- 2 days ago
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00:00They Say
00:30There's a rat walking up his garden path now.
00:38I could stuff a mattress with your pubic hair.
00:47What do you do, pull it out with tweezers?
00:51He's stopped by the clothes prop, now he's turning round and walking back down again, bloody things.
00:58Just the same when I make the bed.
01:00It's like sleeping with a molting porcupine.
01:05Do you have to stand on top of the lavatory like Nelson's column?
01:09Why don't you use the toilet roll as a telescope and be done with it?
01:13And how do you know it's a he?
01:14Your eyesight isn't that good, I know.
01:17Hang on, he's coming out again.
01:19He's brought the shears with him to trim the honeysuckle.
01:21If he so much as snips one of my sweet peas off over that fence, I've got him.
01:27Mighty.
01:28Seven months of this I've put up with.
01:32What happened, happened.
01:34Why can't the two of you just let it rest instead of behaving as though you're both at infant school?
01:39I am not behaving as if I'm at infant school.
01:41In any case, he's started it.
01:50If a next-door neighbour mows down a hundred of your garden gnomes in cold blood with a machine gun,
01:54it's not something you quickly forget.
01:56Worse than a couple of feuding cowboys.
01:58I've seen you trying to train Mrs. Lacey's cat to be sick on his rockery.
02:05Who did?
02:07Demonstrating how to stick a paw down its throat.
02:11I've never known anyone be so petty.
02:14I was not.
02:15In any case, which of us keeps leaving those little yellow post-it notes in the back gate every five minutes?
02:20If we're talking about petty, what about these?
02:25None more too loud.
02:28Creosote splash found on lupins.
02:32For Christ's sake, put some oil in that wheelbarrow.
02:37I don't believe you've actually stuck those in a book.
02:40And don't forget this.
02:42Laying a tripwire so I'd fall flat on my face in his wet cement.
02:46Oh, for God's sake.
02:48I heard him laughing at me through the letterbox.
02:51Laughing and whispering,
02:52Got you, you bastard, under his chair.
02:57Tripwire.
02:58That's where he lined the edge of his path with twine.
03:03Talk about paranoid.
03:06And anyway, it serves you right for trying to take a shortcut across his grass.
03:10If you'd been looking where you were going instead of walking about with your nose stuck in that video magazine...
03:14He's lighting a bonfire.
03:18Quick, put some washing out, then I can leave him a bloody...
03:21Oh, there's a letter for them here.
03:32Somebody got the wrong number, evidently.
03:34Get that back here.
03:38For God's sake, Victor.
03:41I've had about enough of this.
03:42I have, straight.
03:43Look.
03:44You can take this round to him.
03:47It'll give you a chance to apologise to each other and bury the blasted hatchet.
03:50The pair of you.
03:52Otherwise, I'm leaving home.
03:54And I mean it.
03:54I'm not chasing around there like some private message boy.
03:58If he wants his mail, he can come and get it.
03:59There you are.
04:13You wanted evidence?
04:14There it is.
04:14One diseased marigold stalk covered in blackfly.
04:17Oh, Patrick.
04:19Smack in the middle of the flybender I found that.
04:21Not going to tell me it floated there.
04:24You always have to think the worst of people.
04:27I don't think there's any coincidence, do you,
04:28that these things have only started raining down on our garden since last Monday
04:31after the World in Action special on biological warfare?
04:36Look at the mess he quite willfully made of our front path
04:39after I spent three hours getting the bloody thing level.
04:43Are you OK?
04:45Has it come yet?
04:47Just more bills.
04:49It's academic anyway, as far as I'm concerned.
04:52Do you have to keep writing those things?
04:54The man is a cretin, dear, of the highest order.
04:56I knew it the first time we went round to see him.
04:59He made us a cup of tea and then virtually tried to force us at knife-point
05:02to get into his bed.
05:04Planet is wrong.
05:05Yes?
05:11Yes?
05:11Yes.
05:12This letter came through our door, but I, uh...
05:22Yes?
05:28This letter came through our door, but I, um...
05:34Oh, right. Thank you.
05:39Can I, um...
05:41Yes, Mr. Milker?
05:45You're going to fill this in, then, I...
05:48No, I thought about leaving it there like Hollywood Boulevard.
05:51The impressions of glittering neighbours' faces in the concrete, you know?
05:56Oh, well.
05:58It's nice to find you being so reasonable about it all, I must say.
06:02Reasonable, Mr. Meldra?
06:04I mean, what is reasonable these days?
06:06To find outside one's house, I don't know,
06:09a pile of horse manure covered in fairy lights?
06:12What's that supposed to mean?
06:21I think, by anyone's standards, it's not exactly Sleeping Beauty's castle, is it?
06:25How long has it been there now? 40 days and 40 nights?
06:28Three days and three nights, since you ask.
