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00:00I was just 16 when I appeared on X Factor
00:04and suddenly became known to so many people
00:07and though I didn't realise it then
00:10within four years I would be an alcoholic
00:13Thankfully I'm in active recovery
00:17but the number of alcohol related deaths among women in Northern Ireland
00:21is at an all time high
00:23and increasing faster here than anywhere else in the UK
00:30With medical experts expressing alarm
00:33at the increase in consumption of alcohol by young women
00:36alcohol abuse is costing the public here
00:39a staggering £900 million every year
00:42Hey guys, so I'm working on a really, really exciting project
00:46My fans have been incredible
00:48through my continued journey out of addiction
00:50If you are in active addiction, recovery, concerned about your drinking
00:55or just rethinking your relationship with alcohol
00:58then please hit me up
01:00But why are so many young women coming to alcohol abuse?
01:04What are their stories?
01:06And what can they do to fight their addictions?
01:09I want to reach out and discover what's happening with young women and alcohol
01:16You make me stay!
01:18What's your name?
01:20My name is Janet Devlin
01:22I'm 16 and I'm from Toronto in Northern Ireland
01:24How are you feeling about this?
01:26Nervous!
01:27There you are!
01:28This is the full X Factor edition I did back in 2011
01:48It's actually been so long since I watched this that I forgot just how much of a baby I was when I did it
01:59I didn't realise like 16 was that young to do a show like that
02:03It's a little bit funny
02:08From this feeling inside
02:12Your song?
02:13The song I still sing to this day, honest to God
02:15There's not a gig goes by where people don't ask for that
02:18You can literally see how petrified I am the whole way through this
02:29Oh my wee mummy
02:32Awww
02:33For me, the X Factor was in equal parts the best decision of my life
02:49And the hardest part of my life
02:54I was a child, I was 16
02:58And it was terrifying
03:01Like there's no way to prepare yourself for your life changing overnight
03:06There's no way to prepare yourself for
03:09Getting online abuse from adults
03:11It was hard
03:15You know, if I was to open up in those days and say
03:18Oh I'm really struggling, I actually really need help
03:22Or just admitting at the time that I really was struggling to
03:27You know, even be alive
03:29The dialogue around mental health wasn't there
03:32So I just never said it
03:36Kept it private, kept it buried deep down
03:39At the time of leaving the show and doing all of the gigs and touring and travelling
03:45Like I had good money at the time
03:49I drank it all
03:51So I started as someone who drank to overcome social anxiety
03:57To feel comfortable in my own skin
03:59You know, you're the life of the party kind of thing when you've had a drink
04:03But eventually it stops being fun
04:06You know, I drank myself out of fun, into dependence
04:10And ruined it for myself, essentially
04:12I just made my life a living hell
04:15And I made the life of everyone around me
04:18Who was trying to like work for me or work with me
04:22A living hell and a living misery as well
04:24I remember my mum cry screaming at me once
04:35Just being like, how does it feel to be 19 and be an alcoholic
04:43And she just, she was at her breaking point
04:46She was just waiting on the phone call
04:51To say that I'd passed away
04:53That now, as a sober person
04:59Is absolutely
05:01Just a disgusting and sad and terrifying thought
05:07And I can't imagine being a mother trying to navigate that world
05:10So that was the reality
05:13She was just waiting for that phone call
05:14Although my story feels unique to me
05:26I know that an increasing number of women have had similar experiences
05:29I've come to Bangor to meet 25-year-old Zoe
05:34Who was an addict by the time she was 18
05:36Hiya
05:39Hello, how are you?
05:40I'm good, thank you, how are you doing?
05:41Yeah, good, do you want to look good?
05:42Oh, thank you
05:43Where did your addiction story start?
05:48So I was quite young, about 13, 14, I started dabbling
05:53I came from a really strict school in England
05:57My mum moved me over here for a better way of life
06:01Yeah
06:02It just didn't go to plan
06:04No
06:05So it didn't, she always tried to do right by me, she did
06:08But she was very strict and very by the book
06:14And I think that's why I rebelled as much as I did
06:17Do you think the move had any impact on your drinking and using?
06:21Definitely
06:22Like I definitely tried to make myself likeable
06:26Yeah
06:27You know, to fit in
06:28Because I was the new girl
06:30You know, new girl in school, new girl in a different country
06:33You know, I was stripped away from everything and everyone that I ever knew
06:38It just got worse the older I got
06:42I completely flunked school
06:45That was when I then started on the legals
06:49So I was smoking legal highs, I was taking like microdots, legalese, going to raves
06:57And I was trying to forget the dark thoughts and the demons in my head
07:02And mask them with something that made me feel good
07:06And then that was when I went really downhill between 16, 17
07:13I was going between like sleeping rough friends sofas, stranger sofas
07:23And yeah, I'd done a bit of time on the streets
07:27I've had people walk past and spit on me
07:31I've had people walk past and kick me
07:33I've had, you know, just for the crack, just because they can, you know
07:37I've done unthinkable things like stealing and all
07:44And burnt so many bridges with people that you feel like you can't come back from
07:50Yeah, things can get quite dark and scary quite quick
07:57I look back now and I'm like, I don't know how I'm still alive, if I'm being honest
08:07We would have drank up on the pier, like up on these wee bits
08:11And then, but if we were going to take anything, we would have gone under there
08:16You would have actually gone under the bridge to use?
