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TurdLok
  • today
Transcript
00:01Now, scrape out your eyes and shit in your hat for Beat Kids, child porter Tootsie Mohenow.
00:09Beat Kids! Beat Kids!
00:12You know what sport I would like to see?
00:15If you breed a stallion with a raccoon, and then you could see if their freak spawn could kill a monkey.
00:21That would be fun.
00:22This place is nicer than my orphanage!
00:25They make me sleep in a bed with my own sick!
00:28But it's surprisingly comfy.
00:30Your mouth pits an upper lip when the triple crown of stink.
00:43Have your chalkies been fixed?
00:45What?
00:46What was that one?
00:49If I win this race, I'll pay to get you fixed, bub.
00:53It wasn't doing any good.
00:56Fix me?
00:58No.
00:59Because I'm too old.
01:00You're never too old to get fixed, Pops.
01:03I don't know.
01:04At 87, I would even think of it.
01:07What's your favorite race?
01:09Any race where there's a good competitive bunch of horses.
01:15Is that a slander against the Asians?
01:18No, no.
01:19Big kids!
01:20Big kid!
01:21Chug, chug, chug!
01:22Spring break!
01:23Ew, you eat out of my hand just like my aunt!
01:25Here, hobo, hobo!
01:26Here, hobo, hobo!
01:27Here, hobo, hobo!
01:28Thank you kindly, ma'am.
01:29Big kids!
01:30Big kids!
01:31How much would you think I'd be worth?
01:34I don't know.
01:35You look pretty scornish.
01:36I don't know if you'd be worth that much.
01:37I'd have to take you in the back and weigh you.
01:39Can you do that?
01:40Sure, we'll do that.
01:41Okay.
01:42Come here, little guy.
01:43Oh my god!
01:44A meat, a meat, a meat!
01:45I did it!
01:46Big kids!
01:47Big kids!
01:48Big kids!
01:49Big kids!
01:50Big kids!
01:51Big kids!
01:52Big kids!
01:53How much would you think I'd be worth?
01:54I don't know.
01:55You look pretty scornish.
01:56I don't know if you'd be worth that much.
01:57I'd have to take you in the back and weigh you.
01:59Can you do that?
02:00Sure, we'll do that.
02:01Okay.
02:02Come here, little guy.
02:03Oh my god!
02:05A meat!
02:06A meat!
02:07A meat!
02:08I did it!
02:09Big kids!
02:10Big kids!
02:12Here's how I would categorize blood.
02:16Bloods and crips.
02:18Oh.
02:19And crap.
02:21I took this this morning, so it's fine.
02:24It's not that big of a deal.
02:25That shouldn't get mixed up in the blood supply.
02:27Someone might get sick.
02:28Got some liquid gold running through these veins.
02:31Oh no, I got some liquid gold on my pants now.
02:37Uh-oh.
02:38Did baby go boom boom under his blanket?
02:43Sometimes.
02:44I have an idea to get America excited about blood again.
02:50Plasma toothpaste.
02:52There's stain fighting power of blood.
02:55What?
02:56Oh.
02:57Got any bloody Listerine in there?
02:58You're sick, lady.
02:59That's disgusting.
03:00Oh, okay.
03:01We're having all the good time until that bomb drops.
03:05Oh.
03:06If your blood goes into someone who later shoots the president, would you be made a
03:12hero or would you go to jail?
03:15I think I'd be made a hero.
03:18You crazy lady, you crazy.
03:21Cuckoo, cuckoo.
03:22Give me a kiss.
03:25No.
03:26Hi.
03:27Beat Kids!
03:28Beat Kids!
03:29Do you think rap music has ruined our society?
03:33I don't think it's ruined our society, but I don't think it has any merit.
03:37Thanks a lot, buddy.
03:39You just made Hitler cry.
03:41You keep it in a cage like a dirty animal.
04:00Can I try it on?
04:01Wait, I have to unpin it first, okay?
04:03Is that why they call the contestants pinheads?
04:06How did you feel when the crown first went on your head?
04:10Hmm, I felt like I had a lot of things poking in my head and I thought that maybe I was going
04:15to get a headache very shortly.
04:17I was talking about emotionally, but you can keep talking about your scalp if you want.
04:22What do you think your strongest suit is?
04:25My interview skills.
04:26I like to talk to people.
04:27Okay, interview me.
04:28Interview you, okay.
