- 6/2/2025
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Short filmTranscript
00:00It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV.
00:06But where are those good old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?
00:13Lucky is a family guy. Lucky is a man who wants to keep his hand in.
00:20All the things that make us laugh and cry.
00:23He's a family guy.
00:30Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.
00:34The hot new reality dating show, Sex Farm, is coming to Quahog.
00:38Contestants conceal their identities by dressing as farm animals in hopes of finding love.
00:43Auditions are being held all week at the long, empty Miramax offices downtown.
00:48Imagine naming a company after your mother and then molesting everyone who comes in.
00:52Auditions? Maybe I can meet my person.
00:55Your person? Oh, is your person a good human?
00:58You're gonna post your engagement ring with, so this just happened?
01:02You're gonna hashtag van life? You're gonna get murdered in Florida?
01:05No one's gonna look for you, you basic white bitch.
01:08This is gonna be awesome. I'm gonna try out.
01:10Well, good luck. I hope your reality show goes better than mine did.
01:14This season on Alone, 12 contestants will be dropped in the wilderness.
01:18Remember, you're on camera, so don't masturbate.
01:21Remember, you're on camera, so don't masturbate.
01:23Remember, you're on camera, so don't masturbate.
01:25I didn't even make it to the ground.
01:31Thank you for coming in today, Meg.
01:33We're excited to see if you have what it takes to be on Sex Farm.
01:36Thanks. So, is there anything I need to do for this audition?
01:40No. Most of modern auditions is just us going through all your old tweets to see if there are any racist or homophobic slurs.
01:45Now, I see you've never retweeted Bo and Yang.
01:50Why?
01:51I see that I was wrong, and I now understand comedy is mostly about getting angry at funny things.
01:59You're in.
02:00This season on Sex Farm, we're in Quahog, Rhode Island, with an all-new cast of horny livestock.
02:11What's going on, guys? It's me, Cory, from Cory's World.
02:14After being virally ambushed while screaming at my stepmom in a Walmart,
02:18I've taken a demotion from YouTube to network television.
02:21And I am totally less profitably stoked to be your host tonight on Sex Farm.
02:27Let's get to know these filthy animals.
02:30No middle-aged spinster here. I'm just a frisky little pussycat.
02:37I'm here because sleeping in a barn is preferable to an unfurled wrestling mat.
02:42I'm ready to swine and dine.
02:44Oink, oink, boink, boink.
02:48Yuck.
02:49The herd will decide who stays to continue their journey for love and who gets put out to pasture.
02:54All part of the barn dance here on Sex Farm, where our pronouns are ye and haw.
03:00I-I don't get that.
03:10Hey there. Nice ass.
03:13I'm wondering if you're down for some pork-in.
03:15Oh my, that's going right at it, isn't it?
03:18Sorry, little piggy. I think youse is slopping at the wrong trough.
03:21Oh, uh, sorry.
03:24Oh, hey there. Nice ass.
03:27I'm wondering if you're down for some pork-in.
03:29I had to take 80 milligrams of Thorazine because I'm having a claustrophobic freak-out in here.
03:34So, pass.
03:35Wow. You really packed that away in a hurry.
03:45Thanks. I may be dressed like a pig, but I have two stomachs like a cow.
03:50You're funny.
03:51That's not really a joke. I'm not expected to lift past 40.
03:54Looks like I made it just under the wire.
03:56I'm only 18.
03:58Oh, your Liberty Mutual tote bag threw me off.
04:00It's how I carry my loose fruit.
04:02I like you. You don't try very hard.
04:04Oh, I'm trying very hard.
04:10What's going on, guys? It's your boy, Cory.
04:12Be sure to check me out on Cameo.
04:14The producer said I couldn't mention it, but I'm betting they don't even watch the show.
04:18So, a big part of finding love on the farm is having our contestants go on dates
04:22and then be surprised by a musical act you've never heard of.
04:26I couldn't believe it.
04:27We walked around the corner and there was Barton James.
04:31Won't you hold my hand?
04:35Oh, my God.
04:36I love this song.
04:37I understand.
04:40Barton James and a girl in a pig mask?
04:43Yeah, it was a pretty good day.
04:48Check it out, guys.
04:49Barton James' new album, Country Girl, is now available exclusively on Deezer.
04:54We had to say that or he wouldn't show up.
04:56Devout Christian Barton James was unvaccinated and a general pain in the ass to deal with.
05:02What's going on, guys?
05:04Dates have ended and it's almost time to find out who's got the heat and who's being turned into meat.
05:09Fan favorite The Cow is recovering nicely from his panic attack at Group Coop.
05:13I don't really care if I fall in love.
05:15I just need to be done with this show, like, as soon as possible.
05:19I haven't taken a normal breath in three days.
