- 2 days ago
Three friends think they might be pregnant. They face their fears, search for answers, and go on a wild ride full of laughs, surprises, and maybe even some eggs.
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:00This is a production of the U.S. Department of State.
00:00:30which is since 2 days he was able to make
00:00:34all of this, this very early days
00:00:38, so the Italian Italian reportedly
00:00:42started in this mood
00:00:46, so it's very easy.
00:00:50We had to make them a little bit more
00:00:54while we were here, we were having
00:00:56Michael, I only get to play with one of your men.
00:01:26If you weren't my mom, you'd be on the ground right now.
00:01:56If you weren't my mom, you'd be on the ground right now.
00:02:05And you will be free.
00:02:12Happy birthday to you.
00:02:15Happy birthday to you.
00:02:18Happy birthday, dear Shannon.
00:02:23Happy birthday to you.
00:02:27Go on, baby, make a wish.
00:02:31Blow them out already.
00:02:33We're ready for some freaking cake.
00:02:37Oh.
00:02:39I smell cake.
00:02:45You don't eat that.
00:02:47Auntie Shannon barfed on it.
00:02:49Really?
00:02:50Aren't you the cutest little tattletale in the world?
00:02:53Come on.
00:02:55Sounds like she's still in there puking.
00:02:59I don't think she got any on the cake, but better safe than sorry.
00:03:04Uncle Dave.
00:03:06Cake.
00:03:10Just in case.
00:03:28Do we have a bigger one?
00:03:31Not unless you want the one mom uses to clean out the litter boxes.
00:03:35No, this will work, thanks.
00:03:43Mmm, gross.
00:03:45What, did you eat something at the student union?
00:03:48I warned you about the rats, didn't I?
00:03:50If I didn't, there's rats in the student union.
00:03:53You should probably never eat there again.
00:03:55Or go there even.
00:03:56No one's ever seen a rat there except for you.
00:03:58Maybe I'm the only one looking.
00:04:00Anyways, no.
00:04:02No, I didn't eat anything there.
00:04:04I haven't eaten, like, at all the past few days.
00:04:09To the internet.
00:04:11My guess is...
00:04:13It's always...
00:04:15Oh.
00:04:20Oh.
00:04:25Oh.
00:04:27Okay.
00:04:28Grab your stuff.
00:04:29Mm-hmm.
00:04:30I told you I wasn't hungry.
00:04:33Suit yourself.
00:04:34Mmm.
00:04:35Happy end of the world.
00:04:36Uh, is this some kind of birthday ambush?
00:04:37I mean, I appreciate the effort, but...
00:04:39Joy or no joy?
00:04:41You got me a vibrator for my birthday?
00:04:42You've never seen a pregnancy test before, have you?
00:04:43No.
00:04:44No.
00:04:45No.
00:04:46No.
00:04:47No.
00:04:48No.
00:04:49No.
00:04:50No.
00:04:51No.
00:04:52No.
00:04:53No.
00:04:54No.
00:04:55No.
00:04:56No.
00:04:57No.
00:04:58No.
00:04:59No.
00:05:00No.
00:05:01No.
00:05:02No.
00:05:03No.
00:05:04No.
00:05:05No.
00:05:06No.
00:05:07No.
00:05:08No.
00:05:09No.
00:05:10No.
00:05:11No.
00:05:12No.
00:05:13No.
00:05:14No.
00:05:15No.
00:05:16No.
00:05:17No.
00:05:18No.
00:05:19No.
00:05:20No.
00:05:21No.
00:05:22No.
00:05:23No.
00:05:24No.
00:05:25No.
00:05:26No.
00:05:27No.
00:05:28No.
00:05:29No.
00:05:30No.
00:05:31holy easy god no regard for burning your throat hole or anything it's a good burn
00:05:48dude did you pee on the whole thing yeah no what this is the bullseye
00:05:56everywhere how long is too long to get one of those plan B pills it's literally called the
00:06:05morning after pill plus good luck trying to get someone to sell you one in Texas what's that
00:06:11supposed to mean guy wouldn't sell it to me when I went when did you go the literal morning after
00:06:19I was cleaning the bathroom and I found a broken condom in the trash can freaked out went to the
00:06:25store by the bowling alley fun fact that's where I bought these oh that is a cool story
00:06:30so this was a religious thing him not selling it to you who knows he didn't he didn't quote
00:06:37scripture or anything he just said no what the I didn't think that was legal anymore I don't know
00:06:45I'm not a lawyer I mean it was embarrassing enough to have to ask permission to buy the
00:06:50thing I didn't want to stick around debate civil rights or whatever
00:06:53hey relax I'm betting we're all gonna get negatives stop being so positive might be contagious I want
00:07:06mine to be negative be negative little plastic can't argue with that logic they're not gonna let me go on
00:07:15Europe trip if I'm pregnant this could fuck up my whole year I'm gonna have to turn down that job
00:07:21Dylan's setting me up with can't go to LA if I'm pregnant I can't afford that
00:07:26what the hell dude oh dude I'm sorry but dude hey look we're not ready for this yet
00:07:37um excuse me those pregnancy tests were like 15 bucks a piece you
00:07:52fine I'll buy a whiskey whiskey whiskey uh you can't drink if you're pregnant I thought I was the
00:07:59one in this group whiskey is for door number one I haven't figured out what we're gonna do for door
00:08:05number two yet can you try just like for half a second even but try to make some sense right
00:08:10now none of us are ready to be pregnant I think we can all agree on that yeah we agree sure we can't
00:08:17just never know though can we can we just ignore it look maybe we're gonna have a maybe shower oh just
00:08:30take me to the store so I can buy another pregnancy test we can get a replacement cake while we're
00:08:35there and celebrate at mom's if you want there will be cake I'm also gonna need a list of all possible
00:08:42fathers a list um Davy I can text you a list expect lots of emojis so we're doing this when right
00:08:56now
00:08:59roxy what up hey is spider house free tonight sweet yeah um can you call mike and have him invite the
00:09:08gang cool thanks spider house yeah is there something wrong with that it's thursday and
00:09:16open bike night oh yeah Davy's playing I was supposed to go to that or whatever there you
00:09:22go it's fate all right let's party cool I you know I can drive if you want no it's cool you guys go
00:09:27change into something more fun I'm gonna go get a hat
00:09:32ask her if she's the little girl people see in the basement Emily are you the little girl that people
00:09:43see in the basement demons are known to present themselves as little girls to trick you into
00:09:50dropping your car play back what you've got so far
00:09:53are you the girl of people holy that is a class a EVP you got that class a potty mouth
00:10:08holy sh** that is a class a f**king EVP I hate all of you think fast oh my god dude
00:10:24now we have to do laundry again this week look I paid for that one look you you paid for this one
00:10:34right there oh man you should have seen your faces this is f**king priceless man oh my god
00:10:41big vats god damn it bro you have got to stop f**king me yeah yeah yeah
00:10:48is that ghost wars dude no you said you were going to tell me when you were working on this again
00:10:57you said that you were going to stop throwing burritos at me
00:11:00yeah you're right I'm sorry
00:11:05I cannot let you watch this dude I can't have this getting out on reddit again
00:11:13okay no that's cool it's fine it's fine um oh man why do you even like this show you don't believe
00:11:21in ghosts the f**k I don't really you believe in ghosts hey best check your tone bud I'm not the
