- yesterday
Hell Motel Season 1 Episode 8
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Transcribed by ESO, translated by —
00:30sorry can we cut can we cut cut hey hey hey page hey you okay you okay oh man i thought this might
00:53be too triggering if you need time you just say the word i'm fine really you sure yeah
00:58no not right now please thank you and what is it tell me anything i guess i just don't fully
01:06understand why caitlyn is standing here waiting to die okay okay but she doesn't die she doesn't
01:13die right uh emma jumps out at the last second distracting baphomet and right that's my point
01:19caitlyn doesn't save herself here caitlyn always saves herself and after what i've been through
01:23the last thing i would do in her situation is wait for someone else to save me
01:31someone get those writers on set to fix this mess
01:35of course caitlyn should be saving herself duh thank you this is why you're the queen thank you thank you
01:41what
01:56it's a reboot there's no rules and you're not the star of it all
02:00you sure about that it's not gonna be a problem the line comes right
02:04no wait don't do not this hey and do me a favor okay on the next take why don't you give me
02:08something to work with hold it like you could actually kill someone
02:16thank you can't wait to do it again
02:19emma stay back but caitlyn i can take him and then he'll take you i've danced this dance more
02:33times than i care to remember sorry i'm not shitting on the writers no on them
02:40they're garbage studio script the bottom of the barrel okay i've danced this dance
02:46who actually talks like that just uh corny white guys over 50 apparently exactly so
02:53can we simplify it yeah like okay what if she says
02:59and then he'll take you trust me emma i know what i'm doing
03:03right yeah no that's a million times better straight to the point right because i mean
03:08that's what it's actually like when your life is on the line
03:10i'm sorry if i'm being a diva expecting oh my god no no i don't want to be proud
03:16at all no no no we are so lucky to have you know i just
03:23i wanted to respect your privacy
03:27but we can actually make this mean something okay because you have first-hand knowledge of what it's
03:33really like that fear that panic that real life hell you can mind things every other slasher
03:40pretends to get so now i need to hear your thoughts
03:47i'm sorry i should not have asked you to go into that no no it's not that it's it's not
03:51i've just never had a director make me feel like an equal before oh and and not just a pretty face
04:00and a pair of tits you know well that's a crime i've always been a fan i pitched you for the reboot
04:06from day one okay wow well i guess all it took for them to say yes was for me to become a final girl
04:12for real these just arrived for you thank you so much these are beautiful yeah did you no i didn't
04:24saw the news break a leg but not really you've got enough scars already andy andy from
04:32um okay andy very sweet of him so you can trace a straight line from the comedies of euripides
04:51right up to the slapstick of chaplin keaton and arbuckle but where is it now it's a change genres
04:59action movies for sure i like this tell me how well it's all violence right like comedians just
05:06guys hitting each other hmm yeah and the silence they they crank it up chaplains stabbing people
05:12with like the nastiest pitchforks and following it up with one-liners like action heroes do
05:19good great lateral thinking then we get to horror
05:23you're a cri de cour but like the final girls say the same thing when they kill the mass killer
05:31or when the dickhead gets taken down yes you've said this all before but we are here to talk comedy
05:37but professor we are here for your horror of knowledge sir well i'm sure you could all transfer
05:44out if i'm not matching your expectations you are an expert in horror and academia in real life
05:50why are you pretending like that's not true what do you want hmm what do you mean no what do you
05:56want hmm you obsessive idiot what do you want a goddamn autograph what you want some grisly tidbit
06:03to to feed into your death fetish but because humanity's saddest and worst instinct excites you
06:10is that what you want hey that's mine all right get out everyone we're done for the day
06:23i will be speaking to the head of english about this
06:29asshole
06:40okay
06:54hi mv come in or the hostess thank you so much can i take your coat uh sure thanks
07:03look sorry sending those flowers i know i reached out before now okay sorry can i start please
07:17i'm the asshole here and you weren't weird at all you are not an asshole sending those flowers was so
07:24thoughtful and i could say that i was just so busy with the movie that i forgot to say thank you but i just
07:31okay i mean you just wanted to put it behind you that might sound more believable if i wasn't
07:36playing caitlin again hey it's your job there's no judgment maybe a little judgment maybe it's fine
07:44it's natural we often make a living yeah anyways um we wrapped a few months ago and there's actually a
07:54screening tomorrow night oh and instead of avoiding you i thought not only do i want to say thank you for
