- 3 months ago
Waiting for Guffman (1996) is a mockumentary comedy directed by Christopher Guest that follows the eccentric residents of the small town of Blaine, Missouri, as they prepare a community theater production celebrating their town’s history. Expect quirky characters, hilarious improvisation, and sharp satire on small-town life and amateur theater. The film is a cult classic, known for its witty humor, memorable performances, and clever take on human ambition and creativity.
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PeopleTranscript
00:00:00First of all, I want to thank everybody for coming, giving up your lunch hours and all
00:00:26that. And Lord knows, very exciting for all of us. Happy to be here. Oh, me too. Absolutely. And
00:00:31let's just get our hands right into it. Who wants to start us off? I'll be happy to start. You know
00:00:35what? Gwen, why don't you start us off? Okay. You don't need the pointer here, do you? No, I don't
00:00:40need the pointer. I'll just hold on to it then. Oh, she's fine. Gwen? There is a concern that I have
00:00:44that I think needs addressing is that we can't have the port-a-potties too far off the main route
00:00:49because we do have a lot of seniors. We've solved that. We're going to take the port-a-potties and
00:00:54put them right over here. They're not going to be in the way. We're going to put a receptacle
00:00:58over near Arts and Crafts. These are the big bins you're talking about? Yeah. We've got barrels too.
00:01:03We've got barrels. And we're going to put the barrels on every corner. Wait a minute, that's the crate?
00:01:07No, that's the big barrel. That's the big barrel because you've got the pie eating going on right
00:01:11over here. It's more of a dumpster than a barrel. Now, that's another thing. If anything happens like
00:01:13last year with that pie eating, which brings me to a point, security. Security. I say we put a
00:01:20gun. A rifle on here. A man with a rifle here and rifle here. Protect the whole square.
00:01:26Don't start that. From Greenville. Every year he has to bring this up.
00:01:29Remember how much we got egged last year? Absolutely.
00:01:31What can I tell you? We're pleased as punch. We are so proud. We know that whatever we do here
00:01:37is a first for Blaine and a first for Missouri, that whatever we do is going to be the standard
00:01:41against which all other sesquicentennials, that's the 150, will be judged. The people of Blaine
00:01:49are can-do people. In fact, there's an old saying in Missouri that if you don't like
00:01:54the weather, just wait five minutes. In Blaine, I honestly believe with hard work, we can get
00:02:00that down to three or four minutes.
00:02:02Here in our sesquicentennial year, we've got a lot to talk about. There's a lot to be proud
00:02:07of, and we're very proud of it, and I think it's about time that the world knows more about
00:02:10Blaine. We're chomping at the bit, certainly, from this end to get it out there. It all started
00:02:16with Blaine Faven. He was hired by 30 settlers to lead a wagon train expedition from Philadelphia
00:02:22to California. On the 14th night, word has it they were sitting around the campfire, and
00:02:27Blaine said, do you smell it? You smell the salt in the air. He said, we're here. I brought
00:02:33you to California. And so there was a big party that night, and the next morning they got
00:02:36up. They didn't see the ocean because they were in Missouri. Blaine was able to convince
00:02:45them for a little while that it was just low tide and things, but what had happened was
00:02:48that he had made some mistakes. Bad weather wasn't familiar, perhaps, with the proper route.
00:02:53But as it turns out, everybody was quite happy to be where they were, so they said, it's okay,
00:02:56we didn't make it to California. We'll stay here. And that's why I'm at this desk.
00:03:01Well, I'm very proud to say that I'm a direct descendant of Blaine Faven. I've lived here
00:03:07all my life, as did my parents and their parents and their parents and their parents and so
00:03:13on and so forth. I'm very excited about the show coming up because it'll be the first time
00:03:19I'll have the experience of sitting in the audience and seeing actors portray my ancestor,
00:03:28the actual Blaine Faven. Being a Faven is not always easy. I can certainly understand how
00:03:37the Kennedys feel.
00:03:38I had been living in New York and working there as an actor and director and choreographer
00:03:44for 25 years or so, and I really felt I needed a change. I imagined in my fantasy, I suppose,
00:03:52that when I came here, I would have a completely different life. Perhaps a construction worker
00:04:01or one of those guys that works on those high wire things with a hard hat, you know, that
00:04:08sweeping sort of hat and with the chaps. But that didn't really work out. I began to realize,
00:04:16I guess, that the theater was still in my blood and what I had to do was make use of that. So,
00:04:23I offered my services to the high school here and they accepted and I began to teach drama. And within
00:04:31about six months I had formed the Blaine Community Players. I gotta tell you we are very, very excited
00:04:36about the big show that's happening at the end of the festival. Everyone right now is just going crazy
00:04:42getting ready to audition. And unfortunately, I won't be able to audition. We have to stock that day
00:04:48and can't get out of it. And Corky will not let me audition any other time. So, that's show business
00:04:54is what he told me. And, you know, he's the master. You gotta give him credit for that.
00:04:59President McKinley did a whistle-stop tour back in 1898. And a little boy, Jimmy McBean,
00:05:05made a stool for him. And he loved it so much that he called back and said,
00:05:09Lookit, I would like to give more of these to dignitaries who are visiting. And before you knew it,
00:05:15uh, Blaine is manufacturing all these footstools. And, uh, that's how the big...
00:05:21That's how we got the stool boom. Blaine became the stool capital of the world.
00:05:26My first show was Barefoot in the Park, which was an absolute smash. But my production
00:05:32on the stage of Backdraft was what really got them excited. This whole idea of in-your-face theater
00:05:40really affected them. The conceptualization, the whole abstraction, the obtuseness of this production,
00:05:47to me, was what was interesting. I wanted the audience to feel the heat from the fire,
00:05:53the fear, because people don't like fire poked, poked in their noses. You know, when you get a cinder
00:05:59from barbecue right on the end of your nose, and you-you kind of make that little face.
00:06:03That's not a good thing. I wanted to have the-the sense memory of that. So during the show,
00:06:09I had someone burn newspapers and-and send it through the vents in the theater. Well, they freaked out.
00:06:17Of course, the fire marshal came over, and they shut us down for a couple of days.
00:06:22Mr. Blustein, Montezuma's revenge is nothing more than good old-fashioned American diarrhea.
00:06:28Adult diapers should never even enter the picture. So you lose a few pounds.
00:06:35My mom used to say that Blaine is a little town with a big heart in the heart of a big country.
00:06:41And, uh, to me, Blaine is a kind of town where I can have my own business,
00:06:47meet and marry a wonderful woman like Sheila,
00:06:50and-and be something. Be somebody.
00:06:54Some people find it ironical that even though we run a travel agency,
00:06:58we've never been outside of Blaine.
00:07:00With one exception.
00:07:01Well...
00:07:03You-you left Blaine.
00:07:05Well, I went to Jefferson City once. It was a-
00:07:08For the what?
00:07:09There's a medical reason.
00:07:13You can tell.
00:07:15It's just minor surgery.
00:07:21I've been working here at the DQ for about, um...
00:07:28Eight months? Seven?
00:07:31I don't know, something like that. It's fine.
00:07:34Just do the cones.
00:07:36Make sundies, make blizzards, and...
00:07:39Put stuff on them, and...
00:07:41See a lot of people come in. A lot of people come to the DQ.
00:07:45Burgers. Ice cream.
00:07:48Anything, you know?
00:07:50Cokes. Just drive in and get a Coke. If you're thirsty.
00:07:55Everybody thinks that Roswell was the first sighting of a UFO in the United States.
00:08:01And that's bull roar.