04:30Do you do pageants?
04:31Why are you grilling me so much?
04:33Give it a rest more and be safer.
04:35Who could win in a kick fight, Miss USA or a donkey?
04:39Miss USA.
04:40A donkey or an ostrich?
04:42Ostrich.
04:43Ostrich.
04:44Ostrich or three baboons?
04:46Three baboons.
04:47Baboons.
04:48Is that the toughest question that you've been asked so far in this competition?
04:53Probably.
04:54Probably.
04:55There's so much plastic in these ladies.
04:59They're essentially cyborgs.
05:01Cyborg-licious.
05:03Big kids.
05:05Now there's a new rule in the Catholic Church that the priests can't go past second base.
05:15So, if you believe in that, will you sign my ball?
05:21Do you believe in hell?
05:23I question it.
05:25I question it all the time.
05:27Well, your breath is my personal hell.
05:30No question about it.
05:31High five.
05:32Yeah.
05:33High five.
05:34Your armpit's so bad it makes me speak in tongues.
05:37Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,
05:42blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
05:43That's all, jerk.
05:44Now get out of here.
05:45Good help.
05:46What do you think the real Pope would think about this?
05:48Let me read his mind.
05:50Oh, Pope, what do you think about me?
05:53See, he answered.
05:55He's not offended?
05:57No.
05:58He just farted in my mind.
06:00What a rude guy.
06:01Oh my goodness.
06:02I'm the corpse of the Pope and I've come back from the dead.
06:07to tell you.
06:09You need a stick of deodorant.
06:11Oh, is that right?
06:13Maybe you should chew on a stick of deodorant.
06:16I'll think about that.
06:18You're crying.
06:19Yeah, I can't help it.
06:21Oh, poor baby.
06:22Did the corpse of the Pope make you cry?
06:26I guess it did.
06:27I guess it did.
06:28Oh, boo hell.
06:29Yeah.
06:30Yip-dee-da-da-da.
06:31Yeah.
06:32Big Kids.
06:33You know what?
06:34They say that men and gorillas are the only two animals that laugh to overcome sadness.
06:40What do you think makes a gorilla laugh?
06:42Maybe a different color banana or something.
06:46Do you think you're so unfunny that gorillas would throw their feces at you?
06:50Probably would.
06:51I probably would be a good target of feces.
06:53That would be me.
06:54Fun.
06:55Now have you completely forgotten about 9-11?
07:01No.
07:02Probably will never forget it.
07:04If there was a roast for Osama Bin Laden, what would you say about it?
07:08I would say I would have to meet the man first before I could judge him.
07:11As a gesture of respect here at 9-11, can you remove your hairpiece in honor?
07:17You're for it or against it?
07:20Am I for this?
07:22Yeah.
07:23Oh, absolutely.
07:24For the bombing?
07:27No, not for the bombing.
07:29Wait, against?
07:30You're against them building this beautiful building?
07:33How could you?
07:34No, you're not saying that.
07:35Not myself.
07:36Senorita Wincis, make us laugh like the old days.
07:39I hate Bill London.
07:40Si.
07:41I hate God.
07:43So.
07:44Oh, boy.
07:45Big Kids!
07:48Spaying and neutering is such a scary way to put it.
07:51What about a better name?
07:52Like mangle their dangles.
07:53Doink their doink.
07:55Removeries their lady parts.
07:57That's not very poetic.
08:00Well, you're not exactly Chaucer lady.
08:02After you neuter a puppy, do his parts go to heaven?
08:05No, I don't think so.
08:06I think the puppy, his little spirit is within him, not just in his parts.
08:11That would be a trip, though.
08:12A heaven full of puppy parts.
08:14What do you do with the parts after you remove them?
08:17That's what's called medical waste.
08:19In my neighborhood, it's called the number five lunch special.
08:21If you could neuter anyone in history, who would it be?
08:24The dog that had 20 puppies that are in the shelter downstairs right now.
08:29You wouldn't neuter Hitler?
08:31Big Kids!
08:32Does the media have a duty?
08:35The media has a duty, yes, to inform the public.
08:38Is it the same as a doggy duty?
08:41Uh, no, I don't think so.
08:44What exactly is the difference?
08:46A dog duty is something that they leave on the floor, and a regular duty is something that you do.
08:53Do you trust your own eyes?
08:56As far as I can see.
08:58The music.
08:59So
09:045
09:05You