- yesterday
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00:00DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM
00:02DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM!
00:04DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM!
00:08LOOK, DUM lihat, DUM DUM DABED.
00:11DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM produces outlined.
00:13Sorry, D wood i just wanna, halt i think i might touch the Willy.
00:19Oh. Hey. It must happen to see if you could join us
00:25Yeah... I trust, er, she won't be.
00:28I dropped off at the store myself. Told her I had a hot date.
00:32But considering that you have asked me to lie to my best friend,
00:35I'd quite like to know what all this is about.
00:36Yeah, if this was a Hunger Games-type situation,
00:39I'm going to need five minutes to limber up.
00:41Well, whatever this is, I think it's nice.
00:45We never go out for drinks altogether.
00:47Oh, I know. Let's play Shag, Marry, Kill.
00:50OK, I'll go first. Don't slut-shame me, Simon.
00:54I'd marry the yellow M&M, kill the red M&M, and probably Shagam.
00:57Shagam in straw.
01:00We'll just have half-pint next time.
01:02Actually, Simon, in this context,
01:04Pellock's anti-discrimination policy would advise that you
01:06avoid phrases like half, or half-pint, or pint-size,
01:12given the obvious reference to Millie Stutcher.
01:15Exactly. Wait, what?
01:17Members of the Pellock's family, I would like to introduce to you
01:20my... my wife, Mrs. Frieda Hyman, who works as an HR rep.
01:26Wrong on both counts, as usual.
01:28I am head of HR, and it's Ms. Frieda Hyman.
01:33We're separated.
01:34I find it hard to let go.
01:36Well, you let yourself go pretty hard, so...
01:40Well, yeah, I can... I can still change.
01:42Yeah.
01:43I can still change.
01:44Yeah.
01:44I can still change.
01:46Yeah, but you'll always be a pain in my arse.
01:49And not in a good way.
01:51This guy, not exactly the adventurous type.
01:56This chick knows what I mean.
01:57Sorry.
02:01Many of you have raised concerns following the hiring
02:06and subsequent behaviour of a member of staff
02:10who legally we can't name.
02:13It's Olivia.
02:14Olivia, what the mother of my child is here to do
02:17is to listen to your concerns
02:20so that Pellock's can make a fair assessment
02:22over the continued employment of Olivia at the branch.
02:27Wait, what?
02:28Actually, it's not quite that simple.
02:30Given Olivia's transgender situation,
02:35Pellock's would like to minimise any potential blowback
02:39by determining whether Olivia is, in fact, the issue
02:43or whether her behaviour is a symptom of a much larger problem
02:48with the way the store is being managed.
02:52The way the store's being managed?
02:53But I'm the manager of the store.
02:56Well, maybe you should just take this up.
02:57Take this up with your HR representative.
03:00Oh, wait, that's me.
03:01Yeah, yeah, yeah.
03:02Yes, yes, poor man's Macaulay Culkin.
03:04Oh, thank you.
03:06Agenté, as the French say.
03:08I'm obviously not French.
03:09Just a little bit familiar with the parlance,
03:12which is French as well, actually.
03:14Hey, just keeping your pants, yeah.
03:15Yeah, sorry.
03:17I was just going to say that, you know,
03:19if we're going to be putting Liz on trial,
03:20then I think she should face her accusers
03:23and I vote that we do that back in the store.
03:25I absolutely agree.
03:26Yeah?
03:26I mean, that is a very managerial observation.
03:32Oh.
03:34Merci.
03:34Thanks.
03:35You're banging my wife, pretty boy.
03:36I'm not.
03:37It's rapport.
03:38You're booking that thing.
03:40Could I also ask why I've had to leave our daughter
03:42with a babysitter?
03:43Because you chose to host this HR round table
03:46in a pub in the middle of the night.
03:49Let me call her time.
03:50What's happened is a lot of my night shifters
03:52tend to sleep throughout the day, so...
03:54I like drifting off to the majesty of morning birdsong.
03:58Yeah.
04:00Look, even if this wasn't a total miscarriage
04:03of Liv's employee rights,
04:05she's going to get bored and act out
04:06if we leave her too long on her own.
04:07Let alone what happens if she gets wet
04:09and eats after midnight.
04:10It's fine.
04:11How much trouble can she possibly get into on her own?
