This very funny episode of Crown Court (otherwise a very serious drama serial) is based on an absurd script by the absurdist playwright N. F. Simpson and is about a care home for the elderly, which was built in the Himalaya mountains. Starring Michael Jayston, Anton Rodgers, Raymond Huntley, Denis Lill.
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:00You're about to see edited highlights from one of the lengthiest and most complex cases
00:00:16in legal history.
00:00:18Everything about it is highly fictitious, and the proceedings are not all that legally
00:00:21accurate.
00:00:22The characters in it are played by actors, and the jury is made up of people who've expressed
00:00:26their willingness to arrive impartially at whatever verdict may be required of them.
00:00:31The case concerns a libel action brought by Cosmic Planning Consultants against the Rosenberg
00:00:35Research Foundation, and counsel for the former is now opening his case.
00:00:45I appear before the plaintiffs, and my friend Mr Keith Saunders is counsel for the defendants.
00:00:53I propose first to outline the facts of the case, which is, in essence, a simple one.
00:00:59Turning on the fact that a building on the edge of a steep escarpment in the Cairngorms,
00:01:06some 3,000 feet or so above sea level, was, in 1975, turned into an old people's home
00:01:13with the usual facilities.
00:01:15Of these facilities, it is with the lavatories that we are principally concerned, in that
00:01:22these were placed at the foot of the escarpment, 3,000 feet below the old people's home they
00:01:26were intended to serve.
00:01:28It was my clients who were acting as consultants in the matter, and who are bringing this action
00:01:32against the defendants in respect of a libel contained in a letter, and later, in a newspaper
00:01:39interview.
00:01:40If I might crave the indulgence of the court at this stage, my Lord, I would like to go
00:01:45over briefly the background of the situation.
00:01:47The facts are not in dispute between us.
00:01:50The original name of the building, which underwent conversion in 1975 to an old people's home,
00:01:57was Bellamy's Folly, an edifice constructed in the early years of this century by one
00:02:04Horace Bellamy as a left luggage office.
00:02:07It was intended as the first of a chain of left luggage offices, encircling the globe
00:02:14and enabling those with heavy luggage and finding themselves at the top of some mountain
00:02:18or other to have somewhere to deposit the luggage while they themselves admired the
00:02:24view and ate their sandwiches.
00:02:27It was a bold concept, but one which was, in the event, doomed to be stillborn.
00:02:35The harsh facts were that people, people could not be persuaded to take their luggage to
00:02:44the top of an escarpment in the Cairngorms or in anything like sufficient numbers to
00:02:49justify the considerable expense of maintaining it there.
00:02:53The building, accordingly, fell into disuse and remained empty for some time, becoming
00:02:59known as Bellamy's Folly.
00:03:03He himself, embittered by what he thought of as unfair competition from the left luggage
00:03:08offices in the mainline termini, which had at that time gained a stranglehold in the
00:03:14left luggage business, finally committed suicide by casting himself down from the withdrawals
00:03:21counter, or what had been the withdrawals counter, to the foot of the escarpment 3,000
00:03:26feet below, hitting the ground by curious coincidence at the very spot where the lavatories
00:03:32were to be built over 50 years later.
00:03:37In the people's home to which reference has already been made.
00:03:40Did you say competition from the mainline railway termini?
00:03:44That is thought to have been in his mind, my Lord.
00:03:47Is it being suggested that someone at the top of the Matterhorn or of Everest, as that
00:03:51was in his mind eventually, would go to the trouble of making a descent of 10,000 to 20,000
00:03:57feet with a heavy suitcase in either hand, in order then to travel perhaps several thousand
00:04:03miles on a stuffy and uncomfortable train, with no other purpose but to deposit his suitcases
00:04:10at Euston station, possibly meeting surly and offhand treatment when he got there?
00:04:15No, it seems a few people were making the original journey, my Lord, from Euston to
00:04:19the top of the Cairngorms or wherever.
00:04:21What inducements were offered them?
00:04:23It was thought that the challenge itself would be a sufficient inducement, my Lord.
00:04:28That is the plaintiff's case, my Lord, and I will now call my evidence.
00:04:32I call Kenneth James Hoist-Petard.
00:04:40Counsel for the plaintiffs has called the head of the Rosenberg Research Foundation
00:04:43to the witness box.
00:04:45It will be his purpose to show that there were sound reasons for the publishing of the
00:04:48allegedly libelous words.
00:04:53Bellamy's Folly, as we must continue to call it, was intended to be very much the showpiece,
00:04:59was it not?
00:05:01It was the first in the line of similar homes for the aged in other high spots elsewhere
00:05:05in the world.
00:05:06It was, yes.
00:05:07It was, indeed, received with considerable acclaim in the press and elsewhere.
00:05:13A tremendous breakthrough, a triumph, one paper put it, of high-altitude geriatrie.
00:05:19We were pleased with the response.
00:05:22As a result of this, it was inaugurated with great pomp and ceremony in a blaze of publicity.
00:05:28We were happy with the coverage.
00:05:31Is it not true that such experiments in high-altitude geriatrie as were urgently needed at that
00:05:35time could have been carried out every bit as effectively, and some may say far more
00:05:40humanely, by sending one or two selected old-age pensioners up in a hot air balloon once or
00:05:46twice a week from, say, Cockfosters?
00:05:49This was very seriously considered, and it had a lot to be said for it.
00:05:52But in the end, we opted for the left luggage office.
00:05:56In order the better to acclimatise the, as we may now say, unfortunate guinea pigs in
00:06:01this experiment to relatively high altitudes before sending them into orbit for reasons
00:06:07of limited space on the ground.
00:06:09That was part of the object.
00:06:11Great grandmothers in orbit, a concept that, given this kind of publicity, could not fail
00:06:18to appeal.
00:06:19I think the time was ripe for it.
00:06:22And accordingly, it caught the imagination of the public.
00:06:25It did, yes.
00:06:26I cannot possibly allow counsel to go on leading the witness in this way.
00:06:30I really must try to phrase these questions in a less temptentious way.
00:06:35I'm obliged to your lordship.
00:06:37To what extent was this whole enterprise not something of a pipe dream?
00:06:42We felt it had great potentiality.
00:06:45Would it be true to say that Rosenberg Research Foundation were being somewhat starry-eyed
00:06:49about the whole thing?
00:06:50We had our feet very firmly on the ground.
00:06:53More firmly, perhaps, than some of the unfortunate old-age pensioners, who had ill-advisedly
00:06:58opted to act as guinea pigs, one might perhaps say.
00:07:02At all events, it has to be admitted, does it not, that the whole concept quickly became
00:07:05in the minds of the general public a damp squib, a nine-days wonder.
00:07:11And public support accordingly fell off with alarming and disconcerting rapidity.
00:07:16It didn't catch on quite in the way that we'd hoped.
00:07:19Therefore I would suggest, was the diminution in public support the only problem come front
00:07:24of you?
00:07:25Other snags were beginning to come to light.
00:07:28Many, for instance, of the ferns, who'd agreed so eagerly to deliver provisions and groceries
00:07:33and other necessaries, when this had been a matter of climbing onto a popular bandwagon,
00:07:39were now beginning to have second thoughts.
00:07:41This was fermented when a couple of removal men jibbed at carrying a Welsh dresser up
00:07:47the sheer face of a 3,000-foot mountain.
00:07:50They were troublemakers.
00:07:53And it spread.
00:07:54With the result that the old-age pensioners themselves were compelled to make first the
00:07:59descent and then the ascent to collect their own shopping.
00:08:03For a time.
00:08:04Not an easy matter for someone of advancing years with a full shopping basket, I would
00:08:09presume.
00:08:10It did raise a certain amount of comment, yes.
00:08:12And I would suggest that public disquiet was considerable.
00:08:16That questions, indeed, were asked in the house.
00:08:19That is true.
00:08:20Might it be true to say that you found this project somewhat embarrassing?
00:08:28It wasn't something that we welcomed.
00:08:31How convenient, then, if you could find a scapegoat on whom to foist responsibility
00:08:35for this unwelcome development.
00:08:38There was no intention of foisting responsibility at all.
00:08:42Nevertheless, if it could be made known that some gross oversight had been perpetrated,
00:08:46not by you, but by the plaintiffs, an oversight whereby the inmates of the old folk's home
00:08:52could be shown to have been put to some minor inconvenience, it would deflect a great deal
00:08:57of public criticism away from you, would it not, and on to the plaintiffs.
00:09:03What better such oversight than the placing of the lavatories in such a position that
00:09:07it would be impossible to reach them in the middle of the night without wearing climbing
00:09:11boots over one's bedroom slippers?
00:09:13This was not the intention at all.
00:09:16I have no questions to ask of this witness, m'lod.
00:09:19None?
00:09:20No, m'lod.
00:09:21So be it.
00:09:24In the absence of cross-examination, counsel for the plaintiffs calls his next witness,
00:09:29the Cosmic Planning Consultant's Chief Planning Advisor, Nigel Winterbourne.
