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  • 2 days ago
Family Guy Season 23 Episode 18
Transcript
00:01It seems today that all you see
00:05Is violence in movies and sex on TV
00:08But where are those good old fashioned values
00:12On which we used to rely?
00:15Lucky is a family guy
00:18Lucky is a man who
00:20Possibly can't do all the things that make us
00:23Laugh and cry
00:25He's a family guy
00:34So, that's how I wound up smoking opium
00:37With Irma Bombeck
00:39But enough of my stories, we're here to tell yours
00:42Brian Griffin, you're up
00:44Sorry, I'm not quite ready
00:45I guess the me ate my homework
00:50Do you even have an idea?
00:52Okay, a dog who's in a writing class
00:55Desperately needs an idea at 2.43pm
00:59No, that's not an idea
01:01You're just describing what's happening
01:03Right, what about the boy with the dragon tattoo?
01:07You ought to be a writer, Brian, hmm?
01:09I need an idea that tears your heart out of your chest
01:13Something so real and true
01:16If you can't express it, you'll die
01:19Okay, I got it
01:20The Karate Adult
01:23Brian, writing isn't just words or lazy references
01:27Or marrying Noah Baumbach and having him do everything for you
01:30It's adventure, love, intrigue, life
01:34And until you live it, you have no business here
01:37Please turn in your scarf and leave
01:42Okay, next up, Joe Swanson
01:44A dedication for Bonnie
01:46Bonnie lay dead in a pool of blood
01:48Detective Bo Bonson held the gun and whispered
01:51Who can't walk now?
01:53Now that's writing
01:55Hi, I'm the CEO of Bud Light, here to apologize
02:02We violated your trust when we gave five cans of beer to a trans woman last year
02:07You protested and we learned
02:10Light beer is the cornerstone of your heterosexual identity
02:13Counting calories and watching our figures
02:15It's what guys do
02:16So we have a simple plan to win you back
02:19Prove to us you've always had a penis
02:21And we'll give you free beer
02:23Just bring a naked baby picture to wherever Bud Light is sold
02:26And flash your current genitals
02:28If they're both penises, you get a six pack on us
02:32Bud Light, wow, how did we get here?
02:35Hey Brian, were you able to invent an entire novel on the spot?
02:39No, I totally blanked
02:41What am I missing?
02:42How did all these great writers from the past get their ideas?
02:45When did we get a bookcase?
02:47I know I have something amazing to say, I just don't know what it is
02:50Huh, kinda sounds like you don't have anything to say
02:52What do you think it is?
02:53What do I think you have to say?
02:55I bet I could get over my writer's block if I could just step away from all the noise
02:59And get inside the minds of the greats
03:01Dostoevsky, Hemingway, Twain
03:03Are you gonna name a woman?
03:04Jules Verne
03:05That's a guy, you turd
03:07It is?
03:08God, must have been so tough to date back then
03:11Jules?
03:12Ashley?
03:13Well this was a waste of a nosegay
03:15The 19th century, most gay stuff was accidental
03:22I tell you what
03:23How about I take you back in the time machine
03:26We meet some of the greats
03:27And they can help get your writing on track
03:29You'd do that for me?
03:30Of course I would, old friend
03:34I'm bringing a nosegay for Ashley
03:36She sounds so hot
03:37This guy wrote a gospel and the bible is the most popular book of all time
03:52So he's got to have some good advice
03:54Luke can see you now
03:56Welcome gentlemen
03:57If I knew you guys were coming I'd have taken a shower four months ago
04:00So Bathsheba said you're a writer?
04:02Yeah, and I'd love to know your secrets
04:04Just take big swings man
04:06Don't be afraid
04:07Like right now
04:08I'm working on this sci-fi thing about a guy, mom's a whore, friends betray him
04:12He gets whacked
04:13Three days later he comes back to life
04:14He's running around like a zombie hippie
04:16No offense, it sounds like a bit of a mess
04:18Who cares?
