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Rapid Reel
#CinemaJourney
Transcript
00:00Cat Lady loves playing with string.
00:08Meow.
00:14Yikes. What a mess.
00:16Time to scoop the station's litter box.
00:22So many toys to play with.
00:24It's like catnip.
00:26Gosh, am I just IDK, laying on the cat stuff too thick?
00:29No, Jenna. No. Stop it.
00:31You're the cat lady.
00:32It would be weird if you didn't act like a cat.
00:34Though giving myself a tongue bath was a bit much.
00:40This is good.
00:42Dog person.
00:59Listen up. The only thing more embarrassing than the police station being a crime scene is how dirty this evidence locker is.
01:11So we ain't leaving until it's clean.
01:13Well, let's hurry this up. It's ladies night at JNCOs, and you know what that means.
01:16Summers, activate free drink robot boobs.
01:18Hey, my eyes are up here. But also down here. My nipples are body cams.
01:25Can't make it tonight. I've got a hot date with some socks that need ironing. I'd shine them if that were possible.
01:31Winona, you coming to ladies night?
01:34With the things I've done, I'm not sure I qualify as a lady.
01:38Robot need love. Come closer.
01:41We've got to do something about the fungus monster. Maybe we should poison it.
01:46Mary Elizabeth, Master Antonio. Is that what I think it is?
01:49Indeed.
01:50Also, hi. Gather round my impeccably diverse group of friends as I tell you a one-act tale of how I helped Flute discover his crime mind.
02:01Between stints as a middle school teacher and criminal mastermind, I briefly moonlit as the headmaster of a training program for the best of the elite of the crime.
02:10Delacrimmiest of detectives in training.
02:13Welcome to Top Dick!
02:15Which I cannot stress enough as a perfectly acceptable word for me to use in this context.
02:20The competition is on to see who amongst you is the best detective here. May the best man!
02:26Or only woman!
02:27Win.
02:29Good luck, Ice Queen. But I'm winning this. I come from a long line of men who have taken Top Dick.
02:34Really, Maverick? You strike me more as a bottom.
02:37I'd strike your bottom, but I can't bend down that far.
02:40Hey, that's my partner! You can't talk to a woman like that!
02:43Actually, I can. Because it's 2003 where this kind of sexist banter was allowed and often high-fived. Up top!
02:49Opened out of your discretion.
02:50High-fived.
02:53Clfluous-
02:58By the power vested in me by the state of wherever we are. I will avenge you. Good night, sweet Prince.
03:17Sweet Prince
03:20Why duck why I can only assume it was because you didn't listen to me. Had you done so you certainly wouldn't be dead
03:26So this is all
03:35Bet I know the last thing that this guy saw
03:42This big is like Nick Cage's IMDB page the further up your luck
03:47The messier things get
03:52To have any chance of winning Flute and his wingman goose
03:56I mean duck needed to ace the sexy bully ball competition that fate like my fellow teachers when I suggest we get fondue
04:05Had other plans
04:17Oh
04:20Talk to me duck
04:23Why didn't you duck when I said duck duck is it because you thought I was saying your name when I was actually using the verb form of the word duck because that
04:31Mean this is all
04:33My fault
04:36Can I use this one for the dead partner competition
04:38you're too late I quit turned in my badge a good detective never lets his partner die perhaps you
04:47Didn't let him die perhaps
04:50He was murdered, but there was no evidence of murder you may very well be top dick
04:55But how will anyone see it when you hide behind evidence and rules and freshly ironed trousers
05:01Allow me inside and I can help you grow beyond your wildest dreams by embracing the chaos that lies in the deepest darkest corners of your mind
05:11You mean the part of my brain where I keep the memory of my best friend Eli teaching me how to masturbate on the safety patrol trip to D.C.
