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  • 2 days ago
Jack Me
Transcript
00:00:00Greasy burgers, chicken too, goes to you like shit through a goose.
00:00:05Jackass food that's hard to chew, but it goes to you like shit through a goose.
00:00:19America, home of the fat.
00:00:22We got the largest donuts, the largest hamburgers, the largest hot dogs, the largest knockers,
00:00:33and the largest, fattest, hungriest human beings on planet Earth.
00:00:37In fact, if you live in the U.S., you'll probably see more fat in your lifetime than a slaughterhouse floor.
00:00:44Congratulations, swine, and the hormones in the food are enough to make a toddler grow tits.
00:00:49We have way too many fast food joints in America.
00:00:54I mean, there's a park and puke on practically every corner.
00:00:58The vomit being served today is way out of control.
00:01:01Things used to be different.
00:01:02Home-cooked meals used to be an American pastime.
00:01:06It's much easier today to just hit up a Jack's Shack for dinner.
00:01:10But at what cost?
00:01:12Although my mom didn't cook that often,
00:01:14I still have many memories of her rattling the pots and pans in our kitchen.
00:01:18This is her, way back when.
00:01:21Sometimes, if she wasn't too hungover, she'd whip up some toast or a nice bowl of cereal.
00:01:27Oh, and here's a good picture of her in the kitchen,
00:01:30taken right after she gang-banged about a dozen Hell's Angels.
00:01:34Good one, Mom.
00:01:35In fact, most of my memories of her are in the kitchen.
00:01:38Probably because that's where she kept the booze.
00:01:41The only time we ate out was when one of Mama's boyfriends knocked over a liquor store
00:01:46or when she turned a trick down at the laundromat.
00:01:50Now we have a new public enemy number one, Jack.
00:01:55And his commercials are just a sick display of his power in the fast food market.
00:01:59My name is Jack.
00:02:03Yo, and I'm not wack.
00:02:04My food's more addictive than crack.
00:02:06I got a new sandwich for all you ladies.
00:02:08Take one bite, it's hotter than Hades.
00:02:11And I call it the Suicide Sandwich.
00:02:14Because it's hotter than a fat bitch.
00:02:15Take one bite and your anus will twitch.
00:02:17Snacks with peppers and chili powder.
00:02:19When you creep, people never scream louder.
00:02:22For my Suicide Sandwich.
00:02:25Grab ones a day.
00:02:27Diaper not included.
00:02:30Yeah, about as funny as a fart in a morgue.
00:02:34There's a new Jack popping up every day.
00:02:37And let's not forget the hazards of his horrible food.
00:02:40It's a scary hormone-injected menu of death.
00:02:47Now what would happen if I ate Jack for a month straight?
00:02:51Well, I guess I'd have to know him pretty well, huh?
00:02:54But seriously, I don't know Jack.
00:02:56Not yet, anyway.
00:02:57I've just heard the horror stories.
00:03:00So now it's time I taste what I've been missing.
00:03:03So come on.
00:03:04Jack!
00:03:05Oh my gosh!
00:03:08I don't know if I'm going to die.
00:03:09I don't know if I'm going to die.
00:03:09I don't know if I'm going to die.
00:03:10I don't know if I'm going to die.
00:03:11I don't know if I'm going to die.
00:03:12I don't know if I'm going to die.
00:03:13I don't know if I'm going to die.
00:03:14I don't know if I'm going to die.
00:03:15I don't know if I'm going to die.
00:03:16I don't know if I'm going to die.
00:03:17I don't know if I'm going to die.
00:03:18I don't know if I'm going to die.
00:03:19I don't know if I'm going to die.
00:03:20I don't know if I'm going to die.
00:03:21I don't know if I'm going to die.
00:03:22guitar solo
00:03:52I figured if I was going to go all out on a 30-day jacksbender, I would need a reputable physician to monitor my health.
00:04:19The problem is, I don't have insurance, so I enlisted the medical supervision of an ex-veterinarian who ran an underground clinic down by the L.A. River.
00:04:30Any history of health problems?
00:04:33Not really.
00:04:34No aneurysms, retardation?
00:04:37I did have some mental illness a few years back.
00:04:40Oh, tell me more.
00:04:41Well, let's just say I got a little crazy at Cheesy Chuck's Pizza Parlor one night, and when they arrested me, I was naked in the ball crawl.
00:04:51Are you sexually active?
00:04:53Yes.
00:04:53A girlfriend?
00:04:55Yes.
00:04:56No, I said girlfriend.
00:04:58Um, yeah, yeah.
00:05:00Right.
00:05:02Any history of family diseases?
00:05:04Let's see, my dad drank till his guts vulcanized, and my mom had every STD and TJ.
00:05:11TJ?
00:05:12Yeah, my mom rode more donkeys down there than Pancho Villa.
00:05:16The reason I ask about your parents is that heredity plays a large part in our health.
00:05:22Why, did you know that diarrhea is hereditary?
00:05:25It is?
00:05:26Yeah, it runs in your genes.
00:05:32Now, are you sure you want to go ahead with this?
00:05:35You realize Jack's food is one of the leading causes of serious health abnormalities.
00:05:44Jack is an evil, sadistic clown that preys upon our children and our community.
00:05:50It's my moral obligation to show this great country exactly what this hormone-injected garbage can do to a human.
00:06:00All right, moron.
00:06:01It's your body.
00:06:02I wouldn't worry too much.
00:06:04You look strong as a horse.
00:06:06So, let's get started with some tests, shall we?
00:06:10Our food is good!
00:06:12It's good for America!
00:06:13The FDA.
00:06:16They're coming down on us.
00:06:17We only use the best ingredients.
00:06:19We use the best shit there is.
00:06:21And the FDA can drink my piss.
00:06:32Doctor is in.
00:06:33And wearing a grin.
00:06:35I've got a PhD in Sado-Hing.
00:06:39Lift your gown, spread your cheeks.
00:06:41This physical takes three whole weeks.
00:06:44Because my thermometer will make your toes curl.
00:06:47I'll grab your nuts like a star-skinned squirrel.
00:06:50Mother's shirt's a little bit.
00:06:51Turn your head.
00:06:52What's that for?
00:06:53A little more hypno.
00:06:54Relaxing for the rectal exam.
00:06:56Now practice suits don't bother me.
00:06:58Because I got some PhD in Sado-Hing.
00:07:02So, overall, you're pretty healthy.
00:07:16The worst that can happen to you is you would die an excruciating death and Satan would emerge
00:07:21from the bowels of hell and torment your soul forever.
00:07:26Well, I guess I can live with that.
00:07:28Good luck, moron.
00:07:33Thanks, Doc.
00:07:33You're a good man.
00:07:42Screw you, hobos!
00:07:44My odd campaign is a recipe for success.
00:07:46Smoke, tits, and Satan!
00:07:49Jack, it's not all about rump shaking and tit twirling.
00:07:54It's, um...
00:07:55Jack, you're white.
00:07:56Whiter than, uh, albino's ass.
00:08:00Get to the point, dick-licks!
00:08:02White rappers suck.
00:08:04Say that to anima!
00:08:06Four number one hits this year alone!
00:08:09You can't have that one hit.
00:08:11Uh, ass hostage?
00:08:13Exactly!
00:08:15Inhale my sausage!
00:08:17I'll make you my ass hostage!
00:08:20But that wigger was a fluke.
00:08:23Well, for some street cred, we do have Black Jack.
00:08:29What?
00:08:31Roll the tape!
00:08:32My name is Jack, and my ass is black.
00:08:36My burger's a bomb, cause I'm the real Mac.
00:08:38Smack the buns in the beef I'm tossed.
00:08:41Then I throw down my special sauce.
00:08:44You slide your beef in the buns.
00:08:47Come on, just slide your beef in the buns.
00:08:50Ugh!
00:08:50The all-new Black Jack Burger.
00:08:53It's hot and it squirts.
00:08:57You're shitting me!
00:08:59Where on God's white earth did you find this hood rat?
00:09:03Compton Clown School, actually.
00:09:05Top of his class.
00:09:06You dumb prince!
00:09:09There's already an unfunny, fat ass in Hollywood named Jack Black!
00:09:15No!
00:09:16It's Black Jack!
00:09:19F you!
00:09:20I'm Jack, and that's my jail!
00:09:23And don't you forget it!
00:09:24There's only one Jack!
00:09:26But Jack!
00:09:27Please!
