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00:00:00To be continued...
00:00:30This is a story about a deer.
00:00:59Not this guy, a real dad, mine.
00:01:06This man is one of my dad's incomplete creations.
00:01:10A character he made up who tries to live an ideal life.
00:01:15Can getting to know him help me understand the parts of my dad I didn't,
00:01:19and somehow make me feel more complete myself?
00:01:23I'm going to get some water. Here, listen to this.
00:01:29You have one unheard message. First unheard message.
00:01:35Hey, Will, it's Dad. I doubt you'll get this in time,
00:01:38but I've got a computer guy from school helping me here,
00:01:41and we need the password to get into Windows.
00:01:44We need the password to get into Outlook.
00:01:48It's not crabcake69.
00:01:49So, if you get this within the next four minutes,
00:01:54give me a call back, or else to Gerald,
00:01:57I need to talk to you about something, so give me a call back.
00:01:59But I think we're packing them up.
00:02:01All right, bye.
00:02:02What he wanted to talk to me about, besides computers,
00:02:07End of message.
00:02:08was cancer.
00:02:09Bye.
00:02:10Bye.
00:02:13But first things first, this is my family.
00:02:17I'm Will Kristen, and I'm a filmmaker.
00:02:19Will, try that again.
00:02:20I'm Will Kristen, and I occasionally make films.
00:02:24That's my twin brother, or roommate, Jesse.
00:02:26Hey, Jesse.
00:02:27I'm a minute older.
00:02:29Jeez, Jesse.
00:02:30Look where Jesse is.
00:02:32Jesse, come down.
00:02:33And it usually shows.
00:02:35I also have a younger sister, Sarah.
00:02:38I have to show this tape to Mom.
00:02:40Let's see if there's a hard-working American housewife.
00:02:43Well...
00:02:43Come on, go away.
00:02:45Okay, go away.
00:02:47Our mom was raised Catholic in rural Missouri
00:02:49before running away to be a flight attendant.
00:02:52Oh, there's Mommy.
00:02:54Hello.
00:02:54On a layover in Denver, she met my dad,
00:03:00a Jewish actor and poet from Brooklyn.
00:03:05By the way, if you think growing up Catholic and Jewish sounds cool,
00:03:09try eating at a Passover Seder on Good Friday
00:03:13and see what happens.
00:03:17Other than that, my childhood in our small Boston suburb
00:03:20was pretty typical,
00:03:22except that when I was little,
00:03:25my dad stopped living with us.
00:03:28It's not that he wasn't around.
00:03:31We just didn't know what he did when he wasn't...
00:03:33being our dad.
00:03:36Well, look at Mama.
00:03:37One, two...
00:03:41Dad, just keep your face like that.
00:03:43Just like that.
00:03:44It's beautiful.
00:03:44That's beautiful.
00:03:45One, two...
00:03:47I wish I could say life continued like a wholesome snapshot.
00:04:09But the years went on,
00:04:11and I saw less of my father.
00:04:13What happened to Dave?
00:04:15You just got used to it, huh?
00:04:16Where'd he go?
00:04:18Something always got in the way of me spending more time with him.
00:04:21Plus, my mom's house was more comfortable.
00:04:23Then, at age 62, he died.
00:04:28And I was lost.
00:04:30Suddenly, without him,
00:04:31I felt like I didn't have a compass
00:04:33to help me navigate the big life stuff.
00:04:36Relationships, health, spirituality, money, work,
00:04:40and maybe one day being a parent myself.
00:04:42It's not like my dad was a compass I followed before he died.
00:04:48He always struggled financially,
00:04:51so I worked long hours to make sure I didn't end up like him.
00:04:55It's going to be pretty interesting
00:04:57if you leave all of the time that you're typing the email in there.
00:05:01He dabbled in the arts, and I studied business.
00:05:04Do I run a lot of emails?
00:05:05Okay.
00:05:06I became a consultant, and he...
00:05:09Want me to do that thing?
00:05:10Yeah.
00:05:12Needed consulting.
00:05:14All right, you tried gulping a glass of water.
00:05:17Let's go.
00:05:18When he died, I was in my mid-20s with shingles from overworking.
00:05:23I remember my bright screens as much as our last days together.
00:05:27I realized I'd never get to ask him myself
00:05:30why didn't he stay with us,
00:05:32why couldn't he stick with any normal job,
00:05:35and what was he doing instead?
00:05:37During his life, he disentangled himself from our family.
00:05:41After his death, I was determined to hold on to the threads.
00:05:46Without knowing who he was, I didn't know who I was.
00:05:49I caught glimpses of my dad's utopian ideals from time to time.
00:05:56But I never understood what he stood for.
00:05:59I did remember him telling me about a screenplay he wrote for a movie called Groovopolis.
00:06:04Of course, I never read it.
00:06:10I had emails to respond to.
00:06:13But now, I wanted to know about my dad's unfinished dream.
00:06:17Do you want me to keep holding this?
00:06:18And about him when he was dreaming it.
00:06:21Uh, you can start.
00:06:28What do you got?
00:06:29I started through, and in here, it looks like rough pages of it.
00:06:35Groovopolis.
00:06:36Really?
00:06:36Oh my gosh, there's so many copies of this.
00:06:44My dad and I only talked about the project once.
00:06:47There's a character named Sarah.
00:06:49During a rare chat on one of my many late-night commute home from work.
00:06:53Surprise, surprise.
00:06:54I remembered three things from that conversation.
00:07:03One, he wrote the screenplay in the early 90s.
00:07:07Two, he worked on it with someone in L.A.
00:07:10Three, the movie never got made.
00:07:13Strikes you out at the old school.
00:07:20Sure, Mr. Tabor.
00:07:21That is what we have agreed to.
00:07:23Good.
00:07:23Handshake will seal the bargain.
00:07:25Hopefully, you two boys will strike it rich.
00:07:28Do-do-do-do-do-do-do.
00:07:30Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.
00:07:32Hello, Ward.
00:07:33I'm home.
00:07:34Hello, Beaver.
00:07:36Dad acted here and there in the early 90s.
00:07:39He was always playing parts.
00:07:41This darn old carriage.
00:07:43It's the darn old gate.
00:07:47Darn.
00:07:47But this was his script.
00:07:50Something from his own mind and experiences.
00:07:52Hello again, everyone.
00:07:53How it goes.
00:07:54Self-speaking of sports.
00:07:55Today in the news, Jesse Billion.
00:07:57What could it tell me about who he really was?
00:07:59Could his fictional world teach me about his reality?
00:08:03Jesse, what have you got to say?
00:08:04To find out, I needed to talk to the people who knew him best back then, around the time
00:08:09I was born.
00:08:10So I called Jeff, who wrote Groovopolis with my dad.
00:08:15Hello?
00:08:16Hi, is this Jeff?
00:08:18Yeah.
00:08:19Jeff, it's Will Christen.
00:08:21Hey, Will.
00:08:22How are you?
00:08:23I'm doing well.
00:08:24How are you doing?
00:08:26I'm doing good.
00:08:27I have the correspondence that you and my dad, I guess, sent back and forth in the 90s.
00:08:34Wow.
00:08:35Okay.
00:08:36I'm like, right next...
00:08:38Really, that's still around.
00:08:39What were they...
00:08:41What kind of...
00:08:42What form are they in?
00:08:44They're in a lot of different forms.
00:08:46A lot of different formats.
00:08:47And, yeah.
00:08:50I mean, my dad was kind of a hoarder, so I feel like I'm lucky that we found this.
00:08:57Like, do you know if you have the most recent version of it or anything?
00:09:01Yeah, I actually found one.
00:09:04I was cleaning out a bunch of storage bins outside of our house.
00:09:09I had some old scripts in there.
00:09:11You know, the hard copy.
00:09:13That brings me to another question, which could make this easier.
00:09:16Um, I'm wondering if maybe we can meet up sometime.
00:09:20Do you want to do something with this or what?
00:09:23Yeah.
00:09:24Do you just want to have...
00:09:26Where is it?
00:09:37Your destination is on the right.
00:09:40I don't recognize this at all.
00:09:41On my way to meet Jeff, I stop by my old childhood home.
00:09:48Escape.
00:09:50Escape into the big world.
00:09:51Soon enough, my friends.
00:09:53Soon enough.
00:09:54That looks totally right.
00:09:56Yep, yep.
00:09:57Yep, you're born there, dear.
00:09:59All right.
00:10:00And then I found Jeff.
00:10:03I had brought with me a copy of the Groovopolis script, along with an old letter from my dad.
00:10:09In the final thought, I always liked the vocation of artist, because I felt the problems I was having with my art showed me where the same problems were in my real life.
00:10:20If my writing is too wordy, if it likes discipline, if my acting is too busy, if it's a way to just be, then lo and behold, those are the same defenses I use in my life.
00:10:29A lot of the details are fuzzy for me now.
00:10:40I mean, like, reading that thing, reading his letter, was interesting.
00:10:44It just kind of brought a lot of the stuff back.
00:10:47Both of us loved music in a very kind of strong way, passionate way.
00:10:52We spent a lot of time listening to music.
00:10:57We would always have music on.
00:10:59And it just, you know, it just seemed natural to be a natural theme for the script.
00:11:05Something to do with music.
00:11:06I think the idea with Groovopolis was to make it kind of a more, a hipper, groovier, of course, version of Footloose.
00:11:16That was kind of a thought.
00:11:24I never, I never even seen Footloose.
00:11:26Let's dance!
00:11:28Footloose was an 80s musical drama about a teenager who attempts to overturn a small town band on dancing.
00:11:35I hadn't seen it either.
00:11:37Groovopolis wasn't as straightforward, but it was basically about a square businessman called by a greater force to loosen up.
