C.l.a-r.k s.o.n-s F.a.r.m S4E6
Kategorie
📺
TVTranskript
00:00I
00:30We had now reached the middle of July.
00:35And under a canopy of blue skies, the crops appeared to be coming along nicely.
00:41Soon then, we'd all be rolling up our sleeves and getting down to the job of harvesting them.
00:54I couldn't look forward to that, though, because I had to focus on getting the pub open.
01:00All right, mate.
01:02Right. Jobs.
01:04Yes.
01:05I want to get it open by the August bank holiday.
01:08End of August.
01:08Yeah.
01:09All right, so we keep six weeks in our head.
01:11And there are certain things, we're not going to do much.
01:13But there are certain things we've got to do.
01:15For example, what we're standing on.
01:16Repair the decking.
01:17I want it to look good.
01:18It'll look brilliant.
01:19Yeah.
01:19So we've got a nice area around here.
01:21Yes.
01:22Now this...
01:22The next job was water, because the survey had revealed that if you drank it, you'd very quickly vomit yourself to death.
01:30This is where the borehole is.
01:31Yeah, there's a borehole down there.
01:32And this water, we've been told, is poisonous.
01:34Yeah, it's not...
01:35Well, it's got some disease in it, it's not drinkable.
01:37We have to get the water sorted before we can open it.
01:39Yeah, you can't use that.
01:41Alan suggested that instead, we should tap into the mains pipe that fed the farm across the road.
01:47That's where the water main is, in that field.
01:48Oh, is it?
01:49Yeah.
01:49In here.
01:50Well, that's not going to be difficult to find.
01:51No easy, two-minute job.
01:53Disabled lose here.
01:55Yeah.
01:55In front of the propane tank.
01:58After going through the interior jobs, stud wall, little bar, change that bar.
02:04Yes.
02:05We then got down to brass tacks.
02:08Well, no, you're going to say how much now, aren't you?
02:09Yeah.
02:10Well, I'm not worried about this, this is peanuts.
02:12What do you call peanuts?
02:13Let's just say, let's just say, 10 to 15,000 to put a brand new deck in down here and tighten it up.
02:18Okay.
02:18Next.
02:19Water.
02:19The water main, we're going to piss about that for a couple of days.
02:22Let's just, let's just say £1,000 to get your water up here properly.
02:24Oh, that's not a bit.
02:25Not a big deal, is it?
02:26Next.
02:27Stud wall and bar upstairs.
02:29The bar and stud wall, I think you spend five grand up there.
02:32That's easy.
02:33Next.
02:33Bar downstairs.
02:35That's a bit different.
02:35Yeah.
02:36Make a nice bar down there.
02:37Well, you ought to give me a budget on that, really, if you wanted to spend six or seven.
02:39Yeah, exactly.
02:39Yeah.
02:40I could work that one out.
02:40Yeah.
02:41So really, it's sort of 20 to 25.
02:44Yeah.
02:44We can make this pub.
02:46Workable.
02:47Yeah.
02:52Whilst Alan's lad set about demolishing the rotten decking, he and I went to see if any other jobs needed doing.
03:01And instantly, we ran into a welcome face.
03:04G-Dog.
03:05Jeremy.
03:06Alan.
03:07The old general's back.
03:09What have you done to your hair?
03:11Did you only have five quid?
03:13No, I got it done for ten.
03:16I have it.
03:17I have it.
03:18It didn't do the back.
03:19No.
03:19We opened the top of the old thing and then the old thing on the top of that, yeah?
03:23Yeah.
03:23You know, this was when, like, the age of when I was about four years old.
03:26Hey, listen, I'm glad you're here because this.
03:29Yeah.
03:30We just need to get this rebuilt.
03:31Yeah.
03:32I don't know how the old him's still like that, though.
03:34Do you remember this?
03:35If this is a draft, they'll go and splatter the wall again, perhaps.
03:38You know, a trick show or something.
03:39That's a long way from Chadlington to here.
03:42I was going to say, you can have anything like that in the cones.
03:44I can always get them root.
03:45If they're gold enough, so I can tell you, perhaps.
03:48I mean, Thursday, you're not going to be on it as well, can't I?
03:52Yeah.
03:52Yeah.
03:53That would be good.
03:53Yeah.
03:55So, that's what we've got to get done.
03:56Yeah.
03:57Well, we're just popping out.
03:57We'll be back in a minute.
03:58Yeah, okay.
03:58I'll see you in a bit.
03:59It'll be long.
04:02With the pub renovation underway, I got back to the business of providing it with food.
04:09Endgame would eventually have his own production line, but I couldn't wait for that to come
04:13on stream.
04:14So, I decided to go to my first ever cattle auction and buy some cows.
04:22Hello?
04:22Charlie?
04:23Hi.
04:24I'm just wondering, how many cows do you think I should buy?
04:27We need between six and seven, maybe eight.
04:30Okay.
04:30So, I'll get eight cows, and these are store cows.
04:34People will...
04:34Yeah, you don't want to buy store stores.
04:37You want to buy something that actually we can finish fairly quickly.
04:41What?
04:42I literally don't know what you mean.
04:43What does that mean?
04:45I...
04:46We want something that's only about two months away from being fat to slaughter.
04:51Right.
04:51Because...
04:52So, a fat cow is ready to go?
04:55Yeah.
04:55A store cow is on its way to being ready to go.
04:58Correct.
04:59All right.
04:59Thanks, Charlie.
05:00Good luck.
05:00All right.
05:01I still wasn't totally sure what Charlie was on about, but there was no need to panic, because Harriet had kindly agreed to come along and hold my hand.
05:11But you don't drink coffee?
05:13No.