00:08:03Uh, we had the first sighting here in 1946.
00:08:05And it wasn't just a sighting. It didn't even fly by.
00:08:08They stopped. They landed.
00:08:10The people in Blaine went on board the ship for a potluck dinner.
00:08:14I've been coming out to this landing site every day for two years to measure it.
00:08:21And here's the thing.
00:08:23The circumference and the diameter change by a few inches.
00:08:28Yet the radius remains the same.
00:08:31Which brings me back to the number five.
00:08:33There are five letters in the name Blaine.
00:08:36Mix the word Blaine up. Mix it around.
00:08:39Eventually, you'll get Nabali.
00:08:41Nabali. The name of the planet in a galaxy way, way, way far away.
00:08:49I'll tell you another thing. Once you step inside this circle, the weather never changes.
00:08:56It is always 67 degrees with a 40% chance of rain. Always.
00:09:03I love to make people laugh and I've been doing it since, you know, school.
00:09:09People ask me, were you, uh, you know, were you, you must have been the class clown.
00:09:14And I say, uh, no, I wasn't.
00:09:18But I sat beside the class clown and I, I studied him.
00:09:23And, uh, and saw how he made people laugh.
00:09:27And so I picked some things up and, uh, you know, and at parties and family functions,
00:09:32I, I have to say, I, I love, you know, breaking people up.
00:09:36So there's a thing that I think I got, uh, an entertaining bug from my grandfather, uh, Chaim Perlgut,
00:09:45who was very, very big in the, uh, Yiddish, uh, theater back in New York.
00:09:51He was in the, the very, the sardonically irreverent, Dibbik Shmibbik, I Said More Ham.
00:10:00And that review, I believe, was 1914.
00:10:03And that review is what made him famous.
00:10:06Incidentally, the song, Booby Made a Kishka, came from that review.
00:10:12My, my father, bless him, brought me into the, into the business.
00:10:17This was his dental practice, uh, before.
00:10:20And I joke with my wife that, uh, you know, at that point,
00:10:23that's when the, uh, the money started, uh, rolling in, you know.
00:10:29Brave, making more wampum to buy pelts.
00:10:39One happy squaw and wigwam, happy as mongoose.
00:10:45That, uh, is, of course, from Johnny Carson, who, uh, one of my, uh, heroes in a very funny bit.
00:10:53When I see lips waiting to be kissed, I can't stop.
00:10:59I can't stop for that lightning.
00:11:02Oh, it's striking again.
00:11:05Yeah.
00:11:07Lightning's striking again and again and again and again.
00:11:15I'm gonna do a scene from the movie, Raging Bull.
00:11:22You fucked my wife?
00:11:27What?
00:11:28You fucked my wife?
00:11:30How can you ask me a question like that?
00:11:32How can you ask me?
00:11:33I'm your brother and you ask me that?
00:11:35Where do you get the balls big enough to ask me that?
00:11:37Basically, uh, for the last 15 years, I have been the music teacher at, uh, Blaine High.
00:11:45Um, and part of my job, and a very important part, is to put on a show every year, which I have done completely by myself.
00:11:55This year, it's going to be different because Corky, uh, being from New York, being a professional, uh, and having put on some very theatrical productions here, uh, is going to be directing the show this year.
00:12:14And I'm going to be the musical director, which is different for me.
00:12:18Teacher's pet, I wanna be teacher's pet, I wanna be huddled and cuddled as close to you as I can get.
00:12:34Teacher's pride, I wanna be teacher's pride.
00:12:43Teacher, let me ask you-
00:12:50Dr. Pearl, how are you? Ron Albertson?
00:12:55My wife Sheila, you remember her from previous bills?
00:12:58beggar Lastly, I'm her, uh, you know, trying out for the-for the big show.
00:13:03Well, congratulations.
00:13:04I told my wife I'd come out for this, uh, show and give-and, you know, I thought I'd give it a shot, yes?
00:13:08my wife i'd come out for this uh show and give and you know i thought i'd give it a shot yes
00:13:12give it your best shot which won't be the first shot you ever gave hope it doesn't leave quirky
00:13:16numb like most of them it's like pulling teeth to get a discount from him hey why don't you give
00:13:20some carmels to the little girl future customers and all so i can be teacher's pet long after
00:13:29school is through teacher teacher i love you i dream of genie with a light brown hair
00:13:53floating like a vapor on the soft summer air look out camp town races sing this song doo-dah doo-dah
00:14:08camp town racetrack five miles long oh doo-dah-dee wind run all night winds run all day bet my money
00:14:17on the bobtail neck somebody bit on the bay bay bay bay way down upon the swanee river
00:14:32floating like a vapor on the soft summer air
00:14:47the water on the soft summer air
00:14:59very nice very that was very good good well thank you dr pearl well thank you very much
00:15:06thank you and we'll let you know very good thank you thank you
00:15:11you know he knows he can actually she's good you know
00:15:30ding dong oh i wonder who knows i'm vacationing here at the oasis
00:15:35am i late you surprised how did you find me i have my ways would you like to come in for coffee
00:15:48you don't need to answer there's no need to speak
00:15:53i'll be your belly dancer
00:16:01and i will be your sheep i don't need a harem honey
00:16:09when you're by my side and you won't need a camel no no when i take you for a ride
00:16:19we'll need some coffee to go with that ride won't we we're always full of surprises
00:16:26but say i wonder do we have time for that coffee what time is it what time is it haven't you been
00:16:31paying attention it's midnight at the oasis
00:16:38oh thank you good that was great thank you really good well thanks a lot thanks for coming
00:16:48leave the uh great now why don't you just put that back there strike it yeah we've done a few
00:16:53shows for corky before so we know all the terms already going in thanks so much it was really fun
00:16:58thank you thank you wow i'm feeling good about where we stand now with our cast i think that
00:17:09the elements as dr watson said to sherlock are coming together sir i'm very excited about ron and
00:17:18sheila the old standbys the workhorses i call them the lunts of blaine alan pearl interesting how do
00:17:26these people where do they come from you know sure i'd seen them around it would never have occurred
00:17:30to me to walk up to the dentist and say you know are you interested in this but i was shopping for
00:17:38my wife bonnie i buy most of her clothes and mrs pearl was in the same shop and it just was an accident
00:17:49you know we started talking about pantyhose she was saying whatever that's not the point of the story
00:17:56but what the point is was that through this accidental meeting it's like you know it's like a hitchcock
00:18:03movie where you know you're thrown into a rubber bag and put in the trunk of a car you find people
00:18:11you find them something it is it karma maybe but we found him that's the important thing and i got bonnie
00:18:23a wonderful pantsuit they took me off into a separate room i seen him taking different people
00:18:29off different ones of us off in separate rooms and put me on a big white table and uh the guy that
00:18:36to take me there the one of them that took me in there to examine me i guess he probed me and then
00:18:43i was in there i i bet more than three or four hours in that room being probed and at one time or another
00:18:50there's different ones of them come in four or five six of them at different times and all of them
00:18:54probed me uh not all at once you know individually later on years later now even still uh it's a funny
00:19:03thing that on happened on a sunday and every sunday about the time that i was taken on board that
00:19:10that ship i find i have no feelings in my buttocks casting a show is really only the beginning of
00:19:19the process there's also the whole design concept what fabrics will work for the costumes
00:19:27the lighting and it really becomes a wrestling match i guess between me and the muse of theater
00:19:34and most of all dance
00:19:55i'd like you to close your eyes now i'd like you to try something all right
00:19:58now what are you thinking what are you feeling right now with your eyes closed
00:20:05i feel a you're blowing in my ear okay all right bc you jumped to a conclusion oh see what i'm asking
00:20:11for is your first feeling was not that i was blowing on you it was more like virgin isles or bahamanian or
00:20:22a ruby yes or yeah he's at his rehearsal he's at his first rehearsal i don't know what they're doing
00:20:29because i'd never been to one before but uh i bet they're just uh you know introducing themselves to
00:20:34each other you know it's going to be nice to meet some of these um new folks because uh we don't
00:20:40socialize with uh the creative types you know we got our scrabble club and stuff and um
00:20:46um you know and and other people with babies well the exercises all mean something even if you don't
00:21:01know what dr pearl will he'll come around and he'll learn like uh ron and sheila and i have learned
00:21:12that corkey has a vision
00:21:26i uh i'm walking on air you know i'm this is a sensation which is forget it when i became a
00:21:49dentist i thought i was happy but this is uh this is making me nervous now because i
00:21:54i i could have wasted a lot of years i must say i was very shocked to see that dr pearl had
00:22:00actually been cast then i thought well we're in a glamour profession being travel agents and he isn't
00:22:06in such a glamorous you know one thing one project we have to loosen him up i have a feeling he's a
