Beat Kids

TurdLok

3 months ago

Transcript

00:01Now, scrape out your eyes and shit in your hat for Beat Kids, child porter Tootsie Mohenow.

00:09Beat Kids! Beat Kids!

00:12You know what sport I would like to see?

00:15If you breed a stallion with a raccoon, and then you could see if their freak spawn could kill a monkey.

00:21That would be fun.

00:22This place is nicer than my orphanage!

00:25They make me sleep in a bed with my own sick!

00:28But it's surprisingly comfy.

00:30Your mouth pits an upper lip when the triple crown of stink.

00:43Have your chalkies been fixed?

00:45What?

00:46What was that one?

00:49If I win this race, I'll pay to get you fixed, bub.

00:53It wasn't doing any good.

00:56Fix me?

00:58No.

00:59Because I'm too old.

01:00You're never too old to get fixed, Pops.

01:03I don't know.

01:04At 87, I would even think of it.

01:07What's your favorite race?

01:09Any race where there's a good competitive bunch of horses.

01:15Is that a slander against the Asians?

01:18No, no.

01:19Big kids!

01:20Big kid!

01:21Chug, chug, chug!

01:22Spring break!

01:23Ew, you eat out of my hand just like my aunt!

01:25Here, hobo, hobo!

01:26Here, hobo, hobo!

01:27Here, hobo, hobo!

01:28Thank you kindly, ma'am.

01:29Big kids!

01:30Big kids!

01:31How much would you think I'd be worth?

01:34I don't know.

01:35You look pretty scornish.

01:36I don't know if you'd be worth that much.

01:37I'd have to take you in the back and weigh you.

01:39Can you do that?

01:40Sure, we'll do that.

01:41Okay.

01:42Come here, little guy.

01:43Oh my god!

01:44A meat, a meat, a meat!

01:45I did it!

01:46Big kids!

01:47Big kids!

01:48Big kids!

01:49Big kids!

01:50Big kids!

01:51Big kids!

01:52Big kids!

01:53How much would you think I'd be worth?

01:54I don't know.

01:55You look pretty scornish.

01:56I don't know if you'd be worth that much.

01:57I'd have to take you in the back and weigh you.

01:59Can you do that?

02:00Sure, we'll do that.

02:01Okay.

02:02Come here, little guy.

02:03Oh my god!

02:05A meat!

02:06A meat!

02:07A meat!

02:08I did it!

02:09Big kids!

02:10Big kids!

02:12Here's how I would categorize blood.

02:16Bloods and crips.

02:18Oh.

02:19And crap.

02:21I took this this morning, so it's fine.

02:24It's not that big of a deal.

02:25That shouldn't get mixed up in the blood supply.

02:27Someone might get sick.

02:28Got some liquid gold running through these veins.

02:31Oh no, I got some liquid gold on my pants now.

02:37Uh-oh.

02:38Did baby go boom boom under his blanket?

02:43Sometimes.

02:44I have an idea to get America excited about blood again.

02:50Plasma toothpaste.

02:52There's stain fighting power of blood.

02:55What?

02:56Oh.

02:57Got any bloody Listerine in there?

02:58You're sick, lady.

02:59That's disgusting.

03:00Oh, okay.

03:01We're having all the good time until that bomb drops.

03:05Oh.

03:06If your blood goes into someone who later shoots the president, would you be made a

03:12hero or would you go to jail?

03:15I think I'd be made a hero.

03:18You crazy lady, you crazy.

03:21Cuckoo, cuckoo.

03:22Give me a kiss.

03:25No.

03:26Hi.

03:27Beat Kids!

03:28Beat Kids!

03:29Do you think rap music has ruined our society?

03:33I don't think it's ruined our society, but I don't think it has any merit.

03:37Thanks a lot, buddy.

03:39You just made Hitler cry.

03:41You keep it in a cage like a dirty animal.

04:00Can I try it on?

04:01Wait, I have to unpin it first, okay?

04:03Is that why they call the contestants pinheads?

04:06How did you feel when the crown first went on your head?

04:10Hmm, I felt like I had a lot of things poking in my head and I thought that maybe I was going

04:15to get a headache very shortly.

04:17I was talking about emotionally, but you can keep talking about your scalp if you want.

04:22What do you think your strongest suit is?

04:25My interview skills.

04:26I like to talk to people.

04:27Okay, interview me.

04:28Interview you, okay.

