- 7 weeks ago
Fantastic quests you missed in CD Projekt RED's masterpiece.
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00:00The Witcher 3 absolutely owns. You know this, I know this, but one positive trait that is often
00:06overlooked is just how funny it can be. So with that in mind then, I'm Josh from WhatCulture.com
00:10and these are 10 hilarious Witcher 3 quests you totally missed.
00:15Number 10, Shock Therapy.
00:17At a cave in Ard Skellig, Geralt will encounter a druid who asks for assistance. He'll inform you
00:23that a fellow druid, Egil, has suddenly and mysteriously gone mute, with none of their
00:29spells or potions doing the trick. He enlists the help of a Witcher to scare Egil since
00:34eliciting strong emotions is said to be a cure for whatever ailment he has. By the time players
00:40arrive at this point in the game, they will of course be accustomed to receiving strange requests,
00:45so nothing seems too out of the ordinary at first. And with the promise of a rare Gwent card as payment,
00:51the job is pretty much impossible to refuse, unless you hate Gwent of course, in which case
00:57you need to get a grip. What follows then is Geralt playing cruel pranks on the druid to annoy him as
01:03much as possible. Extinguishing the fire after he lights it, setting some angry wasps on him,
01:09and rattling pots and pans when he falls asleep will all do the trick here. The druid will eventually
01:14speak again, but will be deeply upset with you and your shenanigans. And that's because it turns out
01:20that the druid was undergoing a vow of silence, which you were just tricked into breaking for a laugh.
01:27But hey, at least that new Gwent card will help alleviate the guilt, am I right?
01:32Number 9. Goodness Gracious Great Balls of Granite
01:35Not only does this side quest have an incredible pun title, Goodness Gracious Great Balls of Granite
01:41sees Geralt of Rivia set out on one of his strangest escapades to date as part of the Blood and Wine
01:46expansion. The quest can begin by picking up a notice or by stumbling upon a closed exhibition
01:52at L'Olivia Square. Either way, Geralt will eventually be approached by a distressed man
01:56who asks for his assistance on a pretty sensitive matter. That's because it transpires that the
02:02genitals of a famous statue have gone missing, and it's up to Geralt to recover them so that the
02:07exhibit can be reopened. And with the missing treasured bollocks said to boost the sex drives
02:13of whoever holds them, anyone could be a suspect. Following the scent of the purple reddish cologne
02:18back to their house, Geralt will find an older man having an impassioned affair with a young
02:23woman, with the stolen artifact being the cause for his, ahem, rejuvenated spark. Players must
02:30then decide whether to recover the stones or let the man make the most of his newfound mojo.
02:35Let him keep them though, and players will return later on to find that the man has died of what
02:40can only be described as a bad case of, to be polite, shagging himself silly.
02:47Liberate Fool's Gold
02:48One of the three DLC quests added to the game, Fool's Gold can be started in the small village
02:54of Lurch, where Geralt will encounter a group of bandits happily roasting a pig that they claim
02:59to have caught in a village. One of the locals is devastated by the pig's death however, and after
03:04dispatching the bandits, he'll tell the Witcher about the piggy magic that's taken over the area.
03:10Intrigued by the mystery, Geralt's investigations will take him to a sealed temple reached via a
03:16portal. Further exploration reveals that the pigs themselves roaming the village are actually the
03:21humans said to have gone missing as they were transformed into the animals for stealing cursed
03:26gold. With a little help from the remaining villager, Geralt solves this oddball mystery,
03:31though the funniest part of the quest comes when first exploring the temple. While there,
03:36Geralt encounters one of the pigs who understands what the Witcher says. What follows is a delightfully
03:42weird scene in which the monster hunter chats with a pig, and the pig uses grunts to answer yes or no
03:48to his questions. He can even feed the hungry pig some food if the player wants to. But yeah,
03:53Geralt can now add talking to animals to his extensive list of talents.