00:22:11little tight he's particularly when he's around us probably i don't think he'll mind jokes you're
00:22:16intimidating ron because you you have so much experience i know ron is going to help everyone
00:22:21act because i know ron gives me um well in all the productions we've been in and when we do scene
00:22:26studies at home together um ron will have extensive you know hour two hour sessions of notes for me
00:22:33and it's so helpful it's notes for both of us just that you get most of them he's trying to help me to
00:22:39change my instincts or at least ignore them listen let me let me tell you why i'm here we're doing a show
00:22:47i won't beat around the bush we're doing a show that i've written about the 150th anniversary of
00:22:52blaine and i know you're an old blainean yes and you're really right for one of the parts it's the
00:23:00narrator in the show one of the actor parts yeah oh i don't know why i've heard i think you're being
00:23:07modest because i've heard you've had some history in show business well you know i did have a i had a
00:23:14hankering to be an actor when i was a young fella when i got out of the coast guard but i i went to
00:23:20taxidermy school instead well i took a correspondence course i'll tell you something mr woolly what i'm
00:23:27looking for in my shows are actors and people that are willing to work hard well yeah yeah i'm a hard
00:23:35worker as you can see oh i love all the the work you've done that's a little gun rack made out of
00:23:43uh deer hooves oh yeah boy i didn't know deers could could do that you know
00:23:53i know this comes out of left field but i'm looking for uh another actor right i was wondering
00:23:57if you had any interest in in participating in the show does that appeal to you in any way i'm not much
00:24:04of an actor i'm sorry no i mean i've never done that anything like that before really uh-huh okay fair
00:24:11enough but it might be interesting you know after uh what do you get off tonight what time do you
00:24:16get off tonight well i get off at eight at eight tonight yeah really that's that's a long day yeah
00:24:24and uh this is uh mr st clare he's a drama guy yeah and um at eight o'clock you're off though right
00:24:32yeah well i have to tell you i'm not much of an actor or singer well you know what that's what uh
00:24:37charles lawton said you know and look look what happened did you uh change the fan build on that
00:24:43blue chevy no i haven't done that yet when you get done here will you get on it yeah
00:24:48um so how tall are you six two really wow
00:25:02when we say nothing ever happens in blaine could we try you two singing blaine where we really hear the
00:25:10n at the end and you guys just go nothing ever happens in blaine don't say the no they say the
00:25:17nose and the same thing nothing ever happens it's all the same and you sing it's all the say let's try
00:25:24it once okay gene one two three and i know it's hard to jump into this because it must seem like a you
00:25:31know a new world but we're going to ease you into it and if you ever have any questions you can always
00:25:37call me out i'll give you my i have a private number it's not listed so don't lose it and do not
00:25:43give it out to to anyone how how ridge i could not tell for the sun yeah but the sun hits yeah not
00:25:52pinching your shirt i want the i want you see hooking those thumbs um yeah there you go
00:25:57yeah just that's right how high ridge i could not tell see what's happening with your voice already
00:26:06because you're it's almost as if like you're squeezing your boobies out and it's it's going
00:26:10to be going out to that audience pushing it right up yeah well that's i could try to how right huh
00:26:15oh how high ridge i could not tell
00:26:29even time okay all right robin and nasty okay all right good
00:26:43it's
00:26:45by the pool in the stool by the fire mule it's the rule
00:26:51there's a stool there's a stool
00:26:55as upon a time you'd find a chair the chairs were fools everybody
00:27:01i don't want to interfere but i think it would be
00:27:29i think we have to work i can't hear you i think we have to work on the music a little bit more
00:27:37but i don't want to make trouble so i don't really want to do this in front of them
00:27:44but i think where do you want to do it well i think we have to sit down and make a schedule that
00:27:51includes some some music time because i think gene and i have to why are you whispering i'm right here
00:28:00you know i don't i'm sorry do you want me to talk louder
00:28:06because i i think that it would be loud you know just talk like a normal person okay
00:28:12i think what they were doing was good well to me you rehearse you rehearse you rehearse perfect you
00:28:19know exactly what you're doing and then then you forget about it let me pinpoint you you said they
00:28:24learn it they forget it and that's okay that's great well they've forgotten it but they never learned
00:28:30it so when do they learn it i'm just saying when do we have it but what i'm saying is that they're
00:28:34gonna forget it anyway then what difference does it make i mean you see what i mean it's just like
00:28:38it's like one of those it's like a it's like a it's a zen thing it's like you know you know how many
00:28:45babies you know fit in in the in the tire thing that hold the old joke you know no you have a point
00:28:53uh it's an interesting point and how'd you find this place well we've been uh coming here for many
00:29:02many years oh yeah we come every thursday well with the rehearsals you won't be able to now
00:29:07this is true you know in china they will kill a monkey at the table and split its head over
00:29:11and eat the brains right out of it we had friends barbara and bruce remember who went to china and i'm
00:29:20sure you're in the travel business that you've been there but they went to peking where they make the
00:29:25ducks and what they say is that the food over there is not as good you can't get a uh sauce as
00:29:32thick and sweet over there they don't make it like that their food is like steamed or something
00:29:36and they should have called you that's right yeah we got some good packages incidentally if you two
00:29:40ever want to get down to miami miami beach we've got a great package a week two weeks
00:29:44oh all expense yeah you get everything you need any kind of food and play you don't
00:29:50you know you get chinese here and no need we're talking about miami now dear yeah we'd love to go we'd
00:29:56love to we've got a great package a week two weeks like there aren't chinese people in miami
00:30:01well we should you know we've stopped what do you have to do of course there's chinese people in
00:30:04miami we're talking about china i'm talking about going to miami we're talking about miami
00:30:09dear why don't you put some food on your stomach before you have any one what's it what's that
00:30:15yeah i'll talk what's it like to be with a circumcised man
00:30:19i'd ask you more about that but ron said the whole jew things
00:30:28because when ron had his surgery all right all right all right when ron had his surgery i said hey
00:30:32circumcise it while you're at it you know just because i've never been with anyone else
00:30:37ron's the only man i've been with what surgery uh did he have minor uh corrective surgery can we have
00:30:43some coffee at this table please it's not minor anymore well maybe you know we should change the
00:30:51subject i had what you know most guys would uh dream of you know i and i had to have uh penis
00:30:59reduction surgery i'm sorry penis reduction which there aren't many you're gonna say i never heard
00:31:05of that because there haven't been many cases i said ron do something and he said why don't you get one of
00:31:11those vagina enlargements oh dear can we have some coffee over here have you tried the april's
00:31:16unbelievable let me ask you something you're a medical man yes i i want to ask you something if
00:31:22you oh no oh for heaven's sake no no no please i just don't have to do that doctor please medicine
00:31:28man not go near dances with stumpy no everybody everybody i have a little announcement to make
00:31:35i wasn't going to tell you i sent out 10 letters to different producers in new york city great this
00:31:43is from the oppenheimer organization dear mr st claire in response to your letter re blaine missouri's 150th
00:31:53anniversary and the debut of your original musical red white and blaine the oppenheimer organization is
00:32:02delighted to inform you that it will be sending a representative mr mort guffman to view the
00:32:09production and enlighten us with his comments we thank you for the invitation and it says best regards
00:32:18samuel oppenheimer jr wow what does this mean corgi what it means is we may be going to broadway
00:32:32oh great news my aunt i brought out her atlas that i look at a lot this big blue book and
00:32:45opened up to new york and it's an island is really what it is it's this island full of people of
00:32:53different colors and different ideas and i can't it sounds like a lot of fun to me you know we don't
00:32:59see much of that in blaine i like to maybe meet some guys and italian guys or you know watch tv and
00:33:11stuff i i'm going to be glad to do the show on broadway and there'll probably be other offers
00:33:16keeping our fingers crossed but i don't know if the theater and the stage is for me i mean for one thing
00:33:22there's an awful lot of memorizing of lines and i think and i think you know what i'm thinking
00:33:26yeah that's always the ultimate goal hollywood uh even when i was a kid doing my impressions and