05:14Tea.
05:15I can't believe a Yorkshire man doesn't drink tea.
05:16I do drink tea.
05:17Oh.
05:17And we started by going through the breeds on sale.
05:21Charolais and Angus.
05:22Yeah.
05:23Are they any good?
05:23Yeah.
05:24These will run on moorland at altitude.
05:26Yeah.
05:26So, it's telling you they're coming down, aren't they?
05:28So, you always want animals to come down in altitude rather than going up, because, say, if you've got a sheep and it's been bred on high altitude, it could go to lower altitude, but if you had a lower altitude sheet, you wouldn't want to put it on high altitude.
05:40Why not?
05:40Because it wouldn't survive.
05:41It's not used to that altitude.
05:44What, because the air's thin?
05:45Yeah.
05:45It's just not used to it.
05:46So, sheep just die, don't they?
05:47So, if you put it somewhere with a higher altitude, it'll probably just drop dead.
05:51Belton Blues.
05:51I was reading about those.
05:52Yes.
05:53Last week.
05:54What's...
05:54There's something wrong with them.
05:55What's wrong with them?
05:56It was in the Times.
05:59Foot and mouth, that's coming back round.
06:01I don't know, but that won't just be in Belgian Blues.
06:03Oh, here we are.
06:04They're called XL Bully cows.
06:07A muscle-bound foreign cow dubbed the XL Bully could replace UK breeds under secret research plans.
06:13Belgian Blues can weigh up to 197 stone, equal to a small rhino, and are bred for extra meat.
06:19But Belgian Blues have also been behind a series of savage attacks.
06:23Ex-Home Secretary David Blunkett, who's blind, suffered three broken ribs as he protected his guide dog from a charging cow in the Peak District.
06:31It was a massive European breed.
06:32Mike would have been killed.
06:34So, Belgian Blues are dangerous.
06:35You're not going to buy in anything nasty, anyway.
06:37We then went to the pens to look at the cows themselves.
06:40Morning.
06:41Hey, yeah.
06:42I love the adverts.
06:45Mobile sheep dipping.
06:47Slurry systems.
06:51So, look at the back on that, right?
06:54That's what you're looking for.
06:55It's flat back like a tabletop, isn't it?
06:57Can we not want to see your spine?
06:59We don't want to see any bones.
07:00You don't want them to be pot-bellied.
07:02Well, that's the worst.
07:03Yeah.
07:04You don't want them to be pot-bellied.
07:06You just want them to look muscly.
07:08Yeah.
07:08Yeah.
07:09So, you're going to get your steaks throughout it.
07:10So, what you want to be looking at is the meat-to-fat ratio.
07:15Following Harriet's advice, I made a long short list of the cows I thought Charlie would want me to get.
07:20Three, six.
07:21And then I was given a crash course in how to bid.
07:25You need to play it by ear.
07:26You know, say he's starting off at £1,200.
07:29Don't bid, because then they'll bid you up.
07:31Who will?
07:31The other buyers, because they'll know you want them cows, because you've put in your bid.
07:35So, you want to wait until the last minute to put in your bid.
07:37How do I know when the last minute's coming?
07:38Because when he's stuck at a number, you'll know that it's not going any further.
07:42That's when you'll go...
07:44How do I go?
07:46That.
07:48Eyebrow.
07:48But, don't bid on anything we don't want.
07:51Because he'll take this as a gesture.
07:53So, you can't be going, like, putting your hand up or itching your nose.
07:57Oh, he'll take that as a...
07:58He'll take that as you want him to buy it.
08:00Where am I?
08:00And then we'll be going home with 20 of the wrong cows.
08:10Right, ladies and gentlemen, make a start.
08:12You see that TV up there?
08:14Yeah.
08:14That's going to tell you what lot we're on, but you're on.
08:16Okay, good.
08:17That's the issue to me.
08:18And that was the last thing I understood.
08:20Because at that moment, the auctioneer started speaking.
08:2311, 60, 60, 70, 70, 70, 80, 80, 90, 90, 90, 11, 30, 20, 20, 20, 20, 20, 30, 11, 30, 40, 11, 40, 50, 50, 50, 55, 50, 50, 60, bit 11, 60, bit, 30, bit.
08:32and 80 for a bit 85, got them out, 12, 5, 10, 15, 12, 25, 12, 20 for a bit salsa, name.
08:39Not one word.
08:41Not one word.
08:4312, 25, 1225 pounds.
08:45Hello and 60 for a bit in your toxicity.
08:46Hello and 60 for a bit in your toxicity.
08:48Does he talk like this to his wife when he wants you to pass the hammer down?
08:50I don't know, you should ask her.
08:51Yeah, that's a marmalade, but I love you.
08:53I'm told him, yeah, when we do your homework, I'm going to stay for a shit now,
08:56and then I'm going to go on the bottom, and then I'm going to come down to her.
08:58Then I'm going to have our supper, and then I'm going to watch Eastland,
09:00and just go to the bottom.
09:04Right, these, these are good.
09:08Are you bidding?
09:1916, 20.
09:21I'm sorry, did you just buy them?
09:23Yeah.
09:24What?
09:2416, 20, so you've got two at 16, 20.
09:272, 3, 4, 16, 20.
09:29How were you bidding?
09:29Were you just letting your toenails wear it when you saw it?
09:31I mean, I didn't see it. Oh, hello.
09:33That's a nice beast.
09:35At this point, I decided it was time to pull rank.
09:38I'm supposed to do that.
09:40And do some buying myself.
09:4211, 10, 20, 11, 20, 30, 11, 30...
09:45And you do it.
09:4611, 50, 50, 50, 50...
09:4811, 50.