06:30Funny. Felt longer.
06:32And at least it's very clearly sign poetry, so people don't go accidentally sprawling headfirst into it.
06:39Oh, is that what they're there for?
06:41I thought it was some sort of jubilee celebration for the fertiliser industry.
06:45I don't understand here justifying my actions to you.
06:48Next time you can pick up your own mail.
06:50And another thing.
06:51If I find one more of those bloody stupid little yellow notes,
06:56I may not be responsible for my actions.
07:01Nice chatting with you, Mr. Meldra.
07:03Crap.
07:17The state of British television today can be summed up in two words.
07:20Jeremy Beedle.
07:24Oh, I'm ready for that ham and mushroom now.
07:27My belief, that Paul Daniels and Jeremy Beedle are in fact the same person.
07:32Like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
07:34You notice you never actually see them together.
07:36Which one's Mr. Hyde?
07:38Which one do you think?
07:41Just imagine the horror of it if they'd lost the antidote they'd have to send in the mob with burning torches.
07:47What the hell's this when it's at home?
07:51Sorry?
07:53Dressing?
07:54It's more like an environmental disaster.
07:57It never ceases to amaze me the things that people want to watch these days.
08:03When was it?
08:05Wednesday in the week.
08:06Thought I'd see that film about the Kray brothers kill a couple of hours.
08:10Good, was it?
08:12Yes, very good.
08:13If you enjoy seeing people's hands being skewered to the corner pocket of a billiard table.
08:17Very good in the area of people's eyes being gouged out.
08:20There I am sitting squirming in my seat there's this young bimble behind me cackling her head off.
08:28Why didn't you just leave the cinema?
08:30Leave the cinema?
08:32I was sitting here watching it on the video.
08:34Said her name was Cheryl she'd just called back for the cosmetics catalogue.
08:40Let herself in for the back door if you please and had been watching it over my shoulder.
08:44Said she'd a nerve to ask her to spool back to the bit where the bloke is his mouth sliced open with a sword.
08:51Said that was one of her favourite bits.
08:53And that's the mentality of the people who are trying to sell you pore cleansing fluid.
09:00What's that you're eating?
09:02Sorry?
09:04Since when do I have this monstrosity?
09:08Sardines and hot chillies with added pineapple.
09:19Well, sorry.
09:23God.
09:28It's like watching one of those crushers on the back of a dust cart.
09:35Talking of Jeremy Beagle,
09:38I had three more complaints about that horse manure when I was out today.
09:43Talk about getting up a petition about it in the post office.
09:47It's only a pile of horse manure. It's not going to bite anyway.
09:49Said if it's there much longer, they'll have to start putting it on the ordnance survey mat.
09:55No wonder you upset the neighbours.
10:00I don't understand why it had to come here in the first place.
10:04Why couldn't he deliver it to the allotment? It's only round the corner.
10:07They didn't speak very good English, unfortunately.
10:10It only really mastered four words.
10:12Horse manure and twenty quid.
10:17A bit more East European than anything else.
10:19No.
10:21I didn't like the look of them.
10:23Walking around dressed like Abraham Lincoln in gumboots.
10:26You buy horse manure from any old Tom, Dick or Harry, you don't know where it's been.
10:30You don't know where it's been.
10:35You don't know where it's been? You know exactly where it's been.
10:40Upper horse.
10:44Anyway, I'm taking you around at the allotment tomorrow afternoon as soon as I get back from the doctor
10:48so the nation can sleep easy in their beds again.
10:50Well, before you do, you'd better take Patrick's advice and oil the squeak on that for you, Barrow.
10:56Yes.
10:58Well, never need to worry about a squeaky salad.
11:00That's for sure.
11:11The poison kevel catholic barn is going to help you.
11:15Is it an emergency?
11:16Mrs. Wormis to Dr. Kneeburn.
11:19Mrs. Wormis.
11:21Friday at 10.20.
11:23Right. Thank you. Bye.
11:25One second, please.
11:27Watson kevel catholic and partners are going to help you.
11:29I'm afraid he died last week in his sleep.
11:32He did write to everyone.
11:34Is it an emergency?
11:36Oh, dear.
11:38Oh, well, if it's hanging off, I think you best go up.
11:40He'll be on the safe side.
11:42Kevin Spivey for Dr. Sassipansky.
11:44Kansky, Kevin Spivey.
11:45Yes.
11:46Right.
11:47You're welcome. Bye.
11:48Excuse me.
11:49Sorry, sir.
11:50Watson kevel catholic and partners.
11:51Can I help you?
11:53Mr. Scotty to the treatment room.
11:55Mr. Scotty.
11:56Mrs. Spatterson for Dr. Yip.
11:59Mrs. Spatterson.
12:00Right.
12:01Aha.
12:02Is it an emergency?
