- 5 months ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00here it is next time on ellen from the new movie captured ellen welcomes joey tribbiani
00:07next time on ellen hey yeah suck on that oprah all right i gotta practice my entrance for the
00:16ellen show okay ready yeah
00:27well of course if you're not gonna i'm gonna look like an ass
00:32just be natural no one enters a room like that give it up zach is in the hell
00:37uh what's going on i'm just getting ready for my appearance on ellen you going on the ellen show
00:46yeah you want to come oh man you are not in the hollywood loop are you everyone knows ellen and
00:51i don't get along what are you talking about we had a falling out when i had a line on her sitcom
00:5710 years ago and that was the beginning of our feud it's sad really because it kind of killed
01:03both of our careers oh okay i got another idea tell me what you think of this for an entrance
01:19that's what i'm talking about
01:33hey bobby oh hey gina what are you doing where's bobby she'll be back in a second until then i'm her
01:59she's making me take her insurance physical ah i had to give her a urine sample for that last year
02:05well good news bobby according to these charts your health has improved markedly
02:10your blood pressure is no longer in the stroke range your liver has rejuvenated
02:17and that bullet seems to have dislodged itself
02:21oh what a relief also there's considerably less testosterone in your urine this year
02:26so it's pretty high last year right the point is you're in exceptional health for a woman turning
02:3540 in two days congratulations bobby's turning 40. no that's weird she didn't mention anything
02:44and there's nothing on her calendar oh hey gina oh hey joey so uh you wanted to see me oh yeah listen
02:52honey once you reach a certain level of fame people start cropping up from your past people who want to
02:59exploit you i got a call from a woman about a sex tape you made and she's threatening to release it
03:05really i know your career could use a little scandal it'd be great for your image so who's the girl
03:18her name is celeste celeste celeste de wolf i know what's on that tape oh man this cannot get out oh no
03:30if it's something damning it'll ruin your career and then you'll take me down with you
03:37maybe i could just talk to her or pay her off or something oh fine do that now i have to find
03:43another reason to get hammered tonight hey oh look at that
03:52okay i need you guys to watch this tape and give me your honest opinion of how bad i look what is
04:01it it's a sex tape oh my god okay well uh come on obviously i'm not going to show you the actual sex
04:09i'm a very private person oh yeah show of hands how many of us have walked in on joey having sex
04:14well maybe you could knock once in a while yeah there's no door on the roof of my car
04:25just watch the tape
04:36good lord how'd you make that look happen did you just go into a barber shop and say give me the pat
04:40benatar i thought we'd rehearse the whole scene and then replay it to see where we need work
04:48awesome so how do i look wicked awesome i just hope i could do this scene justice i mean this is
04:55probably the greatest monologue of all time i am
05:00jules you know honey this isn't real it's saint elmo's fire
05:06the sailors we guide entire journeys by it but the joke was on them there was no fire
05:15joey it's like you're channeling rob low
05:22wait wait wait wait maybe this isn't right i mean we're just dating this is serious
05:29i am serious celeste i love you you told her you loved her just to get her into bed no no no i
05:40actually meant that i did not however mean the next thing i said joey i was planning to save myself
05:48for the man i marry celeste
05:54i want to marry you
05:58i didn't do it he did
06:04this is awesome say i'm awesome okay right here is where she edited out about 30 minutes of sex stuff
06:12according to the time code it was more like two minutes yeah well i think your math is wrong
06:19what are you thinking about right now mrs celeste tribiani
06:26we just had sex and you're thinking about my aunt
06:30no silly i'm talking about us getting married
06:34oh right we're getting married i'm gonna call my mom at work right now and tell her to book the vfw hall
06:44i love you
06:45beyoncee yeah awesome
06:52the virus came
06:57you did go back and tell her the wedding was off right no i tried to call but she was on the phone for
07:01hours telling her whole family they even picked a date august 23rd there was no wedding but i
07:07remember the date because that was the day her brothers blew up my car
07:12so you never spoke to her no i feel terrible if you listen real close you can hear her calling her
07:18family cousin marie i'm getting married what cousin marie did not know at this time was that in two
07:25weeks she would come to my house to give me a piece of her mind i would tell her i loved her and we
07:30would do it
07:37hey you ready for lunch oh yeah in a minute let me ask you something 40th birthday is really important