00:11:28crazy one so I'm crazy for thinking that I don't turn into an invisible fart voice that opens doors
00:11:35and tickles people when I die yeah I don't know maybe all I'm saying is that it's just as crazy for
00:11:44you to think that you know you know I wouldn't say just as crazy but whatever
00:11:52it's the uh latest on that doc no it's not a doc that's that's what you said it was
00:12:01learned it yeah I mean it's not really not not anymore not really okay what's the latest
00:12:10you remember when Blair Witch came out and like half the people that saw it thought it was completely
00:12:15real I remember that you thought it was real shut up so did you until the cast did all that press
00:12:21TRL right yeah TRL right so when the cast went and did all these interviews the whole thing just
00:12:28kind of like lost its allure you know so you want to do a found footage thing dude I want to do the
00:12:38found footage thing I cracked the code what if every time you dig behind the scenes into a found footage
00:12:49horror movie the scarier it got hmm but the more you go behind the scenes the more you realize it's
00:12:57just actors yeah right but what if that wasn't the case I'm gonna shoot a found footage horror movie
00:13:03using only terminally ill patients as the cast of course you are heck yeah I am man and I'm not
00:13:12gonna show it until everyone dies that way whenever people google their names and start doing research
00:13:17it's gonna get crazier and crazier it's gonna be the scariest movie ever made and you're gonna make a
00:13:25bunch of money off of dead patients I mean I'm not a monster man you know we'll give the proceeds
00:13:33to like their family or like a charity of their choosing is some of the proceeds I'm not a bad man
00:13:42what the fuck is a maybe shower what the fuck is a maybe shower
00:13:49I don't know
00:13:55but I think we're gonna find out
00:14:08nailed it I'm gonna have to bring this with me it's due tomorrow morning
00:14:14did you start drinking that beer yet no cool you can drive
00:14:25Mike
00:14:36what's up boss delivery guy just dropped off the big silver beer jug can you put it where the kids
00:14:41had their punch bowl big silver beer jug oh the keg yeah sure why didn't you just have him bring it in
00:14:50when he dropped it off because that costs extra that's right do what I say don't ask any questions
00:15:00no no no no no no party's over tiny people what let's go come on happy prom welcome to high school
00:15:11happy Easter whatever you're celebrating our rides don't get here for another hour
00:15:14like I don't know that those bikes around the corner are yours we don't know how to ride bikes
00:15:20out
00:15:21okay go
00:15:22oh that one sounded better
00:15:35can you just take me back to the house
00:15:38can't do it you need this and more importantly I need you gotta play the sister card here
00:15:45that's so messed up what if I want to play the sister card and make you let me bail out of this
00:15:51too late I played it first but I don't make the rules
00:15:54karma
00:16:01no that one was chipotle
00:16:05pretty sure
00:16:08I gotta say I'm pretty jealous of how chill your life is
00:16:19yeah
00:16:19for real I hope when I'm about 30 I'm as happy as you are
00:16:24oh if everyone was as happy as me the world would be an awesome place
00:16:28super boring but probably better
00:16:31maybe I should drop out too
00:16:34me and Davy can become YouTube stars and just live in an apartment downtown
00:16:38I thought YouTube stars didn't exist anymore
00:16:41what happened to Vine?
00:16:44gross that app literally died like forever ago
00:16:48really though
00:16:50you know what's up
00:16:52just make enough money to pay the bills
00:16:54then get sloppy drunk and pass out on your floor bed every night
00:16:57well
00:17:00I mean
00:17:01let me put it that way
00:17:03what?
00:17:05nothing
00:17:05what the f***
00:17:12everything cool out there?
00:17:14pick up your phone you
00:17:18Ash
00:17:21call me back
00:17:22don't text me
00:17:24call me
00:17:25hey welcome to party universe how can I help you?
00:17:45I need a hat
00:17:46what do you uh
00:17:48what do you recommend for a maybe shower?
00:17:50I know I could count on you
00:18:12does it come without the feather?
00:18:13no
00:18:15of course not
00:18:17voicemail
00:18:25hey
00:18:29did you just butt dial me and then butt voicemail me?
00:18:33no that wasn't my butt
00:18:34that was on purpose
00:18:36sorry
00:18:37okay well um
00:18:40I don't know how to check my voicemail
00:18:42so you and your butt are just gonna have to say it all again
00:18:45Titus is on your list
00:18:47he is?
00:18:53oh s***
00:18:54yeah
00:18:56oh s***
00:18:57are you two back together?
00:19:00well
00:19:00not now
00:19:01are you two together?
00:19:03oh no
00:19:04no
00:19:04no
00:19:05definitely not
00:19:06I thought you were done with him after the thing at the concert
00:19:09I thought so too
00:19:11and then I saw him without a shirt
00:19:13playing basketball at the park
00:19:16he is such a s***
00:19:18yep
00:19:18yep
00:19:20I don't know what to say dude
00:19:24I wish I could tell you it was an accident
00:19:26but that wouldn't really be true
00:19:28it's fine
00:19:29I'm gonna tear him a new asshole when I see him
00:19:32but you know it's fine
00:19:33seriously he's all yours
00:19:36I'm gonna be sick
00:19:37because of guilt
00:19:38or because Titus put a baby
00:19:40oh gross
00:19:41imagine if we both had Titus' kid
00:19:44ugh
00:19:45we'd be like common law sisters
00:19:47Titus
00:19:59my man
00:19:59what's going on?
00:20:02oh you know
00:20:03another day
00:20:04another chance to die
00:20:05doing what I love
00:20:06flipping houses
00:20:07you know I'm not defined by my day job
00:20:12delivery guy
00:20:14so
00:20:16you going to Roxy's thing?
00:20:19is that the maybe shower
00:20:20everybody keeps talking about?
00:20:21I don't know
00:20:22whatever's happening at the firehouse
00:20:23is what I'm talking about
00:20:24that's the thing
00:20:25so what are you doing here?
00:20:26I just dropped off a bunch of booze
00:20:28is it all f***ing booze?
00:20:31yeah
00:20:31then that's what I'm doing here
00:20:34there we go
00:20:47enjoy
00:20:50look behind her
00:20:57that is a f***load of beer
00:21:00it's just beer
00:21:03my brother can get us beer
00:21:06it's not just the beer dude
00:21:07it's the challenge
00:21:09challenge beer
00:21:14well I challenge you to just forget it
00:21:20and come to the lake
00:21:21and come to the lake like we planned
00:21:22yeah
00:21:25yeah you're right
00:21:26let's take a moment
00:21:29before the seniors get there
00:21:30well this is going to be fun
00:21:55cheers
00:22:08hey
00:22:10Lewis
00:22:12I'm glad you can make it
00:22:13yeah
00:22:14I wouldn't miss this
00:22:15whatever this is
00:22:17yeah about that
00:22:18what the f*** is this?
00:22:21Davey
00:22:22well uh
00:22:24Lovebird over there
00:22:26myself
00:22:27and
00:22:27our mutual friend Ash
00:22:29are at a crossroads
00:22:31yeah we put that together
00:22:32you're all pregnant right?
00:22:34or
00:22:35one of you's pregnant
00:22:36and we have to figure out which one
00:22:37they don't know which one it is
00:22:39you don't know do you?
