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00:00:00Transcription by CastingWords
00:00:30Transcription by CastingWords
00:01:00Transcription by CastingWords
00:01:30You have one unheard message.
00:01:32First unheard message.
00:01:34Hey, Will, it's Dad.
00:01:36I doubt you'll get this in time, but I've got a computer guy from school helping me here,
00:01:41and we need the password to get into Windows.
00:01:44We need the password to get into Outlook.
00:01:48It's not Crabcake69.
00:01:49So if you get this within the next four minutes, give me a call back or else to Gerald, I need
00:01:57to talk to you about something, so give me a call back.
00:01:59But I think we're packing them up.
00:02:01All right.
00:02:02Bye.
00:02:02What he wanted to talk to me about, besides computers...
00:02:06End of message.
00:02:08...was cancer.
00:02:09Bye.
00:02:10Bye.
00:02:10But first things first, this is my family.
00:02:17I'm Will Kristen, and I'm a filmmaker.
00:02:19Will, try that again.
00:02:20I'm Will Kristen, and I occasionally make films.
00:02:24That's my twin brother, or roommate, Jesse.
00:02:26Hey, Jesse.
00:02:27Come on.
00:02:27I'm a minute older.
00:02:29Jeez, Jesse.
00:02:30Look where Jesse is.
00:02:32Jesse, come down.
00:02:33And it usually shows.
00:02:35I also have a younger sister, Sarah.
00:02:38I have to show this tape to Mom.
00:02:40Let's see if there's a hard-working American housewife.
00:02:43Well...
00:02:43Come on, go away.
00:02:45Okay, go away.
00:02:47Our mom was raised Catholic in rural Missouri before running away to be a flight attendant.
00:02:52Oh, there's Mommy.
00:02:54Hello.
00:02:54On a layover in Denver, she met my dad, a Jewish actor and poet from Brooklyn.
00:03:05By the way, if you think growing up Catholic and Jewish sounds cool, try eating at a Passover
00:03:12Seder on Good Friday and see what happens.
00:03:17Other than that, my childhood in our small Boston suburb was pretty typical, except that
00:03:24when I was little, my dad stopped living with us.
00:03:29It's not that he wasn't around.
00:03:31We just didn't know what he did when he wasn't being our dad.
00:03:36Oh, look at Mama.
00:03:37One, two.
00:03:41Dad, just keep your face like that.
00:03:43Just like that.
00:03:44It's beautiful.
00:03:44That's beautiful.
00:03:45One, two.
00:03:47I wish I could say life continued like a wholesome snapshot.
00:04:09But the years went on, and I saw less of my father.
00:04:14What happened to Dave?
00:04:15You just got used to it, huh?
00:04:16Where'd he go?
00:04:18Something always got in the way of me spending more time with him.
00:04:21Plus, my mom's house was more comfortable.
00:04:24Then, at age 62, he died.
00:04:28And I was lost.
00:04:29Suddenly, without him, I felt like I didn't have a compass to help me navigate the big
00:04:35life stuff—relationships, health, spirituality, money, work, and maybe one day being a parent
00:04:41myself.
00:04:44It's not like my dad was a compass I followed before he died.
00:04:48He always struggled financially, so I worked long hours to make sure I didn't end up like
00:04:54him.
00:04:54It's going to be pretty interesting if you leave all of the time that you're typing the
00:04:59email in there.
00:05:01He dabbled in the arts, and I studied business.
00:05:04Do I run a lot of emails?
00:05:05Okay.
00:05:06I became a consultant, and he—
00:05:09Want me to do that thing?
00:05:10Yeah.
00:05:12Needed consulting.
00:05:15All right, you tried gulping a glass of water.
00:05:17Let's go.
00:05:18When he died, I was in my mid-twenties with shingles from overworking.
00:05:22I remember my bright screens as much as our last days together.
00:05:27I realized I'd never get to ask him myself why didn't he stay with us, why couldn't he
00:05:33stick with any normal job, and what was he doing instead?
00:05:37During his life, he disentangled himself from our family.
00:05:42After his death, I was determined to hold on to the threads.
00:05:46Without knowing who he was, I didn't know who I was.
00:05:49I caught glimpses of my dad's utopian ideals from time to time.
00:05:56But I never understood what he stood for.
00:05:59I did remember him telling me about a screenplay he wrote for a movie called Groovopolis.
00:06:04Of course, I never read it.
00:06:11I had emails to respond to.
00:06:13But now, I wanted to know about my dad's unfinished dream.
00:06:17Do you want me to keep holding this?
00:06:19And about him when he was dreaming it.
00:06:21Uh, you can start.
00:06:22What do you got?
00:06:28I started through, and in here, it looks like rough pages of it.
00:06:35Groovopolis.
00:06:36Really?
00:06:36Oh my gosh, there's so many copies of this.
00:06:44My dad and I only talked about the project once.
00:06:47There's a character named Sarah.
00:06:49During a rare chat on one of my many late-night commute home from work.
00:06:53Surprise, surprise.
00:06:54I remembered three things from that conversation.
00:07:03One, he wrote the screenplay in the early 90s.
00:07:07Two, he worked on it with someone in L.A.
00:07:10Three, the movie never got made.
00:07:13Strikes you out at the old farm.
00:07:20Sure, Mr. Tabor.
00:07:21That is what we have agreed to.
00:07:23Good.
00:07:24Handshake will seal the bargain.
00:07:25Hopefully, you two boys will strike it rich.
00:07:28Do-do-do-do-do-do-do.
00:07:30Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.
00:07:32Hello, Ward.
00:07:33I'm home.
00:07:34Hello, Beaver.
00:07:36Dad acted here and there in the early 90s.
00:07:39He was always playing parts.
00:07:41This darn old carriage.
00:07:43It's the darn old gate.
00:07:47Darn.
00:07:48But this was his script.
00:07:50Something from his own mind and experiences.
00:07:52Hello again, everyone.
00:07:54How it goes, self-speaking of sports.
00:07:56Today in the news, Jesse Billion.
00:07:57What could it tell me about who he really was?
00:07:59Could his fictional world teach me about his reality?
00:08:04To find out, I needed to talk to the people who knew him best back then, around the time I was born.
00:08:09So I called Jeff, who wrote Groovopolis, with my dad.
00:08:15Hello?
00:08:16Hi, is this Jeff?
00:08:18Yeah.
00:08:19Jeff, it's Will Kristen.
00:08:21Hey, Will. How are you?
00:08:23I'm doing well. How are you doing?
00:08:26I'm doing good.
00:08:26I have the correspondence that you and my dad, I guess, sent back and forth in the 90s.
00:08:34Wow.
00:08:35Okay.
00:08:36I'm like, right next...
00:08:37I mean, if that's still around, what were they...
00:08:40What kind of...
00:08:42What format they have?
00:08:44They're in a lot of different forms.
00:08:46A lot of different formats.
00:08:47And, yeah, I mean, my dad was kind of a hoarder, so I feel like I'm lucky that we found this.
00:08:57Like, do you know if you have the most recent version of it or anything?
00:09:01Yeah, I actually found one.
00:09:04I was cleaning out a bunch of storage bins outside of our house.
00:09:09I had some old scripts in there, you know, the hard copies.
00:09:13That brings me to another question, which could make this easier.
00:09:16Um, I'm wondering if maybe we can meet up sometime.
00:09:20Do you want to do something with this or what?
00:09:23Yeah.
00:09:24Do you just want to have...
00:09:26Where is it?
00:09:36Uh...
00:09:37Your destination is on the right.
00:09:40I don't recognize this at all.
00:09:41On my way to meet Jeff, I stop by my old childhood home.
00:09:48Escape.
00:09:50Escape into the big world.
00:09:51Soon enough, my friends.
00:09:53Soon enough.
00:09:54That looks totally right.
00:09:56Yep, yep.
00:09:57Yep, you're born there, dear.
00:09:59All right.
00:10:00And then I found Jeff.
00:10:03I had brought with me a copy of the Groovopolis script, along with an old letter from my dad.
00:10:09The final thought, I always liked the vocation of artist, because I felt the problems I was
00:10:15having with my art showed me where the same problems were in my real life.
