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00:00Now my old darlin', they've laid her down to rest And now I'm missin' her with all me heart
00:12But they don't give a muck, he's down at the HSS And they've gone and halved me pension for a start
00:20So it won't be very long before I'm by her side But I'll probably starve to death, that's what I'll do
00:27For richer or poorer, I'm bloody poor, that's the fact That's cos' in sickness and in health, I said I'll do
00:36In sickness and in health, I said I'll do
00:57Come here! Hide him behind all the others! Come out here!
01:01What's he for? Come here!
01:05Oh God, who's that now? I bet it's for her upstairs
01:09She won't answer, bloody lazy cow
01:14There's them white-staff people to get a mouthful I'll give them bloody jover, all right
01:18Look!
01:19Hello, Mr Garnet! I bet you're surprised to see me Only I was just passing, and Mrs Garnet always said
01:28If ever you're passing, pop in, so here we are Excuse me a minute, yes
01:34I'm afraid that we can't stay very long Just a few days, that's all
01:44Just a few days?
01:45Yes, this is my sister, Gwyneth Hello
01:50If you're speaking to me, speak up Speak up here
01:57You're not supposed to speak into that It's us, we're the ones who speak into that
02:05Anyway, I'm ever so glad that you're willing to put up with this for a bit
02:11I knew you would! She said to me, I think we ought to write and ask Mr Garnet
02:16And I said no, I said no, there is no need to write to Mr Garnet
02:21Not about a thing like that, I said Mr and Mrs Garnet are old friends
02:29This is Mr Garnet, he's going to put us up for a few days
02:34I'm putting you up? Yes, there you are
02:38Are we here? Are we here, she says, of course we're here
02:45Where do you think we could be? This is Mr Garnet
02:50Is this where we're going to stay? Don't shout in my ear, you're the one who's deaf
02:58I know you from somewhere, don't I? What's his name?
03:03Mr Garnet I never forget a face you know
03:08But I can't think of his name, never mind it'll come back
03:14I'll tell you what, watch my lips Now, look here
03:19This is Mr Garnet, you remember him
03:25He used to live next door to me and my bird
03:33When we lived in Wapping Say that again
03:44This is Mr Garnet, you remember him
03:48He used to live next door to me and my bird
03:54When we lived in Wapping
03:59I never lived in Wapping
04:03It was you that lived in Wapping, you moved over there when you married your bird
04:09Yes, and Mr Garnet lived next door to us
04:15He reminds me of that chap who lives next door to you
04:21That's what I'm saying
04:24Are you the chap that lived next door to her in Wapping?
04:29Yes!
04:32You see, I'll never forget a face
04:36I'll remember the name in a minute
04:40Oh dear, that is Mr Garnet
04:43It is Mr Garnet
04:46Yes, shut up a minute
04:49I'm trying to think
04:52Ah, that's it, yes
04:56That's the name, that's him
04:59Garnet, that was the name, wasn't it? Yes it was
05:02Garnet, Mr Garnet
05:05That's who he was, do you remember him?
05:12Mr Garnet
05:15Oh you couldn't forget him, he was a nasty bit of work
05:21He married a very nice woman though
05:24She was a lovely lady, I can't think of her name
05:28I can't think why she wanted to marry him
05:31She could have done loads better without him
05:34Else, her name was Else
05:37Mrs Garnet
05:40That was her name, I said it will come back
05:44I'll never forget a name, you know
05:48I may be a bit hard of hearing
05:51But my memory's as good as ever it was
05:54I'll never forget anything
05:57Not like her
06:00She forgets everything, she's got her mind like a sleeve
06:05She forgets everything
06:08She'd forget her own head if it wasn't screwed on
06:11You forgot Mr Garnet
06:13Pardon?
06:16Don't whisper, if you have anything to say, let's hear it
06:21Mr Garnet, you forgot
06:25Forgot? What? What did I forget?
06:28I didn't forget anything
06:31Listen, if you had as many things to remember as I've had to remember
06:36You'd forget a few things
06:42I've forgotten more things in my life than you could ever remember
06:47So don't you tell me I've forgotten
06:51It's this
06:57Is this the gentleman that understood me?
07:00Yes
07:02Oh, I'm ever so pleased to see you
07:05Forgive my glove
07:08I've heard so much about you, you know
07:11I'm quite thrilled at the thought of staying with you
07:15Have you got a big house here?
07:25Oh, I see
07:29Now, don't apologise about anything
07:33Because I know, when my Harold passed on
07:37Things were a bit difficult for me
07:40But I learned to adjust myself
07:43And take things as they come along
07:46And not complain
07:48Well, I never complained, did I, Min?
