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00:22:27I believe microwaves make chronic constipation worse.
00:22:32Did you wonder where the wife was when you got here?
00:22:35Maybe you thought you'd see her here.
00:22:38Why? Where the hell is she?
00:22:41I'm talking about the wife.
00:22:46She's gone to Baconham and Norfolk with the kids
00:22:50to do some taste testing on the entire range of vegetarian ready meals.
00:22:54And what specifically are these vegetarian ready meal options?
00:23:02Do you want me to name them?
00:23:05Yes. I want you to name them all for me.
00:23:08Do you really want me to name them all?
00:23:11Oh, yes, I do. I want you to name them all for me.
00:23:15You know what? I could try to do it in the form of a song.
00:23:20Oh, you can sing, can't you?
00:23:22According to some people, I'm not so bad.
00:23:25I could even sing in tune.
00:23:29I'll be the judge of that.
00:23:32I'm going to sing it a cappella.
00:23:35It's really written for the voice and the guitar.
00:23:38But I think I can make it work for you here right now without the guitar.
00:23:42Oh, if anyone could make it work, I can.
00:23:51We've got vegetarian sausages.
00:24:08We've got vegetarian bacon.
00:24:11We've got vegetarian square balls.
00:24:14We've got vegetarian tubes.
00:24:17We've got nug, nug, nug, nug, nuggets.
00:24:21Oh, wait.
00:24:22Did you say nuggets?
00:24:24Yeah, yeah, I did.
00:24:26Yes.
00:24:27So you do have nuggets?
00:24:30Yes, we do, do, do.
00:24:33Nuggets made from vegetables.
00:24:35Yes, it's true, true, true.
00:24:38Have we got golden nuggets?
00:24:40Yes, we do.
00:24:41Nuggets of gold.
00:24:43These nuggets are breaded.
00:24:46They look like gold.
00:24:47Nuggets of gold.
00:24:50Golden nuggets of vegetables.
00:24:53Golden nuggets of vegetables.
00:24:55Golden nuggets, nuggets of gold.
00:24:59Golden nuggets of vegetables.
00:25:01Yes, riding on the nugget train.
00:25:05These golden nuggets go choo, choo, choo.
00:25:08Nuggets made of vegetables.
00:25:10Vegetarian through and through.
00:25:15Baby, oh my baby, that's what we do.
00:25:20Let me guide you through the world of vegetarian ready meals.
00:25:25Baby girl, as I hold you tightly in my big old veggie wedgie arm.
00:25:33Hey, guys, don't forget the vegetarian schnitzels.
00:25:40Let me guide you through the rules.
00:25:41¶¶
00:26:11¶¶
00:26:18That's it, mate. That's all the nuggets. We've had the lot.
00:26:23You're joking.
00:26:26Really? No more ready nuggets?
00:26:29Fuck! You're joking!
00:26:33Please tell me you're joking.
00:26:35I am not joking.
00:26:38Actually, I am joking.
00:26:42I've got one more nugget, and it's in my pocket,
00:26:46and I'm gonna roll it down the nugget slide.
00:26:51The nugget is in my pocket,
00:26:55and I'm going to roll it down the nugget slide.
00:26:58Here is the nugget.
00:27:01The nugget's going straight into your mouth
00:27:04after it's been down the nugget slide.
00:27:07I'm going to send the nugget down now.
00:27:18Mmm, yum, yum!
00:27:21Why did you come here?
00:27:35I told you, didn't I?
00:27:40No, you didn't.
00:27:43You know why I came here?
00:27:46No, I don't.
00:27:48Why do you think I'm here?
00:27:51I've absolutely no idea.
00:27:55I am here because we are both musical legends!
00:28:02I'm slightly confused.
00:28:07You mean you came all this way in a little rowing boat
00:28:11because we're both musical legends?
00:28:14Musical legends help each other to make music
00:28:19as only musical legends can make
00:28:21when musical legends decide to make music together
00:28:25as only musical legends can do.
