- 2 days ago
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00:00:00Welcome to the most uncomfortable night of your life.
00:00:03One, two, four.
00:00:30Chow.
00:01:00All right.
00:01:01That lasted a long time.
00:01:02Thank you guys so much.
00:01:04Hello to everybody.
00:01:05Welcome to the Chris Gethard Show.
00:01:06I'm Chris Gethard.
00:01:07We want to say hi to everybody watching on cable in Manhattan.
00:01:10Everybody watching online at the chrisgethardshow.com.
00:01:13Let your friends know that the show's on.
00:01:14Get on your Twitter, your Facebook.
00:01:15Let people know that we're out there.
00:01:17Because you'll want to be watching this hour of live nonsense.
00:01:20I couldn't publicize what this show was.
00:01:23Because it's going to be a very, very uncomfortable, very violent night.
00:01:27So we want to thank everyone for being here.
00:01:30As you may notice, usually we have our studio audience seated on the floor.
00:01:33Tonight, they are asked to sit in chairs for safety safety.
00:01:37That's when that's going to happen.
00:01:39So I think what we should do is, everybody who knows what's going on should probably take your positions.
00:01:46Everybody who doesn't should just stay here so that I can talk to them.
00:01:53Come on down here.
00:01:55We're going to do our introduction service.
00:01:59Come back later.
00:02:00So Random Andrew, how are you?
00:02:02Like, I'm shitting myself.
00:02:04You've been nervous?
00:02:05You've been nervous all?
00:02:05I've been nervous since I had to wait out there.
00:02:08I came early today, so I had to wait out later.
00:02:11Yes, we sent people to distract you.
00:02:12Because Random Andrew, here's what's going on.
00:02:14You've taken a lot of shit on this show.
00:02:17Is that fair?
00:02:18Yeah.
00:02:18You have.
00:02:19People call up.
00:02:20They're like, I want that kid to die.
00:02:22I hope he suffocates and shit.
00:02:24People have said shit like this, right?
00:02:26Death threats.
00:02:27That's the worst team you've ever seen.
00:02:28And I will say, I don't get it.
00:02:30You're a nice guy.
00:02:32You're a really nice dude.
00:02:33And we do talk, right?
00:02:34We talk after shows.
00:02:35Yeah, we do.
00:02:36I don't get it.
00:02:36Last week you were like playing.
00:02:37People think you actually hate me too.
00:02:39Yeah.
00:02:39Somebody made an anonymous Twitter account this week was like, leave him alone.
00:02:43And I was like, dude, neither one of us understands why this happens.
00:02:47Yeah, I don't know.
00:02:48But here's the thing.
00:02:49Last week you started to play with the idea of, you were talking a little shit.
00:02:53Maybe you'll be the villain in the show.
00:02:54Maybe you'll just embrace it.
00:02:55So then those of us who organized the show, well, no, no, no.
00:02:58It's a valid choice.
00:02:59So those of us talking about the show, we were like, you know, the Random Andrew stuff,
00:03:04it's gone too far.
00:03:05Some really mean things have been said to you.
00:03:07That's not what we're about here at the show.
00:03:09But what we need is something, because the public opinion is against you.
00:03:13So what we have designed is an event where tonight, Random Andrew, you are going to decide,
00:03:18you're going to prove once and for all, if you are the villain of the Chris Gethardt show,
00:03:22or if you are ready to step up and be the hero of the Chris Gethardt show.
00:03:27I'm the hero that will be born.
00:03:28You are the hero that may be born.
00:03:31Because tonight, Random Andrew, you and I shall try to survive the gauntlet of pain.
00:03:39Random Andrew, here's a interview of being good-looking, ambitious and smart.
00:03:46But it's the death of the Newfound Andrews.
00:03:49Today we'll find out just what you're made of.
00:03:53Well, come on in, let's step it up.
00:04:01We got a plan to fuck you up.
00:04:04Are you a hero?
00:04:05Are you a tool?
00:04:06Well, Andrew, welcome to the gauntlet of pain.
00:04:09Pain!
00:04:10Pain!
00:04:10Pain!
00:04:11Gauntlet of pain.
00:04:12Pain!
00:04:12Pain!
00:04:13Pain!
00:04:13Gauntlet of pain.
00:04:14Pain!
00:04:15Pain!
00:04:15Pain!
00:04:16All right.
00:04:21So, Random Andrew, you're cheering the song that said specifically,
00:04:25Tonight we are going to fuck you up.
00:04:27In reference to you.
00:04:28As you can see, Drew has handcuffed my right arm to the crossbar of this chair.
00:04:34He's currently making sure my ankles are handcuffed together.
00:04:36I can't move.
00:04:38All I have is my left arm.
00:04:40Random Andrew, tonight, here's what the show is.
00:04:42Me and you, for an hour, taking calls.
00:04:46People can call up, talk about whatever you want tonight.
00:04:48212-757-1393.
00:04:51That's 212-757-1393.
00:04:54Am I standing?
00:04:54You are standing, and here's why.
00:04:56Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:04:57Why don't you give us a call?
00:04:59Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:05:01Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:05:03Why don't you give us a call?
00:05:04Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:05:07So, Random Andrew, here's why you're standing.
00:05:09Periodically throughout the show, people from the show who you know,
00:05:12some of whom just got up and walked away,
00:05:14you will hear a vuvuzela blare.
00:05:16Those people are going to run, come from who knows where.
00:05:20I don't even know who's in on this.
00:05:21I don't know what they're planning on doing.
00:05:23They are going to physically attack me tonight.
00:05:26Oh, you?
00:05:27Attack me.
00:05:28And here's where the crossroads comes for you.
00:05:31If you want to be the villain of the show,
00:05:33you can abandon a handcuffed man
00:05:35and let him get beat up for an hour.
00:05:37But if you want to be the hero,
00:05:39you're the only one who can defend me tonight.
00:05:41And if you want to be a hero,
00:05:42you have to stop all these assailants from getting to me.
00:05:45I could fight them back?
00:05:46Yeah, you're allowed to...
00:05:47Even Bethany?
00:05:47I don't think Beth...
00:05:48If you fight Bethany, you are the villain.
00:05:50Yeah, seriously.
