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00:00namaste acharji namaste i'm julie kumari from united technology uh actually i have one question
00:09for my friend she didn't want to reveal her identity she just want to ask that what should
00:16we do if if a partner is cheating on her and with this my question is that when should we decide
00:24that we should stop putting efforts in a relationship and let the other person go
00:29even for friendship means not only for relationship even for any any kind of relationship
00:36what is the definition of cheating
00:41cheating by its very sound conveys something inauspicious something
00:50something harmful unethical what is the definition of cheating
00:56in her case it's like committing to her that
01:05it's a commitment to her while commitment of what nature what does it mean to be with someone else
01:15uh means if i'm committing someone that uh that uh i will be totally the commitment will means my
01:24commitment is for you and commitment of what kind commitment of money what
01:30i will be for you in what way in in in what way i'll be for you
01:41in a romantic way of course what does romance mean
01:44i want to understand when we say i am i'm i'm i'm i'm committed and when i say the fellow is cheating
02:01what exactly does the act of cheating comprise of when do you conclusively know that a fellow is cheating
02:09cheating if i'm not not true to that person no these are big words let's let's come to the fact
02:21what is the very definition of cheating lies if somebody lies to you would you say he's cheating
02:29come on your husband or wife lies to you all the time that's that's a fact do you say the fellow is
02:35cheating no no no even kids lie to their parents all the time are they cheating no what is the definition
02:44of cheating and why do you want to avoid the the obvious definition
02:49the fellow the fellow is with someone in a physical way the fellow is sleeping with someone that's
03:07what you call as cheating right the fellow is sleeping with someone so why why did we avoid it for
03:13so there is lies or romance all that is not the thing
03:22so right so a fellow is with someone else and that's breaking the commitment the commitment that
03:30was a part of the marriage was so what were the marriage was about then what is what is the whole
03:36institution of marriage about then if cheating is about having sex with someone and that breaks the
03:41commitment of marriage then what is the marriage about what is the marriage about
03:52will we take an equal length of time when again coming to the obvious
03:57what is what is marriage about then i yes that i will be with you no with you what does
04:02mean with you only let's let's use the word sex
04:05so marriage basically means that now onwards i'll have sex only with you
04:12was this a clear understanding what was this a clear understanding that you know
04:17marriage basically means nothing else but that i'll have sex only with you
04:23and if that is the foundation of marriage it's a very shaky foundation
04:26because sex is not merely physical
04:34more often than not you will not even discover when your spouse
04:38is having non-physical sex with someone what else is pornography do married people don't watch porn
04:46that too would come under the definition of cheating
04:48do married people not enjoy an actress's body on the silver screen you're watching a movie with
04:56your husband or your girlfriend is he not enjoying all the gyrations on the screen and the way she is
05:03going about doing her attractive and lascivious business that too is cheating by that definition
05:11marriage that is founded
05:19on the body itself is bound to suffer from cheating
05:25and that is the punishment such a marriage deserves
05:30why did you marry on the foundation of the body alone
05:34what you're saying is our marriage means you have sex with me i have sex with you and it's exclusive
05:39you will not go to someone else i'll not go to someone else you can have such an agreement
05:46but this agreement cannot last
05:51but
05:55the breaking of this kind of agreement will give a lot of pain
06:03that pain is the punishment
06:06it's a punishment for not understanding
06:09where that kind of agreement came from in the first place
06:14why will i go to someone and say you know your job in now now in life is to have sex only with me
06:23it's such an indecent thing to say to someone
06:27today onwards you will have sex only with me
06:30and in return i'll have sex only with you
06:33it's a highly vulgar thing to say to someone
06:35why did you start off in this particular way that's the question in the first place
06:42and if you will start off in this way
06:45you will meet the pain of cheating
06:50and i said cheating is not merely when you are caught sleeping with the neighbor's wife
06:54or with the pizza delivery boy you know what i mean men will understand better
07:08everybody is cheating all the time just that some forms of cheating are more tolerable
07:12you cannot keep objecting to everything you know you went with your hobby to the market
07:18and he was found peeping down the sales girl's cleavage