00:09:39As a consultant of some standing in the consultancy world, you're well versed, are you not, in
00:09:45the art of consultancy?
00:09:47Many people consider so.
00:09:48To the extent that it would be true, perhaps, to say that you have consultancy in the blood,
00:09:53and that consultancy, in all its myriad forms, has been your life right up until this moment,
00:09:59and indeed still is.
00:10:00I'd like to think so.
00:10:03You showed a certain precocity for this, even as a child, I believe.
00:10:08I was said to be forward, yes, in that particular field.
00:10:10With the result that, in adult life, you have been called in on a consultancy basis on numerous
00:10:16occasions in the non-communist world.
00:10:19You are now, are you not, Chief Planning Advisor to the Cosmic Planning Consultants, who are
00:10:25the plaintiffs in this action?
00:10:26That is so.
00:10:27And as such, you were intimately involved, were you not, with the project about which
00:10:32complaints have been made?
00:10:34I was.
00:10:36The project was a somewhat ambitious one, I presume.
00:10:39It was one of some magnitude, yes.
00:10:42Is it perhaps to be expected that, in a project on so large and ambitious a scale, minor snags
00:10:48might be expected to appear?
00:10:51One would be very lucky to get it absolutely right the first time.
00:10:54Such a mistake as putting lavatories at the bottom, when the home they were to serve was
00:10:59at the top, might, well, might be an oversight of no great order, perhaps.
00:11:04It might seem so to the individual old-age pensioner called upon to make the journey
00:11:08down and then up again, but in terms of the project as a whole, it was considered a very
00:11:12minor point indeed, hardly worth the expense of rectifying.
00:11:18Are you cross-examining this time?
00:11:20With your Lordship's permission.
00:11:21By all means.
00:11:23The peace and serenity which it is normal to associate with a home for the elderly in
00:11:27their declining years is in danger of being put at some risk, is it not, if one finds
00:11:32oneself trudging some 3,000 feet down a steep escarpment with many treacherous overhangs
00:11:38in one's dressing gown at three o'clock in the morning to attend to a call of nature?
00:11:42There's a danger, certainly.
00:11:43There might, might there not, be prima facie grounds for complaint by some who think this
00:11:47is no way to spend the autumn of one's life?
00:11:50It's not easy to please everyone.
00:11:52The comment might be made as to what might appear at first sight to be an absence of
00:11:55forethought to the extent that the question, what kind of planning consultants are these,
00:12:01might find itself being asked in certain quarters with an element of rancour.
00:12:05This is something one has to learn to come to terms with.
00:12:08Who was passing through your mind inciting the lavatories where you did?
00:12:11I was thinking of Mrs. Letchworth.
00:12:14What was the tenor of your thoughts concerning this Mrs. Letchworth?
00:12:16It occurred to me that she was highly desirable and that I had a chance there.
00:12:20In other words, your thoughts were elsewhere than on a job you'd undertaken to give your
00:12:24undivided attention to.
00:12:25I suppose that would be so.
00:12:26A case, one might say, of chercher la femme.
00:12:29Yes, one might say that.
00:12:31You said that, in your opinion, the oversight was a minor one, that it was an oversight
00:12:35of no very great order, except to those inconvenienced by it.
00:12:39What about the danger that in bedroom slippers, a 93-year-old lady, not perhaps too steady
00:12:44on her pins, as the expression is, might miss her footing and fall from top virtually to
00:12:50bottom?
00:12:51A feasibility study was carried out in 1970.
00:12:54No dangers of that nature were anticipated.
00:12:56Is it true that there are mattresses placed against the bottom of the sheer north face
00:12:59against this very contingency, unanticipated, though you say it was?
00:13:03These were placed there subsequently.
00:13:05As an afterthought.
00:13:06And in response to public outcry, when it was found that old-age pensioners, falling
00:13:10from some considerable height, were going straight through to the underworld on hitting
00:13:14the ground.
00:13:15To the where?
00:13:16Oh, the underworld, Melud, sometimes known as Hades.
00:13:20You mean the infernal regions?
00:13:22Yes, Melud.
00:13:23Then say so.
00:13:24Indeed, it is true, is it not, that some of the pensioners, even after the provision
00:13:29of mattresses, were continuing to go straight through, this time taking the mattresses with
00:13:33them.
00:13:34And I put it to you that it is no part of the divine purpose that man or woman should,
00:13:42after leading a possibly blameless life for 70 or 80 years, make his or her entrance into
00:13:47the infernal regions like a sack of coals coming down a chute, arrive in Hades unannounced
00:13:53and wrapped in a mattress.
00:13:55And one might be said to have got off to a dubious start, so far as the afterlife is
00:13:58concerned.
00:13:59It could lead to problems.
00:14:01It could lead to eternal damnation.
00:14:03I suppose so, yes.
00:14:04Well, scarcely an inviting prospect, mattress or no mattress.
00:14:07I suppose not.
00:14:09It is to establish this vital point beyond any shadow of doubt that, at a later stage
00:14:14in the hearing, Defence Council brings a man of God to the witness box.
00:14:18If one was so unfortunate as to be damned eternally, one would know all about it, I
00:14:23presume.
00:14:24Oh, yes, indeed.
00:14:25And it is for this reason, in the main, that one advises one's parishioners against it.
00:14:30Nothing to look forward to except an endless round of sin and vice, indulged in unremittingly
00:14:34for the better part, perhaps, of eternity, until such glamour as it might once have had
00:14:38has long since departed from it.
00:14:40That would be about the size of it, yes.
00:14:42It would take all pleasure out of the afterlife and leave one feeling fit for very little
00:14:46afterwards.
00:14:47Only one of pensionable age would very likely find it too much for them.
00:14:51Nor, presumably, would there be any getting out of it at all easily.
00:14:54If you don't take part with the others, show willing, as the expression is, you are looked
00:14:58at, one imagines, as something of a leper, and might possibly be sent to Coventry by
00:15:02your fellow damnees.
00:15:04It is possible to get out of it by pleading sick, if you don't for any reason feel up
00:15:07to it for an eon or two, but they're not exactly enraptured when you do.
00:15:12Satan, in particular, taking a somewhat poor view.
00:15:16Satan would come down like a tonne of bricks.
00:15:18One would come, moreover, would one not, on frequent occasions, face to face with Satan.
00:15:22That is so, yes.
00:15:23Who is not the sort of person one would want to meet on a dark night, I would imagine.
00:15:26Indeed not.
00:15:27Many a person has been frightened out of his wits by such an encounter unexpectedly.
00:15:31One would normally say, in that sort of situation, get thee behind me, Satan.
00:15:36One would scarcely feel any safer within there, I imagine.
00:15:40He has been known to take advantage.
00:15:43Far too great a temptation to resist, one would imagine.
00:15:46I think at this point we might resist the temptation to go any further with this line
00:15:50of questioning.
00:15:51We will adjourn and return at 2.15.
00:16:02As we return to Crown Court, a cross-examination by Council should be continuing, but a hitch
00:16:06has occurred, whereby a Mrs Start-Ferret has taken the place in the witness box of the
00:16:10Chief Planning Advisor.
00:16:12She is being asked to be seen early and out of turn, owing to commitments elsewhere.
00:16:16As her evidence has nothing to do with the present case, Council is having to rephrase
00:16:21his questions in the light of this.
00:16:23Mrs Haley, a regular, you do realise, sir?
00:16:25Yes, I do, Your Honour.
00:16:26Well, you must bear that in mind throughout, otherwise you may find yourself in contempt
00:16:31of court, in which case I shall have no alternative but to sentence you to be detained in the
00:16:35cells until such time as you have made a full and unconditional apology to the court.
00:16:39Yes, I am aware of that, sir.
00:16:41And as a result of this, you paid a visit to a solicitor, I believe?
00:16:44That's right.
00:16:46Are we taking this evidence in the middle?
00:16:49It would seem better that way, M'Lady.
00:16:51Very good.
00:16:52Can you tell us how this visit came about?
00:16:55I was talking to my friend and telling him what had happened, which I won't body with
00:16:58now, and he said, would you like to see a solicitor?
00:17:02So I said, I've already seen one.
00:17:04He said, where?
00:17:05I said, on the television.
00:17:06He said, would you recognise him again?
00:17:09I said, yes, anywhere.
00:17:11So he said, right.
00:17:12What are we waiting for?
00:17:13And as a result, you fetched up, I think I'm right in saying, the offices of Purdue, Gabitass,
00:17:18Tatchbrook and Hobart, commissioners for oaths.
00:17:20Yes, to see Mr. Hobart.
00:17:22Whom you immediately recognised as the one you had seen on television.
00:17:25Oh, yes, it was the same one, all right.
00:17:28And your first words to him were what?
00:17:30I said, can you hear an oath?
00:17:33And he went across to the open window with his handcuff round his ear and he said, no.
00:17:37I don't think so.
00:17:38Can you?
00:17:39Whereupon?
