- 4 months ago
coming of age dailymotion
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00I'm not gay. I'm actually not gay!
00:08How long till I take the bandage off?
00:11Three weeks.
00:13Oh, I can't wait that long. Come here.
00:16No!
00:18All we wanna do is, all we wanna do is, all we wanna do is, oh
00:22Love me, love me!
00:24All we wanna do is, all we wanna do is, all we wanna do is, oh
00:28We wanna do is, all we wanna do is, all we wanna do is...
00:43Banging party, mate.
00:45Pity the others didn't make it.
00:47We didn't invite them.
00:48Just me, then? I'm your favourite? I feel so special.
00:51We didn't invite you, either. You just turned up!
00:53Yeah, mate, it's great to see you, but i'd really appreciate if we could have some
00:57I get what you're saying, Chloe piss off would you sweetheart me and Matt and I'd be alone
01:04Just go Darren, okay. I've had ten Stellas as it is better be getting the car back
01:10What if you get pulled over I've got a trick to get me off
01:15I suck the coppers
01:19Disgusting some policemen are so corrupt
01:21I make coppers small change pennies and they neutralize the alcohol in your breath who told you that be driving instructor
01:31He's an excellent bloke
01:33You should buy me drink. I will do mate when he gets out
01:40Alone at last look got us dinner
01:44Matt I'm not eating that. Do you know what goes into that kebab meat? It's reconstituted gristle bone and bits of brain
01:53I know. Tasty
01:55Matt
01:56Come here
01:57Get off me, you smell rank
01:59If you don't sort out the way you eat then I'm not going out with you
02:03Matt
02:04you
02:04Truth
02:04Have got you?
02:07Ugh, should we get over it?
02:09All we wanna do is who, all we wanna do is who, all we...
02:16CAR BABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABABRI
02:19Looking good, Jezza
02:21HE HE HE!
02:25HE HE HE HE HE!
02:26HE HE HE..
02:27I love you
02:29part with the National Youth Theatre. I'm going to be in the Rocky Horror Show. I'm
02:32going to London. Jazz hands.
02:36Well done, Jazz. I knew you'd do it.
02:40All right, let's get packing.
02:47I've got everything we need.
02:55Right, but the thing is, Ollie, I'm going to London on my own.
02:58What? But without me, you'll never be able to order a taxi. I've got the technique.
03:05Taxi!
03:07I'm really good.
03:09I think I can just about order a taxi.
03:14Taxi?
03:15Let's face it, Ollie, with legs and hair and tits like these, I'm never going to have to
03:20get on a bus again. And jazz hands!
03:24I was really looking forward to it. I saw his Jezza. He's got his own suitcase.
03:28Yeah.
03:31All of Sinclair and I are ready to go anywhere and any time. As long as it isn't to France.
03:40He's not a real person. You do realise that?
03:43Shh! He'll hear you.
03:45I don't know what I'm going to do without you.
03:54Masturbate.
03:55Juke hands.
04:00I'll only be gone for two months. It'll be all right.
04:03But without me there, you won't get any sex.
04:05Yeah, Ollie. Without you there, I, a star of London's West End, won't get any sex.
04:13I don't want you to go.
04:15Sorry, Ollie, but this is an opportunity of a lifetime. I'm going to be famous.
04:20I might need those.
04:31Looks like it's just me and you, Jez.
04:34Jez hands!
04:35I'm going to be famous.
04:36I'm going to be famous.
04:37I'm going to be famous.
04:38I'm going to be famous.
04:39I'm going to be famous.
04:40I'm going to be famous.
04:41I'm going to be famous.
04:42I'm going to be famous.
04:43I'm going to be famous.
04:44I'm going to be famous.
04:45I'm going to be famous.
04:46I'm going to be famous.
04:47I'm going to be famous.
04:48I'm going to be famous.
04:49I'm going to be famous.
04:50I'm going to be famous.
04:51I'm going to be famous.
04:52I'm going to be famous.
04:53I'm going to be famous.
04:54I'm going to be famous.
04:55I'm going to be famous.
04:56I'm going to be famous.
04:57I'm going to be famous.
04:58I'm going to be famous.
04:59Excuse me, sir.
05:29Well, why are you travelling on the wrong side of the road under five miles an hour?
05:37Sorry?
05:43Still didn't quite catch that.
05:48Right, I want you to step out of the vehicle and blow into this.
05:59You've got something in your mouth, sir?
06:03You're not sucking coins, are you?
06:06Because if you are, that never works.
06:10What?
06:11There's no business like show business like no business I know.
06:25Step!
06:26Kick!
06:27So what do you think of that?
