- 2 days ago
Family-Guy-Season 2 Ep01-Peter-Peter-Caviar-Eater.
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00:00You see, it's violence in movies and sex on TV
00:04But we're in those good old-fashioned values
00:07On which we used to rely
00:10Lucky is a friendly guy
00:13Lucky is a man who positively can do
00:17All the things that we're done, laugh and cry
00:20He's a friendly guy
00:26I say, Mother, this hot dog has been on my plate for a full minute
00:31And it hasn't yet cut itself
00:33Honey, I'll be right there
00:35Oh, by all means, take your time
00:37Oh, and when you do finally get around to it
00:39I'll be the one covered in flies with the belly that protrudes halfway to bloody Boston
00:43Mom, there is no way I'm sleeping in Chris' room this weekend
00:46It smells like old milk in there
00:48Hey, if I could find it, I'd clean it up
00:50Kids, keep it down
00:52I haven't even told your father that Aunt Marguerite is coming to visit
00:56Who said Marguerite?
00:57Peter, it's just for a week
00:59A week? Oh, geez
01:00No, no, no, no
01:02Please, God, kill me now
01:03No, no, damn, damn crap
01:05Damn it to hell, son of a...
01:06Peter!
01:07Lois, sometimes it's appropriate to swear
01:09Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
01:13I do
01:14You bastard
01:16I love Aunt Marguerite
01:17Because if it wasn't for her, I never would have met you, Peter
01:21Aunt Marguerite, have you seen my towel?
01:24Have the towel boy bring you another
01:26I don't want to bother him
01:28Nonsense, dear
01:29You're a pewter schmidt
01:31Towel boy
01:38Uh, hi
01:39My name is towel
01:40I have a pita for you
01:42My name is pita and I'll be your nipples
01:44Towel boy
01:45Oh, geez
01:46Okay, everyone, give Aunt Marguerite a big Griffin family welcome
01:53Aunt Marguerite?
01:55Lois
01:57Oh, my God
01:59She... she's dead
02:01Whoa
02:02Careful what you wish for, huh, Lois?
02:05What if they bury her and she like wakes up because she wasn't really dead, she was only sleeping?
02:11Yeah, that's what happened to our big brother Jimmy
02:13That's why Mom and Dad adopted you
02:16What?
02:17Peter, you remember Coco, my friend from Newport?
02:20Peter, I almost didn't recognize you without a towel on your arm
02:24Lois, where are your parents?
02:26Don't tell me they're still on safari
02:28You know Daddy, he won't rest until he kills something on every continent
02:33But I'm hoping they'll be back in time for Christmas
02:36Yeah, it just wouldn't be Christmas without your parents
02:42Oh, I dropped my watch
02:43Peter, would you be a sport and fetch it for me?
02:45Sure thing, Mr. Pewter Schmidt
02:51Peter, we've gotta put that out
02:53I'm telling you, Brian, nothing changes
02:58These bluebeards still treat me like scum just because I'm not loaded
03:01Well, I got news for them
03:02I am as elegant as anyone in this room
03:04Peter, we have to meet with Aunt Marguerite's lawyer tomorrow
03:07She left us something in her will
03:09Holy crap!
03:10Oh, you sweet old broad, I love you
03:12Hey!
03:17Oh, my God
03:18She's dead
03:21Madam Pewter Schmidt's passing has saddened us all
03:24Yeah, it's a real tragedy
03:25What do we get? What do we get?
03:26Come on, big money, big money, big money
03:27No whammy, no whammy
03:28Stop!
03:29Peter, please
03:30I'm sorry, he's stricken with grief
03:32Before she passed, your aunt recorded a message for you
03:36Newport, Rhode Island
03:37Home of New England's most elegant and historic estates
03:41The Breakers, Rosecliff, and exquisite Cherrywood Manor
03:45The palatial mansion of Marguerite Pewter Schmidt
03:47Marguerite is a shining example of how people with a lot of money
03:50Are just plain better than everyone else
03:53Lois, you were always my favorite niece
03:56I just knew you'd find a wonderful man who would make all your dreams come true
04:00But I was wrong
04:02And now you're dead
04:03Score one for Peter
04:04Shh!
04:05It's time you started living like a Pewter Schmidt
04:08That's why I'm giving you my summer home in Newport
04:12Cherrywood?