00:33:33here's looking at you babe and uh you don't care about anyone but yourself
00:33:41who is it henry fond i always have to tell her who i'm doing she always laughs but now who is that
00:33:47but i think back there there's always the germ in my mind that that's where i'd end up on the
00:33:50on the silver screen and you got the face for it too darlin you know i want to try that less is
00:33:56more kind of acting where you just when you're talking to someone you close your eyes and then
00:34:01you look at them when you're not talking to the person i mean you open your eyes when you're looking
00:34:05away but then when you talk to the person you go like that and you open your eyes and then you look
00:34:08back at the person but you never open your eyes when you're talking to them the guffman news is really
00:34:12big and uh i don't truthfully think that the cast understand how big um they don't know the new york
00:34:21thing they haven't been through it and i have you know so it is kind of on my shoulders and
00:34:28going to the big apple for the first time you know is such an experience you never forget it it stays
00:34:34with you for your whole life me you know right out of the navy you know fresh off a destroyer
00:34:40uh with a dance belt and a tube of chapstick basically you know not really much to call my own
00:34:46and then basically being slammed down for 10 or so years you know off off off off broadway and then
00:34:54enough is enough okay i get the joke and is that going to happen again i don't know i mean and i
00:35:00don't want it to happen again in my deepest deepest of hearts i do not want it to happen again mr guffman
00:35:07brings with him a reputation something bigger than anyone in this town has ever known and if i am to
00:35:14get back to new york city on my terms i cannot deliver him a stinky product i really have to be
00:35:23presenting him a package a beautifully wrapped glossy sweet smelling show what i need
00:35:32from you because you're the bosses of the town essentially and i know that is
00:35:41this is so hard i mean this there's nothing easy about this you know this is like you know when
00:35:46you're getting your legs waxed and they whip that thing off real fast that's what this is like
00:35:51i need more money wow how much do you need steve's right how much you're thinking of now okay
00:36:02what i need
00:36:03what i need is a hundred thousand dollars
00:36:15oh brother he is good yeah let me explain let me explain what
00:36:24oh man my heart stopped for a second here he's got some money
00:36:27all right let me just explain really what that entails i bought it all the way by the way
00:36:34he's serious glenn he's he's not kidding
00:36:37carkey our entire budget for the entire year is is fifteen thousand dollars for everything and
00:36:42that includes swimming well i don't have any swimming in my show i mean i mean the pool
00:36:48we have to keep up the pool that's everything the entire year is a hundred thousand dollars
00:36:53look you're nice from all glad to hear but if if i may be blunt what's wrong with you
00:37:03so what i'm understanding here correct me if i'm wrong is that you're not giving me
00:37:09any money so now i'm left basically with nothing i'm left with zero which in which what can i do with
00:37:16zero you know what can i i can't do anything with it i need to this is my life here we're talking about
00:37:21we're not just talking about you know something else we're talking about my life you know and
00:37:25it's forcing me to do something i don't want to do to leave to go out and just leave and go home and say
00:37:33make a clean cut here and say no way corky you're not putting up with these people and i'll tell you
00:37:39why i can't put up with you people because you're bastard people that's what you are you're just
00:37:45bastard people and i'm going home and i'm gonna i'm gonna bite my pillow it's what i'm gonna do
00:37:57you know what do you use on your skin vaseline you use petroleum jelly on your skin yeah you are
00:38:02getting away with murder libby what do you mean you're young and it's okay but have i told you
00:38:06about an announcement i have to talk to you i'm gonna have to talk excuse me libby i have to talk to you
00:38:11all right okay i'm gonna round us up hold on yes just talk to you dr pearl good morning good
00:38:16morning good morning we have an announcement we have to talk all right okay gather around please
00:38:22gather around libby sheila excuse me from thank you dr pearl please be quiet i have an announcement
00:38:30we've got to listen up here excuse me are we going to be vocalizing we will be before we start i'd like
00:38:35to clear my throat yes we'll be doing we'll be vocalizing we'll be doing a lot of excuse me please
00:38:44everybody let's be serious now just for a moment and let's all listen up okay corky has left the show
00:38:51and i am taking over and what i want to do today is start with some music do dancing and work on our
00:38:57lines and my hope is at the end of five days we will know what we're doing and we will have a show
00:39:03corky's left you mean he's left for today or permanently quit the show and it's my show
00:39:12clark
00:39:14corky
00:39:20boy i'm gonna do that twice a day that's good exercise you know most athletic injuries is he not
00:39:24answering corky we love you corky open up corky
00:39:28corky we love you we want you to live there may be something wrong try the door
00:39:33we want to be alone right now i didn't forgive myself that something was wrong just shut up just shut
00:39:50shut up jesus christ freeze freeze crazy people let's go i know how you feel too
00:40:00guess i could just go back to the dairy queen you know
00:40:07they said they'd take me back
00:40:08i always have a place at the dairy queen
00:40:20you gotta stop crying she hasn't cried this much since the day we got married honestly
00:40:25you know this is wonderful why didn't i react like this when i was playing football for the blaine
00:40:32panthers and our quarterback went down with a dislocated knee i should have said time out
00:40:36you're strong you're just a big brick let's delay the game and my lip would tremble and i say we have
00:40:42an injured quarterback let's give up no you know we did we brought in the second string quarterback
00:40:47when he went down we brought in the third string quarterback and we went out and we whipped the pants
00:40:51off of harry truman high school and next week went out and mopped the floor with blessed uh heart of
00:40:56mary and they went on to win the state championship to tell you the truth i haven't even thought about it
00:41:08not for not for a second have i even dwelled on the fact that the show's over i don't um i don't uh
00:41:14think about it i i try not to think about it and therefore i you know don't because it's a very healthy
00:41:20way to deal with something that is very ultimately not that important in the long run it's not
00:41:26not uh not important at all you know for me
00:41:34i'm just so sad for corky you know i mean i think these creative people they're real emotional and um
00:41:42i think the important thing about show biz people is that you got to have another life and i i know
00:41:47you know uh he he's he's got a wife i guess she's out of town uh because i i haven't seen her and i've
00:41:55never seen her so you know that's that could be the problem you know maybe she's just not supportive
00:42:02corky without you there's no show without the show there's no celebration without celebration
00:42:07there's no blame so you see how it's a domino effect you know how dominoes do that without blaine
00:42:14i got news for you there's no missouri blaine is the heart of missouri what happens if missouri goes
00:42:19down you tell me we need the magic back in the show is what we need and it ain't gonna happen with
00:42:26lloyd lloyd is a music teacher and he shops at walmart he doesn't even support the town but the person
00:42:33who needs you the most is blaine fabin and i'm not just saying that because i am okay okay i'm saying
00:42:43that because i just know that nobody can touch um that whole thing that whole thing hmm you could take
00:42:55a nickel and you could make it into a million dollars because this man is a genius and we cannot lose that
00:43:00look what you did with barefoot when you came to this town did you have any budget then you didn't
00:43:04have a hundred thousand dollars then and look what happened to that show great show and what
00:43:07about backdraft you took a little bit of cellophane and you made it into flames you can still feel
00:43:12the heat you know what you're not wrong we need you to take your magic wand and wave it
00:43:20and make this town special again is what we need
00:43:22and make this town special again is what we need will you do it please come on back cork
00:43:36thank you okay let's pretend that it never happened okay and let's just jump into covered wagons all
00:44:03right let's start from the dance part all right covered wagons in a funny way what the city council
00:44:18did was really give me a challenge and it's a challenge that i am going to accept it's like
00:44:24in the olden days in the days in france when men would slap each other with their gloves
00:44:30and say you know d'artagnan you know how dare you talk to me like that you and smack him
00:44:44and say you know how dare you talk to me like that you and smack him and say you know how dare you
00:44:56come on and say you know how dare you tell me to do it but it's like you know how dare you
00:45:02I did want to mention one thing.