04:19The entire audience is just staring at their sundials anyway
04:22How was I able to focus to write David Copperfield a tale of two cities in all of a twist?
04:32Well, writing is the only distraction from how literally everything in London reeks of feces
04:37You should simply stool on your desk
04:39Then you'll have no choice but to write to avoid the stench
04:43You're not going to remember that?
04:45If you or someone you know is struggling with depression
04:53Oh yeah, someone's really not going to kill themselves because a cartoon dog said don't
04:58If you want to be a writer, I always say never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow
05:09So good, just dead on man
05:12Feels like a wine mom apron to me, but what do I know?
05:15Suppose you were an idiot
05:17Now suppose you were a member of Congress
05:19But I repeat myself
05:21Haha, oh man, we are both on fire right now
05:24Both?
05:25Well, Mr. Twain, we have to go back to the future
05:29Yeah, Bri, he's not going to know that one
05:31I must confess, I'm not surprised to meet time travelers
05:35I'm actually working on a story about a Connecticut Yankee being magically transported into King Arthur's court
05:42Oh, word
05:43It's a searing takedown of Merlin the wizard
05:46Just tears Merlin to shreds
05:48I don't know how Merlin ever recovers after being hit by the Twain train
05:52Feels like we're winding down here
05:54Before you leave, may I catch another one of those wondrous cigarettes?
05:59You know, giving up smoking is easy
06:02I've done it hundreds of times
06:04I have likewise, too, been addicted
06:07Perchance, forsooth and such
06:09Yes, you've made a real ash of yourself
06:12Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
06:14Ah
06:15I guess that makes me a bum bumming butts from an ash
06:19Oh, we did it again
06:20He did it again
06:21I know, I'm setting him up perfectly
06:23Mr. Twain, crazy idea
06:25But would you like to come back to our time and write with me?
06:28Interesting proposal
06:30I suppose I should be hesitant
06:32But worrying is like paying a debt you might not even owe
06:36Mark Twain
06:37Did you just quote yourself?
06:39Yes, Mark Twain
06:41So you'll do it?
06:42I'd love to see the future
06:43And it'll give me a chance to proofread my new novel
06:46The Adventures of Hankenberry Flan
06:49You mean Huckleberry Finn?
06:50See?
06:51That's already better
06:52I'll go fetch the manuscript
06:54Brian, this is a terrible idea
06:56We could change the course of history
06:58You always say that, but doesn't history pretty much suck?
07:01I mean, the Crusades?
07:02Hitler?
07:03Prince Harry marrying Meghan Markle?
07:05Again?
07:06Oh, like all of your wives are so much better
07:09So, what do you think we should write about?
07:18Well, the best stories are all about a man and a boy going on an unsupervised journey
07:23Yeah, for reasons too long to state here, we're gonna table that for a second
07:27What if Merlin...
07:28Yeah, we're also gonna put a pin in Merlin
07:30It's your grave, pal
07:31Can you please focus? We need to write something spectacular
07:34Fine, a character should say, if you don't like the weather in New England, wait a minute
07:40It'll change
07:42Well, that normally gets a huge laugh
07:44Let's build the whole book around that
07:46No, no, it's gotta be real and compelling and ripped from the headlines
07:50Maybe something about a murdered woman
07:52Why would anyone care if a woman died?
07:55Okay, the world's changed a lot in the past 150 years
07:57We should probably catch you up on everything you've missed
08:00In 1915, the first transcontinental telephone line was late
08:03Soon after, the United States entered something called World War I
08:07And then Germany was back at it again for something called World War II
08:10And so Neil Armstrong became the first man to walk on the moon
08:13Then Taylor Swift started dating Travis Kelsey, Trump was re-elected, and now we can say Merry Christmas again
08:18So that's it, that's history
08:20My goodness gracious, wow! So can you tell me about that flesh flashlight again?
08:26From duct tape prototype to the CAD-engineered vibratory wonder of today
08:30The story of the tug tube is really the story of America itself
08:35I don't know why we invited Chris
08:37Okay, what about a murder mystery? But instead of a whodunit, it's a whendunit
08:45I hate that
08:47A where dunit?
