- 4 months ago
American_Housewife-S44E8-360P
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:01Ooh, for your order, guess who just made another sale for Mrs. O's lasagna?
00:05Mom, you are killer. I'm so proud to have your blood in my veins. You less so.
00:10Hey, because of me, you're gonna be tall. And fun fact, your hair will grow upwards like a stovepipe.
00:15So my girlfriend's dad, the cardboard box king, his brother is the jar czar and I negotiate an amazing deal.
00:21I just cut her overhead in half.
00:23Sorry, Anycat, but my new favorite kid is Oliver.
00:27That's cool. I had a good run.
00:28It's nice to see you guys bonding over the business. And actually, I'm kind of jealous.
00:31I don't have a similar thing with any of the kids.
00:33We have a thing. You comb the lice out of my hair.
00:35Once. In second grade.
00:37Hey, I'm trying, Greg.
00:42Katie, where's the milk? Where's a condiment? Where's anything that's not lasagna related?
00:47Sorry, but starting a home business is a lot like having a new baby.
00:50It requires constant attention.
00:52But unlike a baby, you can't leave your home business in an extra saucer while you play Candy Crush on the toilet.
00:58Hey, you! Help me wash the pan so I can mix some more lasagna.
01:03These don't scrub. The secret to looking rich is expensive shoes and soft hands.
01:08Touch them. They're like a dolphin's belly.
01:09Hmm.
01:10And besides, I don't have time.
01:12Before they let me take calls at Teen Helpline, I have to work on my speaking voice.
01:16Apparently, I have this mocking tone where I come across as unsympathetic.
01:20Some people have a punchable face. You have a punchable voice.
01:23No, I don't.
01:24Yes, you do, sweetie. It goes along with your punchable demeanor.
01:31How's the college application going?
01:33I haven't started.
01:37What?
01:38These essay questions are too hard.
01:41How have you positively influenced others?
01:44What is your most significant accomplishment?
01:46I'm 18, bruh.
01:48My biggest accomplishment is a paper mache horse I made in our class.
01:53It has no legs, Taylor.
01:55I'm sleeping.
01:57I don't care how hard it is.
01:59You're not leaving this house until you finish those questions.
02:02Too bad one of the questions isn't which family member is most like Satan.
02:05You compare me to Satan so much, it means nothing.
02:07Oh, no.
02:14Mom!
02:14I see it!
02:17The weekly poker tournament just canceled their lasagna order.
02:20Why are all of our clients canceling?
02:22Because of these.
02:24We're being flooded with bad Yelp reviews.
02:26I found a fingernail on my lasagna.
02:28My son ate Katie's lasagna and now he's been institutionalized.
02:32Is there a link?
02:33Caitlin, Bianca, Madison, you're a damn liar.
02:35So is Kathy Brenda McCormick.
02:38Wait.
02:39This one's by Colette Blix Masters.
02:42All of these are posted by women with the initial CBM.
02:47Chloe Brown Mueller.
02:53This next review will be from Cynthia Barbara Mendelstein.
02:57I'm making this one Jewish for you.
02:59But I'm not.
03:00Yes, you are.
03:01Fine.
03:03Can I have the high holidays off?
03:04No.
03:05Hey.
03:18Sucks that we don't have the same lunch schedule this year.
03:20Yeah.
03:21No one else knows how to make me laugh the way you do.
03:24Plus, you know how to open a milk carton without tearing the drinky part.
03:28Hey.
03:28Maybe we can ask Principal Ablin if he can change our schedule so we can eat together.
03:34He'll never say yes.
03:35He's had it in for me ever since I said there was no way he was the Philly fanatic.
03:39Well, never hurts to try.
03:42Hey, Principal Ablin.
03:44Can we eat?
03:44No.
03:45I was the Philly fanatic.
03:47Yeah, yeah.
03:48Penny, you forgot your lunch.
03:50Thanks, Maria.
03:51Yeah.
03:51You know, your mother only wants you to call me the help or sad face.
