- 1 week ago
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00:00:00Transcription by CastingWords
00:00:30CastingWords
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00:02:59only to the left it's a complete breakdown of spermatozoa you mean it's
00:03:04not my fault no no no you passed your fertility test with flying colors you're
00:03:09a baby machine she's a baby machine you're the one he's the one with me with
00:03:12the shortcomings you mean it is something to do with length
00:03:21no you take me she takes me to literally this is a specimen of your
00:03:28own semen go on here you go this is your frozen semen right here now notice how
00:03:35sickly they are they're just swimming around in circles they'll never get
00:03:38anywhere now here on the other hand is a sample of my son's sperm notice how
00:03:45robust they are you see those little suckers swimming yeah well if you go in
00:03:49for that sort of thing it looks like the Olympics doesn't it yeah my son has
00:03:56produced three grandchildren and there's one in the oven maybe maybe you'd like to
00:04:00borrow him
00:04:02oh no not again not here I'll bet that guy has no problem with length
00:04:17here's my boy ah three grandchildren and one on the way what a guy what kind of underwear do you use
00:04:32what does he wear excessively title to wear no not excessively you could lose a few pounds
00:04:38you mean I thought you meant hey hey hey you're right she is a lot of lambs
00:04:45I want you to wear boxer shorts my friend we've got to get you some breathing room
00:04:52breathing room
00:04:54breathing room I gotta write that down
00:04:58jockey and bikinis constrict boxer shorts are your testicles best friends if we want to be friends with our testicles
00:05:05no jockey bikini so it has something to do with temperature exactly the
00:05:10production of sperm occurs best if the temperature of the genitalia sac is less
00:05:15than 95 degrees we have to lower the temperature of your testicles so cold
00:05:19water might help huh yes try ice packs the key word is loose and cool so we all
00:05:29agreed okay see you next time mmm cherry
00:05:34I hate boxer shorts
00:05:39I think I know where I can get some on sale
00:05:41Holy ghost for me I want to re-carry
00:05:43oh oh look at that baby come here
00:05:48come here come here
00:05:52come back here
00:05:56don't you run away from me
00:05:58this is ridiculous
00:06:04I think boxer shorts are sexy
00:06:07you do not
00:06:08well Dr. Beckhart wants you to wear them
00:06:10well Dr. Beckhart and kiss my genital sack where's my jockeys
00:06:12Charlie
00:06:13we're gonna have to start getting serious about this
00:06:18the baby was originally planned for November
00:06:20March
00:06:22April
00:06:23now I can see May slipping away
00:06:25aww
00:06:26my personal organizer's a mess
00:06:28I'm sorry Charlie I know how difficult this must be for you
00:06:33but if we really really work hard at this
00:06:36if we really make an effort to go that extra yard we can have that baby
00:06:40the time is ripe
00:06:42the planets and stars they were lined in perfect continents
00:06:45and they're sending forth their music
00:06:47to hail the coming of a star child
00:06:49the what?
00:06:51the star child
00:06:52oh she's gonna be beautiful Charlie
00:06:54she'll have long golden hair
00:06:56and little pink cheeks
00:06:58and she's gonna sing and dance and write poetry
00:07:00oh god
00:07:02I can't wait
00:07:04not now
00:07:09why not I'm ready to go to the extra yard
00:07:11but I'm not ovulating
00:07:12from now on we have to pick our spots
00:07:14save it for um
00:07:16Thursday
00:07:17you can't afford to be throwing it away
00:07:19oh don't forget to pick up that ice pack
00:07:21oh bunlar
00:07:29oh
00:07:31oh
00:07:47oh
00:07:48oh
00:07:48oh
00:07:49oh
00:07:51Oh.
00:07:52Oh.
00:07:53Oh.
00:07:54Oh.
00:07:55Oh.
00:07:56Oh.
00:07:57Oh.
00:07:58Oh.
00:07:59Oh.
00:08:00Oh.
00:08:01Oh.
00:08:02Oh.
00:08:03Oh.
00:08:04Oh.
00:08:05Oh.
00:08:06Sorry.
00:08:08Sorry.
00:08:09My ice pack slipped.
00:08:18Jimmy.
00:08:20Watch out.
00:08:41Charlie.
00:08:43Oh.
00:08:44Your wife is some fox.
00:08:46Hey.
00:08:47Frank.
00:08:48What?
00:08:49It's true.
00:08:52Is this woman a fox or what?
00:08:54Mm.
00:08:55Mm-hmm.
00:08:56Hey.
00:08:57See?
00:08:59I can't believe you can't get her pregnant.
00:09:03It's a low sperm count.
00:09:05I am doing the best I can.
00:09:07You know, I heard somewhere that your sperm count can be affected by the color of your
00:09:11bedroom carpet.
00:09:12Oh.
00:09:13Come on.
00:09:14Get out of here.
00:09:15No.
00:09:16Seriously.
00:09:17I mean, it's psychological.
00:09:18Some colors just aren't fertile.
00:09:20Oh.
00:09:21I wish I knew the answer.
00:09:23I...
00:09:24Linda really wants this kid, and if she wants something, she wants it.
00:09:29I'm telling you, it's your bedroom carpet.
00:09:30Now, what color is your bedroom carpet?
00:09:34White.
00:09:35Off-white.
00:09:36Off-white.
00:09:37Off-white is sterile, man.
00:09:38You need something in...
00:09:39Earth colors.
00:09:40You know, something fertile.
00:09:42And you and your husband can still
00:09:53get so tired.
00:09:55What if I guess?
00:09:56Whatが?
00:09:58I don't know.
00:09:59I don't know.
00:10:00It's a place.
00:10:01It's a place where we're at.
00:10:02I don't know.
00:10:03It's a place where we're at.
00:10:04It's a place where you're at.
00:10:05I don't know.
00:10:06No, you don't know.
00:10:07I don't know if people are at home.
00:10:08Mom, no.
00:10:09I don't see where I'm at home.
00:10:10I don't need no stinking carpets.
00:10:17Huh?
00:10:20Let's go again.
00:10:25Yeah.
00:10:28Oh, listen.
00:10:31Honey, it's me.
00:10:33Listen, my temperature's right.
00:10:36You gotta make it home tonight right after work.
00:10:39No, I can't, honey. I'm going to the game with Frank.
00:10:42Uh-uh, not anymore.
00:10:57Brilliant. Brilliant.
00:10:59Rip Mallory, genius in his own mind.
00:11:03Hey, if that's for me, I'm not here.
00:11:08Not taking any calls, huh?
00:11:10President's Lounge.
00:11:12Hi, honey. Want a drink?
00:11:14We had an appointment. Do you know what time it is?
00:11:18Wow. Is it that late?
00:11:20No.
00:11:22Are you sure?
00:11:24What's that?
00:11:25No.
00:11:28Ah!
00:11:29Trash!
00:11:32Total unmitigated trash!
00:11:34Oh, dear, dear, dear, dear.
00:11:43Hmm...
00:11:48Well...
00:11:53I'm afraid we may be dealing with an internal complication here.
00:11:57There may be a disturbed endocrine system,
00:11:59perhaps a varicose vein in the spermatic duct.
00:12:02We might need some surgery. We might.
00:12:05But before we do that, we'll take a blood test,
00:12:07and we'll take some tissue from your testicles.
00:12:09You're gonna do what?
00:12:10A testicular biopsy.
00:12:12We simply make a quarter-of-an-inch incision in your scrotum,
00:12:16and we take a little tissue from each of your testicles.
00:12:18It's a very simple procedure.
00:12:19We do a microsurgery on your testicles,
00:12:21and before you know it, my friend, she'll be...
00:12:24Back in the saddle again.
00:12:27He's gone.
00:12:36I can't believe the way you're acting.
00:12:39You're behaving like a child.
00:12:42I don't care, Linda.
00:12:44Nobody's taking any of my tissue.
00:12:46I need all I can get.
00:12:47It's a surgical procedure.
00:12:49It's a knife, Linda.
00:12:51A knife.
00:12:53Now, I've always believed you should keep pointed objects
00:12:55as far away from your testicles as possible.
00:12:58My balls are my friends. I like them.
00:13:00I prefer them in their totality.
00:13:01Well, what about my totality?
00:13:03Don't you understand how much this means to me?
00:13:05Jake.
00:13:18Jake.
00:13:19Jake!
00:13:21Jake!
00:13:23Whoa, whoa, whoa!
00:13:39What are you watching?
00:13:41Big chill.
00:13:43How appropriate.
00:13:45Obviously this isn't working.
00:13:47Maybe time to explore some other options.
00:13:49Well, how about that test tube baby idea?
00:13:51I like that one.
00:13:53I told you, I don't want any part of that.
00:13:55Oh, sure.
00:13:56Because then they'll start poking around inside of you
00:13:59and carrying a piece of you off to the lab.
00:14:01It isn't natural.
00:14:02If I'm gonna have a natural childbirth,
00:14:04I'm gonna have a natural conception, too.
00:14:06A baby should be conceived in an explosion of passion,
00:14:09with sweat and hormones organically, naturally.
00:14:12There's only one natural way I know of,
00:14:14and we're striking out that way.
00:14:17Come on, Linda.
00:14:19Don't let it body.