00:05:51The fact that that's your first question,
00:05:53can I fight Bethany,
00:05:54is why you get yelled at.
00:05:55I'm shocked that that would be a situation.
00:05:58Only the people who come at you
00:05:59and periodically the human fish will appear
00:06:01and he will have a fishing pole.
00:06:04Hanging from that fishing pole will be an envelope.
00:06:06And if you get that envelope,
00:06:07there will be something inside it
00:06:08that can help us in our quest to survive this night.
00:06:10So, how do I get it off?
00:06:11You have to fight everybody
00:06:13who has thus far appeared on the show.
00:06:15You have to try to get to it.
00:06:16So I don't know what you want to do.
00:06:17You can bail out at any given time.
00:06:19If you decide, fuck it, I'll be the villain,
00:06:22then they can call up the rest of your time
00:06:23you're on the show.
00:06:24You can say whatever they want to you.
00:06:25But if you stand by my side tonight,
00:06:27I promise you personally,
00:06:28no one talks shit to you for the rest of the time
00:06:31you're on the show.
00:06:31You can guarantee that nobody will talk shit?
00:06:34If anybody tries,
00:06:35I personally will step up,
00:06:36shut them down,
00:06:37and have your back way harder than I already have.
00:06:39Which has been really not at all.
00:06:42Yeah, not at all.
00:06:43So they're going to come attack you.
00:06:44I have to defend you by attacking them back.
00:06:47As you can see,
00:06:47we have built an arena to fight in.
00:06:50Now, if I defend you by attacking them,
00:06:53they're also going to attack me.
00:06:54Yes.
00:06:54How do I win the fight?
00:06:55They can only attack,
00:06:56I think it's for 40 seconds at a time.
00:06:58They have weapons, though.
00:07:00Anyway, think about it.
00:07:02If you want to bail on me and be the villain,
00:07:03you just walk away.
00:07:04If you want to stay the hero,
00:07:05when people come, they come.
00:07:06As far as right now,
00:07:07let's go to the phones.
00:07:08Tell them what the phone topic is.
00:07:10Oh, really what we want to hear tonight.
00:07:12We don't have a pre-set phone topic.
00:07:13Talk about whatever you want to talk about.
00:07:16And throughout the night,
00:07:17if your opinions of Random Andrew are changing,
00:07:19and if you want to root he and I on,
00:07:20we want to hear that.
00:07:21Especially you Random Andrew detractors.
00:07:23If he steps up and proves himself
00:07:24one way or the other tonight,
00:07:26call up and voice your opinion.
00:07:27But tonight, these opinions will be valid.
00:07:28Because up until now,
00:07:29people have been too mean to Random Andrew.
00:07:31Yeah, my mom's been getting really upset.
00:07:32Yeah, I can imagine, man.
00:07:33I can imagine.
00:07:35You won a contest to be on a show,
00:07:37and then people have been saying
00:07:37they want to kill you every week.
00:07:39Oh, shit.
00:07:42It's Murph.
00:07:42It's Murph.
00:07:43It's Murph.
00:07:43Will he stay or will he stay?
00:07:47It's shit.
00:07:48You are the hero.
00:07:49Andrew is coming to my aid.
00:07:51Andrew is coming to my aid.
00:07:53You will not keep him.
00:07:55You will not keep Chris.
00:07:58Hey, hey, hey.
00:08:00Hey, hey, hey.
00:08:02Help me, Andrew.
00:08:09He's doing it.
00:08:10He's doing it.
00:08:11He's doing it.
00:08:12He's helping me.
00:08:14All right.
00:08:16All right.
00:08:18So you're in.
00:08:19Chris, the camera.
00:08:21Say it to camera, Random Andrew.
00:08:22I'm in.
00:08:23All right.
00:08:25Andrew, you and me are in this together
00:08:27in about 58 more fucking minutes.
00:08:29Are they allowed to come back?
00:08:31Dude, they're going to come back.
00:08:32Now, anybody you see,
00:08:33when the fish appears,
00:08:34you've got to get that envelope
00:08:35because there's things inside that will help us.
00:08:36I don't even know what they are,
00:08:37but I've guaranteed if you can get
00:08:38to the human fish's envelope
00:08:39when he appears, do that.
00:08:40Caller, we want to hear from you.
00:08:42Do we have any callers on the line right now?
00:08:46Caller, are you there?
00:08:48Hello?
00:08:48Yes, you.
00:08:49Who just spoke?
00:08:50Yeah, this is Gene.
00:08:51Gene.
00:08:51Random Gene.
00:08:52We never made you do this shit.
00:08:55Yeah, this is Random Gene.
00:08:56Yeah, can we turn up the phone line a little bit?
00:08:59Oh, okay.
00:09:00Hold on.
00:09:00Um, can you hear me now?
00:09:03I meant on our end, Gene.
00:09:06So, Gene, what's going on?
00:09:08Oh, nothing.
00:09:09I just think it's really, really funny,
00:09:10and I don't know why everybody's mean to Random Andrew.
00:09:14I don't get it.
00:09:15You always supported Random Andrew.
00:09:20Yeah, I actually thought he was good-looking,
00:09:24so that's why I was like,
00:09:25oh, he sure replaced me.
00:09:26Random Gene always found Random Andrew very good-looking.
00:09:28Yeah, me and Random Gene are good friends.
00:09:30There you go.
00:09:31Yeah, Random Gene is the best.
00:09:32Like, I know I can't replace Random Gene.
00:09:34That's not why I'm here.
00:09:35God damn, that was so funny.
00:09:37I need you to have my back, man.
00:09:38You're young.
00:09:39You need to get that energy back up,
00:09:40because you see, do you look?
00:09:42I mean, the viewers can't see.
00:09:43Look at all the people just lingering back there.
00:09:45I'm watching them.
00:09:45They're like in a gang.
00:09:46Just lingering, yeah.
00:09:47I like how Murph came in,
00:09:48and then it wasn't Murph.
00:09:49It was, yeah.
00:09:50Shannon.
00:09:50It was a misdirect.
00:09:52So, Gene, anything else you want to talk about?
00:09:55Oh, no, I just thought I'd, like, say hi.
