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00:00Hello. I'm so sorry I'm late. You won't believe the afternoon I've just had.
00:05Oh, lemonade? Thanks. No ice? Not much lemon and sugar either.
00:09So, just water then. It's okay. I'm not a fussy person.
00:12Anyway, yeah, my mother had one of her breakups.
00:15And she was crying and I was trying to be a nice, supportive daughter.
00:19Mom, your stupid boyfriend stole my favorite jacket!
00:22I know it's him. He's always had his eye on it.
00:25And if I ever find him wearing it, I'll strangle him with it.
00:28By the time I was done comforting her, I missed the bus.
00:31Then I dashed to the subway station and barely managed to squeeze into a jam-packed train.
00:36And then this couple started baby-talking in my face.
00:39The guy was all like, aw, my baby broke a nail. I'm gonna kiss that boo-boo away.
00:43And the girl was like, oh, Shmoopy, I love you so much.
00:46Oh, God. How can anyone with an ounce of self-respect talk like that?
00:51Then they started kissing, literally in my ear.
00:54I mean, the girl was leaning against me for support.
00:57I could see the guy had spinach stuck in his teeth.
00:59I just couldn't take it anymore, okay?
01:02I shouted at them to get a room.
01:04And then everyone around me started booing me for harassing two people in love.
01:08Someone even threw a tomato at me.
01:10This is why I hate romantic love and how ridiculous it makes people.
01:15Actually, wait. Don't start thinking I'm some love-hating, bitter person just yet.
01:19Hi, I'm Fiona. And before I explain myself, please like and subscribe.
01:23I grew up with a single mom and my half-sister Mila, who's five years older than me.
01:27The two are like peas in a pod.
01:29Basically, both of them aren't acting their respective ages.
01:32And me? Well, the only thing I have in common with them is that we all like chocolate.
01:36Which is nothing remarkable given that 86% of the world's population likes chocolate.
01:40No, I didn't check this on Google, but you get my point, right?
01:43Mom had Mila at 18.
01:44And then five years later, she had me with another loser, who I kinda feel lucky not knowing.
01:49Because I've seen the guys mom picks, and it's not pretty.
01:52Like once when I was seven, mom brought home this guy who claimed to be, wait for it, a prince from a far-off land.
01:59Even then, I could tell he was just a con man with a fake accent.
02:03And look, he came bearing royal gifts.
02:06This felt for mom because her back hurts a lot.
02:08A makeup set for Mila, who was 12 at the time.
02:11And a watch for me. Trust me, this is the original condition.
02:15So, which country are you from?
02:18Pajama Stan. My people wear pajamas day and night, and everyone's comfortable and happy.
02:23And where is this place? Can you show me on this map?
02:26Ah, see that tiny island next to Pakistan? That one.
02:30You're pointing to Africa, dude. Pakistan's in Asia.
02:33It recently shifted to Africa. Your map's old.
02:36That doesn't make any sense.
02:38Your mama doesn't make any sense.
02:41He stayed for free with us for three weeks, then finally stole mom's jewelry and vanished off the face of the house.
02:47Pretty much like the country he rules.
02:50And my sister? Well, she has a serial dating problem.
02:53You know those girls who just can't be without a boyfriend ever?
02:56She's already in another relationship before she's fully out of the last one.
03:00Also, Mila has two types.
03:02One is the macho criminal type.
03:04Like, if she ever wants a reunion party for her exes, she'd have to arrange it in prison.
03:08This last guy she was dating had tattoos all over and gold chains around his neck.
03:12And surprise, surprise, he turned out to be some low-level drug dealer.
03:16Talk about a walking cliché.
03:18The second type is pathetic losers.
03:20Boys with terrible self-esteem who keep telling Mila that she's way out of their league.
03:25Now, these guys are slightly better than the macho jerks, but I don't respect them either.
03:29For example, see this guy? Let's call him Peter.
03:31What is this loser even wearing?
03:33The first time I met Peter, I walked into Mila's room thinking some homeless dude had broken in.
03:38And I hit him with my shoe.
03:39Which brings me to a question for all you guys out there.
03:42What happened to basic grooming and occasionally washing your face?
03:45Is that a very tall order?
03:47If you're watching, please comment below and explain this to me, okay?
03:50Because when I see old Hollywood movies with their impeccably dressed heroes, I just swoon.
03:55When and why did guys decide it was cool to look like you just got out of bed and wear low-rise pajama pants that introduced me to your butt crack on the first date?
04:04They haven't even fully observed your eye color yet and I had to see that?
04:08No, no, no. I did not want this level of intimacy. Sorry, sorry, I got off track.