07:50No
07:51Not at all
07:53So, there you are
07:55We've all got to adjust ourselves, just so
07:58And be grateful, exactly
08:01And not get on each other's nerves
08:05And then, if I behave myself
08:10You can go home
08:13Oh, thank you, sir
08:16I say, you haven't introduced us
08:20This is Mr Garnet
08:22No, no, not him, not Mr Garnet
08:25The gentleman who lives here
08:27What's his name?
08:28It's not him, it's Mr Garnet
08:30Oh, you do make me cross
08:32Come here, is that thing switched on?
08:34Well, how's she done now?
08:36Let's have a see
08:40Testing, testing
08:42Yes, it's OK
08:44I switched it on now, it was switched off
08:49Then, what did you want to say?
08:52She wanders a bit
08:54Anyway, it's ever so nice to see you again, Mr Garnet
08:57And you haven't changed a bit
08:59Oh, neither have you
09:01I'm talking to him, not you
09:03You go and sit down there, rest your feet a bit
09:06God, I wish he'd give her tongue a rest
09:10I mean, the deafness I can cope with
09:12But it's the constant jabber, jabber, jabber
09:14That's what gets me down
09:15Oi, oi, oi, oi
09:19You two start with me
09:23Funny how they get when they get old, eh?
09:26I hope it never happens to me
09:28Oh, what do you mean? Get old!
09:31You don't have to worry about that, Mr Garnet
09:33You're looking younger than ever
09:35But then you always was a more virile man than my Bert
09:39I used to envy Mrs Garnet
09:43Yes, you see, she's been lucky in marriage, she has
09:46She's had a man to share her life
09:49I have never known that pleasure, Mr Garnet
09:53My Bert, God rest his soul, he was a good man
09:58But he could, um, he could never awaken me
10:07No, not in the way a woman wants to be awakened, Mr Garnet
10:14I've often wondered, you know, what might not have happened
10:18Say, you and me had met unencumbered
10:23But you mustn't harbour thoughts like that, Mr Garnet
10:27It's not fair to Mrs Garnet
10:29I say, I know that face
10:35Puts me in mind of my Aunty Dolly
10:39Did you know my Aunty Dolly?
10:41No, of course not, Mr Garnet didn't know Aunty Dolly, did you, Mr Garnet?
10:45Well, what's she doing then, hanging on his wall?
10:48Where?
10:49Here
10:50That's the Queen, that is
10:52That's Prince Philip
10:54Who?
10:55Her husband, Philip
10:58Aunty Dolly wasn't married
11:01Of course, there was talk of a man always is
11:05I say, I wouldn't blame her, he's a gorgeous-looking brute
11:12Is that you, Bert?
11:15My word, he's put on a bit of weight there, isn't he?
11:19I wouldn't have recognised him
11:21That's the best I've seen him look
11:24Must be Christmas, he's smoking a cigar
11:28What's the matter with her eyes?
11:29That's Winnie, anyone can see that
11:31That's never our Winnie
11:33It is, that's Winnie
11:35That is not Winnie
11:38Our Winnie was a lot more slimmer than that
11:42So she never smoked cigars
11:45Not even at Christmas
11:48She can't see, she can't hear
11:50And she's got a bloody valve missing and all
11:54Well, she's been ill, see
11:56Nothing to worry about
11:58It's just her brain, that's all
12:00It's gone a bit funny in the head
12:02But heart, lungs, legs, everything else
12:06All in perfect working order, they are
12:09It's just that what is inside her head
12:12It's not kept up, you see, her brain
12:15It's not quite what it should be
12:17But then that is no great loss, not at her age
12:20I mean, it's good enough for what she needs, isn't it?
12:23I mean, some people, they've got weak hearts
12:25Some have got weak lungs
12:27Now, say she had had a weak heart
12:30She could have got it transplanted
12:33But they can't transplant eggs, you see
12:36They must for her when they can, though
12:40I'm telling you, don't leave any matches laying around
12:43She's set fire to our house three times already
12:47And you've got a nice place here, Mr Garnet
12:50Oi, oi, oi, come on out of it
12:52Oh, that's a good idea
12:55Bare feet, my feet are killing me
12:59I heard voices
13:05You've got someone here
13:07Well, I see, I'm intruding
13:09No, no, look, come here
13:11Just a minute, where is Mrs Garnet?
13:13She's not here, is she?
13:14I can see that
13:16And I know she's confined to a wheelchair
13:18But bringing a trollop like that in here behind us...