00:09:57I'm still moving into my sublet
00:10:00in Port Tarot Hill this week,
00:10:03and I'm going to end my reign of living
00:10:06with all the Twitter employees I know.
00:10:09Okay.
00:10:09Well, that's good.
00:10:10I'm glad things are moving on up, Random Gene.
00:10:14Well, we're going to see.
00:10:15All right, you're welcome.
00:10:16And have a fun, Random Andrew.
00:10:18Thanks, Random Gene.
00:10:19Oh, shit.
00:10:20Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
00:10:22Oh, it's the fish.
00:10:23Get them up.
00:10:24No, who is this?
00:10:25Who is this?
00:10:26I don't even know who that is.
00:10:28Oh, my God, this is so scary.
00:10:31This is such a bad idea.
00:10:32Hey, hey, hey.
00:10:34Oh, my God.
00:10:35Hey, hey, hey.
00:10:35Who is it?
00:10:36Who is that?
00:10:37Hey, hey, hey.
00:10:39Hey, hey, hey.
00:10:42Hey, what is that?
00:10:43Oh, my God.
00:10:44Oh, my God, the horn sounded.
00:10:45The horn sounded.
00:10:46That was the scariest.
00:10:49He got the envelope?
00:10:51No, I have something.
00:10:51You got it?
00:10:53The foot shackles broke.
00:10:54I'm almost free.
00:10:57The foot shackles broke.
00:10:59Who the fuck was that?
00:11:01What does it say?
00:11:02I took off the mask, but he got away before we could have a film.
00:11:04Okay, so adoring crowd, you may choose someone in the audience to aid you in this battling quest.
00:11:10Okay, someone's going to...
00:11:12No, no, no, all these people are cheering.
00:11:14You have to fight for an hour.
00:11:16Guys, this is going for one.
00:11:18You probably just for one battle.
00:11:19For one round?
00:11:20Dude, Jesse will do it.
00:11:22Jesse's a Rutgers guy, man.
00:11:23Jesse's a Rutgers guy.
00:11:24Trust him, but it's your pick, Randy.
00:11:26I'm the meanest.
00:11:26Oh, sorry.
00:11:27Jackie was the meanest to you.
00:11:28Jackie and Andrew, back to you.
00:11:29I thought you could cut me off.
00:11:31Random Dan, and I'll support you.
00:11:33Oh, shit.
00:11:34Random Dan.
00:11:35Random Dan.
00:11:36Two of our four Randoms.
00:11:41Welcome back to the show, Random Dan.
00:11:42Great to see you again.
00:11:43Looking good.
00:11:44I also want to give a shout-out to Random Christy.
00:11:45I ran into her the other night, asked her where she's been.
00:11:49She said she's been good, but she has second-degree burns all over her body.
00:11:52I don't know what she meant.
00:11:53She just walked away.
00:11:55So, shout-out, Random Dan.
00:11:56Thank you for helping us for this next round.
00:11:58Let's go ahead.
00:11:59Let's take a call.
00:12:00Caller, you're on the air.
00:12:01Welcome to the show.
00:12:01How can we help you?
00:12:02Caller, you're on the air.
00:12:04Please.
00:12:05Hello?
00:12:05Yeah, just turn on your computer and listen through the phone.
00:12:09Hello?
00:12:10Yes, you.
00:12:10Who is this?
00:12:12Christy?
00:12:13Hey, Christy.
00:12:14How's everything?
00:12:15Good.
00:12:16How are you guys?
00:12:17Pretty good.
00:12:17So, what do you want to talk about tonight?
00:12:20First, I want to say I don't understand why people don't like Random Andrew.
00:12:24I think he's nice.
00:12:25And I'm sitting here actually nervous for you guys because, like, I'm scared for you guys right now.
00:12:31Yeah, me too.
00:12:32No, that guy really was...
00:12:33That masked man charged forth and tried to choke me for real.
00:12:36He was a one-handed choke on me.
00:12:38For real.
00:12:39The person that you didn't...
00:12:41You didn't know who that was?
00:12:42I was freaking out.
00:12:43I was like, oh, that is kind of crazy right now.
00:12:46I think it was a good show.
00:12:47Christy, you're not the only one.
00:12:48I still have no idea who just tried to choke me to death.
00:12:51I still have no idea who just tried to choke me to death.
00:12:54Did you see when the mask came off?
00:12:55He took the mask off and then he looked down and he ran, but he ran away with the envelope and the pole.
00:13:00But thank God you got the clue because now we got Random Dan, man.
00:13:03Random Dan's looking crazy right now.
00:13:05Dan, I'm going to take...
00:13:06That'll work.
00:13:07So if they come in...
00:13:09Now, Random Dan, you also were an Andrew detractor.
00:13:11I was.
00:13:12So how are you feeling now?
00:13:13He's stepped up twice so far.
00:13:14Yeah.
00:13:15By the end of the show, I have a feeling my opinion will change.
00:13:18Okay, so you think this contest is valid.
00:13:20If he steps up, no more anti-random Andrew?
00:13:23Exactly.
00:13:24I mean, I tweeted, I think, three times during Milkshake of Death that he had to drink it.
00:13:28It's funny.
00:13:29We got along really well when we met here and then he got a Twitter that got rough.
00:13:32Yeah.
00:13:33I didn't have Twitter until after that show.
00:13:35Wow, look at that.
00:13:36It got rough, but...
00:13:37And you've used it largely...
00:13:38From one random to another, I respect.
00:13:40I feel so awkward.
00:13:41Oh, shit.
00:13:42Banana man.
00:13:43Banana man.
00:13:45This is for Brian.
00:13:46This is for Brian.
00:13:48This is for Brian.
00:13:49Brian Thompson, dear Christ.
00:13:50Oh, fuck.
00:13:54Hey, hey, hey.
00:13:55Hey, hey, hey.
00:13:58Hey, hey, hey.
00:14:01Hey, hey, hey.
00:14:03Oh, fuck.
00:14:06Oh, man.
00:14:06This is really, for real, man.
00:14:15Band of Dad, thank you so much.
00:14:18Guys, give it a...
00:14:19There's condoms.
00:14:23There's condoms on the Bananas.