04:13So yeah, Mom and Mila's collective dating records plays out like the soap operas they love.
04:19Never-ending and full of dumb characters and unnecessary drama.
04:23And I swore I'd never be like them.
04:25I'd pick the right guy.
04:27Because it's not that I hate romance.
04:29Like, come on, who doesn't want someone like Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice?
04:33There's a reason why 91.5% of the female population adores Mr. Darcy.
04:38No, I didn't Google that either. I just make this stuff up. Get with the program.
04:42Of course I want some handsome, sophisticated guy to see me across a room and be captivated by my intelligent eyes.
04:49Then we exchange witty banter and stinging insults and he falls hopelessly in love with me.
04:54And I find out that despite his flaws, he is in fact my perfect match.
04:59But in reality, I just can't seem to get past the flaws.
05:02I swear I try, but it's not been looking good since the sixth grade.
05:06See this love letter a boy gave me back then?
05:08I'm writing with a red crayon to show my love is like a lion.
05:12I'm writing with a brown to show you I'm down.
05:15Circle, I love, hate you, Mark.
05:17He wrote this in sixth grade.
05:19What was I supposed to be impressed by?
05:21The obviously low IQ?
05:22Looking into my recent dating history, let's start with Mr. Buttcrack.
05:26He works at the local movie theater and he looks all right in his uniform.
05:29He cracked a funny movie line, I laughed, and we exchanged numbers.
05:33Such a mistake.
05:35Sup, girl?
05:36Sup, girl?
05:37No, hello, nice to see you.
05:38I'll pull out your chair.
05:40Nah.
05:41Why even bother using proper words, girl?
05:43He chewed like a cow.
05:45Told me he had no plans to go to college cause he already had a job.
05:48And said he was gonna live rent-free with his parents forever.
05:51Sounds sweet, right?
05:53Oh, you see that dork with the broken glasses?
05:55I gave him a wedgie yesterday.
05:57I couldn't wait for this date to end.
06:00I leaned in for a quick goodbye hug just to be polite, but he kissed me instead.
06:04And it felt like kissing the bark of a tree.
06:06Dude, ever heard of a thing called lip balm?
06:09Then there's Mr. Pretentious Windbad.
06:11A friend set me up with him, saying he was just my type.
06:14Yeah, we're not friends anymore.
06:16The foie gras is spectacular.
06:19Almost as good as the one I have in France.
06:21Have you tried the caviar yet?
06:22Please, have some.
06:23It's not every day you get to taste such exquisiteness.
06:27And oh, this rabbit?
06:28What's that smoky flavor?
06:30I'm getting hints of oak and maple.
06:32Nobody cares, dude.
06:33Just shut up and let me eat.
06:35I tried ending this evening with a hug too, but he leaned in for a kiss and-
06:38Just pause for a sec.
06:39See how moist his lips are?
06:41Like, they're too moist.
06:43What does he use on them?
06:44French butter?
06:45Ugh.
06:46Okay, you can continue now.
06:47There's no getting out of this kiss for me.
06:49Ugh.
06:50Then there was Mr. Sweet Tooth.
06:51He kept calling me things like cupcake, muffin, sugar cookie, cream puff.
06:56What am I?
06:57A girl or a bakery item?
06:58Then the ugly crier.
07:00He actually seemed fine.
07:01Till we went to see a sad play together.
07:03And I've never in my life seen anyone look so hideous when they cry and so loud.
07:09He's not with me.
07:11He's not with me.
07:12I don't know this loser.
07:13Whoever you are, man.
07:14Get a grip.
07:15He broke up with me for not having a heart.
07:17At least I have self-control.
07:19The gay guy in denial.
07:20He kept checking out the male waiter's butts on our date.
07:22So what can a girl do?
07:23The shirtless guy.
07:24Do I even need to elaborate?
07:26The moonwalker.
07:27Yeah.
07:28All he wanted to do was moonwalk in public and have everyone tell him he's the next Michael
07:32Jackson.
07:33Oh, so annoying.
07:34Yeah.
07:35I'd rather be single.
07:36One evening, a rich neighbor's kids had arranged a grand birthday party and they'd invited
07:40the whole neighborhood.
07:41Mom and Mila looked like they were going to a dance club.
07:43Why are you two dressed up like that?
07:45I know you're on a manhunt, but it's a kid's birthday party for crying out loud.
07:49And kids are supervised by adults.
07:52You always have to be ready, love.
07:54What if today's the day I meet my soulmate?
07:56Exactly.
07:57And why are you always dressed like a nursery school teacher, Fiona?
08:00What?
08:01My cardigan and skirt are cute.