07:42right oh my god gina you're turning 40 you look great we're talking about bobby
07:51tomorrow's her birthday i don't think she has anything planned oh you need to talk to her milestone
07:55birthdays are very important oh hey gina oh who's your little gentleman friend
08:04no actually we've met i did some legal work for you jim thompson you old dog
08:12listen bobby i know tomorrow's your birthday you want me to plan something that's very sweet but i'm
08:17all set every year on my birthday i go out to dinner with my dearest friends from college rich and sue peters
08:25we're eating at citrine tomorrow night and by the way i may be writing it off as a business expense
08:31i hope that's okay with you jim
08:38you should call the restaurant and uh and send a bottle of wine oh here here's the number
08:45oh she has dean kane's home phone uh he was superman he played football for princeton
08:51hi yeah i'd like to send over a bottle of wine to bobby morgan stern's table tomorrow night
09:00she doesn't oh how about peters no okay thanks they don't have a reservation for bobby
09:10she lied oh that is so sad she's embarrassed and doesn't want us to know that she doesn't have
09:17anybody to celebrate with come on bobby i will bet you underneath that thick crust there's a real
09:22woman in there with real emotions hey who wants to see a picture of a python eating a baby
09:33i'm just so nervous about seeing celeste again you know i've always known that this
09:37was going to come back to haunt me god it's really that big a deal yes okay look i've said
09:41a lot of things to get sex all right i'm dying in a week i'm going to war antonio banderas is my
09:50brother but the one thing you never ever do is tell a girl you're gonna marry her that that crossed the
09:57line and you know what this is my chance to make it right that's her uh can you guys give me a little
10:04privacy yeah celeste hey long time no z 20 years yeah only five more till our silver anniversary
10:21let's get to the point you did the worst thing any person has ever done to me and now that you're this
10:26big movie star i gotta read a magazines about what a great guy you are and you're a creep
10:30joey i traveled all this way after all these years because i need some closure okay well look
10:36i'm glad you did okay here come here sit down celeste i am really really sorry about what i did no no
10:45it's not enough for you to just apologize to me i want my friends and my family to hear this
10:50and everyone else back home who thought you were gonna marry me you do that tape goes away
10:55okay i would love to do that but i can't go to new york right now i got too much work stuff going
11:01on oh you don't have to go to new york you're gonna do it tomorrow on the ellen show
11:08but i was gonna tell a funny story about a skating monkey his skates are like this big and he has a
11:14shirt that says go bananas and he comes joey apologize to me on national television or i will send that tape to
11:21ellen and oprah and i'm not gonna stop till it's seen by every woman in america every woman in america
11:28those are the people i like to have sex with all right fine if if that's what you really want i'll do it
11:39but you tell your brothers if they're ever on tv i want an apology for my car
11:42camara was awesome
11:50oh man i shouldn't have come here i'm telling you ellen's gonna flip out when she sees me
11:53no she won't and you had to come i can't go on a big talk show without my buddy you're my entourage
12:01oh man thanks hey i got a gig saturday night maybe you could be my entourage yeah i kind of got a thing
12:06joey tribbiani hey welcome to the show oh boy hey hi ellen nice to meet you nice to meet you too
12:14this is going to be a lot of fun and that monkey story that's going to be fun
12:18yeah i uh i might not get to that one the uh pre-interview says your interests are not reading
12:24in food fascinating oh uh ellen this is my friend zach hey zach hey ellen nice to meet you
12:33you i'm zach zach zach zach zach i do that too sometimes it's so funny to say a word over and
12:43over until it's weird like water water water water water water water water and i just went to the
12:51bathroom you you really don't remember me from your sitcom zach from the muffin scene wow yes the
13:03muffin scene zach oh of course i do i'm sorry yes you were the worst actor we've ever had on the
13:08show you don't remember me yeah of course i remember you i was so mad at you that day how's that muffin
13:15that's all you had to say 37 takes and you couldn't get it right allian do it for me right
13:19now how's that muffin hey baby is that my god you can't do it still that's incredible try it one more
13:24time if i was a muffin still can't do it not even close it's incredible ellen uh yeah we're ready for
13:29you now okay god all right see you later zach okay it's so horrible
13:38my next guest has just made the jump to the big screen please welcome joey tribbiani
13:43so joey this has been quite a year for you how does it feel it feels good yeah but before we get