08:02the flowers with dinner and reconnect but i thought you probably saw that the premiere's coming up as
08:08part of the spine chiller showcase my algorithms wouldn't let me forget yeah well it's your part of
08:13the news cycle good luck escaping it i thought maybe you want to come with me as my date and look i promise
08:25it's nothing crazy okay i swear there's no red carpet it's just a genre critic sneak peek at a small venue
08:31and and i would really love you to see with me i think you really appreciate what the filmmaker's done
08:36here i really do i mean it yeah he's taking a lot of my input and it's more than just your standard
08:44slasher flick it is uh can i can i think on it yeah you can even say no and i'd understand
08:54the stove one sec uh can i help no no um you know what just open the wine the the glasses and the
09:07opener are on the credenza yeah saddle's never been a word to describe the doom service merch
09:17you could kill someone with this and caitlin did in doom service 3 peephole
09:21i hope you like stir fry it was supposed to be beef stew but i waited too long to start cooking
09:28and i didn't want to serve you shoe leather uh you know we could have ordered in still can if this
09:33is too much no you and i need something extra normal and cooking really chills me out cheers cheers
09:43you know the way you spoke about doomed service i gotta say
09:51you didn't expect all this those films were my life since i was a teen and now they are again
09:58which is uh i'll admit a surprise for me too
10:05i said no and then i said no again and the third time i said no they promised me i'd be a part of the
10:11entire new trilogy an offer you couldn't refuse yeah i want to act and if they're going to give me a say
10:20and the kind of stories we tell then maybe i just need to embrace it right
10:30don't worry okay what would i have to worry about after what we went through
10:36oh well you and shovels maybe and bathtubs don't forget bathtubs oh how could i forget
10:50do you have to worry about what you have to do so how about you how have the past few months been
10:54and again i'm sorry that i didn't check in okay stop apologizing seriously you know if there's a
11:00correct way to maintain a friendship forged in the crucible of mass murder i don't know it crucible
11:06of mass murder there's that brain of yours tell me they've given you full tenure oh well i would need a
11:13phd for that but you specialize in true crime entertainment or however you put it and and you're
11:19the survivor of the most infamous killing sprees since manson murders that should at least qualify
11:24you for an honorary phd or at the very least a humongous raise right well life after cold river
11:32has not been as lucrative for me as it has for you
11:34so i i was not trying to shame you with that i'm i'm glad you're doing well we both deserve some
11:43kind of happiness after all that it's it's just uh what
11:49you can tell me anything hey if there's anyone who's gonna get you or me it's us
11:58sometimes i feel like i'm still there
11:59like something's unresolved
12:06do you ever feel like that no just like what if we miss something like i don't know floyd and
12:16shirley how do we know for sure it was them because they killed everyone in that exact same spot 30
12:22years ago yes 30 years ago when they were younger and stronger and kawaiian he he was a big guy
12:30okay he could take care of himself you honestly believe that floyd got the better of him
12:34well maybe it wasn't floyd with shirley that's even more unlikely not if he didn't see it coming
12:41and he wouldn't have surely pretended to be so nice she got so close to me and one stab in the neck is
12:46all it would have taken hey listen if we had missed anything the police would have found it by now
12:55unless they weren't looking and why would they floyd and shirley they tick all the boxes it's easy
13:01it shuts it down they tick all the boxes because they're guilty not you not me not some stranger in
13:08the woods them okay you know what let's let's go through all the murders okay hemingway they could
13:19have easily been the ones to boil him to death in the sauna are you sure i mean they just arrived
13:23yeah but they'd already been there an hour by then and they knew the hotel's layout
13:28horsia and crow anyone could have killed them floyd he took part in killing ruby and he loved it
13:34kawaiian i still think it was shirley the way she was sucking up to him
13:38and adriana we were all in our separate rooms when she died so they could have snuck out unnoticed easily
13:44and when blake was killed same thing not to mention i found floyd and shirley the next morning
13:49surrounded by the poor guy's remains and the cherry on top they tried to frame you well they did a
13:53pretty good job of that andy listen what you're feeling is not doubt it's trauma we lived in a fearful
14:04state for days trapped while we watched people die horrible deaths you you seem fine don't believe it
14:13i've been keeping busy and the movie will keep me busy until we're out in theaters
14:17and then maybe i'll fall apart after that or maybe i won't ever who knows
14:25i do feel strange victory over those two though