00:11:43I thought the mysteries of my dad could be hidden in this script.
00:11:48And if so, making his movie might reveal them.
00:11:52So I asked Jeff if I could try to finish what he and my dad had started.
00:11:59Do you have your script copy anywhere?
00:12:01I do.
00:12:03Ready?
00:12:05And, uh, here we go.
00:12:08Elizabeth Tooley steps through a doorway from an outside deck, holding a jumbo margarita.
00:12:13It's pretty out there.
00:12:16It's getting a little dark, though.
00:12:18Oh, but you know what?
00:12:19I think I saw Bermuda.
00:12:21Just a little tiny bit of the tip.
00:12:22Way, way off.
00:12:24Phillip's in his mid-30s.
00:12:26This is a dedicated, hard-working man with the personality of a paper clip.
00:12:32Oh, Phillip, look.
00:12:34Rose and George are dancing.
00:12:35Aren't they cute?
00:12:38Yes.
00:12:39Impressive technique.
00:12:40That's just the opening where you can get a sense of their personalities.
00:12:48Are you ready, folks?
00:12:50Put your hands together for the president and founding father of Soothing Zinc, Mr. Calvin Ruff.
00:12:57Look at you.
00:13:06What a fine brood.
00:13:08You know, when I started this company back in 1957...
00:13:12Could I see the world as my dad saw it and understand his struggles with it?
00:13:17...become the most successful producer of mood music in the Midwest.
00:13:22The rich, rambling boss.
00:13:24The desire to avoid becoming bland.
00:13:27This year, I'd especially like to commend our programming department.
00:13:32Phillip, Randy, where are they?
00:13:35The wish for companionship.
00:13:37Yes, sir.
00:13:37Those boys did an amazing job with those bossa nova hip-rap sounds.
00:13:43And the paradox of work that feeds you, but doesn't feed your soul.
00:13:46...gave us our healthy earnings from Royal Northern.
00:13:51Was my dad trying to warn me that I could become a paperclip?
00:13:54Having said all that...
00:13:57...I am no longer the president of Soothing's Incorporated.
00:14:06Anyway, Ainsworth Droppo's a smart young fella from the big city.
00:14:11You'll like him.
00:14:12Thank you, Mr. Rupp.
00:14:19My, my, my. You certainly are a fine brood.
00:14:42I'm not a great boy.
00:14:43I'm not a great boy.
00:14:43I'm not a great boy.
00:14:44I'm not a great boy.
00:14:44I'm not a great boy.
00:14:45I'm not a great boy.
00:14:46I'm not a great boy.
00:14:47Oh, my.
00:14:48Oh, my.
00:14:49Philip?
00:14:50Yes, dear?
00:14:51I think I'm feeling that way.
00:14:52I think I'm feeling that way.
00:15:05Well, we did schedule lovemaking for early morning.
00:15:11I forgot.
00:15:13I'm sorry.
00:15:14Oh, come on now.
00:15:15Sorry's are silly.
00:15:17And make the day hilly.
00:15:24What's wrong?
00:15:25My briefcase.
00:15:27I think I left it in the ballroom.
00:15:31Back in a maximum of six minutes.
00:15:33Okay.
00:15:33Okay.
00:15:33Okay.
00:15:41You're a disaster averted.
00:16:03Headed east.
00:16:0824.6.
00:16:18Ah, it's.
00:16:20Huh.
00:16:20Hey, Dave, wave.
00:16:30Have I say it?
00:16:34Oh!
00:16:35Oh!
00:16:36Oh!
00:16:37Oh!
00:16:38Hey, Dave, wave.
00:16:39That one's five.
00:16:40Oh!
00:16:40Oh!
00:16:41Oh!
00:16:42Oh!
00:16:43Oh!
00:16:44Oh!
00:16:44Oh!
00:16:45Oh!
00:16:46Oh!
00:16:47Oh!
00:16:48Oh!
00:16:48Oh!
00:16:49As I filmed the scenes, I began to wonder if my dad's nature came from rebelling against his own upbringing, or perhaps his generations.
00:17:19Fella!
00:17:41Bach is not funny music.
00:17:47It's meant to be listened to and appreciated for its glorious and intricate precision.
00:17:57Sit down and listen, please.
00:18:17.
00:18:27.
00:18:41Unlike Philip's dad, ours openly encouraged us to engage with the music we heard.
00:18:52My earliest childhood memory is also my favorite one.
00:18:55My dad taking my brother and I to a jazz concert at the Santa Monica Pier.
00:19:03It's obvious that our love of music came from him.
00:19:11Without it, my brother probably wouldn't go from air drumming to becoming a touring professional drummer.
00:19:20One time, our dad asked us if he should sell his massive collection of vinyl records.
00:19:25No way, we told him.
00:19:27This became our only inheritance and while we got it far sooner than anticipated, it was
00:19:32probably the only thing we were glad he hoarded.
00:19:37We didn't get a chance to appreciate his records when we were young, but there was something
00:19:41that deeply influenced us.
00:19:43A single mixtape played on the heaviest of rotations in my dad's red sunbird convertible.
00:19:49It was the soundtrack to our memories.
00:20:05Memories that were fragmented, scattered, and haphazardly stitched together like the songs
00:20:11on the mix.
00:20:13It was just an old tape and a pile of stuff, but it contained inexplicable power.
00:20:18I think it's the one.
00:20:20Here's what I've been sorting through all day.
00:20:24Power to conjure up our dad at his happiest and his most free.
00:20:28I'm excited because I just came over here to set up music not too long ago and I found this.
00:20:43It just says L.A.
00:20:48Hold on, Jess, I just want to show you something.
00:20:58I found it!
00:21:03It's so awesome.
00:21:05I'm excited!
00:21:06I love rock and roll.
00:21:08It's a little time.
00:21:09It's too much, baby.
00:21:10I love rock and roll.
00:21:12It's too much, baby.
00:21:14I love rock and roll.
00:21:16So I'll take a time and dance with me.
00:21:19Time.
00:21:33Time down.
00:21:46Heavy downpour.
00:21:48I'm still unaware of where I am.
00:21:54Odd, the rhythmic sounds coming from the palm.
00:21:59Further investigation required.
00:22:06Hello, I'm Philip Tooley, Soothing Zinc.
00:22:12It's incredible that you all are here.
00:22:14Were you shipwrecked who?
00:22:17I'm...
00:22:18Hello?
00:22:19Hello?
00:22:20Excuse me, sir?
00:22:21Do you need anybody to hear me?
00:22:25You're listening to me.
00:22:26I don't know.
00:22:27I'll take a bit.
00:22:29I'll take a bit.
00:22:31I'll take a bit.
00:22:32You're the pilot.
00:22:32You're the pilot.
00:22:34I'm so excited!
00:22:35No, no!
00:22:36I'm so excited!
00:22:37I'm so excited!
00:22:38OK, I'm so excited!
00:22:39But we can see you now.
00:22:40Can you leave me to me to go to my room?
00:22:43Maybe I'll take a bit.
00:22:44No, let me go.
00:22:45No, let me go.
00:22:46I'll take a bit.
00:22:48Oh, let me go.
00:22:48I'll take a bit.
00:22:50In the town where we grew up, everyone and their mother was Catholic.
00:23:18My dad was an outlier.
00:23:22More spiritual than religious, he constantly reminded us that if there's a heaven, there
00:23:26can't only be one way into it.
00:23:29I looked for parallels in the script.
00:23:32Groovopolis Philip was pulled by some higher musical force.
00:23:36My dad was compelled to explore his Jewish roots more as he aged.
00:23:41He had run from and then back to Judaism.
00:23:50I wanted to know more about that from Ami, who I knew as my dad's Jewish friend.
00:23:56He lives in Israel now.
00:23:57I remember the first time I actually met him as I was cleaning out some trash in the garage
00:24:03on the Crystal Cope side of my house, and I was taking the trash out, and he had his red
00:24:08car, and I think you guys were actually in the car when he drove by.
00:24:12He stopped because he liked trash, and I understand, I understand, people throw out interesting
00:24:17things.
00:24:18You know?
00:24:19And that was the first time I think that we actually met and connected.
00:24:26Up until I think where I met him, his Jewishness was like a bagel and lots kind of thing.
00:24:32Bagel.
00:24:33Bagel.
00:24:34Bagel.
00:24:35Bagel.
00:24:36What goes with the bagel?
00:24:37He also wants to eat.
00:24:38What goes with the bagel?
00:24:39Fish.
00:24:40Fish.
00:24:41Fish.
00:24:42And also that stemmed from his mom being like of the Holocaust generation, and that
00:24:47like if you're a Jew, you gotta hide.
00:24:51Like we used to, he used to come over Friday night a lot for Shabbos dinner.
00:24:55After we ate, sometimes we went for a walk on the beach.
00:24:58We would ask questions, we'd talk.
00:25:01We'll get back to Ami in a moment.
00:25:04First, here's my dad reading an autobiographical poem during a performance in my hometown.
00:25:11I was in high school at the time, too embarrassed to be there myself.
00:25:14Ladies and gentlemen, Dave is listening.
00:25:19I wanted to keep my kids safe from the Nazis and the booted Cossacks and the sidewalk bullies
00:25:28covered in tattoos and grease.
00:25:30So I took Danny Sheldon Crivelin, fat with schlouts and griplets and funny and loud and cranking
00:25:38like the subways of New York, and I mangled him into David Daniel Crispin.
00:25:45He never sweats or screams or passes the potatoes with his fingers.
00:25:51And I'm married deep into the flat Midwest.
00:25:54The boys were born.
00:25:56The boys were blind.
00:25:58None of the kids like smoked whitefish.
