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00:00Five, four, three, two, one, one, two, three, four.
00:14Come take a ride, come take a ride, the weirdest guy I know, well it's Wednesday night, it's Wednesday night, and now unity dog, the Chris Gafford Show, Chris Gafford Show.
00:30Chris Gafford Show, Chris Gafford Show.
01:00We set that up last week, by the end of the day we'll know who will be our next random for the next pretty much four months of the show.
01:08Some random stranger will be hanging out with us.
01:11I also want to make sure I introduce everybody here, Don Finelli joining us as always, Shannon O'Neill joining us as always, Will Hines back again, back in the fold, back in the family, Nini's in the back on the hula hoops.
01:25Look at that, the people's champion, Nini on the hoops, the LLC playing us in.
01:33Will you want to join us, we want to thank joining us as always, the man from the sea.
01:38He's recently emerged to the world of men.
01:40Ladies and gentlemen, the human fish is here tonight.
01:42Human fish, human fish.
01:48What's he thinking?
01:50Human fish, human fish, human fish.
01:55So mysterious.
01:57Human fish.
01:59So human fish, what's on your mind right now?
02:02Rabbits versus rabbis.
02:03Rabbits versus rabbis.
02:06And who wins that hotly contested battle?
02:09Rabbits.
02:10Rabbits?
02:11Rabbits!
02:12Rabbits are men of God!
02:14Rabbits.
02:15Wow!
02:16Rabbits win.
02:17Now, a very special guest.
02:18I'm very psyched about this, although it's extremely awkward.
02:21I'm going to say that right up top.
02:22Ladies and gentlemen, my friend James is here tonight.
02:25James, how are you?
02:28Now, just so everybody understands exactly what's going on.
02:31James, you moved to West Orange, New Jersey when we were in fifth grade together.
02:35Alright, yeah, yeah.
02:36That sounds right.
02:37We quickly became friends.
02:38First thing you said to me, you were like, just so you know, my family moves, like, every
02:44few years, so, like, let's be friends, but don't get too attached, you basically said.
02:48Yeah, yeah, pretty much.
02:49And then we were, like, best friends.
02:50Yeah.
02:51Fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth grade.
02:52Mm-hmm.
02:53That, we last saw each other, we ran into each other for about five minutes in 2001.
02:58Outside of that, this is the first time we've seen each other in over 17 years.
03:03Yeah, sounds about right.
03:04So how are you doing, man?
03:05I'm alright, I'm alright.
03:08You were my first white friend, you know?
03:09Yeah!
03:11Yes!
03:12And look at this, I'm still doing all sorts of white people.
03:16Yeah, I know.
03:17This is the, and you, like, you got here, your train was running late.
03:22Yeah, yeah, yeah.
03:22You just walked in, like, five minutes ago.
03:23Yeah, yeah, yeah.
03:24This is, like, the whitest shit ever.
03:26Yeah, man.
03:27I'm like an ink spot in a bowl of milk.
03:30I got another ink spot in the back, though.
03:31I'm safe.
03:33There you go.
03:34There you go.
03:34There you go.
03:35Well, welcome to the show.
03:37You picked a great show to be a part of.
03:39You know what?
03:39Even before we continue, Jesse Vandenberg, friend of the show.
03:42Happy birthday, Jesse.
03:43Sitting there in the couch.
03:48Now, last week, four people showed up competing to be the new random.
03:52Over 550 people voted at our website to see which two should come back to duke it out tonight.
03:57Ladies and gentlemen, we've got Random Christy, Random Andrew.
04:05Random Christy, Random Andrew, thank you guys for coming back.
04:08Congratulations on getting the most votes.
04:10Hotly contested.
04:12All sorts of internet chatter.
04:14Christy, I feel like out of the four contestants, you kind of flew the most under the radar this week.
04:18Yeah, I like it that way.
04:19Look at that.
04:19You remain mysterious, but I'm wondering, have you remained too mysterious for tonight?
04:24No way.
04:25All right.
04:26You're ready to go?
04:27Yeah.
04:27Random Andrew, in the meantime, you got the most votes.
04:29You got, like, 250 votes.
04:31Yeah.
04:31Also, by far the most.
04:33The most hatred.
04:34Yeah.
04:35People, backlash.
04:36No, there's, like, hatred.
04:37Backlash.
04:38True hatred.
04:40People say you're, like, too good looking for this show.
04:43Yeah, it's like, they're saying mean things, but they're, like, nice things.
04:47Yeah.
04:48It's true.
04:49In this show, everyone has such low self-esteem that compliments are insults.
04:52People have said, like, you're, like, real nice, good looking, and too cool to be a part of this.
05:01Now, if you win, are you prepared for 14 more weeks of people hating you?
05:07Yeah.
05:08I mean, I don't really have a choice, but.
05:10All right.
05:11Bring it.
05:12So, before we even get into you guys, I want to make sure, in tribute, this is our old friends, new friends show.
05:18My old friend James is here.
05:19We're welcoming a new friend by the end of tonight.
05:21Old friends, new friends.
05:21We want you guys to call up if anybody out there, first of all, your opinions.
05:26If you want to hear what's on the human fish's mind, you want to let us know your thoughts on the random contest, let us know that.
05:31And if anybody else is out there and they're, like, Chris is reconnecting with his friend James, that's kind of nice.
05:35I remember this dude from my past that I want to give a shout out to.
05:38Call up.
05:39Let us know.
05:39We'll try to reconnect you.
05:40We'll try to get your friend to call in.
05:42You guys can talk on the show.
05:44It'll be real heartwarming shit.
05:45It'll be great.
05:46So, call us up.
05:48Yeah, yeah, yeah.
05:49Why don't you give us a call?
05:51Yes.
05:51Yeah, yeah, yeah.
05:53Yeah, yeah, yeah.
05:55Why don't you give us a call?
05:56Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
05:59All right.