03:57When we first meet Geralt at the start of the game, he's hot on the trail of Yennefer,
04:05whose letter leads the monster hunter to the small region of White Orchid. But even with the pressing
04:10matter at hand as well as dealing with a pesky griffon upon arrival, there's no task that's too
04:15small for Geralt or the player, including helping a kindly old woman get her frying pan back. If players
04:22aren't spurred on by the urgency of Geralt's mission, they can discover said woman by a hut on the
04:28riverbank. She'll then tell the Witcher about an odd encounter that she had the night before,
04:32in which a stranger asked to borrow her precious pan, but failed to return it. Unable to break into
04:37the hut herself, she asks Geralt if he wouldn't mind retrieving the cooking implement for her. Thus
04:43begins a frying pan, spick and span. However, after entering the building, Geralt discovers the scene of
04:50a murder alongside a pile of letters written using the soot scraped from the pan. The implication
04:56being that the deceased man was a spy. Even this quest journal entry mocks the banality of this task,
05:02as retrieving frying pans simply isn't as exciting as slaying monsters, and yet if we got the quest,
05:09we certainly did it anyway. 6. The Tower Out of Nowheres
05:14In The Witcher 3, developer CDPR's abiding satire isn't limited to tackling themes of
05:20monsters and men. The writers likewise took this epic fantasy setting and used it to give their
05:25thoughts on the gaming industry at large, namely, the controversy surrounding digital rights management
05:31or DRM for short. This tongue in cheek allegory is the subject of the quest, The Tower Out of Nowheres.
05:37In it, Geralt will be informed by a group of disgruntled villagers that the sudden appearance of a tower
05:43is the reason for the non-stop storm in the area, and being a Witcher, he'll naturally be asked to
05:48investigate further. Upon reaching the tower, players discover the tower's newest owner sealed
05:53behind a barrier. Talking to him reveals that the tower has a Defense Regulatory Magicon, or DRM for
06:00short, that only the tower's original owner can deactivate. The only teensy-winsy problem is that
06:07the former owner is now dead. It's therefore up to the Witcher to search for the only means to lift the
06:13lock. That being, a book known as Gottfried's Omni-Opening Grimoire, or GOG for short, which is
06:20in the real world, a digital store owned by the developers, which was against DRM, so that the
06:26barrier can be unlocked. So yeah, well played CD Projekt Red. I have played this mission like twice,
06:31and I've only just now got the joke. Number 5, Face Me If You Dare
06:36A quest that isn't marked on the map, Face Me If You Dare is one of the easier quests to miss entirely,
06:42and it's also one of the game's most hilarious encounters, so please check it out. While travelling
06:47through Velen, Geralt can stumble upon an emboldened knight standing near the bridge to Crow's Perch.
06:52His name is Ranvid of the Small Marsh, and he's on a quest to slay 100 knights to win the affection
06:58of a woman. Though Geralt is sarcastically dismissive of his challenge, Ranvid is insistent,
07:04but ultimately proves to be no match for a seasoned monster hunter. However, the knight doesn't give
07:10up easily. He can be met again a few days later by the Tretogod Gate, with a new shield and even
07:16better armour. But still, it takes more of the new equipment to best a Witcher, and he goes down
07:20again. Still, Ranvid isn't done, and players can meet him a final time in Novigrad, where he's
07:26enlisted the help of two thugs as backup. Geralt, by now grown increasingly annoyed with the knight's
07:32efforts, has the choice to either de-escalate the situation and send him home, or just fight
07:37him to the death and get rid of him. Either way, the player won't be dealing with this guy again.