12:03Is it an emergency?
12:05Tomorrow at four?
12:06Okay.
12:07Lovely.
12:08Bye.
12:09Excuse me, please.
12:10Yes, sir.
12:11You're Mr.
12:12No, Drew.
12:13I just got your...
12:14Watson kevel catholic and partners are going to help you.
12:17I'm afraid Dr. Kevel catholic is on holiday this week.
12:20Is it an emergency?
12:22I've got a cancellation for Dr. Pondicherry at five.
12:26Yes, you do.
12:27The one that looks like Doberman in Sergeant Bilko.
12:31All right.
12:32If you'd rather then.
12:33Bye.
12:34Look, I've just come to pick up a prescription.
12:37Victor Neldrew from Dr. Snellgrove.
12:39Mr. Chandrasaker to Dr. Trilling.
12:41Mr. Chandrasaker and Sharon Chumley to the treatment room.
12:46Sharon Chumley.
12:47Dr. Snellgrove had to go to a wedding.
12:49I think we were passing most of her patients to Dr. Watson.
12:53Well, where's he gone?
12:54To look for the hand of the basket bills?
12:55Dr. Doolittle instead of Dr. Joseph Goebbels.
12:59Oh, yes.
13:00I've got to know for you.
13:01But I don't think he's actually done your prescription yet.
13:03I'll just check for you.
13:05Now, team, did that prescription come through at all?
13:09For Mr. Meldrew's hemorrhoid?
13:12She's just checking for you, sir.
13:14What's incredible.
13:15Perfect.
13:16Can I help you?
13:17Yes, he's standing right next to me, as a matter of fact.
13:24Somebody asking when you're going to shift a pile of manure.
13:28It's an emergency.
13:30Good morning, Mrs. Meldrew.
13:31Good morning.
13:32Good morning, Mrs. Meldrew.
13:36Good morning.
13:37Good morning.
13:38Good morning, Mrs. Meldrew.
13:39Good morning.
13:40Good morning, Mrs. Meldrew.
13:41Good morning.
13:42Good morning, Mrs. Meldrew.
13:43Good morning.
13:44Is it me, or is it moist?
13:46Morning, Mrs. Bolder.
13:58Is it me or is it moist?
14:03Oh, did a bit on the humid side today.
14:07Did you have a nice weekend?
14:08Lovely, thank you.
14:09Where did you go to in the end?
14:11To hospital.
14:12Yes, I'm afraid Granny took a turn for the worse,
14:15so I had to run Mother up there on a sudden mercy dash,
14:18which was a little fraught.
14:20Her wheelchair accidentally locked into high-speed reverse,
14:23and she went on a bit of a mystery tour of the Clement Attlee wing.
14:26It took us an hour and a half to find her again,
14:28and of course by then she'd already gatecrashed three hysterectomies,
14:31so it's a bit of a day all in all.
14:35So how is your grandmother now?
14:37Not giving any cause for concern or anything?
14:40Oh, no, no, no.
14:42Not now, she's dead.
14:45Well, she was 93,
14:46and they reckon it was a broken bone that finally did it.
14:50Oh, dear.
14:52Didn't know you could die of a broken bone.
14:54Well, you can when it's stuck in your windpipe, apparently.
14:57She's always a great one for gnawing on chicken carcasses,
15:01and just one of those things, I suppose.
15:04Funerals tomorrow.
15:05Don't think Mother's looking forward to it very much, are you, Mother?
15:08Mrs. Meldrew said she was very sorry to hear the tragic news.
15:14How's Mr. Meldrew?
15:15Getting on all right with this new allotment?
15:17Funnily enough, I always think about it when I pass his horse manure in the mornings.
15:21Oh, yes.
15:23Yeah, yes, he seems to be getting quite into it now,
15:26giving him a bit of interest in life at last.
15:28I'm sorry, Mrs. Meldrew, you'll have to excuse me,
15:32only I've got some potatoes on it.
15:34Oh, no, don't let them spoil.
15:36I'm very sorry about your grandmother, and...
15:39and I must dash.
15:41See you, Mrs. Meldrew.
15:44What have you been?
15:46Timber, too?
15:47Don't!
15:48An hour and a bloody quarter had away in that bloody place
15:51for a simple repeat prescription.
15:53I haven't had a chance to get to the chemist's.
15:55Do you think you can get it for me when you're out?
15:57But don't move that manure this afternoon
15:59that would be lynching me from a love post.
16:02Wonderful, isn't it?
16:03The health service has overstretched to breaking point.
16:05Three million unemployed.
16:07You'd think people would find better things to moan about.
16:11I've been trying to get here.
16:12LAUGHTER
16:13LAUGHTER
16:14LAUGHTER
16:32LAUGHTER
16:32PHONE RINGS
17:02Afternoon. Mr Meldrew, is it?