00:26:01And none of the kids can make the K sound, so Kali comes out Kali.
00:26:06That's pretty funny, huh?
00:26:10And the mother sends them to church on Sunday and brags that the father blesses their throats,
00:26:15and I stay home throwing up in the bathroom, praying to a white-haired patriarch who talks
00:26:22in flames and makes Job suffer and pouts while he bellows, Thou shalt have no other God before
00:26:30me.
00:26:31And Christ dangles, smirking on the cross.
00:26:34He knows that the next Nazis will measure the noses of my children and know they had a
00:26:40kike father.
00:26:41And all my choosing out of terror, battling the corner clammy-skinned terror that achieved
00:26:49nothing.
00:26:50And I'm left with a stain of my own powers that will never, never come clean.
00:27:04Hey, Christian.
00:27:05Say, James.
00:27:06Yesterday, Pops the Turtle was found located on a highway near Raleigh,
00:27:10Missouri.
00:27:11Today, Willie, Jessie, David, and Virginia will return Pops the Turtle to safety.
00:27:17A momentous occasion in nature.
00:27:19Oh, this turtle must go free today.
00:27:23This turtle, that's the name of this video.
00:27:25This turtle must go free today.
00:27:27Oh, what a bumpy road.
00:27:29I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope.
00:27:36Three!
00:27:37Okay, he's out.
00:27:38He's out.
00:27:39Here's Ami again.
00:27:40It's just all about compassion.
00:27:41But Judaism is an idea that, like, compassion obviously is a good thing, but you have to weigh
00:27:52it with strength, because if you have too much compassion, that can actually hurt somebody.
00:27:59So you have to, like, you have to always balance things out, you know?
00:28:04Good morning, Papa.
00:28:05What's your favorite breakfast?
00:28:07Whitefish?
00:28:08Bagels?
00:28:09And mushrooms and eggs.
00:28:12As strong as he was in certain ways, there were some ways that he was very, very weak.
00:28:17Okay.
00:28:18You know?
00:28:19To have a companion was very important.
00:28:21He just, loneliness, he hated loneliness.
00:28:24You know?
00:28:25That was the thing that, like, cut away at him the most.
00:28:29Ladies and gentlemen, this is Douglas Edwards, here with Virginia Land Christie, noted costume
00:28:34designer.
00:28:35David, cut the narration.
00:28:36Cut the film.
00:28:37Please.
00:28:38I think he asked a lot about, like, the Jewish afterlife, and, like, what was going to happen
00:28:50to him when he died, and, like, um, and at the time, I didn't think that he, like, like,
00:28:57that was going to be it for him, you know?
00:28:59Like, because I knew he'd gone through so much already, you know?
00:29:02So maybe he knew it was worse off than he said it was.
00:29:08I knew he wasn't fulfilled, but Ami helped me understand just how lonely he often felt.
00:29:21Ladies and gentlemen, please.
00:29:23It made me wish I had showed up at that poetry reading, and at other times, too.
00:29:29Ah, the juggler.
00:29:30Summer of 87.
00:29:31With the beach.
00:29:33Do you boys do that?
00:29:37Do you juggle rocks like Papi?
00:29:40Papi!
00:29:41One of the last things he said is, don't forget you're Jewish.
00:29:46So he said, kind of out of nowhere, actually.
00:29:52Like, we weren't really talking.
00:29:53He was, like, in his hospital bed.
00:29:55And he was like, don't forget you're Jewish.
00:29:58It did.
00:29:59How did we do that?
00:30:01We're like, do you think?
00:30:02How did you dance?
00:30:03That's right?
00:30:04I think.
00:30:05You have to do the craft of the book.
00:30:06Yeah.
00:30:07You don't really feel free to ask people.
00:30:08That's right.
00:30:09You don't.
00:30:10That's right.
00:30:11You don't feel it.
00:30:12This one is not a fair name.
00:30:13You don't have to do it.
00:30:15Well, gentlemen, it's your first Hanukkah, second Christmas.
00:30:26I've never celebrated a Hanukkah before.
00:30:29I've never celebrated much.
00:30:32So, it's sort of fun to have these two holidays here.
00:30:38I want these kids to be filled up.
00:30:40I want them to be filled up so that when they become grown-ups, they can give.
00:30:45And not be angry, and not be hostile, because they'll be filled up.
00:30:51So, it's a holidays.
00:30:54It's a holidays.
00:30:57I've decorated the nanny room for days.
00:31:04And Kisi happens to get here for Hanukkah.
00:31:15Are you filled, Tully?
00:31:17Are you filled, Tully?
00:31:30Your muffins ready, honey?
00:31:31Nice.
00:31:33Okay.
00:31:34Okay.
00:31:38This is a nice tie.
00:31:57Honey?
00:31:57Yeah?
00:31:58I'm leaving Dr. Crown King's phone number next to the phone.
00:32:01That sea disaster psychiatrist I told you about?
00:32:04Call him, okay?
00:32:05You can't be too careful.
00:32:07Thank you, my island, princess.
00:32:10Back at my mom's, I started wondering if my dad hated being alone so much.
00:32:21Who was keeping him company all those years?
00:32:23I guess I want to know if there's anything in here that I want to scan.
00:32:36Yeah.
00:32:37A lot of this is thrown away.
00:32:38So, I'm not going to know anyone.
00:32:39Like, you know these people.
00:32:40I know.
00:32:41All right.
00:32:42Oh, my God.
00:32:43Look at Sharon Steinman.
00:32:44Oh, look.
00:32:45Tommy and Kendra.
00:32:47Where's my sister in a prom date?
00:32:49Bobby Delafano.
00:32:52So, so Winthrop.
00:32:56Do you guys want to eat before you leave?
00:32:58Wait, what's this?
00:32:59What?
00:33:00Bee stuff.
00:33:02I would say put that down on the high boy dresser.
00:33:06Who's the...
00:33:07And what it...
00:33:08Is this...
00:33:13Don't know.
00:33:17Okay.
00:33:18So, let me go back.
00:33:19Let me just tell you, and I'll try not to go into too much, you know, craziness.
00:33:24You just stop me if I go into too much, but...
00:33:25It's okay.
00:33:26I want to know about that stuff.
00:33:27Yeah.
00:33:28Okay.
00:33:29All right.
00:33:30So, I came to Harper College in 1967, and here, right away, I run into your father.
00:33:43Um, and we became friends immediately.
00:33:46The big thing I remember was that all of his friends were extremely impressed with him.
00:33:53He was a very charismatic person.
00:33:56And he was like that all his life.
00:33:58He, he drew people to him, and they just, you know, and he could charm them.
00:34:03Like, he could charm a snake.
00:34:05He, he worked in New York for a while in a job he hated.
00:34:09I had this memory of, you know, wintertime where he was just so bummed out.
00:34:14Just really unhappy.
00:34:16Hated the job.
00:34:17What job was it?
00:34:18It was, I don't know, an insurance company.
00:34:21Something very mundane.
00:34:23And, um, hated it.
00:34:24Just hated it.
00:34:25Um, really almost in tears he was.
00:34:26And talk about how much he hated this job.
00:34:27And, uh, he had to get out.
00:34:28And I said, so get out.
00:34:29Get out.
00:34:30There's nothing keeping you there.
00:34:31Why do you have to stay in this job?
00:34:32You hate it.
00:34:33And he did.
00:34:34Do you want to pull requests?
00:34:45Do you want me to call them exists?
00:34:46So, ah.
00:34:55Do you want us to call them?
00:35:02Our mom just said dad was lazy.
00:35:06It's Friday, I think.
00:35:09Nobody said he might be suffering.
00:35:12Maybe down four.
00:35:16In truth, I didn't remember my dad working any traditional type jobs.
00:35:21Arrhythmic sounds coming from the palm.
00:35:24Further investigation required.
00:35:32I think of course, when you guys were born,
00:35:40you know, you were telling me why we were saying that
00:35:45the whole house was launched.
00:35:47They were not going to be able to take the whole house,
00:35:49but they didn't make up or not.
00:35:51Then they got to go,
00:35:52they didn't notice yourself.
00:35:54They didn't notice someone else's light.
00:35:56They didn't notice someone else's light.
00:35:59And then I think, and then of course, you know,
00:36:01when you guys were born, you know, one of you had the, which one was it?
00:36:06Was it you? I guess it was your brother.
00:36:07Is it you or your brother that had the?
00:36:09Jesse was born with a cleft lip and palate.
00:36:12Yeah.
00:36:13And he, that just really blew his mind.
00:36:19It never occurred to him that you might have kids and the kids might have a medical problem.
00:36:23I mean, it just never turned to him and he didn't have any money.
00:36:26And, you know, what he felt, I think.
00:36:29And now he had to provide for the families that meant, like, real jobs.
00:36:32He didn't like real jobs.
00:36:33He had, like, a job, a marketing job.
00:36:35He had this team and I'd talk to the people on the team and be like, wow, you know, David's great.
00:36:40He's so, you know, uh, uh, uh.
00:36:42And it was just like everything I had always heard since I was a teenager, you know, like, oh, you know, your father was this big figure and they'd all look up to him.
00:36:51But I don't think he felt that way about himself.
00:36:53I think that he was sort of like a hollow man in those ways.
00:36:58You know, he was diagnosed bipolar.
00:37:02He was fundamentally a good person, but he was sick.
00:37:05He was sick.
00:37:06And he didn't want, he didn't deal with the fact that he was sick very well.
00:37:11He didn't think of the effect of what not taking the medication would have on his family.
00:37:16I didn't mean to cut him out of my life forever, you know.
00:37:23I just wanted to, uh, I just wanted to, uh, I just wanted to, uh, I didn't want to deal with him when he was that crazy.