08:19Yeah
08:20To use?
08:21Yeah
08:22Wow
08:23See, because it's on the doorstep
08:24Yeah
08:25It's not the first time I've been down, you know, since
08:27Yeah
08:28But it's obviously the first time coming back and reminiscing about the bad times
08:33The good old days
08:34Yeah, they weren't really good, were they?
08:36Well, they were at the time, I think
08:38At the time, you think everything's good and everything's great
08:42It's not until you come out of it and you get the help and you realise, no, actually that was
08:47That was way worse than you could even explain to anyone, you know?
08:52I do have mental health problems, I have BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder
08:59Because I'm the same, I have the BPD
09:02Yeah
09:03I'm on anti-psychotics now, which sounds scary, yeah, but
09:10No, I know the feeling because I'm currently on anti-psychotics myself
09:13Yeah
09:14So, you know
09:15Whenever you're first told, like, you have to go on anti-psychotics, you're like, am I okay?
09:20Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, and yeah, it was, it was really, it was daunting, it was scary, but
09:27See, since being on them, I do feel like a different person
09:33I see things differently, I am not as irrational, I'm not as impulsive
09:41That's a big one
09:42Yeah
09:43When you've got mental health problems as well, which most people with addiction issues have
09:48I kind of do, yeah
09:49Yeah
09:50You're battling not only the addiction, but you're battling your mental health at the same time
09:55At the same time
09:56And it is just like
09:57You don't know what one to listen to
09:58Yeah
09:59But I've worked hard
10:01You have and it shows
10:02To get to where I am today
10:04And I'm glad it does show because, you know, for the first time in a good chunk of my life
10:14I'm able to say I'm proud of myself
10:16I've, you know, I've been free shit in the past, but I've, I've came out of it the other end
10:21You know, I've, I have and I've done it
10:24Yeah
10:25You know
10:26I'm almost fine
10:27Don't, you'll set me off
10:28Yeah
10:29Zoe's story has really struck a chord with me
10:35She's still such a young woman, but has already gone through some really tough times
10:40Above all, I'm impressed by her resilience and ability to ask for help at such a young age
10:46And the way she has faced up to issues around her mental health
10:49Something that, like me, she had to do in order to confront her addiction
10:54I got a message from a girl called Tamsyn
10:59Who has said, um, I don't know if you'll see this message
11:03But I've seen your post about addiction
11:05About telling people their stories
11:07My mommy also struggled with addiction, mainly alcoholism
11:10I live in Derry and I would love to tell you my story sometime
11:14Oh, she said, my mommy actually passed away this year on the 16th of January due to addiction
11:25That's really sad
11:26Hey Tamsyn
11:31Thanks so much for reaching out
11:36Love to talk
11:40So sorry to hear about your mum
11:52Do you want to talk?
11:53Yeah
11:56Since her mum died, 18-year-old Tamsyn has been helping her dad to raise her two younger sisters
12:02But I'm so glad she's reached out to me
12:05I actually messaged Janet
12:06I messaged her
12:07She said, like, I'm looking forward to meeting her
12:10And I didn't think she would get back to me, would she?
12:16I remember when she came on The X Factor
12:18And I actually sung your song
12:20By Elton John
12:21And oh my god
12:22I fell in love with it, you know
12:24Her voice singing that song with me
12:26It just matched so well
12:28And my mommy actually took me to The X Factor to her
12:32My mommy, like, always felt really bad
12:36Because she, uh, she had a wee fall
12:38Because she drunk a wee bit too much
12:40But that's the one that ate my mommy up too
12:42For doing that to me
12:44But, uh, I remember seeing Janet on The X Factor
12:48The box even smells like her
12:56I swear I can smell her
12:58I can smell her
12:59Her perfume
13:00My mommy only ever wanted three babies
13:06So, Olamay was our last wee child to be born
13:10Olamay's our wee baby
13:12My daddy's all smelly
13:14They have three years
13:16We were just all so happy
13:18Our family jigsaw was completed
13:20We were whole
13:22We had everything in
13:24The main thing we had was each other
13:26She tried countless times to get help
13:32When I went to rehab centres
13:35She went to a while out of counselling as well
13:38And I remember she saying to me too
13:40Loads and loads of times that
13:42I don't want to be this way
13:44And I just want to be sober
13:46I just don't want this kind of life
13:48A life that's so similar to hell
13:50I don't want it
13:58The last post she ever replied to
14:00On the 6th of January
14:01Was actually my post
14:03I wrote on her wall
14:04Love you, mommy
14:05And then she wrote wee hearts under it
14:07Four wee hearts and a wee ex
14:09I kept writing on her wall
14:11Just in case she grabbed her phone
14:13And was like looking for her Facebook
14:15And I put up another wee post
14:17Me and the two gayers love you
14:19More than you will ever know
14:21Our rock
14:22A wee picture of me and my sisters
14:23And my mommy
14:24And another one
14:26This is the 13th of January now
14:28Your gayers love you
14:29More than you know
14:30Just hoping she would see it
14:32And
14:33Something
14:34Something would change
14:35Just
14:37Something wouldn't happen
14:45The day my mommy died
14:47I got a phone call
14:49It was from my two cousins
14:51They were screaming on the phone
14:53Crying
14:54And
14:55They were all
14:56Think your mommy's dead
14:59So I jumped out of the car and ran down
15:01And I was over with my mommy
15:02I went down to the living room
15:06And there my mommy was
15:08Just sitting lifeless on the sofa
15:10And I just rushed over there
15:12And hugged her
15:13And
15:14Kissed her
15:15And
15:16I just couldn't believe it
15:17Like all my family sitting round her
15:19And
15:20Oh
15:21I don't want to have that life now
15:25When I have wings on my own
15:28I don't want my wings to see what I had to see
15:31Because I shouldn't have seen it
15:32I don't want to see what I've seen it
15:40Hiya
15:41Hi
15:42So nice to finally meet you
15:43You too
15:44How you doing?