17:22Yes.
17:24I won't shake hands.
17:26Dr Mervyn Weill, I believe you're expecting me.
17:30Sorry?
17:30I just need to carry out a couple of tests, Mr Meldrew.
17:34You won't take a jiffy.
17:38What?
17:39In the middle of an allotment?
17:42You've got a couple of ticks, have you?
17:45I haven't, no.
17:46Look, they found my prescription in the end.
17:48It's fair to have a copy of Smashed Hits on the waiting room table.
17:52No, no, no, Mr Meldrew.
17:53I'm not that sort of doctor.
17:55I'm from the Borough Council.
17:57Health and Public Safety Department.
18:00I thought my office had already contacted you.
18:03Don't what?
18:05Nothing you need concern yourself about, Mr Meldrew.
18:08Nothing at all.
18:08Well, then, this is the manure here, is it?
18:18What are you doing?
18:20You bought this from a gentleman last week, I gather.
18:23Black beard, long black coat, bit of a foreign accent.
18:27Yes, what about it?
18:28What's the problem?
18:31For goodness sake, tell me, what's wrong with my horse manure?
18:36Don't be silly, Margaret.
18:38I was just doing a stock take on my vitamins.
18:41Patrick's a...
18:42So, er, no, it's very convenient.
18:47I just, er, thought I ought to make amends.
18:51Oh, you don't have to.
18:52Mine's as bad.
18:54They deserve each other.
18:55You'd think two fully grown men would be more tolerant, more forgiving.
19:00Would you?
19:01No.
19:02I suppose you wouldn't, really.
19:08You swear by all this, do you?
19:10Oh, that's Patrick's ginseng.
19:12He takes it to reverse the ageing process.
19:16Does it work?
19:17Well, in that he's acting like a five-year-old.
19:21Of course, he's always had a childish side to his nature.
19:25Except when he was a child, oddly enough.
19:29I don't know what to do about him and Victor.
19:31I mean, it's one thing to call someone a tosspot to their face.
19:36But when you go to the lengths of having it iced on the front of a Thornton's Easter egg,
19:41well, I think it's got beyond a joke.
19:44I mean, he did put a card in the post as well.
19:49No name or address on the envelope.
19:51Just the words, to that cretin and the cat.
19:55I suppose it helped him to let off steam at the time.
19:59Yes.
19:59The irony is, we received it.
20:04About the quickest a letter's ever got to us, I think.
20:07There we are.
20:08Get that down your neck.
20:09Soothe away all your troubles.
20:11Who?
20:13Chamomile, tilia, lemongrass and jasmine.
20:16Mind, it's a bit hot.
20:18I wonder if Victor could do with any of this to supplement his diet.
20:22What sort of things does he eat?
20:24Anything.
20:25Of any sort or description.
20:27In the most hideous and disgusting combinations.
20:32Food you wouldn't put in the same cupboard he will happily slice up together on his Weetabix.
20:37It's like watching non-stop junk mail going through a letterbox.
20:41I think he lost all sense of taste years ago.
20:44Stomach like a bin liner.
20:45This is nice.
20:48You get this at the health food shop.
20:50Two spoonfuls to calm you down.
20:51Three and you sleep like a top.
20:54Oh, God, you're well stocked up.
20:57Well, need all the vitamins I can get from now on, I'm afraid.
21:01Why's that?
21:03Pippa!
21:05Iron, zinc, magnesium.
21:07Patrick's got this vision of the doctor coming out saying,
21:10congratulations, it's metal Mickey.
21:11You must be thrilled.
21:17Congratulations.
21:18Well, I'm not sure thrilled is the word.
21:22It wasn't exactly planned.
21:24I know I'm supposed to be all glowing and maternal,
21:28but when you look round at the state of things,
21:31I don't think life is something I'd wish on my worst enemy.
21:34And you never know what you're bringing into the world.
21:39I mean, look at the people who started out as babies.
21:43Hitler.
21:45Dr. Crippin.
21:47Oh, you wait till it's born.
21:50It'll be a treasure.
21:52You just wonder these days what kind of a start that is in life,
21:55to be the child of a bus driver.
21:56I didn't think about packing it in.
22:00But then Patrick said he could always work more from home
22:03and look after it for me,
22:04the way his business has been going lately.
22:07You've just got your post-natal depression a bit early.
22:11It'll be the most wonderful thing that's ever happened.
22:13You won't want to stop.
22:15Well, we'll see, I suppose.
22:17Have some more tea.
22:19Oh, no, no, no, no.
22:28Nothing to worry about here, Mr. Meldo.
22:31You can rest assured of that.
22:33Will you stop telling me I have nothing to worry about?
22:35You're making me extremely worried.
22:37What's all this about?
22:39Ah, there's no danger of gamma rays or anything like that.