00:37:34He didn't want any kind of constraint, right?
00:37:43He wanted to be free.
00:37:46Of course, that, that kind of desire for freedom becomes a constraint in itself.
00:37:51I started to see a pattern.
00:37:57He wanted independence so badly, but always relied on someone else for help.
00:38:02Who that someone was changed a lot.
00:38:04The exact timeline of who my dad dated and when has always been fuzzy to me.
00:38:10I know he was with a few different women after he and my mom separated, and at least one while they were together.
00:38:16We'll get to her.
00:38:17But Kathy was his last partner.
00:38:20Maybe she could help me understand him at that late stage in his life.
00:38:24You met your dad, right?
00:38:25You know, life was hard for him.
00:38:36He didn't have, there was some, like, basic life skills that he didn't have.
00:38:40He wasn't very good at, you know, plotting through life and doing the things that you're supposed to do.
00:38:47I think in part it was a choice, and I think part it was a restriction of his mental illness.
00:38:53And it's not like he really continued being able to functionally pursue any creative stuff.
00:39:02Like, even he said Brooklyn Boy, he was transitioning between contacts and glasses or something,
00:39:07and he just, like, could never get it together to get the contacts.
00:39:11So, it's not like he, like, really became a successful actor.
00:39:17He made me laugh every single day.
00:39:22And, you know, he made me cry about every third day, and he pissed me off every other day.
00:39:30He just, he had an interesting perspective because he didn't have kind of a traditional life.
00:39:36Hearing Kathy's stories made me wonder how much control my dad had over his life.
00:39:43My siblings and I were once part of a study for kids of bipolar parents,
00:39:47but we just figured we were doing it so our dad could earn some cash.
00:39:52By the end of it, his life seemed like a far cry from the unregimented freedom that his Groovopolis characters enjoy.
00:39:58Did my dad still experience rainbows, or just rain?
00:40:08What'd you get?
00:40:10I don't know. We'll find out.
00:40:13What's the charity called?
00:40:16Community Servants.
00:40:23See my dad.
00:40:24See my dad use
00:40:26The Hard-Assed Money I Work For
00:40:30To Feed His Face.
00:40:34Wait, are you doing a documentary on me?
00:40:40Let's see what we got.
00:40:42We got
00:40:43Sweet and Sour Chicken, Pasta, and Beans.
00:40:46That's a pretty good thing there.
00:40:49And Fittata Fish.
00:40:51I hate Fittata, but
00:40:53Dad, how are the medical bills paid?
00:41:02I have Medicare
00:41:03and Mass Health
00:41:06because I'm poor.
00:41:09And it covers all of it?
00:41:11All.
00:41:13Really?
00:41:15Wow.
00:41:15Can you imagine?
00:41:22So does that make you angry?
00:41:24No, of course not. That's awesome.
00:41:26Well, how does it make you feel, though?
00:41:28You know, it actually...
00:41:30I don't know.
00:41:33People complain about health stuff so much
00:41:35I assume there was a problem
00:41:36with people not getting
00:41:37health care enough.
00:41:39Well,
00:41:40it's good to be either rich
00:41:42or poor in America.
00:41:48One day you looked up at me
00:41:50and you said,
00:41:51you gotta work, right, Dad?
00:41:52Ah, did I feel crummy?
00:41:58Yes.
00:41:59The answer is yes.
00:42:01You gotta.
00:42:04I didn't know my dad felt ashamed
00:42:06of not being a provider.
00:42:08Sometimes I felt ashamed
00:42:09that I was working a, quote,
00:42:11real job
00:42:12instead of being a full-time artist.
00:42:14The more I dug into the script
00:42:16and talked to people
00:42:17from my dad's life,
00:42:18the less foreign his struggles became.
00:42:20I wish I had more talks
00:42:23like this with him.
00:42:24I would have asked him
00:42:25about the good stuff.
00:42:26What gives him hope
00:42:27and brings him joy?
00:42:29And I also would have asked him
00:42:30about this other tape
00:42:31that I found when I was looking
00:42:33for my dad's mixtape.
00:42:34I just wanna fuck.
00:42:38I know about pain and suffering
00:42:40and being cold.
00:42:42I just wanna fuck.
00:42:45I knew who this tape came from.
00:42:47I knew about her
00:42:48because my mom knew about her.
00:42:49It was from a woman named Lina
00:42:51who my dad had a son with
00:42:53sometime during my childhood.
00:43:00Wake up.
00:43:01I'm sleeping.
00:43:04Wake up.
00:43:05I'm sleeping.
00:43:07I overheard stories growing up
00:43:09like that she sent a picture
00:43:11of a burning airplane to my mom
00:43:13because she knew my mom
00:43:16was a flight attendant.
00:43:18Wake up.
00:43:19You're dreaming.
00:43:20But to bring up Lina
00:43:21was taboo.
00:43:23Actually,
00:43:25taboo is an understatement.
00:43:26Did you want that cheap?
00:43:51So when I found another photo
00:43:53of Lina's son
00:43:54in a card with my dad's stuff,
00:43:56I fought the butterflies
00:43:57in my stomach
00:43:58and showed my mom
00:43:59another piece of mail
00:44:00that Lina had sent
00:44:01to see if I could learn more
00:44:03about what really happened.
00:44:04Oh.
00:44:06Oh, when did he send this?
00:44:10Did he get this?
00:44:12I have no idea what that is.
00:44:14Ninety-three.
00:44:17Sarah would have been
00:44:18seven.
00:44:27Yeah.
00:44:29I got more pictures
00:44:31of that kid.
00:44:32He looks more like
00:44:34your friend Kenny.
00:44:39Oh, that's very sweet.
00:44:40Should I put this
00:44:41with the other stuff?
00:44:44I mean, Dave always
00:44:45denied it.
00:44:46She had five kids
00:44:47by five different men
00:44:49and then she had
00:44:50this one by Dave.
00:44:52But that was her M.O.
00:44:54That's how she supported
00:44:55herself since she was
00:44:5619 years old.
00:44:58Do the math.
00:44:59Five kids.
00:45:0140 years old.
00:45:02And she's suddenly pregnant.
00:45:04Wait, wait, hold on.
00:45:05With a kid that looks
00:45:06nothing like you
00:45:07that nobody would
00:45:07give a name to.
00:45:09Hold on.
00:45:09And then now she's
00:45:10supposedly all happy
00:45:12with this lawyer man.
00:45:15Oh, no shit.
00:45:16A lawyer, Lena.
00:45:18Hey, Mom.
00:45:18I can't do this.
00:45:20No, no, no, no, no, no.
00:45:21No, I'm not
00:45:21going to do this.
00:45:24Stop filming
00:45:25right now, William.
00:45:30Okay, if you're puzzled,
00:45:32that's because
00:45:33it's puzzling.
00:45:33Here's what I knew
00:45:36for sure.
00:45:37I had a half-brother
00:45:38named Josh.
00:45:39Our moms never
00:45:40got along.
00:45:41And we often
00:45:42got caught in the middle.
00:45:44Oh, and Josh's mom
00:45:45was into witchcraft.
00:45:47Anyway, I wanted
00:45:48to respect my mom's
00:45:49wish for me to stop.
00:45:51But I desperately
00:45:52needed to know
00:45:52about this dark magic
00:45:54and my half-brother.
00:45:56So I kept
00:45:57the audio recording.
00:45:59Lena and I would work
00:46:01and he would watch
00:46:01children.
00:46:02I came home
00:46:04from a trip
00:46:04and your ass
00:46:05was all black and blue
00:46:06because you didn't
00:46:07make it to the bathroom.
00:46:08I could no longer
00:46:09leave you alone
00:46:10with him.
00:46:11I had to hire help
00:46:12when I flew
00:46:13even though you
00:46:14had a dad
00:46:15who was the
00:46:16caregiver,
00:46:18the house husband,
00:46:20the home dad
00:46:21or whatever the fuck
00:46:22they call him.
00:46:26Well, you don't
00:46:27want to record
00:46:27when I feel
00:46:28of this guy.
00:46:30Hey, Mom, listen.
00:46:31Can I just tell you
00:46:31that email
00:46:32is going to answer
00:46:33on the phone?
00:46:37Home dad?
00:46:38Cut the narration.
00:46:40Cut the bill.
00:46:42Please.
00:46:44I don't really
00:46:45remember physical abuse,
00:46:47which each of my parents
00:46:48accused the other
00:46:49of doing.
00:46:50But I do remember
00:46:51the yelling,
00:46:52being caught
00:46:53in the middle
00:46:54of adults
00:46:54with their own
00:46:55pain to process.
00:46:56I thought talking
00:46:58would help
00:46:58clarify things,
00:47:00but I guess
00:47:00even now
00:47:01it was going
00:47:02to feel taboo.
00:47:04While my mom's
00:47:04version is not
00:47:05totally accurate,
00:47:06in fact,
00:47:07Lena only had
00:47:08one more kid
00:47:08than her,
00:47:09this is how
00:47:10my mother felt.
00:47:11Even after
00:47:12my father's death,
00:47:13she still didn't
00:47:14want to talk about
00:47:15Lena or Josh
00:47:16at all.
00:47:16But I felt
00:47:19it was now
00:47:19possible to
00:47:20explore things
00:47:21that were
00:47:21always off limits.
00:47:24So I went
00:47:25to my siblings
00:47:26who were caught
00:47:26in the middle
00:47:27with me.
00:47:28Weren't my brother
00:47:29and sister curious
00:47:30about our dad's
00:47:31other family too?
00:47:33Jesse!
00:47:33Siblings!
00:47:36Do you know
00:47:38why I want
00:47:38to go upstate?
00:47:39I gather
00:47:41that you want
00:47:42to get caught
00:47:42on the above.