00:22:41sure don't
00:22:42and it's three
00:22:43not one
00:22:44three?
00:22:46uh
00:22:46these two of them?
00:22:48yeah
00:22:48two of them?
00:22:51what are them?
00:22:52why are we them?
00:22:55yeah
00:22:55afraid so
00:22:56we can talk about it in a minute
00:22:58are you the maybe daddy?
00:23:04uh
00:23:04maybe
00:23:06dude
00:23:06that's
00:23:07awesome
00:23:08I don't have to get you like a cigar
00:23:09or something
00:23:10something to drink
00:23:11you're going to have to get yourself one too
00:23:13you oblivious f***
00:23:15oh f***
00:23:17Ash?
00:23:20yeah
00:23:21twice
00:23:22I always said you two were a nice couple
00:23:25oh f***
00:23:27you're going to be adorable parents
00:23:30maybe
00:23:32I need some more beer
00:23:36yeah good call
00:23:36every time I drive home
00:23:40from the airport
00:23:42I get lost
00:23:45downtown
00:23:49I take you like the song then
00:24:01no not really
00:24:02but I like you
00:24:03that's the one
00:24:04he's the one
00:24:05alright
00:24:06but I thought only potential
00:24:13uh
00:24:15Davey
00:24:16please tell me you know what pre-c***ing is
00:24:19I don't
00:24:20Titus
00:24:24you know I can't let you in with outside booze
00:24:27man
00:24:27outside booze
00:24:29you are mistaken sir
00:24:32and I forgive you
00:24:33if Roxy
00:24:35you got this right?
00:24:39okay
00:24:39good point
00:24:40congratulations nerds
00:24:48the party is now officially worth attending
00:24:51you're welcome
00:24:53you're not going to pour
00:25:16redneck sangria
00:25:40that's disgusting
00:25:42horrifyingly so
00:25:44they've been so
00:25:46he never needs to rush
00:25:49license registration
00:26:08what the f***
00:26:09you scared the f*** out of me
00:26:11I mean at least I didn't throw any food at you
00:26:14what?
00:26:16it's
00:26:16it's
00:26:18ah never mind
00:26:19so
00:26:22you plan on joining us inside?
00:26:25oh yeah
00:26:25yeah I guess I have to at some point
00:26:28you want me to just
00:26:31join you in the car instead?
00:26:35okay
00:26:36okay
00:26:38get in the car
00:26:41okay
00:26:41yeah
00:26:42here I come
00:26:43here I come
00:26:43so
00:27:00there's like a pretty big elephant in the room
00:27:11anyone talk about it?
00:27:13oh no
00:27:18I still got it
00:27:42i have to at some point
00:27:46and i can't say
00:27:59what the f*** is that?
00:28:01oh
00:28:02alright
00:28:02Double trouble
00:28:07What the hell?
00:28:15Oh, you are in a mood
00:28:18Okay, you know what? Why don't we play a stupid game?
00:28:28Uh, okay, how many of you have been to a baby shower before?
00:28:37Steve and Amanda, raise your hands, you drunk idiots
00:28:40You literally had a baby shower
00:28:42Half of these people were there
00:28:44My sister had a bridal shower and she's pregnant when she had it
00:28:48Sure, let's count that
00:28:50If you haven't been to a baby shower
00:28:53It's pretty much just a dumb party with a bunch of games
00:28:57It's like a bridal shower
00:28:59But instead of being penis themed, it's baby themed
00:29:02As you can tell, this one is a little bit different though
00:29:06Okay, people, here's how tonight is going to work
00:29:08So each of the fine women up here on this stage
00:29:12Other than Roxy
00:29:14Each of us is possibly
00:29:17Potentially
00:29:19Maybe pregnant
00:29:22Yeah!
00:29:22Woo!
00:29:25Maybe shower
00:29:26I get it now
00:29:27So, we're here to do two things
00:29:31We're here to party
00:29:32And we're here to find out if we're going to be moms
00:29:36And we're all out of bubblegum
00:29:37Fuck!
00:29:38You didn't say the thing about the bubblegum
00:29:40Oops
00:29:40Each of you has a very special purpose
00:29:43You're going to drink
00:29:45You're going to dance to my awesome playlist
00:29:47You're going to play st*** party games
00:29:50But most importantly, you're going to make sure that each of these girls is okay with whatever their pee stick says at the end of the night
00:29:55That's enough Titus juice for you
00:30:00So what are the bottles for?
00:30:02Oh, yeah
00:30:03On stage, you'll see three bottles of whiskey
00:30:06Let's call that door number one
00:30:08As for door number two
00:30:11What is all that s***, Roxy?
00:30:13Well, door number two
00:30:15We have an extra-large, extra-strength bottle of prenatal vitamins
00:30:20$75 to Chuck E. Cheese
00:30:23And a 4K Blu-ray of Disney's Frozen
00:30:26Thank you to Titus for graciously providing the whiskey
00:30:30And the rest of the stuff we found in George's trunk
00:30:37George, a man who doesn't have or know any children
00:30:41George
00:30:43At midnight, we will each take one of these aforementioned pee sticks
00:30:49And let it dictate which one of these items we'll be spending the rest of the night with
00:30:53Please be the whiskey
00:30:54Please be the whiskey
00:30:55Brody
00:30:55Yeah, uh, so assuming you're all pregnant
00:30:59Uh, who gets the whiskey?
00:31:03No more questions?
00:31:04Good, cool, let's play some f*** games
00:31:05Yeah
00:31:05That's tight enough
00:31:12I'm gonna spin you around a few times
00:31:19My favorite liquid
00:31:20Go on, I'm not made of glass
00:31:22One, two, three
00:31:27Okay, help
00:31:33Cold
00:31:34You need to go right
00:31:37You can't say left
00:31:37It's warm
00:31:39Is it hot or cold?
00:31:40It's so hot
00:31:41It can't be both
00:31:43Uh, cold
00:31:44Right there
00:31:46Right there?
00:31:47Yeah
00:31:47Woo
00:31:49Yeah
00:31:50She's way off
00:31:58This means I'm not pregnant, right?
00:32:00I assume we're playing by standard Groundhog Day rules
00:32:02Huh, what?
00:32:12Titus, what?
00:32:14Good lord
00:32:15Girl
00:32:15Keep it together
00:32:17Be gentle
00:32:21Seven
00:32:22Oh
00:32:23Sorry
00:32:25Desi, I don't know if I even need to spin you
00:32:29You're so funny
00:32:31She's fine
00:32:33She's fine
00:32:37Yeah
00:32:37One, two, three
00:32:46This shouldn't be as funny as it is
00:32:50Matsumi
00:32:51I love it
00:32:52We should probably talk about some things, don't you think?
00:32:58Yeah
00:32:58I mean, I guess
00:33:00I was wondering when you were gonna bring it up
00:33:03That's kind of the whole point of being here right now, you know?
00:33:08Why haven't you brought it up?
00:33:09Oh, you mean the pregnancy thing?
00:33:11Yeah
00:33:12What else would I be talking about?
00:33:15CJ
00:33:15CJ
00:33:16What's up?
00:33:19Nothing, CJ
00:33:20What about CJ?