06:00So, Andrew and Christy, the first thing I've asked you guys to do is bring a gift of some sort for the one and only human fish.
06:07Because what you guys don't know is at the end of this night, the human fish will be asked.
06:13Human fish, random Christy versus random Andrew.
06:15Oh.
06:17Who is?
06:18Luckily, we have a cast member of this show.
06:20Who just decides between two options all the time.
06:24Wow.
06:24So, I hope you put some thought into your gifts for the human fish.
06:27Let's have the presentation of the gifts.
06:29Wow.
06:30Me first?
06:31Me first?
06:32Whoever.
06:32All right.
06:34Basically, you're a half-naked fish in New York City.
06:40So, I brought you a rape whistle.
06:44Oh.
06:45Oh.
06:46And I am going with the whole, like, you're a half-naked fish in New York City.
06:54It's getting kind of cold outside, so you can have a scarf.
06:56Wow.
06:57And some gloves.
06:58Drop the glove.
06:58A scarf, some gloves, and a rape whistle.
07:02Very nice.
07:03Do you know how to use them?
07:04Don't figure it out.
07:09Don't figure it out.
07:10So, random Andrew, you better get it for the human fish.
07:14Uh, well, I've known you for a week, and, um, we haven't said much, but I got us...
07:20I first wanted to get you goggles, that, and nose things so you can do flips underwater easier.
07:24Because it'll make your hands free, but I couldn't find any in fall.
07:27So, I got us friendship bracelets.
07:29With shells on them.
07:30Friendship bracelets, okay.
07:32And we can wear them, and if you decide you want to be my friend, and, uh, here you go.
07:36Wow.
07:37And I got one, too.
07:38Do you know how to use that?
07:41Random Andrew, I'm going to say you seem a little sad tonight.
07:44Are you sad?
07:45No, no, I'm just, like, nervous that I was, like,
07:50very out last week, so now I'm the in Andrew.
07:54Okay.
07:54And I'm sure, like, a tweet's going to call for a second saying, like, fuck that.
07:58All right, we'll see how the backlash unfolds.
08:01In the meantime, should we go to the phone lines?
08:03Caller, you're on the air.
08:04Welcome to the show.
08:07Caller, are you there?
08:09Hello?
08:10Yeah, what's up?
08:10Who's this?
08:12What's going on, man?
08:15Yeah, yeah, yeah, what's up?
08:17Hey, I just want to talk to you about this random Andrew situation
08:20for a moment.
08:21Okay, okay!
08:22Since your very first call!
08:24I'll go to, like, some libraries and shit
08:26and, like, vote for him over and over again
08:28or use some weird nerd hacks or something.
08:32And I just, I don't think it's right.
08:35You're accusing random Andrew of cheating to get all those votes.
08:37No, that, like, it makes a lot of sense.
08:39Um, basically, like, just to explain,
08:43um, I don't know, like, I sent out, like, a Facebook event
08:46and it was just, like, vote now for random Andrew
08:48because you said, like, to advertise for the show and stuff.
08:50And, um, you know, I'm in college now,
08:52so I just, like, I'm always around a large amount of people
08:55where I just be like, hey, vote.
08:56And I have a good crowd here tonight, too.
08:59Wow!
09:00Random Andrew brings the people.
09:02So, I swear there was no cheating involved,
09:05at least on my part.
09:06Um, but, you know, when you,
09:07I sent it to, like, everyone on my list
09:09and that's, like, a good, like, 900,000 people.
09:12So, I guess that's just kind of what happened.
09:14See, you did slip in a little bit of a cocky thing at the end.
09:17Imagine telling you shit people are gonna hate you.
09:22He's weirdly nice.
09:24Very nice.
09:25That's the thing I don't get.
09:27People are like, Andrew's the coolest,
09:29but you're still the coolest of four people
09:31who applied to be a part of this fucking show.
09:34Still a loser.
09:36Can I ask the random fish?
09:37What's that?
09:39Can I ask the question to the human fish?
09:40Sure.
09:43Can I ask the human fish
09:44Random George versus Random Andrew?
09:47Wow, you're bringing up
09:49one of our eliminated contestants, Random George,
09:51and seeing who the fish likes better.
09:52This is a real can of worms.
09:54I'm gonna allow it.
09:59Yeah, I can't really hear you guys,
10:01so I'm gonna go.
10:05All right.
10:07Later.
10:07Random George versus Random Andrew.
10:09Later, man.
10:12Random Andrew.
10:13Wow.
10:15Wow.
10:20After he said that,
10:21he started stroking his friendship bracelet.
10:23That's the bracelet.
10:25Do you have another caller on the line?
10:27Caller, welcome to the Chris Gethardt Show.
10:28How can we help you tonight?
10:33Oh, it's gonna be a long night.
10:36Hit it.
10:37We've got the awesome song.
10:40Hello?
10:41Yeah, what's up?
10:42Oh, hi.
10:43It's Tesla.
10:45Who's that?
10:47Tesla?
10:48I've been to about five shows.
10:50They didn't come tonight.
10:51Yes, how are you?
10:52How's it going?
10:53Good.
10:54I just want to show my support for Random Andrew
10:56because he's awesome,
10:59but I couldn't come,
11:00but I think he's gonna win.
11:01Random Andrew dominating the phone lines.
11:03Thank you, Tesla.
11:04I appreciate it.
11:04These people here know Tesla.
11:06Yeah.
11:06As soon as I said Tesla,
11:07you two pajama boys freaked out.
11:09I think everybody goes to Pace, right?
11:12I have no idea what you're saying right now.
11:14We gotta fix this.
11:15You can't hear us?
11:15Pajama boys.
11:18Pajama boys.
11:20Can you hear us, Tesla?
11:22Yes.
11:23Oh, good.
11:23Random Christie.
11:27I don't know what's going on right now.
11:29Well, we're just reacting
11:31because there's a lot of people in the crowd
11:33that know you.