22:42You can put your mind at rest on that one.
22:45Gamma rays?
22:46Well, it makes you wonder how these cowboys
22:49get hold of the ruddy stuff in the first place, doesn't it?
22:52I don't know.
22:53Of course, the stables have all been closed down now,
22:56just for the time being.
22:58They're not certain the contamination levels were significant,
23:01but you can't be too careful
23:02when you're sitting right next door to a nuclear reactor plant, can you?
23:06This is just by way of being a precaution, really.
23:09Nuclear reactor plant?
23:11What contamination levels?
23:13Contamination levels of what?
23:14By rights, all of this manure
23:17should have been seized by the Minister of Agriculture.
23:20Not driven halfway across the country
23:21so any idiot could just buy the...
23:24What is it?
23:26Look at that.
23:27Where the hell did that come from?
23:29Looks like a piece of fairy light off a Christmas tree.
23:32What are you trying to tell me?
23:35Is it dangerous?
23:38Oh, no, no, no.
23:39You're talking a mere 4.3 micro micro curies.
23:44Have I?
23:44Oh, yes.
23:45Well below permitted levels.
23:47Well below permitted levels.
23:49Although still more than normal.
23:51Well, as I say,
23:54there's nothing you should concern yourself about here, Mr. Meldrum.
23:58Have a Mars bar.
24:02A Mars bar?
24:04What kind of advice is that?
24:05I'm standing here with an aloof
24:08being covered in radioactive horse shit
24:10and all you can say is have a Mars bar.
24:15What am I supposed to do now, for God's sake?
24:19Well, if I were you,
24:19I'd just forget all about it.
24:21Oh, would you?
24:22Yeah.
24:23I mean, it really isn't at all significant.
24:25It's just it's our duty to check up on these things.
24:27That's all.
24:28It's absolutely positive.
24:33It's safe.
24:35The radiation levels are absolutely minuscule, Mr. Meldrum.
24:39Look, you see this digital watch?
24:42Yes.
24:44I can get you one of these at half price if you're interested.
24:47But like a thing,
24:48I've got a mate who brings them in from the continent at cost.
24:50There's a ladies model, too, if your wife fancies one.
24:52Look, think about it.
24:53Give me a ring, all right?
24:55Well,
24:55bye then, Mr. Meldrum.
24:59Oh, for God's sake, stop worrying.
25:01You'll end up a complete nervous wreck.
25:03That's right.
25:06Stop worrying.
25:09I'm never going to buy anything
25:11from anyone who comes to the door ever again.
25:14Said that would happen, didn't I?
25:16What?
25:16If you cut your nails on a Sunday.
25:19Oh, yes.
25:20I distinctly remember you saying,
25:22watch out,
25:23someone's going to palm you off
25:24with a hundred of radioactive horse droppings
25:26from the Sayersville B-Riding Academy.
25:28I mean, it happens every day.
25:30Said you'd have bad luck.
25:33When do I have good luck?
25:35Anyway,
25:35you said there was nothing to worry about,
25:37so what are you worried about?
25:38What am I worried about?
25:40That the hairs are going to fall out of my gooseberries.
25:42I don't know what it can lead to, do you?
25:45I'd already fought in three wheelbarrow fools
25:48when he arrived.
25:50I just don't know why everything you do
25:52has to end up as a three-eyed bloody...
25:55What the bloody hell's this?
26:01That is my hair-styling mousse
26:03when you've quite finished.
26:08You'll be more clearly marked.
26:10You'll be more clearly marked in a minute.
26:12It was having a baby.
26:29It was.
26:29Why is that so strange?
26:33Oh, I didn't think she had room for one.
26:40What's that supposed to mean?
26:42Look, I mean,
26:43don't they use her spare bedroom as an office?
26:45She admitted it wasn't exactly planned.
26:50Seemed a bit down in the dumps about it at the moment.
26:53Oh, I'm sure that'll pass.
26:55Must be a bit of a worry
26:56when you stop to think about it.
26:58What you might be unleashing on the world.
27:01Oh, could grow up into anything.
27:02Could be one of the Kray brothers.
27:04A Jeremy Beedle.
27:10One more noise to worry about on a Sunday, I suppose.
27:13I suppose, sure.
27:14Well, that's me.
27:18You were an accident.
27:20Yes, I expect so.
27:22I brought you a glass of water up.
27:24Right, thanks.
27:31What did you say?
27:33Why?
27:34You said I was an accident.
27:37Oh, what about it?
27:38Who told you that?
27:40Your father told me at our wedding reception.
27:42You said you were a complete and total mistake.
27:45The result of a careless oversight
27:47on their first night in Skegness.
27:52There wasn't anything to me about that before.
27:55Oh, it's not the sort of thing you tell a child, is it?
27:58I don't think once you're born, you're born.