05:24Guys, if you or someone you know is struggling with anxiety or depression, go to sexfarm-bummedout.com.
05:32Wildcard's pig and chicken really hit it off at the Group Feces bath.
05:35Let's see if their connection continues on their mandatory reality show helicopter ride.
05:40I really like spending time with you.
05:51You're so spontaneous.
05:52I really like you, too.
05:54And I'm sorry for that fart you're gonna smell.
05:57I knew you wouldn't hear it, but I didn't think it was gonna be as bad as it was.
06:01I actually did hear it.
06:02And I think I might be falling in love with you.
06:05Hey, guys!
06:09What was the one rule I had?
06:11No farting in the helicopter.
06:13No farting in the helicopter.
06:14I killed Bin Laden.
06:16Now I'm doing this.
06:22Before we find out which couple will be the first put out to pasture,
06:25we're gonna put up a QR code that's a direct link to Deezer,
06:28where you can hear Bart and James' duet with Kyle Rittenhouse
06:32and the first eliminated couple is
06:36pig and chicken,
06:40which means fan-favorite cow remains on the farm.
06:45I told producer Josh I desperately want to go home.
06:49Pig and chicken, turn in your hay and head to the slaughterhouse.
06:52Hey, I'm sorry I dragged you down.
07:04And I'm sorry I embarrassed you in front of Bethany Frankel.
07:07That was Bethany Frankel?
07:09I thought it was a scarecrow.
07:10Well, the crows were scared.
07:12Is she gone?
07:14I don't know.
07:14I mean, I want the corn,
07:16but I don't want to have to hear about how much trouble she's having dating.
07:19Well, I guess this is it.
07:20It was nice while it lasted.
07:24Wait, pig!
07:26Yes?
07:27I don't even know your name.
07:28I'm Meg.
07:30I'm just worried you won't be as attracted to me when I take this off.
07:34You're dressed like a pig.
07:35I'll take my chances.
07:40I was right.
07:41You are prettier than a pig.
07:43Your turn.
07:44And I don't care what you look like under that mask.
07:46That's good because I'm a chicken.
07:50My name is Nugget.
08:01Wait a minute.
08:02You're not related to the giant chicken, are you?
08:04He's my dad.
08:06What is it, Peter?
08:10I forgot to go to college.
08:15Oh, Meg, there you are.
08:17Sit down.
08:18We're watching Sex Farm.
08:19Have you seen it?
08:20Mom, I was on it.
08:21I was the pig.
08:23What?
08:23Yeah, I don't remember that either.
08:24But check it out.
08:25The cow escaped, and then a fan vote brought him back.
08:28They caught him hiding on one of those Chick-fil-A billboards.
08:31Once again, please stop voting for me.
08:34This is a cry for help.
08:35I swear to God, I'll jump.
08:37That guy is so funny.
08:38I'm going to vote for him a hundred times.
08:40Well, hop on.
08:41Where are you going all dolled up?
08:44What?
08:44Oh, that is not offensive to dolls.
08:46Stop trying to make yourself angry.
08:48I have a date.
08:49With who?
08:51Um, nobody, you know.
08:52See you later.
08:54She's dating again?
08:55Whatever happened to that illusionist she was seeing?
08:58I never left, Peter.
09:00Wow.
09:00Wait, why are you still here?
09:02Well, I'm an illusionist, so I'm either homeless or I have a $100 million residency in Las Vegas.
09:08Oh, my God.
09:09The cow is really going to jump.
09:10You made me do this.
09:12This is on you, Producer Josh.
09:15I'm all right.
09:16I landed just so.
09:21It's so cool learning about your world.
09:24So, okay, tell me this.
09:25Is Colonel Sanders like your Adolf Hitler?
09:27No, the colonel is an honest man.
09:29Our Adolf Hitler is Kenny Rogers with his stupid Kenny Rogers roasters.
09:34Kenny Rogers?
09:35The gambler?
09:35Oh, no.
09:37Not the gambler.
09:38He was the narrator who met up with the gambler and then shared things he had learned from the gambler.
09:43But at no point was the gambler.
09:45Well, all I know is that he looked like he was 40 from the time he was 20 until the time he was 90.
09:50And died unable to close his eyes, yes.
09:52Now, how about that picnic?
09:54When a girl loves a chicken
09:59Can't keep her mind on nothing else
10:04She's written the world for the good things she's found
10:08When a girl loves a chicken
10:15I know exactly how she feels
10:23Oh, that was the best night's sleep I've had in ages.
10:39I love you, Meg.
10:40And not just because you have Egg in your name.
10:42I love you too, Nugget.
10:44I want to keep seeing you, but what if our dads find out?
10:47I guess we'll have to live a lie.
10:49Like George Santos.
10:50Hi, I'm gay, straight, Jewish, Nazi, George Santos.