04:30Do you do pageants?

04:31Why are you grilling me so much?

04:33Give it a rest more and be safer.

04:35Who could win in a kick fight, Miss USA or a donkey?

04:39Miss USA.

04:40A donkey or an ostrich?

04:42Ostrich.

04:43Ostrich.

04:44Ostrich or three baboons?

04:46Three baboons.

04:47Baboons.

04:48Is that the toughest question that you've been asked so far in this competition?

04:53Probably.

04:54Probably.

04:55There's so much plastic in these ladies.

04:59They're essentially cyborgs.

05:01Cyborg-licious.

05:03Big kids.

05:05Now there's a new rule in the Catholic Church that the priests can't go past second base.

05:15So, if you believe in that, will you sign my ball?

05:21Do you believe in hell?

05:23I question it.

05:25I question it all the time.

05:27Well, your breath is my personal hell.

05:30No question about it.

05:31High five.

05:32Yeah.

05:33High five.

05:34Your armpit's so bad it makes me speak in tongues.

05:37Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,

05:42blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

05:43That's all, jerk.

05:44Now get out of here.

05:45Good help.

05:46What do you think the real Pope would think about this?

05:48Let me read his mind.

05:50Oh, Pope, what do you think about me?

05:53See, he answered.

05:55He's not offended?

05:57No.

05:58He just farted in my mind.

06:00What a rude guy.

06:01Oh my goodness.

06:02I'm the corpse of the Pope and I've come back from the dead.

06:07to tell you.

06:09You need a stick of deodorant.

06:11Oh, is that right?

06:13Maybe you should chew on a stick of deodorant.

06:16I'll think about that.

06:18You're crying.

06:19Yeah, I can't help it.

06:21Oh, poor baby.

06:22Did the corpse of the Pope make you cry?

06:26I guess it did.

06:27I guess it did.

06:28Oh, boo hell.

06:29Yeah.

06:30Yip-dee-da-da-da.

06:31Yeah.

06:32Big Kids.

06:33You know what?

06:34They say that men and gorillas are the only two animals that laugh to overcome sadness.

06:40What do you think makes a gorilla laugh?

06:42Maybe a different color banana or something.

06:46Do you think you're so unfunny that gorillas would throw their feces at you?

06:50Probably would.

06:51I probably would be a good target of feces.

06:53That would be me.

06:54Fun.

06:55Now have you completely forgotten about 9-11?

07:01No.

07:02Probably will never forget it.

07:04If there was a roast for Osama Bin Laden, what would you say about it?

07:08I would say I would have to meet the man first before I could judge him.

07:11As a gesture of respect here at 9-11, can you remove your hairpiece in honor?

07:17You're for it or against it?

07:20Am I for this?

07:22Yeah.

07:23Oh, absolutely.

07:24For the bombing?

07:27No, not for the bombing.

07:29Wait, against?

07:30You're against them building this beautiful building?

07:33How could you?

07:34No, you're not saying that.

07:35Not myself.

07:36Senorita Wincis, make us laugh like the old days.

07:39I hate Bill London.

07:40Si.

07:41I hate God.

07:43So.

07:44Oh, boy.

07:45Big Kids!

07:48Spaying and neutering is such a scary way to put it.

07:51What about a better name?

07:52Like mangle their dangles.

07:53Doink their doink.

07:55Removeries their lady parts.

07:57That's not very poetic.

08:00Well, you're not exactly Chaucer lady.

08:02After you neuter a puppy, do his parts go to heaven?

08:05No, I don't think so.

08:06I think the puppy, his little spirit is within him, not just in his parts.

08:11That would be a trip, though.

08:12A heaven full of puppy parts.

08:14What do you do with the parts after you remove them?

08:17That's what's called medical waste.

08:19In my neighborhood, it's called the number five lunch special.

08:21If you could neuter anyone in history, who would it be?

08:24The dog that had 20 puppies that are in the shelter downstairs right now.

08:29You wouldn't neuter Hitler?

08:31Big Kids!

08:32Does the media have a duty?

08:35The media has a duty, yes, to inform the public.

08:38Is it the same as a doggy duty?

08:41Uh, no, I don't think so.

08:44What exactly is the difference?

08:46A dog duty is something that they leave on the floor, and a regular duty is something that you do.

08:53Do you trust your own eyes?

08:56As far as I can see.

08:58The music.

08:59So

09:045

09:05You

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