00:17:40Whereupon?
00:17:41I said, it's my brother-in-law.
00:17:46Your brother-in-law comes into this in what way?
00:17:49Well, he'd hurt himself.
00:17:52Having hit his thumb with a hammer while nailing up a picture of the infant Jesus.
00:17:55That's right.
00:17:56And he wanted without delay to come out with an oath of some description in order to relieve
00:18:00his feeling.
00:18:01He was hopping about from one foot to the other.
00:18:03Having been bottling it up for some time while you were looking for solicitor.
00:18:06And with a homemade gag in his mouth to prevent the premature utterance of the oath.
00:18:11That's right.
00:18:12He was all set to utter it the moment the gag was removed.
00:18:14When the formalities were completed?
00:18:16Yes.
00:18:17What was the oath he was all set to come out with?
00:18:21Well, may I write it down?
00:18:25Yes, she can write it down.
00:18:33Hells, bells and buckets of blood.
00:18:37There were several possibilities that he had a list.
00:18:40That was his first choice.
00:18:42What was the reaction of your Mr. Hobart, the solicitor you had seen on television and
00:18:46were now confronting in the flesh, to the information that this was what you wanted
00:18:50to see him about?
00:18:51He was very understanding and produced this chair leg.
00:18:55Chair leg?
00:18:57It was about so long, my lord.
00:18:59With what purpose in mind?
00:19:00Well, he said the formalities might take some little time.
00:19:04Yes.
00:19:05Well, he was doubled up, you see, with a pain as well as jumping about.
00:19:10How does a chair leg come into this?
00:19:12Well, he said as the formalities might take some little time and he was in pain, he might
00:19:18like to be put under sedation till they were completed.
00:19:23He said it was one of the few concessions that the law allowed to human frailty and
00:19:28we might as well take advantage of it.
00:19:30By striking him over the head with a chair leg?
00:19:34Is this common practice?
00:19:35I've had no personal experience of it, my lord.
00:19:37We were hoping to have it under the swear now pay later scheme.
00:19:41Couldn't all this have been done over the telephone?
00:19:44Husbands ringing in from public call boxes purporting to be swearing on behalf of wives
00:19:47and sweethearts.
00:19:48Greengrocers impersonating members of parliament in order to let rip under the cloak of privilege.
00:19:53Make a mockery of the whole business, my lord.
00:19:55They said it could be the thin end of a very ugly wedge.
00:19:58Yes, I see the force of that, I suppose, very well.
00:20:01So I said, couldn't he have voice training first?
00:20:05Voice training?
00:20:07I wanted his voice to be in tip-top condition so as he'd do full justice to the oath when
00:20:12the time came.
00:20:13Otherwise it was money down the drain.
00:20:14Surely no man in his right senses would attempt to nail up a picture of the infant Jesus unless
00:20:20his larynx was in reasonably good nick, as the expression is to start with.
00:20:24Oh, I think we've had enough of this witness and can now revert to the original witness
00:20:29whose evidence was interrupted.
00:20:31Yes, your lordship, please is.
00:20:38This woman has had an unusually long run for her money and as she leaves the court clearly
00:20:43seems to realise it.
00:20:44Oh yes, very satisfied, I've no complaints at all.
00:20:47A very generous allowance of time.
00:20:48Yes, I was very pleased.
00:20:50The chief planning consultant is now back in the witness box and the examination can
00:20:55continue.
00:20:56All by any means of the various projects on which cosmic planning consultants have been
00:21:01called in as advisors have received universal acclaim.
00:21:05I'm referring in particular to the scheme elaborately worked out by you for a midnight
00:21:10sunbathing lido on the Dead Sea over which you were severely criticised in having failed
00:21:16to take into account the relative absence of effective sunlight at that time during
00:21:20the 24 hours.
00:21:21I won't deny we had to take a certain amount of stick over that.
00:21:24You were, if I may refresh your memory, very frank and open about it at the time, going
00:21:28so far as to admit in a letter I have before me now, which I shall pass to his lordship
00:21:31and to the jury presently, that in some respects you had failed, in your own words, to do our
00:21:36homework on this one.
00:21:38We tried to take a reasonable line on it, certainly.
00:21:40There are a number of letters relating to all manner of enterprises, including this
00:21:44one.
00:21:45Address this time to a Mr. Driscoll.
00:21:47Dear Mr. Driscoll, it begins, it would appear to have happened again.
00:21:51You seem plagued by gremlins, and it seems that your decision to build a bird sanctuary
00:21:55underground was made on advice wrongly given to you by us.
00:21:59This is the kind of slip-up which can, however, all too easily occur, as I am sure you realise,
00:22:04and should not be blown up out of all proportion.
00:22:06Neither would it be advisable to shout it too much from the housetops, as this could
00:22:09make difficulties for everyone.
00:22:12Sealed lips, in other words, seem once more to be the order of the day.
00:22:16Day people who don't have the experience to judge can sometimes put the wrong interpretation
00:22:21on things, such as when, for example, a building falls down or a bridge collapses.
00:22:25As when a tower block some years ago collapsed like a house of cards within ten months of
00:22:29being completed.
00:22:30A tower block on which cosmic planning consultants were the advisors.
00:22:34That was due to a fault in the design, for which we refused to accept any responsibility.
00:22:38It was precisely the design you were brought in as advisors, was it not?
00:22:41Our function was to tender advice, this we did.
00:22:44Advice on the basis of which the block was constructed in such a way as to fall down
00:22:47shortly after being put up.
00:22:50The advice we gave was given in good faith.
00:22:53There was no obligation whatsoever on the part of the construction company to follow
00:22:57that advice.
00:22:58They took this responsibility entirely on their own initiative.
00:23:01We're perfectly clear on the matter.
00:23:03As in no fewer than two hundred and thirty-one disasters of a greater or lesser magnitude
00:23:08on which, over a period of years, you were acting as consultants.
00:23:14It's too easy for outsiders to apportion blame in these circumstances.
00:23:18Our conscience is perfectly clear.
00:23:20It is clear that Council is not going to be able to shake this witness in any way or wring
00:23:24any concession out of him that might damage his position, notwithstanding the damage that
00:23:28might have been done to others, though the case is by no means over yet.
00:23:32Join us tomorrow for another instalment in the case of Cosmic Planning Consultants versus
00:23:37the Rosenberg Research Foundation.
00:24:14The case from which you're about to see further edited highlights is a very fictitious one,
00:24:29and the proceedings are not as legally accurate as they might have been in the hands of a
00:24:33more competent writer.
00:24:35The characters in it are played by actors, and the jury is made up of people who've expressed
00:24:38their willingness to arrive impartially at any verdict required of them.
00:24:43It is a complex and unusual case, now in its fourth day, concerning the sighting of
00:24:47lavatories for an old people's home some 3,000 feet below the building which they were designed
00:24:53to serve, thus subjecting the old-age pensioners to considerable trouble and inconvenience.
00:24:59It is the task of Council for the plaintiffs, who are alleging libel against them on the
00:25:02part of their clients in respect of this, to minimise the gravity of the error, and
00:25:07thereby show that the charge of gross incompetence is unfounded.
00:25:11The credibility of an expert witness depends upon the effectiveness with which Council
00:25:15is able to establish his credentials at the very outset by skilful and subtle questioning.
00:25:22You are your Professor Upshot, and you occupy the chair of Comparative Geriatry at the University
00:25:29of Wakefield.
00:25:30Oh, yes, that is true, yes.
00:25:34You're the author, are you not, of a number of books, some of which are addressed to a
00:25:38wider public, Ill-Lit by Moonlight, My Encounter with the Largest Hippopotamus in the World,
00:25:44being perhaps the best known of these.
00:25:45Oh, yes, that is the one that my popular reputation is based upon, I think, yes.
00:25:50You're also the author of the standard work on high-altitude geriatry, which has gone
00:25:55into a number of editions and been translated into numerous foreign languages, and which
00:26:00has become something of a textbook for students on the subject, called Mountaineering at Ninety,
00:26:05Dream or Reality?
00:26:06Yes, it runs the other one a close second.
00:26:09You're not uninstructed, therefore, in these matters, and might indeed be said to be a
00:26:13worldwide authority on the effect of altitude upon the elderly.
00:26:17Yes, I would go as far as to say that, yes.
00:26:20Would it be true to say that the governments of Nepal and Afghanistan were interested in
00:26:25the experiment being carried out at this spot in the Cairngorms, and that they were in particular
00:26:32interested in the light it might shed on the problems of establishing old folks' homes
00:26:36in the Himalayas and elsewhere?
00:26:38Oh, there were deputations from all parts of the world.
00:26:41The Andes was another area where high-altitude geriatry was of prime concern.
00:26:47The high spots of the world?
00:26:49Oh, yes.
00:26:52The necessity in those regions of acclimatising the elderly to the making of journeys up and
00:26:56down sheer and relatively sheer rock faces, might well be exercising the government's
00:27:02commitments of these countries, might it not?
