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00:00whatever a woman does her choices whether it's about her career whether it's about her clothes
00:05her makeup anything it's all criticized so at some point it affects her if the woman really
00:11understands herself and therefore her choices why would there be a need to be affected by others
00:21but we bother as women we find ourselves bothered disturbed with the need to be validated
00:28and probably there lies the real issue why is there a need to seek sanctions from others
00:37if i wear a shorts my parents says that you're not allowed to go like this outside why that word
00:44allowed comes what you're saying is you want to do something and that must be supported by your
00:51parents but that's not how life is please if i want to breathe i have to fight against
00:58atmospheric pressure that's how life is but as of now they have the control how can anybody have
01:04control show me we are dependent on the how how how how so go out and earn if you are financially
01:11dependent go out and earn and reduce your needs and make the two meet whether you take money from
01:17your father or from your husband or even from your boyfriend if your boyfriend is spending on you
01:22it's not because he's selfless you'll soon discover his demands and when you don't fulfill those demands
01:29then there are reset attacks instead of inspiring you i look like threatening you
01:35good afternoon my name is sobia sheikh and my question is that women are often labeled right for example
01:50if she dresses up or she wears makeup then she is judged unfairly and they don't understand her
01:56individuality so why is that women are labeled so often and how can one rise above this labels
02:03you see when you are saying that women are labeled you are talking of others right so there is somebody
02:18other out there who's labeling the woman right yeah and the woman is now at least slightly concerned or
02:33disturbed and that's why she's raising this question right right because uh whatever a woman does her
02:41choices whether it's about her career whether it's about her clothes her makeup anything it's all criticized
02:47so at some point it affects her right so labeled by others criticized by others and you now rightly put
02:59your finger on your finger on the woman's inner condition you said it affects her
03:06so probably that is the central issue and the central weakness that enables and emboldens others to pass judgments
03:22and psychologically and physically dominate her since centuries are you getting it i mean if the woman
03:34or any person irrespective of gender really understands herself and therefore her choices
03:44that must be chosen why would there be a need to be affected by others then the very basis of this question
03:56hmm would become needless you see i am a person right and if i am very sure of who i am and where my choices and actions
04:10are coming from, then do I need to bother what this person or that person is saying about me?
04:19Do I need to bother? But we bother, don't we? As human beings, as women, we find ourselves
04:28bothered, disturbed, right? With the need to be validated and probably there lies the real
04:40issue. Why is there a need to be validated? Why is there a need to seek sanctions from
04:49others? And as long as that need exists, a weakness would exist because if you look to
04:59others to grant their sanctions, others can withhold it and by withholding their sanction,
05:06they gain a handle over you, they gain power over you. So, the real problem is not that others are
05:14judgmental or that others unfairly criticize you. The real problem is that you are affected by their
05:24judgment or criticism and I'll correct myself here, even that is not the real problem.
05:29Because the need to look to others to have an assessment of oneself arises only in
05:38the absence of self-knowledge. When I do not know myself, then I'll have no option
05:46but to gather my image from others, right? I do not know who I am, I do not know why I should hold this
05:55mic, I do not know why I should wear these shoes, I do not know why I should be present here at all or
06:00why I should wear this stuff. I do not know. So, what will I do then? I'll ask all and sundry. Sir, do you
06:09approve of this? Ma'am, what do you think of this? All, should I be sitting here? To the entire world, I'll beg.
