- 2 days ago
Ukranian comic Yakov Smirnoff swings a hammer and sickle at life in America and Soviet Russia in this side-splitting Cold War-era standup special.
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
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00:00A child is born in the heart of Cold War Russia.
00:19He is different than the others.
00:22He is curious and funny.
00:25Perhaps a little too funny for his own good.
00:30He talks about things that are not socially correct.
00:33About freedom, opportunity.
00:37The government is nervous.
00:39How will they silence him?
00:41In 1977, they find a solution.
00:43The U.S. sends them millions of tons of wheat.
00:45And they send us...
00:47Yakov Smirnoff.
01:07Thank you very much.
01:10My name is Yakov Smirnoff.
01:12And as you know, I'm originally from Russia.
01:17Thank you very much.
01:18But I'm an American now.
01:29It's great to be an American.
01:30Actually, in my high school yearbook, I was voted most likely to be an American.
01:34I bet you never expected that things would change and the world would change the way it has in the last few years.
01:44Have you ever expected that Russia is not going to have a Communist Party?
01:49Do you realize that America is probably going to be the only country that has the Communist Party?
01:54I bet you never expected that America is going to be asked to dismantle Russia's nuclear missiles.
02:03This is what's happening right now.
02:05Yeltsin is asking Clinton to give money to dismantle nuclear missiles.
02:09We don't have money to give away here.
02:11So I have a better idea.
02:13We borrow those nuclear missiles from the Russians.
02:16Bring them to New York.
02:18Park them in a dark alley overnight.
02:24They'd be dismantled in no time.
02:35And other things Russians now are asking to send them.
02:37Ambitious, aggressive people from America.
02:39I think that's a great idea.
02:41We should send them some.
02:42The ones that we can spare.
02:45Like personal injury attorneys.
02:50IRS agents.
02:54And those people from Amway.
03:01Talking about Russia reminds me of my childhood.
03:04I want to take a moment to tell you a little story.
03:08I remember when I was a little kid.
03:13One summer day, my dad took me for a walk.
03:16Just as the sun was setting over Moscow.
03:20And it was a beautiful sight.
03:21And my dad said to me,
03:23Son, look up in the sky and tell me what you see.
03:26And I said, there's nothing there.
03:29Then he sat us on the bench.
03:32And as the skies grew dim,
03:35the stars started to come out.
03:37And he said, now what do you see?
03:41I said, well, the stars are coming out.
03:43But I'm bored.
03:45Let's go.
03:47As we were going home, he said to me,
03:49Son, what I'm trying to tell you,
03:52stars really never came out.
03:54They were always there.
03:56And the point is,
03:58sometimes, even though we look,
04:00we don't always see.
04:03And I will never forget that.
04:05I was only eight years old.
04:06And I was taken by the moment.
04:08I said, Dad, you need a hobby.
04:15But I really, for the longest time,
04:18I couldn't understand what my dad was talking about
04:21until I started living the American dream.
04:26I'm married to an American woman.
04:28And when man gets married in America,
04:31it looks like he becomes the head of the family.
04:39But no one tells you that woman becomes the neck of the family.
04:45And she turns the head anywhere she wants.
04:56Sometimes you get whiplash.
05:02That's why we say we have a pain in the neck.
05:06I'm married to a woman from Oregon.
05:09Anybody here from Oregon, by chance?
05:10Applaud if you are.
05:11Do you know Linda?
05:16I realize how conservative people in Oregon are
05:20when I met her parents.
05:21Would you agree that people in Oregon are pretty conservative?
05:24Would you say that Russian son-in-law
05:26is not number one on their wish list?
05:28Maybe after Spotted Owl?
05:35I met her parents.
05:38Her mom was really trying.
05:40I mean, she still tries.
05:41She reads things about Russia.
05:43She wants to make me feel at home.
05:44Last time I was there, in a gas bathroom,
05:47there was no toilet paper.
05:48Her dad is a big American outdoorsman
05:54with a very strange sense of humor.
05:57The other day I saw him and he said to me,
05:59have you heard this one?
06:01Russian family could never get the group portrait taken
06:04because every time photographer would say cheese,
06:08they would form a straight line.
06:10And I got to tell you,
06:22I realize now how different we are,
06:27Linda and I,
06:27or how different our backgrounds are
06:29when we had our children.
06:31We have now two kids.
06:32And the difference is incredible.
06:34First of all, Linda wanted,
06:35when our daughter was born,
06:37to call her real American name,
06:39Brandy.
06:40And I said,
06:42Brandy Smear now?
06:48Why don't we just send her
06:50to Betty Ford Daycare Center?
06:58Raising kids,
07:00you know,
07:00you fall back
07:01on the things
07:02that you knew from your childhood.
07:03For example,
07:04now Alexander,
07:05our little one,
07:06is a year old
07:07and he's sucking his thumb
07:08because he's teething.