00:33:24Well
00:33:25Me and CJ have been
00:33:28Well, you know
00:33:32No
00:33:34Yeah
00:33:36For a while now
00:33:37I mean, I'm still totally into you
00:33:40Don't take this the wrong way
00:33:42Are you into girls, too?
00:33:47Yeah, I mean
00:33:48Kinda
00:33:50Oh
00:33:51This could be fun
00:33:54So you got my invitation?
00:34:04You mean when you pointed to the door?
00:34:06Yeah, I got that
00:34:08No, I'm good
00:34:13I'm not an expert or anything
00:34:14But I'm
00:34:15Pretty sure that's not good for whatever
00:34:18Might be growing inside of me
00:34:21It's okay, really
00:34:23It's
00:34:23No nicotine or anything like that that's harmful
00:34:26It's just water and vanilla
00:34:28I mixed it myself
00:34:29Oh, jeez, this smells really f***ing good
00:34:37Okay
00:34:38Dang, save some for the fishes
00:34:43You know
00:34:48For the smartest person I know
00:34:51You say some dumb
00:34:52You mean I make jokes
00:34:55Jokes are supposed to be funny
00:34:57You're laughing, aren't you?
00:35:05He's so
00:35:05Put him
00:35:08Shut up
00:35:10So who's the lucky guy?
00:35:29What do you mean?
00:35:31You're a
00:35:32Maybe
00:35:34Baby
00:35:34Daddy
00:35:35Anybody I know?
00:35:37You're one of them
00:35:38Hey
00:35:41What's with the name calling?
00:35:42I don't know
00:35:43What's with the ignorance gimmick?
00:35:45Hey, it's Hilly
00:35:46I thought you knew
00:35:50That you could cross me off the list
00:35:53Wait, why?
00:36:02Really?
00:36:04You got fixed
00:36:05Yeah
00:36:06About years ago
00:36:07Well, okay
00:36:12That, uh
00:36:13Sort of only leaves one option for me
00:36:16Is that the, uh
00:36:18The tall
00:36:19Goofy kid
00:36:21That makes the
00:36:21Ghost movies?
00:36:22Louis
00:36:22Yeah
00:36:23It was
00:36:26Only a couple times a few weeks ago
00:36:28Didn't mean anything
00:36:29Don't take this the wrong way
00:36:32But I really don't give a
00:36:33Just
00:36:36Not care about anything
00:36:38Or what?
00:36:40What do you mean?
00:36:42You've always been
00:36:43Mr. Nothing matters
00:36:44So let's just have fun
00:36:46That's about right
00:36:48Yeah, nothing matters
00:36:49That's true
00:36:50And I do like fun
00:36:51So you're a nihilist
00:36:53Atheist too, I suppose
00:36:55Nihilist, yeah
00:36:56That's pretty accurate
00:36:57And I'd say more agnostic
00:37:00Than atheist
00:37:01But the weird thing is
00:37:02Most people don't understand
00:37:03The difference
00:37:03So what's the point
00:37:09For you then?
00:37:11Well, what's the point for you?
00:37:13Why do you do the things
00:37:15That you do?
00:37:18Do whatever makes me happy
00:37:19I guess
00:37:19Right
00:37:20And you're not thinking about
00:37:22Maybe what this parking lot
00:37:25Is going to look like
00:37:25In 20,000 years
00:37:27Or what your great, great, great, great
00:37:29Grandkids
00:37:30Are going to be watching on TV, right?
00:37:35I guess not
00:37:36Because none of that matters
00:37:39You know, I feel like
00:37:42I've heard this rant
00:37:43From you before
00:37:44The only thing
00:37:46That's significant about us
00:37:48Is how
00:37:48Insignificant we are
00:37:51Uh-oh
00:37:52Is that the line?
00:37:54Yeah, that sounds about right
00:37:55You know, I used to get really depressed
00:38:00When I thought about this kind of stuff
00:38:02I even thought about
00:38:03Punching my own ticket
00:38:03Once or twice
00:38:04They kill themselves?
00:38:07Not killing
00:38:08Although
00:38:09That did cross my mind
00:38:11It seemed like a pretty good option
00:38:12At one point
00:38:13Oh, you're probably not
00:38:14The first one to think that about you
00:38:16Probably not
00:38:18So
00:38:20You ready to be a daddy?
00:38:23Oh, spoiler alert
00:38:24Okay
00:38:27I shaved my
00:38:29What do
00:38:34Have to do with what we're talking about?
00:38:37Oh
00:38:37Really?
00:38:39Mm-hmm
00:38:39Full curly bush
00:38:41Nothing but blanks in the chamber
00:38:43I'm happy to say
00:38:43Well
00:38:46That
00:38:47Is
00:38:48Kind of a relief
00:38:49No offense
00:38:50None taken
00:38:51Whatsoever
00:38:52I think procreation
00:38:54Is the single most
00:38:55Irresponsibly selfish thing
00:38:56A person can do
00:38:57Here we go
00:38:57I'd love to know
00:38:59Where this is going
00:39:00Enlighten us
00:39:02Please mansplain
00:39:03Life
00:39:03The universe
00:39:04And everything
00:39:05Don't panic
00:39:07What?
00:39:11Hitchhikers
00:39:12You're sexy
00:39:14Morally opposed to reproducing
00:39:18It's a black and white thing for me
00:39:21You're a dude
00:39:23Don't you have a survival instinct?
00:39:26I guess you want the whole human race to go extinct, huh?
00:39:29Absolutely
00:39:29Voluntarily even
00:39:31And we're the smartest species on the planet
00:39:33At least we think we are
00:39:34I think it's time we say
00:39:35Future generations
00:39:37And sterilize everybody
00:39:38We don't have to worry about the environment
00:39:41If we know there's not going to be any people here in 200 years
00:39:43I hope you don't own a gun
00:39:45That doesn't make any sense
00:39:47Dolphins are smarter than us
00:39:49And they still procreate
00:39:51I'm guessing that was an accidental hitchhiker's reference
00:39:53It makes you sexier too, huh?
00:39:57Okay
00:39:58Okay, uh
00:40:00Back to
00:40:01This thing about
00:40:03How having kids is
00:40:05The most selfish thing in the world
00:40:06Or whatever
00:40:07I'm following that logic
00:40:09Less than
00:40:10This
00:40:13Two reasons, okay?
00:40:16Number one
00:40:17Adoption
00:40:17You know how many kids need families right now?
00:40:20They get stuck in the system
00:40:21Every time somebody pops out a new kid
00:40:24They're there for life
00:40:25Alright?
00:40:26And reason number two
00:40:27And buckle up for this one
00:40:29Eternity, man
00:40:31Eternity
00:40:32Well, I knew you rode a bike everywhere
00:40:36But I didn't see your white shirt and tie
00:40:38Hiding underneath there, brother Titus
00:40:40Look, I exist
00:40:42You exist
00:40:44The teenagers hiding behind the dumpster
00:40:47They exist, alright?
00:40:48When we die
00:40:49Time doesn't stop
00:40:51Whatever it is
00:40:52We exist forever
00:40:54That just sounds like
00:40:56To me
00:40:56Like something
00:40:58Somebody who wants to know
00:41:00All the answers
00:41:01Makes up to make themselves
00:41:02Feel better
00:41:03I get what you're saying
00:41:04You think?