00:09:28Tom, grab your cattle kills and hit the baby do-do!
00:09:32Hard!
00:09:33Whatever.
00:09:34I'll see you later at the petting zoo.
00:09:36You better watch yourself in the alley.
00:09:40I'll put your punk ass back in the halfway house where I found you!
00:09:48Yeah, so I'm not going to exercise for a month either.
00:09:51Which suits me fine.
00:09:53I mean, this is L.A.
00:09:56Nobody walks here.
00:10:00People in L.A. are so lazy.
00:10:02If they could drive to the toilet, they would.
00:10:06Speaking of toilets, this is my place right up here.
00:10:13Yeah, my girlfriend's not too hip on this whole experiment thing.
00:10:17She just hates fast food.
00:10:20She says it makes her feel rubbery.
00:10:22Yeah, we met at a little store in North Hollywood about a year ago.
00:10:35We fell in love so fast.
00:10:41So fast.
00:10:42She says she literally felt the wind rush through her body.
00:10:46Oh, hey, honey.
00:10:54I was just talking about you.
00:11:03Yeah, she's a little shy around new people sometimes.
00:11:06All right.
00:11:09Hey, honey, where'd you put that patch kit?
00:11:14Left leg's looking a little flat.
00:11:22Shut your lousy blowhole and listen to me.
00:11:24It's my body, and if I want to wear a diaper for the rest of my life, that's my problem.
00:11:31So get off your lazy ass and fix me a bologna sandwich.
00:11:36I want something nice to eat before I start my Jack's Diet tomorrow.
00:11:40Oh, screw me, huh?
00:11:48Say something now.
00:11:50That's what I thought.
00:11:53Psycho.
00:12:07Well, this is it.
00:12:08Day one.
00:12:09The first meal of the day.
00:12:11The most important meal of the day.
00:12:14Breakfast.
00:12:18Yeah, I'll have a Flappy Jack's breakfast combo.
00:12:21This is every kid's dream.
00:12:24Jack's.
00:12:25For breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
00:12:31I got me some Flappy Jack's.
00:12:33Here goes my first fight.
00:12:43Jack's.
00:12:43Ah, damn, who's shatting a batter?
00:12:58Do you eat it, Jack's?
00:13:01Not so much, but I think I've eaten there, yeah?
00:13:05I eat it, Jack's.
00:13:06What do you think of Jack's food?
00:13:09It's all greasy and they don't take the time to prepare it right.
00:13:13Ah, I don't know, I'm gonna get you back.
00:13:17I hate Jack's. You like Wendy's?
00:13:20Wendy's?
00:13:22Yeah, Wendy's nuts are in your mouth.
00:13:26So, you ever get the Jack me, you know, big size?
00:13:29Yeah, I've been Jack before.
00:13:32Man, that was fuckin' awesome.
00:13:37Yeah, last time I was at Jack Burgers, it tasted like feet.
00:13:40Thank you very much.
00:13:41Now here's the rules.
00:13:42I can only eat food from Jack's.
00:13:44If Jack's doesn't sell it, I can't eat it.
00:13:47I have to try every item on the menu.
00:13:51And finally, I have to eat three squares a day.
00:13:55Breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
00:13:58No pussin' out.
00:14:00Well, it's lunchtime and I'm about to inhale the Mumbo Jumbo Jack Super Circus Combo.
00:14:06What size do you want?
00:14:07Do you wanna get Jack?
00:14:09Yeah, Jack.
00:14:09Yeah, Jack.
00:14:10Yeah, Jack.
00:14:10Yeah, Jack.
00:14:15Damn.
00:14:16This thing's about as rare as a full set of teeth at Walmart.
00:14:20And, I got the Dumbo Jumbo Death Defying Drink.
00:14:29Oh boy.
00:14:30That's horrible.
00:14:31Yeah.
00:14:31That's what we got here.
00:14:32Ah, cool.
00:14:33I got the two headed Circus Freak action figure.
00:14:46Sweet.
00:14:47High dive time.
00:14:50Woo!
00:14:53Score, baby.
00:14:57What do you think Jack's food is doing to the public's waistline?
00:15:00Shit!
00:15:01It's making the whole country a bunch of lard asses.
00:15:04And that upsets you?
00:15:06Is there a mustache in Mexico?
00:15:12Now people are doing the unthinkable.
00:15:14They're suing Jack's greasy ass.
00:15:17Come on.
00:15:19We used to eat out quite a bit when we were kids.
00:15:22This is a new phenomenon.
00:15:24It's an epidemic.
00:15:25Kids are growing pubes in preschool.
00:15:28It's unacceptable.
00:15:29Period.
00:15:31And don't even get me started on periods.
00:15:33It's those damn hormones.
00:15:39So listen, Bob.
00:15:40Here's the deal.
00:15:41Everybody's getting all fat eating all this fast food all the time.
00:15:44That's a damn shame.
00:15:45Did you know that most people eat out 40% of their meals?
00:15:50I mean, I, of course, eat out a little bit more than that.
00:15:54If you know what I'm saying.
00:15:55So, I heard you want to sue Jack.
00:16:01Oh, yeah.
00:16:02I am going to sue the suspenders off of that bald headed burger pimping bastard.
00:16:07I am going to sue Jack till he ain't got Jack.
00:16:10I'm going to sue him till he can't even order off his own value menu.
00:16:13Are you kidding me?
00:16:14Yeah, you can quote me on that.
00:16:16And you've sued food companies before?
00:16:18Oh, companies.
00:16:19Schools.
00:16:20Oh, shit.
00:16:21I don't mind.
00:16:22Stella.
00:16:23Yeah, where in the hell is the file for the Little Sisters of Mercy?
00:16:27Huh?
00:16:28We got to have that in court today and I am not letting those bitches off the hook.
00:16:32Church has got plenty of money.
00:16:33The file is not on my desk in one minute.
00:16:35I'm going to sue you.
00:16:36Again.
00:16:37Jack has a team of top-notch lawyers foaming at the mouth for some action.
00:16:44And occasionally, he fires back.
00:16:47Come on.
00:16:48I've been doing this shit a long time.
00:16:50I just made a ton of cash with Lord of the O-Rings.
00:16:55Then I just wrapped Butt Pirates of the Caribbean 2.
00:16:59Now I got to deal with this crap.
00:17:02Yeah, I'm currently involved in a lawsuit pending with Jack.
00:17:06It's over the use of this title.
00:17:08Jack me.
00:17:09See, this friggin' scum sack says he already owns the phrase.
00:17:25So now, next month, I gotta drag my ass down to court and settle this shit.
00:17:31Not to mention, the judge wants to subpoena my two lead stars from Jack me.
00:17:36So how's that going to look?
00:17:38When the judge says, will Jennifer Love's huge dick and hairy ass Truman please take the stand?
00:17:46Yeah, somebody's going to get jacked alright.
00:17:50Mwah.
00:17:52Jax, you have a choice.
00:17:58You can choose this.
00:17:59See, you got your circus midget size.
00:18:01Or you can choose this size.
00:18:05Okay, a suicide.
00:18:07You have a choice?
00:18:09There is no choice.
00:18:11You know, I'd rather be butt raped by a large inmate than to buy this rather than buy this.
00:18:17Shit, you can eat a trunk load of trout for how much calories you get in this.
00:18:23And let me tell you, I've done it.
00:18:25I smell it.
00:18:26Jax offers various drink sizes to quench your primal thirst.
00:18:32They got the circus midget, the clown court, the midway monster, and of course the Jack me special, the suicide.
00:18:41And for the hardcores, there's the steroid smoothie.
00:18:45Drink it up.
00:18:47And Jack also puts a gang of sugar in his drinks.
00:18:53Not to mention ingredients more unnatural than a 90 year old man having a sex change.
00:18:58And of course, the cherry on top, hormones.
00:19:06Welcome to Jax, can I take your order?
00:19:08Yeah, give me a bearded lady burger, an order of drunken carny curly fries, and a soda.
00:19:16Okay, go ahead.
00:19:18Oh wait, you didn't ask me if I wanted to get Jack.
00:19:21Get your hands off my ass.
00:19:23What?
00:19:24Not you, I was talking to my manager.
00:19:27Oh, okay.
00:19:31Just look at this thing.
00:19:33Two pounds of pure Angus fur.
00:19:37More hair than Burt Reynolds balls.
00:19:40Wow.
00:19:42Not to mention, enough curly fries to lasso Louie Anderson.