07:09My mom used to put pepper on my thumb.
07:13And I did that with Alexander
07:15and Linda said to me,
07:16this is the most barbaric thing
07:18I've ever seen.
07:19You don't put pepper on baby's thumb,
07:21you put Tabasco sauce on.
07:23They're tough in Oregon.
07:26They're tough in Oregon.
07:28And then,
07:29the other day,
07:30I was putting Alexander to bed
07:32and he was cranking.
07:33I was,
07:34I was singing Russian lullaby
07:36and I'm singing,
07:37Chizik,
07:38Pijik,
07:39Gde ty byl?
07:40Na fontane,
07:41Vodku piil.
07:42And my wife is staring me,
07:44is this a communist chant?
07:47I said,
07:48no,
07:48it's a sweet lullaby.
07:49You know,
07:50it says,
07:50little birdie,
07:52where were you?
07:53I drank vodka with a few.
07:56On my wife's face,
07:58I can see pull over,
08:01step away from the vehicle.
08:04I said,
08:04wait,
08:04wait,
08:05wait a minute.
08:05What about the songs you're singing?
08:07Like,
08:07Rockabye Baby.
08:09When the bow breaks,
08:10the cradle will fall
08:11and down will come baby cradle and all.
08:15Not the most comforting thought.
08:18Sounds like insurance company jingle.
08:20At least they could have put a bungee cord on it.
08:27My wife said to me,
08:29I'll show you how to put a baby to sleep.
08:32She takes Alexander from me.
08:33She puts him in a bassinet.
08:35She puts bassinet on top of the dryer.
08:39She turned on the dryer.
08:41Two minutes later,
08:42he was sound asleep.
08:43I'm going,
08:43oh,
08:44great.
08:45All other kids are going to go to daycare center.
08:47I have to drop him off at the laundromat.
08:50I'm learning a lot.
08:58I'm learning to change diapers,
09:01you know,
09:01and I like doing that.
09:08We use cloth diapers
09:09because it's good for the environment.
09:12Not the environment in your own home.
09:14It's like having toxic waste dump in your home.
09:20When we have friends over,
09:22I go,
09:22this is our bedroom,
09:23this is our kitchen,
09:24and this is Chernobyl.
09:29Now,
09:30now,
09:30kids are,
09:31are so amazing.
09:32You know,
09:33I,
09:33I just,
09:34yeah,
09:36there they are.
09:37I mean,
09:38they,
09:38they are so inquisitive.
09:40They're so much fun.
09:41And Natasha
09:41is now in that stage
09:43when she says,
09:44no a lot.
09:45And,
09:46I made a little video
09:47that I would like to share with you.
09:50And,
09:50this is a video
09:52I'll probably be able to use later on in life.
09:55And,
09:56here it is.
09:56That's Natasha.
10:05Natasha,
10:06will you need a car
10:08for your 16th birthday?
10:10No.
10:12Will you need,
10:13um,
10:14diamonds?
10:15No.
10:17Will you need,
10:19will you need credit cards?
10:21No.
10:24Will you need an attorney
10:26to prove this video
10:27is no good?
10:29Yeah.
10:39Now,
10:40now,
10:41she,
10:41I have this weird laugh
10:43and,
10:43and she picked up my laugh
10:44and here's,
10:47you're so cute.
10:54Cute.
10:56The other day,
11:04Linda and I went to a restaurant
11:06and we left her
11:07with a new babysitter
11:08and the babysitter
11:08called us in panic
11:09going,
11:10Mr. Smirnoff,
11:11does Natasha have asthma?
11:15And I'm going,
11:16he goes,
11:19never mind.
11:20I just,
11:26I have the best time,
11:27you know,
11:28with them.
11:29They,
11:29they,
11:29they question things,
11:31they want to know everything
11:32and I love having fun
11:34with the kids
11:34but I also realize
11:36that being responsible parents,
11:38I need to discipline
11:39and this is the toughest part,
11:41you know,
11:41because you read,
11:42you read some books
11:43and some books say,
11:44don't ever spank a child
11:45and some say,
11:47oh,
11:47beat the crap out of them.
11:50Let me ask the audience,
11:51how many of you,
11:52by applause,
11:53believe that you should
11:54never spank a child?
11:55Applaud.
11:59And how many of you
12:00feel it's okay to spank?
12:08Well,
12:09I guess these people
12:10have a little bit more practice,
12:11huh?
12:13So,
12:14let me ask the people
12:14who don't spank,
12:16what would you,
12:17what do you do
12:17instead of spanking?
12:18How do you discipline?
12:21Time,
12:22time out.