00:41:06I get panic attacks
00:41:07When I start to think about that
00:41:09When I think about
00:41:10The idea of forever
00:41:14Just
00:41:15I end up feeling like
00:41:18I'm a
00:41:18Black and white
00:41:20Cartoon drawing of myself
00:41:22Curled up in the fetal position
00:41:24In this big
00:41:25Expansive white room
00:41:27And the room
00:41:29Keeps getting bigger
00:41:31And bigger
00:41:32And I just keep getting
00:41:35More and more
00:41:36Scared
00:41:37When I have panic attacks
00:41:41It's usually
00:41:42Someone's gonna break in this window
00:41:43And kill me if I fall asleep tonight
00:41:45That's pretty much what I'm talking about
00:41:47The black and white cartoon thing
00:41:49Or the window murder thing
00:41:50The forever thing
00:41:52You know
00:41:52It doesn't matter if what we get
00:41:54Is eternal happiness
00:41:55Or
00:41:56Eternal damnation
00:41:57Whatever it is
00:41:58It is forever
00:41:59We didn't have a choice
00:42:00I don't know if I'm okay with that
00:42:02And you don't want to be the one
00:42:04To make that choice
00:42:05For a brand new person
00:42:06Bingo
00:42:07What if you are okay with it?
00:42:13I imagine you'd be okay
00:42:15Making that choice
00:42:15For somebody else too
00:42:16Okay
00:42:18Well uh
00:42:19Thanks for the chat
00:42:20And for shooting blanks
00:42:23Anytime
00:42:24Anytime
00:42:28Shand
00:42:36I can't really do this
00:42:40What?
00:42:41Jump in
00:42:41What the hell?
00:42:42CJ
00:42:43Dude
00:42:44What's your deal?
00:42:46I'm not cool with this
00:42:48I don't know why you would assume I would be
00:42:50You're not cool with me making out with the guy you've been making out with behind my back?
00:42:56Right
00:42:56He seems to be pretty cool with it
00:42:58And I'm not cool with that either
00:43:00I'm sorry
00:43:01I'm sorry
00:43:02Shut up CJ
00:43:03I don't know why you're not cool with that
00:43:05Look
00:43:05You have to decide right now
00:43:07If you're a cheating
00:43:08If you're a cheating
00:43:08Or wheel number two
00:43:09In this three wheel
00:43:10Machine
00:43:11Why does he get to be wheel number one?
00:43:16I'm wheel number one
00:43:17Oh
00:43:18Duh
00:43:19Well I never said I wanted this triad thing here
00:43:22So you just wanted an extra boyfriend?
00:43:25Extra doesn't seem like the right word
00:43:27So you get to bone Mr. Winterhat in the summertime and I don't?
00:43:31That's what you're saying
00:43:31Well
00:43:32And I'm guessing you don't want me to bang other dudes or girls on the side, right?
00:43:38Well I guess it didn't think of it like that
00:43:41Wait, were you just gonna straight up break up with me?
00:43:45No
00:43:46Definitely not that
00:43:48So you just wanted an
00:43:51Extra boyfriend
00:43:53Yeah
00:43:54I guess that was the right word
00:43:57Not cool man
00:43:59Sharing
00:44:00Caring
00:44:01It's like
00:44:02The old school in the world
00:44:03We'd make weird parents
00:44:07Our parents were pretty weird too
00:44:09Shut up CJ
00:44:11We drink if we have done it
00:44:17Or if we haven't done it
00:44:19No, no, no
00:44:20You drink if your parents have not done it
00:44:25Okay, I guess I'll go first
00:44:29Alright
00:44:31My parents
00:44:33Oh, I know
00:44:36One time my parents gave me counterfeit money to buy my lunch at school
00:44:40Yeah, there's a lot you don't know about dad
00:44:45I think I can top that
00:44:47One time my mom broke into the trophy store and stole me a soccer trophy just because I didn't make the all-star team
00:44:54Oh, that's so sad
00:44:56Okay, quick reminder, we don't have legal immunity here so let's not try to incriminate anyone
00:45:01Uh, I don't have parents
00:45:05Brody, you definitely do have parents
00:45:09What?
00:45:10I don't know, my parents are pretty great
00:45:14Oh
00:45:14Blame, come on
00:45:17Boring
00:45:17Boring
00:45:18So, do we drink if we did have great parents or if we didn't have great parents?
00:45:27Way to go, guy
00:45:28You broke your own game
00:45:29Thanks
00:45:30Okay
00:45:31My dad
00:45:32Did stab a guy once in a Chili's
00:45:36What?
00:45:37Excuse me?
00:45:38Alright
00:45:38Well, it was with a fork and it was on accident
00:45:40How do you stab a fork in an accident in a fork?
00:45:44That's awesome
00:45:45Shit, Dylan, just shut up
00:45:48Okay, who's next?
00:45:54So it's just 3-2 on the east side with a hot tub
00:45:57Took us four months to get all the scuzz and all the leftover, you know
00:46:00I mean, they shot movies there, so there's a whole bunch of cleaning to do
00:46:03Dylan, my man
00:46:06Hey, congrats
00:46:08Oh, I don't think that's really
00:46:10It's awesome
00:46:11I would never, ever have a kid, but for you, that is so cool
00:46:18It's possible that there's probably like
00:46:21You know what, actually, I gotta split
00:46:24Um, why don't we talk Monday about the writing thing
00:46:27I mean, obviously, we can't bring you back full-time to the LA office, but
00:46:31You know, maybe some freelance
00:46:33Oh, well, hang on, I, I, actually
00:46:35Titus, as always
00:46:36Laters
00:46:38But I
00:46:38Dude, what part of no booze for the maybe-pregnant people don't you get?
00:46:50Relax
00:46:50It's just Mountain Dew
00:46:52You guys are just doing shots of Mountain Dew?
00:46:55Yeah
00:46:56I'm not gonna waste booze on Dylan
00:46:58That guy's a f***ing tool
00:47:00Everything cool?
00:47:17No
00:47:18No, nothing's cool
00:47:20You're pretty cool
00:47:23Good pep talk
00:47:26You should be a football coach
00:47:28Half-time could be like 90 seconds long
00:47:31I hate football
00:47:32How are you not freaking the f*** out?
00:47:37I don't get it
00:47:38I don't freak out
00:47:41I just don't
00:47:42I'm sorry
00:47:44I do freak out
00:47:52And I'm not sorry
00:47:53You know
00:47:58I don't think I've heard anyone
00:48:01Ask any of you
00:48:02What you even want
00:48:04What?
00:48:07Do you want to be pregnant?
00:48:08F***ing no
00:48:11Sorry, I don't have anything against kids
00:48:16You're not gonna offend me
00:48:19Do you think I wanted kids?
00:48:21F***ing no
00:48:22I'm a happy member of the Accidental Parent Club
00:48:26At least you're a happy member
00:48:28I thought
00:48:29You guys planned it
00:48:30You know
00:48:31Who gets married freshman year
00:48:32And doesn't want kids
00:48:33No
00:48:34We both had pretty
00:48:35Sh*** parents growing up
00:48:37So
00:48:37We were kind of on the same page
00:48:39As far as kids went
00:48:40Our instinct was to
00:48:42Have a bunch of them
00:48:43And be like
00:48:44Better parents than ours were
00:48:46Like we would reset the balance
00:48:48In the world
00:48:49If we produced some level-headed offspring
00:48:51That had their s*** together
00:48:52So you did want to have kids?