00:19:48And of course, my favorite, one gallon of highly caffeinated, sugar saturated water.
00:19:58Oh boy.
00:19:59Last time I ate that much fur, I was at a swing party in Jaxworth.
00:20:06Alan and Jaxworth.
00:20:07Stop!
00:20:12Wow hey a condom
00:20:42Jax, it's what's for dinner
00:20:56I feel like total crap today
00:20:59But it's breakfast time and I ain't quitting now
00:21:06Yeah that's a son of a bitch our cameras got stupid around one of the restaurants
00:21:10It appears he's making a movie or something, probably trying to shut you down
00:21:13He looks like a real moron
00:21:15Funny you should say that
00:21:17His name is moron, moron sperm lick to be exact
00:21:20A real loser, I trailed him to some shit shack out in the woods
00:21:24You done good dick, I'll take it from here
00:21:29The side effects are horrendous
00:21:32Hair grows in weird spots
00:21:34Some men even develop breasts
00:21:36It's like suicide eating Jax
00:21:39It really is
00:21:40Yeah I'm getting this weird pulsating sensation in my schlong area
00:21:45It's really strange
00:21:46It must be all the hormones
00:21:54Quick give me another burger
00:21:56What is it?
00:22:01That's a good thing about LA
00:22:04They deliver everything
00:22:06Yeah
00:22:07Yeah
00:22:08Yeah
00:22:09Hey little bitch, I heard you're making a movie about how my food sucks
00:22:15No way, your food's healthy and nutritious
00:22:18What a crap moron, everybody knows my food ain't fit for a coma, face it
00:22:23Listen
00:22:24If I hear one more story about your little art face film
00:22:28I'll make you go down on the clouds
00:22:30Well it's video actually
00:22:32Shut your mustache
00:22:34If I hear any more crap I'm gonna cut your hair to hair and you'll be wearing a smile like mine
00:22:40Come on
00:22:41Got it
00:22:42Um
00:22:43Yes Jackie
00:22:44I'm sorry
00:22:45I'll be watching you
00:22:47I'll be watching you
00:22:48Let's face it, fast food will kill you quicker than PCP, and unfortunately without that bitchin'
00:23:02buzz.
00:23:03And I don't think America's doing its civil duty, letting its kids run around at all hours
00:23:07into the night at these grease shacks, well...
00:23:11Excuse me, I am up here.
00:23:13He picks his nose with the TV on, I'm a pig now, baby, I'm a pig, pig, pig.
00:23:20He slips his toes when he's feeling gone, I'm a pig now, baby, dig.
00:23:25And he goes out, on Friday night, he takes off his pants cause he feels alright.
00:23:30Third down, and twenty to go, his two tug turkey is ready to go, go, go!
00:23:43Look, bad stuff happens when you eat this garbage every day.
00:24:04Things like, violent diarrhea, soft serve stool, ring sting, projectile vomiting, male lactation,
00:24:20and genital strokes.
00:24:23In fact, if this continues, half of all kids born in the next five years will become
00:24:28so fat and bloated with hormones, California will indeed sink into the ocean before the
00:24:34year 2010.
00:24:36There was a hanging out somewhere, somebody didn't know where I was, with my hair shaved,
00:24:43with my underwear, up by someone's head, it was a little bit of food chilly on the side.
00:24:48Now I'm up again with some lovin', and this woman come right back to me and said,
00:24:52Hey, woman, why could you shut up and get the hell out of my life?
00:24:55I don't care what your name is anyway.
00:24:57Shut up, dog.
00:24:59Pick some food, bitch.
00:25:02Watch my TV night, we live a big fire.
00:25:14Without further ado, let's bring out Gerald Funyon.
00:25:19What's up, brother?
00:25:20I'd like to thank all you wonderful kids and family for giving me the opportunity to tell
00:25:25my story.
00:25:27Sit down, nigglet.
00:25:29Anyways, I never smoked cigarettes without filters.
00:25:33And I never drank liquor that wasn't in a 40 ounce bottle.
00:25:37My hang up was Jack's.
00:25:39And before my last unemployment check, I weighed 400 pounds in the shade.
00:25:43So I brought a pair of my old droves.
00:25:46Oh, snaps, got them backwards.
00:25:49Anyways, you get it, my black ass was fat.
00:25:53And active.
00:25:54Another one bites the dust, baby.
00:26:03I don't think the son of a bitch knew what he was getting into.
00:26:07I mean, raised in a trailer, abused.
00:26:11His dad was awful and horrid.
00:26:14While most kids heard bedtime stories before they went to sleep, all he heard usually was
00:26:23this.
00:26:24Yeah, my dad used to get real drunk and he'd make me watch Chuck Norris movies in the nude
00:26:32with him all night.
00:26:39Do you like Jack's food?
00:26:41Yuck.
00:26:42I prefer something healthy.
00:26:44What would you rather have other than Jack's?
00:26:47Well, actually, I prefer a hot grease enema.
00:26:50Hey, I haven't actually seen you at the club lately.
00:26:52Where you been, girlfriend?
00:26:54What are you talking about?
00:26:55We don't know each other.
00:26:57Don't hate.
00:26:58Masticate.
00:27:03Jack's is poison, man.
00:27:06Do yourself a favor and eat out of the dumpster behind the free clinic.
00:27:10Well, you pretty much succeeded in reaming out your health.
00:27:15You gained ten pounds and you look like shit.
00:27:18I look like shit?
00:27:20Scratch that.
00:27:22You smell like shit.
00:27:24This is absurd.
00:27:27Stop it before it's too late!
00:27:31Late night one.
00:27:34That'll be 425, sir.
00:27:37Alright, here you go.
00:27:39Hey, did you want any special sauce with that today?
00:27:42Yeah, I'll take some special sauce.
00:27:44Thanks.
00:27:45Alright.
00:27:46Hey, journey, load them up.
00:27:47Anything else today?
00:27:48I think that'll be it.
00:27:49Alright.
00:27:50Just one minute.
00:27:51We'll take care of your special order.
00:27:52Alright.
00:27:53It's a special sauce that makes it so much more enjoyable than a plate.
00:27:54Jack Breeze!
00:27:55Jack Breeze!
00:27:56Jack Breeze!
00:27:57Jack Breeze!
00:27:58Jack Breeze!
00:27:59Jack Breeze!
00:28:00Jack!
00:28:01Jack!
00:28:02Jack!
00:28:03Jack!
00:28:04Jack!
00:28:05Jack!
00:28:06Jack!
00:28:07Jack!
00:28:08Jack!
00:28:09Jack!
00:28:10Jack!
00:28:11Jack!
00:28:12Jack!
00:28:13Jack!
00:28:14Jack!
00:28:15Jack!
00:28:16Jack!
00:28:17Jack!
00:28:18Jack!
00:28:19Jack!
00:28:20Jack!
00:28:21Jack!
00:28:22Jack!
00:28:23Jack!
00:28:24Jack!
00:28:25Jack!
00:28:26Jack!
00:28:27Jack!
00:28:28Jack!
00:28:29Jack!
00:28:30Jack!
00:28:31Jack!
00:28:32Jack!
00:28:33Jack!
00:28:34Jack!
00:28:35Jack!
00:28:36Crap!
00:28:39Where's the head?
00:28:50Should I ever eat a jet?
00:28:53No, not unless my microwave is baroque.
00:28:56Not unless I'm feeling suicidal!
00:28:59We all know this.
00:29:00Fast food is not the greatest thing in the world for us.
00:29:04But there are just times when it's convenient.
00:29:07You guys look in pretty good shape. Do you get a lot of exercise?
00:29:11Do I get a lot of exercise?
00:29:13Yes!
00:29:15I do!
00:29:17But it should not be a part of your everyday diet.
00:29:22Hell yeah! I'd be coming over to your house like Batman!
00:29:25He don't even leave without Robin!
00:29:29It's easy.
00:29:30You know, you just don't have the time to go and get a proper meal.
00:29:35So, it works!
00:29:37That's what I'm talking about. I was running my shit off!
00:29:40Yeah!
00:29:42What's the grossest thing you've ever found in Jack's food?
00:29:45One time I found a roach.
00:29:47A roach?
00:29:49Yeah!
00:29:50What did you do with it?
00:29:51Yeah!
00:29:52Yeah!
00:29:53These are the first chicken chunks I've had on this sick adventure!
00:30:09I can almost hear them cluck!