06:32Sorry, I wasn't looking.
06:36I'm going to London.
06:37Oh no, you poor thing.
06:39What?
06:40London's a very dangerous place.
06:43According to my gran who reads the Daily Mail, 50% of visitors to London are killed in the first three hours.
06:49Yeah, I'm really excited about it, but Ollie's really upset.
06:53He's worried he might lose me forever.
06:55And he probably will.
06:56According to my gran who reads the Daily Mail, 65% of female visitors to London become prostitutes on the first night.
07:04I'd only be gone for two months unless I get famous and marry David Tennant.
07:10The doctor isn't going to marry you.
07:13We'd be good together.
07:14He may look small on the outside, but I'll bet you he feels pretty big on the inside.
07:23What are we going to do about Ollie?
07:24When Mummy and Daddy go away because of work, they always give me a memory box.
07:29I didn't know your parents worked abroad.
07:31They don't.
07:32They have an office at the bottom of the garden, but it's quite a long garden and they get worried I might miss them.
07:36Right.
07:38What's a memory box?
07:39This.
07:40It's full of lots of little things to help me remember them when I feel sad.
07:45So we have a rock because they're my rock.
07:49A rose because I'm their rose.
07:52And if I need someone to talk to, Mummy and Daddy bears.
07:58Hello, pumpkin. Mummy's here.
08:00Hello, princess. We love you so much.
08:03Hello, Mummy. Hello, Daddy. Miss you.
08:06Right.
08:10So, how are things with Matt?
08:12Awful.
08:13I told him I won't go out with him until he stops stuffing himself with greasy meat.
08:17Why?
08:18Because I'm worried if I do go out with him, we'll fall completely in love and we'll get married and everything will be perfect until Matt dies at 40 due to sky-high cholesterol.
08:26And I'll end up a tragic old widow completely alone except for hundreds of cats.
08:29And when I die, nobody will notice until several weeks later when the smell causes someone to investigate and they find my body being feasted upon by the pets I used to call my friends.
08:37I see.
08:41Well, tell Matt you'll only go out with him if he promises to detox.
08:44That's easier said than done. How can I make sure he doesn't carry on eating badly behind my back?
08:49Easy. Check his poo.
08:53Yuck!
08:54I do it on diet doctors all the time. I sometimes check Ollie's poo.
08:59Why?
09:00No real reason. I'll just get very bored.
09:06I suppose it could work. I'll just have to face the music.
09:10And dance!
09:12Five.
09:13Five.
09:14Six.
09:15Seven.
09:16Eight.
09:17Step.
09:18Kick.
09:19Point.
09:20Split.
09:21All we wanna do is, all we wanna do is, all we wanna do is, all we wanna do is, all we wanna do is, all we wanna do is, all we wanna do is, oh.
09:27Oh, God.
09:29What am I gonna do about jazz? I don't want her to leave me.
09:32You just need to convince her that Abingdon's as exciting as London.
09:35There is nothing exciting about Abingdon.
09:38You've got a travelling freak show.
09:39It's called a mobile library.
09:43And Miss Padgett isn't a freak, she's a, a bearded lady.
09:48It doesn't count.
09:50There's me.
09:51What's exciting about you?
09:53I'm going green.
09:55Look.
09:58Why?
10:00Maybe it's because I swallowed all them coins.
10:02You've probably got copper poisoning.
10:04It's great, innit?
10:06You think my tongue's impressive? You should see me cock.
10:10I really don't wanna see you.
10:11No, no, no, no, no.
10:19Oh, my God.
10:21Stunning, ain't it?
10:22I'm gonna show the girls at college.
10:24Finally, Darren Caramore is gonna get laid.
10:27Or jailed.
10:28Yo, yo, ladies.
10:29Mr K is in the house.
10:31Boom, chicka, boom, chicka, boom.
10:32Check it out now.
10:33Listen up, ladies.
10:34Forget about working.
10:35Because DK's in town with his monster love gherkin.
10:36I'm smooth, I'm sexy, I'm fine.
10:38The ladies can't resist a taste of my shag brand.
10:40So take a dip from me, bruh, if you want a bag of honey.
10:43Just reach into your pocket and swallow some money.
10:44Because any biatch will be compliant with a bloke whose pants packed the jolly green giant Balamori.
10:54Chloe, look.
10:55This is healthy.
10:57Sweet corn.
10:58This is rubbish, Matt.
11:00Rubbish, rubbish, rubbish!
11:03Look.
11:05I've prepared this computer presentation to show you what will happen if you don't change your eating habits.
11:11This is you now.
11:13And this is you when you're 40.
11:22This is you when you're 45.