06:18Please tell me how do I behave? What are my limits? How do I speak? How do I marry? How do I eat? How
06:25do I walk? How do I dress up? Why does that happen in the first place? That happens because I do not
06:33know who I am. Because I have borrowed my sense of self from history, tradition, society. I have not
06:40looked afresh at myself originally. And when I do not look afresh at myself, I lean on external
06:50knowledge and the current of tradition. Then the result will be that I would be walking on social
06:59external crutches. And that's what the others exploit to the hilt. Please understand, there are
07:07no free lunches. If you are dependent on someone, whether physically, financially, emotionally or
07:13psychologically, there would be a price to pay. And women have been taught that
07:20dependence is probably alright. In fact, dependence has been glorified. And if you will depend, then
07:31you will find yourself helpless. Bluntly put at the mercy of others. So, a very superficial example
07:41would be you think you have dressed up rightly. And you approach the other for validation. And
07:47he says, what crap. And you will be devastated for something as trivial as clothing, something
07:56as trivial as that. Because the other didn't approve of it. And if such an impact can occur in such a trivial
08:07matter, think of the deeper things of life. Whether to pursue higher education, whether to think
08:17independently, whether to proceed in such a such way, in terms of career, whether to relocate for the sake of work,
08:33when and whether to marry, when and whether to have kids, all these things, you will find yourself
08:41dependent on others. And it is not a good condition. I am saying that very mildly. I should rather say it is a pathetic condition.
08:53If for such intimate things in life, you have to borrow approval from others, then I need to be cautious. I need to be alerted.
09:07I need to tell myself, no, no, no, no, no, no. I am a human being fully capable, fully mature and there is a certain dignity to uphold.
09:18And there is, there is something so intimate to all of us that no external party should be allowed to encroach or touch upon.
09:26Right? There is a certain sacredness within. Doesn't matter man, woman, whatever. There has to be a spot within that nobody should be
09:37allowed to be allowed to violate, enter, touch, spoil. That inner sanctity, that inner sacredness is
09:46what is called as the self, the true self, the pure self.
09:51Right? But what we have been brought up as and even educated to be
09:59is creatures of dependence. Depend on this, depend on that, depend on that. There are certain, you know, books in fact, books of social conduct that have explicitly said that a woman should never be independent.
10:21As a kid, she should be dependent on the father, later on the husband and when she grows old, then she should be dependent on the son.
10:36Now think of the kind of distortion this would bring to the collective mind of humanity.
10:50Right? Dependence becomes a way of life.
10:54Have you ever wondered, you talked of dressing up or makeup, have you ever wondered why
11:01so many poems have been written praising the beauty of women in particular?
11:11As if the other gender is totally deprived of beauty?
11:17No, I too can feel hurt.
11:21Now, why have so many poems been composed specifically for women?
11:32Think of it. Go into it deeply.
11:35Do we really know what beauty is?
11:39Do we have an original conception of beauty? Really original, authentic, ingrown, ingrown, heartfelt?
11:48Had we known that as women, had we known that, then we wouldn't have needed somebody else to pamper us
11:55with their words, flowers and rainbows.
12:01But the men very well know that the woman can be flattered.
12:04Why?
12:05Because she has been distorted to the extent that she does not quite originally know what beauty is.
12:12So, we will tell her, you are beautiful.
12:15And in telling her that she is beautiful, we will make her dependent on us. Right?
12:20Because today, she will gloat.
12:24Ah, somebody came and told me, ah, you are gorgeous.
12:28Now, the same fellow has been given the power to return to you and say, you are looking ugly.
12:39And you will find yourself shattered.
12:40Because if he can inflate you with his praise, he can deflate you with his condemnation.
12:49Or a simple act of inattention.
12:54Right? You passed by. The fellow didn't even care to throw a glance.
13:02And you find your mood is spoilt.
13:05Why?
13:06Why isn't our self-worth innate?
13:10Why do we have to look at others?
13:12Why should those poems succeed in flattering us?
13:17Why should the women's apparel market be booming like this?
13:25Why should 70% of the world's cosmetics be consumed by women?
13:30Please understand.
13:33This is one area, one of the few areas in which women dominate.
13:3997% of world's cosmetics are consumed by women. Men consume only 3%.
13:43Why?
13:50Not that consuming cosmetics is a problem.
13:53Not in itself.
13:55But it is a problem when it is done to please somebody else.
14:00When it is done to please somebody else, then probably there is a problem.
14:05You need to find out for yourself. I have nobody to tell you.
14:10Are you getting it?
14:14And then it becomes a sort of joke with men.
