00:00Previously on
00:02You be sorry, bitch!
00:04I don't know why you're doing this for me.
00:06Someday I'll explain.
00:08Just start with those you know will still love you.
00:10Have you talked to my mama lately?
00:12Your Willie Nelson contest is wrecked!
00:14You're going on Friday day!
00:16You scratch my back and I'll be quiet as alone.
00:20Judge Nels.
00:22What do you want for that picture?
00:24Not here.
00:26There's this bar that I sometimes frequent
00:28called I forget.
00:30Papas!
00:32Yeah, that's it.
00:34Meet me there tonight.
00:36Well, well, well.
00:38I finally get to address a jury of my peers.
00:40Miss Harling, you are disrupting our service.
00:44Twelve of your disciples,
00:46including your pinch-faced wife down there,
00:48disrupted my life.
00:50There was plenty of evidence to convict you,
00:52Bitsy May Harling.
00:54Yes, there was.
00:56And my face is not pinched.
00:58Give me two minutes, Reverend Barnes.
01:00I need to speak my piece and then
01:02you can get back to preaching your boring old sermon.
01:04We are not interested in listening
01:06to what a convicted felon has to say.
01:08Stirring that fire was a sin
01:10that could have murdered two people.
01:12And what about gluttony, Vera?
01:14They say that's a sin too.
01:16In fact, in Proverbs 23 it says,
01:20And put a knife to your throat if you are given to gluttony.
01:26I believe you better get a butcher knife
01:28and start slicing.
01:30Sister sinner, fat ass!
01:32I have led your problems!
01:34Bless your heart.
01:36And shall me move on to one of the Ten Commandments,
01:38Brother Barnes?
01:40I shall not commit adultery.
01:42I believe you've been tapping that Evelyn Crawley for years.
01:46And that's the real reason she gets to sing a solo on Sunday
01:48even though she can't carry a tune in a bucket.
01:50That's a flat out lie.
01:52My husband doesn't even have a prostate anymore.
01:56He's impotent.
01:58You get out from behind my pulpit.
02:02And Evelyn has a very beautiful voice.
02:05I didn't start that far.
02:07I am innocent.
02:08Not like most of you hypocrites.
02:10Well, speaking as the foreman of the jury,
02:12I can tell you that there was plenty of evidence
02:14pointing a finger right at you.
02:17It was me who started that fire.
02:20I fell asleep drunk while smoking a cigarette
02:24after committing adultery.
02:26Oh, my stars.
02:28Sweet baby Jesus.
02:30And I need you to forgive me, bitch my harlot.
02:35I rest my case.
02:38It's a bitch.
02:39Sorry la la.
02:41Sorry little.
02:43Sorry lies.
02:48Hey.
02:50For me?
02:51Yeah, but not for me.
02:56Sarah loves you, Ty.
03:00Okay, she's really starting to freak me out.
03:02So this?
03:03She's crazy.
03:06Ty!
03:07Walker.
03:10Well, are you ever going to introduce me
03:12to this handsome devil here?
03:13Sorry.
03:14This is Jacob.
03:15Jacob.
03:16Walker.
03:17Nice to meet you.
03:18The pleasure is all mine.
03:19This is a good boy you've got.
03:21You treat him right, you hear?
03:22It's not hard to do.
03:24Would you boys like to come in for a taste
03:26of my very special pineapple upside down cake?
03:29Walker.
03:30We have to be naked on stage in two weeks.
03:33Oh, yes.
03:34I've got my opening night tickets.
03:36So why don't you boys come by for a little nightcap later?
03:40Then go devour each other.
03:42You know, sex is always hotter when you're a little drunk.
03:47Walker, are you living vicariously through us?
03:50Absolutely, you silly boy.
03:52At my age, it's my only option.
03:54See you later.
03:59Hey, faggot.
04:00What the hell do you want?
04:01Sure was fun watching old nutbag Jackie go crazy on you.
04:05Yeah, it was a barrel of monkeys.
04:07I was hoping she'd scratch your eyeballs out.