00:28:28You're talking in riddles again, mate.
00:28:33I am here to help you musically.
00:28:37I am here to help you become a true musical legend!
00:28:44You what?
00:28:45You what?
00:28:46You what?
00:28:47You what?
00:28:48You what?
00:28:50You what?
00:28:52You what?
00:28:53You what?
00:28:54You what?
00:28:57I don't need any help being a true musical legend, mate.
00:29:02Not from you or anyone.
00:29:06Hello, it's me, the cute one,
00:29:08the one the girls go mad for.
00:29:14No, I don't need any help being a true musical legend, mate.
00:29:18Maybe you need some help being a true musical legend.
00:29:21You think I need help being a true musical legend?
00:29:24Ooh, I don't know.
00:29:27But maybe you do.
00:29:29I write every note myself
00:29:32and I play every instrument myself.
00:29:34I can even make sexy sounds on the trombone,
00:29:38which is a highly unsexy instrument.
00:29:41I don't need anyone else
00:29:43and I certainly don't need you.
00:29:45So why did you come here if you don't need me?
00:29:48I came here because you need me.
00:29:51I don't need you, mate.
00:29:53To be honest, I'm not even that mad on your music.
00:29:56It's kind of cheesy.
00:29:58And that's just something coming from me.
00:30:09You think that's funny?
00:30:11You think my music's cheesy?
00:30:16If your music was a pizza,
00:30:22you could forget about it being a full cheese pizza.
00:30:26It would be at least a five cheese pizza.
00:30:29In fact, you could forget that.
00:30:32It's not even a six cheese pizza
00:30:35or even a seven cheese pizza.
00:30:38We'd be well into double figures
00:30:41as we watched you make the world's first twelve cheese pizza.
00:30:47Your music is extra cheesy, mate.
00:30:51Like my feet.
00:30:53If you don't believe me, you can give them a sniff.
00:30:57Watch out or I may have to lunge for your neck.
00:31:16You don't lunge for my neck, mate.
00:31:21Not when you're staying at my Scottish cottage.
00:31:25Then don't make me smell your cheesy feet.
00:31:32Oh, I'm just trying to lighten the mood.
00:31:36Have a bit of fun.
00:31:37Well, don't!
00:31:39Oh, I'm not allowed to have a bit of fun?
00:31:43No!
00:31:44Not unless you want me to lunge for your neck!
00:31:47I told you, you don't lunge for my neck
00:31:51when you're staying at my Scottish cottage!
00:31:54Do not ever tell me what to do.
00:31:58It's time for me to lunge.
00:32:00On the count of three.
00:32:01One, two, three, lunge!
00:32:04You don't want to eat.
00:32:09Ah!
00:32:11Ah!
00:32:13Ah!
00:32:18Ah!
00:32:32I am the gripper, I feel my grip, I grip then I rip, on the count of three, I shall
00:32:57lunch for you, just as you want lunch for me. One, two, three, lunch.
00:33:18Have you had enough? Never. Do you want more? Yeah, I do actually. Have you had enough you
00:33:26wanker? I think I've had enough now. Okay, I'm going to bed. Yeah, you go to bed. I am,
00:33:38I'm going to bed. And you're just going to leave me here? I most certainly am. So how exactly
00:33:47am I going to find my own way to bed? You'll have to work that one out on your own, mate.
00:34:02He thinks I can't find my own way to my own bed.
00:34:09I am finding my own way to my own bed very easily.
00:34:26I feel paranoid and insecure. My head is spinning around and around. I have what
00:34:42is commonly referred to as the spins. I do not normally smoke this substance, even though
00:34:49I am sure the substance in this case is completely natural. It is Scottish. It is Scottish. It is from Scotland.
00:35:19It's okay. I remember feeling like this. It can happen. Oh, it can happen all right. It will pass.