00:45:14Mm-hmm.
00:45:15Specs, 1845, you know, I think it's a little problem, you know.
00:45:24Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
00:45:27My glasses.
00:45:28Yeah.
00:45:29You're saying I can't...
00:45:30I don't think you should wear them.
00:45:31You don't wear them in the shelves?
00:45:33Mostly in covered wagons, because I think that that's the one where it's just not as believable.
00:45:39Of course, when you get further up in time, historically, it's...
00:45:44I can see a couple of problems, nothing major and nothing that we can't solve.
00:45:49One, contrary to public opinion, I don't see very well without my glasses.
00:45:57So, you know, I'm thinking, is that going to be a problem for me?
00:46:01Just look out.
00:46:03And the other thing, which is also a problem, is I have a very lazy eye, which these prescription glasses help correct.
00:46:16One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, and...
00:46:20Blue sky, blue sea, blue sea, blue grass, blue sea.
00:46:28There is fire in our hearts that helps us country strong.
00:46:33There is fire in our hearts that helps us sing this song.
00:46:37Getting off the horse is not a problem.
00:46:39I can get off the horse like that.
00:46:41But where I'm having a problem is sometimes the horse comes out and I can't get past the cow.
00:46:46So, I have to kind of, you know, do this when I come out.
00:46:49Gather round, for I have news.
00:46:51I don't know which is more lifelike, the horse or Dr. Pearl.
00:46:54You, will you come in?
00:46:58Yeah, from here, it just looks great.
00:47:00Yeah, I feel like, you know, a hero coming in.
00:47:03Hello?
00:47:04Ron?
00:47:05Yeah?
00:47:06What do you mean?
00:47:09Then we back up.
00:47:11So, wait till we turn around to you.
00:47:12Okay, but see, I've been waiting for you to turn around.
00:47:14What do you mean?
00:47:15What are you saying?
00:47:16Oh, you should.
00:47:17Shh.
00:47:18I understand that.
00:47:19No, I understand.
00:47:20Believe me, I do understand.
00:47:22What you can do is just say, absolutely not.
00:47:26Do you understand that?
00:47:28I, I don't believe that.
00:47:30No, I'm sorry, I, I do not accept that.
00:47:32That is not an answer, no.
00:47:34It's absolutely unacceptable that you would say this now.
00:47:37Not today.
00:47:38No.
00:47:41And that's the, that's the way it is?
00:47:44Then I just hate you, and I hate your ass face!
00:47:49Oh, my God.
00:47:50Look, Archie.
00:47:51What's up?
00:47:52Johnny's not in the show.
00:47:53His dad said he has to go back to work.
00:47:55He's not in the show.
00:47:56What does he think this is?
00:47:58School?
00:47:59That he can be marked absent one day?
00:48:01This is the day of the show.
00:48:03Oh, my God.
00:48:04Well, just, just...
00:48:05This is very strange.
00:48:07Ron, just, just, just, just let me think for a second, all right?
00:48:10I've just got to take a breath here and, and, and try to figure this out, all right?
00:48:14It's tight.
00:48:17Oh, that hurts.
00:48:18Oh, okay.
00:48:19You know what?
00:48:20If you could hike it up a little bit, you'd get a little more room.
00:48:21Well, I am pulling them up.
00:48:22I'm sort of trying to commit to one side here, dear.
00:48:23This is Johnny's costume, and Johnny is a lot, you know, he's a different body type than
00:48:30you are.
00:48:31This is, I don't, I'm worried because this won't, this is, I'm about five inches away.
00:48:35A lot of how I understand them.
00:48:42I understand.
00:48:44Actors, we're at 15 minutes.
00:48:45We're at 15.
00:48:46No, no, no, no, no, we got, we got to move them, come on.
00:48:51We're gonna have to help you.
00:48:58Here we go.
00:48:59Fuck.
00:48:59You're gonna be great.
00:49:01I'm so nervous.
00:49:02You're gonna be great, but just, and if there's an empty space, just say a line.
00:49:06That's what I like to do, even if it's from another show.
00:49:16Agnes, where's the lilac dress?
00:49:17You mean the purple one?
00:49:18Yes, where is it?
00:49:19Honey, I told you to lay off the hot fudge sundaes.
00:49:22I couldn't let the seams out.
00:49:23What? It's not here?
00:49:24No, it is not. Hello, sweetheart.
00:49:26Agnes!
00:49:32Oh, I destroyed my make-up!
00:49:42Hark, a rider approaches!
00:49:44Oh, God!
00:49:45It's all right, just careful.
00:49:48I hope that isn't too hot.
00:49:49No, no, it's just fine.
00:50:02No, no, it's just fine.
00:50:32May I remind you, please?
00:50:34No glasses for the first number.
00:50:36Oh, no, no, no.
00:50:37Actors, we're in places.
00:50:40Good show, everybody.
00:50:41Bright and light.
00:50:42Oh, no, no, no, no.
00:50:50Oh, no, no, no.
00:50:53Don't worry about anything,
00:51:18because it's going to all roll just...
00:51:20He's not here.
00:51:22Duffman?
00:51:23Not here.
00:51:24Okay.
00:51:25Hello, the garden?
00:51:26No, no, no.
00:51:27Everybody, look.
00:51:28Look.
00:51:29I've been through this a million times.
00:51:31These New York types like to come late.
00:51:33Believe me, I've never seen one of them come on time
00:51:36in all my years in the theater.
00:51:38Take a deep breath.
00:51:39Good.
00:51:40Blow it out.
00:51:41He's going to be here.