00:30:11Whoa!
00:30:17I don't know what chunk of the chicken this came off of!
00:30:21I think it's the...the pecker!
00:30:27Mmm!
00:30:31These must be the nuggets!
00:30:32Yowza!
00:30:33Did you know that chicken's the only animal you eat before it's born and after it's dead?
00:30:45So, exactly what's in Jack's trapeze chicken chunks?
00:30:49You have an assortment of goodies in here, actually!
00:30:52You've got your lips, your eyelids, your belly buttons, earlobes, and assholes!
00:30:58Oh!
00:30:59And an occasional foreskin!
00:31:00Hello?
00:31:01Hello?
00:31:02Hello?
00:31:03At Jack's, along with horrible food, usually comes horrible service.
00:31:08Case in point!
00:31:09Yeah, what the fuck do you want?
00:31:10I'm trying to order some food!
00:31:11You want a corn dog, bitch?
00:31:12As a matter of fact...
00:31:13We're close!
00:31:14Get the fuck out of here, man!
00:31:15You guys are fags!
00:31:16Jack B!
00:31:17Jack B!
00:31:18Jack B!
00:31:19Jack B!
00:31:20Jack B!
00:31:21Jack B!
00:31:22Jack B!
00:31:24Yeah, Jack B!
00:31:26Jack B!
00:31:28Jack B!
00:31:29Jack B!
00:31:30Jack B!
00:31:31Jack B!
00:31:32Jack B!
00:31:33Jack B!
00:31:34Jack B!
00:31:35Jack B!
00:31:37Jack B!
00:31:38Jack B!
00:31:39Jack B!
00:31:40Jack B!
00:31:41Jack B!
00:31:42Jack B!
00:31:43Jack B!
00:31:44Jack B!
00:31:45Jack B!
00:31:46Jack B!
00:31:47Jack B!
00:31:48Jack B!
00:31:49Jack B!
00:31:50Jack B!
00:31:51Jack B!
00:31:52Jack B!
00:31:53Jack B!
00:31:54Jack B!
00:31:55Jack B!
00:31:56Jack B!
00:31:57Jack B!
00:31:58Jack B!
00:31:59Jack B!
00:32:00Jack B!
00:32:01Jack B!
00:32:02Jack B!
00:32:03Jack B!
00:32:04Jack B!
00:32:05Jack B!
00:32:06Jack B!
00:32:07Jack B! Jack B!
00:32:08violent episode of Roid Rage. Well, unfortunately I took it out on the misses here.
00:32:15Jack B. Jack B. Jack B. Jack B. Jack B. Jack B. Jack B. Jack B. Jack B. Jack B.
00:32:36Listen, I know he's there. Put Jack on the phone. The public deserves to know the truth.
00:32:56What you want? Yeah, I have the Dancing Bear Burger meal and Jack me.
00:33:01Hey Leroy, sound like a homie. You what?
00:33:04Fuck you, man.
00:33:05Your mama's so nasty, she got rigged around the trailer.
00:33:08Yeah, whatever.
00:33:09Listen here, you minimum wage-making piece of shit.
00:33:12Come on up to the window and I'll jack you up.
00:33:14That's it.
00:33:15Someone's getting jacked here.
00:33:17It's not gonna be me.
00:33:20Quit pulling my chain, man.
00:33:22I'm trying to go.
00:33:23As soon as you hit the beat, drop, turn the shit up loud.
00:33:27Jack break!
00:33:29Jack break!
00:33:32Jack break!
00:33:34Do you know what a hormone is?
00:33:37Jack, it's like you've had too much cholesterol.
00:33:41He's full of hormones.
00:33:42Supposedly, blows up the meat.
00:33:45That's like you can make more sex.
00:33:47Makes you make more sex.
00:33:49It's a chemical release by the brain to help the body do things.
00:33:54Isn't that something your mama does?
00:33:56With the marshmallow break dance.
00:33:59Wait a minute, did he say marshmallow break dance?
00:34:02At the marshmallow break dance, marshmallow pepsi break dance, it turns into food.
00:34:10To the general public, hormones are pretty much a mystery.
00:34:13Hormones are molecules that act as signals from one type of cell to another.
00:34:20When hormones are increased at such a fast rate, as with Jack's food, this leads to gynecomastia.
00:34:27Which means overly developmental lobules and stroma enlargement.
00:34:32Basically, it gives you titties.
00:34:34Something I haven't shared with everyone is the last couple of days, I started developing breasts.
00:34:43So, um, yeah, it started as this pressure on my chest.
00:34:57And, uh, yeah, these things just grew out of nowhere.
00:35:10But this morning, I looked in the mirror.
00:35:15We can guess what I did.
00:35:16That's right.
00:35:19I put milk in my coffee.
00:35:21You know, I saw a boy yesterday, seven years old, with a rack made Pam Anderson look flatter in a TV dinner.
00:35:29I feel a little heavier.
00:35:31No offense, but you're no Karen Carpenter to begin with.
00:35:36Wow!
00:35:37What, did I gain a lot?
00:35:38I don't know, but did you see the ass on that intern there?
00:35:41Damn, she's fine!
00:35:44Come on, Doc, how much did I gain?
00:35:48Whoa!
00:35:49About ten pounds.
00:35:50You better slow down, kid.
00:35:55You may want to invest in a training bra.
00:35:59It's the Orca Show!
00:36:02Welcome back, everyone.
00:36:04We're here with Moron Spermlik, a filmmaker.
00:36:08Well, actually, it's video.
00:36:09Whatever, White Britt.
00:36:10Uh, so, I hear you on a 30-day diet of Jack's food.
00:36:15So, how you doing, health-wise?
00:36:17Not bad for a man with honkers.
00:36:20Damn, Conway Titty.
00:36:22Those real?
00:36:23Oh, yeah.
00:36:24And this is just after a few days of eating Jack's hormone-filled food.
00:36:29So, what's next?
00:36:32You gonna keep going?
00:36:34Whole 30 days?
00:36:35Shut up, bitch.
00:36:36I'm talking here.
00:36:37Well, if I live through the rest of this month, I'm thinking about doing a whole series of 30-day stunts.
00:36:45Tired.
00:36:46Dude, that's played out.
00:36:48One Trick Pony's only workin' bestiality films.
00:36:52Take me, for instance.
00:36:53This show has something new.
00:36:56Every time.
00:36:56Keep it new.
00:36:57Keep it new.
00:36:58Well, I mean, I'm gonna change it up every month.
00:37:01How?
00:37:01Well, next month, I'm gonna punk for speed at truck stops for 30 days.
00:37:06Okay.
00:37:07Then I'm gonna embark on a 30-day diet of Gila monster semen.
00:37:11We get it.
00:37:12Then it's 30 days of dry-humping lawn furniture.
00:37:15Okay, we get it.
00:37:15Followed by 30 days of huffing dirty laundry in a trailer park.
00:37:19Thank you, everybody, for tuning in.
00:37:20We'll see you same time tomorrow.
00:37:23Oh, God.
00:37:24How do you stand here?
00:37:25Listen, everyone.
00:37:26Please cut the commercial.
00:37:27Cut, cut.
00:37:28I feel stupid.
00:37:29Don't you ever hit a woman on my show?
00:37:32Yeah, let me get two Big Top Tacos, the three-ring onions, and a suicide soda.
00:37:37I don't know, man.
00:37:47It's like nobody understands me.
00:37:50And I feel so depressed.
00:37:57Shit.
00:38:02I took his PMS.
00:38:07I don't know, man.
00:38:12I'm getting pretty bored with this menu.
00:38:15Tonight I got to clown around corndog combo and a gallon of caramel apple soda.
00:38:26I got the cramps, too.
00:38:29Sorry if I'm a little bitchy after tomorrow.
00:38:31I got the cramps, too.
00:39:01I just started.
00:39:28I got the cramps, too.
00:39:28Jack, Jack, we got a real problem.
00:39:58Ronald's cutting into our profits big time.
00:40:01We got to do something about it.
00:40:06No, honey, I told you I'm leaving the office.
00:40:09I'll work my nose off today.
00:40:14Hey, Mick, you took my business, Ronnie.
00:40:18Now I'm going to take your life.
00:40:20Hey, hey, let's talk about this, clown to clown.
00:40:23All right, then.
00:40:28Die, pussy!
00:40:44Jack's even supplies our local schools with his garbage food and many prisons as well.