00:47:43Dad.
00:47:44Any other
00:47:46ideas why
00:47:47I might want
00:47:47to go to
00:47:48upstate New York?
00:47:51Oh god.
00:47:56Why are you
00:47:57keeping this
00:47:57secret?
00:47:58I'm not!
00:47:59Why do you
00:47:59think I'm
00:47:59telling you?
00:48:00Why do you
00:48:00think we're
00:48:01talking about it?
00:48:02What?
00:48:03Is it a bad
00:48:04idea?
00:48:06Yeah, but like,
00:48:07it's us.
00:48:07We're all so
00:48:08attached about
00:48:09everything.
00:48:10Yeah, I know.
00:48:11But I don't
00:48:12know, like...
00:48:13I think we
00:48:14should meet
00:48:15Josh.
00:48:17It's a little
00:48:18bit of a
00:48:18wind fuck.
00:48:24Is it hot?
00:48:29Turn right
00:48:30onto East
00:48:31going straight.
00:48:34My sister Sarah
00:48:35couldn't be swayed
00:48:36to meet Josh
00:48:37and Lena,
00:48:38so she stayed
00:48:38home.
00:48:39Should I park
00:48:40right in front?
00:48:41Like my mom,
00:48:42she didn't want
00:48:43to go anywhere
00:48:44near this,
00:48:45which is
00:48:45understandable.
00:48:46A destination
00:48:47is on your
00:48:48right.
00:48:49I felt like
00:48:50I was getting
00:48:50closer to
00:48:51witnessing my
00:48:52dad when he
00:48:52was making
00:48:53that mixtape
00:48:54and writing
00:48:54Groovopolis.
00:48:55I was finally
00:48:56unearthing him
00:48:57at his freest.
00:48:59But to my mom
00:49:00and sister,
00:49:02that freedom
00:49:03just looked
00:49:04like abandonment.
00:49:06I also felt
00:49:09anger toward
00:49:10my dad for
00:49:10fucking things
00:49:11up for our
00:49:12family.
00:49:13How could he
00:49:13do this to
00:49:14us?
00:49:14How could he
00:49:15do it to
00:49:15me?
00:49:16As a teenager,
00:49:17I remember
00:49:17him once
00:49:18telling me in
00:49:19an exasperated
00:49:20way that it's
00:49:21so hard to
00:49:21love one
00:49:22woman.
00:49:23Sure, I
00:49:24understand that
00:49:25better now,
00:49:26but did he
00:49:27feel responsibility
00:49:28to us or
00:49:29just to free
00:49:30love?
00:49:31What is your
00:49:31intent?
00:49:32Because there's
00:49:32something that
00:49:33is so intense
00:49:34that have to do
00:49:35with you,
00:49:36Sarah,
00:49:36and Will,
00:49:37and things
00:49:38that he told
00:49:39me from his
00:49:41perspective.
00:49:42I'm Will.
00:49:43Yes, Will,
00:49:44Jesse,
00:49:46Sarah.
00:49:47I know you're
00:49:48Will.
00:49:48Yeah, wait,
00:49:49so I know
00:49:50there's a lot.
00:49:52What I wanted
00:49:52to know but
00:49:53was too nervous
00:49:54to ask was
00:49:55if my dad
00:49:56was happier
00:49:56with them.
00:49:57Was he like
00:49:58that freewheeling
00:49:58character he was
00:49:59writing about
00:50:00at the time?
00:50:01Had he been
00:50:01somehow transformed
00:50:03and enlightened
00:50:04on an island
00:50:04in Groovopolis.
00:50:06The last thing
00:50:06I want to do
00:50:07is like cause
00:50:08you additional
00:50:08stress or
00:50:09cause my mom
00:50:10stress.
00:50:11Oh, well,
00:50:12I only met
00:50:14your mom once.
00:50:15Yeah.
00:50:15But I talked
00:50:16to her the phone
00:50:16several times.
00:50:19Just so you
00:50:20know,
00:50:21when I first
00:50:22told him I was
00:50:23expecting Josh,
00:50:25he was really
00:50:25happy.
00:50:26He smiled.
00:50:28He was,
00:50:29he was happy.
00:50:30And,
00:50:31and everything
00:50:36kind of,
00:50:36you know,
00:50:37it was okay
00:50:37for a while
00:50:37but then it
00:50:38started slowly
00:50:38getting worse
00:50:39and I was
00:50:41working
00:50:41and then I
00:50:43found out
00:50:43your mom
00:50:43was calling
00:50:44there all the
00:50:44time.
00:50:46He was going
00:50:46back and forth,
00:50:47being called
00:50:47back all the
00:50:48time.
00:50:51And one day
00:50:53shortly after
00:50:55Josh turned
00:50:56two,
00:50:56it was just
00:50:57out of the room.
00:50:58He says,
00:50:59I'm going
00:50:59back.
00:51:01I said,
00:51:01what's going
00:51:02on?
00:51:02He says,
00:51:03what are we
00:51:03doing?
00:51:04What's going
00:51:04to happen
00:51:05to me
00:51:05when I'm
00:51:06older?
00:51:07Who's going
00:51:07to take
00:51:07care of
00:51:08me?
00:51:08You?
00:51:10And I
00:51:10said,
00:51:10what?
00:51:13I didn't
00:51:14have enough
00:51:14money to
00:51:15take care
00:51:15of him.
00:51:16He had
00:51:16quit his
00:51:17job at
00:51:17this point.
00:51:19He had
00:51:19a job?
00:51:20He had
00:51:20a job.
00:51:21He had
00:51:21a job
00:51:22where he
00:51:22made $100,000
00:51:23per year.
00:51:25What?
00:51:25What was
00:51:25he doing?
00:51:26He was
00:51:27working as
00:51:27a manager
00:51:28in a
00:51:28telemarketing
00:51:29company.
00:51:31He was
00:51:32doing very
00:51:32well.
00:51:33There was
00:51:34nothing for
00:51:34him to
00:51:34do except
00:51:35sit there
00:51:35and watch
00:51:37people on
00:51:37the phone.
00:51:39He was
00:51:39loved by
00:51:40everybody
00:51:40because he
00:51:41had such
00:51:41a great
00:51:41persona.
00:51:43Why did
00:51:43he leave
00:51:44the job?
00:51:48I'll tell
00:51:49you what
00:51:49he told
00:51:49me.
00:51:52He says,
00:51:53it's just
00:51:55taking
00:51:55everything
00:51:55out of
00:51:56me.
00:51:57I was
00:51:58always
00:51:58trying to
00:51:58get him
00:51:58back into
00:51:59spirituality
00:51:59because he
00:52:00was very
00:52:00much
00:52:01self-hating.
00:52:03You know,
00:52:03self-hating
00:52:04Jew,
00:52:04it's Jewish.
00:52:05He said he
00:52:05wanted to be
00:52:05the guy in
00:52:06Connecticut
00:52:06on the
00:52:07boat.
00:52:08I don't
00:52:08know if
00:52:08he ever
00:52:09said that
00:52:09to you.
00:52:09But he
00:52:10wanted to
00:52:10be the
00:52:10guy with
00:52:11the khakis
00:52:12on the
00:52:12boat,
00:52:13not Danny
00:52:15privy.
00:52:15He would
00:52:16actually do
00:52:16it like
00:52:16this.
00:52:17He would
00:52:17go from
00:52:17persona
00:52:18to persona
00:52:18because I
00:52:19want to be
00:52:19the guy
00:52:19on the
00:52:20boat.
00:52:20My dad
00:52:23played plenty
00:52:23of roles,
00:52:24but a guy
00:52:25in khakis
00:52:25on a boat
00:52:26in Connecticut
00:52:27had to be
00:52:28the furthest
00:52:29from a
00:52:29Brooklyn-born
00:52:30Jewish boy
00:52:31named Danny.
00:52:33I'll be
00:52:34right back.
00:52:36We haven't
00:52:37had a radio
00:52:38breakdown,
00:52:38not yet.
00:52:40Must have
00:52:40been hot.
00:52:41Yeah.
00:52:41I'm telling
00:52:47you, Ivan
00:52:48Mosher is
00:52:48half-wide.
00:52:50Hey,
00:52:51it's down!
00:52:52So what
00:52:52are you
00:52:52waiting for?
00:52:53Your, uh,
00:52:54table's
00:52:54ready?
00:52:55Thanks.
00:52:56On the
00:52:574th of
00:52:57July,
00:52:581845,
00:53:00Thoreau
00:53:00put the
00:53:01busy,
00:53:01competitive
00:53:02world behind
00:53:02him.
00:53:03You're
00:53:03out of
00:53:03your
00:53:03fucking
00:53:04mind.
00:53:06Hey,
00:53:06you'll
00:53:06finish
00:53:07both
00:53:07job
00:53:07all.
00:53:10You know,
00:53:10all these
00:53:10things that
00:53:11he is,
00:53:11for all
00:53:11personas.
00:53:12He has
00:53:12a persona
00:53:13for this,
00:53:13a persona
00:53:14for that,
00:53:14because the
00:53:15real Danny
00:53:16is like
00:53:17this.
00:53:18He says,
00:53:19he's Danny
00:53:20Sheldon Krivillen,
00:53:22he's very
00:53:22scary and
00:53:23tiny.
00:53:24You know,
00:53:24he would do
00:53:25all this
00:53:25stuff.
00:53:26And then
00:53:26he'd have
00:53:27like,
00:53:27whoa,
00:53:28you know,
00:53:28like,
00:53:29these personas
00:53:30that were
00:53:31out there
00:53:31and were
00:53:32very charismatic
00:53:33and they
00:53:34were all
00:53:34shields
00:53:35to protect
00:53:35him.