12:23My,
12:24my wife likes this,
12:25she,
12:26she puts Natasha
12:27on the chair
12:29and she makes her think
12:30of what she've done
12:31and I'm saying,
12:33honey,
12:33she's thinking
12:34how she can do it
12:35next time
12:35without getting caught
12:36and Linda said,
12:40no,
12:41no,
12:41this is the place
12:42where children think
12:43of their problems
12:44and I said,
12:45you know,
12:45adults have the same thing,
12:46we call it happy hour.
12:51Any other ones?
12:52Time out is one.
12:53What else?
12:54I'm sorry,
12:55get them
12:59with the bowl bath?
13:04Is that like
13:05Saddam Hussein technique
13:07or something?
13:09What else?
13:12Sit them on the chair.
13:16So,
13:17you would,
13:17you would sit them
13:18on the chair
13:19and then every time
13:20they would ask,
13:21when can I get off
13:22the chair?
13:23you say,
13:2415 minutes longer.
13:26So,
13:26are they still
13:27on the chair?
13:32What else?
13:34Lock them
13:35in the room.
13:37Do you know
13:37the guy
13:38was a bowl bath?
13:39what else?
13:47What else?
13:48Anything else?
13:50I'm sorry,
13:51ma'am?
13:54Put them in the cradle.
13:57Put them in the cradle
13:58and wait
13:59until the bowl breaks.
14:00How many kids
14:02do you have?
14:04You don't have any?
14:07How many did you have?
14:08My father-in-law
14:14does not believe
14:15in spanking
14:15but he is
14:16pro-capital punishment.
14:19Spanking is not okay
14:20but the electric chair
14:22is fine.
14:24In his house
14:25when you're grounded
14:25there's a cord attached.
14:29What else?
14:31I'm sorry,
14:32being violent.
14:34Like what?
14:34Like slapping you?
14:39So you smack him
14:40and you say
14:41we don't hit people?
14:48That makes sense.
14:52What else?
14:53What else would this have?
14:54I'm sorry?
14:57Ma'am?
15:01Lying.
15:02Lying.
15:02What did you call it?
15:04Fibbing.
15:06Fibbing.
15:12Fibbing.
15:15Hey, Billy Bob,
15:16you want to go fibbing?
15:21What age do you
15:22stop spanking?
15:28When they're bigger than you.
15:31When they say,
15:32Dad,
15:32this is going to hurt you more.
15:34My mom said to me
15:38I would never
15:39spank a child.
15:40I said,
15:41Mom,
15:41I was there.
15:44My mom,
15:46to discipline me,
15:46she used to scare me
15:47with Baba Yaga
15:48which is like a wicked witch.
15:49She would say,
15:50Baba Yaga
15:50is going to come
15:51and take you away.
15:53And I'm living
15:54in this communal apartment
15:55with 12 other families.
15:58We have no hot water,
15:59bathrooms outside.
16:00Being taken away
16:01did not sound bad.
16:03I said,
16:06Mom,
16:07what time is she coming?
16:08I said,
16:08Mom,
16:08what time is she coming?
16:10And kids,
16:20I also surprised me
16:21how inquisitive
16:23and interested they are.
16:25Natasha walks around
16:25all the time going,
16:26Daddy,
16:26what's that?
16:27What's that?
16:28What's that?
16:28And you better have an answer.
16:31You know,
16:31what's that,
16:33Daddy?
16:33It's an apple.
16:34Apple.
16:34Apple.
16:36What's that?
16:37It's the president.
16:39Hillary.
16:40The other day,
16:46I was changing Alexander
16:50and this is where
16:51some strange things happen.
16:53You see,
16:54kids,
16:55kids,
16:56especially when you have
16:57a boy and a girl,
16:58the questions start
16:59coming about sexuality.
17:01And,
17:02I remember when I was
17:0313 years old,
17:05my parents did not
17:06talk about it at all.
17:07I asked my dad,
17:08I said,
17:09Dad,
17:09tell me about
17:10the facts of life.
17:11And he said,
17:13you'll be standing
17:13in line for food
17:15until the stars come out.
17:25So,
17:26I was changing Alexander
17:29and Natasha,
17:33Natasha happened
17:34to be in the same room.
17:35So,
17:37she's standing
17:38next to me
17:38and,
17:40and I'm changing
17:43Alexander
17:43and she says to me,
17:44Daddy,
17:44what's that?
17:45What's that?
17:48And,
17:48I'm going,
17:49Linda,
17:50what's that?
17:50What's that?
17:53And,
17:54neither of us knew
17:54what we should tell her
17:55to call it.
17:57Now,
17:58I'm wondering,
17:58how did we have a child
17:59in the first place?
18:00Then Linda comes up
18:07with a great idea.
18:08She says,
18:08why don't we just tell her
18:10what it is?
18:11And I said,
18:12wow,
18:12that's a great idea,
18:14honey.
18:15What is it?
18:17She said,
18:18you know what it is.
18:22I said,
18:22yes,
18:23you say it.
18:25She said,
18:26I'm not going to say it,
18:27you say it.