00:27:03Oh, yes, it was the number one topic.
00:27:06So that, in order for the pilot scheme being tried out here in the Cairngorms to be of
00:27:10use in the widest possible way, it would make absolute sense by placing the lavatories at
00:27:17the bottom to ensure that data might be forthcoming as to the feasibility of such journeys up
00:27:23and down.
00:27:24Oh, absolute sense.
00:27:25It was the crux of the whole exercise.
00:27:29An imaginative way, in fact, of achieving a sound and useful objective.
00:27:33It was the one thing that commended the scheme to those of us who were invited to look at
00:27:37it at an early stage.
00:27:39To what extent is 3,000 feet an acceptable height when elderly people are called upon
00:27:44to make the journey both up and down several times a day as well as during the night?
00:27:48Oh, by no means unacceptable, given a certain degree of fitness, of course.
00:27:55By no means beyond the reach of, for example, his lordship or of such of the old-age pensioners
00:28:00who are in court at the moment.
00:28:02Oh, yes, indeed, yes.
00:28:05It has been said that you are as young as you feel and that the secret of eternal youth
00:28:10is available to any one of us who chooses to open his mind to it.
00:28:15Queen Victoria is an example here, I think.
00:28:19It has been plausibly suggested, has it not, that even as quite an old woman, Queen Victoria
00:28:25who harboured a secret longing to wheel a wheelbarrow through streets broad and narrow,
00:28:29crying cockles and mussels, alive, alive, oh, and, in fact, to do so moreover at dead
00:28:35of night, did, in fact, on numerous occasions succumb to this craving?
00:28:41It's not too fanciful to imagine the scene where the sleeping populace of Windsor were
00:28:46awakened from their beds to cheer her as she did so.
00:28:50To cheer her, indeed, until they were hoarse before, after a quick gargle, returning to
00:28:56bed and sleep once again.
00:28:58Oh, indeed.
00:28:59It might well be, might it not, it might be this kind of activity that was the secret
00:29:05of her eternal youthfulness.
00:29:06I simply cannot go along with this blatant leading of the witness.
00:29:09It's a waste of public money to bring him here.
00:29:12It's great expensive.
00:29:13All he has to do when he gets to court is to find various ways of answering yes.
00:29:17I stand corrected, my lord.
00:29:20Are we cross-examining?
00:29:21With your lordship's permission.
00:29:24By all means.
00:29:25Would it be true to say that it makes nonsense of the whole notion of high-altitude geriatrie
00:29:30if old-age pensioners, on their journey back to bed in the small hours, miss their footing
00:29:35and finish up in heaps at the bottom?
00:29:37It may well be taken into account as a possibility when constructing a home of this kind.
00:29:43I put it to you it was not only not so taken in this instance, but that it was blatantly,
00:29:47either by negligence or design, ignored as a possibility.
00:29:50Oh, by no means.
00:29:52It may well be taken into account as a possibility and then ignored.
00:29:57A calculated risk.
00:29:58A risk worth taking in view of the purpose behind the whole exercise, which was in part
00:30:05to discover the effects of such minor oversights in developing buildings of a similar nature.
00:30:13I have no further witnesses, my lord.
00:30:16That is your case.
00:30:17It is, my lord.
00:30:18It is now for the defence to open its case.
00:30:20Whilst we're waiting for this to happen, this might be the moment to go outside the courtroom
00:30:24where witnesses are waiting to be called for other cases which are going on in the same
00:30:28building concurrently with our own, and are passing the time in small talk.
00:30:33The bottom seems to have fallen right out of horse-brasses.
00:30:37Right, I've never seen anything like it.
00:30:42I should be out looking for the wife.
00:30:47Left this message on the table for me.
00:30:50I'm being held prisoner in the Lake Isle of Innisfree by WB Yeats.
00:30:55He can be had out.
00:30:57Is death trap that close?
00:30:59They can usually look after themselves, women.
00:31:01I remember the Queen went missing once.
00:31:03Counsel for the defence has now opened his case and is questioning his first witness,
00:31:07an experienced mountaineer.
00:31:09Am I right in saying that you are an experienced mountaineer?
00:31:12Yes.
00:31:12Of several years' standing?
00:31:14Indeed.
00:31:15Perhaps you would take a look at the model here in the well of the court, and show us
00:31:18by means of the model the relative positions 3,000 feet apart of the old people's home
00:31:26and the lavatory serving it.
00:31:27To what extent can this be described as the same model as heretofore?
00:31:32It has sustained damage, my lord, and certain corrections may have to be made in respect
00:31:37of the scale.
00:31:38What is the extent of the damage?
00:31:41It was sat upon whilst in safekeeping, my lord.
00:31:44Sat upon?
00:31:45Yes, my lord.
00:31:46I see.
00:31:47There's also some marmalade, my lord, in one or two of the interstices, which has arrived
00:31:50there somewhat mysteriously, and points to there having been a moment, possibly more
00:31:54than one, when the model was the subject for discussion over the breakfast table, or perhaps
00:31:58it was being used for some other reason, such as to prop up a copy of a daily newspaper.
00:32:02Where is this marmalade?
00:32:04Not in any vital spot, my lord.
00:32:07Does the marmalade invalidate the model in any way?
00:32:11Not significantly, no, my lord.
00:32:12There are also some crumbs of toast, but these are a non-strategic area, so far as
00:32:17the case is concerned, and it is my submission it need not trouble us if the defence agrees.
00:32:22I'm perfectly happy.
00:32:23Well, as long as the model was in safekeeping at the time, which I understand it was, none
00:32:28of this furnishes any sound reason.
00:32:30Once the necessary correction has been made, why it should not continue to be used?
00:32:34I'm obliged to you, lordship.
00:32:35Perhaps you could indicate the route which would have to be taken by an old-age pensioner,
00:32:39taken short in the night.
00:32:41Well, of course, the mountain itself, which they would have to negotiate, has now been
00:32:44sat upon.
00:32:46But allowing for that, it would be up here, along, around this bit.
00:32:52Then they would have to negotiate round the overhang.
00:32:55Which is not easy in bedroom slippers.
00:32:58Virtually impossible.
00:32:59May he be shown Exhibit 2.
00:33:02Perhaps you would give us your expert opinion on the effectiveness of bedroom slippers when
00:33:08these have been modified in some such way as we see done in this instance and fitted
00:33:11with crampons.
00:33:13Under ice or snow, these would be virtually useless.
00:33:17Precipitate an avalanche and cover anyone who was on the throne under a few hundred
00:33:22thousand tons of snow.
00:33:23Not a happy eventuality, perhaps, for the only unfortunate person so visited.
00:33:27Never sit on the throne again with a quiet mind.
00:33:30It might be said, in fact, that these bedroom slippers are all right for anyone negotiating
00:33:33a rock garden in full daylight.
00:33:35Worse than useless for the sort of terrain we are concerned with here.
00:33:39I wouldn't wear them.
00:33:40Put it that way.
00:33:41So, that in other words, the route is, in your view, an impossible one, even when there
00:33:45is no such distortion as on the model here?
00:33:47Out of the question.
00:33:49A formidable line of argument, which has clearly impressed the jury, and which it will now
00:33:53be for the plaintiffs to attempt to demolish in cross-examination.
00:33:59You say you found this route an impossible one?
00:34:03Virtually impossible.
00:34:05Would it be true to say that a mountain goat could negotiate it without any difficulty
00:34:09at all?
00:34:10I'm not familiar with the habits of mountain goats.
00:34:13It would be a reasonable supposition, though, would it not, from what you know of mountain
00:34:17goats?
00:34:18I dare say a mountain goat would make a reasonable stab at it, yes.
00:34:21In other words, a mountain goat could do so, and yet an old-age pensioner, made in the
00:34:26image of God, as he is, is unable to do what a mere goat, not so fortunate to have been
00:34:31made in God's image, can do with one hoof tied behind his back, so to speak.
00:34:36Mountain goat can do precious little else but leap about on mountains.
00:34:39That's what it's there for.
00:34:40What you're saying, then, amounts to, correct me if I'm wrong, that though the structure
00:34:44known as Bellamy's Folly may be perfectly acceptable as home for goats who are past
00:34:51their prime, it is to be denied to God's children in their declining years because they're in
00:34:57some way inferior in not being able to reach lavatories which have been placed at the bottom
00:35:02with quite the dexterity with which a goat might do so.
00:35:04It's not a question of being inferior.
00:35:08You draw our attention to the overhang.
00:35:10How, in fact, would a qualified mountaineer negotiate such an overhang?
00:35:18Well, one would first find a toehold.
00:35:27Then give a sort of a heave, and Bob's more or less your uncle.
00:35:35When you say more or less your uncle, is he your uncle or isn't he?
00:35:42It depends, my lord, on the nature of the overhang and the strength of the heave.
00:35:47Would it not be true to say that Bob is, in fact, your uncle?
00:35:51Depends which Bob you're referring to.
00:35:52Well, which Bob are you referring to?