15:45Good
15:46Hi, all good?
15:47Good
15:48So when it comes to addiction
15:50How do you feel towards it?
15:51Are you
15:52Angry at it?
15:54Are you upset at it?
15:55Like
15:56What's your main feeling
15:57When you think about
15:58What addiction's done to your life?
16:00I'm all kind of mixed emotions
16:02Some days I'll be angry
16:04Some days I'll be so upset
16:06But
16:07The main one is kind of anger
16:09Because it took my mommy
16:11You feel a wee bit out of sync with the world
16:13Like
16:14You don't know
16:15Like with my mommy going now
16:17It feels like you don't know your kind of purpose
16:19Because she's not here
16:21And
16:22I
16:23I just
16:24I don't find myself at all
16:25Yeah
16:26And what responsibilities have you been left now
16:28Since your mommy's passed away?
16:30My
16:31Two wee sisters
16:32Are my main
16:33Responsible
16:34They're
16:35Eleven and eight
16:36Wow
16:37Younger then?
16:38Aye
16:39Really young
16:40Didn't deserve what happened to them
16:42Yeah
16:43So what kind of alcoholic was
16:45Your mum?
16:46When I say about
16:48Seven or eight
16:49A weekend drink
16:50Or like
16:51Drinking a Saturday movie
16:52That ought we day
16:53And the weekdays
16:54If she wasn't doing anything
16:56Or had nothing to do
16:57But then
16:58It just progressed
16:59A bit more
17:00When she drunk
17:01It was hardcore
17:02She would
17:03Drink
17:04Falky
17:05Like
17:06Liter bottles
17:07Ten glasses
17:08And she would drink raw Falky
17:09To get that quicker hit
17:10Yeah
17:11She would barely mix it
17:12Do you ever just want
17:14To just have your childhood years back?
17:16Aye
17:17It's annoying
17:18Like I had to go up too quickly
17:19And even my mommy said that to me before
17:21When she was here
17:22Like she knows herself
17:23That I had to go up too quickly
17:25I shouldn't have like
17:26I had to see stuff
17:27That no one should see
17:29Yeah
17:30How did it feel for you
17:32To watch the damage your mum was doing
17:34Not only to your family
17:36But also like physically to herself?
17:39You just feel helpless
17:41You have to sit in the sight lines
17:43You know
17:44But you try and try with your love
17:46Sometimes your love just
17:48It can't make it happen
17:49It can't make her be the person you want her to be
17:51But I still showed my love anyway
17:54I was angry at times of course
17:56It was sad
17:57As I said again
17:59All mixed emotions
18:00When my mommy was drinking
18:01But the main thing I had to show was love still
18:04It's difficult to hear it from the other perspective
18:07And just how quickly you've had to grow up
18:10In comparison to me
18:12Just constantly trying to be a child
18:13And just drink myself silly
18:15Like it's
18:16It's really tough
18:17And I just really feel for you
18:19And like
18:20I don't even
18:22I don't even know
18:23How that responsibility must feel for you
18:25I'm just absolutely blown away with how strong she is
18:38Through all of that
18:39Through the years of exposure
18:41To alcoholism
18:43From such a young age
18:44Like
18:45How she can be so
18:47Not just eloquently spoken with her feelings towards it
18:50But how she's
18:51You know
18:52Still managing to keep it together
18:54Like I just
18:55I can't even imagine what she's
18:57What she's actually been through
18:58Because I've only ever been on the other side of it
19:00You know
19:01Hearing stories about other people's alcoholism
19:21Or how alcoholism has affected them in their life
19:24Is actually one of the best things for an alcoholic to be exposed to
19:29Because it reminds you
19:30That you are literally just an arm's length away
19:34From causing that chaos in your own life again
19:39So in the spirit of honestly and candidly talking about experiences with alcoholism
19:44I think it's only right that I sit down and talk to my own mother
19:47About how I impacted her life
19:50Because it's very easy for me to sit here and talk about how it affected mine
19:55Whereas realistically like alcoholism is a family illness
19:58And it really really did impact those closest to me
20:02And my mum being probably the biggest person I hurt
20:15This is the Gorchun Glen
20:18And we are around a mile away from Gorchun
20:23Which is where I grew up
20:24Here we are
20:25Hello
20:34Hello!
20:35Hello!
20:36Hello
20:39Hello!
20:40Hello!
20:45Good 좋아, love
20:46Oh, I missed you.
20:56Every alcoholic is capable of lying.
21:00It's just part and parcel of the disease.
21:03She was a professional lawyer in relation to where drink was concerned.
21:10Would not admit to having a problem at all.
21:15And I was left in a very sticky situation because the manager would contact me,
21:21but there's very little I could do unless I was over there.