07:23you cannot serve him a divorce notice merely on that
07:27because he is anyway doing that all the time
07:30even with the housemaid he is doing the same thing
07:32is that not cheating
07:40this kind of cheating is the punishment for not understanding
07:45where our social institutions are coming from
07:49if a man and woman have to be together they must be together on the foundation of love and friendship
07:54not on the basis of this kind of a vulgar commitment
08:04and if love is really fulfilling
08:08if friendship is really uplifting
08:10you find that most probably the two people will have fewer and fewer reasons to look elsewhere
08:20if i am already fulfilled and you know who i am i am an unfulfilled consciousness in the first place
08:33if i am with someone who is serving to fulfill my deepest need which is not sex
08:40man's deepest need is not sexual by man i mean both man and human woman the human need
08:45our deepest need is the wailing of our consciousness the unfulfilled consciousness
08:57so bring someone into your life who serves
09:03to heal your consciousness and then you will find that you have as we said fewer reasons
09:10to look towards other people
09:12but if you will marry someone just on the basis of the body
09:20that fellow is 99 percent certain to look for other bodies as well
09:31because one body can never satisfy anybody
09:38thousand bodies even they cannot satisfy anybody
09:42because satisfaction cannot come from bodies
09:47even thousand bodies will not suffice
09:51what do you think one extramarital affair
09:54brings
09:57the need to have affairs to a closure no
10:04it's a spree
10:07extramarital spree not one extramarital
10:09affair
10:12because your wife didn't satisfy you or your husband didn't satisfy you
10:17even the neighbor's wife cannot satisfy you
10:20you go to some other country and find five other women even they cannot satisfy nobody because
10:25your satisfaction belongs to another dimension
10:29bodies cannot provide that
10:30you're looking for someone else you're looking for someone else but you married by looking at someone's body
10:42at that moment the bodies were probably quite young and luscious
10:47so you could extract a promise from the other
10:54you know you look at my body
10:56how do you find it and he says top class
10:59say i will give you my body only if you do not look at other bodies
11:02and the fellow will say fine fine fine
11:03in that moment of physical excitation
11:07probably he will give you that promise
11:11you have you have extracted it from him
11:13but that promise will be very easily forgotten
11:20because you know how much can the body amount to
11:25the problem is the marriage itself
11:31an even deeper problem is the one who is marrying
11:39not only is his marriage flawed
11:42everything that he does is equally flawed
11:45he does not know even how to buy socks
11:48he does not know how to get
11:54the right pair of jeans for himself
11:59how will he get the right wife for himself
12:04this fellow who is going out in the market to marry
12:07is not well within
12:08he does not know how to make choices
12:11from the smallest choice to the biggest one
12:13all his choices are flawed and all his choices are physical
12:18that's why they are flawed
12:23anything that he does is based on physicality
12:27marriage is based on physicality and later on he starts crying
12:30my wife is sleeping with someone else
12:34there is no solution
12:38this kind of cheating is the obvious result
12:44of the flawed arrangement called the blind marriage
12:48i'm not surprised when someone says my partner is cheating
12:54i'm surprised when someone says you know my partner is very loyal
12:58you say how innocent are you
13:02how innocent may you stay innocent
13:05and those who have not managed to lay their hands on the neighbor's wife
13:21are just afraid of her husband
13:26the moment the opportunity presents itself
13:30nobody is going to resist it
13:33take it take it from me
13:37those who have managed to behave in a moral way
13:42are the ones who have been denied of opportunities
13:45given an opportunity who would not avail it
13:49man woman does not matter
13:51everybody
13:52accept the one who is no more looking for a body
14:03be the one who is no more hunting for a body
14:09and then neither will you
14:12stake an exclusive claim to your partner's body
14:16nor would you be found running after your neighbor's wife
14:25you would be free
14:27your partner would be free
14:30and both of you would be holding your freedom very sacred
14:35you will not want to use your freedom for something as frivolous
14:41as sleeping with someone
14:47sounds counter-intuitive does it not
14:49we believe that if we want to have moral action from a human being
14:53we must put restrictions on him
14:56totally wrong
14:56if you want ethical action from a human being give him freedom
15:02if you give him restrictions the result will be cheating
15:06if you give him freedom the result will be celibacy
15:12celibacy
15:13is the natural and beautiful result
15:17of absolute freedom
15:19when you have restrictions then you want to somehow violate the restrictions