00:14:25Now, for people who couldn't see in the melee,
00:14:28Rob Malone and our regular Banana Man both came out,
00:14:32knocked over the set with a flying banana,
00:14:34then Rob Malone ran up, pulled my air,
00:14:37and Banana Man just punched me in the back six times as hard as he could.
00:14:40This is for real, Andrew.
00:14:42If you don't stop them, I'm going to get fucked up.
00:14:46And Don Finnelli hasn't come out yet, and I've never seen it.
00:14:49And he's big, man.
00:14:50He played fucking varsity football.
00:14:53All right, do we have a caller on the line?
00:14:57Caller.
00:15:00No, we have no call. Please call.
00:15:02I just want to say, I would never...
00:15:04Bethany, come out here. Come out here.
00:15:06I just want to say, I would never fight with you.
00:15:10Thank you, Bethany.
00:15:11And I think that I would fight for you.
00:15:13You would?
00:15:14I would. I'm...
00:15:15You know, I'm wearing a skirt.
00:15:16Yeah, and you're very little.
00:15:18I'm very little.
00:15:20But I don't understand violence, and I don't condone it.
00:15:25It is uncomfortable. This is a very uncomfortable night.
00:15:27Well, Bethany, thank you for saying that.
00:15:30Unfortunately, I don't think there's much you can actually do.
00:15:32I don't think so.
00:15:33You can say that all you want, but I don't know how much it actually helps.
00:15:36I'll think about you a lot.
00:15:38Thank you so much.
00:15:38Thank you for your support and your kind words.
00:15:40Bye.
00:15:40Bye.
00:15:40So nice.
00:15:41Bye.
00:15:41She is so nice.
00:15:45Okay, let's go back to the phones.
00:15:46We have a caller on the line.
00:15:47Welcome to the show.
00:15:51Caller.
00:15:51Are you there?
00:15:52Oh, so this show's just going to be fighting.
00:15:58No caller?
00:16:01Are you just listening to the fights?
00:16:05Well, that's maniac behavior.
00:16:05I don't think they want to interrupt.
00:16:07All right.
00:16:08We want everybody to call up.
00:16:09212-757-1393.
00:16:11Let us know how you think Random Andrew's doing.
00:16:13We're trying to actively turn the tide of public opinion back in his favor.
00:16:17He's a real nice guy.
00:16:18A real Jersey guy, which I can always support.
00:16:20212-757-1393.
00:16:24Call us up.
00:16:25Let us know.
00:16:26Noah, what are we doing now?
00:16:27Where should we go?
00:16:28Just keep talking?
00:16:29So now, Andrew, it looks like you and I are just literally sitting here waiting for somebody.
00:16:33What do you want to talk about?
00:16:35I don't know, man.
00:16:35So how's Pace University?
00:16:37What's it like?
00:16:37We honestly have not had many personal conversations.
00:16:40No, we haven't.
00:16:40Pace is good.
00:16:42What year are you?
00:16:43I'm a sophomore.
00:16:43What are you, like 19?
00:16:45Yeah.
00:16:45You're 19?
00:16:46I didn't even know that.
00:16:47Yeah.
00:16:47You're 20 soon and you won a contest and now you have to fight.
00:16:50Like, you just fought people in their 30s.
00:16:52I'm just so scared of Don Finale.
00:16:54You don't even know.
00:16:54Oh, dude.
00:16:54They're saving Don Finale for last, I think.
00:16:58That's good, though.
00:16:59I like...
00:16:59Yeah?
00:17:00Yeah.
00:17:00Now, I got real depressed when I was in school.
00:17:02How are you holding up?
00:17:03I'm good so far.
00:17:05That's good.
00:17:05I'm not at the rough part yet.
00:17:06I like it.
00:17:07Yeah.
00:17:07It's fun.
00:17:08Okay.
00:17:10Yeah.
00:17:12Why?
00:17:13Yeah.
00:17:13You didn't like Ruckers, right?
00:17:14I hated it, man.
00:17:15I don't know why I went there.
00:17:16Oh, our friend actually...
00:17:17I know you've heard the story that he left Pace, a very close friend of a lot of Pace supporters
00:17:21of your show, went to Ruckers and now he's coming back to Pace.
00:17:23Yeah, because Ruckers...
00:17:25Yeah.
00:17:25Maybe I shouldn't have said that.
00:17:26Garbage, man.
00:17:27No, it's fine.
00:17:27No, he's probably keeping it a secret.
00:17:29Oh.
00:17:29It's gone.
00:17:30Okay.
00:17:30Well, yeah, the secret's out.
00:17:32Some guy nobody knows is heading back.
00:17:33He's heading back.
00:17:35All right.
00:17:35Secret's out.
00:17:36Cat's out of the back.
00:17:37Well, listen, Andrew, we have a moment to catch our breaths.
00:17:39We have some very special guests with us tonight.
00:17:41Super psyched to welcome these guys.
00:17:43Joining us all the way from Austin, Texas.
00:17:45They got a show on Friday at Mercury Lounge, Saturday at Glasslands.
00:17:48They have a new album out now.
00:17:49You're going to think it's called live music.
00:17:51It's called live music.
00:17:52Make sure you pick it up.
00:17:53In the meantime, please welcome from Austin, Texas, the one, the only, The Strange Boys!
00:17:59Let's get up and dance!
00:18:26Which one of them were you?
00:18:28Walking two by two, we should go down with you.
00:18:33Walking two by two, I even looked at you.
00:18:39And you know you're worthy of it.
00:18:41And if it doesn't, then you only have to earn it.
00:18:46And if you rush it, then you never deserve it.
00:18:51Trust only what you must because it's true.
00:18:54Scary things.
00:19:23You're a big piece.
00:19:23I'm a dwindle in the morning.
00:19:28Yeah, whatever you need to get some sleep.
00:19:35I'm just gonna have the odds of freedom.
00:19:40What's the problem?
00:19:43Yeah, I read good books were all good
00:19:47And the bad times were shorter
00:19:51The secret were brave for each other
00:19:56Far away from my face
00:20:01I felt that fear stretched before me
00:20:06The vast space of the sovereign glow
00:20:09The vast space of the sovereign glow
00:20:13I'm out, I'm out, I'm out
00:20:15Are they broken?