03:59Bellissima.
04:00Hi, Anna-Kat.
04:06Hi, Maria.
04:08Principal Ablin.
04:08How did that go?
04:19Did I ask her out?
04:20No, you just stood there looking like someone who needed an EpiPen.
04:25He really likes her.
04:26Maybe we can use this to our advantage.
04:29Principal Ablin.
04:30You know, we can help make Maria your girlfriend.
04:34I don't need your help.
04:35I have mad game.
04:38But just for fun, why didn't you tell me what your advice would be?
04:41Not so fast.
04:43We're only helping if you allow Franklin and I to have the same lunch period.
04:47Deal.
04:48Great.
04:48This hunk landed me with a little playful teasing.
04:51It shows that you're funny and comfortable with the person.
04:53Well, that makes sense.
04:54This was more helpful than my mom's romantic advice.
04:57A woman?
04:59Really?
05:05Ugh.
05:06These reviews are vicious.
05:09This one says Navy SEALs found your lasagna in Osama Bin Laden's compound.
05:13I have worked my ass off to grow this business.
05:15And now, Chloe is cutting it down with a few bad Yelp reviews.
05:19Why is she so determined to destroy your business?
05:21I don't know.
05:22Career day, maybe?
05:26Our next speaker is Katie Otto, who is going to talk about her poison-in-a-jar business.
05:33It's lasagna in a jar.
05:35Now, kids, I started my company from scratch.
05:47Unlike the previous speaker, whose husband bought her a store to keep her busy.
05:53Just like you guys bought this hamster a wheel to run on.
05:58Run, Chloe Brown hamster.
06:01Run!
06:02Run!
06:02Okay, if you want people to start buying your lasagna again, you need to ask Chloe to
06:08take those reviews down.
06:09She'll never do that.
06:11Then your only course of action is to destroy her business in retaliation.
06:14That's the only course of action?
06:15Shh.
06:16How?
06:17Steal Maria.
06:18You need more help, and Chloe can't survive without her.
06:21Is it that hitting below the belt?
06:22What's wrong with hitting below the belt?
06:25It hurts the other person, and it's super funny.
06:27It's how I'm handling my divorce with Richard.
06:28Richard, I'm stealing everybody that Richard can't live without.
06:32His personal assistant, his driver, his pastry chef.
06:35You have a dedicated pastry chef?
06:37Yeah.
06:38I mean, who else is going to bake me fresh croissants that I can take one bite out of
06:41and throw to the swans?
06:44Or you could be the bigger person and just let this one go, because you always...
06:48You're just waiting for me to stop talking, so you can do Doris's plan.
06:53Oh, I'm so glad we don't have to play this game anymore.
07:02Oh, hi, Katie.
07:03One moment, I'm with a customer.
07:05So, what can I help you with?
07:07So, what can I help you with?
07:10Why are you doing that to me?
07:11Because your voice is weird, but not as weird as your face.
07:16So, are you free Friday night?
07:18No.
07:20Oh.
07:23Adwin, what was that?
07:26Uh, I...
07:27I have no game.
07:32So, Maria, are you happy working for Chloe?
07:36Every day is like an alligator attack.
07:38Well, I just started my own business.
07:41How would you like to come work for me?
07:44Really?
07:45Mm-hmm.
07:45Yes.
07:47Maria!
07:49What did I tell you about standing next to mirrors?
07:51One of you is bad enough.
07:53I don't need two.
07:54Oh, my God.
07:56Katie Otto's in my store as well.
07:58All I need now is a UTI to make this day complete.
08:01Maria, do you have something you want to say to Chloe?
08:04I...
08:08I...
08:11Quit.
08:13You're supposed to say, I quit.
08:16I quit.
08:18She quits.
08:19And the best part is, she's working for me.
08:24Maria!
08:26Maria?
08:28Maria!
08:28Maria!
08:29Hey, Dad.
08:33Um, I know you're working, but do you feel like doing a puzzle with me?