28:00Did you say I wasn't planned in any way?
28:02No.
28:03Apparently, you were a complete and total surprise.
28:06Your mum was hoping for a new gas cooker.
28:11Like everything else in life, I suppose.
28:13You make do in the end.
28:14I suppose, yes.
28:19Oh, I can't remember whether I locked the back door.
28:22Will you check?
28:25Yes, right.
28:26Victor?
28:48Victor?
28:50You haven't been...
28:52Oh, God, no!
29:00Right, I know.
29:01Thank you very much, Mrs. Neldrum.
29:04I'm...
29:04I see you, Patrick.
29:08Yes, I expect you will.
29:09Well, the saga continues.
29:21At least it's nice to know there's never a dull moment
29:23living next to all of those two.
29:24You on the moan again?
29:25Still looking on the positive side.
29:27That's that mystery cleared up.
29:28What is?
29:29The mystery of my missing ginseng capsules, remember?
29:31I was hunting high and low for them last night.
29:34Where were they?
29:35Mr. Meldrew had been sticking them up his bottom.
29:37Have you set your path?
29:44Yes.
29:45Apparently.
29:46If I looked in most places, I think it's fair to say
29:48I didn't dream of looking young.
29:51What are you talking about?
29:53I don't know why I'm so surprised, really.
29:54I mean, the man seems capable of virtually anything.
29:57But how did he get hold of them?
30:00Well, how he got hold of them is something
30:01I'd rather not contemplate, thank you.
30:03Came to summon the forefinger, presumably.
30:05Beyond that, the whole image is too horrific
30:07to even think about.
30:09Margaret was fiddling about with them on this table.
30:12They must have fallen in her bag.
30:13That's right.
30:14She said she'd been to the chemist
30:15to pick up a prescription.
30:17So he must have...
30:18Oh, dear.
30:21What are we supposed to do?
30:22Put a statutory notice
30:23on the side of every bottle of vitamin pills?
30:26Caution, this product should not be
30:27shoved up Victor Meldrew's rectum.
30:30You're not throwing the rest away.
30:32Somehow they've lost their appeal.
30:34I can't imagine why.
30:35I'll have a word with her.
30:36I was going round there anyway.
30:39Unbelievable.
30:41Unbelievable.
30:41Hello.
30:56Peppa, hello.
30:59I'm sorry.
31:01I'm afraid that didn't improve matters much, did it?
31:03Oh, don't worry about it.
31:05You're just off?
31:06In a minute or two.
31:07Got to earn a few more pennies.
31:09What's that?
31:10Well, I was down there first thing
31:12and remembering how much you liked it, so...
31:14Oh, Peppa, thanks so much.
31:17How much love you?
31:18Don't be daft.
31:19Remember, it's very relaxing last thing at night.
31:21It's very good if you suffer
31:22with a lot of tossing and turning in your sleep.
31:25Victor does the tossing and turning.
31:26I suffer.
31:28Like a whirling dervish,
31:30the way he wraps those sheets around himself.
31:32I'm lying there freezing to death
31:33and next to me there's this Egyptian mummy
31:35snoring his head off.
31:36Human corkscrew.
31:39Anyway, we'll certainly give it a try.
31:42How are you feeling today?
31:43Any better?
31:44Oh, mood comes and goes, you know.
31:47Oh, got to look lively myself.
31:48See you later, probably.
31:49OK.
31:50Thanks a lot, Peppa.
31:51Bye.
31:51Bye.
31:51Oh, Mr. Sweeney.
32:08Morning, Mrs. Mulder.
32:09Come in.
32:09How did it go?
32:12Oh, you're looking a bit peaky.
32:14Not to be wondered at, I suppose.
32:17Were there many there?
32:19Not really.
32:20Six of us counting the corpse.
32:22I wanted to thank you for the flowers.
32:24We were both deeply touched,
32:26mother especially.
32:27How is she?
32:29Well, she spent most of the service
32:30crying and blowing her nose.
32:32It was a bit like hearing
32:33Abide With Me being played on the tubo.
32:36And of course,
32:37she started getting her prickly heat,
32:38so I've just willed her back indoors,
32:40give her a chance to cool down a bit.
32:42Would you like a cup of tea?
32:44This is herbal.
32:45It's supposed to be very soothing.
32:47I won't, thanks.
32:47I've got Auntie Min on the back seat
32:48and she'll be itching to get back
32:50to her slug gun.
32:50Oh, right.
32:55I'm going to miss my bus.
32:56Well, are you going to the shop?
32:57I can drop you there.
32:58I'm going right past.
32:59Are you sure?
33:00That would save my life.
33:01I won't be tickled.
33:02I'll just get my purse.
33:03Morning, Mr. Mildrew.
33:21Morning, how are you?
33:23You all right?
33:25Just a worry of mother, I suppose.