21:23And even then, sure, I mean, she was still hoodwinked me.
21:29There were so many of those phone calls from my manager to my mum.
21:32And, like, obviously a lot of them that I wasn't privy to,
21:36like, I didn't know were going on at all.
21:37So everyone seemed to know I had a problem but me at the time.
21:42The way she was going on, I think you'd have thought that she had missed a couple of years
21:48and was making up, as a teenager, drinking.
21:52But then the phone calls became more and the stories became more
21:57and the list of drinking became more.
22:00And not turning up for sessions.
22:04And he'd be ringing me. I had a full-time job.
22:09There was many days I had to leave, work, arrange a flight and head straight to England.
22:15I was angry. I was cross. I was not out to get to this point in your life.
22:24And I suppose you just think, oh, there's a quick fix for it.
22:28But there's no quick fix for it.
22:32Whenever she hadn't been in touch for about three days,
22:37to me, she was at the house not answering the door.
22:41She could have been lying in her vomit in that type of way.
22:44You know, she could have died.
22:50The fear always was there of death, eventually.
22:54You know, if she didn't, she didn't seek help or get help.
23:02I suppose, in a way, I dealt with it the best I could.
23:06I think every mother wants the best for their child.
23:12I do still carry trauma and worry for Janet.
23:17There's just times that you wonder, is she okay?
23:19Or will she revert back?
23:21You know, you just, you just don't know.
23:24But, and I have my confidence in her.
23:26But there's always a piece in the back of your head thinking,
23:30is this triggered, was something triggered again?
23:34But fair play to her, she hasn't, she hasn't done that.
23:43All I have is my story and my experience and how it actually was for me.
23:49There are so many ways I can film this intro.
23:54But the quickest one is just to say it.
23:58And, hi, I'm Janet and I'm an alcoholic.
24:02So to finally, like, lift the veil and just tell people what my actual truth was,
24:09was the most liberating and freeing feeling ever.
24:11I knew I was an alcoholic when I was 20.
24:16The reaction was just so positive.
24:20There was definitely like a wave of people kind of maybe coming to the realization that they also had a problem from watching it.
24:29You empathize a lot with these people because you've also been there.
24:35I think one of the things I really liked about the comments was people that are getting sober are just like,
24:41Oh, I'm one week sober.
24:42And just all the comments are just like, congratulations, that's so good.
24:47And I think that kind of stuff like warms my heart because I just know,
24:51especially in those early days, like how hard it is to get like a week or to get a month.
24:56And I just feel like the comments are so positive and so nice that it's like,
25:01I don't think they understand by responding to those comments and saying,
25:05Well, Dawn, you've got this.
25:06Like, how much that means to someone in their early days of recovery, you know?
25:21It's hard going back over this time in my life.
25:23And the terrible thing is that many others have similar experiences.
25:28I'm in Belfast to meet 31-year-old Sian.
25:32Like me, her recovery started in a rehab program.
25:35So I want to hear what life is like for her after rehab and how she's coping with her sobriety.
25:43What's the most you've been in a day, twice?
25:46Yeah, because you can't get any more.
25:49It's basically I go to the gym too because I'm not a really good sleeper,
25:51but I'm still stuck in the routine from rehab, getting up at quarter past six every morning.
25:57Yeah, yeah.
25:58And then having to do, because I never understood it.
26:00And then I was like, why is this at this time?
26:02Am I for you to do this? Am I allowed to do that?
26:04Because addicts have never had routines in a long time.
26:06Yeah, it was all because of the routine and I'm still getting up at that time.
26:09Do you like routine?
26:10Yeah.
26:11Because I love routine.
26:12So do I.
26:13Because people feel very trapped by routine, but I feel like addicts feel like...
26:16You need routine.
26:17You're like, oh my God, this is...
26:18You need it because then, obviously, addiction.
26:21Or when I drank.
26:22You just went by the day as long as you had a drink.
26:24Yeah.
26:25Literally, there was no routine then.
26:27You ready?
26:28Yeah, awesome.
26:29Did you get your water?
26:30Yeah.
26:31Do you want to?
26:32Yeah.
26:33Yeah.
26:34Yeah.
26:35I put the incline up, no really high.
26:37So I just put it right up to the...
26:38It was hot.
26:43Growing up I gave my mum a hard time.
26:45I know I did.
26:48I just went completely off the rails before I had the couch and then...
26:52My last week before I went into rehab I didn't want to be here.
26:55Yeah.
26:56I was like, no, and there's no way out of this.
27:00And I made a self-referral myself.
27:03And because of the lockdown,
27:05they were like,
27:06«Some are not taking anybody in at the moment. »
27:08And I was like, «Please, take me in. »
27:10I had them tortured Janet.
27:12So when I was in the hour they were like,
27:14«Can you remember phoning me when I'm drunk? »
27:16And I was like, «No. »
27:17Well, yeah.
27:18But it's been the best outcome ever.
27:21Yeah.
27:25At the end there I was drinking,
27:27and I wasn't giving myself time to have a hangar.
27:29Quand j'ai eu lancé, c'était vraiment, vraiment mal.
27:34J'ai toujours eu lancé bien quand j'ai eu lancé.
27:37Mais quand je regarde les pictures, je me suis...
27:41Parce que j'ai perdu ma haute, et ma peau était vraiment mal.