00:53:38That's it.
00:53:39I mean,
00:53:40he was
00:53:40everything
00:53:41that
00:53:41everybody
00:53:41says he
00:53:42was to
00:53:43them.
00:53:44He was
00:53:44a hundred
00:53:45different
00:53:45people
00:53:46to
00:53:46everybody.
00:53:52Okay,
00:53:53so he
00:53:54couldn't
00:53:54take the
00:53:54cubicle,
00:53:55but did
00:53:56that make
00:53:56acting his
00:53:57one chance
00:53:57to support
00:53:58our families?
00:53:59Or was
00:53:59that just
00:54:00an opportunity
00:54:00to be
00:54:01someone else?
00:54:03To hide
00:54:04from
00:54:04responsibility?
00:54:05My dad
00:54:06left Josh
00:54:07even more
00:54:08than he
00:54:08left us.
00:54:09If anyone
00:54:10should feel
00:54:10abandoned,
00:54:11it was
00:54:11him.
00:54:15So,
00:54:16have you
00:54:17met
00:54:17David?
00:54:19No.
00:54:20There were
00:54:21times when
00:54:22you guys
00:54:24were separated
00:54:25and he
00:54:25would come
00:54:26out and
00:54:26hang out
00:54:26with me.
00:54:27I think
00:54:27we went
00:54:27to the
00:54:28zoo,
00:54:28we went
00:54:29to the
00:54:29park a
00:54:29couple
00:54:30times,
00:54:30and that's
00:54:30really all
00:54:31the memories
00:54:32ahead of
00:54:32him.
00:54:34What's
00:54:34weird?
00:54:35Well,
00:54:35I mean,
00:54:36I've heard
00:54:36stuff,
00:54:37you know,
00:54:37like,
00:54:38that,
00:54:38you know,
00:54:39that there's
00:54:40some level
00:54:40of narcissism
00:54:41or ego
00:54:42behind his
00:54:42motives,
00:54:43but,
00:54:43like,
00:54:43I never
00:54:44knew him.
00:54:44You know
00:54:45what I
00:54:45mean?
00:54:46My dad's
00:54:47widespread love
00:54:48led to
00:54:49widespread loss.
00:54:51It felt
00:54:51unfair that
00:54:52Josh knew
00:54:52less about
00:54:53our dad
00:54:53than we
00:54:54did.
00:54:55I let
00:54:55him know
00:54:56that my
00:54:56dad didn't
00:54:57financially
00:54:57support our
00:54:58branch of
00:54:58the family
00:54:59tree either.
00:55:00I don't
00:55:01really say,
00:55:03like,
00:55:03oh,
00:55:03he left
00:55:03me and
00:55:04all this
00:55:04other stuff.
00:55:09Meaning,
00:55:09after such
00:55:11a long
00:55:12time,
00:55:12I mean,
00:55:12do you,
00:55:14what's going
00:55:15through your
00:55:15head?
00:55:17Are there,
00:55:18like,
00:55:18well,
00:55:18I mean,
00:55:19we're like
00:55:19blood,
00:55:20you know
00:55:20what I'm
00:55:20saying?
00:55:20It's like,
00:55:21we share
00:55:21the same
00:55:22genetics,
00:55:23you know
00:55:24what I
00:55:24mean?
00:55:25You know,
00:55:26we're a
00:55:26family,
00:55:27you know,
00:55:28that was
00:55:28kind of
00:55:29split apart,
00:55:30you know,
00:55:30I don't
00:55:34really have
00:55:34much to
00:55:35say.
00:55:36Can you
00:55:37show us
00:55:37your tattoos
00:55:37one more
00:55:38time?
00:55:39Oh,
00:55:39yeah,
00:55:39definitely.
00:55:41Want me to
00:55:41show it to
00:55:42the camera?
00:55:42Yeah,
00:55:42that'd be
00:55:43awesome.
00:55:43Sure.
00:55:44This is
00:55:44Bob Marley.
00:55:46I thought
00:55:47meeting my
00:55:47half-brother
00:55:48would reveal
00:55:48my dad's
00:55:49mindset while
00:55:50he was
00:55:50writing
00:55:50Groovopolis,
00:55:52but all
00:55:53I saw
00:55:53was my
00:55:54dad constrained
00:55:55by the
00:55:56expectations
00:55:56that he'd
00:55:57be a
00:55:57supportive
00:55:58partner or
00:55:58a nurturing
00:55:59parent,
00:55:59and it
00:56:01made me
00:56:01want to
00:56:01be more
00:56:01nurturing
00:56:02myself.
00:56:03What's
00:56:04like a
00:56:04classic
00:56:05metal song
00:56:06that we
00:56:06haven't heard
00:56:07that you
00:56:07think we
00:56:08need to
00:56:08hear?
00:56:09A classic
00:56:09metal song?
00:56:11Smash a
00:56:11single digit.
00:56:12There you
00:56:13go.
00:56:14Yeah?
00:56:14You can
00:56:15play
00:56:15Smash a
00:56:15single
00:56:15digit.
00:56:16Yeah.
00:56:16it was a
00:56:32hypnotic
00:56:32state of
00:56:33lust and
00:56:34fantasy.
00:56:35We were
00:56:35all headed
00:56:36for some
00:56:36sort of
00:56:36galactical
00:56:37orgasm
00:56:38when we
00:56:38realized
00:56:39that we
00:56:40needed
00:56:40physical
00:56:40bodies to
00:56:41achieve
00:56:42that climax
00:56:43since we
00:56:44weren't an
00:56:45ethereal
00:56:45kind of
00:56:45body.
00:56:47That climax
00:56:47was impossible.
00:56:49But still,
00:56:51the desire
00:56:52for fulfillment
00:56:53grew stronger.
00:56:55Here we go.
00:56:57Let's go with
00:56:58that guy.
00:57:00This 1960s movie
00:57:02won an award.
00:57:04Hmm.
00:57:05Was it
00:57:05How Green Was My Valley?
00:57:07All right again,
00:57:07gumdrop.
00:57:08Well,
00:57:09this might be
00:57:09an early evening
00:57:10after all.
00:57:11We are
00:57:11using big,
00:57:12huh?
00:57:12Time to get
00:57:13on the stick.
00:57:14Before we
00:57:15start,
00:57:15I have a
00:57:15hankering for
00:57:16the Vienna
00:57:16boys.
00:57:17Anybody
00:57:17object?
00:57:18I will.
00:57:19I mean,
00:57:21not at all.
00:57:22I'll put it
00:57:22on.
00:57:23Lena said
00:57:24that my dad
00:57:25used different
00:57:25personas as
00:57:27shields to
00:57:27protect his
00:57:28vulnerability.
00:57:29Is he
00:57:29seeing anyone?
00:57:31We're working
00:57:31on it.
00:57:32It just
00:57:32seems a little
00:57:33bit off.
00:57:34I was
00:57:35starting to
00:57:35feel like
00:57:35making Groovopolis
00:57:36was my
00:57:37shield.
00:57:38A way
00:57:38to not
00:57:38have to
00:57:39deal with
00:57:39the grief
00:57:40of losing
00:57:40my dad.
00:57:42I'm just
00:57:42really worried
00:57:43about him.
00:57:44He's going to
00:57:44save him
00:57:45all the time.
00:57:46That Bob Twilliger
00:57:46sure has my
00:57:47vote.
00:57:48I mean,
00:57:48something has
00:57:49to be done
00:57:49about these
00:57:49downtown
00:57:50riffraffs.
00:57:51Why don't
00:57:51they just
00:57:52put a mall
00:57:52there,
00:57:52like everywhere
00:57:53else?
00:57:54My turn.
00:57:55All right.
00:57:57Okay.
00:57:59Adventure Heroes.
00:58:00How appropriate!
00:58:01Right.
00:58:02How many
00:58:02movie stars
00:58:03are playing
00:58:04Tarzan?
00:58:05Oh,
00:58:05that's an easy
00:58:06one.
00:58:06Okay,
00:58:06let me see.
00:58:07Where is
00:58:08this music?
00:58:10Well,
00:58:10it certainly
00:58:10isn't the
00:58:11Vienna Boys,
00:58:11but it does
00:58:13have a
00:58:13pleasantness to
00:58:14it.
00:58:16It's
00:58:16totally
00:58:16toasty in
00:58:17here with
00:58:18that fire,
00:58:18isn't it?
00:58:21There's
00:58:21John
00:58:22Weissmuller,
00:58:24Tarzan,
00:58:26the
00:58:26Ape Man,
00:58:29Tarzan,
00:58:30the Barber,
00:58:31Tarsan,
00:58:36the Jumbo Man.
00:58:37In
00:58:50Groovopolis,
00:58:51mystical sounds
00:58:52turn Philip
00:58:52into Phil.
00:58:54Whoever he shares
00:58:55the music with
00:58:56becomes better
00:58:57and more free
00:58:58until there's
00:58:59some kind of
00:59:00shared suburban
00:59:01paradise.
00:59:03But his movie
00:59:04didn't reflect
00:59:05the pain my dad
00:59:05caused in real life.
00:59:08I realized
00:59:09I was trying
00:59:10to honor my dad
00:59:11when what I really
00:59:13needed to do
00:59:14was forgive him.
00:59:16Sex is a
00:59:17misdemeanor
00:59:18The more you
00:59:19miss
00:59:19the meaner
00:59:20you get
00:59:20My dad once
00:59:29told a reporter
00:59:29acting is
00:59:31something that
00:59:31I can't
00:59:32not do.
00:59:33Even if
00:59:34somebody had
00:59:34a role for me
00:59:35and wasn't
00:59:36going to pay
00:59:36me at all
00:59:37I would still
00:59:38do it.