00:14:21We'll just have to keep trying, that's all.
00:14:25Remember what Dr. Beckhardt said?
00:14:27Miracles can happen.
00:14:29Hmm?
00:14:37This is serious.
00:14:39Maybe I really do have to change the carpets.
00:14:48You know, I've been thinking about giving Cousin Ray a call.
00:14:50Hmm?
00:14:51You know, Ray Burns?
00:14:52He owns that carpet store out in Pomona.
00:14:54So I thought that maybe he'd give us a good price on a new bedroom rug.
00:14:58A rug? Hmm.
00:15:00Hmm.
00:15:01Yeah, I thought maybe it would help.
00:15:02A little change of pace.
00:15:03Something different, you know?
00:15:06Yeah.
00:15:07Charlie, um, I've been thinking to myself.
00:15:09This is just an idea, but, uh, what do you think about a surrogate father?
00:15:15A surrogate father.
00:15:21A what?
00:15:24A surrogate father?
00:15:25Well, fuck me!
00:15:26Wait a minute, wait a minute.
00:15:27I don't think the idea's totally without me.
00:15:28Remember the big chill?
00:15:29Remember the big chill?
00:15:30The single woman wants to have a baby and she can't find her husband,
00:15:32so her best friend loans her her husband sort of like a donor.
00:15:35And the whole thing's about boarding.
00:15:37Well, it turns out to be a real positive thing.
00:15:39And she has the baby?
00:15:40How am I supposed to know? The movie ends before that.
00:15:43Well, how do you know he didn't have all egospermia?
00:15:45Because it's only a movie, Charlie.
00:15:47Exactly, Linda.
00:15:49You just don't want to listen to me.
00:15:50Oh, I'm listening?
00:15:52You want somebody else to be the father of my child, right?
00:15:55Wrong. Wrong.
00:15:56That is the wrong way to look at it.
00:15:57You're still going to be the spiritual father.
00:15:59It's not like you're not going to have any input.
00:16:01Oh, and what kind of input am I going to have?
00:16:03Do I get to coach from the sidelines?
00:16:05Make breakfast for the two of you?
00:16:07Oh, how would you like your eggs? Ovulating?
00:16:09Charlie, I expect you to help me choose the right man.
00:16:12That's what I want.
00:16:13Someone you can relate to.
00:16:15You know what I find incredible, Linda?
00:16:18Not that you're planning on screwing somebody,
00:16:20even that you're telling me about it,
00:16:21or even that you're asking me to help.
00:16:23No, what really kills me is that you expect me
00:16:26to be enthusiastic about it.
00:16:28I'm talking about an impersonal business situation.
00:16:31You're talking about sex, Linda.
00:16:34You are talking about being penetrated by a dick other than my own.
00:16:38That's what you're talking about.
00:16:39All you care about is that somebody might be trespassing
00:16:41on your personal property like you got soul grazing rights.
00:16:44Well, it's not public domain, is it?
00:16:47I didn't have to tell you about this, Charlie.
00:16:49I could have pursued this on my own,
00:16:51but I wanted your participation.
00:16:52I wanted your support.
00:16:53And right away, you turn on me.
00:16:54Do you think I want to go to sleep with a perfect stranger?
00:16:57Do you think I'm looking forward to that experience?
00:17:00Don't you have any faith in me?
00:17:03Look.
00:17:04Look, honey.
00:17:05Honey, Linda.
00:17:06Linda, look.
00:17:07I feel the same way you do about this,
00:17:09but let's face facts.
00:17:11There's no law that says we have to have a baby.
00:17:14Now, there are plenty of marriages without children,
00:17:17and they last 40, 50 years.
00:17:19Yeah, this marriage won't.
00:17:29Maybe she's right.
00:17:31Maybe I'm being too selfish.
00:17:34Maybe I've got to sacrifice myself for our marriage.
00:17:39Oh, man, I don't know.
00:17:44Oh, she's so beautiful.
00:17:46I mean, she's basically faithful.
00:17:49Maybe it won't be so bad after all,
00:17:51just as long as she doesn't like the jerk too much.
00:18:16As for bugs is pregnant.
00:18:18It's so bad.
00:18:19There's no and
00:18:23it's so bad mood right now.
00:18:25Still mad.
00:18:26You know so Shakti wearing a outfit,
00:18:28such a girl that Magda Blake,
00:18:29you'd learn your family's hostage.
00:18:30I got anific aparel into her own life,
00:18:31you know so looked great,
00:18:32that's what you want,
00:18:33like aёр эw...
00:18:33the spiritualITCH project.
00:18:35Please listen to that children's son.
00:18:36You know that's the child of God's dad...
00:18:37You listen to the kids and the kids in her son.
00:18:39You can ask...
00:18:41But when it comes to the own children,
00:18:43the children of her son...
00:18:45You listen to me!
00:19:58So how would we go about finding this business partner?
00:20:02I mean, do we put a personal ad in the paper or what?
00:20:07You're not interested.
00:20:08Of course I'm interested.
00:20:10I mean, if it's the only choice available, I...
00:20:15Well...
00:20:18Well...
00:20:20First of all, it should be someone with a high sperm count and a good track record.
00:20:27But we'll want to maximize the success of a quick strike.
00:20:31How about Dr. Beckhart's son?
00:20:32Ooh, he is a robust sperm.
00:20:35It should be somebody you know and somebody you trust.
00:20:38I don't trust anybody I know.
00:20:40Oh, come on.
00:20:41Hey, how about my brother Jack?
00:20:42Aw.
00:20:43Well, why not?
00:20:44Keep it in the family.
00:20:45After all, the father should be somebody like me.
00:20:48Honey, if we're going to handpick a sperm donor, we might as well go for the best genes available.
00:20:53I want her baby to have every possible advantage.
00:20:55Hey, how about Cousin Ray?
00:20:59Good God!
00:21:01Well, he's bright and if you don't intend on enjoying the experience, well, I can't think of a better man for the job.
00:21:06Be serious, would you?
00:21:08What about one of your friends?
00:21:11Well, don't keep me in suspense, Linda.
00:21:13I mean, I can't pick the right man for you if you don't tell me who he is.
00:21:19Well, how about Gordon Mallory?
00:21:22Gordon Mallory?
00:21:24Who's Gordon Mallory?
00:21:25You know, what do you call him, um, uh, Rip, Rip.
00:21:30Rip Mallory?
00:21:32That nut?
00:21:33He's not a nut.
00:21:34He seems like a very nice man.
00:21:35He's weird.
00:21:36He writes poetry, which he'll recite for you with the drop of a hat.
00:21:39Yeah, yeah, but this is exactly what I'm talking about.
00:21:42He's a writer, so he must be intelligent and bright and funny.
00:21:46He's a nut.
00:21:47Sensitive.
00:21:48Strange.
00:21:48Eccentric.
00:21:50Not dangerous.
00:21:51But he's just not the type of a guy I'd like to bring home to sleep with my wife.
00:21:55It does have five children.
00:21:57Strange, wild children.
00:21:59In some ways, not human.
00:22:01His wife seems very nice.
00:22:03This is not a normal family.
00:22:05Believe me, I've heard stories.
00:22:06Now, there was something about an ear.
00:22:08Five children, Charlie, five.
00:22:11Rip Mallory?
00:22:12Hey, we don't have to say it tonight.
00:22:15Sleep on it.
00:22:21Yep, Mallory.
00:22:23Just think of it, though.
00:22:25Our own baby.
00:22:25Maybe Rip won't accept.
00:22:27Maybe he won't like her.
00:22:29Oh, shit, of course he'll like her.
00:22:32Maybe she won't like him.
00:22:34Oh, shit, of course she'll like him.
00:22:36Fuck me.
00:22:39Yep, fatherhood.
00:22:41It's a great experience.
00:22:43You know, it's turned me into a new man.
00:22:46I mean, you find out what's really important in life, you know?
00:22:50Oh!
00:22:51Oh!
00:22:51Oh!
00:22:52Charlie, check this one out with the hearts, huh?
00:22:56What's the matter, Charlie?
00:22:59What is it?
00:23:00Nothing new with Linda, huh?
00:23:01Well, we should be, uh, finding out something soon.
00:23:05Man.
00:23:06Charlie, look.
00:23:07You know, I've been thinking.
00:23:09You know, listen, if you're still stuck in neutral,
00:23:13you know, why don't you give me a shot at her?
00:23:15I mean, there's nothing wrong with my juice.
00:23:20I'm just kidding, Charlie.
00:23:23I'm just kidding.
00:23:24I'm just kidding.
00:23:31I'm just kidding.
00:24:01Hello.
00:24:24Hi.
00:24:25I'm Charlie Alderson.
00:24:26Well, yes, of course you are.
00:24:29I'm Maureen.
00:24:30Oh, I was doing a little gardening.
00:24:35Well, you have a lovely garden, yeah?
00:24:38Oh, yes.
00:24:39I have a gift for making things grow.
00:24:41You're here to see Gordon.
00:24:42He's just writing an epic poem.
00:24:54Gordon?
00:24:54Huh?
00:24:55Charlie Alderson is here.
00:25:08What does he want?
00:25:11He wants to talk to you.
00:25:15Tell him I'm creating.
00:25:17Tell him he intrudes upon the muse.