00:40:49In a recent prison poll, we discovered that most prison riots erupted after the consumption of Jack's shit-filled food.
00:40:56With Jack's formulated market strategies, the kids today don't stand a chance.
00:41:07Hey there, kids.
00:41:09I'm going to show you some pictures of some people and you try to guess who they are.
00:41:14Okay?
00:41:15Okay.
00:41:16Here's the first one.
00:41:17Yeah.
00:41:18George Washington.
00:41:19I don't know.
00:41:20Who might this be?
00:41:22I don't know.
00:41:23George W. Bush.
00:41:24All right.
00:41:25Are you gay?
00:41:26Do you like pitching or catching?
00:41:27And this one?
00:41:28I don't know who that is.
00:41:29Oh, that's Ron Jeremy.
00:41:30Very good.
00:41:31And how about this guy?
00:41:32Jack.
00:41:33That's easy.
00:41:34That's Jack.
00:41:35Very good.
00:41:36Hey, do you have any booze?
00:41:37Really, man?
00:41:38So, obviously these kids know Jack and Ron Jeremy.
00:41:42Ron Jeremy.
00:42:03So have you ever eaten at Jack's?
00:42:08So, have you ever eaten at Jack's?
00:42:11Dude, only when I'm broke, but that ain't been lately.
00:42:14Any advice on staying slim?
00:42:16Hell yeah, get off your fat ass and ride a bike or something, dude.
00:42:20I mean, you gotta handle your scandal.
00:42:27Um, so have you ever tried Jack's Big Tump Burger?
00:42:31Yeah, once.
00:42:34How was it?
00:42:36You kidding me? That shit was tougher than Lance Armstrong's scrotum.
00:42:41Hmm, I'll have to try that one.
00:42:44Whatever it is.
00:42:59Kids across the nation are being emotionally and physically terrorized by eating this trash.
00:43:05And we're not gonna take it anymore.
00:43:07Jack, you better watch your greasy ass.
00:43:10They have some cool toys.
00:43:12Jack's is famous for toddler branded toys, the dolls, the games.
00:43:16There's Jack Gannon, Jackopoly, and his latest video game, Jumpin' Jacks.
00:43:22So, my little Martha comes home the other day with this Kid's Meals doll.
00:43:27And she's playing with it and everything's going really well.
00:43:31And then she starts to undress it like kids do.
00:43:34And, oh my God, that just isn't right.
00:43:38What are they doing over there?
00:43:40This onslaught of marketing is aimed at grooming the new models to serve Jack for life.
00:43:49Jack.
00:43:50Well, time for your first blood test.
00:43:53You nervous?
00:43:54Not even.
00:43:55Shit.
00:43:56I got more blood in my stool now than a poodle has pumping through its veins.
00:44:01Jack wasn't always a total asshole.
00:44:14But I do remember the day he snapped like it was yesterday.
00:44:20Daddy, can I go to the store?
00:44:24Sure, kids.
00:44:26Just be careful.
00:44:27Crossin' the street.
00:44:29Help!
00:44:34Shit.
00:44:35Okay, ma'am.
00:44:37Crossin' the street.
00:44:38Oh!
00:44:53Those poor little shits.
00:44:56What's going on in here?
00:44:58Are you giving away my secrets again?
00:45:01Jack, honey, relax.
00:45:03Will you relax, you old hunker?
00:45:07Jack has even penetrated our school system.
00:45:14What's the grossest thing you ever found in your food here?
00:45:28Um, pears, that's all.
00:45:32An ear.
00:45:33A human ear.
00:45:34I ate it.
00:45:35I was hungry.
00:45:36Maybe there's spit every once in a while.
00:45:38That maggot?
00:45:39Yeah, that was pretty bad.
00:45:40Yeah.
00:45:41There's like bone inside and stuff.
00:45:42How about the dead hamster?
00:45:43I think we shouldn't beat around the dead hamster.
00:45:45Well, one morning I woke up in bed and there was a pool of chili under me and, well, it might
00:45:51not have been chili, but...
00:45:53I don't know.
00:45:54Uh, this is pretty much the worst piece of shit that I've ever had.
00:45:59Have you, um, experienced any, uh, psychological trauma from, uh, eating the food here?
00:46:06Yeah, at night I just lay awake and I just can't stop thinking about my impending death.
00:46:13I have been sexually harassed to Jacks.
00:46:15A man, uh, came at me with a fry in a sexual manner.
00:46:18Have you ever met Jack?
00:46:20Yeah.
00:46:21He gave me an autograph.
00:46:22Yeah?
00:46:23On my last night.
00:46:25I mean, how can you shovel this shit down these teenagers' necks?
00:46:34Well, it's pretty easy.
00:46:36Give us money and we feed them.
00:46:38But look, she's got two big top tacos, cotton candy, and a sideshow soda?
00:46:46I mean, this is outrageous.
00:46:48Yeah, and you know what else is outrageous?
00:46:50What's that?
00:46:51Your titties are bigger than hers.
00:46:53I'm not answering any more questions.
00:46:55Talk to Don Confisano.
00:46:57He's our union food rep.
00:47:06We feed all the schools in the neighborhood and most of the prisons in the state, too.
00:47:11Come on, let's take a walk.
00:47:16Hey, what's this in here?
00:47:17Uh, that's not...
00:47:18Oh my god, is that...
00:47:19That's sugar, isn't it?
00:47:21What?
00:47:22Hey, get out of here, huh?
00:47:23Can a guy get a little privacy around here?
00:47:24That ain't sugar.
00:47:29We got some good shit here, man.
00:47:31Oh yeah?
00:47:32Was this stuff frozen?
00:47:33Of course.
00:47:34How do you think we'd keep it fresh?
00:47:35So, can I see your freezer?
00:47:37Of course you can.
00:47:38Let's go.
00:47:39Let's go.
00:47:43Okay, this is where the really good stuff for these little shitheads are.
00:47:48This is the corn chips and, you know, tortillas, all that white flour stuff that they love.
00:47:56Okay?
00:47:57Now, over here we got the basic sweets.
00:48:00White sugar, which is really, really good for them.
00:48:03It messes with the teachers because it messes with their attention span.
00:48:08And over here we have Jack's frozen hot wings.
00:48:10I think he calls them his high-wire hot wings or some shit like that.
00:48:15And, oh shit, man, get that camera out of here.
00:48:18Get it out of here.
00:48:19Louie, wait.
00:48:20Come on, man.
00:48:21This ain't funny.
00:48:22Louie, wake up.
00:48:23Oh, shit.
00:48:24Come on, man.
00:48:25This ain't funny.
00:48:30Jack's no good.
00:48:31Last time I eat there, my stomach feel like Bruce Lee punching.
00:48:39I feel I eat that bad poodle there.
00:48:45Jack's no good.
00:48:46Jack's no good.
00:48:47Jack's no good.
00:48:48Jack's no good.
00:48:49Jack's no good.
00:48:50Jack's no good.
00:48:51Jack's no good.
00:48:59Oh, let's see.
00:49:00Ah, tasty local dish.
00:49:03Yeah, give me the kung fu combo.
00:49:06Yeah.
00:49:07We are out of it.
00:49:08Can you order something else?
00:49:10Hmm.
00:49:11Oh, shit, man.
00:49:12That's the one I really want.
00:49:13Don't you understand why I ran out of it?
00:49:16I told you order something else, bitch.
00:49:18Do you have anything that's like that, similar?
00:49:24Get the hell out of there, fuckface.
00:49:26Give me the ball.
00:49:27Give me the ball.
00:49:28Give me the ball.
00:49:29Give me the ball.
00:49:30And it seems that even the teachers and phys ed instructors are poisoned by the jack plague.
00:49:42So, do you think our kids are getting enough exercise in our schoolyards these days?
00:49:46Oh, yeah.
00:49:47Over here, we got the boys' basketball.
00:49:51And over here, we got the girls' soccer.
00:49:55Damn.
00:49:56I like to bend that like Beckham.
00:49:58Do you like the food served here at school?
00:50:00Yeah.
00:50:01Yeah.
00:50:02It's pretty good.
00:50:03It's good.
00:50:04What's your favorite thing to eat here?
00:50:05It's a crazy clown kids' meal.
00:50:06Yeah, it's great.
00:50:07We don't even have to go to Jack's anymore.
00:50:09Exactly.
00:50:10The food comes to us.
00:50:11Right here in the cafeteria.
00:50:13It's sweet.