33:28Always knocks you for six, doesn't it?
33:30Death in the family.
33:32Ooh.
33:33I don't know about this.
33:38When did this happen?
33:40Sorry?
33:41When did she die?
33:42Oh, on Sunday, half past six,
33:44up the hospital.
33:46I didn't know she'd been taken up there.
33:49Who?
33:52Your mother.
33:53Oh, yeah, yeah.
33:54Took her up in the afternoon.
33:55No sooner got her up there
33:56than we lost her.
33:58Didn't Mrs. Mildrew tell you?
33:59She didn't see anything, no.
34:02It's all been a pretty grueling experience.
34:04I've just got back with her
34:05from the crematorium, actually.
34:11Really?
34:14I was telling Mrs. Mildrew,
34:15she's still a bit on the hot side,
34:16unfortunately.
34:17Is she?
34:21Yes.
34:22Yes.
34:23Take a while to cool down, I expect.
34:26I expect, yes.
34:28I said I'd give your wife a lift in.
34:33It's on my way.
34:34You couldn't do me a favour while I'm gone
34:35and keep an eye on mother for me.
34:37I mean, it's just the thought
34:39of leaving her on her own.
34:41Do you know what I mean,
34:41if you don't mind?
34:42No.
34:47Don't wait.
34:48Come here, Mrs. Mildrew.
34:51I will see you later then
34:51and thanks very much.
34:53I appreciate it.
34:54Bye, Mr.
34:56Bye, then.
34:57Bye, then.
34:57Bye, then.
35:27Bye, then.
35:29Oh!
35:31Oh, God!
35:36Yes!
35:38What?
35:41No, I bloody well
35:42don't want to subscribe to witch!
35:44Hang on!
35:49Don't believe it!
35:57Don't, don't.
36:12Oh, God!
36:15Oh, God!
36:16Oh, God!
36:17Oh, God!
36:19I love you.
36:49Right, you'll remember to get those chops, won't you?
37:08Only Sarah's leaving due at lunchtime, so I don't suppose I'll get the chance.
37:12This is an interesting one, unless I'm very much mistaken.
37:15You know, he's just come out of the house and unravelled six toilet rolls into a cast-iron skillet.
37:20And he's scrunched them all up and set fire to them.
37:23Patrick, will you come away from that bloody window?
37:26Now he's sprinkling Missola cooking oil over them to make them burn.
37:29I can't believe this.
37:31He's mashing up all the ashes with the end of a rolling pin, like a mortar and pestle.
37:36Yes, I dare say he is.
37:39Where are the car keys?
37:42What do you mean, yes, I dare say he is?
37:45What's your remark is that?
37:47Oh, talk about being anally fixated.
37:49My God.
37:50You say he's normal.
37:52I never said he was normal.
37:53You're not telling me these are the actions of a sane human being.
37:56A man must be shot away to buggery, if you ask me.
37:58Did you hear me?
37:59You're getting the chops.
38:02Yes, I heard you.
38:04Right.
38:05I'll see you tonight, then.
38:12Mad as a bloody march-head.
38:15What if we get him certified on Bupa?
38:19Where have you been?
38:20Your meals nearly ready.
38:23I suddenly realised it was the last day to pay the video rental.
38:26It was a queue a mile long up there.
38:27I got all the way back to the car,
38:30found out she had tapped in the wrong amount.
38:32I had to go traipsing all the way back again.
38:36Where is it?
38:38Has he taken it?
38:39Has who taken what?
38:41Evidently.
38:43Can you imagine bringing something like that into someone else's house?
38:48I suppose you'll notice the difference.
38:50What are you rabbiting about?
38:51Do you want toasted buns with this, or use up the stale?
38:54Use up the stale would be fine for toast.
38:57Ah, do my ears deceive me,
39:00or is that the rumble of the Tuesday night paper shredder
39:03chattering into life?
39:04Ah, yes, here it comes.
39:10All the local news straight off the presses.
39:15I don't know why they don't just print it on confetti and be done with it.
39:22Where is it?
39:24Your problem's answered by Mimsy Berkovitz.
39:28Dear Mimsy,
39:31I wonder if I am unusual in only having one eyebrow.
39:36It stretches over both my eyes and the top of my nose,
39:39giving me the appearance of someone with a nine-inch caterpillar crawling across the face.
39:44I don't believe some of these.
39:49Look, listen to this one.
39:51Dear wife, with her wit's end,
39:54please stop worrying.
39:56I can assure you it is not possible to catch a venereal disease
39:59from underpants bought at a jumble sale.
40:01And give you rest now, all right?
40:08Yes, right.
40:13I don't believe it.
40:16Look at this.
40:18Give it what?
40:19Look at this headline.