00:25:19He, uh, he brought a bottle with him.
00:25:30Hmm.
00:25:36Clear the books off that chair.
00:25:39What is it?
00:25:40Brandy, I hope.
00:25:41Charlie, come.
00:25:54This is a happy surprise.
00:25:55I hope I'm not disturbing you.
00:25:57Let me take that.
00:25:58I was just writing an epic poem.
00:26:00Nothing serious.
00:26:01Sit down.
00:26:01Excuse me.
00:26:03Ah, root beer schnapps.
00:26:08Uh, how's your wife?
00:26:10Linda.
00:26:14He's fine.
00:26:17Anyway, I was just thinking of her the other day.
00:26:19I belong to a meditation group, and we chant regularly for world peace.
00:26:22You cannot hug a child with nuclear arms.
00:26:28Are you through?
00:26:30I thought he came here to speak to me.
00:26:33Actually, yeah, I did.
00:26:34There, there, there.
00:26:35You see?
00:26:36He didn't come here to be assaulted with your bumper sticker mentality.
00:26:39Go on.
00:26:40Go.
00:26:40Hey, go, go, go, go, go.
00:26:41Go on back to your macrame.
00:26:42Leave us in peace.
00:26:43Well, mention it to Linda when you can, and I'll call her someday.
00:26:46So, Rip.
00:26:53Would you like to hear some poetry?
00:26:55Well, um...
00:26:56Pull your chair closer.
00:26:57Enter the circle of intimate thought.
00:27:02Quiet!
00:27:09You're in for a treat, Charlie.
00:27:12I started work on a modern Homeric poem.
00:27:14It's entitled, The Nucleid.
00:27:19Subject matter, annihilation.
00:27:24Nuclear devastation.
00:27:29It's a visionary work, shot through with epiphanies of Blakey and revelations.
00:27:36Shut up!
00:27:43Let's go somewhere quiet.
00:27:44I'd rather not.
00:27:46I, I, I...
00:27:47I really wanted to talk to you in private.
00:28:00Why?
00:28:02It's a delicate matter.
00:28:05There's something I want to ask you.
00:28:07A favor.
00:28:08Well, I tell you, Charlie, I don't like doing people favors.
00:28:13It tends to set a precedent.
00:28:15Well, let me explain.
00:28:18Linda and I, well, we're trying to start a family.
00:28:21A family with children?
00:28:24Yes.
00:28:24There's nothing that I could say that would make you change your mind?
00:28:27Well, she wants to have a star child.
00:28:33Star child, yes.
00:28:36They're very popular lately.
00:28:39Well, I wish you luck, Charlie.
00:28:40Believe me, getting there is most of the fun.
00:28:42Well, that's the thing.
00:28:43It's not all that easy.
00:28:45We've run into some difficulties.
00:28:47Oh, I see.
00:28:49You've come to me for advice.
00:28:50Well, I tell you, Charlie, have a little wine, read some poetry, listen to Barry White records.
00:28:57I have this, this chemical condition.
00:29:00It's called oligospermia.
00:29:05Low sperm count.
00:29:09Words are my business.
00:29:11Anyway, I've done everything I can to compensate.
00:29:14But they want me to have a testicular biopsy.
00:29:17Hmm.
00:29:18Yeah, I feel the same way.
00:29:20But Linda's dead set on having this kid.
00:29:21A clock is running.
00:29:24Well, this is an unfortunate situation, Charlie, but, uh, what can I do?
00:29:28Well, have you ever seen The Big Chill?
00:29:31No.
00:29:31Okay.
00:29:33In The Big Chill, this woman, she's trying to have a baby.
00:29:38And, well, she borrows her husband's best friend.
00:29:48The thing is, we need help.
00:29:52You know, a substitute, a pinch hitter, somebody with a good batting average.
00:29:58Spurum-wise.
00:29:59Uh, you mean...
00:30:02You mean...
00:30:07Let me get this fixed in my mind.
00:30:13You mean you want me to actually...
00:30:17I realize it's a revolutionary idea.
00:30:21It's Homeric!
00:30:24And your wife is willing.
00:30:26Look, you weren't her first choice.
00:30:28I had to put a good word in for you.
00:30:30And you don't mind?
00:30:32I'm delighted.
00:30:34Linda!
00:30:35Ah, she's the one I always see running in the blue spandex.
00:30:38Oh, that's her.
00:30:39Lovely creature.
00:30:40Very supple.
00:30:41I've never had an offer like this before.
00:30:44I supposed we should sign some sort of contract.
00:30:48We weren't going to pay you.
00:30:50Oh, no.
00:30:50I just want to be protected.
00:30:51We're all friends.
00:30:52Then we'll just draw up a friendly sort of agreement.
00:30:57No one else need no.
00:30:58It goes without saying that my wife, Maureen,
00:31:00would be granted the blissful sleep of the ignorant,
00:31:02which has always been her share.
00:31:04Oh, you mean I...
00:31:05You don't think she'd understand?
00:31:06I'm not entirely sure that I understand.
00:31:11Here's to...
00:31:12Here's to...
00:31:17Our child.
00:31:34You didn't put those in yet?
00:31:36It only takes ten minutes.
00:31:38Oh.
00:31:43I don't know why we have to feed him anyway.
00:31:45It's called hospitality, dear.
00:31:47How much more hospitable can we get?
00:31:49Remember, he's doing us the favor.
00:31:52Did you put something in there?
00:31:54Mm-hmm.
00:31:58Oh, what's this?
00:32:00Fried zucchini.
00:32:01Where's the caviar?
00:32:02It's just something to break the tension.
00:32:05I'm not tense.
00:32:06Mm-mm.
00:32:07Neither am I.
00:32:08I gotta go get changed.
00:32:11Don't forget to put the weenies in.
00:32:13He's gonna put the weenie in.
00:32:15Shhh.
00:32:15He'll hear you.
00:32:28Hi, neighbor.
00:32:30Not for me.
00:32:31Would you like a drink?
00:32:46Mm-hmm.
00:32:49Sure.
00:32:49Have a drink.
00:32:50Have my wife.
00:32:51What else do you want?
00:32:52Oh, I brought my full medical report.
00:33:17My doctor says that I have the general constitution of a marathon runner.
00:33:21We'll settle for the hundred-yard dash.
00:33:24Here's a contract.
00:33:25It absolves you from all responsibility, legal, financial, and otherwise.
00:33:30Sign at the bottom.
00:33:48Hello.
00:33:51Hi.
00:34:05I'm Linda.
00:34:08Oh, it's just sampling your dip.
00:34:11Very creamy.
00:34:13Can I talk to you a minute?
00:34:20Excuse us.
00:34:34What is this?
00:34:35This is a negligee.
00:34:36You've seen it before, Charlie.
00:34:38Yes, I've seen it.
00:34:39Why is he seeing it?
00:34:40Because we're going to bed together.
00:34:41That's why.
00:34:42You don't have to advertise the fact, do you?
00:34:44What have you got underneath?
00:34:46The lacy thing.
00:34:47You're wearing the lacy thing for him?
00:34:49Well, it was either this or the black fish or the teddy.
00:34:51I don't want him to think I'm trashy.
00:34:53But I bought that for you for Valentine's Day.
00:34:55It's got the little hearts and the thingies and everything.
00:34:58Well, I'm supposed to be seductive, aren't I?
00:35:00And the idea is to arouse him.
00:35:01This guy's a pro.
00:35:03He doesn't need arousing.
00:35:04Charlie, you're putting this on a personal level.
00:35:06Calm down.
00:35:06I know what I'm doing.
00:35:13Would you like me to run some music?
00:35:16Oh, how lovely.
00:35:20They go with your eyes.
00:35:24Excuse me.
00:35:31She seems a little bit nervous.
00:35:47Well, it's her first time.
00:35:49Maybe we should make this some other night.
00:35:52Okay.
00:35:54Gordon.
00:35:58I'm ready.
00:35:59I guess that's my cue.
00:36:08Thanks again, Charlie.
00:36:29Oh, let me take those out.
00:36:41So, um...
00:36:42Here we are.
00:36:44Yeah.
00:36:45Nice room.
00:36:47Yeah, thanks.
00:36:48Oh, um, why don't you take off your jacket?
00:36:52Relax.
00:36:53Sure.
00:36:53Come on.
00:36:54Uh, just looking for my giant's jacket.
00:37:15It's downstairs.
00:37:15It's downstairs.
00:37:16Please.
00:37:42Charlie.
00:37:44Ray!
00:37:46Heck of a time trying to find you guys.
00:37:48This place is really coming along.
00:37:51Must be nice to have money.
00:37:52Speaking of which, how's Linda?
00:37:54What are you doing here?
00:37:56You told me to stop by any time.
00:37:58I'm not interrupting anything, am I?
00:38:02Hey, this is great.
00:38:04You guys always leave food lying around like this.
00:38:06You're gonna get fat, Charlie.
00:38:11Everything all right in there?
00:38:13Uh, yeah.
00:38:14I'll be right in.
00:38:18Tell me then, Apollo, who from your lofty perch
00:38:21looked down with manner cool upon the massive fire.
00:38:25Here's your milk.
00:38:29Oh, thanks.
00:38:30Yeah.
00:38:31Oh, my stomach is a minefield.