14:02started i would like to take a minute to apologize to a special woman really is it someone we know uh no
14:09no just a woman from back home all right well that's sweet uh you seem like a nice guy you also
14:15seem like a guy who would have an interesting story about a monkey
14:27i i i really i should apologize first okay well it's very important do you go ahead thanks
14:32celeste you are a very special person i am so sorry for what i did to you please forgive me
14:43well now you have to tell us what you did
14:47oh well i probably shouldn't get into it here well i hate to tell you already have
14:53okay well it's kind of embarrassing see this was back in the mid 80s oh the 80s all right paint the
14:59picture what's the look tell us the hair what was your hair doing uh moose was used uh-huh yeah
15:06yeah and and there may have been perhaps a hint of a tail oh a tail
15:13so uh and anyway anyway i'm with this girl you know and and i'm trying to you know
15:21yeah so so i kind of might have told her that i loved her
15:32and then i also kind of might have said i'd marry her
15:38so well so then you know we do it because we're getting married
15:41you know and and then she calls her mom to tell her to book the vf freaking w hall
15:48you know and i'm all is there a fire escape and and and there is so i i tear out of that place
15:56wearing nothing but an afghan and and some moose yeah yeah with my little tail flapping in the room
16:16hey bobby i don't want to put you on the spot but i found out you don't really have plans for your
16:21birthday sure i do i'm having dinner with my friends rich and sue for shenan and then
16:31and where are you having dinner i told you we're going to first
16:39come on bobby don't lie to me all right you found me out i don't have anyone to spend my birthday with
16:48it's hard being a successful woman in this town did i piss people off did i burn some bridges yes
16:56did i burn down this set of just the ten of us yes well you and me can do something fun oh thank you
17:04but i think i just want to do the same thing that i do every year on my birthday
17:08i want to go home i want to get into bed and just wait for it to be morning bobby you can't do
17:15oh come on i don't want to talk about it anymore i just want to be miserable for the next 24 hours and
17:20that's just the way it is but for what it's worth i just want to say this is probably the nicest thing
17:29an employee has ever done for me thank you for shitting me
17:46hey i guess you saw the show look i did not mean for it to go that way it got out of control celeste i'm
17:52so sorry once again things work out for you here you go
18:00why are you giving me this because the tape doesn't matter the story's out
18:04my most painful memory has been reduced to some lame joke celeste it was a bunch of big jokes
18:14well wait wait wait wait wait okay come on i totally screwed up please just just give me one
18:18more chance to try to make it up to you i don't know how you could i cared about you and you used
18:23me and after i saw what you did on that show tonight it's obvious you never gave a damn about me
18:28okay that is not true from the moment i first saw you in junior high i was obsessed
18:35do you expect me to believe that first period french second period chemistry third period study
18:40hall is that that's your schedule senior year i memorized all your classes
18:45remember how i always used to bump into you outside of gym that's because i skipped math to see you
18:52five days a week 40 weeks a year you know how many classes that is because i don't
19:01okay look you can say that i screwed up but you cannot say i didn't care i mean we were great together
19:08you were my first real love
19:15i guess i never knew that that's kind of sweet
19:23my life is good real good but i have to admit you know sometimes i wonder what it would be like if
19:30i'd had the guts to stick around that night you always know exactly how to get to me tribiani
19:42always made me want to still
19:49still
19:49what do you say you uh go back up to my room relive an old memory
20:02well uh looks less i would love to but i think we're in a really good place right now you know
20:09i just righted the worst wrong of my life and now
20:13i think i owe it to you to be a gentleman and let you go
20:23come on done
20:27okay but uh just to be clear i gotta take off right afterwards yeah me too okay
20:38oh i don't know about this bobby really seemed like she didn't want to party
20:42uh i think when she sees the portable karaoke machine she will
20:50welcome to caligula
20:57okay look i know this looks bad but in all fairness to me i was lying because i didn't want you here
21:07why this event is a list you know it's okay that you didn't invite me but i think it's really rude
21:14that you didn't invite joey hey bobby the chocolate fountain is almost out at your home
21:20hey guys
21:22wow that's a little awkward huh okay look you're not really missing anything the most famous person here
21:28is dean kane
Be the first to comment