11:28What do you want me to do?
11:30Detox.
11:31Completely cut out the rubbish.
11:33But when I'm around junk food, I can't get my hands to myself.
11:35I'm like a priest in a primary school.
11:38For me, please.
11:39If you do, I'll go out with you.
11:40Okay, I'll do it.
11:41Yay, thanks, Matt.
11:42So, I need to see your poo at two o'clock tomorrow afternoon.
11:46Why?
11:47So I can tell if you're sticking to the plan.
11:49Don't worry, Chloe.
11:50I'll do it.
11:51I'll do it.
11:52Yay, thanks, Matt.
11:53So, I need to see your poo at two o'clock tomorrow afternoon.
11:55Why?
11:56So I can tell if you're sticking to the plan.
11:57Don't worry, Chloe.
11:58You can trust me.
11:59I know.
12:00So, if at two o'clock tomorrow afternoon your poo pleases me, I will kiss you.
12:07Come on.
12:08We'll be late for college.
12:13Mama!
12:14Mama!
12:15Mama!
12:16Mama!
12:17Mama!
12:18Mama!
12:19Mama!
12:20Mama!
12:21Oh.
12:22Right, ladies.
12:23Have a look at this.
12:24Who wants me first?
12:29Me.
12:37Jasmine, I know you want a glamorous life,
12:40but you don't have to go to London to get it.
12:43I've made the shed glamorous instead.
12:45Ta-da!
12:48A bit of ball?
12:49Yeah, and...
12:52a stage!
12:54Huh?
12:54Huh?
12:55What?
12:58Ooh!
13:00Who's Jamie?
13:03I was meant to say Jasmine, but some of the bulbs broke.
13:06Anyway, you can perform here.
13:09Me and Jazz will be your audience.
13:10It's not exactly the West End.
13:12We're very appreciative.
13:14Try it.
13:15Go on.
13:17OK.
13:17Ta-da-da!
13:19Ta-da-da-da!
13:21Ah!
13:22Ah!
13:24Jasmine, are you all right?
13:25No, I'm not.
13:27I've broken my stiletto heel.
13:31I'm sorry, Ollie.
13:33This is very sweet of you and everything,
13:35but I have to follow my dream.
13:37I have to go to London.
13:38Jasmine.
13:39Come in.
13:39But it's all right.
13:40I've got you something.
13:41Right there.
13:48Hey, Jazz.
13:48I don't like Top Gear.
13:51What?
13:52Kidding.
13:53You're my favourite.
13:59What is it?
14:00It's a memory box, so you'll remember me while I'm away.
14:03You won't even know that I'm gone.
14:14Voila.
14:15Your very own inflatable Jazz.
14:17Oh, my God.
14:21Even better, she comes with a special voice synthesizer,
14:25so she'll even talk to you like I do.
14:27For example, if you're feeling sad.
14:30Hey, Ollie.
14:31I know what will cheer you up.
14:32Let's have a shag.
14:35Or lonely.
14:37Hey, Ollie.
14:37I know what will cheer you up.
14:39Let's have a shag.
14:41Or happy.
14:42Hey, Ollie.
14:43I know what will cheer you up even more.
14:45Let's have a shag.
14:46She's just like me.
14:49I'm depressed.
14:51Oh, Ollie.
14:53I know what will cheer you up.
14:54Let's have a shag.
14:56Stop it, Jazz.
14:58Look, I've been thinking.
15:00Maybe there's a way I can come with you.
15:03I could get a part in the play as well.
15:04But you're...
15:05What's the word?
15:06Shit.
15:07Get a part in the chorus?
15:09I've got an excellent singing voice.
15:12And we were singing.
15:14Hymns and arias.
15:19Land of my fathers.
15:22Are he de nos.
15:24Huh?
15:24And I can dance.
15:26Right?
15:26A five, six, seven, eight.
15:33Okay, I can't dance.
15:34He did that in front of Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber.
15:38He'd pull a face like he just shat out a smurf.
15:46Actually, that's his normal expression.
15:47I wonder what he looks like when he jizzies.
15:55But you could teach me.
15:56I don't know.
15:58Please, Jazz.
15:59I can't stand the thought of being without you.
16:01The most wonderful girl I've ever met.
16:03You're like Sainsbury's.
16:04You can taste the difference.
16:08Okay.
16:08I'll teach you after college.
16:10Yes!
16:11Better take and say it with Jazz back then.
16:13No, no, no, it's all right.
16:14She can stay.
16:15Jazz.
16:20Meet Jazz.
16:23I think we're going to have a lot of fun together.
16:28Mate.
16:30Oh, hi, Jazz.