18:28I said,
18:29let's call Howard Stern.
18:31He'll say it.
18:41And then,
18:42and then,
18:43I said,
18:44Linda,
18:45let's just think about this.
18:46When you were a little girl
18:47and you asked your parents,
18:48what's that?
18:49What did they tell you?
18:50And she said,
18:51they told me,
18:52forget about it.
18:54Now,
18:55I'm laughing.
18:56And she's going,
18:57okay,
18:57Mr. Wise guy,
18:58what did your parents call?
19:00I said,
19:01zabudya betam.
19:03Which means,
19:04forget about it.
19:07In Russia,
19:08we had an old expression,
19:10show me your child
19:11and I'll tell you
19:12what you are.
19:13And,
19:14a good example of that
19:16is my,
19:17my wife's best girlfriend,
19:19Rusty.
19:19she has got
19:22a little son
19:23who is
19:23Natasha's age
19:25and I first time
19:27met Rusty
19:27and her son
19:28at the picnic
19:29by the lake in Oregon.
19:31And,
19:31Rusty is kind of
19:32a different woman.
19:34I didn't realize that.
19:35But,
19:35her son ran up to Natasha
19:37and first thing
19:38he wanted to do
19:39is to punch her
19:40in the face.
19:41And,
19:42I grabbed his little hand
19:43and Rusty comes over
19:45and says,
19:46I don't say
19:47to my child
19:48N-O.
19:50I said,
19:51really?
19:52Then,
19:52soon you'll be
19:53taking packages
19:54to J-A-I-L.
19:59And,
19:59I look at Rusty
20:01and she's tough.
20:02Tough lady
20:03and,
20:04and she is wearing
20:05this t-shirt
20:06that says,
20:07practice safe sex.
20:09Use a padded headboard.
20:13Linda introduces us
20:24and I said,
20:25it's very nice
20:25to meet you Rusty
20:26and she said,
20:28so you're that
20:29commie creep
20:30who stole
20:30my best friend.
20:33Now,
20:34I'm realizing
20:35this is my wife's
20:36best friend.
20:38So,
20:38I'm looking
20:38for something nice
20:40because my dad says,
20:42you have to
20:43look
20:44to see
20:44and I'm looking
20:45real hard
20:46but I feel
20:47like Ray Charles.
20:51And then,
20:52Rusty says,
20:53so Yak,
20:55all of a sudden
20:56I was downgraded
20:57from commie creep
20:58to farm animal
20:59from Yugoslavia.
21:01She points
21:02to the leg
21:03and says,
21:03Yak,
21:04are you man enough
21:05to go parasailing?
21:07And I'm thinking,
21:08I'm not sure about me
21:08but you are.
21:12And my wife said,
21:14I'd like to go parasailing.
21:15So,
21:17we're parasailing.
21:21And I went up there
21:22and I was pretty,
21:23pretty good.
21:24I did pretty good.
21:26I should have worn
21:27brown pants.
21:29It was my first time.
21:42I was okay.
21:43I came down
21:44and I was in one piece
21:46and I came over
21:47to Linda and Rusty
21:48and they're both smiling
21:49and Rusty said,
21:50you did pretty good.
21:52You should have worn
21:53brown pants.
21:57And to be fair,
21:59Linda has to put up
22:00with some of my friends
22:01and my parents.
22:03My,
22:04when I was invited
22:05to perform
22:06at the White House,
22:07by mistake,
22:08they called my dad.
22:10My dad does not
22:10speak good English.
22:11So,
22:12he called my wife,
22:14very upset.
22:15And he says to her,
22:16somebody called
22:17from Washington
22:18and they want
22:18Yakov to go there
22:20and perform
22:21in front of the bushes.
22:23He said,
22:36tell him that
22:36that will get him arrested.
22:40But you see,
22:41my parents came to America
22:42in their 60s.
22:44And in Russia,
22:47retirement age is 65
22:49and average lifespan
22:50is 62.
22:53So,
22:54when they came here,
22:55they really did not know
22:56what they're going
22:56to be doing
22:57in America.
22:58So,
22:58I'm very happy
22:59that now they got a job.
23:00They're actually managing
23:01an apartment building.
23:02And my mom
23:03is very good at this.
23:05I mean,
23:05she's in charge
23:06collecting rent money.
23:08And she came up
23:09with a great idea.
23:10She gives candy bars
23:11to children of tenants
23:13when they bring rent check.
23:15So,
23:17now,
23:18those children
23:19bug their parents
23:20for rent money.
23:24Some months,
23:25my mom receives
23:26two,
23:27three checks
23:27from each apartment.
23:30Another thing,
23:31my dad
23:32is a maintenance man
23:33and he
23:34feels that
23:35maintenance man
23:36needs to have
23:36a walkie-talkie.
23:38So,
23:38he didn't want
23:39to spend much money.