00:48:56No
00:48:56That's what our instinct was
00:48:58Our logical conclusion was
00:49:01We'd be a whole lot happier
00:49:02If we just focused on making ourselves
00:49:05Into level-headed
00:49:06Well-adjusted
00:49:07Members of society instead
00:49:09And what changed?
00:49:12We got married when we were 19
00:49:14And had a lot of s***
00:49:17S*** that happens
00:49:19Babies happen soon after
00:49:22Good pep talk
00:49:25You're almost as good as Shannon
00:49:27Oh, I think she wants you to join her football team
00:49:30I would never let my children play football
00:49:34I don't see how this is supposed to help
00:49:36Shouldn't you be telling us about how
00:49:38When you had your kid
00:49:39Looked it in the eyes
00:49:41You said it
00:49:43Gwendolyn is a girl
00:49:45Yes
00:49:46Sorry
00:49:47Gwendolyn
00:49:48When you looked her in the eyes
00:49:51Didn't you
00:49:52Have an epiphany that
00:49:54Turned your whole world upside down
00:49:56And made you into a different person
00:49:58God
00:49:59Whenever people talk like that
00:50:01It sounds like they're trying to sell me
00:50:02On who to vote for
00:50:03I'm not really an evangelist
00:50:08For reproducing
00:50:10But I definitely know
00:50:12What you're talking about
00:50:13Yeah
00:50:14Yeah
00:50:16That does kind of happen
00:50:17Gwendolyn
00:50:19Was an accident
00:50:20But I'll never
00:50:22Call her
00:50:22A mistake
00:50:23More importantly
00:50:25You'll figure your s*** out
00:50:28I know you well enough to know
00:50:30That when you want something
00:50:31You make it happen
00:50:32Just stop thinking about this
00:50:34Like it's something happening to you
00:50:36Figure out what you want to make out of it
00:50:38And make it so
00:50:39Gwendolyn
00:50:42Is that from Harry Potter?
00:50:45No
00:50:46The most haunted school bus in the world
00:50:50There you go, bud
00:50:51We gotta get you a drink
00:50:52To help make it for the whole
00:50:53You know what I said in from earlier
00:50:55The beers are free
00:50:57Your point?
00:51:01Whatever
00:51:02Oh, come on, man
00:51:08Will you show me something?
00:51:09I mean, did they
00:51:09Find anything in this episode?
00:51:12Well
00:51:13Actually
00:51:14There is this weird shadow thing
00:51:17And the producers didn't include it
00:51:19In their notes
00:51:20And the crew doesn't know about it
00:51:22So
00:51:22I don't know what the hell it is
00:51:24Holy s***, dude
00:51:25That's a disembodied demonic shadow figure
00:51:29Or
00:51:30It could be
00:51:31Just some kind of like
00:51:33Video
00:51:34Three frames
00:51:34Three frames
00:51:37Is that significant?
00:51:38Is that significant?
00:51:40Is it?
00:51:41Dude, three is the magic number
00:51:42It's mocking the Trinity, man
00:51:44This is
00:51:44This is f***ing gold, man
00:51:47Or
00:51:47It could just be a glitch
00:51:49Caused by dropping
00:51:5024 frame video
00:51:51Into a 30 frame broadcast
00:51:53Glitches
00:51:53Do not have horns
00:51:55I love ghost wars
00:51:56Disembodied demonic shadow figure
00:52:00F*** yeah
00:52:01Brody
00:52:06Dude
00:52:06Don't say anything
00:52:08No, I'm not saying that I don't
00:52:22Support abortion
00:52:24I didn't say that
00:52:25Uh, I'm
00:52:26Obviously
00:52:26It just doesn't
00:52:28Or hasn't affected my life
00:52:30You know?
00:52:30Yeah
00:52:31What was the word that you used?
00:52:32Obsolete
00:52:33Uh, I mean
00:52:35Yeah
00:52:36Isn't it obsolete?
00:52:38Like, you have the morning after pill now
00:52:39It's like the same thing
00:52:41Brody
00:52:41Brody
00:52:42Brody
00:52:43What's more complicated than that?
00:52:45Tons
00:52:45Yeah
00:52:46Wendy out there
00:52:47Had the same idea
00:52:48Obsolete kind of lost its edge
00:52:49When this
00:52:50Pharmacist wouldn't even sell it to her
00:52:52Well, because he
00:52:52Didn't have it
00:52:54Or he
00:52:55Wouldn't
00:52:56Wouldn't
00:52:57Yeah
00:52:58Dude, I bet he's fine
00:53:01With people buying booze
00:53:02And chocolate
00:53:03And R-rated
00:53:04Movies
00:53:04And
00:53:04You know
00:53:07The stuff that leads
00:53:08To baby making
00:53:09Oh
00:53:11Yeah, you're right
00:53:14Uh
00:53:14For us
00:53:16It was
00:53:17Schnapps
00:53:18And
00:53:19M&M's
00:53:20And
00:53:20Lethal Weapon 2
00:53:22Oh
00:53:22So close
00:53:23Lethal Weapon
00:53:25Three
00:53:29Bingo
00:53:30He's fine with all of that
00:53:33And if he thinks it's cool
00:53:34To interject himself
00:53:36Into my
00:53:36Situation
00:53:38Him
00:53:39Maybe because he can't interject himself
00:53:41Into any situations at all
00:53:43Am I right?
00:53:44I'm glad you think this is funny
00:53:45I look forward to seeing you on the male privilege comedy tour
00:53:48I'm sorry
00:53:53I didn't mean to snap at you
00:53:55I'm just
00:53:55I want to get him back
00:53:57F*** that guy
00:53:58Revenge
00:54:01Justice
00:54:03I love this girl
00:54:05I love this girl
00:54:05She's not even the one he f***ed over
00:54:07Oh
00:54:09So
00:54:16So
00:54:17So
00:54:19I have an idea
00:54:21I like ideas
00:54:24So if you're
00:54:29Pregnant
00:54:30If
00:54:32Then
00:54:34I'm the father
00:54:36Yep
00:54:38That doesn't scare the s*** out of you?
00:54:48No
00:54:49I don't know
00:54:50Should it?
00:54:53Probably
00:54:54Unless you did this on purpose
00:54:57No
00:54:57No
00:54:57No
00:54:57No
00:54:58I did not do this on purpose
00:55:00We used a condom
00:55:01Remember?
00:55:02Yeah
00:55:02About that
00:55:03I guess
00:55:07I just always assumed
00:55:12That it would happen
00:55:14One way or another
00:55:15Yeah me too
00:55:18I think most people assume that I don't want kids
00:55:21I kind of don't hate the idea
00:55:24You'd be a cool mom
00:55:29Yeah
00:55:30Yeah
00:55:32Your kids would come out with an R rating straight out of the womb
00:55:35For
00:55:36For language
00:55:37Not for
00:55:38Content
00:55:39Or anything weird like that
00:55:41That's
00:55:42Not the s*** part about what you said
00:55:44Of course my kids are gonna cuss like
00:55:47Sailors
00:55:48But we're not just talking about
00:55:51My imaginary kids
00:55:53Yeah
00:55:55Yeah
00:55:56We're talking about
00:55:57Our imaginary kids
00:55:59So
00:56:07You'd go through with it?