04:16Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
04:20Can't believe that music.
04:21Nine boxes of eggs.
04:22Drop the milk chocolate
04:36and take three steps back.
04:41Now take two steps to the right
04:43and grab the caramel nut instead
04:45because it is the far superior chocolate bar.
04:47Pro tip.
05:06If you're going to rob a supermarket,
05:08get in and get out
05:09before we lock up for the night.
05:11My dad owes this store.
05:12I'll tell him to fire you.
05:13Oh, shit.
05:15You're Simon's kid.
05:15Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
05:17I didn't realise...
05:18Oh, wait, I just realised
05:19that threat means nothing to me
05:20because your father is a spineless yoghurt man.
05:22So, what, are you going to hold me hostage?
05:24Trust me, that's not a situation
05:25any transgender woman wants to find herself in.
05:28Do you know what they do to women like me in prison?
05:30Nothing.
05:31Because they're too busy trying to figure out
05:32which prison to put me in.
05:34Either way, your dad and everybody else
05:36left me on my own all night
05:37and buggered off
05:38and I don't feel like babysitting you
05:39till he gets back.
05:40And what if I decide
05:49that I'm not going to leave?
05:52And there's five more bags
05:53where that came from
05:54which is actually a pretty good saving
05:55if you ask me.
05:58Fine.
05:58What's a 12-year-old doing robbing a supermarket?
06:09What's a 40-year-old doing working at a supermarket?
06:11How do you know I'm not 25?
06:13How do you know I'm not 104?
06:15Call your dad.
06:17My parents are getting divorced.
06:19I live with my mum.
06:20So call your mum.
06:23There.
06:24I sent her a WhatsApp.
06:25Great.
06:26I'll go make us a ham sandwich.
06:27Oh, God, you sound just like my dad.
06:30A little bit transphobic.
06:32He spent all his money on divorce lawyers.
06:35I see him once a week for dinner
06:36and he reckons that the ham sandwich
06:37is the delicacy of the divorcee.
06:42Okay.
06:44When I was, like, nine, ten years old,
06:47I had a shiny Charizard Pokemon card.
06:52And I loved it so much.
06:54It was my favourite thing in the world
06:55and I lost it.
06:56And it broke my little heart.
06:59And I know that's not exactly what you're going through,
07:02but what you were talking about was so boring.
07:06You have access to an entire supermarket
07:08and you just offered me some ham
07:10between two slices of bread.
07:11What do you have in mind?
07:13Have you ever made an everything sandwich?
07:15Who here has been negatively impacted by Olivia's actions?
07:22Two.
07:23Good.
07:24Good.
07:26Who here thinks that the management style at this store
07:29leaves something to be desired?
07:32Millie, why don't you explain to everyone
07:42just how Olivia has terrorised your work life?
07:45Well, I mean...
07:47I'm sure we've all got a million little quickfire memories like that,
08:01but it feels cheap to do.
08:02Everybody's one by one just a bad help of time.
08:05Linda, how about you?
08:07Everyone calls me Beefy.
08:09Once again, that is a prime example of body shaming.
08:12Linda should not be subjected to nicknames like Beefy
08:16just because her upper torso is a little stockier than the average woman.
08:19Let me...
08:20Look, I've got this one.
08:22We actually call her Beefy because she works on the meat counter.
08:26Didn't we, Big Beef?
08:29Linda, it says here you requested a medical assessment in March
08:31and Simon denied you that time off.
08:34Doctor says I might be hyperactive.
08:36And yet on the very same day,
08:38Olivia asked Simon if she could leave early for an ultrasound appointment
08:41to, quote, find out the sex of her baby,
08:44despite the fact that Olivia is a transgender woman.
08:46In my defence, Olivia did later explain to me
08:49that she liked the feeling of the jelly on her belly.
08:54Where...where is Thomas?
08:57He's been gone a while, hasn't he?
08:58Come on, come on, come on, come on.
09:01Liv, pick up your Babadook.
09:07OK, now, with structural integrity in mind,
09:10I think we have to make a decision now
09:12whether each colour of wine gum counts as its own layer of sandwich.
09:15Didn't realise we were building a monument to compromise.
09:18It's an everything sandwich.
09:19You know the clues in the name?
09:21Of course, each colour gets its own layer.