08:37I thought you said you were too old for puzzles.
08:39I would never say something like that.
08:41Your exact quote was, I'm not a little girl anymore.
08:44I hate puzzles.
08:45Stop asking and get off my jock.
08:48Well, it's not about the puzzle.
08:49I just want to spend time with you.
08:51Really?
08:51Okay, let's bond.
08:55Uh, look, since we're hanging out, um, I have this question I've been meaning to ask you.
09:00Sure, sure.
09:01What do you think is my most significant accomplishment?
09:05That's an interesting question.
09:06I would say...
09:07Try to keep your answer to 500 words or less.
09:12Oliver, come over here and meet our new employee.
09:16Maria?
09:17Hey there, boss.
09:18Ooh, boss.
09:19Goosebumps.
09:20Maria, you don't have to call us boss.
09:23And you can make eye contact with us.
09:27Really?
09:28And I don't have to tell you how great your hair looks on the hour?
09:31Of course not.
09:34Maybe.
09:35Mom?
09:36Why did you hire someone?
09:38Our reviews still suck, which means we're not making any money,
09:40which means it's the worst time to hire a new employee.
09:42I could help with the reviews, actually.
09:44I know all of Chloe's passwords, so I could just log into her accounts and turn them into five stars.
09:49Oliver, she's pulling her weight already.
09:51You're amazing.
09:53This job is just so different.
09:56It's okay, Maria.
09:58You're going to...
09:59No, no.
09:59Let me do this.
10:00I need to practice my soothing voice for Teen Helpline.
10:04Hey, Maria.
10:06We're happy to have you, and you're doing just great.
10:08Are you being sarcastic?
10:11I don't even know.
10:14Dessert first today?
10:16Good idea.
10:17Let's see how high my blood sugar can go.
10:18Oh, I've missed this.
10:20You two.
10:21Your advice was terrible.
10:23The deal is off.
10:24I've changed your schedule back.
10:26You're late for gym.
10:28Bye, Franklin.
10:29When will I ever see you again?
10:31After gym.
10:32Okay.
10:32This is why you could have never been the Philly Phonetic.
10:36You have no heart.
10:38Give me a P.
10:40Give me an H.
10:41Give me an I-L-L-Y.
10:44What's that spell?
10:46Philly.
10:47That proves nothing.
10:49Oh, did someone place a new order?
10:59Ever since Maria took down the fake reviews Chloe posted?
11:01Our clients started coming back.
11:03My baby was sick, and we nursed it back to help.
11:06And that's why Maria is our employee of the month.
11:08Why are you mocking me?
11:09I'm doing the best I can.
11:11Dad, you have a gentle voice.
11:13Can you teach me that tone you used to calm Mom down
11:16when she finds someone counting to see if she has ten items or less in her basket?
11:20Sorry, son, but that honey timber doesn't come overnight.
11:22It took years working as a DJ at my college's smooth jazz radio station.
11:26I know you don't think they are, but your stories are so sad.
11:30Oliver, I need you to call the guys from the poker tournament
11:33and explain to them what happened with the reviews.
11:35You got it, Mom.
11:36Oliver, please.
11:37This is important.
11:39I was being sincere.
11:41Damn this voice.
11:42You know, you're not the only one bonding with our kids.
11:47I hung out with Taylor yesterday, all day.
11:50Whoa, nice job.
11:52First time we talked about really deep issues.
11:55She hung on my every word.
11:57I think at one point she was even taking notes.
11:59Quick question.
12:00Did you guys also talk about what Taylor has done
12:02to make her community a better place?
12:04Yes, how did you know?
12:05Because you're getting played.
12:07All of those questions were from her college application.
12:10I think I was just so happy she wanted to hang out with me.
12:15I didn't notice.
12:16Well, that is the last time we do a historical jigsaw puzzle together.
12:20That'll show her.
12:20I don't think it will.
12:24Guess who got the lasagna order for the poker tournament back.