16:33I need your help.
16:35I need you to do a poo for me.
16:36What?
16:38I promised Chloe I'd give up crap food by having.
16:41She's going to check my poo, so I need you to do a poo for me.
16:43No!
16:44Please, mate, I'm desperate.
16:45Otherwise she won't go out with me.
16:46She'll want to tell you what to dress next.
16:48And when you can go out.
16:49Before long, she'll have you shackled in a cage.
16:51Do you want to be kept shackled in a cage by Chloe?
16:53Oh, yes, I do.
16:55DK hasn't eaten anything for 24 hours.
16:58You could try him.
16:59If you'll excuse me,
17:00Jazz and I want to spend some quality time together.
17:02Hey, Ollie, I know what will cheer you up.
17:09Let's have a shag.
17:11All we want to do is...
17:12All we want to do is...
17:13Right, Mr Cobbett, can I see your sample, please?
17:18It's all here.
17:19Excellent.
17:20What's this?
17:25Oh, that's my sandwich.
17:29Why is this poo green?
17:31Must be all those vegetables.
17:34Yum, yum.
17:34This is DK's poo, isn't it?
17:37No.
17:37Don't try to deny it.
17:38I know it is.
17:39How?
17:40He's been sharing his green winkle off all over the place.
17:42I saw it yesterday during English.
17:45Then today before college.
17:46Then after lunch.
17:48Then just now when I found him in the wardrobe.
17:52All right, sweetheart.
17:54Put it away!
17:56I was just...
17:56This is obviously DK's.
17:59Why would your poo have a penny in it?
18:01Oh, whoops.
18:04I can't believe you tried to mislead me like this.
18:06What have you got to say for yourself?
18:08Male bats have the highest homosexuality rates amongst mammals.
18:13What's that got to do with it?
18:14Nothing.
18:15I was just trying to distract you.
18:17Right, this is getting silly.
18:19So, I want you to have a colonic irrigation.
18:21And to stop you lying to me again, I want to see a video of it.
18:27I think you'll find that's mine.
18:31Yeah.
18:34I checked Matt's poo today.
18:36He didn't stick to his diet.
18:38He's such a numpty.
18:39You mean dickhead.
18:41That's right.
18:42Numpty.
18:43Just say dickhead.
18:45I can't.
18:46Why not?
18:47Because it's food.
18:48Try it.
18:49You might like it.
18:50But it's naughty.
18:52Go on.
18:54Okay.
18:55He's a...
18:57He's a...
18:58Just do it.
19:01He's a dickhead.
19:03Oh, my God.
19:04That was amazing.
19:05I know.
19:06Dickhead.
19:07Dickhead.
19:08Dickhead.
19:08Dickhead.
19:09Okay.
19:10Matt's a dickhead.
19:11A great big dickhead.
19:13You know.
19:13Dickhead.
19:14Dickhead.
19:14Dickhead.
19:15Dickhead.
19:15Oh, hey!
19:18Sorry.
19:19I've never said naughty word before.
19:21Got a bit carried away.
19:23What are you going to do?
19:25I've told Matt he's got to have a colonic irrigation.
19:27And what if he breaks his promise again?
19:29Then that's it.
19:31I won't go out with him.
19:32Harsh.
19:33I know.
19:33I'm on fire, you stupid frizzy-haired dickhead.
19:37Dickhead!
19:38Dickhead!
19:38Dickhead!
19:39Dickhead!
19:39Dickhead!
19:39Dickhead!
19:40Dickhead!
19:40Dickhead!
19:40Dickhead!
19:41Ah!
19:52nice what the hell I've been getting into character it's the Rocky Horror
20:01Show jazz so you're auditioning for the chorus you don't have to dress like that
20:10now I know but I like it let's just try this one more time follow me
20:22let's do the time for the hills
20:28let's do the time for the hills
20:34let's do the time for the hills
20:35that they've stepped in the right
20:36with your hands on your hip
20:38it's an easy time
20:42getting some pelvic truss
20:45I really find the same
20:50For God's sake, Ollie!
20:53It's no good, Jazz. You just can't do it.
20:56But what about London? We have to get the train tonight.
20:59I'm not coming.
21:00What?
21:00This is your dream, Jazz, and you have to follow it.
21:04You were right all along.
21:06You have to go to London without me.
21:09Just be careful, okay?
21:10I've heard about that place.
21:12It's full of thieves and vagabonds, otherwise known as cockneys.
21:17I'll be fine.
21:18Nevertheless.
21:20I want you to take this rape alarm.
21:26And these knuckle dusters.
21:29And the standard issue police bulletproof vest.