23:39he bought
23:40one of those
23:40baby crib monitors.
23:43And I gave him
23:45some of those
23:46nice walkie-talkies.
23:47I felt it was
23:47his dream.
23:48Why not have him?
23:50And he has
23:51nobody to talk to.
23:53My mom hates
23:54those things.
23:55My dad walks around
23:57all day going,
23:58Clara?
24:00Clara,
24:00come in.
24:02Roger.
24:04And my mom
24:05yells out the window,
24:06what?
24:07What do you want?
24:08And who is
24:10Roger?
24:15When we bought
24:15our house
24:16in Los Angeles,
24:17Linda and I,
24:19we bought
24:20a fixer-upper.
24:21Linda liked it
24:22because he didn't
24:23have a kitchen.
24:30And so,
24:31my dad said
24:32he's going to
24:32fix it up.
24:33So,
24:34I bought him
24:34some of his
24:34time-life books,
24:35how to fix things.
24:37He became
24:38like a real
24:38general contractor.
24:40First week,
24:40he didn't show up.
24:50Second week,
24:51he filed for
24:52workman's comp.
24:54So,
24:55I said,
24:56Dad,
24:57you know,
24:57don't worry.
24:58Linda,
24:58don't worry.
24:59I'll fix things up.
25:00And I'm not
25:01very handy.
25:01I'm standing
25:02there,
25:03and I got a can
25:05of paint,
25:05and I'm painting
25:06the house,
25:07and I'm sweating.
25:09And Linda walks
25:10up,
25:10and she said,
25:10why are you
25:11dressed like this?
25:12I said,
25:13well,
25:14on the can of
25:15paint,
25:15it says,
25:16for better results,
25:18put on two coats.
25:19And then my cousin
25:30was around,
25:31and he was
25:32visiting from Russia,
25:34and he wanted to help
25:36out to fix the house
25:38as well,
25:38and he wanted to fix
25:39the roof,
25:39and I said,
25:40I don't want you
25:41on the roof.
25:41And he said,
25:42no,
25:42I'll be very,
25:43very careful.
25:43Don't worry.
25:44I said,
25:44okay,
25:45on one condition,
25:45if you put a rope
25:46around your waist,
25:47and you throw it
25:47over the house,
25:48and you tie it
25:49to something solid
25:50in the ground
25:50so you don't fall.
25:52I come back,
25:52he's lying in the ground.
25:54I'm going,
25:55Yuri,
25:55didn't you do
25:56what I said?
25:57He said,
25:58yes,
25:58I did.
25:59I put a rope
26:00around my waist,
26:01I threw it
26:02over the house,
26:03I tied it
26:04to something solid
26:05in the ground,
26:06and you got in it
26:07and drove away.
26:14Then,
26:20about a week later,
26:22he's supposed
26:22to go back to Russia
26:23and he said to me,
26:24please,
26:25can I borrow your car?
26:27And I didn't want
26:27to give him a car,
26:28but then I figured,
26:29well,
26:29I felt guilty
26:30that he fell down.
26:31Fine.
26:32I said,
26:33don't be long.
26:33He comes back
26:34an hour later.
26:35He has this woman
26:36with him,
26:37who is obviously
26:38a woman of the evening
26:39or a lady of the sidewalk.
26:41And he,
26:45I said to him,
26:46Yuri,
26:46come here,
26:47come here.
26:48What is she doing here?
26:50And he said to me,
26:51I was driving
26:52on Sunset Boulevard
26:53and I stopped
26:54at the red light
26:55and she came
26:56to my car
26:57and she said,
26:58I'll do anything
26:59for $100.
27:02So I figured,
27:03let her fix the roof.
27:11So he put a rope
27:12around her waist
27:13and,
27:16some people just
27:19don't know
27:20how to do things
27:21at all,
27:22you know,
27:22it's just,
27:23it's amazing.
27:25I'm enjoying,
27:26I'm enjoying
27:27this American,
27:28oh.
27:28I guess tonight
27:43is a Cajun night.
27:54During this meltdown,
27:56if you,
27:56if you have any questions
27:57about myself,
27:58about Russia,
28:00anything you'd like to ask,
28:01feel free and ask me.
28:02I'll be very happy
28:03to answer.
28:04It's more fun this way.
28:05It's also exercising
28:06the freedom that you have,
28:07which is great.
28:08In Russia,
28:09now they also have
28:10freedom of speech,
28:10but here you have freedom
28:11after you speak.
28:14It's a nice little feature.
28:16So,
28:17do feel free
28:18and ask anything you'd like.
28:19I'll be happy to answer.
28:23Yes.
28:24Am I an American citizen?
28:26Yes, sir.
28:26Yes, sir.
28:27I am very proud
28:29to be an American.
28:30Thank you very much.
28:34I was sworn in
28:36at the Statue of Liberty
28:37ceremony,
28:37July 4th, 1986.