15:23don't you
15:24in fact the pleasure lies not in the neighbor's wife
15:27but in the fact that you could scale the fence
15:31and jump into her bedroom in the dead of the night
15:33and cheat her husband
15:38if cheating has happened you have actually cheated on her husband not the wife
15:44and that's where the pleasure lies
15:47i could fool her husband he didn't even know
15:48restrictions result in cheating
15:56freedom results in celibacy
16:00what does freedom mean i am already free
16:04so why must i use someone for fulfillment
16:08all fulfillment is ultimately about freedom
16:13if i am already free
16:15why do i need to use someone to get fulfilled
16:19fulfillment and freedom are the same thing
16:24i will now no more look at someone as a thing to be consumed
16:33i am all right
16:37and some part of this all rightness
16:39has probably come from this fellow i call
16:44as my husband or wife or friend or boyfriend or girlfriend
16:49and i am grateful
16:52i am grateful he or she could teach me something
16:58but that should be the foundation of marriage
17:01marry someone who can teach you something
17:03marry someone you can look up to
17:16not someone you can bring down
17:21not someone you can just lay on the bed
17:28have someone who can teach you
17:33how to be awake
17:40not someone who intoxicates you
17:48are you getting this
17:51this might sound bitter but take it from me
17:54if you will bring a person in your life
17:58marriage or no marriage
18:00boyfriend or husband
18:03just on the basis of the body
18:06your punishment will be cheating
18:08cheating from both sides
18:11he will cheat you will cheat
18:12and if you do not actively or physically cheat
18:16you will get frustrated and you will vent your frustration on your husband
18:22have you heard of the term the hand-pegged husband
18:26what does hand-pegged mean
18:27do you have some experience with the chicken or a hen or a rooster
18:35when they get frustrated they just
18:38they'll come to you and start doing this
18:39what is this the beak
18:43you won't really bleed
18:45the beak is not all that sharp
18:46but it still hurts
18:49we had one
18:50no this one
18:50jitu
18:51and he was so adept at doing this
18:54he would just chase people and then
18:58hand-pegged husband
19:00why
19:01because typically the wives display more moral behaviors
19:05because they have been subjugated more throughout history
19:09so the entire burden of morality is upon the woman
19:12and the punishment is more severe for her
19:18if she deviates from the path of morality
19:20so they are compelled to be more moral
19:25so they don't physically cheat
19:26because they don't physically cheat they get more frustrated
19:29and then
19:36the pecking
19:36I know it's a contentious statement and you can fight it all day
19:43you may
19:44plus please understand
19:48the body wants to have as many partners as possible
19:52that's the command
19:54of the
19:55mother nature
19:58marriage is social
20:00promiscuity
20:02is
20:03natural
20:04physical
20:06and what is social
20:10is a very small thing in front of what is
20:13prakritik
20:13natural
20:17society may turn you you know be monogamous
20:24but the mother herself is telling you go and
20:27fuck around with as many people as possible
20:30whose commands will you obey
20:36and the only thing that can sublimate
20:43this tendency
20:47to
20:51keep looking for more and more bodies
20:54is inner fulfillment
20:56self-realization
20:57not marriage
21:05your association
21:06with the other person should be on the foundation
21:11of your inner fulfillment
21:14not your body
21:15be with someone
21:22who will bring upliftment to your consciousness
21:28and be with someone
21:31who is vouched for by your uplifted consciousness
21:35is
21:38are you getting it
21:42if even your peak attentiveness
21:48endorses a person
21:53then let that person enter your life
21:56usually
21:59it is our intoxicated selves
22:05that recommend a person
22:09does that not happen
22:14your highest self
22:15your clearest self
22:17should vouch for a person
22:18and then that person should enter your life
22:22and that person should enter your life
22:24on the promise
22:26that he is entering your life
22:29to
22:30uplift you
22:32but that does not happen in marriages
22:39as you sow
22:42so shall you reap
22:44if you married in a flawed way
22:47you'll have to suffer the curse of cheating
22:50and all those things
22:56remember
22:58even if you
23:00get your partner
23:01in the most ideal way possible
23:04it is still possible
23:06that the person
23:07actually physically goes towards someone
23:10but now
23:11it would hardly matter
23:14because anyway your association with this person
23:16is not exclusively physical
23:19first of all the probability that this person
23:22will now roam around
23:23has reduced
23:24but even if it does happen
23:28to be
23:29physically attracted to someone
23:30it will not be so painful now
23:34because physicality is now only a small part of the relationship
23:38five percent
23:40so even if that five percent is compromised
23:43you will not be shattered