00:38:36Ulcers everywhere.
00:38:39Well, maybe you shouldn't be eating that fried zucchini.
00:38:41Oh, no, vegetables are fine.
00:38:43Now, you want a carpet for the bedroom, right?
00:38:46Yeah.
00:38:47Can I, uh, take a quick look at it?
00:38:48No, it's being used.
00:38:51Linda's sleeping.
00:38:52Oh.
00:38:53Is she sick?
00:38:56No.
00:38:57Yeah.
00:38:58Uh, well, she's a little run down.
00:39:01Oh, yeah.
00:39:14Honey, what's the matter?
00:39:17I can't do this.
00:39:18Well, then, let's just call the whole thing off.
00:39:22Tell me I'm doing the right thing.
00:39:24Tell me I'm acting responsibly.
00:39:28Isn't that right?
00:39:32Oh, shit.
00:39:35Oh, shit.
00:39:36She had a nightmare.
00:39:45Poor kid.
00:39:46Yeah.
00:39:47I like that outfit.
00:39:48The little hearts on it?
00:39:52I should pick one of those up for Dorothy.
00:39:54Oh.
00:39:55Has she lost weight?
00:39:56No.
00:39:58So, you and Linda got a general idea
00:40:00of what you're looking for?
00:40:02Yeah, earth colors.
00:40:06Excuse me.
00:40:22Ah, it's a nice robe you got there.
00:40:25It's yours.
00:40:25She's locked herself in the bathroom,
00:40:27and I can't get her out.
00:40:28Huh?
00:40:29Well, what did you do to her?
00:40:36You must be Cousin Ray.
00:40:55Linda told me that you were down here.
00:40:57Ray, Linda told me that you were down here.
00:41:02I sell carpets.
00:41:05This is all a secret, you know.
00:41:07I hope Charlie explained that to you.
00:41:10Oh, yeah.
00:41:12Do you like poetry?
00:41:22Later.
00:41:27I think she's ready for you.
00:41:33Forget the poems.
00:41:53He's a masseuse.
00:41:55Oh, yeah.
00:41:57Is that guy holding you hostage?
00:41:59No.
00:42:01What the hell is going on here?
00:42:03Have you ever heard of oligospermia?
00:42:09Oh, yeah. That's like ESP.
00:42:11Is there something that you want me to touch?
00:42:17No.
00:42:19No, I can't explain.
00:42:21It's just all coming together for me.
00:42:25I...
00:42:27Okay, look.
00:42:29Pretend that I'm your husband.
00:42:31No. No, that's not gonna work.
00:42:33Pretend that I'm Mel Gibson.
00:42:39Pretend that I'm somebody.
00:42:43I'm never very good at pretending.
00:42:45Then stop pretending.
00:42:49Then stop pretending.
00:42:53Oh!
00:42:55Oh!
00:42:57Oh!
00:42:59Oh!
00:43:01Oh!
00:43:03Oh!
00:43:05Oh!
00:43:06It's your own wife.
00:43:08Your own bathrobe.
00:43:09Charlie, why don't you ask me, huh?
00:43:11I got two kids, you know.
00:43:12Hey.
00:43:13You were under consideration.
00:43:15You know, in fact, I think you were a finalist.
00:43:21Strictly business, huh?
00:43:22Mm-hmm. Strictly.
00:43:23Is she alright?
00:43:25Is she alright?
00:43:26Oh!
00:43:53Oh!
00:43:58What?
00:43:59You screamed.
00:44:00Well, I got a little excited.
00:44:04When's the next appointment?
00:44:06Tonight.
00:44:09We have to take advantage of my ovulation.
00:44:11Oh, I know. I know.
00:44:13Strike while the iron's hot.
00:44:23Charlie.
00:44:33I'm finished.
00:44:42It's my 30.
00:44:44I fell asleep.
00:44:46Charlie.
00:44:47Thanks again.
00:44:53Good catch!
00:44:54Good.
00:44:55Way to go.
00:44:56Oh, guy.
00:44:57Mother, it seems like such a challenge.
00:44:58I really hope I'm up to it.
00:44:59Are you expecting?
00:45:00No.
00:45:01No.
00:45:02No.
00:45:03No.
00:45:04No.
00:45:05No.
00:45:06No.
00:45:07No.
00:45:08No.
00:45:09No.
00:45:10No.
00:45:11No.
00:45:12No.
00:45:13No.
00:45:14No.
00:45:15No.
00:45:16No.
00:45:17No.
00:45:18No.
00:45:19No.
00:45:21No.
00:45:22No.
00:45:23No.
00:45:24I'm trying to pay her.
00:45:25You'll make a wonderful mother.
00:45:26You're so good with clothes.
00:45:30I want to raise a totally normal child.
00:45:33Open, unblocked, untraumatized.
00:45:35You never hit them, do you?
00:45:37No.
00:45:38No.
00:45:39No.
00:45:40No.
00:45:41They're too quick.
00:45:43Hey!
00:45:47Hey!
00:45:48Did you hear me calling you?
00:45:49Gordon.
00:45:50This is Mrs. Alderson, Charlie's wife.
00:45:52Hello.
00:45:54The toilet is running upstairs.
00:45:56How am I supposed to concentrate with the toilet running?
00:45:59Well, I didn't use it.
00:46:00Did you?
00:46:01No.
00:46:02Well, she's been here with me the whole time.
00:46:04Well, somebody must have used it,
00:46:06unless the toilet is flushing itself lately.
00:46:08Gordon, all you have to do is wiggle the little handle.
00:46:10Wiggle?
00:46:11I'm not going to waste my divine energy on toilet handles.
00:46:16I am in the grip of a creative surge.
00:46:20Oh, I'm sorry.
00:46:22I didn't realize.
00:46:25Oh, I'll be right back.
00:46:29Oh, wait, let me get some cookies for the kids.
00:46:33Sorry.
00:46:34Why must my art be held hostage to your kidneys?
00:46:37When will this persecution end?
00:46:47They have to learn about adultery sooner or later.
00:46:50Oh, Gordon, I had to see you.
00:46:53I just got back from the doctor.
00:46:55We struck out.
00:46:57Oh, what a shame.
00:46:59We'll have to try again.
00:47:01And again.
00:47:02And again.
00:47:03Could take months.
00:47:05Uh-oh.
00:47:06Careful, God damn it!
00:47:07Little savages!
00:47:08Oh, God.
00:47:09What are we doing?
00:47:10Are we out of our minds?
00:47:11Are we crazy?
00:47:12I've always been out of my mind.
00:47:13It's never really been a problem for me.
00:47:14How am I going to tell Julie?
00:47:15I promise I wouldn't get involved.
00:47:16Don't tell Charlie anything.
00:47:17He knows what we're doing.
00:47:18Yes, I know.
00:47:19What do you think is all business?
00:47:20Well, let him think that.
00:47:21Every business deal has its perks.
00:47:22Yeah, but I think there's a question of morality here.
00:47:23This is the hand of God at work.
00:47:24He wants us together.
00:47:25You know he does.
00:47:26Two special people destined to create a special child.
00:47:29A star child.
00:47:30I fixed it.
00:47:31There.
00:47:32Gordon, what are you doing?
00:47:33There.
00:47:34Is that better?
00:47:35She has a crick in her neck.
00:47:36Well, that's not gonna help, Gordon.
00:47:37Oh, Gordon.
00:47:38He's not gonna help, Gordon.
00:47:39What do you think is all business?
00:47:40What do you think is all business?
00:47:41Well, let him think that.
00:47:42Every business deal has its perks.
00:47:43Yeah, but I think there's a question of morality here.
00:47:44This is the hand of God at work.
00:47:45He wants us together.
00:47:46You know he does.
00:47:47Two special people destined to create a special child.
00:47:50A star child.
00:47:51I fixed it.
00:47:52There.
00:47:53Gordon, what are you doing?
00:47:54There, there.
00:47:55Is that better?
00:47:56She has a crick in her neck.
00:47:58I'm not going to help, Gordon.
00:47:59Here, sit down.
00:48:01Did you fix the toilet?
00:48:03I just turned the water off for now.
00:48:05Oh, that's brilliant.
00:48:06Suppose I have to use the toilet.
00:48:09Is there never any consideration for me?
00:48:12I hope he didn't insult you while I was gone.
00:48:14Now, hold on.
00:48:15Now, don't move.
00:48:16Ah, ah, ah, ah.
00:48:19Ah, ah, that's better.
00:48:21That's better.
00:48:22Yes, thank you.
00:48:23Really?
00:48:23Yes.
00:48:24Oh, I learned that in my holistic medicine class.
00:48:27Yes, my hands have healing properties.
00:48:32Oh, oh, sorry.
00:48:34Hey, watch it!
00:48:36They're so cute.
00:48:38Uh, what made you have five kids anyway?
00:48:40Did you plan it?
00:48:42Oh, no, no.
00:48:43They just came like the flowers in May.
00:48:45You know, Gordon does believe in contraception, you see.
00:48:47He finds it symbolically distasteful.
00:48:51So there's no telling how many kids you might wind up with, huh?
00:48:53Oh, no, we're finished.
00:48:55Oh, so you can't?
00:48:57Oh, I can.
00:48:59Now the doctor says I'm a regular baby machine.