28:39It was
28:39the best moment
28:40of my life.
28:41Chief Justice
28:42Warren Burger
28:43was swearing us in
28:44and he said,
28:44my fellow Americans.
28:46And for the first time
28:47in my life,
28:48I'm realizing
28:48he's talking to me.
28:50And first thought
28:51from my mind
28:52as a new American
28:53was,
28:53I hate
28:54those foreigners.
29:05They come here
29:06and take our job.
29:07But I feel
29:12very fortunate
29:13to live in this country.
29:14I traveled around
29:16the world
29:16since I came to America
29:18and I learned
29:19something very interesting.
29:20You can go
29:21to another country.
29:22Let's say you go
29:22to Italy.
29:23You cannot become Italian.
29:25You can go to France.
29:26You cannot become
29:27a Frenchman.
29:28But you can come
29:29to America
29:30and become
29:32an American.
29:33And I want to
29:33thank you very much.
29:44What did I think
29:48of America
29:48when I first came?
29:50I love America
29:51from the beginning.
29:52I mean,
29:53Americans have things
29:54that we never had
29:55in Russia
29:56like warning shots.
30:00Those are great.
30:09In Russia,
30:10they didn't shoot
30:10up in the air.
30:11They would shoot you
30:12and that was warning
30:12for the next guy.
30:20Yes, ma'am.
30:23Is Yakov Smyrna
30:24my real name?
30:25No, ma'am.
30:25It used to be
30:26Jack Daniels.
30:30Yes, sir.
30:37I'm sorry.
30:40How did you learn
30:41to speak English?
30:43I watched TV
30:46for three months.
30:49And then I realized
30:50it was a Spanish station.
30:54It was a freaking anniversary.
30:56Every year,
30:57we dress up
30:58in our wedding outfits
30:59and we have some fun.
31:05I made this little video.
31:11On our first anniversary,
31:13we went skiing.
31:16Yeah, I look like
31:18a penguin, I guess.
31:21Well,
31:23this is an old
31:24Russian tradition.
31:25We kiss the snow
31:26before we ski on it.
31:27now it's much better.
31:36Now, last year,
31:38we renewed our vows
31:40at NASA.
31:41This marriage
31:56is just out
31:57of this world.
32:06Hi, I'm sorry,
32:07sir, over there.
32:07Could you go back
32:09to Russia
32:09and live now
32:10as a Russian?
32:12Could I go back
32:13to Russia
32:13and live now?
32:14What did I do
32:15to you?
32:26Yes.
32:29Was it hard
32:30to learn English?
32:31newspaper ads
32:32were so confusing?
32:33One said,
32:34learn to play guitar,
32:36no strings attached.
32:47I'm going,
32:48what a country!
32:50who is my favorite
32:59American comedian?
33:00I like,
33:00I like
33:01Bill Clinton.
33:09Yes, sir.
33:10I'm sorry?
33:14Where do I perform
33:15in Branson?
33:15I have a theater,
33:17I'm in the Osman
33:18Family Complex
33:18and I have a theater
33:20there and
33:21actually,
33:22being in Branson
33:23has been interesting.
33:25You know,
33:25people in Branson
33:26check your hearing
33:27constantly.
33:29They say,
33:30you come back,
33:31you hear.
33:31you drive
33:34carefully,
33:35you hear.
33:37Then I realized
33:39some of they
33:40don't see
33:41very well either.
33:42I walked
33:43in the restaurant
33:43by myself
33:44and the hostess
33:46said,
33:46hi y'all.
33:52And then she said,
33:53y'all now
33:54come back,
33:54you hear.
33:57I said,
33:58we didn't even
33:58leave yet.
34:01Then I had
34:03my meal
34:04and the waitress
34:06comes over
34:06and said,
34:06would you like
34:07some cheesecake?
34:08I said,
34:08I don't like cheesecake,
34:09do you have any jello?
34:10She said,
34:10oh yeah,
34:10plenty of jello.
34:11I have jello
34:12coming out of my ears.
34:18I said,
34:19I'll have cheesecake.
34:27But I'll tell you,
34:28now performing
34:29in Branson
34:30and doing shows
34:31there every day,
34:33I'm just enjoying
34:35this a lot.
34:36This has been
34:36a lot of fun.
34:37And my in-laws
34:40like Branson too.
34:42And I personally
34:44invited them
34:45to come visit.
34:51And they showed up,
34:53the whole family
34:53showed up.
34:54and my father-in-law
34:56decided to rent
34:57a houseboat
34:58for a family reunion.
35:00I've never seen
35:01a houseboat before.
35:02Doesn't look like
35:03floating tool shed.
35:08And my father-in-law
35:09is showing me
35:09the boat
35:10and there's only
35:10one room.
35:11And he said,
35:12this is where
35:12we're going to sleep.
35:14I said,
35:1512 people
35:15in one room?