23:4695 percent the relationship is about something else
23:48and nobody can spoil that 95 percent
23:52so you are secure
23:54otherwise you see how insecure we are about our partners
23:59entire companies exist
24:02just to teach girlfriends
24:05how to break open
24:07the mobile phones of their boys
24:11he will not even come to know
24:13and you can crack his password
24:17everybody is so deeply
24:19yes of course
24:20just google for it
24:25because that mobile phone is
24:28the final thing
24:29everything in sleeping around
24:33everything is there
24:34all the pics are there
24:35and the chats are there
24:36and recordings are there
24:38so if you can somehow have
24:42a sneak peek into what's in there
24:45and if you do not share the password and the
24:53whatever
24:54with your husband or boyfriend or girlfriend
24:58then see how deeply insecure that person will feel
25:03surely there is something cooking
25:06why is he not showing me what's in there
25:08this insecurity
25:14is so troubling is it not
25:18and this entire insecurity is about
25:23physical association
25:25will he sleep with someone else
25:27will he sleep with someone else
25:29is there a romance budding somewhere
25:33even romance is not a problem you see
25:35if the romance remains a romance nobody will
25:38object that much
25:39the problem is romances
25:42very quickly turn into
25:44sexual activity
25:48and if sex is everything then you'll be deeply afraid
25:51of sexual activity happening somewhere
25:54that's the problem
25:56for most people sex is everything
25:59in most relationships
26:01sex is everything
26:03and what is sex
26:04our physical animal nature
26:09coming from
26:11the primordial mother herself
26:14prakrati
26:16we are beasts
26:18and for a beast sex is a lot
26:25if our marriages are based
26:27on sex alone
26:28then they are very beastly affairs
26:31are they not
26:34and we claim to be civilized people
26:35if you tell someone you know
26:36marriage is based on sex alone
26:37they'll say no no it's about companionship
26:39in the old age
26:40come on get real
26:42come on come on
26:44no no no
26:47i'm just friends with my wife
26:49it's not about sex at all
26:51even the law says that if you do not have sex
26:54for six months
26:55you are entitled for divorce
27:00even the law says that the term
27:02consummation of marriage means sex
27:05if you don't have sex with your wife
27:06the marriage is not even supposed to be consummated
27:10even the law knows
27:12that sex is everything in a marriage
27:15if your marriages are all about sex
27:17then your marriages are just an expression of your
27:20beastly origins
27:21and beasts we are by origin
27:25yes we are
27:27but why stay a beast
27:29why not sublimate
27:33if you must have a person in your life
27:36why can't that person be an agent for upliftment
27:44a lot of people get very upset
27:46the moment you say
27:47what do you think
27:50why are you always talking of sex
27:54my wife is my sister
27:58then why do you have a wife
28:01why must your partner be of the opposite sex
28:04if your marriage is not about sex
28:07then sir why did you look for a woman
28:10the very fundamental criteria is that you are looking for someone of the other sex
28:14then how is your marriage not about sex
28:16go and marry a man
28:20but if someone marries a man then you make fun of him
28:26is it not obvious if someone can come to you
28:29looking at your body
28:30that fellow will go to someone else as well
28:32looking at
28:34another body
28:35is it not
28:37come on
28:37you go to buy a dress
28:43at a retail store
28:45there is one particular dress you have finalized on
28:48suddenly
28:50some other dress catches your attention
28:52what do you do
28:54what do you do
28:56you you keep this one down and go and pick that one up
29:00that's marriage
29:02this one looked good
29:03for so long fine now that one looks good
29:10but if that other one happens to exceed your budget you will return to this one
29:15now that's called loyalty
29:16if you are physical
29:30if you are bodily
29:31if you are beastly
29:33no loyalty is possible
29:35don't even expect loyalty from someone
29:39who is not awakened within
29:42loyalty is not something so cheap that you can be loyal to
29:47your husband or wife on the basis of marriage woves
29:53loyalty is fundamentally spiritual
29:57a fellow who dislikes the gita the upanishads vedant
30:02how can this fellow be loyal to anybody
30:06yet
30:08in your ignorant and intoxicated state
30:12you thought your boyfriend
30:15will treat you like a princess or a goddess
30:19and will worship you with great devotion and loyalty all his life
30:22why will he do that come on get real
30:27why will he do that
30:29that fellow is not loyal even to the highest truth
30:36that fellow is loyal only to his own
30:38body
30:39why will he be loyal to another body
30:41he will look around for 40 bodies
30:46and then you will be heartbroken
30:55he will look around for 40 bodies
30:56and he will look around for 40 bodies
31:01i'm sorry if what i'm saying is disturbing
31:05but
31:07if truth disturbs you
31:09that should tell you something about yourself
31:15no
31:15it
31:22oh
31:35you