21:33Better safe than sorry.
21:35Those cockneys are everywhere.
21:39Thanks, Oliver.
21:40I'll miss you.
21:41I'll miss you too.
21:46Before you go, I've made you a memory box too.
21:49It's not what I think.
22:00It is.
22:01I'm Oliver Sinclair, and I've got a massive cock.
22:08See?
22:09Just like me.
22:10All we want to do is, all we want to do is, all we want to do is, all we want to do is, all we want to do is, all we want to do is, all we want to do is.
22:17Oh, Darren, why have you been showing your penis to girls around the college?
22:22Because it's really sexy.
22:25Darren, it's green.
22:26I know.
22:27Ain't it a turn-on?
22:29Darren?
22:30I know you love it, Principal.
22:33Actually, it is rather alluring.
22:38Oh, God, Darren.
22:39I can't hide it from you any longer.
22:41You're the man of my dreams.
22:43Give it to me.
22:43Give it to me now.
22:45Seriously?
22:48Of course not, you little prick.
22:52It's disgusting.
22:54You have to go to a doctor.
22:55But I like my green cock.
22:57It's really snazzy.
22:58Darren, if you don't seek medical help soon, I think your psychedelic member could be in very serious danger of falling off.
23:07Now, get out.
23:09All right, sweetheart, but before I go, look.
23:15It glows in the dark.
23:18That's just a torch.
23:20I know.
23:21Ain't my cock amazing?
23:27Big problem, mate.
23:28Major.
23:30Chloe's found out about the poo and now she says she won't go out on me unless I have a colonic irrigation.
23:34So is fair enough.
23:35Let's do it now.
23:36What?
23:37My girlfriend's going to London and my life is over.
23:41At least washing out your arse will be something to do.
23:44Take your trousers off, bend over the sofa and get the hose.
23:48Cheers, mate.
23:49You're such a good friend.
23:56Grace yourself, mate.
23:58I'm not sure this is really such a good...
23:59Oh, my God!
24:02Oh, my God!
24:03I'll turn the tap on.
24:04That actually feels pretty good, mate.
24:18Do you mind videoing this?
24:20Video, eh?
24:21You dirty little scamp.
24:22Oh, it's for Chloe.
24:23For Chloe, eh?
24:24You dirty little scamp.
24:26Oh, just do it.
24:28Whoa.
24:29Oh, the hosepipe is falling out.
24:34Oh!
24:38Oh!
24:41Oh, it picks.
24:42Sweet cord.
24:54Oh!
24:54Oh!
24:54Oh!
24:55Oh!
24:55Now, this looks like my kind of party.
24:58It's all perfectly innocent.
25:00Ollie's just washing me bum out.
25:01Yeah, that's what they all say.
25:03Can I join in?
25:04No.
25:04It'd be fun.
25:05I'm out of here.
25:07What do you want, Darren?
25:09I've got some great news.
25:10I've been to the doctor.
25:11She stomach-pumped me.
25:13Got on me coins back.
25:15It's great.
25:17What about your cock?
25:18Is it still green?
25:19Nope.
25:19She gave me a special drug to sort it out.
25:21Excellent.
25:23Although it did have a slight unexpected side effect.
25:25What's that?
25:27It made me pisco purple.
25:32That's when he shoved it up my arse.
25:35And that's when I started to enjoy it.
25:38Excellent work.
25:39You've done very well.
25:40So, uh, will you go help me now?
25:43Yes, Matt, I will.
25:44Excellent.
25:45But first, I want you to complete one final task.
25:48I want you to eat a vegetable.
25:50I hate vegetables.
25:51They make me physically sick.
25:54They're not that bad.
25:55So, I want you to eat this stick of celery.
25:59Oh, I don't know, Chloe.
26:01Please, Matt.
26:02I don't think I can do it.
26:03For me?
26:09There we are.
26:10That wasn't so bad, was it?
26:11I don't think I'm going to be a star of musical theatre after all.
26:39Oh, did you miss me?
26:41Yeah.
26:42God, yeah.
26:43What have you been up to while I've been away?
26:45You know, hanging around, drinking Stella.
26:48Hi.
26:49I'm Stella.
26:52Oliver!
26:52I've heard all about you, Dan.
27:09This is war, laddie.
27:11And it's a war I'm going to win.
27:13You sold a video of me in the shower for £5.
27:17That's only £2.50 a tit.
27:19Not technically.
27:21It was buy one, get one free.
27:23That's just a price.
27:24Ding, ding.
27:26I know.
27:28Why don't we have a shag?
27:30What?
27:30What?
27:31All we want to do is dance with me.
27:45Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba
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