00:51:42Let's just do a good show, okay?
00:51:44Everybody do a good show.
00:51:45Hands in the middle.
00:51:47Whoa!
00:51:48Whoa!
00:51:50Good.
00:51:51Good.
00:51:52Good.
00:51:53Good.
00:51:54Good.
00:51:55Oh, howdy.
00:52:24I didn't see you sneak up on me there.
00:52:29But if you'd like, you're welcome to share my campfire with me.
00:52:34I was just fixing to get me some grub.
00:52:37Beans.
00:52:40I love beans.
00:52:42Big, fat, hot, juicy beans.
00:52:45Don't get me going on beans,
00:52:47or I'll be jabbering away till the sun comes up.
00:52:51But, you know, now that I've got your ear,
00:52:54there is a story I wouldn't mind sharing with you.
00:52:57It's a tall tale that grows taller with each passing year.
00:53:02It's the story of Blaine.
00:53:06Well, we've traveled long and far today.
00:53:22We must let the women and children rest.
00:53:24Don't you rest on our account, Daniel Potter.
00:53:27We women are just as strong and resilient as you men.
00:53:30Ha, ha, ha.
00:53:32I do believe you are, Rebecca.
00:53:34I do believe you are.
00:53:35California will be a sight for these weary eyes.
00:53:39Mine as well, Rebecca. Mine as well.
00:53:41But right now we need a campfire to warm our souls
00:53:43and to cook our food.
00:53:45Done.
00:53:47That will be quiet enough of that, Billy Whitaker.
00:53:56Just one kiss.
00:53:57There will be plenty of time for kissing when we get to California.
00:54:01If we get to California.
00:54:03Oh, we'll get there.
00:54:05Blaine Fabin will lead us there.
00:54:08Hark, a rider approaches.
00:54:10Blaine Fabin returns.
00:54:12Ho, ho, ho, there.
00:54:17Ho, steady.
00:54:20Gather round, for I have news.
00:54:24What news?
00:54:25What did your keen and perceptive eyes behold?
00:54:29Just up yonder there is a ridge.
00:54:33How high ridge I could not tell,
00:54:36for the sun had set and darkness fell before I reached its pinnacle.
00:54:40Then, a strange thing happened.
00:54:44My nose started twitching.
00:54:47There was a mysterious scent in the night air.
00:54:51What, what kind of scent?
00:54:53What was this mysterious scent?
00:54:55It was the scent of salt water.
00:54:58Salt water.
00:54:59Salt water.
00:55:00Salt water.
00:55:02Ladies and gentlemen, we have reached our destination.
00:55:06We have reached the Pacific.
00:55:08Welcome to California.
00:55:11Yay!
00:55:18Grab your fella by the hand.
00:55:20Welcome you to the promised land.
00:55:23Grab your lady by the arm.
00:55:25Take her out behind the barn.
00:55:32Everybody dance.
00:55:33Thanks for the day of the canyon.
00:55:36We have a nice
00:56:0360 years went by
00:56:30and the town of Blaine
00:56:32kept a-growing and a-changing.
00:56:34Every time he looked around, a new house was going up,
00:56:37a new family was moving in.
00:56:39Oh, hurry, Annie.
00:56:40Oh, I am trying to hurry. There we go.
00:56:43You got my hat?
00:56:44Your hat. Right here is your hat, darling.
00:56:47McGillicuddy's Orchard became the Blaine Elementary School.
00:56:51They even laid track for that new-fangled invention,
00:56:55the iron horse,
00:56:56which brought a pretty important visitor to Blaine.
00:57:01Yay!
00:57:02It's President Finley.
00:57:06Good people of Blaine,
00:57:08they told me my next stop was Wichita,
00:57:11but I said, what about Blaine?
00:57:14Yay!
00:57:16I guess I need a new travel agent.
00:57:21Mr. President,
00:57:23in honor of our visit,
00:57:26your visit to our town,
00:57:28I present you humbly
00:57:30with this fair key
00:57:32to our city.
00:57:34Well, I do declare,
00:57:35I believe the key to this city
00:57:36is larger than the city itself.
00:57:40Wait, Mr. President.
00:57:42Well, what have we here?
00:57:43It's a footstool.
00:57:45I make them.
00:57:47Well, isn't that interesting?
00:57:48I'll take this back to Washington with me,
00:57:50and every time I rest my feet,
00:57:53I'll think of Blaine.
00:57:55Yay!
00:57:57Hoorah!
00:58:00Now, we all know that politicians
00:58:03aren't used to keeping their word.
00:58:05Well, before you know it,
00:58:14everyone, rich and poor alike,
00:58:16had to have a Blaine stool in their home.
00:58:20The little town never knew what hit it.
00:58:22Footstool factories sprouted up like,
00:58:25uh, like toadstools.
00:58:27Everyone had a good job.
00:58:29Everyone was making a good wage.
00:58:32Blaine was on the map.
00:58:47By the pool
00:58:48In the school
00:58:50By the fires of yule
00:58:52It's the rule
00:58:53There's a stool, there's a stool
00:58:56Tools are rare
00:58:57Once upon a time
00:58:59You'd find a chair
00:59:00A chair's for foos
00:59:02Everybody wants stools
00:59:06Stools
00:59:06From the parlor to the pool
00:59:10In the center of a stool
00:59:13Everyone knows our name
00:59:18Working, building
00:59:20Never stopping, never sleeping
00:59:22Working, making
00:59:23Some for selling, some for keeping
00:59:25You will drool
00:59:26At the splendor of these magic stools
00:59:29It's the rule
00:59:30It's the rule
00:59:31Everyone has a stool
00:59:33Just three legs
00:59:35It's the thing for which a monarch banks
00:59:38Hark your jewels
00:59:40Use the money for stools
00:59:42Stools
00:59:44Just three legs
00:59:46It finds a sand
00:59:47Like a fever
00:59:49It's a stool
00:59:50And it's running out of the way
00:59:54Working, building
00:59:57Never stopping
00:59:58Never sleeping
00:59:59Working, making
01:00:01Some for selling
01:00:02Some for keeping
01:00:03Working, building
01:00:04Never stopping
01:00:05Never sleeping
01:00:06Working, making
01:00:08Some for selling
01:00:10Some for keeping
01:00:13I can't wait to see the second
01:00:43And cap
01:00:44Alan
01:00:44His dramatic work
01:00:46I mean I knew he was funny
01:00:48And I knew he could
01:00:49You know move
01:00:50Dance
01:00:50Because he's
01:00:51He's that way
01:00:52But I think his dramatical work
01:00:54Is so moving
01:00:55That um
01:00:56Well
01:00:57I mean I called Joyce
01:00:59And I said
01:00:59Joyce
01:01:00Bring Joshy
01:01:01Because I got to feed him
01:01:02Half time
01:01:02Because I'm just busted
01:01:03This is good
01:01:04Boy they're moving
01:01:05They're dancing all over the place
01:01:07And the songs are very catchy
01:01:08Uh
01:01:09Very catchy
01:01:10I can't get
01:01:10A few of them out of my head
01:01:11Almost an annoying point
01:01:14But I think
01:01:15I think it's good
01:01:16When a song is catchy
01:01:16From the
01:01:18Little experience
01:01:19I have in
01:01:20Show business
01:01:20You know
01:01:21I knew that Corky
01:01:22Could act
01:01:23And he could direct
01:01:24And he could produce
01:01:24But who knew
01:01:25That he was gonna act