09:23So, no more.
09:25My mum and dad would never make time to do this with me.
09:28Dad might, if mum would let him.
09:30I just wish he'd stand up for himself sometimes.
09:33Yeah.
09:33Bet you've got loads of kids by now.
09:35I'm 30!
09:36I'm not the old woman that lived in a shoe.
09:38Have you thought about having them?
09:39Well, I did freeze my sperm once,
09:42but then my flatmate said I had to take it out to make room for the oven chips.
09:45Selfish.
09:47Oven chips.
09:49Completely forgot about the oven chips.
09:52Leave the message after the beep.
09:54Or don't.
09:55Do what you like.
09:55I'm not your mum.
09:56Liv, call me back.
09:57Pellocks have brought in a ringer to figure out how to fire you.
10:00Simon's on the ropes and, for once,
10:01I don't think your charming cockney schtick is going to save you.
10:04Girlfriend.
10:05Oh, Miss Simon.
10:06I was just, er, I was talking to my dead dog.
10:09Who died.
10:10Oh.
10:11Real, real sad stuff.
10:12Aw.
10:13Listen, Dr. Doolittle.
10:16What if I told you there was a way to protect your friend
10:19and give you a leg up on the corporate ladder?
10:23Oh.
10:23Well, I mean, I'd probably say tell me more.
10:26Not in an aggressive way.
10:27I'd obviously ask you to continue explaining.
10:29Shh.
10:30Look, I'm not going to be the head of HR
10:32that fires a transgender employee.
10:36Yeah.
10:36I mean, that's like popping a balloon full of piss.
10:38Ugh.
10:39But neither can I be seen advocating
10:41for the termination of my soon-to-be ex-husband.
10:44But one strongly worded letter of condemnation
10:49from the assistant manager of the branch.
10:54Now, that, that is a different story.
10:58Yeah.
10:58Yeah.
11:00But...
11:00You're a leader.
11:01Am I?
11:02Yeah.
11:03Sign me out the picture.
11:04You could run the store and keep Olivia under control.
11:07Yeah.
11:07You get the manager's chair, I get that snivelling cock-waffle of husband out of my life.
11:14God.
11:15Change of plan.
11:16Woo!
11:17You were right, Thomas.
11:20Since it seems my wife is hell-bent on poisoning my staff against me,
11:25I think we could all do with a little refresher.
11:27I don't know how much of a nightmare Olivia can be in person, yeah?
11:31Yeah.
11:34Yes, thanks for coming.
11:36Copy that.
11:37I don't think I've had a conversation this long with either of my parents in, like, a year.
11:52I miss my dad.
12:07OK.
12:12What's one thing that you wish that you could talk to your parents about?
12:15Ignore my haircut.
12:16I'm actually really smart.
12:19What do you know about tampons?
12:20Don't let boys pressure you into not using them.
12:25Boom.
12:25Parental advice.
12:26I think that's condoms.
12:28Yeah.
12:28Here's the interesting thing.
12:30You never actually texted your mum.
12:31They've done studies on separating gen alphas from their phones, you know.
12:34One man even lost a finger.
12:36So I suggest you give it back.
12:37Oh, no.
12:37What are you going to do?
12:38Fortnite me to death?
12:40Why didn't you text her?
12:41I didn't want to go home to an empty house.
12:45Everything's changed since the D word.
12:47Oh, OK.
12:49You mean divorce?
12:50Yes.
12:51Oh, good.
12:52Just because, yeah.
12:56Do you think it's too late for them to change their minds?
12:58Trust me.
13:00It's really never too late to change anything.
13:04Is that someone trying to break in?
13:06What do we do?
13:07Oh, well, that depends.
13:09Are you familiar with a charming little early 90s Christmas classic by the name of Home Alone?
13:14Oh, my fucking fuck.
13:22That usually does it.
13:23These old bloody doors are tricky.
13:25I've heard they sometimes open if you remember to bring the fucking key.
13:29So, Thomas, I thought I knew more about stepping into Simon's shoes.
13:33Imagine.
13:34Me and you.
13:35Oh, Mr. Rice.
13:37Office romance with a colleague.
13:39I've to flag that up to your HR representative.
13:42Oh, wait.
13:43That's me.
13:43Carry on.
13:44Click.