00:10:20If my writing is too wordy, if it likes discipline, if my acting is too busy, I'm afraid to just
00:10:25be, then lo and behold, those are the same defenses I use in my life.
00:10:29A lot of the details are fuzzy for me now.
00:10:40I mean, like, reading that thing, reading his letter was interesting, so it just kind of
00:10:44brought a lot of the stuff back.
00:10:47Both of us loved music in a very kind of strong way, passionate way.
00:10:53We spent a lot of time listening to music.
00:10:57We would always have music on, and it just, you know, it just seemed natural to be a natural
00:11:02theme for the script, something to do with music.
00:11:06I think the idea with Groovopolis was to make it kind of a more, a hipper, groovier, of
00:11:13course, version of Footloose.
00:11:16That was kind of the thought.
00:11:24I never, I never even seen Footloose.
00:11:25Footloose was an 80s musical drama about a teenager who attempts to overturn a small
00:11:33town ban on dancing.
00:11:35I hadn't seen it either.
00:11:37Groovopolis wasn't as straightforward, but it was basically about a square businessman
00:11:41called by a greater force to loosen up.
00:11:44I thought the mysteries of my dad could be hidden in this script.
00:11:47And if so, making his movie might reveal them.
00:11:51So I asked Jeff if I could try to finish what he and my dad had started.
00:11:55Do you have your script copy anywhere?
00:12:03I do.
00:12:04Ready?
00:12:05And, uh, here we go.
00:12:08Elizabeth Tooley steps through a doorway from an outside deck, toting a jumbo margarita.
00:12:14It's pretty out there.
00:12:16It's getting a little dark, though.
00:12:18Oh, but you know what?
00:12:19I think I saw Bermuda, just a little tiny bit of the tip, way, way off.
00:12:24Phillip's in his mid-30s.
00:12:26This is a dedicated, hardworking man with the personality of a paper clip.
00:12:32Oh, Phillip, look.
00:12:34Rose and George are dancing.
00:12:35Aren't they cute?
00:12:38Yes.
00:12:39Impressive technique.
00:12:40That's just the opening, where you can get a sense of their personalities.
00:12:48Are you ready, folks?
00:12:50Put your hands together for the president and founding father of Soothing Zinc, Mr. Calvin Ruff.
00:13:04Look at you.
00:13:06What a fine brood.
00:13:07You know, when I started this company back in 1957...
00:13:13Could I see the world as my dad saw it, and understand his struggles with it?
00:13:17...become the most successful producer of mood music in the Midwest.
00:13:22The rich, rambling boss.
00:13:24The desire to avoid becoming bland.
00:13:27This year, I'd especially like to commend our programming department.
00:13:32Phillip, Randy, where are they?
00:13:35The wish for companionship.
00:13:36Yes, sir.
00:13:37And those boys did an amazing job with those bossa nova hip rap sounds...
00:13:42And the paradox of work that feeds you, but doesn't feed your soul.
00:13:47...gave us our healthy earnings from Royal Northern.
00:13:51Was my dad trying to warn me that I could become a paperclip?
00:13:54Having said all that, I am no longer the president of Soothing's Incorporated.
00:14:06Anyway, Ainsworth Droppo's a smart young fella from the big city.
00:14:11You'll like him.
00:14:12Thank you, Mr. Rupp.
00:14:15Thank you, Mr. Rupp.
00:14:18My, my, my. You certainly are a fine brood.
00:14:22Oh my.
00:14:47I...
00:14:57Philip?
00:14:58Yes, dear?
00:15:02I think I'm feeling that way.
00:15:07Well, we did schedule lovemaking for early morning.
00:15:12I forgot. I'm sorry.
00:15:14Oh, come on now. Sorry's are silly.
00:15:16And make the day hilly.
00:15:24What's wrong?
00:15:25My briefcase. I think I left it in the ballroom.
00:15:30Back in a maximum of six minutes.
00:15:32Okay.
00:15:46I think it's going to be a disaster of hurt.
00:16:03We're headed east.
00:16:1624.6 knots.
00:16:33Hey, Dave, wave.
00:16:50As I filmed the scenes, I began to wonder if my dad's nature came from rebelling against his own upbringing, or perhaps his generations.
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00:18:24So
00:18:46Unlike Philip's dad, ours openly encouraged us to engage with the music we heard.
00:18:51My earliest childhood memory is also my favorite one, my dad taking my brother and I to a jazz concert at the Santa Monica Pier.
00:19:02It's obvious that our love of music came from him.
00:19:11Without it, my brother probably wouldn't go from air drumming to becoming a touring professional drummer.
00:19:17One time, our dad asked us if he should sell his massive collection of vinyl records.
00:19:25No way, we told him.
00:19:27This became our only inheritance, and while we got it far sooner than anticipated, it was probably the only thing we were glad he hoarded.
00:19:34We didn't get a chance to appreciate his records when we were young, but there was something that deeply influenced us.
00:19:43A single mixtape played on the heaviest of rotations in my dad's red sunbird convertible.
00:19:49Lighten up!
00:20:02It was the soundtrack to our memories.
00:20:05Memories that were fragmented, scattered, and haphazardly stitched together like the songs on the mix.
00:20:11It was just an old tape and a pile of stuff, but it contained inexplicable power.
00:20:18I think it's the one.
00:20:20Here's what I've been sorting through all day.
00:20:23Power to conjure up our dad at his happiest and his most free.
00:20:27I'm excited because I just came over here to set up music not too long ago.
00:20:38And I found this.
00:20:42It just says LA.
00:20:52Hold on, Jess, I just want to show you something.
00:20:54I found it!
00:20:58I found it!
00:21:02Damn it!
00:21:03That's so awesome.
00:21:04I'm going to find it!
00:21:09I love rock and roll!
00:21:11Spill my diamonds too much, baby!
00:21:14I love rock and roll!
00:21:16So come take time and dance with me!
00:21:18I love rock and roll!
00:21:42Time!
00:21:43I know.
00:21:44Heavy downpour
00:21:47I still don't know where I am, the rhythmic sounds coming from the palm, further investigation
00:22:00required.
00:22:01Hello, I'm Philip Tooley, Soothing Zinc, it's incredible that you all are here, were you
00:22:15a shipwrecked hill, um, hello, hello, excuse me sir, did anybody hear me?
00:22:36No.
00:22:37Screwing chez me.
00:22:38No.
00:22:39No.
00:22:40No.
00:22:41No.
00:22:42No.
00:22:43No.
00:22:44No
00:22:46No.
00:22:47No.
00:22:48No.
00:22:49No.
00:22:53No.
00:23:02In the town where we grew up, everyone and their mother was Catholic.
00:23:19My dad was an outlier.
00:23:21More spiritual than religious, he constantly reminded us that if there's a heaven, there can't only be one way into it.
00:23:29I looked for parallels in the script.
00:23:32Groovopolis Philip was pulled by some higher musical force.
00:23:36My dad was compelled to explore his Jewish roots more as he aged.
00:23:41He had run from and then back to Judaism.
00:23:49I wanted to know more about that from Ami, who I knew as my dad's Jewish friend.
00:23:56He lives in Israel now.
00:23:57I remember the first time I actually met him as I was cleaning out some trash in the garage on the Crystal Cope side of my house.
00:24:05And I was taking the trash out and he had his red car.
00:24:09And I think you guys were actually in the car when he drove by.
00:24:11He stopped because he liked trash.
00:24:14And I understand.
00:24:16No, I understand.
00:24:16People throw out interesting things, you know.
00:24:19And that was the first time I think that we actually met and connected.
00:24:23Up until, I think, where I met him, his Jewishness was like a bagel and laughs kind of thing.
00:24:32Bagel.
00:24:33Bagel.
00:24:33Bagel.
00:24:34Bagel.
00:24:35Bagel.
00:24:36What goes with the bagel?
00:24:37He also wants to.
00:24:38What goes with the bagel?
00:24:40Fish.
00:24:41Fish.
00:24:42And also that stemmed from his mom being, like, of the Holocaust generation and that, like, if you're a Jew, you've got to hide.