40:21gardeners real at doomsday dung horror dozens of early gardeners were today
40:28being treated for shock after learning the quantities of radioactive horse
40:32manure had been dumped in an allotment close to the area where they work and
40:37although a local health official said the material had been declared perfectly
40:41safe a wave of panic has already set in amongst local allotment holders sparking
40:47fears of mutant parsnips and giant stampeding earthworms as depicted in the science fiction film
40:53tremors said 70 year old mr. Horace Tring of Khartoum Terrace this is Three Mile Island all over again
41:02meanwhile the spreader of the doomsday dung mr. Victor Meldrew 61 had this morning gone to
41:14ground gone to ground I've gone to gateway and was refusing to answer the door to reporters but
41:22neighbors close to his riverbank home confirmed that the manure the manure was outside Meldrew's
41:27house had been seen to emit a strange sinister glow in the dark
41:31you believe this they've blown the whole thing out of all bloody proportions what's that number I'm going to ring the editor now
41:38uh Mr. Meldrew what Ben Killick chairman of the allotments association I'm afraid you've seen to cause a bit of an upset among some of our members so I've been instructed to call round here to tell you that steps have been taken
41:45steps what's the risk look there's absolutely no risk involved everything's been declared totally safe a man came and checked it over took samples away for analysis
41:52yes sir I've been led to believe mr. Meldrew there's only one question I want to ask you and that is do you or do you not wish to keep that allotments?
41:57some of our members sir so i've been instructed to call round here to tell you that steps have
42:03been taken steps look there's absolutely no risk involved everything's been declared totally safe
42:11a man came and checked it over took samples away for analysis yes sir i've been led to believe
42:16mr meldrew there's only one question i want to ask you and that is do you or do you not wish to keep
42:22that a lot do you talk of course i want to keep it ah fair enough then otherwise you see we would
42:29have taken it up to the trip okay
42:52what's that be what you
42:59below your own environment if you want to but you're not going to pollute us
43:06mr meldrew god save us here we go look it wasn't my fault it was a bloody press that stirred all this
43:26of the stupid senile and it isn't to claw the bloody lot of encarted back here again will you wrap up
43:34patrick what is it i wondered if one of you could run me up to the hospital it's been a very bad bus
43:41crash it's all right love it's okay i feel worse than i look you mean you look worse than you feel
43:53no just one of those things car shot out in front of me from a side street i went straight in it wasn't
44:04your fault don't blame yourself maniac with bollocks and brains i could have plowed across the traffic and
44:13killed 50 people i don't know i didn't
44:20breath test was positive of course isn't it always where are people ever going to get it into their
44:28skulls you should be locked away for life there's simply no excuse no no i don't think you understand
44:36margaret my breath test was positive no just over three milligrams or something i mean i know i was
44:51fine but that's not the point of course you're quite right margaret no excuse at all lunchtime
45:00one of the office staff was leaving had three martinis pushed into my hand
45:07well i've paid for it now it's all right try not to keep thinking about it lost my license lost my job
45:20lost my baby
45:29lost my baby
45:37typical i suppose really should have ended up the same way as it began
45:44accidents will happen
45:46i wonder why they didn't put that in my birth certificate life by misadventure
45:58just though it summed it all up
46:02i've just been down to check the back door i found this stuck to the glass outside
46:06should i put it in the book what book
46:20how's the bedtime drink yes fine what is it
46:24it's a special herbal tea i forgot to call me at the health food shop
46:29said drink all that back and you'll have the best night's sleep ever
46:33good night then
46:48good night
46:53They say I might as well face the truth
47:18But I'm just too wrong in the truth
47:21I've started to deteriorate
47:25And now I've passed my own sell-by date
47:28Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
47:32I have to pop my teeth into tube
47:35And my old knees have started to knock
47:39I've just got too many miles on the clock
47:42So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly set in my ways
47:47It's true that my body has seen better days
47:50But give me off a chance and I can still misbehave
47:54One foot in the grave
47:56One foot in the grave
48:00One foot in the grave
48:03One foot in the grave
48:05One foot in the grave
48:07One foot in the grave
48:09One foot in the grave
48:10One foot in the grave
48:11One foot in the grave
48:11One foot in the grave
48:12One foot in the grave
48:13One foot in the grave
48:13One foot in the grave
48:14One foot in the grave
48:14One foot in the grave
48:15One foot in the grave
48:15One foot in the grave
48:15One foot in the grave
48:16One foot in the grave
48:17One foot in the grave
48:18One foot in the grave
48:18One foot in the grave
48:19One foot in the grave
48:20One foot in the grave
48:20One foot in the grave
48:21One foot in the grave
48:21One foot in the grave
48:22One foot in the grave
48:22One foot in the grave
48:23One foot in the grave
48:24One foot in the grave
48:25One foot in the grave
48:26One foot in the grave
48:27One foot in the grave
48:28One foot in the grave
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