27:45Et puis, quand je regarde, je me suis très mal.
27:50C'est comme ça que j'ai eu lancé, parce que j'étais secrètement mal.
27:55Je ne savais pas que je ne savais pas.
27:57J'ai eu lancé, donc j'ai eu lancé dans le cupboards.
28:01Et puis, en réhabilité, j'ai eu lancé sur l'alcool,
28:06parce que j'ai eu lancé, parce que j'ai eu lancé.
28:08Parce que j'ai eu lancé.
28:10Tu mordes?
28:11Oui.
28:13J'ai eu lancé avec les enfants pour trois mois,
28:16ou avec ma famille, parce que j'ai eu lancé.
28:19Donc, j'ai eu lancé une 15-minute phone call par semaine.
28:23J'ai eu lancé chaque semaine pour les enfants.
28:26Je suis très bien.
28:28J'ai eu lancé une vie.
28:30J'ai eu lancé de réhabilité.
28:32J'ai eu lancé.
28:33J'ai eu lancé depuis longtemps,
28:34j'ai eu lancé pour les semaines.
28:36J'ai eu lancé, mais je pense que je pense que
28:39je me suis lancé.
28:40J'ai eu lancé.
28:42Je suis lancé.
28:43C'est quand la hard work commence,
28:45parce que vous touchez à l'alcool.
28:47Parce que c'est partout.
28:49C'est la première fois que j'ai eu lancé.
28:51J'ai eu lancé un mois.
28:53C'était ma première fois que j'ai eu lancé.
28:57Et j'ai eu lancé une heure.
28:59J'ai eu lancé et j'ai eu lancé.
29:01J'ai eu lancé.
29:02J'ai eu lancé.
29:03Oui, ok.
29:04J'ai eu lancé.
29:05Sous-titrage-le-s-t-s-t-il.
29:06Vous avez des erreurs de vous?
29:08Oui, c'est très, très difficile.
29:11C'est des années que j'ai eu lancé en la ville,
29:13mais c'est le meilleur que j'ai eu lancé.
29:15Il est assez incroyable de se sentir que j'ai eu lancé.
29:23C'est assez flore que j'ai eu lancé à l'alcool.
29:26C'est de moi qui disait que j'ai eu lancé à l'alcool.
29:29L'alcool que j'ai eu lancé sur l'alcool.
29:31C'est de moi que j'ai lancé à l'alcool.
29:33I want to find out more about the harm young women like her and I are doing to their bodies.
29:38So I've come to the Royal Victoria Hospital in Belfast,
29:41where one of our leading liver consultants has voiced his concern
29:44about the growing number of women here suffering from alcohol-related diseases.
29:52Would you say you've seen a rise in young women coming in to get help?
29:56Yes, certainly over the last number of years
30:00there's definitely a sense that the number of young ladies we're seeing
30:04presenting with alcohol-related harm in our hospitals is on the increase.
30:09There's no doubt about that.
30:11In the cases that we tend to see on the liver unit here in the Royal,
30:16often the patients will be at a very advanced stage of liver disease.
30:21Many of them will present with jaundice, issues with fluid retention,
30:28complications of liver cirrhosis, such as a condition known as encephalopathy,
30:39where they have dryness and confusion as a consequence of liver disease.
30:43Increasingly one of the big presentations we're seeing is alcohol-related brain damage,
30:49where patients are drinking so excessively that it leads to chronic damage to the brain.
30:56What is the recommended amount of alcohol?
31:00They're recommended for both men and women.
31:02The aim should be to drink less than 14 units of alcohol per week,
31:07aiming to have two to three alcohol-free days a week with that.
31:12We see cases where ladies have little awareness of what safe levels of alcohol consumption are.
31:21I think that the sense for a lot of young people is maybe they feel to a certain extent they're invincible
31:26and they can abuse their bodies with alcohol without suffering the consequences, you know,
31:34and unfortunately in many cases it has a consequence, both in terms of the physical and mental health of the patient.
31:44It is frightening to hear from a consultant how much physical harm alcohol does to our bodies,
31:58never mind to our lives, families and relationships.
32:01I wonder what harm I did to my body and if I'm still living with that damage.
32:07And is it something that could come back to haunt me in the future?
32:16Along with my mum, my manager Rick saw my worst days of addiction.
32:20I want to find out how my alcoholism impacted him.
32:26Completely oblivious.
32:27Me? Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm just like...
32:30That's how I first met you.
32:32I couldn't speak to anyone in those days.
32:34I just, like, talking to another human being was, like, so terrifying.
32:40When I watched your VT, this little girl sat, you know, quite flower fairy,
32:46which I know everyone still sees that audition tape and it still does well
32:51because they still think you're that 16-year-old pixie.
32:53Yeah.
32:54But I got sucked in.
32:56I saw it and I thought, wow, this picture, I just pictured this,
33:01just this pure being writing poems and writing songs in the middle of nowhere in Ireland.
33:09When I look back at the footage of you on tour...
33:15Yeah.
33:16..back then, I think we were so busy with you and it was just so...
33:20It was so much going on.
33:22..we were so just going that when I look back now,
33:25I said to myself the other day, I was like,
33:27how did I not see how ill you were?
33:30Like that, when you were proper, like, anorexic.
33:32Yeah.