08:03Lose the cardigan.
08:04And I'd trim the skirt by about six inches.
08:06I might as well go in my underwear then.
08:09Now we're getting somewhere.
08:10Ugh, these two.
08:12Mom and Mila did find guys to flirt with while I sat in a corner eating cake and wondering
08:17why people ever willingly have children.
08:19They scream at the pitch of opera singers, carry a million germs, and think the universe revolves
08:24around them.
08:25Just then, our flustered looking neighbor said she had to take her twins to the bathroom,
08:29and could I look after her baby?
08:31And then she just dumped him on me.
08:33FYI, I don't hate babies.
08:34Like, I'm not a psychopath.
08:36It's just that, well, babies are boring.
08:38And it's unfair to expect me to go gaga over them just because I'm a girl.
08:41No, my womb doesn't tingle every time I see a baby.
08:44And just look at this one.
08:45All it's doing is staring at me and making spit bubbles.
08:48This is about as much fun as spending time with a potato.
08:51Just then, I spotted the party clown and handed the baby to him.
08:54Can you just hang on to it till this woman with red hair comes around?
08:57She's the mom of the crazy birthday twins.
08:59Just hand it over in one piece, okay?
09:01Are you calling the baby it?
09:03Yeah, I can't tell if it's a boy or a girl.
09:05Also, I really don't care.
09:06It's a girl.
09:07And she's my niece.
09:08Oh, uh, she's very cute.
09:11Wait, your niece?
09:12Yeah, I'm the birthday twins' uncle.
09:14I live here.
09:15Who are you again?
09:16We've been living next door for ages.
09:17I've never seen you around before.
09:19Next door?
09:20Are you, wait, Fiona?
09:21I'm Edward.
09:22We used to play together as kids.
09:23I went away to boarding school and then college.
09:25Oh my god, Edward, yes!
09:28You're the weirdo who would eat Snickers bars with a knife and a fork.
09:31You're the crazy girl who waxed my leg and said all men are loser babies when I cried.
09:36You were kind of a jerk to me, actually.
09:37Looks like you haven't changed much.
09:39Excuse me?
09:40I mean, you still seem like the warm, affectionate soul I remember.
09:44I'll see you around.
09:45Don't hold your breath.
09:46That clown sounded condescending, right?
09:48Like, I think he just called me a jerk, right?
09:50A few days later, I got out of college and headed to my favorite Chinese restaurant for lunch.
09:55This place has been around for 50 years, guys.
09:58And if you're ever in this part of town, you gotta try Mrs. Jianbing's dumplings.
10:01And what the?
10:02There was a sign outside the restaurant that said Seoul.
10:05I rushed in to find Mrs. Jianbing telling other customers that they'd only be serving for another month.
10:10But why did you sell this place?
10:12Everyone loves your food.
10:14Oh, we've been struggling a lot lately, dear.
10:16Besides, the people who bought us are going to open a huge Chinese restaurant next door.
10:20We can't compete with them.
10:21It's for the best.
10:22Oh, there's one of our new buyers.
10:24I turned around to see a young guy walk in.
10:27And he looked good.
10:28The hair, the crisp white shirt, the perfectly creased pants, and then the cologne hit me.
10:33Oof.
10:34Hello, Mrs. Jianbing.
10:35How you doing today?
10:36Oh, hi, Fiona.
10:37Is everything okay?
10:38You're not blinking much.
10:39How my name, you know, do, how?
10:42Are you having a stroke?
10:43It's me, Edward.
10:45Edward?
10:46Edward who?
10:47Edward the clown?
10:48You?
10:49You bought this place?
10:50My family?
10:51Yeah, it was my idea.
10:52We're opening a restaurant next door.
10:53Yeah, I heard.
10:54Don't you feel guilty forcing the owners to sell?
10:57We made them a great offer, and they accepted.
10:59We didn't force anyone.
11:01Well, you're still responsible for shutting them down.
11:04And trust me, the people of this town won't support your business.
11:07We're loyal around here.
11:09I've done my research, and I think we'll do just fine.
11:12Also, I think you'll be a regular at our place.
11:14You think wrong.
11:16Okay, no worries.
11:17You won't be missed.
11:18Ugh, the nerve of rich people.
11:21Just driving out small business, and then acting like they're doing humanity a favor.
11:25Besides, what did this guy know about Chinese food?
11:28Later that night, I found Mila spying on him with binoculars.
11:31Have you seen that boy next door?
11:33He's scrumptious.
11:35Stop that.
11:36I'm pretty sure it's illegal.
11:37Also, he's younger than you.
11:39Yeah, so?
11:40You know, you were kinda mean to him as a kid.
