hard place.
02:09Yeah.
02:09Watching the lie detector scene back, I wish I wasn't as friendly to him as I was.
02:14It was borderline flirty for sure.
02:17I was in a weird place because when my affair ended with him, it was cut off abruptly.
02:23And then I didn't see him again until that moment.
02:26So yes, like there were some, like, I guess, residual feelings, but also I was separated from Jordan.
02:31I was in a dark head space.
02:33I was trying to get to the bottom of everything too with the knee and I needed to be nice to him.
02:37So he would actually tell me the truth of how involved she was and what happened with her.
02:40So yeah, I was, I was a little too friendly, but at the same time, I was just trying to figure it all out, you know, but I actually haven't spoken to Marciano in over six months now.
02:50So, um, it's been a while.
02:52If you watch the show, I feel like the first couple episodes, Jordan and I really tried to just make it about the affair.
02:59We didn't talk about Jordan's behavior, but it became more and more obvious.
03:02Like when I was talking to the girls and they were asking specific questions and I broke down, it was almost like I had no choice but to share with them why I was in this head space.
03:10Cause it doesn't make sense why I had an affair unless I share the full story.
03:15And then you, you see me come home from, um, that trip and Jordan yells at me and that happened on camera.
03:21And at that point I was like, if you're willing to do this on camera, then we have to talk about it.
03:25If he hadn't have done that, I may not have shared it, but he kind of opened the door for it.
03:29We're back together. So we're, we're making, we're trying to make it work and we're just like taking it day by day to see if we can make those changes happen.
03:37They're getting better. I will say that this, um, coming out and us having a film about it has been like forced therapy.
03:43We had to talk about things. We were sleeping under the rug.
03:46We've been in therapy since all of this and that's helped a lot.
03:50There's things I needed to work on. There's things Jordan needed to work on.
03:53And we're both actively doing that.
03:55The thing with something like this is we have kids and it's difficult.
03:59So it's not a decision you can just make overnight.
04:02So we're both making steps to improve and like get better.
04:05But I feel like it's going to be a journey that takes time.
Be the first to comment