00:24:51Like, we used to, he used to come over Friday night a lot for Shabbos dinner.
00:24:55After we ate, sometimes we went for a walk on the beach.
00:24:58We would ask questions.
00:24:59We'd talk.
00:25:02We'll get back to Ami in a moment.
00:25:04First, here's my dad reading an autobiographical poem during a performance in my hometown.
00:25:11I was in high school at the time, too embarrassed to be there myself.
00:25:15Ladies and gentlemen, Dave and Chris there.
00:25:20I wanted to keep my kids safe from the Nazis and the booted Cossacks and the sidewalk bullies covered in tattoos and griefs.
00:25:30So I took Danny Sheldon Crivelin, fat with schlouts and grimlets and funny and loud and crankin' like the subways of New York,
00:25:40and I mangled him into David Daniel Crispin.
00:25:45He never sweats or screams or passes the potatoes with his fingers, and I married deep into the flat Midwest.
00:25:55The boys were born.
00:25:57The boys were blind.
00:25:59None of the kids like smoked whitefish.
00:26:01And none of the kids can make the kk sound, so khali comes out khali.
00:26:07That's pretty funny, huh?
00:26:10And the mother sends them to church on Sunday and brags that the father blesses their throats,
00:26:15and I stay home throwing up in the bathroom.
00:26:19Praying to a white-haired patriarch who talks in flames and makes Job suffer,
00:26:24and pouts while he bellows,
00:26:28Thou shalt have no other god before me.
00:26:32And Christ dangles, smirking on the cross.
00:26:35He knows that the next Nazis will measure the noses of my children,
00:26:39and know they had a kike father.
00:26:42And all my choosing out of terror,
00:26:45battling in the corner clammy-skinned terror,
00:26:48and achieve nothing.
00:26:50And I'm left with a state of my own cowards
00:26:53that will never, never come clean.
00:27:03Hey, Christy, St. James.
00:27:06Yesterday, Pops the Turtle was found located on a highway near Rolla, Missouri.
00:27:11Today, Willie, Jesse, David, and Virginia
00:27:14will return Pops the Turtle to safety,
00:27:17a momentous occasion in nature.
00:27:20Oh, this turtle must go free today.
00:27:24This turtle, that's the name of this video.
00:27:26This turtle must go free today.
00:27:28Oh, what a bumpy road.
00:27:30I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope.
00:27:36Three!
00:27:39Okay, he's out.
00:27:40He's out.
00:27:44Here's Ami again.
00:27:45Keith, it's just all about compassion.
00:27:48But Judaism is an idea that, like, compassion obviously is a good thing,
00:27:52but you have to weigh it with strength.
00:27:55Because if you have too much compassion,
00:27:57that can actually hurt somebody.
00:28:00So you have to, like, you have to always balance things out.
00:28:03You know?
00:28:04Good morning, Papa.
00:28:06What's your favorite breakfast?
00:28:09Whitefish, bagels?
00:28:10And mushrooms and eggs.
00:28:14As strong as he was in certain ways,
00:28:16there were some ways that he was very, very weak.
00:28:18Okay.
00:28:19You know?
00:28:20To have a companion was very important.
00:28:22He just, loneliness.
00:28:23He hated loneliness.
00:28:25You know?
00:28:26That was the thing that cut away at him the most.
00:28:30Ladies and gentlemen, this is Douglas Edwards,
00:28:32here with Virginia Land Christi, noted costume designer.
00:28:36I think he asked a lot about, like, the Jewish afterlife
00:28:47and, like, what was going to happen to him when he died.
00:28:51And, like, um...
00:28:53And at the time, I didn't think that he, like,
00:28:58that was going to be it for him, you know?
00:29:00Because I knew he'd gone through so much already, you know?
00:29:02So maybe he knew it was worse off than he said it was.
00:29:16I knew he wasn't fulfilled.
00:29:18But Ami helped me understand just how lonely he often felt.
00:29:23It made me wish I had showed up at that poetry reading.
00:29:28And at other times, too.
00:29:30Ah, the juggler.
00:29:31Summer of 87.
00:29:32With the beach.
00:29:37Can you boys do that?
00:29:39You juggle rocks like poppy?
00:29:44One of the last things he said is,
00:29:45don't forget you're Jewish.
00:29:49So he said, kind of out of nowhere, actually.
00:29:53Like, we weren't really talking.
00:29:54He was, like, in his hospital bed.
00:29:57He was, like, don't forget you're Jewish.
00:30:02Dreadle, dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made it out of clay.
00:30:08And when it's dry and ready, and when it's dry and ready, then dreidel, I shall play.
00:30:14Oh, well, gentlemen, it's your first Hanukkah, second Christmas.
00:30:23I've never celebrated Hanukkah before.
00:30:29Never celebrated much.
00:30:30So, it's sort of fun to have these two holidays here.
00:30:38I want these kids to be filled up.
00:30:40I want them to be filled up so that when they become grown-ups, they can give.
00:30:45And not be angry and not be hostile and hostile, because they'll be filled up.
00:30:51So, it's a holidays.
00:30:54It's a holidays.
00:30:57I've decorated the nanny room for days.
00:31:04And, like you see, happens to get here for Hanukkah.
00:31:07Are you filled, too, Lee?
00:31:30Your muffin's ready, honey.
00:31:31This is a nice tie.
00:31:57Honey?
00:31:58Yeah?
00:31:58I'm leaving down with your brownie's phone number next to the phone.
00:32:01That sea disaster psychiatrist I told you about?
00:32:05Call him, okay?
00:32:06You can't be too careful.
00:32:08Thank you, my island, princess.
00:32:16Back at my mom's, I started wondering if my dad hated being alone so much.
00:32:21Who was keeping him company all those years?
00:32:24All right.
00:32:25Go, go.
00:32:26Let the games begin.
00:32:28I guess I want to know if there's anything in here that I want to scan.
00:32:34Yeah.
00:32:35A lot of this is thrown away.
00:32:36So, I'm not going to know anyone.
00:32:38Like, you know these people.
00:32:39I know.
00:32:39All right.
00:32:40Oh, my God.
00:32:41Look at Sharon Steinman.
00:32:43Oh, look.
00:32:45Tommy and Kendra.
00:32:47Here's my sister in a prom date.
00:32:50Bobby Delafano.
00:32:52So Winthrop.
00:32:54Do you guys want to eat before you leave?
00:32:58Wait, what's this?
00:32:59What?
00:33:01Bee stuff.
00:33:03I would say put that down on the high boy dresser.
00:33:06Who's the?
00:33:07And what?
00:33:08Is this?
00:33:14Don't know.
00:33:14Oh, my God.
00:33:16Oh, my God.
00:33:16Oh, my God.
00:33:16Okay, so let me go back.
00:33:24Let me just tell you, and I'll try not to go into too much, you know, craziness.
00:33:30And you can just stop me if I go into too much, but.
00:33:32It's okay.
00:33:32I want to know about that stuff.
00:33:34Yeah, okay.
00:33:35All right.
00:33:35So, I came to Harper College in 1967, and here, right away, I run into your father.
00:33:43And we became friends immediately.
00:33:48The big thing I remember was that all of his friends were extremely impressed with him.
00:33:53He was a very charismatic person.
00:33:57And he was like that all his life.
00:33:58He drew people to him, and they just, you know, and he could charm them.
00:34:04Like, he could charm a snake.
00:34:06He worked in New York for a while at a job he hated.
00:34:09I had this memory of in the wintertime where he was just so bummed out.
00:34:14Just really unhappy.
00:34:16Hated the job.
00:34:17What job was it?
00:34:18It was, I don't know, insurance company, something very mundane.
00:34:27And hated it, just hated it.
00:34:31Really almost in tears he was, and talked about how much he hated this job, and he had to get out.
00:34:37And I said, so get out.
00:34:40Get out.
00:34:41There's nothing keeping you there.
00:34:42Why do you have to stay in this job?
00:34:44You hate it.
00:34:45And he did.
00:34:45Our mom just said dad was lazy.
00:35:06It's Friday, I think.