08:48I wish you had dysentery, because at least then it would be coming out of the right hole
08:52A mislead could be, it's Cheyenne, Wyoming
08:55Well if it's in Wyoming, there needs to be an engine
08:57We don't really say that anymore
08:59A big murderous engine who's a liar and a thief
09:02He robs graves
09:03I think more details just make it worse
09:05And a slave who takes vacations with teenage boys
09:08Okay, new thought
09:09What if a QAnon terrorist steals the world's Ethereum, then gets murdered by an NFT?
09:15I have no idea what any of that is
09:17Here, look it up
09:18Does it have to be Ethereum? Could it be Dogecoin?
09:22Some of these women are powerful, attractive
09:25What women?
09:26On this hub, this hub of pornographs
09:28I need to use this outhouse for a moment
09:31What is a Latina?
09:34It's like a regular woman, but different
09:36I think I like it
09:42Okay, imagine if the only fisherman in Phoenix, Arizona
09:45Falls in love with a vegan
09:47And for some reason, she has to eat fish to save his life
09:51Oh hang on, Stewie's texting me
09:57Give me your phone, I wanna look at stuff
10:00No, we're here to work
10:01And I know what you've been doing with my phone
10:03I always say
10:04Find a job you enjoy doing
10:06And you will never work a day in your life
10:08And my job is looking at oily bazoombas
10:11I brought you here to help me write a great novel, not masturbate
10:15Novels are stupid and meaningless
10:18I've been here a month and haven't seen anyone reading a book this entire time
10:22The only thing that matters in this world is pornography
10:25It makes everyone feel alive
10:28No, literature is important
10:30Your work convinced me to dedicate my life to writing
10:33Ryan, I lived at a time when you went to bed at sunset
10:37Lost your teeth at 19
10:38And the highlight of your life was maybe tasting cinnamon
10:42That's how all our great art was created
10:44By undistracted people who could cultivate genius
10:47We were all idiots
10:49I'd seen nothing
10:50I thought Hartford was amazing
10:52And now I wanna see it all
10:54A woman with a penis
10:55A man with a vagina
10:57And other curios oddities and wonders
11:00That last line was definitely not brought to you by Bud Light
11:03Bud Light, we're making this way more complicated than it needs to be
11:07Please keep your voice down
11:09Why?
11:10These good people would assuredly agree with me
11:12Raise your hand if you like novels
11:14Now raise your hand if you like latinas with giant shiny derrieres
11:20See, the worst masturbation is better than the best book
11:26Brian, all I need in this world is a penis, a phone, and a place to stand
11:31And I have two of the three
11:33Give me your phone
11:34No
11:35Brian, as your friend, I'm demanding that you let me paddle my wheel
11:40Absolutely not, the Mark Twain I know is better than this
11:43Then you've left me no choice
11:45My scone, my cake pops, my model egg sandwich to show everyone what an egg sandwich looks like
11:58I love porn, I wanna make porn, I wanna be porn!
12:05Uh oh
12:07Hi, I'm thinking of ordering an egg sandwich but I have no idea what it looks like
12:12You turned one of the greatest writers in history into a porn addict and now he's god knows where
12:22I know, it's a real where done it
12:24What?
12:25Nothing, it's just an idea Mark Twain was really high on before he left
12:28Brian, you've now thrown history off course
12:30This is a bigger disaster than when Mount Vesuvius erupted
12:33Honey, I'm so glad you agreed to do Pilates with me today
12:36Yeah, as long as no one ever finds out
12:38Well, it's just one class, it's not like you're gonna be here forever
12:42Mark Twain will be fine
12:45Brian, he has yet to fall asleep without a lit cigar in his hand
12:49Mark Twain the man isn't important to history
12:51His work is, and we aren't gonna lose that
12:53What do you mean?
12:54He left the manuscript for Huck Finn
12:56I already handed it in to my professor
12:58The quality is undeniable, he'll pass it on to his publisher
13:01And Huck Finn by Brian Twain Griffin will be as renowned as it ever was
13:05You gave someone Huck Finn in this era?