00:35:54I was referring to a hypothetical Bob.
00:35:56A hypothetical Bob, who I suggest is as much your uncle as your uncle is, if not more so.
00:36:02With respect, my lord, I would suggest we are being led here on something of a wild goose chase.
00:36:05Yes.
00:36:10Where is this line of questioning leading?
00:36:14I shall be in a better position to say, my lord, when we've got there.
00:36:19Well, I think we're chasing a blind goose up a wild alley and might well adjourn at this point.
00:36:24We will resume at two o'clock.
00:36:27It seems that Council may have cooked his client's goose at this juncture.
00:36:30If so, he has now no alternative but to lie on it.
00:36:34We shall see.
00:36:42As we come back at a somewhat later stage in the hearing,
00:36:45Council has just finished his examination of his second witness,
00:36:48an old-age pensioner who has sustained injury by falling several hundred feet
00:36:52and missing the mattresses placed at the bottom.
00:36:55Council for the plaintiff is about to cross-examine.
00:36:57We've heard your story as to how you came by the injuries you sustained,
00:37:02which is that you missed your footing and fell in consequence
00:37:06some several hundred feet down the mountainside.
00:37:10That's right.
00:37:12I would like to suggest to you that your injuries were in fact sustained in a quite different manner.
00:37:16No.
00:37:18I fell from this ledge and missed the mattress at the bottom.
00:37:23Let me take you back a number of years to the time when you were quite a young man.
00:37:27Twenty years old, in fact.
00:37:29At that time, like a number of other young men who were affected by the same craze,
00:37:34you were bitten by the bug, if I could put it, of ventriloquism.
00:37:39I dabbled.
00:37:41Ah, you dabbled. But with scant success, I fancy.
00:37:44Well, I never got to the top.
00:37:46I would put it to you, you never even rose from the bottom.
00:37:48Well, it wasn't for the want of triumph.
00:37:50It is by no means clear what line of argument is being pursued here,
00:37:53and the judge is himself obviously far from certain.
00:37:57In recent years,
00:37:59the memory of that failure has come increasingly to irk you, has it not?
00:38:04To the extent that you've begun, in a somewhat clandestine manner,
00:38:08to take it up again.
00:38:10Retiring behind closed doors in order to try not altogether successfully,
00:38:14once more to throw your voice from one end of the room to the other.
00:38:17The doors were not closed.
00:38:19Neither were the windows, I venture to suggest.
00:38:22What have the windows got to do with it?
00:38:24My contention is that they were open, my lord,
00:38:27and that witness, whose voice is a very powerful one,
00:38:30might well, in endeavouring to throw his voice,
00:38:33have found his voice instead throwing him.
00:38:36Was this an upstairs room?
00:38:38It was sort of upstairs.
00:38:42And you went out through the open window
00:38:45whilst your voice, which was more powerful than you thought it was,
00:38:48remained where it was in the room across which you were trying to throw it?
00:38:51I landed in the flowerbed.
00:38:53I see.
00:38:56These injuries, in short,
00:38:58were sustained in a manner totally at variance
00:39:02with the ones that you've described to us.
00:39:04Some of them might have been.
00:39:06And the story, therefore, of your fall,
00:39:08having fallen from a ledge several hundred feet up in the Cairngorms,
00:39:12is the purest fabrication from beginning to end.
00:39:15I suppose it could be.
00:39:18Consternation!
00:39:20It is by no means usual for a witness
00:39:22to admit to quite such blatant perjury in the witness box and while under oath.
00:39:25And it is something which will clearly have to be dealt with elsewhere
00:39:28and at some other time.
00:39:30Meanwhile, as the effect of this extraordinary admission dies down,
00:39:33the hearing continues.
00:39:38There is a slight interruption at this point
00:39:40as a witness attempts to force his way into the witness box.
00:39:43He is clearly in a state of some distress
00:39:45and the hearing must go into abeyance for a few moments
00:39:48for his needs to be attended to as a matter of urgency.
00:39:51Judge and counsellor are in conference
00:39:53over the most suitable way to deal with the emergency
00:39:56as witness, bursting with evidence
00:39:58which he obviously cannot keep bottled up for very much longer,
00:40:01strives as best as he can to get to the witness box.
00:40:04You represent Lactic Dairies?
00:40:06That is so.
00:40:08And should have been here yesterday?
00:40:10Yes.
00:40:12To give evidence in a totally different case?
00:40:14I was led to understand I could give evidence on this case instead.
00:40:17Why were you not in court yesterday when you were required?
00:40:20Having trouble with one of our rounds, my lord.
00:40:23In what way?
00:40:25He was playing ducks and drakes, not to put too far into it.
00:40:28He was playing ducks and drakes, not to put too far into it.
00:40:31He was playing ducks and drakes,
00:40:33not to put too far in a pot on it, my lord, with his milk float.
00:40:36Is this really serious enough
00:40:38to prevent your coming here to give evidence?
00:40:40The float, my lord, is by way of being the tradesman's badge of office.
00:40:43It's held by him on trust for the duration of his tour of duty.
00:40:46He is the temporary custodian.
00:40:49When you say he was playing ducks and drakes with it,
00:40:52what does this mean in plain terms?
00:40:54Not to beat about the bush, my lord,
00:40:56and mince words in any way.
00:40:58He'd gone down to brighten on it.
00:41:01Is it in the nature of this milk float
00:41:03that it is open to abuse in this way?
00:41:05We do our best to prevent it, my lord.
00:41:08What evidence is it that this witness is proposing to give?
00:41:12It is in respect of a case of assault and battery, my lord,
00:41:15involving a husband and wife.
00:41:17It's highly irregular that a witness called to give evidence in one case
00:41:20should come to court expecting to be accommodated
00:41:23on a different day in another.
00:41:25If evidence cannot for whatever reason be given at the proper time
00:41:28and in the proper place,
00:41:30there is a similar case of the same kind.
00:41:32The witness is clearly in a state of some distress, my lord.
00:41:35How long will it take you to get whatever it is out of your system?
00:41:39A couple of minutes, my lord, depending upon the questions.
00:41:42Very well.
00:41:44In future, you will make sure that you are here when you are required.
00:41:47Give your evidence to counsel
00:41:49and I shall instruct the jury to ignore it accordingly.
00:41:52Thank you, my lord.
00:41:54I'm much obliged to you.
00:41:56It's a great release.
00:41:58Where were you on the night of the 24th of August last year?
00:42:00I was on holiday in Scotland.
00:42:02And could not, therefore, have been able to witness
00:42:04a case of assault and battery in Wanstead?
00:42:06No. Thank you.
00:42:08No questions, my lord.
00:42:10You can stand down.
00:42:18A second old-age pensioner, Mrs Olga Freetumble,
00:42:21has been called by counsel
00:42:23and is now likewise being cross-examined by plaintiff's counsel,
00:42:26offering a neat and intriguing line of argument.
00:42:29Old-age pensioners, we are given to understand,
00:42:32making the journey, sometimes in the middle of the night,
00:42:35and missing their footing,
00:42:37show a tendency to arrive at the bottom with undue suddenness.
00:42:41Oh, they do. I did myself.
00:42:43Which is disconcerting and could indeed be fatal.
00:42:46Oh, it nearly was.
00:42:48We've all heard the story, have we not,
00:42:50of the clumsy housemaid
00:42:53who, dropping a plate or a cup to the floor,
00:42:57where it smashes beyond repair,
00:42:59is heard to exclaim indignantly,
00:43:01''But I only let go of it for a split second.''
00:43:05Whereupon she receives the retort,
00:43:08''It's enough, Mavis.''
00:43:10Yes?
00:43:12Well, may be, may it not,
00:43:14but for the force of gravity,
00:43:16that plate or cup
00:43:18could have remained intact to this day.
00:43:21No reason why not.
00:43:23It is now some 300 years or so, is it not,
00:43:26since gravity was discovered by Sir Isaac Newton.
00:43:30Well, I suppose that would be so.
00:43:32Indeed, he had been hunting high and low for it,
00:43:35had he not, over a considerable period of time.
00:43:38I wouldn't know about that.
00:43:40And the search was finally crowned with success,
00:43:43if legend is to be believed,
00:43:45when he came upon it, so we are told,
00:43:48the back of a boot and shoe cupboard,
00:43:50to which he'd gone in search for something else,
00:43:53and saw it crouching down behind, so they say,
00:43:56a roll of linoleum,
00:43:58swathed from head to foot
00:44:00in some kind of curtain material,
00:44:03doubtless hoping thereby to be mistaken
00:44:06for Henry Irving in a Midsummer Night's Dream.
00:44:09A vain hope, as it turned out,
00:44:11for Sir Isaac recognised it at once
00:44:13and made the famous remark,
00:44:16A force of gravity, and I claim my five pounds.
00:44:19Now, had he not had the presence so to do,
00:44:23it is possible that gravity may have eluded him,
00:44:27and that, in consequence, we might still be looking for it.