00:35:09Nobody said he might be suffering.
00:35:12Maybe down four.
00:35:13In truth, I didn't remember my dad working any traditional type jobs.
00:35:22Arrhythmic sounds kind of like a bomb.
00:35:24Further investigation required.
00:35:26Good night.
00:35:39Good night.
00:35:48I think, and then of course, you know, when you guys were born, you know, one of you had
00:36:04the, which one was it, was it you, I guess, was it your brother, is it you or your brother
00:36:08that had the...
00:36:08Jesse was born with a cleft lip, cleft lip and palate.
00:36:12Yeah.
00:36:12And he, that just really blew his mind.
00:36:19It never occurred to him that you might have kids and the kids might have a medical problem.
00:36:23I mean, it just never heard to him and he didn't have any money and, you know, he felt, I think.
00:36:29And now he had to provide for the families that meant, like, real jobs.
00:36:32He didn't like real jobs.
00:36:33He had, like, a job, a marketing job.
00:36:35He had this team and I talked to the people on the team and they were like, wow, you know,
00:36:39David's great.
00:36:40He's so, you know, ah, ah, ah.
00:36:42It was just like everything I had always heard since I was a teenager, you know, like,
00:36:47oh, you know, your father was his big figure and they'd all look up to him.
00:36:51But I don't think he felt that way about himself.
00:36:53I think that he was sort of like a hollow man in those ways.
00:36:59You know, he was diagnosed bipolar.
00:37:02He was fundamentally a good person, but he was sick.
00:37:05He was sick.
00:37:06And he didn't want, he didn't deal with the fact that he was sick very well.
00:37:11He didn't think of the effect of what's not taking the medication would have on his family.
00:37:20I didn't mean to cut him out of my life forever, you know.
00:37:23I just wanted to, I just wanted to, I just wanted to, I just wanted to, I didn't want to deal with him when he was that crazy.
00:37:34He didn't want any kind of constraint, right?
00:37:43He wanted to be free.
00:37:46Of course, that, that kind of desire for freedom becomes a constraint in itself.
00:37:51I started to see a pattern.
00:37:57He wanted independence so badly, but always relied on someone else for help.
00:38:02Who that someone was changed a lot.
00:38:06The exact timeline of who my dad dated and when has always been fuzzy to me.
00:38:10I know he was with a few different women after he and my mom separated, and at least one while they were together.
00:38:15Sure, we'll get to her.
00:38:17But Kathy was his last partner.
00:38:20Maybe she could help me understand him at that late stage in his life.
00:38:24You met your dad, right?
00:38:29You know, life was hard for him.
00:38:36He didn't have, there was some like basic life skills that he didn't have.
00:38:39He wasn't very good at, you know, plodding through life and doing the things that you're supposed to do.
00:38:47I think in part it was a choice, and I think part it was a restriction of his mental illness.
00:38:54And it's not like he really continued being able to functionally pursue any creative stuff.
00:39:01Like, even he said, Brooklyn boy, he was transitioning between contacts and glasses or something,
00:39:07and he just like could never get it together to get the contacts.
00:39:11So, it's not like he, like, really became a successful actor.
00:39:19He made me laugh every single day.
00:39:22And, you know, he made me cry about every third day, and he pissed me off every other day.
00:39:27He just, he had an interesting perspective, because he didn't have kind of a traditional life.
00:39:37Hearing Kathy's stories made me wonder how much control my dad had over his life.
00:39:43My siblings and I were once part of a study for kids of bipolar parents,
00:39:47but we just figured we were doing it so our dad could earn some cash.
00:39:50By the end of it, his life seemed like a far cry from the unregimented freedom that his Groovopolis characters enjoy.
00:39:59Did my dad still experience rainbows, or just rain?
00:40:08What'd you get?
00:40:10I don't know, we'll find out.
00:40:14What's the charity called?
00:40:16Community Servants.
00:40:17See my dad, see my dad use the hard-ass money I work for to feed his face.
00:40:34Wait, are you doing a documentary on me?
00:40:40Let's see what we got.
00:40:42We got sweet and sour, chicken, pasta, and beans.
00:40:46That's a pretty good thing there.
00:40:49And frittata fish.
00:40:52I hate frittata, but...
00:40:53Dad, how are the medical bills paid?
00:41:02I have Medicare
00:41:04and Mass Health, because I'm poor.
00:41:07And it covers all of it?
00:41:11All.
00:41:13Really?
00:41:15Wow.
00:41:17Can you imagine?
00:41:22So does that make you angry?
00:41:24No, of course not.
00:41:25That's awesome.
00:41:26Well, how does it make you feel, though?
00:41:28You know?
00:41:28It actually...
00:41:30I don't know.
00:41:33People complain about health stuff so much,
00:41:35I assume there was a problem with people not getting health care enough.
00:41:39Well, it's good to be either rich or poor in America.
00:41:48One day you looked up at me and you said,
00:41:50you gotta work, right, Dad?
00:41:54Ah, did I feel crummy?
00:41:58Yes.
00:41:59The answer is yes.
00:42:01You gotta.
00:42:04I didn't know my dad felt ashamed of not being a provider.
00:42:08Sometimes I felt ashamed that I was working a, quote,
00:42:11real job instead of being a full-time artist.
00:42:13The more I dug into the script and talked to people from my dad's life,
00:42:18the less foreign his struggles became.
00:42:21I wish I had more talks like this with him.
00:42:24I would have asked him about the good stuff.
00:42:26What gives him hope and brings him joy?
00:42:29And I also would have asked him about this other tape
00:42:31that I found when I was looking for my dad's mixtape.
00:42:34I knew who this tape came from.
00:42:47I knew about her because my mom knew about her.
00:42:50It was from a woman named Lena,
00:42:52who my dad had a son with sometime during my childhood.
00:43:00Wake up.
00:43:01You're dreaming.
00:43:04I overheard stories growing up,
00:43:10like that she sent a picture of a burning airplane to my mom
00:43:13because she knew my mom was a flight attendant.
00:43:18Wake up. You're dreaming.
00:43:20But to bring up Lena was taboo.
00:43:23Actually, taboo is an understatement.
00:43:34Did you want that cheap?
00:43:51So when I found another photo of Lena's son in a card with my dad's stuff,
00:43:55I fought the butterflies in my stomach
00:43:58and showed my mom another piece of mail that Lena had sent
00:44:01to see if I could learn more about what really happened.
00:44:04Oh.
00:44:06Oh, when did he send this?
00:44:10Did he get this?
00:44:12I have no idea what that is.
00:44:14I got more pictures of that kid.
00:44:32He looks more like your friend Kenny.
00:44:35Oh, that's very sweet.
00:44:40Should I put this with the other stuff?
00:44:44I mean, Dave always denied it.
00:44:46She had five kids by five different men,
00:44:49and then she had this one by Dave.
00:44:52But that was her M.O.
00:44:54That's how she supported herself since she was 19 years old.
00:44:58Do the math.
00:44:59Five kids, 40 years old,
00:45:02and she's suddenly pregnant with a kid that looks nothing like you
00:45:07that nobody would give a name to.
00:45:09Hold on.
00:45:09And then now she's supposedly all happy with this lawyer man.
00:45:15Oh, no shit.
00:45:16A lawyer, Lena.
00:45:18Hey, Mom.
00:45:19I can't do this.
00:45:20No, no, no, no, no, no.
00:45:21No, I'm not going to do this.
00:45:24Stop filming right now, William.
00:45:30Okay, if you're puzzled,
00:45:32that's because it's puzzling.
00:45:35Here's what I knew for sure.
00:45:37I had a half-brother named Josh.
00:45:39Our moms never got along.
00:45:41And we often got caught in the middle.
00:45:44Oh, and Josh's mom was into witchcraft.
00:45:47Anyway, I wanted to respect my mom's wish for me to stop.
00:45:51But I desperately needed to know about this dark magic
00:45:54and my half-brother.
00:45:56So I kept the audio recording.
00:45:57Lena and I would work, and he would watch children.
00:46:02I came home from a trip, and your ass was all black and blue
00:46:06because you didn't make it to the bathroom.