13:07Smart, right?
13:08Yeah, did you make any changes before you gave it to him?
13:11To Mark Twain's masterwork? Of course not
13:13Brian, have you ever read Huck Finn?
13:15Actually no, why?
13:16I was more offended than I've ever been in my life
13:19And then I read your book
13:20You portrayed violence and didn't even have a trigger warning
13:23You just said trigger warning without a trigger warning
13:25You know I'm afraid of trigger warnings
13:27The whole thing is just dripping with white privilege
13:30I'm not white, my skin is like cow pattern
13:33And it takes place on stolen land
13:35Where do you think you're sitting now?
13:37Huck lives with two women
13:38But you made them sisters instead of lesbian lovers
13:40Why do you hate women?
13:42You had a grown man traveling with and clearly grooming a young boy
13:46They were on an adventure
13:47You're always hanging out with that baby
13:49Are you grooming him?
13:50No!
13:51Plus putting them on a raft
13:53That's ableist, Brian
13:54We all want to take the ride
13:56The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn
13:58Is one of the finest novels ever written
14:00It's a masterwork
14:01Oh, there it is
14:02The word master
14:03You're worse than a school shooter last year
14:05At least he knew everyone's pronouns
14:07I know you're a they
14:08I'm a whom, you pig
14:10There's whom's now?
14:11Yeah, and we're winning all the swimming races
14:13So everyone's really mad about it
14:15Because amateur swimming is super important
14:17What do you think, Professor?
14:19Am I crazy?
14:20Or is Huck Finn good?
14:21It's awful, Brian
14:22And you're a disgrace
14:23And not like Joe's flawed
14:25But ultimately redeemable anti-hero, Beau Bonson
14:29No, consider yourself cancelled
14:31Expelled
14:32And worst of all
14:33Banned from my webinars
14:35Alright, fine
14:36I'll get out of your hair
14:37Professor O'Callaghan
14:38Can I take five for mental health?
14:40Legally, I can't say no
14:41So anyone who wants to take five for mental health
14:45Please feel free
14:46It's just a dumb community college, Brian
14:56How bad can it hurt your reputation?
14:57Just watch some TV and relax
14:59We now return to how the Saturday Night Live opening credits sound once you hit 40
15:04Blabadoo Marmaduke
15:06T.J. Sambona
15:08Mr. Scarlett Johansson
15:11Jonathan Jonathan
15:13Fee-fi-po-fum-felstein
15:16Joran Bandersloot
15:19Blue Cookie Man
15:21Dildona Wham-Wham
15:23Kenan still here?
15:25Who are these people?
15:26Finally a cost for my generation
15:28Thanks, Dewey
15:29I feel a little better
15:30We interrupt Peacock to bring you this special report
15:32We can do that now
15:34Hi, I'm Tom Tucker
15:35Here with a new Cancellation Corner
15:37Brought to you by Bud Light
15:38Bud Light
15:39Screw it
15:40We're touching the hot stove again
15:43Local canine writer Brian Griffin
15:45Had a rough day
15:46When he proudly handed in a racist, sexist screed to his writing class
15:50Brian's cancellation knocks Casey Anthony off the list
15:53So I have a call to make
15:55I can't believe this
15:56If Mark Twain was a better writer, I'd be a famous author
15:59Now I'm ruined
16:00That's your takeaway?
16:01You tried to steal his book
16:02You really think you're all the victim here?
16:04Oh, come on
16:05The one time Huck Finn doesn't work is when my name is on it?
16:08People are so anti-dog, it's insane
16:10Guys, we have a bigger problem here
16:12Your little stunt ruined porn
16:15What are you talking about?