14:21They say, you know, these creatures, they don't even talk of the gender.
14:27They say, this species, as if it's a, you know, understand the joke.
14:30This species
14:31is overly sensitive. So, be mindful.
14:39Be mindful where you're stepping because some random, casual, innocuous remark can offend them.
14:47Now, why should one be offended easily, if at all?
14:51Because one wanted a certain appreciation or approval from the other.
14:58And if one does not get it, one finds herself very vulnerable.
15:04Even casual remark will hurt you.
15:11Even the casual absence of a remark can hurt you.
15:14So, I took two hours to dress up and he said nothing.
15:23And he said nothing.
15:24And he might even not know that he has offended you.
15:28And the entire day then,
15:29you are sulking.
15:33And the fellow is wondering, what have I done?
15:36The thing is, you have not done anything.
15:40And that's the reason why there is a problem.
15:42You should have done something.
15:43No, no.
15:45I know it sounds funny.
15:48But it really is not.
15:52Yes, it is funny.
15:53I too will want to take it as a joke.
15:57But the reality is, this is not a joke.
16:00This is at the root of all our bondage.
16:08Getting it?
16:14Yeah, proceed.
16:17So, as you said about clothing, makeup and all,
16:20it goes more deeper, right?
16:22Certain professions, when a woman chooses to be in certain professions,
16:26then they are like, you know, that's not a field that a woman should be in.
16:30For example, criminal law.
16:33When I say, I wanted to do criminal law, then
16:36there were people who told me, that's not a good field for women.
16:39You know, it's risky for women.
16:41You know, you are not going to really benefit much from it.
16:44So, it's just not about makeup and clothing.
16:46It goes way deeper.
16:48And as you said, when somebody does not say anything,
16:52even when we dress up, it's true.
16:54It does spoiler mode.
16:55Because, since childhood, what happened is that we are emotionally dependent on people.
17:01And most of the time, it's more common in women that they are very emotionally, like,
17:06deeply attached and dependent on others.
17:08Yeah, they are trained to be, they are trained to be, yes.
17:14You see, that has to be challenged.
17:16What else can be said?
17:18Yes, there is criminal law and there are certain other fields
17:23that have not traditionally been women's bastions, yes.
17:27Yes, when I entered IIT 1995, there are two departments that girls don't usually prefer,
17:38mechanical engineering and civil engineering.
17:41Yet, we did have a couple of girls in both of these departments.
17:48In fact, I think in mechanical, there was just one.
17:51So, somebody has to initiate it.
17:57And I'm quite sure if we look at the batch composition today,
18:01at the better engineering colleges,
18:05it would be much better than 1 by 60.
18:09Maybe still not 50%.
18:11I'm sure it's still not 50%, but at least 20% now.
18:17So, somebody makes a start.
18:18And then the thing from there,
18:22just gains a life of its own.
18:25You become an inspiration.
18:28Getting it? That's fine.
18:30Getting it?
18:32Same thing applies in the world of management to the field of marketing.
18:43Especially the sales part of it.
18:44So, women can be in finance, mostly they are found in HR.
18:51Mostly they are found in HR, but they can be in finance or in consulting or in strategy.
18:58But they are usually not found in sales.
19:02At least till 20 years back.
19:04But then there were certain women who took the lead.
19:09They said, we like this. We like to be right at the front.
19:15We like to have our feet on the street.
19:19So, they started it from there and then it happens.
19:22You very well know that even in Olympics, women were not allowed.
19:27Till not so long back, right?
19:29So, all these doors are now opening.
19:33In fact, yours is a relatively privileged generation.
19:39If you just go back two or five decades, you will be amazed at how many doors were closed then.
19:48The so-called developed countries of the West.
19:50Do you know when women got the right to vote there?
19:55Well, even universal adult franchisee did not exist.
20:03In many of these so-called developed countries, women couldn't vote.
20:08But today they can.
20:11And there still are countries where women can't drive.
20:15And there still are countries where if women have to go out, they must be accompanied by a male guardian or somebody.