00:46:08I could no longer leave you alone with him.
00:46:11I had to hire help when I flew,
00:46:13even though you had a dad
00:46:15who was the caregiver, the househusband,
00:46:19the home dad, or whatever the fuck they call him.
00:46:26Well, you don't want to record when I feel of this matter.
00:46:30Hey, Mom, listen.
00:46:31Can I just tell you?
00:46:31I know you shouldn't make emails to answer them.
00:46:33Home dad?
00:46:38Cut the narration.
00:46:40Cut the bill.
00:46:42Please.
00:46:43I don't really remember physical abuse,
00:46:47which each of my parents accused the other of doing.
00:46:50But I do remember the yelling,
00:46:52being caught in the middle of adults
00:46:54with their own pain to process.
00:46:57I thought talking would help clarify things,
00:46:59but I guess even now it was going to feel taboo.
00:47:03While my mom's version is not totally accurate,
00:47:06in fact, Lena only had one more kid than her,
00:47:09this is how my mother felt.
00:47:11Even after my father's death,
00:47:13she still didn't want to talk about Lena or Josh at all.
00:47:18But I felt it was now possible
00:47:20to explore things that were always off limits.
00:47:24So I went to my siblings
00:47:26who were caught in the middle with me.
00:47:27weren't my brother and sister curious
00:47:30about our dad's other family, too?
00:47:33Jesse!
00:47:33What's that way?
00:47:36Do you know why I want to go upstate?
00:47:40I gather that you want to get up
00:47:42when I'm about to dad.
00:47:45Any other ideas why I might want to go
00:47:48to upstate New York?
00:47:50Oh, God.
00:47:51Why are you keeping us a secret?
00:47:58I'm not!
00:47:59Why do you think I'm telling you?
00:48:00Why do you think we're talking about it?
00:48:03Is it a bad idea?
00:48:06Yeah, but, like, it's us.
00:48:07Why don't we still manage to run over there?
00:48:10Yeah, I know.
00:48:11But I don't know, like...
00:48:12I think we should meet Josh.
00:48:17It's a little bit of a wind fuck.
00:48:19Turn right onto East Coast Street.
00:48:34My sister Sarah couldn't be swayed
00:48:36to meet Josh and Lena.
00:48:38So she stayed home.
00:48:39Should I park right in front?
00:48:41Like my mom,
00:48:42she didn't want to go anywhere near this,
00:48:45which is understandable.
00:48:46The destination is on your right.
00:48:49I felt like I was getting closer
00:48:51to witnessing my dad
00:48:52when he was making that mixtape
00:48:54and writing Groovopolis.
00:48:55I was finally unearthing him
00:48:57at his freest.
00:48:59But to my mom and sister,
00:49:02that freedom
00:49:03just looked like...
00:49:05abandonment.
00:49:08I also felt anger toward my dad
00:49:10for fucking things up for our family.
00:49:13How could he do this to us?
00:49:14How could he do it to me?
00:49:15As a teenager,
00:49:17I remember him once telling me
00:49:18in an exasperated way
00:49:20that it's so hard to love one woman.
00:49:23Sure, I understand that better now,
00:49:26but did he feel responsibility to us
00:49:28or just to free love?
00:49:31What is your intent?
00:49:32Because there's some things
00:49:32that are so intense
00:49:34that have to do with you, Sarah,
00:49:36and Will,
00:49:37and things that he told me
00:49:40from his perspective.
00:49:42I'm Will.
00:49:42Yes, Will, Jesse, Sarah.
00:49:47I know you're Will.
00:49:48Wait, so I know there's a lot.
00:49:52What I wanted to know
00:49:53but was too nervous to ask was
00:49:55if my dad was happier with them.
00:49:57Was he like that freewheeling character
00:49:59he was writing about at the time?
00:50:01Had he been somehow transformed
00:50:03and enlightened on an island
00:50:04in Groovopolis?
00:50:05The last thing I want to do
00:50:07is like cause you additional stress
00:50:09or cause my mom stress.
00:50:10Oh, well,
00:50:12I only met your mom once.
00:50:15Yeah.
00:50:15But I talked to her
00:50:16on the phone several times.
00:50:19Just so you know,
00:50:21when I first told him
00:50:23I was expecting Josh,
00:50:25he was really happy.
00:50:26He smiled.
00:50:28He was, he was happy.
00:50:29and everything kind of,
00:50:36you know,
00:50:37it was okay for a while
00:50:37but then it started slowly getting worse
00:50:39and I was working
00:50:41and then I found out
00:50:43your mom was calling there
00:50:44all the time.
00:50:46He was going back and forth,
00:50:47being called back
00:50:48all the time.
00:50:49All the time, all the time.
00:50:50And one day,
00:50:54shortly after Josh turned two,
00:50:56it was just out of the blue.
00:50:57He says,
00:50:59I'm going back.
00:51:01I said,
00:51:01what's going on?
00:51:02He says,
00:51:03well,
00:51:03what are we doing?
00:51:04What's going to happen to me
00:51:05when I'm older?
00:51:07Who's going to take care of me?
00:51:08You?
00:51:10And I said,
00:51:10what?
00:51:12Um,
00:51:13I didn't have enough money
00:51:15to take care of him.
00:51:16He had quit his job
00:51:17at this point.
00:51:19He had a job?
00:51:20He had a job.
00:51:21He had a job
00:51:22where he made
00:51:22$100,000 per year.
00:51:25What?
00:51:25What was he doing?
00:51:26He was working
00:51:27as a manager
00:51:28in a telemarketing company.
00:51:31He was doing very well.
00:51:33There was nothing
00:51:34for him to do
00:51:34except sit there
00:51:35and watch people
00:51:37on the phone.
00:51:39He was loved by everybody
00:51:40because he had
00:51:41such a great persona.
00:51:43Why did he leave the job?
00:51:44I'll tell you what he told me.
00:51:52He says,
00:51:53it's just taking
00:51:55everything out of me.
00:51:57I was always trying
00:51:58to get him back
00:51:59into spirituality
00:51:59because he was very much
00:52:01self-hating.
00:52:03You know,
00:52:03self-hating Jew.
00:52:04It's Jewish.
00:52:05He said he wanted to be
00:52:05the guy in Connecticut
00:52:06on the boat.
00:52:07I don't know
00:52:08if you've ever said that to you.
00:52:09But he wanted to be
00:52:10the guy,
00:52:11you know,
00:52:11with the khakis
00:52:11on the boat.
00:52:13Not Danny.
00:52:15He would actually
00:52:16do it like this.
00:52:17He would go
00:52:17from persona to persona
00:52:18because I want
00:52:19to be the guy
00:52:19on the boat.
00:52:22My dad played
00:52:23plenty of roles,
00:52:24but a guy in khakis
00:52:25on a boat
00:52:26in Connecticut
00:52:27had to be
00:52:28the furthest
00:52:29from a Brooklyn-born
00:52:30Jewish boy
00:52:31named Danny.
00:52:32Stop your lunch.
00:52:33I'll be right back.
00:52:34We haven't had
00:52:37a radio breakdown,
00:52:38not yet.
00:52:40Must have been hot.
00:52:46I'm telling you,
00:52:48Ivan Mosher
00:52:48is half-life.
00:52:50Hey,
00:52:51it's down.
00:52:52So what are you
00:52:52waiting for?
00:52:53Your table's ready?
00:52:55Thanks.
00:52:56On the 4th of July,
00:52:581845,
00:53:00Thoreau put the busy,
00:53:01competitive world
00:53:02behind him.
00:53:03You're out of your
00:53:03fucking mind.
00:53:05Vegas,
00:53:06did you finish
00:53:07both y'all,
00:53:07all?
00:53:09You know,
00:53:10all these things
00:53:10that he is
00:53:11for all personas.
00:53:12He has a persona
00:53:13for this,
00:53:13a persona for that
00:53:14because the real
00:53:16Danny is like this.
00:53:18He says,
00:53:19he's Danny
00:53:20Sheldon Krivillen
00:53:22is very scary
00:53:23and tiny.