00:59:39What's wrong
00:59:39with this picture?
00:59:41He didn't even
00:59:42get credited
00:59:42for his most
00:59:43noteworthy
00:59:44performance.
00:59:44Nice night
00:59:46for a walk
00:59:46eh?
00:59:47In what was
00:59:47at the time
00:59:48a small budget
00:59:49indie film
00:59:49called
00:59:50The Terminator.
00:59:52Nice night
00:59:52for a walk.
01:00:04Duh.
01:00:05Remember
01:00:06art
01:00:07it's good
01:00:08for your heart
01:00:09and I'm
01:00:10out of here.
01:00:13After that
01:00:14his career
01:00:15was a mixed
01:00:16bag of poetry
01:00:17readings
01:00:17and public
01:00:18access TV
01:00:19and the less
01:00:22he worked
01:00:22the more
01:00:23he wrote.
01:00:25I'll have
01:00:26the blood
01:00:26sausage
01:00:27and a large
01:00:28glass of milk.
01:00:29I'll have
01:00:29your largest
01:00:30bowl of
01:00:31fresh fruit
01:00:31please.
01:00:32Phillip's job
01:00:32for Soothing's
01:00:33Inc.
01:00:33was selling
01:00:34background music
01:00:35to retail stores.
01:00:36I seem to be
01:00:37having a confidence
01:00:38problem Mr.
01:00:38Tooley.
01:00:40Coincidentally
01:00:41my first job
01:00:42was also
01:00:42selling background
01:00:43music
01:00:44which is what
01:00:45sparked that
01:00:45first and only
01:00:46conversation I had
01:00:47with my dad
01:00:48about Groovopolis.
01:00:51Toward the end
01:00:52of the movie
01:00:52a new product
01:00:53called X-Tool
01:00:54promises to
01:00:56hypnotize shoppers
01:00:57into buying things.
01:00:58Sorry
01:00:59Ainsworth
01:01:00I would love
01:01:00to help you
01:01:01be more confident.
01:01:03Good.
01:01:04But
01:01:05for it to work
01:01:06the evil boss
01:01:07has to harness
01:01:08the music
01:01:09that Phillip
01:01:09recorded on
01:01:10the island
01:01:10while he
01:01:11was marooned.
01:01:13But the
01:01:13X-Tool really
01:01:14isn't my
01:01:14passion anymore.
01:01:16The same
01:01:16hypnotic rhythm
01:01:17that converted
01:01:18Phillip
01:01:18into whatever
01:01:20the opposite
01:01:20of a paper
01:01:21quote is.
01:01:22I'm offering
01:01:23you the
01:01:23opportunity
01:01:24of a
01:01:24lifetime
01:01:24Tooley.
01:01:25Yes I
01:01:25understand
01:01:26but
01:01:26I'm actually
01:01:27more
01:01:28passionate
01:01:28about
01:01:29the new
01:01:29music
01:01:29I found.
01:01:31New music?
01:01:33Imagine the
01:01:34peak
01:01:34of a
01:01:35summer
01:01:36weekend
01:01:36Ainsworth
01:01:37lying barefoot
01:01:38on a
01:01:38grassy hill.
01:01:40If the
01:01:40script was
01:01:40perfect
01:01:41maybe it
01:01:42would have
01:01:42been made
01:01:42into a
01:01:43quintessential
01:01:4390s movie
01:01:44and bringing
01:01:45its pages
01:01:45to life
01:01:46I could
01:01:46recognize
01:01:47the tension
01:01:48woven
01:01:48throughout
01:01:48my dad's
01:01:49how to
01:01:50balance
01:01:50his
01:01:50opportunities
01:01:51for stability
01:01:52with his
01:01:52true passions.
01:01:53And that's
01:01:54what this
01:01:54music does.
01:01:56An amusing
01:01:56concept.
01:02:01I'm gonna
01:02:02make you
01:02:02a deal
01:02:03Mr.
01:02:03Tooley
01:02:04I don't
01:02:06make deals
01:02:06like this
01:02:06too often.
01:02:09You finish
01:02:10the X
01:02:10tool
01:02:10for me
01:02:11the company
01:02:12is yours.
01:02:16The
01:02:16whole
01:02:18company?
01:02:19To produce
01:02:20whatever
01:02:20type of
01:02:20music
01:02:20you like.
01:02:25Thank you
01:02:26very much.
01:02:29You've
01:02:29worked
01:02:29way too
01:02:30hard
01:02:30for your
01:02:31paltry
01:02:31wage
01:02:31Tooley.
01:02:34You deserve
01:02:34a taste
01:02:35of the
01:02:36good life.
01:02:47Hi, this is
01:02:48Dave Christen
01:02:49for Artbeat.
01:02:51First, a question.
01:02:54I'm at a
01:02:55very special building
01:02:56in Winthrop.
01:02:57Anybody know?
01:02:58My dad struck
01:02:59me as having
01:03:00been beaten
01:03:00down by the
01:03:01proverbial man.
01:03:03His poetry,
01:03:04while appreciated,
01:03:06hardly got
01:03:06published.
01:03:07He moved
01:03:08from Hollywood
01:03:09into community
01:03:10theater.
01:03:11He started
01:03:12teaching English
01:03:13as a second
01:03:13language to
01:03:14immigrants.
01:03:15But he still
01:03:15couldn't pay the
01:03:16rent or buy
01:03:17his own
01:03:17groceries.
01:03:18That is so hard.
01:03:20The man had
01:03:21won.
01:03:22But through
01:03:23making Groovopolis,
01:03:24what I once saw
01:03:25as my dad's
01:03:26laziness,
01:03:27I now saw
01:03:28as willingness.
01:03:30His resistance,
01:03:31a subtle protest
01:03:32against corporate
01:03:33mediocrity.
01:03:47This dance
01:03:48between Danny
01:03:48and David,
01:03:49between Phillip
01:03:50and Phil,
01:03:51it's the dance
01:03:52between who we are
01:03:53and who we aspire
01:03:54to be.
01:03:56Despite his
01:03:57loneliness,
01:03:57my dad never
01:03:58settled into a
01:03:59single path to
01:03:59happiness.
01:04:01And while I
01:04:02looked for purpose
01:04:03and work,
01:04:04he shared his
01:04:05very last words
01:04:06with me.
01:04:07They were just
01:04:08like what he put
01:04:09in his letter
01:04:09to Jeff when
01:04:10he was warning
01:04:10himself.
01:04:12He said,
01:04:13it's okay to
01:04:14just be.
01:04:23Mr. Tuley!
01:04:33Such a disappointment
01:04:34this evil little
01:04:35tape of yours.
01:04:38Evil?
01:04:39Wonderful!
01:04:39What are you doing?
01:04:40How could you do that?
01:04:41It was good!
01:04:41We were happy!
01:04:44Happiness is a
01:04:45temporary delusion
01:04:46a truly efficient
01:04:47person cannot afford.
01:04:48The story we heard
01:05:10about my dad's
01:05:11earlier skin cancer
01:05:12was that he
01:05:12beat it.
01:05:16I liked to think
01:05:17of that as a
01:05:17trade-off for his
01:05:18love of the sun.
01:05:20And his love had
01:05:21to be stronger
01:05:22than the hate
01:05:22of cancer.
01:05:25This numbed us
01:05:26to the possibility
01:05:26that he could
01:05:27succumb to it.
01:05:29So when I was
01:05:30just 25 and
01:05:31his doctor told
01:05:32me that my dad
01:05:33had stage 4
01:05:34cancer,
01:05:35that it had
01:05:36metastasized to
01:05:37his brain,
01:05:38and that I would
01:05:40have to decide
01:05:40whether he should
01:05:41stay in the
01:05:41hospital or go
01:05:43into hospice,
01:05:44I thought,
01:05:46I have no
01:05:48idea what
01:05:48the fuck
01:05:49any of those
01:05:49terms mean.
01:05:53All I knew
01:05:54was that I
01:05:55wasn't ready
01:05:55to let go
01:05:56of my dad,
01:05:57to learn
01:05:58from his
01:05:58unconventional
01:05:59wisdom,
01:06:00to be his
01:06:01friend,
01:06:02and to show
01:06:03him the love
01:06:04that he tried
01:06:05to show me.
01:06:07You have
01:06:07one unheard
01:06:08message.
01:06:09First unheard
01:06:10message.
01:06:11Hey, Will,
01:06:13it's Dad.
01:06:14Listen,
01:06:14they're putting
01:06:15me in the
01:06:15hospital.
01:06:16I'm over
01:06:17at Beth Israel
01:06:18Deaconess,
01:06:19and Kathy
01:06:20has all the
01:06:22information.
01:06:24And I'll talk
01:06:25to you.
01:06:25Hello?
01:06:50Hello?
01:06:53Hello?
01:06:53Hello?
01:06:54Hello?
01:06:55Hello?
01:06:57Hello?
01:06:57Hello?
01:06:57Hello?
01:06:58Hello?
01:06:58Hello?
01:06:59Hello?
01:06:59Hello?
01:07:00Hello?
01:07:01Hello?
01:07:02Hello?
01:07:02Hello?
01:07:03Hello?
01:07:04Hello?
01:07:05Hello?
01:07:06Hello?
01:07:07Hello?
01:07:08Hello?
01:07:09Hello?
01:07:10Hello?
01:07:11Hello?
01:07:12Hello?
01:07:13Hello?
01:07:14Hello?
01:07:15Hello?
01:07:16Hello?
01:07:17Hello?
01:07:18Hello?
01:07:19Hello?
01:07:20Hello?
01:07:21Hello?
01:07:22Hello?
01:07:23Hello?
01:07:24Hello?
01:07:25Hello?