04:13And that's so generous, Aunt Marguerite
04:16Oh, our own summer house
04:18I feel kinda bad for doing that thing with a toothbrush
04:21We only live to kiss your ass
04:31Kiss it?
04:32We'll even wipe it for you
04:34From here on in its easy street
04:37Any bars on that street?
04:3824 happy hours a day
04:39Oh, boy!
04:40We'll stop Jehovah's at the gate
04:43Can I see that pamphlet, sir?
04:45My god, this house is freakin' sweet
04:50I make brunch, Clive cooks lunch, each and every day
05:02Chocolate cake, a la Blake
05:05Hundred bucks, Blake is gay
05:08We'll do the best we can with Meg
05:15Are you saying I'm ugly?
05:16It doesn't matter, dear
05:17You're rich now
05:18We'll do your nails and rub your feet
05:21Oh, that's not nasty
05:23Oh, my
05:24We'll do your homework every night
05:28It's really hard
05:29That's why we got that Stephen Hawking guy
05:31My god, this house is freakin' sweet
05:35Used to pass lots of gas
05:43Lois ran away
05:46Now we got thirty rooms
05:49Hello beans
05:51Goodbye spray
05:56We take a bullet just for you
05:59Oh, what a coincidence, I've got a filling
06:02Prepare to suck back golden tea
06:07Now that you're stinking rich
06:10We'll gladly be your bitch
06:13My god, this house is
06:16Freakin' sweet
06:20Welcome!
06:21That's a wrap, people!
06:22Now let's get the hell out of here
06:23Now wait a second, where are you going?
06:25The old bag only paid us up through the song
06:27Well, we can just pick up after ourselves
06:29After all, we'll only be here on weekends
06:32No, no, Lois
06:33It's time you started living like the piece of Schmidt you are
06:36That's pewter Schmidt
06:38Wait, wait, wait, you guys
06:39You guys
06:40You're all hired to be full-time Griffin servants
06:42Peter, where are we gonna get the money to pay all these people?
06:45Simple
06:46I, uh, sold our house in Quahog
06:48You sold our home?
06:49Surprise!
06:50Peter, how could you?
06:52Whoops
06:53I recognize that tone
06:56Tonight I sleep alone
06:59But still this house is
07:03Freakin' sweet
07:11Peter, how could you sell our house in Quahog without even asking me?
07:15Oh, honey, this is where you belong
07:17You deserve a big house and nice stuff
07:19You know, like diamonds
07:31But I love our old house
07:33You have to buy it back
07:34It's too late for that
07:35Our stuff is already packed
07:36It's on its way here
07:37Come on, Lois
07:38You're gonna love living in Newport
07:40Sure, this house is big
07:41But it's also very intimate
07:43Intimate
07:44Intimate
07:45So we're really gonna live here now?
07:47Intimate
07:48That's right, honey
07:50I don't know, Peter
07:51Please, Mom
07:52Look, there's a pool
07:54Yeah, and there's a chair
07:56The solarium is at the far end of the west
07:59Come play with us, Stewie
08:01Forever and ever and ever
08:04If all work and no play makes Stewie a dull boy
08:11And across the hall from the library
08:13We have the billiard room
08:14And here we have the lounge
08:16Sweet merry mother of God jackpot
08:20What can I get you, sir?
08:22We have ten varieties of single mauled scotch
08:24And a wine cellar with over ten thousand bottles
08:26Don't make me beg
08:28Well, I did love spending time here when I was a kid
08:31All right, Mom!
08:35Jonathan and I just returned from sailing our yacht around the world
08:38Oh, oh, funny sailing story
08:40All right, this guy's on his boat in the middle of the ocean, right?
08:42And he sees a little black dog
08:44And let me tell you
08:45This dog's been swimming for days
08:46And he stinks like a dead otter, right?
08:47Peter, maybe this isn't the place for that
08:50Hang on, Lois, hang on
08:51So the guy takes the dog into the vet
08:53And the freakin' vet tells him
08:55Get this, it's not a dog
08:56It's a rat
08:57A big stinking Mexican rat
08:59True story
09:01Yeah, that's just an urban legend
09:03Hand to God
09:04I'm telling you
09:05It's a huge freakin' rat
09:06Five times as big as that guy's steak
09:08Oh, Peter, that rat gets bigger every time you tell this story
09:11Oh, I got a million of them
09:13Like my buddy's sister's boss
09:15He was drinking with a hooker in this Vegas bar
09:17Bam!