11:33That's all.
11:35I'm gonna hang up.
11:36Okay.
11:37Oh, we gotta fix the phone lines.
11:39I hope we fix the phone lines tonight
11:40because it feels like a hot show
11:41that's gonna go...
11:41Can we pass this mic around when we talk?
11:42Quickly downhill.
11:43Quickly downhill.
11:44We'll figure it out.
11:45It's all good.
11:46Does anybody on the panel
11:46have stories of old friends?
11:48Anybody you'd like to reach out to?
11:50Well, Random Andrew, you're...
11:50Okay, man.
11:51Just like, real quick.
11:52It's not like a story,
11:53but you were just talking about
11:55how you were his first white friend.
11:57My first white friend's here, too,
11:59when he's over there.
11:59He came from upstate New York.
12:01He's been my best friend since first grade,
12:03so I just wanted to do that.
12:04Random Andrew grabbing
12:05a lot of the spotlight so far.
12:08Anybody else, friends,
12:09you'd like to reach out to?
12:11Nope.
12:13Leaving her past behind.
12:15Don Finale, you're the kind of guy
12:16who actually maintains friendships.
12:18I do.
12:18Will Hines, anyone from your past?
12:19God, there's so much of my past.
12:22I, um...
12:23Yeah, I want to take a shout-out
12:24to the They Might Be Giants fan club
12:26of 1987.
12:26If any of them are still watching
12:30and not watching their children,
12:31they can call in.
12:31We'll say hi.
12:33Last year, you passed out.
12:34This year, your nose is bleeding.
12:36Next year...
12:37Next year, I'm going to drop dead
12:38in the middle of the hallway
12:39is what I'm kind of hoping for.
12:40But not before you give birth
12:42to a baby.
12:42Shannon,
12:43stop saying weird shit
12:45to Alyssa.
12:45Be the baby birth girl.
12:47Be...
12:47Oh, Shannon!
12:48Hallway birth girl.
12:49Nine months is all I'm taking.
12:50Nine months.
12:50Don't get in on this.
12:51She has sex this week.
12:53She has got a baby
12:53before her midterms.
12:55Yeah!
12:56Baby birth girl.
12:57Be the baby hallway birth girl.
12:59I hope that's not the case.
13:01I think I would rather die
13:02in the middle of the hallway.
13:04Alyssa, Shannon!
13:05Well, you will die!
13:06Stop it, Shannon!
13:07Your baby will be born...
13:08Shannon!
13:08You will die in childbirth.
13:11So we'll both get our wishes.
13:14Alyssa, I...
13:14I'll pay for, like,
13:15a third of your medical bills
13:16if you do this.
13:18Oh, good.
13:18A third.
13:20Alyssa, I'm really sorry
13:21about everything
13:22Shannon O'Neill has ever said to you.
13:25It's fine.
13:27That's it?
13:27She's fine with it.
13:28All right.
13:29Anything else
13:29you want to talk about tonight?
13:31No, I...
13:32Baby, I'm good.
13:34Okay.
13:34I hope...
13:35I hope you stop getting nosebleeds,
13:36but if you do,
13:37don't be embarrassed about it.
13:38It's all good.
13:40The kids who have nosebleeds
13:41grow up to be the smart kids
13:42and rich kids.
13:44Yeah.
13:44Really strong.
13:45Your brain's too strong.
13:46That's true, man.
13:47It's not always true.
13:48Your brain's too strong.
13:49The kid at my house
13:49who got like nosebleed
13:50was a total nerd his whole life.
13:53All right.
13:53Let's go ahead
13:54and go to our next random contest.
13:56Alyssa, I want to thank you
13:57for the call, as always.
13:58So we're going to go ahead
13:59and take another call,
14:00but I'm going to ask random Christy,
14:02you're going to handle this call.
14:03You're going to lead the charge
14:04because in the event
14:05that everybody else dies,
14:07the random will have to run the show.
14:09All right.
14:09So, okay.
14:10I got it.
14:13Hello?
14:15I don't got it.
14:16I don't got it.
14:17You don't got it?
14:17I'm just joking.
14:18I got it.
14:19This is Jack Klugman.
14:22What's up, man?
14:23Can you hear me?
14:27Jack Klugman,
14:27welcome back to the show.
14:29Guy who pretends to be Jack Klugman.
14:32How are you, Chris?
14:33How are you?
14:34I'm pretty good.
14:35Guy who pretends to be Jack Klugman.
14:37How are you doing?
14:38I'm all right.
14:38I'm all right.
14:39Listen up,
14:40that's very heartwarming
14:41that you reconnected
14:43with your colleague friend.
14:44I like him a lot.
14:45Jack Klugman,
14:46wildly inappropriate.
14:49Well, you know,
14:49I'm not about my generation.
14:51It's not that PC,
14:52but, you know.
14:53I understand that you're
14:54from a different generation,
14:55but in reality,
14:56it's 2011,
14:57so grow up.
14:58my commercial
15:00I did with Tony Randall.
15:01I used to do
15:02a Yahtzee commercial.
15:03I got a bunch
15:04of Yahtzee games.
15:06Is this my grandpa?
15:06I can send some
15:07all over to you guys.
15:09Hello?
15:10Do you remember?
15:10Hello?
15:11Hey, what's up?
15:13You should stop
15:14being so racist.
15:18Can we talk to Chris?
15:19What the hell's going on here?
15:24All right, Klugman,
15:25what do you want to tell you?
15:26No more racist shit, though.
15:27I know your bit
15:28is that you're an old man,
15:29but it's 2011, dude.
15:31No more racist shit, buddy.
15:33What are we talking about?
15:34Sad stories?
15:36In general with this show, yeah?
15:38Yeah, well,
15:39that Yahtzee commercial
15:40I did with Tony Randall,
15:43it took me about 25 takes
15:45to meet you.
15:57Hello, people of the Chris Gethardt Show.