00:44:33Well, I suppose that could be true, yes.
00:44:38Where is this line of questioning leading?
00:44:41I was endeavouring to demonstrate, my Lord,
00:44:43that the force of gravity is a significant factor here,
00:44:46and that the lion's share for the blame for the witness's injury
00:44:50must be laid fairly and squarely at the door of Sir Isaac Newton,
00:44:54since it was his discovery of gravity in the 17th century
00:44:57that may be said to have set in motion
00:45:00the course of events which have culminated in these injuries,
00:45:03and that, if this be so, my clients are blameless in the matter.
00:45:06Is it your contention that if the force of gravity were done away with,
00:45:10no harm would have befallen these unfortunate people?
00:45:13It is my submission, my Lord,
00:45:15that they would have been able to take their time getting both down and up.
00:45:19This is a line of argument so potentially damaging to the defence
00:45:23that counsel must lose no time in scotching it.
00:45:26Many is the time, I dare say,
00:45:28when all of us, in a moment of exasperation,
00:45:31as a precious vase or ornament has fallen to the floor
00:45:34and smashed beyond repair, have said to ourselves,
00:45:37and all its works,
00:45:39you must indeed have uttered some such expostulation yourself, I imagine.
00:45:43Oh, yes, many a time.
00:45:45That gravity is holding the universe together, is it not?
00:45:48So they say.
00:45:50So that were your wish, and those of countless others,
00:45:53in like circumstances, to be granted and gravity be indeed done away with,
00:45:57the universe would forthwith fall apart at the seams,
00:46:01and you and I would wake up one fine morning,
00:46:05stepping out of bed into empty space.
00:46:08Oh, I suppose that could be so, yes.
00:46:11There are those who might in such a situation be disposed to say,
00:46:14what's happened to the flaming universe all of a sudden?
00:46:17It seems to have disappeared off the face of the earth.
00:46:20Adding, perhaps, as an afterthought, it must have gone round to its antiflows,
00:46:24for some reason, doubtless having heard of a death in the family
00:46:27and wishing to offer its condolences.
00:46:29And its being early closing day at the butcher's
00:46:32would lend some plausibility to such an assumption,
00:46:35since there could be little other reason for its absence.
00:46:38Well, I wouldn't know about that.
00:46:40At all events, no matter with what fervour one might on occasion
00:46:43wish gravity to the devil, the disappearance of the universe
00:46:46would be something that, as an old-age pensioner,
00:46:49you would not greatly appreciate being saddled with,
00:46:52having enough to contend with already in these inflationary times.
00:46:55Oh, no, I wouldn't like to do without the universe.
00:46:58You'd kick up a bit of a stink, in fact, to use a homely expression.
00:47:01I think it would be a liberty.
00:47:03You think it would be a liberty?
00:47:05Yes, I do.
00:47:09On that somewhat unsettling note, we must leave Crown Court for today.
00:47:12Join us tomorrow for another instalment in the case of Cosmic Planning Consultants
00:47:15versus the Rosenberg Research Foundation.
00:47:31Cosmic Planning Consultants
00:47:34Cosmic Planning Consultants
00:47:37Cosmic Planning Consultants
00:47:40Cosmic Planning Consultants
00:47:43Cosmic Planning Consultants
00:47:46Cosmic Planning Consultants
00:47:49Cosmic Planning Consultants
00:47:52Cosmic Planning Consultants
00:47:55Cosmic Planning Consultants
00:47:58Cosmic Planning Consultants
00:48:01Cosmic Planning Consultants
00:48:04Cosmic Planning Consultants
00:48:07Cosmic Planning Consultants
00:48:10Cosmic Planning Consultants
00:48:13Cosmic Planning Consultants
00:48:16The case from which we're about to see some further edited highlights
00:48:19is just as fictitious as before and the procedure no more legally accurate.
00:48:22The characters are still being played by actors
00:48:25who at the end of the hearing were retired to the jury room
00:48:28in order to be told what verdict to come to.
00:48:31We're now entering the 73rd day in the case of Cosmic Planning Consultants
00:48:34versus the Rosenberg Research Foundation
00:48:37in which, by an oversight, an old people's home
00:48:403,000 feet up in the Cairngorms has been provided with lavatories
00:48:43situated at the foot of a sheer precipice
00:48:46several thousand feet below.
00:48:49It's been an exceptionally protracted hearing
00:48:52and the experts have put up what the judge has referred to
00:48:55as a veritable smokescreen of red headings.
00:48:58It's in the nature of red headings, however,
00:49:01that sooner or later they come home to roost
00:49:04and in these final stages of the hearing
00:49:07we may expect to hear the flapping of their wings.
00:49:10Defence Council is questioning a vital witness.
00:49:13Why is he dressed in this peculiar manner?
00:49:16He is a Sherpa, my lad, a Himalayan mountain guide
00:49:19to the summits of such mountains as Everest.
00:49:22Everest? Yes, my lad.
00:49:24What is there about the summit of Everest
00:49:27that makes it so vital to arrive there?
00:49:30It is done in order to keep such people as Sherpa Solo Kombu here in business, my lad,
00:49:33and so prevent their becoming a burden on the state
00:49:36by reason of unemployment. I see.
00:49:39And you have come here straight from the Himalayas.
00:49:42Yes, sir. Having had no time to change.
00:49:45I was in the middle, sir, of taking a party up the foot of Everest
00:49:48when I was summoned to be here to give evidence to the court.
00:49:51Where is this party now?
00:49:54They're on the mountainside playing Ludo, my lad, awaiting his return.
00:49:57Are they safe? Oh, yes, sir.
00:50:00They're all roped together. I said I wouldn't be long.
00:50:03He came here hot foot, my lad. Hot foot?
00:50:06Yes, my lad. How hot? Not very now, sir.
00:50:09He arrived some moments ago, my lad, and has been cooling his heels.
00:50:12Do you want time to cool the rest of your feet?
00:50:15No, thank you, sir. I'm fine.
00:50:18In view of the people waiting on the mountain for his return, my lad,
00:50:21it might be better to expedite matters in respect of this witness.
00:50:24As long as his feet are hot, though they may be,
00:50:27still in certain parts,
00:50:30not doing any damage to the floor of the witness box.
00:50:36There are scorch marks from a previous witness,
00:50:39in another case, my lord, but no further damage.
00:50:42Counsel can now begin questioning the witness
00:50:45as to his dealings with cosmic planning consultants.
00:50:48Ineptitude is a word which has been bandied about
00:50:51with some frequency in respect of operations advised upon
00:50:54by cosmic planning consultants, and in far-flung places.
00:50:57Oh, certainly so in the Himalayas.
00:51:00Now, when you were called upon to act as guide to such of these old folk
00:51:03as needed to make the descent in the small hours,
00:51:06were you surprised in any way to learn that it was necessary
00:51:09for them to negotiate so difficult a route
00:51:12in order to be able to attend to a simple call of nature?
00:51:15Not when I knew who the planning consultants had been.
00:51:18Would it be true to say that they were a byword for incompetence wherever you went?
00:51:21Absolutely. They were indeed. Not to put too fine a point on it.
00:51:24A standing joke in places as far apart as Worthing and Walla Walla,
00:51:27than which no two places could be farther apart.
00:51:30Oh, difficult.
00:51:33Unless one perhaps were to take a very circuitous route. Exactly.
00:51:36Now, during the course of your duties in and around Bellamy's Folly,
00:51:39here at the summit of this escarpment in the Cairngorms,
00:51:42you must frequently have heard remarks passed by the pensioners
00:51:45in which the sighting of the lavatories was the subject.
00:51:48It was the sole topic of conversation.
00:51:51Nor was the tenor of these remarks notably flattering to cosmic planning consultants,
00:51:54under whose aegis they had been placed there so awkwardly.
00:51:57They thought it was a disgrace. In a sense, therefore,
00:52:00it would be true to say that this particular boob,
00:52:03if that is not too strong a word, was, in a manner of speaking,
00:52:06a vindication of an already widespread and long-standing reputation
00:52:09for errors of a startling magnitude.
00:52:12That would be so. Thank you.
00:52:15This is a strong witness whose evidence is potentially
00:52:18very damaging to the plaintiffs,
00:52:21whose counsel must now seek to undermine his credibility in the eyes of the jury.
00:52:24As an experienced mountain guide,
00:52:27who has been on many an expedition to Everest, among other mountains,
00:52:31you were called in on this scheme at an early stage
00:52:34to reconnoitre in the Alps for a suitable site
00:52:37prior to Bellamy's folly being, as it were,
00:52:40found to be tailor-made for the purpose.
00:52:43That is so. And you were combing the Alps on this errand
00:52:46and were at the top of the Matterhorn when news reached you
00:52:49that the site had been found near a home in the Cairngorms. Yes.
00:52:52What was your reaction to the news, as best you recall?
00:52:55I was a bit put out.
00:52:58You were, I suggest, hardly chuffed. No.
00:53:01You used the word typical, in fact.