05:20Um I want to hear about that I do I really really do that comes me that's what Eli said
05:28The best detectives are able to access something. I call the subconscious clue detecting neural framework or
05:34Skidniff too many words for me. What about crime mind? Yeah, whatever drink this to relax pass
05:42I don't drink alcohol and you'll never be a great detective or accepted socially. I guess one drink can't hurt
05:53You must look beyond the clues preferably through a pop culture lens
05:58Hollywood deserted beach finds the connection and you will find duck's killer
06:04Please you have to help me, but I need to solve duck's murder
06:11Oh dear god, it's him. He wants to put a wig on me and do unspeakable things, but he's our generation's finest actor and SNL host
06:18Yes, but when we're alone out here. He fills me with his poison
06:24you oh
06:26Oh poison
06:29Oh God, he's coming. Oh
06:31Hey there friend. Did you see a little sex ball rolling around here about ankle high straw hair got a butt you could bounce a coconut off of
06:42National treasure Tom Hanks may have been intimate with a sports ball. Hmm still makes more sense than cloud Atlas
06:48Connect the dots make sense of the senseless
06:53poison
06:55duck
06:57motive
06:58murder
06:59murder
07:00whiskey
07:02whiskey
07:03neat make it a double
07:05cool
07:07as the winner
07:08it's an honor to prove that chicks can also be dicks not so fast
07:12duck wasn't killed by the impact of the volleyball
07:15it was the poison your partner put inside it to prevent me from taking the prize
07:19I only did it to protect our lead
07:21I only did it to protect our lead but how did you know a weird old man in a far too small small white towel taught me that things aren't always as they
07:26scream
07:28scream
07:36now that I have molded fruit into my perfect nemesis
07:39a little game of cat and mouse was about to dot dot dot dot begin and I knew the perfect way to celebrate
07:46and I knew the perfect way to celebrate
07:48hi
07:49I'm looking for Eli
07:50Eli
07:58perhaps we shouldn't be using the fungus monster at the garbage disposal
08:01He's getting positively musky and in size.
08:04Elon Musk isn't fat. He just has a Pixar mom's ass.
08:07Hold on. Now this brings back memories.
08:10Time to tell the tale of why I first left Grimsburg.
08:13Another story about you?
08:14Are there any other kind?
08:16The you was years ago.
08:18I was crushing it as a detective with my crime mind.
08:20But I was about to lose my regular mind.
08:22I had hit the middle age trifecta.
08:24Got married. Got a kid. Got divorced.
08:26With Harmony and her kid out of the way,
08:31I could finally focus on my one true love.
08:33Hiding from my problems to work.
08:35Got him!
08:36That's 50 busts this week.
08:38What do you need me to solve next, Kang?
08:40Unless you want to start murdering people and lying to yourself about it,
08:43there are no more cases. You solve them all.
08:45What? There has to be more. Crime never stops.
08:48Just like sharks and emails from Costco.
08:50Maybe try solving what's going on with you, Flute.
08:52Spend time with your son. Or sunbathing.
08:55Or bathing. Anything regarding hygiene, really.
09:00I had no problem taking a break from crime.
09:02But I wouldn't let one pass me by if I saw it.
09:07Hey, we don't take too kindly to drifters in this town.
09:10If I were you, I'd turn around, Tom Petty.
09:14Wait, Tom Petty? I'm a huge fan.
09:17I lost my virginity to your music. And my car keys.
09:20I think you're confused, officer.
09:22Then why did you look up when I said your name?
09:24Because I thought you said Tim, Petty. Which is my very real name.
09:29Uh-huh. And what's in your bag, Tim?
09:31This? This is just some guitar-shaped groceries.
09:34Now if you'll excuse me...
09:36Look, I've had a real rough go of it lately, and your music saved me before.
09:40Maybe you've got a song that could help.
09:42Preferably a classic, and not a new one I can't hum along to.
09:45I'm not who you think I am.
09:48Then let's go down to the station and let your fingerprints prove it.
09:51You do that, and you're drawing first blood. That's a war you don't want.
09:55Why's that? Because you won't back down?
09:58No, I won't back down.
10:00So you'll stand your ground?
10:02I won't be turned around.
10:05Yeah, baby!
10:07What?
10:08What?
10:09Book this man on two counts of telling me he's not Tom Petty.
10:12I'm not.
10:13Make it three counts.
10:14That's not a punishable offense.
10:16Flute, you can't keep hiding in your work like a woman in a Hallmark movie.
10:20It's not him.
10:21How do you know?
10:22Because he passed away two weeks ago.
10:24What?
10:25But that's impossible.
10:26He's right...
10:27There.
10:30You're making a case where there's not one.
10:32Let it go.
10:33When my wife told me it was over, I didn't fight it.
10:35When you told me to take some time off, I did as told.
10:37And when my doctor told me it was actually my accountant, I accepted it and put my clothes back on.
10:41But I'm done letting things go.
10:43Tom Petty is alive and I won't stop until I prove it.
10:46Cue montage!
11:11No!
11:12No!
11:13No!
11:14No!
11:15No!
11:16No!
11:17You don't know how he's been.
11:18All right.
11:19How was it?
11:20No!
11:21What were you doing?
11:22Yeah!
11:23I know he's in the game!
11:24He was busy.
11:25No!
11:26He's running.
11:27No!