01:01:26And sing and dance
01:01:27You know
01:01:28He can just do
01:01:28Everything there is to do
01:01:30And only other
01:01:30There's only one other person
01:01:32In the world
01:01:32That can do that
01:01:33And that's
01:01:33Barbara Streisand
01:01:34He is
01:01:35I don't know
01:01:38An inspiration to this town
01:01:40That's
01:01:40That's what he is
01:01:41And I for one
01:01:43Am very glad to see
01:01:45That Johnny Savage
01:01:46Dropped out of the show
01:01:47Because
01:01:47A couple years ago
01:01:49He came in the drugstore
01:01:50And he tried to steal
01:01:50My stamp machine
01:01:51And that kid
01:01:52Is no good
01:01:53You can tell
01:01:54Just by his parents
01:01:55He's no good
01:01:56And he would not
01:01:56Have added anything
01:01:57To the show
01:01:58Where Corky
01:01:59On the other hand
01:02:00Look at him
01:02:00Did you see
01:02:01God I wish I was
01:02:02In this show
01:02:03I hear that French girls
01:02:26Are very pretty
01:02:28That they wear
01:02:29The finest of clothes
01:02:31I also hear
01:02:32That they are experts
01:02:34In the ways of love
01:02:35Emma
01:02:37I'm going to fight
01:02:38For my country
01:02:39To fight
01:02:40And yes perhaps die
01:02:42So that young men
01:02:44From here to Timbuktu
01:02:46Can feel the wind
01:02:47Of freedom
01:02:48Blowing through their hair
01:02:49Oh Monty
01:02:51I didn't mean
01:02:51To doubt you
01:02:52It's just sometimes
01:02:55I feel
01:02:56As if I don't
01:02:57Really know you
01:02:58I would still pay
01:03:03A penny for your thoughts
01:03:09A dime for your dreams
01:03:12Would a shiny new quarter
01:03:15Buy a peek at your schemes
01:03:18And when you are away
01:03:21And when you are away
01:03:22So far from my side
01:03:25I will cherish
01:03:27My penny's worth
01:03:29To the last
01:03:30I'm your bride
01:03:32A penny for your thoughts
01:03:40Let's call it
01:03:42A deal
01:03:43I don't have
01:03:45Any secrets
01:03:46You know how I feel
01:03:50That's it
01:03:51No no
01:03:51Hey here
01:03:51Curl right there
01:03:52The curl
01:03:53You know where I like the curl
01:03:54I have to get myself
01:03:55There it is
01:03:55There it is
01:03:56Nice
01:03:57A little fluff here
01:03:58And you can work on yourself
01:04:00A penny for your thoughts
01:04:03It's settled and done
01:04:06I'd have offered a million
01:04:09I have done it for none
01:04:12I reckon we're in love
01:04:17And married we'll be
01:04:20And all for a penny
01:04:23A bright copper penny
01:04:26The penny that brought you
01:04:30To me
01:04:56It was so good
01:05:05I told you you'd be able
01:05:06To listen like that
01:05:07It was so good
01:05:08You're right
01:05:09You lifted me up
01:05:10Yes after our brave fighting boys
01:05:13Returned from the war
01:05:14Things got back to normal in Blaine
01:05:16Until one summer night in 1946
01:05:19When unexpected visitors
01:05:22Put us back on the map
01:05:25Where are we
01:05:31How did we get here
01:05:32Is this a dream
01:05:33Look
01:05:38What is it
01:05:39I don't know
01:05:40It looks like one of them
01:05:41New feed storage bins
01:05:43That ain't no feed storage bin
01:05:45How did it get here
01:05:46It must have flew
01:05:48But it don't have any wings
01:05:50Then I guess it just dropped
01:05:52From somewhere up there
01:05:54Citizens of Blaine
01:05:56Do not be alarmed
01:05:58We will not harm you
01:06:00We come in peace
01:06:02From a planet far, far away
01:06:04A place we call Mars
01:06:07I've heard of Mars
01:06:08Where's that?
01:06:10Stand back
01:06:11And your queries will be answered
01:06:13Look out
01:06:16What do you want from us?
01:06:27Oh, good question, Earthling
01:06:30It seemed like it was time for a change
01:06:32Time to take a trip
01:06:34To see the exciting places in the galaxy
01:06:38Before you see
01:06:39Nothing ever happens on Mars
01:06:42No sports or entertainment
01:06:45Or swingin' bars
01:06:47You stand around
01:06:49You stand some more
01:06:51On a planet named for a Roman god of war
01:06:55Nothing ever happens on Mars
01:06:58No supersonic airplanes
01:07:01The sun comes up
01:07:03The sun goes down
01:07:07You can't go to the country
01:07:09You can't go to town
01:07:11Boring, boring, boring, boring, boring
01:07:16Well, the town of Blaine
01:07:30Has packed a lot in the last 150 years
01:07:33We've had our ups
01:07:34And we've had our downs
01:07:36We've seen our past
01:07:38And we look forward to the future
01:07:40And when the challenges come
01:07:42We'll greet them the way Americans always do
01:07:44With grit, determination, and pride
01:07:47Because that, my friends
01:07:49Is America
01:07:51And nothin' says America more to me
01:07:54Than Blaine
01:08:14They're not a little소
01:08:18Music
01:08:19Is America
01:08:20Is America
01:08:21Let's do
01:08:22America
01:08:22Is America
01:08:23Van
01:08:23Of the
01:08:32Is America
01:08:33Is America
01:08:37Is America
01:08:38Is America
01:08:38Is America
01:08:39Is America
01:08:39We're
01:08:40And
01:08:40We're
01:08:41And
01:08:42Oh, you are so brilliant, you're brilliant.
01:09:11You're great, everyone is so great.
01:09:14Oh, Dr. Burr!
01:09:16You did it!
01:09:18I'm gonna get Mr. Guffman, I'll be right backstage.
01:09:25That's great.
01:09:28Hello, how are you?
01:09:30Hi.
01:09:31It's nice to meet you.
01:09:33You too.
01:09:34Well...
01:09:35Thank you so much, Mr. Mayor.
01:09:36Lately you hear about this at the next mayor's conference.
01:09:38Thank you so much.
01:09:39Well, I know we have a lot of work to do.
01:09:42The first act...
01:09:43It was magical.
01:09:45Thank you very much, Steve.
01:09:46Thank you so much.
01:09:47We've got the first act again.
01:09:49It's just, you know, it's up and down.
01:09:51Kind of dipping in and out.
01:09:52And I know that.
01:09:53We just don't have the time, you know, to do everything.
01:09:55So, I'm gonna ask you point-blank.
01:09:57Do we have a shot to go to Broadway?
01:09:59Yes, I think so.
01:10:01Oh, mamma mia.
01:10:03Oh, that is such good news.
01:10:04Oh, I can't tell you what news that is to me.
01:10:07Would you like to meet the cast?
01:10:08I'd like that, yeah.
01:10:09Oh, great.
01:10:10Come on with me, you.
01:10:12Adam!
01:10:13How are you doing to meet now?
01:10:15Wonderful job.
01:10:16Good job.
01:10:17Good job.
01:10:18Good job.
01:10:19Everybody!
01:10:20Oh, my God.
01:10:21Oh!
01:10:22Oh!
01:10:23Oh!
01:10:24Oh!
01:10:25Yes!
01:10:26Yes!
01:10:27Yes!
01:10:28Our cast.
01:10:29Oh, thank you.
01:10:30You were just great.
01:10:32Oh!
01:10:33Oh!
01:10:34Well, I'd like, please introduce yourselves.
01:10:38Jill, Jill Albertson.
01:10:40Oh, you were great.
01:10:41I was.