14:29and if the killer had gotten away that's my worry always then i would be looking out the window all
14:34the time but but we did it andy we put those two assholes in the ground so please please try and be
14:42happy okay try and be happy about everything we have that we feared we'd lose
14:48we owe that to the rest of them right
14:50right right yeah you're right
15:03something's still bothering you hey there's no secrets between us
15:09you kept me sane and you didn't have to so please let me help you
15:13i just want to preface this by saying
15:21i know people do things that don't make sense yeah obviously i mean i almost took a bath with
15:27a crazy lady i didn't know so come on what's the question okay fine
15:33the drop down ceiling in your room after floyd and shirley before the police arrived
15:42i saw a stain it was a bloodstain
15:47man
15:50i looked behind the ceiling tile and i
15:52i found a heart
15:59what portia's i guess like you'd hidden it as some sort of trophy or something i have no idea what
16:06you're talking about i saw with my own eyes page okay so denying it you can't because i know what i saw
16:15well i know what i didn't hide in my goddamn ceiling hindi come on i mean it would
16:21could adriana have done it maybe or crow is some kind of like wacky magic thing but but me
16:27then why was it there and and how did it get there i didn't put it there portia definitely didn't
16:32but floyd and shirley maybe it was some kind of ritual thing or
16:37or maybe the same way that they hid that book in your room they hid porsha's heart and
16:42mine so that they could frame me if framing you didn't pan out
16:57of course
17:01framing me actually makes a lot of sense yeah god i'm so you're right i'm so sorry
17:06so you thought i was collecting body parts like a serial killer and you still came to meet me for
17:10dinner honestly i didn't know what to think why why didn't you go to the police with this i couldn't
17:15why if you thought i was some sick psycho because why i knew i had to protect you
17:20even if i put it there you wouldn't know i was the real killer
17:37even then
17:50i was
17:56i was
18:10uh
18:18Oh, oh, oh, oh!
18:21Oh, oh!
18:22Oh!
18:23Oh!
18:34Remember that Wilma ride up?
18:37The hearse?
18:38Yeah, it's hard to forget.
18:40So ridiculously over the top.
18:46Arriving at that stupid motel, I hated it.
18:52I hated myself.
18:53I hated how I caved for the money.
18:56Yeah, how much did I pay you?
18:58Not enough.
18:59I needed it, trust me.
19:03Everyone else was just so weird and pleasant and self-involved.
19:09And opportunistic.
19:11And we weren't.
19:13And we were different.
19:15I was there for research.
19:16And despite your payday, you seemed to be there to atone for your part in things.
19:22That's a way of putting it, I guess.
19:25Maybe.
19:26It ended up that way in the end.
19:28Maybe that's why we survived.
19:31Because we didn't deserve to be killed.
19:34There's no moral code.
19:39We survived because we worked together and we beat those psychos.
19:44If they killed you, I don't know what I'd do.
19:46Well, you wouldn't be doing this, that's for sure.
19:49True.
19:51What's that they say about the connection between death and sex?
19:55No, this is different.
19:58I'm glad I found you.
20:00Glad I found you too.
20:01So tonight, you never gave me an answer.
20:13I mean, I'm kind of a completionist and I have seen all the other movies.
20:18Yeah!
20:19Okay.
20:20Now, okay, if you get freaked out, all you have to remember is that the blood is just food
20:25coloring and corn syrup and all the knives are made out of rubber paint.
20:29Can you tell me what I'm in store for, at least, thought-wise?
20:33I mean, they're gonna incorporate Floyd and Shirley, right?
20:36And if you're still alive, let me guess.
20:40After being murdered in the last movie, Caitlin is brought back by some kind of spell.
20:47And so now she has her own supernatural powers.
20:50The perfect match against Baphomet.
20:53And since it's a trilogy, it appears like she vanquishes Baphomet, except right at the end,
21:00he lurches on alive again.
21:03I'm close, right?
21:05No.
21:06Not human.
21:07Are you sure you want me to spoil it?
21:08Yes.
21:09Okay.
21:10So first off, only Doom Service 1 and 2 are considered canon now.
21:14Everything after them never happened.
21:15So this is really more like a new DS3 and Caitlin is just still alive.
21:21I hate that.
21:22No, that's such a disservice to the franchise.
21:25This is the guy crapping all over them.
21:26No, I only took issue with the real life aspects.
21:29They distorted it.
21:31The movies themselves are actually kind of fun.
21:33Okay.
21:34Can I get that on record?
21:36I don't know.
21:37They're supposed to be fun.
21:38But I guess all those endless sequels weren't exactly cinematic gems.
21:42No, but they have new charms.
21:44So this must take place years later then.
21:47Yeah.
21:48And since it's a reboot and not just a sequel, and this is what really sold me,
21:52we discovered that Caitlin actually has a daughter.
21:57Someone young and hot to draw on all the fanboys.
22:00Well, Caitlin didn't have a daughter.
22:02No, but everyone loves a fine old girl and now they have two.