09:50Stop putting your hands on.
09:5111, 50.
09:52Nearly twice, nearly twice.
09:54Did I buy that?
09:55You bought it twice, yeah.
09:56Did I buy it?
09:57You bid yourself up.
09:58Shit.
10:02Nevertheless, I continued on my own.
10:06I'm pleased with that.
10:07It's a good-looking gown.
10:12Did I buy those?
10:13Yeah.
10:18Until eventually...
10:23So, you've got one, two, three, four, five, six...
10:26You've got eight.
10:27So, we're done?
10:28We're done.
10:29With the money handed over and my cows being loaded, I asked Harriet to explain one last thing.
10:36When I bought one of those cows, a man came over and gave me 40 quid.
10:41Why did he do that?
10:42It's luck money.
10:43So, when you buy someone's cows, they give you luck money with them as an incentive to buy them.
10:47So, it's cash money?
10:48Yeah.
10:49Yeah.
10:50No tax.
10:51Well, there is now because we've just put it on television.
10:53HMRC, I'll watch.
10:54We'll give it in back.
10:56Having said goodbye to our part-time diddly squatter...
10:58Take care of yourself.
10:59Yeah.
11:00See you later.
11:02...I headed back to the farm with my new cows.
11:05Come on, the new cows!
11:07...and waited for Charlie to shower me with praise for a job well done.
11:12Check them out.
11:13Those two limousans are cracking.
11:15They're really good.
11:16They'll finish...
11:17The other ones Harriet bought.
11:18Did you choose the other ones who did Harriet?
11:19I did.
11:20Do you think this one's pretty cool?
11:22No.
11:23It hasn't got a round rump on the back.
11:24It's bare.
11:25Oh.
11:26What about that one?
11:27Again.
11:28What's the matter with that one?
11:29They're just...
11:30They're not big enough yet.
11:31They've got good frames, but they need some...
11:32They need to pack some weight on.
11:33Oh.
11:34There was some fat cattle at the moment.
11:35You said don't get fat ones.
11:36I said buy fat ones to your...
11:37You said get store, store cattle.
11:39Late store, not fat.
11:40I said they want to be...
11:41The first cattle need to be a month from being finished.
11:43So, if they'd have been fat, they'd have been finished.
11:45Good.
11:46Oh, God.
11:47Have I done it wrong?
11:48Well, we've not done it right.
11:49So, we might be lucky to finish those brown ones by the end of August.
11:54This one, probably six months.
11:56No, six months.
11:58Charlie said the only way to get them ready for the pub more quickly
12:02was to put them on a high-intensity bonking-up diet.
12:06You need to change this.
12:07Okay.
12:08We're going to make you big fat cows.
12:12While Charlie went off to organise that, I headed back to the windmill.
12:17For my first meeting with Sue and Rachel.
12:21You've got to look at it as a machine here.
12:23And we definitely want it to look great.
12:26Together, they specialise in setting up pubs in the Cotswolds.
12:29And now, I needed them to get mine off the ground.
12:32I want to get this place open in five weeks.
12:35Well, obviously, it's quite daunting.
12:38It's not ideal, is it?
12:39But we'll do it.
12:40Sue then outlined how efficient the operation would have to be.
12:44You know, we're going to seat or serve 150 people in here,
12:48100 on the terrace.
12:49Yeah.
12:50Two, three times, four times a day.
12:51Yeah.
12:52For every meal that's coming out of that kitchen,
12:54there's got to be an efficient machine because the food has got to whizz in.
12:57Everyone knows what they're instantly doing with it.
12:58Do it.
12:59Shove it out the front door.
13:01I then showed them the kitchen,
13:03which I assumed was already full of everything we'd need.
13:07This back cook line, I think, to do the numbers that we're talking about,
13:10needs to be vastly improved.
13:12A new six burner, a char grill.
13:14Probably a salamander grill on the wall.
13:16Definitely a salamander grill.
13:17This rationale, we need another one off at the other end of the kitchen.
13:20So you need two of those?
13:21Yeah.
13:22How much is this?
13:23That's like a mega oven.
13:24How much is it?
13:25Seven grand.
13:26What for an oven?
13:27But it's a really amazing oven.
13:28I could possibly spend $7,000 on an oven.
13:29It's the chef's favourite toy.
13:31How much do you think we need to spend on here?
13:33Well, if we're having brand new kit,
13:35$75,000 to $100,000.
13:37A lot of money.
13:38In my ears.
13:39Yeah.
13:40It is a surprise.
13:41$75,000 to $100,000.
13:42I'm not sure you said $100,000.
13:45But we could probably half that for reconditioned.
13:48Less than $50,000.
13:49$35,000 to $40,000.
13:51With a bit of reconditioned, a little bit of not on slack.
13:54And will that be able to do carvery cooking at weekends?
13:57Yeah.
13:58So what goes in here, then?
13:59We keep this, obviously.
14:00This is prep, yeah.
14:01Oh, so this is food prep.
14:02Yeah.
14:03It's really disgusting.
14:04Look at this floor.
14:05This is not new dirt.
14:06This is old dirt.
14:07It's filthy.
14:08Look in that fridge.
14:09It is disgusting.
14:10Filthy.
14:11We've got to line all these filthy walls.
14:12It's cheap and cheerful.
14:13It's just cladding.
14:14We need to get inside.
14:15One of the things, you know we're going to put a shop in here.
14:17What?
14:18At least a shop.
14:19We need that area.
14:20We've got so much to store.
14:22Less than furniture.
14:23No, no, no.
14:24She can't have a shop in here.
14:25The thing is, we do need a lot of storage.
14:27We've got knackings.
14:28We've got knackings.