12:27They even want to put a rush order on it for tonight.
12:30Crap.
12:30That is a lot of lasagna.
12:32Maria, fire up the stove.
12:33Something's wrong.
12:40It won't turn on.
12:44Did one of you call the gas company?
12:51Excuse me.
12:54Why are you putting a lock on our gas line?
12:57You were renovating the backyard.
12:58You hit a line, and now you need the gas shutoff.
13:00That never happened.
13:01Who called this in exactly?
13:03The homeowner, Carmen Bolivar Martinez.
13:07CBM.
13:08You've got to admit, that's the best name yet.
13:11I want to punch your voice so hard right now.
13:16Listen, there has been a misunderstanding.
13:18I live here, and we don't need the gas shutoff.
13:21But the work order says...
13:22I know what it says, but it's wrong.
13:25But the work order...
13:25It's wrong.
13:26But...
13:26Don't say it.
13:27Stop.
13:28Work order.
13:28I want to talk to your supervisor.
13:30He's away, but you can call first thing Monday morning.
13:33Sir, we can't wait that long.
13:34My mom and I run a home business, and we need the gas turned on, or we'll lose a big client.
13:39But the work order...
13:40Where are your offices?
13:41Because I'm going to burn them to...
13:42This is DJ Greg coming at you to calm you down with a kiss.
13:46Chloe Brownmuller is messing with my baby, and she's going down.
13:53Mom, your feud with Chloe is hurting our business.
13:56What's more important, hurting Chloe or protecting your baby?
13:59Right now?
14:00Hurting Chloe.
14:01Okay.
14:02I'm going to go down to perfection, and I'm going to take a bat to her electrical box.
14:05She's going to send one of my utilities to the hospital.
14:08I send one of hers to the morgue.
14:11Untouchables reference.
14:12I got it, boss.
14:13That's so funny.
14:15Maria, you don't have to laugh at my jokes.
14:18That's not a joke.
14:21Oh, man.
14:22You were damaged.
14:25Hey, Maria.
14:27Now that you're working here, maybe I should get to know you a little bit.
14:30What do you look for in a fella?
14:33In a cat?
14:33That is a personal question.
14:35But now that it's out there, let's spill some tea.
14:37What do you look for in a man?
14:39I guess I'm attracted to someone who isn't afraid to share what makes him special.
14:43As long as your definition of special is pretty flexible, I can work with that.
14:49What is she up to?
14:51If she were my first kid, I'd dig into that.
14:53But she's number three.
14:54I'm just going to sit here and hope for the best.
14:57Hey, Dad.
14:58I thought you could teach me how that old laminator of yours works.
15:01Sounds like a hoot, huh?
15:02You know, I was thinking, I'd like to revise my answer to the question, what word best describes you.
15:10Okay, shoot.
15:11I'd say manipulative, deceitful, self-serving.
15:15Wait a minute.
15:16That's all bad stuff, right?
15:18I know you only hung out with me so you could pump me for your college application answers.
15:21I was spending quality time with you, and you were using me.
15:25Okay, fine.
15:26I tricked you.
15:27But come on, I only have one more question left.
15:29Forget it, Taylor.
15:30You can't slack off and expect me to bail you out.
15:32But I wasn't slacking off.
15:33I've been trying to answer these stupid questions for the past three months.
15:36But I froze up because I finally really want something.
15:39Carnegie Mellon is perfect for me.
15:41When I'm on stage, it's the only time I'm not afraid to show people the real me.
15:44And I realize singing is the thing I care about the most.
15:48And if you don't help me, I'll never get in.
15:50And why are you smiling?
15:50That's it.
15:51What?
15:52What you just said was the perfect answer to the last question.
15:55Why do you want to attend Carnegie Mellon?
15:58Really?
15:58Yes.
15:59It's honest and true and so much better than anything I could have come up with.
16:04I'm going to write this down.
16:07But afterwards, we could maybe use your laminator and laminate things.