16:16Every movie is now just people saying stupid Mark Twain quips
16:20It's better to keep your legs closed and let people think you're a fool
16:25Than to open them and remove all doubt
16:29The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in your mudroom
16:33I'm not gonna buy my kids an encyclopedia
16:36Let them walk to school like I did
16:38That's not even Twain, he stole it from Yogi Berra
16:41Alright, that's it
16:42We've got to bring Mark Twain back into the past and undo this whole thing
16:46Fine, but how are we gonna find him?
16:48He's on the 1500 block of Balboa Avenue in Van Nuys, California
16:52I have a condition called Dad Ass Burgers
16:55It allows me to immediately identify where that ass at
16:58Alright, but how the hell are we supposed to get to California?
17:01Well, a pretty smart guy told me the best stories are about a man and a boy making an unsupervised journey
17:07A man and a boy on an adventure
17:12Just like Mark Twain wrote about in her fin
17:16Is that his dad? No, it's a stranger
17:19I guess that was normal, the time they were in
17:23People now just assumed there'd be molestation
17:27With a man and a boy
17:30That's a sad reflection where we are as a nation
17:34It's just a man and a boy
17:37In the olden days, it was just what happened
17:42It was all men with boys
17:44Don't call the police
17:46Or worry the least
17:47Cause I talked to the man
17:49And he told me that he's not a priest
17:52If he was, that's a whole different story
17:56Man and a boy
17:58Man and a boy
17:59It's a man and a boy
18:01Just a man and a boy
18:03Man and a boy
18:05Man and a boy
18:06Man and a boy
18:07Let's not ask questions
18:09Let's all just enjoy
18:10The man with the boy
18:13Yeah!
18:16That whole time we just went 30 miles?
18:18Yeah, we'll take a plane the rest of the way
18:20Mark?
18:25What happened?
18:28This industry chewed me up and spit me out
18:31Two weeks ago, I was scarcely aware of my own hindquarters
18:35And now they've been stretched hither, thither
18:39And worst of all, yawn
18:41Oh man, I can't help but think this is maybe in some small way my fault
18:46Ow!
18:47I wish I could talk but I'm due on set at 11 o'clock
18:51In 1108, 1119, 1121, 1127
18:58Brian, this is one of our great writers
19:01And now he's being used as a human kleenex
19:03Wait, Mr. Twain
19:06My failures as a writer are my responsibility, not yours
19:09I don't want to ruin your life too
19:11Anyone can make pornography
19:13But only you can write your great books
19:15Please, let us bring you home
19:17Do you think I've gotten enough revenge on my father?
19:20Oh yeah, all that slutty stuff?
19:21Yeah, you really showed him
19:22Well then I'll go
19:23Thanks for saving me
19:25You're good, man
19:28No, ew, ew, no, no, don't touch me
19:31You'll land in 1870
19:33Just step off and it's programmed to return here
19:35Hmm, I guess you could say
19:37If you don't like the time you're in, wait a minute
19:40It'll change
19:41I maintain my deep conviction that that is hilarious
19:49Did he just grab a tug tube?
19:51Tonight's Family Guy was brought to you by Bud Light
19:54Bringing Mark Twain to the future to get him addicted to porn was our idea
19:58Bud Light, we can't stop doing sex stuff
20:01Well, Brian, these dopes will never know we saved literary history
20:09Yep, thanks to us, quasi-offensive high school reading remains completely unchanged
20:14Hi, I'm Mark Twain V, here for the Twain Tube Emporium
20:18Uh-oh
20:19We've got the largest selection anywhere
20:21And we're conveniently located just 801 feet from most schools
20:26We pay cash for our new tubes saving thousands of dollars a month in wholesale finance charges
20:32And we have the largest selection of used tubes on the East Coast
20:36I can sell you new or used for far less because our costs are less
20:41But don't take my word for it
20:42Ask NASCAR legend Cooter Duncan
20:45I demand peak performance
20:47So when I've gotta reach the finish line
20:49I make it a Twain
20:51You can trust Twain Tubes
20:53Man and boy operated since 1878
20:56That's gonna be pretty hard to undo
20:58Who took my Twain out of the dishwasher?
21:28You can trust Twain
21:31Try the fifth time
21:33You can trust Twain