14:29We've got racking.
14:30Crisps.
14:31They're crockery.
14:32Dry stores.
14:33Millions of glasses, stacks of blue rolls.
14:34Brillo pads.
14:35Millions of things.
14:36You need storage.
14:37This is what people don't see in pubs.
14:38No.
14:39You see sort of a smiley waitress pulling a pint.
14:41That is about 1% of it.
14:43And the rest is mostly...
14:44Shit.
14:45...stacking chemicals.
14:46Shit.
14:47How are you going to break it to her?
14:49Because I don't think...
14:50I'll do what I always do.
14:52I think of a solution and then tell her the solution.
14:55If I tell her the problem, I'm beaten about the head and neck
14:58with blunt instruments.
15:00After slotting that problem into my mental microwave,
15:04I went to find Alan.
15:06Oh, man.
15:07God almighty.
15:08Oh.
15:09Who'd messaged me to say the pub's septic tank was full.
15:13And also broken.
15:15Right, chaps.
15:16Hi, Jeremy.
15:17Hello, lads.
15:18What is all this shit?
15:19That's the fiberglass tank.
15:21That's the cattle that's collapsed inside.
15:23Go on over, Jeremy.
15:24Have a look down the malls.
15:25You have a look down there.
15:27Oh, my fucking...
15:28I know.
15:29Unbelievable.
15:30Oh, God.
15:31Fuck me, man.
15:32A lot of the problem with this is grease.
15:34Yeah.
15:35I think that's what you can smell, grease.
15:36Is that what that is?
15:37That sharpness?
15:38Yeah.
15:39Yeah.
15:40That's probably what's collapsed the baffle inside.
15:41What's a baffle?
15:42What's a baffle?
15:43The weight of it separates the shit from the water.
15:44Is he pumping it out there?
15:45Yeah.
15:46And that's going in your wagon, isn't it?
15:47Yeah.
15:48We're going to put some new pipes in here and make it work again.
15:49Okay.
15:50You've got to bear in mind, this was the 60s or 70s.
15:51It's never been cleaned out of touch.
15:52That's been collecting grease and shit for...
15:53Since the pub opened in the 80s, but it was the tank was here beforehand.
15:5450-odd years.
15:55Yeah.
15:56Oh, look.
15:57Oh, look.
15:58Oh, look.
15:59Oh, look.
16:00Oh, look.
16:01Oh, look.
16:02Oh, look.
16:03Oh, look.
16:04Oh, look.
16:05Oh, look.
16:06Oh, look.
16:07Oh, look.
16:08Oh, look.
16:09Oh, look.
16:10Oh, look.
16:11Oh, look.
16:12Oh, look.
16:13Oh, look.
16:14Oh, look.
16:15Oh, look.
16:16Somebody's dropped that.
16:17Somebody's dropped it down the box.
16:18What's the work?
16:19What's the work, he said.
16:20We've got a new telephone.
16:21Oh, my fucking God.
16:23No, no, no.
16:25I don't believe it.
16:26Shit.
16:27He's in there.
16:28That man is in there.
16:29Yes.
16:30He's going on holiday tomorrow.
16:31He's going to Greece tomorrow, but...
16:32He's going to Greece tomorrow, but...
16:33He's going to Greece tomorrow.
16:34Yeah.
16:35And you'll stink at Greece for a week now.
16:37So he could have done any job in the world.
16:38Yeah.
16:39But he went, no.
16:40But we've been in the shit all our lives.
16:41All right, all right.
16:42Well, I'm better than you.
16:43Coming in?
16:44Hell yeah, we're good.
16:45I'm too fat, mercifully.
16:46Unbelievable.
16:47Guys, you're amazing.
16:48Amazing, amazing work.
16:49There you go, boss.
16:50Over the following days, work on the pub continued at an industrious pace.
16:55There is a shitty shithole at the moment, isn't it?
17:14And then, amongst all the manual labour, Sue tried to find a chef.
17:20And Lisa went shopping for furniture.
17:23I'm a big fan of the French bistro table.
17:26This is a nice space as well.
17:27We could get a piece of marble on there, couldn't we?
17:29Gosh, what are you doing to me?
17:31Look at this.
17:32I, meanwhile, had to prepare the bulking-up diet for the new cows.
17:37Which, first of all, meant a trip over to the Hawksden Brewery.
17:42And how much do these weigh?
17:44Nearly a tonne.
17:45Where Mark the brewer had boxed up some suitable ingredients.
17:50So what we've got in each of these is what's called Brewer's Grain.
17:55And that's a waste product from the brewery.
17:57Half a tonne in this one, half a tonne in that one.
18:00And then you take that over and feed it to the cows.
18:03And there's a circularity there.
18:04So, waste product feeds cows, cows get fat, cows shit on field,
18:09grow barley in field, bring it back here, make it into beer.
18:12It's just so sustainable.
18:13I'm basically Greta Thunberg, but in wellies.
18:18Back at the farm, I met up with sous chef Caleb,
18:21so we could start making the cows their mega-meals.
18:25So, this mixed up with the barley that we couldn't sell last year
18:29because it wasn't good enough for beer.
18:30If you roll that, though.
18:31Roll it.
18:32And then molasses for that cheekily taste.
18:34Yeah, to make this palatable for them.
18:35Yeah.
18:36And then the waste product from making our vegetable oil.
18:39Yeah.
18:40Or, how's this for an idea?
18:42Why don't we just buy them a Wetherspoons breakfast every day?
18:47In order to get the cow catering underway,
18:49Charlie had ordered in a giant rural Magimix.
18:53Heya.
18:54How you doing, mate?
18:55Yeah, good.
18:56How are you?