33:33And I can see it and I look in your little legs and your little waist
33:36and I'm like, oh, my God.
33:38Yeah.
33:41At the time, I was self-harming and I couldn't cover my scars.
33:44I just, I was so out of it that I forgot to cover them.
33:47Yeah.
33:48Every bit of media we had to do,
33:50I had to, you know, warn them about your scars
33:55and constantly trying to make sure that in an edit,
33:59everything was taken out for you
34:01and it was definitely dark at that period.
34:06I honestly at that point didn't have the energy to live.
34:09I remember you were living with me at the time
34:14because when things had gone so...
34:16South.
34:17...so south, it was like you've got one option,
34:19which is to move in with me and my wife.
34:23I said to Kat, like, I'm not qualified for this.
34:26There's something mental health happening here,
34:28but I don't know enough about mental health.
34:30But I remember you saying, I need you to make me busy.
34:34Yeah.
34:35I remember you were always like, when I'm busy...
34:37I don't have time to self-destruct.
34:39Exactly. And I got that.
34:41Yeah.
34:42And it didn't get better.
34:43It didn't get better.
34:44Even, like, coming home and, like, you know,
34:46I used to have to send Kat into your bedroom
34:48to sort of see if you were right.
34:50Yeah.
34:51Because sometimes you'd, like, pass out naked and stuff on the bed.
34:53Yeah.
34:54It's just really scary and really dark.
34:55I know.
34:56We'd find bits of sick around the house.
34:58Yeah.
34:59The bin down the street was where you'd put your bottles.
35:01Where I put the braids, yeah.
35:02So we'd kind of know if you were, if you'd been on a bender,
35:07then we could make sure you were okay.
35:10Yeah.
35:11That night. It's fucking dark, man.
35:12It's so dark.
35:19To try and create something for an artist
35:22who's kind of beamed out is stressful.
35:25Throw in Janet living my fault,
35:30bringing the artist into my family home.
35:33That then involves my wife.
35:47I'm a, I'm a fucking maniac when it comes to my job.
35:51And it's fine.
35:54But it is hard when you dump that pressure on someone else.
36:00It did affect our relationship.
36:09But, erm...
36:12Got more respect for her.
36:18For her, yeah.
36:19So...
36:21I don't know how they survived that.
36:33I really, really don't.
36:34And I don't know how...
36:36I put them through it.
36:39Like...
36:40But I kind of do because I just know that I didn't want to live.
36:44It's as simple as that.
36:51It just felt like I wasn't built for this earth in some way.
36:54The almost dying got so exhausting.
37:03Like, it was tiring to try and take my life on numerous occasions and wake up.
37:13And that feeling of failure just exhausts you to your bones and to your core.
37:22Because you just feel so hopeless.
37:26So worthless.
37:27So...
37:28Worthless.
37:29That what's the point?
37:31What is the point in getting better?
37:35And it's just the truth that alcoholism will take lives.
37:40And it doesn't matter, like, how high up that pecking order you are.
37:44It will take your life away from you if you let it.
37:59I didn't realize it at the time.
38:01But I can see now that my mental health played a massive role in my addiction to alcohol.
38:06But what's the relationship between the two?
38:08Where does one stop and the other begin?
38:10To find out more, I'm going to meet Dr Donna Mullen from the Royal College of Psychiatrists.
38:20So, when did you specifically go into psychiatry for addiction?
38:26Oh, about 2006.
38:29Alcohol-specific death rates in women in Northern Ireland are now higher than they are in other parts of the UK.
38:37And they've increased by two thirds over the last 20 years.
38:41So, they've increased by almost 66% in the last 20 years.
38:46So, we really do have a problem in relation to women and alcohol here.
38:53And that is something that we need to address.
38:56There are higher rates of mental health issues, personality disorders and trauma in the female patients coming through.
39:07For me, I personally have borderline personality disorder and bipolar type 2.
39:14And, yeah, both of those…
39:16You've got a collection?
39:17You've got a collection going, yeah.
39:19Okay.
39:20So, that meant that, you know, when I was younger, and when I was in active addiction, like, I couldn't differentiate between me and my mental illnesses, because I didn't really know how to process them.
39:32So, in a way of, like, coping, like, I used alcohol to cope.
39:37We talk about, like, almost like the intrinsic link between mental health and addiction, and just how hand-in-hand those things go.
39:46Well, I don't really see the split, I suppose.
39:48That's the thing for me.
39:49As a psychiatrist working in addictions, you know, I consider it to be a mental health issue.
39:55And I think that the split is a bit artificial in some way, because addiction is a mental health issue.
40:02And the two do come hand-in-hand a lot of the time.
40:07You really do need to try to shatter the stigma, in a way, you know, because anybody could become dependent on alcohol.
40:15You know, all it takes is drinking enough alcohol regularly enough to become physically dependent on it.
40:21But you can also be emotionally dependent on it, too, if you have, you know, if you have mood swings, like you do with personality disorder, then, you know, it's very easily done.
40:36It took me a long time to seek help, and to realise how closely my addiction was linked to my mental health.
40:46But seeing and treating them as part of the same thing is a massive realisation for me.
40:51Addiction can take every ounce of good that you have in your life, and it will take every ounce of good from your life.
41:00I spent every ounce of my being portraying this idea that everything was fine, when, behind the scenes, I was broken.