16:02Hello, Chris Gethardt.
16:04I'm very happy to be back.
16:06I'm very excited
16:07for the announcement
16:08that I'm going to be making
16:09right now.
16:13Get ready
16:14for the political event
16:16of the year.
16:18Two weeks from tonight,
16:1914 days from right now.
16:21It's the Great American
16:23Presidential Debate,
16:24live on the
16:25Chris Gethardt Show,
16:26October 26th
16:27at 11 o'clock p.m.
16:29Featuring the following
16:30invited guests.
16:32Former Massachusetts
16:33Governor Mitt Romney,
16:34Texas Governor Rick Perry,
16:37Representative Michelle Bachman,
16:38former Godfather's Pizza
16:39CEO Herman Cain,
16:40noted adulterer
16:41and historical fiction novelist
16:42Newt Gingrich,
16:43former U.S. Ambassador
16:43to China John Huntsman Jr.,
16:45old man Ron Paul,
16:46the rent is too damn high,
16:47Jimmy McMillan,
16:48former U.S. Senator Rick Santorum,
16:50and in his first debate
16:51of the year,
16:52President Barack Obama.
16:54The aforementioned
16:54invited participants
16:55will all be debating
16:56the next president
16:57of the United States,
16:59me, Connor Rabliff.
17:01Who will win?
17:02Tune in and find out.
17:03But one thing's for certain,
17:05if you're not in this debate,
17:07you don't want to be president.
17:08The Great American
17:10Presidential Debate,
17:11live on the
17:11Chris Gethardt Show,
17:13two weeks from tonight.
17:18Two weeks from tonight.
17:20Two weeks from tonight.
17:22I'm putting the word out.
17:24I'll be sending
17:24formal invitations
17:25to all of the official campaigns
17:27of those candidates.
17:28They are all welcome here
17:29on the Chris Gethardt Show,
17:31two weeks from tonight,
17:32to debate.
17:35Okay.
17:36I will ask,
17:37how do you respond
17:38to allegations
17:39that you have
17:40a very intense stare
17:41to the camera?
17:43Guilty.
17:43Honesty.
17:46See?
17:46It's that kind of honesty
17:47you're not going to get
17:48from a Mitt Romney
17:49or a Richard Santorum.
17:52Please come on the show, guys.
17:53It's going to be a lot of fun.
17:56All right.
17:57Well, thank you very much, Connor.
17:58We're happy to have you,
17:59happy to support.
18:00As you know,
18:00you're our favorite candidate.
18:01Hope other people
18:02answer the call.
18:0335 Ratliff 2012
18:04on Twitter.
18:05You can send messages
18:06to all of those
18:07official campaigns.
18:08They're all on Twitter.
18:09And if you tweet at them,
18:11they'll start seeing,
18:12like, they've got to be
18:13at this debate, right?
18:14Yeah, people know
18:15how Twitter works.
18:16It's going to be amazing
18:17to see how many of them
18:19show up.
18:20I'm assuming all of them
18:21probably are going to try.
18:23Right?
18:24Probably.
18:25That's what I would guess.
18:26How do you know
18:28if somebody on a debate wins?
18:29You say, like,
18:30see who will win.
18:31Like, how do you know?
18:32You'll know.
18:33When you see this debate
18:34in two weeks,
18:34you'll know.
18:35Trust me,
18:35I have a way that
18:36we're going to demonstrate.
18:38I think you've been cut off.
18:42Thank you, that's the candidate.
18:46Come to have us, everybody.
18:47We have two big endorsements
18:48just came in.
18:49Now, Alyssa,
18:50who just called in
18:51our friend Alyssa,
18:52I think Random Andrew
18:53should be the new Random
18:53because that's a great
18:54goddamn shirt
18:55and my opinion matters.
18:56That's good.
18:57Thank you, Alyssa.
18:58Now, Jake Fogleness,
18:59our friend, guest,
19:01big, big endorsement.
19:03Random Andrew
19:03has a smugness
19:04that I just don't trust.
19:05Yeah.
19:07You know what?
19:07I've got to switch this up.
19:10I endorse Random Andrew
19:11on Tumblr
19:12to the tune of
19:13maybe five notes.
19:16Liked it,
19:17and I think you're
19:18very nice
19:19and handling yourself
19:20very well,
19:20but I've got to go
19:21with Random Christy.
19:22Wow.
19:23There's nothing wrong
19:25with Random Andrew.
19:27So you're officially
19:28withdrawing your endorsement
19:29of Random Andrew.
19:29My endorsement is now
19:30worthless because
19:31I am switching it.
19:33I think that,
19:34yeah,
19:34I think Random Christy
19:35is for real.
19:37I'll take it.
19:38This guy says,
19:39oh, man,
19:40Random Andrew,
19:41they should debate
19:42if Random Andrew
19:43looks like a dick.
19:44Hashtag,
19:45he does.
19:48Awful.
19:49Awful.
19:50Like, at this point,
19:50like...
19:51I think that's
19:51hashtag,
19:52heados.
19:55That's good.
19:56You're all good, man.
19:57You're all good.
19:58No worries.
19:58Where'd you go to college?
19:59I'm the kid.
20:00I almost
20:01want to, like,
20:02keep sitting in the audience.
20:04I'm not dropping out.
20:06Wow.
20:06Hold on.
20:07Take us through this.
20:08It's sad.
20:09So you're feeling
20:10a little beat up.
20:11Yeah.
20:11You don't know
20:11if you want to do this
20:12anymore.
20:12Crisis of faith.
20:13I don't,
20:14like,
20:14I'm still going to go for it
20:15because that'd be the worst
20:16if I gave up.
20:17Wow.
20:18But there's an endorsement
20:19from Pot Awful.
20:21Okay.
20:22Where's that?
20:23The top one.
20:24Random Christy
20:25has tears welling up
20:28in her eyes
20:28because she's going to lose?
20:29I don't think that's true.