00:20:18Oh my god
00:20:19Don Finale just broke my glasses on mine
00:20:22Don Finale just broke my glasses
00:20:24No, I know, man, I told you to go hard
00:20:26Let's get a close-up on that
00:20:29I'm sorry, no, no, I shouldn't have let that happen
00:20:33No, that's okay
00:20:37I'll get your glasses
00:20:38Shannon, stop mocking me
00:20:42Look at that, random Andrew, this is not your fault, man
00:20:48This is not your fault, yeah
00:20:49Alright, I don't want to break your glasses
00:20:50I have to drive home tonight
00:20:52I just thought of that
00:20:55We'll figure all that out along the way
00:20:58Alright, so you want to...
00:21:00Oh, you got it, you got the thing from the fish
00:21:02That almost makes up the fact that I have an unexpected $200 purchase to make
00:21:06This is a good one, alright
00:21:11It's called Enter the Whiffle
00:21:12Enter the Whiffle
00:21:13Call upon the Whiffle-Bat Gang to travel with you
00:21:15In this hero's journey
00:21:16For the rest of the show?
00:21:17For the rest of the show
00:21:18Fuck, we're good, man
00:21:20Murph!
00:21:22Whiffle-Bat Gang
00:21:23Whiffle-Bat Gang
00:21:25Tell me how you're ready for the Whiffle-Bat Gang
00:21:27Whiffle-Bat Gang, Whiffle-Bat Gang
00:21:30You're gonna get a beating for the Whiffle-Bat Gang
00:21:32Yeah
00:21:33So Murph, really good pinching before
00:21:35Why don't you guys get to know each other while I see if these glasses are fixable?
00:21:40What's that?
00:21:40I've got an offer from somebody online, one of your fans, who says they'll fix them for free tomorrow
00:21:45In New York City?
00:21:46Look at the Twitter
00:21:47I can't!
00:21:51What's his name?
00:21:51Alana's dad is an optician
00:21:53You can make it to Long Island
00:21:55You have to go to Long Island, he'll replace it
00:21:56I gotta go to Long Island
00:21:57I'm just gonna go to Lenscraft
00:22:02Alright, so Murph, really good pinching before
00:22:07Yeah, once I was disarmed, I just went right for the table
00:22:10I was like choking you with a bat, I'm so sorry
00:22:12No, no
00:22:13But I hate pinching and I didn't want him
00:22:14That's perfect
00:22:16Look at that
00:22:16Alright, let's go to the phones
00:22:19Caller, you're on
00:22:20Wait, oh no, we can't do that?
00:22:22I can barely see Noah, this whole show is a trainer
00:22:24Great, ladies and gentlemen, it's been a while since we've heard from these guys
00:22:28But anyone who was watching our show in the early days will remember that each week
00:22:31There's a video by a mysterious collective known as the Lone Corn Meal Machine
00:22:35They are back, if you tweet at them, at Lone Corn Meal
00:22:38It's gonna be a little less frequent than it used to be
00:22:40But they are back tonight
00:22:41Ladies and gentlemen, I believe the suggestion they got was
00:22:43Why am I so scared of death?
00:22:45Is that correct?
00:22:46Yeah
00:22:46So that's a fitting one for this show
00:22:48Let's go ahead and check back in after many, many weeks
00:22:50Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the show
00:22:52The Lone Corn Meal Machine
00:22:54Who knows what will happen
00:23:03I haven't a clue
00:23:06No one knows what will happen next
00:23:10It all depends on you
00:23:12Can't see round the corner
00:23:15When I'm going round the bend
00:23:18No one knows what will happen
00:23:21Or if this madness will ever end
00:23:24Why are we so frightened of death?
00:23:33Well, many reasons, I suppose
00:23:36For one thing, we are surrounded by the possibility of death every moment of every day
00:23:41All it takes is one simple mistake
00:23:44And it could mean that your life is over
00:23:46Effective immediately
00:23:47That's why it's important to be careful everywhere you go
00:23:51Watch out!
00:23:52While studies vary, it has been estimated that a human being dies approximately every three seconds
00:23:59That means that in the time it takes to say the word
00:24:02Pneumonal ultramicroscopic silico-volcano-coniosis
00:24:05One and a half people have perished
00:24:07Food for thought
00:24:09A fear of death can be healthy if it leads us to make intelligent choices
00:24:14A generalized fear of strangers, for example, can be prudent
00:24:18As there is no shortage of shady characters on the scene
00:24:21Oh, hey, see this woman?
00:24:24She'll die tomorrow
00:24:25Too bad!
00:24:27But we cannot live our lives paralyzed by a fear of death
00:24:31We are human beings
00:24:33And we must venture out into the world in search of new experiences
00:24:36Still, doesn't it feel like something really terrible is about to happen on this subway train?
00:24:45Admit it
00:24:45Something could go very wrong
00:24:48And then these poor folks would really be in for it
00:24:52Big time
00:24:53Oh, yeah
00:24:55What a nightmare
00:24:57But what's the point in worrying?
00:25:01None of us are immortal
00:25:02And we have to live our lives knowing that death is inevitable
00:25:05So fuck it, right?
00:25:08Be afraid
00:25:09Or don't
00:25:09Whatever works for you
00:25:11Because we only get one life
00:25:14Or maybe we get a whole bunch of them
00:25:16Or there's a life after this one
00:25:18Lord knows I don't have all the answers
00:25:20Oh
00:25:22By the way, there is one creature among us that has achieved immortality
00:25:27No
00:25:28Not the lady with the dog head
00:25:30That guy with the blue bag
00:25:32He, as it turns out, is some kind of vampire
00:25:35What a fascinating life he's led
00:25:37I should have told you more about him instead of just yammering away about death
00:25:40Oh, well
00:25:42Oh, what can we do?
00:25:46You can be Napoleon and I'll be a Waterloo
00:25:48We'll be back to find a camp of May
00:25:51Till then we'll just be on our way
00:25:53My vision's very bad without those glasses
00:25:55It was good
00:25:56All right
00:25:56So, um, let's go back to the phones, why don't we?