09:18Woke up without his kidney
09:19I can't believe they kicked me out of the yacht club
09:24I barely had time to stuff Lois' salmon in my jacket
09:27Hey, so Peter, you have a knack for saying the wrong thing
09:29Oh, this sucks
09:31Lois' friend Yatboy and his lovely wife Kaka invited us to some hoity-toity auction tomorrow afternoon
09:36I don't want to embarrass her again
09:38You gotta help me, Brian
09:39Teach me how to be a gentleman
09:40Well, Peter, it's not really that hard
09:42Let's start with polite conversation
09:44For example, it's a pleasure to see you again
09:47Lovely weather we're having
09:48Now you try
09:49It's a pleasure to see you again
09:51After Hogan's Heroes, Bob Crane got his skull crushed in by a friend who videotaped him having rough sex
09:58How's that?
09:59Wow, perfect
10:00My work is done
10:01But just for the heck of it, let's try again
10:04More coffee, madam?
10:06I can get that, Sebastian
10:08To tell you the truth, we're all a little uncomfortable being waited on
10:12Cut my egg
10:14Your eggs are cut, sir
10:16Cut my milk
10:17I can't, sir, it's liquid
10:18Imbecile
10:19Freeze it, then cut it
10:20And if you question me again, I'll put you on diaper detail
10:22And I promise I won't make it easy for you
10:24Oh, Meg, you're gonna love Newport High
10:27It has a beautiful campus
10:29Yeah, filled with beautiful people
10:31Now I'm gonna bag me a rich one
10:33Meg, that's a terrible thing to say
10:35You should marry someone you love
10:37That's what I did
10:39Yeah, and it got us kicked out of the yacht club
10:41Oh, you can't be mad at your father for being himself
10:44That's the reason I fell in love with him in the first place
10:47Ah, he was so different from everyone else
10:53Coco, the day I graduate from Harvard, I'm gonna carry you off into the sunset on a white horse
10:59It better be a stretch horse with leather seats and a chauffeur
11:02Isn't she a bit of terrific?
11:04Terrific
11:08Oh!
11:38Kids, if you marry for love, your life will be filled with its own riches.
11:49Money doesn't buy happiness.
11:50Oh, I beg to differ.
11:55You! Bring me the Wall Street Journal.
11:57You two, fight to the death.
12:08Okay, Peter, I was hoping I wouldn't have to resort to shock therapy, but your progress has been...
12:14Well, who are we kidding? You haven't made any progress.
12:17Now, the left TV is tuned to Frasier. The right TV has Ricky Lake.
12:21If you so much as glance at the right TV, I'm giving you 10,000 volts.
12:25Got it.
12:26Well, Frasier, you're so corpulent that when you sit around the magnificently appointed Tuscan Villa,
12:30you sit around the magnificently appointed Tuscan Villa.
12:33Huh. This is the smartest show on TV.
12:36Yo, Ricky, that's my girlfriend. She ain't supposed to be having no penis.
12:41Master Bryan, do you really believe you can pass him off as a gentleman at the auction?
12:46Well, we've got a long road ahead, but, uh, hey, I've worked miracles before.
12:50And the Oscar goes to Marissa Tomei.
12:53Peter was supposed to meet us here an hour ago. I hope he didn't change his mind.
13:07Well, maybe he's already here. Maybe he's fitting in so well, we just can't tell him from the other bluebloods.
13:12Well, I don't think we have to worry about that.
13:17Lord Peter Lowenbrough Griffin I.
13:24Weigh me down the stairs, boys.
13:30Good day.
13:31Oh, champagne.
13:33Pasta for sure.
13:37Mmm, looking good, fellas.
13:40Brian, do you know anything about this?
13:42Lois, please. I'm just a dog.
13:44A stupid dog.
13:45Vodka stinger with a whiskey back and step on it.
13:50Peter, you're simply enchanting.
13:52You must join us tomorrow for a game of baccarat.
13:55Mmm, right.
13:56Baccarat at ya.
14:00Brian, what happened to Peter?
14:02He's not cramming hors d'oeuvres in his mouth or asking anyone to pull his finger.
14:07That's not the man I married.