00:35:48It has to pass. It has to pass. Do not be afraid. You are not alone. You are not alone. You are
00:36:10most definitely not alone. You are most definitely not alone. You are most definitely not alone.
00:36:37You are most definitely not alone. You are most definitely not alone. You are most definitely not alone.
00:37:02You are most definitely not alone. You are most definitely not alone.
00:37:31You are most definitely not alone. You are most definitely not alone.
00:38:00You are most definitely not alone.
00:38:07You are most definitely not alone.
00:38:08You are most definitely not alone.
00:38:14Maybe you are most definitely not alone.
00:38:15Yeah, maybe you are would be just my dream. You are almost like you are probably not good all right.
00:38:16Surprise, surprise, I'm making us a vegetarian breakfast, mate.
00:38:28Shit and fuck, shit and fuck.
00:38:37I had a strange vision last night.
00:38:40A strange vision, yeah, like what?
00:38:43I was speaking to my parents about having the spins.
00:38:48You know the spins.
00:38:50When you smoke too much marijuana and you feel like your head is rotating round and round.
00:38:55Oh, I know the spins all right.
00:38:59I used to smoke a lot of marijuana with the guys.
00:39:05We'd wake up and get absolutely high as a bunch of God gnomes.
00:39:10I still do smoke a bit of marijuana to be honest with you.
00:39:14If we're being really, really, really honest, we were smoking it last night, were we not?
00:39:22We were.
00:39:23We were.
00:39:24But yes, I had this strange vision.
00:39:26Oh, you did, did you?
00:39:31I did.
00:39:33I saw my parents in this vision.
00:39:36Except my parents looked like me and my parents spoke like me and my parents were me.
00:39:43And me.
00:39:46That sounds pretty trippy, mate.
00:39:50I had the spins and my parents arrived in a strange vision.
00:39:56And they were telling me that everything would be okay and that I was not alone.
00:40:03And then when I woke up, I was not alone.
00:40:07I truly was not alone.
00:40:12What are you getting at?
00:40:14Were you in my bed with me?
00:40:17Sit and fuck!
00:40:18Sit and fuck!
00:40:19Sit and fuck!
00:40:37Sit and fuck!
00:40:51Sit and fuck!
00:40:52Sit and fuck!
00:40:53Okay, let's see what we got here.
00:40:55So going clockwise around the plate, you have veggie schnitzy witzies.
00:41:01That's my word for vegetarian schnitzels.
00:41:04You have veggie tubes, which are a British thing and they're fantastically delicious vegetarian
00:41:10tubes.
00:41:11You have some veggie square balls, which are what you might call vegetarian balls, except
00:41:17these ones are square.
00:41:19You have two veggie surprises, which are also vegetarian, hence the word veggie.
00:41:26And trust me, the taste is a surprise because you never knew anything could be that desperately
00:41:32delicious.
00:41:34You have the finest of all veggie foods going on in and around your plate.
00:41:39And then of course, here we come, get ready for the classics.
00:41:43You have veggie sausages by the wife, veggie bacon by the wife, which is also breaded, which
00:41:51is very unusual for bacon, whether veggie or non-veggie bacon.
00:41:56You will find yourself also in the possession of a couple of breaded garlic mushrooms by the wife, also vegetarian.
00:42:05But bear in mind, everything here is breaded, because that's how we like it.
00:42:11And finally, we've got some tomato ketchup.
00:42:14I like to call them Tommy K and brown sauce, which is a real breakfast classic in the British
00:42:21Isles.
00:42:22People are squirting tomato and brown sauces nonstop up and down the entire length of the British
00:42:30Isles.
00:42:31You can't squirt these ones, though.
00:42:34You've got to hit the bottom, and you've got to hit the body hard.
00:42:38You know what I mean?
00:42:40All this breaded breakfast talk is making my mouth water.
00:42:50This doesn't smell like my regular breakfast.
00:42:53Is this actually a breakfast?
00:42:55Is this actually what you have for breakfast every morning, the most important meal of the
00:43:00day?