00:53:24You know,
00:53:24he would do
00:53:25all this stuff
00:53:25and then he'd have
00:53:27like,
00:53:27whoa,
00:53:28you know,
00:53:28like these personas
00:53:30that were out there
00:53:31and were very
00:53:32charismatic
00:53:33and they were
00:53:34all shields
00:53:35to protect him.
00:53:38That's it.
00:53:39I mean,
00:53:40he was everything
00:53:41that everybody
00:53:41says he was
00:53:42to them.
00:53:44He was a hundred
00:53:45different people
00:53:46to everybody.
00:53:52Okay,
00:53:53so he couldn't
00:53:54take the cubicle,
00:53:55but did that make
00:53:56acting his one chance
00:53:57to support our families?
00:53:58Or was that just
00:54:00an opportunity
00:54:00to be someone else?
00:54:03To hide from
00:54:04responsibility?
00:54:06My dad left Josh
00:54:07even more than
00:54:08he left us.
00:54:09If anyone should
00:54:10feel abandoned,
00:54:11it was him.
00:54:15So,
00:54:16have you met
00:54:17David?
00:54:19No.
00:54:20There were times
00:54:21when you
00:54:22guys were separated
00:54:25and he would
00:54:25come out
00:54:26and hang out
00:54:26with me.
00:54:27I think we went
00:54:27to the zoo,
00:54:28we went to the park
00:54:29a couple times
00:54:30and that's really
00:54:31all the memories
00:54:32I had of him.
00:54:34What's weird?
00:54:35Well, I mean,
00:54:36I've heard stuff,
00:54:37you know,
00:54:37like that,
00:54:38you know,
00:54:39that there's some
00:54:40level of narcissism
00:54:41or ego behind
00:54:42his motives,
00:54:43but like I never
00:54:44knew him.
00:54:44You know what I mean?
00:54:46My dad's widespread
00:54:47love led to
00:54:49widespread loss.
00:54:51It felt unfair
00:54:52that Josh knew
00:54:52less about our dad
00:54:53than we did.
00:54:54I let him know
00:54:56that my dad
00:54:56didn't financially
00:54:57support our branch
00:54:58of the family tree
00:54:59either.
00:55:00I don't,
00:55:01I don't really say
00:55:02like, oh,
00:55:03he left me
00:55:04and all this
00:55:04other stuff.
00:55:09Meeting
00:55:09after such
00:55:11a long time,
00:55:12I mean,
00:55:12do you,
00:55:14what's going
00:55:15through your head?
00:55:17Are there like,
00:55:18well, I mean,
00:55:19we're like blood.
00:55:20You know what I'm
00:55:20saying?
00:55:20It's like we share
00:55:21the same genetic,
00:55:23genetics,
00:55:23you know what I mean?
00:55:25You know,
00:55:26we're a family,
00:55:27you know,
00:55:28that was kind
00:55:29of split apart,
00:55:30you know?
00:55:33I don't really
00:55:34have much to say.
00:55:36Can you show us
00:55:37your tattoos
00:55:37one more time?
00:55:39Oh, yeah,
00:55:39definitely.
00:55:41Want me to show
00:55:42it to the camera?
00:55:42Yeah,
00:55:42that'd be awesome.
00:55:43Sure.
00:55:44Oh, this is Bob Marley.
00:55:46I thought meeting
00:55:47my half-brother
00:55:48would reveal
00:55:48my dad's mindset
00:55:49while he was
00:55:50writing Gruvopolis.
00:55:51But all I saw
00:55:53was my dad
00:55:54constrained by
00:55:55the expectations
00:55:56that he'd be
00:55:57a supportive partner
00:55:58or a nurturing parent.
00:56:00And it made me
00:56:01want to be
00:56:01more nurturing myself.
00:56:03What's like a,
00:56:04what's like a classic
00:56:05metal song
00:56:06that we haven't heard
00:56:07that you think
00:56:08we need to hear?
00:56:09A classic metal song?
00:56:10Spash a single digit.
00:56:12Spash a single digit.
00:56:13There you go.
00:56:14Yeah?
00:56:14You can play
00:56:15Spash a single digit.
00:56:16Yeah.
00:56:21It was a hypnotic state
00:56:33of lust and fantasy.
00:56:35We were all headed
00:56:36for some sort of
00:56:36galactical orgasm
00:56:38when we realized
00:56:39that we needed
00:56:40physical bodies
00:56:41to achieve that climax.
00:56:43Since we were
00:56:44an ethereal kind of body,
00:56:47that climax was impossible.
00:56:48But still,
00:56:51the desire
00:56:52for fulfillment
00:56:53grew strong.
00:56:55Okay, here we go.
00:56:57Let's go with
00:56:58that guy.
00:56:59Oh, okay.
00:57:01This 1960s movie
00:57:02won an award.
00:57:04Hmm.
00:57:05Was it
00:57:05How Green Was My Valley?
00:57:07We're right again,
00:57:07Gumdrop.
00:57:08Well,
00:57:09this might be
00:57:09an early evening after all.
00:57:11We are using big, huh?
00:57:12Time to get on the stick.
00:57:14Before we start,
00:57:15I have a hankering
00:57:16for the Vienna boys.
00:57:17Anybody object?
00:57:18I will.
00:57:19I mean,
00:57:21not at all.
00:57:22I'll put it on.
00:57:23Lena said that
00:57:24my dad used
00:57:25different personas
00:57:26as shields
00:57:27to protect
00:57:28his vulnerability.
00:57:29Is he seeing anyone?
00:57:31We're working on it.
00:57:32It just seems
00:57:33a little bit off.
00:57:34I was starting
00:57:35to feel like
00:57:35making Groovopolis
00:57:36was my shield.
00:57:38A way to not have
00:57:39to deal with the grief
00:57:40of losing my dad.
00:57:42I'm just really worried
00:57:43about it.
00:57:44He's gonna be the fuck.
00:57:45Oh, yes.
00:57:45You know,
00:57:46that Bob Twilliger
00:57:46sure has my vote.
00:57:48I mean,
00:57:48something has to be done
00:57:49about these downtown riffraffs.
00:57:50I know.
00:57:51Why don't they just
00:57:52put a mall there?
00:57:52Like,
00:57:53everywhere else.
00:57:54My turn.
00:57:55All right.
00:57:57Okay.
00:57:59Adventure heroes.
00:58:00How appropriate!
00:58:01All right.
00:58:02How many movie stars
00:58:03are played?
00:58:04Taurus and...
00:58:05Oh, that's an easy one.
00:58:06Okay, let me see.
00:58:08What is this music?
00:58:09Well, it certainly
00:58:10isn't the Vieta Boys,
00:58:11but it does have
00:58:13a pleasantness to it.
00:58:15It's honestly toasty
00:58:17in here when that fire,
00:58:18isn't it?
00:58:21There's, um,
00:58:22John Boyce Miller.
00:58:25Tarzan,
00:58:26the Ape Man.
00:58:30Tarzan, the Barber.
00:58:31Uh-oh.
00:58:35Tarzan, the Jumbo Man.
00:58:37In Groovopolis,
00:58:51mystical sounds
00:58:52turn Philip into Phil.
00:58:54Whoever he shares
00:58:55the music with
00:58:56becomes better
00:58:57and more free
00:58:58until there's
00:58:59some kind of
00:59:00shared suburban paradise.
00:59:03But his movie
00:59:04didn't reflect the pain
00:59:05my dad caused
00:59:06in real life.
00:59:08I realized
00:59:09I was trying
00:59:10to honor my dad
00:59:11when what I really
00:59:13needed to do
00:59:14was forgive him.
00:59:16Sex is a misdemeanor.
00:59:18The more you miss,
00:59:19the meaner you get.
00:59:22Ah.
00:59:27My dad once told
00:59:29a reporter,
00:59:30acting is something
00:59:31that I can't not do.
00:59:33Even if somebody
00:59:34had a role for me
00:59:35and wasn't going
00:59:36to pay me at all,
00:59:37I would still do it.
00:59:39What's wrong
00:59:39with this picture?