10:54And I approve this message.
10:55Which is to say, it's the worst thing that's happened to me since I died on 9-11.
10:59Good morning, night.
11:00This was written 18 months ago, new lies not included.
11:09Nugget, what are you doing here?
11:10I was in the neighborhood and thought we could Netflix and chill or Peacock and...
11:14Peacock!
11:15Somehow we don't have Seinfeld or friends and we can't show you the Cosby Show.
11:19Hey, Meg, can you give me a hand clasping these Mystic Team medallions?
11:23I have an event.
11:23Who's your fine feathered friend?
11:25Dad, this is my boyfriend, Nugget.
11:27His father is the giant chicken.
11:30That's it, young lady.
11:32No Peacock for a month.
11:33No Peacock?
11:34But where will I watch the Croods?
11:36That's not my problem.
11:38Peacock!
11:38I don't think we have the West Wing either.
11:44Of all the chickens Meg could have chosen, she had to choose that one.
11:47Now, Peter, you gotta back off.
11:49My father never stopped berating me when I was dating you,
11:52so as an act of defiance, I married you just to spite him.
11:55That seems irrelevant.
11:57I don't know, Lois.
11:58It feels like I've lost my daughter.
12:00Which means I have two sons.
12:02If I'm lucky, they'll join the army,
12:03and I'll be notified that they both died on the same day.
12:05Your two sons died getting their heads shaved at orientation.
12:20They didn't even make it to the barracks.
12:22Oh, the cost of freedom!
12:24Here's a flag we didn't bother to fold.
12:26I really want to thank you for inviting me to dinner, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin.
12:35Hey, Nugget, you ever seen that video of Fabio getting hit in the face by a goose?
12:39It's hilarious.
12:40Not for the goose.
12:41She was killed.
12:42Oh, then that's doubly funny.
12:44Fabio's got a bloody nose and a bird is dead.
12:46Mr. Griffin, that goose had a name.
12:48It was Evelyn, and she had 23 children.
12:51Here, let me show you her GoFundMe page.
12:53What's your guy's Wi-Fi password?
12:55It's chickens are scum and then 22 exclamation points.
12:58It's on a bulletin board for when we Airbnb the house.
13:01Peter, we are not Airbnb in the house.
13:03Eh, it might be too late for that.
13:05Hey, is there any soap in the upstairs bathroom?
13:07If you read the PDF, it said you had to bring your own soap.
13:10Well, I'll just use the shampoo with soap.
13:12He's a medical student.
13:14You know, you guys are being very rude to my boyfriend.
13:16I love him.
13:17I've had enough.
13:19Meg, I'm giving you an old tomato.
13:21And a final demand or statement of terms,
13:23the rejection of which will result in retaliation
13:26or a permanent cessation of relations.
13:28You either break up with him or you break up with me.
13:30You can't date us both.
13:32Dad, you and I aren't dating.
13:33Oh, so you've made your choice then.
13:35Well, I'd like my tomato back.
13:38I'll pack my bags.
13:40What bags?
13:41She literally owns nothing.
13:43Guys, before I go, I have one thing to say.
13:49Is this a pause the last of us type of conversation
13:52or can I uh-huh my way through this?
13:54Peter, turn it off.
13:55Uh-huh.
13:56If you don't accept Nugget, you don't accept me.
13:58I'm moving in with him.
14:00You know what the British are gonna call us?
14:02Meg's it.
14:02They're a clever little island.
14:04Meg, please don't go.
14:06You're my only daughter
14:07and I can't imagine living without you.
14:09Plus, I need your vote to keep a billy bass
14:11out of our living room.
14:12I'm sorry, Mom.
14:13My decision has been made.
14:14Goodbye.
14:16Well, now seems like a good time
14:18to reopen the billy bass vote.
14:20All in favor, say aye.
14:21Aye.
14:22All opposed?
14:23Nay.
14:24Present.
14:24Coward.
14:25Billy bass approved.
14:28Billy, what do you think Meg's gonna say
14:30to the Uber driver?
14:31Take me to the river
14:33Drop me in the water
14:37Ah, we are thriving without Meg.
14:42Is something wrong, Peter?
14:45You barely touched our food.
14:47I heard from Bonnie that Meg moved out of the house
14:49and Lois could never breastfeed.
14:51What?
14:51How'd you hear that?
14:52Oh, Bonnie subscribes to a service
14:54that alerts her anytime another mom fails.
14:56That's wild.
14:57I know.
14:58Donna gives Cleveland Jr. unlimited video game time,
15:01but Peter, isn't it weird with Meg out of the house?
15:04Nah, it's fine.
15:05Although we got a lot more mice around the house now.
15:08Mice?
15:08Yeah, Meg handled all our rodent problems.
15:10She used to just squeeze them and pop their heads off.