00:25:59Do we have any callers on the line?
00:26:00Caller, you're on the air, welcome to the show
00:26:01What up, Chris?
00:26:04Who's this?
00:26:05This is Brian from Connecticut
00:26:06Hey, how's it going?
00:26:08Oh, not too bad
00:26:09Just saying, Andrew, I recognize how sophomoric this is
00:26:12Not going to buy it
00:26:14Please take a nut shot
00:26:15No, not, no, not
00:26:17The guy's got to get hit in the testicles
00:26:19No, no, no
00:26:20He just took a full-on testicle
00:26:22I'm just saying
00:26:22Dude, what's your problem?
00:26:24Dude, what's your damage?
00:26:25You've got some anger
00:26:26You've got a man
00:26:27It's perfect!
00:26:28Why does...
00:26:29Now, explain this to me, though
00:26:30What's so wrong with random Andrew
00:26:31That you want to see him get hit in the nuts?
00:26:34Sorry, it's a little, uh
00:26:35Sorry, it's a little muffled
00:26:36But, uh, just throwing that out there
00:26:38Well, thank you
00:26:41Attitude's muffled, bro
00:26:43Wow
00:26:43Wow
00:26:45Wow, standing up for himself
00:26:47Now, random Andrew, what do you...
00:26:49Why would you say this happened?
00:26:51I don't know, I'm like...
00:26:53I don't know, I don't want to make judgments
00:26:54And then everyone reads me
00:26:55Well, I'll put something out there that you can't say
00:26:58Now, Murph, maybe you can help me out
00:26:59Why do people hate random Andrew?
00:27:00First of all, great-looking kid
00:27:02Second of all, you're 19
00:27:04You ain't got your whole life ahead of you
00:27:05You just named two reasons why people wouldn't like it
00:27:08Yeah, on this show
00:27:09Those are...
00:27:10Yeah, I just think I'm, like, young
00:27:12And they don't...
00:27:13Young and handsome
00:27:13And I don't think you did anything
00:27:15And you're so many favors
00:27:16The first thing you said on the show was
00:27:17I want to be an actor
00:27:18Yeah, I knew that was a big...
00:27:20Wait, here's the thing
00:27:20I came in, you, like, sent an email
00:27:22It's like you could do, like, song presentation
00:27:23I thought my thing was gonna be, like, the lowest key thing
00:27:25I'm like, I'll just do a funny look
00:27:27Yeah, speak up, Andrew
00:27:28I'll just do, like, a little reading or whatever
00:27:30And then, like, everyone else just talk casually
00:27:32Oh, yeah, you did that full house thing
00:27:33Yeah, I regret that so much
00:27:34Holy shit!
00:27:42Ow! Ow!
00:27:43Too much! Too much! Too much!
00:27:45Too much! Ow! Ow!
00:27:47Ow! What the...
00:27:49Hey! Hey! Ow!
00:27:51Hey! Ow!
00:27:51Hey! Hey! Ow!
00:27:53Hey! Hey! Hey!
00:27:56Hey! Ow!
00:27:56Ow! Ow!
00:27:58Ow! Ow!
00:28:00Yeah, hold that guy in your hand
00:28:03Well, I took the nut shot
00:28:07And then Andrew was supposed to get
00:28:08With whatever that was
00:28:09I was, yeah, I saw the light come up
00:28:11And I like to meet you
00:28:11Oh, man
00:28:12I just got hit with a dildo on public access TV
00:28:16That was a dildo?
00:28:17That was a dildo
00:28:18That was a dildo?
00:28:19It felt really slimy, too
00:28:20It felt like a dildo
00:28:21It was a used dildo
00:28:22I may have broken my finger
00:28:25And I got hit over the back four times
00:28:28With what could only be a dildo
00:28:29I couldn't see it
00:28:32I feel so, like, 3,000 times more secure
00:28:36Than the milkshake of death
00:28:38Really?
00:28:39I'm not gonna throw it
00:28:39You like this better than the milkshake of death?
00:28:42No, no, I'm saying
00:28:43I'm sorry, I'm saying this is harder
00:28:45I feel more like
00:28:48Scared
00:28:48Holy shit, I could die tonight
00:28:49Yeah, now what do you think
00:28:50Your mom's gonna think of this one?
00:28:52I hope it should be bro-y
00:28:54Now, what do you say?
00:28:57Does your mom, like, hate me?
00:28:59No, no, no, she loves the show
00:29:01She doesn't watch it all the time
00:29:02But she loves it
00:29:03She just, like
00:29:04She's like my mom
00:29:06She doesn't like the haters
00:29:07You know, I try to tell her
00:29:09I'm like, mom, it's not really personal
00:29:11And she's like, I just don't like it
00:29:13I can see why, man
00:29:14I can see why
00:29:15Well, I think we're turning the side of public opinion tonight
00:29:18Now, Merck, how are you feeling about Random Andrew right now?
00:29:20I've always, you know, I've always been alright with Random Andrew
00:29:22I thought Random George
00:29:24I voted for him just because
00:29:26The insanity of it all
00:29:29The bodysuit and all that
00:29:30I thought would be fun
00:29:30But, I've always liked Random Andrew
00:29:32I don't know
00:29:33That was so quick
00:29:35That was so quick
00:29:37Who is that?
00:29:43Who is it?
00:29:45Phil Jackson
00:29:46Phil
00:29:47Phil
00:29:47Phil
00:29:48Phil
00:29:49Phil
00:29:49Phil
00:29:50Oh, what's that?
00:29:52Hey, hey, hey!
00:29:54Hey, hey, hey!
00:29:57Hey, hey, hey!
00:29:58Hey, hey, hey!
00:29:59Hey, hey, hey!
00:30:08Wow!
00:30:10Wow!
00:30:13Wow, that was scary!
00:30:16That was really scary!
00:30:18Who is that?
00:30:19That was so close to a broken wrist!
00:30:22This is a really bad idea for a television show!
00:30:25It's a really bad idea!
00:30:26We think we're all on record with that!
00:30:28No, the smoke, I'm gonna try!
00:30:29Here's a piece of Finale's spoon!