00:59:41He didn't even
00:59:42get credited
00:59:42for his most
00:59:43noteworthy performance.
00:59:45Nice night for a walk, eh?
00:59:47In what was at the time
00:59:48a small budget indie film
00:59:49called
00:59:50The Terminator.
00:59:52Nice night for a walk.
00:59:53Duh.
01:00:05Remember,
01:00:07art.
01:00:07It's good for your heart.
01:00:10And I'm out of here.
01:00:11After that,
01:00:14his career
01:00:15was a mixed bag
01:00:16of poetry readings
01:00:17and public access TV.
01:00:20Ah.
01:00:21And the less he worked,
01:00:23the more he wrote.
01:00:25I'll have the blood sausage
01:00:27and a large glass of milk.
01:00:29I'll have your largest
01:00:30bowl of fresh fruit, please.
01:00:32Phillip's job
01:00:32for Soothing's Inc.
01:00:33was selling background music
01:00:35to retail stores.
01:00:36I seem to be having
01:00:37a confidence problem,
01:00:38Mr. Tooley.
01:00:39Coincidentally,
01:00:41my first job
01:00:42was also selling
01:00:43background music,
01:00:44which is what sparked
01:00:45that first and only
01:00:46conversation I had
01:00:47with my dad
01:00:48about Groovopolis.
01:00:51Toward the end
01:00:52of the movie,
01:00:52a new product
01:00:53called X-Tool
01:00:54promises to hypnotize
01:00:57shoppers into
01:00:57buying things.
01:00:58I'm so sorry,
01:00:59Ainsworth.
01:01:00I would love to help
01:01:01you be more confident.
01:01:03Good.
01:01:04But for it to work,
01:01:07the evil boss
01:01:07has to harness
01:01:08the music that
01:01:09Philip recorded
01:01:10on the island
01:01:10while he was marooned.
01:01:13But the X-Tool
01:01:13really isn't
01:01:14my passion anymore.
01:01:16The same hypnotic rhythm
01:01:17that converted
01:01:18Philip into whatever
01:01:20the opposite
01:01:20of a paper clip is.
01:01:22I'm offering you
01:01:23the opportunity
01:01:24of a lifetime,
01:01:25Tooley.
01:01:25Yes, I understand,
01:01:26but I'm actually
01:01:27more passionate
01:01:28about the new music
01:01:29I found.
01:01:31New music?
01:01:31Imagine the peak
01:01:34of a summer
01:01:36weekend Ainsworth,
01:01:37lying barefoot
01:01:38on a grassy hill.
01:01:40If the script
01:01:40was perfect,
01:01:41maybe it would have
01:01:42been made
01:01:42into a quintessential
01:01:4390s movie.
01:01:44In bringing its pages
01:01:45to life,
01:01:46I could recognize
01:01:47the tension woven
01:01:48throughout my dad's.
01:01:49How to balance
01:01:50his opportunities
01:01:51for stability
01:01:52with his true passions.
01:01:53And that's what
01:01:54this music does.
01:01:55An amusing concept.
01:01:57I'm going to make
01:02:02you a deal,
01:02:03Mr. Tooley.
01:02:05And I don't make
01:02:06deals like this
01:02:06too often.
01:02:09You finish the
01:02:10X-Tool for me,
01:02:12the company is yours.
01:02:16The whole company?
01:02:19To produce whatever
01:02:20type of music you like.
01:02:25Thank you very much.
01:02:27You've worked way
01:02:30too hard
01:02:30for your paltry wage,
01:02:32Tooley.
01:02:33You deserve a taste
01:02:35of the good life.
01:02:47Hi, this is Dave
01:02:48Kristen for Artbeat.
01:02:51First, a question.
01:02:54I'm at a very
01:02:55special building
01:02:56in Winthrop.
01:02:57Anybody know?
01:02:58My dad struck me
01:02:59as having been beaten
01:03:00down by the proverbial man.
01:03:02This is the building.
01:03:03His poetry,
01:03:04while appreciated,
01:03:06hardly got published.
01:03:07He moved from Hollywood
01:03:09into community theater.
01:03:11He started teaching
01:03:12English as a second
01:03:13language to immigrants.
01:03:15But he still couldn't
01:03:16pay the rent
01:03:16or buy his own groceries.
01:03:18That is so hard.
01:03:20The man had won.
01:03:21But through making
01:03:23Groovopolis,
01:03:24what I once saw
01:03:25as my dad's laziness,
01:03:27I now saw
01:03:28as willingness.
01:03:30His resistance,
01:03:31a subtle protest
01:03:32against corporate mediocrity.
01:03:34This dance between Danny
01:03:48and David,
01:03:49between Philip and Phil,
01:03:51it's the dance
01:03:52between who we are
01:03:53and who we aspire to be.
01:03:56Despite his loneliness,
01:03:57my dad never settled
01:03:58into a single path
01:03:59to happiness.
01:04:01And while I looked
01:04:02for purpose in work,
01:04:04he shared his very
01:04:05last words with me.
01:04:07They were just like
01:04:08what he put in his letter
01:04:09to Jeff
01:04:10when he was warning himself.
01:04:12He said,
01:04:13it's okay to just be.
01:04:26Mr. Tully!
01:04:29Such a disappointment,
01:04:34this evil little tape of yours.
01:04:37That evil is wonderful.
01:04:39What are you doing?
01:04:40How could you do that?
01:04:41It was good.
01:04:41We were happy.
01:04:44Happiness is a temporary delusion
01:04:46a truly efficient person
01:04:48cannot afford.
01:04:59The story we heard
01:05:10about my dad's
01:05:11earlier skin cancer
01:05:12was that he beat it.
01:05:16I liked to think of that
01:05:17as a trade-off
01:05:18for his love of the sun.
01:05:20And his love had to be stronger
01:05:22than the hate of cancer.
01:05:25This numbed us
01:05:26to the possibility
01:05:26that he could succumb to it.
01:05:27So when I was just 25
01:05:31and his doctor told me
01:05:32that my dad had stage 4 cancer,
01:05:35that it had metastasized
01:05:37to his brain,
01:05:38and that I would have to decide
01:05:40whether he should stay
01:05:41in the hospital
01:05:42or go into hospice,
01:05:44I thought,
01:05:46I have no idea
01:05:48what the fuck
01:05:49any of those terms mean.
01:05:53All I knew
01:05:54was that I wasn't ready
01:05:55to let go of my dad,
01:05:57to learn from his
01:05:58unconventional wisdom,
01:06:00to be his friend,
01:06:03and to show him the love
01:06:04that he tried to show me.
01:06:06You have
01:06:07one unheard message.
01:06:09First unheard message.
01:06:11Hey, Will.
01:06:13It's Dad.
01:06:14Listen,
01:06:14they're putting me
01:06:15in the hospital.
01:06:16I'm over at
01:06:17Beth Israel Deaconess,
01:06:19and Kathy has
01:06:21all the information.
01:06:24And I'll talk to you.
01:06:25Hello?
01:06:50Hello?
01:06:53Hello?
01:06:55Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?
01:07:25Hello? Hello?
01:07:55And where am I twerp?
01:07:58Under the boardwalk.
01:08:01Under the boardwalk, down by the sea.
01:08:08And there's sane grandmother on the boardwalk.
01:08:18A decade after my dad died, I had scoured my earliest memories starting all the way back from the Santa Monica Pier.
01:08:24And I also talked to everyone I could reach that knew him then.
01:08:29I thought I had found everything I was going to.
01:08:54In Gruvopolis, Philip eventually discovers that his dad had a secret stash of records that were nothing like Bach.
01:09:12Listening to them made him realize that his dad was more nuanced, groovier maybe, than he thought.
01:09:19I hope he doesn't realize that his dad had a secret, but I thought he's better.
01:09:24He's the same, but Andy."
01:09:29I hope we didn't realize that our dad had a secret in it.
01:10:04Happy 38th birthday, Dave.
01:10:1138 years old. I made it.
01:10:14California.
01:10:16Nice tower.
01:10:17Time rolled on, and eventually, my grandmothers did too.
01:10:35Look at daddy. Bye-bye.