04:11Shoot.
04:12I'd like to jump old Jackie myself.
04:14She ain't having bad looking.
04:16But I'd be afraid that crazy bitch would bite off my Johnson
04:19like she does her fingernails.
04:21Could we change this lovely topic of conversation?
04:24I just ate.
04:26What do you really want?
04:30Well, I do have a purpose.
04:34You see, I met your sister, Luttrell,
04:37while you was in your coma.
04:40Yeah, ain't she a joy.
04:42The truth is, uh, being Luttrell,
04:45we have some unfinished business to take care of.
04:49Where'd she live?
04:50Hell, if I know.
04:51If I knew, do you really think I'd tell you?
04:54Fine.
04:57Suit yourself.
04:59But I will find out.
05:08I'll be right in.
05:09I'm gonna try my mother one more time.
05:10Well, hurry.
05:11Tink will tear you up if you're late again.
05:18Mama?
05:19You there?
05:20Mama, pick up.
05:22I'm worried about you.
05:29I know it.
05:31I know it.
05:32I know it.
05:33I know it.
05:34Everybody knows you have glandular problems.
05:37I just don't want everybody to think I'm a sinner, like Betsy May said.
05:46Maybe I'm gonna tan.
05:48This article in the Inquirer says that all the Hollywood stars get tans to make themselves look skinnier.
05:54Well, tan fat does look better than white fat.
05:57What?
05:59Woo!
06:00I gotta go, Vera.
06:01Nolita Nethercott's on her way over.
06:03Now you hold your head up high, you hear?
06:05Bye-bye.
06:07Woo!
06:08Come on in, Nolita.
06:12Oh, sissy.
06:13My life is no longer in shambles.
06:15GW has made a woman out of me again.
06:18I feel revived.
06:20Well, that's real nice.
06:22Would you like a cup of coffee?
06:24Uh-huh.
06:25And you know what the clincher was?
06:27I can't imagine.
06:28It wasn't the waxing down there or my new hairdo.
06:31No, ma'am.
06:32He was jealous of my friend.
06:33GW was jealous of LaVonda?
06:36No.
06:37My long pink substitute lover from Bedroom Boutique that you found while cleaning.
06:41Lord, must we go down that road again?
06:44I come home and GW had cut it up into tiny little pieces.
06:48Then he said he wanted to make mad passionate love to me.
06:52Of course, there was the legs on, legs off problem again.
06:56Dear Lord in heaven, LaVonda!
06:58Get in here now!
07:00What are you bellering about?
07:02Well, Nolita was just telling me about her and GW's night of passion.
07:05I didn't want you to feel left out.
07:07I gotta go dust now.
07:09Wait one minute.
07:10I just hung up from Ty and he hasn't heard from Luttrell either.
07:14And he wants us to go over there and check on her.
07:17I'd rather be beat with a stick.
07:20I am so sorry.
07:23I had this commercial audition for Alpo and-
07:25B-b-b-b-b!
07:26I don't want to hear it, okay?
07:28This is my time and my dime.
07:29Now you get in there, now!
07:31I'll tell you another thing I can't get off of my mind.
07:36Oh Lord, here we go again.
07:38That 1,100 pound man that couldn't get out his front door and they had to forklift him out of his picture window.
07:43Where in the hell is that Peggy Ingram?
07:46She was supposed to meet me here last night and she stood me up.
07:49I don't think Peggy will be back to our little den of iniquity after our little church visit, Juanita?
07:55Well, she better be or there'll be hell to pay!
08:02Crawled up her ass.
08:03There she is! Peggy Ingram!
08:06Get your old saggy ass in here!
08:10What is it you want from me, Juanita?
08:13I need you to help me break into WCNT.
08:17The radio station?
08:18Yes.
08:19There's a conspiracy going on down there and I ain't to prove it.
08:23Uh-huh.
08:24Then you'll give me this picture, Bridget?
08:26Yes!
08:27Oh, okay. Fine. Let's do it and get it over with.
08:30Here's the plan.