20:31No, she doesn't.
20:31No, not at all.
20:33Oh, here's one.
20:34Random Andrew
20:35seems really, really nice
20:36and I think he should win
20:36even though Christy
20:37is an awesome name
20:38from a girl named Christy.
20:40Random Andrew is smug
20:41and Will Hines
20:42already has the smug part filled.
20:46That is a compliment.
20:47Wow.
20:47Well, it's coming down
20:48to the wire.
20:49Big debate.
20:50What should we do?
20:50Okay, let's go to the calls.
20:52Caller, you're on the air.
20:53Welcome to the show.
20:54How can we help you tonight?
20:55Hello?
20:55Yes, you're on the air.
20:56Hi, my name's Kristen.
20:58I called like a month ago
20:59and talked about my church.
21:01Okay, yeah.
21:01And I have a story
21:02about the friend
21:03that brought me to that church
21:04and are reuniting
21:05like a month ago.
21:06Okay, this is awesome.
21:07All right, so I was walking to work
21:09and I haven't seen this girl
21:11since high school
21:12which was like 2005.
21:14She pulls over
21:15and we're talking
21:15and we exchange information
21:17and we say,
21:18oh, we should totally hang out
21:19one of these days.
21:20Like you always say to people
21:21when you bump into them
21:22when you haven't seen them
21:22in like six years.
21:23But we actually hung out this time
21:26and it went good
21:27like the first time we hung out
21:29and then things started
21:31to get a little bit weird.
21:33We were driving down the street
21:34and it's Friday,
21:35I'm in love came on the radio
21:36and we're both singing along
21:38and she stops at a stoplight
21:40and she goes,
21:40it's Friday
21:41and I'm in love with Jesus.
21:43And she said it like five times
21:45and she slowed down
21:46and put more emphasis
21:47each time she said it
21:48to the point where
21:49cars were honking
21:50because she had to go
21:51and she's going,
21:52it's Friday.
21:53I'm in love with Jesus
21:55and I didn't know what to say
21:57so I just looked at her
21:58and said it's Friday
21:59and I'm in love with my boyfriend.
22:03So things got really weird
22:04the next time we hung out
22:06because she said,
22:07oh, before I take you home
22:07I need to go to my doctor's office
22:09and drop something off
22:10which I quickly found out
22:11was a psychiatrist's office
22:12which people see psychiatrists,
22:15it's no big deal
22:16but it wasn't a quick thing.
22:17She had an hour-long appointment
22:19that she took me in to
22:21because she told the doctor
22:22that I was having
22:23the same problems
22:24she was having
22:25and that we all needed
22:25to talk it out.
22:27What?
22:27I found out during that hour
22:28her problems involved
22:29schizophrenia,
22:31psychotic episodes,
22:32drug use
22:33and I don't have any of that
22:35going on in my life
22:36so it was really awkward
22:37when the doctor
22:38was asking me questions
22:39about that.
22:40I just kind of shrugged
22:41and said,
22:41I don't know,
22:42like, pass.
22:43She brought you
22:44into her shrink session?
22:46What's that?
22:47She brought you in
22:48with her shrink.
22:50Yeah, she brought,
22:51what happened was
22:52she said,
22:53she had said,
22:54oh, I just have to
22:55drop something off,
22:55come in with me real quick
22:56and then we sat down
22:58and then her doctor came out
23:00and she introduced me
23:01and said,
23:02this is my friend Kristen,
23:04she's having the same
23:05problems I am,
23:05she wants to sit in
23:06on our session
23:08and I was kind of
23:09morbidly curious
23:09so I kind of went along
23:10with it.
23:11Wow.
23:12That's a dope instinct
23:13you have there.
23:14I was like,
23:14peace, immediately.
23:15Yeah, I kind of
23:16stopped talking to her
23:17after that
23:17and then she started
23:18stalking me at work
23:19and I work at a school
23:20so she demanded
23:25the janitor come out
23:26and have me come out
23:28to talk to her
23:29and that was kind of
23:30when I cut her loose.
23:31I haven't seen her since.
23:33Hell yeah.
23:33Call of the night.
23:34Congratulations.
23:35That's the best call
23:35we got in a while.
23:36Yeah, yeah, yeah.
23:39Just like to give us a call.
23:40Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
23:43That was a great call.
23:44I'm sorry that that person
23:45will eventually kill you though.
23:47Here's the bad part though.
23:49All the calls we're taking
23:50are about reuniting you
23:51with friends
23:51so we have to have
23:53the two of you reunite.
23:55Yeah, if that schizophrenic girl
23:56is watching,
23:57call in because we really
23:58want to talk to you.
24:00Definitely, right?
24:01Yeah.
24:02I want to talk to
24:03a trash can.
24:05I don't know if her personality
24:06is a trash can.
24:08I'm assuming.
24:09We'll see.
24:09We'll see.
24:10Let's go ahead.
24:10Back to the phones.
24:11Caller, you're on the air.
24:12Welcome to the show.
24:13How can we help you?
24:15Wait, am I on the show?
24:16Yeah, you are.
24:18Oh, okay.
24:19I can't really hear you.
24:20Sorry.
24:20That's okay.
24:21Who are you?
24:22I'm Rita.
24:23Rita, what do you want
24:24to talk about tonight?
24:26I'm calling in because
24:27I am the human fish's
24:29ex-lady, ex-girlfriend.
24:31I guess you could call me that.
24:34The human?
24:35Hold on.
24:36Hold on.
24:36One fucking second.
24:39The human fish's
24:40ex-girlfriend
24:41is on the phone right now.
24:42Talk to me, Rita.
24:44Yes.
24:45Yes.
24:45My name is Rita.
24:47We met not long ago.
24:50I'm a fisherwoman.
24:52And what happened was
24:54I usually hunt for goldfish.
24:55It's kind of my thing.
24:56But I stumbled upon
24:59the human fish.