18:57James.
18:58Hi there.
18:59Jeremy, how are you?
19:00James, how are you doing?
19:01So, it's like a big hoover.
19:02Suck your barley in.
19:03Suck your rake meal in.
19:04Mixes it all up.
19:05There's organs in the centre.
19:06It mixes it in there?
19:07And then molasses to go in, as well.
19:14That is so satisfying.
19:16Look at this all day.
19:17I love the idea of cooking with a lorry.
19:27Gordon Ramsay, Marco Poy, Angus Steakhouse, they don't cook with lorries.
19:32And there it is.
19:33Cow food.
19:34At feeding time later that afternoon, we added in the brewer's grain, and dinner was served.
19:49Hello, cows.
19:50This is it.
19:51Mmm.
19:52Delicious.
19:53Look.
19:54Yes, look at that.
19:55Eat it up.
19:56Look.
19:57Look.
19:58How delicious is that, with the molasses in it?
20:00I can see them getting fatter and fatter.
20:01They love it, though.
20:02They really do love it.
20:03Over at the pub, nearly every surface you could walk on was out of the pub.
20:08So I headed outside to clear the undergrowth with my favourite companion.
20:26Oh, there you go.
20:29Yes, the emotional support unit is back.
20:33And he's hungry.
20:36Sadly, though, my therapy session was cut short by Sue and Rachel, who called me in
20:43for an urgent chat.
20:45Well, first on our list, covering the deck with some jumbarellas.
20:51We needed to sign it off about 40 minutes ago to guarantee the jumbarellas arriving.
20:56How much are the jumbarellas?
20:57These are the big umbrellas.
20:58Yeah, three enormous umbrellas to cover the entire deck.
21:01Yeah.
21:02Approximately £40,000.
21:03Including electrics, lighting, future-proofing, ready for three-phase if we ever get it.
21:08We have spoken to Alan about it, but not installation.
21:11Sorry.
21:12You're saying words.
21:13£40,000 for three umbrellas?
21:15Yeah.
21:16They're massive.
21:17£40,000 for three umbrellas?
21:18Yep.
21:19If you didn't cover the terrace and it was raining, no-one could eat there.
21:22I'm well aware that we need umbrellas.
21:23I know that.
21:24But I really genuinely believe that's nuts.
21:28What we were trying to avoid was having...
21:30Because we could cover that deck a lot more cheaply with more of a parasol-type situation.
21:34But given the size of the deck, we would need probably 50.
21:39So it would sort of just look like a sea of umbrellas.
21:41Plus the table's probably that shape.
21:44The brolly's round in the middle.
21:45Yeah.
21:46Lovely bit of sun.
21:47So Sue's getting soaking wet.
21:48Rachel's in.
21:49You're wet.
21:50Yeah.
21:51End of.
21:52How have I reached this point of life?
21:53Have you come round to the brollies?
21:54No, you said it.
21:55No, I just cannot believe.
21:56I'm 64 and somebody's just said to me, in all seriousness, oh, by the way, the umbrellas
21:59are £40,000.
22:00What a f***ing golf GTI for that?
22:02Did you sort of hope that the purchase of the pub might be the...
22:05I just thought I'd put a new bar in and open it up.
22:07That's probably the one thing you don't really need.
22:09That bar's fine.
22:10Um...
22:11We haven't told you how much the furniture is yet.
22:13Yeah.
22:14Lisa saw some lovely stuff.
22:15Yeah, and how much?
22:17£40,000.
22:18Yeah.
22:19OK, where are we on the umbrellas?
22:22You're going to have to give me an hour to think about it.
22:27OK, fine.
22:29With the budget being blown to smithereens, I went outside to have a catch-up with Alan.
22:36This is amazing, this stuff, isn't it?
22:37It's brilliant, isn't it?
22:38You try it, look.
22:39You really can't fall over, can you?
22:41No.
22:42Well, unless you're pissed.
22:44Right, do you want the good news or the bad?
22:45I know it's a beautiful view.
22:47What?
22:48It's f***ing gone up double, hasn't it?
22:50What has?
22:51This.
22:52Over double.
22:53Because of that.
22:54What?
22:55Yeah, I'm sorry.
22:56Are you kidding?
22:57No, I'm not kidding.
22:58It's going to be over £40,000 now from the £20,000.
23:02But we've got no option.
23:04They said anti-slip decking.
23:05We cannot do it without this kind of stuff, look.
23:07And that adds £20,000.
23:09Yeah.
23:10It's going to add about £16,000.
23:11Plus the labour's extra, plus everything's extra.
23:13The blades, you can't cut it.
23:14I have to keep buying blades.
23:15Right, well, OK, that settles this umbrella debate.
23:18Yeah, we're having them, not that.
23:19No, but hold on a minute.
23:20You know those sails that you have coming on?
23:21Yes.
23:22Yeah, yeah.
23:23Buildings.
23:24If you ran them from between...
23:26I'll show you, actually.
23:27If you ran the sails, if you mounted them between the top of the door and the drainpipe...
23:33Yes.
23:34If you put a slope on them...
23:35No, I'd go up.
23:36I'd put a pole here, you can go up, then go again.
23:39Then go again.
23:40Honestly, they've just put a sort of tented arrangement up at the three horseshoes in the village.
23:44OK.
23:45We've got to get them here and have a look, haven't we?
23:46See what they can do.
23:47Yeah.
23:48Clearly, the notion of opening the pub for £25,000 had been massively wide of the mark.
23:55But there was no time to dwell on that, because in my new role as human ping-pong ball,
24:00I had to bounce back to the farm where we'd just had a new crop of piglets.
24:05Holy shit!
24:08How'd she get more?