00:43:01All this breaded food can make a man thirsty.
00:43:30That's why I poured you a Wee Billy's Big Wee Fruity Squash.
00:43:38And what exactly is a glass of squash?
00:43:43It's a delicious drink.
00:43:45It's fruity, it's not juice, but you'll be thanking me after you try it.
00:43:58It's one serious fruity glass of Wee Billy's Big Wee Fruity Squash.
00:44:05Wee like a firm and fruity around here.
00:44:09...
00:44:09...
00:44:13...
00:44:17...
00:44:21...
00:44:28Okay, there's one sheep in the field today, one white woolly sheep, and it is staring
00:44:56directly at us. To be perfectly honest, I've only ever seen one sheep here, one white woolly
00:45:04sheep. It is this sheep. This is the only sheep I've ever seen here. I've never seen another
00:45:11sheep here. Only this sheep, and this sheep is staring directly at us.
00:45:26Let's go.
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00:51:28I shall leave the patient so that the patient may find healing in sleep.
00:51:33No, wait.
00:51:35Even though my voice is rather weak, this is very important.
00:51:43Please listen to me.
00:51:44I am listening to you, mate.
00:51:45I feel there is something I need.
00:51:52I need a brown colored drink made with real cocoa.
00:51:58Yes.
00:51:59I need a hot chocolate drink made with real cocoa.
00:52:03And I want marshmallows floating on top of it.
00:52:07And I would adore some whipped cream on top of the marshmallows.
00:52:15And on top of the marshmallows, I would love some chocolate sprinkles.
00:52:20Okay.
00:52:25Please cycle to the shop so that we have enough cocoa powder and marshmallows and whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles and cow's milk.
00:52:40You do have a bicycle.
00:52:41You do have a bicycle, do you not?
00:52:43I do have a bicycle.
00:52:46Please, go on your bicycle.
00:52:51Okay.
00:52:52I need a bicycle.
00:52:53You do have a bicycle.
00:52:54I need a bicycle.
00:52:55I need a bicycle.
00:52:57I need a bicycle.
00:52:59Purchase said items.
00:53:00Yeah, okay.
00:53:01Then you will be able to make the healing beverage I require.
00:53:05Um...
00:53:06Yeah, okay.
00:53:10i nearly drowned today yes i nearly died today yes
00:53:22go go now go immediately i must go
00:53:32you must go i must go please go i am going mate bye-bye for now bye-bye for now
00:53:50hot chalky with all the accoutrements
00:54:20so
00:54:30so
00:54:34so
00:56:12Is it constructed as disgust?
00:56:18It is.
00:56:20And you purchased all five mandatory ingredients at the local shop?
00:56:24I got them all.
00:56:28How unexpected.
00:56:30And what are the five mandatory ingredients?
00:56:35Let's make sure we're speaking the same choco language here.
00:56:41As it was agreed, I got cocoa powder, I got marshmallows, I got whipping cream, and I then whipped the cream myself.
00:56:53I mean, it's whizzy cream.
00:56:55You whizz it out of the can, if I'm honest.
00:56:58I couldn't get ready-made chocolate sprinkles, so I used a miniature cheese grater that the wife got in a Christmas cracker.
00:57:06And I used this miniature cheese grater to grate dark chocolate on top of the drink to make homemade chocolate sprinkles.
00:57:14And the little choco grew.
00:57:21I'm sorry.
00:57:22I'm sorry.
00:57:22I'm sorry.
00:57:52Oh, okay.
00:58:16I kind of was looking forward to store-bought ready-made chocolate sprinkles.
00:58:22You're on the Mall of Kintyre, mate.
00:58:25This isn't Hollywood.
00:58:29I am aware of that.
00:58:32Hand me my beverage.
00:58:34There's a thirsty boy.
00:58:51I feel better already.
00:58:57But now I need another hot chocky, thank you.
00:59:00Yes, that was delicious.