00:30:31So Don Finale hit me so hard with a wooden spoon that it broke!
00:30:34Splintered, yeah!
00:30:35Oh, my God, why did I...
00:30:36I'm the asshole who thought of this!
00:30:39I can't even complain, because I'm such an asshole!
00:30:41And then everybody shows up, and I'm like,
00:30:43Go hard, go hard, go hard!
00:30:45Don't hold back!
00:30:47And now...
00:30:47Banana Man is bleeding!
00:30:48Banana Man's bleeding?
00:30:49That's what he says!
00:30:50What happened, Banana Man?
00:30:51Come on out!
00:30:52Huh?
00:30:52What happened?
00:30:53During our fight?
00:30:56This is worse than anything you guys have!
00:30:58I don't know about that!
00:30:59That's a big boo-boo!
00:31:01Let's show it to camera!
00:31:02Let's show it to camera!
00:31:03Is that okay, Banana Man?
00:31:04If we exploit your pain?
00:31:06Fuck you!
00:31:07Banana Man, Banana Man, you got some good punches in on me, though!
00:31:12And some good condom, man!
00:31:15We have people across the land who are being oppressed!
00:31:17Wow!
00:31:18This show is just, like, fighting, people shouting shit where there's no mics!
00:31:24This is insane!
00:31:25If anyone is still watching this show, I'm just assuming they're watching to see who else gets hurt!
00:31:30Yeah, we all are going to watch this show!
00:31:32Do we have any phone calls?
00:31:33We have a caller on the line!
00:31:34Welcome to the show!
00:31:35How are you?
00:31:36Yeah, I'm coming to the show!
00:31:38Oh!
00:31:39Hello?
00:31:39Yeah, who's this?
00:31:41Oh!
00:31:41Hi!
00:31:42Sorry!
00:31:42This is...
00:31:43This is Rachel!
00:31:45Yes!
00:31:46Rachel!
00:31:48Yeah, Rachel, how's it going?
00:31:49Oh, it's doing good!
00:31:51You know, like, living...
00:31:52Um, so, I'm talking, and y'all getting beat up, and I heard you, like, talking about Random
00:31:57Andrew, and I just wanted to say that I think Random Andrew's pretty awesome, because last
00:32:04week I went to the show, and I was looking at him, and he's not a bad-looking guy, and
00:32:09he's 19, and I'm 19, and I don't know, Random Andrew.
00:32:15Oh!
00:32:16So you want...
00:32:17Wait, hold on, Rachel!
00:32:18Rachel, Rachel, are you asking Random Andrew out on a date?
00:32:21Because I can arrange that.
00:32:23If Random Andrew is down to go on a date with a lovely lady on the other line, 19, at NYU,
00:32:31I'm just saying.
00:32:36Random Andrew, what do you say?
00:32:38Do you have a girlfriend?
00:32:39I have no idea.
00:32:40No, not, no.
00:32:41Did you just...
00:32:42So what's stopping you, Random Andrew?
00:32:44What?
00:32:45Um, Rachel.
00:32:48I want to meet her.
00:32:49I don't, like, I...
00:32:50Like...
00:32:51You want to see what you look like first!
00:32:53No, no, no, no, Rachel, Rachel, I got this.
00:32:57Rachel, if you want to go on a date with Random Andrew, a blind date, we'll... I'll set it
00:33:02up, and we'll send a camera crew to go along with you.
00:33:05Yeah!
00:33:06I'm so down!
00:33:08Yeah!
00:33:08Rachel, are you into that?
00:33:10Yes!
00:33:10So email zero laughs at gmail dot com.
00:33:13I was going to say, she comes to the show, we could go after the show, except for next
00:33:15week, because I've got to run home for Thanksgiving.
00:33:17He really wants to see her first.
00:33:19No!
00:33:19No!
00:33:19No!
00:33:20No!
00:33:20No!
00:33:20No!
00:33:21No!
00:33:21No!
00:33:21No!
00:33:21No!
00:33:22No!
00:33:22No!
00:33:22No!
00:33:23No!
00:33:23No!
00:33:24No!
00:33:25No!
00:33:25No!
00:33:26No!
00:33:26No!
00:33:27No!
00:33:27No!
00:33:28No!
00:33:28No!
00:33:29No!
00:33:29No!
00:33:30No!
00:33:30No!
00:33:31No!
00:33:31No!
00:33:32No!
00:33:32No!
00:33:33No!
00:33:33No!
00:33:34No!
00:33:35No!
00:33:36No!
00:33:36No!
00:33:37No!
00:33:37No!
00:33:38No!
00:33:47No!
00:33:48The horn is sounding, Sir!
00:33:55Oh!
00:33:55Yeah, definitely.
00:33:56Yeah, I don't know it.
00:33:56Rachel, are you still on the line?
00:33:59Good.
00:34:00Okay.
00:34:00You are?
00:34:01Yeah.
00:34:02Pretty good.
00:34:03Yeah.
00:34:03Hey, let's get back to that.
00:34:04Let's make that happen.
00:34:05Will you go on a date with random Andrew and let us film that?
00:34:05No!
00:34:05Don't.
00:34:06Do I do not Eisenhower yet?
00:34:07I do not.
00:34:08Yeah, I would.
00:34:09Okay, I want you to email zero laughs at gmail.com.
00:34:12Zero laughs.
00:34:13We're going to set that up.
00:34:14I'm going to hook you up, Randamandrew.
00:34:16Now, you said you go to NYU, and you go to Pace.
00:34:19I hope you guys have a baby, and it goes to Hunter.
00:34:23Or Columbia.
00:34:25What?
00:34:26I hope you have a baby with Randamandrew.
00:34:30I want to see that happen.
00:34:32And I hope you name it Gethard.
00:34:33Let's note that it took 45 minutes of being a hero for him to get laid.
00:34:42That's true.
00:34:4245 minutes.
00:34:43Yeah, man.
00:34:44Let that be a lesson.
00:34:45Murph, how many times have you done this show?
00:34:47I've never gotten laid through the show.
00:34:49And you've done it six or seven times?
00:34:50Yeah.
00:34:5222 times.
00:34:53My legs just went so bad right now.
00:34:54No, I'm going to be fine.