11:28No!
11:29No!
11:30It's just not him!
11:31No!
11:32Nope!
11:33Let's get home!
11:34It's mine!
11:35No!
11:36Oh!
11:37No!
11:38Damn you, Tom Petty.
11:44Damn you and your torpedoes!
11:49Petty may have gone absolutely goblet mode on us, but he's about to break.
11:54I can feel it.
11:55You don't know how it feels.
11:57If that's who you say he is, then you're dealing with the first ballot rock and roll hall of famer.
12:03Those words are nothing to a man who spent half his life on a tour bus.
12:07You can't save him.
12:08Oh, I didn't come here to rescue him from you.
12:11I came here to rescue you from Tom Petty.
12:14He's from Florida.
12:16As much as I'd love to see you die, I don't mess with Florida.
12:19He's coming for revenge.
12:21Try not to bleed out my office.
12:29Before you kill me, can you tell me one thing?
12:32Am I playing this right?
12:35Ugh, just give me that.
12:37You're so bad.
12:39Have you ever changed these strings?
12:40Just admit who you are.
12:42Why do you care?
12:43Because I need to know.
12:44Seems like the guy who wrote the song, I Need to Know, should know that.
12:47And what if I am who you think I am?
12:49How does that help anything?
12:51Because if you're still alive, that means anything can come back.
12:54Anything.
12:55You're running down a dream.
12:57One that never will come to you.
12:59So you're working on a mystery.
13:01All these mysteries going wherever they lead.
13:04But at the end of the day...
13:06I'm running down a dream.
13:08You're right.
13:08I don't know what I'm doing lately.
13:11You got any other songs that might help?
13:13Time to move on.
13:14Into the great wide open.
13:16Learning to fly is always an option.
13:17I think I'll just go with Breakdown.
13:20What are you going to do now?
13:21While I was blowing everything up, it seems like this is a pretty nice town.
13:26You should stay here, Tom P-
13:28Tim, Patty.
13:30You belong among the fireflowers.
13:34And sorry about those, by the way.
13:37That batch of fertilizer, I think.
13:38Oh, I belong among the fireflowers.
13:49Clute moved on to a motel with no TV.
13:55And I'm sorry about blowing up those officers.
14:01But they were trying to kill me.
14:06Enjoy your stay, Harmony Flute.
14:18I can't believe someone found a way to murder somebody with an aerobi.
14:23That's the 80s for you!
14:26Microplastics.
14:27Wait, I found something that reminds me of a story, too.
14:30Is it a story about me?
14:31It's actually about me.
14:33Then let's keep looking.
14:34Oh, I love merry-go-rounds.
14:36Me, too.
14:37Except for this one time I basically died on one.
14:40Flashback mode, activate.
14:43It was a beautiful day at the park.
14:45Definitely not the kind of day you'd expect a massive explosion.
14:48That was fun, but I've got to split.
15:02That was fun, but I've got to split you into a bunch of pieces.
15:18Will he make it?
15:26Doubtful, but there is an experimental new procedure that's astronomically expensive and has almost zero chance of success.
15:33Do it.
15:34We could only save the top half of his head.
15:37He'll need a digital mouth.
15:40Um, guys, we forgot to put back his penis.
15:42We could just stick it under his armpit.
15:47Do it.
15:48How do you feel, Riddick?
15:51I feel great.
15:52More ro-body than I remember, that's for sure.
15:55Oh, and who's Riddick?
15:56Detective Riddick.
15:58That's you.
15:58The most badass man on the force that we've rebuilt to be a cyborg super cop.
16:02Neat, but my name's Greg Summers.
16:05I work at the Merry-Go-Round.
16:08Wow.
16:09I wish my life was as exciting as his.
16:12Every day I do the same thing.
16:14It's a little robotic.
16:16Ah, crap.
16:17You saved the wrong half of a head!
16:19What did you do with Riddick's?
16:20I followed protocol and threw it in the half-head disposal.
16:26So now what?
16:27Ideally, we'd train you on how to use the hundreds of technologically advanced weapons you have installed.
16:32But we got a tip on the location of the man responsible for blowing you up, so we have to move now.
16:37Don't worry.
16:38There's a how-to video.
16:39Hi, I'm Mario Lopez.
16:41I say yes to hosting everything because I literally don't know the word no.
16:46Now then, will learning how to use your new cyborg body be easy?
16:51Let's get started.
16:53Who wants to learn how to shoot their laser gun?
16:56Ooh, I do.
16:57You know who else wanted to?