11:42I don't remember that.
11:43I'm sure you do.
11:44He was a neat freak who didn't like getting his clothes dirty.
11:47And he'd always arrange his things in a certain order.
11:50And you kept messing with him.
11:52Also, you gave him a wedgie once.
11:54Honestly, I'm not sure why I was a jerk to Edward.
11:56It's probably Mila and Mom who gave me my issues with boys from an early age.
11:59But why was this guy getting under my skin now?
12:02Oh, yeah, it's cuz he called me a jerk and he was shutting down my favorite Chinese place.
12:06I had to keep hating him.
12:08And I seemed to bump into him way more than I would have liked.
12:11I was going over to Mrs. Jianbing's every day now.
12:13And Edward was always overseeing the construction next door.
12:17But he also frequently visited the coffee shop where I worked as a waitress.
12:21Mm-mm-mm.
12:22What shall I have today?
12:24Yeah, take your time.
12:25I've got nothing to do.
12:27Hmm, um, let's see.
12:31Okay, never mind.
12:32I'll just have my usual.
12:33I don't have your usual memorized.
12:36I literally order the same thing every day.
12:38And you thought I put it down in my diary?
12:40No, just your brain.
12:42But it's okay.
12:43I understand.
12:44Waitressing is hard for you.
12:45Are you saying I'm dumb?
12:47No, I'm just saying that you don't have the best people skills.
12:50You should think about joining the army.
12:52And you should think about joining the garbage dump.
12:54And then one night, Edward turned up at our door with a cake and flowers.
12:59You took a job as a delivery boy?
13:01Sorry, wrong house.
13:03These are for your mom and sister.
13:04I never visit someone's place empty-handed.
13:06What a gentleman.
13:07So, anything for me?
13:09Yeah, a proposal.
13:10I'd like you to be my date for a charity gala.
13:12Did you just ask me out?
13:13What made you think I'd say yes?
13:15Well, you keep spying on me with your binoculars.
13:17Clearly, you have a crush on me.
13:19That's not me.
13:20I mean, it's not anybody here.
13:22You're hallucinating.
13:23Okay, if you insist.
13:25And it's not a real date.
13:26I just need any girl, and you're my neighbor.
13:28So, it's convenient.
13:29My ex will probably be there, and I didn't want to turn up alone.
13:32Okay?
13:33Say yes, and I'll find another coffee shop to go to every day.
13:36You got yourself a deal.
13:37I know he was the rich, annoying guy I had to hate.
13:40But it was hard to remember that when he picked me up for the gala in his tuxedo.
13:44And then he looked at me, not in a sleazy way, but in his cool, smooth, I'm noticing everything about you way that made my knees buckle a bit.
13:53It's in art, guys, and this dude knows it.
13:55You look lovely.
13:56At the gala, I could see how people responded to his charm.
13:59He pulled out my chair first, ate with exquisite manners, and made sure to include everyone in the conversation.
14:05Just then, a lady asked if someone could hold her baby for a while, and Edward immediately volunteered.
14:11And something really strange started happening to me.
14:13What is it about men and babies put together?
14:16I mean, I'd seen Edward the Clown with his niece before, but Edward James Bond cooing at a baby?
14:22This was different.
14:23Something about him looking so manly, but being sweet and gentle with her was short-circuiting my brain.
14:29And was that my womb tingling finally?
14:32Did I want Edward, or did I want a baby?
14:34I felt so confused.
14:35I need some fresh air.
14:36It's getting hot in here.
14:38Be right back.
14:39When I returned, I stopped short seeing Edward standing next to a beautiful girl.
14:44I felt I was watching in slow motion as she laughed, then reached out and casually took off a piece of lint from his coat with her perfectly manicured hand.
14:52Except that there was nothing casual about it.
14:55It was such a girlfriend-y move.
14:57You don't take lint off a random guy's coat.
14:59Dang it.
15:00They looked like a golden Hollywood couple, and I didn't like it.
15:03So, that girl you were talking to, who was she?
15:06Oh, that's my ex.
15:08Right.
15:09She's gorgeous.
15:10Yeah, she really is.
15:11Do you think she seemed happy to see me?
15:13She looked happy, yeah.
15:15Cool, cool.
15:16Thanks, Fiona.
15:17You were a big help tonight.
15:18He ended the night with a strong pat on my back, like he was burping a baby.
15:22True to his word, Edward stopped coming to the coffee shop, and I felt disappointed.
15:26A few times when I went to the Chinese restaurant, he wasn't there either.
15:29Yeah, he'd reconnected with Miss Universe for sure and was busy with her.