00:53:04I may have said something of the kind.
00:53:07I suggest your disenchantment with this eventuality
00:53:10coloured your attitude and your thinking not a little. Not really.
00:53:13It was a further cause for dungeon as well, was there not,
00:53:16when you returned for a time
00:53:19to your more familiar haunts in the Himalayas,
00:53:22where you were wont to stray when not on duty,
00:53:25in the search, perhaps, for the perfect Himalaya,
00:53:28the Himalaya of your dreams,
00:53:31the Himalaya which nevertheless perpetually eluded you.
00:53:34I can't remember any dungeon.
00:53:37Well, let me remind you.
00:53:40It is a fact, is it not, that while you were traipsing round the Alps
00:53:43on behalf of the defendants, you picked up the habit of yodelling
00:53:47from such Swiss Alpine guides
00:53:50as you were thrown amongst from time to time,
00:53:53insofar that it began to grow on you
00:53:56and you found yourself doing it almost by force of habit,
00:53:59unaware that you were doing so.
00:54:02I indulge in the odd yodel?
00:54:05Rather more, I would suggest, than the odd yodel.
00:54:09So much so that there were complaints,
00:54:12and you had more than one brush with the Nepalese government about it.
00:54:15We communicated.
00:54:18What was the substance of those communications? I can't remember.
00:54:21Let me refresh your memory once again.
00:54:24The burden of the complaints made to you
00:54:27was that your yodelling, by your yodelling,
00:54:31you were keeping the entire sub-Indian continent awake at night,
00:54:35since you by now had taken to nocturnal yodelling,
00:54:39and that it was a case not to put too fine a point on it, a belt up or else.
00:54:42It was trumped up.
00:54:45I yodelled in an undertone at night.
00:54:48Can you give His Lordship and the jury
00:54:51an example of what you mean by yodelling in an undertone?
00:54:55Perhaps not a welcome sound
00:54:58to the ears of the sleeping populace around.
00:55:01It echoed.
00:55:04Precisely. From Himalaya to Himalaya.
00:55:07And now it echoes.
00:55:10It echoes.
00:55:13It echoes.
00:55:16It echoes.
00:55:19It echoes.
00:55:22From Himalaya to Himalaya, and then south to Khornepore,
00:55:26and even more remote regions.
00:55:29If the wind were in the right direction, you could have been heard as far away as Tibet.
00:55:33Only once.
00:55:36I would suggest to you that reactions to your yodelling
00:55:39were characterised by a singular lack of restraint,
00:55:42and that arising out of this, hackles rose on both sides.
00:55:45Not all that much.
00:55:48And it is this feeling of suppressed rancour
00:55:51or interpretation of the remarks you say you overheard
00:55:54from the old-age pensioners when descending to the lavatories at night and at other times.
00:55:58I'm only saying what I heard.
00:56:01Some cheerfully disrespectful remarks.
00:56:04Remarks indicative of a certain degree perhaps of blunt humour,
00:56:08from which there was a total absence of any kind of rancour,
00:56:12and partaking of the nature of light-hearted pleasantries,
00:56:16not to be taken too seriously.
00:56:20At such an altitude, in such a rarefied atmosphere,
00:56:24conversation might well have begun to flag,
00:56:27but for some such fodder to keep it going, might it not?
00:56:31And the pensioners might well have been grateful for some topic of this nature,
00:56:36to keep boredom at bay.
00:56:38That was not my impression.
00:56:40Nevertheless, it's possible.
00:56:42It's possible, yes.
00:56:46That is my case, my lad.
00:56:48The hearing is now entering its final stages,
00:56:51as counsel for plaintiffs embarks on his speech to the jury.
00:57:02This case, members of the jury,
00:57:05has been marked by a number of irrelevant side issues,
00:57:08which I propose to deal with and dispose of at the outset.
00:57:12We've heard evidence, for example, from expert witnesses,
00:57:16with respect to rubber teeth.
00:57:18Rubber teeth, it has been said,
00:57:20have the advantage that if they happen to fall out, they bounce.
00:57:24Now, it is not perhaps generally known, for instance,
00:57:27that a tiger in the wild can be driven clean out of its mind
00:57:31by the simple strategy of replacing its own teeth,
00:57:35under a suitable anaesthetic, with rubber ones.
00:57:40When next it attempts, ineffectually, to tear at its prey,
00:57:43the hapless tiger,
00:57:45unaware that rubber teeth have been substituted for its own,
00:57:49will look around in total bafflement
00:57:52as it tries ineffectually again and again to dismember its prey.
00:57:58What of the prey thus spared?
00:58:01Will it not perhaps start, as a result,
00:58:03to adopt a perhaps fatally la-di-da attitude,
00:58:07under the erroneous impression that it bears a charmed life?
00:58:10It is clearly part of Council's strategy here,
00:58:13as it has been throughout, to deflect attention away
00:58:16from those matters which are germane to the case,
00:58:19and concentrate instead on side issues of doubtful relevance.
00:58:22And this is what is happening here.
00:58:24The jungle is a cruel place.
00:58:27And we would be wrong to suppose that this in any way
00:58:31justifies the contention on behalf of the defendants of this action,
00:58:35the Rosenberg Research Foundation,
00:58:37that their remarks were in any sense fair comment.
00:58:40Rubber teeth having been effectively disposed of,
00:58:43Council winds up his speech to the jury
00:58:45by referring to a point he himself raised earlier in the hearing,
00:58:48and wishes now to heap scorn upon.
00:58:53Much has been made during this hearing.
00:58:56Are the responsibility devolving upon Sir Isaac Newton
00:59:00in having discovered the force of gravity
00:59:03in, we are told, the back of a boot and shoe cupboard?
00:59:07Had he not done so, we are invited to assume,
00:59:11no harm would have befallen any of the unfortunate age...
00:59:16the old-age pensioners
00:59:18whose precipitate arrival at the bottom of a 3,000-foot drop
00:59:22has so incommoded them.
00:59:24This is not a matter that I propose to spend time on now.
00:59:30Sir Isaac Newton's was a mind,
00:59:32in the poet words of a celebrated phrase,
00:59:35forever voyaging through strange seas of thought alone.
00:59:40Now, it is there, I would suggest, that it might be left.
00:59:44There, I think we might also leave it.
00:59:47We will resume at 2.15.
00:59:59As we return to the court,
01:00:01counsel for the defence is making his final submission to the jury,
01:00:05and we pick him up as he enters upon his peroration.
01:00:08It has been said, members of the jury, that to err is human.
01:00:13I would suggest to you that to err no fewer than 231 times,
01:00:17and on a quite disproportionate scale,
01:00:20as cosmic planning consultants have done over the years,
01:00:23is not human, but superhuman.
01:00:26The plaintiffs are bringing this case
01:00:28because they say they have been injured in their reputation
01:00:31by the words complained of.
01:00:33One might well ask, what reputation?
01:00:35A reputation for making monumental boobs?
01:00:37Cock-ups on a scale altogether unprecedented in the field of engineering?
01:00:42I would suggest to you that their reputation,
01:00:44so far from being in any way injured,
01:00:46has been abundantly vindicated.
01:00:48We have heard how venture after venture
01:00:51on which the plaintiffs have been advisers
01:00:53has come to a disastrous end.
01:00:55We have heard, indeed, of no single project which has succeeded.
01:00:58The record is one of disaster following upon disaster.
01:01:01They have, it might be said,
01:01:03a reputation for ineptitude unmatched anywhere in their field.
01:01:07All my clients have done in publishing the words complained of
01:01:11is to advance that reputation, not diminish it.
01:01:15In my submission, therefore,
01:01:17the plaintiff has failed to establish his case,
01:01:19and I will ask for judgment for the defendants with costs.
01:01:22It is clear that this line of reasoning has impressed the jury
01:01:25and is causing some concern to the plaintiffs,
01:01:28who must now be anxiously awaiting the judges' summing up.
01:01:32Libel is the publication of a false and derogatory statement
01:01:37about someone which may have a tendency to injure him
01:01:40in his office, profession or trade.
01:01:44The defence is one of justification and fair comment.
01:01:49Now, in order that this defence may stand,
01:01:52you, the jury, must be satisfied
01:01:54that the words in question are based on facts truly stated
01:01:58or that they are honestly believed to be true
01:02:01and that the defendants were not inspired by malice towards the plaintiffs
01:02:05and, finally, that they are on a matter of public interest.
01:02:11What?
01:02:13Where?
01:02:15Outside the court, milord.
01:02:16Is there someone there to deal with it?
01:02:18It can be arranged.
01:02:19Yes, it will.
01:02:23Why does it always happen when I'm on?
01:02:26But where's the...
01:02:32You are a lecturer in anthropology at the University of Wykefield.
01:02:36Yes, I am.
01:02:37It says here you've had wide experience in this field.
01:02:40I've had wide experience in a number of fields.
01:02:43How wide were these experiences?
01:02:45They varied in width.
01:02:47How wide was the widest of them?