25:00And we caught,
25:00we, you know,
25:01we connected for about a minute.
25:03And I was just so,
25:04I don't know.
25:05I just fell in love.
25:06I don't know what it was.
25:08I don't know.
25:09And why did you guys,
25:10why did you guys break up?
25:12Um,
25:14I'm afraid of commitment.
25:15I'm not going to lie.
25:16Wow.
25:17So after that minute and a half,
25:18I didn't know if I could stay,
25:20stay together with him.
25:22Well, I get it.
25:23I don't know.
25:23If you're used to the lifespan
25:24of a goldfish,
25:26you're not used to committing.
25:28No, I'm not.
25:28That's exactly why.
25:30I mean, it's goldfish, right?
25:31I mean, they last about, what,
25:32a month and then you're done.
25:34So human fish.
25:35You know, I stay maybe a week.
25:36It depends on if you feed them or not.
25:38But yeah,
25:39so I had to give up.
25:40Unfortunately,
25:41I've still,
25:42he's still in the back of my mind.
25:44He's still in my heart.
25:45Okay.
25:46I'm going to ask him real quick,
25:47human fish,
25:48take her back
25:49or you're not ready.
25:51Who wins?
25:54I'm not ready.
25:57The human fish is not ready.
25:58I'm sorry.
25:59That's okay.
26:00That's fine.
26:01I understand.
26:01Rita, please call back.
26:02We'll do what we can
26:03to melt the human fish's heart
26:05and make love blossom once again.
26:07I will try again next week.
26:08I'll try again.
26:09Sounds good.
26:10Thank you for the call.
26:11Ladies and gentlemen,
26:11we've had a lot of competition
26:12here on the show tonight.
26:14Things have been very tense.
26:16We've got random Christy,
26:16random Andrew battling it out.
26:18People on Twitter
26:18offering in with their opinions.
26:20We're going to have to go ahead
26:20and chill things out,
26:21offer up a heartwarming video.
26:23Ladies and gentlemen,
26:25our friend Michael Caine
26:26has made a video called
26:26Michael Caine Presents
26:27The Joys of Fatherhood
26:28with his son Truman.
26:29Let's go ahead.
26:30Let's check it out.
26:32Are you buttoning your buttons?
26:43Yeah.
26:47What are you doing?
26:53I'm trying to take a picture of you, Truman.
26:59No.
27:02It's an adorable baby
27:10trying to button his own buttons
27:11and his father filming
27:12that moment in their lives, Shannon.
27:14Maybe you should put the camera down
27:16and teach your child
27:17how to button.
27:19Shannon,
27:19why are you such a cold
27:21human being to children?
27:23Alyssa calls in.
27:24This could be a YouTube.
27:25It's like everyone's trying
27:26to make a goddamn viral video
27:28and they're forgetting
27:29to raise their kids.
27:31Shannon.
27:31Raise your kids.
27:32What do you have against youth?
27:36No.
27:36Another chance.
27:37None of these people believe that.
27:39You're being mean
27:40to an adorable baby.
27:43Raise your children.
27:45No, no.
27:46Stop videotaping them
27:48and start raising them.
27:49You don't think
27:50there's something wonderful
27:51about watching a kid
27:52try to button his own buttons?
27:53That kid's fucked.
27:53That kid is fucked.
27:54He's not fucked.
27:55He's a great kid.
27:56I know that kid.
27:57You're not going to button his shirt
27:57because it's fucking dead.
27:58I want to know.
27:59Put the camera down
28:00and teach him.
28:01What happened in your childhood?
28:03I was raised
28:03and I can button a shirt.
28:06Alyssa calls.
28:07She's 16.
28:07You always say crazy shit to her.
28:09You see a baby.
28:10You start flipping out.
28:11Yeah, I'm raising Alyssa
28:12because obviously
28:13her parents are raising her
28:1530 seconds each week.
28:17I'm raising Alyssa
28:17a little bit more.
28:18Did you notice tonight
28:19she was totally,
28:20she was like,
28:20it's fine.
28:21Yeah, because she's so used to it.
28:23No, because she's like,
28:23I get it.
28:24You're raising me.
28:24Her parents could be videotaping her.
28:25Yeah.
28:26Yeah, her parents probably
28:27are videotaping her.
28:28Yeah.
28:29Raise your kid, Michael Caine.
28:31She's going to be the worst.
28:33All right, ladies and gentlemen,
28:34we're going to hand the mic
28:35back to my friend James,
28:36a.k.a. Chubb.
28:37Let's go ahead,
28:38get it back up.
28:39Let's get our dancers
28:40back up there.
28:40Let's go down,
28:41ladies and gentlemen.
28:42Chubb.
28:43Things are looking up.
28:56So I'm looking up.
28:59My head's to the sky,
29:01cake's better than pie.
29:03Only smoke green,
29:04see that red in my eye.
29:06Yeah, that tropical,
29:07chronic road,
29:07the lettuce get fried.
29:09Text messages,
29:10swollen,
29:10I never reply.
29:12How'd I get here?
29:13I must have felt in the sky.
29:15If I don't say so myself,
29:16I'm one hell of a guy.
29:18Now, where I'm from,
29:19the young bruise they lungs.
29:21Soldiers get murdered,
29:22and the news don't come.
29:24Pretty young girls,
29:25they get their innocence stolen.
29:27And smart brothers,
29:28yeah,
29:29we live for the moment.
29:30I stare fear in the face,
29:32the real girl lazy.
29:33I ain't never know
29:35how it feel to be fake.
29:36I'm past good.
29:37See,
29:38my appearance is great.
29:39I go around the roadblocks.
29:41I'm here for the soul shop.
29:42I buy white keys
29:44for gold locks.
29:45Supply G's
29:46and sold rocks.
29:48You can say
29:48that I look like a thug,
29:50but I got a culinary degree.
29:52Yeah,
29:53cooking with love.