00:49:01Oh, so you don't?
00:49:03Of course we do.
00:49:05Gordon would rather stop breathing.
00:49:07Well, then how do you know you...
00:49:08Gordon had himself taken care of.
00:49:11A vasectomy.
00:49:12Oh, did that go up inside your nose?
00:49:15What's that?
00:49:16A vasectomy?
00:49:17Yeah, you know, it's that, um, where they snicked a little tube that goes from the thingamabobs up to the thingamajig.
00:49:23Ah, Gordon can explain it much better than I can.
00:49:25You should ask him sometime.
00:49:28A vasectomy.
00:49:28Hey, Linda.
00:49:38Hi.
00:49:40Charlie home?
00:49:41Um, no.
00:49:42Good.
00:49:43Good to see you.
00:49:46Um.
00:49:49Just thought I'd stop by and take another measurement for that carpet.
00:49:52You mind?
00:49:54Just want to make sure the fit is right.
00:49:55Well, that's how you build a business.
00:49:59You gotta have something to pass on to your kids.
00:50:08Ray?
00:50:20Hey, what happened to the treat part?
00:50:25Nice ass.
00:50:33Ah!
00:50:34You scared me!
00:50:41Oh, here you are.
00:50:43Gordon would have a fit seeing you sitting at his desk.
00:50:46It's a sacred territory, you know.
00:50:48I just wanted to see how the world looked through the eyes of a genius.
00:50:51Not much different.
00:50:53Thanks.
00:50:53Where is Gordon?
00:50:58Out prowling the cemeteries, looking for inspiration?
00:51:01No, he said he was going over to your house.
00:51:03Oh, right.
00:51:04Oh, gee, I forgot.
00:51:06I must have just missed him.
00:51:08You don't have to cover for him, Charlie.
00:51:10I know what's going on.
00:51:12You do?
00:51:14Gordon's in love again.
00:51:16What do you mean again?
00:51:17He's always falling in love.
00:51:18He's a poet.
00:51:21I found some of this billet due.
00:51:24His what?
00:51:25His love letters.
00:51:27He hides them here behind Thomas Hardy.
00:51:30It's the one place I always look.
00:51:31They're poems, actually, and they're not very good.
00:51:36Now are we free to let our passions wander while he walks off his seedless state to ponder.
00:51:48He always writes that corny mush when he's having an affair.
00:51:56In token thus, I bend with feverish lips to kiss the hearts that dance upon your hips.
00:52:07He always writes that corny mush when he's having an affair.
00:52:11You have any idea who the woman is?
00:52:12Probably some bubble-headed co-ed from one of his classes.
00:52:16It doesn't bother you.
00:52:17There are so many things to be worried about, Charlie.
00:52:21The greenhouse effect, oil spills, garbage in space.
00:52:25There's no cheese in Thailand.
00:52:27Oh, he's just being true to his nature.
00:52:29I can't argue with that.
00:52:31It's just human nature.
00:52:33Well, you're human, too, aren't you?
00:52:36I mean, of course you are.
00:52:39It's just human nature to want a little revenge.
00:52:42Oh, I get my revenge in little ways.
00:52:45I erase his favorite videotapes.
00:52:48It drives him crazy.
00:52:52Well, there's revenge.
00:52:54And there's revenge.
00:52:57Now, I know if it were me, I...
00:52:59What should I do?
00:53:06Have an affair of my own?
00:53:10Now, where would I find the energy?
00:53:12Besides, who in the whole world
00:53:15would want to run around with someone like me?
00:53:22Would you?
00:53:24Oh!
00:53:25Oh!
00:53:26Oh!
00:53:26Oh!
00:53:26Oh!
00:53:26Oh!
00:53:27Oh!
00:53:27Oh!
00:53:28Oh!
00:53:28Oh!
00:53:29Oh!
00:53:30Oh!
00:53:31Oh!
00:53:32Oh!
00:53:33Oh!
00:53:34Oh!
00:53:35Oh!
00:53:36Oh!
00:53:37Oh!
00:53:38Oh!
00:53:39Oh!
00:53:40Oh!
00:53:41Oh!
00:53:42Oh!
00:53:47Look, uh, I've been thinking.
00:53:52I know I've been fighting on this whole thing so far,
00:53:55and I haven't been exactly supportive,
00:53:57but, well, it's like you said, we're both adults,
00:54:00and, uh, look, I just want you to know that I'm behind you 100%.
00:54:06Thanks, honey.
00:54:07Let's go upstairs.
00:54:09Well?
00:54:10Yeah.
00:54:11Light some candles, put on some music, tear off our clothes, and scream until after shit.
00:54:19Honey, honey, I... Gordon's coming over.
00:54:22Tonight?
00:54:23This...
00:54:24This isn't Gordon's night.
00:54:25It...
00:54:26This isn't even Gordon's week.
00:54:27I know, I know, but you know I have to go to Oakland tomorrow for that trade show, and...
00:54:32It's the only time I could squeeze him in.
00:54:35But aren't you in a low fertility cycle?
00:54:38I'm on the cusp.
00:54:39Yeah, but...
00:54:40You know I want to spend the night with you, but...
00:54:42We have to put business before pleasure.
00:54:45What am I supposed to do?
00:54:47Take another walk, go to another movie, and...
00:54:49Well, the library's open late tonight.
00:54:51The library?
00:54:52Ronnie, he doesn't want you in the house, and he is doing us a favor.
00:54:59You ever think that maybe we're priming the wrong pump here, that maybe the well has gone
00:55:03dry?
00:55:04Charlie, doing the best I can.
00:55:22What are you doing?
00:55:33Writing.
00:55:34Aren't you supposed to be at my house?
00:55:38I am?
00:55:39Well, that's what Linda told me.
00:55:43Oh.
00:55:44Well, then...
00:55:47I'll just...
00:55:49Go there.
00:55:51Hmm.
00:55:52Strange.
00:55:53Nah, couldn't it be?
00:55:54His wife is way too beautiful.
00:55:55Sexy.
00:55:56Oh, Lord.
00:55:57Roddick.
00:55:58Come on.
00:55:59Oh.
00:56:00Oh.
00:56:01Oh.
00:56:02Oh.
00:56:03Oh.
00:56:04Oh.
00:56:05Oh.
00:56:06Oh.
00:56:07Oh.
00:56:08Oh.
00:56:09Oh.
00:56:10Oh.
00:56:11Oh.
00:56:12Oh.
00:56:13Oh.
00:56:14Oh.
00:56:15Oh.
00:56:16Oh.
00:56:17Oh.
00:56:18Oh.
00:56:19Oh.
00:56:20Oh.
00:56:21Oh.
00:56:22Oh.
00:56:23Oh.
00:56:24Oh.
00:56:25Oh.
00:56:26Oh.
00:56:27Oh.
00:56:28Oh.
00:56:29Oh.
00:56:30Oh.
00:56:31Oh.
00:56:32Oh.
00:56:33Oh.
00:56:34Oh.
00:56:35Oh.
00:56:36Oh.
00:56:37Oh.
00:56:38Oh.
00:56:39Oh.
00:56:40Oh.
00:56:41Oh.
00:56:42Oh.
00:56:43Oh.
00:56:44Oh.
00:56:45Oh.
00:56:46Oh.
00:56:47Oh.
00:56:48Anyway, $40 a square yard, wall to wall.
00:56:59Yeah, I could tell you carpet stories you wouldn't believe.
00:57:01Are you ready to get started?
00:57:03Yeah, yeah, just gotta get my socks off.
00:57:06Charlie may be home early. He was in a funny mood tonight.
00:57:09I don't see why we don't tell Charlie about this.
00:57:11Make things a lot simpler.
00:57:12Yeah, he'd kill both of us.
00:57:14Oh, no, I don't think so.
00:57:15I mean, Charlie's very fond of me, and all my tubes are intact.
00:57:18I still say you should put this other guy to Consumer Affairs or something.
00:57:22I mean, he did sign a contract.
00:57:23Can we get started?
00:57:25Oh, yeah.
00:57:34How come you never wear that little thing with the hearts on it for me?
00:57:38A little inspiration would be helpful.
00:57:39Hello?
00:57:54Charlie?
00:57:55It's Gordon.
00:57:56Who?
00:57:57He's coming up.
00:57:58Hide.
00:57:59Hide.
00:57:59Hide.
00:58:00No, no.
00:58:00Hide.
00:58:01Closet.
00:58:01Closet.
00:58:02Gordon.
00:58:11Gordon.
00:58:16Gordon.
00:58:17What are you doing here?
00:58:19This isn't your night.
00:58:20That's what I thought.
00:58:21But I just saw Charlie down at the lounge, and he said you were waiting for me.
00:58:24No, he must have misunderstood.
00:58:26I'm still on a low fertility cycle.
00:58:28Oh, well, mistakes can happen, but since I'm already here, look.
00:58:33Whipped cream.
00:58:35No, no, no.
00:58:36I've got to get some sleep.
00:58:37I have to be at Oakland in the morning.
00:58:38Oakland is a perfect place to get some sleep.
00:58:41Wait a minute.
00:58:54Wait a minute.
00:58:55Why are you so anxious to get rid of me?
00:58:57Because I'm tired.
00:58:59Tired?