20:21So, fine. All that is history.
20:26And therefore, the girl must know that there is not much in history for the girl.
20:34Don't be so historically aligned.
20:39Don't say you are carriers of historical traditions because history really carries nothing for you.
20:47The woman must make a fresh start.
20:48I understand if men say we are traditionalists and we are proud of glorious historical episodes, this or that.
21:00But it is quite amusing when a woman comes up and starts talking of her identification or attachment with history.
21:11What do you have to do with history?
21:14What do you have to do with history?
21:17History has given nothing to you.
21:20If you will look at history, you will only find your oppression and glorified oppression.
21:28Religiously, legally, socially sanctioned oppression.
21:32Right?
21:32Therefore, you must make a fresh start.
21:39And that's the reason you need the field of wisdom, wisdom literature and real deep core philosophy and spirituality so much.
21:52And by spirituality, I no way mean organized religion or its tenets.
21:57No.
22:00I mean hardcore philosophy dealing with the bondage of the self.
22:05That is what is spirituality.
22:11Are you getting it?
22:12You must have a good knowledge of history and that will liberate you from history.
22:25It's been man's history through and through.
22:30There's not much for you there.
22:31Yes.
22:36Good evening, sir.
22:37My name is Tirtha Naik and as a young woman, when I dress up, if I wear a dress or a shorts, my parents says that, oh, your knees are showing, oh, your arms are showing.
22:51So, and they are like, you're not allowed to go like this outside.
22:57What people are going to say?
22:58What people are going to think?
22:59So, why that word allowed comes?
23:03Why can't we choose what we can wear?
23:07And how to deal with it, you know?
23:13Anybody can say anything.
23:15The problem is, why do you listen?
23:19You, this audience here, they can tell me I'm not allowed to wear this or that or utter this word.
23:26Right?
23:29Or speak in such a manner or in such terms, you can say that I'm not allowed.
23:35You can say what you want to, I'll do what I want to.
23:37But the thing is, we are forced to listen to them.
23:42How can somebody force you?
23:43Try forcing me.
23:45Sir, I have something to say about that.
23:48I want to close this first.
23:51How can somebody force you without your implicit consent?
23:56Please tell me.
23:58They are like, first cover your arms or else you're not allowed.
24:02So, they are saying something.
24:03Yeah.
24:04So, they have said something.
24:06That's all.
24:08That's all.
24:09Anybody can say anything.
24:12Freedom of speech is universal.
24:13So, sir, I have to speak on her question.
24:17No, no, no, wait, wait.
24:18Otherwise, it will go out as, I'm advising young girls to be defiant
24:24or override their parents or not listen to their parents.
24:28We'll first close this.
24:31What you're saying is, you want to do something and that must be supported by your parents.
24:36But that's not how life is, please.
24:38If I want to breathe, you know, I have to fight against atmospheric pressure.
24:47That's how life is.
24:51You know, it takes calories to breathe, do you know?
24:55If you have no energy, you can't even breathe.
24:59Because the air is not going to grant you the breath.
25:05Nobody will bestow anything to you.
25:10There are no free lunches.
25:14In life, there is struggle.
25:18You want to breathe in.
25:20Your lungs must pump in the air through exertion,
25:25through a demonstration of will and power.
25:30Otherwise, you can't even breathe.
25:31You know, even as you sit here right now,
25:37there are defence mechanisms in your body.
25:40There are white blood cells, there are T-cells
25:43that are continuously waging a war
25:46against those who must not enter you but have.
25:52As we sit here as human beings, there are these microbes,
25:54tiny miscreants. They keep entering our body through food, through water, through air,
26:01even through our skin, without our knowledge.
26:05And when they enter our body, all these pathogens, you know of them, the virus, the bacteria,
26:10the fungus, the algae, you know of them.
26:12When they enter your body, what happens?
26:14What happens?
26:14Your defence mechanism is continuously fighting against them.
26:20Or will you say,
26:20No, I want to live.
26:22Please allow me to live.