01:07:25Hello?
01:07:25Hello? Hello?
01:07:55And where am I twerp?
01:07:59Under the boardwalk.
01:08:02Under the boardwalk, down by the sea.
01:08:09And there's same grandmother on the boardwalk.
01:08:14A decade after my dad died, I had scoured my earliest memory starting all the way back from the Santa Monica Pier.
01:08:25And I also talked to everyone I could reach that knew him then.
01:08:29I thought I had found everything I was going to.
01:09:02In Groovopolis, Philip eventually discovers that his dad had a secret stash of records that were nothing like Bach.
01:09:12Listening to them made him realize that his dad was more nuanced, groovier maybe, than he thought.
01:09:32He sold the seulement and saved the acetate Fan or Jeddah, let his father talk about him and they are screaming out again, he thought they would stream every year.
01:09:53Patricia Oliver, he was a chief.
01:09:56Happy 38th birthday Dave.
01:10:1038 years old, I made it.
01:10:14California.
01:10:16Nice tower.
01:10:18Time rolled on, and eventually my grandmothers did too.
01:10:36Like everyone I talked to, I still had unanswered questions about my dad.
01:10:44Then, just as we were getting ready to sell my maternal grandmother's farm,
01:10:49the same place where I set that turtle free with my dad when I was a kid,
01:10:54I was given an article about him that was written by his longtime therapist.
01:11:00I wanted to run it by my mom and sister because they love talking to me about him on camera.
01:11:06Maybe she'll come back in after she has a cigarette.
01:11:09Oh my goodness.
01:11:12I don't want to talk about this.
01:11:14Are you wearing sunglasses?
01:11:15Well, they're transition lenses.
01:11:17Okay.
01:11:18It keeps nosy filmmakers at bay.
01:11:22If you were to tell me your questions, I could concise my answer.
01:11:29Yeah.
01:11:31I don't really have questions like that.
01:11:34Okay, good.
01:11:36Proceed.
01:11:38Next.
01:11:39Can I, can I read you something and then ask about it?
01:11:41Yeah, yeah.
01:11:42Okay.
01:11:43So, after dad died, you know, a few years later, and I don't know how she got her hands on this,
01:11:51but Kathy was like, oh, there's this like thing that got published.
01:11:55You might be interested in it.
01:11:56Oh my God.
01:11:57Yeah.
01:11:58Read it to me.
01:11:59Okay.
01:12:00All right.
01:12:01I'll read it to you.
01:12:02So it just says, I think it was, it was published.
01:12:03I'll read it to you.
01:12:04I'll read it to you.
01:12:05I'll read it to you.
01:12:06I'll read it to you.
01:12:07Here's how the article goes.
01:12:09Palliative psychotherapy.
01:12:12After hearing my doubts about whether I had done anything to help a middle-aged, talented,
01:12:17but difficult patient lead even a marginally better life, a trusted colleague said,
01:12:22I think you made his existence a little less lonely and painful.
01:12:27Give me land, not to land, and the starry skies above.
01:12:33Don't fence me here.
01:12:36I don't be doing it.
01:12:37Sort of sends a signal and receives it, like...
01:12:41But, after years of therapy, shouldn't I have catalyzed greater change in a patient's
01:12:47behavior and lifestyle?
01:12:49Perhaps.
01:12:50That's pretty, too.
01:12:51But then I realized that my treatment could be thought of as palliative psychotherapy.
01:12:56You're gonna kill, you're gonna kill!
01:12:58Uh-oh!
01:12:59What's up!
01:13:00That's me!
01:13:01After all, I had provided comfort, if not cure.
01:13:06I had provided some humor and perspective for a life chronically lacking in both.
01:13:13It's a video.
01:13:14It's really easy.
01:13:16What if fundamentally altering his many decades worth of maladaptive coping was beyond my skills,
01:13:23and perhaps anyone's?
01:13:25Despite my hopes and efforts, my patient had not put away childish things and moved beyond
01:13:31erratic work...
01:13:32What kind of an audience did you have?
01:13:35Oh, it was, you know...
01:13:36...and stormy relationships.
01:13:38Okay, Dave, that's...
01:13:41Palliative psychotherapy is for those patients whose unyielding constellation of character
01:13:45problems...
01:13:46Hey, Dave!
01:13:47...feels terminally unmodifiable, yet who continue to seek some form of relief.
01:13:52By stressing acceptance and adaptation, rather than behavior change...
01:13:59Huh?
01:14:00Got your hands in front of the camera, huh?
01:14:01...palliative psychotherapy might offer patients more help in seemingly hopeless situations.
01:14:07Yeah.
01:14:08Yo, uh, what?
01:14:09Nothing.
01:14:10Nothing.
01:14:11That's the voice.
01:14:12Nothing.
01:14:13Alright, let me do this.
01:14:14That's the voice.
01:14:16There it was.
01:14:17A prescription to just be.
01:14:24Well, it's a beautiful time here at the farm, and there's something I thought I'd like
01:14:29to share with the future.
01:14:32If I didn't work harder myself, I wrongly assumed that I would inherit my dad's harder
01:14:38life.
01:14:39In reality, it wasn't really a struggle between working and dancing for him.
01:14:46It was simply a struggle.
01:14:49And it's just beautiful here on the farm.
01:14:53That's the way it looks.
01:14:59And I'm gonna sign off now.
01:15:01Bye.
01:15:07Everybody's dad danced once.
01:15:09Hainsworth.
01:15:10Even yours.
01:15:13It would've been whipped with a strap to it.
01:15:16Because he couldn't dance.
01:15:18Because his dad couldn't dance.
01:15:21Because his dad wanted to, but nobody taught him, and nobody taught his dad.
01:15:25Learning that my dad didn't always have the same options I have, made me acknowledge my
01:15:30own agency.
01:15:31There's no secret algorithm that will optimize my work life data.
01:15:36All there is, is me trying my best to be filled up.
01:15:41I'm running off some of their energy this morning.
01:15:42Okay.
01:15:43I'm running off some of their energy this morning.
01:15:44Okay.
01:15:45Okay.
01:15:46Now we can go.
01:15:47Now we can go.
01:15:48Now we can go.
01:15:49Now we can go.
01:15:50Now we can go.
01:15:51Now we can go.
01:15:52Now we can go.
01:15:53Now we can go.
01:15:54Now we can go.
01:15:55Now we can go.
01:15:56Now we can go.
01:15:57Now we can go.
01:16:02Now we can go.
01:16:03Now we can go.
01:16:04Now we can go.
01:16:09Losing my dad sent me searching for remnants of fatherly advice.
01:16:10Boys, watch out for L.A. women.
01:16:11Now we can go.
01:16:12Now we can go.
01:16:16Now we can go.
01:16:18Now we can go.
01:16:19Now we can go.
01:16:20Now we can go.
01:16:21Now we can go.
01:16:22And we can go.
01:16:23Now we can go.
01:16:28So I said oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
01:16:33No, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
01:16:35Losing my dad sent me searching for remnants of fatherly advice.
01:16:36Boys, watch out for L.A. women.
01:16:39You guys, you made it.
01:16:42what I found was relationships are messy being a parent is hard forgiving one is
01:16:52too and work is not the aim of life well how are you Sarah got a master's in
01:17:00psychology and works in mental health which can come in handy for our family
01:17:04it's so definitely about our dad right jukebox the ghost jesse my younger brother by a minute
01:17:13has made a career in music love the drums thank you sir
01:17:17and all of us are building a relationship with josh
01:17:21here we are on the coney island boardwalk covering a lot of ground today about to get a drink with
01:17:30sarah kristen i'm now about the same age my dad was when he was writing grooveopolis
01:17:40in the script after the tape is destroyed the characters realize that their ability to be free
01:17:46was within them all along i keep dancing i on the other hand had to grieve what my dad was
01:17:52and what he wasn't before i could confront my own challenges i got over my fear that i might mess up
01:17:59my relationships and yeah dad she's jewish and i finally let go of the hustle
01:18:10and became a dad myself
01:18:19now there's something i'd like to share with the future
01:18:21your grandpa taught me that happiness isn't an emotion it isn't a feeling and it isn't a sound
01:18:35it's a possibility and even if you're born with the demons that pull you in the opposite direction
01:18:42you can still find what makes you happiest
01:18:44if you're lucky enough to glimpse it however small it might seem when you first see it
01:18:54in the distance
01:19:04there once was land in this land under starry skies above but they fenced it
01:19:13in now it's interstates and interchanges monoprop and truck stops cause they fenced it in
01:19:22i wish that every golf course became a wma and every politician knew the rent that we pay
01:19:30just to drink ourselves to death and go to jobs that we hate
01:19:34oh to be fencing turn us loose and let us rattle off our chain and lift the pain from our faces
01:19:44and every hour on the clock or in the classroom or a cell could not contain us
01:19:55i just don't see any glory in industrial cattle truckers bodies twist from a life in the saddle
01:20:04is freedom ringing in your ear just a death rattle you won't fence us in
01:20:14so
01:20:19so
01:20:25so
01:20:35I wish ancestral lands
01:21:03Belonged to indigenous people
01:21:05And I didn't have to live
01:21:07In fear of law from the steeple
01:21:10The grievance make you strong
01:21:12Or is it what makes you people?
01:21:15You won't fence us in
01:21:17Though you might try
01:21:18You won't fence us in
01:21:21Ain't you listen?
01:21:22You won't fence us in
01:21:33But I never fue
01:21:41You won't fence us in
01:21:42standers
01:21:42You won't fence us in
01:21:44Where are you in
01:21:45So baaan
01:21:46PLAY
01:21:47There's only ways to
01:21:49www
01:21:50The V elections
01:21:52From 100%
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