- 4 months ago
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00:00Yesterday, I was reading a study in the Times of India which said that women are happier
00:10being single.
00:12Now, when I read this as an Indian woman who is living in the Indian culture today, this
00:21is very conflicting because women in India who are single are actually looked down upon.
00:29I mean, if there is any single girl in your house, then they just want you to get married
00:37as soon as possible.
00:39So how do I reconcile this conflict?
00:42There is no rigid rule in this regard.
00:53The report that you are quoting says, single women are happier.
00:59I am assuming that by happiness, they mean a higher kind of happiness that includes contentment.
01:07So, when it comes to that happiness, that real happiness, there is no rule that a single
01:16woman would be happier than a wedded woman or a family woman or somebody who is in a relationship
01:26or vice versa.
01:29It depends on the quality of your relationship.
01:34If indeed it is true, if it passes the test of scientific data gathering and objective evaluation
01:50that single women are happier than married women, it only reflects on the quality of decision
02:01making of young people.
02:03You see, it is not really necessary that you have to have a bad partner or a troubling relationship.
02:25It is not necessary that not being with someone has to be the best state of existence possible.
02:41But here what we are seeing is a comparison.
02:44What we are seeing is that if a woman is single, she is probably doing better than if she were
02:51hitched.
02:52So, that is just a relative thing.
02:57And if it is a relative thing, it tells about the quality of relationships that women have.
03:03And hence obviously men have.
03:07And hence it tells about the quality of the mind that agrees to those relationships.
03:18When you get into a relationship because you just do not know why you are getting into it.
03:27Because it is the done thing.
03:29Everybody has a partner.
03:30So, you too ought to have it otherwise you will be you know such a bad loser.
03:37That kind of mindset.
03:39When you get wedded because again that is the thing to be done in your age bracket.
03:48Then obviously the decision that is being taken is a bad decision, it is an unwise decision.
03:58So the woman in the relationship is obviously going to be unhappy.
04:03What is not being said here is that the man is probably going to be equally unhappy.
04:10You cannot have a relationship in which the woman is discontented and the man is gloriously
04:16joyful.
04:17That is not going to happen.
04:18So, it is a mutually destructive thing.
04:21Two people holding hands and exchanging woes without even knowing why they should be together
04:30and whether they should be together at all, it is a very, you know, pitiable situation.
04:39Unfortunately, that is what we find in many relationships.
04:44So, women are unhappy, men are unhappy, entire families are unhappy and the kids that are bred
04:56in such unhappy enviance come up as not really healthy human beings.
05:05So, it is in context of such unhealthy holding of hands that the study has probably inferred
05:14that it is better to remain single.
05:19Let us not jump to the conclusion that not being related to anybody throughout your life
05:26is the necessary and unavoidable way to have peace or happiness.
05:40If you really can relate with someone who can bring a certain elevation, beauty, understanding
05:49to your life, nothing like it.
05:52But then that has to be the objective in the first place before you enter the relationship.
05:58And that then cannot be merely the objective of that particular relationship.
06:03That has to be the objective of your entire life, your 24-hour activity.
06:08You have to have a mind that is seeking light, that is seeking to get clarity and betterment and upliftment.
06:22When you have that kind of a mind, then whether you pick up a partner or a piece of cutlery or
06:36a cup of tea or whether you choose a destination to travel to or whether you decide how to spend
06:47the festive season or whether you make a decision regarding your finances or your studies, all the decisions then are centered on the same thing.
07:00You say, is my decision going to be really uplifting or will it just provide me some kind of very temporary excitement, some appreciation
07:14in the eyes of my peers and those around me, family members etc.
07:19And security and even that security we all know is such an illusion.
07:25There is no real security in the ways it is sought.
07:31So, one has to ask, what am I doing, what am I here for, what am I enrolled in a college
07:39for, what am I in a job for.
07:44And only when you have that kind of a mind that is constantly inquiring this way, will
07:50you also inquire, what am I holding his hand for, how has this person managed to sneak into
07:57my life, sir what are you doing here, hello, why are you occupying that chair, it is an important
08:03chair you see, I will be forced to more or less constantly look at your face if you occupy
08:08that chair, so I will ask, sir, sir, sir, I mean what is the, what is the very rise and
08:16detrive for this relationship, if you are sitting there then we are sharing meals, if you are sitting
08:22there then I have to live through your behaviour, if you are sitting there then I will have to
08:27be necessarily absorbing some of the effects of your company, so much from you will come
08:34to me and vice versa, so why am I with someone, that question has to be asked, if that question
08:42has been honestly asked and reasonably answered then you cannot go wrong, whether you marry or
08:50not, whether you remain with someone or not, and mind you, these are not really permanent
09:00decisions to be made, this is not something that gets edged on stone, there might be a phase
09:08of life than when it is really important, even holy to be with someone, and then comes a time
09:20when it is better for both of you to grow a little independently of each other. So, anything
09:32is possible and welcome as long as the intention is right and the intention, I am repeating it,
09:44has to be to make the best use of life, to grow to your fullest potential, to not really to look
09:54behind and repent. One has to be totally into life, one has to be responsible, one has to understand,
10:06one has to have a certain depth and from there comes joy. And to such a person, bad relationships
10:16are very unlikely to happen. Even if, by dint of circumstances, he or she lands into a tricky
10:26relationship, you can rest assured that the fellow will be able to bring some health to that
10:36relationship. But yes, obviously, if it is the norm, if it is a widely prevalent condition, that 95%
10:52people who do anything, including choosing a partner, are doing it in sheer ignorance, then we very well
11:02know that the remaining 5% would be better off. The remaining 5% would be better off, as the quoted
11:10report says, just because the 95% are acting in very unwise ways. Are you getting it? It's like, it's like
11:20this. The analogy will probably work for you. Fasting is better than eating contaminated food.