00:56:13Yeah
00:56:13Yeah I think I would
00:56:16And
00:56:18You and me
00:56:20We'd um
00:56:22Get
00:56:23Watch out my dad's coming up behind you with a shotgun
00:56:26No
00:56:28We're not getting married
00:56:30Right
00:56:31Nope
00:56:32I know
00:56:32I'm cool
00:56:33Baby steps Romeo
00:56:35Maybe steps
00:56:38Watch
00:56:39Yeah
00:56:40When I was a junior at UT I had a close call like this once
00:56:53I was super late
00:56:58Like
00:56:58Three months late
00:57:01Insanely late
00:57:02I'll just have to take your word on that
00:57:06It's called a monthly for a reason
00:57:09Oh
00:57:10No sisters?
00:57:13Only child
00:57:14Oh figures
00:57:15Well
00:57:17Mine was
00:57:18Reliable as f***
00:57:20For like ever
00:57:21Until this
00:57:22I didn't even realize how f***ing late I was
00:57:26Because I was so stressed out about this thing with
00:57:28The kid
00:57:29At the school
00:57:31Stress
00:57:33Can make you
00:57:34Miss a period?
00:57:36And what was the thing with
00:57:38The kid?
00:57:40Yes
00:57:40You can miss a period
00:57:43From stress
00:57:44And
00:57:45Then it can make you go nuts
00:57:47When you realize how late you are
00:57:48Stress rules
00:57:50It's my favorite
00:57:51That sucks
00:57:53But you're dodging this thing about the kid
00:57:57Ash hasn't told you this story?
00:58:00I thought she told everybody
00:58:01No
00:58:02All Ash and I ever talk about is pro wrestling
00:58:05What?
00:58:07Yeah
00:58:07She's a big fan
00:58:08Shut up
00:58:10Yeah
00:58:10Well Brody's the real fan
00:58:12But I partake
00:58:13Oh s***
00:58:15That's what she means by fake underwear fighting?
00:58:19Yeah
00:58:20Oh wow
00:58:23That makes so much more sense now
00:58:24Totally ruins what I thought she meant
00:58:28But I guess at least it makes sense
00:58:30But you're dodging the thing about the kid again
00:58:33Oh yeah
00:58:34Okay
00:58:35I was about a year from graduating
00:58:38And I was doing my student teaching at that elementary school by the river
00:58:42You were going to be a teacher?
00:58:45Yep
00:58:45I did not know that about you
00:58:48Yeah well until
00:58:50The kid
00:58:51Um
00:58:54So it was
00:58:55Just a normal
00:58:57Day in the classroom
00:58:58No fist fights
00:58:59No
00:59:00Wood chips covering vomit
00:59:03You know none of the
00:59:04Nightmare scenarios that I'd run through my head
00:59:07I was just
00:59:08In the back of the room
00:59:10Grading papers
00:59:11Minding my own business
00:59:13Okay
00:59:15Then
00:59:17Out of nowhere
00:59:19This kid calls me mom
00:59:22So he comes up to me
00:59:25And he's like
00:59:25Hey mom
00:59:26And almost immediately
00:59:29I look him
00:59:29Right in the eyes
00:59:31And scream
00:59:33No
00:59:33And when you say scream
00:59:37You mean
00:59:38Oh I mean scream
00:59:39In the most textbook definition of the word
00:59:42Like Wes Craven approved
00:59:44If it's any consolation
00:59:50I get called ma'am a lot
00:59:51In line at Target
00:59:52What?
00:59:54Yeah
00:59:54I
00:59:55I don't know why
00:59:56It just
00:59:57It happened more around Christmas for some reason
00:59:59I don't see it
01:00:01So that's why you dropped out of school?
01:00:08I think so
01:00:09It seems so involuntary looking back
01:00:13I just
01:00:15I walked out
01:00:16I dropped out
01:00:17And I just
01:00:19Kind of became a different person
01:00:21A new person
01:00:25That's not
01:00:26No
01:00:26No
01:00:28No
01:00:29Um
01:00:30That's the most interesting dropout story I've ever heard
01:00:34I do
01:00:35Worry about that kid
01:00:36And whether I made it to the bus though
01:00:38I'm sure the nice old janitor with the glass eye saved the day
01:00:43Have you thought about any names?
01:00:52Lewis Jr
01:00:53Really?
01:00:56No
01:00:57God
01:00:57Narcissist
01:00:59No
01:00:59I've had names on deck for years
01:01:01Oh
01:01:02Sorry bud
01:01:03Yeah
01:01:04But you're not so terrified of being called mom
01:01:06That you wouldn't set aside a few names
01:01:08I think those are the kids that Roxy threw out earlier
01:01:15Should we tell her?
01:01:18Nah
01:01:18Jesus
01:01:19I got this
01:01:20Hey
01:01:21Lewis Jr
01:01:22Is a great name
01:01:23For a girl
01:01:25God
01:01:27God
01:01:28If you don't have a good plan
01:01:37I'm just gonna go in there and egg him
01:01:39Egg him?
01:01:41Like egg a house?
01:01:42Yeah
01:01:42Yeah
01:01:43They sell TP here too
01:01:44So I might mummify that
01:01:45Mind me not to piss you off on Halloween
01:01:48How do we tell which car is his?
01:01:53His computer truck
01:01:54Okay Batman
01:01:56How'd you decipher that one?
01:01:58Because the only other car here
01:02:00Is about to leave
01:02:02Oh
01:02:04There you go Sherlock
01:02:06I thought it was Batman
01:02:08Fine you can be Batman
01:02:11Good
01:02:12Follow me
01:02:14What was that?
01:02:18That was my Batman
01:02:19Well
01:02:24Okay
01:02:25Yeah
01:02:27Yeah
01:02:27Oh
01:02:28Yeah
01:02:28Okay
01:02:29Yeah
01:02:29Yeah
01:02:33Alright
01:02:33Yeah
01:02:33Yeah
01:02:34Yeah
01:02:34Yeah
01:02:35Great
01:02:36Yeah
01:02:36Yeah
01:02:36Yeah
01:02:37Yeah
01:02:37I
01:02:38Yeah
01:02:39Yeah
01:02:39Who
01:02:40Well
01:02:42There
01:02:42That's
01:02:43Yeah
01:02:44Yeah
01:02:45Hell
01:02:46Yeah
01:02:46I
01:02:47This will do the trick.
01:03:04Oh, grab the one with the gorilla on it instead.
01:03:06Because you like gorillas?
01:03:09No, dumbass.
01:03:10Because this one is for plastic and that one's for metal.
01:03:14Oh.
01:03:15Good call.
01:03:16House?
01:03:17House.
01:03:19Yeah, like, we're doing the whole genius detective nickname thing on Batman.
01:03:25House in the room.
01:03:25Oh, House.
01:03:27A TV show that's an adaptation of Sherlock, which I already used.
01:03:32Really?
01:03:35Wilson is Watson, isn't he?
01:03:36Watch it again from the beginning.
01:03:37It will blow your mind.
01:03:39Oh, my God.
01:03:41Dude, where are you going?
01:03:43To the registers.
01:03:44No.
01:03:45Let's make him do it himself.
01:03:49Oh, I like that a lot.