08:31Uh-huh.
08:33Meet me at that bar I sometime frequent at 7.
08:38The one you're standing in right now?
08:41Yes, that's the one.
08:42Hey!
08:43Wardell!
08:44Could I borrow one of your guns?
08:45Quiet, Juanita.
08:46Me and Peggy Ingram here are going to break into WCNT, where country is still cool, and prove once and for all that the Willie Nelson contest is rigged.
08:57And I need a gun in case things go awry.
09:00God help us all.
09:01My guns are being cleaned, Juanita.
09:03I'm going to put an end to this nonsense once and for all.
09:16Why are you so mad at me?
09:19Now, I took you in and gave you a place to live.
09:22And then you caused that scene at my church when I'd asked you not to.
09:26I had to clear my name.
09:28And I don't have to live with you if you think you can tell me what to do and what not to do.
09:32I want you to live with me.
09:34But why?
09:35I don't understand.
09:37I don't understand why you came to pick me up when I got out of the pen.
09:40And I don't understand why you sat through my trial every single day.
09:45Well, maybe you have a little crush on me.
09:48A crush?
09:52Well, Betsy Mae are you, huh?
09:57Yes.
09:58I don't like the labels.
10:00I just go with the flow, if you know what I mean.
10:02But you...
10:05You confuse me.
10:08I think maybe it's time...
10:12It's time I told you the whole truth.
10:17Hello there, sweetie.
10:18Oh, I hear the doctor has wonderful things in store for you today.
10:21Oh, well, I'm all at Twitter.
10:23And she's ready for you now.
10:24Mm-hmm.
10:25Mm-hmm.
10:26Mm-hmm.
10:27Mm-hmm.
10:28so just be honest girl what's going on in your mind and body right now heart is beating fast
10:57blood is flowing if you know what I mean yes yes I know exactly what you mean and what about
11:07now the blood is now pumping yes yes yes you are preaching to the converted you toss me that pillow
11:18and what about now oh blood is stopped uh stomach churning I'm getting a little nauseous
11:34bulbous what can they do you for Juanita Bartlett please and may I tell Miss Bartlett who's calling
11:50well it's Willie Nelson oh my stars Juanita Juanita it's for you it's Willie Nelson
11:56oh oh hello this is uh Juanita Juanita Bartlett well this is Willie Nelson and I understand that a
12:09contest you should have won down at WCNT was rigged and I want to make it up to you just so happens
12:15my tour bus is going to be driving by Bubba's beer joint tonight if I come in and sing to you would
12:20that make everything better oh oh oh yes Willie Nelson's stopping by here tonight to sing to me
12:26I think we're gonna pass out it wouldn't be the first time
12:29are you saying you love me yeah I guess I am
12:36oh my god I think you should add me in that scene correct Stephen
12:46I think a sandwich with dark meat and two slices of Wonder Bread is just what this play needs
12:51the scene is about love Vegas not sex then why are you over there sitting with your legs crossed
12:57I'm not listening to you that was wonderful boys
13:01did you say something Tink yeah I'm just not impressed with mediocre soap opera acting sorry
13:08what the hell is your problem Tink my problem is that I'm not gaga over you like the rest of these
13:13silly queens and when you show up late to my stage it tells me that you think you're more important
13:17than everyone else but let me tell you something mr. Williamson you're not okay that might wash on
13:21soap opera sets and Alpo commercials but not in here pal you got it yeah I got it Tink I got it the
13:27first time you told me in private and I got it now when you're obviously trying to embarrass me for the
13:31rest of my cast I got it Tink now are we done here cuz I've had it with you white boy has that watch it
13:40Williamson you better just watch it or what Tink Jesus you must be the most unhappy dyke I've
13:48ever met in my entire life I am NOT a lesbian okay I am straight I have a wonderful boyfriend
13:55say what well her car is still here the house is completely dark what if she's been murdered what if
14:06some convict escaped from prison and broke in and raped her and then bludgeoned her to death and
14:12then drug her body through some field and then buried her in a shallow grave noita hush let's not go