13:21Blimey, you don't understand
13:23Oh, I understand all right, Mr Garnet
13:26There's nothing wrong with my brain
13:28No, look, it's not what you think
13:30Is he up to something?
13:32Blimey, who's that?
13:33Let's hope it isn't Mrs Garnet
13:36No
13:37But then, of course, she'd have her key
13:38Look, wait a minute, will you?
13:40Blimey, door down
13:42Oh, it's you
13:44Thank you
13:45What a welcome room, it's you
13:49Oh, company
13:51Hello, Rita
13:53Hello, Ma'am, hello
13:54Hello, Joanie
14:01What a surprise, eh?
14:02Well, it's nothing to the surprise your mother would have got
14:05If that had been her at the door, it's disgusting, I think
14:09My mother?
14:10Yes
14:11And you told her?
14:12I can't get a word in his mouth
14:17So, you see...
14:18She's left him
14:30There's no need for that now, it happened months ago
14:40Oh, I'm so upset
14:44That you could do this to her memory
14:47And her hardly at rest poor woman
14:51Oh, could you?
14:54And with her upstairs
14:56Foul your own nest
15:03I forgive you
15:05I forgive you, I know
15:08I know that men have to do these sort of things
15:12I know it's in their nature
15:14But why couldn't you have waited?
15:18Why not let time go by?
15:22Oh, it's so awful
15:33I'm going out the pub
15:36Aren't you lucky?
15:41Oh!
15:43Hello, Mr Garney
15:45Still here?
15:46Wild horses wouldn't drag me away
15:49I wouldn't leave you now
15:51Not if you took a whip to me
15:54Not now that you're in need
15:57Need? What need?
15:58In need of what you've been missing, a woman's touch
16:03What's that noise?
16:04It's Gwyneth, she's having a sleep
16:08She what?
16:09She's in your bed
16:12In my bed?
16:13She's not sleeping in my bed
16:16She is sleeping in your bed, listen to her
16:18Driving them home
16:21She can bloody well get up again, she's not sleeping in my bed
16:24You can't disturb her now
16:26I can disturb her now
16:28Leave her for a while, Dad
16:30Come and sit down here and have your dinner
16:33Dinner? What?
16:36Lunchtime dinner?
16:37Yes, sit down there
16:40It's meat pudding, I've cooked it specially for you, it's your favourite
16:45There, there's your knife
16:49There's your fork
16:51I'll get it for you, it's in the oven
16:58Oh, hello, Mr Garnet, you're back
17:01I've got dinner waiting for you upstairs
17:05No, it's quite alright, he's got meat pudding here
17:09No, he don't want that
17:11I've got a nice roast for you upstairs, Mr Garnet
17:15Yes, Yorkshire pudding, baked potatoes
17:18Look, I've got new potatoes and fresh garden peas
17:22I've got spotted dick and custard for you
17:25I've got apple pie and you want custard, I'll make you custard
17:29No, he's got custard waiting upstairs for him
17:33Mr Garnet is staying down here with me to have his meat pudding and his potatoes and peas
17:40Oh, no, you're not, are you, Mr Garnet?
17:43Oh, yes, he is, aren't you, Mr Garnet?
17:46Mr Garnet would rather come upstairs with me and have roast beef and Yorkshire pudding
17:53Oh, no, he would not
17:57He would rather stay here with me and have meat pudding, new potatoes and fresh garden peas
18:08No, he's not having your meat pudding
18:13Next door's dog can have it
18:16What are you doing?
18:23There, Mr Garnet is having my roast beef
18:28Oh, no, he is not
18:38Well, Lord of the Boudoirs, shall I make you a sandwich?
18:47Lord of the Boudoirs
18:50There you are, Mr Garnet, I've made you up a nice bed on the sofa
18:57Sofa? I am not sleeping on a blazed sofa
19:01Oh, hello, Mr Garnet
19:03I just thought I'd slip down and give you my subscription to your Prince Andrew Street Party
19:10That can wait till morning, can't it, Mr Garnet?
19:14We were just going to bed, I didn't hear you knock
19:19We don't stand on formalities, do we, Mr Garnet? It's not as though we're strangers
19:24Yes, well, good night, here you are, Mr Garnet
19:28Would you like two pillows?
19:30I've told you, I am not sleeping on a bloody sofa
19:34No!
19:35Oh, come on
19:36No, you don't want to sleep on the sofa
19:38No, I don't want to sleep on the sofa
19:40Good heavens, I should say not
19:42Well, I mean, if they've taken up all your room, Mr Garnet, I can fix you up with a bed
19:48In my spare room
19:50No, you won't want to go dragging all the way up them stairs this time of night, do you, Mr Garnet?