35:16That's why
35:16I left Russia.
35:17And tell me
35:20if I'm wrong.
35:20When families
35:21get together,
35:22they regress
35:23in time.
35:24All of a sudden,
35:25all the rules
35:26come out.
35:26Like you're supposed
35:27to wear an orange
35:28life vest.
35:30In the bathing
35:30suits from the back
35:32we look like
35:32half-naked
35:33highway workers.
35:34And then
35:37my father-in-law
35:38gave each person
35:39one styrofoam cup
35:41for the whole trip.
35:44And he puts names
35:46on those cups.
35:48Not real names.
35:49The ones he feared
35:50are appropriate.
35:52Like Linda says,
35:53Lindsay and her sister
35:54said,
35:54Pinky.
35:55Mine said,
35:56Intruder from the outside.
35:59I assumed it was mine.
36:02I didn't see
36:03Ross Perot anywhere.
36:04So,
36:07then,
36:08I'm realizing
36:09that I see my wife
36:10in a completely
36:11different light.
36:12She's doing things
36:13I've never seen her
36:13do before.
36:14Like cook.
36:16And I said
36:18to my father-in-law,
36:18How did you get her
36:19to cook?
36:20And he said,
36:20Well,
36:21if she doesn't,
36:21I'll tell everybody
36:22a story when she
36:23wet her pants
36:24in Disneyland.
36:26I said,
36:27Oh, come on.
36:27Children do that.
36:28He said,
36:28She was 19.
36:32I said,
36:32Tell me a couple
36:33more of those stories.
36:35He said,
36:36I'll tell you
36:36those stories
36:37when we go camping.
36:39We're going to go
36:39rough it.
36:40We're going to sleep
36:41in the woods.
36:42I said,
36:43Isn't it kind of dangerous?
36:44He said,
36:45Not if you have
36:46one of these.
36:47And he shows me
36:48a Swiss army knife.
36:51That thing has
36:52magnifying glass
36:54and clippers.
36:56When I'm in the woods,
36:57I don't want to see
36:58Bear this close.
37:01And I don't want
37:02to do his nails.
37:05And then,
37:06my father-in-law
37:07gives me a shovel.
37:08And he said,
37:09This is what we're
37:10going to use
37:10when we go
37:11to the bathroom.
37:11I'm thinking,
37:19If this is
37:20instead of
37:20toilet paper,
37:22even for
37:26Russian standards,
37:27that's roughing it.
37:32And we're sitting
37:34by the fire
37:36in the woods.
37:38And my father-in-law
37:39says to me,
37:40Yakov,
37:41let me tell you
37:42something.
37:43Enjoy your children
37:44now.
37:46Because now,
37:47they think
37:47you're great.
37:49A couple years
37:49from now,
37:50they'll think
37:50you're a real geek.
37:53I said,
37:54How do you know that?
37:55He said,
37:55Because I'm
37:55going to tell them.
37:58Wow.
38:03And then,
38:03he said to me,
38:04So now,
38:05there's no more
38:05communist party
38:06in Russia.
38:07What are you
38:07going to joke about?
38:09I said,
38:10Don't worry.
38:14Who needs KGB
38:15when you have
38:16in-laws?
38:27And I'll tell you,
38:29this has been
38:29so much fun.
38:30By moving from
38:31Los Angeles,
38:32away from LA,
38:33it's great.
38:33I mean,
38:34there's four seasons
38:35in Branson.
38:35I mean,
38:37it's fun.
38:38You know,
38:38Linda likes
38:39to go skiing.
38:40And I'm not
38:41a good skier.
38:42I'm not a bad skier.
38:43I just never
38:43skied before.
38:46And she wanted
38:48to go skiing.
38:49And we were
38:50getting skis,
38:51and they asked me,
38:52What's your height?
38:52What's your weight?
38:53I'm thinking,
38:54they're building
38:54a box for me already.
38:58But in Russia,
39:00men were trained
39:01never to admit
39:02that they don't know
39:03how to do something
39:04that women can do.
39:06So I'm trying
39:07to get away with it.
39:08And I'm doing okay
39:10until I was supposed
39:11to get off the lift.
39:13Took me three times
39:15to get off the lift.
39:17Then I fell off.
39:18And instead of saying,
39:21Honey, I'm sorry,
39:21I don't know
39:22how to ski,
39:23I said,
39:24and I heard myself
39:25say this,
39:26I said,
39:27Oh, in Russia,
39:28we didn't use a lift.
39:33No,
39:34they brought me up
39:35on a helicopter.
39:38She goes,
39:39Okay, Mr. Skier,
39:40you want to go higher?
39:41I said,
39:42Sure.
39:44We went higher.
39:45When we got off
39:46that next lift,
39:47the only one there
39:48was St. Bernard
39:49with a nosebleed.
39:52And Linda said,
39:53You want to go down together?