24:09An army of them.
24:10One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, and then one under there, ten.
24:16No casualties.
24:17Wow.
24:18Look at the way they just climb on it.
24:20Oh, my God.
24:21She's a great moment, isn't she?
24:22I can't believe this is tremendous news.
24:24Then we went over to see Richard Hamm, because Dilwin the vet had come up with a new plan for looking after him.
24:31So here's the situation.
24:34Richard Hamm is now old enough to start having to go on his sister, so we have to put him back in the boy pen.
24:38Good.
24:39Now, ah, but, Dilwin says, if we put him straight in the boy pen, they'll beat him up.
24:43They might even kill him.
24:44Oh.
24:45So he said, the only way around that is to build a little pen, which I've done here,
24:48and then, for company, give him the smallest boy, and Richard Hamm and his friend can live together in here, and they bond,
24:54then after a week you can release them and hopefully all will be well.
24:57Okay.
24:58All right, Richard.
24:59There's Richard Hamm.
25:00Perfect.
25:01Oh, well done, Kay.
25:04So now, Hamm is in there, okay?
25:06Let's just see.
25:07He'll be fine.
25:08Yeah, so these two will become friends, then after a week we'll put them back in here,
25:12and that one will protect Richard Hamm from being beaten up.
25:15The thing about Richard Hamm is he's such a cheerful little fellow.
25:18I know.
25:19He hasn't started riding a motorcycle yet or having fights in pubs.
25:21I love his little molecule.
25:22But he will.
25:23I don't mean...
25:24They seem to be perfectly happy.
25:25That one looks like a nice natured pig.
25:28Uh...
25:29Oh!
25:30Oh, what's...
25:31Problem?
25:32Oh!
25:33Richard!
25:34He's just standing there.
25:35It's his brother.
25:36And he's supposed to be in there to make Richard safe.
25:40Oh, my God.
25:41I've never seen that before.
25:43Deliverance was wrong.
25:45Piggies don't squeal.
25:47He just finished up.
25:49Okay, look.
25:50Jeremy, I think he's gonna get gang-raped if he stays with any of the boys.
25:53Well, he can't go with the girls.
25:54Well, at least he's not gonna get pregnant.
25:56Well, we haven't really cured anything here.
25:57No, no.
25:58We're gonna have to call Dilwin.
25:59What are you gonna say?
26:00I'm gonna say, what shall I do?
26:01There's a thing here.
26:02Have you ever heard of a free Martin?
26:03No.
26:04You've heard of a free Martin.
26:05Basically, if a cow has twins in it and gives birth to one boy, one girl, the girl comes
26:10out not knowing what sex it is.
26:13Now, what I'm saying is that little boy there moved his tail to one side thinking it was
26:16a girl.
26:17So, I wonder if there could have...
26:19It could actually be trans.
26:20Well, we've got trans pigs.
26:22Didn't he...?
26:23This is like being in a Labour Party executive committee meeting now.
26:26That's the thing!
26:27Can we be farmers just for a minute?
26:28He's got a prince.
26:29I am being a farmer.
26:30This is what happened.
26:31I always want to work on a farm, yeah?
26:32As Professor Cooper chanted on, Richard Hamm made another Houdini move and escaped
26:38into the main pen with all these brothers and cousins.
26:41So, I got on the phone with Dilwin.
26:44So, Richard Hamm, I did as you suggested.
26:47I built a little pen in the corner of the boy pen for him.
26:49Got another boar, put it in there, then put Richard Hamm in with that boy.
26:53Yeah.
26:54And within a minute, the other boar brutally raped him.
26:57Right.
26:58Right.
26:59I think, basically, they were just being adolescent boys, aren't they, really?
27:02And they're just...
27:03Oh, no.
27:04Well, no.
27:05Dilwin, I don't know how things were in Wales, but in Yorkshire.
27:07I never thought...
27:08At no point did it cross my mind.
27:10And now Richard Hamm was now with all the other boars.
27:13And is he getting beaten up over there?
27:15No, not yet, but...
27:16The way that I would trade with him, wait to see what happens now is with a big group.
27:20Because if he's okay with a big group, that's a problem sorted, right?
27:23All right.
27:24Thanks mate.
27:25Cheers.
27:26Bye.
27:29Fortunately, my next animal job was much more straightforward, because it involved the goats.
27:35Who, for the last few weeks, had been in their training pasture, getting used to their
27:39high-tech, invisible fence.
27:42Right.
27:43Here's the pasture.
27:44Okay.
27:45This is where they are.
27:46There you go, look.
27:47That's Elon's death rays keeping them where we want them to be.
27:52Right, come on goats.
27:53Are you ready?
27:54I'm ready.
27:55Now they were fully compliant though, I could release them to do the job I'd bought them
27:59for in the first place.
28:00Come on goats.
28:02Come on goats.
28:03Which was to clear the brambles in all the inaccessible parts of the farm.
28:08It turns out goats are really good on a hill.
28:10That's kind of the point.
28:13So this is it.
28:14Now we're on operation clear where we would never ever be able to fence.
28:17Look at that in there.
28:18They're ravenous, aren't they?
28:19That's just goat paradise.
28:20How much of the area they got here then?
28:23Well.
28:24Look at the app.
28:25Have you got...
28:26I don't have the app.
28:27Look.
28:28It's only...
28:29It's a bit less than an acre.
28:30About a hectare rather.
28:31Yeah.
28:32Yeah.
28:33Because you want them to just graze certain areas down and then move them through.
28:36So it's like mob grazing.
28:37Yeah.
28:38But this is what we got them for.
28:39Yeah.
28:40Is to nail these brambles.