41:15I'm really starting to understand the different ways an addict can damage the lives of those around them, those who love them.
41:26And for Christine in Newton-Ards, alcohol was to have a devastating effect on her family, in a way that she could never have foreseen.
41:34It's a blue my friend's book.
41:44At my sister's funeral, I thought it would be a good idea for everyone to wear purple or lilac, just to kind of keep it bright.
41:55Instead of, you know, black and dark, we wanted it to kind of resemble her.
42:01So everyone kind of associates Abi with purple and lilac now.
42:06She was really looking forward to her 21st birthday.
42:11I just thought it was a big birthday.
42:14And instead of kind of being sad, we would kind of just have a celebration of her life.
42:20Our mum took her own life eight years ago, just with something we've never got over.
42:35Towards the end, mum's mental health was really, really deteriorating.
42:40And she would have drunk a lot in the end.
42:45Mum's decision was based on alcohol.
42:48It wasn't a sober decision and she was drunk.
42:53Abi was only 11 at the time.
42:57A time where she really needed her mum.
42:59I think when something like that happens to you, you're never really the same person.
43:12Abi didn't have a problem with drink at all.
43:17She had bad times, the same as everyone.
43:20Some days she missed my mum.
43:23Most days she would have missed my mum.
43:25She went to a party and what happened to our mum happened to another guy's mum at the party.
43:38And this was the topic of conversation.
43:41My sister told the guys in the party a lie that my dad was waiting on her.
43:54And she left the party and walked down the street a wee bit and took her own life.
44:02She just literally got too much drink and made a stupid decision that wouldn't have happened if she was sober.
44:15Abi was 20.
44:17Today's Abi's 21st birthday.
44:24Hi, how are you doing?
44:25How are you?
44:26I'm not too bad, I'm not too bad. How are you doing?
44:28Yeah, all good, yeah.
44:32How long have you not had alcohol for now?
44:34So I got three years sober and then I relapsed.
44:37And then now I've been sober for almost three years again.
44:39That's crazy.
44:40Yeah.
44:41One or two glasses for me is fine, but getting drunk is kind of a no go.
44:47I just don't feel safe even getting drunk.
44:50And would you say what happened stopped you from drinking?
44:53Definitely, yeah, I would be scared to be drunk.
44:55Yeah, because of how I feel inside at the minute I would definitely be scared off the type of behaviour I would be if I was drunk.
45:07So yeah, definitely it's just best to have a few glasses.
45:11For me, like the alcohol made everything a million times worse.
45:15I already had a mood disorder but I was pumping myself full of alcohol.
45:20So you just didn't want to be here, did you?
45:22No.
45:23I, on multiple occasions, drank so much that I tried to take my own life multiple times.
45:30And there's only been one time in my life where I've tried to take my own life sober.
45:35And all the rest was through alcohol.
45:38Alcohol.
45:39Have you spoke to any family before that's lost?
45:42I've never sat down with someone who's actually lost someone.
45:45And I think as well it's like the fear of me having to know that that's what I could have done to my family.
45:52It's crazy.
45:54And like you do know how much heartache that would cause like if you didn't wake up or...?
46:01I think at the time when I was trying to take my own life I wasn't thinking about...
46:09Anyone else.
46:10Obviously, yeah.
46:11Yeah.
46:12Anyone else.
46:13It didn't matter.
46:14The only way I could ever describe it to people was like my body felt like a burning building.
46:21And that existing was causing me so much pain that the only relief...
46:28I get that.
46:29...was to just jump out.
46:30I get that.
46:31And that's, that was the closest, that was the thing that pushed me over the edge to, you know, try and take my own life.
46:38Yeah.
46:39But I think obviously now when I'm older like I just would have been passing that exact feeling.
46:47That exact feeling of living in a burning building onto like everyone in my life.
46:52What you'd be leaving them in.
46:54Like you don't think about it at all.
46:57And I'm just really sad and just really sorry that you've had to go through that.
47:04The tragedy of Christine's story is hard to take in.
47:14And I'm so glad she is getting the support to cope with her grief.
47:19It makes me so thankful that I sought help and got into rehab and recovery before I totally ruined my own life or the lives of my family.
47:29There is definitely cultural implications as to why alcoholism can thrive here in Northern Ireland.
47:37Our nightlife is built around drinking.
47:42And you just have to ask yourself, if you're planning a night out with your friends and you plan it without booze, where are you going?
47:50There's not that many options.
47:54Even after six years, it's still weird to go out and not drink.
48:02You're almost like apologising for not drinking.
48:05You know what I mean?
48:06It's still very strange.
48:09So I think what's becoming more clear is listening to other women talk about their experiences of being a mum or losing their mum.
48:31It's almost like society has accepted that men can fall victim to alcoholism, but we refuse to see it in women.
48:41We refuse to acknowledge the impact that has on their lives and just the things we expect women to do.
48:49We expect women to be good mums. We expect them to be all empathetic, all loving.
48:55I feel like there's like a whole other level of pressure, a whole other level of stress.
48:59Even just like getting pregnant, having a baby, trying to be an alcoholic addict and be a mother.
49:08Like I can't even imagine, because I already just see the stress I put on my mum.
49:13I can't even imagine trying to be a mum and be an addict at the same time.
49:17Like it's, yeah, it's just unreal.
49:29So I've come to Mahara to meet Imelda, who is brand new at the start of her recovery journey.