29:54A lot of people complain,
29:55but this ain't that.
29:57I get profiled every day.
29:59Bitch,
29:59I'm black.
30:00I can't change my race,
30:02and I don't wanna.
30:03I'm black as hell.
30:04You really gonna hate me
30:06in the summer?
30:07My head's in the sky.
30:09Cake's better than pie.
30:10Only smoke green.
30:11See that red in my eye?
30:13Hear that tropical,
30:14chronic rose of lettuce get fried.
30:16Text messages rolling.
30:18I never reply.
30:19How'd I get here?
30:21I fell from the sky.
30:22If I don't say so myself,
30:24I'm one hell of a guy.
30:25And people gonna judge me
30:26whatever I do
30:28and try to give advice
30:29on what they never been through.
30:31Why would I act like
30:33I'm better than you?
30:34That ain't about nothing.
30:36I pray for the...
30:37Friends,
30:40how many of us have them?
30:43Loyalty,
30:44devotion,
30:45passion,
30:45lassie,
30:46dog.
30:48Royalty,
30:48riches,
30:49rights of passion,
30:50prince to a frog.
30:52Internet pal,
30:53Tumblr,
30:54subscribe to my blog.
30:56West,
30:57coast,
30:57beach,
30:58hot,
30:59bod.
31:00Best friend forever.
31:01You have it all.
31:02Damn.
31:03I confide,
31:04you confide,
31:05we confide,
31:05we fly high,
31:06so we so high
31:07that on the surface
31:08of the solar sun,
31:09we reside so far
31:11and so together,
31:11we decline and subside.
31:13Never.
31:13Damn.
31:15Evenly divide everything.
31:16We pride everything.
31:17We ride everything.
31:18We fight everyone
31:19who might try to wrong
31:20everything.
31:21We ride so.
31:22Everything's all right
31:23and we dress alike
31:24and are all black
31:25everything.
31:26Twinsies.
31:29But then I get a drink
31:30and you start to talk
31:31then I start to think different.
31:33I computer process it
31:34in my mind
31:35while I'm sipping on that henny
31:36and I give anything
31:38to know what you're thinking
31:39because now I'm drinking
31:40and I'm contemplating
31:40curious cogitations.
31:42How about you?
31:42For your thoughts,
31:43I'll give a penny.
31:45My bestie is a girl
31:46and I just realized
31:47you shouldn't touch me
31:48on my neck so gently.
31:50You know that feels
31:50too damn good
31:52and the shoulder bone
31:52is connected
31:53to the collar bone
31:54and the collar bone
31:55is connected
31:55to the neck bone
31:56and the neck bone
31:57is connected
31:57to the rib bone
31:59and the rib bone
31:59is connected
32:00to that thing
32:00that makes me
32:01get a boner.
32:03Macaulay caulking
32:04with my thoughts
32:05home aloner
32:05got me thinking
32:07like a Yankee babe
32:08Ruth Homer
32:09this is new terrain
32:10I feel like a foreigner
32:11you got me wrapped
32:13around your palm
32:13isotoner
32:14it's profound
32:15how confounded
32:16I am now found
32:17in this present state
32:18Rome in a land uncharted
32:19my bestie is a dime
32:21a ten
32:21a treasure chest
32:22whose booty
32:23I had never
32:24pondered progressing
32:24nay never
32:25the thought before
32:26this moment
32:26seemed like transgressions
32:28a lesson I had never
32:29been taught
32:29to never not follow
32:30but now
32:31I never not think
32:32about her
32:32and were besties
32:33so I'm never not
32:34with her
32:34even though I'm
32:35not with her
32:35friends and fam
32:36are all surprised
32:37when I say
32:37I'm not with her
32:38and now when I'm
32:39out with her
32:39I'm never not flustered
32:41need some time
32:41to think it out
32:42Republican
32:42filibuster
32:43going to baseball
32:45games
32:46sharing hot dogs
32:47never not mustard
32:48going to Shake Shack
32:49sharing confections
32:50never not custard
32:51now we're both
32:53sharing secrets
32:53nah I never not
32:54trust her
32:55always help her
32:56clean her apartment
32:57yeah I never not
32:57dust her
32:58we even listen
32:59to slow jams
33:00and it's never
33:01not Usher
33:01which means
33:04growing friendships
33:05can eventually resolve
33:06that upset feeling
33:07that creating your stomach
33:08like Alka-Seltzer
33:09but still
33:10my best friend
33:11isn't my best friend
33:12it's more like
33:12an unasked
33:13unanswered
33:14and unknown question
33:15so I'll just ride it out
33:16equestrian horses
33:18don't want to move
33:19too fast anyway
33:20Porsches
33:21I'll just take it easy
33:22like summertime
33:23even though it's hot
33:24like torches
33:25and cool like
33:26lemonade rocking chairs
33:27and porches
33:28it's probably better
33:29anyway since 50%
33:30of all marriages
33:31are mirages
33:32that start with cake
33:33and corsages
33:33and main courses
33:34and end in divorces
33:36friends
33:38how many of us
33:39help them
33:40leaving
33:52he's gone
33:53he's leaving the studio
33:54leaving
33:55and he's out
33:56now I'm no English major
33:58but it sounded to me
33:59like Phil Jackson
33:59just reached out
34:01to a female acquaintance
34:02from his past
34:03through poetry
34:04and this is an observation
34:05not a complaint
34:06those poems get longer
34:08and longer
34:09I don't think anybody's
34:11complaining about that
34:11no one's complaining
34:11but I just want him
34:12to show up earlier
34:14so he can
34:14the more show
34:16that can be taken up
34:17by someone
34:17who's actually
34:18prepared something
34:19I think that's not
34:21a bad thing
34:21so Noah and Drew
34:23let me know
34:23when it's time
34:24to decide this contest
34:26what do you think
34:27okay
34:30let's take one more call
34:31human fish
34:32and start preparing
34:33though
34:33alright
34:33let's get ready
34:34human fish
34:35start calculating
34:37the thing
34:37let's see
34:38I am for
34:39Random Phil Jackson
34:39oh someone says
34:40let's have a
34:41Gethard Show prom
34:42that's a good
34:42future show
34:43look it
34:44I want everyone
34:46to tweet Chris Gethard
34:47and officially endorse
34:48Random Christy
34:49I say replace
34:50both Random Christy
34:51and Andrew
34:52with a possessed
34:53coconut monkey
34:54a lot of debate
34:59raging
34:59let's get one more
35:00call
35:01and caller
35:01welcome to the show
35:02how can we help
35:02you tonight
35:03hey Chris
35:04how are you
35:04hey is this Walter
35:05yeah
35:06our only fan
35:08Walter is calling in
35:10Walter's our only fan
35:12Walter is calling
35:14Walter
35:15so Walter
35:16you're the first person
35:17you ever told us
35:17you liked this show
35:18you called us up
35:19what's on your mind
35:20tonight
35:21well I
35:22just two things
35:23I wanted to say
35:24first
35:24where is Bethany
35:25Bethany's sick
35:26she's got a sinus infection
35:27we all really miss her
35:28yeah alright
35:29and um
35:30I'm sorry
35:34you know
35:34it's very hard
35:36to hear you guys
35:36I know
35:37I know
35:38and the second thing
35:39is that I just want
35:40to give a shout out
35:41to somebody
35:42that is watching
35:42the show today
35:43for the second time
35:44on her life
35:45and it's uh
35:46the one and only
35:47Random Gene
35:48Random Gene
35:49okay you guys
35:50connected through the show
35:51it's always been
35:51nice to see
35:52what is it?