01:02:50Well, was it broad wide?
01:02:53Very wide. Wider at one end than the other.
01:02:56It bulged out in the middle.
01:02:58You are not a stranger, perhaps,
01:03:00to experiences which bulge out in the middle.
01:03:03This is a witness who, having arrived too late
01:03:05to give evidence to counsel from the witness box, as she had hoped,
01:03:08must make do with the cleaning lady,
01:03:10in whose capable hands she can safely be left
01:03:12as we go back into court
01:03:14where the judge is now dealing with the evidence
01:03:16given by Mrs Start-Ferret
01:03:18concerning her husband's visit to a commissioner for oaths.
01:03:22This is a matter which,
01:03:24because it has no bearing whatsoever on the case before you,
01:03:27you must expunge totally from your minds.
01:03:30For this reason, I must take you through
01:03:32Mrs Start-Ferret's evidence in some detail,
01:03:35since no smallest scintilla of doubt or uncertainty
01:03:39must exist in your minds
01:03:41as to what it is you are disregarding.
01:03:44Mrs Start-Ferret's husband, you will recall,
01:03:47was nailing up a picture of the infant Jesus in their living room
01:03:51when he struck his thumb with a hammer,
01:03:53the very hammer with which he was proposing
01:03:55to knock in the nail to hold the picture.
01:03:58His natural impulse was to cry out,
01:04:01using one of a vast number of putative expletives
01:04:06of which it may be sod and blast
01:04:10would be a fairly representative example.
01:04:13Mr Start-Ferret, being a responsible citizen,
01:04:16restrained himself at that juncture,
01:04:18holding back the oath with the help of a gag
01:04:21quickly improvised by his spouse
01:04:23the moment he saw how matters lay,
01:04:25and made off,
01:04:27accompanied by Mrs Start-Ferret,
01:04:29hot-foot to his nearest commissioner for oaths
01:04:33in order to let him, as the expression is,
01:04:36have a right mouthful
01:04:38and so get it well and truly out of his system.
01:04:42It was no part of his plan, however,
01:04:46on setting out for the solicitors in the high street
01:04:49that he should be hit on the head with a chair leg
01:04:52almost immediately on entry.
01:04:55Nevertheless, this is what happened.
01:04:59For what followed,
01:05:03I must call on counsel to refresh my memory,
01:05:06and the jury will therefore absent themselves
01:05:08for a few moments until asked to return.
01:05:11It is a most unusual departure from normal judicial practice
01:05:14for a judge to interrupt his summing up in this way.
01:05:17One can only assume that a page of his notes
01:05:19has been made illegible in some way,
01:05:21perhaps by Coco having been upset over them.
01:05:25There's nothing legible in my notes here
01:05:28as to how it was proposed to bring the husband round again
01:05:31after he'd been laid low by means of the chair leg.
01:05:34I think it was intended to give him what was described by witnesses
01:05:37as a kick up the backside, my lord.
01:05:39That would certainly be in keeping,
01:05:41but the whole thing seems to be the smack of the Middle Ages.
01:05:43It is a bone of contention
01:05:45as to how best to deal with this situation, my lord.
01:05:47It has been known indeed for a solicitor to require help
01:05:50and to find himself tossing a semi-comatose client around
01:05:53like a rag doll in a somewhat desperate
01:05:55and indeed vain attempt to produce results.
01:05:57This client over whom it would be a perfectly simple matter,
01:06:01I would have thought to throw a bucket of water
01:06:03and achieve the same result much more simply.
01:06:05There is a school of thought which does favour this, my lord,
01:06:08but it has all too frequently been known
01:06:11for a client to come round and kick one rather forcibly on the shins.
01:06:15Yes, with the added problem that the solicitor, when so kicked,
01:06:19may involuntarily come out with an untermedidated oath.
01:06:22And in so doing bring the law into disrepute.
01:06:24Yes.
01:06:25The instances have occurred of solicitors ending up in Dartmoor
01:06:28breaking stones as a result of unauthorised irregularities
01:06:31in the oaths procedure.
01:06:33And this is not an eventuality that one would wish to encourage.
01:06:36Indeed not.
01:06:38For many there would be a tendency, my lord,
01:06:41on seeing this happen to others, to say,
01:06:43this is not what I came into soliciting for.
01:06:45Yes, I can readily imagine some such response.
01:06:48It is nevertheless a matter that should be looked into
01:06:51with the least possible delay,
01:06:53possibly by the setting up of a royal commission
01:06:56or some other machinery such as our legislators, in their wisdom, may devise.
01:07:00I think we could have the jury back now, if you please.
01:07:03Meanwhile, witness is still being questioned in the corridor outside the courtroom.
01:07:07Perhaps you would care to look closely at this photograph.
01:07:10It is a photograph of a field, is it not, taken from the air.
01:07:14Yes, I recognise it.
01:07:16It is the very field, is it not, in which you have the experience,
01:07:19one of many, which, as you put it, bulged out in the middle.
01:07:22I remember it, because normally I tend to go for the kind of experience
01:07:26which is the same width all the way down.
01:07:29And up.
01:07:31Up too.
01:07:33What was it about this particular field
01:07:35that caused the experience you had in it to differ so radically
01:07:38from those you'd had elsewhere?
01:07:40There were thistles.
01:07:42As we go back once more to the court,
01:07:44the judge has come to the very crux of the matter
01:07:47which, however, the jury will shortly have to consider.
01:07:50What you have to decide, members of the jury,
01:07:53is whether the words used are capable of having a damaging interpretation
01:07:57in the minds of reasonable people, reading them or listening to them.
01:08:02Now, let me repeat these words to you.
01:08:05They have made a right old bollocks up from start to finish,
01:08:09and we're going to take them to the cleaners over this
01:08:12and call their bluff once and for all.
01:08:15Though you or I, reading these words in a weekly publication
01:08:19or a daily newspaper
01:08:21or coming across them in a letter over the breakfast table,
01:08:24might well be disposed to think first sight
01:08:27that criticism of some kind is being levelled at the person
01:08:30or persons towards whom they are being directed.
01:08:33A right old bollocks up from start to finish.
01:08:38But let us look at this
01:08:41in the context of the other remarks of which it forms part.
01:08:45We are going to take them to the cleaners.
01:08:48We are going to call their bluff once and for all.
01:08:52These are the kind of phrases that one would use, are they not,
01:08:56were one in a certain particular kind of mood.
01:08:59If perhaps one's wife had been more than usually cantankerous at breakfast
01:09:04or the car battery was flat when one was attempting to start the car
01:09:09in pursuit of some perhaps rather attractive young woman
01:09:12disappearing rapidly into the distance,
01:09:14one would be looking, would one not,
01:09:17for some way of relieving one's feelings.
01:09:22Nevertheless, what you have to decide,
01:09:26having respect both to the facts and to what you know of human nature,
01:09:30is whether any reasonable person reading those words
01:09:35they have made a right old bollocks up from start to finish
01:09:38and reading them in the context of the other remarks
01:09:41would modify them in his own mind
01:09:43in the light of what, reading between the lines,
01:09:46he can infer about the writer's state of mind at the time of writing them.
01:09:51If it says to himself,
01:09:53this person, this geezer has clearly got out of bed the wrong side
01:09:58on the morning he wrote this
01:10:00and is just getting it out of his system at the expense of the plaintiffs
01:10:03so it hasn't got to be taken too seriously,
01:10:06then you may feel that the charge of malice falls down
01:10:10since no reasonable person would attribute malice to it.
01:10:14If you accept this, it would seem to follow
01:10:17that any damaging imputation contained in the words
01:10:21they have made a right old bollocks up from start to finish
01:10:25is non-existent
01:10:27since no reasonable person,
01:10:29knowing the state of mind in which the words were set down,
01:10:32would believe them to be literally true.
01:10:37The fact, therefore, that they are literally true
01:10:41if, as the defendants have tried to show, it is a fact
01:10:44is, you may think, neither here nor there
01:10:48and may be ignored
01:10:50except by those who have suffered as a result.
01:10:54The facts, therefore, that you have to consider are simple ones.
01:10:59It is now for the jury to retire, elect a foreman
01:11:02and reach their predetermined verdict.
01:11:07Members of the jury, will your foreman please stand.
01:11:12Please answer these questions, yes or no.
01:11:14Have you decided upon the answers to the agreed questions
01:11:17which you have before you?
01:11:18Yes.
01:11:19Were the words complained of in the defendant's letter
01:11:22and subsequent interview
01:11:24likely to bring the plaintiff into hatred, ridicule or contempt?
01:11:28Yes.
01:11:29Were the statements true or believed to be true
01:11:32Yes.
01:11:33Were the statements true or believed without malice
01:11:36to be true by the defendants?
01:11:38Yes.
01:11:39What sum of damages do you award
01:11:41to the plaintiff's cosmic planning consultants?
01:11:44One paid.
01:12:03You can join us again when our cameras return
01:12:06to bring you another case in the Crown Court.