01:03:59Can I help you?
01:04:01Just this, please.
01:04:02Young lady, unless you're picking up a prescription, you're going to have to pay for that up front.
01:04:08Um, actually, I was thinking of picking up a pack of razors, and since you have to open the case, anyway, if you could just check out back here.
01:04:16All righty.
01:04:19Uh, the blue ones, if you don't mind.
01:04:29Let's see.
01:04:30That'll be, uh, 1149.
01:04:33All righty.
01:04:41Y'all have a good night.
01:04:44Oh, we will.
01:04:50Oh, the f***.
01:04:52We probably just have to, like, pierce it.
01:04:54Just take the cap off, turn it upside down, punch the thing, turn it back around.
01:04:58It's good to go.
01:04:58What?
01:05:00That doesn't make any f***ing sense.
01:05:03Oh.
01:05:05Batman wins again.
01:05:08Batman always wins.
01:05:17We should have got two of these.
01:05:19Well, you don't have enough to put on his trunk lock?
01:05:21I don't think we need to worry about that, because trucks don't have trunks.
01:05:26All right, all right.
01:05:27But it'll be funny s*** if he has to go in through his back window.
01:05:29Yeah, I guess.
01:05:30All right, come on, let's go.
01:05:39Hi, uh, the, uh, pharmacy department, please.
01:05:43Yes.
01:05:47Hi.
01:05:47Yeah, are you the, uh, owner of the pewter truck out in the parking lot?
01:05:54You are?
01:05:54Oh, great.
01:05:55Listen, uh, I was just walking by, and I saw something that didn't look natural, uh, coming
01:06:00out of it.
01:06:01I thought you should know.
01:06:03Yeah, it was like some, like, uh, like fireworks or something.
01:06:05I don't know.
01:06:06I just, it seemed like it was kind of important that you might want to check on it.
01:06:09Okay, yeah, thanks.
01:06:10Have a good night.
01:06:10We should have worked on that pitch a little bit more, because, uh, uh, it was some kind
01:06:21of a fireworks show.
01:06:22Wow.
01:06:23Yeah, I don't know.
01:06:24Like, I figured, like, tell them whatever would make me want to come out and check my
01:06:27car, and fireworks would do that.
01:06:30Okay, um, excuse me, sir, there's a family of raccoons living in your car.
01:06:34You should probably check that out.
01:06:36Or, hello, sir, I think I just saw a bunch of teenagers steal your car stereo.
01:06:40Anything other than what you said would have been so much better.
01:06:44I don't think it's going to work, do you?
01:06:46Oh, you're off the hook.
01:06:49You took the bait.
01:06:50Okay.
01:06:50Defeated by ubiquitous technology, we somehow forgot existed.
01:07:20Sorry I suck so bad at vengeance.
01:07:28Not vengeance.
01:07:30Justice.
01:07:34No, you're right.
01:07:35Bad timing.
01:07:35We should probably, you know, the whole wait for the pregnancy thing.
01:07:38No, no, that's not it.
01:07:39We're still doing this.
01:07:41Then what?
01:07:44He didn't relock his truck.
01:07:50Oh, hey, Mike.
01:07:57Uh, can you take this case of beer out back?
01:08:04Sure.
01:08:05Where out back?
01:08:07Just right outside.
01:08:09Uh, okay.
01:08:16Okay.
01:08:31Oh.
01:08:32Oh, mother fuck.
01:08:33Oh, Mike, what the hell?
01:08:34Did you kill another kid?
01:08:36Oh.
01:08:37Another one.
01:08:37Hey, no, don't bother calling 911.
01:08:40Dear God.
01:08:40We'll just hide the body like we did last.
01:08:42Hide the body.
01:08:43No!
01:08:43My God, what the fuck?
01:08:44It's a zombie.
01:08:46It's not a zombie.
01:08:47It's just a bunch of kids.
01:08:50We're going to be drinking a bunch of ice cold dish water.
01:08:58Dish water?
01:08:59Oh, yeah.
01:09:01Uh, from the back in the tub, I filled a bunch of empty bottles with it.
01:09:06That's straight moonshine.
01:09:12I make moonshine in them tubs.
01:09:14Why didn't it smell like moonshine?
01:09:24Because I make it right.
01:09:27Hmm.
01:09:29Ew.
01:09:44Hey.
01:09:46Where's everybody this party supposed to be for?
01:09:49It's almost midnight.
01:09:51I'll go find them.
01:09:58Who the fuck are you guys?
01:10:01Uh, we're the open mic performers.
01:10:05Then why are you not performing?
01:10:07There's no mic.
01:10:09We kind of need one.
01:10:10I'll find you a microphone.
01:10:19I think it's time for my playlist.
01:10:21I bet you can tell my looking.
01:10:24guitar solo
01:10:54guitar solo
01:11:24guitar solo
01:11:54moment of truth
01:11:58we're doing cold brew this time around
01:12:00FYI
01:12:01oh thank god
01:12:02remember Shan
01:12:03I know
01:12:04just pay on the target
01:12:05no
01:12:07I was gonna say
01:12:09remember I'll be here for you no matter what
01:12:11no you weren't
01:12:14go away
01:12:21we'll be here for you no matter what
01:12:42See
01:12:55It's what I need
01:13:02It's what I need
01:13:09It's what I need
01:13:14It's what I need
01:13:19It's what I need
01:13:30Come on Udo, you can do it
01:13:34He's not gonna do it, no way
01:13:36Not with that attitude
01:13:38Okay, then everybody make a wish, alright?
01:13:42No
01:13:51No bark on this one, Uncle Dave
01:13:53Vomit-free
01:13:55Yes
01:13:57Yes
01:13:58Thank you
01:14:10Hi buddy
01:14:12Here comes some vitamins
01:14:15No baby stuffy cake dude
01:14:17What are you talking about?
01:14:18This is almost chemically identical to breast milk
01:14:21I saw a lot of mickbusters, that's kind of true
01:14:23He's gross
01:14:25He's gross
01:14:26Yeah, he's so gross
01:14:28I never thought I'd say a lot of it
01:14:30Yeah, most people say that about ugly babies too
01:14:41Chill
01:14:42Yeah
01:14:43Okay, you little stinker
01:15:01It's time to get you back to your mama
01:15:03Yes
01:15:04Yes
01:15:11Tell me what's behind the curtain
01:15:15And it opens on
01:15:18No one
01:15:19Do we even have a clue
01:15:23That isn't on the door
01:15:26Number two
01:15:29There's a whole thing
01:15:33In summer time
01:15:35Contemplating what might be
01:15:39While others hesitate to rise
01:15:43In terror, mercy, and joy of the glory
01:15:48Though all out of sight
01:15:52Is too slow as anything
01:15:54Our new reality is as real as we can
01:16:02Tell me what's behind the curtain
01:16:08Who an open door, number one
01:16:13Do we even have a clue
01:16:17How it is a door, number two
01:16:22Eyes, lips, and fun
01:16:25And all my number one
01:16:30What can we do
01:16:34And all my love is here
01:16:39When something's become what they are
01:16:47And it's in this magic
01:16:52Or whatever you are
01:16:54And let you just repeat
01:17:00The way you want to know
01:17:04Sometimes we tell you
01:17:09Until we know
01:17:34Until we know
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