00:59:20And now you're going to do something special for the patient.
00:59:25It is something my mother always did for me as a child.
00:59:30It involves the patient's feet.
00:59:33Can you guess what it is?
00:59:35I'm not sucking your toes, mate.
00:59:37I draw the line at that.
00:59:39No, you are not sucking my toes.
00:59:44No one here is sucking on anybody else's toes.
00:59:48But if you lean in close, you will find exactly what it is that you must do for the patient.
00:59:56I want you to stroke the patient's feet.
01:00:08Lightly stroke them.
01:00:10Soft, light, foot strokies.
01:00:14Yes, I want foot strokies.
01:00:19And I want them now.
01:00:21And I want them to be very soft and light and luxuriously relaxing.
01:00:27Who doesn't love a nice foot strokie?
01:00:50Okay, only because you nearly drowned.
01:00:54Yes, I nearly died.
01:00:57Come on, foot strokies.
01:01:01Okay, foot strokies.
01:01:03I get it.
01:01:05Foot strokies, please.
01:01:27Foot strokies, please.
01:01:43Foot strokies, please.
01:01:45ometfit for tour.
01:01:46istically, myself is smart.
01:01:48Foot strokies, please.
01:01:50For here 我ED西方,はプリドを学んだ。
01:01:51Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.
01:02:03Am I doing a good job?
01:02:06Mwah! Mwah-mwah-mwah-mwah! Mwah-mwah-mwah! Mwah-mwah-mwah-mwah!
01:02:20The patient shall fall into a deep, deep slumber.
01:02:25We...
01:02:30The patient shall soon feel better.
01:02:34Then we can look at the sheep.
01:02:37We can look at the sheep.
01:02:42The sheep.
01:02:45The sheep.
01:02:49The sheep.
01:02:53The sheep.
01:02:55The sheep.
01:02:58The sheep.
01:03:01The sheep.
01:03:04The sheep.
01:03:08The sheep.
01:03:12The sheep.
01:03:18Bye.
01:03:22Bye.
01:06:01Which is why I am thinking, what could be wonderful?
01:06:05And then I just realized, it could be wonderful to have one more of your signature hot chocolates with real cocoa and some marshmallows and whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles and cow's milk.
01:06:19Then I can feel fully recuperated.
01:06:23You sure you're not drinking too much hot chocolate, mate?
01:06:27And while you're at it, maybe you're also eating too many marshmallows.
01:06:31I am neither drinking too much hot chocolate, nor am I eating too many marshmallows.
01:06:47And don't forget the chocolate sprinkles.
01:06:51I need to be pampered.
01:06:53I did nearly drown today, as we both know, or maybe someone attempted to kill me.
01:07:03No more footstruckies.
01:07:07You know I already made you two of my signature hot shockies.
01:07:11I cycled to the shop to get all the ingredients, too.
01:07:15Yes!
01:07:16Yes!
01:07:17Yes!
01:07:18And you attempted to kill me earlier.
01:07:20Hey!
01:07:21Hey!
01:07:22I didn't know you can't swim!
01:07:23Hey!
01:07:24I didn't know you can't swim!
01:07:25Listen to me, boy.
01:07:27I came to this Scottish cottage for a special reason.
01:07:29To collaborate with you.
01:07:30Because I'm a musical legend.
01:07:31Because I'm a musical legend.
01:07:32Because I figured you needed some help.
01:07:37Turns out you are so insanely jealous of me and my talent, like how I can play every instrument
01:07:50under the sun, that you try to kill me in the Scottish Sea!
01:08:02Do you realize who you're speaking to?
01:08:05It's me.
01:08:06Look at me.
01:08:07The cute one.
01:08:08The one the girls go mad for.
01:08:10Realize who you're speaking to.
01:08:13How dare you?
01:08:16You come to my Scottish cottage and insult me and claim I tried to kill you.
01:08:22You're the only adult I've ever met that can't swim.
01:08:25And I'm the only musical genius in this Scottish cottage.