28:41And within, what, five minutes, that bramble bush is really in trouble.
28:46That's fantastic.
28:48Take off.
28:49Yeah.
28:50Yeah.
28:51So, I turned my attention back to the windmill, where I had a brainwave.
28:59So, I turned my attention back to the windmill, where I'd had a brainwave.
29:05It's only about 10 to 15 in the matter square.
29:08In order to highlight my pub's connection to farming, I would hang an old tractor from the ceiling.
29:15First, though, I wanted to get it modified.
29:19OK, I've got the tractor, and now I need to get it chromed and lightened.
29:24And I always think when you've got a job like that, you're better off giving it to a little man in the village.
29:28So, I've come to a village hundreds and hundreds of miles from civilisation,
29:33where there's a very little man who's going to do the work for me.
29:38There he is.
29:40Mate!
29:41Hello!
29:42Welcome.
29:43This is... this is it?
29:45Yeah.
29:46That's a 35.
29:47I know it is.
29:48That's a really nice tractor.
29:49This is, of course, where you look. It's called modern, isn't it?
29:52People coming out here and going,
29:54Look at this, look at this, that internal combustion.
29:56We have worse than this time.
29:57We have worse than this turn up for restoration.
29:59We're not Welsh.
30:00It is Wales.
30:01It's not Wales.
30:02I crossed the M5 about four hours ago.
30:05The M5 isn't the boundary between...
30:06It is the board.
30:07It isn't...
30:08It's not Welsh people on one side of the M5 and English with bows and arrows on the other.
30:11But it is.
30:12Once we'd sorted out several hundred years of politics and geography, we got back to my tractor.
30:18So, we've got to get it down to under 750 kilograms. Right, I'll pull the roof down.
30:22If we take all the internals out, everything, prop shafts, everything.
30:26And then chrome the bonnet and the wheel archers.
30:30Which bits do you want to chrome?
30:31The red bits.
30:32Oh, right.
30:33So you don't want to chrome all these bits?
30:34No.
30:35I think that should be hammerite.
30:37Black.
30:38Well, you know that...
30:39What's...
30:40Is it hammerite?
30:41Hammerite is a tough one.
30:42It's your world, this.
30:43It is.
30:44This is so weird.
30:45That's your world now and that's my world.
30:47I know.
30:48No, you've got to get this done before panto season starts.
30:50Does that mean the customer...
30:52So when are you off to Swindon?
30:54I'm not going to... I'm not.
30:55You are.
30:56You know you're in the show.
31:01In what way?
31:02Oh, in a big way.
31:03But how can I be in here?
31:04You haven't... I haven't done anything yet.
31:05No, you have.
31:06But you just don't know you have.
31:07Your contribution...
31:08Right.
31:09...is immense.
31:10I've got to be honest with you.
31:11Immense.
31:12And in some ways, not dignified.
31:15Right.
31:16Once the tractor was off, the conversation turned to my least favourite topic.
31:21Right.
31:22Do you want to talk prices and budget?
31:23I know.
31:24It's filthy money.
31:25In a pub, everything costs too much money.
31:27Good, good.
31:28Well, we can keep up with it.
31:29Yeah.
31:30I mean, are we talking hundreds, thousands, tens of thousands or millions?
31:32Tens thousands.
31:33Tens?
31:34I'd probably be up to, like, twenty.
31:35No, but twenty...
31:36What, to chrome it?
31:38What?
31:39Yeah, strip it all down, take all the gubbins out from the inside.
31:41That'll have been sheened.
31:42I could have done it.
31:43Twenty thousand pounds to paint a tractor.
31:45Well, the point is, as your bank balance is taking a bit of a beating,
31:48let's keep it going.
31:50Why give up?
31:51Then it'll have time to strengthen like that,
31:53and then it'll be resistant and it'll be harder to get anything out of it.
31:55Whereas now it's floppy and weak and wounded.
31:57Be sensible.
31:58Be sensible.
31:59Otherwise I will be on the front row at the Wyvern.
32:02I'm not doing panto.
32:03And I will be making observations about your performance as buttons.
32:05I'm not doing panto.
32:06How much is the paint?
32:07The paint's going to be at least three grand a litre.
32:10A litre?
32:11A litre?
32:12A litre for chrome paint, yeah.
32:13Why didn't you tell me before I set off
32:14that it was going to be more than the GDP of most European countries?
32:17Because then you might not have come.
32:18Well, wouldn't I?
32:19Now you have and you've brought the tractor.
32:20So, basically you've lowered your plums into my advice.
32:23And I've nipped it up a little bit.
32:25And now...
32:26If I was a...
32:27If this was a normal farmer coming, then you wouldn't be saying twenty thousand pounds.
32:30Well, what normal farmer would chrome his tractor, you'd pillock?
32:37Since we were now only five weeks from opening,
32:40I was forced to agree to buttons as terms.
32:44On the good news front, though, Sue and Rachel had found me a chef.
32:49His name was Nick, and like them,
32:51he had vast experience of getting pubs up and running.
32:56How many pubs have you opened? Restaurants?
32:58Ten.
32:59So, you've got a place in Stratford.
33:00Yeah.
33:01But you can come and help us get this one going.
33:03Oh, yeah, 100%. The place in Stratford runs...
33:05It runs with just me overseeing.
33:07At the moment...
33:08Worryingly, Nick then pointed out that getting my pub open
33:11would be harder than any of the others he'd done in the past.
33:15What fills me with living dread is...
33:18The initial conversation I had with you is you have 17 cows,
33:20you want to sell them in the pub.
33:22It's how we sell those cows.
33:23What?
33:24We can't sell them at all of their constituent parts.
33:27Why can't we just...