15:13All except one that she'd leave alive
15:14to run and go tell the story to the others.
15:17Meg's a nice girl.
15:18Yeah, when I remodeled my house,
15:19Meg hauled away all the discarded insulation.
15:22Don't know what she did with it.
15:22Oh, yeah, Meg's great.
15:24She sold me a ton of insulation, super cheap.
15:26Oh, my God, you guys are right.
15:28This one time, Meg fell down the stairs
15:30and she broke her clavicle.
15:34You guys, I think I miss Meg.
15:39What?
15:40Was there going to be more to the story about the stairs?
15:42What do you say we go to the giant chicken's house
15:44and get my daughter back?
15:46I'm in.
15:46Let's do it.
15:47So the laughing was because your daughter hurt herself?
15:52Honey, did you order a fat bag of crap?
16:00Stand aside.
16:01I'm here to get my daughter back.
16:03She's not coming with you.
16:04She's perfectly happy here.
16:06Are you sure?
16:07We can make this worth your while.
16:08We're prepared to trade Brittany Griner.
16:10Hey, stop trading me.
16:12I just want to play basketball.
16:14And smoke weed, apparently.
16:15I wasn't smoking it.
16:16I was just carrying it.
16:17Whatever.
16:18I'm still mad we traded for you
16:20instead of that other guy
16:20whose name I had never heard of
16:22and can no longer remember.
16:23Yeah, the poor guy.
16:25Bring him home, whatever his name is.
16:27Dad, what are you doing here?
16:28Meg, this nonsense has to stop.
16:31You're a griffin.
16:32And it's time to, uh...
16:34Do your neighbors always have that bounce house?
16:37Or is it a special occasion?
16:39I really don't know.
16:40Okay, yeah, but Meg, I mean it.
16:41We all miss you.
16:42And oh, a heavy lady's rolling into it.
16:44Probably the aunt who likes to have fun.
16:46Wow, her face got red quick.
16:48Dad, I told you.
16:50Nugget and his family treat me better
16:51than you guys ever did.
16:53And I won't be coming home.
16:55Dad?
16:56It's an Iron Man house.
16:58Okay, you know what?
16:59I think we need to regroup here.
17:00We're sorry to have bothered you.
17:04I squashed a boy.
17:05Oh, come on, cheer up, Peter.
17:13Look, the best thing to do
17:14to put all this Meg drummer behind us
17:16is a fun family activity
17:18that we can all do together.
17:19You know, I was supposed to be here today anyway,
17:21but then Tyler canceled his birthday party.
17:24Ice cream sundae bar
17:26with Harry Bow brand gummy bears?
17:28Tyler!
17:29Tyler!
17:30Tyler!
17:30Hey, Ty.
17:32Guess we got our wires crossed, huh?
17:33It was a numbers thing.
17:38I think his parents made him
17:39invite the T-Ball kids.
17:42All right, Dad!
17:43Yeah!
17:43Woo-hoo!
17:44Yes!
17:46I've lost my daughter.
17:48Come on, gang.
17:49Group selfie for the family Instagram account.
17:52Everybody say seeds!
17:55Seeds!
17:56Griffin, what do you want?
18:02Um, I, uh...
18:04Meg, do you have a flat dollar bill
18:06for the change machine?
18:08I want it to play the arcades.
18:09We don't play the arcades.
18:11Nerds.
18:11Because we have stand-up games
18:13in our basement rec room.
18:14Aw!
18:15Guess you'll just have to make do
18:17with your crinkled ones.
18:18Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
18:26Huh?
18:33Huh?
18:35honey the scattered grain is delicious you outdid yourself well don't thank me
18:55thank the good people at Monsanto who make delicious grain that's packed with antidepressants
19:00and steroids I'm so glad you decided to come live with us Meg me too but I couldn't help feel a
19:07little sorry for my dad at the bowling alley he bowled with the lane guards up without the
19:11jeopardy of a gutter ball what is bowling he just has his own way of doing things yeah the wrong way
19:18honey no she knows that's why she left no I left because I love your son not because I hate my dad
19:25Meg either you hate your dad or you leave this house an old tomato you're just like him
19:32what did you say you're just like him
19:37wait I can't hit you you're a girl
19:46oh Meg I'm so happy you realize your place is here at home with your father it really wasn't that
20:12it's just all my stuff is here what stuff also turns out Nugget's gay I saw his text and it's all
20:18tiny cocks Oh Nugget Nugget Fox Tuesday mass casualty incident protocol has been activated
20:30you ready on the season finale of Doc we get a great CT scan now what happened Michael
20:36I feel like you're gonna avoid me you can't waste your life over someone who doesn't really see you
20:42I screwed up everything so you gotta own it this is Dixon I bet you not to do this
20:50Doc season finale this Tuesday on Fox
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