14:09So I guess technically that makes you available.
14:12What?
14:14Lighten up, toots. It's a party.
14:17Hey, barkeep.
14:18It's like the damn Sahara over here. How you doing, honey?
14:20Welcome to the Historical Society Auction.
14:23Our first item is the 17th Century Gilded Vizzle.
14:27We'll start the bidding at $140,000.
14:30What a marvelous vessel.
14:31It would look smashing in Lois's crapper.
14:33I mean, crappier.
14:35You are so right.
14:36Any woman would love to have that vase adorn her crappier.
14:40Jonathan.
14:41Oh.
14:43Uh, 140,000.
14:45150?
14:47Brian, that sounded like Peter.
14:48Hey, come here, you.
14:50Come here.
14:52160,000.
14:53170.
14:55180.
14:56190.
14:58200,000 dollars.
15:01Ooh.
15:03We have a new record for the Historical Society.
15:06The vessel goes to...
15:07100 million dollars.
15:09Mr. Peter Griffin for an astonishing 100 million dollars.
15:16Money, money.
15:19Money!
15:24Peter, we had no idea you were such a philanthropist.
15:26It's a fabulous vase, Peter darling.
15:28Do you collect objet d'art?
15:30Well, if that's French for Star Wars collector's glasses, then C.
15:35Mr. Griffin, you're the most generous man since Ted Turner.
15:40Uh, uh, I'd like to announce I'm given a gift the whole world can appreciate.
15:44I've colorized the moon.
15:46Peter, you don't have a hundred million dollars.
15:49Of course I do, my dear.
15:51Now, would that be cash or check?
15:52Oh, drop by Cherrywood this evening.
15:54Now have the money wired to me from my...
15:57mmm, mmm, Swiss bank account.
15:59Oh, very good, sir.
16:00You don't have a Swiss bank account.
16:02Right.
16:04My, uh, lawyers advise me to keep some of my assets a secret,
16:07in case things don't work out.
16:09I'm going home.
16:10Where's Brian?
16:12Listen, uh, I told this blonde inside I got a 500 SL.
16:15Can you help me, huh?
16:18I'm sorry, but I've made my decision.
16:20We're moving back to Quahog just as soon as we can get packed.
16:23Ugh, Quahog?
16:24That one-horse town?
16:26Hey, shut up.
16:27No, you shut up.
16:28No, you shut up.
16:29You shut up.
16:30You shut up.
16:31You're the one talking.
16:32Well, there's no one else here.
16:33Look, everybody, just shut up!
16:34What's that?
16:35The wind?
16:36A pox on Quahog.
16:39Oh, easy.
16:41If I ever go back to Quahog,
16:42it'll be just so I can poke poor people with a stick.
16:46Mmm, Panchovi, everyone.
16:48Now I remember why I left Newport.
16:51It changes people.
16:52You kids have lost your values,
16:54you've lost your mind,
16:55and I don't much care for Stewie's new friends.
16:58Yes, yes.
16:59The Pacific Rim economy is still a tad shaky for my tastes.
17:02Oh, oh, stop it, stop it.
17:03Look here.
17:04You can't become a bloody fiscal hermit crab
17:06every time the Nikkei undergoes a self-correction.
17:08Asia's market has nowhere to go but up.
17:11Interesting.
17:12Indeed.
17:14Oh, I wish we'd never come here in the first place.
17:17Oh, pshaw.
17:19Here, go buy yourself some more money.
17:25Hey, old bean.
17:27Hey.
17:28Hey, what are you doing with my Star Wars glass?
17:29Illustrating a point.
17:31Peter, when Han Solo took the Millennium Falcon to Cloud City,
17:34he found that Lando Calrissian had turned control of the station over to Darth Vader.
17:38Lando had forgotten who he was.
17:40It was only after Han was encased in carbonite
17:42and taken by Boba Fett to Jabba's palace
17:44that he was able to see the error of his wails.
17:47Look inside yourself.
17:48You're not a Newport millionaire.
17:50I created you.
17:51In a way, I am your father.
17:54That's not true.
17:55That's impossible!
17:57Damn it, Peter. Snap out of it.
17:58No!
17:59No!
18:01Huh.
18:02Geez, I just had the craziest dream where I bought a $100 million vase.
18:06A Mr. Brandywine from the Historical Society is at the front gate.