15:33And I didn't want to care, but I did.
15:35A few days later, I got home from work to find Mom looking upset.
15:39Mila went on a trip with her boyfriend and was supposed to be back yesterday.
15:42I haven't heard from her, and her cell phone is off.
15:45We called all her friends, but no one had a clue.
15:47We thought if she wasn't back by morning, we'd report her missing.
15:50But I was sick with worry.
15:52I went out for some air and had just walked a few steps when I ran straight into someone.
15:57Great, I'd ordered this specialty cake from Mom.
15:59Hey, Fiona, what's wrong?
16:00I probably looked worse than the ugly crier telling Edward about Mila.
16:04He asked me everything we knew about her boyfriend and said he'd report it to the police immediately.
16:08We'll find her.
16:09There's probably a good reason why her phone's off.
16:11Get some rest, and I'll keep you updated.
16:13Mom and I must have dozed off while waiting to hear from Edward,
16:16because it was morning when I woke up to find Mila burst in and Mom crying as she hugged her.
16:21I jumped to hug her, too, and then pushed her hard.
16:24Where were you, idiot?
16:26I was at this cabin with Kyle and his friends, and suddenly there was a police raid.
16:30We all got thrown in jail, and I wasn't allowed to make a phone call.
16:33Kyle is part of some criminal gang. Can you believe it?
16:36Of course I can believe it.
16:38God, don't you ever learn anything?
16:40Maybe you would if you stopped dating for two seconds and spent some time alone with yourself to think about why you keep messing up.
16:45Is your self-worth so low that you need constant validation from stupid pieces of garbage?
16:49Fiona, honey, calm down.
16:51No, Mom! I will not calm down!
16:54You two keep acting like dumb teenagers, and it's not cute! Just grow up already!
16:59I was still fuming in my room hours later when there was a knock on my door.
17:03Can we talk without you biting my head off? We can try.
17:07Look, you're right. I keep making terrible choices. I'm sorry, and I'll work on getting my act together, okay?
17:13Okay, and I'm really glad you're alright. How'd you get out of jail?
17:17Oh, Edward tracked me down somehow. He drove out three hours to come get me and paid the bail.
17:22He must really like you to make so much effort.
17:25What? No! He's just a gentleman! I'll go thank him.
17:28I know you don't want relationship advice from me, but Edward's a special guy, so don't let him go easily, okay?
17:34Just tell him you like him. I know you do. And so what if he doesn't like you back?
17:38I've been rejected by thousands of guys, and I'm fine. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
17:44Also, it's good to put yourself out there for someone worthwhile.
17:47Wow, you sound almost wise. So bizarre. Just go!
17:52Edward wasn't home, but their maid told me he'd gone to the restaurant.
17:56My heart was pounding as I thought about what I'd say to him, and then it started to rain!
18:01Great! This is how I wanted to confess my feelings. Looking like a wet poodle.
18:05Edward was alone in the restaurant and looked surprised to see me.
18:08Fiona, you're soaked. Here, take my jacket. I'll get you something warm.
18:12He ran off to the kitchen and came back with soup and dumplings.
18:16We're testing out our menu today. Want to give these a try?
18:19Okay, sure. Although I'm not happy about it.
18:21Oh my god, these taste exactly like Mrs. Jianbing's.
18:25I hired her as the chef. That was always the plan, but I didn't tell you,
18:28because you'd already assumed I'm a rich jerk who doesn't care about a small business owner.
18:32I told you, you're gonna be a regular here.
18:34Okay, that's my cue to embarrass myself. So here goes.
18:38Edward, I came here to help you for thanking Mila, but there's more.
18:42And it's probably totally the wrong time because you just rekindled things with your ex,
18:45but I like you, okay? Yeah, I like you.
18:48Wow, this is so liberating.
18:49I really like you, Edward. And I don't care if you like me back,
18:52because I was still strong enough to say it and I'm so proud of myself.
18:56I'm proud of you too. Also, I didn't rekindle anything with my ex.
19:00I literally took you to the gala to see if you'd get jealous of her.
19:03I like you too, Fiona.
19:05Really? Why?
19:06Because you act so much tougher than you are. And it's really cute.
19:09I am tough. Remember I gave you a wedgie once?
19:12I can do so much worse if you turn out to be a jerk.
19:15I'll keep that in mind. Now please shut up so I can kiss you.
19:18It was just as magical as I'd imagined. And it looked like I'd met my match.
19:23Yeah, I'm not gonna say. And then we lived happily ever after.
19:27Cause that's dumb and cliched and not real.
19:29We lived happy most of the time ever after. And I wouldn't trade it for anything else.
19:34No!