35:55it was just always
35:55I feel like you
35:56and Random Gene
35:56became friends
35:57through the show
35:58and that was nice
35:58to see
35:59yeah yeah
36:00you know
36:00we're basically
36:01the number one fan
36:03and she was the
36:04Random One
36:04who went to the show
36:05so I guess
36:06we have a history
36:07with you guys
36:08yeah
36:08well I'm very glad
36:09you've always been
36:10a part of the show
36:10anything else
36:11you want to talk
36:11about tonight?
36:12no no
36:12that's all
36:13alright
36:13thank you for the call
36:14Walter
36:15very nice to hear
36:15from you
36:16Human Fish
36:17let's have you
36:17take to the
36:18poetry stage
36:19Random Andrew
36:21and Random Christy
36:21let's have you
36:22join them
36:22the moment of truth
36:24is upon us
36:25two minutes
36:28left in the whole show
36:29so Random Fish
36:31you've had a lot
36:31of time
36:31let's put you
36:32right in the middle
36:32there
36:33first before anything
36:34I want to have
36:35a round of applause
36:35for both of our
36:36Random candidates
36:36I also want to say
36:41thank you to Random
36:43Dan
36:43Random George
36:44everybody who came out
36:45the only guy
36:45this guy Random
36:47Dane
36:47never even showed up
36:48and still somehow
36:48got 12 votes
36:49but you guys
36:51everybody who showed up
36:52is awesome
36:52thank you guys
36:53for being here
36:53so much tonight
36:54it's been a lot of fun
36:56and for all the bullshit
36:57about the competition
36:57the fact that anybody
36:59cares about this show
37:00enough to be here
37:00means the world
37:01and we'll have you guys
37:02involved so much
37:03but only one person
37:04can have the coveted
37:05Random seat
37:06so Human Fish
37:07take your time
37:09but not too much time
37:10Random Christy
37:12versus Random Andrew
37:13Human Fish
37:15who wins?
37:18Random
37:19Andrew
37:22random Angie
37:26welcome to the show
37:2714 more weeks
37:28Random Christy
37:30I'm sorry
37:31but you were fantastic
37:33with me
37:34all right
37:46I was with you
37:47all the way man
37:47I was with you
37:48the whole way
37:49you and me
37:51all the way man
37:51we gotta say
37:52our good nights
37:53right now
37:53I wanna thank
37:53everybody for watching
37:54I wanna thank
37:55everybody for being here
37:55our randoms
37:56everyone for coming
37:57out in the crowd
37:58my old friend James
37:59so good to see you again
38:00James I can't help
38:00but notice
38:00a lot of the show
38:01you've spent like
38:02holding your head
38:03in your hands
38:03shaking your head
38:04what's going on
38:04this is some funny shit
38:06yeah
38:06how do you feel
38:08about how my life
38:08has turned out
38:09okay
38:11I'll take it
38:12I'll take it
38:13ladies and gentlemen
38:13we wanna thank you all
38:14so much
38:15www.thecrisgethertshow.com
38:17please visit us
38:19come watch the show
38:20come check out the show
38:21tell your friends
38:21we exist
38:22word of mouth
38:22is the best
38:23have a great night
38:24the LLC
38:24is gonna take us out
38:25good night
38:27people are not happy
38:57about this
38:57right
38:58it'll change
38:59it'll change
39:00clap please
39:02unclap
39:02no positive feedback
39:08on this
39:08no positive feedback
39:10on this
39:11okay
39:13okay
39:14there's one
39:15she's my friend
39:17so your friends
39:19are happy
39:20live stream
39:26thank you guys
39:26for checking it out
39:27you're the best
39:27let everybody know
39:29we exist
39:29we hope you had fun
39:30we look forward to
39:3114 more weeks
39:32with Brandon Andrew
39:33involving even more people
39:34thank you so much
39:35have a great night
39:36people demanding a recount
39:39of one vote
39:42congrats
39:53congrats
39:53thank you
39:54thank you very much
39:55and Christy
39:56nice to meet you
39:57nice to meet you
39:58for coming
40:03thank you
40:05thank you
40:06you
40:08thank you
40:09okay
40:09good
40:11good
40:12thanks
40:13all
40:14thanks
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