01:08:30Forget musical legend.
01:08:35I'm talking genius.
01:08:37It's time for you to pack your crappy handbag, crap bag, and sling your hook, mate.
01:08:43I'm not leaving.
01:08:46Not until you apologize for attempted murder.
01:08:49I'm not apologizing for nothing, mate.
01:08:52Apology requested.
01:08:54Apology denied!
01:08:56I need hot chocky.
01:08:58I want hot chocky.
01:09:00Need hot chocky.
01:09:01Want hot chocky.
01:09:02Need hot chocky.
01:09:03Need hot chocky.
01:09:04Want hot chocky.
01:09:05I looked in the attic.
01:09:06I looked downstairs.
01:09:07No hot chocky anywhere.
01:09:09Fucking wake up!
01:09:12I'm going!
01:09:13I looked in the street.
01:09:15I looked in the yard.
01:09:17Finding hot chocky never seemed so hard.
01:09:20I don't know.
01:09:50Hey, I'm hungry, too.
01:09:56I'm coming in, and I'm telling you now.
01:10:00Don't you dare come in.
01:10:01This is a private veggie feast for residents.
01:10:04Resistance is utterly and absolutely pointless.
01:10:10There is nothing you can do about my forced entry.
01:10:14I shall enter on the count of three.
01:10:17One, two, three.
01:10:26Enter.
01:10:34Oh, we're grilling, are we?
01:10:37The veggie feast on this grill tray is all mine.
01:10:41I disagree.
01:10:43You can disagree all you like.
01:10:45Facts are facts.
01:10:47I'm gonna lunge for your veggie feast on the count of three.
01:10:53One, two, three.
01:10:56LUNGE!
01:10:57This is my veggie feast.
01:10:59Get your own veggie feast.
01:11:01Get on a bike and go to the local shop like I did.
01:11:08Hang on.
01:11:09Sorry.
01:11:09Actually, the shop's closed.
01:11:11You're too late, and it's on my bike, and you're not allowed to use it.
01:11:15Mmm, and this is one delicious veggie sausage.
01:11:26I love the golden breadcrumbs that are covering every single bite I take.
01:11:32I love veggie munching.
01:11:34I want to do some veggie munching.
01:11:37Okay.
01:11:40You asked for it.
01:11:43First, you shall experience the veggie sausage.
01:11:51You like that?
01:11:53Yeah, I do, actually.
01:11:55But now I want to dress up like a ghost from yesteryear.
01:11:58All right.
01:12:28All right.
01:20:28You know that thing that twins have when they can finish each other's sentences?
01:20:33I think we have that.
01:20:36We definitely do.
01:20:38I wanted to finish each other's sentences, but when you said finish each other's sentences,
01:20:44I knew what you're going to say.
01:20:46It felt too obvious, do you know what I mean?
01:20:54You know what I mean?
01:20:55Of course I know what you mean?
01:21:02Of course you do.
01:21:03Of course you do.
01:21:09So you know what you do, you know what you're going to say.
01:21:10Even though you're going to do it.
01:21:11It's not even though I'd be hard-pressed to say I had the best of times here.
01:21:17Also, let me tell you, you're the first person I've ever told this to because you're the only person here.
01:21:24I think something truly special will come out of our time together here.
01:21:29Oh, that's for sure. Something truly special will come out of it. Something magical. Something radical.
01:21:39We can change the way people think.
01:21:43Yes, we can.
01:21:47We have the power, the power to change the way people think.
01:21:53We do, because we can do it in the form of a song.
01:21:59We can change people's minds with a song.
01:22:03Just a simple song.
01:22:07Just a simple song.
01:22:11We are in perfect harmony.
01:22:17We are in perfect harmony.
01:22:27Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.
01:22:31Hey, how did you know I do that?
01:22:37Oh, people are always talking about it.
01:22:42In a good way?
01:22:44In a good way?
01:22:45In a good way?
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