19:56Well, it won't be the first time
20:01When a man is hard up, I suppose
20:06Mr Garnet doesn't need to be hard up, ever
20:10Yes, well, Mr Garnet is sleeping down here tonight on the sofa
20:15No, he's not, are you, Mr Garnet?
20:17Oh, yes, he is, aren't you, Mr Garnet?
20:20Oh, no, he's not
20:22Mr Garnet is not sleeping down here on your sofa
20:26Mr Garnet is sleeping down here in his own bedroom, in his own bed
20:31Get out of the bloody way!
20:34Do it!
20:41There's your suspect
20:47There's your bloody laddie
20:50You can sleep on the sofa or make your priest and Mrs Olinbury sleep upstairs in her spare room
20:56I'm sleeping down here in my own bed, in my own bedroom
21:00Good night
21:03APPLAUSE
21:09Miss, shall I make you a cup of tea?
21:12Oh, Janie, I'd love one, but I'm docent
21:16No liquid after 4pm
21:21Oh, well, I'll say good night
21:24Good night
21:26Ow!
21:28Gordon bloody Bennet! She's wet my bed!
21:43I can't help it if I'm incompetent
21:49Men forgot to pack my liners
21:53Mrs Olinbury
21:55Yes?
21:57Camille
22:05Camille, um, can I sleep in your spare room tonight?
22:10Certainly, Alfred
22:15Come on, you can come upstairs with me
22:18I'll see that you're comfy
22:26Oh, where's mine?
22:28What do you mean, where's mine?
22:31Where's my breakfast?
22:33I didn't cook you any
22:35I thought you'd be having yours upstairs with your lady love
22:38No!
22:40Shut up, you silly fat cow! Shut up!
22:47I'll see that you're comfy
22:50I'll see that you're comfy
22:54You don't deserve any
22:57All the trouble you caused
22:59Trouble I caused? I caused?
23:01You upset Min and Gwyneth
23:02What do you mean I upset her?
23:04She's old, treating her like you did
23:07Look! Oi, that's mine!
23:10I'm done here with it!
23:12You're like a bloody big kid
23:13I'm like a bloody kid? That's mine, that's my fried bread!
23:16Oi, she's your sister, you teach her some bloody manners
23:20Soggy sojit
23:22Look, can't you do something...
23:24Get over it! Stop it!
23:26Can't you do something about her?
23:29She's bloody senile
23:31Don't want to do something with people like her
23:33Do something? Do what?
23:35I don't know, do I?
23:36If she was old, say, bloody well shoot her
23:39I'm not eating that, she's had her fingers all over that
23:42Well, I'm not going to cook you anything else
23:44Bloody women!
23:46Sod the lot of them
23:48Sod yourself
23:51He's a very virile man
23:55He's even more virile than what I had imagined him
23:59He must be because her upstairs is in love with something about him
24:06I don't know what it is
24:08Must be what made your mother stay with him all those years
24:12Must be
24:13I've often wondered, yes
24:14You see, I've never had that from a man
24:17My Bert...
24:18Your Bert was a nice man
24:19Oh yes, he was a good man
24:22But there was times when I could have wished him different
24:26More frisky, eh?
24:29You see, Rita, that you can't see your father, not how other women see him
24:34He's a crude man, but that...
24:38Well, that animal thing about him, what he's got
24:42Animal thing?
24:43Yes
24:44Pig
24:46What?
24:47It can be a pleasure
24:49I'll say
24:54Now it's too late, Rita
24:56He's lost his head now to her
24:59So I shan't come between them
25:02I've got my sister to look after, see
25:06I'm all she's got
25:08Is Mr Garnet here?
25:10Only I've found some bunting for his street party
25:14That's nice
25:15Erm, Mrs Ollingbury?
25:17Yes
25:18You can have him
25:22You can have him
25:24I've made up me mind
25:26He's yours
25:27I don't want to come between you
25:30There's nothing between me and Mr Garnet
25:34He's yours now, I'll give him to you
25:37I shall take my broken heart and go back to Eastbourne with my poor sister
25:42Oh no, if you have a prior claim
25:45We must forget the past
25:47Oh, back up men
25:49I want to go home
25:51I'll give him to you
25:53No, no, I give him to you
25:55No, I give him
25:56He's yours, you must take him with you, he's yours
25:58No, he's not, he's yours
26:01No, I am mine
26:03I don't belong to either of you
26:05You can clear off the pair of you
26:08Bloody women, I'm surrounded by four bloody women
26:13And a black gay puss
26:16I'm going up French Cafe
26:18At my breakfast, it might cost me a few bob
26:20But at least I'll be surrounded by men
26:23Oh, aren't you the lucky one
26:26I feel silly sitting here
26:28You look silly sitting here
26:30You said we was having a street party
26:32We are having a street party
26:34This is a street party
26:36Well, where's the rest of the street?