07:424. Portrait of the Witcher as an Old Man
07:46The sunny lands of Toussaint may be terrorised by a ferocious vampire, but the Blood & Wine DLC
07:51isn't all about bloodshed and massacres. In fact, there are plenty of light-hearted adventures to
07:56embark on, like the one we've already mentioned, and one of the better ones is a portrait of the
08:01Witcher as an old man. After completing the Warble of a Smitten Knight, head to the Market Square just
08:06south of the Grand Palace signpost, and you'll be approached by an artist who's struck by Geralt's
08:11distinctive physique, and will want to use him as his next model. If Geralt agrees, he'll be tasked
08:17to meet the painter when the light is better, and the pair will travel to a prime location. However,
08:22this being a quest, Geralt will need to recover the artist's paints from some thieving neckers before
08:27they can properly start. After all that though, players will then be given a choice of how they'd
08:32like to immortalise the Witcher through the medium of art. Whether they choose posing on horseback,
08:37standing heroically with their sword, or just casually reclining, the outcome will be similar,
08:43and that's because Geralt will return the next day to discover that the artist had sneakily
08:48painted him with most of his clothes off. And you know what, to be honest, I'd probably have it no
08:54other way. Number 3, Paper Chase. The bulk of the Witcher 3's humorous quests send players headfirst
09:00into bizarre situations to enjoy some fun in between the more serious plot beats. Paper Chase, however,
09:06is a little different. This time, the joke is on the player. Again, part of the Blood and Wine DLC,
09:12players can find this quest by talking to a vineyard owner near Trenton's workshop. It turns out that he
09:18actually owes Geralt payment from years ago and decided to place the coin in a savings account
09:23at the bank, which would have gained a healthy amount of interest by now. All Geralt needs to do,
09:28he's told, is walk into the bank and withdraw the funds, but bureaucracy is rarely that simple.
09:35And as a result, a clerical error means that the Witcher is forced to chase down various forms in what
09:41becomes a perpetual cycle of dead ends and unhelpful tellers. Instead of hunting monsters then,
09:46players will spend their time hunting documents, and it's as tedious as you would expect. In this
09:52quest, the action-packed gameplay players are used to is replaced by exciting moments, including
09:57watching a cat wash itself, getting into an argument about cutting in a line, and charming a clerk into
10:03speeding things along. So yeah, this is why witches don't use banks. This is why they take cash payments
10:11up front. Number 2. A Tome Entombed
10:15Located deep within the labyrinth of sewers underneath Novigrad, this side quest is extremely
10:20easy to miss. However, A Tome Entombed is a part of the game that players certainly won't want to skip.
10:26While exploring the sewers, players will eventually come across a weak wall next to a sealed gate.
10:31Knock it down with Ard, and Geralt will find himself in a tomb where he'll be met with a scholar
10:35struggling to move the lid on a stone sarcophagus. The stranger will inform Geralt that he's a
10:40professor of archaeology from Oxenfurt who has reason to believe that an important lost text
10:45resides in this tomb. When helping the academic open the lid though, the pair are greeted by a
10:51slumbering vampire who's not too pleased with being disturbed. Still insistent that the tome could still
10:57be in the tomb though, perhaps kept under the vampire's pillow for reading, the professor asks
11:02Geralt to just have another look. If he agrees, the monster will have had enough of his nonsense and
11:07just attack outright, leaving the monster hunter with no choice but to kill the creature for what
11:12turns out to be pretty much no reason at all. 1. Equine Phantoms
11:18When Geralt encounters a hermit in the Blood and Wine DLC, he's presented with a seemingly unsolvable
11:23mystery to hunt down an invisible wraith. To aid his investigation though, the hermit brews the
11:28witcher a special potion containing a potent hallucinogenic said to reveal the unseen. When he awakes
11:34after drinking it though, Geralt discovers that a side effect of the potion allows him to talk to
11:40animals, including his trusty steed Roach. What follows is a hilarious buddy comedy caper,
11:46in which the pair set out to solve the contract together. Roach is absolutely the star of the
11:51show here. He's a sharp-witted expert on monster hunting and letting him take the lead makes for a
11:56hilarious and refreshing change of pace. Moreover, the quest showcases the writing team at the top of
12:02their game. Not only is a quiet phantom scattered with amusing horse puns, but it also takes the
12:07opportunity to poke fun at aspects of the game, such as Roach's ability to materialize from nowhere
12:13alongside his unresponsive controls. This quest is simply a delightful experience from start to finish,
12:19and when it's over, players will wish that they could spend more time chatting to this unsung
12:24equestrian hero. So that's our list. I want to know you guys think down in the comments below,
12:28did you guys stumble upon these hilarious quests, and are there any great ones I missed off here?
12:33While you're down there as well, could you please give us a like, share, subscribe,
12:36and head over to WhatCulture.com for more lists and news like this every single day. Even if you don't
12:40though, I've been Josh. Thanks so much for watching, and I'll see you soon.
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