26:24Dear virus, please.
26:25No.
26:26The virus will do what the virus has to do.
26:28You cannot blame the virus.
26:30You do what you must do.
26:33And then there are certain microorganisms that are actually beneficial to you.
26:38You let them in.
26:39You cooperate with them.
26:41But for that, first of all, you must have a sense of what you must listen to
26:46and what you must discard.
26:49Do you know that?
26:51And if you do not know that, should we talk of your parents or rather the daughter?
26:59Certain advises by parents can be wonderful, beautiful.
27:04Certain parents can be very, very illumined individuals and they can give precious advises
27:10to their sons and daughters and to the world in general.
27:13Why must we not listen to them?
27:16And there are certain parents.
27:19You must not spend even half a second in listening to.
27:25How can the lost give you directions?
27:27Those who have never known the way their own entire life, how qualified are they to offer you navigation?
27:38You must not waste a second heeding to them.
27:41But for that, you must first of all know who is worth listening to.
27:46And no person is an absolute.
27:50Sometimes you listen.
27:52Sometimes you see that this part I can be more discreet with.
27:58Are you getting it?
27:59So, is it about the parents or is it about the listener?
28:02And if I do not know what to listen to, then I might find I am disregarding even sane and precious advice.
28:13Which often happens.
28:15That advice might come from parents or teachers or writers or from anybody else.
28:21But I will not have the sense to accord value to it.
28:26And I will miss out on that advice.
28:27Mind you, you cannot be forced if you are not dependent.
28:36Therefore, you cannot be forced without your consent.
28:41If you find yourself bulldozed or forced, there is only one reason.
28:48You are not walking on your own legs.
28:53But the thing is, we are somehow dependent on our parents right now.
28:57Financially or something.
29:00Then bear it.
29:01The equation is very simple.
29:05Dependence
29:08and bondages
29:10will definitely co-exist as a rule.
29:14And if you have made peace with dependence,
29:18then equally you make peace with bondages.
29:23You cannot have, as they say,
29:25your cake
29:29and eat it too.
29:33You have to, you have to bear this thing in its totality.
29:39If you want freedom, you pay the price.
29:42You don't want to pay the price, you remain enslaved.
29:44So, but then when we go against our parents, parents feel like we are disrespecting them.
29:54See, anybody can feel anything.
29:57Again, the same thing.
29:58There are so many out here, right?
30:06If I ask them, what have you felt so far about what I have said?
30:12Well, we can conduct this experiment here.
30:17A live demonstration.
30:19If you just ask them, how you have felt about the whole thing,
30:23they all will write miscellaneous thing.
30:25It will be difficult to find two descriptions alike.
30:31Right?
30:32The gentleman over there would write one thing.
30:35The lady there would write another thing.
30:38And if you swap your papers on which you have written,
30:42you will be amazed.
30:44But I have felt something totally different.
30:47How can this fellow feel like this?
30:50Should I bother beyond a point?
30:53I have come here to do my best, deliver my best.
31:00Should I bother too much about the feelings of the audience?
31:04Yes, obviously, there must be a feedback mechanism.
31:06I am constantly looking into your eyes.
31:08Definitely. But I will not allow that to affect my integrity.
31:17I will not allow you to dictate what I am to say.
31:22Yes, one does look at the other as a social being.
31:26And I will also look at you to assess whether I am really reaching out.
31:32But that does not mean that you can uproot me from my centre.
31:36Maybe I will adjust my tone, my words, my language, something.
31:42My pace.
31:43Maybe that's something I can do.
31:45But that does not mean that you can shift me from my fundamental position.
31:52And that has to be the approach towards the world.
31:57One adjusts on the outside.
32:00One doesn't adjust on the inside.
32:05Outside adjustment is the rule.
32:10I've come here.
32:11I'm sitting on this chair.
32:12I'll have to adjust to it.
32:14I'll have to adjust to the humidity or to the air or to whatever.
32:17Wherever I am, you're on the road, you adjust to the traffic.