14:17there just yet she's probably gone somewhere with Wilson let's just wait a bit and then we can go on to
14:23plan B Luttrell open this door I'm just so nervous about meeting Willie Nelson he's gonna make you feel
14:36better that it's spot that it's spot to
14:52that it's spot three your mama was my very best girlhood friend we were inseparable growing up that is
15:15until she started up with your daddy he wouldn't let her have friends with her so about a week before she
15:25died she snuck over to my house with you on her hip and baby in her tummy I just couldn't believe what I
15:35saw her face I was all black and blue and she asked me if I would take care of you in case it ever
15:51happened to her and and then something did happen I remember it so well I was just three years old
16:04I woke up in the middle of the night I went out and I fell mama lying on the floor blood everywhere I
16:15started crying and screaming and I tried to wake up daddy he was passed out on the couch and
16:22daddy tried to tell me that she had a bad miscarriage but whoa you know that isn't true don't you
16:31I didn't keep my promise I didn't keep my promise to mama because I was so scared of your daddy
16:42everybody was well now I'd like to make up for lost time
16:51if you let me if you let me if you let me I'll let you one two three go go go oh my lord are you alright yeah
17:14mmm this is this is brilliant mmm this what I needed for this day bad day not the greatest
17:27my mom has disappeared off the face of the earth so I'm worried and our militant closeted little
17:39lesbian stage managers made me her whipping boy and she's just so damn mean she's working at a gay
17:45theater called the celebration must be hard being around all us happy gay boys when you're living such
17:51a lie are you happy time lately yes I read a quote when I was a youngster I've never been able to find
18:05the author but I've lived my life by it and I'd like to pass it on to you boys tonight work like you
18:15don't need the money love like you've never been hurt and dance like nobody's watching is that Willie
18:26Nelson and his band no it's Peggy Ingram and Betsy May Harley but there's four of them no six
18:35Juanita are you ready now to go over to the radio station we don't need to go no more Willie Nelson got
18:42wind of the situation and he's coming by here to make it up to me about personally singing me a song
18:50howdy I'm Willie Nelson and I'm looking for Miss Juanita Bartlett oh my lord it's him Willie Willie
18:59it's me uh Juanita Juanita Bartlett this is for you darling oh they tell me I'm a home far beyond the sky
19:11oh they tell me I'm a home far away oh they tell me I'm a home far beyond the sky oh they tell me I'm an uncloudy day
19:26this is the most beautiful home I've ever been in it's like a magazine it's so clean and orderly oh look
19:36it's so clean and look at fat little tie
19:44so
19:48so
19:49so
19:50so
19:52so
19:53so
19:54so
19:55so
19:56so
19:57so
19:58so
20:00so
20:01so
20:02so
20:03so
20:05what on earth is wrong with you what on earth is wrong with you
20:08are you alright LaVonda
20:12I have a little
20:14peel problem
20:15oh trail this is not the girl we know
20:20so what's the real problem hon
20:24Wilson
20:26left me
20:27for another woman
20:31three months ago
20:35of over the comment of the peep
20:43of the moment of anxiety
20:44that I feel like somebody was really touched on my book
20:45at the lake
20:46as well one of you if you're in my book
20:48troops will go to New York
20:51and he has a lot of movies inside the lake
20:53that has two überzeuged
20:54and everything that is at the 재미 idols
20:56class
20:57money
20:58and can't help if ever
21:00about everything that is
21:03Hi, pussy boy, I have gone to pay your sister a little visit, bumper, dumbass don't even
21:21know how to spell pussy, oh this is not good.
21:33Next on Sorted Lives.
22:03He was having an affair.
22:05How hard can it be to kick an addiction?
22:07That bumper has gone over to kill her.
22:09You have company, Latrell Williamson.
22:12Walker wouldn't want us to be sad, he'd want us to have hot sex.
22:15Sarah's moving into Walker's apartment.
22:17I want to live happily ever after.
22:19I gotta get rid of no leader.
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