00:59:00You're always tired lately.
00:59:02Yeah, well, I've been working too hard.
00:59:04At what?
00:59:05Certainly not me.
00:59:06Last few weeks, you've been rather unmotivated, I would say.
00:59:11And secretive.
00:59:14Yeah, well, what about you?
00:59:15You have your secrets, don't you?
00:59:16Me?
00:59:18My life is an open book where all may come and browse.
00:59:21Well, isn't there something you feel you should tell me?
00:59:22Some little footnote you forgot to mention.
00:59:25Something you might be hiding.
00:59:27We all have something to hide, I'm sure.
00:59:29What are you hiding in there?
00:59:31I can't.
00:59:32Not tonight.
00:59:34All right.
00:59:36Have your silly little female pout.
00:59:38I'll see you in a week when you get back.
00:59:39Maybe you will.
00:59:40Maybe you won't.
00:59:53See you next week.
01:00:04I thought he was out of the picture.
01:00:05You didn't tell Charlie?
01:00:14It's very complicated.
01:00:16I see.
01:00:17Don't rush off.
01:00:18He's gone.
01:00:19Hey, I don't like this at all.
01:00:21I mean, I thought this was just about having a baby.
01:00:23I don't want to get involved in any love triangle or rectangle or whatever it is.
01:00:28Besides, doesn't he know that you know about his condition?
01:00:30No, I wanted him to tell me.
01:00:33Why?
01:00:33Because if he knew that I knew, then this would be an affair instead of an agreement.
01:00:37It is an affair.
01:00:38It is not an affair.
01:00:40I don't think about him that way.
01:00:42I just need a little time to get out of this thing gracefully.
01:00:45That's all.
01:00:46Well, I think there's a little bit more to it than that, Linda.
01:00:49And it's spelled S-E-X.
01:00:51No, it's not.
01:00:54And if I stop seeing Gordon, how am I going to explain the baby to Charlie?
01:00:57What?
01:00:59But that doesn't change the fact that you're still both cheating on him.
01:01:02Yes, it does.
01:01:03Charlie knows we're sleeping together, so how can you call that cheating?
01:01:07It's you.
01:01:08You're the one he doesn't know about.
01:01:09Yeah, but you're not interested in me.
01:01:12Well, I never said that.
01:01:16Well, I sort of like you, too, Linda.
01:01:18No, look, I'm sorry.
01:01:21This is not good.
01:01:23I've got to tell Charlie.
01:01:23Make a clean breast of it.
01:01:26You tell Charlie.
01:01:28I tell Dorothy.
01:01:37Off to the library.
01:01:39See you later.
01:01:45Hi, neighbor.
01:01:48Ta-da!
01:01:56Clothes with no arms.
01:01:59Get it?
01:02:00Disarmament?
01:02:03It's an idea I had to raise a social political consciousness of high fashion.
01:02:08While raising money for mothers for a good earth.
01:02:12I'm ready to make my first contribution.
01:02:14Think it's a good idea?
01:02:16Yeah.
01:02:17We want to strip the world of all nuclear weapons.
01:02:21Remember when we met, it was a night we won't regret.
01:02:41What's your name?
01:02:43Or are you feeling ashamed?
01:02:45How did it happen?
01:02:47You set my heart into a spin.
01:02:49What's your name?
01:02:51What's your name?
01:02:51Or are you feeling ashamed?
01:02:54I am...
01:02:55You weren't home when I called you.
01:03:01What am I supposed to do?
01:03:02What am I supposed to do?
01:03:05I am so in love with you.
01:03:07But you weren't home when I called you.
01:03:14Do you want me?
01:03:16Do you want me?
01:03:18Was one night plenty?
01:03:20Do you still want me?
01:03:23Do you want me?
01:03:24Remember when you promised to be with me another day?
01:03:40Did you change your mind?
01:03:42Are you no longer kind?
01:03:43I thought that we were right, we never will forget that night.
01:03:48What's your name?
01:03:49What's your name?
01:03:50Or are you feeling pain?
01:03:53Are you?
01:03:54Do you want me?
01:04:04Do you want me?
01:04:06Was one night plenty?
01:04:08Do you still want me?
01:04:11Do you want me?
01:04:13Do you want me?
01:04:15Was one night plenty?
01:04:17Do you still want me?
01:04:20What's your name?
01:04:22I want you
01:04:26Yes
01:04:31Do you want me?
01:04:38Do you want me?
01:04:40Was one night plenty?
01:04:42Do you still want me?
01:04:45Do you still want me?
01:04:48Do you still want me?
01:04:55I want you
01:04:56I haven't done the missionary position in years
01:05:05Isn't it great?
01:05:06Oh, yes
01:05:07Hello?
01:05:14Hi, honey
01:05:15Hi, Julie
01:05:16How you doing?
01:05:18Oh, the usual
01:05:20What's happening with you?
01:05:22Oh, just hanging out
01:05:24Look, you just go ahead and take your time
01:05:26Find something to keep me busy
01:05:29Yeah?
01:05:31Okay, bye
01:05:33Ow!
01:05:40Ow!
01:05:42Doc, I wanted to ask you
01:05:44If I increase my sexual activity
01:05:46Will that help my sperm count?
01:05:48In the medical profession
01:05:49We have an expression
01:05:50There is more than one way to skin a cat
01:05:53In cases like yours
01:05:55We have often found that success
01:05:56Can be achieved by positive thinking
01:05:59Mind over matter
01:06:01Mind over matter, huh?
01:06:03Yes
01:06:04What is the most important sex organ in a man?
01:06:09Well, I...
01:06:10The mind
01:06:11The mind?
01:06:12The mind
01:06:12The mind can rob you of a good time's sleep
01:06:15An erection, an orgasm
01:06:17Worrying is like a killer
01:06:18You cannot afford the luxury of a negative thought
01:06:21I want you to indulge yourself in your sexual fantasies
01:06:24Go wild
01:06:25And I want you to try these positions
01:06:28Here's an entire book of sexual positions
01:06:32It helped me and the missus very much
01:06:35Whoa
01:06:37Look at these pictures
01:06:38Why should the illiterate suffer?
01:06:42Take this book
01:06:43Go home
01:06:44Don't make babies
01:06:45Make love
01:06:47Go enjoy yourself
01:06:49Avoid page 52
01:06:51It caused welts
01:06:52My wife is still limping
01:06:53Great
01:07:00Charlie
01:07:00If you want to feel alright
01:07:10Grab your girl and hold on tight
01:07:13Love her morning, noon and night
01:07:16It's what the doctor says
01:07:18North of town, east of west
01:07:21Any which way it feels the best
01:07:24Time to put it to the test
01:07:27We're doing what the doctor says
01:07:29Yeah, we're doing what the doctor says
01:07:33We're doing what the doctor says
01:07:35Yeah, we're doing what the doctor says
01:07:38We're doing what the doctor says
01:07:41When you feel the fever rise
01:07:44And you start to fantasize
01:07:47Time to get some exercise
01:07:50We're doing what the doctor says
01:07:53Even when the sun don't shine
01:07:56Everybody feel it fine
01:07:59Show me yours, I'll show you mine
01:08:01We're doing what the doctor says
01:08:04Yeah, we're doing what the doctor says
01:08:07Doing what the doctor says
01:08:10We're doing what the doctor says
01:08:13Do it what the doctor says
01:08:15Get down
01:08:16Get it up
01:08:19Get it on
01:08:22Get crazy
01:08:25Open wide
01:08:28Stick out your tongue
01:08:31Say ah
01:08:33Do it what the doctor says
01:08:38You can really have a go
01:08:41Throw your socks against the wall
01:08:44Lower your cholesterol
01:08:46That's what the doctor says
01:08:49When you're giving me what you got
01:08:52Ooh, it really hits the spot
01:08:55Got to get me another shot
01:08:58Doing what the doctor says
01:09:01And we're doing what the doctor says
01:09:04Doing what the doctor says
01:09:06Yeah, we're doing what the doctor says
01:09:10Doing what the doctor says
01:09:12Baby, baby, you're so sweet
01:09:15From your head down to your feet
01:09:18Girl, you're good enough to eat
01:09:21Doing what the doctor says
01:09:24Added your meal and an in-between
01:09:26Baby, you can't whip my cream
01:09:30Living out our wildest dreams
01:09:32Doing what the doctor says
01:09:35And we're doing what the doctor says
01:09:38Doing what the doctor says
01:09:41Yeah, we're doing what the doctor says
01:09:44Doing what the doctor says
01:09:46Come in
01:09:47Come out
01:09:50Come on, get it
01:09:53Come on over
01:09:56Come on, come on
01:09:58Come on down
01:09:58Come on down
01:09:59All around the world
01:10:02Come on, come on
01:10:05We're doing what the doctor says
01:10:09Yeah, we're doing what the doctor says
01:10:12We're doing what the doctor says
01:10:15Oh, we're doing what the doctor says.
01:10:18We're doing what the doctor says.
01:10:21Keep doing it.
01:10:24Keep on doing it.
01:10:27Keep doing it.
01:10:30We're doing what the doctor says.
01:10:34Bring it. Charlie.
01:10:45Need a hand with that?
01:10:48Nah, no one allowed his way up there.