16:59Hannah DeArmas as she prepared for her role in the sci-fi flick Laser Academy.
17:05Hot off her rumored on-set romance with...
17:08Word is, their grand plan is even more evil than we thought.
17:14They want to bring back unassigned seating in movie theaters.
17:17Which is why we need you to capture them alive.
17:20Did you understand everything Mario Lopez told you?
17:22I think so, but he did spend the bulk of the video dishing celeb hot goss.
17:26Good enough.
17:29I don't want to hurt you guys.
17:31Non-lethal flashbangs, activate.
17:37Sorry.
17:40Soft net launcher, activate.
17:45Sorry.
17:45I gotta try something more mundane that won't hurt anyone.
17:51Espresso machine, activate.
17:54Sorry, sorry, sorry.
18:00Please surrender peacefully.
18:02I can't see another person's insides.
18:04Ain't you the guy from the merry-go-round?
18:06Huh, I thought I blew you up.
18:08Just like I plan on blowing up the widespread practice of picking your own movie theater seats.
18:12Soon I'll be able to get there early, spread my crap out across five different seats,
18:16and say I'm saving them for friends.
18:18When in fact, I just like having empty seats on either side of me.
18:22You're a disgrace to movie-going.
18:24Like those people who stand up to salute the Nicole Kidman AMC ad.
18:28Flamethrower, activate!
18:32Oh, thank God.
18:33I didn't...
18:34Kill you?
18:42Aww.
18:45I killed every terrorist.
18:47Either Mario Lopez is terrible at explaining advanced robotic weaponry,
18:51or maybe I'm just not cut out for this job.
18:53Oh!
18:57Oh, hi.
18:58My name's Summers.
19:00I'm Winona.
19:01I work at the morgue.
19:02What a coincidence.
19:03I recently put several people in the morgue.
19:05What are you doing?
19:07The half-head disposal is for half-heads only.
19:09You just put a whole head in.
19:11Everybody down.
19:12It's gonna blow.
19:13Force field, activate.
19:19You saved my life.
19:21How can I ever repay you?
19:23Oh, you don't have to.
19:25Okay, bye.
19:27Let's go scrap you for parts.
19:28No, this made me realize that I may be built to kill, but I'm born to protect.
19:34Instead of sitting watching the world go round, I just did something that felt good.
19:38In my heart and my armpit.
19:40Then let's find you a partner.
19:42Someone dark enough to keep your brightness from blinding people.
19:45Kang, you're gonna want to see this.
19:47Thanks, Sergeant.
19:48You're gonna want to see this.
19:49Dear detective people.
19:51It's been a few years, but I wanted to let you know I'm doing great.
19:54Please continue not trying to find me since I'm doing great, as evidenced by the number
19:57of times I've told you I'm doing great in this letter.
20:00Yours greatly.
20:01Former detective Flute.
20:02P.S.
20:02Please ignore the tear stains on this letter.
20:04They are tears of manly confidence.
20:05Again, doing great.
20:08The stationery is from the put it in.
20:10Summers, I think I just found you, your borderline suicidal toxic partner.
20:14You had me at borderline.
20:17Wait, so your penis is under your arm?
20:20I think you misunderstood the story.
20:22No, I believe tis you who has misunderstood your own tragic tale.
20:27Yeah, it was a story about meeting me.
20:29All right, I'm tired of cleaning.
20:30Let's hit happy hour.
20:31But we didn't really clean much up.
20:33It's just a construct to get us to tell stories.
20:36Maybe we'll do it every season.
20:37Of detective work.
20:39Right, Flute?
20:40Flute?
20:45Thanks.
20:45You almost got me, Gus.
20:47Yeah, ha ha.
20:48They almost eat you.
20:50Now that would have been a good story.
20:57Shotgun.
21:02Well, we missed happy hour.
21:03Time for regular old sad hour.
21:05But I got to learn more about you, partner.
21:07Nothing sad about that.
21:09Then you weren't really listening.
21:11We never really discussed the giant fungus.
21:13What was his story?
21:15Or hers.
21:15Not our problem.
21:18I found him a new job, and I think he's gonna like it.
21:21The end.
21:30The end.
21:30The end.
21:34The end.
21:35The end.
21:35The end.
21:35The end.
21:35The end.
21:35The end.
21:35The end.
21:36The end.
21:36The end.
21:36The end.
21:36The end.
21:37The end.
21:37The end.
21:37The end.
21:37The end.
21:37The end.
21:38The end.
21:38The end.
21:38The end.
21:38The end.
21:39The end.
21:39The end.
21:39The end.
21:40The end.
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