33:29No.
33:30If you're going to serve 300, 350 people here in one day,
33:33we can't hold 20 portions...
33:35So, you've got it in beef heart?
33:3620 portions of shit as beef.
33:37Box stuff.
33:3820 portions...
33:39We end up with a menu of 100 dishes,
33:40which is, like, completely unachievable.
33:42So, on a regular rolling basis,
33:44we need to be serving one cut from a cow.
33:46Now, what are you doing with the rest of the cow?
33:47So, hold on...
33:48Oh, God.
33:49This is complicated.
33:50So, if we bring a cow...
33:51If we slaughter a cow, take it to the butchers...
33:53Well, what I'd want is parts of that cow in large quantities
33:56for a finite period of time.
33:57For one week, we'd be serving rump steaks.
33:59So, for that week, all I want are rump steaks.
34:01The following week, we can change the menu.
34:03We can switch.
34:04We can move on to a slow-cooked feather-bladed beef.
34:06But, again, all I want for a week is the feather-blade cut.
34:09The kitchen operation has to be simple.
34:12People need to be served reasonably quickly,
34:14both for their own enjoyment, but also for your business.
34:16To turn...
34:17You feed people, you turn the table.
34:19This has really worried me now,
34:20because I thought if we got 50 farmers around the country,
34:23we said, we'll take your beef.
34:24Yeah.
34:25We'd have enough to feed 50,000 people.
34:27But what we're actually doing is only taking one thing.
34:30I mean, at the farm shop with the burger van there,
34:33we just mince everything.
34:34Yeah. Fill it.
34:35The whole lot goes in there.
34:36Which is not commercially viable in a pub.
34:38Nobody who owns a pub anywhere is mincing a fillet.
34:41It's commercial suicide.
34:43And then, but what actually do you do with the rest of the cow?
34:46Exactly. Well, that...
34:47To a certain extent, that's not my problem.
34:49That's your problem.
34:50Because this is your idea of how to run the business.
34:54No, but it's my idea based on absolutely no knowledge whatsoever.
34:58It's becoming clear.
34:59The concept of serving the nose-to-tail of your cows in this pub does not work.
35:05So, two weeks earlier, Sue and Rachel had given me a big problem.
35:12You know we're going to put a shop in here?
35:14What?
35:15Lisa's shop.
35:16We need that area. We've got so much to store.
35:19And now Nick had handed me one that was even bigger.
35:24I urgently needed to sort these things out.
35:27But I didn't have time.
35:29Go on then. Go on.
35:30Because I had to get back to the farm to weigh the cows.
35:33Is it the weight scales then?
35:34Can you set it up?
35:35To make sure their new diet was making them fatter.
35:38Start session. Look.
35:40What's the ideal slaughter weight for them?
35:42Roughly between about 650.
35:44Okay.
35:45Here we go.
35:46Go on then.
35:49What's the hitter?
35:50105, 386.
35:53And that one weighs 468.
35:56He's lost weight.
35:57Eh?
35:58As the weighing went on, I realised this wasn't a one-off.
36:02What was the weight?
36:03462.
36:04He's lost two kilograms.
36:06Fucking hell.
36:07Go on.
36:08472kg.
36:09Right.
36:10That's lost four kilograms.
36:11Why are they losing weight?
36:12There we go.
36:13490.
36:14That's only put on one kg.
36:1515 days.
36:16It's put on one kilogram.
36:17Oh, shit in hell.
36:18Minus seven.
36:19Minus 14 there, look.
36:20Go on.
36:21Nobody's going to be eating these any time soon, are they?
36:22No.
36:23That's not good.
36:24No.
36:25That's not good.
36:26No.
36:27No.
36:28No.
36:29No.
36:30No.
36:31No.
36:32No.
36:33No.
36:34No.
36:36What are we going to do with you?
36:41They've worked out that if they get fat they go off to market.
36:45So they've given themselves bulimia.
36:49Shit.
36:51It turned out that shit actually was the issue.
36:54Because Dylan said their new superfood was giving them diarrhea.
36:58You're giving them too much high-powered food
37:01and it's just basically going straight through them.
37:03them so it's like me having a vandaloo really what you're feeding them isn't doing any good
37:07because you're coming straight out the backside then with the harvest looming we went on a crop
37:14walk and that was a disaster as well oh my god is that a slug oh shit no that's not good that is
37:22not good you've got ergot in your wheat that is a hallucinogenic fungus growing in the wheat
37:28bravely i left caleb and charlie to deal with the lsd in our wheat and our bulimic cows
37:37and went back to the pub to sit in the sunshine with a glass of thinking juice
37:43to sort out the problems there
37:45and eventually i had a brainwave
37:54tent what was needed was an urgent call to the grand tour's mr willman
38:05i call him reg don't ask roy hello reg
38:08yeah uh you know the grand tour tent yeah do you know where do you know where it is
38:16well it's in a warehouse i mean yes it's tucked away in a warehouse i mean we can't get rid of it
38:22with the vast grand tour tent erected on the pub's lawn we not only have somewhere for leases shop
38:30but also space for a butcher's and danny's burger van so i could sell the cuts of meat not needed in
38:36the pub's kitchen that transfer it to there and there all in the same operation yeah so when a cow
38:41comes here all of this is used this is the right direction definitely what i'm saying yeah that is
38:46good yes
38:47the grand tour tent
38:58that's a shitload of tent
39:02fuck it out
39:04is that the whole thing that was another life
39:06what
39:08now just four weeks before opening we were finally back on track
39:21here we go we're on how do you feel about an antler chandelier in the car every room
39:36you
39:50you
39:51you
39:55you
39:57you
39:59you
40:01you