01:10:52Hey, get off the furniture. Excuse me.
01:10:57Hello. Merry Christmas.
01:10:59Come on in.
01:11:06Your guests are arriving.
01:11:08Who cares? I didn't invite them.
01:11:10Well, I think you really ought to greet them after all.
01:11:13You are the master of the house.
01:11:16If only it were so.
01:11:21Those bells.
01:11:23Christmas is the season of peace.
01:11:27That's all I want. Peace!
01:11:29Gordon, there's something I have to do.
01:11:31Linda, could you do me a favor?
01:11:33Could you wash the door? I've got to go to the bathroom again.
01:11:35Sure. Sure. Thank you.
01:11:38God, she's a nervous wreck tonight.
01:11:40That's the fifth time she's been to the bathroom already.
01:11:42She must be hitting the eggnog heavily.
01:11:44Listen, Gordon, I...
01:11:46What rhymes with hernia?
01:11:48Gordon.
01:11:50Those bells!
01:11:52Those bells!
01:11:54Someone must stop those bells.
01:11:58I'll talk to you later.
01:11:59Hi.
01:12:00You look very cute tonight.
01:12:01Thanks.
01:12:02It's the new one you bought me.
01:12:03Oh, no, no, no.
01:12:04So, where have you been?
01:12:05I've been working overtime.
01:12:06Are you playing host now, too?
01:12:07Mm-hmm.
01:12:08I've got something I want to talk to you about.
01:12:09It's important.
01:12:10Good important.
01:12:11Hi.
01:12:12Great.
01:12:13Prism.
01:12:14Oh.
01:12:15Charlie?
01:12:16What rhymes with hernia?
01:12:18Oligospermia.
01:12:19Merry Christmas, Gordon.
01:12:20What rhymes with hernia?
01:12:24Oligospermia.
01:12:25Merry Christmas, Gordon.
01:12:26Yeah.
01:12:27That's...
01:12:29This is quite a role reversal, isn't it?
01:12:30Usually, you are visiting my house.
01:12:31Say.
01:12:32How's the experiment going?
01:12:33Heading into the fifth month, I believe.
01:12:34I don't know.
01:12:35Uh...
01:12:36What's a different thing?
01:12:37What's the difference?
01:12:38Christmas.
01:12:39Oh.
01:12:40Yeah.
01:12:41So, what's it?
01:12:42Oh.
01:12:43Good morning.
01:12:44Good morning.
01:12:45Good morning.
01:12:46Good morning.
01:12:47I'm back.
01:12:48Good morning.
01:12:49Good morning.
01:12:50Hi.
01:12:51Good morning.
01:12:52Good morning.
01:12:54Good morning.
01:12:55Good morning.
01:12:56Good morning.
01:12:57Good morning.
01:12:58Good morning.
01:12:59Good morning.
01:13:00what's causing the delay all i can urge is perseverance ah no rush rome wasn't built in a
01:13:07day quite right so tell me how's maureen handling the situation does she suspect anything completely
01:13:14wrapped up in her own affairs i imagine she is looks like you're gonna have a good turnout
01:13:22i hate parties with people in mind oligospermia oligospermia
01:13:39merry christmas i'm pregnant
01:13:48i found out this morning i'm well into the second month which means that it happened somewhere
01:13:52between halloween and thanksgiving well congratulations
01:14:15what are you doing abandoning a pregnant woman oh you have gordon everyone has gordon
01:14:20it's not gordon's baby well whose is it what do you mean whose is it it's yours
01:14:28no no no no no no no this is gordon's baby that's all there is to that you think i'm lying oh i have
01:14:35no doubt that you're pregnant it seems to be the house specialty around here but it has nothing to
01:14:39do with me this is not gordon's baby he had a vasectomy
01:14:44a what a vasectomy it's where they cut the whatchamacallit that goes to the thingamabob i know what a
01:14:54vasectomy is so you see it's your baby charlie question is what are we gonna do
01:15:02so you think gordon and linda should be involved well they're a lot more involved than you think maureen
01:15:11your guru is here oh oh
01:15:20charlie
01:15:22i'm pregnant you who else must have been about i don't know around halloween or something you see
01:15:30a little patience i knew gordon would come through for us come here give me a can you feel her have you
01:15:36told gordon yet no oh i bet he'll be surprised why is he to be surprised because you don't see too
01:15:44many women getting knocked up by a guy who's had a vasectomy i am really impressed what you know where
01:15:50they cut the fuel line to the thingamabob but that means that he that he's been deceiving me taking
01:15:56advantage of me using me and he seemed like such a nice man oh i don't even want to think about it
01:16:02well then think about this if it's not gordon's baby whose is it uh it's mine of course of course
01:16:18it's yours now if you had listened to me we could have avoided all this disgusting business oh baby oh
01:16:31what a fool i've been um now come on over here little mother
01:16:41rest your little feet and i'm gonna go find little gordon and kill him oh this will do
01:17:00do you see gordon no
01:17:05linda i have to talk to you how about you do you see gordon um no
01:17:10what are you doing here i had to see you i went in that motel yesterday for two hours and now today you
01:17:33don't return any of my calls you make me feel unwanted you are unwanted get out of here linda
01:17:39don't toy with me like this i am not toying i'm pregnant we're having a baby
01:17:45so charlie's in the house i knew we could do it well we did it it's done our businesses can
01:17:52include now go away go away i'm not going to desert you now and i think it's time that charlie knew the
01:17:57truth about us what truth there is no truth we were pretending i've been a carpet salesman for many
01:18:02years and i know the genuine article when i see it all right what about those screams huh dorothy never
01:18:07screamed like that i always scream it's a nervous reaction no no no it's the call of the wild huh
01:18:12huh i feel it too i wake up in the morning and i'm like a teenager again get a rub on yourself
01:18:19i have no interest in you you can't reason with me i'm an animal jungle fever is raging in my blood
01:18:26it is over can't you be satisfied with the job little don have pity on me linda i'm a man who's
01:18:33never known passion his whole life oh oh
01:18:48gordon hello gordon this is my meditation spot
01:18:53Oh, my.
01:18:58You idiot.
01:19:00Come on.
01:19:02Let's go give out some presents.
01:19:10I hope I didn't embarrass you.
01:19:11Oh.
01:19:16Boyden?
01:19:18Boyden.
01:19:19I want your bed.
01:19:20Boyden, I have to talk to you.
01:19:22Christmas parties bring out the ugliest women in town,
01:19:24don't you think?
01:19:27We have to talk.
01:19:29Yes.
01:19:30Let's talk.
01:19:31I'm pregnant.
01:19:32You are?
01:19:34Well, good for you.
01:19:35That's your reaction?
01:19:36Well, you don't expect me to be surprised, do you?
01:19:38After all, getting pregnant was the main objective,
01:19:42as I recall.
01:19:43Your duplicity is staring you right in the face
01:19:45and you don't even blink.
01:19:46Duplicity?
01:19:47How was I duplicitous?
01:19:48I told you about my genius.
01:19:49I told you about my lack of principles.
01:19:51I told you about my love.
01:19:52A love capacious enough to embrace the whole whirling galaxy.
01:19:56But did you tell me about your vasectomy?
01:19:57No, I didn't.
01:19:58Did you tell me your thingam-bob was some dry dock?
01:20:00No.
01:20:01I'll have to admit.
01:20:02You'll have to admit.
01:20:03You'll have to admit you led me on.
01:20:04All that bullshit about star children and destiny
01:20:06and flowers that matched my eyes.
01:20:08You exploited my natural urge
01:20:09just so you could sleep with me, didn't you?
01:20:11Well, that's one way of looking at it.
01:20:13But believe me, there are extenuating circumstances.
01:20:16Well, then extenuate for us by all means.
01:20:20Charlie!
01:20:20Charlie!
01:20:21You have a rather murderous glint in your eye.
01:20:23I hope that doesn't presage the acting out of irrational impulses.
01:20:27I've always prided myself on being fair and open-minded.
01:20:31And I'm sure you have good, solid reasons for not telling us about your vasectomy.
01:20:36I'm all ears.
01:20:38To be perfectly honest, the reason I didn't tell you was
01:20:41because I didn't think that you would find out about it.
01:20:43Bad answer.
01:20:45Charlie!
01:20:46Charlie!
01:20:46Wait!
01:20:47Try to see it from my standpoint.
01:20:48You have a beautiful wife.
01:20:49A lovely, voluptuous, ravishing pearl.
01:20:52And you offered to me on a silver platter.
01:20:54Now, suppose I offered you my wife.
01:20:56What would you have done?
01:20:57Don't change the subject.
01:20:58The subject is, I'm gonna kill you.
01:21:00Charlie!
01:21:01Charlie!
01:21:02Violence is never a civilized alternative.
01:21:03Get your slimy hands off my wife!
01:21:05Christ!
01:21:06Charlie!
01:21:07Just because!
01:21:08I am a poet!
01:21:09Doesn't mean that you can push me around.
01:21:12Oh!
01:21:13Charlie!
01:21:14For God's sakes, Charlie!
01:21:25Hi, Charlie.
01:21:26Oh, Senator, forgot to marvel.
01:21:29There's no names.
01:21:31You're gonna need a lawyer.
01:21:32You broke your contract.