00:50:15Come on now.
00:50:16You know these kids are getting jacked.
00:50:18Just look at them.
00:50:19Cooper.
00:50:20Fast for God damn ball, you little ball hog.
00:50:22He's a hog, alright.
00:50:24Coach, fast food is killing these innocent kids.
00:50:28This is a Mr. Movie Guy, whoever you think you are.
00:50:30These are good kids.
00:50:31The last thing we need is some wannabe biker fag coming around here and screwing things up.
00:50:37And you smoke?
00:50:39Oh, yeah.
00:50:40A lot?
00:50:41Yeah, I go through maybe two, three liners a day.
00:50:45Hey, close kids.
00:50:49The coach gets angry too much at us.
00:50:51Yeah, we don't really like him.
00:50:53He's a loser.
00:50:54I hate him.
00:50:55Anderson, put that hustler down and give me 20.
00:50:58I don't think that kid can do push-ups right now.
00:51:00Listen, this isn't healthy.
00:51:02What are you talking about, this isn't healthy?
00:51:05These kids are okay, you butt lick.
00:51:07Ode to the K.
00:51:09So why don't you take your handlebar mustache and ride it back to Frisco, you big homo?
00:51:23Hey, time's up.
00:51:24Get your fat asses inside.
00:51:25I want pizza.
00:51:26I want pizza.
00:51:27I want pizza.
00:51:28I want pizza.
00:51:29I want pizza.
00:51:30I want pizza.
00:51:31I want pizza.
00:51:32I want pizza.
00:51:33I want pizza.
00:51:34I want pizza! I want pizza!
00:51:38I want pizza!
00:51:40Don't eat no pizza!
00:51:42I want pizza!
00:51:46Does the public even realize what's in a sack of Jack's?
00:51:50I mean, we know that Jack targets the kids, but what about us, the adults?
00:51:55So I went in search of a nutritional fact sheet at Jack's.
00:51:58Hey, can I get a Jack's fact sheet at Jack's?
00:52:04Do you have a Jack's fact sheet?
00:52:07A who?
00:52:08Nutritional information sheet.
00:52:10Oh, I didn't know we don't.
00:52:12Does your food have hormones in it?
00:52:14I can't either. What happened to you?
00:52:17Hi, can I get a nutrition sheet?
00:52:20What you want to know?
00:52:21Want to know what's in Jack's food?
00:52:23Shit.
00:52:25Toll-nail clip bands, roaches, all kinds of nasty-ass shit.
00:52:29Well, you can see that Jack likes to hide the facts.
00:52:32I couldn't find one lousy nutrition sheet anywhere.
00:52:36Too many calories! I'm trying to...
00:52:39This is where the calories go!
00:52:41So, in summation, as you can see from the charts,
00:52:44your company's profits have been in a sharp decline much of the past year,
00:52:47except for a very small spike here...
00:52:49What happened there?
00:52:50Well, that's when your rival, Ronald McDoodle, was found dead lying on the pavement.
00:52:55Now listen, the point is this. Jack's is very image-challenged, but that is why I'm here.
00:53:01I'm going to help Jack's evoke a new, public-friendly image.
00:53:05Listen, sugar-ass! I find the last public to try to fix my image!
00:53:10Jack, wake up and smell the poon tang.
00:53:13Oh!
00:53:14Bad press is murder in this business.
00:53:16Why, just the other night, I saw some drop-out film school fag on the orca show
00:53:20talking about how bad your food was for people to eat.
00:53:23I don't watch that shitty show!
00:53:25What you need is damage control.
00:53:27B.S. What we need is a new sandwich. Jack, you care to do the honors?
00:53:32Have a seat, Sally!
00:53:34It's Sheila.
00:53:35Oh, whatever.
00:53:36Are you ready out there, Roxy?
00:53:38Introducing the new...
00:53:41Jack Rabbit Burger!
00:53:45Rabbit meat? Are you serious?
00:53:50It's lean, it's abundant.
00:53:52It's cheap!
00:53:54No way, you guys. The public will freak.
00:53:56Listen, Shirley!
00:53:58It's Sheila!
00:53:59Whatever!
00:54:00Whatever!
00:54:01She hasn't even heard the slogan yet.
00:54:04Alright, well, let's hear it.
00:54:06The new Jack Rabbit Burger.
00:54:09This time you'll be glad the rabbit died.
00:54:12Yes!
00:54:14And this is your solution.
00:54:16Pumping toxic hormones into little bunny burgers?
00:54:19I'd rather be pumping that bunny.
00:54:22That could be arranged!
00:54:24And you got an awful big bush trying to come in here and turn our business sideways.
00:54:30No shit!
00:54:31Speaking of bush, I'd like to sink my teeth into that pelt.
00:54:35Yeah.
00:54:36Done!
00:54:37For your information, boys, I happen to have a degree in marketing and advertising.
00:54:42I can't believe it.
00:54:44What, that I have a degree?
00:54:46No, that you're still here.
00:54:48Listen, dammit.
00:54:50Give us the meeting alone here, Roxy!
00:54:53And leave the burger!
00:54:54I want Miss Fang here to take a bite!
00:54:57Hey, now come on!
00:54:59Show us those bunny breaths!
00:55:01Ka-pow!
00:55:02High five!
00:55:03That is it!
00:55:04I have had enough with both of you!
00:55:07Oh, chill, Cheryl.
00:55:08For the last time, it's Sheila, dick breath!
00:55:10And I've got the floor now.
00:55:11As for you, you big, ball-headed, egotistical, or should I say testicle, sad excuse for a circus clown!
00:55:28Go ahead and run your company to the ground.
00:55:30See if I care!
00:55:31The worst that's gonna happen is people might actually live a little bit longer!
00:55:35I must have been smoking crack to think I could work with a couple of shit-licks like you!
00:55:39Now, wait a minute.
00:55:40We were just, uh, razzing you a little.
00:55:43Suck my tit.
00:55:46High five!
00:55:55Hey, can I get the, uh, bumper-carb bacon biscuit and the ponytail potato pieces?
00:56:13Mmm!
00:56:14The last time I saw this much trash was at my family reunion!
00:56:18The last time I saw this much trash was at my family reunion!
00:56:23Yeah, I know it's only eight in the morning, so I'm drinking a goddamn beer!
00:56:28Get over it!
00:56:29Ah!
00:56:30Ah!
00:56:31Ah!
00:56:32Ah!
00:56:33Ah!
00:56:34Ah!
00:56:35Ah!
00:56:36Ah!
00:56:37Ah!
00:56:38Oh!
00:56:39Ah!
00:56:40Ah!
00:56:41Ah!
00:56:42Ah!
00:56:43Ah!
00:56:44Ah!
00:56:45Ah!
00:56:46Ah!
00:56:47I don't know, man. I don't know if it's worth it.
00:56:52My body's a wreck.
00:56:55Then I got my first period.
00:56:59That was a nightmare.
00:57:04What the hell have I done?
00:57:07Fuck.
00:57:09So, you've been really down in the dumps, huh?
00:57:14Yeah.
00:57:14Well, if it's any consolation, I must say that your jugs look fabulous.
00:57:21Thanks. That's a push-up bra.
00:57:25I have a chart here.
00:57:27I'm afraid the results aren't good.
00:57:31Moron, do you want to end up a big, fat, bloated pig with a hog's face and an elephant's ass?
00:57:41Oh, hey, honey. I was just talking about you.
00:57:44One second. It's my wife.
00:57:47And there's only one item on Jack's menu that doesn't contain sugar or hormones.
00:57:51It's the water.
00:57:53Jack's Secret Circus Water.
00:57:59Some Jack's restaurants offer salads to appease the critics.
00:58:02But the roughage is genetically modified and about as appetizing as, well, you get it.
00:58:08Up on up there.
00:58:11I'm feeling a little bloated.
00:58:13You look radiant.
00:58:15Get up there.
00:58:20See, it's only two pounds.
00:58:22And I bet you that's all booby.
00:58:24Hey, aren't you going to buy me dinner first?
00:58:26Man, this stuff's like crack.
00:58:39I was feeling horrible.
00:58:42But once I got some Jack's in me, I was feeling alive again.
00:58:46Well, honey, give me a beer.
00:59:02Hey, get out of here, man.
00:59:03I'm trying to back one out.
00:59:04Oh, mommy, I'm so scared.
00:59:10Sing me that little song you used to sing me when I was five.