18:10He'll be here in half an hour.
18:12It wasn't a dream, Peter. He's here for the money.
18:14Oh, Brian, I'm screwed.
18:16If I welch on that debt, I'm just gonna prove to everyone
18:19that I'm not good enough for Lois.
18:21If only I had something worth that much money.
18:23Man, I never should have dropped Mean Joe Green's jersey.
18:27Good game, Mean Joe.
18:28You want some of my Coke?
18:36Hey, kid.
18:38Catch.
18:40Wow, thanks, Mean Joe.
18:47Hey, what about this house?
18:49I could just give him the house and call it even.
18:51Cherrywood isn't worth $100 million.
18:53Brian, it's the Historical Society.
18:55Look, we just gotta convince him that $100 million
18:57worth of history happened here.
19:00So you're saying that Jesus carved his name into this mantle
19:0351 years before he was born?
19:06Yeah, he's Jesus. He can do anything.
19:07And look over here.
19:09That's where the stock market crashed.
19:11Mr. Griffin.
19:12Oh, I'm telling you, you can't take a step in this house
19:14without uncovering something historical.
19:16What?
19:18What?
19:19Wait a second.
19:20Could that be Harriet Tubman's secret underground railroad?
19:23It is!
19:24Go, Freedom Train, go!
19:26I've seen enough.
19:27I happen to know that nothing of historical significance ever occurred here.
19:31Please, have our money ready by tomorrow.
19:33Good day.
19:34Oh, wait, wait, wait!
19:35Look, this is where the pilgrims landed at Fraggle Rock.
19:42Excuse me, Lord Griffin.
19:44Your family is going back to Quahog.
19:46If you get tired of being a snob, look us up.
19:49Lord Griffin is dead.
19:51It's just me, Peter the Towel Boy.
19:53Peter, you're back.
19:55Oh, let's go home.
19:57We can't.
19:58I sold our home.
19:59Our beautiful home with the stolen cable
20:01and the little man with the penis for the light switch.
20:03So we'll find another place.
20:05Your Aunt Margarita's probably laughing at me
20:07while she's burning in hell.
20:08May she rest in peace.
20:10But she was right.
20:11Everyone was right.
20:12I'm not good enough for you.
20:14Peter, I don't care what anyone else thinks.
20:17All that matters is that I love you.
20:19I love you too, Lois.
20:23Lois, our problems are over.
20:30My mansion is historical, all right.
20:34Sherry, what was America's first presidential whorehouse?
20:38See, there's Lincoln, Grant, Robert E. Lee.
20:41Those are fake.
20:42Oh, they're real.
20:43And, uh, FYI, Lincoln had the jungle fever.
20:46So, you see, Chubby Franklin live across the street, you see.
20:54Chubby Franklin would always make a face like this.
20:58Dad, you're not listening.
21:00I have a serious problem.
21:02I got a girl pregnant.
21:04What do I do?
21:05And when we saw Chubby Franklin make his face, we would all make this face.
21:18Oh, God.
21:19Oh, my God.
21:20Hey, Dad.
21:21You never did tell us how you got our house back.
21:24Simple.
21:25I just offered the people I sold it to double what they paid.
21:28What?
21:29How could you afford that?
21:30I kept one of those Lincoln pictures and held a little auction of my own.
21:34Thanks to old honest Abe, we have our house back, and I learned a valuable lesson.
21:38It doesn't matter if your family doesn't think I'm good enough for you.
21:41That's right, because all that's important is that I love you.
21:45No, because your ancestors were nothing but a bunch of pimps and whores.
21:48Yeah.
21:49Yeah.
21:50Yeah.
21:51Yeah.
21:52Yeah.
21:53Yeah.
21:54Yeah.
21:55Yeah.
21:56Yeah.
21:57Yeah.
21:58Yeah.
21:59Yeah.
22:00Yeah.
22:01Yeah.
22:02Yeah.
22:03Yeah.
22:04Yeah.
22:05Yeah.
22:06Yeah.
22:07Yeah.
22:08Yeah.
22:09Yeah.
22:10Yeah.
22:11Yeah.
22:12Yeah.
22:13Yeah.
22:14Yeah.
22:15Yeah.
22:16Yeah.
22:17Yeah.
22:18Yeah.
22:19Yeah.
22:20Yeah.
22:21Yeah.
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