16:12I know you're only saying that because you feel guilty, but...
16:16Let's push this baby to the limit.
16:18Carmen Bolivar Martinez, show yourself.
16:26Hello, mother.
16:27Oliver?
16:28What are you doing here?
16:30Your feud was ruining our business, so I reached out to Chloe to broker a truce.
16:34But one child we planned turns on me.
16:37Mom?
16:39Sit down, please.
16:41Chloe, you too.
16:51Now, in order to end this, we need to get to the root of your issues with each other.
16:55Why exactly are you mad at my mom?
16:57Because she's the suckiest suck that ever sucked.
17:00This stupid battle is hurting your business, too.
17:02Okay, fine.
17:03Your mother went too far on career day.
17:05You started it.
17:06You said my lasagna was poisoned.
17:08You said my store was a vanity project paid for by my husband.
17:12And why did that make you so mad?
17:14Because it's not true.
17:15I easily could have asked him, but I didn't because I wanted it to be truly mine.
17:21Do you know I started going to small craft fairs, meeting artists and developing relationships,
17:26and then I spent years selling their work at a kiosk at the Stanford Mall.
17:31You were a mall kiosk lady?
17:32It was hell, but I persevered, and I finally saved up enough money to open my own place.
17:40Perfection isn't a vanity store.
17:42It's my baby.
17:44I didn't know.
17:45Mom, is it possible that you prejudged Chloe as a typical Westport housewife?
17:50I guess I did.
17:53So that means?
17:55I was wrong.
17:57Chloe, I didn't mean to mess with your baby.
18:00I'm sorry for stealing Maria away from you.
18:03Well, I'm sorry for messing with your baby, too.
18:05I know how hard it is to start a business.
18:08We need to be supporting each other.
18:10Maybe I'll buy a jar of your lasagna and eat it over a four-year period.
18:15Maybe I will buy a trinket from your store.
18:20That's $800.
18:21You'll let me know when you're having 100% off sale.
18:23Would you mind if Maria came back to work for me?
18:30Sure.
18:30I am not an object you can barter and trade.
18:33I am a human being.
18:34Oh, my God.
18:35What have you done to her?
18:37Working for Katie has taught me that I have value.
18:41All right.
18:43Well, what do I have to do to get you back?
18:45I could give you a raise?
18:47And I don't want to give you a piggyback ride to your car after pedicures.
18:51You don't like that?
18:53That was our thing.
18:56Okay, fine.
18:58You can start today.
18:59Tomorrow morning.
19:00Ugh, okay.
19:02But I have to tell you that this self-esteem is a very ugly color on you.
19:06So, this feud is over?
19:10Feud over.
19:12Feud over.
19:12Nice job, Oliver.
19:16I think you found your soothing voice.
19:18I guess I did.
19:20I think it's because there was money on the line.
19:22I just have to lock in this feeling and apply it to stupid stuff like people's problems.
19:35I'll get it!
19:36She's here.
19:45You ready?
19:45I brought what makes me special.
19:48Hey, guys.
19:49Look who decided to come over and hang.
19:51It's my principal.
19:53Hey, Ottos.
19:54Principal Applin.
19:56What are you doing here?
19:58I wanted to apologize to Maria for how I acted the other day.
20:01Those slams don't belong anywhere except the main stage at the Apollo.
20:03So, I brought you a gift.
20:12It's, uh, me.
20:15I made it from memory.
20:16I've been a woodworker ever since I was a kid.
20:18It's kind of what makes me special.
20:21It's pretty cool, actually.
20:23So, Maria, I was wondering if you'd ever like to, uh, you know, go on a, um, date with me.
20:35Sure.
20:35That sounds fun.
20:37Yes!
20:38Huzzah!
20:39This is a man who's in charge of thousands of children.
20:42Have a great time.
20:42Yeah.
20:43Good-bye.
20:44We'll see you next time.
20:44Bye-bye.
20:45Bye-bye.
20:45Bye-bye.
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