00:59:14Oh, you big, fat pussy.
00:59:15Suck it up.
00:59:16The next thing you're going to tell me is you're growing tits.
00:59:19As you can see, I now crave Jack's food all the time.
00:59:38In fact, I've been having strange cravings a lot lately.
00:59:41I hope that weirdo I met behind the homeless shelter didn't knock me up.
00:59:45Not to mention, I've gained quite a few pounds and spouted some decent melons.
00:59:53And my favorite part of the day, laying around, eating Jack's, watching my tits grow.
01:00:05Good time.
01:00:08So we enlisted a couple of nutritionists to call Jack's headquarters
01:00:13and see if they could recommend any healthy items off their menu.
01:00:17So how often do you recommend eating at Jack's?
01:00:20That depends.
01:00:21How long do you want to live?
01:00:23And what's the healthiest item I can eat at a Jack's restaurant?
01:00:27Probably the napkins.
01:00:30But how could I have a tumor?
01:00:32I've only had them for a couple of weeks.
01:00:35I keep trying to tell you it's Jack's crappy food.
01:00:38A man your age should be having a vasectomy, not a mastectomy.
01:00:43So you want to hear the good news?
01:00:45Sure.
01:00:46We only have to remove one.
01:00:49Oh, great.
01:00:50So now I'm going to be running around town with just one tit swinging?
01:00:53Moron, don't worry.
01:00:54It's a fairly simple procedure that I've performed on at least half a dozen farm animals.
01:01:00Come on, don't be a pussy.
01:01:01Yeah, I was just getting attached to that thing.
01:01:21Oh, man.
01:01:39I'm having hot flashes.
01:01:42I just soiled the bed.
01:01:44It's like two in the morning.
01:01:48Oh, boy.
01:01:49My bandages need changing.
01:01:50And I think I've finally hit rock bottom.
01:02:03I just need a cheeseburger.
01:02:20Screw your life up.
01:02:28Your body officially hates you.
01:02:30Stop this before you die.
01:02:34Gina, get your big butt in here and give me some coffee.
01:02:39Hmm?
01:02:41Yeah, I'm really scared.
01:02:42I can't remember ever feeling this bad.
01:02:46Except that time you wanted to experiment and that vibrator knocked out all my teeth.
01:02:52Thanks, honey.
01:02:53I love you, too.
01:02:54Go, go, go, go.
01:02:54All right.
01:02:55Goodbye.
01:02:56Goodbye.
01:03:04Oh, no.
01:03:05Years ago, I took an oath to look out for the best interest of my patients.
01:03:12Do you know, I've been asking myself if I am indeed doing that.
01:03:18See, moron doesn't have any friends.
01:03:25Except for maybe his old gutter slut mother.
01:03:29And she's been in and out of jail throughout most of his pathetic life.
01:03:33And I think this whole experiment is a result of many years of pain and neglect.
01:03:59Poor moron.
01:04:00Those who risk everything usually don't have much to live for.
01:04:24As soon as I got out of San Quentin, the very first bus stop was right here.
01:04:28So I got out and took a crap.
01:04:32Right there.
01:04:34So I came over to the counter and experienced my very first Big Top Burger.
01:04:38Last year, I ate 2,148 burgers.
01:04:42I think I hold the world's record.
01:04:45You ever run out of money and get a Big Top Jones?
01:04:48Da, hell no.
01:04:49One trip to the men's room, I can make 20 bucks.
01:04:51Same room I crapped in 10 years ago.
01:04:55Call it fate.
01:04:57Wow.
01:04:57Big Top Burger number 20,000.
01:05:01Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho.
01:05:02Unreal.
01:05:02Thanks a lot, Don.
01:05:15Hey, you want to make a quick 20 bucks?
01:05:17My artwork is all about Jack.
01:05:28He fascinates me.
01:05:29I spent hours on this masterpiece.
01:05:33Nice.
01:05:33This is me.
01:05:37And this is Jack holding a sword.
01:05:40He has me chained up so that I'll eat all the crumbs off his dirty floor.
01:05:45Very nice.
01:05:46This one.
01:05:48Jack is bitch slapping me to kingdom come
01:05:52because I spilled a jar of scalding hot mayonnaise all over his lap.
01:05:58Cool.
01:05:59Cool.
01:06:00Oh, shit.
01:06:03This one's not finished yet.
01:06:08Put Jack on the bone, I said.
01:06:10Sorry, pal.
01:06:11He went bowling.
01:06:13Well, you told him the jig is up.
01:06:15Screw you.
01:06:16Screw you, too.
01:06:18I mean, this is hard for me to do.
01:06:21I mean, people need to know about Jacks.
01:06:23They need to know the truth.
01:06:26See?
01:06:26Back in college, we used to eat at Jacks all the time.
01:06:30Who knew?
01:06:33Who knew?
01:06:34Well, I gotta go.
01:06:35It's time for my self-breast exam.
01:06:36I do one every hour.
01:06:38You know, you can never be too careful.
01:06:41Yeah, we traced the calls back to his trailer.
01:06:44No shit!
01:06:51Hey, moron!
01:06:52Whoa!
01:06:53You're bucking up the wrong bush, queer bait!
01:06:56Easy, Jack.
01:06:57What are you talking about?
01:06:58The TV shows!
01:06:59The phone calls!
01:07:00That wasn't me.
01:07:01I don't even know your number.
01:07:03Well, I got yours, punk!
01:07:05And if I got one more report of you snooping around,
01:07:08I'll make panties out of your ass!
01:07:11And soda out of your piss!
01:07:13Actually, he is one of our better dancers.
01:07:38I'm crazy for Jack!
01:07:45I love Jack!
01:07:52I'm crazy for Jack!
01:08:02I got Jack!
01:08:05Jack!
01:08:12Jack rules!
01:08:14Do you know where Jack's headquarters is?
01:08:16No, he's always in an office in his commercials.
01:08:18I don't know where he is.
01:08:19Is this in San Diego?
01:08:20I don't know where he is.
01:08:21Yeah.
01:08:23Up the road, hang a left,
01:08:25follow the trail of dead animals.
01:08:29So now we have what are called jackheads.
01:08:31These people that'll do just about anything
01:08:33to wolf down that next bite.
01:08:35I mean, just the other week,
01:08:36I heard of these kids in Iowa
01:08:38that stabbed a Jack's employee in the neck
01:08:40with a sharpened corndog stick.
01:08:43Jack attacks.
01:08:44Not a pretty sight.
01:08:46Jackheads are popping up everywhere these days.
01:08:48It's pretty scary.
01:08:50And no one really knows
01:08:51the long-term effects of Jack's food.
01:08:53When these hormones saturate our brain functions,
01:08:56they confuse the neurotransmitters,
01:08:58causing severe mental derangement,
01:09:00mood swings, and anxiety.
01:09:03In other words,
01:09:04it'll make you crazier than a cross-eyed crack whore.
01:09:07Yeah, I was strung out on jacks for years.
01:09:25But I still think about all the people I hurt
01:09:27when I was high on jacks.
01:09:29My friends.
01:09:30My old ladies.
01:09:31I fractured my grandma's skull
01:09:35with a chain off a minibike,
01:09:37for crying out loud.
01:09:39Well, actually,
01:09:40she kind of deserves it.
01:09:42She took some of my fries.
01:09:44Without asking.
01:09:52Listen to me!
01:09:53Now you listen to me!
01:09:54Now you listen to me!
01:09:55I'm here with you!
01:09:57Every day is the same thing!
01:09:59You get up!
01:09:59You wash your ass!
01:10:01You're a used to stick!
01:10:03My last company gave me a restraining order
01:10:05to stay off their property, see?
01:10:07But I'm their only son.
01:10:09My daddy Jack's a deadbeat.
01:10:11He says I'm not his.
01:10:12I'm not his.
01:10:14Then why do I look just like him, huh?
01:10:16Huh?
01:10:16Huh?
01:10:17Huh?
01:10:22My favorite song is Pastor I'll Muppet.
01:10:25It goes a little bit like this.
01:10:26I'm a little bit like this.
01:10:28I'm a little bit like this.
01:10:29I'm a little bit like this.
01:10:30Give me that bucket.
01:10:32I ain't ready to run!
01:10:34Down, down, down.
01:10:35You got a baby.
01:10:39Give me that to Sam Goddard.
01:10:41Give me that to Sam Goddard.
01:10:42Give me that to Sam Goddard.