22:05And if that wasn't enough, we discovered that Baphomet is actually Caitlin's first husband.
22:10She really broke his heart when she left him for that Joey dude.
22:13Okay, but the ex-husband in real life was cleared.
22:16I mean, not after being hounded into an early grave.
22:19Well, this ain't real life.
22:20And in our movie, he is alive and back for revenge.
22:23I really have to hand it to the team.
22:25Clutches at the heart strings.
22:27No, clutches at the purse strings.
22:29I can't believe they're mining a horrible tragedy all over again.
22:32Andy, just watch it tonight, okay?
22:36See what you think.
22:38Because if it does well, critically and at the box office,
22:41this could mean an entirely revived career for me.
22:44I could get some amazing parts and put Caitlin behind me,
22:47and everything that we went through would have almost been...
22:50Worth it?
22:52Why don't we grab some sleep, okay?
22:57It's gonna be a long night.
22:59From Nick and Sam at Shutter to David at Hollywood Suite,
23:16we all knew the only way we could make the new doomed service slay...
23:21was if we stuck to the OG history of the crazy murders
23:25that made these movies what they are.
23:28And that is...
23:30the bloodiest, raunchiest, horror sleaze flicks around!
23:35Yes!
23:43So, if you really want that gross-out gore,
23:46that crazy violence and that yummy tingle down there,
23:51I know you do,
23:52then you gotta cast someone who can run in a G-string and heels
23:56and strut blood like a second skin.
23:58Yeah, I'm talking about a gal who is always too hot to die,
24:03the number one sleaze queen in the world,
24:07Paige Harper.
24:10I love you!
24:11Thank you guys so much for being here.
24:12Thank you, Aaron.
24:13Yeah.
24:14I'm really glad my mom's not here to hear me describe like that.
24:15I know you all know that I had to take a little break,
24:16a chance to sit a doomed service out.
24:18There was only so much blood this gal could have gushed on her.
24:20But after I lived through the real Cold River massacre,
24:23I realized something...
24:26I am Caitlin.
24:27No, no.
24:28I'm better.
24:29Because this mama didn't die.
24:31I don't know you have to die.
24:32Oh, yeah.
24:33And that's what I'm saying.
24:34And that's what I'm saying.
24:35That's what I'm saying.
24:36I don't know.
24:37I don't know you all know that I had to take a little break.
24:40A chance to sit a doomed service out.
24:42There was only so much blood this gal could have gushed on her.
24:45But after I lived through the real Cold River massacre,
24:48this mama didn't die and armed with that experience i knew deep down in my blood-soaked heart that i
24:54had to come back to my doom service family and kick some baffin my butt because caitlin is
25:01say it with me now please caitlin is
25:12one more thing i think you deserve to hear it from me here first not only is caitlin back
25:18you get to have her for three horny blood-soaked movies
25:25yes thank you yeah we are indeed we are indeed doing a trilogy yes uh but what none of you know
25:34is that caitlin had a daughter we're gonna surprise you during the screening uh but the cat's out of
25:41the bag so let's welcome to the stage paula
25:45i present you our next leading lady caitlin's long-lost daughter
26:02oh my
26:20oh my
26:20i i have to say being drenched in your love is almost as good as being drenched in blood
26:39i have to say being drenched in blood
26:44he's coming this way
26:50kaitlin
26:51don't come down there
26:53fight me baffin may
27:11that's right i'm back
27:12and i hate to break into you but you're not too hot to die
27:23you know for an archdemon in the underworld you sure are dumb
27:27because i want my soul machete back
27:29and she's corny for demon guns
27:41and she's corny for demon guns
27:43and she's corny for demon guns
27:45that was not what we shot they told me i'd be in all three but they chopped my goddamn head off
28:15using a body double and they didn't even have the guts to call me in for a reshoot which which
28:20tells you how shifty it all is right i know it doesn't feel like it but you wanted to put caitlin
28:24behind you on my terms andy mine
28:31what the hell was that do you know how humiliating that was to have my part reduced to a tiny bit like
28:36that you lied to me no yes you did you lied yes you did lie and you promised me i promised you i
28:42would do all i could we all did okay but when we tested the movie paula lind was just she was
28:47she's off the charts i had that audience eating out of the palm of my hands yes and you're gonna
28:52bring them back okay but she's gonna make them stay she's she's a star
28:57i'm sorry
29:08well you will be all of you because you're gonna be getting calls from my agents and my lawyers
29:15okay no