00:34:55Are you okay?
00:34:55Yeah, it's just like a little bit.
00:34:56It's fine.
00:34:57Okay.
00:34:58I'm going to feel we're locked.
00:34:58Now, Randamandrew, Rachel, based on voice.
00:35:02You sound cute.
00:35:03Sounds really nice.
00:35:04Good voice.
00:35:04Yeah.
00:35:04Nice, nice.
00:35:05I've never, like, done a blind date.
00:35:06So, like, come here and, yeah, we'll go out.
00:35:08No, no, no.
00:35:09She's not coming here, Randamandrew.
00:35:10Blind.
00:35:11Where should we send Randamandrew on his date?
00:35:13Pizza Hut.
00:35:14Pizza Hut.
00:35:15Pizza Hut.
00:35:16Pizza Hut.
00:35:16Pizza Hut?
00:35:17Yeah.
00:35:18I'm going to drive you two to a Pizza Hut.
00:35:23I'm going to drive you two to a Pizza Hut in suburban New Jersey, and that'll be your date.
00:35:28How's that sound, Rachel?
00:35:29Uh, real classy.
00:35:31What, she's, like, classy?
00:35:34Real classy, but I think she's being sarcastic.
00:35:38We'll do it.
00:35:38Martin, Martin.
00:35:39We'll set it up.
00:35:40We'll set it up.
00:35:41We'll set up the date.
00:35:41Email us, though, Rachel.
00:35:42We'll make that happen.
00:35:43Okay.
00:35:44Thank you for the call.
00:35:45Great call.
00:35:46Yeah.
00:35:47All right.
00:35:48Do we have another caller on the air?
00:35:50Another caller.
00:35:51You're on the line.
00:35:51Welcome to the show.
00:35:52I got an envelope.
00:36:03Don't worry.
00:36:03Hey, hey, hey.
00:36:07Hey, hey, hey.
00:36:09Hey, hey, hey.
00:36:12Hey, hey, hey.
00:36:14Oh, my God.
00:36:15Ow.
00:36:15Oh, Shannon.
00:36:18Oh, Shannon.
00:36:19Oh, my God.
00:36:19Of course, Shannon.
00:36:20They're the fucking best.
00:36:22That's it.
00:36:23Yeah.
00:36:25Yeah.
00:36:28Yeah.
00:36:31Boy, let that tape open.
00:36:38What did we get?
00:36:39You got the envelope?
00:36:40What did you get?
00:36:41Wait.
00:36:45Here's the key to your handcuffs.
00:36:47Whoa.
00:36:47It says you can use it on the handcuffs.
00:36:53They're on Gethard.
00:36:56It's the moment of truth.
00:36:57You are the...
00:36:58This is official.
00:36:59Random Andrew.
00:37:00You are the hero of the Chris Gethard Show.
00:37:06Freedom.
00:37:10No more shit talks on Random Andrew.
00:37:13All right.
00:37:14What are we doing?
00:37:15Are we still fighting?
00:37:16I don't...
00:37:16I have no idea.
00:37:19Royal Rumble.
00:37:20No.
00:37:21Fuck.
00:37:21What are you fucking crazy, man?
00:37:23Call?
00:37:24Okay.
00:37:24We got a caller on the line.
00:37:25Welcome to the Gethard Show.
00:37:26How can we help you?
00:37:29Caller.
00:37:29You're on the air.
00:37:30Hello.
00:37:31Yes.
00:37:31What's up?
00:37:31Hey.
00:37:32My name is Melanie.
00:37:33I'm a friend of Random Andrew.
00:37:35I love Melanie.
00:37:36This is Melanie Inkle.
00:37:37Okay.
00:37:37Melanie.
00:37:37She's awesome.
00:37:38Welcome.
00:37:39How are you doing, buddy?
00:37:40I'm so good.
00:37:41How are you?
00:37:41I miss you a lot, Mel.
00:37:43I miss you too, dude.
00:37:44She's the best.
00:37:44Um, uh, yeah.
00:37:46I just wanted to call in and say that Random Andrew is indeed a hero.
00:37:50So how long have you known Andrew?
00:37:53Uh, probably, I think it's been like four or five years now.
00:37:57Yeah.
00:37:58Okay.
00:37:59Yeah.
00:37:59We did a lot of shows and stuff together.
00:38:00Okay.
00:38:01And he's a good dude.
00:38:02You vouched for him.
00:38:02I can, I can, I can honestly, 100% confidently say that he is an awesome dude.
00:38:10She's not, when he takes that girl Rachel out on a date, is he a smooth talker?
00:38:15Um, I think he might be, you know.
00:38:17I've, I, I've never seen that side of, uh, that side of Andrew, but, uh, you know, he could
00:38:20be, he could be a good date.
00:38:22Okay.
00:38:23All right.
00:38:23So we got an old friend voucher for him.
00:38:25That's really good.
00:38:26Oh, shit.
00:38:27Hold on, Mel.
00:38:28All right.
00:38:30Kick out.
00:38:30Kick out.
00:39:00This is the happiest I've ever been.
00:39:02Really?
00:39:03Because I was going to say, this show that has my name on it is really weird.
00:39:08Really weird.
00:39:09All right.
00:39:09The cock on his neck, look at that double-ended dildo.
00:39:15Human fish put a double-ended dildo on Chris Kettys' neck.
00:39:20Human fish loves cock.
00:39:22Human fish loves cock.
00:39:26Human fish loves cock.
00:39:28Human fish loves cock.
00:39:31Everybody say bye to the cock.
00:39:33Bye, cock.
00:39:35Say bye to the live cock.
00:39:37Bye, cock.
00:39:38Everybody say bye to the cock.
00:39:41Everybody say goodbye to that cock.
00:39:44Because the human fish is taking it home.
00:39:47He's going to cut his meat with it because he thinks it's a sword.
00:39:52He's going to chop up his watermelon with that cock because he thinks it's a sword.
00:39:58When it's time to open up that tofu, he's going to get frustrated.
00:40:06That's the end of the show.
00:40:08That was the Christmas show.
00:40:20Best.
00:40:20Christmas show.
00:40:22Ever.
Recommended
10:24
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