01:10:43Give me that money!
01:10:44I wanna come!
01:10:49I said I thought the hell I did it.
01:10:52What the hell?
01:11:05I'm here to speak to Jack.
01:11:06Sorry, I can't help you.
01:11:08Come on, you sure you can't let me see him?
01:11:10No, sorry, nothing I can do.
01:11:12Sure about that?
01:11:13Yeah, sorry, I can't help you. You need to get out of here.
01:11:15Sure there isn't something I can do?
01:11:17Nothing that comes to mind.
01:11:18Yeah.
01:11:22I've finally done it. I got past security.
01:11:39Where's Jack?
01:11:40Let me call you right back.
01:11:42Who the hell are you?
01:11:44I'm your company's worst fear.
01:11:47The FDA?
01:11:48No, I'm making a movie about the damage that your company does to America.
01:11:53So what do you want to know?
01:11:55Let's start with the simple questions first.
01:11:58Okay.
01:12:00How would you describe Jack's food?
01:12:04Bow packing?
01:12:06I have something I want to show you.
01:12:07Hey, hey, hey, I'm married.
01:12:10Holy cyclops kid.
01:12:12What do you have to say about this?
01:12:14Where do you shop for bras?
01:12:18This is from the hormones in your fat-ridden food.
01:12:21Hogwash!
01:12:22Fat-ridden?
01:12:23We have a lot of low-calorie items on our menu.
01:12:26Do you even know what a calorie is?
01:12:28A calorie?
01:12:30Yeah, calorie.
01:12:32Starts with a C and S.
01:12:36Gladys!
01:12:37Find out what a calorie is.
01:12:39So, how did such an imbecile get a job like this?
01:12:44Well, Time Sanitation Department really wasn't hiring.
01:12:49Well, it's no secret.
01:12:50You used to work for your competitors, McDoodles.
01:12:55Well, okay, okay, you got me.
01:12:58They let me go, but it could have happened to anybody.
01:13:02Why?
01:13:03Money laundering, fraud, embezzlement, sexual harassment.
01:13:07They dropped that one.
01:13:10I gotta go.
01:13:12Well, if you're waiting on the food channel, they're not coming.
01:13:15Our food is an icon of health.
01:13:18Come in, come in.
01:13:20Just a second.
01:13:22Sorry, Mr. Singer.
01:13:23We finished making patties.
01:13:25Our hands are kidding us.
01:13:26Can we take a break?
01:13:28Okay, take 20 minutes, but put down 30.
01:13:32All right.
01:13:33Okay.
01:13:33Uh, wait.
01:13:35Do you guys know what a calorie is?
01:13:37No.
01:13:38No.
01:13:39Huh.
01:13:40Okay.
01:13:41You can go.
01:13:43It's a miracle these guys are even alive.
01:13:46Huh.
01:13:47It's a miracle they even speak English.
01:13:50Did you know Jack hires illegal aliens?
01:13:53No, come for that, Dan.
01:13:54Hey, come back here.
01:13:55Come English.
01:13:56Come here.
01:13:56I mean, how do you sleep at night?
01:13:58Usually in the nude.
01:14:00Uh, I gotta go.
01:14:02I have an appointment.
01:14:03Uh, so pack your shit and bounce.
01:14:06Honky.
01:14:07Bounce.
01:14:08Rock.
01:14:09Ooh.
01:14:09I just wanna know what this is making.
01:14:11We're gonna.
01:14:12Touch.
01:14:13Rock.
01:14:14Move.
01:14:14Why do you think there's no fast food joints in Beverly Hills?
01:14:17Because I think people in Beverly Hills are really snotty, and they wouldn't go to a fast food.
01:14:22They could afford something more expensive, and so that's probably where they go.
01:14:25Man, they ain't got no jack shacks in the 2-1-0.
01:14:29They don't even feed that shit to their pets.
01:14:37Just one more day to go.
01:14:41As I reflect back on my experience, I just wonder, was it all worth it?
01:14:49Come on, morons.
01:15:04One more day to go.
01:15:06Let's see how much you gain.
01:15:09Wow.
01:15:10You look good in diapers.
01:15:12Will that complete your order, or would you like something else today, sir?
01:15:34Yeah, and a sideshow salad.
01:15:37Hey, motherfuckers, give me some change.
01:15:39Oh, yeah, hold on.
01:15:39Um, I want to say give me some change, Beckerwood.
01:15:42One second.
01:15:43Yeah, jack me.
01:15:44Hey, one-titty motherfucker, I'm going to jack me right now.
01:15:47Jack me!
01:15:49Jack me!
01:15:51Jack me!
01:15:54Jack me!
01:15:57Jack me!
01:16:00Jack me!
01:16:03Fuck this.
01:16:06Come on, Jack.
01:16:07It's time to take this guy out.
01:16:08What's the problem?
01:16:08The problem is, he's my best customer.
01:16:11Jack, let me have one.
01:16:14I got this dick.
01:16:16Wait a minute, that sounds a little weird.
01:16:19I know what you mean.
01:16:20Well, this is it, the final test.
01:16:35Over the course of 30 days, I gained 28 pounds, puked my guts out, grew knockers, had one removed,
01:16:43shit a river of jacked, shit a river of jack juice, fashioned a diaper, got my ass kicked and carjacked, only one more meal to go.
01:16:52Hey, I'll fit it.
01:17:17Hey, what's wrong with you, boy?
01:17:18I think you look like you're having a bad life.
01:17:19I guess so.
01:17:20What do you mean you guess so?
01:17:21Hey, how would you feel about getting naked and watching Chuck Norris movies?
01:17:22Huh?
01:17:23What's wrong with you, boy?
01:17:24I think you look like you're having a bad life.
01:17:25I guess so.
01:17:26What do you mean you guess so?
01:17:27What do you mean you guess so?
01:17:28Hey, how would you feel about getting naked and watching Chuck Norris movies?
01:17:29Huh?
01:17:30Son?
01:17:31Son?
01:17:32I ain't gonna know me anyway.
01:17:33Get your ass back in here, boy.
01:17:34I need to talk to you.
01:17:35Ah!
01:17:36Ah!
01:17:37Ah!
01:17:38Ah!
01:17:39Ah!
01:17:40Ah!
01:17:41Ah!
01:17:42Ah!
01:17:43Ah!
01:17:44Ah!
01:17:45Ah!
01:17:46Ah!
01:17:47Ah!
01:17:48Ah!
01:17:49Ah!
01:17:50Ah!
01:17:51Ah!
01:17:52Ah!
01:17:53Ah!
01:17:54Ah!
01:17:55Ah!
01:17:56Ah!
01:17:57Ah!
01:18:11Ah!
01:18:14Where is that dildo?!
01:18:18Ah!
01:18:19Ah!
01:18:20Say goodbye moron!
01:18:22What happened to him, man?
01:18:37Hey, look, it's Jack.
01:18:40Hey, what happened?
01:18:42I don't know, man.
01:18:43He just keeled over.
01:18:44Well, God, it must have been something he ate.
01:18:47He almost made it.
01:18:52Oh, shit, I've forgotten my Bible.
01:19:22Does anyone have a Bible handy?
01:19:28Come on, Father, let's get this over with.
01:19:31Really, man, I gotta take a crap.
01:19:36Moron was a good man.
01:19:38With lots of friends.
01:19:41Yeah, right.
01:19:41You're one funny guy, Doc.
01:19:47Let's blow this graveyard and go get loaded.
01:19:50Oh, doctor, you put the fun in funeral.
01:19:58I guess he won't be needing you anymore.
01:20:01有沒有.
01:20:11Oh, God.
01:20:12Oh.
01:20:18Oh.
01:20:23Oh.
01:20:24Oh.
01:20:24Oh.
01:20:25A lot of garage home, Jack.
01:20:37Jack Bray.
01:20:51Jack Bray.
01:20:55Jack Bane!
01:20:58Jack Bane!
01:21:01Jack Bane!
01:21:04Jack Bane!
01:21:25Jack Bane!
01:21:27Jack Bane!
01:21:29Jack Bane!
01:21:31Jack Bane!
01:21:33Jack Bane!
01:21:35Jack Bane!
01:21:37Jack Bane!
01:21:39Jack Bane!
01:21:41Jack Bane!
01:21:43Jack Bane!
01:21:45Jack Bane!
01:21:47Jack Bane!
01:21:49Jack Bane!
01:21:51Jack Bane!
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