39:54I said,
39:54No, no, no.
39:55No, where I come from,
39:56we give women a head start.
39:59She said,
40:00Okay, Mr. Skier,
40:01I'll see you down there.
40:02And I'm thinking,
40:03Yes, you will.
40:05Sooner than you think.
40:08She went down.
40:09And I'm now standing
40:11on this cliff.
40:13And all I can see
40:15in my mind
40:15is that opening
40:17of ABC Sports
40:18and the agony
40:24of defeat.
40:26And he was
40:27a better skier.
40:30So,
40:31I'm standing there
40:32and I'm nervous
40:33and now I have
40:34this nervous laugh.
40:35Now,
40:35my laugh,
40:35as you heard,
40:36is a little different.
40:37You know,
40:37it's like,
40:38When I'm nervous,
40:40it's loud
40:40and obnoxious
40:41and I can't stop it.
40:42And I'm going,
40:43I'm standing there
40:44going,
40:44All of a sudden,
40:47I'm realizing
40:47it sounds like
40:48moosh mating call.
40:54Do you know
40:54how I figure that out?
40:56I'm standing there
41:03going,
41:04And I hear
41:06behind me,
41:07Now I'm afraid
41:14to fall down.
41:20Half hour later,
41:22ski patrol comes up
41:23and the guy
41:24looks at me
41:25and says,
41:25You must be
41:26Mr. Skier.
41:29They took away
41:29my skis,
41:30my poles,
41:30they put me
41:31in a body bag.
41:33It's very embarrassing
41:34to be in a body bag
41:34when you're not dead.
41:37They dragged me
41:38all the way
41:39back to the
41:39base of the mountain
41:41and I hit
41:42every bump
41:42on the way.
41:43And I'm thinking,
41:44I'll never lie
41:45to my wife again.
41:47And I'm sitting
41:48in the lodge
41:48and I'm drinking
41:49hot coke
41:50and Linda walks in
41:51and she said,
41:51So how was your run,
41:52Mr. Skier?
41:55I said,
41:55I can do it
41:56lying down.
41:56I didn't like to her.
42:11But it's just communication.
42:13That's all it is.
42:14You know,
42:15I'm learning
42:16to communicate.
42:17The other day
42:18we were sitting,
42:19Linda and I
42:19discussing family planning
42:21and Linda said,
42:23Yaakov,
42:24you know,
42:24one of us
42:25should consider
42:25having a vasectomy.
42:36I knew
42:37who the one was.
42:39I didn't know
42:40what a vasectomy was.
42:42I looked it up,
42:43scared me to death.
42:44You know
42:46what it entails?
42:47Two things.
42:49One,
42:49very sharp.
42:51The other one
42:52is mine.
42:55I don't even
42:56trim my beard
42:57when I'm naked.
43:05I called the doctor.
43:07I called the doctor
43:08the next day
43:08and I was in panic
43:10and he said to me,
43:11Listen, listen,
43:11look at the bright side.
43:12if you have a vasectomy
43:14you can be intimate
43:15with your wife
43:16every day.
43:20I said,
43:21Doctor,
43:21can you put that
43:22in writing?
43:28Honey,
43:28I'm not being pushy.
43:29I have a prescription.
43:30It's time
43:42for the refill.
43:47And I'll tell you
43:48why I would like
43:49to have a big family.
43:51I believe
43:51there are children
43:52put on this planet
43:53to teach you something
43:55that no one else can.
43:57That unconditional love.
43:58when your child
44:00comes over
44:00and hugs you,
44:01so what
44:02if ten minutes ago
44:03she shaved a cat?
44:06It was ugly anyway.
44:09And it's not our cat.
44:12It's Rusty's cat.
44:14going through all
44:25these experiences
44:26made me realize
44:28something
44:29very important,
44:31I think,
44:32that
44:32when I look at someone
44:34or something
44:35I need to take my time
44:37to see.
44:39Just like what my dad
44:40said about the stars
44:41at night.
44:42When I first looked
44:44at my in-laws,
44:45I looked at them
44:46as people
44:48who will never
44:48accept me.
44:50And what I see now
44:51is sincere
44:53Americans
44:54who are trying
44:55to be accepted
44:55themselves.
44:57I looked at
44:58my newborn children
45:00as helpless babies
45:02and what I see
45:03now
45:03are curious
45:04kids
45:05who are going
45:06to help me grow.
45:08I looked at Rusty
45:09as obnoxious,
45:14abrasive person
45:15and what I see
45:15now
45:16is loyal
45:17and compassionate
45:18friend to my wife.
45:20But when I came
45:21to this country
45:22I didn't have
45:24to look far
45:25to see
45:26the American dream.
45:28And just like
45:29the stars
45:30it's always
45:31there.
45:32Thank you very much.
45:33Thank you very much.
45:34Thank you very much.
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