01:10:42This is Mrs. Ron Albertson.
01:10:43I'm Ron Albertson.
01:10:44A pleasure performing for someone who really understands the theater.
01:10:47This came a couple hours ago.
01:10:48I'm sorry.
01:10:49I'm just not getting it to you.
01:10:50Thank you, sweetie.
01:10:51You're so pretty.
01:10:52Clifford Woolley.
01:10:53Mr. Woolley.
01:10:54Nice to meet you.
01:10:55Alan Pearl.
01:10:56You're making me laugh.
01:10:57Oh!
01:10:58It's a delight to meet you, sir.
01:11:00Well, I'm sure that Mr. Guffman would like to say a few words to us.
01:11:05Here, sir.
01:11:06Here, sir.
01:11:07Speech!
01:11:08Speech!
01:11:09Speech!
01:11:10I think there's some mistake.
01:11:11My name is Loomis, Roy Loomis.
01:11:13I'm down from Deming.
01:11:14I came down.
01:11:15My niece had her first baby.
01:11:17It's a boy.
01:11:18And that's what the balloon is for.
01:11:20And I just want to tell you how just absolutely wonderful you all were.
01:11:25And, uh, thank you.
01:11:28And, uh, I'll be seeing you.
01:11:30And bless you.
01:11:31He's gonna love this.
01:11:32Oh, boy.
01:11:34Take her, uh, makeup off.
01:11:44Uh-huh.
01:11:45Uh-huh.
01:11:46Uh-huh.
01:11:47Snowstorm in New York.
01:11:54All flights canceled.
01:11:58Fort Guffman.
01:12:01Snowstorm in New York, all flights cancelled.
01:12:10Fort Guffman.
01:12:31I think the one really important thing that I learned from my whole experience in working
01:12:41with Corky is that I do indeed have talent.
01:12:50And a couple of things, actually.
01:12:54B, I have to entertain, I have to entertain.
01:13:00And you have to go where you are needed, you have to go where the crowds are, and you have
01:13:08to go where the love is.
01:13:13And the love for me right now is in Miami, not Blaine.
01:13:20My boobie made a kishka, she made it big and fat, my zeta took one look at it and said,
01:13:25I can't eat that, oh mama, mama, mama, oh mama me, oh my.
01:13:32Well, here we are, the land of dreams, and don't let anybody tell you dreams can't come true.
01:13:37We're an hour from the snow, we're 20 minutes from the ocean, two hours from Mexico.
01:13:43Uh-huh. Five hours from Vegas.
01:13:45Five hours from Las Vegas, and we're gonna get there one of these days.
01:13:47As soon as we get a car.
01:13:48Yeah, we don't have a car yet, who wants to add to the pollution?
01:13:51Yeah.
01:13:52We consider ourselves bi-coastal if you consider the Mississippi River one of the coasts.
01:13:56Uh...
01:13:57Extras, let's go, over here.
01:13:59All right, time to get back to work.
01:14:01That's what they're paying us for.
01:14:02Come on, kid.
01:14:03Why can't they say, Ron?
01:14:06Chill over this way, please.
01:14:08Still the same paycheck?
01:14:09Hi, how you doing?
01:14:10All right.
01:14:11You're doing a great job, incidentally.
01:14:13Face towards the camera.
01:14:14Smile.
01:14:15Are you gonna smile?
01:14:16I think we should have a line.
01:14:18I gave him some suggestions.
01:14:19He didn't want to hear.
01:14:20He's busy.
01:14:21Line dancing.
01:14:22We should be line dancing.
01:14:23That's a great idea.
01:14:24Quiet, please.
01:14:25All right.
01:14:26Get your finger out.
01:14:27Are you smiling?
01:14:28Quiet, please.
01:14:29I was on my way to New York, and then my dad got out of prison, which is good.
01:14:38He was supposed to be in there for 10 years, but I guess since he didn't kill anybody, he
01:14:43just ruined some property that they let him out after five.
01:14:49So it's, I'm here with my dad, and I've been thinking of ice cream and stuff and what I can do with it.
01:15:00Maybe come up with, we have a blizzard and we have a breeze, we have derbies, and the derbies are really old.
01:15:08They've been doing derbies, you know, the chocolate dip for, I think 20 years or something.
01:15:15I really want to sort of make a healthy, low-fat or non-fat, healthy blizzard.
01:15:27The first thing I did when I moved back to New York City was to look up Mr. Guffman, and he was so sweet.
01:15:38And I think he felt a little guilty, too, because he's offered me the chance to audition for his new Broadway show,
01:15:45which is the revival of My Fair Lady.
01:15:48It's one of my favorite shows of all time.
01:15:50And the role is of Henry Higgins, the somewhat stern taskmaster, but he really likes her anyway kind of thing guy,
01:15:59who teaches Liza how to speak correctly.
01:16:03And she, of course, is of the Cockney persuasion and drops her H's.
01:16:08And I've been working on that at home, the whole Cockney thing of L-O-L-R-U.
01:16:13Do you want to go to Artford, not live in this L-O, and that kind of thing.
01:16:18And I think I'm honing in on it pretty close now.
01:16:21And I suppose that the cake and eat it too part of this whole story is that another dream of mine has come true,
01:16:28which is that I've gotten to open this shop where I have all my show business treasures and all my memorabilia.
01:16:37This is without a doubt one of my favorite items, my dinner with Andre Action figures.
01:16:44And what you can do, which is so cute, is you can reenact the whole scene, you know, where the two guys talk to each other and say, you know,
01:16:56Oh, I'm sure glad you found a good restaurant. You know, it's so hard these days to get in. You know, who do you know?
01:17:03Oh, I just called, made a call, spur of the moment. Oh, you, you can always get a reservation. You know, that's not from the movie, but you can make up your own dialogue, which is one of the great things about action figures.
01:17:19I'm trying to get, it's very rare, the one, the action figures for Das Boot, because I love to do that whole, you know, kind of claustrophobic thing inside the sub, where they're, you know,
01:17:32You know, that whole German thing, can't speak German, but it sounds like, you know, sort of a bunch of barnyard animals, you know, making that noise and sweating.
01:17:45Uh, over here, these are my big heads, I call them, starting with, uh, Anthony Michael Hall, one of the Brat Packers. In fact, there's, in the background there, there's, uh, Andrew McCarthy.
01:18:00Over here, some new lunch boxes we've gotten in, the Remains of the Day lunch box, and the kids, they're just having such a good time with these, you know.
01:18:09Kids don't like eating lunch at school, but if they've got a Remains of the Day lunch box, they're a whole lot happier.
01:18:39very nice and dear.
01:18:40Fauna, almost every day tonight.
01:18:41It's cool!
01:18:42At school for Thank you!
01:18:43Keep care!
01:18:44Oabel O'Reilly!
01:18:45You still appreciate your joy.
01:18:46Verse 6, compañeros, seeing the bell should be!
01:18:48Too much!
01:18:49Sounds you need to know for yourself!
01:18:51Before каче55.
01:18:52They're close!
01:18:53The things that're making.
01:18:54All these things that love you, you know, they access you in.
01:18:55Some orphans!
01:18:56Most DOUBLE Budget.
01:18:57Oh, shout!
01:18:58O expert!
01:19:00Yeah!
01:19:02The maps he's a lot of, you know,
01:19:04thes we're in.
01:19:05A great object from you on their dies,
01:19:06Que ge Louis.
01:23:07Zero ever happens.
01:23:11Bupkis ever happens in...
01:23:17Blame...
01:23:27Blame...
01:23:31Blame...
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