49:38And taking my own mind back to whenever I started, like, it is incredibly daunting.
49:44So I know exactly what she's going through.
49:46Hiya.
49:51You're very welcome.
49:52Oh, thank you so much.
49:58I started drinking when I was 16.
50:03Started going out quite early.
50:06Then it became like a binge drinking thing.
50:08So every weekend, you know.
50:11But it was always social drinking.
50:13Then me and Jared got home together and started having like a cider at night before bed.
50:25And then I started drinking wine.
50:27And then I fell pregnant about three months after I moved into my house.
50:31My drinking got heavier after that.
50:33Fast forward about two more children, and they were emergency sections.
50:38My last child was actually born the day before my mum passed away.
50:41So it was really, really difficult.
50:44It was just like a year ago.
50:46So, and it was the very first COVID, so she didn't get to meet her or anything.
50:53It was really, really, really difficult.
50:55Since then, my drinking just escalated.
50:59It got dark.
51:02Drinking on my own to pass out.
51:05My children sort of suffered from it.
51:07Yeah.
51:08You know, they, because they've seen it.
51:12I felt like it got to the stage where I was winging it as a mummy.
51:16It was costing me more than money, basically.
51:18So, decided to go to AA.
51:22Gemma Rose.
51:23Come here.
51:24You're tired today, aren't you?
51:26Did you?
51:27I actually drank that night, the night that I came home.
51:33The night that I got the news that mummy had passed away.
51:39There wasn't much thought behind it.
51:41It was just what I was used to doing and to suppress how I was feeling.
51:47It was just, I didn't know what else to do.
51:52She was like the other half of me.
51:54How many days ago were you?
52:06If I'm being completely honest, two and a half weeks.
52:09But it nearly was the three.
52:11Um, this week I had a slip up because, it was on Tuesday because, just something happened at work and then I went to AA on Wednesday and it got me back, you know, again.
52:25And I'm really just taking it each day as it comes now.
52:28I haven't actually decided yet whether I'm calling myself alcoholic or not.
52:33I don't know.
52:35I want to take control now.
52:37It controlled me for a long time.
52:39Yeah.
52:40That's an important thing, isn't it?
52:41Yeah.
52:46And I feel as if my mum was giving me strikes.
52:48I feel like she's with me all the time.
52:50Um, so, I miss her so much.
52:55And I know she would want me to stop drinking.
52:57Yeah.
52:58So, um, that's what I'm doing.
53:00And she's giving me signs that I'm on the right path.
53:03So, that's where I'm going.
53:04And I have her legacy to carry on.
53:06So, that's what I'm going to do.
53:08Yeah.
53:10That's amazing.
53:17I'm still early days.
53:19I'm also doing counselling now on a Sunday morning.
53:22Um, it's going really, really well.
53:24And I'm feeling strong at the minute.
53:30Don't beat myself up anymore about, you know, as much about things.
53:34Because...
53:38You have to be kind to yourself.
53:41I'm trying to do that.
53:49A lot of people have flowers.
53:52All the women I've met have gone to hell and back.
54:06And not one of them travelled the same way.
54:09Zoe, Sean, Christine, Imelda, Tamsin.
54:12They've all either lost someone or nearly lost themselves through the destructive effects of the most socially acceptable drug in the world.
54:21But the one thing I have taken away from all of them is that we can survive.
54:25We can rebuild our lives.
54:27But to do so, we need at least two things.
54:31Hope.
54:32And help.
54:34I love how it looks.
54:39It's just beautiful.
54:42It's stunning.
54:44I'm glad I got butterflies on it.
54:45I got her favourite wee coat one day at a time.
54:48I'm just glad about it.
54:50Like, all of it.
54:52I do love getting up here and seeing her.
54:55Because it's where I'm close to it.
54:56It's the closest place I am to.
54:58There's a resting place.
54:59C'est un peu plus.
55:01Ils sont tous les mêmes.
55:03Ils vont toujours toujours remember.
55:05C'est une personne qui meurt.
55:08C'est triste que c'est tout fait, mais je suis heureux que c'est fait.
55:11Mais je ne peux pas encore pour ça.
55:13C'est ce que j'ai à faire tout mon vieux.
55:15Je suis heureux que ça se fait.
55:17Je suis heureux que ça.
55:19C'est une personne qui meurt.
55:27Si je suis honnête, je ne pensais pas que j'aurais atteint l'âge que je suis aujourd'hui.
55:33C'est difficile de penser à une future.
55:37Je ne vais pas me dire.
55:39J'aimerais être heureux, au moins.
55:41C'est heureux, confortable.
55:44Un peu riche.
55:46Je suis heureux de penser à la mort.
55:48Mais j'aimerais juste être heureux de rester en plus.
55:51Celle-ci à la grande-quid une certaine histoire qui a possuie un bon end.
55:54Vous savez ?
55:57Oui.
55:58Sous-titrage Société Radio-Canada
56:28I don't think I would have been able to do it without them
56:31And I never would have thought I would proudly call myself an alcoholic one day
56:38But I am
56:41Society portrays the alcoholic very differently than how I see the alcoholic
56:51I see the alcoholic as a person
56:53With feelings, with a past
56:58But with a present and a future
57:01I just want people to see the alcoholic as a person
57:10With potential
57:12And I'll see you next time
57:46...