32:20You cannot control things.
32:23Or can you?
32:24One learns to adjust.
32:32But all adjustment must have a limit.
32:37How many of you can control the rain?
32:41What does one do then?
32:43One adjusts.
32:45That's fine.
32:46That's fine.
32:47But here, in your interiors, there must be no adjustment.
32:56There has to be a sacred inviolability.
33:05And that is what you can also call as real chastity.
33:11Getting it?
33:12Does that clarify things?
33:16No, no.
33:16You ask the question.
33:17You ask the question.
33:22You are free beings.
33:27Please understand.
33:29As men or as women, you are free.
33:33But freedom always comes with a price tag.
33:44You cannot have your comforts and conveniences and all the usual securities and still want freedom.
33:54That is not the way life is.
34:02You cannot say, I am the pampered doll at home.
34:10But I'll do as I wish.
34:11No, no, no.
34:11You can be a pampered doll.
34:13These days, they call it Papagi Pari.
34:15You can be Papagi Pari, but then Papa will also decide when to send off the Pari and when to marry her off.
34:27There is a price to pay.
34:33But how we love it, no?
34:36I am the good girl at house.
34:39Everybody says, look at her, how dainty, how disciplined, how well behaved.
34:45Don't get me wrong, but you need to learn a little disobedience.
34:59Disobedience of the right kind.
35:03Sir, about that one, like sometimes we try to get free, like in my case at least,
35:10I am trying to get out of the house, to get a hostel, to study more further, but as of now,
35:16they have the control and they will not even let you have the freedom.
35:20How, how, how?
35:21How can anybody have control?
35:23Show me.
35:25Sir, we are dependent on them.
35:27How, how, how, how?
35:28So go out and earn.
35:31If you are financially dependent, go out and earn and reduce your needs and make the two meet.
35:37Your reduced needs and your major earnings, let them equate each other.
35:47Why do you need to spend so much?
35:51If you find that today you cannot earn on your own, why do you need branded clothing and this and that
35:58and all kinds of accessories and the better kinds of phones?
36:04Why do you need all that?
36:07No price is too big for freedom or is it?
36:12Reduce all your expenses, but don't compromise on your freedom.
36:17And even after that, even after the reduction, some expense will remain because you're human being.
36:22So you'll spend, earn, go out and earn, you're educated, offer tuitions, do some day job, part time, something, anything.
36:36And I'm not speaking from theory.
36:39We were doing it 30 years back.
36:41I had very cordial family relations, everything all right.
36:53But I refused to take a penny from my parents the day I entered college.
37:01There is a place near IIT Delhi.
37:03IIT Delhi is located at Hos Khas.
37:06There is a place called Kalusarai.
37:09So there are all these J.E. coaching centers located there.
37:15J.E. you understand? IIT J.E. the entrance exam.
37:20So we would go there and as IIT students, they knew we had a certain caliber.
37:27So we would be given the copies of their students to evaluate.
37:31And there was certain money to be had per copy.
37:36So you go there, you sit there, you evaluate the copies of their students and you get certain money.
37:44And that would suffice.
37:47And some of us would go out and take tuitions.
37:53Because pocket money is all that you need.
37:55I mean, as far as the institute fee is concerned,
37:59there is the education loan for that.
38:01Right? The education loan can cover all of your institute expenses and for your personal expenses,
38:10go out and earn and reduce your expenses.
38:12And it's not that there is a moratorium on being funded from family or parents.
38:23You can take money.
38:25If that money comes out of pure affection and love, please take it.
38:29But if there are strings attached, immediately refuse.
38:37Most often, there are strings attached, whether you take money from your father or from your husband
38:44or even from your boyfriend.
38:46If your boyfriend is spending on you,
38:49it's not because he is selfless.
38:51He will soon discover his demands.
38:59And when you don't fulfill those demands, then there are reset attacks.
39:07Instead of inspiring you,
39:11I look like threatening you.
39:14Am I doing that?
39:17Okay, fine.
39:21All right.
39:44I see.
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