29:19yeah you you do whatever you have to do
29:21oh wow andy uh it is such an honor get the out of my face
29:32asshole
29:44let's get out of here do what go where go go go back to my apartment and stare at a phone this
29:49you are too good for this garbage no i'm not i'm not andy just like you're not too good for your
29:54college who am i for caitlin if i'm not a goddamn final girl
30:19i promise you mama
30:22baphomet may have gotten away but i will avenge your death
30:37you okay
30:40might as well see what stupid thing they do to my severed head
30:43you may have just found you but now i'll never forget you
30:56no one will
31:13gotcha
31:25that's the real caitlin
31:28did they put her in the movie i don't know
31:33i just can't believe this is my life
31:35you at your end i'm sad
31:42or video me when i'm so happy i might break
31:47the most beautiful woman in the world
31:50well you are a flatter
31:53these are cold hard facts people
31:56these photos i mean
32:09maybe this crime scene photographer is a wizard he's an artist can you believe this
32:16let's play
32:20that's adriana jesus what the hell is going on that bastard
32:34where is he he needs to turn the off
32:39hey where is the projection did you take our crime scene photos and put them in the movie i don't
32:43want that crap in the movie do you know where the booth is shouldn't it be over there
32:48i'm gonna go look for the lights
33:03hey open the door
33:04get that out of my eyes
33:19oh
33:21oh
33:27oh
33:31oh
33:37what i like about murder art is
33:40it's that staring at a car crash impulse
33:44unless admitted there's a killer in all of us right
33:48oh
33:58oh
34:10oh
34:12oh
34:20oh
34:24oh
34:26oh
34:36oh
34:38oh
34:40oh
34:42oh
34:44oh
34:46oh
34:48oh
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35:04oh
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35:38oh
35:40oh
35:50oh
35:52oh
35:54oh
35:56oh
35:58oh
36:00oh
36:02oh
36:04oh
36:06i'm not gonna let you turn me into one of your cover stories
36:12i read everything you've written on these movies and the murders
36:14you know because i i was interested in getting another guy who saved my life
36:18they were pretty damn obsessive andy
36:24from the woman who lives and breathes the only character she's ever played
36:28was so much so that she goes on some method slaughter fest
36:32oh
36:34oh
36:36oh
36:38oh
36:40oh
36:42oh
36:44oh
36:46oh
36:48oh
36:50oh
36:52oh
36:54oh
37:02oh
37:04oh
37:06oh
37:08oh
37:10oh
37:12oh
37:14like you you've turned her into a bloody soft core wet t-shirt joke she was a
37:23special woman and it was obvious from those videos they were a private glimpse
37:28into a woman you've disrespected if you to make that some cheap and sexual
37:34thing oh my god oh my god you weren't in love with her
37:45I did I did love her
37:51she was your mother
37:56that's why you killed everyone
38:04you killed everyone no same way you drowned Shirley chopped Floyd's head off
38:12with a goddamn shovel it was you just like you would do to anyone that didn't
38:21worship you
38:34you
38:38I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm so sorry I'm sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I gave me no
38:56choice
38:58he must have hated me he must have hated me for playing her
39:04I gave you to me I knew you were dead everyone thought you used to you I know
39:11but then you you let me change my mind about you
39:20I'm sorry I'm so sorry I never considered how much those movies have been everyone in either
39:30Okay, I'm so sorry for my part, I'm so sorry.
39:34Please, please, please, please.
39:36Everyone, please, now!
39:38Please, you have to believe me, you have to believe me.
39:41You have to believe me, please forgive me.
39:42Don't move!
39:43Let me see your hands!
39:45Hands!
39:46Help me!
39:48Andy?
39:49She's trying to kill me!
39:51Andy, no!
39:51She killed him and everyone at the Cold River Motel.
39:55Jesus, Andy, tell them the truth!
39:59Drop it!
40:01Not the knife!
40:02Ah!
40:23So where is it?
40:24I know, girl.
40:29See you in an hour.
40:35See you now.
41:05Hey, Katie. We're so glad to have you audition for Doom Service Hell Motel. Have a seat. We'll do a couple of takes.
41:18Okay. Rolling, rolling. Standby.
41:21And action.
41:29I think a slow return is good. And Carter, can we punch in a little bit more?
41:33100%. Close. Real close. That's it. Thank you.
41:39See you in hell.
41:42Can we do one more? I'd love to have the eyes that are just dead.
41:46Okay.
41:47Yeah, just take your turn. I love it.
41:56See you in hell.
42:03And scene. That's it. Great work, Katie.
42:15You think so? Yeah.
42:16I hope so. I would literally go for this part.
42:20I hope so.
42:22I hope so.
42:32I'm red.
42:34I'm red.
42:36I'm red.
42:37I'm red.
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