26:37All at work, where they ought to be
26:39It's not my fault, is it?
26:41If nobody down this street's got any feeling for royalty
26:44In the old days, this street used to be famous
26:46It's not my fault
26:48It's not my fault
26:50It's not my fault
26:52It's not my fault
26:54The old days, this street used to be famous for its street parties
26:56Famous again, Harvon
26:58When on Five Days for Ye Day, we did
27:00Well, this one'll go on for five days
27:02I'm not sitting here for five days
27:04See, it's hard to have a street party with people like you
27:06You ain't got no party spirit
27:08Look, if you want a better party
27:09Look, let's get the decorations done first
27:11Then we'll open up the party spirit
27:13Double ought to try and get a piano going
27:15That's the way to put life into a party
27:17I know how to put life into a party
27:20But a piano helps, you should get a piano going
27:22But we ain't got one, have we?
27:23It's a good instrument
27:24I know it's a good instrument
27:26Marvellous for a party
27:27But only if you've got one
27:29You can't have a proper party not without a piano
27:32Get that going and they'll all be out
27:34Will you shut up about a bloody piano
27:36We ain't got one
27:38Pity
27:39I'll pity you with this bloody hammer
27:42Anyway
27:43Even if we did have a piano
27:45What's the point?
27:47We've got nobody up and playing, have we?
27:49What about marigold?
27:50What about marigold?
27:51You're black
27:52Well, we've got a lot of sun, ain't we?
27:54All you darkies got rhythm
27:56It's just our luck we've got the one darkie who's got no rhythm
27:59The witch used to play the piano
28:02How can she play the piano? She's stone deaf
28:05Get off of me, you silly cow
28:08My husband was deaf, but he could play the piano
28:11Nothing you could dance to, though
28:12Nothing you could sing to
28:13Will you shut up about a bloody piano
28:17Oh, I'm going to go and get my ghetto blaster
28:21Min and Gwyneth are going
28:22All right
28:23Good riddance
28:25Aren't you going to say goodbye to them?
28:27In a minute
28:28They're going now
28:30In a minute
28:33Oi, you
28:36This is my tree
28:38That is not your tree
28:39It's on my side of the road
28:41It's outside my house
28:44Oi, what are you doing?
28:47Move that table
28:48Do you hear me? I'm talking to you
28:49Move that table
28:50Sod off, we're having a street party
28:52Shut up
28:53We don't want a street party here, thank you
28:56I do
28:57A vote was taken
28:59And the majority voted not to have a street party
29:02And you know that
29:03This is a democracy, my friend
29:05And the minority's got to be out
29:06But the minority was overruled
29:08The minority didn't want to be overruled
29:10It's a free country
29:12And the minority want to have a street party
29:14Yeah, but the majority did not want to have a street party
29:18The majority ain't having a street party
29:23Are you happy?
29:24If you don't move that table
29:25I'm going to drive right through it
29:27You leave that table alone
29:29I'm going to move it
29:30Take your hands off that table
29:31What do you mean?
29:32Why don't you stay for the wedding?
29:35No, no
29:38You remind me too much of what might have been
29:41Are we going home now?
29:43Yes, yes
29:45Bye bye then
29:47I'll tell Mr Garnet I've seen you
29:53I'm warning you
29:54Oh, she's forgot her bag
30:04Dad! Dad!
30:06God, you lout
30:08You bloody lout
30:11You've ruined my car
30:14Bloody hell done that
30:16Here, Alf
30:17Why not someone who's got a piano?
30:46I've got a piano, I've got a piano
30:48I've got a piano, I've got a piano
30:50I've got a piano, I've got a piano
30:52I've got a piano, I've got a piano
30:54I've got a piano, I've got a piano
30:56I've got a piano, I've got a piano
30:58I've got a piano, I've got a piano
31:00I've got a piano, I've got a piano
31:02I've got a piano, I've got a piano
31:04I've got a piano, I've got a piano
31:06I've got a piano, I've got a piano
31:08I've got a piano, I've got a piano
31:10I've got a piano, I've got a piano
31:12I've got a piano, I've got a piano