01:21:33I got her pregnant, didn't I?
01:21:34You got her pregnant?
01:21:35Ha!
01:21:36Ha!
01:21:37I got her pregnant!
01:21:38Could I say something?
01:21:39You!
01:21:40Shut up!
01:21:41Oh!
01:21:42You!
01:21:43You!
01:21:44An admitted oligospermiac.
01:21:45Don't make me laugh.
01:21:46It only takes one, pal.
01:21:47I may not have much juice, but at least I'm still hooked up to the generator.
01:21:54He's got a point, Gordon.
01:21:55Pay no attention to his cretinous arguments.
01:21:56What does your heart say?
01:21:57What does your womb say?
01:21:58You know I'm the father.
01:21:59I'm the father.
01:22:00I'm the father.
01:22:01Actually, I'm the father.
01:22:02Oh!
01:22:03Santa doesn't have any more presents.
01:22:06What is wrong with you?
01:22:07She's overcome.
01:22:08I'm pregnant.
01:22:09What?
01:22:10Again?
01:22:11What do you mean you're pregnant?
01:22:12I thought you said you had a vasectomy.
01:22:13Gordon's not the father.
01:22:14What do you mean you're pregnant?
01:22:15I thought you said you had a vasectomy.
01:22:16Oh!
01:22:17Gordon's not the father.
01:22:18What do you mean you're pregnant?
01:22:19I thought you said you had a vasectomy.
01:22:20I can't believe it.
01:22:21You and me are my father.
01:22:23I'm the father.
01:22:24What's wrong with you?
01:22:25I've got a presence.
01:22:26What is wrong with you?
01:22:27She's overcome.
01:22:28I'm pregnant.
01:22:29What?
01:22:30What?
01:22:31Again?
01:22:33What do you mean you're pregnant?
01:22:34I thought you said you had a vasectomy.
01:22:37Oh!
01:22:39Gordon's not the father.
01:22:44What did you expect me to spend every night at the library?
01:22:47I can't believe it.
01:22:49You and Maureen.
01:22:50Well, what about you and Gordon?
01:22:52You gonna pretend that was business?
01:22:54Gordon?
01:22:56That's right.
01:22:58And there's the other woman, the bubble-headed co-ed.
01:23:02The heart's dancing on her hips.
01:23:06And here's the evidence.
01:23:08The incriminating Billy-Doo.
01:23:10Don't be silly. These are poems of friendship.
01:23:13Well, naturally, when you sleep with someone for four months,
01:23:16it was bound to be some kind of a platonic relationship.
01:23:19Four months.
01:23:20It was just a business relationship.
01:23:22Obviously, if I had known about his vasectomy,
01:23:24I wouldn't have let him near me.
01:23:25But I told you he had a vasectomy three months ago.
01:23:28Three months and four days.
01:23:30Was it that long?
01:23:31You knew?
01:23:33You knew? Oh, yeah.
01:23:34I was never sure.
01:23:35And while you were sipping my tea,
01:23:37you were sleeping with my husband.
01:23:38You were sleeping with my husband.
01:23:40But that was for revenge.
01:23:42You were supposed to be trying to have a baby.
01:23:44You were lying.
01:23:45No, she wasn't.
01:23:46Ray, I'd really rather you...
01:23:47No.
01:23:48Let's get this out in the open.
01:23:50I'm not gonna stand here and see your character besmirched.
01:23:52This brave and wonderful woman had but one dream in her whole life.
01:23:56To have a baby.
01:23:57Now, is that so wrong?
01:23:58And I am proud to say that she turned to me.
01:24:00I was her provider.
01:24:02You've been screwing Ray.
01:24:04It was your idea.
01:24:06Oh, the one time she listens to me.
01:24:08Well, wait a minute.
01:24:10Let's look at the situation objectively.
01:24:13I've been sleeping with Linda.
01:24:15You've been sleeping with Maureen.
01:24:17Linda's been sleeping with Ralph.
01:24:19Ray.
01:24:20Linda claims to be pregnant.
01:24:22Charlie claims to be the father.
01:24:24Ray claims to be the father.
01:24:26And I claim to be the father.
01:24:28Which is impossible, is it?
01:24:29You had a vasectomy.
01:24:30I have also had a vasovasostomy.
01:24:33What do you say to that?
01:24:35A vasov...
01:24:36A what?
01:24:37A vasovasostomy.
01:24:38A reverse vasectomy.
01:24:39Oh, yeah.
01:24:40Oh, come on.
01:24:41You can't do that.
01:24:42It's been done.
01:24:43I'm a whole man again.
01:24:44You mean you let them go in there twice?
01:24:46I had to fulfill my end of the bargain.
01:24:48Oh, give us a break, Gordon.
01:24:50Do you believe this beeswax?
01:24:52A vasocolostomy?
01:24:53Vasovasostomy, you pea brain.
01:24:56I don't care what you call it.
01:24:57It's nonsense.
01:24:58Might as well face the truth, Charlie.
01:25:00I love her and she adores me.
01:25:03We can't pretend anymore.
01:25:05We're past the point of no return.
01:25:07I know.
01:25:10You're rejecting me?
01:25:11Me?
01:25:12I told you it was a business arrangement.
01:25:14You're going to say that you don't love me?
01:25:16That you never loved me?
01:25:17That all those nights of honey and whipped cream
01:25:19were figments of my imagination?
01:25:21We don't belong together, Gordon.
01:25:23We have nothing in common.
01:25:25We have the star child!
01:25:26Oh, please.
01:25:27Gordon, this is the real world, not some epic poem.
01:25:31You belong with Maureen and I belong with Charlie.
01:25:34Someday we all can look back at this and laugh.
01:25:36I'm laughing now.
01:25:38So this is how it ends.
01:25:40You don't deserve to carry my baby.
01:25:42It's my baby.
01:25:43It's my baby.
01:25:44It's my baby.
01:25:45It's my baby.
01:25:46And I'll decide with the father's.
01:25:47Oh, that would be a neat solution.
01:25:48Get rid of anything that's inconvenient.
01:25:50Yeah, like you.
01:25:51Come on, Linda.
01:25:52We're going.
01:25:53Good!
01:25:54Go!
01:25:57Get the ants and take your illegitimate progeny with you!
01:26:01You aren't behaving like a child.
01:26:03Leave them!
01:26:05Let them be trampled underfoot like I have been downtrodden by a mad, unworthy passion.
01:26:12Oh, who cares about your damn poems anyway?
01:26:15I told you it was a nut.
01:26:16Come on, Linda.
01:26:17We're going.
01:26:18Let go of me.
01:26:19No, Linda.
01:26:20I've been letting go too long.
01:26:22From now on, we do things our way.
01:26:26I don't care what you say, it's still my baby.
01:26:41In case you ever need new carpets.
01:26:46I like my carpets.
01:26:49Oh, yeah.
01:26:54Oh.
01:27:01Are you waiting for an encore?
01:27:04Do you think I made my point?
01:27:08Yes, I think you made your point.
01:27:11Good.
01:27:17After all that, I didn't need any help.
01:27:20And it turned out all right.
01:27:22Gordon went back to Maureen.
01:27:24Linda came back to me.
01:27:26We all learned something about life.
01:27:29Lots of new positions.
01:27:32Linda got pregnant.
01:27:35Maureen got pregnant.
01:27:37And it was all me.
01:27:39The new sperm king is gonna be a father.
01:27:43Congratulations.
01:27:44It's triplets.
01:27:49I love my work.
01:27:52I'm so happy for you.
01:27:57Or you.
01:27:58Or you.
01:27:59Oh, yeah.
01:28:00Whichever.
01:28:01If you wanna feel all right, grab your girl and hold on tight.
01:28:06Love her morning, noon and night.
01:28:07That's what the doctor says.
01:28:08North of town, east of west.
01:28:09In which way it feels the best.
01:28:10Time to put it to the test.
01:28:11Doin' what the doctor says.
01:28:12And we're doin' what the doctor says.
01:28:13We're doin' what the doctor says.
01:28:17We're doin' what the doctor says.
01:28:18Hold on tight
01:28:19Love her morning, noon and night
01:28:22That's what the doctor says
01:28:24North of town, east of west
01:28:28In which way it feels the best
01:28:31Time to put it to the test
01:28:33We're doing what the doctor says
01:28:36Yeah, we're doing what the doctor says
01:28:39We're doing what the doctor says
01:28:41Yeah, we're doing what the doctor says
01:28:45We're doing what the doctor says
01:28:47When you feel the fever rise
01:28:51Can you start to fantasize
01:28:53Time to get some exercise
01:28:56We're doing what the doctor says
01:28:59Even when the sun all shines
01:29:02Everybody feel it fine
01:29:05Show me yours, I'll show you mine
01:29:08We're doing what the doctor says
01:29:10Yeah, we're doing what the doctor says
01:29:13We're doing what the doctor says
01:29:16Oh, we're doing what the doctor says
01:29:19We're doing what the doctor says
01:29:22Get down
01:29:23Get it up
01:29:25Get it on
01:29:28Get crazy
01:29:31Open wide
01:29:34Stick out your tongue
01:29:37Say, ah
01:29:40Do what the doctor says
01:29:44You can't really have a ball
01:29:47Throw your socks against the wall
01:29:50No
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