13:45Yeah.
13:45Simon, maybe I could pop round and see if there's a way in through the back.
13:50Oh, don't threaten me with a good time.
13:53Get your own man, you lanky prick.
13:55Actually, as branch manager, I say we're going through the front.
13:58I appreciate that's not as trendy these days, but there is a time and a place for backdoor shenanigans,
14:03and that's once a month during your lady time and perhaps on your birthday.
14:09What are you going to do, Thomas?
14:11Probably the front door option.
14:13Oh, my God.
14:43Yay.
14:49So strong.
14:50Get in.
14:50Yeah, all right.
14:57Well, well, well.
14:59Now I can see why you didn't want to have the meeting here.
15:02Although, I can't say I'm surprised.
15:04What else would you expect from a store managed by a spineless, snivelling, soul-sucking, uncultured,
15:12flatulent, real-world inspiration for Mr Potato Head?
15:16What are you all staring at?
15:22Oh.
15:22Well, well, well, well.
15:40It's safe to say that this is the biggest HR clusterfuck since Judas Iscariot walked up to Jesus after the Last Supper
15:47and planted a big old woman on his cheek.
15:51You are supposed to be at home with a babysitter.
15:54What's the point in you getting custody if you're never home?
15:56You want to not belittle me within the walls of a Pelex supermarket?
16:00Maybe in a Pelex Express or one of those silly little ones in the petrol stations, but never in a full-size unit!
16:04How could you trust our daughter in the care of this lunatic?
16:12OK, all right, let's just have a breath, shall we?
16:16Well, I know Liv's not perfect, but if we had been burglars, she kept our daughter safe.
16:21You know, she's certainly not Florence Nightingale, but Olivia is a good person.
16:26Yeah!
16:27I mean, no, obviously I'm a terrible human being, but let the man finish!
16:31Shh! I think, er, Deputy Manager Thomas has something he'd like to share.
16:39Tell them what you told me earlier about Simon not being fit to run this store.
16:45Just do what you've got to do, huh?
16:46You know what, Frida? No.
17:02No!
17:03Simon's my boss and where he goes, I follow.
17:06Stand down, Thomas.
17:08Yes, sir.
17:09You stupid blonde bitch.
17:14Bitch.
17:14You'll throw away the opportunity of a lifetime for this sackless testicle with library card debts.
17:21Shush.
17:22I've had enough.
17:25I can take you belittling my vocation.
17:28I can even take you massively downplaying my sexual prowess.
17:33I can even take you sniffing around my deputy manager's ding-dong like a protein-deficient coyote.
17:39But what I can't stand is you questioning the loyalty of my team.
17:45Yes!
17:46I've made some mistakes.
17:47I've made some big bloody mistakes.
17:49Oh, look at that.
17:52Hey, you're the biggest mistake I ever fucking made.
17:55Thank you very much.
17:56But you know what?
17:57When you start a family, you stick with it.
17:59I have already lost one family, and I am not going to lose another one.
18:05So, here's my idea.
18:09Seeing as you're such a fan of backdoor intimacy, why don't you take a hedgehog, stick it inside another hedgehog,
18:16then take that second bewildered hedgehog and shove it up your slack, dusty arsehole.
18:27Denim.
18:27Go and wait in the key of Picanto.
18:32I'm sorry you heard that about Mummy Bear's Peggy Bomber.
18:37Go.
18:37Go.
18:50Well, I hope you're very happy together.
18:53You and your brain-dead little family of shop-damaged cum-cots.
18:59And do you know what?
19:01So what?
19:02So what?
19:04If I did want to grind out a little sexual frustration with this random six out of ten.
19:10Happy to be in the mix.
19:11Alcoholic.
19:13Alcoholic.
19:15Dead eyes of a shark.
19:19Dormat.
19:20Adam's apple like a boxing glove.
19:25Minge teeth.
19:26To be fair, that last bit could have been a lot more offensive.
19:33Well, it's not like you don't deserve it.
19:36What you lot did tonight.
19:40Meeting about me behind my back.
19:41I thought we were a family.
19:48What sort of family turns on one of their own?
19:53I don't know how I'm supposed to look at any of you the same way ever again.
19:56I don't know how I'm supposed to look at any of you.
20:26I don't know how I'm supposed to look at any of you.
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