11:31Getting it? So, better than having stale food, bad food is to have no food at all. And when a society has come to
11:46a situation that bad and stale food has become the culture, the accepted norm, then probably the ones who
11:57eat very little are relatively the healthiest ones. That's what your report is saying.
12:05So, it reflects more on that marriages are unhappy rather than being single.
12:11Yes, yes, yes. And when I say that, I am not against staying single. I am just saying that being born in a human body, it will not be possible for you to really not relate to anybody. I do not know what the term single really means. Does it mean abstinence from the socio-legal institution of marriage?
12:40If it means that, then obviously it is possible to stay single your entire life. But in the more practical terms of life, nobody can really remain single.
12:53If you are with someone, even for dinner or as friends, colleagues, whatever, then you are not really single. You are in a relationship. Aren't you in a relationship? Relationships need not always be romantic. They need not always have that angle. But you are always relating with someone or the other. Right? We must have the sense to relate properly. We must know what is it that draws us to the other person.
13:22And if we smell something foul there, then we must have the wisdom, the guts, most importantly the honesty to call the whole thing off.
13:36You know, smelling the foul. Where do you draw the line? How do you know that this is, you know, this is where I am drawing the line. Beyond this, I am not going to be relating to you. Because we have that expectation that people will change.
13:53See, there are telltale signs. You have to understand this. And some of what I am now going to say might sound odd to you. So, just be here.
14:04You have to see what the other person has started meaning to you. Has the other person assumed some kind of a larger than life importance in your eyes?
14:16Ask yourself, if someone else were to objectively evaluate this person, what kind of value would he give to him? Be purely on the person's merits.
14:33Obviously, when you are in a relationship, then you do tend to give an exaggerated value, which is alright. It is part of being human.
14:42But if the fact is that the general audience is going to accord a value of 5 to that person, whereas in your eyes, in your behaviour, the value is 500, then you must know that things are wrong.
15:00I mean, it is berserk rather. That is one thing. Second thing is, has the thought of the other started meaning fear or greed, temptation or apprehension to you?
15:16Has the other started dominating your mind? You have to ask this whether your mental space has been colonized.
15:29And you have to guard against it. It is not right. Even if it appears sweet and not merely acceptable, but actually welcome in initial stages of the relationship, it is something very unhealthy.
15:49If somebody has started encroaching upon your mental space. If somebody has really started affecting the way you go about your day-to-day activities. The other person has started showing up his presence, even where he should not be.
16:15Then you should know that the relationship is not going in a healthy way.
16:25And you should know where to draw the line. Similarly, you have to see whether a particular angle of domination is creeping into the relationship.
16:37In the name of care or concern, in the name of care or concern, has the other started becoming dominating or just a little too much upon you?
16:54Even without giving an explicit consent, have you become accountable, answerable? If these things have started happening, then you should just stand up and say something is not quite right here.
17:16Basically, you have to guard against neurosis. Our unhealthy tendencies show up in the most pronounced way in our relationships.
17:38Especially if the relationship, especially if the relationship has a romantic or a sexual character.
17:46Then all the garbage that otherwise keeps lying hidden within, and we keep it hidden, but when the relationship assumes an intimate character,
17:57then all the garbage just shows up in all its crudeness and with all the stink.
18:05And so, it's not really difficult to know when and whether a relationship is going foul.
18:11You will know that. It's just that we lack the courage, the integrity to act on what we already know.
18:26To walk out.
18:28You don't always need an absolutist reaction.
18:35That if you know that the relationship is growing up little upon you, then you call it off or walk out.
18:43You don't always need to walk out.
18:45Obviously, the first response has to be to try to modify the relationship to bring it back to healthy contours.
18:54It brings in the question, can people change?
19:02If people cannot change, then we should not be talking.
19:06The purpose of every human interaction ultimately has to be betterment, improvement.
19:15What we call as casual chit-chat or gossip.
19:19You have no avail.
19:22Even when you say that you are interacting reasonlessly, it is not really reasonless.
19:29It's just that you do not know the hidden reasons.
19:33So, we always have a reason in whatsoever we do.
19:38Let the reason be improvement.
19:40So, yes, people can change and people are changing all the time.
19:45Let's just change rightly.
19:47How do we know what kind of change is right?
19:50You are the best judge.
19:52You know better than anybody else whether life is going right for you.
19:58Sometimes and some things.
19:59You are the most Nou.
20:00Sometimes andя┐╜ will be true.
20:01Sometimes and Vine can change.
20:02Or if we don't believe that.
20:03Sometimes.
20:04You should know they need to change reality, but by I won't be poor to do something.
20:05Or if not in the best.
20:06Then you cannot change anything.
20:07You may be safe requited.
20:08Or if they all swear.
20:09In the best proposal is going right for you.
20:10I do not get indo into it.
20:11But we cannot change anything even.
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