01:10:36Like everyone I talked to,
01:10:38ladies and gentlemen, the hostess with the mostest,
01:10:41I still had unanswered questions about my dad.
01:10:44Then, just as we were getting ready to sell my maternal grandmother's farm,
01:10:49the same place where I set that turtle free with my dad when I was a kid,
01:10:53Three!
01:10:54Okay, he's out.
01:10:56I was given an article about him that was written by his longtime therapist.
01:11:01I wanted to run it by my mom and sister because
01:11:03they love talking to me about him on camera.
01:11:06Maybe she'll come back in after she has a cigarette.
01:11:09Oh, my goodness.
01:11:10I don't want to talk about this.
01:11:14Are you wearing sunglasses?
01:11:15Well, they're transition lenses.
01:11:17Okay.
01:11:19It keeps nosy filmmakers at bay.
01:11:23If you were to tell me your questions,
01:11:25I could concise my answer.
01:11:29Yeah.
01:11:31I don't really have questions like that.
01:11:34Okay, good.
01:11:36Proceed.
01:11:38Next.
01:11:39Can I read you something and then ask about it?
01:11:42Yeah, yeah.
01:11:42Okay.
01:11:43So, after Dad died, you know, a few years later,
01:11:50and I don't know how she got her hands on this,
01:11:52but Kathy was like,
01:11:54oh, there's this thing that got published you might be interested in it.
01:11:57Oh, my God.
01:11:58Read it to me.
01:11:59Okay.
01:12:00All right, I'll read it to you.
01:12:00So, it just says, I think it was published in...
01:12:02Jesus, all those freaking questions.
01:12:03Read it to me.
01:12:07Here's how the article goes.
01:12:09Palliative psychotherapy.
01:12:12After hearing my doubts about whether I had done anything
01:12:14to help a middle-aged, talented, but difficult patient
01:12:18lead even a marginally better life,
01:12:21a trusted colleague said,
01:12:22I think you made his existence a little less lonely and painful.
01:12:26So, it sends a signal and receives it.
01:12:39But, after years of therapy,
01:12:43shouldn't I have catalyzed greater change
01:12:46in a patient's behavior and lifestyle?
01:12:50Perhaps.
01:12:51That's pretty, too.
01:12:52But then I realized that my treatment
01:12:54could be thought of as palliative psychotherapy.
01:12:56After all, I had provided comfort, if not cure.
01:13:08I had provided some humor and perspective
01:13:10for a life chronically lacking in both.
01:13:13It's a video.
01:13:14What if fundamentally altering his many decades' worth
01:13:20of maladaptive coping was beyond my skills
01:13:23and perhaps anyone's?
01:13:26Despite my hopes and efforts,
01:13:28my patient had not put away childish things
01:13:30and moved beyond erratic work.
01:13:32And what kind of an audience did you have?
01:13:35Oh, it was, you know...
01:13:37And stormy relationships.
01:13:39Okay, Dave, that's...
01:13:41Palliative psychotherapy is for those patients
01:13:43whose unyielding constellation of character problems
01:13:46feels terminally unmodifiable,
01:13:49yet who continue to seek some form of relief.
01:13:52By stressing acceptance and adaptation
01:13:55rather than behavior change,
01:13:59I got your hands in front of the camera.
01:14:01Palliative psychotherapy might offer patients
01:14:04more help in seemingly hopeless situations.
01:14:07Yo.
01:14:08Yo, uh, what?
01:14:10That's the voice.
01:14:12That's the voice.
01:14:16There it was.
01:14:17A prescription to just be.
01:14:24Well, it's a beautiful time here at the farm
01:14:28and there's something I thought I'd like to share
01:14:30with the future.
01:14:32If I didn't work harder myself,
01:14:35I wrongly assumed that I would inherit
01:14:37my dad's harder life.
01:14:40In reality,
01:14:41it wasn't really a struggle between
01:14:43working and dancing for him.
01:14:46It was simply
01:14:47a struggle.
01:14:50And it's just beautiful here on the farm.
01:14:52That's the way it looks.
01:14:56And I'm going to sign off now.
01:15:01Bye.
01:15:07Everybody's dad danced once.
01:15:09Hainsworth.
01:15:10Even yours.
01:15:12It would have been whipped with a strap to it
01:15:16because he couldn't dance
01:15:17because his dad couldn't dance
01:15:20because his dad wanted to
01:15:22but nobody taught him
01:15:23and nobody taught his dad.
01:15:26Learning that my dad didn't always have
01:15:28the same options I have
01:15:29made me acknowledge my own agency.
01:15:32There's no secret algorithm
01:15:34that will optimize my work-life data.
01:15:37All there is
01:15:37is me trying my best
01:15:39to be filled up.
01:15:41Up, up, up, up!
01:16:07Running out of their energy
01:16:09this morning.
01:16:10Okay, now we can go.
01:16:32Losing my dad sent me searching for remnants of fatherly advice.
01:16:37Boys, watch out for L.A. women.
01:16:40You guys, you made it.
01:16:45What I found was relationships are messy,
01:16:48being a parent is hard,
01:16:51forgiving one is too,
01:16:53and work is not the aim of life.
01:16:56Smalls, how are you?
01:16:58Sarah got a master's in psychology and works in mental health,
01:17:02which can come in handy for our family.
01:17:05It's so definitely about our dad.
01:17:07Right?
01:17:10Jukebox, the ghost.
01:17:11Jesse, my younger brother by a minute,
01:17:14has made a career in music.
01:17:15Love the drums, thank you, sir.
01:17:19And all of us are building a relationship with Josh.
01:17:24Here we are on the Coney Island boardwalk.
01:17:26Covering a lot of ground today.
01:17:28About to get a drink with Sarah Kristen.
01:17:31I'm so grateful.
01:17:36I'm now about the same age my dad was
01:17:38when he was writing Groovopolis.
01:17:40In the script, after the tape is destroyed,
01:17:43the characters realize that their ability to be free
01:17:46was within them all along.
01:17:48All right, keep dancing.
01:17:49I, on the other hand, had to grieve what my dad was
01:17:52and what he wasn't
01:17:54before I could confront my own challenges.
01:17:58I got over my fear that I might mess up my relationships.
01:18:01Bravo!
01:18:03And yeah, dad, she's Jewish.
01:18:07And I finally let go of the hustle
01:18:10and became a dad myself.
01:18:19Now there's something I'd like to share with the future.
01:18:26Your grandpa taught me that happiness isn't an emotion.
01:18:31It isn't a feeling and it isn't a sound.
01:18:36It's a possibility.
01:18:37And even if you're born with the demons that pull you
01:18:40in the opposite direction,
01:18:42you can still find what makes you happiest.
01:18:47If you're lucky enough to glimpse it,
01:18:50however small it might seem,
01:18:52when you first see it,
01:18:54in the distance.
01:18:55There once was land, endless land, under starry skies above.
01:19:11But they fenced it in.
01:19:14Now it's interstates and interchanges, monoprop and truck stops.
01:19:19Cause they fenced it in.
01:19:21I wish that every golf course became a WMA.
01:19:26And every politician knew the writ that we pay
01:19:31just to drink ourselves to death and go to jobs that we hate.
01:19:35Oh, to be fencing.
01:19:38Turn us loose and let us rattle off our chain
01:19:41and lift the pain from our faces.
01:19:46And every hour on the clock or in the classroom or a cell
01:19:51could not contain us.
01:19:54I just don't see any glory in industrial cattle.
01:19:59The trucker's bodies twist from a life in the saddle.
01:20:05There's freedom ringing in your ear just to death rattle.
01:20:09You won't fence us in.
01:20:12Mm-hmm.
01:20:17Tee-treee.
01:20:19Tee-treee.
01:20:21Tee-treee.
01:20:23guitar solo
01:20:53I wish ancestral lands belonged to indigenous people
01:21:05And I didn't have to live in fear of law from the steeple
01:21:10The grievance make you strong, or is it what makes you feeble?
01:21:15You won't fence us in, though you might try
01:21:18You won't fence us in, ain't you listen?
01:21:23You won't fence us in
01:21:26You won't fence us in
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